C01 - Ep. 53 - Armageddon - Come What Mayor
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This podcast is supported by FX's English Teacher, a new comedy from executive producers of What We Do in the Shadows and Baskets. English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job, while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

This is a Rooster Teeth production. Compliments to my Iraqi road crawlers. Climb all eight legs into the stinky dragon guzzle our latest gulp. Bond. Brain Bond. It's a mixture of fresh cranial berry juice, a shot of vodka and topped with licorice coated limbs. Careful though, one taste of this intoxicant, everyone want to give you a piece of their mind.

Previously, our adventurers took on a battalion of Evergards by watering down the competition. Then they entered a full-fledged fight with Paralight, putting an end to her world-policing plans. The tables were turned when Archie turned out to be Sordo's body possessed by a crimson cloud creature bent on chaos and collecting Diagems. But who exactly is Entripa? And what are the Diagems? Snag a stiff drink, let's raise some stink.

General Entry #127 The flowers are beginning to blossom here in the land of Wuji Taiji. I wish I had the spare time to appreciate the local flora, but my research in the lost diagems continue to vex me. All signs point to this land for answers, but all my pursuits are met with dead ends.

General Entry #213: I finally concocted some soothing ointment for my sunburn. The harsh summer sun is making my expeditions into the ruins of Wuji Taiji more tiresome, but I finally found one native that spoke of a ruby-colored stone. This is the break I've been waiting for. The Daiya gems are here. They have to be.

Journal entry number 302. This isn't what I expected at all in the dead of winter. During my latest excavation, I unearthed a crimson stone amongst the icy frost that appears far smoother than any natural gem or jewel I've ever come across. Is this the first of many Diagem findings, or is this something else entirely? I feel drawn to it, like my gaze is met with one of its own. Perhaps more answers will come tomorrow as I plan to take a more hands-on approach. Ah! Ah! Ah!

Hello, everyone. Welcome to a brand new episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon. It's got that brand new stink on it, like freshly opened out of the package, brand new episode. Ah, smells good. Yeah, listeners at home, we're trying something new. Instead of doing the bartender's monologue, we're also doing a performance art piece with... Who's going to be acting that out? I guess because we didn't hear. We heard you, Gus, doing this. Mondo?

Or no, who is sort of Jack? Jack. Jack. I'm excited to hear that. Yeah. Jack and Armando is who will be in the final version. The players here get to hear the rough audio of me acting it out. And then the people who are good at it and the actual voices get to release the Gus cut. Release the Gus cut. Maybe as a bonus someday we'll release some of these like temp audio tracks that I do here. Even just the evil laugh and then the...

my favorite is when he does paralyte because nothing like it so evil yeah i know uh it's just scratch audio it's intended to help set the mood but uh it'll be better once uh it's finally released consider the mood set yeah the mood is set appropriately we're back we're gonna pick up our story 12 hours after the events of sheer lake uh it's midday and the four of you find yourselves on the road traveling back to boulder ray

you're not alone. In tow with you is a bruised and battered Dr. Ahem, a captured and eerily quiet Paralyte,

and finally Sordo, still sphere-shaped, hovering in the back near two bodies, Prattle and his own. Oh, rough. We have Paralite? Yeah, you all have Paralite with you. Oh, say that with confidence now. We have Paralite! Yes, yes! I feel like whatever the marching order is, I don't care. I need Paralite in front of me, and I'm going to be behind her by like six feet with my bow drawn the entire time. Just eyes trained.

Well, that's a good point. What is the marching order? Who's in front? Like, how are y'all laid out? So obviously, Kyborg is behind Paralite. We should probably have someone big and strong in front. Who should that be? All right, Bart. Lead the way. Bart's in front. I'll be right behind Bart. Oh, it's going to be behind Bart. I'll be next to you. Okay. We'll be in the same space. Yep. So we got Bart leading the way, bravely, right behind Bart, Mud and Gum Gum. Behind them.

is Paralite, then Kyborg. Where do you all think Dr. Ahem and Sordo will be? They're both passed out, right? Well, no. Dr. Ahem is bruised and battered, but he's awake. And Sordo is also awake, but in his fear shape. So who's carrying the body? Yeah, tell me. Who's carrying the body? I mean, maybe if someone in our party could, like, transform into some sort of, like, animal...

I'm not transforming the animal. I'll carry the body. I'm a big enough person. I guess we don't have like a wagon or any sort of thing with us that we could transport them on and like pull it with our body. Well, if it makes it any easier, the bodies have been frozen in solid ice by the sheer race to help preserve them during travel. Wait, like Paralite and Dr. Ahim's? No, the bodies, Prattle and Archie. Oh, wait.

Wait, Prattle and Archie are lifeless bodies. Correct. And then a hem is rolling and Paralite is walking. And Sordo's floating. And Sordo's floating. Correct. This is what you do when we introduce way too many NPC characters in the scene. We have no idea what's going on. And Bart is grooving. Yeah, Bart is going la la la la la. Yeah, fine. I turn into a camel and I've got both the frozen bodies on me.

Ooh, I'm going to write that down. Camel mud. Yeah, haven't done a camel for a while. I feel like that's your, like, your origin. Yeah, that was my first... I think that was my first animal. Wow. Was it? Are you technically in Camel Flage? You're going to kill Chris. You're going to kill Chris if you keep up with those jokes, okay?

Where do you all want? I guess you want like Dr. Ahem at the back with Sordo. Sure. Why not? Yes. And let's move on. So then he's behind me. They could also lead if you want or be up front. I'm just trying to figure it out. I just want eyes on basically everybody because there's been so many like cross contaminating. I'm just going to be the rear of the party with Paralite in my bow and arrow trained. So let's let's put Dr. Ahem.

a hem and sort of in between me and gum gum and mud sure okay that was great so like Bart you're at the very front and then the NPCs are right behind you the NPCs are still moving sounds good yes what if Gus is just like all right now you're back at the castle like it doesn't matter

Well, this is content. You walk and you arrive. I want to set this in the mind's eye. We want to create a picture with no images. People have to be able to imagine how this is all happening. Yes, and everyone. Yes. It feels like entertainment death to me, but I'll take your word for it, Gustavo. Blind the mind's eye. There's nothing that makes entertainment like questioning everything the DM does. Yeah.

Hey, that's how Chris has gotten through this entire show, okay? And people love him in the comments. Thank you. Now that the marching order is settled in very descriptive detail, what is everyone wearing? I'm a camel. We have that sorted. I'm a camel. Done. I'm kidding. I didn't know you were going to say. I was about to go into detail. I'm naked except for my suspenders of haggling. And one sock. Oh, God. Okay. Okay.

You put me at a loss for words there, John. Okay, so we have the marching order set up. Dr. Ham, like I said, he's, you know, he's currently pushing himself along in his wheelie chair, but it's kind of wobbly. Seems like he's kind of wincing in pain after your encounter with Entropa in the Immersium.

And, you know, in the previous 12 hours after talking with Bray and the Shear Rays, it seems like the Immerse Gateways are no more. It seems like the gateways have been closed and are no longer working, which is why you guys are on the road heading back to Boulder Ray. And what of Paralite's forces? Because there's a lot of people there, and I don't think we killed all that many.

The sheer rays and the portals flooding helped vanquish them and disperse them. And now without Paralite to lead them, they're kind of scattered to the wind. Like I said, you have Paralite with you, but she is unarmed. Her gloves and cloak have been removed. She doesn't seem to be very talkative, seems to be, you know, lost in her own thoughts, maybe a little embarrassed about everything that seems to be going on. Who has her gloves and weapons and stuff?

Uh, Dr. Ahem has currently reclaimed those, uh, since he is like the quartermaster for the Infinites and has been responsible for some of these items in the past. He's the person with the most experience with them who you guys probably trust more than, uh, some of the other people. Just to reiterate, Prattle and Archie's body or the body you knew as Archie are frozen in solid ice. Uh,

And they are currently on mud's back. I guess you probably have like a blanket or a towel or something down so that the ice isn't touching your bear camel skin. Let's retcon this and fix that. I'm a polar bear instead. Ooh. So that's nice for you. So yeah, the polar bear is able to lug the ice blocks around with no problem. In fact, you'd probably like it a little bit, Mud. Yeah. No cold damage. Can I take a ride on this, Lad? No, I have two full bodies on me. Okay.

Okay. I'll tell you what. Everyone, just for fun, make a perception check for me. 16. 9. 27. 15. That's all pretty good rolls. So everyone, except for Gum-Gum, I'll say, the other three of you noticed that the dwarven body...

