C01 - Ep. 38 - Paralyte's Poison - Marrrge and in Charge
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Ryan Reynolds here for, I guess, my 100th Mint commercial. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I mean, honestly, when I started this, I thought I'd only have to do like four of these. I mean, it's unlimited premium wireless for $15 a month. How are there still people paying two or three times that much? I'm sorry, I shouldn't be victim blaming here. Give it a try at mintmobile.com slash save whenever you're ready. For

This is a Rooster Teeth production.

Howdy to all you Alhoun. Shift on in to the Stinky Dragon. Drink up our latest dram. Always off the clock. It's a mixture of witless whiskey, perennial pedal syrup, topped with a splash of psionic soda water. This timeless toxin is tastier than a periapt of mind trapping.

Previously, our adventurers rescued a nabbed nigh from the clutches of the snow-beist, overpowered an oppressive odom, tucked down an irate, infinite, and evil uncle, and sub-aquatically summoned the goddess of the seasons, Andi. Now it seems our heroes are heading out to sea. What treasures and trials await them amongst the great deep? Hold your breath and let's swash this buckle. With all of you, the bard!

We pick up our story right where we left off. You all are standing at the docks of New Valros, looking up at Bart's old ship, the Jebediah. The crew have just performed a rousing original song, including thrilling choreography for their old shipmate, Bart. At the helm is a teary-eyed Captain Marge, while the crew remains motionless, holding their final pose. Captain Marge turns to you all and says, Well, what did he think of the song? It was beautiful. I

I'm just so moved, Papa. Is there any chance you guys know how to sing Tiny Dancer? I'm a big fan of Elton John. Does he live in D&D world? Play Wonderwall next. Play Wonderwall. Can we canonize Elton John in this world? Even though I did not actually move, I also was moved. Ah, thank you. Thank you. Bart and Gum-Gum get inspiration die for complimenting the performance. Wow.

Oh, I already had one. A second one. That's what you get for being nice. Me crew will start hauling your cargo onto the ship. When you be ready to embark on our voyage, come aboard and we'll set sail. How long is Gus gonna have to do this? I love it so much. Listen, it's gonna get worse in a bit. Trust me. It's gonna get worse. The crew relaxes from their poses and begins lowering the gangplank. Ah.

I guess we... Do we have all our stuff? Do we have stuff? No, I think we have to go shopping. You've got stuff. You'll get to the shopping in a bit. We don't have stuff because we're still stranded in this foreign land. Well, like, you've got, like, your packs and, you know, the chest, the reward that you received from V-King Knife. Oh, from Knife. Yeah. We also all feel incredibly powerful.

I have the ability to make two actions now. So I'm looking at my arms and I'm like, oh. Kyborg learned how to multitask for the first time. I'm going up to a mirror and then like everyone's like, are you okay, Kyborg? I'm like, yeah, I feel great. Kyborg can multitask, but it's really not that impressive because Gum-Gum can do it now too. Oh.

Yeah. Also, while this masculine flexing is going on to the side of me, Bart just, like, walks along the ship's edge and, like, touches it, and a single tear comes to his eye. Bart, did you get splashed in the eye? What's wrong? No, I just... A lot of memories, Gum-Gum, and I just... I'll tell you about them someday, I swear. Okay. I'm not trying to, like...

toss a monkey wrench into your interaction. But just for my reference, just maybe for the audience reference and mine as well, when did Bart and Gum Gum meet? Was it after Bart's time on the ship? Yes. Okay. You

You guys, I guarantee you guys need to start writing down this timeline because I know you guys are like when Gum-Gum is in the orphanage or when you met him in the orphanage. And when you're, I don't know if like things are keeping straight. So you might want to just like have a diagram somewhere. No, no, no. That's Tales from the Stinky Dragons Legends. It's not canon. It's another thing. Oh yeah. We might be, I might be messing up the timeline here. Hobbits don't, hobbits live a lot longer. Gum-Gum's only like 15. Right. So then Gum-Gum would have met Bart.

After pirate time. Yeah. How old is Bart? Uh... A hundred and eleven-deeds birthday! Bart, uh, doesn't give away his age. A gentleman never tells. A gentleman never tells. Bart's actually sixteen, guys! He's only one year older than Gum-Gum. No, no, no. Bart's at least twenty-one. Why are Kyborg and I running around with a bunch of teenagers? Yeah, it makes us way weirder if you think about it. Barbara, you were saying he's twenty-one just so that makes sure Bart can drink?

Oh, of course. It's the drinking age of hobbits. He used to have an ale from time to time. I want to know what the figurehead of the ship is, like what the masthead is. You know that thing? It's like typically it's like a lady or something, you know? Oh, you walk up to the front to like try to get a peek at it? Yeah. And see what's up there? By any chance, is it Waldorf and Statler from the Muppets? No, I know exactly what it is. Go on. What is it?

It's a clown of the crusty variety, perhaps. It's a lot of barnacles and growth on it. It's like it's crustied over from many years out at sea. Exactly. The crustied clown, some might call it. Oh.

Ben typed the exact same thing as I said it. I'm trying to think of any other D&D podcast that rushes up so close to intellectual property theft like we do. No, no. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Theft is a big word. It's actually only four letters. Homage. Wait, five letters. That's just five letters. Shoot. Looks like someone doesn't play Wordle. Yeah. Yeah.

I know every five letter word now. Did I play world today? Oh, I did. I almost, I almost, I got the, I, this took five guesses today. Yikes. I think I was on three. I was on four. Can't you just post five green block emojis and then call it a day? Yeah, but we're so fun in that. I don't post them. I play the game and then close it at best. I'll DM Gus and show him what my score was today. That's all we DM on Twitter is our wordle. So what were we doing? Uh,

Uh, oh, it's up to you guys. I know you're standing on the dock. Uh, Kyborg walked off a little bit towards the bow of the ship to take a look at the masthead. The rest of you are standing there. The gangplank has been deployed and is at your feet at the dock. I want to send mud directly down into the galley if possible.

Oh, so you get up on the ship and then make a beeline for the galley? Okay. Excuse me, where's the food? You walk on board, and as soon as you get on board, you can see that the galley is below. Like, you get up on... You board the ship onto the main deck, and you can see the galley straight through on the lower deck. Mud goes down there. Okay. So,

So we're boarding the ship now. Did we get the chest? Did we open that? I said it's there with you on the dock. Could I, me and Gum-Gum, go grab the chest to bring it on board maybe? Yeah. Y'all want to pull it on board? Are you going to open it up on the dock first? What's the plan of attack? I think it's better to pull it on board and do it out of sight. Yeah. Open a chest of gold around pirates. I was going to say, do we have any sort of like rooms or bunkers or anything like that?

On the ship? You know from your time aboard the Jebediah that the cruise quarters is pretty open. It's shared space on the lower deck. The only really private quarters, per se, are the captain's quarters for Captain Marge at the stern of the lower deck of the ship. Okay. Let's open it real quiet like... Should we just peek in, you think? Yeah. Let's...

Let's take a look. You open it up, yeah, and take a look, and it's just filled. There is a lot of gold in there. Like, it would take you a while to count it. I'll tell you what, why don't both of you make an intelligence check, and we'll see if you can guess at how much gold is in there. I'm ready for my Rain Man moment. Oh, it's like when you're in grade school, and they say, how many M&Ms are in this jar? Exactly. I want to roll again.

You rolled an intelligence save, Gum-Gum, which I think is the same for you. So not a big deal, but just throwing it out there real quick. Yeah, you're minus three. I can re-roll it. I mean, maybe you should. So Bart rolled a two on the intelligence check and Gum-Gum rolled a seven. Are you all re-rolling? We need Fenton Crackshell here is what we need. No DuckTales fans here? No DuckTales fans? Cool. Micah, did you get that at all? It's Gizmoduck's alternate ego, and he was able to...

count things. That was his job. He'd count things. He'd literally throw like a jar of beans in the air and count them immediately. Yeah, it's Rain Man. Oh yeah, we all remember it. It's everyone's favorite DuckTales character, Fenton Shelby. Fenton Crackshell, the alter ego of Gizmoduck. Mm.

All right, well, with a two and a seven, Bart, by your estimation in the chest, you think that there's about 25,000 gold pieces. Gum Gum, you wholeheartedly disagree with her. There's easily 50,000 gold pieces. I can smell them. I can hear them counting gold, so I come back out to lend aid in counting.

