C01 - Ep. 47 - Paralyte's Poison - Ziggu-Rat Race
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Well hello there Jackalware! Morph your way onto the Stinky Dragon, sip on our latest libation, Don't Know Jack Shift. It's a mixture of single-barreled Jackal Daniels, hybrid honey, sleepy gay seltzer, and just a little bite of lemon. One slurp of this sauce enough to put fur on anyone's chest. Previously our adventurers returned from the Elder Pines with two less Infinites but plenty more friends. After regrouping and resting, the interns set a sail aboard the Jebediah en route to the Port of Pescar.

Upon arrival they were met with the Evergard resistance at the docks, but this was no match for the mighty mind of Mud and his shape-shifting skills. Can this recent stroke of luck carry the interns through the perils of Peskar, or will this be their wit's end? Grab a brew and let's see what's round the bend.

I like watching you do that in person, Gus. Hello, everyone. Welcome to Tales from the Stinky Dragon. We're recording in person for the first time ever? First time ever. Just watching everyone's low battery mode as they wait for you to finish your opening statement is the best. The only other time was the RTX...

one shot. Oh, yeah. That was the only other time we've played together. And I think we did a test right before the pandemic. Yeah. Days before. Yeah. With all of us and Jessica. And then we started doing our D&D show during the pandemic. We had like a live stream D&D show. This is great. I mean, Gus is right there. I can do things like this.

Throwing an empty Kleenex box at me. I'm gonna save this for a surprise attack later. Yeah, you should have kept that. He's gonna need it when you're crying. Hey, nice one, Chris. Let Chris make that joke and then you turned around to look at me to get approval. Did I do good? Did I do good?

So normally when we'd been recording remotely, I couldn't ever turn my camera on. I always had technical difficulties with it. So I could see you guys, but you guys could never see me. And now I can see you. So yeah, to put a shirt on today, it kind of sucks. We have screens in here if you want to be like Wizard of Oz kind of man behind the screen. Don't look at me. I want to see him get confused and or frustrated by us.

It's going to take away the illusion because there's going to be moments where like we feel like we have him. We're going to look over, shaking his head. He's going to be like pulling his fingers together and just like menacingly. I just want to see him facepalm in real life. As we avoid one of the things that they worked so hard on and then we just surpass it with some water monster. So people have started, on that note, people have started more often now I feel like tagging me in TikToks.

I don't know if you guys have noticed this, where they're sending me other D&D TikToks of people discovering like game breaking combinations. Similar to kind of like the conjure animals thing where it's like you figure out you could make like a ton of like cows fall from the sky. It's those kind of things. So people are sending me things. Oh, no. People send me those things. They're encouraging you, sending you ways to break the game. They're like showing me like

juridic like combinations that if you abide by the rules they kind of break certain mechanics. Up up down down left right left right. Yeah it's that. We're going to need a hot fix. You need D&D edition 5.1 to fix some of these exploits. I get sent a bunch of sexy bard content all the time of like people playing bards and doing really crazy things. Someone on Twitter who is it? Because they just mentioned me and I need to like I need to call them out because I made a good joke and they didn't get it.

I think that automatically means it's not a good joke. At Nick Cujo has sent me pictures of this 3D printing or this crafting kind of thing that he's working on. And he's like, can you guess what it is? And if you look at the picture, I sent back a gift that just was a picture of an omelette because he's making the moon amulet. Yeah, yeah. And I sent back an omelette. He's like, nope, that's not what it is. I'm like, you don't get what I was referencing. Okay. An omelette. Oh, good old omelette.

Alright, let's play some D&D. We're on the beach. Yeah, you remember what happened? You all... Quick little recap. Just a little five seconder. What's the name of our friend that came along with us? Little Jimmy? Oh, oh. Deadman Dreffle. Deadman Dreffle. Yeah. He gave us something or gave us information. A potion of what? A potion of fire breathing. There you guys go. I have. Yes. You have the fire breathing. And so now we're on the shore after getting past the blockade. Yeah, we skipped that. Yep. Why are we at this shore? There's a

evil castle up in the hills, I think. I think that's where... No, never mind. Yeah, you were sent here. It was reports that you might be able to find one of the Infinites you're looking for here. Fourth one? Yeah. Correct. What was he? He's a goblin? No, he's not a goblin. He's an orc. Half orc. You went to church for it. I don't know. We're all looking at Gus. No, no. I'm waiting for them to figure it out. This is what I do a lot. When you guys are trying to figure it out, I know Barbara's looking at me. I just wait to see. Well, I don't have

It's a shame that we didn't pay attention during the church episode because we're so distracted by those cankoos or whatever. Like all of the important exposition was in that episode. And I always forget because I was thinking of the bird people, like Chris and I interacted with.

Spectral is a half-orc or was a half-orc. Oh, so wait, we're not looking for spectral spectral. Wait, wait, wait was did we kill him? Well, you don't know Yeah, you just said what you said past tense. Well, yeah, it's it's a question, isn't it? Well spectral was the one who was obsessed, right? Okay, or is that possessed possessed? So spectral and sleek are

possibly well possibly burning in a tree and the healer infinite who was named i remember a leave because it's the name of like a medication oh what a weird coincidence that was so the fourth one another one named advil and then we got tylenol

So we don't know who the fourth, we can't remember the fourth one. You don't remember the name? Anybody? I'd give an inspiration die if you could remember, but I think you all have one. You can keep it. I literally have a channel I made for myself on Slack that's private called D&D Notes. Just say it to yourself. You know, you could invite us to that. It was like Grizz something. Gritty? Is it that weird? Is it the mascot for the hockey team? Is it Fred? No.

No, Fred's the Fox. Fred died and that was Marcy's husband. Oh, different Fred. Fred was in a flashback. Fred Burns. Yeah. How about you give it to us so we can move along with this? I don't know, I'm having fun. We got to record this episode. Grizzly. I said that. You said Grizz something. Yeah, I said Grizzly. You didn't say it.

You came close. You said Grizz. I said his first name, Grizz. I just forgot his last name. Yeah, Gritty Grizzly. So Grizzly is what? We'll find out. Her name, by the way. Her name is Grizzly. Okay. And she's the fourth infinite. Correct. So we're looking for Grizzly on this island.

Yes, that's correct. That's why he came here. And do you remember what happened at the end? Deadman Dreffel came with you. He came ashore, gave you the potion. And then right after that, he saw something and then it caught your attention. Everyone turned and looked. The ziggurat seemed to be shooting out this green ooze that was landing on people and transforming them. Oh, that's right. Did he turn into something? No.

No, he did not. But by the way that he keeps bringing up Deadman and Treff, I'm pretty sure he's going to play an important... You all brought him up. You all asked who came aboard, who came ashore with us. Mudd would like to look at these people that are turning into creatures and see what they are. Insight check. Go ahead. I think we should start the episode first, probably, with whatever exposition Gus has planned.

Well, thank you, Barbara. There was a description I read at the end of the previous episode where they were all transforming. Their eyes were merging together and claws were coming out of their hands. And it was very, very disturbing. But yeah, we do have a little bit of exposition to read here. I'm the teacher's pet. Do we have homework? Well, I didn't say a word. Sir, you left the map up on the board for our geography test. I was waiting patiently.

