C01 - Ep. 48 - Paralyte's Poison - Cloaker and Dagger
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This podcast is supported by FX's English Teacher, a new comedy from executive producers of What We Do in the Shadows and Baskets. English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job, while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

Compliments to all you cattle bleepers! Tow your tails onto the stinky dragon, throw back our latest thirst quencher, Omen Wide! It's a mixture of stenched rum, Plagermeister, dribble sec, topped with leprous licorice and a pinch of cinnamon. One sip of this infested refreshment, you'll be drunk as a skunk and smell like one too! Previously, our adventurers arrived at the Portapest Scar, a coastal city cursed by sickly green rainfall.

After encountering some of the aquatic locals turned aberrant and trekking through tropical trees, they zeroed in on a towering ziggurat called the Escalade. Now it seems the interns are racing in outfit of every guards to the summit to find the source of the sickly showers. Selling your stinky sales, let's resume the zigzag up a ziggurat.

You got a little slurry there at the end. I'm on low sleep. I'm a little tired right now. I'm not going to lie. You had some of that leprosy drink or whatever. John had to pull his headphones off during the intro. You came in high. You came in high. You may be low on energy, but at the top of that, you were there. I bring it. I bring it. There's a moment where we all made eye contact with you. I think you were offended for just a glimpse of a second.

Oh, I love that we're recording in person. Yes, I just kept my headphones on and suffered through it, but I backed up from the microphone so it wouldn't bleed into my mic. It looked like you were doing that as though you thought that would get you further away from the sound, even though it's headphones that are attached to your head. I'm just keeping my headphone bleed away from my mic. Oh, that's funny. We are in studio again and forevermore.

until the next pandemic. The next variant. We got our new merch! Our new coffee mug. We got our new merch. You want to try that again without stretching while you're trying to plug our merch? I think we talked about it last time, but it's now released. We have our Bart and Gum Gum, Calvin and Hobbes style. We got a mug. We got a shirt. This looks

a lot like Calvin and Hobbes based off of it. Canonically, that means that Gum-Gum doesn't come to life unless Bart is just Bart alone with Gum-Gum and the rest of the time it's a toy. What if Gum-Gum is just a figment of Bart's imagination? Wow.

Wow. But you're manifesting him. Don't say that to Gum Gum. He would get so confused. I need to go back through every other episode that we've recorded and see if it lines up. It's like some arthouse film. Yeah. That's going to be the twist at the end of this whole campaign. Gum Gum was fake all along. Turns out the Gum Gums are the friends you made along the way. You know what's funny is that...

There's a new HBO show, Our Flag Means Death, which is just gay pirates. And that's basically like pseudo Bart. Because Bart just kind of swings all directions, I assume. Or is Bart a hero? Bart is pansexual. That's what I figured. Yeah. He just, he loves love. It's canonical. Yeah. But the new merch, it's on our link. Anyway. King of segues. Okay.

Anyway, so if you want to support our show, check out our new merch or old merch. Just get some merch. Yeah. Moving on. Okay, so it's now dark all around and it's the enemy's turn. What's he going to do? Probably something bra related. Everyone go ahead and make an intelligent saving throw. Okay. My specialty. Yeah. Zero.

15. I rolled a... 4. 7. 7. Okay, so we got a 0 for Gum-Gum, a 15 for Kyborg, a 4 for Bart, and a 7 for Mud. I'm the most intelligent. Look at me and my brains. He knows how to talk into a microphone. So everyone except for Kyborg... Wait, did Gum-Gum do a check? He did a check. I'm just gonna... I think it's the same for him. It's such a bad roll, it doesn't matter. Ouch.

- Ouch. - I like how GumGum's done saves for checks and checks for saves, like almost every time. - For him, they're actually cast the same modifier on both. They're both minus three. Okay, so everyone except for Kyborg, you feel like voices in your head that are just like overwhelming you, making it difficult to think or to even do anything. - Is it possible for me to cast my counter charm? - What does counter charm do? - As an action, you could perform until the end of your next, oh, I guess it's on your turn.

But during that time, you and any friendly creature within 30 feet can hear you, can gain advantage on saving throws against being frightened or charmed. Probably a preemptive thing you needed to do. Yeah. Also, don't I have... It's cool to know about, though. Wouldn't I have had advantage on charm as well? This isn't a charm. Oh, it's not a charm. Okay, never mind. I assumed it was. I'd be being frightened. All right, yeah, it's overwhelming you, making it difficult to think. Is it frightened? Because I have advantage on frightened. No. Okay. There's an app for that. Okay.

that. Everyone except Kyborg needs to take one point of damage. 20 points of damage. What are these voices saying? Oh my god, 20 points of damage? In addition, all of you except for Kyborg are stunned. So what does that do? Basically, you're incapacitated. You can't move. You can only speak falteringly. You automatically fail strength and dexterity saving throws and attack rolls against you have advantage. I want to kill this thing so hard. I'm glad we did the damage we did before it did this. Yeah, no kidding. Okay, and it's dark.

He's gonna do something you can't quite see. No, I can. I have dark vision. He already did something. I guess Kyborg, since you have dark vision. I have dark vision too. Well, your brain's messed up though. I'm calling this all out for the team. Go ahead.

He kind of falls back a little bit. He kind of falls back a little bit. Go ahead. Keep going. Kind of try to take some cover. He's like, it looks like he's going to try to take some cover, guys. He's right over there. That's it for its turn. It would be Bart's turn, but Bart is stunned. You can make another intelligent saving throw, Bart, right now to see if you can break out of

You purposely put an intelligence-based creature into this fight. You all purposely avoided taking intelligence. I rolled a 16. Oh, okay. It's not till the end of your turn, but you're able to clear the fog in your head. Okay. And you can finally act. Not on this turn, because the check occurs at the end of your turn. This is bad. So Bart has broken out of it. I do one of those... Bart is suddenly sitting in a chase lounge with a therapist, and then he's like, Ah, it's so clear now! A chase lounge. It's

Is that what they're called? Shays. Oh, shoot. I'm like a Chase Bank. Kyborg. It's your turn. All right, team. Don't worry. I am here to... It started off so confident. So is he behind cover or is he not?

He is not. He kind of like went behind a brazier. My tip phone. You guys. And looks like kind of like a little wall next to it. He's like, he's making his way back in that direction. I can see you, idiot. What are you doing? Idiot. Look at him. All right. Well, you know what I'm going to do? We're going to be doing the old longbow triumph. 28. That hits. Heck yeah, it does. All right. And then I do 10 points of damage.

The creature falls to the ground as the arrow shaft goes through his tentacle head. Kyborg begins laughing evilly in the dark. I'm trying to fool my team that we're still in danger.

And then, I don't know, because I'm goofing. And then, since it's still my turn, like, I guess I'll go, I don't know, I gotta, like, light up a torch or something, maybe shake people out of it. I go up to Gum Gum and slap him a few times across the face. Yeah, you could try to relight the braziers. I don't like this. No, no, I don't want... You said you wanted to light a torch or something. That was the light source.

Tell me- I mean, you can't say a broad thing and then leave me to connect the dots and then get mad when I connect the dots. No, the braziers are the source of the power. I don't touch the braziers. Explicitly tell me what you want. Guys, don't touch the braziers! Clap, clap, clap. Uh, I do not touch the braziers. Okay, what do you do? You find a chase lounge? I'm worried that I'm gonna like re-react. Are we at a combat? You're the one who wanted to start doing stuff! Alright, alright, hey, hold on.

Are we out of combat? Yes. Oh, okay. But you're the one who also said, because it's still my turn, I want to do these things. Like, you set up these scenarios and then get nervous when I carry through with them. I use prestidigitation to make a fire in the middle of the room so that my team can see. Wow.

he said it that might be the first time i've said it really fast too prestidigitation say it slow you instantaneously light or snuff out a candle torch or small campfire so what do you like light a torch with it i want a small campfire using what spell press one more time

So yeah, Kyborg makes a small campfire and lights it using prestidigitation, and the room illuminates, and slowly everyone, the fog clears from your mind, and you're able to act again. You're welcome! Shot just looked at me.

Thank you very much. Am I a spider still? Yeah, you are. You still have spider limbs. But I'm not a cricket anymore. Do you want me to turn into a spider with you? What was that thing? I think I developed a taste for it. I want more. Well, the body's still there if you want to keep eating it. I do want to look at the body and see if he's got anything on him. Loot, loot, loot, loot. No, there's really nothing of any import on him. All right, I take my ears back and I lift my leg and go...

All right. So what do you want to do? You're still in this room, though. Remember I said you fell down the ziggurat. How high up are we? How far down? How high up is the ceiling or the hole that we fell through? The exact opposite. Yeah. We'll say it's about 15, 20 feet, somewhere in that range. I just go climb it up.

