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This podcast is supported by FX's English Teacher, a new comedy from executive producers of What We Do in the Shadows and Baskets. English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job, while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.
This is a Rooster Teeth production. Salutations to all you Solars! Fly on in to the Stinky Dragon, drink up our latest dram, Slay on Target. It's a mixture of searing Sunny D, magic-resistant rum, and angelic arrow amaretto. Just make sure you sip slowly on this celestial sauce, or else you might be needing a designated wingman.
Previously, our adventurers were reunited with an Urbloom ally, Meld Manor. Back from the future, Meld delivers some dire news to Qyborg about Entropa and an axis of evil called the Tetragogs. Next, the party visited the Temple of Dia to learn more about the Diajams from Pastor Ocean, but were first met with a squadron of squadrones set from Quadron.
But one silver lining it seems is that Boulder Ray has a new mayor, Brink Tussler. Fold your feathers and stow your bows because it's time for a stinky show. All hail Brink Tussler. All hail Mayor Tussler, our favorite Brink. Best friend of the infinites.
He does seem like he likes us. Not to like break the fourth wall, but like I think Texas could do worse than voting Eric Bedore as our governor. I want Eric Bedore as our governor. I would love Eric Bedore to run in some type of politics. Just give him a month. Because he's a no BS kind of attitude. That's very true. Eric Bedore, of course, the voice for Brink Tussler for the uninitiated listeners. There's really no acting involved. It sounds just like how he would deliver normal documents.
Yeah, and I think Blaine's relationship with Eric is very similar to that of Kyborg and Brink. Best friends. Best friends. Yeah, yeah. You'd like to think so. What are we doing? Well, you know, this is episode 55 of Tales from the Stinky Dragon. In order to commemorate episode 55...
Tales from the Stinky Dragon. Everyone make a constitution check. All right. Check or save? Check. Including people listening. And by that day, you need to go tell your friend and leave us a review. Yeah. I haven't rolled that dice in a while. 17 for Bart. Almost the same thing, but just seven. 20. 11.
Why are we rolling constitution? Is it worth a lucky? Gum Gum did a save. You said constitution save, didn't he? Constitution check. Did you say save or check? Check. Do you notice what all the other ones say? Can you look at all the other three rolls? What'd they say? So you need to subtract probably some stuff. So mine's 17. Okay, so we got Mud with a 7, Bart with a 17, Gum Gum with a 17, and Kyborg with an 11. Mud has dysentery. Okay.
Well, close. You see, Mud, you passed out after the first sip of your drink and missed out on most of the party last night. In fact, you're still passed out. Mud doesn't drink. So I think Mud actually like faked it and went upstairs to be alone and away from everybody. Maybe you over-caffeinated. You got a little too jittery. Yeah, that's more in line. You got heart palpitations. Or maybe you picked up someone else's drink accidentally and drank someone's. Well, and then immediately spit out and go, ew, no, and left. And then passed out.
And now he's still sick from the one mistaken sip. Kyborg, you were able to guzzle down a few beverages, but unable to keep them down. You hurled them up and now your head is spinning and your clothes are stinky. That sounds pretty accurate to me in real life. Uh-oh, stinky.
Bart and Gum Gum, both of you got a 17. You knocked a fair few back, and you both even won a drinking contest against a local Goliath named Tic Tac. But then you promptly engulfed a bucket of water. You wake up without a headache, but your bladder is about to burst, both of you. Mm.
Good thing I wear this diaper. I need that to be said in Bart's voice. Good thing I wear this diaper, just in case. There it is. My depends. Could Gum-Gum run to the window? No, Gum-Gum knows where a toilet is. He's a simple boy, but he knows where the loo is. Someone walking outside going, la-la-la-la.
Well, speaking of a window, you all look around and realize you're still in the Throne Gauntlet Tavern, along with the rest of Volderay, it would seem. Several passed out patrons are snoring atop tables, booths, and the bar.
Someone clears their throat, but you're unable to find the source. I thought that was real. Yeah, I was like, I don't know, I guess it's really clear. All you see are closed eyes and drooling faces. Dr. Ahem, yes? You look up and you see Dr. Ahem sitting atop a wooden chandelier slowly swaying back and forth. How'd he get up there? I might have gotten carried away last night, quite literally.
I'm not sure how I got all the way up here, but would someone mind helping me down, please? I could guarantee you, uh, I did not do that. I think I did. I can take aim at the chain, holding up that thing, and then, uh, fire at it to…
Lower him down. Aren't you passed out? Oh, no, no, no. I'm awake. I'm soberish. You're vomiting. I was vomiting. I'm done with that now. I can fire an abo and arrow at Dr. Ahem to get him down. I feel like we could also just... I could get on Gum Gum's shoulders and help him down that way. I can fire an abo.
You'll tell me. It's up to you guys. There are ways to solve things other than shooting arrows at them. When your only tool is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail. I shoot a bow and arrow at the thing holding this. All right, make an attack roll. Oh, my God. 23. All right, yeah, you hit it. Go ahead and roll damage. You're going to hurt him, dude. Can I try and get underneath it and try and catch it? Yes, make a dexterity check, Gum-Gum. Thank you, Gum-Gum. And Kaibor, you're welcome. Oh, that was a one.
You slam into him instead of catching him. Yeah, Kyborg looses an arrow that strikes the rope holding up the chandelier perfectly, severing it, dropping both the chandelier and Dr. Ahem to the ground. Gum-Gum darts out, quickly trying to catch Dr. Ahem, but misjudges and Dr. Ahem falls on Gum-Gum's head, knocking them both to the floor. Gum-Gum, you take...
Well, yeah, there's gonna be damage. Gum Gum, you take four points of damage from Dr. Ahem falling on you. Nice catch! So wait, did I break his pole? You did. Okay. If we have been either passed out or went to sleep, do we get a long rest? Oh, yeah. Everyone gets a long rest except for Mud, because your constitution check was not very good. I'm sober! Aww.
It doesn't matter. You took an accidental sip of someone's drink. It did not sit well with you. So what do I get? Nothing. You didn't get any rest last night. Oh. Mud goes back to bed. You're all going to have to deal with this. I'm making a character choice. I didn't get a sleep last night. I'm going to bed. You guys deal with whatever's happened today with the Diagems without me. I got him. Someone's grumpy in the morning.
Half their health right now and I'm worried about what's happening for the rest of the day so it's a nice
It's a nap. Could I... Am I near Mud right now? Yeah, you all are still in the common area of the throne goblin. Could I cast Cure Wounds on him? Yeah, maybe that'll stop his whiny mouth. Maybe. Can I come up behind him and start massaging his shoulders? Sure. Like, really? There you go, bud. Make a medicine check, Gum-Gum. Mud turns into something that can get away from Gum-Gum. I'm going to dip an arrow into a healing potion and shoot it at him.
You get 16 points of health back from me. Oh, wow. What level did you... I did it at the third level. Oh, okay. And you get an extra one point back from a therapeutic massage from Gum Gum. What about my healing arrow? No, you're not shooting an arrow at me. So you had 17. If you start shooting things at me, I will start shooting things at you. No, this would be a healing shot.
No, no, I won't shoot anything, but I do want to ask, does that exist? Could you shoot? Do healing arrows exist? I'm sure someone's probably homebrewed something like that. I'm sure if you wanted to, we could work out something. Listeners at home, if you want to make a homebrew thing and submit it to Tales from Stinky Dragon at StinkyDragonPod. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, like come up with some healing arrows or something or a quiver or something.
That makes healing arrows. That's- oh, that sounds so much fun. I cast Goodberry and heal myself the rest of the way up. I'm at full health. I don't have all my spell slots, but I at least have health. Can I have a berry? No, I ate them all. I haven't had breakfast yet. Can I have a berry? No. I cast Poison Spray.
He's a skunk! Mud's hissing in the corner, eating berries like an animal. Mud's gone full feral, and if you approach me anymore, I'm going to conjure animals on top of you. Micah just pointed out that he actually did create a bow that could cause healing in Pious Pass. Really? Yeah, the brew bow.
And I just didn't buy it then there was it was in in the shop. I think gum gum broke sounds like your problem Sorry, yeah, no, it's you guys problems. I could have been a support character, but that's fine. I'll just shoot me for all right I would step on your before and I start giving I start giving part of a massage to
Even though I'm at full HP. Anybody else just feel heat coming from like the pop filter in the mic because like there's no AC here. So I can just feel my hot breath. Oh, it's so hot. The air condition is broken. Breaking the fourth wall. The air condition is broken in the room. You can keep this in or cut it out. I'm just saying like we're recording it right now. I can actually feel like my face is getting warm. I'm really glad I wore a hoodie today. I know. What are you doing? Because it's usually
Dr. Ahem pipes up and says, Ah, thank you, Gum-Gum. Now, where did my wheelie chair run off to? I got it. No, you don't. Just then, Meld and Duncan walk out from the kitchen, sipping on coffee. Duncan lifts onto the bar a pitcher of freshly brewed black coffee as large as his red scaly body. Meld comes out from behind the bar, rolling a familiar chair. Huh?