You don't get to say that. You constantly are just sitting there not saying anything. So you all, like I said at the end of the previous episode, you all had made your way to the docks and you're standing on the docks now. And, you know, like any dock, there's, you know, a bunch of crates and warehouses along the dock. Sailors. Sailors. But everyone seemed to, after the eruption of the green liquid, everyone had run to cover. So it's a little more sparsely populated than it was previously. The

The acid green clouds slowly spread across the sky and begin to drizzle closer and closer to the coastline. The town appears to be made up of various fish-like humanoids, and all of them are running about clamoring for cover as the rainfall approaches. And the rain is what's transforming them? Correct. It's like a green... Yeah. Imagine they look like the Spongebob people. Make a perception check for me, Kyborg.

That's a two They don't look like sponges, but they do look like different kinds of fish can mud look at them and see if my nose make me a perception check Okay, and that kyborg you rolled an insight check. Oh, yeah, sorry I did say perception. I was just really excited cuz I saw that that was my first wisdom throw 13

The mud roll bad. Mud roll to 10. So Kyborg's 13 is actually better. Well, no, we're going off his first one because that's what he rolled. That's fine. Perception, you have a plus eight and you still ended up at a 10. Yeah. Yeah, there's like a few different kinds of fish. It's really embarrassing. You think as a druid you would have better knowledge of fish, but you can't quite tell.

I'm looking at fish? The fish people. The fish-like humanoids. Oh, I must have missed that detail. These people were fish-like humanoids originally, but now they're turning into Cyclopsian claw things. Oh my God. The monsters are turning into other monsters. Ben's just holding up a picture of a, I guess, a catfish they caught over the weekend. I don't know. With feet on it.

I love Luca. Do we know where we're supposed to go? No, we don't. I'm imagining it's that hill. Didn't they say there's like a castle or like a place? Yeah, there's like a ziggurat up on top that you all were able to see through the mist. Can I look through my binoculars and look at the fishies and also at the castle and see if I can spot anything interesting? Sure. Why don't you roll me a perception check?

Yeah, I rolled a 20. A 20, so that's a 19. Gum-Gum perpetually has a piece of dirt in his eye. Just can never get it out. That's the minus one he always has. Yeah, so you see it's like a stepped pyramid. It's obscured a little bit by some rainforest, and it's just to the south of the town. Since it's a stepped pyramid, you see that there's ways to climb up it on all sides, and it's kind of surrounded by rain clouds. It seems to be the source of this green rain clouds.

Okay. There's a big triangle over there. And it's, I think we could climb up it cause it's made of blocks, but also, also where the, the gross weather's coming from. Do we try to like cover ourselves in our clothes? Like, does anyone have a cape we could make as like a little umbrella type situation? Quick aside. I've realized something I don't like about this being in person. I don't like Chris staring at me and doing gum gum voice, like right into my eyes. Here we go guys. Uh,

Okay, you were saying so we go stealth? Find cover. Does it seem like the people who are getting hit with the liquid, like, are they covered in any clothing? Or is, like, does it matter how it hits them? Does it have to hit their skin? That's good. It seems like it's when it's touching their skin. Their skin, okay. All right. A dumb question, but I'm going to see if Kyborg is useful for once. Can I, like, shoot the goo out of the sky? Or is it, like, literally, like, rain?

It's like rain, yeah. Okay, well, I'm useless. How many arrows do you have? I'm like the idiot in Florida who was shooting guns at the hurricane. I attack the rain. Bart wants to take his... He has like a cape, I believe, that he wears. He wants to put it over his head. Oh, smart. To cover his skin up. Yeah. Kyborg wants to watch if that damages it because I don't want to damage my cloak in many fashions.

Would you rather turn into a hideous monster? If it means that I get my cloak in many fashions and it still works, then yes. Well, the rain hasn't quite reached all the way to where the party is yet. You can see it slowly advancing to you guys, but yeah, Bart has covered up his little head. Can we see possibly a path that we can circumvent this kind of radius of what this is to maybe a different side of the town? Well, there's various buildings and warehouses, and you could try to make your way cover to cover. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, you absolutely could attempt that, yeah. Can I notice, like, is it like acid rain? Like, if it touches something, say like a wooden house, does it damage that wood? Oh, that's an interesting question. No. It's magic. So then my recommendation, if that's the case, we're at a dock where there's a bunch of boats around. We could probably take like a canoe, flip it upside down, use it as a big umbrella. Oh.

Ba-da-boom. Is that an option? Yeah. You could try that. You could steal a boat. Little cape. I say we steal a cape. Or a...

Is that an option? Anything's an option. The world is your oyster. Okay, well, I'm asking, is there a boat around? Is there a boat? Yeah, I mean, you all are at a dock. You can find a boat fairly easily. They're everywhere. Let's take a boat to a warehouse that looks lovely. We gotta find one that's long enough for all four of us. Well, like, maybe we do two. That way, Mud and Gum Gum, because they're of similar height, can do one, and then...

I'll just do squats so that I can be in bard's level. I'm just holding onto the sides of the boat. My feet are dangling off the ground. Okay. Yeah, let's do that. And go to, let's say, a close warehouse. All four of you roll sleight of hand rolls. You're stealing it.

16. 10. Man. I rolled a 2 my first roll, and my second roll I rolled a 1. 25. So that's a 3. Oh, yeah. I have inspiration die. Barbara steals the whole boat house. Yeah. So how were you breaking up? Was it Kyborg and Gum-Gum and then Mud and Bart? Okay, I rolled a 14. 14. No, Kyborg and Bart. Kyborg and Bart. Mud and Gum-Gum. Okay. And I rolled a 14. Kyborg and Bart. Cart. Cart.

As you all walk away from the dock, do you say, "Biborg?" It seems like it defies logic, but somehow Kyborg and Bart managed to get a small sloop out of the water and turn it over their heads without anybody noticing. Maybe everyone's distracted by the pending doom from the green acid rain. But y'all are able to successfully pocket a boat and walk away with it. And then who do we got? Gum Gum and Mud at a 14 and a 10.

You two aren't as lucky as you all are trying to get a small rowboat to cover yourselves. A shark-like humanoid runs up to you guys and says, what are you doing? That's my boat. I love street sharks. Great cartoon.

It's our umbrella. You need to get under it. Quick, get under it. Yes, I actually highly advise you join us underneath the boat. You're a shark. Why do you need a boat? Shark-like humanoid. He says, I don't know how long you've been at sea, mister, but that's definitely not an umbrella. That's a rowboat. Burn land.

Mud tries to point out like the scene that is unveiling that this man should clearly be able to see of like people turning into monsters because of this magical rain. What's your name? Do you have a name for this guy? Uh,

Uh, let's see. My name, do we have, where's our list of NPCs? Where's our list of, uh... Ah, see, normally Gus would mute and then he'd just have it, you know, ready after a few moments of silence. Now we get to watch him scramble. Name him after a street shark. I gotta, well, we gotta find someone who's, uh... No, name him after a street shark. Communicated with us on social media. But I want a street shark. I want to talk to a street shark. Oh, they're looking for the name of people that tweeted in. Yeah, exactly. To get an NPC.