He's a spider. I was gonna say jump and then I was like... No, you gotta climb. Spider. Spider gum. Sure, yeah. You can do that. Give me a rope before I climb up. Oh, I got some pythons too if you want to use those. I know what that is. They're climbing equipment. I just need a rope. I toss a rope to gum gum. Hey, let's go. I toss some pythons to him. Why does gum gum need the pythons?

For us, so that he can hammer it in so that the rope is secure. And then I, can I just like wrap it around something up at the top? Yeah, pythons that I just gave you. I will say real fast, just for posterity, the thing you fought, he would have had a tattered breastplate, like his damaged armor. Beyond that, nothing, I don't think. So he was as worthless in death as he was in life. Very good. Just to be very clear.

But yeah, you can climb up and tie a rope to a python and toss it back down if you want to. Okay. Wait, hold on. You can't tie the rope. Why? Because you have spider arms. Could I, like, loop it around? Shoot a web. Shoot a web. Shoot a web. Shoot a web. Shoot a web. Shoot a web. Yeah, try to shoot a web. Make a nature check. Nature check.

We just see poop come into the cave. It's a one? Yeah, a little bit of poop comes out. Try again, Gum Gum. Try again. I shot a web, but I don't like it. A sticky web. Just center yourself and think of a different direction for stuff to come out. Don't strain too hard on that web. Try again. Okay. Roll a nature check. I've heard of spider webbing, but this is very different. I rolled a zero.

Stop shooting web, it's all web! I tried from the other direction. Your pants became very dirty. He's the worst spider ever! No, no, I shot from the other direction. What does that mean? I peed myself. Oh, okay. Oh, God. Alright, let's- I shot a web, but it's all wet. Third time's the charm. You've got this. I believe in you. Can I just- can I just drop the rope on the other side of the pipe? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Come here, come here, Gumbo. Come back down. Okay.

Okay, I slap him on the bum. You putting your hands there? I slap him not on the bum. I slap him in the face. And send him back up. Okay, now what? Now try again. Shoot that web, bud. Three. There's nothing. There's no more guidance you're going to get that's going to fix that. I'll say you have advantage because someone's helping you. So roll it again. Minus two. Oh my god! Minus two. Minus two.

This whole cavern is just getting covered in web. New strategy, new strategy. Kyborg's just gagging. Okay, GumGum, you make a realization at this point. You don't have a spider body. You've only got spider limbs, and you realize that web doesn't come out of spider legs. Okay, new. So where has it been coming out?

He hasn't done it yet. New strategy. I throw a rope to Gum-Gum. Use your chompers, hold on to the rope, and stick to the wall behind you. Can we now climb the rope that is being held by this boy's teeth? I was going to say, why don't I just wrap the rope one end around the

And y'all both go up each side at the same time. Wrap around what? You didn't say a word. Put the rope around the python or whatever it is. Pythons are not what you think they are. And then so that it's like there's two rope. No, we get it. You want the rope to drape down. But then that would also cause like Bart, Kyborg, and Mud are all different weights. So I guess maybe if Bart and I climb on the same side. Bart's thick. Okay. And Mud's a cricket. No, not anymore. Oh, not anymore. Everyone except Gum Gum make a perception check.

Welcome to the part of the show where Gus tries to fix it by having us look around. By Gus having you roll something y'all are actually good at. Sure. Well, at least some of us are. 15. That's a 23. 21. Why 21, not 23? I did math wrong. Oh.

That is a 15. As you all are arguing over the rope, all three of you notice that the enemy was killed right next to a staircase that goes back up. Dang it. All right. So come on down, Gum-Gum. We found a staircase. Okay, Bema, yeah. Oh, wait. Where does the staircase lead? Right by where Gum-Gum is. Okay, we go up the staircase and discover lots of poop and pee. You find a very dirty Gum-Gum.

I've done gum-gummed myself. Stop it. Do not make that a thing. I've gum-gummed myself. So we're back in the card game. Yes. Blaine was the last one who drew a card, and he drew that monster card, which is why you fell down and encountered the Mind Flayer. Oh.

So now that was Kyborg's turn. Gum Gum is up next. And just as a reminder, where we are, two right path cards have been drawn. You need a total of four to make it all the way to the top of Escalon. So let's see. Let's see what your luck is. You got three cards in front of you. Let's see. All of the actions were exhausted, so I need a roll to eliminate a couple of them. So that removes its elementary and careful consideration.

So, Gum Gum, that leaves Forge a Path, which is Strength-based, Scout Ahead, which is Dexterity-based, and Boost Morale, which is Charisma-based. The three cards that are in front of us are all new cards? Correct. They are all face-down. Okay.

Okay. Barb's Slack is in day mode. You're crazy. Ew. All my stuff is in day mode. What? My eyes hurt for you. I find it easier to read black text on a white screen. Barb just said everything she does is in day mode on her phone. That's disgusting. If I use night mode, I close my eyes and I can see the white text flash before my eyes. It bothers me. I hope your battery dies.

I don't think it helps your battery. I know, that's why I say I hope it dies. Oh, okay. Just clarification, on the boost morale, remove a dead end card from the river in the game. Since we don't have any of the cards revealed, that wouldn't do anything, correct? Correct. Okay. I will forge a path. Whoa, welcome back, GumGum. Yeah, that or Chris just took a shot at something. So forge a path allows you to add two additional right path cards to the discard pile from outside the game, but you got to roll a strength check to see if you are able to do that. Mm-hmm.

Oh, there's that volume. You might want to turn your volume down. That was a seven. That was real bad. I've never heard that sound before. I was really confused. Oh, we hear it all the time on the D&D Beyond website. I must have my browser tab muted or something. I've never heard that before. Wow, that scared me. You can also turn it off as a setting.

Yeah. That was a seven. Seven. So, Gum-Gum, you try to forge a path, figure out your way up Escalon, but you fail. Probably my spider legs. Oh, yeah, you do have spider legs. You try to go upstairs, but you don't realize you're going downstairs. You end up circling around the ziggurat a little bit. You can't figure out how to make your way up. Your controller is inverted. Oh, yeah. Okay, I did not find up, but we shall go center. Center. Center.

After struggling to find the path for a little while, Gum-Gum points at a wall covered in vines and says that that's the way up, and you all have to break it to Gum-Gum that that's in fact a dead end, and there's no way. People without spider legs are unable to climb the wall like that. So that unfortunately does not work for everyone and results in a dead end. I'm tempted to turn into a spider just to spite you.

Don't make me regret my flavor text. I'll make you deliver all the flavor text off the top of your head from now on. I've got spider legs, too. I drew a picture of Gum-Gum with his spider legs. He does. He looks like the toy from Toy Story. Is that what he looks like? Yes. Can you take a picture of that so we can post it on social media? It honestly just looks like a scarecrow on top of a fence. Like his little hat. His wizard hat. You're a wizard, Gum-Gum. Oh.

But Gum-Gum knows that. All right. That was Gum-Gum. Mud, you're up next. You have Scout Ahead, which is Dexterity-based, and Boost Morale, which is Charisma-based, still in front of you. And of the three cards, the center path is still a dead end, leaving you left and right as viable options. But Morale, there's nothing to do about it. Well, you have one dead end card in the river currently, the center one that Gum-Gum flipped over. You're welcome. I am not very charismatic.

I just don't do well with people. I mostly like to talk to animals, dirt, and plants. So I'm going to try scouting ahead. Scout ahead. Roll me a dexterity check if you would please, Mud. I rolled a good roll. I actually did. 21. 21. So that reveals the top card of the deck in addition to a card in the river. Choose one. So you have left and right in the river. Which way does Kyborg like to go? Left. Left.

Okay, I go right. I'm leaving it for you to go when it's your turn if you need to. It's going to be Barbara next. Oh. Okay, the top card on the deck and right are both trap cards. No! So I have to pick a trap card. Yeah, you have to choose one. Which one do you want? Give us some flavor. Which one's which? Mud invokes the fifth and decides not to choose either. Okay.

Mud turns around and goes, da-da-da, can't hear you. A gust of wind lifts Mud off his feet and off the Escalon, down onto the ground below, slamming him into the ground for 30d6 points of damage. I don't know if that's a joke. It's weird, I rolled a 30 once. Yeah.

Mud goes to the one that's in the river. What happens to the one on the top? Does it stay on the top? Yes. So wait, if I pick the one from the deck, where does that one go? That one would go straight to the discard pile. Okay, then I pick that one. Yeah. Okay, so you take the one off the top of the deck. Yeah. Correct. Okay. Oh, wait, like you said, just discards him. That doesn't act. That doesn't proc. Yeah. Okay, yeah. Okay.

Mud uses his cunning druid wisdom to carefully spot a trap buried amongst the vines. It's a pressure plate. He calls Gum-Gum over to use his thin spider arms to lift it up and disarm it. I thought he only has

spider legs he's got all spider limbs well he's got i need to redraw my drawing so spiders have eight legs how many legs are his arms and how many legs are his legs like is it two and two and two yeah he's probably got two spider limbs for each of his normal appendages to be fair i think it'd be cuter if he had his sleeves where spider legs were coming out of his sleeves and then the rest were just oh so you have two limbs coming out and then six on the bottom yeah yeah i think that's cute also uh

since you said it was a pressure plate, I have to say that Mudd plays a lot of Minecraft and that's why he saw the pressure plate and so he knew what to look for. Well, actually... Fantasy Minecraft. Fantasy.

