C01 - Ep. 57 - Armageddon - May the Source Be With You
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This podcast is supported by FX's English Teacher, a new comedy from executive producers of What We Do in the Shadows and Baskets. English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job, while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

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Good day to all you Emerald Dragons. Soar on into the stinky dragon. Sip on our latest libation, the Lizard of Oz. It's a mixture of Ember Midori, Volcanic Vodka, Illusionary Lemon and Lime Juice, Psionic Soda, garnished with an invisible lemon wheel. One sip of this Draconic Dram, you'll be clicking your heels all the way home. Previously, our adventurers were exiting Kyborg's memories, but...

not before a last-minute recollection of how he got his arm. Next, they redecorated their rooms at Infinite HQ and were gifted new gadgetry from Dr. Ahem. Finally, they flew their way out of Boulderay toward the Flats of Tabool. They made a pit stop at present day Everwinter and uncovered a mysterious monolith. Claw cold one, let's resume our noxious narrative.

The Blood Moon casts a veil of red across the gnoll, including the massive monolith. The standing stone pulses before you with two small cavities. Qyborg places his hands inside. Thump thump. Thump thump. The monolith vibrates and pulses faster and faster. Thump thump. Thump thump. The stone melts away into liquid form and expands into a sheet of red, climbing higher and wider, and then it washes over all of you like a flood of blood.

An unfamiliar voice fills your head. Doubt is not your enemy, nor certitude your friend. Search your hearts in every way, but do not play pretend. To find the ruby-colored tear, burn not one bridge you see, but be warned, not every path will be your cup of tea.

Okay, John's been staring at me. It is so clear he does not remember what happened last episode. No, no, no, no, no. I remember this. That was my concentration phase of trying to listen to the poem. That's his game phase. Also, yeah, I feel like it's someone writing down the details of this poem because I feel like there's something about a bridge being burned and other paths.

That would have been really good to write down, right? Wouldn't it? Do you want to repeat that one more time? My audio went out for a second. Don't worry, guys. I was writing it all down. Do you know what that made? What that reminded me of? It might not be a moment a lot of people remember, but in AI, it's when Robin Williams is playing that... The movie AI? Yeah.

Okay, go on. It's the moment where they're in that Mr. Know-It-All thing. Robin Williams is doing the voice of that Albert Einstein-like hologram, and they're trying to figure out an answer, and they finally trigger him saying a poem. And so Robin Williams then goes out of this comedic voice and goes to a very somber, serious voice and recites a poem like that. It made me cry. It made me sad to remember that. Robin Williams was an AI? He was a voice where they finally went to talk about Wizard of Oz. They went to what the Emerald City was essentially in that movie, and then they went to this...

vending machine kind of thing which was a hologram oh yeah yeah yeah to ask questions and they only had enough credits for like three questions I forgot about that I thought you were talking about Bicentennial Man I did too look at the poster you don't get to make fun of Bicentennial Man in my presence I like that movie okay all right all right we'll do it behind his back yeah do it behind my back that's fine

I do plenty of stuff behind your back. So it was a ruby and it's not your cup of tea. Everyone should roll a perception check. There was bridge burning. I think it's like, I remember something about ruby tear burning a bridge. I hit the wrong button. And not every path will be something about tea. Not every path will be a cup of tea. Just take the 15 plus 8. 23. Mud. Mud.

- 14. - You talking about mud or gum gum? - Mud. - Yeah, I said it out loud. I hit the wrong button. - 10. - But I'm not re-rolling. I'm just gonna take the 15 and add my modifier. - I was saying muddy, but I was looking at Chris 'cause I was thinking gum gum. - I know, you were looking at Chris. - 'Cause Chris always rolls the wrong thing. - You were saying my name, but you were mad at Chris.

Okay, so Mud is actually a 16. No, no, no, 23. I rolled a 15. I have a plus eight modifier to Persuasion. It's a 23. Persuasion? Perception. Perception, sorry. I rolled Persuasion. I meant to roll Perception. So Mud has a Perception check of 23. Gum Gum has a Perception check of 16. Kyborg has a Perception check of 14. And Bart has a Perception check of 10.

Yeah, I'm still like rubbing my eyes Sleepy party boy still waking up. That's like a yeah, you wrote like a two or something So wait, did we just get covered in blood or just a red hue? Kind of covered us Bard was like trying to or Bart was trying to like sample that beat that the thing was making because it's like Thumb thumb thumb thumb. She's like I'm gonna use this on Well Bart and Kai like your impression of me by

It's like nerdy musician. It's like you got a little prog rock band. You're like programming your synth. Bart and Kyborg, from your perception, you appear to be standing at the crossroads of a four-way bridge suspended over a deep chasm of red vapor. Beyond that, it's really too hazy to make anything out.

It's just me and Bart there. Oh, no, you're all there, but this is what you see. Okay, okay. Gum-Gum, you're able to peer past the red vapor, and in each direction beyond the four bridge paths is a door. Four doors in total.

And Mud, with your eagly, bad rolling eyes, you can tell it looks like there's something written on each door. What language is it? You can't tell from the distance. You can just see something inscribed on each of the doors. Right. There's something on each of the doors. Who wants to walk across these bridges and see what's written on them? I think we're supposed to burn the bridges. No, we're not supposed to. The poem said the exact opposite of that. Do not burn.

the bridges. Do not burn him. It said do not. We need to test if that red vapor is bad, so if we fall into it, it will die. So, Mud pushes Guy. No, no. He's going to

I was going to ask for gumbo. No, no, no, no. Just toss a little gumbo in your red stew? We could try to cross and then like one person crosses and then all of us have a rope that we're holding on to. We're like the crossroads of the bridges, right? Yes, you are like in the middle and it's like a plus sign. There's like a bridge in each cardinal direction and at the end, a door. All right, so K4. Yes, four. Yes, four of them.

We're going to race to each door. Oh, all of us are going to just split up. Yeah. Yeah. Bart, you okay with that? I'll take left. I'll take right. Yeah, let's... I actually am kind of down with that. Really? Yeah. You know, let's like... This thing said... I should be saying this in character. The poem said that doubt is...

Don't be afraid of it. Don't be afraid. That is not your enemy. Yeah, so let's actually be a little reckless and let's go and do something chaotic. And where's the tea? And where's the water tea? And there's something about searching our hearts. So is there a role for searching my heart? A role for surgery? I don't see it in your inventory. You fall down and you're dead. Mutt starts walking to the north. I start walking to the west.

I say east, but I go south. Let me write this down. I guess I'll go east. So, Kyborg, you said west. Mud, you said north. Bart is east.

And Gum Gum, you're going west, but you said you're going east. No, he's going south, but I said east. Okay, that's right. I have a feeling that west is going to be the correct one because this is like Kyborg storyline, right? Left. So like there might be something there about going left. West isn't always left depending on where you're facing. Oh, that's true. That's true. I'll tell you what, everyone just, this isn't combat or anything, just everyone roll initiative for me just so I can go through you in order because y'all are splitting up here. He just said this isn't combat. You're like, ah!

All right, I'm only gonna roll it once instead of 18. 18. 22. And an 8. I think Gum-Gum has better decks. Okay, just check. It's just right there. We rolled the same, but I'm pretty sure both of you two have better decks in string. Yep. All right. So the order we're gonna do is Kyborg, Gum-Gum, Mud, Bark. Cool. So Kyborg, you were heading west, correct? Yes. All right. You walk west across the bridge.

And it's kind of scary. You know, there's this red mist enveloping everywhere. But it's not like the bridge is very rickety or anything. But you cross it. And when you get to the western edge of the bridge, there's a door. Okay. Do it. Open it up. I.

What's it say, Kyberg? What's your door say? Oh, uh, I perceive what the door says, because there's a symbol on it according to what you were saying earlier. Yeah, uh, you look at the door, and you're able to read it. It reads, you walk the path of others first, set foot in, prepared to thirst. Walk the path that something first, I'm thirsty. Uh, I gotta drink. Kyberg sets up some thirst traps. Hey, Kyberg, what did it say? Ha ha ha.

Since you're far away, you go, You are like the person first! First! That's all you get. Guys, I think Kyber's having a stroke. Should we all just see what... If you want, you can defer to the next person, and I'll go down to the next person, or you can keep going. Maybe, maybe...

Maybe the poems are relevant to who the person is and who there's supposed to be opening the door. So maybe we should get all of the poems. Micah, I hate you. I don't want to see those. You put that mask on because I don't want to see your stupid little grin.