It's actually probably Sordo's dwarven body. You know, when you all had encountered him in the past, he had a blotchy skin. However, it appears to have cleared up. You know, he's still dead. There's no life in the body, but the blotchy skin that Archie had is now cleared up in Sordo's previous body. So was Sordo known as Sordo when he was a human or Sordo like a... Why don't you ask Sordo? Yeah, why don't you ask him? Hey, Sordo. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

This is probably pretty traumatizing that you're seeing your body while also still being a floating ball. Did you used to go as Sordo when you were in human form? Sordo replies, I used to be a dwarven archaeologist by the name of Sordomus Osvieri, but I prefer Sordo for short. I used to travel throughout the lands pursuing any myths, legends, or clues that might lead to the long-lost artifacts known as the Diagems.

Hold on. Did that... Whatever that thing was that took over your body, did it have the creative ability to decide, "This body's an archaeologist. I'll call it Archie." Is that where it got its name? That's a good point. Well, one day I was deep in the land of Wuji Taiji conducting an excavation of an ancient civilization and I unearthed a mysterious glowing red stone orb.

Entropa was in the Ruby Gem.

Got it. Okay. And sortimus orphosphere. What? What was the last name? It's easy. Osphere. Osphere. No wonder you turn into a sphere. It was in your name all along. It was meant to be. Yeah. That's like if a guy that turned into a box was like, you know, squirtimus boxman.

You know, this is pretty traumatic for me. I prefer you not make light of the situation. I'm just trying to get the exact understanding of what happened and how did Entropa get to where it's at. And so you got pulled into this orb that was a jewel you found underground. And then he took over your body. And then he put you in a, would you say a satchel? Yeah, he trapped me in a satchel. And then from the satchel, how'd you find your way into like a little floaty dude? Yeah.

Yeah, because I'm also assuming he's like a metal orb. It's tough to know how long I was in that bag, but one night, Archie, or should I say Entropa, came across a mysterious traveler on the road, and that satchel was miraculously unlocked. I managed to escape from the clutches of Entropa and was finally able to pursue a cure for my spherical condition. How did you get into a ball?

Like a metal... Like a ball. When I touched that redstone orb, I unintentionally freed Entropa, and my soul took its place in the sphere, and then he put me into a bag. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. I was like, is this a soul-carrying satchel or something? I just didn't understand. He was locked in a satchel for so long. How do I get out of this satchel? All right. Sorry, Sordo. That's really mean. Wait. How big is Sordo, then? Is he like...

Like a baseball or like a soccer ball? Probably closer to like a soccer ball, I would say. That's a big softball. It's a big ball. So then what's the significance of all these gems you were looking for, these diagems? As an archaeologist, I pursued many, many legends. And this particular legend says that there are six diagems

and that each one of them possesses a unique raw arcane power. Some believe they are the original sources of arcana in the world of Phaser and somehow connected to the deity Dia. But I don't put much stock in fairy tales. You'd have to talk to the true believers of Dia if you want to hear about that nonsense.

I shall find all four of these to become the greatest wizard ever. Six. Six. You got there. What if we just, here's your body. What if we melted down that popsicle, cracked you open out of the ball? Could you just repossess that thing? Or is there like, how do we get you back in there? Do we make your body swallow the ball? Kyborg's thinking sort of like a kinder egg of some sort that he can just pop open. Well, I tried touching my former body, but it had no effect.

Maybe because there's no soul currently in his body to exchange? I don't know. This is the whole reason I traveled to Boulderay in the first place. I hoped the Infinites could help me. That's why I encountered Dr. Ahem, who was empathetic to my situation. The good doctor pledged himself to uncover a cure for me. And Dr. Ahem says, I promise I still plan to make good on Soto.

Even if it's the last thing I do. Thanks, Doc. Dr. Ahim, how good are you at helping fix Frostbite? Dr. Ahim, how good are you at fixing Frostbite? Because he might lose a couple of vital pieces. Well, we'll see. I think Frostbite might be the least of our worries here. We have a lot of steps to get through before we have to deal with that possibility. I just imagine Gum-Gum just...

Just pulling off a pinky finger. I was thinking more like licking it and then getting his tongue stuck to it. So gross. That's a body sickle. Ah, the tongue hurt. Can I talk to Per? Hey, Per, right? No.

Do we want to try to talk to Paralite? Paralite looks at you but says nothing. Hey, how did you know about the big evil thing that was hidden inside of our friend Archie? She looks at you with cold eyes and says, Well, if I had known about that, I wouldn't have ended up in this predicament.

Would I? Well, then why were you trying to take over? Were you not aware of that? Because I thought you were doing that whole thing because you knew something we didn't. So were you just bad? She says, clearly, I know many things you don't know.

I don't even know where to begin with that question. Well, can you start with, so you didn't know about that this guy was inside Archie? She doesn't answer. Okay. All right. So I just want to get an understanding of these diagems a little bit. So there was a diagem that was in Paralite's base that was in the middle that was being protected by that giant eel. And that's what we freed. And then...

took that diagem, right? Yes. And just to clarify, that base you're talking about was at the Sheer Lakes. Is in the lakes. So is that the only diagem that we know about right now? I bet you five bucks we've encountered in another one and we didn't realize it because it was so stupid. Where's my amulet? Is my amulet one of the diagens? Ooh!

Wait, wait, wait. You're what? Where's my amulet? There it is. There it is. Got to make sure we know which one we're talking about. It's amulet du fromage. Where is it? Where's my amulet? You put it on the tree in New Valros to reconnect to the deity. Did he not take it off? Remember you joined it with a knives magic item? I thought I said I took it. It like disappeared in brilliant light. Okay. This is going to be like the, uh,

the thing from Avengers where they didn't think about making it an infinity stone before. And then they're like, it was an infinity. So the whole time you just gave them the idea to make the amulet. And so I'm pretty sure that was probably I'm going to give them credit. I'm going to give them credit that they thought that was like, oh, totally. I had that in mind all the time. Right. Right. Just go back and listen to the old episode. Yeah, we can't rewrite those. So wait, that thing just showed up on me.

No, it was in the cave that we saw Archie in. It was in the cave, but then it showed up on me. I think, yeah, it did show up on you. Didn't you wake up and it was on you? Because I wasn't holding it. Yeah, I think someone else had it at first. I think maybe Gum Gum had it. And then the next morning you woke up and it was on you, Mud. Okay, when we found it, it was on Archie, who we now know as Entropa. It was next to Archie. It was frozen next to Archie in the ice. So then that must have been a die gem. So we got two.

We got two Count'em Diagems accounted for as far as like we know their existence. We don't know. Maybe. Yeah. We know nothing. Okay, move on. Oh, really quick character development. And it just may be like, you know, make things a little more chill. I say, hey, Paralite, I'm sorry about your father's passing. I've lost family and I know that that's hard. Despite all of our differences, I am sorry for his past.

I like how big bad of the story, you're just like, hey, I'm sorry about your loss. And then Sleek pops up and you're like... Hey, Paralite, I'm so sorry. I defend you. She just looks at you, Kyborg. She doesn't say anything. She just looks at you with like a cold stare. Fine. I was just trying to be a nice guy. Yeah, we'll give you an inspiration die, Kyborg. That was very nice. Oh, hey. All part of my plan. Fools.

Okay, as you all are walking along, you hear the distant rustling of dirt and something squeaking. You turn down the next bend and are suddenly face to face with a charging Orox. Bart, make a strength saving throw. Oh, because I'm right at the front, huh? Mm-hmm. I'm overcome by attraction. This is what I get for being brave.

Frig. So four. The aurochs doesn't have time to turn away from you as it turns around the bend and it gores you with one of its horns. As it's coming towards me, I put both hands on my crotch area and I go, no! Well, your crotch is protected, but your arm takes 14 points of gore damage from an auroch. The spectacle orc yanks on the reins and readjusts his falling glasses.

Oh, deary me, I do apologize, folks. I didn't see you there. Can I offer you a ride or possibly a stick of gum?

like a healing potion. The orc says, oh, I don't have any of those, but perhaps my friend here does. Let me introduce you to my friend, Svindalin. Svindalin. And up with the orc is a halfling. By the way, you recognize the orc as being oof. You've encountered him in the past. Yeah, and seated next to him is a halfling. He tips his hat and says, Guten Tag, I'm Svindalin. Svindalin? Svindalin. Svindalin. Svindalin.

Who the hell are you, Svendelin? That's just not very nice. Oh, I'm traveling with Ulf to sell my wares far and wide. You don't remember Svendelin? He says you all met him in Urbloom. Wait, is this that one dude's embezzler's, like, disguise? Is this more method acting from embezzler? Is embezzler a halfling? No, he was, like, a green one. He talked like this. So, uh...

Svendland, we meet so many people, then they change into other people, and then we're like inside the spirit of other people. So you're going to have to be a bit more descriptive to jog our memory at this point. We encountered each other at the tavern in Jorblum. I saw you there.