Perfect timing, Meld. Thank you. Hey Doc, Meld was just filling me in on the conversation you both had last night. Sounds groundbreaking. Hmm... a conversa- Oh right! Yes, of course! I've had Adnan and Dant working on that all night. In fact, they're probably waiting for us in the lab as we speak. In to- I mean, in for night! Sorry. Meld and I have a surprise for you all.
It sounds so weird hearing that. I think it sounds just right. Long overdue. I do feel bad, though. Atten and Dant are robots, but I feel like they should have been invited to the party. It's pretty sad that they didn't get a... They're busy working. They're happiest when they're hard at work. They should unionize. Kyborg feels connected to him because he's part robot. I like that our first official... The first thing we did as Infinite was break the bar's chandelier.
Why did you say "we"? Yeah, "we". All of us collectively sharing the responsibility, that's right. I mean, we are... Yeah, it was what happened. No, I... That's what happens when you're a team. Everything you do is together. Uh, Dr. Ahem looks around and says, "Oh, shh, shh, shh. We should probably be quiet." He points over in the corner and you see a slumbering goliath. He says, "We don't want to wake up Tic Tac." Tic Tac? Is the drunk the local drinking master? The one that you beat the drinking game with.
Uh, why, why, why shouldn't we want to wake him? You know, it's like the old saying goes, never wake a sleeping Goliath.
I don't like that laugh. I don't know what that was. That was me laughing. I'd like to strike that laugh from the record. That made me laugh, but then I tried to keep it in character. Can we just take that and repeat it over and over again? That'll be our laugh track for the show. Just sample it for the next track he makes. It's a nice rhythm. Hey, hey.
Well, now I want to hear everyone's laughing character. I don't know if I can laugh as much as forced through the prompt. Yeah, how do you do a laugh with an accent? It's just... There's no accent to your laugh. There's no accent. I went right to it too. I was thinking the only one I could think of where there's an accent. No, no, no.
What happens next? Oh, it's- it's- be quiet. Uh... Should we roll for stealth? That's up to you guys. What are you gonna do? Oh, oh, oh! I wanna get a pot of water from the kitchen. I quickly- I quickly and quietly head to the door. I don't care what he's about to say. And put T-Tac's hand inside of him. I'm- I'm heading to the door. I'm heading to the door. Mutt's heading to the door. Kyborg's heading to the kitchen. Gum-Gum and, uh, Bart, what are you two up to? What are we up to?
Well, I guess, like, what's our next mission? What do we got to do? Go to Anandak P's bed. Dr. Ahem is making his way to the door along with Mel. Okay, I want to grab a quick cup of coffee. Yeah, go for it. And then run to the door. Is there a to-go cup in here?
Duncan offers you one of the regular mugs in the barn. Yeah, take it. I know where you live. What's a medieval to-go cup? I just need a sippy cup so I don't spill. Is this like a filler episode where we get to remodel our rooms at Empire Headquarters? No, I'm sure there's actually plenty of things we should have been doing already. Oh, there's a lot to be done. You guys are just messing around. Okay, I also want to take a coffee. Do we have time for me to put his hand into a big thing? Sure, why not? You're going to have to make a...
Stealth check. Go do a stealth and a sleight of hand check for me. I'm following Bart, by the way. Okay. That's a 12. Are you getting coffee too? I don't think I'm allowed to get coffee. That's up to you. A dexterous is a Goliath. What?
What happens to Gum-Gum when he drinks coffee? Okay, yeah, you manage to quietly move around and get your tub of warm water, I presume. Okay, and here's a sleight of hand. That's a 21. Ooh, you sleight his hand into that warm container of water. You chuckle to yourself, and then I presume you head to the door? I leave. I briskly walk with my coffee.
If I'm allowed to have coffee, Gum Gum will have some. Who wouldn't allow you from having coffee? I do, because he's too young. He's a little boy. You're too busy dealing with Teak Tech's hand. You can't stop him. I'll let him. Here, how about I get a cup of coffee and I let Gum Gum smell it? Okay. Speaking of age, how old are you, Bart? I never thought about that. Bart doesn't give away his age. Bart doesn't give away his age. I'm 16 now, by the way. Old enough. You're
You're 16 now? You had a birthday? I thought you were 15. I think I went up a birthday. I think. We missed the episode where we celebrated. He's heading puberty. We forgot to celebrate Gum Gum's birthday. I forgot too. That was a whole episode arc. We'll have to have a one shot for that. Goodbye.
Gum Gum's birthday. Gum Gum's birthday heist. Alright. You all make your way up to Infinite HQ via the boulderway ramps and eventually head down to Dr. Ahem's lab. You walk through the door and a thick layer of humidity sweeps over you. In the back you see a long table with a wooden planter filled with moist soil and familiar purple petaled flowers. Deja violets.
About ten feet above the table, you spot Atten and Dat leaning over a catwalk, drizzling water onto the flowers. Dr. Ahem explains. Last night, Meld and I were discussing what fortuitous times we find ourselves in with Entropa and these Tetragogs. It seems we are headed for an apocalyptic future, but we don't have enough answers to make a plan of attack. So, first, we must ask the right questions. And
And to do that, we must look to the past. Dr. Ahem rolls his chair toward the back of the room. Meld was kind enough to provide a small sampling of these flowers that we've been propagating. He reaches under the table. You all make your way up to Infinite HQ via the boulderway ramps and eventually head down to Dr. Ahem's lab. You walk through the door and a thick layer of humidity sweeps over you. What? In the back, you see long table with wooden planters filled with moist soil and familiar purple petal flowers. Sigh.
Right. Sorry about that. Still waking up, it seems. Guys, Gus is broken. Would one of you spellcasters mind reaching underneath the table for that bowl? Yes. Uh, can I do it? What are you gonna do? I'm reaching for the bowl? Yeah. Oh, just like physically. You all make your way up to Infinite HQ via the boulderway ramps and eventually head down to Dr. Ahem's lab.
You walk through the door and a thick layer of humidity sweeps over you. In the back, you see a long table with a wooden planter filled with moist soil and familiar purple petal flowers. Once again, if a spellcaster wouldn't mind reaching under the table. Mage hand. Yes, that's what I was...
Barbara and I have been having a conversation over the table. The ellipse. Mage hand. What? All right, so what do you do? You cast mage hand there, Bart? Yeah, to reach under the table to grab the bowl. Sure, you cast mage hand and sit it underneath the table. It grabs a terracotta pot and brings it back to you. It looks to be filled with dirt and small purple pips. Thank you, Bart.
As you know, Deja Violets are unique flowers that are naturally saturated with chronomancy. As such, they don't just grow like most flowers, they also shrink.
After they have fully bloomed as flowers, they eventually shrink back to seeds. You all can see the bowl here. Don't worry though, their potency is quite limited as seeds. You can touch them. These seeds have been fertilized in a compost derived from the same roots I used for the dreamery experiment. Like the dreamery, they will allow you to visit the past without altering it.
But the seeds are less invasive and temperamental than my lab equipment. Plus, they should allow you to be yourselves whilst in this déjà-dreamery.
Kyborg, you know more about Quadrin than any of us. That's why the four of you need to visit every memory Kyborg has surrounding Quadrin. Perhaps you will find a clue in the past as to where Quadrin is hiding and how to defeat him. Meld his offer to stay here with me to help with some other experiments and protect the four of you whilst you're in the past. To enter the Deja Dreamery, the host,
Kyborg needs to put a seed in his mouth. Then, Kyborg, you must focus solely on your memories of Quadrin. Chanting a mantra can help.
Next, all four of you need to touch Kyborg. And finally, when you're ready, Kyborg swallows the seed. Dr. Ahem pulls out a seed and holds it in front of you, Kyborg. Okay, I hold the seed in my hand and say, guys, you're about to witness a pretty gruesome backstory about how I became who I am. The antihero you know and love. Ooh, antihero. Are you admitting you're an antihero? I am. I mean, love's a strong word when it comes to you. You admire, adore. So.
So hold on to your butts because things are about to get pretty crazy. And then I pop the seed up into the air and I catch it. Bart holds on to Gum Gum's butt. I was going to say Gum Gum grabs hold of the others. No, like one hand on mud, one hand on Bart. We're all cheek to cheek. Yeah. Do you swallow that seed, Kyborg?
I sure do. Oh, wait, really? Was he supposed to? You only said put it in his mouth. No, and swallow. Yeah, yeah. It's like a watermelon seed. He wasn't supposed to swallow it. And I gulp it. Also, can I have a... I look at mud. Can I have three gold pieces? Ha ha ha!