You know, I know I'm wrong now. Okay, but who's Micah? I don't see anybody else here. I'm hallucinating. I would say I defer to somebody else and I want to hear the other poems. Okay, next on the initiative order. A rare instance of not taking action to wait for more information. I'll kick the door down. You want me to? I'm just calling out growth. The next person on the initiative list is Gum-Gum, who went to the south. Let me try and read it if I can.

Uh, yeah, you are able to read it and it says... Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. I'm ready with my keyboard. Blaine's standing up and walking towards Gus. What are you doing? Go ahead. He's recording you with his... You don't have to record it. You can ask me to reread it because you're looking at it. Yeah, this isn't, this isn't, this isn't a voice. This is literally on the door. So, Gum-Gum, your door says...

You walk the path of free-for-all. Enter now and have a ball. Oh. I can hear the sounds of Gum-Gum typing on his keyboard that apparently he's got in his inventory. What was... Kyberg, what did yours say again? I walk the path of others first. Of others first. Of others first.

You walk the path of others first, set foot in, prepare to thirst.

All right. So your door said show feet. Got it. Anyway, it is Gum Gum's turn right now. We might need to enter these in a certain order because yours suggests everyone has to enter theirs first. So you would go last. And then mine says I walk the path past a free for all enter now and have a ball. Yours has the number four. I want to also point out that the beginning poem said something about not every path will be your cup of tea. And that one referenced thirst. Okay. I have a theory. I'm not going to present it yet because it could be foolish.

Well, thanks for letting us know. Okay, my theory... No, no, no. It's a D&D thing. He's preparing his theory. My theory is that maybe these take us to places we've already been to, so... Maybe? Prepare for thirst that could be a desert that could be Pius Pass. Go to a ball. I guess we went to that stupid centennial thing. What was it called? It was the Valrasian... Again, it's a half-baked theory, so we need to hear the other poems. What was it? It was like the...

My thing. The moon thing. Says I should go have fun. All right. Gum-Gum's door goes to a bounce house. Can I read mine? Gum-Gum, are you done? Do you want to defer to the next person or? I can defer unless we're jumping in. I don't know. What does Gum-Gum do? Hold. Hold, Gum-Gum. Hold. Okay, I'll hold. What do you want me to hold? Is there railing? Hold.

Well, we moving on? Yeah, I was third, right? Mud, you are next. And you went to the northern door. You cross the bridge and you walk across. And similarly to the other ones, there is a door here. And there is something inscribed on it. I read it. Okay. Written on this northern door is, you walk the path of neither nor at risk you enter through this door. Neither nor.

You walk the risk of neither nor? Walk the path of neither nor. Yeah. And then what was the last thing? I read it again. At risk you enter through this door. That's not a good one. My door is bad. Can someone else give me their door? Before we hear Bards, this makes so much more sense why Gus was like giddy, like a little like goblin man. Like, hey, my riddles three. Gus turned to Jester and was like, I'm so excited about tomorrow. Because your new is door. Riddles three.

I mean, they did say doubt is not our enemy, nor certitude our friend. All right. So this is kind of like, this might be, if it's neither nor, it's kind of like a wishy-washy thing. So there's, what you're saying is there's candy on the other side of my door. Could be. Yeah, maybe. Bart, what's your door say? All right. I walk up to my door and I look at it with my beady little eyes. With your little Bart eyes. Bart heads to the east, which is the final door remaining. You walk up to the door.

and you read it and your door says, "You walk the path of neither nor at risk you enter through this door." - Wait, that's- - Hey.

This sounds familiar. So north and east had the same inscription? Seems like it. Sounds like they did. Um, could I... Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, it's Bart's turn. I know, sorry, sorry. Actually, I wanted to talk to Bart. Yeah. What did yours say exactly again? You want to reread it, Bart? You walk the path of neither nor. At risk, you enter through this door. And what did mine say? Which direction did you go? North.

You walk the path of neither nor at risk you enter through this door. Was there any difference? Is it spelled right? I don't know. I can't see it. Is it spelled the same? Are we able to see if like... Would you all read like letter by letter to each other? Sure. Yeah.

They are exactly the same. Okay, okay, okay. Okay, okay. I'm sorry, the pawns, I had to double check. Bart, Bart. Hey. Yeah. Twinsies. They're the same. I have a feeling maybe neither of our doors, the correct one, if we're only looking for maybe one door. Mine says it passed the free roll and I'm here now and have a ball. I gotta get this ball, guys. Can I go get the ball?

Well, it's still Bart's turn until Bart's the first, then it would go to Kyborg. I'm just trying to think through this riddle. Search your heart, something of a ruby-colored tear, burn not one bridge you see, and not every path will be your cup of tea. I feel like we've got to just go through one of the doors. I don't feel like any of these doors have riddles that are telling us exactly what to do. Also, hey, hey, hey, there's nothing saying that all of us have to enter one door individually. There is. The DM is saying initiative order. Ha ha ha!

I don't know. I just did it because, like, otherwise it would just be chaos. Right now, the party is split. We decided that, oh, there's four doors, there's four of us. That means we all have to go to our own individual door. That's not the case. If we look at it, you walk the path, free for all, enter now and have a ball. We could go into that one, all of us collectively, and see what's in there. There was something in the poem about not playing pretend, and do we think, like, a ball is basically, like, us playing pretend? Mm-hmm.

It says have a ball. Let's just like have a good time. But yeah, the poem at the beginning said do not play pretend. You know what? I think we should go through each of our doors. I think we go through gum gums first. Do we maybe want like one at a time? I can go through it and then if you hear me scream.

But we don't know if it's going to be a scream of joy or a scream of fear. I think mine should be first and then yours last because it says... Yeah, and then I'm not sure about y'all's. I think... Wait, wait, wait. You're saying yours and y'all's? Just to specify. As Blaine, I think Kyborg's door should be last. We should have these conversations in character. Well, I'm halfway through this.

Gum Gums should be first and then Bart and Mudd should be, I don't know when. I feel at least Bart and I should go through our doors at the same time. Have we confirmed that we're just looking for one right door? No, we have no idea what we're doing right now. Okay, there wasn't anything set at the beginning. Wait, what did you say from the beginning?

I was just gonna ask like if there was something said at the beginning of like we're looking for one path or one door or like one solution. It said don't burn any bridges so I think it was confirming the poem was saying like go through them all. I thought it said don't be afraid to burn bridges. No it said burn not one bridge you see. Yeah. So they're all valid is what it said. Don't be afraid to die. Kyborg is frustrated raises his story says prepare to meet Kelly in hell. I was waiting for the Indiana Jones references. You're welcome.

Well, it's still Bart's turn. Okay, Bart, what you gonna do? Is there any like perception I could do if like I feel anything from this door or like, I don't know. Like you're trying to like, what do you mean? Like listen at it or like, what's your goal here? Yeah, could I like listen at the door and also touch it to see if like there's any temperature or anything like that? Yeah, we'll call that an investigation check. Okay. Go ahead and make one of those for me. Investigation, sweet, 21. The door doesn't seem

I mean, it's the whole area you're in seems kind of otherworldly to begin with. So it's hard to tell what's normal and what's not normal. That being said, the door doesn't seem like it's emitting any heat or cold and you can't hear anything through it. Okay.

I also love how you gave us a puzzle with doors just to really slap us in the face. That's why I've been excited for today's recording. I knew it. Just in case, could I cast motivational speech to give us all some temp HP? Yeah, I don't see why not. It's just an ability, isn't it? It's a spell. It's an enchantment. It's a third level spell.

It takes you a minute to cast it, which isn't the end of the world. It just takes a little while. I'll hold off on it for now, then. Okay. And that'll be the end of my turn. I really think, like, nothing about any of the poems or what Gus has said

has led us to believe that we need to go into these doors individually. So I do feel strongly that we try out gum gums all together now. Okay. I'm sorry, Bart. Did you say that was the end of your turn? Yes, I did. Okay. So yeah, it is cockpockets. I'm just trying to make sure. No, no, no. I understand. Thank you. Yeah, yeah. For the sake of actually doing something, let's go to gum gums.

Okay, let's go. All right, go to Gum Gums. All right, so Kyborg, you defer. You're done with your turn, and it's now Gum Gums' turn. Is that correct? In my action, I walked to Gum Gums' door. So, okay, Kyborg is no longer at the western door, and you walked to the southern door. Yes. Is that correct? Okay, so I have, like, which direction you all are written down, so I need to keep track.

