C01 - Ep. 59 - Armageddon - Load Off One’s Chest
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This podcast is supported by FX's English Teacher, a new comedy from executive producers of What We Do in the Shadows and Baskets. English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job, while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

This is a Rooster Teeth production. Compliments to all you Colerad. Dance on into the stinky dragon. Knock back our latest nightcap. Couldn't hair less. It's a mixture of jiggly jibber gin, lemon limestone juice, boulder-raised boulder sauce topped with a red hot chili pebble. One drop of this rock tail, no one will be able to take their eyes off your stone cold locks.

Previously, our adventurers traveled to the sandy settlement of Pious Pass in search of a guide through the Flats of T'Bul. But this desert town turned out to be a deserted town. Seems the Pies of Pious Pass have been taken prisoner by the Serpentine T'Bulians. The party put a plan into motion to capture and interrogate T'Bulians. But can they seize these flying serpents and save a free-falling mud from a desertic demise? Cobble a cocktail, let's continue our acrid tale.

It's like you're speaking a different language when you do the intro. Sometimes my brain tunes it out of just like, I don't understand the words you are saying, but I think it's because of like the inflection and the accent that you're putting on it. I'm just like, what's he saying? It's funny you say that because I feel like sometimes when I'm reading it, I zone out and I'm not conscious of the words coming out of my mouth. And I'm like, wait.

Did I say that right? Then I'm like, I have to, I'll come to, to what I'm saying. It's also, Micah's so good at writing like the different words that like go into each other and like the alliteration and everything like that. And so it's just like a bunch of words that are jumbled together that aren't typically like that. It's just so funny to me. What if that's actually Gus's voice? And then the Gus that we know is a character. Like, like Elizabeth, what's her name?

Taylor. No, from the... Olsen. They went to jail. She talked like this. Oh, the... Van Houten. Was it like the blood person? Yeah. Elizabeth? But that wasn't her name. Thanos? No, not Thanos. Iron Man. I know what they're talking about. I'm just going to keep messing with them. Holmes. Okay. And her company was Theranos. Theranos. I said Thanos. It's Theranos, Elizabeth.

My hands are sweaty. I couldn't snap. That was really embarrassing.

John, you can talk, John. John just keeps giving me looks. I don't need to talk. There's plenty of talking going on involving Elizabeth Holmes and Thanos. I think, going back to what you're saying, Barbara, I think I have to turn my brain off or I think I can turn my brain off because the words already kind of flow together. And I think when I used to record some of the earlier episodes, I would stumble and have to do like reread and do multiple takes because my brain was like trying to interject and think about the lines too much. I think it's easier just to like

Turn the brain off and just let like eyes to mouth and that's it. Yeah, that's how I voice all of Ruby. Yeah, that's how I voice a cyborg. You know, when I get in character. Yeah, we can tell there's definitely a lack of brain being engaged in that character sometimes.

Mud, you're falling to the ground. What are you going to do? Because I'm free. He just accepts it. He's just like finally sweet release of death. Bart tries to hold his hands out to catch Mud. I got you, buddy. Buddy or muddy? I got you, buddy. You got me?

Yeah. Mutt turns into a kitten. That's cute. Wait, how high up are you? We didn't explicitly say. We'll say 30 feet. Cats always land on their feet, though. Yeah, but they can still get hurt. And they got nine lines. I mean, you got nine lines. You gotta catch me. You gotta catch me. After a certain height, cats actually have a higher survivability. Like,

Because of the wind resistance? I guess they can stabilize and get to a position where they know what to expect. There's like a danger zone. If it's low, they're safe. There's a danger zone. Then above that, they're fine again. Or not fine, but they're more likely to survive. It's really weird and counterintuitive, but...

like i've read about yeah when they fall they like adjust to be the right way down or right way up rather to fall on their feet rather than like they're falling upside down yeah sounds like he's done they also like parachute like they can let like let their arms out to create more wind resistance you've been doing tests gus it sounds like i don't know how you got this this research and this data but i'm very frightened i read it in a book

Well, I'll tell you what. Why don't you roll me a dexterity saving throw, Mud? Me? Would I also do one to catch him? I'm just falling. Well, yeah. You got to make sure you land correctly. And then after we deal with his, then we're going to deal with a little party boy over there. As a kitty, I should have advantage. Well, you don't know what the save is, do you? You said dexterity saving throw. You don't know what the number is. 11. How did I see that? I don't know. If you don't pass, I can shoot a bursting arrow to give you an extra bump.

of air up into the in to like give him a little a little lift yeah there you go you explode a cat would you call that a concussive blast what i see his 11 by the way i'm just refreshing my dnd beyond windows now

It happens here now lately for some reason I need to like refresh all the windows in order to see the roll like once I refresh it I see the roll I threw a napkin into the trash can and it's across the room and I don't want to disengage to go pick it up but it's just gonna bother me for the rest of the recording Well why don't you go pick it up while I'm trying to catch little kitty mud Okay I'll be right back Kyborg you have three seconds to make a dexterity saving throw Three One Two

Ooh, Kyborg died. What? What? All right. My windows are all reset now. Okay, Mud, you're getting 11 on the dexterity save. Bart, you're trying to catch him. Yeah, why don't you make a dex save as well, just for fun? Okay. It went from a 17 to a 7. It rolled over, but 14. Okay, those are both pretty good. I do have a quick note here from Ben, our producer Ben. Hi, Ben.

While cats have been known to fall from over 30 stories and survive, it's not very common or thoroughly researched. That being said, studies suggest cats can fall as far as 20 stories, which is over 200 feet, and survive with little to no injuries. And this is only 30 feet. So you're way... That's not even a full story, right? How big is this story? Roughly 10 feet, you could say. Oh, okay. So this is... It's about three stories. Oh, you're perfect. You're great. Am I perfect? So normally, Indian... No, you're paw-fect.

In D&D, normally you take about 1d6 damage for every 10 feet you fall. However, you are a cat, which is a little different. We're talking about it here. And I think with an 11 safe, you're more or less okay. You are tied. Well, I guess when you turn to a cat from mud, the rope slips free of you. So you're able to adjust yourself and...

parachute correctly and uh bark dashes over and catches you with arms wide open please just don't tell me he falls claws first onto my arms no no no uh mud falls into your arms and you you now are holding a little kitty cat oh

Good kitty. And I give little chit-scritches. My likes. Does that give me temp HP? No, but the Tabulian that was carrying you flies away into the sunset. Yeah, you better run. You better run, you coward. Should I shoot him? We'll say he's out of range now at this point. I got pretty long range. You actually... Which bow did you say you were using in this encounter? I'm not going to declare him my enemy because then... No, no, no. Seven days. The bow of Crystallina, if I remember right, has something to do with enemies that are out of range. It's...

In addition, your target gains no benefits from cover other than total cover, and you suffer no disadvantage due to long range. But this is... Wait. Can you make a range attack roll with this weapon against your... It's only against sworn enemies. And he's not my sworn enemy. Ah, okay. How do you determine a sworn enemy? You have to declare it.

I declare it. Will you have multiple sworn enemies? No. No. Only the one. He has to have one, and he either has to kill that enemy, or I believe seven days have to pass, and he can reset it. I'm guessing a quadrant might be. Yeah, but I'm not going to declare it yet. Oh, okay. Because I'll get disadvantage on every other attack. Oh, gotcha. Yeah, there are some downsides to it. Weasley, yeah. But I have a fix for that, though. But I don't want to ruin it for Gus. Oh, I can't wait to find out.

Alright, so, uh, you know, we're out of combat. Everyone's standing around except for GumGum who's in an electrified net with three taboolyans. What are you doing over there, GumGum? Well, is it, like, shocking me? Like, how? Uh, we'll say it is not currently shocking you, no. Hey, guys.

Is that addressed to us or the Tabulians? I guess both. Are there still Tabulians around? Because the one in the sky flew away. One flew away and there's three in the net. Oh, they're still in the net, right. Yeah, the three of them that were engaged with Gum-Gum are all trapped. With Gum-Gum. Yeah, with Gum-Gum by Pat. Do you mind if I ask what y'all are doing here?

Yeah, who are you talking to? I'm talking to the Williams. I'm talking to the Williams. It's like maybe you're talking to your partner like, are y'all helping me? What's going on? Yeah, they just, they don't reply. They just like, they make hissing noises. Okay. And you said there's three in there with him, right? Correct. Do y'all want to be friends? No.