Oh, now you want to be on my good side. Yeah. Hey, the last time he used that ability, it was to help you by causing an explosion right next to you. He needs three gold to refill his cannon. My hand cannon. Oh. Because I saved your life with it, remember? No, you didn't. Yeah, that one robot was going to attack you, and I saved your life. You blew up a robot in front of my face, and it brought me down like a lot of hell. Are you dead? No.
And then you shot at Dr. Ahem while he was up on the chandelier. Is he dead? Dr. Ahem, are you dead? That is not... I don't remember. Give me a seed. We will go into my memory. Oh, if you want to grab an axe, Kyborg, you're at the Infinite HQ. There would be like an armory of mundane weapons. Yeah, I'll grab a... Yeah, gum gum. I know you had mentioned that in a previous episode. I get a battle axe and a shield.
Sure. That's not like crazy expensive or anything. Yeah, you can just... Yeah, you can have it. Actually, I want to hound doctor at home for some money. I need money for my hand cannon. I just paid you. I gave you all the money I had. Like...
Two episodes ago. Yeah, we spent it on, I got this hand cannon from that. I need more. I need three gold pieces. I can give you three gold pieces, but I need collateral. Money, please. You need collateral? I need collateral. Yeah, it's called your badger that I gave you. I've already paid that back in surplus at this point. And you know what? I'll give you three gold pieces. Thank you, Bart. She just wants to get this moving. Dr. Aham says, here, I'll take the three gold and replenish your hand cannon equipment.
All right. And then I hand it back. Yeah. And then now I have gunpowder and a pellet thing to shoot. There you go. You've probably given Dr. Ahem to open up a predatory lending business as a side hustle. Oh, God. After this. All right. So do you swallow that seed? Sure do. Gulp. Mmm, yum, yum. Kyborg's heartbeat suddenly fills everyone's ears like a pounding drum. Dump, dump.
Dum-dum. Dum-dum. Your surroundings blur past you, swirling into a soup of colors, shapes, sounds, and smells. It feels like the world around you is expanding in every direction until everything slows down to a halt. Everyone go ahead and roll me a perception check. I think K-Burg has an arrhythmia. Is that 10 for Gum-Gum? I'm lucky, so I'm rolling again. 23. I got a 4. 19. Which is a 1 plus 3. All right, so we got...
a 4 for kyborg a 10 for gum gum a 23 for mud and a 19 for bart is that correct correct uh we'll start with kyborg just in universe i'm i'm very overwhelmed because i know i'm about to have to face my demons that's why i rolled so bad yeah you're you're worried about facing your demons and when your eyes come back into focus you realize you're face to face with some toys on the floor and you can't take your eyes off of them
The urge to play with him is intense and it's all consuming. It's all you can do to fight it off. Gum Gum, you take a look around and it appears you're in a spacious, fairly frigid bedroom. The room has wood floors and walls with thatched pointed roof overhead.
and... barked. Besides the toys on the floor, the room is furnished with a bed, dresser, chest, and a rope made of bed sheets tied to the windowsill. Maybe to climb down like a makeshift rope? One would assume. Mud. Beyond the door, you hear footsteps in the distance, getting closer and closer. Uh, can I look down at my body? Yeah, you look down, and you still have all of your equipment and everything on you, except...
You're much smaller than you normally are. I knew it. I started, as soon as you started describing that, I was singing in my head like, Stinky babies, let's make our dreams come true. So are we all- We're tiny! Everybody, we're tiny! Are we all seeing through Kyborg baby or Kybaby? You all can see each other, so it's clear that you all are present here.
Are we smaller versions of ourselves or baby versions of ourselves? You all look to be much smaller. If you want to make a perception check, I can try to give you an idea. I will do that. Mind if I roll some too? Go for it. Oh, there we go. 21. Micah has dubbed you the infant knights. Oh my God. Just a 10 for Bart. A nine for Gum Gum Missus.
And was that a 21 for Kyborg? Is there? I'll say, Gum Gum, it looks like everyone's been struck by a shrink ray. Bart and Kyborg, it looks to you like everyone's much younger, like toddler-aged versions of yourselves. Okay. But yeah, everyone still has all of their equipment. It's just been shrunken down. And abilities and everything like that? You don't know. Is my arm still gone? Or am I in my body, like in my memories, like the infant version of me? You are the younger version of yourself. Your arm is still intact. Okay. What about you?
But I'm so shredded. I got the biggest baby six pack you've ever seen. Yeah, you're like a toddler with just... I'm sure you've seen that video on the internet of that little kid who like lifts weights and just has like a six pack. He's doing pull-ups on his crib. Boy, I love having both arms. Woohoo! Oh, quick.
Gum gum, Khyber's got too many arms. Oh my goodness. The footsteps seem to be getting closer and closer on the other side of the door. I hide under a bed. You lift up the covers and look under the bed, and there's a young elven girl hiding under there.
Go away. Hide somewhere else. Uh, I turn into a little baby frog. Oh. Yeah. Uh, Mud turns into a little frog. I cast invisibility on myself. Okay. Bart, you just get advantage on stealth checks. Okay. Bart pops out of existence. I go into a corner as a little frog. Okay. Uh.
What's in the room to hide? There's toys on the floor. There's a bed. There's a dresser. There's a chest. There's the door. Can I get it in the chest? Yeah. You go and open up the chest, and inside is a dead bird, a small stone, a ratty string made of twine, and a bundle of sticks. Shouldn't there be two dead birds if there's one stone in there? And I... Four people just went, pointed a finger and nodded at me. I couldn't muster a chuckle. Sorry. I take the...
go in, open it, take the dead bird out, throw it out into the middle of the room and get in. Okay. Kyborg, do you see where you're hiding? Uh, I see
You remember this room. You know the best hiding places. Yeah, then I go to that one. You know the one. I remember a floorboard loose, and I go inside under the floor. Okay, Kyborg's having trouble concentrating. He's too distracted by the toys. They're just so cool. Everyone go ahead and make me a stealth check. Bart, you roll twice. Do you have advantage? Yeah.
I don't get any advantage as a little froggy? No. 11. 13. 13. Nat 20 plus 10 is 30. Lord, good grief. Bart may never be found again. I'm like that picture in Back to the Future fading away. Yeah. You hear a pounding on the door. Knock, knock, knock. Who's there? Hi.
- All right, roll your stealth check again, Gum-Gum. You have disadvantage now. - Oh no. I don't wait to see who comes in. - That's a 12. Do you want me to roll again? - No, I'm just gonna use it with your other one. - Okay. - The 13 and 12, you got 12. A husky voice comes from the other side of the door. - I know you're in there. You can't hide, children. Not this time. - The door handle jiggles. - Ah, locking the door. Quite clever.
But cleverness won't save you now. Boom! The door slams open and charging into the room is a broad-shouldered elf with long silvery hair and a toothy grin. He's looking around the room. Ah, I gotcha! The brawny elf finds all of you and sweeps you all up into his arms and spins you all around in the air like a ragdoll. After a few revolutions around the room, he lowers you all back to the ground and says, Will, aren't you going to introduce me to your friends, little guy? Oh!
This is my dad. Can I perceive this is my dad? It's your dad. It's my dad! Oh, I bet he's got the coolest voice actor too. Someone with a really cool voice. Seeing all this happen, Bart realizes he didn't get picked up because he's invisible. And he, a little single tear comes down his side. That's what you get for hiding too good, Bart. Gum Gum's having a really fun time. Is this a game? Uh.
Uh, yeah, it seems like maybe like a game of hide and go seek. Yeah. Okay. You sure did get me, Dad. You're the best ever. I hope you never die. This one... This guy's Mud. He's great. He's a shapeshifter. He's a frog. Say hi, Mud. Hello. No, you're supposed to go Ribbit. Ribbit. Yeah! There's a Scottish frog? Ribbit. It's a Scottish frog. This is Gum Gum. Hi. Are you my dad? No, he's not. Are we brothers? No, no, no, no.
Are you my dad? I'm asking him. He laughs and musses your hair. Is that a yes? That wasn't a no. And then the sneaky one that you didn't catch, that's Bart. Bart snaps back out of existence and goes, Hey! Hey, Papa! Whoa, how'd you get here? He jumps. He looks a little, like, genuinely surprised. Well, it is an honor to meet any friend of Little Kai and Carry Onna.
I'm Sebastian, but you can call me Seb. Can I call you dad? You can call me Seb. Okay. Kariana also, by the way, came out from under the bed. You hear a door open downstairs and a soft voice call out. Anybody home? Seb, I've caught dinner. We're up here, Kristalina. Be right down. Come on, let's go help your mom with dinner.