Can I count? Yeah, yeah. Sorry, I thought I figured you were just going to go make the save. Yeah, or the check. Go ahead and make an intelligence check to try to estimate how much gold is in the chest. It's an intelligence check? Yep, that's the party strength. I'm going to start making you all roll stuff you're not good at. I cast Enhance Ability. I'm using up a second level spell slot to count gold, but what it'll do is I will cast Fox's Cunning, which gives me advantage on intelligence checks. Ooh.

So roll it twice. Take the higher roll. Okay, I got advantage on intelligence, and I've got minus one. You're really building up this five that you're about to roll. You hush. 13. 13. Not bad. Better than them. Two. So we'll go with the 13. Okay. I want to participate as well. I'm going to come in and roll. Okay. Well, while you roll, Kaibar, I want to say, by Mudd's estimation, you think 25%.

25 and 50,000 are both way overkill. You'd put the number closer to 10,000. Oh, it's getting worse. All right. I'm coming in to roll. I take a look at it, and then I say that there is an 18. Hey, that's an 18. Kyborg, you think that you must... You, like, have to rub your eyes and, like, look at the chest again because you're convinced everyone else must be crazy with their guesses because you are convinced...

there's really only about 5,000 gold in that chest. There we go. Guys, there's only 5,000 gold, if that. Listen, I have elven eyes. I can see things you people wouldn't understand. Attack ships off the shoulder of Orion. Can we make a canon that in Qyborg's former life, he was an accountant before he learned archery? I don't know. And then some customer was filling out blank checks. Quadrant. What?

Well, I'll take my 10,000 and then you all can take your 10,000.

So there's about 5,000, so that means we've got split four ways, which is roughly 1250. Yeah, trust me. There's the accountant. There's the accountant. Again, that's Kyborg's best estimate. You're really going to have to sit down and count it to figure out exactly what's in there. It's going to take a while. I think maybe Bart should just take all of it, and then we could divvy it up later. We're not doing that. No. Bart's going to put it into these magical things called NFTs. Oh.

No, even Bart is against those. I think we need to be careful with all this because this is our life savings. So I will put the friendship bracelet on it and me. Okay.

That'll do it. So you're going to put a friendship bracelet on it to yourself, and you're going to be carrying it around the whole time as everyone boards the ship. Well, don't we have... What else could we do with it? Cargo hold? I don't know. I'm not judging you, Chris. I'm trying to explain what you're doing so that makes sure I understand it so that later you're not like, that's not what I said. Oh, okay. I feel like our finances are so muddied right now because didn't we steal money off of, like, a couple of dudes along the way? Yeah.

in our time at the... I mean, I'm pretty low on funds. Because we've been stealing money, but we've been like, ah, we'll distribute it later. But I feel like there's like...

hundreds of coin in limbo up in the air. Micah's saying pieces of silver. Yeah, it's not been gold. Okay. So, just so we're not just staying here forever, we probably should take this onto the ship, or are we just going to spend time sitting here on the dock counting out every single piece of gold? Well, I think we already did that. Let's go to the ship, but I can handcuff it to me. Your friendship bracelet. Friendship bracelet, it's in. And Bart is helping carry it, if I recall. Sure.

Okay. While we walk in, I'm like, "Oh, I'm so sad that all those dead bodies are in this big bucket, but I won't let them down. We'll deliver them safely." No, no, no, no, no, no, no. The gum thing would be like, "Thanks for helping carry my poo chest part that I use for my twosies."

All right. Everyone finally gets up onto the ship with Bart and Gum Gum sharing the load of the poop chest. On the poop deck. Oh, nice. Everyone go ahead and make me a perception check, please. You got it, dude. Hey,

18. That's Bart's phrase. That's seven. You got it, dude. Don't have a cow, man. 26. Stop saying copyright phrases. Sir, thou must not own a cow. Is that better? Brilliant. That's it. We're done. Thanks for listening, everybody.

Bart, I don't know if you said what you got. Bart, you got a 10. I got a 10. Is that a shirt? Sure, let's make it a shirt. Oh, you know what a shirt is that I actually do want to make is... What's his name? He's King. Snarf. Smarsh. No one tell him. Smarsh is King.

Sorry, Gus. Smarsh is king. I've seen it asked for, and I want it. I would wear that shirt. Yeah, everybody would. We'll see if we can get it made. Where were we? Gum Gum with a seven. There's something weird, Gum Gum. Maybe it's like holding that chest, but you feel like as soon as you step on board, you can't quite steady yourself. You're starting to feel really queasy and uneasy. Go ahead and make me a constitution saving throw. Gotta get your sea legs.

Tan? Uh, yeah, you make a beeline for the nearest railing on the side of the ship and you put your head over the side and you vomit. Like, you're just incredibly, you're feeling incredibly bad on the deck. Guys, get off the ship! The ship is poisoned! As he's holding the coin thing, he spews over, but then the lid opens and all the gold points pours out into the ocean.

Also, him handcuffed to the chest and then beelining means he's pulling the chest so either Bart lets go or Bart's going with him at that beeline. What do you want to do, Bart? Would you run with him or...

I'd run with him, yeah. The ship is poisoned. Everyone get off the ship. Speaking of Bart, as you're running along with Gum-Gum to the side of the ship, the briny air actually feels refreshing across your face, you know? Yeah. You look around and you notice the ship still has three masts and several cannons and one ballista, just like it used to on your time here. Kyborg, you

You notice, you know, the ship's complement is, you know, certainly a motley crew of various creatures, but there's not really as many sailors aboard as you'd imagine there would be for a ship of this size. I also want to point out that I go up to that ballista, which is essentially a giant crossbow, because I have an affinity for, you know, artillery weapons, and I just rub it. I'm like, oh, baby, you're going to get some good use later. I don't know what that means, but okay. That's a giant bonus!

Should we leave you two alone, or what's going on? Hey, hey, hey, don't make it weird, alright? This is a PG show, folks. Mud, uh, you smell fresh gunpowder in the air, and as you step aboard, you spot a few stains of blood on the deck, along with some cracks in the hull. But... Yeah? There's- there- were these cracks in the hull that are here with, uh, do these look fresh to you, or is this how you remember the ship?

Uh, you know, I'm not sure I remember these, but maybe if I roll a die to see if I know this answer or not. Make a, what would that be? Wisdom roll. Hey, pup, hey, pup. 18. Pup, pup.

You don't remember those being there? That doesn't seem familiar to you. It seems like the ship is in slightly worse shape than you remember it being. You know what, Mud? I just remembered. No, these were not here when I was here. These are new. Must have had some wear and tear in the last couple years. Does it...

I'm not an expert at the maritime things, but doesn't the ship normally have more sailors manning it? You know, I think usually it does. As you all are talking over this discrepancy that Mud has noticed, Captain Marge addresses everyone.

Welcome aboard the Jebediah! Before we get settled, there'll be a few rules we be needing to go over. First, there'll be no lollygagging stoways on my ship. Every creature that steps aboard the Jebediah is considered a member of the crew, and what's the crew motto? The entire crew joins in. Ye work hard, ye play hard, Captain!

Precisely! But first things first, since ye all are now a part of the crew, E.B. needed a good sailor name while out on the sea with the likes of us. For instance, Joshua Chase, front and center. Aye, Captain. A dwarf with a skull tattooed on his face walks up, and behind them, an elf with a wooden leg hobbles over.

We get to pick our own nicknames? Yeah, you gotta pick your, uh, your sailor names. Aww.

You also have to name Sleek and Spectral, because I'm not going to come up with names for them, so you got to do that. I want to say mine would be like Iron Arm. Oh, that's a good one. The Avenger. No, not Iron Man. Iron Arm. Iron Arm. Iron Arm. Oh, I know Sleek's. The Lootless Loser. Arrgh. Arrgh.

Sleek loves it. He loves that his best friend came up with a name for him. Okay, well, that's great. Lootless loser. Lootless loser and iron arm. Best friends? Take it on the world together. With my iron arm, I'm doing the cut it, cut it out, neck slash thing. Bart will be Bucko Bort. Bucko Bort. Arr!

Buckleport! That's me. What's Mud's pirate name? Mud is not much into the pirate life. You wanna do Nature Boy or something animal related? Nature Boy has a lot of good songs too. I mean, there should be like a matey or something in there. Oh yeah, Matey Mud. Just go with that. I like that. Matey Mud! Thank you, Mud.

Flower pirate. What? Flower pirate. Oh, flower pirate. I thought he just said pirate. I got you. Thank you. Thank you for translating. Yeah. So I actually have had toddlers that I've raised and I did the same thing, translating what they said.