No reply. Because they're under this net, could I try just like stabbing some of them with my dagger through the net? Jesus. Yeah. Yeah. Make an attack roll. They're my friends. I forgot Gum-Gum was really weird about this. I'm just imagining they're like latched on to him with their fangs. We'll say you're going to make your attack roll with advantage because they're in a net, so they're kind of restrained. Okay. They're my friends.

Bert, no. I'm going to turn my eye away from this war crime. 24. Yeah, you successfully hit. Go ahead and roll some dagger damage. It's 1d4 plus 4, so that's just 7. Oh. Wait, are you stabbing me? No, I'm stabbing the stab. I'm not stabbing Gum-Gum. Roll a...

A d20 for me, just for fun. Okay. There's never a just for fun in this. Big ol' four. Yeah. Even though they are restrained, all the tabooleans and gum gum are still like kind of moving around and writhing around. But your dagger does manage to strike true and pierce a taboolean doing seven points of damage. And it yelps out in pain. Yes.

Yeah, that's right. Taste some of Bart's dagger. Normally Bart's... Normally Bart's very nice. I just wanted to let you know. Gum Gum, you're in danger. I gotta protect you. No, they're my friends. What if they slowly eat you? What if they unhinge their snake jaws and swallow you whole?

At this point, Sheriff Gov comes running out from the stables. You did it. You got him. You guys committing atrocities over here? Any war crimes? Anything you anyone want to confess to? Are you going to interrogate them now? I already did. No, you didn't. You did.

Where did they take everyone? What information did they give you? Well, they're my friends now. Are you with them now? You're on their side? Well, I'm under their net with them. Sheriff Gov turns to Bart. Good job trapping all the enemies of Pius Pius. Oh, I mean, it was a team effort, Sheriff. I'm not going to take the credit. That's not really in Bart's wheelhouse. Also, one got away. Let's... Hey, shut up. Oh, yeah, Sheriff Gov furs her brow a little bit. Wow.

Do they have our scent now? Do snakes smell? Yeah, they smell with their tongue. That's why they're always flipping their tongue. Oh, nasty.

Let's take them inside and interrogate them. See if we can get any answers out of them. Okay. Mud helps take them inside the jailhouse? Yeah, why not? We'll take them to the jailhouse. I break it to Gum-Gum that his friendship bracelets will not work on these guys. Oh, yeah. How are you going to get them in there? Are you going to let Gum-Gum out first or are you going to drag the whole net with Gum-Gum in it? The whole net. We don't want to risk one of them getting out.

Yeah. Exactly. Alright. I'll help drag the net. Alright. Anyone gonna help kyborg or is it just kyborg pulling? I'm- as a kitty, I'm pulling. I'm gonna lift a little bit from the back of the net so that it doesn't like drag them on the ground as much. So like he's pulling at the front I imagine and I'm like kind of holding up the back of the net. Uh, alright, yeah, why don't both of you just for fun make me uh, we'll call it- is it athletics check or strength check? We'll do- You're gonna have them check to see if they can drag this net. Well then athletics check, yeah. Let's do- both of you do an athletics check. Athletics.

22. Gosh, I'm rolling so bad. 8. Yeah, Kyborg, you're able to pull the net along. Bart's not doing so well lifting up the back end, so the net is dragging quite a bit. Bart's just being dragged by the net. He's holding on. Just saying. I'm helping.

I'm helping. Yeah, you feel like the net's a little heavier than it should be. How much do you weigh, Bart? I'm like 120 pounds. Yeah, the net weighs about 120 pounds more than it should. It's already got a gum gum in there, too. I know. Kyborg's really strong. Yeah, Kyborg's strong. He's got the super arm now with the diagen. Exactly. That's right.

Do you manage to pull it over to the, or drag it over to the jailhouse? It's just like, fair enough. Do you want to put them, where are you going to put them? Are you going to put them in a jail cell or just like lock the front door? What do you envision this looking like?

I mean, obviously, I want to close up the doors and seal exits, but I also want to ask the sheriff what the best place is, because I'm not familiar with this place. How big are they? They're flying snakes. I know, but how big are they? Are they human-sized? Because a snake can vary so much. Yeah, well, they're medium-sized creatures, which

Which means they're going to be fairly large. Like I think a normal snake in D&D would be like a small creature, but these are medium. So they're almost like humanoid size. Give me a diameter. There you go. Yeah, they're like human size. Okay. So they have arms. No, they have no arms. They only have wings. They have wings, but they're like that. Yeah. So like roughly their diameter of their snake-like body is probably human torso size. Oh, okay. So they're thick.

They were able to pick you up. Okay, so we can put them in a jail cell and they're not going to like just slither right out because they're the size of a person. Right, yeah. If a jail cell stops a human or like a humanoid from getting out, then, you know, the bars would have to be thin enough where...

A torso couldn't get out so that they would not be able to slither out as well. Toss him in the cell. With Gum-Gum? Yes. No. No, you should. We can't be certain he hasn't been converted. He's Serpentor from G.I. Joe. It's okay. They're my friends. He might have information we need as well. Why did he make them yell Cobra Law instead of Cobra? Cobra Law! Yeah, I never liked that. It was so dumb to me even as a kid. Anyway. Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na

So it sounded like we have one vote for tossing Gum-Gum in the jail cell and one vote for not. I vote I go in. Okay, you all toss Gum-Gum in the jail cell. All right. With the taboo. I guess we just toss the whole bag of them, huh? Yeah. It's like the departed. We're setting up Gum-Gum to be the undercover guy. Gum-Gum is Leonardo DiCaprio. That's right. Gum-Gum, you're too smart to be with this party. You're just going to burn out after a few years, so...

We're going to put those few years to good use and you're going to work from the inside. Yeah. Literally. And it worked out well for Leo. I need gum gum in a Boston accent now too. Let's hear it. Hey guys, what you doing?

Come on down. No notes. No notes. Did he just make his voice deeper? Yeah, I think he did. I think he thinks that Bostonian is just lower guttural tones. Boston. Boston. Boston. So you just say, I think GumGum already has a Boston accent. Hey, I'm a barbarian. Hey, I'm a barbarian. I'm all downloading. Jesus.

Oh my god. I love this podcast. You guys are great. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. We love it too. So Sheriff Gov and Deputy Pat are out with three of the party members on the good side of the bars and Gum Gum is on the naughty side of the bars along with three taboolyans. Sheriff Gov asks, Well, what now? Turns and looks at Bart. Bart is still holding the dagger with the taboolyans blood on it and hides it behind his back. Laughter

Uh, I mean, they will be hard to crack being that they're snakes and snakes are not made of shell. Sorry, GumGum's literalness is rubbing off on me.

I mean, this was our say to the bargain was get them. Your side was interrogate them. So happy to let you take over at this point. Yeah, you're the sheriff. Yep. Literally your job. All right. All right. No need to be so hostile. Just thought as mighty infinites. You might have some insight into the process.

I'm just a simple small town sheriff here at Pies Pass. Have we ever interrogated anybody successfully? I just thought of it. They're cold-blooded creatures, so if we, like, do some sort of freezing spell to make it cold for them, make it a little uncomfortable for them, you know? Then maybe they'll be more willing to talk. You'll have to hurt them. I look forward to your cold spell, Kyborg. I'm not the magic guy.

It's nice of you to assume that we all have just infinite magic at our disposal. I don't know. You guys wave your hand and do your thing. I also like how Kyborg turned a blind eye to stabbing a Tabulian, but now he's like, a little torture? Question mark? Anybody want to dart down to torture these prisoners? Do what you want to us. We'll never talk. I'll say this. Kyborg, I don't have any cold powers. I do, but I will never use it against my friends.

Chris, I love this direction that we're going right now. This is chef's kiss. Well, we could try roughing them up a bit to get some information out of them. Or perhaps we can bribe them and persuade them to be a little bit more willing to share information with us. What do you bribe them with? Yeah, what do they like? What do snakes like? They like not being in nets.

I don't know. Maybe we have something they want. Or we can ask them why they're here, and that can lead us to some kind of accord. Or some kind of common ground we can find with them. Yeah. All right, I'll take over from here. I'll talk to them, too. Bart goes behind Mud and crosses his arms. I'm also still a kitten. I want to make that very clear. I have not turned back into Mud. Good cop, cat cop. Cat cop, yeah. Well, Micah suggested good infinite, bad infinite. Yeah. Great. So...