*Gasp* Mom! Cydelius' dad, Seb, leads you all downstairs to a dining lounge with a lengthy table and benches. Carrying a large black furred creature on her back is a fearsome looking elf with fiery red hair and wearing grey war paint. She heaves the black beast onto the table with a thud.
Its many tails and legs dangle off the sides of the table. The red-haired elf turns to you all. Oh, and who are these little ones? Just went through this with Dad, but I'll go real quick. This is Mud, this is Gum-Gum, and this is Bart. Hello, ma'am. Welcome to our home. You have a beautiful home. Thank you. So polite. I'm Kristalina.
I hope you'll all stay for dinner. Okay. What was for dinner? Uh, she points at the beast on the table, and while this is going on, Kariana comes up behind you, Kyborg, and she gives you a noogie. Good job, Kydork. You got us all caught. Well, we all have a new nickname for Kyborg. Kydork. Uh, I try to counter the attack and give a reverse noogie to her. Roll for initiative!
Seb asks Bart, Gum Gum, and Mud to help him dress and clean the fresh kill that's on the table. Okay. What do you want it to wear? I was about to say, I was like, he starts putting pants on it. He asks, Oh, have you ever cleaned a dead displacer beast before? I can't say I have, sir. Oh, you're going to learn today. Hey, little Kai. You want to help me gather some firewood outside? Oh, you know I'm all about it. I want to hang out with Mom. Caelius and Crystallina grab a pair of hatchets and head out the front door of their house.
Sebastian leads the rest of you out to the side of the house to dress and clean the displacer beast. You take a deep breath of the crisp air and take it all in. You're back home. You're in Everwinter. Everyone go ahead and roll a perception check. It's only a 10. 13. 20. 6. All right, so we've got Mud with a 10, Gum Gum with a 13, Bart with a 20, and Kyborg with a 6. Is that correct? Yeah.
Oh.
Mud, you can see that in the center of town is a statue of Kyborg's mother aiming a bow and arrow towards the woods. It looks like it's been marred with a blackened X across the face. Maybe vandals? I don't like that. Yeah, that's sad. Gum Gum, you have the same perception. You see the same things that Mud does. Bart, from your vantage point, you can see that it looks like there's a weird set of tracks in the snow heading out towards the tree line. They look like handprints.
Handprints. And you follow the handprints, and it looks like they lead deeper into the woods. Hey, guys. I don't want to alarm anyone. It looks like someone might have been crawling into the woods on just their hands. That's just the local. Doing a handstand, maybe. It's the local handstand guy. Oh, Gen Z, you can't understand them. What are they doing for that TikTok? Probably TikTok trend. Yeah. Maybe we should follow it, see what's up. Can I do a check to see if I know what these prints are? Yeah. Let's do a nature check.
It did the thing where it rolled from the nat 20 to 2. I feel like it's about to get really tragic. Well, yes, it's about... You have arms and a family. What happened after that? Crystal looks around. She stops in her tracks, and she motions Cydelius for you to stop as well. She sniffs the air in her eyes narrow. Cydelius.
Get behind me. She suddenly hurls the hatchet in her hand into one of the treetops and hear a crunch of a small mechanized humanoid fall from the tree and crash into the snowy floor, its orange-condescent eyes dim to black. It's a squadron scout. There'll be more. Cydalius, hand me your hatchet and go back to the house. Get my longbow and my quiver and tell your dad. Quadron's coming.
Go, hurry. I hand it to her and then I run as fast as I can. Oh, I'm wiping back tears though as I do it. I assume you get back into the house and you update everyone on what your mom told you. Yes. Okay. Seb says, all right, everyone stay calm. You kids are going to stay inside where it's safe. This isn't a game of hide and seek. This is what you're trained for.
I'll take mom her longbow, but as soon as I leave, lock the door and don't let anyone in until you hear us give the all clear, okay? What's the signal for all clear? Is it just all clear? Yes. Okay. Good to get that clarified. Do we think the Quadrant Squadron might know that too? Hopefully not. You see Seb grab a sword as large as he is, and he picks up Crystal's longbow and then rushes out the front door, slamming it shut. Is the longbow the longbow of triumph? No, because he bought that. Oh.
Uh, we lock the door. Good. Good idea. Smart. Uh, do you have an inspiration die, Bart? I don't. You get an inspiration die. That's a responsible little kid. This worked out well before. Uh, I reinforced the door as well. Chair behind it and such. Good. Can I try and put something in front of the windows? Uh, like what do you have in mind? Uh,
I don't like chairs. Sure, why not? You all begin fortifying a bit. Everyone gets an inspiration die. Is the home, is it, you said downstairs earlier, so it's a two-story home, right? Yeah. So I imagine that my mom, being who she is, trained me in archery, and I probably have a bow, at least a trainer bow. Could I, like, set up a sniper's nest on the roof? Make a perception check. Okay.
11. And just for fun, make me a wisdom check as well. 2 plus 0. Come on. Give me something good. Oh, that's a 1. But I'm lucky. I think it's worth it.
18. With that roll, you remember that the ratty string of twine and the bundle of sticks in the chest that Gum-Gum found were your rudimentary early attempts at creating a bow for yourself. Is that your dead bird? That's some... That's some... Like some pre-serial killer stuff. Yeah. You're right. I know. I'm not ashamed of that. Also, when you're thinking about a bow and what goes into that, you realize that your father did not grab...
The quiver that goes along with your mother's boat. I mean, we are just watching a memory play out, huh? Stakes are kind of low, huh? Stakes are kind of low here. Your sister chimes in and says, Before you get any bright ideas, just remember, I'm the oldest, so I'm in charge. And I say...
Let's kick some animatron butts. Yeah. All right. So we take the quiver and then I try to gather whatever weapons I can. I know that I don't have a bow, but we got to have something in the house. We're a home of warriors. Not to say that you should stockpile weapons, listeners at home. That's not smart. I mean, you know, it's weird. Does he find arrows for his? Yeah. You see the quiver for Crystal's bow. What about other weapons? Even if it's just like kitchen items.
uh yeah i mean you all have your have our weapons yeah you have our equipment you have your longbow oh okay well then in that case uh let's let's go out there throw caution to the wind unlock the door run out there try to help okay i presume you're taking the quiver as well yes absolutely okay so you're giving up the fortification route and you're going to get back the inspiration i'm still inside
Oh, are you going to wait behind? Well, that's what his dad told us to do. If you've got ranged attacks, cover us. But I need to go help my dad. Yeah, who's going out and who's staying in? I'm going out. I'll do whatever you want me to do to save dad. And then I say, brother. And then we do the coolest. I love how everyone kind of looked around for a split second like, who's he talking to? Dad. Dad.
Hey, where's Gumbo? Oh, you have like a tiny little baby Gumbo with you. A little baby badger. Oh.
Yeah, Gumbo and I stay inside. This is a battle for somebody else. It's fine. Just cover us with ranged attacks. Mud and Bart are staying inside. I'm good. Save the head. Gum Gum and Kydelius are going outside. Yeah. Okay. The two of you who run outside, you see your mother pretty quickly, Kydelius, and, you know, she sees you running with the quiver. Thank you, brave one. She quickly dons her quiver, and with astonishing grace, she draws two arrows while backflipping to avoid a bolt that whizzes right past her fiery red hair. Hell yeah.
She lands and fires both arrows into the tree line and two squadrons fall face first into the snow and they explode as they hit the ground. Hmm. Didn't know these were exploding arrows. Oh, she's got exploding arrows. She gives you a little wink. Everyone go ahead and roll initiative.
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Six. Is it worth a lucky three roll? Probably not for initiative. I know. Save it for if you do a bad attack. I just want to jump in there. I want to help. Eleven. Eight. Bart, what's your dexterity? And Gum Gum, what's your dexterity? Eighteen. My dexterity is fourteen. Okay. You both rolled an eleven, so whoever has higher dexterity goes first. That would be me. Yep. I'm more dexterous.
Guys, I'm pretty sure we can pull this off. I think we're going to be able to save my family. Yeah, probably. Yeah, we could totally change the future. All right. So the two of you who are outside, you can see that there are various squadrons in the tree line and slowly working to surround you. And then the two of you in the house can see this from a distance. We'll say you're about 40 feet away from where all the action's going down. One of them gets to move first and take an attack. It's similar to one of those mechanical creatures you encountered in the church.
where it's seeming like an automaton with four appendages that seems to like it has a hand at the end of each appendage. And we'll say it scurries up to Kyborg and it takes a swing at you. It hits a C. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Nine. Ooh!
Strike one. That's a big miss. Okay. That's all it can do. Bart, you see this from a distance. You see one of these creatures scurry up to Kyborg and swing at him. But maybe because Kyborg's extra small, he like dodges out of the way. Could I cast cloud of daggers over that guy? But I'm near him. It's only five foot. Yeah. Okay. Is he within five feet of this? I mean, they're right next to each other, but you could cast it in a way where it wouldn't hit him. Yeah.