Rethinking it, I think what will happen actually, since you choose one, that actually becomes the active card. And where does it go? So it goes into play. So the trap procs and then it becomes discard. So let me get this straight. He sees the pressure plate, he senses it, and then he falls on it and activates it. He's like, ooh, there's a trap here, guys, and there's a trap there. Which one do I step on? And he picks one and steps on it. I don't feel like that's not really useful. Well, you got to pick your trap. Okay.

Let's see what it is. He thought it was trap music. Mine doesn't like that either. Oh, okay. He's more of a lo-fi vibes kind of a... Chill vibes. Yeah. Yeah. You all are, you know, walking around Escalon looking for a path up to try to beat the Evergards to the top. And as you're looking around, you think you hear footsteps behind you. And as you slowly turn around to check it out, you accidentally run face first into a flump. Oh, yeah.

Make a dexterity save for me, Mud. 13. Roll 13. I see a pressure plate. Now I've seen a creeper. What's this creeper going to do? The tendrils of the flump wrap around your body, and you're unable to pry yourself free from its vice grip. It's squeezing you tight. It's giving you a hug. Yeah. It's being friendly. Could someone help me with this thing? It's giving me a hug. Could I help? Yeah. You can use, like, a strength check to try to get him out. Oh, the strongest one on the team. Do it. I'm coming.

Bart lunges in and tries to pry them apart. What do you roll? I roll a 11. Do you not have any strength modifier? Are you plus zero? No. There we go. Plus zero. Just my pure strength. Yeah. I can lend a hand if that didn't do it as well. Yeah, that definitely does not do it. All right. Cardboard cracks his knuckles. Barbara's getting back to just drawing more spider gum gum. I get some options. Some with shorts on.

I just said it. You rolled worse than Bart. I rolled a seven. Bart, you're feeling pretty strong compared to Tybark. If anyone can hug, it's me. Can you de-hug? I only know hugging. Can I do it? Is it okay if I roll? I think at this point, the trap card now stays in the river until it's disabled.

So we're going to go ahead and move forward. On your turn, you can try to roll. Other people, you all can try to use your action to free the trap player during your turns. And if someone does manage to free Mud, then the trap card will disappear. Otherwise, it stays there until then. So now is it Bart's turn? So yeah, it's Bart's turn. We'll say that Bart, you have the option to either try to help Mud or to use one of the actions or flip a card. The only action that's available at the moment is boost morale.

I'll boost morale. All right. Go ahead and make a charisma check for us. So 13 is... All right, team. I know it's looking rough. I know it's looking grim, but we can do it. All right, everyone put your hands in. Even you, Mud. That's about a 13 right there. Exactly.

It's about two-thirds of what I could possibly muster. Mutt is wrapped up by this Fluff, and so he just gets his hand out just a little bit. Put your hand in. I need you guys to come closer to me so I can, all I can do is move my wrist. Mr. Fluff, your hands aren't in. Mr. Fluff. Kyborg, I don't hear you. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, I put my metal arm in, though.

Your metal arm, is that your strong arm? No, maybe? I don't know, I haven't really considered the difference in the strength. Are you the Winter Soldier or what? I mean, I guess so in that case, yeah. I put all my hands in that I have eight and then I fall to the ground. Unfortunately, even with everyone putting in their hand and trying to help out...

you're unable to raise everyone's morale. Everyone's kind of in down spirits. Even with that stirring speech. Yeah, maybe it's Gum Gum's legs. Maybe it's the Flump wrapped around mud. The Flump fanics. He explodes. But you're not quite able to raise everyone's spirits. Micah suggests you arm wrestle yourself to figure out which arm is stronger. I'm doing it right now, and I don't think that that's it.

Now we need to find one of those carnival machines that you do the grip strength thing to see like where you land on like the love scale. Dude, I did one of those in Japan and I like, it was like off the scale. I was like, I'm so dang strong. I'm so dang strong. Also, you should definitely arm wrestle yourself because yes.

And. What the audience's nose doesn't see is like Blaine actually tried to like handshake himself to see if that's possible, if he can arm wrestle himself. So you are unable to raise everyone's spirits. Bart, would you like to try to free mud or would you like to try to...

I guess you got to flip a river card, actually. Play free mud. Yeah, so that only leaves one option, the left card, because the other ones are revealed. Like Bart always says, I always go left. What? That's me. That's how I do that. I know. I'm staring you directly in the face. It's my sense.

I'm pretty sure that I've always heard Bart say that, actually. I think that's where... No, that's Kyborg's thing. That's my thing. Do you guys hear something? I think that's some revisionist kind of stuff going on. I believe it was the Bart. I thought it was Kyborg. You're confused. I must be. Yeah. Okay. While trying to find the path to the left, Bart, you're, like, scaling the Escalon and moving vines around. You stumble across a chest. Oh, okay.

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Also, just another idea, you know, with all the nerve-wracking cliffhangers, unexpected plot twists, and curious characters that the party has met along the way. I'm sure you have a few questions or theories about the show. Maybe you have a burning question you'd like to ask the cast and crew regarding the show. Well, just send us a question on Twitter using that hashtag StinkyDragonPod. Maybe we'll answer it in an upcoming episode.

It looks like it's been here for a very long time. It's made out of stone with a heavy lid. Bart has a tiny little feather that he keeps in his pocket, so he takes the feather out and kind of dusts the chest off with the feather. Poke it with your sword. And then he tries to open it. No, poke it with your sword! Open it. Roll me a 1d6, please, Bart. You got it. There's a rupee inside. All right.

You lift it, and surprisingly, the lid does open up and slide off. And inside the chest, you see a fine porcelain tile that's gilded and painted with a mythical winged creature. Could I tell what kind of creature it is? Roll me a... Let's call it a nature check. It's a ho-oh, one of the legendary birds. It's a ho-oh.

I'm lucky, so I'm rolling again. Aha! 21. I rolled a 1 and then a 20. No in-betweens. No in-betweens. It is nice having that halfling luck. Luck is a very valuable feat. Fate? Fiat? Fiat? Fiat? It's my favorite car.

You know that this creature is very dangerous. It's a hippogriff. It's got the back legs and tail of a horse and its forward legs are like eagle talons and the front half of its body is like a eagle and it has wings. In my notes, I just wrote back of horse, front of eagle. There you go. It's back.

Buckbeak. Buckbeak? Yeah, Harry Potter. Oh, I don't know Harry Potter. So this picture is on like a little tile. Yeah. Like a... Like a little porcelain tile. Kitchen tile. Yeah. Is there anything else in the chest? A lot of dust. Do a check it for magic. Yeah, can I check it for magic? Yeah. I have a wand of magic detection. Or traps. A wand of magic detection? What does that allow you to do? Wand of magic detection. This wand has three charges. While holding it, you can expend one charge as an action to cast the detect magic spell from it. The wand...

regains 1d3 expended charges daily at dawn. I think it'll glow and you can know what kind of magic it is if it's magical. What's school? Yeah, I'm just trying to see exactly how to word it for you. Let's see. You use your wand to detect magic. You expend one of the charges from it so you can see magic items within 30 feet of you. So your vision opens up to another dimension and the only magic you can sense is that that's already emanating from your party members and their items. So this tile has no magic.

on it. Not that you can sense with this wand of detect magic. Okay. I want to take the tile. Okay. Go ahead and just write fine porcelain tile. In my inventory? Yeah. Fine? Yeah. Like it's of high quality. Not that it's like hot or anything. Fine. You mean attractive? That's going to be a custom item, right? Yeah. Okay. Any description I should put with it or is just

You write like, has hippogriff or something like that. Okay. I'm guessing how you spell that as H-Y-P-P-O-G-R-Y-P-H. It's H-I-P-P-O-G-R-I-F-F. Like hippopotamus and griff like griffon. Gotcha. Cool. I guess there's multiple ways to spell that too. That's why I kind of paused. I was like, the G-R-I-F-F-O inversion.

Cool. Done and done? Done and done. All right. So that exhausts all of our actions. So I'm going to go ahead and roll to see which ones we have available now. Was that just Bart picked left and that was left? Yeah. Yeah. It's the chest. It was a mystery box. Okay. So it wasn't a right path card? No. Okay. Paralites already cleared out. They last long. No.

No, they're still, I imagine, still trying to climb the other side. Yeah, they're on an adjacent side of the ziggurat trying to climb up. All right, so we're going to strike Forge a Path, and it's elementary from the available options. And we are going to go live to Kyborg. So I have Careful Consideration, Boost Morale, and Scout Ahead. Yeah, you could also try to help your friend Mud, who's still wrapped up by a flump. Just hopping along with a flump. Mm-hmm.