So, you guys are clearly have some sort of vendetta against this town. I don't know... Yeah, vendetta! I'm not wearing a bandana. Thank you very much. So, we'd love to just set you free and let you get back to whatever your flying snake business is. And so, if there's some way that we could come to an arrangement... Yeah, an arrangement.

Of what it is you want with this town or the problem you have with it, we'd actually be happy to help solve that. I'm so happy.

The happiest. Bart's also now has chewing tobacco in his mouth all of a sudden out of nowhere and spits it into a can. So all that to say, if you just help us help you, we'll help you to help us. Yeah, wise guys. Mud, you make a persuasion check. Bart, you make an intimidation check. Damn it.

19. Nice. Okay. Oh, yes. Something told me Bart would pass the intimidation. You always do. It's not. I don't even have that high of a modifier on my intimidation. You just kill it when it comes to intimidation rolls for whatever reason. 15. Not bad. Oh, not bad. What do you say, guys? Was he pretty good? Just for my own curiosity. Do any of you speak Draconic? Oh, son of a monkey. I don't believe I do. That would be under traits. I believe so.

Racial traits, hippo. Where's languages? Can you learn that spell? It's a language. No, but there's spells that are like to learn other languages. Features and traits, where is it? Proficiencies in languages, that's what it is. Draconic, no. I speak druidic. That's got a D. Oh, very similar. I do just common goblin and halfling. I speak giant for some reason. You're sure these aren't goblin snakes? Oh.

Oh, I- I- yes! Yes! I've raised Reed Draconic! Yes! You do? I do! Common Draconic and Elvish. Hell yeah. Okay. Okay, I'm- so now that we've said our piece, Kaiborg, you can relate everything we just said to them. No, no, no, no. It looks like they understand that when, uh, when you all are talking to them. So Kaiborg's gonna translate what they say. Uh, they turn and they have a discussion amongst each other in Draconic, assuming you don't understand.

Okay, I play dumb. I listen. Yeah, you do actually understand what they're saying. And he has good hearing too, doesn't he? Yeah. Pointy elf ears. Micah just sent me a message that said, what does that sound like? We can help. There we go.

Kaiborg, you can't hear everything exactly that they're saying to each other, but you have a pretty good idea. You can hear them mentioning an artifact.

Okay. That they are searching for. An artifact that they believe will please someone named M'ra. How do you spell that? M-R-A? Yeah. M'ra. M'ra. When did the Thundercats get involved? M'ra. M'ra. No, no, no. This is M'ra. After conversing amongst each other, they turn to you two who are addressing them and in common say, We only seek justice and the return of what is rightfully ours. Only seek justice. What is rightfully yours? Our homeland.

and the artifacts that were stolen from us. Uh-oh. Do we have a situation of original settlers versus people who took over a land situation happening here? I don't think we're equipped as podcasters to tackle this in the narrative. I'm going to say I didn't stab anyone. Can Mutt turn to the sheriff? Yeah. Sheriff, Gov, and Deputy Pat. Okay.

I feel like you have some explains to do, because this sounds like you should know what they're talking about. Well, I don't know exactly what they're talking about, but I have an idea, maybe. Us pirates have lived in this area for many, many generations, but I know that Chick recently found some artifacts. Maybe that's what they're talking about. Did you take the artifacts? Did you move the artifacts? Oh, no. Chick had them. She was storing them over at her shop at the give-and-take.

And then what happened? Well, she got kidnapped, so I don't know. Did their people take those artifacts, do you think? I don't know. It's possible she kept them hidden there. The give and take's been tossed over once and twice, but I haven't gone over and looked for a while. We should probably go check out the give and take. Yeah. Before we do that, I want to quietly pull Sheriff Gov to the side because I don't want to reveal my hand that I know Draconic because I think that's an advantage that they don't know that we have that. And I say, do you know anything about Mommy? Mom? My mom?

No, but perhaps if we find this person, we can get to the bottom of where all the pies are. Can I talk to the... What are the snake people called? Tabulians. Tabulians. Like a delicious side dish. It does. That is just a dish, isn't it? I love tabulians.

I love to booze. So good. So I understand if you're looking to get with Shores back to you. I'm curious, though, where that led to immediately kidnapping the entire town as much as possible. Was there any attempt at diplomacy or communication about what your needs are beforehand? Yeah, because you guys are looking real.

real like the bad guys right now. Well, from our perspective, you're looking like the bad guys. Bart takes out his dagger again, slowly. Slowly unsheathes it. Make a charisma check, Gum-Gum.

On who? Just for me. Okay. Just for Gus. Like, save, Christmas save? Check. He said check. Check. He said the word. Oh, man, it's a four. Okay. The Tabulians just keep giving you a weird look. Oh, what the fuck?

Yeah, and in fact, they'll say, is something wrong with your friend here? We don't have time to go over that. Please answer my question first. Okay, I'm sorry. I got distracted. What was your question? Gus got distracted. I can't remember your question. We'll record a side story going over all of that in detail later. Oh, did they try diplomacy? That was your question, right? Yeah. They'll say, that is not a decision for us to make. That is a decision for those in charge to make. Those in charge such as M'raaah.

No, don't say that. That's what I think in my own head. That's Bart's internal monologue. Okay, good. Legitimately, I was like, oh, don't say that. Don't give away that we can hear them. If we really want to go for the diplomacy thing, I could go in there and try to speak Draconic and stuff, but I feel like right now we have decent marching orders. We could just go to that shop and see if there's anything over there like that.

I also, I have my ring of truth telling as well. So if we want to ask them anything, I could use that. I get the feeling that they're, can we, let's have an aside. I want to have an aside with the party that they can't hear. You all step out. I assume you step outside the jailhouse conversation. That's,

Their secret talk aligns with what they were telling us. That's what I'm saying. I'd say that considering they thought we weren't hearing what they were saying and they are in fact looking for an artifact, it would probably benefit us to go and see if we can find ourselves while still leaving them in the jail cell for the moment. Yeah. Can I have a side with the taboos?

Yeah, you don't know any of that. You can speak with the Tabulians if you want. So let's do that. Let's go and see if we can investigate the... What was that store called? The Give and Take. The Give and Take. I also do want to maybe ask them more questions about these artifacts, though, and what they actually do. Or what they look like. Is it our best interest to find them and give it to them, or do we want to keep these out of their hands? That's what I'm saying.

I feel like at this point that if we can get information on what they at least are like, we can at least go look for them and decide later if we're going to give it to them or something like that. Yeah. Because we clearly have information on what is causing this conflict. We can still gather more information. So I say the three of us go check out the shop. We leave Gum Gum on ice with the Tabulians and Sheriff Gubb to watch them and then Gum Gum can have his side. And Deputy Pat. Yes. And Deputy Pat and Gum Gum can win them over. Uh...

Greed. Cool. All right. Well, I think we're going to split. So are you guys going straight there from here? Except for Gum-Gum? Yes. Let's just do that for the sake of time. Okay. Gum-Gum, your former party walks out the front door.

Listen, I promise I mean you no harm. My name is Gum Gum, and I am a mighty flower wizard and also ice wizard because now I don't want to hurt you. I just want to help. Now again, but in a Boston accent. I was going to say. Please. Make a persuasion check, Gum Gum. 24. Oh, that's a really good one. That is so convincing. Yeah, one of them gets close and says,

Okay, if you want to help, you kill the sheriff and we'll kill the deputy and then we can get their keys and get out of here. If we attack them both at the same time, you can kill the sheriff and the three of us can kill the deputy. Okay, now they roll a persuasion to see if they can get out. If we're going to take this road, let's take it all the way.

Are you rolling? Oh, no, no. No, no, no. You don't make rolls like that against player characters. Player characters do have agency over their decisions. We can do this without violence or any more violence. They do not want to hurt us, I don't think. The one that got stabbed by Bart says, that's true.

Okay. I think they were just playing mean because they were afraid. Playing mean. Okay. Look, I think I can win them over, but I have to win you over first. Okay. We will watch you win and then release us. This artifact that you're searching for, what does it look like? And who's our leader? One of the Tabulians that's in there with you.