When did we go into a bloody tavern? We drink a lot, dude. I mean, we went into a lot of taverns. The Agaten Pub. Oh, where we had that fight. Oh, with the idiot, Sleek. Was that the town? No, there's a big plant. Brink. Yeah, it's a big plant. So you all did fight Sleek at Urbloom, but I believe at the beer garden specifically, you all encountered Brink at a doorway. And I took a nap. Oh, right, and we knew at that point

At that point, that Brink was going to be a good guy. Correct. I remember the beer garden. I remember a centaur. I remember fighting a big old thing from Little Shop of Horrors. I don't remember you. I'm so sorry. What did we do? Did we say anything to you? Did we exchange insurance cards? We're just burning this guy. Oh, no, no. I just was enjoying a beer at the beer garden and saw you all creating a commotion. All right.

Okay, I'll buy it. What do you got to sell? What do you got there? Where are you pedaling? That's right. I'd like a bike. I don't like that all of the people that we encounter that are selling stuff is embezzler and swindler. Like, it makes me not want to trust you. Swindling. Okay, forgiveness. Swindling. Anyways, how are you going to steal from us?

He's not stealing. Oh, my God. It's just like it's in his name. Spoiler. He can't steal from me. I don't have much money. It's true. Yo, Ahem, pay us up. We need our stipend or something. Oh, from Dr. Ahem? Yeah. I bet Paralite has money on her, too. Oh, yeah. Should we pat her down? Well, you all have already checked her. That's when you got her gloves and cloak off of her. She didn't have much else on her besides those and some other weapons.

I guess, yeah, Dr. Ahem would have maybe given you some more stipend at this point when he encountered you all. Like 5,000 gold pieces? That sounds fair. Maybe not that much. Well, working hard. We're no longer interns, right? So we get paid an actual salary now that we've upgraded? Minimum wage, which in Boulder, A, is $8 an hour more than Texas.

18 gold an hour. I wonder if they do have a living wage in Herbloom or the other places. Is the minimum wage in Texas still under $8? I think so. Yeah, $7.25. Wait, can the state minimum wage be lower than the federal? $7.25 in Texas. For context, when I was 16, I was making, I think, $6 an hour. So it has barely gone up. Thank you.

Dr. Ahem has your pay. He tosses you all a big bag of coins. Who wants to grab it or catch it? Bart deftly snatches the bag of coins. While also still holding my stomach from being railed by this animal.

Just slowly bleeding out. Yeah. You're getting blood all over the coins, Bart. Oh, come on. You can't spend those. Dr. M gives you the bag, Bart, and says, With everything going on in the town, I don't know if I'll be able to provide any more payment beyond this until we find out what's happening with the mayoral situation.

I can't get that in writing. That you're not going to get paid? Until... Conditions. Maybe. Asterisk. Just kidding. But for now, I can also give you this as a show of goodwill. Bart, he hands you an additional empty sack. Wow.

- Wow. - How generous. - I open the sack and I look in and I go, "What does this do?" - When you open the sack and look in, it seems to be much bigger than you expect looking at the outside of the sack. - Oh my goodness. - It's one of those magic sacks that you can put a bunch of stuff inside, like Mary Poppins. - Yeah. - Could I test it out by picking a rock up off the ground, putting it in, closing it, and then opening it again? - Yeah, absolutely. - Okay, and grab a rock, pop it in. - You put it in and you open it and look, the back seems to be empty.

How big is the brim, like the opening? It's about two feet or so. Not very, not huge, but you know, good size. Put it on my head and I'll look inside. No. I saw that coming. I saw that coming. Do it. Do it. No, quick question. Let me do, let me have my turn, please. This is, Bart is saying this while trying to push away gum gums ahead. Telling me what to do. Could I ask where the items in the bag go when you put them in? Oh yes, they're in the bag.

But I just put a rock in and I don't see it anymore. Think about whatever you need from the bag, reach into it, and it will come to you. Okay, I think rock, and I reach my hand in. You picture the rock that you put into it, stick your hand in, and you feel a rock in your hand. You pull it out, and it's that same rock you put in there. Oh, oh, me next, me next. I reach inside and I pull out a middle finger. Ah! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

Hey, Kyber, why don't you give me your metal arm for a second? No, no, no, no, no, no. Hey, Barb, I was too busy looking up which state had the lowest minimum wage. How much money did a hem give you? I also was too busy with this bag to remember what that was. How much was it? Bart, you look into the bag and you estimate there's about 2,000 gold pieces in there. Just for me, right?

I mean, you're holding it. Yeah, you're holding it. Possession's nine-tenths the law. Okay, do we want to do even split or do we want to kind of do a pool like we have in the past? I feel like the pool worked fine. Did we do a pool in the past? I don't think we ever did a pool. I think it was we all got... No, on the embezzler ship, we took turns and then like each of us were just like, okay, we just had a collective amount that we were... That was...

Suave, by the way, embezzler in disguise of Suave. Excuse me. Sorry, guys. I remember taking turns. I don't remember us going from a pool of money, but whatever. I guess we can decide what we want. And then if I remember right, everyone like took a turn and then some people got a little extra like it wasn't an even split. Like if somebody wanted something, some people were willing to forego some money if they got what they wanted as well.

Right. Or we could all just add 500 gold to our noun. Each of us, if we split this evenly, it's 500 gold pieces a person, and I think I know what I want. Shvindalin hears this and invites you all up into the wagon. After you're all on board, Yuff whips the reins and the Aurochs begin moseying on up the mountain to Boulderay. Shvindalin opens up several boxes and crates, revealing his assorted inventory.

As always, please give us a follow on social media at StinkyDragonPod on Twitter and Instagram. Social media is the lifeblood of podcasts. If you could share it, interact with us, use hashtag StinkyDragonPod. We'd really appreciate it. We have some new merch. We have the Smarsh is King shirt available now. Imagine the most regal of giant purple worms clad with a shimmering crown. Can you visualize the beauty in your mind's eye? This, my friends, is what you could be adorning your stinky self with via T-shirt found at the Rishki store.

100% of the proceeds go straight to Smarsh. So if you're truly loyal to the crown, then you know what to do. Hashtag Smarsh is king. Don't forget, we're going to be at RTX here in Austin for a one-shot. Buy tickets to see it live coming up soon, July 1st to 3rd. You can get more information at rtxevent.com. If you interact with us on social media, you might be an NPC in an upcoming episode. Like in this episode, Lucky Cat Pat, named after at LuckyBassCat88. And I want to give a big thanks to our voice actors,

Entropa is our own Armando Torres. Sordo is voiced by Jack Petillo. Paralite is voiced by Hannah McCarthy. And Dr. Ahem is voiced by Micah Reisinger, who you may also know as the writer of this campaign, editor, composer, man about town.

Do we want to roll? What's a good roll to determine our buying order? Or do we care? I think Bart's going first. Yeah. Before you purchase Bart, Schwindelin says, I am also open to trading any items you may have. I would be willing to pay fair goals for interesting items. How much for the Paralites? What?

It's two of them. Here's a pair of them. Oh, God. How much would you pay for an instrument of illusions? I'd be willing to give you 20 gold for that. It's like GameStop. How about 100? Oh, no, no. Brown, no? Maybe. This one's been used. Oh.

I don't know if it has been. Which is maybe why I want to sell it. Wait, can't you like snap your... Once it's off the lot, it loses 75% of its value. Well, could I snap my Haglund suspenders and say, well, 100 sounds like a pretty good deal to me.

What do those suspenders do again? They give you like a... Any advantage on... Like charisma or something? I mean, they'll give me 1d4 of damage. Yeah. You already took 14 from that Aurox. I receive a 1d4 bonus to my next persuasion check. Okay. Also, Bart, I have two potions of healing if you needed one. Okay. I can heal with magic. Oh, God, I'm sorry. I should be able

Go ahead and make a persuasion check then. 16 plus a d4. So it's a 17 total. And I take 1d4 of bludgeoning damage. A 3. Oh, no, no. I'm pretty sure. 20. Even with a 17? You can see right there, he rolled a 20. Oh, did he? Yeah. It's not worth it for me. I'm going to hold on to these babies.

But as you're going through and looking for your instrument of illusions to pull it out, he sees something that he is interested in. Oh, what about that porcelain tile there?

Oh, we have a bunch of those from that journey up the echelon. Escalon. Escalon. Escalon. Yeah, I might be willing to part with it for the right price. How much do you want? 300. That's a little much. How about 100? 200. Hmm. 110. 200. Hmm. 110. I snap my suspenders and glance.

How many charges of my healing word do I have? Okay, I'm good. I can heal you up good. All right, make your roll. God dang it. It's a 13. 13. Roll your damage, too. I swear to God. Okay, one. Good thing we leveled up twice. Oh, no, wait. Hold on. On my suspenders, every time this is used within a day, the damage increases by another D4, so I have to roll another D4. Oh, wow. Honesty. Another three. Okay.

That's okay. Yeah, you did beat his roll though. 120. Final offer. 150. Just can't do it.