So Kyborg and Gum-Gum are now at the southern door, and it is now Gum-Gum's turn. You guys want to come to this door? Yeah, I come to the door, and I smack Gum-Gum on the butt. Yeah. Bart, are you joining them as well in the southern door? Yeah, sure, why not? Okay, so everyone's at the southern door. We don't have to be in turns anymore, now that you're all at the same door. Okay. I'm calling it right now. This is the bad door. Going in the door. Nothing about the other ones indicates good door, so, like, we're just taking our best shot here. Open it, open it, open it, open it.

Oh no. Is that what the door is saying? You're all over the place. I got so many windows open. It takes me a second to get to the correct one. I can't wait to get this ball. Okay, you open the southern door and all of you suddenly feel like you're in the sense of free fall. Everyone make a dexterity saving throw. Oh man. Am I still a bat?

No, when the red washed over you, you became back to normal mud mode. I rolled a one, so I'm going to roll a lucky and roll again. You have a guidance, GumGum. You also rolled a dexterity check instead of a save, Kyborg. That's just silly. I have 10. You have guidance. Oh. Mine's 14. Oh, yeah, 24. Does that mean I roll a what? D4. That's a 16, my friend. That's a 14. Oh, that's a good D4. You did a check instead of a save, Mud. Yeah, Mud, you did a check instead of a save. Oh.

a save i was stupid is my save the same save same same okay so just to recap we have kind of all over the place everyone read me what your save is i can't look at all 16 14 for bart uh roll to one roll to lucky now it's 24 14 all right bart and gum gum each of you impact something taking a total of 10 points of falling damage

Mud and Kyborg, you manage to land just fine. Beat down, absorb the impact. Superhero, you ground pound. Everyone looks around and you see that you've fallen out of the ceiling of a spacious tavern. Inside of the tavern, it seems like it's pretty packed and it's kind of run down and there is a huge bar fight taking place. Could we see who is participating in the bar fight if we recognize anyone here? Yeah, make a perception check.

I also want to see if like this is a memory or something so can I also roll a perception? Yeah. I have an eight. Bard, you're normally very perceptive, uh, not so well today. 18 for mud. I know, because I rolled a two. That's a nat 20 for 19 total.

None of you recognize anybody in the brawl. It just seems like it's a free-for-all of various humanoids. No one that seems familiar. Mud and Gum-Gum, you notice that there's a barkeep behind the bar close to you, seemingly nonplussed about the fight that's

going on. He says, Can I go to him and be like, hey, why is everyone fighting? Can I join? The barkeep is cleaning a glass and says,

yeah help yourself that was a familiar voice that was that was a mistake let me redo it the bar keeps taking a glass and says yeah help yourself there you go why is everyone fighting yeah i don't recognize him anymore yeah i agree with this man i don't know him the bar keeps that sometimes fighters gotta fight i agree with that uh strange question where are we make a perception check mud another one yeah you can't just ask that to the dark guy

That's only a 10. In front of your eyes, it seems like the barkeep changes form. What? Like while you were blinking, while your eyes were closing that fraction of a second, it went from a humanoid looking barkeep to like a lizard person now. And now he says, welcome to the stick dragon.

And says, uh, had a few too many, did you? I think I did, even though I'm sober. Maybe not enough. Is there a door? Oh, that's a really good question. Now that you mention it, you look around, you see there are no doors to this tavern. So this is a sealed room. Yes. It's pretty big, though. Like, it's a huge tavern. There's a loft overhead. But no exits, no doors, no windows? No. Loft overhead? Yeah, there's a loft overhead. There's a band up there playing music. A band up there? Do you think we have to...

do something in this situation to get out of the room, probably like complete a task of some sort. Maybe. Is there, the barkeep says, can I get you something? Do you have any balls? I know that's a weird question, but like anything like spherical shaped? Bart, while you're talking, you know, you also are looking at the barkeep and the barkeep seems to transform to a halfling in front of your eyes and says, balls? No, I don't know if I know that drink. What's in that?

Uh, that means you probably don't want to swallow it, if I'm being honest, so. Can I try something? Yeah, yeah. I approach the bartender and I say, what day is it? The date? What year? It sounds like a Macho Man Randy Savage reference. I bet he's going to transform into an elf. Oh, yeah. I did that intentionally. Oh, so you go up and you actually do ask that? Oh, yeah, absolutely, yeah. The barkeep does not transform. It's still a halfling. Oh, okay. And looks at you and says, days? Years? You need another drink. Okay.

Oh, we're in hell. Wait, can I cast Detect Magic? Okay, yeah. You cast Detect Magic. You open up, you know, your magical senses to see what's around you. And it seems like everything is glowing with magic in here.

The brawl seems to be getting more and more violent. There's like more people jumping in and it's just like growing and seems like it's not even staying in one place. Just like a mass of people writhing around, throwing bottles, picking up chairs, smashing them into each other. - Could I join the fight? - Sure. How do you want to do that?

I don't know. I'm just trying to think of the phrase. It was, you walk the path of free-for-all, enter now and have a ball. So I'm trying to think if it's like, we're supposed to enter the free-for-all. Maybe we just are supposed to have fun. Yeah. Yeah. So how do you want to do that, Bart? Like what, in your mind, how would Bart jump into a tavern brawl? I think he would stand up on the counter of the bar and like jump into the top of the fight. Flying squirrel it is what he would do. Yeah. Flying squirrel into the top. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. Go ahead and... I'm going to hurt myself, aren't I? Make like an attack roll. We'll call it, right? Like you're jumping into a fight. Unharmed attack? That's your way. Let's roll a d20 and we'll add... We'll say dex because you're jumping in. We're adding dex? Yeah. So that would be seven plus seven. All right. So 17. 17. Yeah. Bart jumps in. Do you do like a... Do you like lead with an elbow or...

How do you... I lead with both elbows. Bart jumps in, elbows first into the top of this tavern brawl. And yeah, you connect with... You don't know who, but you connect with someone's skull and you're in the midst of it. You're now in the middle of a tavern fight. Come at me, bros. What's your AC, Bart? Uh...

- 15. - 15, okay, great. - I wanna pick up a chair and slam it on the closest big guy. - Okay. - I wanna find the biggest guy in the bar and I wanna slam a chair across his back. - Yeah, make like an unarmed attack roll. - 18. - 18, yeah, you find the biggest participant in the tavern brawl that you can find. It's a giant orc who's pummeling a small human and you break a chair over his back and he groans out in pain.

Can I use jump to get highs up and then curl up into a ball and go, Candy ball! Yeah, do you want to jump up as high as you can and fall down or do you want to like jump up to the loft and then jump off of the loft? Yeah, Gum-Gum jumps up to the loft, startling the band who's playing music up there. They stop temporarily. They start playing again and then Gum-Gum yells cannonball and jumps off into the tavern brawl. Roll an arm strike as well, Gum-Gum.

I guess I could rage. Well, okay. I'm also, like, not sure this is what we're supposed to do. So if you guys want to... It's D&D. You can do whatever you want to do. This is what I wanted to do, so I'm all for this. Okay, okay. It looks like there's not a lot of consequences in this room, so why not? The poem did say, do not play pretend. I'm not playing pretend.

Oh no, I have a lot of umph into that chair break. That guy's spine. Wild magic? Yeah, you're surrounded by multi-killed protective lights. You gain a plus one bonus AC and all allies also gain one with the ten feet. Nice. So everyone gets plus one AC? Yeah. Oh, that's good. Perfect. Cannonball. You cannonball. What kind of damage would that do? Roll a d6 for me. That's butt damage. That's a three plus two for my rage. Yeah, five.

Yeah, so you cannonball down and, yeah, there's another lizard-like humanoid in the tavern brawl and you land straight on their head and, you know, knock them unconscious as you fall to the ground with your cannonball. Okay.

Alright, Mud. Mud turns to the barkeep, pulls up a stool, puts gumbo on another stool next to him and orders, "Could I have one coffee and a milk for my friend?" You got it. Two drinks coming up. The barkeep transforms back to like a human. It's a free-for-all. Mud gets to do what Mud feels like doing. Mud doesn't feel like fighting a bunch of bar people. Smudge that coffee on that dude's head. Do it. I'm not saying you gotta. This is character.