I'm very skilled. And your cloud of daggers range is 60 feet, so it would be within range. Yeah. And you said you're at the one that... That's tried to swipe at Kavar, yeah. You just roll damage for that, don't you? I think so. Yeah, so go ahead. It would be 4d4 slashing damage. Oh, gosh. I wore a 1, 1, 1, and 4. Yeesh.
Seven. Seven points of damage. Yikes. That's still not bad. It's better than zero. That's true. You cast Cloud of Daggers, and it feels bizarre casting magic as a child. Nonetheless, you conjure a billow of blades over the squadron, piercing its iron frame again and again. All right, Bart, is that all you want to do? Just Cloud of Daggers? Anything else? That's my action. I guess I could do a command since it's a bonus action, and it's 60 feet range. Could I...
I command that same one I tried to hit to flee. - Yeah. - What you want him to stay though? In the cloud of dragon daggers? - Oh, it's true. I'll just say halt. - Halt. - So it doesn't move or take action. - I believe it gets a wisdom save. Is that correct? - I believe so. Yes. Wisdom 14. - It has a minus one on its wisdom. So let me roll. - Typical. - Oh, I rolled a 14, but with the minus one, that's a 13. - Yeah. - So it fails. It is halted. - Halt. - Halt. I am Reptar. - Is that it for you Bart?
Gum Gum, you're up. Okay, so what can I see as far as enemies? One has come out and is within melee range of Kyborg and is currently in a cloud of daggers. And he's halted. Yeah, he's halted. And there's three others in the perimeter moving around seemingly to flank. Okay, and how far away are the perimeter ones? This one here, these are about, what did I say, 40 feet away? We'll say the ones fanning out to the perimeter we'll say are like 60 feet. Then after Gum Gum is Mud, then Kyborg, just FYI.
Okay. I'm going to rage. So I'll do that first. Okay. Oh, right. Yeah. Yeah. Forget you have the wild magic. Okay.
Okay, that was an eight. A bolt of light shoots from your chest. Another creature of your choice that you can see within 30 feet of you must succeed on a constitution saving throw or take 1d6 radiant damage and be blinded until the start of your next turn. Until your rage ends, you can use this effect again on each of your turns as a bonus action. Gum Gum said, Shazam! Cool. Only one of them's within 30 feet, right? No, none of them are within 30 feet. Except that one was 40 feet away. Oh, the one that was... The one that's attacking Kyborg.
I don't know if it happens instantly. It happens instantly. Yeah. Damn. The only creature within 30 feet of you is Bart. Oh, my God. I can't waste it. Go ahead. No. Well, I'm not going to shoot it apart. Well, you have to. No, no. It says another creature of your choice that you can see within 30 feet of you must. What other creature? Bart is the only creature within 30 feet of you. What would he be facing me? I don't think that matters. It's just you have to see them. Yeah. Oh, okay. Wouldn't Bart be up on an owl balcony kind of behind cover?
Could you move and then do it? No, I think it just happens. It happens. Yeah. As soon as he rages. Whoopsies. All right. So a bright beam of light shoots from Gum Gum's chest straight onto Bart, who must make a constitution saving throw. I'm ready. Get it together, team. Family's life is at stake. DC eight plus your proficiency bonus plus your constitution modifier. So it's eight plus three is 11 plus three. So it's 14 constitution save that you need to make. Oh.
One, I'm lucky, so I do it again. Five. Five. Okay. You hear a weird noise and you turn around to look at Gum-Gum and this giant beam of light just engulfs you like an Iron Man repulsor blast. Oh, God. You take 1d6 radiant damage. I guess you rolled the damage, Gum-Gum.
And you're currently blind until the start of your next turn. GumGum, how could you? I don't know how I could. You're blinded until the start of GumGum's next turn. That's a four. Oh, so I can't. Okay, it's a four, so I take four points? Yes.
Dad would be so disappointed. He sees it. You see him shake his head. Oh, God, this is so embarrassing. I'll have to blind him next. This is supposed to be my horrifying memory. It's like that awkward thing that keeps you up at night. Like when you say something wrong or you have an awkward encounter and you just can't forget it. Oh, yeah.
So there's only one within 40 feet of me. I'm going to sprint into the woods. And we never saw him again. How far if I, because I can go 40 feet. Yeah. Okay. I know what I'm going to do. The area in which they're at, how big of a radius are the three that are in the woods? Like how far apart are they total from each other? We'll say two of them are going in one direction. One of them is going in the other direction. Between them, it's maybe 20 feet.
Okay. Then I'm going to pull out my rain bringer staff. Okay. And I'm going to bring the rain perhaps. He's going to set fire to the rain. Adele would be so proud. And what I'm going to do with that is cast sleet storm. Ooh.
I call upon ice. The great ice wizard has returned. Ice, icy baby. Until the spell ends, freezing rain and sleep falls in a 20-foot tall cylinder with a 40-foot radius centered on a point you choose within range. Areas heavily obscured and exposed to flames are doused. Ground in the area...
It's covered with slick ice, making it difficult terrain. When a creature enters the spells area first time or on a turn or starts its turn, then it must make a dexterity saving throw. When a failed save, it falls prone. Starts its turn in the spells area and is concentrating on a spell. Creature must make a successful constitution saving throw against your spell save DC or lose concentration.
So you've created basically a 40 foot radius of sleet. So it's an 80 foot diameter. So it's pretty much the entire clearing, which is going to encompass all of the enemies. Seb, Crystal, Kyborg. I want to position it so I have 120 foot range. I want to position it so it's just them in the back forest. So it's only the three that are in the forest that you're getting on this. Okay. Okay.
like that i wasn't sure where it was closely when gus was explaining that you could hear a slap that's me hitting my own forehead and i run i run forward as i go forward as much as i can too okay yeah with a range of 150 feet well i just want to go forward anyway okay you close it just so you're in the clearing with kyborg seb and crystal while mud and bart are in the background okay concentrate
So any creature that starts... So anytime they start their turn, they will need to make a dexterity saving throw. Okay. Is that it for you, GumGum? Yeah. Mud, you're up, followed by Kaiborn. We can see these automatons from the window if Bart did that. Yes. Yep.
And there's three of them? Four total. One is engaged in close combat with Cydelius. The other three are in the ridge line. Or sorry, they're trying to flank and they have this sleet storm falling on them. Sleet storm hurts everybody in the sleet storm? No, they can fall prone at the start of their turn.
It makes a difficult terrain. Difficult terrain, and at the start of the turn, they have to make a check or they'll fall prone. Yeah, and the one near Kyborg is in a cloud of daggers, but also can't act on this next turn. It's halted. But I can see the three that are on the ridge. Yes, or I should say they're flanking. Flanking. And which two are closest to each other? The two on the left side. So two of them went left, one of them went right. And how close are the two on the left to each other? To each other? Oh, they're really close. They're like five, ten feet apart from each other. All right, I cast Conjure Animals.
And I conjure two giant octopus. What? Oh my. Okay. Yeah, I'm going with theme. Arms. Arms is a thing. Yeah, okay. How big are they? How big are they? Huge. Their designation is large. Oh, okay. Yeah, I can conjure two of them. And if you're looking at like the grids for Dungeons and Dragons, normally a character takes one little square when you're a medium-sized character. If you're a large character, you take two by two. Oh.
So it takes up four times the amount of space that one of you would take up. Whoa. I want to put one next to those two dunces and then one next to the other guy that's flanking. Okay. Oh, I forgot to say, just for continuity, I turn back into mud with my bonus action and then cast. Gotcha. And the giant octopus with the two homies uses tentacles, which is a melee attack. Let's roll to see if the attack hits. Okay. And then I can explain what happens if it happens. Okay.
I saw a cartoon like this once. That's a 19? You could pick one of the guys. Doesn't matter. It hits. Pick number one or number two. One. Okay. It's this one. Okay. And so first I'm going to roll for damage for that, which is 2d6 plus three. That is nine bludgeoning damage. Okay. And now it is grappled. Okay.
And until this grapple ends, the target is restrained. And the octopus can't use its tentacles on another target. Has a DC 16 escape. Real fast, this octopus needs to make a... God, how does this work? So this octopus is in the sleet storm area. Yeah. But it's an aquatic-based creature. Yes. Does it need to make a Dixie?
check in order to stay upright? It doesn't say that the octopus is due. It says that they can hold their breath for an hour outside of water. Cool. I'll say because it's summoned, it didn't have to move and you summoned it exactly where it needs to be. I specifically summoned it. You could even say I summoned it on top of it. Yeah.
