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This podcast is supported by FX's English Teacher, a new comedy from executive producers of What We Do in the Shadows and Baskets. English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job, while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.
This is a Rooster Teeth production.
Good afternoon to all you Alkaliths! Reveal yourself in the Stinky Dragon, partake in our latest potable, Abyssness as usual. It's a mixture of Fraud Vodka, Random Rift Rum, Confusion Curacao, Planar Portal Juice with a hint of Pineapple. One slurp of this amorphous eye-opener will have you throwing caution to the window. Previously, our adventurers began their treacherous trek through Wynder Canyon.
After enduring a few dangers of this dreadful Dust Bowl, they eventually uncovered an illusionary oasis that led them to the infamous Flats of Tabool. Can the party progress through this labyrinthian lair as easy as pie? Or will it leave them high and dry? Now, but not yet, Cap, let's nip this noxious narrative in the bud. ♪
Yeah, so you all make your way through the corrosive fluid, finally reach the sandy surface on the other side. Your clothes and weapons sizzle from the acrid venom dripping all over your body. You look up and see a scarlet sun teetering on the horizon, casting sharp shadows across tall, reddish, rocky mountains with smooth tops.
You look around to see these flat top mountains, one after another filling your view, but then one stands out to you. Etched into the red rock are several steps leading up to two serpentine totems. In between them is an entrance made of viperous fangs hanging wide open. Sheriff Gov lifts her hat and says, Welcome to the Flats of Tabool.
So you all are in the Flats of Tabool. I feel very exfoliated. Kyborg looks at his skin and it's shimmering from all the acid he just had on it. It's a peel, right? You get all that dead skin off. You got your fresh new skin. Like a serpent shedding its outer skin. Yeah. I was going to say something awful. It looks like you've just been burned all over. It's like you're red and bubbly. I'm beautiful. He's got like a bad sunburn. Yeah.
I think mud would like pull like something like what mystique does and just like turn into an animal and then turn back and that's how you like reset everything oh that's funny that's a thing she does that yeah that's why she's like she heals and is immortal when you change into something like does it do the thing where it's almost like
Like from the bottom up, you know, like where all your scales kind of change into. So you're talking about like how mystique they did in like the X-Men movies? Yeah. I don't know. I actually think of it more like Willow when the witch is getting transformed. All my Willow fans, right? Everybody thinks of Willow fans? Willow's got a new season. I know. I'm excited about it. But there's a witch in it who's an animal. And part of what Willow's like journey is as a wizard is like trying to turn her back into a sorceress.
but he's messing up. And so they actually had some pretty cool rudimentary, like morphing visual effects of her. I like to think it wasn't that the transformation that you go through is
Why do you gotta yuck my yum? I'm just saying a movie I like. Do you have a problem with me liking a movie? I have a problem with Willow. What? It's not very good. Don't forget, you're a Mastiff, by the way. American Werewolf in London. Why am I... Oh, yeah, brutal. But that would be brutal every single time. It's just kind of funny to me. Or like The Quarry, where you just explode. That's what I was thinking. I was like, what did we play recently? Wait, what?
In the quarry when they turn Wait It's okay Do you know the When the monsters transform They explode into like blood and gore I figured there was something I mean I saw the opening scene In maybe the first half hour of that game So I know very little But now I want to play it even more So that works Why am I a mastiff? You turned into a mastiff As you went through the dimension door
In my headcanon, it's like one second and it just goes and then he transforms into the animal. It's because you went with me and I needed to bring something my size or smaller. Sheriff Goff pipes in and says, this might be the only respite we'll get before heading into those caves beneath the flats up yonder.
So if you all need to catch your breath or equip any gear, now's the time. Boss battle. We're about to be conjured. I mean, can we actually take a rest? Yeah, you can take a short rest. A little rest. I'd love a long rest. I feel like we've taken one recently. You've become an elf. I'd love a long rest. But if we can't, it's fine. Yeah, I'll stretch my legs here a bit as I lie down. Bart stretches out his legs and he somehow becomes shorter. Bart, his little stumps. Yeah. Uh.
Elves take long rests in the time it takes to take a short rest, right? I believe so. Yeah, they like meditate, right? An elf can find the benefit of a long rest in four hours. So I think short rest is typically like an hour. Not boom. No boom. Command Z. How do I go back?
Command Z on D&D Beyond. I want this to be canon. Every time Bart takes a short rest, he drools a lot just because that's what I do when I take a nap. I don't know why I drool more when I nap than I do like a normal sleep. So that carries over to Bart. Okay. Bart's got a little drool. I don't know if anyone's going to tell him. No, it's like a puddle of where I was lying down. Oh, gotcha. You have some on your cheek too. A little bit. So what time of day is it? Approaching sunset. Read that bottom line.
Heck yeah. Mastiffs are impressive hounds prized by humanoids for their loyalty and keen senses. Mastiffs can be trained as guard dogs, hunting dogs, and war dogs. Halflings and other small humanoids ride them as mounts. I know where we're doing.
The bud ship continues to sail. Yeah, the bud. Everyone feels a little rested, a little recharged, a little re-energized. I'm sure some time was taken to wipe off all of the noxious liquid, the poisonous acid that you all swam through. Well, some of you swam through, some of you dimensioned orc. So, yeah, Sheriff Gov asked, All right, enough with the siestas. Y'all ready to move on or what? Yeah, I'm going to ride mud.
To battle. To battle. Yeah. War hound. Guy, would you want to ride me? No. No, no, no, no, no. You should, next time you find a leather work, you should get a little saddle made. I should. We should. Actually, if there is ever any fan art ever made of this, it is mud as a mastiff and then a...
Bart. Bart. I was like, my brain was going to their names first for some reason. I was like, wrong, wrong. Stop it. I'm a bard named Barbara. I think it broke my brain. But then also Gumbo is sitting on top as well. Excellent. I'm afraid that if you like pursue this too much, some fan's going to make a custom comb brew item and it's going to be like, belt of leather, daddy. And it's like, this belt turns into any... Hey, it was good enough for Frey Mercury. It's good enough for me. Anyway. Anyway. I like that you say it in Gumbo voice.
Are you all ready to proceed? Yeah. Okay. You all walk past the serpentine totems through the snake-like fangs into the darkness.
Everyone go ahead and roll a perception check. Is it a perception check that would involve hearing or smelling? I would say it's mainly sight, actually. You said it's dark. Why is it sight? Because your eyes are adjusted to the dark. Yeah, but can I also listen? Oh my God, no, no. I have dark vision. Does that help? Do I get an advantage? No. Just roll a perception check. I rolled a 24. Thank you, Barbara. Well done, Bart. 16. My favorite son. 19. My favorite son.
for his son he loves all of us equally uh except for bart oh he doesn't kai borg uh you lose track of your footing for a second and you bump into gum gum and then you stub your toe i pushed him off like it was his fault get off me bro i'm sorry
Bart!
You're the only one that notices that echoing in the distance, you hear hissing and screams and a voice crackling with laughter. Does it all sound like these are three distinct different creatures? Like one's hissing, one's laughing, one's screaming? Yeah, if you had to take a guess, you would say that's probably the case. You had a good roll. I'll give you that. Okay. But if I was rolling for hearing for that, I would have advantage on that. Listen up.
We don't know how many tabooleans are in here, let alone what other surprises might be waiting for us. As a mastiff, I have keen hearing and smell. So we should stick together and stay quiet. Right, Mud?
Anyway, our goal is to find the pod prisoners and free them. They have to be in here somewhere. Once we do find them, I'll lead them back out the way we came. Then y'all are on your own. Got it? Got it. Okay. It's a rescue mission. I somehow think someone's in trouble. I heard some hissing, some screaming, some laughing. I think there might be some torturing going on. Or some tickling. Or some furious tickling. Everyone go ahead and roll initiative. Also, side note, what's a grotto?
It's like a cave. Okay. Yeah. Like Ariel's Grotto. That doesn't help me. It's a part of Disney World and Disneyland. Oh. Yeah.