I actually have their names here. You don't even know their names yet, Gakum. Yeah, what are your names? One of the Tabulians that's in the net with you says, I am Otak. I am our leader. Okay, Otak. What does this artifact look like? The description has been lost to time, but we will know it when we see it, for it is our inheritance. Oh, what does it do? We'll let you know when the time comes. Well, if I... I think this is a dead end. I don't think we're going to find out. Yeah.

It sounds like they're no budding and not yet standing. Gum gum. You're not here. Fair. What else can I do to help? Like we said, you get the sheriff to come over and you stab her. I don't want to stab anyone. I'm not a stabber.

Okay, I don't know, hit her in the head with a club or something. The specifics are totally up to you. Well, is there anything else besides violence? Anything besides violence? I don't know if you're going to get what you want to get out of this situation. We should probably move on. Well, you can prove your loyalty by helping to get the jail open so we can escape. Okay, I'll try. All right. This is cyclical. We should go to the give and take. No, I'm going to try and get it open. Okay. Okay.

You're still in the net, by the way. Okay, well, I will once this net is done. It's probably not a bad idea to gain their trust. Yeah, that's fine. I'm not trying to, like, shoot it down. Just I'm trying to operate within what they could conceivably do right now. Let's smash cut to the rest of the party.

Just want to say a quick thank you so much for listening to this podcast every week and supporting it. We really appreciate it and got to thank you guys really for for sticking with us. It's been a lot of fun doing all these episodes and we couldn't do it if it wasn't for all of you out there listening. So thank you so much. Don't forget, give us a follow on social media, Twitter and Instagram at Stinky Dragon Pod. Use hashtag Stinky Dragon Pod. And if you like, there's also a new subreddit. You can talk about the podcast.

StinkyDragonPodcast over on Reddit.com. At the time of this recording right now, there are 399 members in that community. Maybe you could be number 400. I want to give a special thanks to some of our friends who recently provided VO for some of the characters in the show. Sheriff Gov is voiced by Caden Jensen. Pat Earns is voiced by Ash Schmidt. And Dr. M is voiced by our own Micah Reisinger, who's the writer, editor, and composer for the show.

Meanwhile, the give and take. So if you don't remember, the give and take, like in Pious Pass. It was on the east side. Yeah, it's on the east. Good memory. Give yourself an inspiration, Doug. When you walk out the jailhouse and then immediately to the right on the east side is the give and take trade out post. If you remember, I believe you all were pogo sticking to and from on the top of it a long, long time ago.

There's a good chance I might actually remember the layout of Pius. Impressive. But I can't remember names. If I make a visual memory of something, I can do that. But I can't. Like the name of the snake you just said? It's already gone. It's a bullion. No, no, no. The dude. Otak. There it is. By the way, Otak named after someone on social media who interacted with us at Cateredville. Okay, yeah. Y'all walk up to the give and take. Who opens the door? The kitty. The kitty opens the door.

When you look inside, you see many shelves and tables have been ransacked and overturned. The whole place looks like people have gone through it. Okay. Could I cast Detect Magic?

Yes. Or rather use my wand of detect magic. Yes. You use your wand of detect magic. And yeah, you do detect some various types of faint magic coming from scattered around in the debris and seemingly a very strong presence of magic kind of in the center of the room. Okay.

What kind? Yeah, am I able to tell what kind? There you go. The various ones all around the room, it's all over different schools of magic, but the large one in the center of the room appears to be enchantment magic. Hey, guys, not to freak you out, I think there's some enchantment magic coming from the center of the room that I

detected with my wand. Does that mean it's like a trap of some sort? I think maybe the thing we're looking for, these artifacts or artifact, is somewhere in the center of the room. Maybe it's just hidden. Yeah, what's in the center of the room? Is there like just a pile? How many licks to get there? Roll a perception check, Mudd.

That's me. I'm mud. He is. That's a big old fat 27. 27. Nice. Oh, that's really good. He sees through time and space. Yeah, you notice that, you know, amongst or under all of this rubble, you see like little golden tassels sticking out. Oh, as a kitty, I love this. And, you know, they catch your attention. You look and you notice that they're attached to a yellow rug on the floor in the center of the room that's under a lot of this debris. Okay. Okay.

And it seems to be in pretty pristine shape considering how everything else is ransacked. Could those of us with normal hands clear the debris? Bart looks down at his hands and goes, are these normal? And holds them up to mud. Yes. You have opposable thumbs. All right. Bart goes in and starts clearing some of the debris. As does Kyborg. Yeah. You all start clearing it out. We only have one normal hand, Kyborg. Oh. Oh.

Wow. I mean, it's not an insult. The other one's pretty cool. Yeah, you all clear it out, and there's a pristine canary yellow rug with golden tassels on the floor in the middle of the store. It appears, like, totally unscathed, and Bart, you can tell this appears to be the source of the enchantment magic. So the rug is enchanted. Or is it underneath? Could I pick up the rug? Yeah, go ahead and make me a strength check. I mean, it's a rug. Well, it's an enchanted rug. Ringo? Yep.

I like to dream, yeah. It's magic carpet ride, but just a Steppenwolf. Not very good six. Yeah, you can't quite seem to lift the rug. It's stuck firmly in place. But we're going to talk about your protein intake later. K-Board, can you try to lift the rug?

I'm trying to think of a way to do this with... No, no, no, no. A magical way. Like, this is some sort of puzzle. It's got to be, right? I don't know. Try lifting the rug. Unless it was just my strength check, which is really that bad. Oh, okay. I lift it with... I lift it. I lift it. Yeah, go ahead and make a strength check. All right. All right.

What are you laughing about? I'm laughing at Blaine being like, there's just no way I could just move the rug. This rug is a puzzle. 13. Yeah, you know, you kind of scoff at Bart for not being able to lift the rug. You go over, you know, rub your hands together, grab it, try to lift it, and it doesn't seem to budge. Interesting. Magic! It's magic! It seems as though this rug is stuck to the ground. Maybe there's something underneath, like a secret passageway that it's covering. Ah.

Protecting. Okay. Much to my chagrin, I turn back into mud. Could I examine the rug if there's any markings or text or imagery or anything like that? Interesting. Is it Persian? What kind of rug? Yeah, go ahead and make a... Let's call that a perception check, Bart. 12. No, nothing really stands out to you. It seems to be a very plain rug. Nothing is out of the ordinary that you can tell other than the fact that it's in very pristine condition. It has gold tassels. Yeah, it's canary yellow with gold tassels.

Let's see what happens if I do this. I cast Dispel Magic, which if I cast it at the fourth level, which I'm willing to do right now, if it's a fourth level spell or lower, it automatically is dispelled. There is no check. That's a good spell, but how about checking out Dispel is what you say when... All right, guys, I'll see you later. So you're casting it at fourth level, you said? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, you cast Dispel Magic targeted on the rug and I mean, the rug is still there. Yeah, I guess the spell doesn't say if it shows any inclination of it. Well, then I cast Detect Magic. Okay, you cast Detect Magic and...

And there's still various small, like, little bits and pieces around the room in various piles of debris, but the rug does not appear to glow with magic. I pick it up. Yeah, make a strength check. I hope he rolls a one. You should just be like, you shouldn't tell them you cast Dispel Magic and just pretend like...

Oh, I haven't said anything. Yeah. Do we have to be worthy to lift up this rug or something? 20. Yeah. You're able to pick up the rug. No problem. Start rolling it up. I turn to them and say, you guys need to work out more. Kyborg spirals into self-doubt. Kyborg starts doing push-ups on the side of the room. Could we see what's underneath the rug? Yeah. You roll the rug up and under it you see a trap door leading below.

Can I put the rug in my inventory?

It's pretty big. You would let Gum Gum do it. Could you use it as a shawl? Like, if you think about it, like, I mean, roughly, I'd say it's like a 10 by 8 rug or something. You know, it's big. Oh, we have that big pouch thing. Oh, yeah. I have my bag of holding. Well, there you go. I'd like to bestow a rug upon my friend Bart. Bart holds open his pouch. Yeah. Toss it in. Yeah, you're able to fit the entire rug in a bag of holding. The keyboard makes a nom, nom, nom, nom sound as he eats it. Wow.

It's like when you're holding a poster tube for someone and they're rolling their poster into the tube and it's teamwork. I was thinking like when you get a burrito and you feed it to your friend and they're like...