Uh, we gotta come with Spectre. Yeah, what about Spectral? Spectral, Spectral. What was Spectral's cool name again? Oh, his real name. His real name? Leonard, right? Yeah, Leonard Link. Oh, Walk the Plank Link. There you go. Walk the Plank Link. Arr, Walk the Plank Link. And then we need one for... Gumbo. Oh, yeah, Gumbo. Gumbo and Fred. Yeah, yeah. And Hannibal. Weird seabag. Ha ha ha.

Uh, gunpowder gumbo. Ooh, yeah, that's good. Gunpowder gumbo! You gotta say R after you say it. R! Just make sure we don't put it in the actual cannonball.

Ding. And, uh, Fred and Hannibal. Cannonball Hannibal. Cannonball Hannibal. There you go. Cannonball Hannibal. Someone writing these down. I'm writing them all down because I know I'm going to have to remember this forever. Okay. Uh, and Fred. Oh, uh, something dread. The dread pirate Fred. There you go. Off with ye, Fred. Off with ye, Fred. Now that introductions have been made, ye all will be needing an assignment or duty while aboard this ship.

*laughs*

My years off the ship have been numerous, so I've forgotten a few things. But what is a powder monkey again? I will say you had a great wisdom check earlier, so I'll say that you do remember. You remember the powder monkeys are in charge of running gunpowder around the ship, and it's part of the gunner and cannon crews. Okay.

Would that include the person that fires the ballista? No, ballistas do not require gunpowder. Is that... Okay. But it's artillery in nature. Is that an open position that I can apply for? I have numerous resources. The powder monkey, you know, deals more with the cannon. But sure, I mean, the ballista is part of the gunner. So, I mean, yeah, it's all the same crew. I offer myself as that. That's me. What does Bart think would be best suited for him?

What are the other three? Helmsman, Surgeon, and Rigger. Helmsman, you steer the ship. I feel like Bart is very qualified for that. Yeah. I would like to take the role of ye Helmsman, Captain. Helmsman! Arr! Helmsman Bucklebot! Bart? Yeah? What's a surgeon? It's probably not the one that you want. Please make him the surgeon.

Are you sure? You know, Gungun, with Surgeon, you might have to hurt people, which I don't think you like to do. I don't like hurting people. You might see some blood. I don't mind blood. It's just like red paint. You're very strong, so maybe something in the rigging department? Rigging. You get to climb. You get to climb things a lot. Ooh. Well, I like to climb. Okay, I will take the job of the climbing surgeon. Nope. Shit.

And Mud will take the job of the sewing rigger. The not climbing surgeon. Yeah, I'll take surgeon. I'm pretty good at healing and medicine and this large lad will happily rig. Now that that's settled, pop quiz! What be the crew motto? Eat, pray, love. Everyone has a job. Yeah.

No lollygag. All's well that ends well. Do you actually want the real answer, or do you want us just to be messing around for a while? Looking for the real answer here. Wear cards, play hard. Ah, Mickey Mudgar. Captain Marge flips you a silver piece, Mud. Thank you. Oh.

Gus already knows he has to incentivize us to give a real answer. That's Micah, that's not me. Arr, here's a cookie, thank you. Arr, are you paying attention? Keep notes, arr. Avast, there be two levels on the Jebediah. This is the main deck with the helm, rigging, and sails. But most everything else you be needing, be it food, hammock, or supplies, can be found below with the lower deck. That's

That's also where my captain quarters are located. Finally, ye be needin' to expand your sailing vocabulary while on my ship for navigational purposes. So, when standing on the ship looking ahead, the port side is to your left and the starboard side is to your right. While still looking ahead, the front is called the bow and the back is called the stern. Savvy?

Got it. Yes. Arr, matey, I know exactly what you're talking about. Do we have any questions? Nar! Nar! Are we all Australian? Where be the toilet? It's right, don't you remember? It's right here in this toilet we're carrying. Your friend Gum-Gum found it at the side of the ship. Yeah, he did. It's a good thing all four of us have male genitalia. Ha ha ha!

Everywhere's our bathroom. Can we make that a shirt? Everywhere's our bathroom. Everywhere's our bathroom. If ye be facing ahead on the ship, and there be a whale seen on the porch side.

Where should you look for it? To the left, Captain. To the left. Arr! Captain March tosses everyone a silver piece. Yar. Yar. Thank you. Let me put that in my inventory. I'm going to invest this in a 401k, arr. And what would be the opposite of the port side? It would be... Starbird! Starbird! Yar! Yar!

Another silver piece for you! I feel like you'd be all riding on mud's back of remembering things right now. No one is on your back.

Thank you, go, go. We're gonna get this next question without your help. Okay. I understand y'all have recently come into some gold and are looking to stock up on supplies. Yeah. Well, you're in luck. The Jebediah has traveled to many distant lands, and we've procured a variety of booty along the way. Perhaps you'd like to spend some of your earnings and peruse our collection? Yarrr. Head below deck to the cargo hold and find Suaviere.

He's a merchant we picked up some time ago that's become the ship's curator of curios. Wow, they have a gift shop on board. It's a nice cruise ship. Alright, let's go to the Cheerios. The Cheerios? I'm trying to find where the joke was there. I don't know. The Cheerios. Didn't he say his name was... Curios. Curator of Curios. Oh. Was that where you were trying to go, Chris? Maybe. I don't know. Maybe y'all just don't get it.

Chris doesn't get it either. This parachute was a knapsack! Oh god! *laughs*

Guess what I'm going to ask you to do? I'm going to ask you to give us a follow on Twitter and Instagram at StinkyDragonPod. We love reading the comments y'all leave. I feel like the community out there of listeners is really active, interacting with us each week on social media, sending our magic item drinks, tavern drink suggestions, questions. So thank you to everyone who's used hashtag StinkyDragonPod. It really helps more people hear about the show and smell that lovely stink we produce. Maybe you can't really smell.

via social media, but you get the idea. And of course, we've got some NPCs who are named after people who've interacted with us on social media. Josh Deadman Dreffle is named after at J.R. Dreffle. Chase Pegleg Potter is named after at Focused Korean. We had some magical items suggested by some people. So thank you to at Swilly01997, at Sir Ronimo, at Just Matty Boy, at Commander Lupine, at Jason Elgar,

And finally, of course, at Hero Obligatory. And of course, we had some special guests. Captain Marge, of course, voiced by Zoe Terhune, host of the podcast No Dumb Answers, another one of our podcasts here at Rooster Teeth. And of course, the voice of Suave is voiced by... So big thank you to... for voicing Suave.

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All right, we head down. Okay, you descend into the hold of the ship and spot a pair of doors at the bow just past the galley. The doors suddenly swing open with someone polishing a pearl in their hand. They almost stumble into you and say, Pardon, pardon, Sacrebleu. You must be our new guest. Bienvenue. I am Suaviere, supplier for the ship and your humble servant. Suaviere?

Behind them, you see stacks of barrels, crates, and chests filled with shimmering knickknacks and trinkets of all kinds. Might I ask that we roll for initiative to determine who goes first in buying? Because there's a limited stock, and I'm sure that things are going to get pretty heated. Real fast, just to clarify, it's

I told you this episode was going to get a lot worse. Oh, I love it. Now you get to listen to a bad French accent. Oh, le goose.

If I recall correctly last time when there were multiple people vying for a piece of merch we all rolled for who got it. Oh Okay, you can if we want to like just go through in order to see what who wants what I'm fine with that We start with Bart for all I care that other system is fine Bart Tell us your first item you want to get I get to go first. Yeah Bart Bart Bart

There are many, many items from all over the lands available to you. Mm-hmm. Soivier is looking at all of you, twirling his pencil-thin mustache. Bonjour, Soivier. Comment ça va aujourd'hui? Ah, oui, oui. Ho, ho. That's all you're getting, Barb. Your friend is liking Monsieur Irm. So I'm looking at these suspenders of Haglin.

Oh. Oh. I saw that and I was like, that's Bart right there. Yeah. Slapping the suspenders. For a metagaming perspective, for anyone who's listening to the podcast, we have a list of potential items that we supplied the players to look through so they could pick. Provided, a lot of them provided by members of our community. Yeah, and the suspenders. Suspendlers. Suspendlers.

The suspenders of Hagelin were provided by someone in the community. Thank you at sir underscore Ronimo for sending those in. They allow you to snap the suspenders and suffer a little bit of bludgeoning damage to receive a bonus on your next persuasion check. But it causes the user to speak with a southern drawl. All good things in my opinion. I see no downsides.