I'm having a lovely beverage with my little badger. Gum Gum, do you want to like drag Mudden to the fight? You don't want to start this. The barkeep gets to work. I will burn two drinks. The barkeep puts two drinks in front of you. What did you order? Coffee and a milk? The barkeep puts two drinks in front of you. Can someone Google after listening to this episode if badgers can drink milk? They're strange looking drinks in front of you. You're not sure that it's coffee and milk. Is it badger's milk? Badger's milk.

Can I... sniff it? Uh, yeah, you sniff your drink and it doesn't smell like any coffee you've ever had before. I take a trepidatious sip. You take a small sip of your drink and you begin floating up off out of your bar stool. Are we in Willy Wonka? What are we doing? According to Brendan, milk is generally okay for badgers, but harmful for hedgehogs. Yeah. So it's a good thing you don't have a hedgehog. Watch out for Sanic.

Uh, how much? Like, just kind of just floating there in space? Yeah, just like an inch or two, like, off of a... What about Gumbo? Gumbo takes a sip of his milk. Gumbo takes a sip of his and, uh, he, you know, you know, uh, opens and closes his mouth a little bit and turns around and looks, uh, and you see he's looking at someone, uh, else in the bar, and then that person falls over. What the hell is going on here? One of the other poems said you set foot in prepare for thirst, so...

I don't know if that's relevant to this. So now the three of them are fighting. I'm having a bev. Has anything changed? Anything happening? No, I mean the fight's going on, seemingly growing. The band's still playing. The bar keeps cleaning glasses and serving drinks to you and Gumbo. What the heck do we do? Come on in, man. The water is great. Just punch someone. Anybody. Punch me. No, I don't want to.

Is there anything else that's like we're able to do in here? Like are there any other activities to partake in this bar? Hey Bart. Yeah. Why don't you show the band how to really play? Oh, hell yeah. I could throw a bark. Bart scuttles out from beneath the fight. Yeah, like a picture you're like on your stomach, like crawling out from under like this huge fight at the very bottom. And he is completely unscathed as well. Yes. He's just been kind of like throwing punches at people's crotches and stuff like that.

since he's so little. And then he goes up to the band and asks if he could join in on their musical extravaganza. Yeah, they're up in the little loft. So, you know, you pull yourself out from the brawl, you know, walk up some stairs and, you know, head up to the loft that Gum-Gum had jumped off of. That's where the band is. And yeah, they say you're more than welcome to join in. All right, Bart pulls out his lute and starts strumming along. He already is immediately picking up on the song that they're playing, even though he's never heard it before. Yeah, Bart's pretty good. Make a performance check, Bart.

Oh, you got it. So you're playing like along with them. You said you're picking up on the song. Oh, yeah. Nat 20 plus 9, 29. Oh, yeah. You kind of know this song. You've heard this before, maybe. Or like a version of it. Nothing changes. Okay, cool. Am I noticing anything weird happening? Weird? Well, weird is kind of like subjective, right? Nothing new or nothing different seems to be happening. Can I chug a beer? I'm just going to chug a beer.

Barkeep, I want a beer. All right. Yeah, barkeep just coming right up, gets to work, and, you know, pours a drink, and then, like, slides it along the bar over to you. Yeah, and I do the cool catch without looking, and I drink it. And you take a big old chug of it. Yes. You take a long drink of the beer, you slam your glass down, and you look around, and there's multiple copies of you standing next to you. This is the coolest bar ever. Yeah.

I love this place. Kyborgs! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes

And then I go back into the fight. Okay, yeah. Kyborgs dive back in to the fight with reckless abandon. You know that thing where it's like the row of ladies doing the da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-

Guys, I have no idea what we're doing in here. I think that's the point. We're trying to fight with a mug. What if you were supposed to fight with us? Uh, can I take a sip of Gum Gum's milk? Of, uh, Gumbo's milk. Okay, I was very confused, like, who could have Gum Gum? Uh, yeah. You take a sip of the drink that was in front of Gumbo. And, uh, nothing happens. Not that you can tell. Not that you could tell.

What does that mean? What happens if I look at one of the patrons who are fighting? Yeah, you focus your attention on someone in the tavern brawl and they begin vomiting profusely. Oh my God.

This scenario makes no sense. I think you have to fight. You're the one outlier. Oh, I'm not fighting anymore. I'm playing. Could I come up to the bar and order a cup of tea? Yeah. Bart, I assume you stop playing your instrument. You come back downstairs and order a cup of tea from the barkeep? Yes. Yeah. The barkeep transforms again, this time into a half-orc.

and turns around and says, "Coming right up!" Begins putting together a drink for you and puts the drink right in front of you. There you go. Can I take a sip? Yeah, you take a sip of the drink that's put in front of you and you feel like the hairs on your body are like standing on edge. Oh.

I think, have you guys all had a drink? Was I the last one to have a drink? Yeah. No. No. Gum Gum has not. Gum Gum, why don't you also have a drink? Yeah, I'll do it because I'll do what the group suggests. Oh, yeah. Yes, and. Interesting. I love a drink. Hey, Gum Gum, they might have chocolate.

- I would have chocolate milk here. - Yeah, what do you order to drink? - Chocolate milk. - Chocolate milk. - I have a guess. I have a guess at where this could go. If this doesn't work out, I wanna try something else. - All right, Gum Gum, you go and you order a drink and you start drinking it and all of the hairs on your body also start standing on edge. - Ooh.

Is there maybe something to do with the barkeep? Because he keeps changing. Well, he's also, it's like a free-for-all, and he's giving us all these drinks. It doesn't seem like he's charging us. So, like, maybe we just ask for what we want. So, like, maybe we just ask for that. What is it, the ruby thing? Give me balls. Joel, keep asking for balls. I actually kind of like Kyborg's theory. Yeah. Do you have a ruby? He asks the barkeep to.

Ruby? No, I only have drinks. It's in liquid form. It's like that blood thing, right? Didn't the thing turn into like blood red stuff? What's it called? What are we even searching for this thing? A ruby colored tear. I'll have a glass of ruby colored tears. Coming right up. Barkeep turns around and begins working on a drink. And then he puts together a red drink and slides it in front of you. This is probably not what I asked for. I take a drink though.

Zip it. Yeah, sure. You take a sip and all the hair on all the cyborgs' heads falls out. I already have puberty. No, it's gone. You're bald now. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Mud then takes a drink as well. Of what? Of my drink. The one you got initially? I'd like another. All right.

What can I get you? Give me the house special. House special. You got it. Can I talk to him while he's making- Mr. Burb Keepsir, when's the last time someone came in here? Where'd they go? How'd they leave? He laughs and says, well, I don't think anyone ever really does leave. Oh, okay. Oh, fun. Oh, you're Satan. Yeah, you get a drink and yeah, it makes you feel strong. Not physically strong, but you feel like better, like healthier.

I raise my glass up and say cheers for the Infinates and motion for all of my teammates to cheers with me. Cheers. I cheer my tea. Gum gum? Cheers. Can we down our drinks? Yeah, go for it. As you all make your toast and begin downing your drinks, everyone in the tavern begins booing. Boo! We're drinking at a bar. What do you want from us? You all black out.

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Well, we did something. Progress. Y'all start slowly coming to and open your eyes and look around and you're back at the center of the bridges going in all four directions. Okay, not going through that door anymore. All right. One down. Did anything about that door change? You all hear a voice in your heads that says... Do not despair from your mistakes or seek to point the blame. Lessons can be learned from failure if they can be aimed.

What say you? It's your fault, Maude! I hate you! Alright, I'm convinced. I feel like, yeah, I'm gonna say Qyborg might have had it at the top. I guess we all go in there and fight. Lessons can be learned from failure if they can be named. We were cordial to each other and that ended that room.

The southern door disappears. Oh, damn. And a blanket of warmth falls over everyone. I peed my pants. You all get... Oh. Did I do something good? Six temporary hit points. Whoa. All right. Yay. If I'm down 10 HP, do I add that to my current or just temp? Just temp HP. But whenever you take damage from here on out, you can subtract it from the temp HP instead of your normal hit points. Gotcha. Okay. So I'll just add six temp and I'm still down 10 for my max HP. Correct. Okay.

The other ones, the ones that Bart and Gum Gum were at. No, wait, no, wait. Which ones are the ones that repeated? It was Mud and Bart's. Me and Mud. And that was North and East. Do you want to try West, which was you walk the path of others first, you set foot in, prepare for others. Yeah, set foot in. I feel like that one should be done last. I feel like that one should go last because...