Okay. You're a kaiju master. And so that guy's dude one is grappled, and we're going to go with the same dance with dude number three, who's over there by himself. Yep. Oh, that one only is a seven. So that's probably not going to be it. That's a miss. Okay.
Still, we just learned that you're basically Rita Repulsa summoning giant monsters. I do. I just like summoning monsters. And my creatures grow! Rita Repulsa! Yeah, so then that'll be my turn. Ben points out that we've reached peak anime. Octopus fighting robot creatures in a frozen forest as an elven family tries to protect themselves. We just need to add some...
Is that it for you, Mud? And your octopi family? Yeah. Kyborg, you're up. Okay. This guy is restrained in front of me. He's in a cloud of daggers and he's been halted. So if I were to move, would that open me up to an attack of opportunity? I'm going to say no.
No, because of the command that's on him. Okay, so then I strafe to the side to get some distance from that guy and then try to approach my mother and father. Okay, you forgot how much your mother loved somersaults. She's just like somersaulting like crazy and...
popping up, firing, bursting arrows. The tops of the trees are like, it's like fireworks going off, but, um, deadly fireworks. I wanna do that when I grow up. I wanna be just like you, mama! Uh, alright. So with all that being said, I've moved, I've joined my family, and then I cast Gift of the Chromatic Dragon! Chromatic Infusion! As a bonus action, you can touch a simple or martial weapon and infuse it with one of the following damage types: acid, cold, fire, lightning, or poison. For the next, uh, minute, the weapon deals an extra 1d4 damage
of the chosen type when it hits. You can use this bonus action once per long rest. So that was my bonus action and I choose lightning because I'm assuming that these automatons probably don't like getting electric shocks. Okay. If we're going based off of Pokemon rules, metal does not like lightning. And,
And then I use my longbow of triumph. I ping the dude that is in the cloud of daggers first. Okay, that was the one that had closed the distance and took a swipe at you. Yep. I give him a little bit of taste of that, and that is a 21. That hits. Okay. And I roll damage. It's an eight, but I get an additional 1d4 because of... Gift of the Chromatic Dragon! And that's lightning damage, right? Lightning damage. Just to be clear, steel Pokemon are not weak to electric Pokemon. Ha ha ha!
That's an additional two. And much like Pokemon, it doesn't seem like lightning has any real extra effect on these creatures. Okay. Gus, I'm going to help you out here. Say it's not very effective. You roll your gift to the Chromatic Dragon. It's not very effective. All right, whatever. And then I...
I do like a really sick turn move and it whips up some rad snow and I'm really trying to impress my mom and dad. And you say prepare for trouble. No. Make it double. And then I flip an arrow over to one of the guys that's engaged with the octopus. Make a performance check. Oh, okay. Let's see how cool this really is. It's a minus two, so that's a four. You're still young. I'm still a baby. Oh.
Oh, it's adorable. Roll for cute. Yeah. So then I hit. Let's go for the one that has already taken damage from the giant octopus. Okay. Yeah. It's still grappled with that octopus, but yeah. Okay. That's a 21. That hits. All right. And then I do six, but I'm going to roll. I'm going to roll again. I'm lucky. You can reroll damage. Can I not? No, I can't. I don't think you can. The attack rolled ability check or a saving throw. Yeah.
Plus a d4. That's a 4. The 4 is not very effective. Still hits him. 10 points damage total. And then I already used my bonus action on Chromatic. Seed Gus goes... It hits him, yeah. I like how when Barb was like, oh man, not that much. She's like, better than zero. And then Blaine's like...
I think it's all based on our attitude towards what we're doing. So here's the thing. No, no, no. Action Surge just says you can take one additional action on your turn. This can be used one time per short rest. I used my bonus action Chromatic Dragon. Is Action Surge just its own thing or is that considered a bonus action? Oh, I see. Is Action Surge itself a bonus action?
Yeah. My favorite energy drink, Action Surge. So Action Surge isn't a bonus action. It's considered a fighter class feature, which is separate from actions and bonus actions. Just like Gum Gum's Rage is a barbarian class feature. So even though you've already taken a bonus action, you can still take an Action Surge. Action Surge! Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-d
I just did baby! You managed to keep your footing at least. You don't fall down. And then I shoot my longbow triumph back at the guy in the cloud of daggers.
Just your little son. That's a 21. That hits. Doing 10 points plus 1d4. You don't have to roll that. 4. 14. All right. And you get two attacks per next. That's right. So I'm going to continue. And then I'm going to whip around again. But I'm going to try to do it real cool this time to impress my mom because she's watching me. Really cool. Here we go. Performance check. She's looking at you with expectation in her eyes. It's a three. It's a three. I'm just so cute. Yeah.
And then I shoot the guy that is still grappled by the octopus. Okay. And that is a 30. That's a nat 20. Yeah. So go ahead and roll your damage. And then we're going to add a maximum hit die to that as well. Oh, it already did that in there. So the way I normally do it is I'm going to give you an automatic crit.
So we'll replace that three with the eight. So it's five plus eight is 13 plus five, 18 points of damage. And then the additional D4. You don't have to roll that. Oh, I don't? No. What do you mean? Like you're not counting it? No, the dude's dead. No, no, no. His lightning attacks don't really count.
What? I remember I said they're not very effective. Do I, can I switch it up then? Or is it once I infuse the chromatic energy, is it just stuck? Because I can just do fire. What's the wording on it? As a bonus action, you can touch a simple or martial weapon and infuse it with one of the following... Just answer my own question.
Alright, well, lessons were learned on this day. Alright, now I know Quadrant doesn't care about lightning. If only they were learned the first time. That's the guy who rolls checks for saves. Well, it's not my past we're repeating. It's not my past we're repeating. Alright, well then, fine. Canonically, this is his second time having this encounter. We must learn from our mistakes. Is that it for you, Kyborg?
And then I look at my parents for like, did I do good? And they're like, no. I just dealt a lot of damage. They saw the performances though. Yeah, your father didn't notice it because he was busy, you know, hefting around a sword that's as long as he is. Understood. Deftly vanquishing foes that stand in front of him. So cool. That's so cool.
But your mom offers you a warm smile as she's running past you and says, You're doing great, sweetie. Just keep trying. Okay. Oh, it's the turn of the one that's grappled. First, it's going to make its grapple check. Does it have to make a post grapple check with you? DC 16. DC 16. That's a seven. So it's still grappled. It does not manage to free itself. Does it fall? I don't know if that even matters. No, it would. When you're prone and you're grappled, then they stack on each other. Do they? Yeah. You know what they say? A grapple a day keeps the quadrant away. Okay.
And what's the DC on that? Yeah, it fails its dexterity save and it falls down. So it's grappled, rolling around on the ground, covered by an octopus. A giant octopus. A giant octopus. The other one on the left, it's turned to go. It needs to make a dexterity save. Are you sure we can't have an effect on history?
If you try hard enough. We saved your family. Do it. Save my family, please. This one actually manages to make its dexterity check. So it's still standing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was thinking that. Every time he says it. One of its appendages like pops down in front of it. And you see that has a crossbow in it. And it lets loose a crossbow bolt. Fired at Gum Gum. Okay. It's not hit you yet. It's AC. AC.
20. Now it's hit. So that hits. And I'm concentrating, so I have to make a constitution saving throw, correct? Yes. You're still concentrating? It's not... Well, no, to keep the spell. Yeah, I didn't realize there was a concentration. Okay. So that's a constitution saving throw, right? Yeah. Okay. You should have no problem. I rolled a two, so that's an eight. Yeah, you fail. So the sleet storm dissipates. I use my inspiration die? Yes, you could use an inspiration die for this.
14. What level spell is it? Third level conjuration. Oh, so yeah, you make the save then. You still take... Dad's going to be so proud. 13 points of piercing damage from the crossbow bullet. Oh, but your raging, yeah, so that rounds down, so you take six points. I think my raging ends whenever I cast the spell, though. Oh, does it? Yeah.
Someone's being honest. When you turn all nerdy? Yes, so my raging had to end. So you take the full 13 points of damage and then on top of that the crossbow bolt explodes doing an additional 12 points of fire damage. You actually make a dexterity saving throw to see if you take that or not. Okay, I have advantage on that. That was a four. 18. Oh yeah, so you make it. So you take half of that. So you take six points of the fire damage.
Okay, that was that one's turn. It's now the turn of the other one on the right. This one does the same thing. Wait, did it make its saving throw? Its saving throw?
for the sleet. The sleet went away. No. Oh, right. That's right. You're right. I thought it was gone. It's the other one's turn. It needs to make a saving throw. Thank you. Yes, it made a saving throw. It made a saving throw. It lowers an appendage and looses a crossbow bolt at Cydelius hitting AC 18, which I assume is a hit. No,
No, it's not. 'Cause I'm lucky. And I'm gonna make you reroll that. You can make me reroll? Oh yeah, buddy. You have three luck points for long rest whenever you make an attack roll, an ability check, or a saving throw. Or when an attack roll is made against you, you can spend... I hate 'em. Lucky! Yeah. Yep.