My, my, my. Ah, very good. 350 gold. Uh, look, could I try them on first before I, uh, buy them? Sure, why not? All right. That idiot. Bart goes ahead and snaps the suspenders to see if he can haggle them down. All right, let's see. That's really funny. Brilliant. Brilliant.

Bart, you take three points of damage. Okay. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. There's no limit on how many times he can snap himself. His health. Other than health, yeah. Yeah, it's only once. Per day? I say you can keep using it, but like you can only do it once per roll. Okay. Yeah, that's what I'm saying, but like

He's doing this at the top of his shopping. Oh, yeah. Which means Bart can keep doing this for the rest of his shopping experience. Oh, I bought these first on purpose. Smart. Good call. He's going to keep taking damage. I mean, do it. I think it's smart. It's very brilliant. Yeah. Well played. All right there, Mr. What was it again? What was your name there?

Lumiere. The name is Suaviere, of course. All right. Now, I need southern accent, but in Bart's pitch. All right. Here's what I'm going to be saying here, Suaviere. You're going to go ahead and give me these spanders here for roughly, let's say, 150 gold. Make a persuasion check, and you can add 1d4 to it. 14 plus.

Two, so 16 total. Nice. Oh, but Suavier's family will be on the street with nothing to eat. 325. No, no, no, no, no, sir. That is not nearly enough. Wait a minute. You only took off 25 gold. How about 300 even? Hmm.

Let me see. I'm gonna have him make a roll here. You roll. So you got a 16 on your persuasion. Seems only fair. Sorry, remind me how much gold we got total from the chest each? 50,000. You're not sure yet. Okay. I don't like this game you're playing with us not knowing how much gold we have. Yep.

Well, you think that Kyborg had the best estimate. Okay. He doesn't roll very well. It's a deal. He shoves out a hand to shake your hand and then puts out his other hand to receive the gold. I give him 300 gold. Yeah, he takes it and weighs it out and confirms the amount. Oh, anything else? Who's next? Do you have any immovable rods? No.

Oh, no. Fresh out. Any other kind of ruts? We have this...

Oh, that's not the name of it. Yeah, he pulls out like a simple rod with an engraved M button on it. It's the M movable rod. Oh, the immovable rod. Oh, I'd love that as well. I'd love to add it to my collection. I would like that too. Yeah, I'd like that. I think as the archer, it makes the most sense for me to get distance from the enemies.

So teleportation 40 feet in any direction, preferably away from enemies. What if whichever one of you gets it gives it to old Bart here? He snaps himself. Hey guys, what happened to Bart? He died at the end of a shopping spree. Made some great deals though. Yeah, he got everything on sale.

You're gonna leave and Suavier is just gonna be wearing like a barrel with suspenders, robbed and blind. So if we all want this bread... I guess we might have to Rochambeau for it.

Hey, can I pull mud to the side real quick? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. While they do that, I just hand over the gold for the rod. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Nope, that's not how that works. It's up to the DM. Fight, fight, fight. Okay, Borg, what you got? Hey, hey, uh, you know how this goes, you know. You've got the immovable rod. That's pretty funny. I think we should both go for the immovable rod. What?

I think Gum-Gum, I don't know if he needs this. Here's my thought, is that when Gum-Gum already has teleportation that happens every once in a while when he does his little rage thing. Why does he need this rod? Second, Gum-Gum's our big old fighter, man. That's supposed to be close up when we're fighting things. If we're in a big old scuffle, why would you need him to be teleporting 40 feet away? So I really think it should be, you know, yeah, you as the archer who needs to get far away, or me as the utility, you know, druid who has to be able to do magic and healing people. That'd be great for me to be able to do that for 40 feet. Exactly. And then, and then,

And then if you get it, then you're the Rod guy. That's your thing. You're like the animal Rod guy. And then if I get it, then we get to be the Rod brothers. It just works out that way. Can you all be Rod and Todd? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So with that being said, Rod and Rodney. Let's work together however we can.

You all are gonna make Chris rage quit. He is going to rage quit and murder both of you. Hey, I at least used the immovable rod before we got to this new rod, so now I need a new rod. You got to use it once.

All right. Yeah. So I guess we should kind of sort this out some way with some sort of, you know. You all need to figure it out. I try to buy it. I hand him the gold. It's not going to work. I will. No, we're figuring it out, sir. So we're still figuring it out. Oh, perhaps someone can offer 400 gold. Okay. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. 450. Oh.

Oh, that's where this is going. Okay. So he's trying to, it's a pool, it's a pot that we're spending from. Perhaps 500. And now Gum Gum is single-handedly riding up. He's the one man at an auction saying, 500.

6700. Let's, hey, so that anybody can get it without us having to spend all our money on one thing so that we can all actually be benefiting from getting a bunch of items. Let's just figure it out with a simple, you know, rock, paper, scissors here among the group. You know, some sort of meta. Let's do a roll. I think that's a great idea. Persuasion.

- You're saying that because persuasion is your highest thing. I'm gambling on... - Persuasion works. Persuasion works. - That's what makes the most sense. - Yeah, let's do persuasion. - I have negative two on persuasion. I'm willing to bet that GumGum does not. I think we should do no modifier role. - But that's not how D&D works. - Yeah, you gotta use your modifier. Chris is right. That's how D&D goes. - That's his opinion. My opinion is we don't do modifiers. I guess that mud is the tiebreaker here.

I like persuasion. This is why Bart never goes for anything that people want. As he snaps his suspenders one more time.

Just bleeds. Gum Gum, go ahead and make your persuasion roll. 24. 24. Kyborg, you want to make a persuasion roll? Mm-hmm. It's very good. It's very good. Six. Gum Gum in the lead. I'm lucky, so I do another one, but it doesn't matter because he's got a modifier. You see why this doesn't work, right? I mean, your roll would have been lower anyways. He rolled a 19 without his modifier. You rolled an eight without your modifier. It's a good roll. It's a good roll.

Right. Thank you, Barbara, for being the voice of reason there. I just want to point that out. All right. All right. Cool. Now I'm good. I'm fine. That's a good role. It's a good role. You got to get props, you know? Yeah. Oh, it doesn't feel as good, does it? It's Mud's turn to roll persuasion. All right. Mud claps his hands together to get a nice little roll going and also apply guidance to himself. Could I also, before you roll, give you bardic inspiration as well? Yeah, you totally can.

I just, just John having both rods is so funny to me. He's the rod guy.

But who knows? I'm only plus one on persuasion. This could go terribly wrong. This only adds one D8, so you could roll a one on that. So let's do first roll. This is just persuasion plus one. That's 17. Okay, 17. Plus my D4. That's only one. I'm at 18. I'm still what? Six short? You're six away. What were you? 24? Yeah. Yeah, I'm still six away. But you have a D8 now. Low chance on the D8. Yeah, yeah. Will he do it? Will he do it? Only a two. Okay.

So that's a final score of a 20 for Mud. Gum Gum wins the persuasion check and persuades the rest of the party that he is the best candidate to receive the immovable rod. Way to go, big guy. You won it fair and square. You did it. Hey, Gus, have fun dealing with Chris asking about every time he can use the immovable rod. Suavier puts his hand out. 450 gold, please. Okay. It's 350.

I think it was at 500. I don't know. Well, actually, I think it was 750. Gum Gum hands Suavier 450 gold, and Suavier hands over the M movable rod. Oh, who's next? The original price is 350. Oh, the auction.

Go for it, Kyborg. Okay, uh, Dread Helm. That sounds pretty cool. What's it do? The Dread Helm is this fearsome steel helm that makes your eyes glow red while you wear it. Advantage on intimidation checks. Sounds scary. I want that. Oh, ah, 350 gold. You know what? Can I try it on?

Oh, no, no. I'm on to you and your tricks. Okay, 350 it is. That's fine. That's funny. It looks even more metal than I imagined. This thing's so cool. Okay, who is next?

It's not the most glamorous item up there, but how much for that spice pouch up there? Oh, the spice pouch. That is 400 gold. You want to go ahead and tell our listeners what the spice pouch is, John? Yeah, this is the Huard's Handy Spice Pouch, and it appears as empty and has 10 charges. While holding the pouch, you can use an action to expend one of its charges, speak the name of any non-magical food seasoning, salt, pepper, saffron, etc.,

and remove a pinch of the desired seasoning from the pouch. A pinch is enough to season a single meal, and then the pouch regains expenditures over the day. But the cool thing is that seasoned meals restore 2d6 hit points and grant 5 temp HP. Not bad. It's like a little handy buff before going into combat. And I'll let you know that on top of dirt in his coffee, Mud loves a little cinnamon in his coffee. So that'll work out.