Nine. Here, here, here. I think this is better. Think about the Peter Pan movie and where they had Tiger Lily, where they were holding her captive when Peter Pan and Captain Hook fought. I think I recall this. That kind of a grotto. Thank you for all the Disney references for me and my friends. You know what I need. I rolled a four initiative. We're speaking your language. Exactly. So just to recap, Bart got a 22, Kyborg got a 20, Gum Gum got a nine, and Mud got a four.
- All right. - So I have a deck of cards that represent progress and the perils waiting for you in the Tabulian Lair. - Oh, I love this one. - There are four different cards in the deck. Right path cards, dead end cards, trap cards, and monster cards.
Gameplay is based on the initiative that we just rolled. Each of you takes one turn per round. So, you know, of course, four players per round. On each turn, I'll deal out three cards face down in the river before you, left, center, and right. And these represent the different paths you can take along the way. On your turn, you can take an action and or pick a card from the river to be revealed. There's
There's only three types of actions available, and once an action is used, it cannot be used again until all the actions have been used. And once all actions have been used, then three different actions will be unlocked again. Just as a reminder, the actions are: Forge a Path, which is Strength-based. Scout Ahead, which is Texterity-based. It's Elementary, which is Intelligence-based. You all will not be using that one. Careful Consideration, which is Wisdom-based. And Boost Morale, which is Charisma-based.
I'm still native on all those except for strength. Right path cards represent making the correct choice. When you approach the intersection, you move closer to your destination. When we reveal a right path card, the party scores one point towards reaching your destination. The goal is to reveal or earn five right path cards. Do this and you reach your destination.
However, dead end cards represent taking the incorrect path, requiring you to double back the way you came when revealed. Dead end cards stay in play until they fill the river, where they are then removed and an additional monster card is added to the discard pile. What's a monster card you may ask? Well, monster cards represent monsters lurking in the Tabulian lair, drawing closer to the party.
When revealed, you earn one point towards encountering a monster. When you reveal two monster cards, you encounter a monster, at which point the party enters combat using their predetermined initiative. And I roll for the monster's initiative and slot it in. When the party successfully defeats the monster, one monster card is removed from the deck, lowering the chance to encounter one again. Finally, of course, we also have trap cards. Trap cards represent, you guessed it,
You will use your skills and abilities to avoid the hazards laid throughout the Tabulian Lair, each with varying degrees of difficulty and effects. Got it? Got it. Got it. All right, here, real quick pep talk, all right? First time we played this game, it was fun. We were newbies, you know? We were just figuring it out, but we did pretty well. Last time we played this game...
We really suck. Okay. No, we didn't. No, we did a bad job. It was that Escalon pyramid. Yeah, we're bad. I will say, I think a lot of it is luck. But we beat them. No, no, it's skill. And we just got to be better this time. Robotic hands in the middle.
Robotic hands? Yeah, or hands. Regular hands in the middle. I put a paw in the middle. Shake. Go team. Mud. Mud. Mud. Shake. Shake. Yeah. Everyone's inspired. I'm actually not negative on any of those anymore. Whoa. No, I'm not positive in all of them. And these are checks or saving throws for these? These are checks. Okay. Okay.
Easy. So you guys got this. Chris, these are checks. I'm telling you again. Check. Bart, you are up first in the initiative order and the actions available to you are scout ahead, it's elementary, and careful consideration. Let's do the scout ahead. Scout ahead. So that's a dexterity-based check and if successful, it allows you to reveal the top card of the deck in addition to a card in the river and you can choose one. Okay. So
Let's go ahead and make a dexterity check. That is a 21. That, believe it or not, is successful. What? I would hope so. All right. So the card on top of the deck is a right path card, and you can choose to reveal left, center, or right in the river. Let's reveal center. That is a monster card. All right. Let's go right path. Oh, okay. Yeah.
I wasn't sure which way you were going to go with it. Bart, you go down the correct way and you hear distressing screams reverberate through a nearby passage and quickly head in that direction. Oh no. They're burning.
Okay. Oh my God. That's really good. Up next is Kyborg. Marches ahead with his arms out. On mud. Like that Leonardo DiCaprio meme. Exactly. Arms out. Okay. Next up is Kyborg. Kyborg, you have your two greatest strengths available to you. It's elementary, which is an intelligence check or careful consideration, which is a wisdom check.
I'm going to go careful consideration. No, no. Careful consideration would allow you to reveal two cards in the river this turn and choose one. Yeah, we're going to do that. So make a wisdom check. Plus zero. And the other one's a minus one. Fifteen. Oh, that works. Okay. Yeah. So you can reveal left, center, or right. I'm going to choose left and center. Okay.
So you have two great options ahead of you, Kyborg. You know that the left path is a trap card. Oh. And the center is a monster. Ooh. Great options. And I can't go right? Reveal two cards in the river this turn and choose one. Uh, we should just do center, right? Or should we, well, if we do monster, we have to roll two monster cards. No, we could take a trap. Monsters get cumulative. Right. Traps are just... Trap just happens, deal with it, move on. Can we play trap music at least? Yeah.
While working on our traps. So it's the left path, yeah? Uh, correct. Yeah, I'm still going left. You know, you love it. He's gonna go left. To do what's right. Listen to that song a thousand times. As you're walking down this path, Kyborg, overhead, you see a patch of glowing mushrooms and like a twinkly dust starts falling down from the ceiling in your direction. Quick, make a constitution save! Oh, God. Oh, God.
All of us or just Kyborg? Just Kyborg. I have advantage on constitution. Oh, right. 18. Your elvish eyes know that these are noxious spores falling upon you and you quickly dive to the ground and somersault away from them. Achoo!
That's what I do. That's what I say. That's my new thing. I'm trying it on for size. Trying it on. Hachop. Do we like it? Hachop. I don't know. A little Rusty Shackleford. We'll workshop it. So no progress, but Kyborg did manage to avoid the ill effects of the trap there. So bravo. Gum Gum, you are up. You are left with its elementary. It's wisdom, right? It is intelligence. Intelligence. Which, if successful, allows you to draw three cards from the deck, choose one, put it on the bottom of the deck, and shuffle the remaining cards and place them on top of the deck.
So I guess go ahead and make that intelligence check. Ooh, 11. Believe it or not, failure. So you get no further insight on the path ahead of you. You have a left, center, and right path available. I will go center. Just like Gum-Gum's politics, he's going center.
I think that's kind of accurate. Probably. Wait, what? Neutral. GumGum probably would be like a centrist. Why do you say that? Because GumGum just really like plays in the middle of everything. Doesn't go overly aggressive. Doesn't feel one way or the other. Like you like mud, but you're not comfortable with it.
No, I think Gum Gum likes to share. Gum Gum, you actually pulled a card that we didn't explain. I wasn't sure if this would come up necessarily. But you got a mystery chest. Mystery chest. In moving around through the passageways, you find a sack on the ground.
I will open the sack. Inside the sack, you find a little potion. Can I look and see if I recognize it or if it looks familiar in any way? Maybe it's labeled. There is a label on it. If I have learned anything about potions, it's just best to down it right away without knowing what it's going to do. No. And what does the label say? It says filter of love. Oh my goodness. Filter of love.
What is it? P-H-I-L-T-E-R. Filter of love. What does that mean, Bart? It's my favorite reality show. That does sound like a D&D reality show. I don't know, but it sounds like it's something that Bart might like. Okay. Although, I don't know. Maybe it's like we can make something love us. Love potion number nine. There's nine of...
Let's find another eight quick. Okay. Gum Gum and Bart, both of you make a perception check. 14. 11. Gum Gum, you take note that the potion is kind of like rose colored and appears to be bubbly.
