C01 - Ep. 36 - Wight Winter - Ep. Royal Battle Royale
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Ryan Reynolds here for, I guess, my 100th Mint commercial. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I mean, honestly, when I started this, I thought I'd only have to do like four of these. I mean, it's unlimited premium wireless for $15 a month. How are there still people paying two or three times that much? I'm sorry, I shouldn't be victim blaming here. Give it a try at mintmobile.com slash save whenever you're ready. For

$45 upfront payment equivalent to $15 per month. New customers on first three-month plan only. Taxes and fees extra. Speeds lower above 40 gigabytes. See details. This is a Rooster Teeth production. Good evening to you, Oblexes. Drip along into the Stinky Dragon. Consume our latest cocktail, Down Memory Slain. It's a mixture of reminiscent rum, R.N. Curacao, topped with Maraschino memories. Once you drain this dram, you'll feel more befuddled than your latest victims.

Previously, our adventurers saved the life of V King Nive, gleaned divine wisdom from Goddess Andi, and bested Warren Odom in a battle of bows and arrows. Now it seems a sacred tree and some ancient artifacts are the key to ending a century of war. But with a blazing building coming down and Ishbjorn invasion all around, can the Intern survive this final showdown? Or will V Head Ward finally get his crown?

I feel like sometimes when you're doing that voice, you're not letting enough air come out of your lungs and constricting you. That's why he sounds like one of those balloons where you pull the spout and it goes... I'm half expecting Gus just to faint in the middle of these speeches. That is 100% what happens. My lungs hurt when I'm done. And normally...

When we tape it in pickups, I'll do three takes of it, and I'm like, oh, I hate life after I do that. It's like whenever you do a deadlift or some really heavy lift and you walk away, you're getting triple, quadruple vision. Yeah, it's exactly like that. That's Gus's version of that. Ha ha!

I know exactly what that means. Way to connect. I'm just appealing to our weightlifting audience. I know that there's like about 40, 50 dudes listening to this place while they're just ripping out curls at the gym. And women. Oh, yeah, yeah, of course. I say dudes is a neutral term. If I've heard anything about Stinky Dragon, it's that it really attracts the fitness community. Yeah.

So, you all feel the sweat dripping from your bodies as the flames dance higher and hotter all around you in the hall. You also hear a low groan getting louder and louder until finally you hear a faint snap and the whole roof starts to cave in.

Everyone go ahead and roll a dexterity saving throw. Let's get this party started. Good lord, right off the bat. Literally, at this party, immediately terrified. That's an eight. 17. Seven for Bart. 16. No, sorry, 18.

For the listener, there's no 16 on the board anywhere. Chris just said a random number. No, no, I have plus two. Oh, wait, no. I did a dexterity check. My bad. I'll do a saving throw. Did I do that wrong? I think you did it right. It's the same for you anyway, I think. I have a plus six on my saving throws, and I have a plus four on my checks. Yeah, I see, I see. So you could either take what I initially rolled and just add four, or take my second roll if you want to be nice to me.

I'm going to take the first one and add six to it. So I'll add two more. So that's a nine. A nine. Yeah. So we left Kyborg eight, Mud 17, Bart nine, and Gum Gum 18, not 16. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, well, half of you are able to dodge out of the way of the falling rubble, but Kyborg and Bart are a little slow in dodging out of the way, and you all take a little bit of damage from falling rubble. Not too much. Nothing to necessarily be super concerned about. You both just take 17 points of damage. Good lord! Wait, wait. Just take 17 points of damage? Rocks are hard.

Only 17. That's rubble. It's like flaming wood. He rolled two D10s and got a nine and an eight. You know in Pokemon, whenever you like hit something and then your Pokemon goes into critical and it's like, beep.

Like that just happened to Kaiborg. He's just like, you know. The note John made there is important. It was 2d10 I rolled and it was a nine and an eight. It was almost max damage from a 2d10. I have a question because I'm way further ahead. I'm like on outside of the main hall. Right. Could I try and lasso one of them and pull them in so they don't get take damage? No, that's it's already done. Damn.

You literally, you rolled so that you would dodge out of the way, not roll so that you could dodge out of the way and save somebody. Yep. Everyone has been, well, half of you have been a little singed and a little flattened. You feel like you may be like an inch or two shorter than you used to be. You know, as glass and crumbling stone and charred wood all falls down onto you. Ouch. Can I look around for...

an exit? Sure. I mean, yeah, you all at this point, yeah, you, uh, there's an exit not too far away. Uh, it's the exit where you all first walked in at the southern entrance to this hall. Could I, um, drink my potion of healing? Sure. I still have a few in my inventory. Drink it. Drink away, friend. Okay. Can you baby bird me some of that? Cause like, I'll cast, I'll cast, uh, healing word on kyborg. What does that give me? Um, exactly eight health. I'll take it.