You feed burritos to your friends? Well, don't nom nom nom sound. You haven't fed me a burrito ever. Yeah, I guess we're not friends. Let's go get burritos after this. Ben says that the burrito thing is something we need to test on TikTok. Yeah, feeding your friend a burrito. Yeah, I'd love to test that. Oh, no. Free burritos. Oh, no. I'm getting a burrito in my mouth. What I'd like to do now is check for trap. Yeah, let's call that an investigation check.

That's a 15. Not bad. Nice. Yeah. You don't really detect anything. You don't find anything out of the ordinary around the trapdoor. Right. Does one of you want to have another attempt at lifting something up? Me. Suck it, Kyborg. Bart goes to lift the trapdoor. Yeah. You open it up. It's not locked or anything. And it swings up in your direction and you see a wooden ladder leading down into a dark cellar below. At what point should we actually go back and get Gum-Gum? Yeah.

He's making friends. We're going to smash cut back to him here in a little bit. Okay. How about the strapping lad with dark vision goes first? Okay. You got it. In this episode, Bart just wants to be better than Kaibar. I'm loving it. Do you have dark vision? No. No, not at all. I'm here for it. But if you go in confident. Yeah, Bart goes in and just starts clicking. I like your choice of words, Bart.

We got that poll. Okay. And you lost. Listen, they don't know context. Just because people on the internet disagree with me doesn't mean I'm wrong. Also, it's neither clicking nor screeching. You guys are both wrong. Anyways. What is it? You said clicking right now. Yeah, that's because, well, bats don't click or screech. It's like an in-between. Actually, guys, I can win you over a little bit.

The reason why I really think of screeching is for two reasons. One, Zubats from Pokemon. Obviously. They screech. Okay. But also, every time there's been a giant bat, which is why I pulled up Batman the Animated Adventure, every time there's a giant bat in cartoons or movies, they don't click. They screech. Again, you're talking about Pokemon and...

animated films. Like, even in movies, birds all make like a hawk. Eagles make a hawk sound because it's cooler, right? Like, they fully a red-tailed hawk sound. So it doesn't mean that it's right. John, because you use Batman animated series in Pokemon, I'm switching to Team Screech. It's so funny because just the other day you were arguing about

x-men versus the movies like comics versus the movies bats produce clicks by many different mechanisms including using their voice box generating sounds through their nostrils or clicking their tongue do you have that sounds can be recorded with bat detectors that change the sounds to frequencies that humans can hear do you so what you hear is the bat detector translating the clicks

to a frequency's weak in here. Do you perhaps have any information on giant bats that can pull an entire airship? What sound they make? No, but we're talking about bats. That's what the poll says. The poll did not say giant bats at D&D anyway. My turn's to go giant bat and screeches.

Ben, just quote me. I want to give Chris enough time for his scene proceeds to argue about bats for 20 minutes. Okay, anyway, anyway, anyway, anyway, okay. Kyborg goes down. He leads the way. Bow drawn. This is the way. You're going to draw a bow and go down a ladder? That's impressive. Well, oh, I guess I imagined a different kind of ladder then. Never mind. What kind of ladder? I mean, there's some ladders where they kind of like go down like...

Like steps. Diagonal? Stairs. Well there's ladders up there. Diagonal ladder. Diagonal ladder. Blaine technically goes up ladder every night he goes to bed. I know what he's thinking of though. He's got those ladders that you can kind of fold out that become like kind of stairs but those are stairs. They're stairs. Yeah. My attic ladder's like that. Attic stairs. They're basically foldable stairs. Okay.

*laughter* Okay, uh, Kyborg goes down the stairs, I get the- I like that right now, we have Kyborg yelling "I go down to the basement!" and then we have Mudd turning into a bat and just screeching Bart, do you wanna yell something? Bart just goes downstairs going

And then from the jailhouse, they just hear a bunch of people yelling. Three people. Oh, this is too much fun. I really do want to get an edit in this where we cut back to Gum Gum talking and all of a sudden you just hear our screams in the background. Yeah.

Micah's shaking his head. Alright, so you all bravely go down into the dark room below. First, Kyborg down the ladder, then Mud as a bat screaming. No, I'm not. I don't want to waste your time. Do you go down though? Yeah, I'll go down. Okay, and Bart, do you go down screaming? I sure do. Okay.

So all three of you enter the cellar. The cellar is pitch black, so Kyborg has dark vision. Mud, do you? No, I do not. Okay, so Mud and Bart can't see very well because it's pitch black, but Kyborg, you're able to look around, and you can see that there's like a splintered wooden floor. The room's about 30 by 30 feet with a 15-foot ceiling, and there's really only two things down here in the cellar that you can see. There's a ceramic bowl and a large 10 by 10 chest.

Where in the room? The chest is in the center of the room. Actually, they're both in the center of the room. The chest and the bowl. Bowls on the floor? Yeah. And a chest? Yes. Hey, Magic Buddies, check this out. I

I used Prestidigitation to make a small fire. Small campfire. Okay, so now everyone can see. While you all think about that, I do want to do a quick cut back to GumGum and his friend Otak and others. Meanwhile, at the prison jailhouse... Otak, I've been concentrating my flower magic. That is just translation for Chris has been Googling flowers. No, no. I can see him looking at his computer very intently. Stop.

I can release this from this net. We can always tell when he's looking at flowers. He never focuses on his laptop as much. Unless he's looking at flowers.

I know of an Egyptian water lily that... Alright, go on. But you must promise me that there will be no violence. Are you talking to us? No, he's talking to Otak and the other Tabulians. His leader, he's about to let them free. We can't guarantee that. We'll do our best, but

You know, Sheriff and the deputy over there might attack us. Okay. We'll be forced to defend ourselves. Yes, but if you promise that you will not strike first. Yeah. I have your word. Oh my God.

If you guys could see Gus's thought process as he figured out how to answer that. Do you have any, like, thing that you could make someone tell the truth or tell of their life? You could make an insight check. Can I do that? Yeah. You should have left the ring of truth with Gum-Gum. That's nine. Yeah, you trust Otak and friends. Gum-Gum's going to cause a jailbreak. Okay. Let me summon my flower magic. And then I concentrate, and then I use my immovable rod to teleport out of the net. Okay, so you blink out of existence. What's the...

What's the flower magic for? I just, that's just how GumGum phrases it. Yeah. Where do you reappear? Outside of the net so that I can pull it off. Okay, but you're still in where the net is. Yeah. Okay, yeah. So you blink out and you start pulling the net off of them. Yeah. Okay, yeah. The sheriff and the deputy look at you and ask, What are you doing? I have to help my friends. There's no need for this conflict between the two of us. We must find peace. But

But we're not doing anything to them right now. I know, but you've left us trapped in the net. The first sign of friendship is not being trapped. Okay, okay. You can take the net off.

but they must stay back there in the jail cell. - Wrong. The first sign of friendship from Gum-Gum is trapping someone in handcuffs. - Friendship bracelet. - That is completely against your dogma. - Okay. And then I like pull the net off. - Okay. Yeah. You let them free. - And no, and this is how I make friends jump. First, I get trapped together with someone.

And once we've spent enough time trapped together... Then the Stockholm Syndrome sets in. That's exactly what he's describing. So, the net is but one big friendship bracelet for a group. And then my furniture talks to me and serves dinner. Yeah, Otak says, Thank you, Gum-Gum. You've proven yourself a friend to us. Thank you. Now, now kill the sheriff. I cannot. Will you promise me no violence? You promised we wouldn't commit violence, but you can. I know I cannot. Yeah, I'm a pa- I don't like violence.

You just failed to say pacifist. Yeah, I know. I don't think Gum Gum knows that word. Yeah, Gum Gum. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not Chris. I knew the word. Okay, are you hungry? I think I can get food and water. Sure, yes. Mrs. Sheriff. Mrs. Sheriff. May we request water and food? Sure. We'll get some here in just a bit once your friends get back. My friends are right here.

Once everyone comes back from the give and take, they're bringing food and water. You put us in a jail and do not provide water? Well, we had food and water, but the taboo-lion stole it all. Is this true, guys? Otak says, well, you know, it wasn't us here, but, you know, maybe some of our other people did. Why did you take their food and water? Because we needed food and water. Okay, that's fair.