Oh, 400 gold. Is there a chance you can go just a little bit lower for me? I'm kind of late on the gold right now.

Suaviere notices the chest that is handcuffed to Gum-Gum that you all have been pulling gold out of. Hmm. Oh, I don't think that is the case. But see, I'm just a humble druid. I don't have access to all the money that is in this. You can clearly see from my, you know, simple trappings, and it's to help feed my little badger as well. You can see this is Gunpowder Gumbo, and he needs food as well. So come on. Make a deception check.

To convince this man it's a badger? It's a real badger, dude. Okay? Oh, that's a negative one. It's a negative one. No, no. 400 gold. Okay. I hand over 400 gold. Merci. And I blow a pinch of pepper in his face. Just kidding. Just kidding. I don't do that. Oh, who is next to deal with Suavier? Ah.

I think it's me, Bart, back up at the table right here. Oh. He waits. Yeah, I guess the southern accent would have faded by now. Yeah, it's only like right after I use it, I think. Yeah, I think so too. What does the little garçon wish? Well, I've been eyeing this magic conch over here a

Looks, uh, mighty fine. What does it do? A magic conch. You may ask the magical item any question, and it will cast the spell Divination. Uh, this can be used once per day, but the magic conch replies with a loud yelling voice, starting with, Magic conch, magic conch, praise the magic conch. We ask the question and response. Everyone in the immediate area hears the response. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

I just want to make us yell magic conch. I think you have to. I think you have to. The magic conch replies with a loud yelling voice. Oh, it does. So what is, I don't know what divination does essentially. Your magic and an offering put you in contact with a god or a god's servant. You ask a single question concerning a specific goal, event, or activity to occur within seven days. The GM offers a truthful reply. The reply might be a short phrase, a cryptic rhyme, or an omen.

The spell doesn't take into account any possible circumstances that might change the outcome, such as the casting of additional spells or the loss or gain of a companion. Cool. That's a cool item. Yeah. It is cool, and I must say, snaps the suspenders. It would look mighty fine for 500 gold as opposed to 600. All right, let's see. First of all, you take one point of damage. Nice. Not bad, not bad. Just a slightly bruised nipple. Yeah, and go ahead and make your...

persuasion roll. He's just sort of bleeding out of his mouth as he haggles. That is a 23. Nice. Damn. Plus.

Probably not going to matter. Plus another two, 25. 25. I mean, it matters. Suavier does not roll well. Roll me an insight check as well, Bart. 13. Okay, 500. All right. I mean, all right, all right, all right. You do notice, Bart, that Suavier seems to be a little pasty. Uh.

Which is unusual for someone who spends a lot of time at sea. Just a little distracting. It's a little pale. Hey, buddy, I know I've been grifting you out of a ton of money in the last few minutes, but you're doing all right. You've been what? Buying items from you in a fair manner. Ah, yes, I am fine. I am new to the boat. I also am new to the boat. I am Flower Pirate. Uh...

Yeah, I like how you make yourself laugh. He's just giggling. What does Gum Gum want next? Can I get the bag of clumsy dust? 400 gold. Do you want to read that? When applied to an item or surface, it will act as though the grease spell has been applied. You can choose if it is sticky, slippery, or some other difficult terrain.

The bag replenishes itself, Don. So it casts, like, makes things slippery or gooey. Mm-hmm. Oh, yes, very finite down. 400 gold. Okay, should I also... And I slap myself in the chest. Even though I'm suspended. And I say, well, if I only gave you two gold... Make a persuasion check. ...could haggle.

And I'll bolster myself. I have a new bolstering magic thing. I don't think any amount of bolstering is going to get you down to two. I know. Persuasion is nine. Nine? Not great. He used up all of his persuasion juice to get the M movable rod. Yeah. And then I get a roll of D3. I

I just won't do it. I'm not going to use it. I'll save it. I hear a lot of clicking. There's a lot of clicking. Oh, no, no, no. Two is way too low. Way, way too low. 400 gold. Okay, you drive a high-pronged. Okay. All right. You exchange 400 gold in return for the bag. Go ahead and roll me an insight check, Gum-Gum.

12? 12. Yeah, now that Bart asked him about it, you notice, yeah, Soivier is kind of pale. How weird. You okay, man? You okay, man? Oh, yes, we, yes, we, we. Who's next? Is it me or is it you, Mud? I think it's me, if that's okay. Yeah, yeah, you go ahead. Mud turns into a badger. Okay. Okay.

Oops, all badgers. Mutt turns into a badger. Famous haggling badger. Yep. And gets up on the counter and wants to sniff Savier to see if he recognizes Savier's scent.

What do badgers have? Is there like some kind of badger smell? We have like, I have to pull up the animal, but I remember it being that you get advantage on checks that involve smell. Keen smell. The badger has advantage on wisdom perception checks. Yeah, go ahead and make me a perception check with advantage. It's the same guy, isn't it? Is this where we're getting at? That's a 27. Oh, we know. And that's a 13. Oh.

Yeah, when you turn into the badger and get up there and start sniffing him, you notice that Suaviere is having a real hard time maintaining eye contact and looks like he's sweating a bit. I think something's off about this guy. You think he's clearly lying about something. What was his name? What was his name? I don't remember. Suaviere. No, no. Oh, yes, yes, oui, Suaviere.

Can I use my ring of truth telling on you? Sure. And that just gives you advantage on questions, right? Advantage on insight checks to know if someone's lying or not. Insight checks, I think, is what it was, wasn't it? Yeah. Oh, no. Suavier is from the far-flung land of Bonsoir. I think you should tell us who you really are and where you're from. I'm Suavier from Bonsoir.

Are you not listening? Check it. Check it. Check it. You are full of poo-poo. I really think you should tell us. And I slam my fist down and my eyes are glowing red. I think Bart was going to check first. Do it. Yeah, do that insight. Insight. That's a 20. Or. And a 26. Yeah, you don't think that he's telling the truth. And you've never heard of Bonsoir.

Hmm.

I call LeBullPoopoo. LeBullPoopoo. LeCasp. Oh, non. Non. What was his name? Someone's got to be searching this up. Fiddler, Middler, something. Fiddler? Which character are you thinking of? The merchant. The merchant. We met him like three times. Yeah. He was Italian at one point. I am just a simple lover of the rare items, objects of beauty and lore. I'm

I'm pursuing life as a humble trader.

Mud jumps up on his face and starts rubbing what the white stuff is off of him. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. It starts like rubbing off. You can tell it's makeup on his face. Gumbo's helping, by the way. This man has two badgers on him. And the pencil-thin mustache that I mentioned earlier was also like a glue-on mustache. It also falls off. Fine, fine. Man, you guys are going to haunt me to the end of my days, huh? It's me, Bezla. Bezler. Bezler. God.

Hey, you're following us. I was here first. You're following me. I don't think so. Just pick a place and we won't come back, I promise. Easy with the makeup. I have a reputation to maintain here. He's looking in a mirror trying to fix the damage that's been done by Badgermud and by Gumbo. Bezler, I think that since you were dishonest to us, once again...

That we deserve a discount from your store, your wares. A discount? I'm just trying to make an honest living here. Start over, since you all have run Bezla out of every job that he's had. Here, here, fine, fine. You all can have a healing potion. Just keep quiet, all right? I'll take it. All right, fine. Keep it to yourself. I also do still want to buy some stuff. Fine. Now, take more of my money, because I'd like to buy things. Ugh. Let's make a deal.

So the cloak is always a cloak. Mm-hmm.

But you can change its style, color, and quality of the cloak. Yeah. I think that that's going to go well with if we're like trying to sneak into something, I could... Oh, suddenly I look like one of the guards. I have a red cloak that matches their red cloaks. I don't know. Okay, yeah. All right. 250 gold. 200. Come on, guy boy, you're killing me. I got seven children to feed. No, you lied to us about this last time. 200. Make a persuasion roll. Okay. Okay.

Sure you don't want me to do an intimidation roll? You could try intimidation. You're trying to persuade right now. Intimidation would be fun, especially since I just rolled a two. Rolled a two.