You walk the path of others first. Oh, interesting. You walk the path of neither nor, but we both go in neither nor at the same time. Okay, so split two and two? Yeah. I need to make notes of this. Who's going in which direction? I go back to my door. I'll go with Mud. Okay, which direction were you in initially, Mud? North. A very notable Elijah Wood film, if you recall. Yes, okay. And Tyborg, you're accompanying Mud to the north. Yes, team Myborg. Gum Gum and Bart, which direction were you all going in? I think that's the east.

Okay. Team Bud. Bud, Bud. I just got to make sure I'm keeping track of all of this appropriately. No, he's Bum-Bum. Bum-Bum. Bum-Bum. Bum-Bum.

Team bum bum. Alright, so Kyborg and Mud head to the northern door and Gum Gum and Bart head to the eastern door and you're at each of these doors. Alright, three, two, one. Mud opens his door. Mud opens the northern door. Who opens the eastern door? I'll do it. I guess Gum Gum. Unless you want to. I don't care. You said you wanted to, so go for it. We'll deal with the northern door first. We're in an apothecary. There's a bunch of pets.

Mud, the door is very, very stiff and difficult for you to open, but you are able to push it open. At the same time, on the eastern door that was Gum Gum opening it, the door opens super easily to the east, and two people head into the north and two people head into the east. I'm gonna need to get an initiative roll from each of you just so I can deal with these two separately. So Bart's rolling for your group, and then someone rolls for the other group. Okay. Okay, I rolled a 13. Uh...

Right off the bat, I rolled a 20, a 15 plus five. Right off the bat, it seems like we need to be aware of opposites. If ours is hard and theirs is easy, we need to be aware of that. I feel like it plays into the poem. Neither, nor, I don't know. I punch Kyborg. Okay. I don't, I don't, I don't. So Kyborg rolled higher on the initiative, so we'll deal with Kyborg and Mud first. Okay. We're going to ace Ventura when he dies.

He swings at that one guy. The guy just catches his punch with his teeth. Oh, yeah. Kyborg and...

You open the door and when you pass through, you look around and to your shock, you're in a courtroom and you were instantly greeted by guards who put shackles on you and usher you and push you up to the front of the court before the judge. The judge appears to be like a big humanoid looking owl. - Oh. - The judge has golden and white feathers and a furrowed brow. The judge bangs his gavel. - Order, order. The two of you have been found guilty of failing to be lawful abiding citizens

In the realm of Faiza, how do you plead?

Not guilty. Not guilty. I say my client is one of the most upstanding citizens in this town. I will defend him, your honor. Well, what evidence do you have to support your case? He has a badger. He is a friend of the wild and he is pure of heart, your honor. Roll a charisma. Roll a persuasion check. I'm oozing with charisma right now. I'm rolling right into this.

Persuasion? Yeah. I say, that's- that's a six, your honor. *laughs* Overruled! *laughs* Ah, yes, your honor. You! And he points at Mud. What gives you the right to exist?

Uh, before I answer, can I do a quick look around the courtroom for anybody else? Uh, yeah, there's a jury off to the side. Who's on the jury? It's a mixture of creatures. Some humanoids, some seemingly sentient animals, some, like, fey creatures with wings. Okay. I love fey creatures. May I ask who brought these charges against us? The people of Faiza. What was the second half of this door's poem?

You walk the path of neither nor. At risk, you enter through this door. Okay. There's also something about lessons can be learned from failure if they can be named. Okay. Yeah. That was like what we heard when the other door disappeared. Yeah. And what was the question? I'm sorry. I've been like gathering information. What gives you the right to exist?

Again, exhibit A, your honor! He has a- a-

A pure heart! What is he? Badger! Look at how happy that badger is! Look at how happy he is, your honor! Mud turns to the right where Kyborg was and there's a giant rooster instead right there. I was gonna say, is the KFC colonel here? I'll say it! Ask Foghorn Leghorn if I've ever heard it. Make a persuasion check, Mud. That's not gonna go well. That's only a 14. Mmm, the owl strokes their chin and says, I see! Mmm.

Hmm, this evidence does sway the court. And what of your friend? What's up, my friend? How he- what question are you exactly asking? How does your friend treat the average citizen of Faiza? With the utmost care, your honor! I am a man of pure heart! My arm may be steel, but my heart is- is made of pure gold! Ooh, roll a persuasion check with advantage.

And, uh, oh, come on, dude. That's a 15-year-old!

Judge Talon slams his gavel down some more and says, I've heard enough. I will have order. These two are clearly not guilty. The guards re-approach you, unshackle you, and escort you back to the door. Okay, as we're leaving, I say, Justice has been done on this day! Ladies and gentlemen of the court! Uh, yeah, you're escorted and kind of gently pushed back out the door.

you appeared in and you're back at the intersection of the bridges. - That was fun. - However, at the same time this was happening, Gum Gum and Bart were dealing with their thing. They were going through the Eastern door.

Gum Gum and Bart, you go through your door and you're standing on a cliffside next to a towering barren tree. There's a thunderstorm raging overhead. Oh my goodness. Bart holds on to Gum Gum so he's like almost like an umbrella for him. Okay. A Gum Gumbrella? Okay. Gum Gumbrella. Oh my God. That's amazing. Now I want fan art of that.

Run to the tree, say "tree are you okay?" Uh yeah, you run to the tree. I mean the tree doesn't answer you but uh roll me a perception check Gum-Gum. Yeah the tree looks like it's seen better days. It's pretty barren. Oh no. At the base of the tree however you see a small satchel. Can we open it? Yeah, you all pick it up and open it and there's some stuff in it. There's uh some gloves,

a cloak and 150 gold pieces. Hey GumGum, you wanna split this? You hear a very faint voice in the distance. Help! What? Who needs help? Both of you make a perception check. And you said there's goabs, 150 gold, and what was the other thing? A cloak. Bart, it sounds like the voice is coming from over the cliffside. Could I decipher, like, if I recognize the voice?

Yeah, make a wisdom check. Gosh dang it. Only a seven. I'm rolling very low. Yeah, you're having an off day, Barbara. No, the voice does not sound familiar. You did roll a nat 20 when you were playing music. Oh, that's true. That's very true. Where it was important. Where's the voice? Did you hear that? I think I did. Do you think we should put this cloak on? What does it do, do you think? I don't know. We've got to help this person. Where is it? Who did they come from? Are they in the tree?

It sounds like they're coming from somewhere over the cliff. Can I go and look over the cliff? Yeah, you look over the cliff and it's a pretty sheer drop down to like a raging ocean below, very far. But about 60 feet down the cliffside, you see a really young girl like hugging onto some rotting tree roots that are dangling out from the cliffside. She looks up and says, Please help me. I can't hold on much longer. Okay.

How can we help her? Wait, what else did we say was in that bag? We said a cloak and gold. Is that it? Gloves, cloaks, and gold. That's correct. Gloves. Could I tell if these are Paralites gloves? Make a wisdom check. Gosh dang it. Okay, I want to use my inspiration die. Bart rolled an eight, by the way, for our listeners. Okay, now I'm rolling a 12. Not much better. They seem to be very plain gloves. So they don't look like Paralites? Not from what you can remember.

Okay. Okay. I can tie a rope around the tree and I could lower you down and you help them. Who would love the rope? The rope? Yeah, like every gum gum plant. Everyone loves rope. Maybe we should like put on these pieces of clothing and see if they could help us. Like maybe give us some extra abilities to go save this girl. What do you want to put on? Gloves or clothes? Well, who's going to climb down? What would climbing be? Would that be dexterity? It'd be probably an athletics check. By the way, Micah says you're very naughty.

He does have a lot of rope. What do you use that for? My athletics isn't great. Okay, well, I can do it. I was thinking I could lower you down. Oh, yeah, that's true. With the rope to help, but... Or we could just lower the rope. Okay, well, I'm going to put on the cloak. I'll put on the gloves. Which one of you is the southern lawyer in this scenario? So far, neither. The cloak fits you pretty well, Bart. The little girl's roughly your size, kind of small. So the cloak is a perfect fit for you.

Gum-Gum, the gloves are pretty snug for you. You may have heard a stitch or two pop when you put them on, but you're able to get them on your meaty hand. If the gloves fit, you must quit. It's a different universe. That was our door. That was our door. Could I use my wand of detect magic on the gloves and cloak as well? Yeah, you use your wand of detect magic to, you know, try to see if there's magic around you, but everything here is glowing with magic.