My name's Voltex. Okay, Voltex. My name is Gum Gum and we are now friends. Now quick, get under the boat. Over there, there's a big cloud of gross. Roll a persuasion check, see if you can convince Voltex to get under there. That's a seven. Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait. Should I use my inspiration die? Muddy, you removed your inspiration die when you used it earlier, right? Yeah. It's gone. I don't think it's worth it for this. Okay. A seven.

And he says, no, I'm not going anywhere. You're going to put my boat back in the water. Yeah, I know about the rain. The rainfall comes from UVA, but lately it's been doing this for a little while. Wait, wait, wait. Oh, that's interesting. Are you saying that you've seen the rain pour on your village and turn people into monsters previously? Yeah, it's been going on for a couple of weeks now. How do people turn out of monster form? Or do they just stay like that forever?

Are you with- are you there or are you hiding in the boat? I can't help but hear- overhear the conversation happening! What- what? It's a gang of boat thieves! Okay, I was gonna ask the same thing so we'll keep you- we'll keep you hidden. Uh, yes, uh, so does that mean they turn back for monsters? Uh, no, no, it's a terrible, horrible fate. So, uh...

Okay. He's very calm about this. The rain's not here yet. Does it ever come this far out? Oh, sometimes. What do you do when it comes out this far out? Then I hide in the building, but you're stealing my boat right now. Okay, where? I was hiding in the building. I saw you all stealing my boat because you're looters taking advantage of the situation. No, we're just trying to avoid the rain. Go into a building like we all did. We'd love to. Nobody else is stealing a boat. All right, I'm going to head into this building. Okay. I really miss the ability to turn down people's microphones.

We're going into this building, but we have to get there by boat. No, we don't. We're going... This... Voltron knows how to get to this building, and we're going to follow him, okay? We need to get to the pyramid. Okay, yes. Or the big triangle. Voltex. Voltex. What do you guys want to do? I turn around, and I'm basically like two feet away from Bart at this point, and I'm like...

What do we do? Oh wait, I have another idea. "Jim, have your boat!" And I throw it at him. Yeah, make a strength check to see if you can toss it. Why are you throwing the boat? Because he wants it. I don't want to fight him for it. We're not! We're not! We were giving up the boat and following him to his warehouse! Well yeah, that's why I'm getting rid of it. I'm tossing it back. But you don't need to throw the boat at him!

That's what I was asking, like, why are you throwing the boat at the man? Okay, maybe not throw it at him, but, like, just throwing it back. Like, getting rid of it. Something totally different. That's very different. That's why he was having you check to throw the boat at Voltron. Voltex. Voltex. Okay, well, I mean, like, throw it, get rid of it. Okay. That's not what you said, though.

You said throw it at him. Well, here's what I meant. Now that that's upset you, let me change what I meant. Well, obviously I meant this. Okay, so you put the boat back in the water and you enter a warehouse with Voltex? We do. Yeah, so let's let Kyborg and Bart resolve. Yeah, Kyborg and Bart, are you two going to continue on your way or are you going to rejoin them in the warehouse? Totally up to you. I'm not trying to railroad you one way or another here.

I want to split the party over something like this. I think we use the boat to go to the warehouse because we've already stolen it. Maybe we find, is there any hay or anything that we can kind of just put it under and cover it up in the meantime? You want to hide it? I want that boat. We get a good job of stealing that boat. We shouldn't get punished because you guys suck at sleight of hand. He's already added boat to his inventory. I wouldn't say hay necessarily. You could try to stash it amongst...

Like nets. I'm sure there's a ton of nets. Yeah, like crates or nets or something along the dock. We carve our names into the side of the boat. That's right. With a heart between. See, no, it's ours. It's our name in there. Just pee on it. Yeah. Okay. Ours now. All right, so once we're done peeing, we're going to go join them in the warehouse, I'm assuming? Yeah. Yeah, okay. Make a... Roll for pee? We'll say both of you roll, slide a hand, try to like...

hide it to hide yeah because you're hiding that would be a 16. i rolled an 11. yeah i mean y'all do a decent job of like covering it up and kind of stashing it uh away from where it was and you rejoined the rest of the group in the warehouse with voltex who's a shark-like humanoid i come in and be like whoa what's going on here what's going on here as you all walk into the warehouse voltex says all right it's gonna be one silver each for what protection

Oh. From what? The rain. Okay. Did you build this house? This is my warehouse. Oh, we'll go to another warehouse then. All right. Good luck with the rain. Well, you said there's a path that we could go from one to another. You said it's still far away, so we got time. Yeah. But if you want to stay here, it's one silver. I don't want to stay here. I want to go. Let's get moving then, fellas. Through this place.

What kind of shark is he like? I need to know what kind of shark he's like. He is like a tiger shark. Okay. Based on the way that they were scrambling to name the dude, I'm pretty sure he's not an important story component. I want to leave this guy as soon as possible. Yes, that's what I'm saying. We should go to the next warehouse. Okay, then we should look to see if we can see what our next safe path is. Didn't you look before and see that there was a path of houses? Yes, but he hadn't given me any more detail on that. Why don't you turn into a little bitty cricket or something? And then I'll...

I'll do that. Okay, I got a flower. What is this? What is this going to? I want to grow an Amazon water lily, which is a big, like, umbrella-type flower, and use it as an umbrella. I can see Chris's screen. He has, like, a bunch of flowers and a bunch of different plants. We know he's been doing this the entire time. He's been googling flowers the entire time. I want to grow an Amazon water lily, which is, like, a big... It sits on the... It protects you from... It's like... Look at it.

We know. We know. And then you turn into a little creature set on my shoulder, a cricket, and then that'll be my cover. That thing's going to give away immediately. You're going to turn into a monster in seconds. Have I seen a cricket?

I'm gonna assume yes. Okay. You've definitely heard them every time a joke is flopped. Or you could turn into something else a little. I don't care. No, I like it. I want to add cricket to my list. I added it. I'm a cricket. I'm down for this. Yes, and. Yes, and I'm a cricket. You are a cricket. So you want to make this Amazon water lily? Now I'm going to play Gum Gum's Conscience. How big are they? Uh...

Didn't really think this through, huh? No, no, no. He's got to Google through Gum Gum's encyclopedic knowledge of flowers. I want you to specifically be the cricket from Mulan. Yeah, cricket. The one that messes everything up for her at all.

No, Cricky's the lucky one. Remember when she was in that ceremony at the beginning and he was like jumping all around and causing a ruckus and stealing all the tea? But that got her out of being matched up with some doofus in the village. He was going to bring honor for her family. Yeah, but then she found honor later on in a better way. Yeah, but was that the critical? Because she killed the most men ever that any princess has ever done. Up to four to six feet across. Four to six feet across. So you could fit two people under Amazon Water. And a cricket.

And a cricket. Well, I have my cloak that I could use. Oh, okay. So it would be Kyborg and Gum-Gum under the water lily with cricket mud. Yeah, I feel safer. And then Bart using his cloak. Wait, you want to go back and get your boat? I feel safer under the boat. The boat's like not, it's, I mean, it's made of organic material. It's wood, but sure. But like, it's like, it's more sturdy. We're going to have to record three episodes today, aren't we?