How do I roll for a healing potion again? It should have it on there. 2d4 plus 2. Exactly. So it's 6 plus 2, so I get 8 back. Look at you guys. We just got 8. Yay. I'd also like to...

since there's heavy things all around and I need protection, can I, since the healing war is a bonus action, so it shouldn't be missing any time, things that you might have in your head, but can I just turn into a bear? I'd feel safer. Okay. Bear mod. I'm a bear. I'm a big old bear. Are you sure you want to, hmm, because like the war that's waging right now is between bears and the other guys. But I'm not a polar bear. Okay. I'm sure they'll, I'm sure they'll discriminate accordingly then. Yeah.

It's pretty easy to tell the difference between a polar bear and other bears. They're kind of the most distinctive bear. They're like, attack, wait, hold. This one's a different color. You can pass. They hate us anyways. True. You better hope it's not like a colorblind Valrathian. That'll be fine. Do walruses see color? I don't know. Valrathians do, though. They definitely do. They see red all the time because they're angry. Ah.

Yeah. All right. So you guys exit the hall, I assume? Yes, please. Limp out of the hall. Yeah, sure. And do we know where the king went? He's with you. V King, Knife, and Sleek are with you, too. Wait, am I already a... I think I'm already an animal right now. Oh, you're a tiger. You're a tiger. That's right. Oh, you are. I was looking at my sheet, and I was like...

Why do I already have temp HP? Oh, I've been a tiger. The kid liked the tiger. All right, then I'm going to stay a tiger. Okay, Micah suggests bear tiger, but no, let's stick with tiger. Can I mash them together? No bear tigers. Mud bear tiger. Barbara got way too excited. I'm just like, is it a tiger head and bear body or bear head and tiger body? It's a very, very fluffy tiger with big old bear paws. Oh, that's good. Look at Arcanine.

Peking, would you like to sit upon my noble steed? That's right. You're on top of me. Or I was. I think I hopped off. Yeah, you hopped off. That's how we dodged it. That's how we dodged it.

As tempting as that is, I think I should probably lead the way instead. I can show you all where the sacred tree is. Oh. So the royal hall crumbles to the ground with a clamorous crash. A cloud of dust and debris obscures your vision for a moment, but your ears are filled with screams, roars, and the clashing of blades. The

The dust finally settles and before you lies the hundred-fist courtyard in complete disarray. Goodness. Did the guy that was like at the challenge of strength, you know, where you hit the hammer thing, the guy that was cheating gum gum out of his money, did he die? Is he dead? Make a perception check. Okay, all right.

Just to know if he's dead. Yeah, this is important. Roll to see a murder. This is Kyborg looking around. 18. Yeah, you see him lying lifeless by his game off in the distance with a number of polar bears prowling around in that area. I turn to Gum Gum and I say, justice has been served on this night. Ha ha ha!

It's dark. We're going to have a couple of challenges. It's similar to some episodes we've had before where you guys are going to encounter scenarios along the way. And then each of you, you pick one person to make a skill check of some kind to help or to try to navigate it. And another party member can offer their help if they want. And they have to make a skill check. And if they succeed, they add a plus two to the roll. But if they fail, they do a minus two to the roll.

Bart feels pretty confident in his stealthiness. If there's any sort of stealth maneuver I could do to be of use to the team. Noted. Yeah, just you'll see as they come up, I'll describe the different scenarios you guys come across and you guys can decide. So if there's a stealthy one, we know Bart's ready to hide, ready to slink around. He's even more stealthy now because he's been flattened by the rock. So he's skinnier. He's like shorter, but wider. It's like...

So, Kyborg, like I mentioned, you notice the operator of the Feats of Strength game lying dead on the ground over there. And as you're looking over in that direction, a horse pulling a cart runs by and starts running in erratic circles, nearly running you guys over, knocking you down. And it just seems to be panicking, running around all which way with a cart in tow behind it.

And it seems to be blocking your way, blocking you from proceeding any further. I'll handle this. Is there any person with a cart or is it just the horse and cart? Just the horse and cart. There is no Valrossian or Ishbjorn or anyone. Oh, I thought someone was just doing donuts. Sick. We should probably see what's maybe in the cart. Mud cracks his knuckles in animal handling. What do you want to do? You want to use your animal handling on it? Yeah, because nothing calms a horse down like a tiger.