Oh, that's true. The tree, the ground, the gloves, I mean everything. So yes, they do glow, but everything's glowing. Detect magic also lets them know the class. They're strong enchantment, transmutation, and illusionary magic.

Could I grab my rope, put my friendship bracelets attached to the one end of it with a knot so that, you know, they're held on to the end? I could also, Gum Gum, if you want, use my mage hand to carry the end of the rope to her. Yeah, that's good too. What's the range on mage hand? I'm a six.

I was just about to check, actually. I think it's 30 feet. Oh, really? It might be. I thought it was longer than that. Yeah, it's only 30 feet, unfortunately. Is that why you specifically said, she's 60 feet down? Well, she's just straight down, right? Yeah, straight down the cliffside. You hear her scream as the roots become, like, loosened, and she slips a few feet extra down. I drop it down and lower down and have the other end around the tree so I can use it as leverage and hold.

I lower it. You lower it to her? Yeah. And what do you say? Grab hold of the rope and put the friendship bracelet on so that you don't slip. I'm afraid to let go.

That's why you put the friendship bracelet on. Put the friendship bracelet on. It'll protect you. Yeah, sure. Why not? She's got her arms wrapped around the roots, but she frees them up a little bit and puts your friendship bracelet on. And she says, These are strange friendship bracelets. I'm a strange friend. Yeah, she puts the friendship bracelets on. Okay, I put the bracelets on. Now hold on to the rope and close your eyes. Okay.

Count to one, zero.

Count to one. Count to one, 12 times. As you're saying this, a bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes the ground right next to you in the tree. It's hard to see now. You're blinded by this bright light and it's hard to hear from the thunder. I just start pulling the rope up. Okay. What is Bart doing during all this? I'm going to help Gum-Gum pull the rope. Okay. You all pull her up to the top and it's a, you know, you see it's a young girl, maybe four or five years old. She's...

wearing a rather dirtied white dress. Oh, thank you. Thank you so much. She like runs up and begins hugging you. Oh,

You found my bag! I was afraid I had lost it over the cliffside during this storm and then I fell as I was looking for it. Yeah, sorry. I wore your gloves for luck. Here, you can have it back. And also undo her friendship bracelet. I'm just glad you found me. Thank you again for saving me. Yeah, did you count to one 12 times to help? I did, but I don't know why

I don't know why I didn't just count to 12. One, one, one. You give her back her satchel and gloves. Could I see first if she looks familiar? Like if we recognize her? Make a wisdom check. Is this familiar?

No, she does not look familiar to you. She looks at you, Bart. May I have my cloak as well? I'd be happy to reward you. She reaches in her bag and pulls out 25 gold and hands it out in her hand. In a second, just curious before I hand this back to you, what does it do? What's special about this cloak? Well, it keeps the rain off of me. Okay. Ah, magic. All right, fair enough.

Bart hands the cloak back to her and takes the gold. What's your name? My name is Luz. I knew it! The wooden door appears in the top of the cliffside, and you two seem to stumble through it, and you're back in the intersection with the bridges. Bye-bye, Luz. My name is Gum-Gum. So we just saved Paralite. Yeah, that was baby Paralite. The gloves are the tip-off for me. You're back at the intersection with the bridges and the doors, and the eastern door disappears as well.

That's like her accessory. And you feel like a blanket of warmth come over everyone in the party. What happened to our north door? It also disappeared. Yeah, it's gone as well. So the north, southern, and eastern door are all disappeared. And you all are back together. We went in our door and Kyberg started talking in this weird accent the whole time, but it worked and we got out. What happened in yours? We met a little girl. We saved her. We might have met a young Paralite and saved her from death. No, her name was Luz. So I don't know if that maybe changed the course of everything. Did you kill her?

No. Oh, okay, okay. I am still thoroughly confused as to what the point of all this is, but I suppose we should go through the last door. Did anything happen when we went through those doors? They melted away. Oh, yeah, you saw a little girl hanging off the cliffside. Did it affect the outside? Yeah, he said the door. Those doors are now gone. They're just gone. And we feel good. Yay. All right. Y'all feel like every time you're coming back now, you feel like a blanket of warmth over you. I say we go west door, which is the final door, which is, once again, you walk the path of others first. You set foot and prepare for thirst.

Oh. Pack Gatorade. Yeah. You get some water. Mud goes to the door and motions everybody to join him. Yeah. All right. Let's go.

Does everyone join him? Yeah, but I get a water, my thing, and have it in hand. Yeah? What do you fill that with? The red mist from below? No, I already have... We've got canteens. Bart, are you joining on the western door as well? Yeah. I love that confidence. What's wrong, Bart? What do you want to do? I'm coming with you. I just said. Okay, I just felt some hesitation. I was wondering if you had a different idea. If I could make

I'm asking for your opinion you seem troubled is there something wrong like are you in a like a lawsuit? Do you need like an attorney of some sort? I know a guy actually yeah, yeah Yeah, let me uh I'm looking for an attorney for a unrelated lawsuit Could I'd maybe like see if any of you are qualified to represent? Just quick question you're hired

Did she give us 25 gold each or just- It was 25 total, but now that you look for it, it's disappeared. It's disappeared? Yeah, it's gone. I knew it. That little sneak. She's gonna grow up to be a villain someday. What opens the door? You try to open the door, but it appears to be locked. Oh. Like, is there a keyhole? No. She's not moving. Correct.

I try opening the door. The door does not budge. I try kicking the door. Make an attack roll. Attack roll? Yeah, because you're kicking it. Like an unarmed strike or something? Well, yeah, you're using your leg, idiot.

Such name calling. 10. Yeah, I mean, the door's not really moving. So yeah, you connect with it. Roll some damage on that. Kick damage. 5. Door shakes and rattles with your very strong kick. And it seems like it splinters and you hear it give a little bit, but it is still closed.

Sorry to keep going back to this, but it says lessons can be learned from failure if they can be named. So does that mean we have to, like, say something to this door? Well, didn't we get whenever John... Whenever Mud said he should have fought with us, we all got felt better and got temporary health. So maybe that was it. Okay. We should have let loose Dino.

Die. We should have kept loose his gloves. I don't know about that. I don't want to steal. Well, one could say that she invoked a lot of harm on people with those gloves. One harm does not make the other harm good.

Can I try something crazy? Yeah. Can I knock on the door? Yeah. While this deep conversation from Gum-Gum's happening, Mud gives a quick rap on the door. Yeah. Make a perception check. Interesting thing to roll. That's a 20. You think you hear a very quiet chuckle coming from the other side of the door.

Can I go up to maybe where it kind of was splintering from Kyborg's thing? Yeah. And just be like, "Hello?" No reply. Alright, Gum-Gum, take your axe to it, cut a hole into it, stick your face in it, and say, "Here's Gum-Gum!" Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait

Um, is it possible... This might be a bad idea, but is it possible for me to use Dimension Door to teleport myself onto the other side of this door? Interesting. Let me read Dimension Door real fast.

Just because all these like transport things can be very strange. Yeah. I mean, I know it says something like if you could envision where you want to go. Be a place you can see, one you can visualize, or one you can describe by starting distance and direction. Oh, so he could say I want to go five feet on the other side of this door, right? Yeah, you could absolutely do that. So you want to go ahead and cast Dimension Door. And how do you invoke and describe where you want to go?

I would request my dimension door take me to the other side of this door we are looking at currently. This is very monkey paw kind of stuff. I don't think, because you have to describe it by starting distance and direction, or it has to be a place you can see or visualize. So it has to be like a place you can see, a place you have seen in the past, or a place you can describe

Directionally from where you are right now. What if I said like I would like to teleport five feet north of myself? West. West. West. Yeah. Off the bridge. Sorry, I forgot what direction we were going. Part teleports off the bridge. Falls into a red abyss. Roll for new character, Barb. Barb.

Okay, so you cast Dimension Door and you say you want to Dimension Door five feet to the west, correct? Yeah, because I'm standing right in front of the door, right? Yeah. The door is actually six feet thick. Bart suffocates. Yeah, Bart opens up a Dimension Door, describes where he wants to go and steps through it and then reappears at the intersection of the nexus between the four bridges. Ugh.