Fine, 120, 120. All right, so go ahead and remove that porcelain tile from inventory, and he'll add 120 gold. Wait, didn't we have, like, a ruby? There's some other stuff that we got from the last one. I have a ruby. I'm sure on GumGum, there's probably, like, 500 golds worth of just random stuff. Yeah. He's a walking Goodwill. I have a magic opal I'd be willing to part with because I don't know what it does.

And then I also have a spyglass. He'll deal with you in just a second once he's done dealing with Bart here. Yeah. All right, Barty boy, what do you want? Let's see here. What you gonna buy? What you gonna do with all that gold? All that gold. All that gold inside your pants. I am so tempted to buy this

Piano figurine just for the one use of it. Is it a single use thing? Think of it like a porcelain piano figurine. And when you use your command word, it will turn into a perfectly tuned full-size piano. You may also speak the word while throwing it, which would cause 5d6 bludgeoning damage upon impact. And if dropped from above, it can deal 5d6 bludgeoning damage plus an additional 5d6 on any enemy that fails a dexterity throw.

However, throwing or dropping it does destroy it beyond repair. You animal. It's a multiple use if you just play piano on it, though. Could you turn it back into a small? Sure, why not? Okay. So you can ant man this thing. I could, but I don't know what the point of just having a normal piano is. I just wanted something big and heavy that could throw at people. Do it.

But then this vest of slow descent also seems pretty useful. What does that do? The vest of slow descent, a vest that can billow behind you and cause you to take no fall damage upon landing, although it gives disadvantage on strength saving throws against strong winds. I feel like we've been in a lot of strong winds before, but I do feel like we've fallen before and I've hurt my little self.

I guess, yeah. Could you activate this if you were in battle and something threw you? I think it's just on me at all times. It's a bonus action, so I'm assuming, yeah? Well, yeah. I would say if it gives disadvantage or saving throws against strong winds, that means it's always ready to activate.

So theoretically, yes. That's a pretty good one, too. Yeah, you know, Bart, you know, he's really indecisive today, so he's going to take a look at the items and let another teammate go before him. Sure. He's very generous. Who wants to get a crack at it? I mean, I have one thing that I will most definitely need that I don't think anybody else can get. Yeah. What's she getting? Well, there's a thing called the Hand Cannon. It's an ingenious and hidden weapon built by an unknown artificer.

It requires the wearer to be missing one of their arms and to be built a prosthetic one. In the barrel of the arm, filled with gunpowder, resides a single-shot small lead cannonball. As an action, the wearer lowers the wrist of the prosthetic arm and fires a cannonball, using the wearer's dex modifier to single target. The shot deals 46 bludgeoning damage and 46 fire damage. If it hits and the creature must take a DC 16 strength saving throw or be knocked prone, you can only use it like once a short rest, and it costs one or two gold pieces of gunpowder.

I think I need that. No. I'm sorry, Kaibor. You have everything else listed. It requires the wearer to be missing an arm. You just look over and Gungum's sawing off his arm. I do want to point out that one was submitted to us by a person on social media. Thank you at Ikari Senpai on Twitter for sending that to us. Yeah, everything else is like magic and stuff. This is the one thing where I was like, oh yeah, I guess Kaibor could probably use that. Do you have enough gold for it? Nope. That's what I'm going to haggle.

So I'm gonna say... Svindel... Svindelin? Svindelin, right? Ja! Ja! How's it going, buddy? Just shooting the breeze, just shooting the breeze. Can I turn back into mud? Yeah. Okay.

I slapped your butt, all right? And I say, uh... See, see, I don't even need the entirety of this thing because I already have a prosthetic arm. I just need the cannon component. So, like, I'll give you... I think it'd be fair if I just gave you, like, $350 for this. Mm, yes, I like that sound. Mm-hmm.

Make a persuasion check. Okay. I don't want to have to, but I have the dread helm and I could also intimidate him. I like when we shop is the only time we use the items that we bought the last time we shopped.

That's a three. Okay. Well, I'm going to use my inspiration diet. Roll it in again. Okay. A little bit better. And then I'm going to roll a D4. That's a 13 plus three. All right. 16. Come on, come on, come on. I rolled a 17. I can do 350 if you give me your arm. Okay.

No! That seems like a fair trade. No, no! Gum gum, quiet it down. What if you just give him a hand? Wait, I'm confused. Is the hand cannon another prosthetic? It's like an add-on to his existing one, right? But then if you take his arm, how is he supposed to use the hand cannon? Oh, that's his problem.

How about a, uh, a test of some sort? Perhaps a wager? Maybe we can test my accuracy with my bow, and if I can pass your test, then you give it to me for 350. How about the test is, if it counts your gold,

and see if you have 750. - Okay, I'm gonna level with you here. Svendalin, I don't have that much money, but think of all the good I can do with this hand cannon by blowing away bad guys with it and how cool that would look, right? - That will feed my family when they're hungry. - Okay, all right. - Think about all the good you've done in the land. - You're right, but I freed a bunch of people. You know, we're keeping this land safe, so I think 400, 400, all up to 400, just 'cause I like you, Svendalin.

I'll do 740 if you throw in your shield. Wow, that's great. That's a great offer, but...

But no, listen, I don't want to. He needs that shield. He wears it all the time. I don't want to have to get to this point. But, you know, I can get pretty scary sometimes. And so I put my prosthetic arm on him and I kind of grip his shoulder pretty good. And I say, I think you're going to give this to me for $4.50. Should I roll an intimidation? Oh, you're trying.

I try to make an intimidation check. Yeah. Again, I'm wearing the dread helm. So my eyes are glowing red. So I have advantage on intimidation checks. So that's a four and up. That's a two.

Yeah, he beats that roll easily. He farts while he tries to intimidate him. I'll do 500 if you throw in that longbow of triumph. I'm not going to give you the longbow of triumph, but I will do 500 if it comes to that. Come on, Swindlin'. 750. No, I don't have 750. You have failed almost.

every roll, every attempt to try to haggle here, and you're still refusing to move. Yes. I owe you money. Here's $250. You don't have to give me $250. That's too generous. I don't remember how much we spent on gumbo, so I'm just going to assume we're square now, and that's how it works.

Okay. All right. I have a hard time accepting this kind of handout. This is very generous of you. Yeah, but you're going to be taking a hand cannon, so you need it. Okay. Well, what was the final offer? You know, let's come on. Come on, Svendalyn. Like friends and family discount.

750. You failed everything. You're getting nothing out of here. You did not do anything on those checks. Mud, you said 250? Yeah, I gave it to you. Okay, fine. I will do 700. 750. All right, 700 it is.

You're the worst. You're the worst at this. You're so bad at shopping. 750. 750. There it is. 750. All yours. Enjoy. I give 85 gold pieces back to mud. Oh, how nice. That's all I have, except for seven pieces of silver. All right. Thank you for the loan. We are square. Your debt has been settled. Yay.

Yay. Gum gum? Oh, can I sell this magic opal? I don't know what it does. He looks at the opal and pulls out like a jeweler's loop and examines it closely. Oh, magic, is it? Yeah. I'll give you 200 gold for that. It's magic. Hey, what kind of magic does it do?

Oh, this is very mundane magic. It is transmutation magic that affects any weapon you're wielding. Forever? Temporarily.

Oh, okay. And then I also have this spyglass. You have a spyglass? Yeah. Where'd you get the spyglass from? I got it from, like, one of the people in the prison. Oh, that's right. Like, I use it on the ship to look far away. That's right. I forgot about that. Oh, that's way beyond what I can afford. What couldn't you afford? You just took all the cyborg's money.

I should say, I don't want to pay you what you would want for that. I could give you maybe 100 gold pieces for that? So 300 for both of them? Yes. Can you make it 500? I could do 400. Or 25?

Make a persuasion roll. Okay. I'll use my bolster thing, too. I had it charged. Okay. Nice. 14, and then my bolster thing. So that's an extra three. So that's 17. 17. All right. Let's see here. Oh, yeah. His roll is nine. He'll do 425. Oh, wow. Okay. Okay.

That's a very generous bargain. Thank you. Okay, so you get rid of your spyglass and your magic opal. You have anything else? You know, as you're pulling your stuff out, he's kind of looking over your shoulder into your bag. What's about that spin? Oh, that's Winky Face Fox Potion. Oh, my Winky Face. Yeah, also my Winky Face Fox Potion. Doesn't that give you luck or something? Nah, it's a Winky Face Fox Potion. Ha!

I can give you 75 gold for that potion. 100 for the way it's a winky face fox potion, not just a normal fox potion. Go ahead and roll a persuasion check. 22. You're good at this, Gum-Gum. Good lord. It's because he actually has a positive modifier on this, whereas...