How are you going to approach it? Like, what's in your mind? How do you do it? Paint me a picture. Paint me a mental picture. Here's the problem is that to really calm this horse down, the easy mode would be to turn back into mud, you know, and start going like full Brendan Fraser on it from George of the Jungle and just kind of like...

just kind of like, oh, whoa, and looking really cool. But I don't want to not be a tiger because I got benefits for being a tiger right now, but I don't think... Does anybody have any ideas on how a tiger would actually calm down a horse? Eat it? Purr. Yeah, I know. Other than a bite to the throat? Yeah. Letting its blood out. Jeez, yeah. That'll make it nice and calm. I'll turn back into mud. I'll turn back into mud. Okay. So get off me. Gum, gum. Why don't you turn into, like...

pretty lady horse. Nope. And then try to like lure it in. Is it like that scene from Hercules where Pegasus is there and then the two demons turn into that pretty horse that had like the mane that like went over one of the eyes and it was like...

Barb knows what I'm talking about. Go ahead, Mud. Go ahead. No, I, um, the horse is like, uh, it's just panicking. Yeah? Yeah. Okay. Then, uh, what I do is look at my spells really quick. Um, and I give myself a little bit of a pat.

And I try to go up and I try to just calm it down with my hands and very like, like just whoa, like very cowboy. Like we're talking cowboy mud is here. It's like, whoa, there. And he's trying to calm it down just a little bit, you know. Cowboy mud. Yeehaw. Cowboy mud coming to you this fall.

Okay, yeah, you know, you step up and try to, you know, put your arms out and try to calm the horse. And as you're stepping up, Knife like steps in behind you and says, Here, I can help too. I'll try talking it down. Also, Gumbo's doing this too. Gumbo's doing whoa. Gumbo's also helping. Well, only Knife will roll. Gumbo won't roll for assistance. But yeah, go ahead and make your animal handling check. See if you're able to calm it.

- Twelve. - Twelve. Naive's gonna go ahead and try to assist you. He rolls an 11. - Naive and I both have bad rolls. - Okay, individually, those aren't great rolls, but together they seem to be effective. At first, the horse continues to buck around and doesn't seem to pay much attention to your calming gestures, but then Naive also chimes in with some soothing horse sounds and it begins to slow down. So the three of you, including Gumbo, are able to corral the horse. - Cool. - Could we load up on the cart?

It's up to you. I'm in favor. I jump in the back. I jump in the cab. Yelling shotgun. I just don't know if we should take this kind of slow and quiet because the horse is freaking out and I don't want to freak it out more. It seems like it's calming down at this point. Okay. Okay. All right, everybody. Everybody.

In the cart. We're going for a ride. Okay. Yeah. Okay, yeah. I can't speak for everyone, but at least Sleek and Knife will get in the cart. Bart will get in the cart. Yeah, I'm already in the cart ready to go. Okay. I'll be in the front, and I'll steer the horse. Is that what you do? I'll sit next to him. I will be shotgun. You were joking, but I actually do want to be able to take pot shots if there are obstructions or anything like that. Okay. Literally riding shotgun. You need some shotgun arrows. Yeah. Oh, is that a thing? No.

I don't think so, but we should figure out a way to make that happen. Next time we're in a tavern or something, I do want to mess around and see if I can create new arrow types. I really want to pursue the idea of trick arrows. Someone's been watching Hawkeye. That movie sucked. It's a TV show. True TV show, whatever you want to call it. And it was pretty good, actually, I would argue. Some people liked it. Fight, fight, fight. I enjoyed it. What happens next? No.

Well, now that we have a ride, we need to start heading towards the other end of the courtyard where the Arctic Arena is. Where we fought the snowbites? Yeah. Yeah, that's where the V-King said he could help us. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. That's where the birds told me the sacred tree once stood. And that's where I rescued...

What's your fox's name? Fred. There it is. Or did Fred rescue me? I have a question for the DM. Yeah. When we get to this tree, are we going to find a nice young boy in a wheelchair who's been controlling the birds with his sight being attacked by a very scary... Took me a second. Iceman zombie? It took me a while to...

Speaking of awful TV shows. Dude, that's my favorite Game of Thrones character, Iceman. Iceman. I was more of a Maverick fan myself. Maverick's also an X-Men character. Oh. I'm just saying we're going to a big tree and birds are involved. It's just, you know. Yeah. A little wink wink. Let's go to the arena. Yeah. Okay. You start making your way to the arena, which you had been to before.

And on the way, you come across a battle playing out between Valrasian guards and some Ishbiorn spirits. It seems like there's no easy way to get through. There's a lot of crossbow bolts and throwing spears going across the terrain in front of you.