What'd you see Bart? Really quick, it says you walk the path of others first, you set foot in, prepare for thirst, you set foot in. I'm gonna kick the door down. I'm gonna try it again. I splintered the door before, right? Yeah, make an attack roll. 13. 13, yeah, and roll some damage. Five. Yeah, the door fully breaks open now. Huh? I set my foot in! Your surroundings change and you all are in a cold, dim stone room and the door slams shut behind you. You thought you broke it, but for some reason it closed?

In the center of the room is a lit torch flickering on the ground next to something glinting in the firelight. Is this the ruby here? Something glinting in the fire? Go for it, Bart. Could I go up to it and look at it? Yeah, you look at it and you see that what's glinting is a bloody knife that's pinned a frayed scrap of parchment to the ground. So the knife has something like stabbed into a piece of parchment into the ground. Correct. Okay.

Could I see if I could read the parchment? Yeah, you pick the part. I assume you pick the parchment up to read it or just want to check with it. Yeah, I'll take the knife out so I don't rip the paper as I pick it up. Yeah, you take a look at it and it reads, the devil lives here in disguise. Sort out the truth from all the lies. Make haste before the torchlight dies. Okay. Oh, good. A timed puzzle will be great. Oh, yeah, I got to start that timer. Ha ha ha.

Guys, which one of us is the devil? Who could it be? This isn't a crossover moment. Can we look around and see if there's anything else in the room or anyone else? Make a perception check. Ten. You don't notice anybody else or anything out of the ordinary. It's a pretty small room. It's only like 15 feet by 15 feet. It is kind of hard to see because the only light is this torch that seems to be flickering. I'm night vision. Oh, but you do hear... Oh, there was giggling. Yeah, you do hear some devious laughter in the distance. You can't quite ascertain where it's coming from.

Who's there? I can hear you.

Anything? No, nothing. Okay. Can I see if there's any other, like, there's no other people aside from the giggling voice, but is there any other things of note in this room aside from the torch, the knife, and the parchment? You see, like, scratch marks on the walls. Oh. We're in a tomb that people have been buried alive inside. How high is the ceiling? That's about 15 feet. It's pretty much like a cube that you're in, 15 by 15 by 15. Light the paper on fire. Ooh, that's a good idea. Read it one more time. Bart, do you read it?

Yes, I read it one more time. It says... Out loud. In Bart's voice, the devil lives here in disguise. Sort out the truth from all the lies. Make haste before the torchlight dies. Sort out the truth from all the lies. Mutt just calls out, hello, is anybody in here? You hear blood-curdling screams echoing across all of the walls. I blood-curdling scream back.

Make an intimidation check. Oh, not what I expected. Good news. I'm really intimidating. I rolled a two. What does your blood-curdling scream sound like then if you rolled a two? I go for it, but I just like, like when you get like a little piece of like a spit stuck in your throat and you go to freeze. Ah!

Ooh, spooky. I mean, the only props we have are the torch, the knife, and the paper. Should we just light the paper on fire? The torch pops, you know, like a fire crack sometimes. You hear a loud, like, snap inside of it. It seems like it's burning down. Okay, Gum-Gum, light a fart. We'll run out of options quick. You have to. I don't have to go. Oh, God. Can I go and bang on the wall? I don't have to go. Like I said, they're stone walls. You start banging on them? Yeah. Okay, yeah, you bang on the wall. Nothing seems to happen.

We'll sort through all the lies. Wait, the devil doesn't live here in disguise. Oh, maybe we should take the knife and we should just start swiping at the air. We'll all get behind Bart, who has the knife. I'm just going to be walking like this. Exactly. They're in disguise. They're here somewhere. And if you happen to get in my way. That's on you, devil. Let's hold hands. If we all hold hands, we could walk across the entire room and see if there's anyone who is invisible. I mean, yeah, that's a way of doing it. We could see if there's someone invisible hiding from us. Let's do it.

Yeah, we got to stick together. So y'all like red rovering it? Yes. And just sweeping through the entire room? Yep, because 15 feet, that's plenty of space. Yeah. I think four people should be able to do that. And we get the whole thing. Yeah, everyone make a perception check. Six. Sweet. 25. 15. 15. Okay, as you do that, you know, y'all are sweeping through the room that way. Bart, the hairs on the back of your neck stand up and you feel like a wind whistle past your left ear. That's going to be most part of it.

That was my left ear. And where am I in... Am I at the further left part of everyone? I would assume you would have been on one of the ends since you're... Holding the knife. Right. Hey, guys. Does anyone have burritos for lunch? Shh.

Do we have a net? Or was that a ghostly spirit passing by my ear? It seems like the room's getting dimmer. Can I grab the torch? Yes. Light the paper on fire. Can I take the torch around the room and see what the room lights up to? Yeah, um, make an investigation check. We'll call this one. You're investigating. While he's doing that, can I also light my own torch? Sure, why not? Is the fire transferred? You know what? I'm going to use inspiration dose, just because I think this is worth it.

As you walk around and look at the walls, you see, you know, many, many scratches on seemingly every surface of the wall in the room. And in various spots, it seems like old blood stains on some lower portions of the wall. And it's just like stone walls all around us with a door. And can we see how high up it goes? About 15 feet. Lower portions of the wall. I'm wondering if this is one of those smushing rooms where the ceiling comes down and smushes. Can we light the paper on fire? Sure.

Yes, if no one stops him, Kyborg can take the parchment and light it on fire. Is he going up for that? That's fine. All right, I'll light the paper on fire. All right. I mean, the parchment is already kind of frayed, and it lights up pretty easily and then, you know, turns to ash.

Ta-da. Does anything happen? Not that you can tell. I have a bunch of sand. Can I throw it around the floor? Good call. Oh, he's doing steps. I really need to start counting your weight and your encumbrance. Yeah, you can absolutely take all your sand and toss it around on the floor. Now that there's no one invisible, we'll see you. See the footsteps. Now let's do our walking game. Well, then we're going to see our footsteps. Yeah, but we'll see if someone else comes around. Didn't you, Bart, you said someone moved? I felt a wind pass my ear. Could I try something?

Are we convinced that we're looking for, like, something invisible? Possibly. I'm open to that. Okay. Then I... Can I cast Conjure Animals, and I conjure eight swarms of insects? Yes.

to fill the room. Okay. And see if, like, they cannot occupy a space. Okay. So you're just trying to fill the room with insects. Yeah, they're like, I'm using them as, like, I don't know, sonar. Okay, yeah. You're able to conjure swarms of insects that fill the room. Everyone keep your mouth closed. Are they flying or crawling? I think one of them was, I can conjure flies. Okay. They're, like, kicking sand up in the air and getting...

It's getting everywhere. Yeah, make sure you keep your mouths closed. And they seems like they fill the entire volume of the room, you know, so it's like

Wall to wall, wall to door, insects everywhere. There is no vacuum of space they're not filling. This is like Temple of Doom. It is. We are going to die. Not that you can tell. No, there are insects filling every spare cubic inch of this room. I hate this. Yeah, it's that kind of... I think I made the situation worse. Question for the group. Yes. Do you think Dr. Ahem would know what to do in this situation? We do have that sending stone. Okay. Psycho-friend. We could give him a...

a good kid, we could phone a friend. This is the point of the escape room where we're like, we need help with this puzzle. That's right. Yeah, let's do it. We get the one. Unless we want to see what else there is going on in here. The thing is, the only thing I can think of is the

Poem said, "You walk the path of others first. You set foot in, prepare for thirst." Why don't we drink some water? What if we drink and then like maybe... What if we extinguish the fire? I don't know. No, I don't know about that. Oh God, we burnt the parchment. Does anybody remember what it said? It seems like the torch is barely emitting any glow of light at this point. Let's drink some water. I want to drink some water. Do we have any water to drink? Our canteens. If we, I guess, let's all take a sip of our canteens. Yeah, your mouth fills with insects and a little bit of water.

Give me the bugs. No, I make the bugs go to the ceiling. I'm keeping them around. Yeah, you all are able to, you know, plop a little bit of water in Bug, seemingly with nothing happening. Prepare for thirst. Okay, prepare for thirst.

What was the parchment, though? Well, we can't reread it because we burned it. Who did that? The devil lives here in disguise, sorted out through all the lies, make haste before the torchlight dies. Maybe we should just keep continuing fast. Through all the lies. Make haste. But do what fast? Like, get through this room? Like, if we walk forward? It's a big circular room. Did we touch all the walls? Not circular, it's cubic. Cubic.