Kaiborg has a negative modifier on all these checks. I'm dying, I'm impressed. GumGum has +5, Kaiborg is -2. Uh, yeah, uh, he rolls a 2. Uh, sure, 100 gold for a winky face fox. He's just so irresistible. I just love him so much. He is. GumGum's rich. How much for my Acme box? Yeah, you should get rid of that one, I agree.

Hackery box. He bought that last round. That was ARK 4 shopping. All it's done is exploded my face. The one time he used it, it exploded on him and almost killed him. 200 gold. I would take that. I would take that. You paid 750 for that. Or that's what the original price was. I don't know if you haggled it down. Price little items here. I know. Mystic GameStop. I don't appreciate that. Blaine just made the same joke I made, but then Barbara laughed that time. His delivery.

Well, you didn't say mystic, did you? No, I didn't. Is that what won it? Mystic game stuff. Yeah, puts it over the edge. Maybe Blaine needed the laugh more. Yeah, I did just get my butt kicked in a bid.

If I'll sell you the Acme box, and if you sell me the Random Acts of Kindness... I actually have a question about the Random Acts of Kindness. It says 1d8, and then it says in parentheses 1d10. Why don't you read the description to me, and I'll clarify what that means. Random Acts of Kindness, a rare battle axe that keeps on giving 1d8 in parentheses 1d10 plus 2 slashing damage.

friendly steel plus two bonus attack rolls with this weapon and then any critical hit will trigger a bonus effect with this weapon determined by rolling a d8 there's a bunch of different effects you you'd love these uh random things that happen like it's like your wild magic when you rage so

What the parentheses means is it's 1d8 if you wield it with one hand, but it's 1d10 damage if you wield it with two hands. I wondered if that's what it was. Oh, okay. That's got to be worse damage than your actual battle axe you're using right now, right? Yeah, but my other one is two hands, so if I had a shield or another weapon, then I could do more.

I will sell you that and all my gold for the Rainbringer Staff and the Random Acts of Kindness. So you're looking at 1350 in gold. And the Rainbringer Staff is a rare staff that brings a storm. Gain a plus one bonus to spell attack rolls and ignore half cover when spell attacking with the staff. Cloud Magic, the staff contains 10 charges that can be used throughout the day. Staff regains 1d8 plus two charges at dawn.

And you can use it to either create a gust of wind, thunder waves, sleet storm, ice storm, or cone of cold. Yeah, he'll do that. Okay, that's an excellent deal. Thank you. Don't open that box. It will explode. Is that it for you, Gum Gum? That would be it. I am now a flower and a...

What does this staff do? Rain wizard. A rain wizard. They go so well together. First the rain comes, then the flowers grow. He's the lord of the rain. All right. Now finally, back to, I'm sorry, back to Bart. All right. I would like to buy your thunder stun drum, please.

If I may describe it to you, person who's selling it, you use an action to strike this drum sonorously. I don't know what that word means. I've never heard it before. Me neither. And it can be heard up to 300 feet away. All creatures in a 15-foot cone must make a constitution saving throw or take 5d6 thunder damage and be stunned until the next turn. It can be used once per day and regains its charge at dawn.

And it's by bonus underscore action. Yeah, and if people want, they can check out that Instagram profile. They make a bunch of really cool stuff. So I think what it means, like, sonorously, it's like a loud beat, like a loud drum, like that reverberates. And it plays Thunderstruck. Thunderstruck. I would like to buy that. Ooh, 450. How about 400? I like nice, even numbers. Mm, 450 is even. Mm.

And the five makes me a little nervous. Okay, 460. No. Oh, no. 400 even. Suspenders of Hagling. All right, go ahead and make your rolls. I rolled a 19 plus three, so 22. Ooh, that's a good roll. And I'll just do my E4 damage. Oof, I took seven points of damage from my suspense. How about...

420? I did 7 points of damage to my shoulders for 400, sir. He has no idea what you're saying. It dislocated my shoulder. Fine, fine, 400. All right, gimme. 75% of you are really good at haggling. Hey, Gus, how would I resolve stealing from this guy if I wanted this?

I'm not even kidding. We would have to make sleight of hand versus perception checks at the minimum. I'd be down for that if you are. Yeah, you can absolutely try it. There may be, just FYI, there may be alignment repercussions with that as well. Oh, no, because that's been a huge component of Kyborg's character. Just saying, just saying.

What do I gotta do to get a little bundle deal from you? What are you looking for? I'm looking for maybe a potion of healing and the vest of slow descent. Buy the vest of slow descent for 300 and I'll throw in a potion for free.

Let's do it. Dunzo. Easy. All right. Bart wipes his hands off. All done. Thanks for doing business with me. And he reaches his hand out to shake. He reaches his hand out as well to shake. Bart pulls him in closer and says, you better not try to screw me over ever again. You hear me? What?

I'm an honest businessman. How did I try to screw you over? Bart lets go of the hands and just does the pointing at his eyes and pointing at him and then walks away. He looks very confused. Just as I intended. All right, Kyborg. So what are you going to become a thief?

I mean, this guy took $750 for something that should be mine. Oh, man. I'm trying to reason with myself. No, I'm not going to be a thief. You got your thing. One thing. Everyone's like, oh, let me buy this shoelace of precious for 400. And I got nothing on me. He doesn't want anything for me. And I get it. Hey, you hit all your arrow shots for a reason. You've thrown a lot of stat points into one area. Yep.

So this is what happens. Very true. I'm going to go off while you guys are doing this, and I'm just going to start punching trees. I'm blowing off steam by punching trees. He's going to go Minecraft. So, you know, as this was going on, you all were still, you know, walking and traveling. I haven't bought anything yet. Oh, you haven't? Oh, I'm sorry. I haven't gone.

Mud! Uh, I'm sorry, that's my bad. But just for reference, you all are still traveling. Just I'm gonna put that out there. As this is all going on, you all are still making your way downtown. Mud! I'll make this quick. Uh, sir, I do have one item that I'd be willing to part with. I have this wand of web. It's fantastic. It, you know, lets you do spider stuff. So how much for this thing? He picks it up, kind of weighs it, balances it in his hands, looks at it through a loop. 75 gold.

I suppose I should haggle. This is the part of D&D that I would never do in real life. Haggling scares the living bejesus out of me. Well, in D&D, it's just rolling a die. Yeah. I don't think I have anything that's going to give me any sort of bonuses, but I can slap my butt and try. So how about 100? Yeah, make your roll. 15. 15. That's a pretty decent persuasion roll. Burn. Ooh.

Okay. 100. Okay. Here you go. She rolled a 10, by the way. I think I've used this once. I don't know why I even have it. I turned into a spider. Why do I have this? Did I buy it or did I get given it? I don't know.

As you're going through your bag, pulling that stuff out. What about that other rod? No, I like that other rod. I could take that off your hands for 75 gold. You'll find it hard to move. I use that on like a daily basis. I'm pretty sure I can't part with it. That's a lie.

My good man, if I were to want to buy frightening in the bottle, could I get, if I got the frightening in the bottle? Why don't you read that to us? All right. A frightening that lives in a bottle. Frightenings are small spirits that have a language with only one word. Yeah.

I can also give it a command and it can sneak up on a creature before casting fear.

upon successful... I didn't read this part. Upon successful end of the spell, the frightening will return to its normal size with its head poking out of the bottle and beseechingly ask, for approval. User must respond with, upon which the frightening returns to the bottle and stoppers the cork. If the user forgets to do this, the frightening gains the trait underappreciated and departs the bottle to find a better community elsewhere. Hmm?

That's from user Brendan. Brendan. I'd like that in the gauntlet of Chad Amun. Don't know if I'm pronouncing that right. Whoa, what's that? The wearer must, from a closed fist position, extend outwards their pinky and thumb and thereby rotate on a horizontal axis quickly their hand. A successful activation of the gauntlet will deepen the user's voice, overly attract them to the Bacchanalian festivity and make them disinterested in the pursuits of the mind.

Whatever the hell that means. That's cool. You roll a d6. A 2 to 6 will grant the wearer plus two temporary charisma for the next two hours at the expense of negative two wisdom. Upon rolling a 1, the gauntlet slaps the user in the face, dealing 1d4 bludgeoning damage. So attracting them to a Bacchanalian festivity is like attracting you to partying and drinking, and you're not interested in scholarly pursuits, let's say. That's also from Brendan, and that's an incredible one. I like that one. Yeah. That's one of our producers, by the way, Brendan Carothers. Oh, duh.

Good items. Yeah, Mud's not prone to partying, but Mud also really hates that he is negative one on charisma. Yeah. If I were to buy both of those for a little combo package, what are we looking at here? Schwindelin pulls out a little green, like, accountant's cap, visor, and puts it on and says, 600 gold. But what if he uses his...

His game stops fizzling rewards membership. That gives him a 10% discount, right? Yeah. No, no, no. I have so much magic, none of which helps me shopping. Cast sleep on him, and then all of a sudden, all of his items are ours. Yeah, if only mud were not such a nice guy, I could threaten with some pretty bad magic.