How do you want to approach this? Got any spell slots, guys? Oh, yeah. Create some scary imagery that'll scare them both away? We could do that. Could I... How loud can I make a sound, would you think, with druidcraft? Doesn't say a limit. You're talking about the instantaneous, harmless sensory effect, such as falling leaves, a puff of wind, the sound of a small animal, that part? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, so not very loud. If it says the sound of a small animal and the effect must fit in a five-foot cube, it wouldn't be very loud at all. Oh, okay. Anybody else got any cool ideas to get the attention of an entire group of fighting people?

I have an idea it might be stupid. Okay, it wouldn't be the first time? What? No! What if, uh, you set me on fire and then we throw a bunch of, uh, I have rum we'll throw into the middle and I'll say, "Run! Everything's on fire!" Right into the middle of the battlefield. And I'll run around on fire.

I mean, there might be similar solutions, Gum Gum, but, you know, like, I don't want to yuck your yum at any point in time, so. I could use my rat blanket, my rat fur as a protective coat and then toss it aside so it burns. Not me. Rat burns really well. But then you wouldn't have your beautiful coat anymore. I'm willing to risk it. All right, who's going to set Gum Gum on fire? I have, here we go.

Press the Digitation. Oh my god! Nailed it! I can instantaneously light or snuff out a candle, a torch, or a small campfire. I think a small gum gum might also fit in there. Or maybe I could just get the tip of his cape going.

Is there like an area where- 'Cause I have a bottle of rum I could throw and then- I just want to point out I've never heard Gus that excited as to when Blaine pronounced prestidigitation right. Barbara didn't even say it right. He didn't! Oh, I was so happy! Oh my gosh! The approval I've always desired. I was so happy. I have a question, Gum-Gum. What's the point of throwing the rum bottle on- around? So to break up the fighting, it's in the center.

Oh, as a point of getting their attention. He is a living Molotov cocktail. Yeah. To split the battle apart so that they aren't at each other, like the fire goes in between them. Right. I also have an exploding arrow if we don't want to kill our gum gum. Also, a different suggestion as well. Alternative suggestion, in case. I got this cantrip called Blue Fever of Bluegrass, where I could perform...

And everyone targeted must make a DC 15 charisma saving throw. I don't want to say no to things, but isn't that the thing where you have to be performing for like a few minutes beforehand? I don't think so. Oh, if it's not, then that's good. No, this is a different one. And what does it do? If they fail, they become enthralled by my feverish music. Do it. Or fervorous. I like that idea the best.

Yeah, as much as I want to commit arson and potentially kill Gum-Gum, I think that this is the safer route to go. Sorry, Gum-Gum. Hey, Gum-Gum, we'll light you on fire later, okay? Yeah. Okay. So am I able to do that, Mr. Dungeon Master, sir? Yeah, why not? They'll have to make a charisma saving throw. I'll roll two different ones, one for the group of Valrosians and one for the Ishbjorn, just because they're not, it's obviously not one big group. It's two different groups. Okay. Okay.

And I know, and it's going to be a DC 13. I know the homebrew there says DC 15. Your spell DC is actually 13. Okay. Okay, so here I'll roll for the Valrasians here. Ooh, they rolled a one. Nice. They love it. They love it. And rolling for the Ishbjorn here, four. Oh. Yeah. Dance, my monkeys. Yeah.

You're really into it. A little Pied Piper action here. So I guess Bart pulls out his banjo. You have a banjo, Bart? Or what musical instrument do you have? Let's do my lute for this one. All right. Bart pulls out his lute.

and lets out a huge power cord that somehow raises itself above the din of battle. All of the spears, all of the projectiles being thrown between the two camps stops as both sides of this conflict turn and stare enthralled and fixated

on Bart. They also, a feverish dance also takes over them. They also start dancing? Mm-hmm. They sure do. Okay, then everyone puts down their weapons and it's just like a hoedown. Everyone just starts dancing, unable to stop, unable to take any action or do anything. Everyone is just dancing as if all ill will has been forgotten between them. See? What a nice spell. It's very good. That was fantastic. Wish I could do that to the world.

I slowly, like, make the cart move forward through this party. While we pass through, though Gum-Gum does enjoy the music and dancing, he can't help but look down to his rat cape and his flint and tinder and just... What could have been? One of these days. Can all four of you make me a perception check, please?

8. We're only poo today. 13. 21. Yeah, Bart. Wait, no. Gum gum. Bart just has really good focus when he's playing music. That's when he's in the zone. 13. Bart, even though you're playing music on the back of this cart as you're being pulled through the battle, you notice something large with like a shiny tip kind of half buried under the snow as the cart is driving by in the middle of the battle.