It's a Shirley Temple. Do either of us know anything about filter, love filter? If you want, you can make like an arcana check, I guess, to see if anybody knows anything about it. I have a question. I know in a previous sales period, I considered buying a love potion because I'd never been, I wanted to see what it was like to be in love. Do I recognize that this one looks similar? No, this would be, this would actually be a different potion to that. Could I do an arcana check to see if I... Absolutely.
I have any recollection of what this is. 14? I'll do one too. Ooh, 10. Bart, you've heard tale of this kind of potion before. You think that if someone drinks this, then the next creature they see of a species and gender that they would normally be attracted to, they become...
charmed by it as they treat it as their true love. Hey, uh, anyone here like, uh, tabooians? Anyone here into those? I do. They're my friends. Are you attracted to them? I mean, I like them. They're my friends. I don't know what that means. You haven't had to talk yet with Gum Gum. Yeah.
So attraction. We could just hold on to this item. We don't have to drink it or nothing. Yeah. Okay, I'll put it. I guess, like, how do you determine if someone would have an attraction to something? That's just, like, role-playing. Like, if your character would be into a specific species or gender or whatever. I would consider Bart to be, I think, pansexual. So I think that he would be attracted to everything and everyone. All right.
Even me? Well, you're like a brother now. I'll put it in the bag. In the bag. Okay, I'm going to go ahead and roll to see what actions are available for the next people.
Next up on the list is Mud. Mud, the actions available to you are Forge a Path, which is strength-based, Careful Consideration, which is wisdom-based, and Boost Morale, which is charisma-based. Let's do the wisdom one. All three. Careful Consideration. So go ahead and make a wisdom check, please. Mud the Wise. 20.
Ooh, okay. So you get to reveal two cards in the river this turn and choose one. So you have left, center, and right. Left and right. To your right lies a monster. To your left lies a mystery. Ooh. I choose mystery. Off to the left, you see a dilapidated chest that's falling apart. A chest? Like a... Like a wooden chest. I'm going to actually just out of curiosity what this does. I'm going to cast Mending.
This spell repairs a single break or tear in the object you touch, such as a broken chain link, two halves of a broken key, a torn cloak, or a leaking wineskin. Okay. Some of the wood appears to, like, mend itself and rejoin itself on the chest. And it thanks me. No. Okay. Can I open it? Is it openable? Yes. The lock is broken off. What if I mended the lock? That's why I was like, what is he doing? Okay.
Yeah, I open it up. Yeah, you open it up and inside is a potion in a skinny wooden vial. I down it immediately. Just kidding, just kidding, just kidding. Oh, you said it. Fire. Fire everywhere. Do this all over again.
It's a potion of immediate death. Roll for new character. What's on the label? The label on the potion reads, Potion of Thunder Resistance. Oh, okay. I'll take that. Yeah, put that in my little dog pocket. Now you can resist my love. Bart puts his fist up in the air and he goes, resistance.
Well, since you're a mastiff, don't they have those little barrels under their necks? That's the same Bernard. Shoot. Stupid. But they're like cousins of that breed. Okay. Same like skull structure. We call them mastiffs. Mastiffs. That concludes Mutt's turn. So we're back to the top of the initiative order, which means we lead off with Bart. We've only got one right path.
path and how many do we need five we're collecting all these delicious treats and we haven't uncovered a monster yet so or yeah no i wasn't complaining i was just checking in i was just checking in man john's complaining a lot real negative today putting out what we got backseat adventuring bart you have access to forge a path which is strength based or boost morale which is charisma based i'm not sure which one you're gonna pick you sure i know that was facetious so uh boost morale
allows you to remove a dead end card in the river from the game and draw a new card from the deck and place it face down in the river.
That doesn't really, like, push us along very much, right? I'll still do it. I'll boost morale. All right. Why not? Why not? Oh, bother. Eleven. Well, at an eleven, unfortunately, you fail to boost morale. Doesn't quite work out for you this time. Bart's too distracted by the love potion that Gum-Gum got. My precious. He wants it. Unknowing what's behind them, you have a left, a center, and a right path ahead of you. That's
Let's take right. Oh no, it's a trap! It's a tarp. Are you sure it doesn't say tarp? We don't get a tarp like Survivor? As you round a corner, you realize you're heading straight for a pool of green acidic poison. Everyone needs to make a strength save! Hurry! Everyone! 14. 14. 21. 10! Okay, I'm gonna roll for lucky. I'm gonna roll for lucky. Really? Yes. I don't get damage. I already got damage.
Okay. Drink saving throw. 13. Kyborg dies. Bart, Mud, and Kyborg all fail to see the pool in time and fall into the pool and your skin stings and your equipment sizzles from the green fluid. Yeah, each of you takes...
Mud has taken enough damage where Mud has turned back into Mud.
And now Bart is up on my shoulders. It's like you transform and I'm still on top of you. That's all it is. And Kyborg, just FYI, this damage is poison and acidic damage. You are resistant to the poison portion of the damage. So you would take half of the poison damage. So we'll say instead of taking 15, you would actually take 11. I too am resistant to poison.
Oh, okay. So you would take 11 as well. So everyone goes ahead and pulls themselves out of the pool. I'm picturing this since I was on top of mud as a Mastiff. I was like, that way. And then he just walks into the acid water. Slowly lowering. Like not even a rapid drop off. Like wading into it. And then a very sudden drop up. Yeah.
as I turn into an eight-foot fear bog. No, I feel like you would go in as the Mastiff and then come back out. You would disappear as the Mastiff, come back as a human. And just fart going across the water. Yeah, should I not have touched the water? No, no, no. Your legs went in. All right. Kyborg, you are up, and there is one option available to you. I'm not sure if you're going to like it. It's really forge a path which is strength-based. Yeah. I can't do second wind and that, can I? Is second wind an action or a bonus action? What is it? Oh.
It's an action. One bonus action. You could do it instead of taking this Forge a Path. It's a bonus action. I thought you said it was an action. No, you said both. It's a bonus action. No, you said it's an action. A bonus action. Yeah. A bonus action. Did I say that or did it just stroke out? You said it's an action. It's a bonus action. I know what you are, but what am I? A bonus action. Yeah, if it's a bonus action, you absolutely can do both. All right, let me roll a d20. Is it a bonus action?
Stop it. I'm going crazy. I'm going crazy. Is that a nine? What was that? That is a nine. Alright, nine plus eight, seventeen. You can tell because it looks like an upside down six.
Alright, we're feeling good again. Okay, yeah. Forge a path. Strength check. Make a strength check, and it would add two additional right path cards to the discard pile from outside the game. I rolled a seven, but you know what? I'm lucky. I'm feeling lucky. No, I shouldn't. I shouldn't. Yeah, okay. Let's go. Seven. Okay. You do not get any insight into the direction you should be going, so you have a left path, a center path, and a right path. Left! Do you want to hear the other options? I thought you went, yeah. Left!
It is unfortunately a dead end. No progress is made. I'll take it. Better than the other ones. So the dead end card stays in play for now. So the left is a dead end. Let's look at the silver lining. I got healed. I'm feeling better. You know? Cuddle.
That's it for Kaiborg, which means it is GumGum's turn. GumGum, I rolled some new actions here. Available are Scout Ahead, which is dexterity based. It's Elementary, which is intelligence based. And Boost Morale, which is charisma based. Boost Morale, what does it do? It removes a dead end card in the river from the game. Then draw a new card from the deck and place it face down in the river. And you do have a dead end card currently in the river. Okay.
Okay, I will do that. Do it! So charismatic. I slap him on the bum. Ooh.
What'd you get? 22, a nat 20 for 22, and I could roll, I'll save your butt slap. Oh yeah, you actually can. Yeah. All right. So the dead end card is removed from the river and removed from the game, and the new card from the deck is in its place face down in the river. So now you have left path, center path, and right path available to you. I'll do the one that was just placed there. Left path it is. Oh no, Gum Gum, it's a trap. Oh no. Oh no.