Could you do 475? Oh, that's a big discount. It is, but you didn't give me any discounts when I asked for a discount originally for this combo. Make a persuasion check. No, that's a one, so no. Well, let me roll. Let me roll. Maybe I'll roll back. 15, no. 600 gold. Right, just give me the threatening in the bottle and we'll call it a day. 250. Fine, I don't care.

I'm excited for our shneenanigans. If I could make a trade on a weapon, sir, a battleaxe.

What are you trying to trade? Just your normal battleaxe? I'll trade it for a greataxe or a handaxe. Do you have just a regular battleaxe? I'll trade you for it. Oh, no, sorry. Don't carry anything mundane like that. Okay. Maybe you'll have better luck in bouldery. I specialize in rarities and antiquities. Gotcha. The sun slumps behind the vast highlands mountains. The dusky sky smattered with shades of indigo and crimson. From the front of the wagon, Oof hollers out, Here

Here we are folks, the southern gates of Boulderay. Nothing like the quiet serenity of Boulder. Kaboom! Pop! Pow! Explosions burst overhead and pox the aurochs bellows and the wagon swerves violently.

The wagon's about to tip over on its side. Everyone go ahead and make a dexterity saving throw. That escalated. Here we go. 23. Oh my God, I'm so graceful. 16. I'm going to use my inspiration die and roll again. All right. 16. I rolled a one. I'm going to roll again because I'm lucky. Okay, 12. You've had bad luck today. All right. Bart, unfortunately, the tumbling wagon tosses you onto the road. You take a little bit of road rash damage. You take three points of bludgeoning damage.

But between the Oryx, the suspenders, and this cart overturning, Bart is the only person that's gotten injured this entire episode. Could I cast Cure Wounds on myself? Sure, go for it. As you're doing that, I should comment that Schwindelin also falls out of the cart. Oh no.

Oh no, I'm gonna help him pick up his lightning arrows. And when you see when he falls out that his beard falls off of his face. Ah, dang it. I swear, I swear. His hat comes off of his head and you recognize your old friend, Bezzler. I knew it. I told you guys. He's a goblin, isn't he? Yeah. Come by and see me in my shop here in Boulderay. I'm setting him back up. I'll see you later. And he got us all his stuff real fast and runs into town. Should I take a shot? Bezzler. I got an attack of opportunity, guys. Should I take it?

I mean, we have been buying some stuff from him. He charged me full price. How dare he? What race is Embezzler? He's a goblin. Okay. Embezzler. Embezzler. Embezzler. Yeah, Embezzler is his father, Mark Bezzler. Mr. Bezzler. Mr. Bezzler. Yeah, so Pox the Auroch is loose, and she seems to be pretty frightened by the loud sounds overhead. There are fireworks being set off.

She's kicking and tossing her head around. Fireworks is her celebration? I don't know. They got really bad aim. Can we approach? Yeah, but she's, uh, pox is kind of blocking the way into a boulder. So, someone with the animal handling just calm down, pox or ox. Pox or ox.

Sure. Mud approaches and billows his book and tries to calm the aurochs. All right. How are you going to do that? Animal handling? No. With religion. Yes, animal handling. I roll a 20. Roll that.

your cape and your demeanor mesmerize Pox and she quickly calms down and you stabilize her angry disposition. For a visual aid, this looks like the scene from George the Jungle where Brendan Fraser is hanging out with that horse. No one's seen the end of the film. I see, I see. Micah says you're more like a matador.

Oh, yeah, with the cape. But wouldn't that anger it? Yeah, usually it does. It's not red. It's blue, I guess. Yeah, so you all are able to get pox out of the way. The southern gates into Boulder Way. Boulder Way. The southern gates into Boulder Way are before you. They're unbarred and open. Okay, we go in. Okay, everyone go ahead and make a perception check. Perceive the guard grattles not here. 8, 11, 20 plus 6, 26, 27.

That's 13. Okay. Kyborg, as you enter through the town gates, you find yourself losing focus on what's going on around you because of all the loud and shimmering explosions overhead.

Yeah.

The crowd's chanting, "Tah Slur! Tah Slur! Tah Slur!" A smug smile comes across the elf's lips and he holds up his hands, hushing the crowd.

Thank you. Thank you, Boulder Ray. Thank you. All right. Hey, you know me. I grew up in this town. I studied at Boulder Ray Heights School, right? Went to Temple of Daya on Sundays with all of yous, eh? Laughed with friends over a pint at the Throne Gauntlet Tavern. Hey!

Okay. So you can trust me when I say it's time for us to spread our wings. The crowd starts cheering. My cheer is with them. Yes, it is gum gum. Nice. It's time we grew as people and find our voice. It's time we picked ourselves up from this crumbling economy and step into a new age of prosperity.

BrinkTussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tussler! Tuss

With our patented rampway technology invented by Dr. Ahem, we will build a bolder way to the future. Vote Brink Tussler for mayor. Thank you. Thank you so much. Who's the other candidate option?

Brink notices you guys in the crowd and motions for you all to join him off to the side. Hi, Brink. Brink! Brink! What's up, my buddy? I'm sorry that one of you died. Oh, God. It's about time you guys got back here. Look, I need your help. I think someone's been following me, maybe looking to take me out before this year election because of me running for mayor and my bold new ideas for Boulder Ray. Hmm.

Who do you think it is? I think it's one of my opponents in this mayoral race, if you ask me. Lewis P's and Q's or maybe one of his supporters like Cardi or Sophie. Why do you think they're coming after you? Has there been an attempt? I just have a bad feeling about it. There's always someone following me with a hood up, doesn't seem to leave a trail.

Super silent, all worrying things. With a hood up. Yeah, I think you should find Lewis and see what's going on. I think he was last seen at the library or maybe you can ask someone over at Throne Gauntlet Tavern. Okay. I mean, we could talk about doing that, but we just got back from like genuinely huge battle. We'd like some, maybe some downtime before you're telling us what to do.

Why are we supposed... What are we... We're supposed to look for these magic crystals. Do you get one of those? Do you have a dia gem? He looks at you quizzically and says...

I don't know anything about that. Okay. Yeah. A different plot happening right now. Hey, it's worth trying. We should just ask every single NPC we come across. Do you have a diagym? You know, it's just smart. Come on. Hey, listen, if you guys are willing to do this for me, then I promise that when I'm elected mayor, I'll promote you all to be the new infinites. And we'll even throw in some PTO as one of your new benefits.

Oh my goodness. I mean, do we want that? This internship has been a little rough on all of us. Yes, but do we know what PTO is? It means you'll be able to take vacation time. Gum gum. He puts his hand on your shoulder.

Wait, why are you... What's up with that? He put his hand on his shoulder. Is he doing something weird? Is he casting a spell on Gum-Gum? Make a perception check. He's cast a spell over my heart. Nat 20 plus 3. No, you don't notice anything out of the ordinary. No spells, nothing arcane. Is he stealing something from him?

You don't notice anything. You think maybe this is his political training coming out. Isn't he, like, good and on our side now? I thought. Yeah, he's running for mayor, and I'm going to be the town wizard. Just out of curiosity, your opponent, Lewis...

Yes. Lewis Peas and Q's. He was Mayor Prattle's assistant. Oh, then why? Why would he not be suited to be mayor? What are what are like the two things you guys disagree on in terms of, you know, what you stand for in this election? Well, I'm looking to the future with this new Boulder way incorporated with lots of construction jobs.

Louis doesn't exactly see eye to eye with me on that. What does Louis want to do? Why are you asking me? You should talk to Louis to get to the bottom of that. Well, we're asking him if he's trying to assassinate you. I'm telling you, he's up to no good. You'll see. But if he's trying to assassinate you, why don't you want us here protecting you?

Thanks for the offer, Gum Gum, but I'd rather you crack this case before someone gets hurt. Oh. Namely me. Oh, yeah. I think the tavern sounds like a good place for us to go anyways. We might be able to rustle up some grub to, at the very least, put some rosiness back in the cheeks of Bart, who's had a bit of a rough trip from the lake. Oh, yeah. He pulls away his suspenders. You just see, like, red stripes down his arms. Oh.

I'm not telling you all one way or another. Just making sure you're aware of all your options. If you wanted to, you all could split up as well. I'm not going to the library. Was the library where you met the... Yes. The Cancun, yeah. Oh, I want to go to the library.

Well, I want to tell Brink that I'm voting for the goblin. The goblin? Yeah. Who's the goblin? Goblin Deez Nuts Brink Tussler. I vote for you. You get my vote. I vote for the goblin. I grab Kyborg and drag him to the library. No, no, not reading. No!

So Mud and Kyborg are library bound. Is everyone going to go there or the rest of you go into the tavern? What's the plan here? Should we split up? Let's split. That's fun. All right, let's go to the tavern and heal your gorge in your stomach.