13. Oh, sorry, pal. That's a miss. Yeah, sorry. The shot misses you. Then a second little appendage swings out from that one that aimed at you and takes a reaction shot back at Gum-Gum. Nice.
Not been hit yet. I know. That's him just like seeing it happening and getting ready. That's his anime gif-faz. AC6. It rolled from an 18 to a 6 to a 2 at the last second. That's a miss. That's a miss. All right. I like how DMs are perpetually just trying to hurt us. It's my job. Yeah.
It's back up to the top of the initiative order. It's that first one who's halted in the cloud of daggers. So roll your cloud of daggers damage. All right, here we go. Where are some dangerous babies? Here we go. Here we go. I know. Team Titans. Twelve. Twelve.
- That's better. Wow. - Way better. - Yeah, it's looking pretty cut up. And then does it get an additional save against your command now or is that on your turn? - Yeah, it doesn't get to act basically this time around. - Okay, so then that means after this turn, then it ends. But as of now, this is its turn where it is halting. - Yeah. - What little spell slot is command? - It's not a spell slot, it's at will. - And how many do you have? - As many as I want. - So it's like a cantrip or something or just a trait? - I don't know, 'cause like it's here.
It's a bard class feature, like action search. Yeah. Okay, crazy. Qyborg, you suddenly feel the hairs on your neck stand up. You instinctively scan the horizon and a familiar four-armed silhouette comes into view amongst the frosty trees. Quadrant. Quadrant. In the midst of the combative commotion, he marches straight from the entrance of the village. As he gets closer, you realize he's taller than you remember. Crystallina of Everwindsir.
None of these humanoids need to die. All I require is the map. Oh really? So that's why you've been attacking all these years. Well in that case, come and get it Chrome Dome. In a single move, Quadrant lets loose a blade. He has to make a dexterity saving throw first. It's sleet. Take that, Quadrant! That's too funny. Fine.
Let me roll before I make something cool happen. Oh, please fall. Please fall on his ass. Come on. Oh, no, he makes it. Dang it. That would have been so great. He got a 19. Dang it. Quadrant notices the sleet hailing from above, but quickly brushes past it to the fray of the fight before him.
Okay.
What's he going to do now? One of his appendages locks down, points in the direction of Kyborg and fires. A net made of chain mail shoots out at you guys and falls down, trying to trap you. Kyborg and Gum-Gum, both of you make dexterity saving throws. 11, 12. Is your nemesis Inspector Gadget? He's a piece of...
Poop. Go, go, gadget. Quadrant. Both of you are now trapped under a net made of chain mail. You're currently restrained. You can try to free yourselves on your turn. Could I? Is it my turn? Not yet. Quadrant's going before you. How dare he? Jumped ahead in my initiative. You are next, Bart, however. Quadrant just has to do his four moves that he gets to have. He has a lot of moves. Does he? Is he?
Is it four? Because it's a quadrant. And you see him pull out this double-bladed, duo-headed scimitar arm, and he begins spinning it all around himself wildly. And it's engaging with Seb, who has a much slower-moving broadsword that he's trying to defend himself with.
Bart, it's your turn after Bart is gum gum. I would like to... This might hurt them. I don't know. Could I cast heat metal on the cage that just dropped on them? Yeah. Oh, that's gonna... Ouch. It's touching us, isn't it? Is that gonna hurt them? Oh, it would absolutely hurt them. They are bound by the things you are gonna eat up. I'm finding a trainer! Am I helping? Am I helping? Bartron! Bart's part of the squadron. This quadrant fella...
How much metal is on him? A lot. He's like a construct seemingly made of metal. I would like to cast heat metal on him. Oh. Someone photoshopped a picture of the throne that we posted for the Smarsh's King shirt and they put Grievous on there. And they're like, I put Quadrant on the throne. So you cast heat metal on there? Yes.
So the spell usually calls for constitution saving throw to see if the target drops the metal object. But since quadrant is made of metal, there's no save needed. So you have to roll 2d8 fire damage. I'm going to do it at the third level though. So is that 3d8 fire damage? That would be a 16 on him. 16 points of damage. Yeah. I guess it would help if I put him on here, wouldn't it? Quadrant AC 27 hit points 520.
Uh, alright, where are we? Uh, what else do you want to do, Bart? Can I try to command him? Mr. Quadrant, sir! Uh, yeah, why not? I'll tell him to flee.
Hang it away. You get out of here. You get out of here. Yeah, what do I have to roll a save on that? 14 wisdom. You hear just a robotic laugh emanating from the depths within Quadrant. Oh.
Does that mean he has to flee on us next turn? Sounds like it does. I think he's going to flee. He's just laughing. You don't know what that means. Maybe he's going to laugh and then run. That baby bard scared him away. Baby bard. Took too long for us to get there. We got it. Anything else, Bart? No. All right. Gum, gum, you're up. Then mud, then kybel. I like the idea of us just like watching from the window inside the house. Okay.
Did the net break my concentration? It doesn't do damage. So I wouldn't think it would. No, it did not break your concentration. And this net that's restrained us, how does it function? Do we do strength check to try and break it? You can either do strength or dexterity check if you want. I'm going to try and do a strength check. Okay.
- Okay. For the record, it doesn't break it. It just allows you to lift it up enough for you to get out from under it. - Yeah, I want to lift it and hold it or try and toss it, I guess. I don't know. - Yeah, I'm just saying that to reemphasize, it won't free both of you. It'll just free you. Go, go. - He sees through what I'm trying to do. - Yeah. - Can I just hold it though? - You can hold part of it. - Like lift it up and hold it. Think of it like a chain mail net. I'll stay under it. - Yeah, but it's so long. You could make like a tent, but you wouldn't lift up the edges. You know what I'm saying? Like it's like a big parachute. If you get in the middle and you hold it up, it's not heavy.
but it's still too big for you to lift the entire thing up at once. Okay, that's a 23. Oh yeah, you're able to easily free yourself from the net. Okay, how far away is... What's his name? Say it, what's his name? Kyborg. No. Kyborg's under the net. Oh, yeah, yeah. No. Quadrant. Sorry. Kyborg. No, that's in character. Quadrant's not that far away. We'll say maybe 30 feet or so. Okay, then I want to run up to him.
and recklessly attack with my random acts of kindness. - Do you want to rage? - Yeah, I'll go ahead and rage, which means the ice storm ends. - Okay, so you drop the ice storm, you rage, and you go up and recklessly attack. As Micah very cleverly points out, you're raging against the machine. - And I guess I have to roll my thing again. - Yes. - Most excellent.
which is another blinding thing. Well, you can see things now, right? In range. Yeah, yeah. I ran up to him and then rage. Yeah. So you have your option actually between quadrant and three of the drones, the two flank left and the one who had come up and was in the cloud of daggers. I'll do quadrant. Okay. Must succeed on constitution saving throw. His constitution's not great. That's a 14. What does he need? Let me check. It is a DC eight plus your proficiency bonus plus your constitution modifier. That's a 14. So he makes it.
He didn't even take anything. Yeah, so he takes no damage. Okay. He like with his lightning fast machine reflexes is able to deactivate his condescent eyes before the radiant light reaches them.
Okay, well, I'm striking him with my friendly axe. Friendly axe? What does a friendly axe do versus a normal axe? Well, this is the item I bought. Yeah, the random axe of kindness. Oh. That's a 23. That hits. And you roll twice because you have advantage because of the reckoning attack, right? Yeah. Okay, 23 hits. So that's a lot.
Okay, 473. And then I'm going to attack again with it. Okay. Is this one also at advantage? No, it's only the first attack. It's a 13. That is a miss. Oh, shoot. Wait, the damage was plus two for raging. So another two? Yeah. Okay. An important two points. That's what kills squadron. That's what saves my family. It's a paper cut. And I guess that's going to be it. Okay. Then that means it's Mud's turn after Mud is kiteboard.
How far is a quadrant from Kyborg under the net? Not that far. What did I say? He was like 30 feet. I believe what I said. That's a good number. I wanted that number. I need to have exchange real quick with Kyborg and his character. Okay. So I can see Kyborg from the house. Yes. Hey, Kyborg!
Do you want to get really big? Absolutely. Okay, I cast Polymorph. The spell transform a creature you can see within range into a new form. If he's willing, there's no checks. I'm very willing. That's why you asked for consent? Yeah, and the creature can be the same CR rating as the character's level, so I can basically turn him into any creature I want. Don't give me a CR 8 because you're a level 8. It only goes up like 6. So I turn Kyborg into a mammoth. Cool.