No, this is fine. You guys will go back to doing your boat thing, and I will stay with Gum-Gum as I was before, and I'm under the water lily with him. Okay, but not as a cricket. I'm a cricket. So you're a cricket. Yes. Cricket Mud and Gum-Gum, regular Gum-Gum, are under an Amazon water lily, and then Kyborg and Bart are going to go back and get their boat, and you all are going to make your way, making your way uptown. Yeah. Towards the Ziggurat. Bye-bye, friend. Here's your silver. Give him the silver anyways. Yeah. Plays.

doing business. Okay, so you all start making your way this way. Out of curiosity, Gum Gum, you are going to flip that Amazon water lily upside down, right? He's not going to just gather. Okay, I

I just want to be clear. It's not just going to gather all of the liquid and then spill it all on you. I'm being nice here because I think otherwise... What a change that would be. Cricket mud would have advised him to do that. Yeah, okay. So you all start making your way, and as you make your way, you stop seeing these fish-like humanoids, and you instead start seeing what appear to be monsters, possibly these humanoids who've been hit by the rain.

What do you want to do? Do you want to continue through them or do you want to try to sneak around through them or what's your approach here? How do they look? You said they've been hit by the rain. Are they like incapacitated? No, they've transformed. They're no longer fish like humanoids. They look like monsters.

Give me like a stitch. Everyone roll me a... They're now humans on top and fish on the bottom. My God. Everyone roll me a... Let's call it a wisdom check just for fun. Okay. 17. 18. 17. 17. Wow. You all are so, so wise. You all recognize at least one of the monsters. Not like personally, but the type of monster. You recognize a flump.

Which you know that Gum Gum has conjured before. Hold on. Are they all flumps? No, not all of them. Just some of them are. That's like a floating jellyfish guy. Wait, wait, wait. Does that mean that then they're not all turned into that same Cyclopsian claw thing? No, they're all transformed into different kinds of monsters. There's a few different kinds. Oh.

One of which is a flump, and you all remember that you've seen that kind of monster before. Do we think the flump we saw in like many, many episodes ago could have been from this village? Well, flumps are monsters that are naturally occurring in this fantasy world. Correct. And so... Well, you never know. The one we saw didn't necessarily... This is somebody from this village got turned into a flump. Yeah, the other one was like Gum-Gum summoning it like a Patronus.

Okay, so we see a flump. If you want, you can roll like a nature check to see if you remember stuff about flumps. I remember that the one that Gum Gum had blew up, but I don't know if that's a natural thing for flumps. Are they like Voltorbs and electrodes? I don't have great nature abilities if anyone else wants to. I got a negative one. I'm rolling it now. Aren't you a druid? Yes.

But I put all of my stats into wisdom, not intellect, because wisdom is more helpful for druids. I'm a plus two because I'm a wood elf, and I still rolled a seven. We talked about this, that there's not many characters in D&D that really benefit from intellect, which then leads to parties having a bunch of morons. A bunch of dummies. Yeah, you know you've seen them. You don't remember much about them. You remember that they floated around. Mud, if you turn into a flump as well, it then...

put on like makeup like a Bugs Bunny like cartoons thing and then you go play nice with it sneak around it I don't think a flump is a beast I can turn into I believe that's a monster correct I can turn into beasts yeah haven't you noticed I've only been turning into like animals where are all the flumps is there a path through the flumps where we might be able to sneak turn into a dinosaur that's an animal a creature I guess it's not a monster

Think about it this way. Animals that you could potentially have seen on Earth at some time, those are animals. Those aren't monsters. That's a beast that I can turn into. They seem to be kind of wandering around aimlessly. You think you could dart around and make your way through. You might have to make some stealth checks to try to get around. I genuinely think that we should not be fighting an entire village of monsters and should do our best to be as stealthy as possible. I agree with that.

Bart always errs on the side of stealth. Yeah, especially when we're trying to hold up stuff around us to not get hit by rain. Exactly. We have enough things trying to mess with us at the same time. I think we just move forward. How do we do stealth when we got a ding-dang boat in a tiger lily pad? Well, observe.

Would you like me to roll a stealth check? Roll a stealth check for me, Bart. 23. Bart just pulls the boat down and crouches. You have plus 10 on stealth. I sure do. Jesus. That's why I always are on a stealth.

Mark shows Skyborg how easy it is to hide in the boat by just stopping and turtling. Yeah, just picture this as that game in Mario Party where you're in the barrels and you got the chain chomp and you got to go press the button and go back. And so every time he turns around to look at you, you go. Yeah, just like that. I'm going to cast pass without a trace. You did cast pass without a trace. Okay, so then should we still have it in effect? Like an hour? If it's an hour, yes. Yeah. Oh, but then I turn into a cricket. Oh. And I want to be honest. A little concentrated.

So I'm a cricket and I can't do spells. Never mind, we're not doing... But I should have a high stealth check if I'm a cricket. I will be stealth. Okay, I am relying upon Gum-Gum. Hey man, if you need to hop in under this boat, we got you covered. Literally. I'm whispering into Gum-Gum's ears. You've got this, you've got this. You're the darkness. You're made of shadows. I rolled an 11.

But I'm not done. I'm also going to poster meself. Meself? He's GumGum Irish? We spent five minutes with some pirates and all of a sudden GumGum is speaking their language.

So I rolled a 1, so that becomes, I bolstered an extra 1. Rolling a 2 gives you plus 1? Well, I rolled a d6, and it says roll a d3. Oh, gotcha, gotcha. Okay, so that's a 12 then for stealth. No, because it's a d3, and a first 2 is a d3. Yeah, it's a 12. 11 plus 1. Oh, yes. Math can sometimes be hard. Improv in math, D&D.

He fails. He drinks a gallon of the rainwater. Hey, he's turned into a monster before. I'm not going to like rules lawyer at this time, but reading bolster magic, it reads to me like this is something you need to do before you roll. Oh, like you have to have had bolster magic already on you. That's kind of like I needed to do guidance before. Yeah. So like you can't roll, get a bad roll and then say you're going to bolster magic. You should bolster magic before. It's fine for this one.

Just going forward, let's make sure that the bolster magic is done before any potential roll. Gus is being the cool teacher today. Today? Also, it didn't matter because there's a 1.

Yeah, so 11. 12. Okay, so you're going to let him have this? Yeah, I'm letting him have this. We're having a side discussion over here. This is about your Pass Without a Trace mod. It's not on right now. If you cast it before transforming, your concentration is not broken. Really? Yes. You could transform and still concentrate? So Wild Shape isn't a concentration breaker? Correct. Oh, okay.

So since you cast it as regular mud, it stays through your transformation. So you still have that one hour. So pass without a trace would still be active. Plus 10 to everybody. You get plus 10 and you get plus 10. I don't even need to bolster. Does that mean I have plus 20 to my stuff? Yes. Good Lord. You can't see us. Yeah. So yeah, GumGum, you actually had a 22 instead of a 12. Okay.