There wasn't anyone here. All right, guys, what should we do now? Well, you're not listening to what we want you to do. I don't know why you keep asking me. We're very clear with what we want you to do. Hey, Sheriff. Can I stab you? Is it okay to sign a friendship that I hit you? The Sheriff steps back from the bars a little bit and says, No. Okay. All right, let's go ahead and cut back. Wait, can I end that? Wait, what's that yelling noise?

I think my friends are in danger. No, you're in here with your friends.

I think my new enemies are in danger. Go help them. All right, let's smash cut back to the cellar. Like I said, you guys are in here. You see ceramic bowl and a large chest. Are they like right next to each other? What's the... Yeah, they're pretty close to each other. One thing that is weird is each side of the large chest seems to be chained to an iron anchor in each corner of the room.

So, like, long chains across that 30 by 30 room? Yeah, to each corner. Each corner. Yeah. The chains are taut, but the chest is chained down to each corner. So, it's like we could just take it out of the room. Correct. I've played enough Dark Souls to know what this is. I've never played Dark Souls, though. I don't know. And the bowl is not chained down at all? No.

Could I go pick up the bowl and see if I can pick it up? Yeah. You walk closer to the bowl, and as you get closer, you see that the bowl is full of water. Okay. Make me a perception check. Gosh, man. It's nine. Nine. Okay. I'm rolling so bad. Not a good day for a little party boy. No. No, you got a good intimidation. You're good. You know, you go over in the ceramic bowl. Like I said, you notice it's full of water. Can I intimidate the bowl instead? Yeah.

Uh, yeah, you, uh, yeah, you pick it up and it's, uh, it's kind of sloshed around. Is it water that like, is there like a leak in the ceiling or is it just clearly filled with water from somewhere else? Make a perception check. Man, 14, not too bad, but. You don't see any like dripping from the ceiling or anything. Plus also you were just upstairs. Yeah. So you didn't really notice anything like a puddle of water while you were up there. Okay. Okay.

Could I try something? Yeah. I'm just having fun with all my spells. All my spells? All my spells. Oh dear. I'm going to use, um, Euviginaia Doubtfire. Um, no, I'm gonna use, uh... Help is on the way. Help is on the way, dear! Uh, locate object. Now, I'm gonna kind of go off of the looseness of some of this description of the spell in that the spell can...

if I describe or name an object that is familiar to me, then I can sense the direction of the object's location. And I'm wondering if you're going to allow that describing this artifact of Umrah to find it. Because, I mean, I don't know what level of familiarity has to be required for this spell to... Yeah. So, you know, it's like either describe or name it. I'm describing the

the taboolean artifact of Umrah. The next paragraph says... That's when you want to get more specific. The spell can locate a specific object known to you as long as you've seen it up close within 30 feet. Right, right, right. The first paragraph, though, is just talking about direction, not specific location. Don't read the rest of this stuff. No, no, no. I'm saying that's what it is. That, like...

The first paragraph I read as it goes for just direction of the object within a thousand feet of me. Sure. If I know it, then I can get within 30 feet of where it is. Yeah. Let's get sand this. Why not? Okay. So you cast locate object and what are you trying to locate? Tabulian artifact? Is that what you say? Yeah. Of M'ra. Yeah. You cast it and it seems to you like the artifact is in the giant chest. Okay. Okay.

So what are the chains connected to really quick? The large chest. On the other end. Oh, there's like iron spikes dug into the floor. Like little anchors in the ground in each corner. Can I remove one of the anchors? Yeah, why not? You go over and you take a look at one. And how would you try to do it? Like we're going to try to like bash it. Sorting the stone. Sorting the stone, like pull it out? Sure. Yeah, make a strength check. Have y'all tried opening it?

The chest? No. Pen. Pen. No, it seems like it's really securely planted in the ground. And it's like dirt ground? What kind of ground? Concrete ground? It's like stone. Okay. I was going to think we loosened the spikes up with the water in the bowl, but it's stupid. Is the water just water? Make a perception check. I want to also perceive the water as just water. Make a perception check.

17. 25. Nice. As Bart is holding the bowl there, you know, it seems like Bart's focused on looking at the water. He doesn't notice that on the side of the bowl itself, there's something written, and it says spot. Spot. In common? Common, yeah. What about draconic? Spot. I start humming a song. Ba-ba-da-da.

Could Bart put his finger on where it says spot? Yeah, you touch it and it's just a, nothing seems to happen. It's a cool ceramic bowl. You feel like the coolness of the water radiating through it. Could I see if there's any other words written like anywhere near the chest or anywhere else on the bowl? Yeah, make a perception check.

Eleven. No, you don't notice anything else like that. So Bart's holding this ceramic pot. Bowl. Bowl, sorry. Ceramic bowl of water. At some point, the gods of this land are going to stop giving us puzzles. Because I don't think we ever successfully do them. Should we just try opening the chest? That would be crazy. That's crazy. Chris is so mad. I'm going to try to...

I-I want to perceive if there's any traps on the chest first. Well, you want to investigate? Yeah. Investigate. Yeah? Yes, investigate. Okay.

16. 16. Okay. So you go up to the chest and you start looking for traps, trying to make sure with all of the traps that you've come across in the past. And there's like a kind of a viscous clear liquid on the front of the chest. Okay. There's a viscous clear liquid on the front of the chest. On the front? Yeah. Like where the lock is. Okay. Do we pour the water on that? Do it. Do you want to give it a go? Well, I imagine the viscous clear liquid...

is the same stuff that's in the bowl. Is it the same stuff? I don't think of water. It's like thicker than the water. Like I think of like viscous being like a thicker almost. Like a jelly almost? Not quite that thick, but yeah, more on that side. Maybe not even quite that thick. Then describe the viscosity of this liquid. Eight.

In between water and syrup. Can we pour the water on the viscous stuff? I mean, that's up to Bart, the bowl bearer. Y'all tell me. So we can't open it because the stuff is coating it so much? Oh, no. He just made an investigation check. Could I try opening the chest? Yeah. I assume you put the bowl down. I put the bowl down. And you go to open the chest, and you get a little bit of that viscous clear liquid on your hand. Which is how viscous is it? Eight. I told you already. Eight.

You go to open the chest and the chest opens up like a mouth filled with teeth and a long purple tongue. It is a mimic! A laugh is out at you. Make a dexterity save. I also quickly try to close the chest. You have to roll. You have to dodge and roll, Bart. I've seen this. Dodge and roll.

No, you're able to quickly enough dodge out of the way. I have a plus seven to my dexterity. I've been rolling sub eight every single roll. And the chest is still there, but it looks like it has eyes and teeth and a tongue. Ew. So is that liquid drool? Probably. Ew.

You didn't want to say how viscous it was because the description would be like... I keep telling you. It's drool. So that's why it's chained. Wait, wait. The mimic's name is Spot. I say Spot, Spot. Holy crap. Let's put his water bowl in front of it and open it back up. It turns and looks at Kyborg. It's drooling a little bit. Hello, Spot. Hello. Yeah, it's just looking at you with its eyes. It's a mimic. Okay. All right.

I want to... Let's give it the bowl. It's water bowl. Yeah, we'll put the bowl down right in front of the chest. You put the bowl down and it very sloppily starts drinking water. Somewhere the tabooleans and Gum-Gum are jealous of it. I have rations. Oh, yeah, sure. Can I give it some rations? Yeah.

Uh, what do you want to do? Just like put some rations down in front of it? I lead with my metal arm and I try to hand feed it and I say, here you go, spot. Oh, okay. Yeah. It like smells them very gingerly and then, you know, starts eating them very quickly. Can I use my mage hand to pet it? Yeah. I'm too afraid to get too close. Yeah. Use your mage hand and it like looks around because it can't see or I guess it doesn't expect the mage hand. And I just go, good job.

It rolls over, exposing the underside of the chest. It's wood? Yeah. Like I said, the chains aren't taut, so it has a little bit of a... It's moving around. It's a barrel roll. A literal barrel roll. That's a good one. Very limited movement.

But yes. Is there any sign of it being on anything? Was there, like, anything underneath it? Or was it just, like... Make a perception check. Oh, good lord, man. You never just get an answer. You gotta do check. No, you don't notice anything under it. So, I think Spot has the artifact inside of it if my spell was working correctly. Yeah. So, how do we get it out of it? We have to...