I figure it's considered a huge beast. I figured that's enough to get that net off of him. Yeah, the net is still on him, but it's no longer restraining him. Now it's more like a little chain mail. Right, like how you put a blanket on the back of a horse before you get on it, like that. That's like a doily or whatever those things are. Or since the cyborg was so cute with his performance earlier, it can be like a big bonnet on his head. Yeah, that's right. Like, oh, the big baby. Jeez.
Mud just claps his hands together, like, you know, wiping dust off and just goes, all right, he's all yours. I just want to point out this mammoth is limited in the actions it can perform by the nature of its new form. It can't speak, cast spells, or take any other action that requires hands or speech. Yep, that's fine. The target's gear melts into the new form. It's kind of like when I, um, when I wow check. Mm-hmm. Okay. As far as where gear goes. All right. Is that it for you, Mud? Yep, that's it. All right. Kyborg. Okay.
I was hoping. I had my fingers crossed. Please make him not talk. It was either that or you were going to go into like a Raymond Ramone. Oh, Ray Romano from Ice Age. Ray Romano. Raymond Ramone. I couldn't remember what his name is. Everyone loves Raymond. I know that's the show. Ray Ramone. Raymond Ramone. What do you want to do, big boy? Okay, so I've got two options. One is stomp. It's melee weapon attack plus 10 to hit. Reach for five.
He's gonna do a trampling charge I'll tell him that the mammoth moves at least 20 feet straight toward a creature and then hits it with a gore attack on the same turn that target must succeed a DC 18 strength saving throw or be knocked prone if the target is prone the mammoth can make one stop as a bonus action We're gonna trample charge. Okay, who mud?
Come on, Trang. I'm in the house too. That would just be him destroying his childhood home. Okay, so what kind of save do I need to make? The target must succeed on a DC 18 strength saving throw or be knocked from. I'm going to roll. I do want to point out Quadrant has a plus eight on this save. Oh, it was a 13, then it popped over to a one. Yeah! That's a nine. That's a nine. That's a critical fail too. Ha ha!
Oh, it is. So you charge at Quadrant. You knock him down onto the ground. Right. So if the target is prone, the mammoth can make one stomp attack against it as a bonus action. You need to do a gore first, and then you get to do a stomp. So I'm going to gore him, which is a melee weapon attack. He's a gore-phobic, though. Reach 10, fight one target. Hit 25, 4d8, plus 7 piercing damage. All right, so make your attack roll. So it's d20 plus whatever the two hit is in that description. Okay, uh...
That's a 16. Yeah. Which actually does hit. Ha ha. And then I do 48. Oh, yeah. Here we go. Isn't this just like how you remember? It's just like how you remember. Okay, so I rolled a 4, 1, 1, and 4. Can I do an inspiration die or is that just d20s? No, that's only d20s. Okay, and that's plus 7. So it's 17. 17.
I make myself laugh. I make him laugh. Alright, 17 points of damage. Yeah, so you charge at Quadrant, knock him over, gore him with a Tusk, and I assume now you're going to make a stomp on him as opposed to... If the target is prone, the mage can make one stomp. Yeah, so then that's a plus 10 to hit. Roll a d20. Roll a d20 plus 10.
coaching Blaine on how to perform actions as a different creature. Well, D&D Beyond makes it so easy. You just click. What am I doing? Click. I've had to learn how to actually do this. It's an 11 plus 10, so 21. Okay, so 48. Another 48? Oh, no, no, sorry. This is 4D10. 4D10. She's going to drop below 400.
I know we can't win this, but I figure we might as well have fun while we're doing it. 21. Okay. Plus 7. And...
Don't I get a second attack? No, you don't get your abilities. You are a mammoth. Okay. You are not kyborg. Stretch that. Anything else you can do, kyborg? I mean, I am just stuck in this state, I believe. So I just roar at Quadrant. How does that sound? Should I do a performance check and then I'll determine based on that? Yes.
I'll say you make it with advantage because you are a mammoth. You have all the right equipment to make this. I was going to say, we're also in the snow. 15 and a 1. And then Mike is going to really boost this with sound effects. So it'll be something like a...
You just vomit all over. Make me an athletics check. Okay. 10. Is it worth it to reroll? Your call. What is it? I haven't said. I just asked for it. You just wanted an athletics check. I got an inspiration die. Could do it. Nah, it's not worth it. Go ahead, 10. You see like a flash of kyborg in the eyes of the mammoth and you think for a second it's going to try to jump into the air and do a backflip.
You see that sanity comes through into its eyes and it decides against it. I want to do an inspiration die. Should I do it? Can I do it? Yeah, if you want to. Oh my god, I gotta do a backflip as a giant mammoth. Alright.
Inspiration die. 20. The mammoth, it doesn't seem physically possible. The mammoth jumps into the air and does a backflip. It catches itself with its tusks and rights itself at the last second and lands on all four. I'm so sad this isn't an animated show. Is that it for you, Kyborg? That's it. Okay. From the ground where he's laying down, you hear Quadrin shout out, You?
Half-footed humanoids never learn. Your loved ones mean everything to you. But my squadron of squadrons mean nothing to me. I see him push a button on one of his arms and hear a beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. The sound seems to be coming from all of the squadrons and it's getting louder. Kyborg, you look down to see two orange eyes flashing near your feet from the head of a squadron. Your mother shouts out, Kai, take cover! Go left, hurry! Boom!
Boom. A deafening explosion sends everyone flying. A barrage of metallic shrapnel and bolts shower the entire village. You feel your head throbbing, your ears ringing, and all you can see is black smoke and flames. Kyborg, other than some minor cuts and bruises, you feel fine, except you can't seem to move. It feels like you're trapped beneath something. No, wait, someone. Lying on top of you is an elf with fiery red hair, your mother, Kristalina. Her eyes flutter for a moment. Kai...
Are you okay? She coughs again, but this time blood splatters into the snow. She pushes herself off of you. I'm fine, Kai. I just need my bow and my... Her eyes drift back as she collapses into the snow, unmoving. Lodged into her back near her quiver is a piece of shrapnel the size of an axe.
You lift your eyes and see your father and sister are lying but a few feet away, their skin blackened and motionless. Just beyond them, a four-armed figure steps through the smoky haze holding a scroll. He looks around at the smoldering carnage. Such a waste. I could have added their arms to my collection. Now, where is that diadem?
He opens up the scroll and begins examining what looks to be a map. That's so sad. Wait, are you still a mammoth, though? I think I probably slapped him. Well, actually, that's a good question. How much damage does this explosion do? It seems like the explosion almost resets your memory. Yeah. Yeah, I have, like, jumped back to a more true retelling.
- Kyborg, you see that Quadrant is distracted. Your equipment seems to be scattered amongst the snow, but within reach is your mother's longbow and quiver of arrows. - Oh, you know I'm gonna take that shot. - Take that shot. - All right. 23. - Cydelius's arrow soars through the shroud of smoke and zips past some blazing debris. The arrow catches on fire and strikes Quadrant squarely in one of his orange eyes.
Quadrant yanks the arrow from his now-dimmed eye socket and hurls it to the ground. The rest of his eyes meet yours, and before you know it, he's lunged toward you and pinned you to the ground. Now, now. Fair is fair. How does this end go? He raises an arm, brandishing a scimitar blade. An eye for...
His blade plunges into your right shoulder, teething it from your body. Quadrant holds up the severed limb. Looks like you won't be needing this anymore. But don't worry. I'll hold on to it for you. Quadrant stands up and tosses the map onto a pile of smoldering ash. Its corners begin to burn up, but not before you see three words flash across your eyes. Flats of tabool. And the last thing you see before you black out is Quadrant marching off with your right arm.
You were supposed to flee! He's leaving now! It was a delayed command.
If you want to find out what happens next, you have to tune in for the next episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon. That's brutal, man. I know. That's why it's... Doesn't that... Don't you want to forgive me for all of my wrongdoings now that you know what made me the way that I am? He's admitting that they're wrong. He's finally admitting they're wrong. This is the personal growth we've been looking for. I don't know any better. I lost my family at a young age. It was really horrifying. I mean... It's just a little keyboard.
Have we given a shout out to Smarsh's King yet in our stuff? I don't know if we have. We need to. It's not an appropriate time. We got to mourn the loss of my family, John. Well, but we can still mourn it with a shirt.
A shirt of your new family. Smarsh. Smarsh is king. Yeah, after playing through a very sad memory, let's play through a fond memory. Remember Smarsh. Yeah, we just did that like such awful, terrible, gruesome memory. And then I'm like, let's go back on the pirate ship with Captain Marge. That was fun and delightful. That was much more fun. But yeah, check out store.roosterteeth.com. Pick up some Stinky Dragon merch, including the brand new Smarsh is King shirt.
And we'll be back again next week with another episode. Bye. Thank you.