Good thing you kept guidance. The sandy floor beneath your feet starts to give way. You're sinking into the ground. Everyone make a strength save. Oh, dang. Oh, dang. 27. Oh, no. 21. The egg's... 9. 9.
mud and bart you squirm around and try to free yourself but end up getting stuck further in the sandy soup what do you do cyborg and gum gum they're slowly sinking down uh i throw my rope and say grab hold of my rope shooting an arrow no i i grab hold of one part of the rope yeah i grab on to make a strength check uh gum gum i would also like to help by helping gum gum pull it that was the wrong one i did uh we're gonna use it anyway it's a one
You can roll as well because strength check kyborg since you are helping. There we go. You said it before the roll hits. It's my turn to save the team. It's a 24, not 20 plus 4. Gum Gum, you must be getting really strong because it doesn't feel like you're pulling at all, but Bart and Mudder just get like flying out of the quicksand. He just throws the rope and lets go. Wow, it feels like they weigh like nothing. Wow.
Kyborg, you do manage to pull your friends out. Again, I have to cite the scene in Predator where Dylan starts pulling tree branches down and you see his biceps. They have a shot specifically for his biceps. After we get out of the quicksand, I jump off of Mud's shoulders. You're not riding him anymore? I no longer want to be associated with...
Maybe because I rolled a one, I forgot which direction I'm supposed to be pushing or pulling, so I'm pushing the rope. That sounds on brand. Mud, you're up, and you've got Scout Ahead and It's Elementary. I guess I'll bite the bullet on It's Elementary. All right. Go ahead and make that intelligence check, please. We don't. The dice did the thing. Five. Five. Sorry. Not quite able to figure it out with your noggin. The dice.
The dead end's gone. Correct. It has been removed. You have a left, a center, and a right available. Let's just go middle. Monster! Oh! That is the first monster card we've encountered. Yeah. Though it picked. And we've only gotten one right. Yeah, correct. Only four more to go. Only four more to go. The monster draws closer. You can hear its breathing. Does the monster know the right path? Because if he does, I'd be happy to let him just kind of lead us. What does the monster sound like? You're not sure.
Is it a species of thing that Bart might be attracted to? Yes, because I'm pansexual.
We're back to the top of the initiative order, Bart. And the only action available is scout ahead, which is dexterity based. Let's do it, baby. Dexterity check, please. 14? 14. Not quite enough to really give you any insight. You know there are three paths ahead of you, left, center, and right. Could I use my inspiration deck? You could, yeah. Let's do it. Ooh. What if the monster sounds were like, ah-hoo, ah-hoo, ah-hoo, ah-hoo? But like echoing off in the distance? Ah-hoo, ah-hoo, ah-hoo. 16. Ah-hoo.
Ooh, much better. There you go. So it allows you to reveal the top card of the deck in addition to a card in the river, and you can choose one. I will reveal the left card. The left card is a dead end. The card on top of the deck is a right path. Right path, baby! Right path, number two. This is also how you revealed the other one. Ooh, woo. It was also a scout. From a scout ahead, yeah. My deck's already pretty good. With a sharp eye, you uncover a secret passage that snakes past some treacherous pools of green acid. This does
so it's a good thing you used that that uh yeah it worked out for us i got to roll some new actions here a well-timed inspiration it's because i got off mud and i could focus a little better ah yes i was too i was too reliant on mud before i'm just letting him do all the work you were too high up in the cave you're just not used to that i'm not used to it yeah my whole visuals were off you weren't grounded kyborg you are up and you have its elementary which is intelligence careful
Torch path. It's not there. It's not there. What? Careful consideration or boost morale. Oh, geez. What's the one that involves wisdom again? That's careful consideration. All right, we'll do careful consideration then. Make me a wisdom check. 15. Oh, that works. Nice. So that reveals two cards in the river this turn, and you can choose one. Clift and right. To your left is a mystery. Ooh. To your right, a monster. Ah. Hmm.
We'll take the mystery. Watch out. It's a mystery. It's a new arm made of platinum. You see a decaying skeleton and in its hand is a small potion. I take the potion out of the skeleton's hand. You recognize this potion. You've encountered many of these in your travels. It is a potion of healing. It looks like that skeleton didn't use it in time. Didn't get to it quite in time. It tells a sad story.
I also love how you gave kyborg a skeleton to encounter just so he could say "skellington" What do you mean? What's wrong? How do I say that? Which I just said it accidentally because I'm so used to you saying it like that Skellington I don't see how that's wrong "Rest well, little guy" Oh that's sweet Is it too late to save him?
Are we also close enough? You just dump the potion on him. Up next is Gum Gum. Gum Gum, you have its elementary and boost morale available to you. I'm gonna do the morale. 16. Wow. Well, that would allow you to remove a dead end card in the river from the game. We do not have any, unfortunately. But it is still good to get rid of these. That way you can get new ones that pop up. You get no insight, but you're one step closer to getting new actions. I did nothing.
so he doesn't go any direction uh he could choose a direction still but he doesn't there's no like insight into which direction to go you know what to do okay i'll go left monster why would you choose life gum gum i always do what you say he didn't well he just said you know what to do he didn't say
How's your quest going? You know, the one I sent you on last week to find the missing listeners? Have you plumbed the depth of a decaying dungeon next to your cubicle or climbed high into the nose-bleeding reaches of the apartment above yours? Well, don't give up, fair hero. Find those missing listeners and guide them to the stinky dragon. Don't they too deserve to hear these tales? I think they do.
care to nibble on the latest noxious news about the podcast or feast your eyes on mystifying memes then follow us at stinky dragon pod on twitter and instagram plus if you tag us on social media using hashtag stinky dragon pod or make a post in the stinky dragon subreddit you could be named after one of the next npcs around the corner from our heroes and you may be wondering what should you post on social media well sometimes when the infinites have a day off the party likes to leisurely lavish themselves in lush luxury
I'm talking about spending some silver on arcane artifacts, wondrous weapons, or other inexplicable items. If you have any ideas for fantasy-based objects of value such as these, then post them on Twitter or Instagram using hashtag StinkyDragonPod. Perhaps one of the illustrious Infinites will come across it in the spoils on their next battle.
In fact, we have some recent NPCs that were named after folks that follow us on Twitter or Instagram. The Brood of Tabulians, Otak the Spokesperson is named after Atkato Deville. Osu, which is named after Atjusohenrik and Aminor is named after Atseronimo. Oh, and don't forget Brendong the Dust Devil is named after JesseT92. And on top of that,
We have our own friends who provide VO for some characters in the show, like Sheriff Gov, voiced by Caden Jensen, and Osus the Tabulian, as well as Dr. Ahem, voiced by Micah Reisinger, who's our writer, editor, composer for the show, the DM behind the DM.
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Sure.
I want you to say it Jerry Maguire style. Show me the magic. Thank you. That was just for me.
No, nothing out of the ordinary. Nothing other than your party and their equipment. Should we go get all the gold? Probably. Nothing bad will happen. Okay, let's go. I guess we drew that monster card, but it was a gold card instead. Did you want to do something, Mud? I was going to Scrooge McDuck jump into the gold. You know what? Could I do a quick action? Sure. Okay, I cast Flame Arrows and give Kyborg Flame Arrows. Aww.
Nice. That's how I receive them. You hear a voice in the room yell out, "Francatonk! Mirandalore! Seize them!" And you see from the other side of the room three Tabulian guards quickly descending upon your position. Wait!
We're going to initiative now. It's Bart's turn. So he said there's three to bully in. Guards. I'm switching out. I'm switching out Longbow of Crystallana for Longbow Triumph. Thank you. I would like to cast Thunder Wave.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's going to cause a mess in here. Oops, all gold. Oops, ow. Metal flying everywhere. We determined that it goes out from me, right? Correct. Not like around me? Correct. A 15-foot cube in front of you.
Okay. I will cast that. Okay. I'll say in order to affect them, you have to move up a little bit. The room's kind of long. Okay. But you have enough movement. I'll say you probably have to move like 15 feet to get to them. Okay. I'll move 15 feet and cast it. A wave of thunderous force sweeps out from you. Each of your enemies must make a constitution saving throw. Mm-hmm.