Alright, make an intimidation check. Alright, alright. And I reaffirm 200. Oh, shoot. Seven. Oh, that's not much better. But then I get advantage. What's the thing with the helmet? Advantage on intimidation check. Okay, alright. Let's do that one more time then. Aha! 14. 14. Let's see how scared Bezler is. Nope. I must be very firm on this. He rolled a 15 just for the audio listeners.

Okay. Well, we're being socialists anyways. We're all sharing from the same money, so that's fine. All right. 250 gold. You exchange 250 gold with your old friend, Besler, and he hands you the Cloak of Many Fashions. Sweet. And all of a sudden, music starts playing, saying, walk, walk, fashion baby. I was thinking, it's red and yellow and green. Oh, yeah. There you go. Bart, do you have anything else you'd like to purchase? Yeah, maybe a potion or two up here.

Let's see. I guess, because I don't know how much gold I have to buy anything else. I don't want to be in debt. You've made a good dent into the gold from the chest, but there still seems to be quite a bit in there. I'm seeing a potion of climbing that looks kind of nice for you. Yeah, this potion of climbing. As a fellow like myself, I'm a little bit...

in the height department, so I often want to, you know, get higher than I am right now, so maybe some climbing might do me good here and there. Vezla can sympathize with that. I know that feeling. 300 gold. Or how about... Oh! No, that's fine. I'll take it. I'll take it.

Exchange 300 gold for the potion of climbing, which allows you to gain a climbing speed equal to your walking speed for one hour. You get advantage on checks to make you climb as well.

The potion's separated into different colors, like different layers. It's like a brown, silver, and gray. Is that important info for any reason? Oh, just a flavor text. Bart, do you just have two items? You got the suspenders and the... And the conch. Oh, and the conch. He's got three items. Yeah. Oh, and this is his third item? Yes. Okay. I only have one item. Why do I only have one item? I don't know, man. I thought you were just being nice, letting everyone else get everything. Oh, did we just skip over him because I didn't get the M movable rod? Maybe.

Maybe. I think you became a badger and clawed at Suavier's face. Oh yeah, you didn't do anything. I did that. Yeah. Can I get two items this round? I'm lacking in items. Why don't you just get an item right now? That's what I mean. I need to catch up. I'm behind one item. Well, just for reference, everyone else, Kyborg and Gum-Gum also have two kernels.

Yeah. I only have one. That's what I'm saying. I have one. What do you want? Go. Bezla's here for you. Okay. Let's see. I've got my own couple of items. I think I want this Cloak of Billowing. Ooh, good one. While wearing this cloak, you can use a bonus action to make it billow dramatically.

If used properly, advantage on charisma checks at DM discretion. Ooh. Hope you don't use it improperly because then you get disadvantage. It flies over your head and covers your eyes. Me and Kaibar are just going to be cape buddies. Yeah, the cloak team. Yeah. 300 gold. Yeah. I can hand that over. Get that gemstone thing, too. Oh, that's the other thing I wanted. Could I also...

Get the billowing thingy and the orcish gemstone together for maybe like a combination price? Sure. A total of 650. That's not a discount. It's a combination price. 650. Right. Okay.

I'll take it. Orcish gemstone lets the user see through the eyes of another. The user appears undead to those around them when using said item. Three charges per long rest. What's the... There's got to be a limitation, and I'm not going to pull a Chris here and think that you can just do whatever you want with it. Is it people within I can see or that I know, or what is it? Yeah, we'll say someone whose presence is known to you that you can see, like someone within visual distance. Okay. All right, I'll have both of those.

That's cool. Yeah, yeah, we'll say that. The chest does appear to be significantly light. Okay. Like, so we get cheap items, like two cheap items now? Mm-hmm. That's for you and the party to figure out. Part of me feels like we don't need to blow the rest of the cash, but also, like, we never find these places, so we might as well. Do we want to get, like, some healing potions and stuff?

I have a question about this potion of love or whatever. Is that a one-time use thing? Yeah, potions are typically one-time use. Okay. I think that would be cool. I've never been in love. What do you call this, Gum Gum? Your bite. All right, fair enough. Uh...

We don't have enough for the Acme thing, probably. That Acme thing looks like it could literally blow up in our face. I'm very sorry about that. You think you might have enough for the Acme item.

And I have a question. Whenever the sound of dynamite, does the box, the box is unharmed. If you roll a six on it, it just, it's done for the, the debt that until the long rest. Correct. The box is unharmed. Okay. Okay. For our listeners, the item is the Acme sample pack. There's a lot of detailed text here. So I'm going to give you the cliff notes. It's a mysterious box from a mysterious company. Opening the box creates a series of strange unexplained events. Rarely backfires. Roll a one D six for the following results.

1. A piano chord plays from the box. On your next turn, a piano falls from the sky on an enemy. 2. The sound of gold. On your next turn, a safe falls from the sky.

Oh, it's a 6-level spell. The Disintegrate spell?

Disintegrate's pretty powerful. We are six level. That seems like something we should put in the hands of our teenage boy. And just for clarification, also, it says that if disintegrate is the result, that uses two charges on the box. And the disintegrate, it hits the person who opens it, right? No, I would say it fires off towards an enemy. Yeah, it fires forward. Oh.

What about that combined with the ring of warmth? Would that protect against fire damage? Ring of warmth. Well, in this ring you have resistance to cold damage. Oh, I read that wrong. Okay, sorry. I mean, that sounds fun to me. It's so straightforward. Mud's good, so you can just whatever you want at the end of this. Unless, Kaiborg, unless you want it, I would like to get that. Nope.

All right, I'm going to get that mystery box. All right, the Acme sample pack. That was submitted to us by someone on social media, at Hero Obligatory. Thank you for sending us that magic item. Yeah, you have to empty out the rest of your chest in order to be able to pay for the Acme sample pack, because Bezler tells you... That's 750.

Also, I want to give shout-outs to the two items that I got to the makers. We got at Commander Lupine did the Cloak of Billowing and at Jason Alger did the Orcus Gemstone. Thank you for making cool items. Thank you. I missed that. Yeah, same. Shout-out to Xanathar. Uh...

Big fan of the show, that guy. As you, you know, dig around in the chest for the remainder of the gold, Vessler's watching you dig it out, and he catches sight of the items you picked up in New Valros. Wait. What are those? What is he looking at? Sword and shield on your back, Gum-Gum. Oh.

Adjust the stuff that I'm gonna pick up? Yeah. Yeah. This is, uh, this is a sword and a shield from a meanie. Mm, accurate. Oh, those are fine, fine specimens. Excellent quality. Would you be interested in trading those? I have some special reserve stock that I'd be willing to part with in exchange for those. Well, like what? I could give an item to each of you party. Tailor-suited, Bezla has such a history with you guys.

I know the kinds of things that each of you would like. Let's hear it. I wanna see what these guys are. Sounds like Christmas to me. Let's do this. Yeah. I mean, let's hear it out first. Let's not agree to this. Yeah.

Metagame perspective, each of you would roll and depending on what you rolled, you would get a different item. I have a list of items tailor suited for each of your characters. Sounds fun. That I would exchange to each of you if you're willing to part with sword and shell shield. What do those do anyway? You can't use them. They're not attuned to you. Metagame perspective, they only work for Valrasians. Okay.

I mean, I don't see why we wouldn't then. Yeah, let's do it. Sounds fun. Well, I was thinking that they were trying to pull it away because it was going to be too OP and it would require attunement, but eventually you'd be able to use it. And I wanted to kind of break the game, but since they're saying it's only for Valorazians and they cheated us, then we should move forward with the transaction.

Cheaters. Can you convert to Valrasian? Is that like an option? Well, as you know, Besler does collect rare artifacts. That's kind of been his ongoing thing every time you all encounter him. And mustaches. And terrible fake mustaches. So he's a collector of rare items. Oh, wait. Yeah. Show us what you got.

All right, you can go ahead and mark those off of your character sheet, Chris. Okay. And who wants to roll first? We haven't heard from Bart in a while. I'll do it. Roll me a d20, Bart. Just a regular roll, d20. Mm-hmm. Five. Five. Oh, I'm in the wrong. I'm looking at Mud's items. I was like, that doesn't make any sense for Bart. I have clothes for a spider. Why are we doing this to her? Yeah.

Bezler, you know, unlocks a chest that you hadn't seen before. It's hidden behind all of his normal wares. It starts digging around in there, and he pulls out a magic wand, and he hands it to you, Bart. For you, Bart, this is a wand of magic detection. When you're holding it, you can cast detect magic up to three times a day. That's a good spell. Wonderful. You should use it on me. Ha ha ha ha!