- Okay. - Oh, nice. - Yeah. You all are able to manage to successfully navigate your way around any of these monsters that you see. Flumps, and I just want to be clear, there are other monsters. The only one you recognize that you all have encountered in the past is a Flump. That's why I point that one out. - Out of curiosity, what are the other monsters? - As a cricket, Mud pulls out just a tiny little piece of paper and starts sketching them just to take notes of what these little monsters are. Just making them look. - I'm just taking sketches for notes so I can be a better druid. - Okay. - I'll give you broad descriptions. So in addition to the Flump, you also see like,

a floating head with little eye stalks. It looks like a monstrous head with sharp teeth.

Meta game wise, yes, it would look very similar to Beholder. Like in the game, I don't think your characters know what a Beholder is, but very similar to that. Yeah. You see just kind of amorphous mounds of flesh covered in mouths and arms and eyes, just kind of looking in every direction, babbling nonsense the entire time. Ditto. Sleep paralysis ditto. You see bipedal monsters with spikes on their back and one giant eye.

and large claws at the end of their hands. You see what appear to be four-legged walking brains milling about in the street. These are not nice looking things. And something that looks like an even more disgusting gargoyle with a big bulbous head and very sinewy wings and long claws at the end of its hands. Okay. So yeah, I mean like stuff of nightmares is walking around. I'm sure they're still beautiful on the inside.

As we walk by the four-headed brain going... I'm sure you got a great personality. Okay, so we stealthily make our way through. Also, Micah has to now sound design all of those creatures.

We'll give him some. You just did it for him. Yep. Oh, my cheek. I can't grab my cheek because of my beard. I wanted to do that. Thank you, Barbara. I got you. Why can't I grab my face? Everyone, just for fun. It's never for fun. It's never for fun. Just for fun. Roll me dexterity checks. Dexterity save or check? Check. 20. 19. Nine. I think I rolled a 10.

12, but that was a save. I don't know. Dexterity check 12. That's what it says. Okay.

Okay, Gum Gum, roll me a constitution save. Uh-oh. You're going to turn into a monster. Someone's making a spell that's hurting our Gum Gum. Seven. I'm awfully proud about that seven there, Chris. You're really happy about that. If you say it with more confidence, you get a plus two. Yeah. I don't think that would help either. You have an inspiration. I don't know what's happening yet. Let's just see what happens. Yeah, go ahead. Turn into a gargoyle. Maybe he gets another tail. Yes.

Oh yeah, your tail did go away. The tail slowly faded over the course of a couple of hours. I'm glad you brought it up. I meant to bring that up this episode because we hadn't revisited that. It was the tail end of it. The end of the tail. I was going to ask Mrs. Reisinger to make a tail out of felt so that we can attach it to his little action figure that he got from her. That's so cute.

Mrs. Reisinger. I haven't heard my mom referred to in that sense in a long time. So as you're walking along, Gum-Gum, you realize a little bit of a, there's like a little hole in your water lily. And some of the rain manages to collect in there and drip onto your hand where you're holding the water lily. Dang it, Gum-Gum! You know, you don't realize it for a little while. Then when you look at your hand, you see that your hand is slowly transforming.

Cut it off! Cut it off! It becomes like a spider leg. Oh, spiders! In fact, all of your limbs begin transforming. Gum-Gum now has eight spider legs. Instead of real legs? Yeah, he has no regular arms or legs. He has spider limbs. Oh.

Anybody's got like a... Can I get under that boat? This is just like that M. Night Shyamalan movie where they had the hole in the Jeep. Anybody else? What movie? The M. Night Shyamalan movie. Which one? The one where like nature kills them? Oh, The Happening. Oh, I never saw that one. More like The Crappening. Ben is pointing and nodding furiously because he knows. Everyone else is like,

I'm impressed that you've remembered any details about that movie because my brain has just smoothed that movie over into just generally like mush. Yeah, it was the one that Mark Wahlberg got mean for because he's like, what's happening? I'm Mark Wahlberg. I'm Marky Marks.

Okay, so we've got Spider- He's getting his bite here. It's still the torso of Gum-Gum, just spider legs. He's still big. He's still big. What about his head? It's Gum-Gum. How big are the legs? They'd be fairly long. They're probably about the same size as Gum-Gum's normal limbs. I won't get under that boat now. Gum-Gum scurries under the boat and climbs up under it. Get away from us!

Back beast. It looks like the toy from Toy Story, just the spider legs and then the head of Gum-Gum. Gum-Gum, so I know you got a fear of spiders. Whatever you do, just don't look at your reflection at any point in time, okay, buddy? Okay. High five. Gum-Gum. Yeah, I was going to say, Gum-Gum, show me on your hands how old you are. Micah called you Gum-Gum-Gum-Gum-Gum-Gum-Gum.

Eight of them. I'm still a cricket. We're under the boat. Wouldn't it be 16 of them? Because it's gum gum is his. Oh, that's a good point. Gum, gum, gum, gum, gum, gum, gum, gum, gum. There you go.

Is it still raining over here? Well, I got a zero.

A literal zero. I rolled a 23. 13. 24. Okay. In my perception check grid on my block, there is no zero. Gum Gum, I don't know what to tell you. Gum Gum, could you please open your eyes, please? We're trying to look at stuff. I don't want to because I'm scared of myself. He's got eight eyes now.

Only look forward. Maybe, GumGum, you're having a little bit of a panic attack. Like, the humid air just feels like it's smothering you and suffocating you. Like, the air's so humid and moist, it's just, like, filling your lungs, and you're having trouble getting, like, a good solid breath. LAUGHTER

Kaiborg, you just feel unnerved by all the chirps and unnatural squawks echoing throughout the trees, and every once in a while, you catch furtive shadows lurking just out of your peripheral vision. Then Bart and Mud are two perception boys. Both of you match a scout and find a path that appears to lead towards your destination of the ziggurat. And while you're scouting out this path, you spot several figures cloaked in black who are also approaching the ziggurat from another angle.

Is it like the same black cloaks that the Evergards wear? Roll me, um, what would we call that? Let's just call that a wisdom check. Wisdom check? Yeah. 18. 15. Yes, you both do believe that those are the same kind of cloaks that the Evergards have worn. How many? From what you can see, about between six and eight of them. Oh my god. I'm going to change my cloak of many fashions of the Black Evergard.

And how far ahead are they from us? It's like the kind of thing where you see them in passing. You know, you're scouting out, you're kind of in the brush, and they kind of walk by on a trail and just continue on towards the ziggurat. So they pass by us, they're not in front of us. Correct. They keep moving. Should we engage or should we follow? I think we should continue being stealthy and maybe see where they're going and like maybe stealthily follow behind at like a distance where we can still see them, but not be too on their tail. Good call. Yeah, let's do that. Okay. Okay.

All right, you guys, just keep moving back there. Stay calm and don't look around too much. Bart says confidently. I'm trying my best not to look at anything. Keep up the good work. The tableau of what this is, though, is that it is still Bart and Kyborg holding up the boat, and then there is Spider Gum-Gum underneath the boat, and Cricket Mud is still on Spider Gum-Gum. Spider Gum-Gum's getting hungry. Uh-oh.

Is Gum-Gum still the same size as he was before? Okay. Just with... Wow, that's creepy. Spider limbs. Yeah. Because at first I was thinking, is he now fully a spider with a cricket on him? No, no. It's like Gum-Gum's torso with Gum-Gum sized limbs as spider legs. I hate it. Yeah, it sounds gross.