Can we touch all the walls? I think that's what we... I did... Well, I mean, I didn't touch them all, but I did look at all... Yeah, you can go around. You can... Like, what are you doing? Just, like, taking your hand and touching the walls? See if there's anything that isn't wall. The only thing that's not wall is the door that slammed behind you when you all came into this room, but everything else seems to be... And that's locked. Everything else seems to be, like, solid with scratches. Can I knock on the door and say, Hello? Is one of us the devil? You hear... Again, you hear chuckling in the distance. Are you the devil? No reply.

Is one of us the devil? Nothing. What's your favorite color? Say nothing if you're the devil. Devil says what? Devil says what? Prepare for thirst. I keep going through these poems again. Doubt is not your enemy, nor should it be your friend. I hit start on my game controller and set the game to easy. Prepare for thirst. Search our hearts in every way, but do not play it.

Alright, which one of you people have been lying to us? Who needs to come clean? I haven't bathed in a long time, I'm so sorry. Has anybody else got a lie to tell? I cast Cone of Truth.

I don't have that. I don't have that. I wish I did. Zone of truth. Zone of truth. Maybe something with the knife? Stab the wall. Stab the... I stabbed the wall. Wait, Bart has the knife. Oh. Well, I'm holding it, yeah. Could I look at the knife and see if there's any clues on it? Yeah, you take a look at it, and it seems to be pretty... It's blood. Unextraordinary, yeah. It does have blood on it, but it just...

Seems pretty mundane. There's no, like, writing on it or anything like that? No. And it's hard to tell because at this point the torch just is, like, down to embers. Kind of sniff the blood and using, like, survival skills to see if it's, like, how recent it is and what kind of blood it might be. If we hold it in a certain direction, it'll help us find the Death Star.

Yeah, Gum-Gum gets down on his hands and knees and starts sniffing blood. Lots of flies get into your nose while you're inhaling as well. They're at the ceiling. I said that. What do you want to use for that? Survival. Like it's, you know, for hunting wild game. Like a survival check? Yeah. Yeah, make a survival check. 14. Like, and how recent the blood is? The blood doesn't smell like the blood of any creature you've encountered before. And is it wet? How recent? It seems very dry. Was this the room you knew would break us? Yeah.

Through all the lies, maybe we lie on the ground. And it says prepared to thirst. Where's that lie? Mud lays down on the ground. I lie on the ground. I lie on the ground. I lie on the ground as well. All four of you lay down. And again, you hear pained screams in the distance. Pained screams, but not giggling? Or both? You just heard screams this time.

Is this torch we're holding, can we, by any chance, relight it, or is it just, like, one charge and done? You can try, but it seems like, you know, whatever is on it, fueling it, is quickly exhausting.

This is through all the lies. I feel like this is the point where I ask you guys to give us a hint to progress this story. Anything, anything. I'm having fun. Wait, did we, did the stone of whatever, did we end up? No, we didn't use it yet. Could I use my sending stone to call Dr. Rahim? Yeah, what's the restriction on it? You can send a message up to 25 words. Was that it? Oh, I didn't know those were limitations.

I knew there was an amount of uses. I know you could use it once per long rest, I think, or once per day. I don't know if it's going to help us, y'all. Can I pour some water on the ground? We're just trying everything. All right, I'm looking at the sending stone first. Let's do one thing at a time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, 25 words or less. You have to tell me the 25 words part. What do you guys think we should say? Could I just say, need help? Let me write this down. Need help. And then I read out the... Poem.

The parchment? Should I read the poem from the door or the poem from the parchment? You could probably read both. The one that we found in the parchment is only 14 words. Wait, I think. Oh, no, no, never mind. It was... How many words? Oh, sorry. Yeah, I think it's too many. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15...

16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22. That's enough. That was perfect. So do you want to send an additional three words? Well, I said need help plus that. Need help, and then read to me what that is. The devil lives here in disguise, sorted out through all the lies. Make haste before the torchlight dies. Okay, and that's what you sent, Barb.

Yeah. Okay. You, uh, you know, you send that off. This is your first time using... No, no, you used the sending stone already when you were there. Your second time using the sending stone. And you send off a message after a couple of seconds. Actually, how does it work? Is only Bart here or is everyone here? Let me double check. Is that on speakerphone, Bart?

I cut my hands around the sending stone to make it echo louder. The creature hears the message. So Dr. Ahem hears it in his mind, and then it knows that you can answer. So then it sends its answer back to you in your mind. So only you hear it, Bart. Do you want me to read it to everyone, or do you want me to send it to you privately? You can send it to me, and I will read it. What if she's lying? What if she's the devil in disguise? If this doesn't work for an instance. That's a good call. Yay. Yay.

Okay, guys, I'm telepathically communicating with Dr. Ahem, and he says, when you have eliminated all which is impossible, then whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. More riddles? Thanks, Dr. Ahem. All that is possible. I try the door. So you're no longer laying down. You stand up and walk to the door and try to open it? Sure. It swings open. No.

None of us tried the door. I walked through. I walked through as well. Did we not? Everyone disappears from this room and then reappears back at the center of the nexus of all the different bridges, and you have a feeling of warmth.

rolling over all of you. I take the knife and I stab Gus. Mud is like, huzzah! We're like covered in bugs and lying on the ground with blood. Thump, thump, thump, thump. The bridge begins to vibrate and pulse louder and louder until the bridge collapses beneath you. But instead of a stomach-lurching tree fall, you instead find yourselves floating and drifting downward like feathers through a warm, rosy mist.

Have we found the area of the monolith? Should I just reach inside the heart thing?

I don't know what you mean by that part. Which one's your fake arm? It's my right arm. We're trying to find the ruby colored tear. Yeah. Is that with the monolith? Well, we originally approached this monolith and it had the two holes and then we got transported and now we're back to where we're at that monolith. But now it's one hole shaped like a heart that is meeting in resonance with Kyborg's fake arm. I'll just reach inside, yeah? Yeah. Do it. Okay. I reach inside the heart-shaped hole.

Qyborg, you reach inside and your hand finds a brilliant ruby red gemstone. You pull it out of the chamber and the monolith dissolves before you. At the same time, the blood moon overhead fades back to a luminescent white. You look down at the ruby gemstone. It's in the shape of a tear, no bigger than a grape.

You feel your right arm tingling with warmth, and at once a small tear-shaped cavity appears on your prosthetic bicep. Then I put the ruby, tear-shaped ruby gemstone into the tear-shaped hole in my arm. And he says, fine, I'll do it myself. The gemstone fits perfectly inside the hole, and you feel a heartbeat thump throughout your body like a drum. And in an instant, you see your parents and your sister standing before you. Their bodies are misty and reddish like rose-colored ghosts.

All three of them beaming at you and you think you spot a tear in your mother's eye. We couldn't be prouder of you, little Kai. We always have been and we always will be. She turns to look at the rest of you. Thank you for watching over Kaidelius and being there for him through thick and thin. It's clear the four of you have a special bond. And she looks back at Kaiborg. We love you, Kai. We never left.

We will always be right here. She reaches out and touches your chest, and with that, the three of them melt away into the snow. I try to hide my tears from the rest of the team. There's a snowflake in the eye. Yeah, okay. Guys, I'm going to go for a quick walk. I'm going to just go over here real quick. And that's it for this episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon. Thanks for listening along with this door-filled...

puzzle of an episode. If you understand anything of what just happened and have insight to tell us what you think what just occurred, go to our subreddit. We now have a subreddit that now you guys can give us all of your theories and help us out. So head on over. What's the subreddit? I don't know. It's like StinkyDragonPod or something like that. StinkyDragonPodcast. So reddit.com slash r slash StinkyDragonPodcast. Yeah. Would love that to be a kind of a, since we haven't had to like a

a direct way to communicate with the audience, that'd be great. We've also got social media at StinkyDragonPod and we'll post some pictures on social media. One of our listeners, FruitBat, sent in like a handmade wooden DM screen that's like got a StinkyDragon logo and

drinks and initials carved on it. It's really, really cool. We'll take some photos and put that on social media. So thank you, Fruitbat. San Diego? Why is the SD? Oh, stinky dragon. Okay, got it, got it, got it. Very good. We got a nice little note too. I'll share that with you guys. Oh, it's got like the wax dollop of things. A seal. Yeah. But that's it. We'll be back again next week with another episode and that's about all. Thanks, everyone. Bye. Thanks, everyone. Bye.