14. It's a 19, 19, and 13. So only one of them is fully affected. Yeah, it's a good roll. So on a fail save, that creature takes 2d8 thunder damage and is pushed 10 feet back. On a successful save, those creatures take half as much damage and are not pushed. So you want to go ahead and roll your 2d8 damage? Just did. One takes 8, so the other two take 4. I forgot that because we never took a long rest, my spell slots are limited. That's why I was asking for a long rest. Yeah. I was like, well, my HP's full. I'm fine.
I'm fine. I won't. The spells. I'll give you some spells. Thank you. Which ones are you giving me, GumGum? Abracadabra. I don't know. We'll have to roll for it when we're not in combat. Could I do Bardic Inspiration for Kyborg? Bardic Inspiration as a bonus action? Yeah, absolutely. As a bonus action, a creature other than yourself within 60 feet can hear you. Gains an inspiration die of 1d8 for 10 minutes. You can add it to an ability check, attack roll, or saving throw. It can be added after you see the roll, but before knowing the outcome.
Yo, Kyborg, you been working out? Because you look buffed.
Do you have an inspiration die? Yes, I do. Damn it. Kyborg, you're up. I just want to say, Miranda Lore, great listener. Appreciate her so much. That's who this enemy is named after. I'm going to kill you now. I'm going to kill them. I wanted to make that call out before I aimed their character. She also was the one who cosplayed as Bart at RTF, right? Lovely cosplay. It's such an incredible person. Destroy her! I'm going to kill her. I aim my hand cannon at her.
As an action, the wearer lowers the wrist of the prosthetic arm and fires a cannonball using the wearer's dex modifier to a single target. Didn't you just get fire arrows? Yeah, but I want to blow this kid away. Those will stay with him for a while. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got 12. So do I roll a d20 and then add my dex modifier? I've been wondering when the next time you're going to use that hand cannon. Right now I'm one of my most favored community members. So roll a d20 and add your dex modifier.
Speaking of community, the subreddit is popping off. More and more people keep joining it, and I love it. And there's, like, good discussions and questions and fun little theories and whatnot. Yeah, that would be an 11 plus 5, I believe? Yeah.
Yes, correct. So that would be a 16, which is enough to hit your friend. And for reference, Miranda Lore is the one that was pushed back by the Thunder Wave. I'm sorry, Miranda. Only I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. Shot deals 46 bludgeoning damage and 46 fire damage if it hits in the creature must take a DC 16 strength saving throw to be knocked or be knocked around. So I need to roll two groups of 46s. All right. So that's a 16 and a...
a 16. And what's the save that Mirandler needs to make? DC 16 strength saving throw or be knocked prone. So the strength, Mirandler strength is plus 6. Dang, strong stance. Wow. I imagine just like a one big muscle. It's just buff noodles. 16. So the save is successful. Okay. So a total of 32 points of damage.
How's Miranda Lohr looking right now? A little singed. Not too happy. Okay. But still standing. And then I have another action. That being said... And they got HP. It's hand cannon is up, but like...
How would that work out if I were to want to use the longbow of triumph for a shot? Wait, it's your right hand with the hand cannon, right? Your right arm? It would be my prosthetic arm, which is my right arm. Okay, so you imagine holding your bow in the left arm, you extend your right arm, fire the hand cannon, then just pull it back to draw. Yeah, okay, then we're going to be using the longbow of triumph. Very cool. Since it's the way that everything's laid out, if it was your left hand, I'd say maybe you'd have to move the bow around, but because it's your right hand, which you just used to draw, you're able to successfully navigate this. Aw, man.
All right, so then I use the longbow triumph. That's a 21. That hits. All right, doing six points of damage plus a fire arrow. That's a six. So that's seven points of damage. And I also want to make that... Arcane? Yeah, I want to make that an arcane shot.
Bursting arrow. Oh, no. Which is immediately after the arrow hits the creature at the target and all other creatures within 10 feet take 2d6 force damage. Ooh. There are no creatures within 10 feet because like I mentioned, Brandelore is the one that got pushed back by Thunderwave. By more than 10 feet? I just want her to keep just getting pushed to the end of the room and just go, go, go, go. All right, go ahead and roll that damage. Four.
lots of damage there action surge action surge no taking another shot with the longbow triumph i'm just gonna keep this going i want i want miranda lord to die i want it to be the shortest lived npc character one of our nicest fans one of our greatest fans the best of them 20. that hits all right and then i do 11 points of damage
plus 1d6 5 16 points of damage merandler is still up but looking very very haggard okay i take another shot with the longbow triumph oh my god how many do you have because he action search and he has two attacks per action so when he searches he can attack twice 20. that hits my god doing why did i bother giving you a bardic inspiration 13 points damage
Plus a d6 from a flame arrow. A 1 to 14. Mirandolor falls to the ground in a smoking, uh, bludgeoned, uh... Oh my god.
Shout out to Miranda Lord. Keep listening to the show. It's like when Sonny Corleone gets ambushed at the toll booth and the godfather gets attacked. I was thinking it's more like when you're playing a Street Fighter game and you just stun lock somebody. And you're just juggling them with combo after combo after combo. Oh.
Portaboolean. Yeah. Franca Tonk yells out, Sir Pelloni, Mirandolor has fallen. Move to the right. I also want to take a movement and just kind of move back from where I'm assuming they are, you know? Yeah. So just like get as much distance as I can. Absolutely. So that was Kyborg's turn. Oh, it's Sir Pelloni's turn. I did like eight points of damage on one of them and four on the other. And you're just like...
- Do we know how much I just did? - From a meta perspective, if Mirandolor had not taken the full eight points of damage from you, she probably would have barely survived Kylo's attack. - Really? Okay, I thought it's all in effort. - So don't downplay eight points of damage. Like that's the difference between Mirandolor having an action this turn and not having an action this turn. - Noted. - Okay, where was I? Oh yeah, it's Sir Polonie's turn.
Sir Pelloni. Is that also a community member? Yeah. Sir Pelloni is named after at Lucas Sir Pelloni. And Franca Talk, by the way, is named after at FrankRM00.
Also people who have communicated with us on social media. At eekydragonpod. Yeah. Sir Pelloni takes to the air with its wings and flies in close to Kyborg. But not me. I'm weak. You don't want me. It drops down in front of Kyborg and tries to take a bite out of him. Just kill their friend, I think. Justify. It's an axe. Play along. Oh. Oh, no, I'm so frail. He's so frail.
Go for Bart. Tries to bite. Hits AC 19. AC 19. All right. That hits. You take 11 points of piercing damage. And you must make a constitution saving throw. Okay. As a reminder, I am advantage on constitution. So I've got a 21 and a 20. Well, Sir Pelloni again reaches out with its body this time and tries to wrap its body around you. Hugs. Hitting. Ooh, critical. Oh, God.
- Successfully hitting you, doing. - You know what? I don't like that. He doesn't get a critical. - Oh, you're gonna use? - Yeah, I'm lucky. Why don't you go ahead and reroll that? - Wait, you're lucky could make other people? - Yes. - What? - It's a crazy overpowering feat. - You have three luck points per long rest whenever you make an attack roll and ability check or saving throw. You can spend to roll one additional d20 and choose which die to use. Oh, wait, wait, wait. Or when an attack roll is made against you. - Yes. - Damn, that's OP. - It's really OP. - How do I get this feat? - Rerolling the attack.
re-roll a character yeah it's ac 17. it's still a hit it's not great not a crit all right you take seven points of bludgeoning damage that's more like it however sir polony is wrapping itself around you constricting you okay on your turn you can try to escape okay one of you brave young men wants to help me is it a boa constrictor oh i got you it's a long boa constrictor
Gum Gum, you're up. I'll rage first and see what happens. And that'll be a roll my eight. A bolt of light shoots from my chest. Another creature of your choice that you can see within 30 feet must succeed on a constitution saving throw, take 1d6 radiant damage and be blinded until starting the next turn. So I guess I'll do the one that hasn't attacked yet. That one in front of me. Okay. So constitution saving throw? Yeah. Yeah. So 19. I'm pretty sure. I think if I remember right, your save is like 14.