Don't think. Yeah, I could use a beverage. Might leak through me, but we'll find out. All right. Gum Gum and Bart head into the tavern. You open the tavern door and find it bustling with boulderayans. A small fire is crackling in the corner. A petite red scaly face pops out from behind the bar with a wide smile. You recognize Duncan. Hi.

Well, look what the dragon dragged in. My favorite customers. What'll you have, friends? There's three specials of the day that are marked at half price on the menu. And then there's a regular food and drink menu as well. The three specials are Moonshadow Mocha, Cafe Au Clay Golem, and Iced Miffit Macchiato. This one's good.

Which of them heals wounds? What's the... What would you recommend? What's your favorite drink? If you're in the mood for something cold, I'd go with the Iced Mephit Macchiato. If you want something with a little more punch, I'd go with the Moonshadow Mocha. I'll take one of those Moonshadow Mocas. I could use a good punch. All right. What about you? Turns to you, Gum-Gum. I guess I'll try one of the icy things. I don't want to get punched.

Okay, coming right up. So for the mocha, it's five silver. For the ice method macchiato, it's one gold. Oh, no, I can't afford that. I'm sorry. Too rich for his taste. I have 12 silver. How about a mocha for you, too? You got enough for a gold in 12 silver? That's 1.2 gold? Oh, yeah. Yeah, you could do 10 silver. I also need an axe.

All right, five silver. Here you go. Thank you. Five silver, and I'll take that and one axe, please. Oh, we only have food and beverage here, unfortunately. Okay. So Duncan gets to work making your drinks, and you look around, and there's various patrons sitting in the tavern. Some are wearing pins that read, vote for Ps and Qs, and a picket sign that reads, you can't lose with Louis. You see other people wearing vote for Tussler pins.

and tunics that read, don't think, just brink. And there's a few of them that are wagering on arm wrestling matches. What do you think we should do, Byron? I can arm wrestle. We should probably go talk to some people, huh? Yeah. I like that with the quest of information finding. I'm just like, let's go do arm wrestling. I mean, you could definitely, you could talk to someone as you wrestle their arm down or

There's nothing like bonding experience than physical activity. Maybe we should talk to the people who don't want Brink to win. I think so, too. I think we should find out what the whole hubbub is between these two guys. Yeah. So is there anyone in particular that's Lewis pins? I see a couple people. You see a few of them. There's a half-elf, a mountain dwarf, a halfling, a human. Well, I mean, I should go talk to the halfling.

Yeah. Yeah. You all approach a halfling who seems to have some Lewis paraphernalia on. And he sees you all walk up to him and sticks out a hand and says, good to meet you. I'm Lucky Cat Pat. Are you guys voting for Lewis in the upcoming election as well? Well, you know, we're actually the rare few undecided voters in this town. Oh, some swing voters. Yeah. We're trying to, you know, just get to.

uh, easily persuaded people, I guess, once we hear everyone's opinions. Uh, if you make a good argument, who knows? They might get our vote. So, I mean, pretend that you're Louis and you're arguing on behalf of your campaign for us. Yeah. Hi, nice to meet you. I'm Gum Gum. You're Louis. I'm Lucky. Lucky Cat Pat. No, he just said you're Louis. I think it's because you're wearing that pin that says Louis, so he's getting a little confused. I was so confused. No, no, no. I'm, uh, Louis is who I'm voting for. Uh, I'm Lucky Cat Pat. Uh,

And you notice at this point that he has a black cat in his lap and he's petting the cat. Oh, kitty. And says, well, I mean, really, you should hear it from the source, Lewis, directly. I don't know if I could do any justice to Lewis's words. Where is he? I don't know. I haven't seen Lewis for a little while. If you want, we could arm wrestle past the time. If you win, maybe I give you a little bit of information. Okay. Got him, got him.

Up to you bud. I will arm wrestle you Mr. NotLewis. Very good. So just go and roll initiative. We'll see who goes first in this arm wrestling match. I have advantage on initiative as well, but that was a nat 20 so. Okay. Lucky Cat Pat clears the table in front of him and you win the initiative roll. You all clasp your hands together. Okay. The way this works is we'll be making multiple opposed strength checks and with each successful check, you push your opponent closer and closer to the table.

Sort of like a reverse tug-of-war. If you imagine a clock face, you both start at 12 o'clock and you're trying to get lucky cat Pat's arm over to 3 o'clock while he's trying to get yours to 9 o'clock. Since you want initiative roll, you'll have advantage on your first strength check. So go ahead and roll two strength checks and we'll take the highest. That's good. That's a one.

It's a 19. All right. I'm going to roll. I get a plus five on these, FYI. Seven. You dig your elbow into the table and manage to get some leverage. You're able to push his arm to about one o'clock. Oh, and if you want, I forgot to mention this. At any point during a match, you can make an intimidating stare at your opponent and try to intimidate them. And the opponent gets disadvantaged. You get into their head. I guess I'll try to intimidate him. Extended eye contact intimidates me, too. Hmm.

But Gum Gum isn't trying to intimidate. He's trying to be friendly. But I think it comes off in such a grimace and a crazy, like, grin, smile that it looks intimidating. Can that make sense? Yeah, I got it. All right, so, yeah, go ahead and make a... We'll still call it an intimidation check. Yeah, there you go. 17. 17, that's a pretty good roll. I rolled a 15. 15.

Yeah, you win that roll. So Pat gets disadvantage on the next check. So go ahead and make your strength check, Gum-Gum. That's a 13. And I get disadvantage. Oh, that's a 13 plus five, 18. So even with disadvantage, Pat manages to bring his arm back up to the starting position. You all are even, neck and neck. You're strong. Pat says, quit talking. Go ahead and make another strength check.

That's a 9. Pat rolled an 8 plus 5, 13. You see a vein bulging on Pat's head and he heaves your arm to the 11 o'clock position. Oh, you're losing a little now, Gum-Gum. Can I use my mage hand to help Gum-Gum? Yeah, you can try that. Is it invisible? Did we figure that out? Is it? Yeah, sure. Yeah, I think it is. We'll give him a plus 1 for mage hand assistance. Plus 1? Does that work? A mage hand only holds like 10 pounds. Yeah, 10 pounds when you're doing this is quite a lot of extra.

Maybe like a... Plus two. Maybe like a D4. Yeah, yeah. Plus one. Barbara snaps her real life suspenders. Guys! Well, that's still 21. Oh, Pat gets a nine. So yeah, back it even. So you're neck and neck once again. Go ahead and make another strength check. Yeah, 22. 23 with the plus one. Oh yeah, 23.

Oh, and that's a critical fail on Pat's part. That's a six. So his arm is pushed two spaces back instead of one. You're on the verge of beating him. You just need to win one more strength check, Gum Gum. And I give him a big grin. Yeah.

of the friendliest arm wrestler ever. Go ahead and make your strength check. - Can I rage? - Sure, why not? - All right, I have advantage on strength checks. So that's a 24. - Plus one from the Mage Hand, 25 against an eight. Beads of sweat trickle down Pat's forehead and his biceps start trembling. You see your opportunity and you slam his arm down to the table. Gum Gum wins the match. - You're very strong for a half.

I mean that not in a racist way. He says, oh, you beat me fair and square. So I got to tell you what's on my mind. I think Lewis would be a very meticulous mayor, super strict protocol and bureaucracy, no cutting corners.

That's the kind of thing I'm looking for. Straight to the point. And you feel like Mr. Tussler might cut some corners, do you? I think he's getting too fancy with his bolder way. We don't need that. I have yet to figure out what either of these candidates stand for. You're using very broad strokes.

terms. I feel like one of them is standing for the status quo, which is Lewis, and then the tusslers do things like improvements and modernizing. I think that's a fair assessment. Pat also says, it's really close. It's hard to say who's going to win. Pastor Dev Ocean at the Temple of Daya hasn't endorsed anybody yet. Maybe the pastor's endorsement will put one of them over the edge. If I've learned one thing, you never mix politics and religion. Oh, wait.

So you're a pretty big Lewis fan. I'm a Lewis booster. Is there any particular Lewis boosters that are like super into Lewis the most? Oh, yeah. Hardy and Sophie. Definitely Lewis's most ardent supporters. Where might we find those two? Oh, they're always over at the library. They're the librarians. Gross. Gross? Gum Gum is... He's had some traumatic experiences in libraries before. Yeah.

Yeah, it makes him... It has a gag reflex, which is why he says gross. Oh. Great gum gum. Yeah. Well, I think you're a good guy. Well, I think you're a good guy, too, gum gum. Hugs? Okay.

Can we maybe talk to some BrinkTussler supporters? Hold on, we need to resolve this hug situation. What's happening with this hug? He said, yeah, going frog. It's so great to meet you. Okay. He awkwardly gives you a little hug too. Yeah. All right, we're friends forever. Bye.