Send us your fan art! @StinkyDragonPod #StinkyDragonPod Maybe you'll become an NPC in the show like Voltex did. Okay, so you guys press on and eventually the tree line begins to clear. You come upon a clearing and before you stands a monumental step pyramid, a ziggurat, crafted from archaic stone and swath in vines. A handful of stone stairways seem to ascend the ziggurat from each side. None of them appear to reach the top, but they each climb up and land at various levels of the monument.

At the peak of the pyramid, you spot the same sickly green emitting into the cloudy skies above. Amongst the haze, you spot a few silhouettes skulking around a platform or altar. FOOSH! A portal opens up at an adjacent side of the ziggurat. Out steps a cloaked woman with deep black eyes and a bewitching pale face. A paralite.

Oh. Oh my gosh.

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We're still outside the castle? The ziggurat. The ziggurat? The ziggurat. This is like prime evil place. Like this is super bad guy headquarters. Nine, 17, 16. 20. It looks like Bart is first with a 20. Got Kyborg with a 17. Gum Gum with a 16. And Mud with a nine.

I feel like Mud normally acts early. It's weird to see you at the bottom of the initiative roll there, Mud. I think it's better if I act late. He gets to assess what we all do and then make the best decision based on that. I mean, that's the druid's role is I'm supposed to be the flex. Okay.

It does sound like an egotistical term, but it's more of a gaming term. Nice flex, bro. Mm-hmm. What's the... You know me and my ego. Weird flex, bro. Yeah, weird flex. Weird flex, bro. Weird flex, but okay. That's what happened to Blaine when he broke... Weird flex. He had to do weird flex, but now he's okay. Yeah. Does Spider Gum Gum have spider powers? Yeah.

Because I can help him learn how to use them. You can mentor him. What are spider powers? Like, what are you asking Gum-Gum? Oh, I'm saying, like, does he have, like, when I turn into a spider, I get powers. What I'm saying is don't ask me. You have to ask him. John just wants his own, like, Miles Morales to his Peter Parker. Ha ha ha!

Like, what are you having him try to do? Well, he's already shown that he can climb walls. You said that he was able to do this. That's like, that's already spider stuff. Spider 101. You already went to the first day's class. Gum Gum, you might have webs now. You should try that in battle. I have webs. Try squirting, Gum Gum. That poot.

Can I try and shoot webs? On your turn. Yeah, yeah. On your turn, I'll let you mess around and try some of that stuff. I have to look up to see if a cricket has any moves. Yeah, look at the cricket stat block. It's not in there in the beasts catalog. Probably some like auditory thing, right? Here, I'll look up an insect. Great.

Okay, so we're going to approach this as we're going to use a mechanic that we've used before, where you guys are essentially going to be racing up to the top of this ziggurat, and we're going to be using some cards, like a card minigame. Aw, yeah. So I've got a deck of cards that represents the progress and perils waiting for you on your race against the Evergards to the top of Escalon. There's four different cards in the deck.

Right path card, dead end card, trap card, and monster cards. And we don't know which will be which. Correct. Right path meaning correct path. Correct. There is no left path card. That's what I was waiting for that. I was like, right, dead end, trap, monster. I think, yeah, because we did something previously where it was like, you go right, you go left, you go straight. Exactly.

So there's uh, we're gonna use the initiative that you guys rolled for the gameplay and each of you takes one turn per round on each turn I'll deal out three cards face down representing the trail before you left center and right. That's like what you're talking about

On your turn, you can take an action and/or pick a card to be revealed. There will only be three types of actions available, and once an action is used, it cannot be used again until all actions have been used. Once the actions have been used, then three different cards will be unlocked again. What are the actions again? So the actions are: Forge a Path, Scout Ahead, It's Elementary, Careful Consideration, and Boost Morale. And basically each of them is tied to a different skill. So Forge a Path is tied to Strength,

and it allows you to add two additional right path cards to the discard pile from outside the game. Scout Ahead is related to Dexterity. It allows you to reveal the top card of the deck in addition to a card in the river and you choose one. It's Elementary is intelligence based. You draw three cards from the deck, choose one, put it on the bottom of the deck and you shuffle the remaining cards and place them on top of the deck.

Careful Consideration is Wisdom-based. It reveals two cards in the river this turn, and you choose one. And Boost Morale is Charisma-based. It removes a dead-end card in the river from the game, and you draw a new card from the deck and place it face-down in the river. I assume there would be rolls attached to those moves to see if you succeed them. Correct, and that's why they're each tied to one of those skills. And

And like we mentioned earlier, the right path cards represent making the correct choice when approaching an intersection. So you move closer to the top. And when you reveal a right path card, the party scores one point towards reaching the destination. And the goal of the game is to earn four right path cards before time runs out. And if you do that, you reach the peak of the Escalon before the Evergards.

what's the esk one is the pyramid yes got it it's a cool name dead end cards represent taking the incorrect path requiring you to double back the way you came when they reveal dead end cards stay in play until they fill the trail they are then removed an additional monster card is added to the discard pile i know this is not anything to do with the card game or anything like that but where are the evergards in relation to us right now since it's like if you think about like a ziggurat you know it's like got like the base of a square you all are approaching from one side and they're approaching from another side

climbing up. So they don't quite see you. You know that they're there, but they haven't seen you and know that you're there also racing up to the top. And we don't know what will happen if we both get to the top at the same time. Correct. We're different sets of kids trying to do Legends of the Hidden Temple at the same time. Ah, fair enough.

Monster cards represent a monster lurking amongst the chambers of the Escalon, drawing closer to the party. When revealed, you earn one point towards encountering a monster. When you've revealed two monster cards, you encounter a monster, at which point you enter combat using the initiative you rolled. And I'll roll for the monster's initiative and slot it in. When you successfully defeat a monster, one monster card is removed from the deck, lowering the chances to encounter one again. And finally, trap cards represent traps.

You use your skills, abilities to avoid hazards laid throughout the Escalon, each with varying degrees of difficulty and effects. I know I just read a lot. It's actually really straightforward, really simple. We've done this once before. Yeah, is this exactly like how we did before? Exactly. Okay, then I'm like, I was trying to listen for anything that was different than it. Yeah, exactly.

Exactly. What episode did we do that in? I don't remember. It was a cave. In the teens, I think. Yeah, it's been a while. At the end of the cave, we met Smarsh. Yeah, Smarsh. Oh, right before Smarsh. Oh, does that mean Smarsh is going to be at the top of the mountain? Yeah, Smarsh is at the top. Smarsh is king. Yeah, Smarsh came up with the name Escalon all on his own. Which, by the way, be on the lookout for a t-shirt. Yeah. I'll do a Stinky Dragon ASMR episode. Okay.

So Bart, you rolled a 20 on your initiative. You're first. Which card do you want to pick? Like I said, you've got three in front of you and you could use your actions if you so want. Yeah, could I do a scout ahead? Scout ahead. So you can reveal the top card of the deck in addition to a card in the river and choose one.