I mean, is that going to help us get progress? Probably going to help me not be a hindrance when it's my turn again. Yeah, Mud cannot act. Mud cannot help. His turn will be skipped until either he can break free or someone else can break him free. All right. I'm going to strength it to help Mud get out of that hippie groove thing.

Okay, go ahead and roll a strength check for me, please. All right, rolling strength. That was an eight, but I am lucky. What does your lucky do? My lucky... It allows you to do three rolls again, right? Yeah. Oh, yeah. This is different than you. Three luck points per long rest. Mine is anytime I roll a one. That's right. Attack roll, ability check, or saving throw. It's actually really handy. It's super overpowered, I think. It's like having three inspiration dice. Yeah. Every day. Every day. Plus,

Plus inspiration dice, I have four. He's not magical. Let him have it. Strength. One more time. Here we go. Put him up. Come on. 15 plus four. 19. Oh, I deadlift that. The what? Yeah. Kyborg goes over. I think Kyborg might have been a little embarrassed about his earlier attempt.

but he walks up with his two strong arms and pries the plump off of you and he rips it asunder and tosses it off of the Escalon. Oh, but before I do that, I spin it around kind of like Mario with Bowser and then I just... And it goes...

And then a little shimmer from the night sky. Bye-bye, my friend. Kyborg, under his breath, sings, You spin me right round, flumpy right round. He threw it into the atmosphere, basically. Team Flump is blasting off again. Thank you. You're welcome. Oh, Kyborg, so nice helping your teammates out. I hold out my hand. Which one? You want monies?

I'm just holding out my hand, and I'm just giving the gimme sign. Mud reaches into his bag and pulls out something and then puts it right over Guy Kavik's hand and gives him some dirt. Okay. Fair. That's a sign of appreciation in his culture. That's my good dirt. Mm.

So that also has the good side effect of removing that trap card from play. But that's my action though, right? Yeah, that is your action. So it goes to Gum Gum. Gum Gum, you have left and right available to you. The dead end is still in the center and you can choose to scout ahead, careful consideration, or boost morale. Are you charismatic? I am very. I will boost morale. Everyone listen.

Let me roll for it and see. Let's see how good this goes. 17. Listen, I know I may just be a spider, but if my mother taught me anything, spiders can do lots of amazing things. Wow. And now there's two spiders, so we can do two amazing things. 16 amazing things. That's great. Everyone feels a little better after your perplexing...

team building speech. And that removes the dead end from the river. So you're left with three options now. Left, center, or right. Center. Let's see what center holds. Another dead end. Another dead end. Is it really? Yeah. Oh my gosh. And once again, found a wall. I like to imagine that he like marched forward confidently and just slammed into a wall. But with all his eight spider legs, that's like...

Does he like fall on his back and his legs all like curl in? You just did Foley for Gary the snail from SpongeBob. I know that doesn't land for you because you don't do SpongeBob, but that was exactly what that noise was. I really want to watch SpongeBob. It's good.

I gotta. I do too. You guys want to cut this episode short once? Yeah. I'll watch season one Spongebob Squarepants. All right. That's it for you, Gum Gum. Mud, you are now flump free. 100% pure mud. You have scout ahead and careful consideration available as actions. And as far as paths, you can either go left or you can go right.

Well, as a careful considerer, Mud decides to carefully consider. Carefully consider. Let's roll that beautiful bean footage. And rolls a Wisdam, and it is a 15. Not bad. That is good. Yes. So that allows you to reveal two cards in the river and choose one. So to the left is

is a trap. To the right is a monster. Oh my god! Monster! So with the monsters, since we already just activated one, it takes two monster cards to activate. Correct. So this would make a monster. This would make a monster. This would make a monster halfway there. Yeah, you need to reveal two of them. Make a monster. Based on your previous experience with the trap, you know, it really did just affect you directly.

But then it spins someone else's turn to have to rescue your butt. If you get caught, you might be able to break free. Is that the case? Yeah, he made a roll and he didn't roll very well. Oh, okay. Then, yeah, I'm going to go monster. Monster. I'm going to make a note here. We got one monster card in play. The monsters. Space Jam reference. I wonder what that's like. That must be like a, it hasn't found you yet, but there's a monster slowly tracking you, trying to catch up to you. Ew. It's an archer.

Kyborg? Wait, wait, is that for real? No, no, no. Some arrowheads in the poop for some reason. So you eat your arrowheads? Since he's like going into it, do we get like advantage on it or anything? No, no. You're halfway. Yeah, like the monster doesn't appear yet, but it's like it's tracking you or something. Bart, Barty boy. Oh my gosh. You are left with scout ahead as the only action available. I wonder what I should do. Hmm.

All right. I'm just kidding. I'm going to scout ahead. All right. Let's see that scout ahead. Scurry, little dude.

11. Unfortunately, not quite good enough to help everyone out. You attempt to try to find a path, but man, you all have just been having bad luck. Maybe it's overcast. I can't quite see very clearly. But all you know is you can either go left or you can go right. Wait, but I turned over the monster. The monster card gets removed. It's just like tallied and sanded. I'm going to go left. There's a trap that way. Is there?

You go left, and once again, maybe it's because you saw that box earlier. You find something mysterious in your path. So wait, where'd the trap card that I saw on the left go? I believe it gets reshuffled into the river. So it's still there. So let's see. I'm going to roll here. Bart looks like Abu in Aladdin when he sees the lamp in the Cave of Wonders. And his eyes go all big and shiny and goes...

Roll me a d6 if you don't mind, please, Bart. And yeah, the cards are reshuffled every turn unless there's like a dead end or trap in the river. Bart rolls a 6. 6. As you're walking around, you find two vials. They're like two little flasks on the ground kind of tucked away in a little alcove. This seems mysterious. Shoot it.

Bart picks them up and examines them. And immediately chugs them. Make a, let's say, make a perception check for me. That's a 17. Ooh, you've seen vials like this for sale before. You know this to be two flasks of acid. What kind of acid? Corrosive. Yeah, corrosive. Corrosive? Drop it. No, I'm going to keep those as well. I'm going to put those in my pocket. No, no, no, like drop acid. Oh. Okay.

He just takes a dollop and it burns through his tongue. Come on, Bart. Microdose. Innocent, pure little Bart. So we still have not climbed at all. You have not found any right path. I'm imagining like this, the pyramid has two escalators and the infant, the... Evergards. Evergards are going up the correct path and we're like going against... A path that's going down? Yeah. We're in the Macy's trying to get up to the second floor. Running up the down escalator? Yes.

They don't like it when you do that. You still do that, don't you, Chris? I've done it, certainly. It's been a while. Alright. Two weeks. Bart, you pocket a couple flasks of acid, and by trying to scout ahead, we have used up all of our actions, so I need to roll to see which ones we are going to find. Are those things in the normal inventory, or are those custom minos? They should be in the normal inventory. That's great, though, if we have chains or something we need to burn through.

Yeah. We're going to block off Forge a Path and It's Elementary. Or you could try to, like, you know, maybe there's, like, some up-and-coming district attorney that you want to, you know, get at, like, a court case. Psh.

Yeah, but you only get half their face, and that turns them crazy. I also feel like I should be looking in my inventory more often. I apparently have a portable RAM. Oh, yeah, you do have the portable RAM. We could break down doors with it. Why would we need that? We have a kyborg. The flasks of acid are listed as just acid. Yeah, I found them. It's actually pronounced acid. Acid in brackets, vile. Yes.

All right. So we are blocking off Forge a Path and It's Elementary, and we are going to Kyborg. So Kyborg, you have Scout Ahead, Careful Consideration, and Boost Morale available to you, and the left and the right paths are available, with the center path being a dead end.

We really need a right path. I want to do Scout ahead because I think my dexterity is probably my strongest of those. Let's see a dexterity roll, please. Just those archer's eyes. Oh, my God. Ten. Ten. Now, his archer eyes are not focusing. Maybe Kyborg needs some glasses. Oh, that was a joke. I'm lucky. Ha!

Oh, you're using a locket. Yes, because we need to make progress. Yeah, hello, welcome to Stinky Dragon, where we live on this pyramid. Yeah, just at the bottom of it. Tales of the Stinky Escalon. Day 14 on this pyramid. All right, I'm going to roll another dex. Here we go. I'm considering just throwing acid on the pyramid just to burn it all down. Throw it at the dead ends. Maybe we'll make a new hole. All right, I rolled an 18. I slap myself on the cheeks a couple times, and then I wake myself up.

18. That's good. That allows you to reveal the top card of the deck in addition to a card in the river. So which one do you want to reveal in the river, left or right? Come on, Gus. How do you not know me? Left. Let's see what left is. Left. Left. Left card. So the left path reveals a trap card. The top of the deck is a mystery. I just said you would. Just metagame perspective. It's a mystery box, like the things that Bart has been finding. I was going to be like, you, you, you.