Let's cut over to Mud and Kyborg. Both of you make your way across town over a familiar footbridge that seems to have been renovated. A plaque nearby reads, "Cared for by Boulder Way Incorporated." As you round the bend, you find Boulderay Heights School and its library.

The musty smell of old books, stale parchment, and a hint of grass fills your nostrils. A small creaking building is stuffed floor to ceiling with bookcases, but several shelves are empty or missing books. To your right is a burly black feathered kenku with a sleeveless tunic bench pressing a bookcase. Beyond them is a curved reading nook with a black blanket over four busts. Sitting in the nook is a dragonborn sipping on coffee and scribing on a scroll.

To your left is a desk where another canku with floor-length dreads. They seem to be drafting picket signage. I pull in mud and I say, and whisper into his ear so that no one else can hear, I say, "Whatever you do, do not engage with a canku.

Don't say anything to them. Don't give them anything to work with, okay? Mud gives Kyborg a big old A-OK sign and then yells out, Hello! My name is Mud. I am a druid traveler and I'm here to... I've got a thirst for knowledge about politics. Who wants to talk about politics?

The burly Kenku who was bench pressing a bookcase stands up, looks at you, and in your voice repeats, Who wants to talk about politics? See what happens.

We've got to take, we're going over here. Kyborg, Kyborg, he's benching stuff. He likes your kind of thing, you know, muscly stuff. It's impressive. Just wait until you're five minutes into this conversation with him and you want to rip his arms off. All right, go ahead. Go ahead. Talking to you is like stepping on a leaf in autumn and hearing no crunch. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I don't know. I'm really thinking that one over. I don't know.

Hello, what's your name? Hello, what's your name? All right, all right. Can I look to see if there may be a name tag? Yeah, make a perception check. All right.

Nine. Yeah, I mean, you see it. The one who's standing in front of you who was bench pressing the bookcase has a little name tag that says Hardy. And the other Kenku who was to your left has a name tag that reads Sophie. I bet his first name's Ed. And Sophie's making signs that read, you can't lose with Lewis. Tighten the screws with Ps and Qs. Brink stinks, Lewis Vermeer.

We'll try something. Okay. Is there a chance there's like parchment and quill close by? Yeah, it's on the desk to your left. All right. Do you think if we communicate via writing, they won't do the whole mimic thing, right? I think you can give it a try, but I think we're going to probably end up talking to that dragonborn that's over there because that guy's not going to make fun of us with his schoolyard pranks. Do you want to do that? Sophie's watching you and says, what do you do when you're not sure about something? I don't

I don't understand. We're going to go talk to the dragonborn. All right. Let's go talk to that guy. Let's try that. Yeah. Talk to the person that could talk to us first. As you try to get around Hardy, he keeps like kind of stepping in your way. Oh. Like trying to prevent you from going any further. Oh.

That's fun. Hey, K-Berg. Yeah? Maybe if you show him that you're also strong and muscly, it'll make a connection, and then they might say something that's not some sort of weird riddle. Strong and muscly. I go bench press the bookshelves that Hardy was built in bench pressing. Ooh, make a strength check.

All right, 19 plus 4, 23. Ooh, yeah, you're able to easily bench press it, and, you know, Hardy's, uh, staring very intently at you watching it and says, "Ah, speak up, sonny, and for Daya's sake, stand up straight." I throw the bookshelf at the kid. Um... Yeah, I assume you don't actually do that. Uh, no, no, of course not. I would never hurt a child, no.

I just say, I rack the weights or whatever, and I say, let's just go talk to the dragonborn. Juke the kid out. Do like an athletics check to see if he can get around him. Can we? Yeah, at this point, Hardy is staring very intently at Kyborg. He's not paying attention to you, bud. Oh, okay. Then we go over to the dragonborn. Well, you do. I'm going to... Oh, I go to the dragonborn. Yeah, yeah.

- Yeah. - Okay, yeah, you walk up to Dragonborn with green scales, wearing spectacles and a three-piece suit. He seems to be scribbling away on a parchment right now. You recognize this Dragonborn, actually. When you all first went into Mayor Prattle's office way back in episode one, this was the Dragonborn who brought you all your first coffee in this adventure.

I thought that was Duncan. No, no, no. You all encountered Duncan at Infinite Headquarters. This guy taught us how to make coffee, I think. Correct. That is right. Is coffee a Dragonborn thing? I don't know. Is Duncan Dragonborn? No, no, no. Duncan's like a little tiny dragon.

So Duncan's a little dragon, and this guy's a dragonborn, which is an anthropomorphized dragon. Exactly. Yeah, Duncan's like a little pseudo-dragon. Gotta be related to the dragons, right? I guess. All right. Hey, Louis. Long time no see. How's it hanging? He says, oh, quite well. Just getting everything in order to win this mayoral race. Right. You seem really choked up that Mayor Prattle's dead. Anyways. What? Oh. Uh...

So, wait, why would you think there's a mayoral race? Right. Oh, is it because he's missing? Well, it's election time. Mayor Prattle can't rerun because of a term limit, so we need a new mayor. What happened to the mayor? What happened to Prattle? You know what? A term limit? That is a fantasy kind of thing, isn't it? Interesting, interesting.

What a wonderland we're living in in this D&D fantasy world. Listen, you have an arm that shoots a cannon. Hush. All right. Yes. Sorry. I thought you might have gotten word from that somehow if you were running a mayoral race. Mayor Prattle, you...

Yeah, had a accident. He's dead! He's dead! He... Okay, good news, bad news. Let's play that game. Good news. Paralite totally sorted for the moment. Bad news. We had some casualties during the sorting. Oh, my. That sounds terrible. It is. Anyways...

So you're running for mayor? That's interesting. Yes, I've always wanted the mayor's job. I feel Prattle, rest in peace, was not up to the task. I intend to lead purely by the letter of the law. I think Mayor Prattle let himself get pushed around by the Infinites. And when I'm elected mayor, I plan to dismantle the Infinites and no longer involve them in the town's business. Oh, I'm assuming that's why you have a blanket over your bust over there, right? Ugh.

Eyesores. Oh, yeah. They're just the worst, aren't they? That's sleek, guys. I mean, terrible. Speaking of people that are the worst. Actually, I have a question. Your two biggest supporters over here are Kenkus. I'm not familiar with Kenkus very much. How the hell do you communicate with them as your supporters? Oh, they understand everything that you say. They just maybe can't communicate as easily back.

Like toddlers. Yes. But I could not run this campaign without their tireless work on my behalf. I'm eternally grateful. Child labor. This guy supports child labor. I mean, we just came into town and it looked like a huge majority of the town is really backing this Brink Tussler fella. What are you going to do when he wins?

Listen, he's a witless oaf for sure. And he's making big splashes by appealing to the lowest common denominator. But I plan to win the election fair and square. I know that people will see my policies and will show up in droves on election day and vote for me.

Can I enter this conversation? Sure. I noticed that the bridge on the way here was fixed thanks to Brink, but your headquarters is a dilapidated school. Doesn't seem like you're doing much good for the education system of this town. Well, once I'm elected mayor, I will make sure we allocate resources to the town, services such as the school, and recent graduates like Hardy and Sophie over there will help let me know what's wrong and what needs to be addressed.

Like enforcers. Yeah. Brink's been pretty proactive. I haven't got my eye on him. Well, I mean, you seem like you've got a solid dragon head on your shoulders. And I feel like you've won me over and I like what you're selling. As a new supporter of your name, Lewis Lewis. He's accused.

Is there something I could do maybe to help give you advantage over this whole race? Is there something that maybe me and my friend Kaiborg over here with our special skills could help with? Oh, if you could help spread the word about my solid plan to reopen the mines, give people back their mining jobs, and, you know, put Boulder Ray back on the map, that would be great. Oh, and if you want to help Hardy and Sophie make signs, that would be excellent as well. Wait, so you don't want to do clean energy? You want to go back to the mines? You

Are you backed by the National Wand Association? Sangria Knight is a boon to Boulderay. It has seen us through in the past, and it'll see us through in the future. Oh, boy. Just then, as you all are talking to Louis, you hear jarring footsteps clank from behind a row of bookcases.

Out steps a hooded figure with two condescent orange eyes staring unblinkingly. An iron hand extends from beneath their cloak and points straight at Kyborg. Kydelius of Everwinter, Quadrant sends his greetings. Five, four, three, two, one.

Find out what happens on the next episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon. Quadrant. Good Lord. So much happened just then. What's he doing in the library? We're going to have to find out next time. Is there even a library after the explosion? What of Louis? What of Hardy and Sophie? Well, I grabbed them on the way out, so hopefully they're protected. I don't care about Louis. He can just defend himself. All right. Well, thanks for listening, everybody. We'll see you guys next time. Bye.