I mean, I don't want to hurt Spot. Spot's a good chest mimic thing. Should we let it go? I don't think that's an idea I want to go with right now. It's been trapped down here all along. It hasn't had nobody feed it or nothing. It ate all the rations out of my food very gently. I'd like to say there's no bad ideas, but you found a bad idea. Could maybe I use my mage hand to reach in to...

Yeah, you can try it. Is that what you want to do? Yeah, the mage hand reaches into the chest. Yeah, you use your... He eats your mage hand. Your mage hand to reach inside the chest, and your mage hand pulls out a smaller chest. Okay. Does it have teeth? Is it viscous? Is it what level of viscosity is it covered in? It is covered in drool. Okay. And then I use my mage hand to bring it closer to me. Okay, yeah. You've got a small chest in front of you. I want to open it.

You open it up and there's two items inside of it. There's a little metal gopher. Another chest. There's a metal gopher and seems like a potion of some kind. Like a metal statue of a gopher? Yeah. What kind of potion? Oh, wait, you can read Draconic, right? In Draconic on it, it says decoction. Decoction? Yeah. What the hell is that? D-E-C-O-C-T-I-O-N. Like concoction, but decoction.

concoct something is to, like, put something together and create. I don't know if that's the origin. I just said that, too. Oh, okay. So...

I think we have what we're looking for, and we could probably head back. These are probably going to be significant. We can use them against the T'Bolians. We can at least show them to them and see, like, if they're of interest. Do everyone make me a wisdom check? Or not everyone, not Gum-Gum. Kyborg, Mud, and Bark. Gum-Gum, you go ahead and make a wisdom check. Let's just check on your wisdom. Just for fun. One. 16. Thank you. 19. Nice. 21. Ooh.

You know, as you're pulling the stuff out of the chest, all of you remember that you've seen this metal gopher before. Where? I remember it, but I'm not sure. Yeah. You all remember seeing Gum Gum use it when you all were shopping here at the Give and Take when you first initially came to Pius Pass. Oh, it's... It was an item that was for sale. Yeah, it's the gopher. Like, you tell it what to go get, and then it brings it back to you. That is correct. Okay. Should we go tell it to find the artifacts and bring it back to us?

Yeah. Oh. Well, no. See, here's what's confusing to me is I used my locate object spell and it pointed in this direction. Maybe the decoction is the artifact. Is there anything else in spot? Could I use my mage hand again to reach into spot? Yeah. You use your mage hand and reach into spot and you pull out another chest. Oh. What's it behind? Door number two. Bart brings it closer and then opens it up or attempts to open it up at least.

at least you open it up and there are two items inside of it there is a uh a pogo stick and a little hand crossbow pogo stick and a hand crossbow okay can i take those guys actually no i don't need the crossbow because i got my mom's bow but can i take the pogo stick please

Bart hands the pogo stick to Kyborg. Kyborg, you are familiar with this pogo stick. You've seen this item before. I'm attuned to it, yes. You actually also recognize this crossbow. You saw this before. This was also an item that was previously for sale in the shop when you all were here last.

So I think Spot is, like, the safekeeper, like, basically the inventory for the give and take. So I bet if we reach in there, we're gonna continue to find more things that we found or things that were for sale at the give and take. I guess keep going, Bart. Okay, uh, Bart uses his mage hand a third time to reach back into Spot.

but also on the way and gives a little scritch just to make sure you're still friendly. - Yeah, Spot appreciates that. And yeah, you reach in and you pull out yet another chest. - Brings it back and tries to open it up. - Yeah, you open it up. Inside you see a shawl and a bag of coffee. - Okay. - Wow.

It's Christmas. Could I tell if there's anything, like, different about this shawl or if it's, like, has any effect on us? Or do we recognize it? Yeah, you remember this shawl was an item that was previously for sale in the shop as well. It was a shawl that supposedly helped grant you safe escape and would allow you to adopt the likeness of someone nearby. All right, Bart puts that in his pack. Yeah.

I guess keep going. I don't feel like we've gotten to the coffee. Sure. Oh yeah. Bart tosses the bag of coffee to Mike. I just down it. Oh, you're down the entire bag. I mean, coffee grounds, that's just good dirt. Okay. No, I don't. I don't, but I do take a little munch. Okay. You feel fast. Yeah. Coffee grounds are just happy dirt. That's all it is. Happy dirt. I like that. We

We should make a stinky dragon coffee in the Rooster Teeth store. Happy dirt. I'm making a note of that. The best part of waking up is happy dirt in your cup.

So is there anything else in spot? One more time. Seriously, how fun. Is it chests all the way down? You reach in again? Yeah. You reach into spot again, but your mage hand comes out empty handed. Oh, okay. No pun intended. I think we've ended the amount of stuff that's in spot. No more freebies. Do we want to check if you can like detect...

that item thing. Is that a spell that you can do again or is it still in effect? Uh, yeah, it's only a second level spell. I'll do it again. And then maybe like we line these up and then you can see where you think it is. Oh yeah. That's smart. Yeah. Put them around the room and I'll be like in the middle of the room. Okay. I move them to the, all the, the areas around with, with Bart. Yeah. Me, me and Kyborg display all the items and start singing. Yeah.

Which one is the magical item you're looking for? Pick one. The carpenter's cup. Indiana Jones. Last crusade. You cast it again and your senses point you to the decoction. This is the first one. The potion is of importance. The one written with the label in. Yeah, which I totally remember that.

What kind of artifact is this that they would, that it's a liquid? That's such a weird artifact. I mean, maybe they're looking for a bunch of stuff and that's just one of the things. Possibly. Let's, uh, I think we want to gather it up and return back to the jailhouse. Yeah, let's gather up and then I'll be the last to exit because I want to do something with Spot. Okay. Okay.

A quick perception check maybe to see if there's anything else in this room that we could take or that's of importance. Yeah, make a perception check part. You can knock it out. Here we go. I'm so perceptive. 19. Don't notice anything else. The room seems pretty bare aside from Spot and his water pool. Okay.

Alright, roll out team. Okay, so I want to be the last one to exit. Up the stair ladders? Yes. I want to continue to look down and then can I take aim with the longbow of crystallina at the four different chains to release spot? Sure. From a safe distance. Actually, could I hang back with Kyberg really quick and add to this? Yeah, good. It's up to you. You guys are driving. I'm just having so much fun using spells I never get to use. And so I have a first level spell. I want to use beast bond.

It says I can create a telepathic link with any beast that's friendly with me. And I think we've established that Spot's pretty friendly with us right now. Yeah. So from a meta game perspective, a beast is a type of creature. Oh, is the mimic not a beast? Correct. It's a monster. Correct. You would know that as a druid that this is not classified as a beast. Darn, I was trying to make a friend. All right, I leave. I let Kyborg have his moment. Okay.

I just shoot all four of the chains. Yeah, make four attack rolls just for fun. It was at that point, Spot went on a massacre across the lands, eating all the children. 29. 25.

15. Two 15s, a 29, and a 25. Yeah, all four hit. You're able to strike true and snap out off the chains from each of the four corners that are holding spots. And then he just walks up the stairs? Yeah, what are you doing, Kyborg? Are you just leaving? The ladder. Oh, I was already up at the... I was already up at the...

At the top of the ladder, I was shooting down. So now he's free. And now you just close the trap door? No. There's exits in there, right? There's other exits. I saw exits, right? No, it was just the ladder. Okay. Then I leave the ladder and the trap door open for Spot to run out. Okay. And I say, hey, let's go back to the jail. Let's go, go, go, go, go. Okay. All right. I don't think he can get out. You could pull him up by the chains. You could take a mimic to a ladder, but you can't make him climb. I mean, it's like the old thing. I mean, now at least he could run around the room. Yeah.

Should we try to help him to get out a little bit more? You tell me. This is you. I mean, maybe he's down there for a reason. Yeah, there might be a reason. I don't know. Well, I felt bad just leaving him chained up. He's got water. We're probably going to release the pies. Let's just let him be for now, I guess. I don't know. We left the chests for him to eat. I threw down some spare rations. I did my part.

Alright, I'm good. Okay. We can head back to the jail. Yeah, we go up the ladder. What's Gum Gum been up to? In this time, I have... He's just covered in tattoos. I have... I have summoned... I have several Titan Arum flowers. What? You have to describe those for us. Okay, I'll just show you a picture. So you have to describe them. Okay, alright. It's the largest flower in the world. Oh, it's that one you tried to make in my pocket. Yeah. It's a big, big flower. It's like... It's got a...