Don't do that. Legitimately, like, there is a... There are two kinds of people. There are people who really like ASMR, and there are people who it is the worst thing in the world to them. Like the opposite effect of the other people? Yeah. I love ASMR. I do, too. I do, too. But I have learned through that kind of stuff where we have done those jokes where people go, like, that is the worst thing. It's kind of like the people who... I'm just whispering. It's kind of like the people who, like, mouth sounds like chewing. It bothers them. It's that same kind of thing. Just to add a level of, like, randomness to it...

At each stop, each time you have a turn, there are certain abilities that get removed. Right. We did that last time. Yeah, that you're unable to use. And I roll randomly for those. So Bart, it's your turn. You can use any ability except for Scout Ahead and Careful Consideration. Okay. So the one I was going to do. Strength, Intellect, or Charisma. And you guys can't see it, but I can see Micah's got the cards in front of me and I'm watching him manipulate them. Gotcha. That's cool. Thank you. Some great hand modeling there, Micah.

I think the one that makes the most sense is It's Elementary. You draw three cards from the deck, choose one, and put it on the bottom of the deck, and then shuffle the remaining cards and place them on top. That way it's like if one of them's a bad card, you shuffle it down to the bottom. Okay. I will do It's Elementary. Ah. Roll an intelligence check. I don't have the greatest intelligence. There's 13 on that. You have the best in the group. A plus zero? Yep. Oh.

All right, 13 on intelligence. We strong and sneaky, not so smart. Yeah. Yeah, that's unfortunately a 13 is a little too low. So you tried. You thought you used your noggin, did your best, but you're going to have to rely on your pure luck and your boyish good looks to make a good decision here. Luckily, that has gotten me so far thus far. I could think Bart's the smartest, luckiest of them all. Go ahead, Bart. He turns back towards his party and winks and...

and that gives everyone a plus five to their next dice roll. Ooh. Wow. I'll take it. I'm just kidding. I wish I had that. Oh, I thought it was a bardic thing. No. You have buffs. I do. I do have buffs. All right. So which way do you want to go? Bart, left, center, or right? I'll go center. Center.

Dead end. Dead end, okay. Is that the end of my turn or could I do like some bardic inspiration? The spells really don't work. Like, they're not part of this mechanic. Okay. Or the mantle of inspiration, rather.

Oh, I guess that's like temporary HP. Never mind. Yeah. I thought it was going to add stuff to your dice roll. Who's next? Next is Kyborg. Woo woo. And my options are now what? We have... Elementary is off the table because she used it. Yeah, you have Forge a Path or Boost Morale. And Boost Morale would remove the dead end card that she did. If you were able to succeed in the charisma check. Alright.

Why would I want to move right path cards to the discard pile? Because sometimes you can rifle through the discard pile. Got it. I'm going to boost morale just to get that dead end card out the way, which is a charisma throw. Yeah, so make a charisma check. Go. Minus two. Minus two.

Oh, boy. That's a zero. That's a solid zero. Two minus two. Zero. Unfortunately, you're... Our second zero of this game. Your charisma is not quite up to snuff.

Alright, well then in that case I guess I'll go left. That work always goes left. Left. Hep hep. Dead end card. That's it, we got two dead end cards. We're not off to a great start. We're just removing the places that we shouldn't go. Right. We're narrowing down our path. It's all going according to- Micah swears he shuffled them. Okay, Gum Gum, you're up. The water mat. Water

What are my options? Your only option at this point is forge a path, which is add two additional right path cards to the discard pile from outside the game. I will do it. Gum Gum bravely forges a path, making a strength check. 24, that is successful. Go that way. And then I go right? Right. Right, right. Yeah. Please give us a die. Mike is doing the shuffling. Right is right path.

So that's one right path point. You managed to clamber and climb your way to the first level of the Escalon, and it looks like you're gaining on the Evergards on the other side. Let's just keep going right. It just makes sense. I forged it. You what? I forged it. Oh, I was thinking of the other. Oh, like forge. Yeah, like you faked it or you made a false one. Oh, yeah. I forged it.

Like forged currency. Yeah. Okay. And our actions are all reset because they've all been used. So I'm going to roll to see which ones are unavailable here. All of them except for forge a path and it's elementary are available. Dex, wisdom, charisma. Okay. So mud, it's up to you. What do you want to do? Perfect. Can I, I can, I hold on. Can I use a cantrip? Can I use guidance? Yeah, sure. Why not?

Okay, well, I pat myself on the bum bum, and I... Oh, you're a cricket. Oh, I am a cricket. Oh, yeah. I can't do guidance. Okay, I'm gonna stay a cricket. It might be helpful. I'll do careful consideration. Careful consideration. It's a wisdom check. And in the river right now, is it new cards altogether? Correct. That's right. All new cards. To be clear, I wanted you to pass inspiration, whatever the heck it was called. I just said...

I wanted you to give a more detailed version of what a cricket would do to give themselves guidance. Yeah, but he can't cast spells. Right, I know. And in the process of saying that, I outed John and I feel like the idiot who just pointed out that the map was down for the geography. Teacher! That's fine. I rolled a 20. That's good. That is successful. So you're able to reveal two cards on the river and choose one. Which ones do you want to reveal? Left and right. Left and right, not center. So left is right path and

And right is monster. Which one should you do? Which one? It's a tough choice. It's a tough choice. Let's do go left. Okay. Somehow I had a guess that you would do that. So that is a second right path.

With a keen eye, you locate a more direct stairwell to the second level of the Escalon. You're now neck and neck with the Everguards. You go left to go right. Got it. Yes. Left is right. Bart, it's back up to the top to you. All right. Is Scout Ahead available? Scout Ahead is available, yes. I would like to do that. Okay, so make a dex check.

Dex check, da-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-

But even us. It might be impossible for me to make some of these rolls based on my modifiers. Yeah, dexterity is my highest modifier there. I don't have charisma or any of that stuff. So which way do you want to go? Center or right? Center.

Center. It's gonna be another monster. Monster. There it is. So that's our first monster. Yes. Now we roll. Wait, no, I guess we don't need to roll an initiative. Well, no, a monster gets revealed once you have two monster cards. Oh, go. Then we're fine. We're fine. Should we do boost morale anyways just to get that done so I can reset all the abilities? Team? I mean, yeah. All right. Well, then I'll boost morale for no reason. All right. Roll a charisma check. All right. You got it. Here we go. Let's fail this thing.

Ba-da-bing. Three. Ba-da-boom. Five minus two, three. Yeah, not quite enough. All right. Guess I'll choose the rights card. You'll never believe what it is. A monster. It's a monster. Now I need to vanquish the foul beast. That's a cyborg's new voice. He's trying to know.

Now is this just me or is this the whole party? It's the whole party. Oh, sorry guys. Wait, he's wearing a glowing bra? What?

Braziers. Are we in a Victoria's Secret? Is that not just a brazier? No, no, no. Like a... I'm not helping you. I know what you're trying to explain. You deal with this. It's like a little container with fire in it to light a room. Not a brazier. A brazier. See, you're just saying the same word, but different. He's burning his bra. A burning bra. He's effeminate. Okay. Yeah. That's like a little, like, mini fire pit. Yeah. It's like a bra for fire. Yes. Yeah.