Okay, and then I'm going to run to that creature, and I'm going to recklessly attack it. Okay. I feel like a recurve bow is a little bit better than a longbow. God. Let's see that reckless attack. You got to roll to 22, which is a hit. All right, so that's a full plus seven plus two plus two.
So 23 points of damage on Fronkatonk, who is still standing and strong like a tonk. And then I'll use my second attack to do it again. All right, go ahead. Roll your attack. You say stronk? Stronk. Stronk. I assume that will hit. That is a 19. That hits. 21 damage.
That's a lot. He's taking a significant amount of damage. He is still standing. You do notice that as you're attacking him, you know, up close and you're striking him with your axe, you notice every time you strike him that your weapon sizzles a little bit. Wait. So this means touching them burns us? Well, they have acid blood. Wait, are these two bullions? Yeah. Okay. So they're winged snakes?
Yeah, I should have picked up the context clues. You're right. A little dumb. You also said there are three Tabulian guards. I did. Context clues. Fair. It was right there in front of me all along. Is it a clue if it's blatant? If you stop looking at bows, you'd know. I'm sorry. Everyone else is looking up fun things. It's Franca Tonk's turn, and Gum Gum is standing right in front of them. Ah, yes. Franca Tonk, the Tabulian. Hmm. Yes. Yes.
Broncatonk is going to strike out and bite at you. They have fangs. Yes, they do. That is a 16, which I believe hits. Yeah. Doing eight points of damage. Eight points of what kind of damage? Piercing. Oh, yeah. So you take half and you must make a constitution saving throw. Constitution saving throw. Oh, no. I rolled a one. You start to feel really sick.
Both hands. I like the idea that you didn't throw up. You just made the sound of you throwing up. He's actually going to try to strike out and bite you again. Gum Gum starts spitting.
You know when you start feeling sick, it makes your mouth... He's like... AC 17 is a hit. Yeah, I'll hit. Doing another nine points of piercing damage when you take half, so you take four. You would have to make another saving throw, but you already failed the first one. Okay. The side effect of you feeling sick, by the way, is that you have disadvantage on attack rolls and ability checks. That was Fronkatonk. Mud, you're up. Mud's asleep. Okay.
What? Because that took so long. What size beast are these flying, are these two bullions? Medium. Oh, yay. Okay. Yeah, I'm going to summon, I'm going to conjure two giant toads.
Chris was really excited about that. Okay. So much has happened. I know that there's two left. Franca Tonks and Serpiloni. Mandalorian's dead. I killed her. Mandalorian's dead.
What happens when a toad gets struck by lightning? Everybody is. I just rewatched that the other day. It's so funny you say that. Oh, my God. Where are they? How far away from... Sir Pelloni is currently constricting Kyborg kind of at the back of the party, and Fronkatonk is near the front of the party, currently engaged in melee combat with Gum-Gum. Okay, then I'm going to conjure them next to each Tabulian, or if not, I can have them conjure anywhere and jump to them. But they're going to do a...
bite on each of the tabooians. Okay. Oh, bad rolls. Neither of them are gonna connect. A six and a nine. Nah, neither connects. Okay. It's okay, doggies. Doggies.
Oh, bummer. My toads. Mud is like a Pokemon trainer. Why do you think I picked this character? I think you mean, why do you think I choose this character? I choose you. Then I guess as a bonus action, I wanted to use my hidden step. That's what it is. And I turn invisible till the start of my next turn. Ooh, spooky.
Where'd he go? Thank you, Blaine. She says you can do it. Misspelled. How do you... What is misspelled and you can't do it? You. You all can do it. Wait, let me take a picture of that and I'll post it. Oh, shit.
That's good. There you go. Excellent. Nice. All right. Is that it for you, Mud? Yeah, that's it. I waited 45 minutes to fail on my attack, and now John's going to go take a PV break. All right. Back up to the top of the initiative order. Bart. Yeah. So I just realized I have an item in my possession that I've never used before. The Thunderstun Drum.
Thunderstun drum. That sounds awesome. Use an action to strike this drum sonorously. Sonorously? That could be heard from up to 300 feet away. All creatures in a 15-foot cone must make a constitution saving throw or take 5d6 thunder damage.
And be stunned until the next turn. Ooh. And you use it once per day. Yeah. Wouldn't that... I could choose where the cone is. I'm currently being wrapped, and I think the other person is just face-to-face. So you could theoretically, like, make the cone just, like, slip. Yeah, could I, like, have it avoid Gum-Gum? Yeah, you could have it hit only the one Tavulian that he's currently engaged in. Yeah. Yeah. It's like that.
It's like that movie Drumline with Nick Cannon. So it says it must make a constitution saving throw, but the item doesn't say what that is here. Oh, I got you. Yeah, where do you pull that from? It's a DC 14. So you do have an overall spell save DC. Okay. And it would use that spell save DC, which in your case is 14. Done.
Thunderstorm. That would be Fronkatonk, who needs to make that save. Ooh, a five. That's a failure. Yes.
So he does 5d6 of thunder damage. So go ahead and roll it. That is a 18. Ooh, that's lots of damage on Franca Tonk. And then what else happens? He's stunned? He's stunned until the next turn, yeah. Ooh, okay. Yeah, he looks kind of weak and he's stumbling around. Yeah, that's right. I bang the drum, baby. Gum Gum fights the urge to put away his weapon and pull out his drum. Ha ha ha.
duo it's whiplash is that it for your part i believe so all right kyborg
All right, what checks do I need to do to get this stupid taboolyan off me? The escape DC for the constriction is 16 dexterity. 17? So you do manage to free yourself from the constriction. Flex my muscles. They just can't hold on to the bulge. Snake explodes. Okay, is that an action or is that just like... No, it's just like a buff. Okay, they're all up in my face. So I'm assuming I'm going to have disadvantage for Longbow? Correct. Okay.
Heck it. I'm gonna continue to do that. Yeah, longbow triumph. That's a 29 and a 26. Okay. Doing eight plus an additional 1d6. Ciao.
That's a two. Okay, ten. I'm still going to call it an arcane shot, and it's going to be a grasping arrow, which is a creature hit by the arrow takes an extra 2d6 poison damage. Its speed is reduced by 10 feet, and it takes 2d6 slashing damage the first time on each turn it moves one foot or more. Brambles last for a minute until you use this option again or until the creature uses an action to remove it.
with the athletics check. - I bet they're resistant to poison. - Well, they're not resistant to getting tethered down by a bunch of brambles. So we're gonna use that. So I'm gonna roll a 2d6 poison damage. - All right. - And then we'll see if Gus takes that away from me. - Well, you wouldn't know. - Fine. Five. - Okay. - Yeah. Okay. That's that. And then I continue. I have another attack. - Yes. - So I'm gonna make one more longbow triumph shot. 21. And then I'm at disadvantage, so I'll roll again. - Thank you. - 14.
Still good. Okay. All right. That's so good. That's so good. That's doing... I say that all the time. 11 points of damage plus a D6 fire damage. Four points. Nice. Serpilloni is still standing, but looks kind of bloodied. Okay. And tethered. And tethered. Because they are kind of tethered down, if I were to leave, would that be an attack of opportunity? I'll say that because of the grapple that they are unable to make an attack of opportunity. Okay. Well, in that case, I skip away. Okay.
I go, weedy deedy. And I put a pretty significant amount of distance between me and I try to find like the center between the two baddies that we're currently facing. Okay. I want to make at least that much distance. I don't see Kyborg as a skipper. Hi, Kyborg. That kind of skipper though.