Imagine a big bulb at the top. It's probably like five feet. Why do you have these? Just, you know, decorating. Oh. It can grow to be three feet across and up to 15 pounds. Those are big, big flowers. So I just made some big flowers in the jail cell. And I've also remembered that I have rations and I've taken it out and I'm feeding and eating with my friends. Which are what race? Tabulis. There you go. Okay. Is that because you forgot, John? No, I'm wondering, one, did he remember? And two, did you ever learn the names of the other two or it's just you and Otak? They never gave it to me.

Here we go, attack. Oh, speaking of names, I do want to mention Spot is named after someone who interacted with us on social media at MarksYourSpot. Oh, nice. You mean Marcus. MarksYourSpot. No. It's a joke between me and Mark. Oh, okay. MarkYourSpot is in my Twitch channel all the time, but I am notorious for just mispronouncing, and I have called them Marcus for forever. Gotcha. Okay, I was very confused. Okay, so yeah, you all walk back into the jailhouse, and there's giant flowers. Wow.

And Gum-Gum and the Traboulians are out of the net. Still locked in the jail. And are they eating my food that I brought? Yeah, sure, why not? So you guys walk back in, that's what you see. Who is holding the decoction? Is it you, Bart? I guess I would still have it, yeah. Because I don't think I gave that one to anybody. This is your play, then. Gum-Gum, how you doing? I'm doing good. I'm happy we've made a life of this new home.

So, uh, what do you think of these guys here? You trust them? I do. I trust them with my life. Life in the clink has been hard. I trust you with my life, Gum-Gum. So I'm going to trust you here now, buddy. Okay. Uh, is this what you're looking for? And he holds up, uh, the pogo stick. Uh, the tabooians look at you and then look at each other. Uh.

And they look at you again and they say, no. What about this? And he brings his hands in front of him and he's making like a loop with his fingers, like a magic trick. Oh,

A little chain link of fingers. They hiss at your hand and your arm. And then... Maybe that's like the middle finger to them. It's a highly offensive gesture. Yeah, that's you using things they don't have. You're like, I got fingers. Fingers. And then Bart does like a little like sleight of hand thing. And then the potion of decoction appears in his hand. Yeah, all three of them become very excited and say, yes, that's it. He's gum gum getting excited. Yes, I look at them and see them and be like, yes, that is it.

Please give us the artifact. That's what we were looking for. First tell me what it does. And then Bart downs the entire potion. Gosh. As a power play. Ooh, I have an idea, guys. Once we resolve this, I have an idea. I just want to find out what it does first. Yeah. They say that is our inheritance. That belongs to us. We have been searching for that for many years. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, I know, I know. But what does it do?

Well, the specifics have been lost to time. All we know is that we're trying to recover it and store it amongst our other artifacts. Quick question to the DM. What level of viscosity is the liquid inside? Oh, this is like a four. Golly. Can I try and say, how about we broker a deal where we let you guys out, we all together go to the...

Tabulian headquarters to meet your leader, and then we bring this with you guys and we can negotiate a trade. We give you this in exchange for all of the pies. I mean, we do need a guide for the Flats of Tabul, so maybe one of you could be that person. Also, guys, do y'all know where the, what is the thing we're looking for? Diagems. Do you guys know where the diagem is or where one might be? They look at each other confused and look at you and say, we don't know what that is. Okay, never mind. But yeah, they do begin talking amongst each other in Draconic.

I listen in subtly. They're discussing your offer, whether or not this will please M'ra or make him mad, and what the best strategy is. And they agree that this is probably the best offer that they're going to get. And in English, again, Otak addresses you and says, we agree to your deal. Excellent. Good, good, good, good. Let's shake on it. Bart reaches his hand through one of the bars. Yes.

One of the other ones asks, Do you continually mock our lack of limbs? I mean, you could just kind of touch your skin to my skin. I think that'll be good enough. This is an unspeakable insult to the Tabulians. How do you sign a deal? Yeah. We put our money where it is, so we do this.

And you see two of them open their mouths and touch their tongues together. All right. Well, I want to be sensitive to your culture. So Bart opens his mouth. It opens its mouth and sticks its snake-like tongue out and it tickles your tongue.

Just so the listeners know, Barb is doing that also, just sitting in her chair, just opening her mouth. We have a spit bond. Take a picture. It'll last longer. The pact is sealed. The pact is sealed.

And then I say, before we let you out, hold on one moment. I pull Bart and I pull Mud over and I talk over my shoulder and I say, one of us is going to be holding the concoction. We're not going to tell you who it is. And then Bart, do you want to like, I just want to make sure that they don't steal from Bart. I'll put it in my bag of folding. Yeah.

That's a great idea. Yeah. Okay. That's good. Bart slides into his back holding it and say, we'll give it to you once we get what we need from you. Deal? Deal. Bart sticks out his tongue again. Bart found a custom Bart likes. Deal. And yeah, they touch tongues with you. Okay. Sheriff, let them out. We can be on our way to the flats of Tabool. Or wherever they're going to take us. One second.

Gus is giggling. I have a feeling we either went around something really fast or did something we really weren't supposed to. We're getting a lot of shrugs. There's a really funny suggestion here that Micah just said. Yeah, they agreed to the accord and the sheriff opens the jailhouse and lets Gum-Gum and the Tabulians out.

I bow. Everyone make a perception check. I bow. 18. 10. 20. Minus one. 19. 17. Kyborg, Gum Gum, and Mud, you hear a weird thumping sound. Is it Spot? It's Spot. The door for the jailhouse breaks open and Spot comes barreling into the jailhouse.

Buddy! Knocks Bart on his butt and begins licking Bart's face. Bart instinctively opens his mouth. The bag of holding drops to the floor. Oh, no! The artifact, the decoction, falls out of the bag and rolls around on the floor. And you hear the Tabulians arguing amongst each other. You drink it. No, you drink it. You drink it. I snatch it up.

And do what? You'll just hold on to it? Yeah, yeah. I want to stow it away. I have a feeling they want one of us to drink it. No, they want to drink it. I think that they know that what it does, it makes them powerful or something. Make a post dexterity check with them. See who can grab it first. Saving throw or check? Check. 18. 18. Their dex is... Ooh, minus one. So you're probably going to win, but I got to roll anyway. Three. Yeah, you grab it first. Do it, Kyborg. The Tabulian says, that'll help us guide you. Okay.

I want to perceive that they're lying to me, but I highly doubt that. Insight? Insight. He has one word. Whatever. One word. Fifteen. Yeah, I mean, you'd think that he's telling the truth. No, this is our leverage over there. And if I chug it, then we have no means to change for the pies. Are they saying they want us to drink it?

to drink it? They want to drink it. No, they want to drink it. Oh. That's why I think Kyborg should. I'm here for a good time, not a long time. We must. No. We must follow the deal. Right. So then that being said, we're taking this. You do not get this until the pies are free. But this will speed up the process and we can delete you more quickly. Bro, you know how to get home. You flew in here to attack the town. We know how to. We're not saying we can't.

We're just saying this will speed up the process. I grab it and drink it. If I do that, then what do you... I grab it and drink it. Make a sleight of hand check. Why don't we let one of them drink it? I just want to see what happens. That's a 20. Oh my God. What do I roll to impose this? You also make a sleight of hand check.

19. Yeah, Mud is able to snatch it in time. Oh, by one point. Opens up the decoction and downs it. And Mud, you immediately become engulfed in flame.

Yeah, flame on. Why are you excited? You're going to die. Yeah, but not in a good way, like painful flame. Oh, wow. I grabbed the carpet from that bag. Stop dropping rolls. Let's see what happens. You begin yelling in pain as a fire engulfs your body. Did he drink the whole thing? Yeah, it's not very much liquid in there. Oh, my God.

To find out what happens, you're gonna have to tune in to the next episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon. We were doing so well. Were we? We were. We had a plan. Bart was tonguing a chest. I had to make out with a bunch of snake people. We had a deal. And a chest. No one forced you into that, by the way. You broke the deal. Gum Gum is part of a gang now. I mean, we're just all, you know, flying off the seat of our pants. Oh, I love it. It's great. It was a really fun episode. Yeah. Yeah. Stinky. All right.

Thanks for listening, everybody. Bye-bye.