And the fire is the boob. Ah, yes, yes, yes. The creature turns to face you and the firelight flickers across a hairless humanoid standing at least six feet tall, tendrils dangling from its mouth and outfitted in a purple cloak and shimmering breastplate. Dude, stop it with the boobs, man. A slithering voice reverberates in your heads. Ah.

- Bow before me. - Okay. - And I shall offer relief and respite from thinking. - Too late, Gum Gum has already circumvented that. - He's already bowing on all his little eight legs. - I have advantage against being charmed. If they're charming. - Okay, that's good to know.

I don't know. I'm just trying to be studious and be like, ah, I know this, but I guess I don't. So we are in battle? Yes. Kyborg, it's your turn. Oh, I got to roll initiative for this guy. Yeah. Terrible initiative roll. Good. I like that. Thank you.

If I'm a cricket, if I'm a cricket, I need to find a monster that has that. Does anybody have any leads on a beast in D&D that I can mimic? Because I'm trying to find what it would be. It's crawling to its mouth or something. You ever had that happen? Or you're walking around and a cricket flies in your face? Do that. Why do you want to change it?

I'm trying to find a bug that exists in the beast catalog that has stats for me to act upon. Because whenever I turn into an animal, I pull up that animal's stats. Right. I get that. Why even stay into cricket farm then? Because I want to know.

Okay, Kyborg, you're first. What do you want to do? Oh, you know I'm gonna do that Longbow Triumph. Okay. Why is Kyborg first? It was his turn. Oh, so the initiative doesn't start over. No. Sorry, so I rolled a 29. That's a damn good roll. A 29 to hit? Yeah, that hit. And then 13 damage. Oof. Which is also a good roll. Okay. And then I got two attacks, so let's just keep this train going. Woof, woof. 16. 16 does hit. Okay. And I'm gonna do some damage.

That's an eight. Okay. How's he looking? He's not happy. He looks damaged. He's got, you know, two arrow shafts sticking out of him. Yeah, he does. And then he's going to have two more because I'm going to do an action surge. Action surge!

Two more attacks, please. Alright. 18. That hits. And then we're gonna shoot the arrow, and it goes. 7. Okay. Now's he looking. Yeah, he's looking messed up, but he's still, you know, he's still standing. He's still got his hands up. He's ready to fight. He's still Elton John. Alright. I wanna do an arcane shot.

Longbow triumph, shoot him. Boom! That's a 21. Hit. With damage. Watch out! We're just standing there in shock as Kyborg just fires arrow. Arrow. Arrow. What? Uh, nine points of damage. Okay. And I'm gonna make that into a bursting arrow, which is 2d6 force damage. So I'm gonna roll 2d6s. 11! 11!

He's still up. What? He is not happy. He's still standing, but he is very, very messed up from a single round of action from Kyborg, which is not fair if you ask me. And I bow, and then in terms of movement, I want to move as far away from this beast as possible. The bow for. As if that is my turn, just say, you're welcome. Okay. Gum gum. Can I attack with my axe? I don't know. How does my spider fighting work?

You try to reach for your axe, but you realize you can't grab it with your spider hands. Okay. Do I have any spider attack? What do you want to try to do? I can help him. I'm going to strike it. All right, go on. What you can do is you can bite. So you need to go bite that guy. Okay. Can you stall my soldiers? Yes. I'll run and go give a bite, a good bite. Okay.

This is funny to me because Mud is approaching it like you are fully a spider. But it's really Gum-Gum's torso and Gum-Gum's head. So it's Gum-Gum with his regular teeth running up trying to bite the enemy. It's not a spider head going up to bite with like...

be pretty fast with his eight legs right yeah gum gum tries to close the distance and run up and try to bite this guy for some reason it's just it's just cricket mud on his shoulder going yeah

Yeah, that's what it sounds like. Yeah, I definitely want to see more fan art of that. A tiny little Scottish voice yelling at this boy. Humanoid Spider-Man. Make like a touch attack. Okay. An unarmed strike. You mean an unarmed strike? Yeah, an unarmed strike. Sorry, I use old words sometimes. That's an 18. Oh, God. Yeah, I mean...

That hits. Roll for bite. What's biting damage in D&D? I can tell you what it is on spider. But he doesn't have a spider face. I have a bludgeoning, but that doesn't seem right. D&D bite damage for bite humans? Do you want to point out? I calculated. I did 48 points of damage on that thing, so he should not be feeling it. Well, maybe this will do it. Unarmed strike, six. Okay. All right.

Six damage from Bite. Gum Gum manages to avoid the breastplate that the enemy is wearing and closes the distance and chomps down on your enemy's neck, doing six points of damage. The enemy seems bewildered and shoves this abomination off of him.

I want more! My second action. He's bloodlusting. He's coming for a second bite! I like that we drop into this cave and this guy's like, "Welcome to my domain, bow before me!" Arrow, arrow, arrow, exploding arrow, bite, bite! It's just like, "Hey, get off me!" You're supposed to bow!

Okay, yeah, he like turns away at the last second and you get a mouthful of breastplate on your second attempt to bite him. Yum. It does not connect. It's a very metallic taste in your mouth. All right. Is that it for you, Gum-Gum? Yeah, I guess so. Unless I can, I don't know what else I can do. I guess I'll bow. Okay, and a bow. Okay, you win. Looks like blood all over his mouth from the bite. Mud. Oh, you're right up there too because you're a cricket, right? Yeah.

That's a perfect sneak attack. You're right there. Just turn into big mud. Yeah. I just I hope Micah pitches John's voice up for this entire time. Only when I'm talking in mud voice. I'm trying to figure out. Okay. Yeah. So I'm going to do a little cricket jump.

Has he shoved Gum-Gum off? I mean, Gum-Gum stepped back to bow. Okay, you stepped back? Yeah. Well, like, I'm still living. Yeah, he's still, like, in melee range. Then I'm going to do a cricket jump towards this nasty lad and wild shape back into mud.

Which really, I should just go with like an unarmed strike of that, like just launching at cricket velocities. Like I'm going to ant man this guy. But instead I'm actually going to reach out and cast poison spray at him. Must succeed on a constitution saving throw or take 1d12 poison damage, but at level five, take 2d12. Poison damage and a constitution saving throw.

Constitution saving throw is 16. Okay. His constitution is plus one. With a roll of 15 or higher. No, he fails his constitution saving throw. 2d12 damage equals... 2d12 can either be really great or really bad. 10. 10. 10 poison damage.

How does that work? You cast poison spray? Like, does it, like, poison shoots out from your hand? Out of my hand. A puff of smoke comes out of my hand. A puff of smoke comes out of your hand right into the enemy's face. He seems confident at first that he's going to be able to evade it, but then, you know, he starts coughing a little bit as he stumbles around in the poison cloud. So all of a sudden, all of the flames are doused, swathing you all in pitch darkness, and the creature laughs. You'll never escape my crypt. Your minds are mine.

Okay. I'm dark vision and I already did 48 damage on you, bro. Well, that's the singer to find out what happened. I was waiting for that. We're going to find out next episode of tales from the stinky dragon. Find out whose minds are whose and what's up with our new spider gum gum in his many legs. Find out next time. We just lit this guy up. I'm very happy with my journey. Apparently he's fine though.