I know what it is. You tell me what it is. Wait, so then that means I have the right path to choose from if I don't want to do the trap card. The right's the only one that I don't know what it is, right? You have three choices. Correct. You can either take... Oh, I think you have to choose one. You have to either choose the top card, which was a mystery box, or the left path, which is a trap.

Take the treasure. You want the mystery. The right path is also open. As part of your scout ahead, you reveal those two. I have to choose one. Okay. Let's go mystery box, baby. Ooh. Roll a d6. Roll me that d6. All right. Tell me what it is so I don't have to tall tap. The d6 is like... It's just a randomizer for what's in there. Yeah. Four. You're...

Looking ahead with your elven eyes, which is a strangely racist line in Lord of the Rings. Interesting. What do you see? Yeah, what do you see with your elven eyes? They're just eyes. And with your elven eyes, you spot something shiny on the ground. It's like an elven ring. Get it. It's shiny. All right. What do you see, boy? Before I pick it up, I want to perceive what it is. Okay, roll me a perception check. All right. I'm not falling for this trap. It's probably like a sparkly scorpion or something. Ha ha!

It's probably something good. I've already found acid and a kitchen tile. If you find a few more, you can renovate your home. 12. Not too good. 12. It looks like a shiny rock. Yeah.

Yeah, sure, I'll pick it up. What the heck? I just heard gum gum goat. A shiny pebble, gum gum's favorite thing. It's got pockets full of them. It's a small opal. Can I perceive if it's magic or anything? I guess that was my perception check, huh? You have to cast like detect magic. Can I check it for him? Yes, I hold this to your face and I say, what is this? Just shove it in my face. How do you check it? Do I have time to cast detect magic and maybe do an arcane check?

Sure, why not? Let me do an arcane check first. I say that because I'm not very skilled in arcana. Isn't that what you mean? You're going to roll an arcana check? Yeah. Yeah, roll your arcana check. This is a four. It's a rock. If you want to save your spells, I can... No, this one doesn't use a spell slot. It's actually fear bog magic. And so I use it. Detect magic.

I detect magic. I declare bankruptcy. Same thing as what Bart just did. It's just detect magic? Yeah. Yeah, nice. You open your senses to look for magic in the area, and the small pebble does indeed glow to your opened senses. You sense transmutation magic. Whoa, what does that mean? Yeah, what does that mean? Is this an opal or a nopal? Should I keep it? Transmutation magic is when you can turn something into something else. Yes. Is that, like,

like me? I've detected the magic and I've come to the conclusion you should definitely eat it right now. So does that mean this is something else that is it like disguising itself as a shiny opal? Hey, this is I'm the one who detected magic and I'm telling Kaiborg that he needs to eat it right now. You could eat it and find out if it's a fruity pebble. So this could be something Thanks for listening everyone we'll be back next week. So

So this could be something disguised as an opal. Maybe try and use it to turn Gum-Gum back into a human. I don't know if I want that. Throw it at Gum-Gum. I'm looking for unarmed strike. Yes, that's exactly what I want to do. We can't lose our spider spider Gum-Gum yet. Spider spider Gum-Gum. Can I unarm strike? Is that what I do? What do I do? What are you trying to do? I want to throw it at Gum-Gum. Yeah, sure. Does Gum-Gum get the option to try to dodge it? 19.

Yeah, a shiny rock goes flying straight at you and hits you in the forehead, right between your eyes, Gum-Gum. And then it bounces off your head and falls onto the ground. And then I'm like, what happened? How are you doing, Gum-Gum? Do you feel any different? No, but I found a shiny rock. Gum-Gum, how many fingers am I holding up? One, two, three, four, five.

6, 7, 8, 9, 10. All right, he's okay. Those were all of his guesses. He just had to... That's a good one.

At least you didn't get to 11 this time. It's really awkward. I... Should I hold on to it? You just threw it at Gum-Gum. I thought I was going to transform him back into a thing. Well, he has it now. Yeah, go for it. Keep it. Hey, kid, hold on to this for me. Okay, shiny rock. Opal. Opal. Add it to your inventory. I don't know if Gum-Gum knows the word Opal. I tell Gum-Gum, it's an Opal. Opal Winfrey? Well, that's me, I guess.

Yeah, still haven't found a right path. Your turn is you just find a rock and throw it at Gum-Gum. That tracks for a kyborg turn. I thought I was going to save him. I thought I was going to turn him back. Sure you did. All right, Gum-Gum, it's your turn now that you've got your shiny rock. You have careful consideration and boost morale available to you. Careful consideration is wisdom and boost morale is charisma. I will once again try to boost morale. It worked last time. Yeah, it did.

Five? You're still feeling a little dazed from getting hit in the head with a rock. Maybe I should use my inspiration die. In fact, I will. Oh. Transmutation is when X amount of characters don't think that they were born with the right assigned gender. 17. Okay.

I'm just nodding over here. I turned around just to get acknowledgement from Gus on that one. That's good. I found a shiny rock that will lead the way. So everyone, do not be afraid. I have a shiny rock. I am a rock wizard now. At first, you start trying to inspire everyone, and you're slurring a little bit, but then you shake your head and shake the cobwebs off. Get it? Yeah.

and give a rousing speech to everyone, trying to lift their spirits. So that allows you to remove a dead end card from the river and draw a new card from the deck and place it face down in the river. So you have three face down cards in the river for you. You can either go left, center, or right. - Did you? It worked so well last time. - Monster! - Yay, that's two monsters! - That is two monsters. - No! - Don't mind my rolls. - Provide a cloaker.

You can't look at it. This is the one downside of us being in the same room as Gus. We get screen look. Good news. I don't know what that is. Micah just wrote, good God.

No more getting up to look for phones. That's why you need a screen. You're just an unprepared DM. I need another screen. You should have, like, moved that thing. You can put that there. Don't look at me. Okay.

Also, I'm just going to read this description of transmutation spells. Okay. They change the property of a creature, object, or environment. They might turn an enemy into a harmless creature, bolster the strength of an ally, make an object move at the caster's command, or enhance a creature's innate healing abilities to rapidly recover from injury. Throw it at the cloaker. Okay.

My instinct says that you'd probably have to channel some sort of magical power for it to work, but I don't know. I just wonder what this thing really is. I'm not even magical, so I don't even know why I got it. You don't. Gum-Gum has it. It's the thing that Voldemort was trying to get at the top of the first Harry Potter movie. The Philosopher's Stone? The Philosopher's Stone. I guess that's alchemy.

Alright, so Gum Gum, you're trying to find your path and as you're looking, you spot what looks to be a shortcut and you follow a stairwell leading upwards and eventually enter a pitch black long hall. It's difficult to see the end of the room but it appears to be lined with two rows of table, all of them covered with food and drink. So you're in a long hall, looks like maybe it was a mess hall.

Okay. With food and drink? Yeah. Anybody hungry? What kind of food? Looks like old, crusty, moldy bread. Platters with various meats that have long gone... At this point, it's just various bones and decayed fruit. So is this like the rapture happened? These people had food and they just... Are there any remains of creatures here that we could see? No. It looks like...

Like, uh, this room is empty aside from the tables that have old desiccated, uh, food on them. Dinner is served. Ah! Okay. Is there, there's, so there's a, there's like moldy bread? Yeah. And some drinks, right? But I imagine those are also old and... Probably all evaporated. Like you see, you know, cups. Can mud reach for a piece of bread? Yeah, you can walk up to the table closest to you and try to, uh, get a piece of bread. And? Uh, yeah. It's just like a really hard piece of bread covered in mold. Perfect. Uh,

I'd like to use my Huard's Handy Spice Pouch, and I'd like to salt it a little bit. 2d6 hit points and 5 temporary HP is gained from consuming these things. Wow. Even though it's moldy and old? Well, I'm asking the DM. How would you like to translate that? It seasons it. It overrides the grossness.

Yeah, makes it magical. Yeah, it's magical now. Hey, Gum-Gum, I've got some magic food. I think Gum-Gum would eat this bread regardless. Magic gross food. Magic, it's got green on it. You probably don't remember that. That's a callback to when we were in the banquet hall of the Valrossians and you kept asking for magic food and Gus was like, what is magic food? I forgot about that. We finally figured it out. This is magic food.

So I give a piece of bread. I season two pieces of bread and give one to Gum Gum because he needs magic food. Yum. Yum, yum. Yeah. What happens when I eat it? 2d6 hit points can be returned plus five temporary HP. Magic food. 2d6. While they're doing that, do I see any like bottles of wine? You don't see bottles of wine, but you see like big carafts that presumably would have been filled with either water or wine based around some of the tables.

Okay, well, let's go. Yeah, we're in this room. Is there, like, an end? So you all enter basically, like, on the southeast corner, and you see light coming from another entrance at the far northwest corner of the room. Can I do...

a perception check to see if there's any, like, things lurking. Yeah. Roll me a perception check. Tell me what you get. All right. Bart takes a look around the room. He squints his eyes because he doesn't have very good dark vision. What do you see with your halfling eyes? Is there a scary gaunt man at the end of the table that has eye sockets in his hands? It's a 19.