Just once a day, use it on Gum-Gum to check. Just to see if he's magical yet. That's your morning routine. I go, no, nothing. He goes, you didn't even do it.

No, I totally cast it. I totally cast it. I swear. You see? Pew, pew, pew. Or you could just do it and tell me it worked. Yeah. That's true. Who's next? Kyborg. Yeah, yeah, let's do it. D20, you said? D20. Also, metagaming, does the higher the roll, the better the thing, or is it just like there's a list of things? It's just a list of things at random. Oh.

Alright, here we go. Your roll just tells me which one to pick. Whee! That's a 20. That means it's the best one! 20 for skyborg. So I have a diaper for archers. Besler again looks into that chest, digs around for a bit, and pulls out a belt with a big buckle on it.

And for you, Kyborg, well this, let's just say I don't know who else I can give this belt to. And on the buckle is the coolest looking dude you've ever seen. Wearing shades with slick back hair, super muscular, super cool. This is the belt of sick tricks, by the way. Whoever wears this belt can declare a cool stunt

by praising the god of athleticism and if successful the wearer has advantage on any acrobatics check for the next hour and may be granted temporary hit points or a small blessing but if

if the trick isn't cool enough, the gods may look unfavorably upon them and they will have disadvantage on charisma based checks. Oh, and I'm looking at the belt buckle right now and the guy's got a name tag on it on the belt buckle. His name is Gus. No, it's Kord. Kord is the god of athletics, isn't it? It actually says sleek. Ha ha ha!

Even better. Blaine's face just went... If, yeah, if the audience could see Blaine's reaction upon that, oh my gosh. Immediate smile to, it's like that emoji that has the straight mouth across. Someone took some scissors to his balloons he's been holding around all day. It's Korg, right? Korg's on the belt buckle, right? There is no name tag. You don't know who it is, but it's super cool. Oh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's playing a loot. I don't know what else. No, I don't know what else I can do except from take it, so I'll take it. Yeah, that's cool. What's it called again? How do I find this? Sick trick something? Belt of sick tricks? The belt of sick tricks. I'll send you the thing I read. That's not homebrew. That's definitely Gary Gygax. Yeah.

Just for reference, I didn't mention it. If the trick's not cool enough, on top of having disadvantage on charisma checks, you may also take lightning damage from being smited for being uncool. That's pretty cool. I think the god of athleticism is actually just like a hawk.

I think his name is Tony Hawk. I think that's the... Jesus. I'm actually trying to flex my D&D knowledge. Who's next? We got... Who's left? Gum Gum and Mud. Go, Gum Gum. Okay, I go. I roll a d20. Yep. Here we go. And he takes a shot. I know. It did get a little gulf there.

And he sinks it. One. And he's rolling. Once again, Bezler dives back into the chest, rummages around, and pulls out a javelin. This here, Gum-Gum, is a javelin of lightning. You hurl it and speak its command word. It transforms into a bolt of lightning.

that's five feet wide and extends out from you to the target within 120 feet. Every creature in the line, except for you and the target, must make a DC 13 dexterity saving throw, taking 4d6 lightning damage on a fail save. The lightning bolt turns back into a javelin when it reaches its target and just makes a normal ranged weapon attack. And the javelin's property cannot be used again until the next dawn. Until then, it's just a normal javelin. Ooh, and if I jump on it, does it make me bounce?

If you use it in conjunction with your ring of jumping, yes. No, the way Gum-Gum would use it, he would look at a jab and he's like, oh, it's a big wand. And he'd just be walking around with this giant wand. That's actually true. Yeah. So you're telling me it's a magic lightning wand? Yeah. Yes. That's Gum-Gum's eyes. Last up, we have Mud. I shall roll. And I rolled a nine. Nine.

Nine. He brought a nine. What will you give me for this roll? Bezzler reaches down into the chest once again, pulls something out, and then closes the chest and locks it, and he hands Mud a wand. For you, Mud, this is the Wand of Web. It has seven charges, and you can use an action to expend one of its charges to cast the Web spell.

It regains charges daily at dawn. Everyone else got something new. I got something I can already do. But this is like you don't have to worry about casting it or preparing it. It's a magic detection wand. What is that going to do? You want to trade? Actually, I know that spell already too. Yeah, I was going to say, you have that, I think. Cool. We all got sticks. Free stuff. Free stuff. Free stuff. We love free stuff. Thank you.

I'm Spiderman now. I'm Spoderman. I'm Spoderman. As you guys are finishing up talking with Bezler, looking over your new items, crack! There's a flash of lightning streaks across a nearby portal and the rumbling of thunder shakes the hull. Overhead, you hear Captain Marge shout. I run up and I put my hands on the ship.

I run to the ballista and I start betting it. From the crow's nest you hear dead man Drefful cry out, Blimey, captain! Storm clouds ahead! They came from nowhere! Ye heard him, sailors! Heave-ho! And batten down the- Kaboom! A bolt of lightning strikes the captain and sends her flying into the main mast with a loud wham! She plummets to the deck, limp as a noodle.

You hear a screeching noise and four slimy tentacles erupt from around the ship, flailing and grasping onto the ship itself. Deadman Druffle yells out, The Calamar! She's back! Calamar? Release the Calamar! We've done a couple episodes like this before where we're going to have skill challenges set up for each of you guys. Oh, no.

And you can encounter problems, then you all need to devise a solution to the problem and then take the appropriate action with skill checks. If you're successful, good stuff happens. If you're unsuccessful, bad stuff happens.

And other party members can offer help. They have to figure out what you're going to do. And if you make a good skill check, you assist with two points. But if you do a bad skill check, you make it harder by two points. And I imagine this will have to do with the different roles that we chose. Look at you. Helmsman Bart. Bucko Bort. Ah.

Buckle Bort. This is actually a boss in Super Mario RPG, which is also a role-playing game. Peg Leg Potter hobbles over to you and says, Avast you scallywags. Do ye remember your duties? Duties. Sure do. Helmsman, Buckle Bort at your duty. And he accidentally snaps his suspenders. He's going to do that constantly. He will die. He will die. Yeah.

First up, you see Captain Marge is unconscious near the main mast and needs to be moved to safety. However, the Calamar's tentacles are flailing all around the main deck of the ship. Surgeon Matey Mudd, what will you do? Um... Heart transplant. Do it. Ha ha ha!

Well, first I have to turn back into a fear bog. I'm a badger right now. I don't think a badger's really good for surgery. So can I rush over to her and check to see, like, is she alive? What kind of check would you make? Check the medicine. Medicine? I don't know. What do you check? I check for breath. I check for breath. What's the check for breath? I'm just asking. Yeah, medicine. Yeah. You're going to have to be careful to dodge medicine.

tentacles that are flailing about the deck of the ship right now. Okay. So go ahead and just for fun, make me a dexterity check to see if you can get over all of the tentacles and get to Marge successfully. Marge. Marge. That's a 13. Yeah, that's good enough. Okay.

And now make me a medicine check to see if you can figure out what's wrong with Marge and potentially stabilize her. That's a 23. That's pretty good. You rush over to Captain Marge, and you feel like her heart is not beating the way it should be. So you take your mighty firbolg fist and slam it into her chest to help get it back into rhythm. Her eyes pop open, and she comes back to life. Yay. I did it. I'm a doctor. Marge! Yay.

Because he likes to do what Daddy does, Gumbo was also doing that with his little badger paws. Mud just invented CPR. Mud and Gumbo just invented CPR. Yeah. Wow. That's the best surgeon I've ever seen. So Captain Marge is revived, and if you want, she can help on the next skill check. Yay. Oh, excellent. Thick rain is pouring down overhead, and torrential winds are picking up, forcing the ship off course. The main sail needs to be furled and tied down. It's up to...

to Flower Pirate Gum-Gum the Rigger to make sure everything's taken care of. Okay. There's rat lines running up to the mast, you know, like that netted rope that you see like in pirate movies. So you need to make your way up there and roll up the mainsail and tie it down. How far up is it? It's like at the top of the mast. What would we say, like 30 feet, 30, 40 feet, something like that. Okay. This is about to be sloth from the Goonies. You guys...

God. Well, could I jump up there with my jump ring? How high can you jump? So jump ring allows you to do triple your normal jump, correct? Mm-hmm. You have a rod that can teleport you. I do. You could set the world record for how quickly you use the rod. All right. I'll jump and use the rod. Why are you going to jump?