I mostly do it to make, I am not a skipper, but I wanted to make that person feel insulted. You want to throw him off? Yeah. I'm a rope doctor. So I flail my hands. Gum Gum, it's your turn. The taboo in front of you is currently stunned. Okay. How far away is the other one? Say like 10, 15 feet behind you. I'm going to shoot my blind thing at him. The one that's not stunned? Yeah. The one that's not stunned. You must succeed on a constitution saving throw or take 1d6 radiant damage and be blinded. This will start my next turn.
Okay. Constitution save. Failed. Yeah. So they're just blinded? They're blinded and take six damage. Sir Pelloni is blinded, takes a little bit of damage, stumbles back.
And falls onto a pile of rusty swords on the ground. Oh, dead. Oh, no. Not the rusty swords. And then I jump and take a reckless attack at the stunned one. Fronkatonk. Fronkatonk. Sounds like a Ninja Turtle enemy. I like it a lot. It's a good name. Wait, wasn't Serpiloni the one that was tethered? Yeah. So then they were also like...
Yeah. It's like a vaudeville bit where you're like stumbling and like hot water falls on you and you put your hand on a stove and something falls. Which is especially funny. They were stumbling as a snake. I'm recklessly attacking, which means I have advantage and they're also stunned, but
But then I have poisoned or whatever. It evens out to just one roll. But would I not get advantage if they're attacking someone who's stunned? Yeah, I mean, you're right. I don't know how it stacks. Like, you would never roll three. You'd never get double advantage. But I had already lost one advantage. So you would say they cancel and then you have the one. Sure, why not? Yes! No precedent is being set here. I reserve the right to change this decision in the future. Oh, nat 20! Nice. Well, I'm just going to take that one.
Okay. So that's a lot. So roll your damage and then we'll add max damage on top of that. Savage attacks. When you score a critical hit, roll one of the weapons dice one additional time and add extra damage. That's the barbarian trait. Wow. Okay. So then... This is also something I've forgotten about. So then it's 2d12 and then an additional maximum die on top of that. So it's 15 plus 12, 27. Are there any additional bits of damage to that? Plus two for...
For raging and then plus two for the friendly axe. Oh, also, oh, also. It doesn't matter. He's very dead. No, no, but I want to use this. Okay. But if he's dead. This is the first time I've crit with the friendly axe. Okay. Oh, oh, oh, right, right. Oh, shoot. And I also got two. I got a kill with the longbow triumph. So then I get D10 temporary damage. What happens with the friendly axe? It's another randomizer. So I rolled D8. I rolled three, which means advantage on your next saving throw.
So that's cool. Okay. So they're dead? Yes. Fronkatok falls to the ground, very dead with many cuts on him. I help. Well, you did because you gave me advantage by stunning him. Oh, and I also did 18 points of damage. So you all have vanquished the enemies here and you're in this room that, like I said earlier, is filled with coins. Good job, Mud.
I made flame arrows. I want to collect coins. I want to start collecting coins. Is this like gold or like money? There's all kinds. There's copper pieces, silver pieces, and gold pieces. I want gold pieces. I want lots of gold pieces. All my toads go and swallow all the gold. Could I start shoveling some into my bag of holding? I'll told you I'll split it however you want. There's 599 gold pieces. Oh my goodness. Even it. So it's 150 each, but one person gets 149. I'll take the 149. There you go.
So 150 gold each? Yeah. So Mike gets the most because he has one. He has ends in nine. I give you one of my gold pieces and then that's going to go to your badger. Oh, it's a gumbo. It's a gumbo tax. There's also, you find a couple of various doodads here. Oh, yes. Doodads. My dad? Yeah.
You find a set of gold teeth, a bronze bracelet, and a silver ring. I'd like to request the bracelet for a gumbo for a necklace. Can I have a gold teeth? I figured you were going to be asking about the teeth. So Gum-Gum takes the teeth.
Mud takes the bracelet. Bronze bracelet. I'll take the ring. Oh, yeah, it's because you're a halfling. Yeah. So are the teeth now, are they like dentures or like what? Yeah, you would imagine they would be like dentures, yeah. Dick them in. Can I put them on? Can I wear them? Well, you've got actual teeth, though. I know, but could I put them? We can fix that really quick. Gum gum rages and punches himself in the face. Would they fit up?
over my normal teeth? No, they're intended to go like over gums. Well, I guess. Well, I am gums gums. Oh, nice. Gums gums. I'm glad we finished that and now we're all the way through the cave. Yay. I hold up the and I mouth them with my hand to the guy where I go, I will enjoy them. Thank you. Which means, Mud, it's your turn. Yay, Mud gets a turn. Mud gets to do something. Left path, center path, and right path. The only action available is
It's elementary, which is intelligence-based. First, I'd like to introduce you to my toads. This is Gabby, and this is Stacy. Good doggies. Can I ride one? Bart taps them on the head and does a little pat-pat. And so what were the checks? You only have It's Elementary available, which is intelligence-based. I'll do it. I'll do it. And I'll be smart. Be so smart. S-M-R-T. Nope. Nope. That's a two. That does not work.
So you have a left path, a center path, and a right path available in front of you. Center. Center. Right path. Oh, thank Jesus. So now we have three out of five. Yeah. You come across what looks like a dead end, but cleverly carve through the sandy wall and make your way closer to the prisoners. I have to, I roll. I roll to make the fake wall. Like Somersault? It's a Dark Souls reference. Oh.
You roll through it. That means it is Bart's turn. You have forge a path. It's elementary and careful consideration. And those are? Strength, intelligence, and wisdom. I'll do the intelligence one just to. All right. Go ahead and make the intelligence check. Go 11. Not quite good enough, but you do have a left, a center, and a right path card in front of you. Get it right. Get it right. Right. Ooh, mystery. Ooh. Ooh.
The mystery is, it's a right path. I also love how the mysteries are always just like, here's this potion in this box. And it's clearly labeled. I'm giving you labels now because I'm tired of y'all just collecting stuff. You're like, what is this? I don't remember. I've had it in my inventory forever. It's a wiki box. Partially buried in the sand, you see like the top of a potion with a little cork stopper popping out of it. I pick it up.
You pick it up, it is labeled, and it says Elixir of Health. Elixir of Health. All right. I pop it in my backpack. I was hoping you would say mouth. Also, am I still poisoned or do... Yes. Do I need to... Is there anything I can do to not be? Like, do I do like rolls or anything to prevent... Eventually over time it will fade, or you could, if you have like an Elixir of Health or something, you could take that.
Right? Yeah. I'm poisoned. You're poisoned. Oh. How many of those elixirs you got? Just this one. I guess, like, what are the effects of the poison on Gum-Gum? He has disadvantage on attack rolls and ability check. Oh, I could give him my elixir of health. Go for it. Pop it in. I want to feed it to Gum-Gum like a bottle. Also being like a baby bird, but that works too. Would we both get the benefits of that? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Uh, alright, yeah, you, uh, you feel the negative effects, uh, leaving your body, and you feel much healthier, much better. Thank you. While we're popping her potions, can I do a potion of healing? Yeah. I want to give Bart some spells. You could give me spells? Yeah. That's what you meant. I forgot you have that ability. Bolster magic. Yeah. Does that mean, like, I would get spell slots back? Slots. Yeah, slots. Uh, so I roll a d3. I rolled a 2. The creature regains one extended spell slot level, which equals to the number rolled or lower. So you get level 2 spell slot back. Excellent. Thank you. Alright.
After Bart is kyborg. Cool. Forge your path is available. Forge your path. Let's do it. Strength check. Every time you do that, you sound like the TikTok of like, if you need a little bit of sunshine, you can have some of mine. That's only a 12. A 12. That is not enough, but you do have three paths ahead of you. Left, center, and right. Left. Right path. Oh, thank you. You spot two. No, no, no. I said left. Left.