19. You don't see anything, nothing that stands out particularly. You know, there's like a couple of braziers around the room. Remember that? Lewis Hallback? Who's just leaving these lingerie around? Okay, those like torches, little things? Yeah, like almost like sconces. And like some old clothing, like some aprons, you know, amongst all the food things in the room. Okay, but I don't see any like movement or anything. Mm-hmm.

Okay Seems like we should go through this room Yeah It's all clear Let's go Nothing to worry about

All right. As a party, head through the room. Y'all begin walking through the room. And as you're passing by the next table, not the one that was closest to you that Mud grabbed his bread from, but the next one over from it, one of the cloaks springs to life. Ah, dang it. Circling around the party. And as that happens, two other cloaks in other various parts of the room also spring up. They start singing, be our guest. And you realize that they're not actually cloaks. They're monsters that look...

kind of like floating stingrays, but for some reason, when they were laying flat, they looked like leather cloaks. Oh, God, that's horrifying. They're not nice looking. They've got little ugly teethy faces. Or aprons. Yeah, they look like aprons. Who's up to bat? Quick, throw a rock at them. So who revealed the monster card? Was that Gum-Gum? That was Gum-Gum. So Gum-Gum, you're first to act. Okay. I guess I will... There's three of them. There's three. At first, if they were cloaks that were just floating, I was like, just grab a knife and just go...

Slash it. Right down. I'm going to go ahead and rage. Gum Gum hates it when aprons come to life. I don't like thankos. And where are they all? There's one that was immediately next to you. The other two are a little ways away. One of them is on the other row of tables and then the other one is on the same row of tables as you just further down in the room. The one on the same row of tables from you is about 45 or 50 feet away. The one on the other row of tables is about the

same distance but kind of like at an angle. It's a big room. Yeah. It is a very big room. Alright. I raged and rolled a two which means a wild serve.

You can teleport up to 30 feet in unoccupied space, so I can teleport even more than I could. Immovable rod as well, right? And you can use this effect again on each of your turns as a bonus action. Nightcrawler. Yeah, I'm just Nightcrawler now at this point. I guess I will start by the one... There's one right next to me, right? Correct. Can I hit that one recklessly? Yeah, go ahead and make an attack roll. Something funny about someone asking if they can be reckless...

May I? May I? Sir, may I be reckless? I'm doing the two fingers touching. Yeah. 17. 17. Yeah, that is a hit. Do you want me to roll again for damage? I accidentally hit that one first. Oh, we can... We'll just use that damage. Yeah.

Yeah, your great axe slices through the air, coming down angrily on the flying apron in front of you. Gum-Gum hates flying clothes. I want to see Gum-Gum in one of those laundromats where they have all the rows of clothes moving through. I think Gum-Gum hates... He's gotten mixed up putting on clothes before, and so he's blamed it on... So he's like Albert Einstein. He has the same wardrobe, but it's for different reasons, though.

As your axe comes down. Kumkum is secretly a physics genius. And makes contact with the flying apron in front of you. It pops out of visibility. It just disappears. Upon the axe touching it or does the axe not even get to it? Upon the axe, yeah, hitting it and making contact.

So is it a fake one or maybe? Ooh, illusions. One of them is the real one. Illusions. So it disappears and there's two more. There's still two others. Can you detect if it's still there and it just turned invisible or if it was just like a... Maybe it also teleports. It's just like you.

You're not so different, you and I. Okay, well then, I guess I'm going to teleport to one of the other ones. The next one that's closest to you is the one on the other row of tables. It's about 35 or 40 feet away. Okay, well, then I can teleport 30 feet? Or I can run 10 and then teleport right to it? Yeah. I have a question. If when I teleport to it, can I teleport in such a way where I can be right above it so I can... If it's

What did we say about breaking the game, Chris? No, he's done that teleport thing before where he teleports above him and then you make him do like an extra check. I'm not trying to drop from a great height. You're right. This is my fault. I did encourage this behavior. No, but you still made an extra check and I recall him failing at least a couple times. I'm not trying to teleport right above it. I'm trying to get next to it so I can like touch it.

What? You wanted to do Z-axis earlier. I wanted to teleport to be next to it where I could touch it.

So you could do what? Well, yeah, I mean if you're gonna like attack it I mean there you still next to it like you're still within arms See if it's like try and see if I can touch it before I Maybe is there like a surprise element to it if he gets if he just teleports right next to it? Do it! I'll teleport right next to it and go "Bleh!" You just like try to scare it? Yeah, before I'd act that's like more just like a scream like as I teleport. I'm sorry that was your action. You just went "Bleh!"

Make an intimidation roll. Yeah. Intimidate it. Oh, yeah. That's 23. Let me make a roll too. Ain't going to be a 23, Gus. You don't know. I do know. Tell me I'm wrong. The monster seems to flinch away. Yeah. But it's still there. Yeah. And then I'm going to recklessly attack it. Swing my great axe. I scared it. Now is my chance.

uh yeah go and make your tech roll 25 and a 23 so yeah 25. yeah yeah that hits go and roll damage that's a 12 oh 14. 14 raging yeah 14 points of damage again your uh axe slices through the air and right when it makes contact with this flying creature it once again disappears leaving only one creature in the room i killed two of them i mean that's that's productive

If I have any extra movement, I want to run towards that last one. Just close the distance. Well, I only moved five feet. With ten. Oh. I guess five or ten. Yeah. So what is your movement anyway? My movement is 40 feet. Okay. We'll say you only moved five. So we'll give you 35. Still quite a lot of movement. It's just bouncing around the room. At this point, you're about 10 feet away from the other one that's remaining. Okay. Okay. It is the last remaining creature's turn. What's it going to do?

And how are they positioned around the room? There's only one remaining. Oh, right. And it's in the same row of tables as you. Okay. What did I say? About 50 feet away to the north. 50 feet away. Yeah. Five zero. And where was the door that we saw with the light coming through? The northwest corner. Yeah. You all entered on the southeast. Hmm.

Gum Gum, you have too many attacks. You're too mobile. I don't like it. I need to take you out. No. The floating creature kind of silently glides through the air up towards you, Gum Gum. And it tries to bite you with its ugly mouth. You can bite me. He's

He's intimidated. He fails. We're neglecting Gum Gum's spider stuff and how this is all... Oh, right. I should have been thinking about that. Oh, yeah. Swinging your axe must be... Impossible.

You're forgetting stuff. I might have extra legs. I'm slowly learning how to... You're getting old, guys. You put a weapon in each of your legs and just go... Didn't get very much sleep last night. I'm kind of tired. He's going to go grievous on them and just start spinning things around. The creature reaches out with its mouth and bites at you, Gum Gum, and hits AC 23, which I'm pretty sure is a hit. Barbarian is naked. We don't know how much ow. Let's see how much ow. Roll for ow. 13 points of damage. Oh.

Okay, but that's half? Is that half? Oh, no, and then half of that, so you take six. Okay. And when it does, it, like, bites at your cheek, and then when it does that, it wraps its entire body around your face, kind of like a face hugger from Alien. Cool. That's very cool. Huggy. You're getting what you wanted, Gum-Gum, a hug. It's now attached to you. So much hugging in D&D. Gum-Gum is now, like, part...

this what is called again a cloaker cloaker part spider and then still part gum gum so he's like three creatures in one pretty op yeah

Except that one of those creatures is just biting at a parasite. While it's wrapped around your face, it lashes its tail around and tries to strike at your body with its tail as well. Cloaker uses wrap. It's very effective. It's very effective. Let's wrap. That hits an AC 17, which I think hits as well. So it does another four points of damage, but you take half of that, so you take another two points of damage.

Okay. So you now have this creature wrapped around you. I'm glad I gave GumGum some HP. Okay. And that is its turn. It's going to be Mud. You've seen this horrific thing just happen. This creature has now wrapped itself around your friend's face. Uh.

Can I, even though it's Mudd's, it has just failed us every time he tries, he still thinks that he should be good at this as a druid and he tries to do a nature check on these cloakers to find out if he knows about them. Like what their abilities are, why they're disappearing. Is this like... Yeah, go ahead and make a nature check. 14. You do not believe this is like a natural creature. What does that mean? It's like, how can I put it? Like doing performance gains and stuff.

It's like a planar creature. Like I said, what does that mean? And then you used another word that I'm like, I don't know what that means either. Like you wouldn't, it's not something you would necessarily find like in a forest. It's like something you would encounter traveling across the plains. Okay.

Okay. Like a buffalo. You would think of them mainly as like existing in the underdark. Sure. Again, words I don't understand, but I'm going to go with that. Yeah, he's just further getting into weird lore that we're like, it's fine. It's fine. So I don't know anything about this creature. You've heard of them. You think that they're kind of like opportunistic predators, obviously using stealth to try to devour victims.