Okay, let's see. High jump. When you make a high jump, you leap into the air a number of feet equal to three plus your strength modifier. Gum, gum, your strength modifier is plus five. So you're able to jump 11 feet up, which means with the ring of jumping, you get 33 feet up into the air. Oh, that's what it is anyway. So I don't even need to use the rod. Yeah, you could just jump if you wanted to. All right, I'll just jump and save the rod. Boing.

I don't know why you're saving it, but okay. Gum Gum hops up into the air. You easily get to the top of the mast, but you need to make a Dexterity check to make sure you're able to grab onto it successfully and stop yourself from falling back to the deck. Okay. So make me a Dexterity check. Okay, yeah, so I got a three.

You jump up into the air, but you're so pleased with yourself and you're so in awe of the view. You see all the lightning and the calamar under the ship that you forget to actually grab onto the mast. Oh, no. And you fall back down to the deck of the ship and land. I don't think nothing bad happens. It's like you don't take any damage or anything, but you land back on the deck of the ship. On my way back down, can I use the movable rod to teleport back up? Make a...

intelligence check to see if you think about it quick enough you created this monster Gus well you know 13. yeah as you're falling you see the mast pass in front of your eyes and you remember that you were supposed to grab onto it yeah so you can pull out the M movable rod and teleport back up make one more dexterity check to make sure you grab on to the the mass this time

He falls again. That would be really funny. That's a 10? The mast is slick from the rain, so you're not quite able to grab onto it, and you once again fall back to the ground. At that point, the calamar roars, and bolts of lightning come all around the deck of the ship. Everyone needs to make a dexterity saving throw. Oh, no. Bro. I'm so damaged from my suspendies already. Oh.

My suspenders. I rolled a seven, but I'm going to do a lucky. Lucky's only on one, is it not? No, no, no, not for elves. You have three luck points. He took the lucky feat. Yeah, so he can redo it at any time. At any time? Yep. I rolled an 11. I rolled a seven. I rolled a 20. I rolled a 12. Not much better, but better. Okay, so we got a 20 for Gum Gum, an 11 for Bart, a seven for Mud, and a 12 for Kyobor. Is that correct? Yes. Okay.

Okay, lightning slams down everywhere. Only Gum-Gum is able to jump out of the way in time. Everyone takes some damage. It's okay, guys. We're super beefy now because we leveled up, right? Everyone takes 20 points of damage. Oh! Except for Gum-Gum, who's able to dodge out of the way successfully, and he takes 10. About to take that potion that What's-His-Face just sold us. Bezler.

A gaping tear also rips through the mainsail and the ship continues to thrash about in the storm, making it very difficult to gain your footing on the deck. The calamar begins climbing up the starboard bow of the ship and starts wrapping its massive tentacles around the hull tighter and tighter. You hear the shiplap groaning under the pressure of its grip. It's up to Kyborg, the powder monkey. Oh, I forgot. It's a powder monkey iron arm. Woo!

to get to the weapons and supply them with appropriate gunpowder to be loaded, aimed, and fired to get the calamar off of the ship.

Let's do it. Get that marinara sauce ready, boys. We're having calamari tonight. So it's very difficult to hold your footing. The calamars grabbing onto the ship. The sail is causing the ship to thrash about in the storm. You're going to have to make a dexterity check at disadvantage to see if you're able to get to the cannons and the ballista in time to activate them. Got you. Okay. That's a...

20 and uh... 6.

So since it's at disadvantage, we take the lower one. So it's a six. Can I use lucky on that one? Yeah, if you wanted to, you could use lucky on that. Yeah, why not? We got the new thing. Let's do it. How often can you use lucky? I got three lucky points per long rest. Three a day. It's not only rolls he makes, it's rolls made against him as well. Oh, so he could get like an enemy to reroll. That is OP, baby.

He could have made Chris re-roll his persuasion check for the immovable rod, but I didn't say anything about it. I'm learning. I'm sorry, but I'll keep that in mind. Here's another dexterity check for you. My god, it's a nine. Nine. Okay, so you get a nine. You take a few confident steps, but the deck doesn't seem to be cooperating. It's not where you expected. You just can't quite seem to stay on your feet. The calamar roars and shatters the foremast. It thrusts the splintered pole and the flapping sail across the main deck. Hmm.

I don't like this cruise. I want to go home. I don't like the water. The calamar picks up some debris and barrels that are on the deck of the ship with its tentacles and tosses them in your direction. Mud.

Make a dexterity saving throw. It's only a 12. You take nine points of damage from being hit by a barrel. I'm in danger. The ship's still tossing about in the rolling waves. You hear Deadman Dreffle holler over the bellowing wind and rain. Avazki rocks ahead, rocks ahead. Do something before we scuttle the ship. It's up to Bucko Bort, the helmsman, to save the day. The helm, you know, of course, from your time previously on the ship, is at the midpoint.

the main deck towards the stern end of the ship. You've got to get there and try to do your best to steer the ship away from the rocks. Okay. Bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark. He gets advantage from all of this. Bark, bark. Keep going this whole time. Yeah, the deck, like, you know, Kyborg experience is still thrashing about. It's very difficult to get your footing. You're going to need to make a dexterity check, but you do have disadvantage because of the way the ship is rocking and the force of the calamar. Okay. Okay.

I'm trying to see if I have any equipment here that could help me. Could I intimidate him to be good? You could make him be good. You could try it. Maybe if you roll well enough, it's able to assist Bart. Yeah, this is like a dad yelling at his son. Be better.

But dude, I know all about that. No, I will not intervene. I just get best of luck. It's okay. It's okay. I'm very talented. So I'll be able to do this without any help. Speaking of which, Captain Marge reaches out to you, Bart. Oh, yeah. Remember your sea legs. You never lose them. And inspires you with a little bit of confidence. So you're no longer at disadvantage. Yeah. A regular role. Marge helps. Yar, Captain. All right. So dexterity saving or no dexterity check.

Check, yes. That is a 23. 23. You're able to, rather easily, actually, your sea legs do come back to you pretty quickly. You're able to scramble up to the helm, and you have to wrestle with it to pull it to the side to avoid crashing into the rocks. But before he does that, Bart lifts up both his pants legs, and he goes, sea legs. Bart is thrown off the ship. He is in the water, bang overboard. The calamar picks Bart up and eats him.

All right. Yeah, I guess you can make like a strength check to see if you're able to wrestle the wheel unless you can think of another way to try to move the wheel and turn the ship away from the rocks. No, I guess that would probably make the most sense. Okay. Because I can't talk the wheel into doing what I want to do. There we go.

That is a 14 on the strength check. You wrestle with it, but the wheel keeps pulling back in the direction of the rocks. Can I help? It's really tough. Yeah, you could scramble over and try to help as well if you want to do your own strength check.

Or do you have something else in mind? Well, we're trying to pull the wheel to the side and let it not rest back to the other way, right? Yeah. Could we pull it to the side before it gets rested? Could I put my immovable rod in there to stop the wheel from going? Immovable rod making a return. Sure. Make a... I mean, we need some kind of roll. Roll a d20. Yay. d20. d20. Nat. Nat. Nat 20. Nat 20.

What you got? What you got for me? The rain is stinging your eyes. You're barely able to grab onto the wheel. You feel like it's slipping out of your hands and you're losing control of the ship when out of nowhere, mud arrives with the immovable rod and sticks it into the wheel, stopping it from turning further to the rocks. You're able to pull it to the side away from the rocks, just barely enough to where the calamar instead plows into the jagged rocks and is sent careening off into the raging sea.

Everyone, if you don't have it, receives an inspiration die. Yeah. High five, Bart. Bart jumps to give a high five. Yeah. Captain Marge says, I believed in ye, Bart. Oh, I almost forgot. Here are ye navigator tools. She hands over a set of navigator's tools. Ye forgot these the last time ye were here. Might ye have any healing potions on ye, person? No, but Swavier can help ye with that. Yeah.

The choppy seas and murky skies steadily quiet themselves once again. As the storm clouds slowly scatter, two wards reverberate over the washing of waves. Land ho! What'd you call me? We did it! Thanks for listening to this episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon. Where have our adventurers ended up? We'll have to find out next time. Aruba! Bye!

Jamaica. Ooh, I won. Come on, pretty mama. Did we do the same song but different parts? Yeah, we did. We all did. That was fun. You guys had a lot of fun that episode. Some shopping, some fighting. It was a good day. Pirates. A little bit of Bezler. Yeah, some fighting during shopping. Yeah. But yeah, thanks everyone for listening. We'll be back again next week with another episode. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.