I want to throw your mason jar against the wall. You spot two tabooians slithering by talking about prisoners and follow them from a distance into another chamber. Why do I have to do that? Because I just break draconian. And he ties their shoelaces. Gum gum.
which is just their tails. All that's left is careful consideration, which is Wisdom. It reveals two cards in the river this turn. Okay, well, I'll do that. It's been more than ten minutes since I got butt slapped, right? No. No? Okay. Does that mean Kyber still has my Bardic Inspiration? Yeah. Combat is really fast. Yeah. Wisdom!
Zero. Plus. I think that's after the modifier. I'm going to save that butt slap. You should. Left, center, and right. Okay.
i'll go center you reach a corridor and sneakily peek around the corner you catch a glimpse of several pies and chains you've reached the prisoners you've reached the prisoners that stays in wait can they be poisoners no
There looks to be a lone guard watching over the entrance to a dungeon cell. It's difficult to tell how many prisoners are inside. The guard has not spotted you yet. My toads, attack him! No! No! You hear a voice in the distance. The guard turns to look and walks off in that direction. Should we try to follow him? I say we let the prisoners go, get pied to get them out of here, and then we can... I cast the thingy that gives everybody... Pass without a trace? Pass without a trace. Pass without a trace.
Bart knows my spells better than I do. Sneaky, sneaky. I know the sneak thing. Bart, do that thing that makes it look like there's a fake wall, but make it look like there's nothing. A minor illusion? Oh, yeah. For what? Like over the hallway that the guy went in, so that the hallway looks like we're not, he won't see us moving around. Mission possible. Sure, sure, sure. Yeah, can I cast minor illusion?
Sure. And pop a wall up. It went to the crumbling? Yeah. You said I'm paying? And I want it to look like the walls that are currently in this. Yeah, so someone approaching would not see. Okay, yeah, gotcha.
So I think we should get the prisoners out, then Pie takes them back down the path to get them out of here, and then we... Done, done, done, done. Kill some dudes. We're looking for a diagent. Yeah, but also murder. Let's go talk to them, but real quiet, like... Okay. So y'all are approaching the prisoners to talk to them? How about maybe one of us?
My approach is... My approach is... Okay, yeah. Let's take an action. You enter the room, and there's like a smithing table and some hanging manacles, and chained to the wall in Florvia shackles are four pie prisoners that look exhausted. You went to the bardbershop, didn't you? I did. You recognize some of these prisoners. It's the bards, and they go, and a one, and a two. You know these as the Toon Sisters, and they're currently manacled. Friendship bracelets.
Hello, my name is Mud, and we're here to save you. How are you doing? They look up with hope at you and say, oh, thank you. The keys for these manacles are on the smithing table over there. I grab them, and I release them all from their manacles.
The all is happily ever after. I imagine it might not be that easy. No, no. I said it. It happened. I set up my hunting trap at the fake wall right at the edge of it. Oh, gotcha. Right. I forgot you had that. Sheriff Gov looks around and kind of furs her brow and says, Hold up. This can't be everyone. Where's Chick? Kara? Ludi? The Toon Sisters kind of look down. Well, speak up. They're not...
"Dead, are they?" Soaptoon says, "No, I mean, well, we don't know." Arenotoon says, "They were taken into that room." Points across to a northern door and says, "All we know is that no one ever comes back." Sheriff Gov strokes her chin for a second, glances at the door, and turns to you all and says, "I need your help. I have a duty to lead these folks back to Pius Pass, but I can't just leave Chick and the others behind."
Can I count on you to find them and bring them home? Absolutely. You bet. I miss Chick. She was one of my BFFs from Pious Pass. Okay. After we robbed her shop. I was wondering if that was going to come up. It was a bonding illegalness. Yeah. So Gov is going to leave with these four? Yeah, Sheriff Gov tips her hat to you all and says, Thank you. As soon as I get these folks to safety, I'll come back as quickly as I can to help.
Good luck. She starts leading the Toon Sisters back the way you came. All right, to the north then. Into this place where no one ever returns. Where surely we will. Can we look around and see if there's anything in this room that would be worthwhile? Maybe like a bed for a long rest. We just lock ourselves in. There was a smithing table. It's got various like
There's manacles. Hammer, nails, chains, some manacles. Nothing really other than that. Ooh, I'll take some manacles. Some extra friendship bracelets. Let's say there's, I mean, there were four, obviously, that were chaining them down, or four sets, and then we'll say there's another two on the table. Cool. I want to combine a couple of them to make, like, super long ones. Are you going to do it right here on the smithy table?
Can I? Yeah, absolutely. But it's loud, huh? It's very loud. Well, no, I just meant like connect them together. You're right. Oh, okay. So that I keep the key. Oh, nice. Wait, why do you have... No. For the manacles? I got the key. No, I asked for the manacles. I know. Yeah, but he already picked up the key for them. Because I... Shh. Oh, it's him. What's...
*Gasp* M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra. M'ra.
And we'll all put friendship bracelets on and look like we're in a trap. No. I think we all go in stealthy. I cast invisibility on myself. Great. Okay, so you all have passed out a trace and Bart also has invisibility as well. Yes. And I'll put my friendship bracelets on but not actually lock them. Okay. And grab my bear trap and I won't leave it. Okay. And we go to the door. There it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You open the large stone door to a cavernous sandstone hall bathed in firelight. You see rows and rows of taboolyans bowing toward a raised stone dais in the center of the room, surrounded by a pool of green fluid. But some of the taboolyans look different.
Half of them are no longer limbless serpents with wings. Now some have glowing orange arms. To the north you can see a cave mouth shaped like a fang maw. And out from the mouth a towering figure slinks from the darkness onto the dais. The tabooleans continue chanting, "Mmmrah, mmmrah, mmmrah." Firelight flickers across the metallic body of Quadrant. He smiles wide and raises four arms, hushing the crowd. My fellow tabooleans.
have just spoken with the Great Outer, and I come bearing good tidings. The time has finally come when we no longer cower in the shadow's shame. The Great Cloud has shown favor on us and granted us the power to reach. Quadrant's right eye shimmers and radiates with an orange light. The crowd cheers and raises their fists.
They're the ones that have it. Yeah. Kyborg, roll me a quick wisdom check, if you don't mind. I was laughing at imagining them, like, you said they're, like, bowing and, like, going like this. But they're, like, some of them don't have limbs, so I'm just imagining little worms. Like Smiley on Sesame Street. That's what I thought of, too. I appreciate you thought of that. It's an 8, but it almost was a 20. Important to note. Well, this was a...
Don't I have an extra die thing that I can add to? From Bart? Oh, yeah, you could. 16, yeah. Oh, nice. Well, you remember that Quadrant should not have a right eye. He's got a die agent. During your encounter, when you lost your family, you fired an arrow into that right eye.
M'ra continues. With these arms, we will take back what is ours. Our Draconic honor. Our homeland to Tora. And the arms of our oppressors.
Bring forth the tributes! Out from the Fangmouth come four squadrons escorting a line of pies chained up together. You recognize Chick, Kara, and Ludie among the prisoners. They're all dragged up toward the stone dais. The last pie in the line is much shorter, paler, and has red eyes. You recognize her as Pat Ernst. The quadrant looks down at the prisoners and says, Thank you so much for volunteering. We appreciate you supporting our cause with such...
open arms. The squadrons yank on the chains and all the prisoners fall to the ground prone with their arms outstretched. The quadrant unsheathes an arm-bladed arm holding it high. Let the Armageddon begin!
their arms off and give them to the Tavulians? Find out next week on Tales of the Stinky Dragon. Oh, God. Okay, so to be clear, Umrah is different than Quadrin, or are they the same? We'll have to tune in next week and find out. I think it's just what they call him, maybe. Umrah? Umrah. I'm feeling real bad about Buddy joining in. Umrah backwards is... Oh! And Snake's three backwards. What? Come on!
What's tabooly and backwards? Quick. Find out all these answers next week on Tales from the Stinky Dragon. Thank you everyone for listening. Nail new butt. Trapukesip. Trapukesip.