Okay, then I... Turn into a lady version of it and try to attract it. Micah says it's a floopity doopity that lurks in the slappy whapper. Yeah. Uh...

Is this too much of a meta question of who's after me? Oh, no, not at all. After you is Bart and then Kyborg. Okay. I'm actually going to take this opportunity to just do something that should be helpful for a little while. Since I don't know of anything in particular I can do to really get this thing off of... You're going to get it off? Uh...

remove it from Gum Gum. I'm gonna cast a new spell that I haven't gotten to cast just to do it. I cast Flame Arrows. Kyborg? Get out of here. No, no, no. Step off, bro. Shush. Shush or I'm not gonna cast it because it's good. Let me read the description. You touch a quiver containing arrows or bolts. Continue. And they disappear forever. No!

No. When a target is hit by a ranged weapon attack using a piece of ammunition drawn from the quiver, the target takes an extra 1d6 fire damage. The spell's magic ends on the piece of ammunition when it hits or misses, and the spell ends when 12 pieces of ammunition have been drawn from the quiver. I can cast this at level four, or am I only level three?

I'm only level three. Okay, it gets even more OP. It's even more fun at level four. But I cast that just as being a helpful druid for future battles, including this one right now. And it lasts for one hour, it looks like. Lasts for one hour. Yeah. Or 12 shots.

Whichever comes first. Yeah, whichever comes first. So I slap a kyborg's quiver and they turn into fire arrows from Elden Ring. All of your arrows immediately ignite and burn to ash. None are left. Actually? No, no, no. Barbara turned to look at me like, oh no.

As someone who used to be an archer, that's like your worst nightmare. All your arrows going away. I would assume that casting a spell like that would leave me no opportunity to do another action other than movement, as in I could not go over to Gum-Gum and try to just grapple this thing that's holding onto Gum-Gum.

Correct. Flame arrow is an action. So you're left with a move action. Okay. Yeah. I guess Mud just does that and stands his ground. Stands his ground. All right. That is Mud. Bart, you are up. Then after you is Kyborg. So this thing is still wrapped around his head. Yeah, about 50 feet away from you to the north. 50 feet? Mm-hmm. If you're able to get it off, that way I don't shoot. Why are you always trying to get this cloaker off?

What? Gross. Could I move as close as I can? I think my movement's like 35. Is it that high? Maybe 30? 25. Oh, it's 25. Okay. So you're able to close about half the distance. If you double move, you get all the way there, but then you wouldn't be able to do anything else. Right. Gum Gum yells out some advice. Sorry, Gum Gum, we can't play checkers right now. We're a little busy. Okay.

I just like, it's hard to know what to do because I don't want to hurt Gum Gum because this thing is on him. It's okay. Just go for it. How heavy is this cloak or the cloaker? Heavy? Like, what's the weight of it? It's pretty big. You don't know how heavy it is necessarily, but it's large.

It's like it's it's designated as a large creature. Oh, wow. Trying to use your magic hand. So like if my mage hand went and tried to like grab it off of him, it probably wouldn't work. I would say probably not. There's a relatively low weight limit on mage hand. Can you like charm it to stop fighting gum gum? You just hit it. Yeah, but I'm not close enough. That's the problem. So like all my spells and stuff that could reach you might hurt you, but it might be worth it. Yeah, just go for it. Could I attempt to cast sleep?

On the cloaker? Yes. If I remember right, sleep, you don't target a specific creature. You target an area with it. An area, yeah. Gum gum goes nonny. So. Well, that would be.

That would be dependent on if Gum-Gum has less HP than the Cloaker. If Gum-Gum has less HP, then the sleep will affect him first. Yes? So it affects creatures in the area in ascending order of their current hit points. So it starts from the lowest hit points and then goes to the highest.

And I assume the cloaker has lower hit points than GumGum? I mean, that's the guess you're doing. Yeah, that's a metagame question. Does it go off of max HP or current HP? Current. Current HP. And so GumGum's a little damaged right now. Not terribly so. Yeah. He just needs to find the right person. So yeah, it's a gamble. Yeah. Let's try it. Okay.

Okay. Bart channels some mystic energy and casts sleep, I assume. Let's see. What's the range? Yeah. 90-foot range, so you're within range. And you center it, like, on where Gum Gum and the creature are? Yeah. Okay. This might be a challenge for one of our viewers, our listeners. Has Bart cast sleep yet and put something to sleep yet? I think once or twice. I think, yeah. I think it has worked once or twice. It's been a while, though. So roll me 5d8 dice, please, Bart. Coming in. Oof. 22. 22. 22.

All right. Yeah, that's not going to be enough to affect either Gum Gum or the creature. Really? Yeah.

Okay. Well, I don't think I could do anything else. No, yeah, you moved and you cast a spell. That's it for Barty Boy. Kyborg, you're up. And then after Kyborg is Gum-Gum. All right. I draw an arrow, a flaming arrow, and then I knock it and I say, Gum-Gum, are you okay if I shoot an arrow? All right. He said it's okay. I shoot it. Kyborg unleashes a flaming arrow potentially. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, let's roll that beautiful bean foot. 25. 25.

Roll some damage. But it's so accurate, it doesn't hit Gum Gum. It hits the area furthest from Gum Gum, right? Or would that be an advantage thing? You can't. That's like a really weird call shot, especially because it's wrapped around Gum Gum. You roughly know where my head is, though, right? I assume it's like... Well, yeah, it's where the creature is. Nine points of damage. Nine points of damage. Is there anything else? That seems low for you. Don't you roll your fire damage? D6. Oh, yeah, yeah. Plus two. Eleven. Eleven.

11 points of damage. Does fire damage do anything? Does it show more effect from the fire damage? Well, let's see. Scream louder. You knock a flaming arrow courtesy of Mud. Don't forget to mark down how many you have, please. How many do I have? 12. So now after firing this one, you have 11 left.

- Okay. - And the arrow flies through, striking the creature for 11 points of damage. However, some of that damage goes through Gum Gum. - Oh no. - You would take five points of damage, but you're raging. So you would take half of that. Two, but two points of that are fire damage. So if we divide it the other way,

You take half of the nine, which will put you at four. Half of that is two. You would take half of the fire at full because your raging doesn't affect that. So you take three. A total of five. Cool nerd math. You explained all of that and I still don't understand. Three points for Chris. And the creature also takes some damage as well. And it falls off of it.

No. Gum-Gum, from your perspective, this creature's on your face, and the world is muffled to you, but an arrow comes flying through. The creature seems to shuffle in pain, but it also kind of hurts you too. Ow. Kyborg? Gum-Gum, how are you doing? All right, let's shoot another arrow. Fifteen?

I believe that hits. Yeah, that hits. Okay. It's another flaming arrow. That's 12 points plus a D6 for fire. Yeah.

3, 15. Okay. Do your nerd math. Yeah, I got to do my nerd math. So 15. So the creature takes some. All? A ton. Gum Gum takes some as well. Are you dividing it amongst the both of them? Yeah. Is that how that works? So Gum Gum, you would take four points of that damage. What?

But if it goes through the cloak onto Gum-Gum. Yeah, wouldn't he just take like... Doesn't he take all of it and then Gum-Gum takes whatever is like a little portion of that? Yeah, he's not taking... It's being split. There's like... I don't want to get into the nitty gritty, but there's like a formula. That's essentially what's happening behind this. That's why I have to do, as Blaine calls it,

My nerd math. Nerd math, yes. A crucial component of D&D. Roll me a perception check, Mud, if you don't mind. Mud will totally do a perception check and loves to do them, and he knows exactly where they are in his D&D app. 23. Wow, so perceptive. You notice that the cloaker seems to not like the fire on the flaming arrow, and it reminds you that... Wait a minute.

Cloakers have light sensitivity and they do not like bright light. I don't know if I want to use it right now because I think this thing is probably pretty hurt, but I have a potion of fire breath, I believe. I think what he's explaining, it's weak to light. Yeah.

Yeah. It doesn't like the light. It's a cloaker. So if you got things that can make bright light. We should probably go try to open that door. Oh, damn. And let the light in. Maybe. I do remember our DM saying, mentioning that the light was coming through the door a little bit. Whose turn is it? It's still Kyborg, I believe. Kyborg, you got anything else? Do you have an arrow that can open doors?

I do have those special arrows from little Jimmy, but I am out of actions. So I only attacked twice. Don't you have two attacks? I think I took one. Yeah, because I'm thinking of like your action surge and second wind and all that was on the previous monster. Yeah, you did. You did use that one. That is correct. Then I am done. I'm just not used to to Kyborg only shooting two arrows. Yeah.

Alright, Gum Gum, you're up. Okay, I'm going to teleport. Oh! Away from this thing. Interesting.

Interesting. Chris has the most coy smile ever. Let's see and find out what happens. Can you teleport if something is attached to you? Well, according to Nightcrawler rules, it's attached to you and so it'll go with you. That's true. So I will say the wording of your wild search says you teleport up to 30 feet to an unoccupied space you can see. I can't see anything. Is it literally covering his face? Yes. What about your rod? What's your rod's explanation?

Oh, I can teleport up to 40 feet in any direction. Is that what the rod says? But will the cloaker come with you is the question. I don't know. We'll find out. I don't think it does because they weren't specific enough. So really it's on there. So where is it in relation to the door and...

Based on your memory, the rest of the party was about 50 feet south of you. And the exit that you all were going for is about 40 feet to the northeast or northwest of you. D&D is mostly math. D&D is mostly math. Conceivably, you could get to the door with a 40-foot teleport. Okay. Okay.

I guess I'll do that. Okay, so, you know, you fumble around in your pack, I guess, for a second to find your immovable rod and activate it and teleport to where you remember the door being. Yeah, I'm gonna say it does detach you. So you teleport, but it does not. So you are now standing by the door that was originally everyone's goal to exit the room. Clever. Open the door! The creature is left behind 40 feet away where you were standing before.

by the light. And Mudd tells me to open the door? Yeah, that's what I said in character. I guess I'll open the door. Okay. You open the door and light floods into the room and the cloaker makes an otherworldly very frightening moaning sound. Give us a hint of it. Mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioioio

That's just Gus yawning in the middle of the night. Make a wisdom saving throw, Kaibork. A wisdom saving throw? Why Kaibork? Because he's mocking me. Oh. I was going to say you sounded like how my dad sounded when he woke up in the morning.

19? She's like, yawn. You make it. That might be the highest wisdom saving you've ever done. I am Tybalt the Wise. As the cloaker makes the moaning sound, it disappears from sight, and that's the end of combat. Yay! But suddenly, Gunkum has a pain in his chest. It's indigestion. Bart, I know you found some acid. Do you have any antacid in there? No.

No, just acid. Darn. Okay. Combat is over. You all are able to exit the room back out onto Escalon. Mudcast Goodberry. Ooh. And gives five of them to Gum-Gum and five of them to himself. Okay. So how much does that do? Five hit points if you eat them. Oh, I don't even need that many. Well, you did get hit a few times. You can save the berries and they'll last up to 24 hours, I believe. Just tell me, how many Goodberries would Gum-Gum like?

Mmm, four. Okay, can you give one, I guess if you're doing this in character, can you give one of those good berries to Bart? Only if Bart opens his mouth and catches it by going, "Aww." Oh, you know it. Roll for throwing good berries. Both of you make dexterity checks. Oh, God. I'm sorry I put this on you guys. Well, I was just gonna feed it to him and throw it to you. Aw, dang it.

Gum gum, where's your dexterity check? Just dust it off if it falls on the ground. I'm usually very dexterous, and I rolled a six. I hadn't said I was going to throw it yet. I was just going to squish it in his mouth. Squish it? I could do my own chewing, okay? Okay. I know this is not like that one time I had that dental surgery, and you had to chew all my food for me before I swallowed it, but we're very close. Okay. All right. So that was gum gum mud. You are up. Oh.

Oh wait, so what does the good berry do for me? Oh, it gives you one point. One point? Yeah. Oh, wait, I thought it gives you five. One point per berry. Oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry, I misunderstood you. I was going to say, couldn't you use five HP? Yeah, yeah, I thought you said five per berry. No. No.

My head is in my hands. He makes Bart spit out the good berry and then eats it again. No, that's fine. How broken would it be if I could conjure 50 HP with a first level spell? Here's the long rest berry. Yeah, serious. Magic food. That's fine. He can still have one. Mud, you are up. The only action available to you currently is careful consideration. You should put salt on those berries sometime. That's special spice salt. Yeah, you're welcome.

You're stacking them? I'll have to look to see how that works. I could take one berry and put it on a thing, and that's the use of the pouch. You say careful consideration is all that's left, and what's in the river? Currently, all three cards are face down in the river.

So you have left, center, and right available to you. Yeah, let's do that. Let's carefully consider what we're going to do. Carefully considerate. Roll me a wisdom check. Would love to. That's a hefty 24. Ooh, so you can reveal two cards in the river. Do you want to reveal left, center, or right? Center and right. Center and right, just like John's politics. Oh, God.

The center card is a mystery and the card on the right is a right path card. Man, why my turn to get a treasure? Why do I get so many good options? I have two good things. You hush. This is my moment.

I'm just saying, I finally, everyone else has been gathering treasure this whole time, and I finally have the opportunity, but I also need to get a right card because we haven't done it yet. So I'm going to do the responsible thing and go right. Yay. Yeah, with sheer determination, you blaze a trail where there is none and manage to get the upper hand on the Evergards. You're now in the lead. I was going to say, in this last hour, we've moved 12 feet. One correct path. Bart, you're up. I just want to say, as we move past the Evergards, I got...

Suck it, losers. They look around. Where's that voice coming from? They don't know that we're there. Suck it, losers. Is the Escalon talking to us? All right. So all of our actions are taken. I'm going to roll to see what we got. So that'll clear off. Careful consideration and boost morale. So Bart, you have forge a path, scout ahead. It's elementary. I'll do the dex one. Scout ahead. So you're trying to find the correct path. Roll me a dex check if you don't mind.

Coming in hot. Gosh dang it. 11. All right. You're unable to really figure out the best possible way to go. You think you have an idea and you're not sure if it's left center or right though. Okay. Left. Left. Left.

I don't know if that's what you were trying to tell me. Roll me a d6, please, Barbara. On it. You could just shove it. You could just shove your special treasures into your DM space. Bart just wants to collect all the treasures, so I rolled a 2. There's a little bone on the ground that catches your eye. Ha ha, boner! He picks it up. Ooh!

It looks like it's a finger bone of some kind. Ew. Pull my finger. I guess, could I find out any more information about it, or is it just straight up just a finger bone? You could roll, like, a perception check if you want to try to figure out something else. Is there an anatomy check? Which finger? All right, perception check coming in. Wait a second, I know this bone. 15. This is from my left arm. It looks to be a dwarven finger bone. Never mind. Never mind.

Who are dwarves that would be around here? Seek.

Oh, wait. Didn't that one guy voice by James Williams? Wasn't he a dwarf that had a missing arm? I don't know. Based on the look that I see Ben giving us, I assume that's not his character. Oh, okay. Yeah, I was like, who? What? He's the one that talked like this. So it's a dwarven finger bone. Finger bone. Isn't Armando's character a dwarf? There's nothing else around it, right? Just the bone? Okay. No, I haven't thought about it in a while.

Could I do my detect magic on it? Yeah. And there was a wand to detect magic, right? Yeah. You cast detect magic and, you know, of course, it's all the regular stuff. The shiny pebble that was thrown at Gum-Gum and the finger bone as well. Ooh. Appears to be glowing with some kind of transmutation magic. Another transmutation magic. Okay. Throw it at Gum-Gum.

I guess that's my turn. That is it for you. That leads us to Kyborg. Forging a path. All right, go ahead and roll a strength check. 26. So I can muster all of my strength. So that will add two additional right path cards to the discard pile from outside the game. And you are left with a left, center, and right path in front of you. Show me, loves! Let's see left. You uncover a secret path that snakes up to the top of the Escalon. Oh!

Everyone earns... You found a warp pipe. Seven temp HP. Oh, hey. Or we're about to do a boss battle. Yeah, one of the two. Look at all these health potions in this room in front of this door I can open. You reach a final set of stairs that climb to the peak of the Escalon. Your footsteps start to splash from greenish water flowing down the stairs, and you finally reach the damp stone steps of the summit deluged with rain, and your eyes are met with a blinding, sickly green light.

Have they come to be purified for conversion?

"Hmm, no. These are unbelievers." "Very well." The silhouette steps out from behind the altar. The green glow casts harsh shadows across a hideous, hulking hunchback that stretches up taller and taller until it towers several feet above you all. In one monstrous hand it holds a massive hammer and in the other a goblet. Finally, a deformed grayish face comes into view. No, wait, two deformed heads come into view.

You think you can stop us? Nothing can stop Grizzly. Nothing! Wait, so there's a two-headed? It's got two heads? Yes. And it's Grizzly? Yes. Wait, so remember... If you want to find out more, you'll have to tune in to next week's episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon. I know this lore, though! What is it? Grizz something or another is the fourth infinite, and they had some magic hammer.

Oh, dang. You actually knew something. Give him something. Give him something. Inspiration, please. He's lucky, though. You already have an inspiration die. I thought you already had an inspiration die. Give me more. You already got one. That is pretty good. You do remember. Go buy our merch. Store.reason.com. New Stinky Dragon merch. We got posters and some new mug, shirt, and sweater. And honestly, if you do own any previous series, buy some new stuff. We would love to see pictures of you in it. So if you want to send it to us on Twitter or Instagram, we'd love it.

Yeah, at StinkyDragonPod. Let us see your cute faces. Yeah, send it. Or even better, put them on your pets. Ooh, I like that. All right, well, thanks for listening, everybody. We'll be back again next week.