Hey, Munt, go a little slower for a second and jump out and go see if I could grab it out of the ground. Can do. Yeah, you hop out for a second and you brush some of the snow that's covering it off and you see that it's a portable battering ram.

laying there in the middle of the field. How big is it compared to Bart? It's pretty sizable. It weighs about 35 pounds. I mean, it's not as big. How tall is Bart? Four something. 4'10". Bart is 4'4". 4'4". 4'4 is what I see here. So yeah, it's not quite as big as Bart, but it's close to as tall as you. Okay. Could I grab it and bring it back with me to the cart? Yeah, absolutely. But I want to like run with it over my head.

As if, like, I just stole it from everybody. Like a CrossFitter doing some new weird workout. Yeah. Just comes back, just yelling, cheese it, let's go! Run! Let's go back to Boulder Ray. I got it. I got it. Quick, we gotta burst out of this place somehow. What if only we had a way to get through things? A battering ram. If only we had a portable battering ram. Yeah.

I know y'all are going to find an interesting way to use it. I have no idea what it is right now. All right, yeah, so you all... How long does that spell last? That Blue Fever, Blue Grass concentration? Up to one minute. All right, so yeah, it's going to be pretty quick. So yeah, you guys do have to make your way pretty quickly through the battle area once Bart's spell takes effect. But you all are able to very quickly make your way through and find yourself on the safe side or on the other side where you need to go. As you all continue making your way to your destination...

You see a little bit of a hubbub blocking your path. It looks like there's a mob of Valrasian commoners surrounding an undead polar bear that seems to be injured and snarling at them. And all the Valrasians are kind of like chanting and throwing rocks at it. An undead? Yeah, an undead polar bear. So like zombie? Yeah.

In a way, it's not technically a zombie, but it's an undead polar bear. You've seen polar bears like this before when you found the temple in the cave when you all first came to this land. There were a couple of these polar bears that were hiding in the fog that attacked you guys. Yeah. I'll bring it up again and hopefully I get it right. Prestidigitation. Oh, I'm really getting good at this. Whoa, you're on a roll. Thank you, thank you. I don't like it anymore. Oh, man.

I can cast an odd odor. So maybe if I like make a rule, like that polar bear ripped a big old toot, maybe that'll spread them out a little bit.

Cast an odd odor. Anybody? I do it. Do it. Rip it. Rip a good one. All right. I rip a big fart from Prestidigitation over that polar bear to protect him. I use my farts for good, not evil. All right. Kyborg with a... It's always farts with you, Blaine. Yep. What kind of skill check would that be? Make a... Medicine. Medicine. You got a plus zero to medicine. Okay.

I'm thinking either deception or intimidation. Let's go with deception. Make a deception check. Oh, God. Both negative two.

Do you say anything to him? Like, are you just making a fart noise or a fart smell? He's trying to convince them. Yeah, at this point, I don't think it really matters. This is a 10, so I don't think it's going to be the stinkiest of the stinkies. Uh-oh, stinky. Uh-oh, stinky. You see the mob, or like some members of the mob, like start sniffing the air and looking around, trying to figure out what that smell is and where it came from. And a few of them turn and see you guys.

and say, "It was them! They're the Stinkies!" And they start throwing rocks at you all and, uh...

Pieces of wood and whatever they have at hand. Mission failed successfully, boys. No! There's a sewage pipe leak! This whole place is about to be covered in poo-poos! Run! Poo-poos. Gum-Gum just irrationally lights himself on fire and runs around, thinking that's going to solve the situation. As y'all are pelted by all of this stuff that they're throwing at you, y'all take...

Everyone takes two points of damage. Everyone. Worth it. Okay. Can I make a persuasion or something for the sewage pipe? Sure. Why not? Deception. Deception. Deception.

8, 20. 20. You hear, they start looking around each other, mummering. Mummering? Muttering. Muttering. There you are. I was like, that's not a word. Murmuring. He was getting muttering and murmuring and just mushing it together. Everyone starts mummering to each other. What's a sewage pipe? Do you know what a sewage pipe is? Sewage. What is that? I just go take a poop in the corner.

You seem like you've confused them at least. Wait, where do they go to the bathroom? Outhouses. Oh, back in the oldest? Yeah, they would just like dig a hole in the ground or they'd go in a bucket and throw it in the street. It's an outhouse. The outhouse! It's coming in!

The outhouse is an in-house. The outie's an innie. The outhouse is coming in. They've stopped throwing stuff, so you think you can pass by now, but they're all very confused by what seems to be happening now and the smells. You guys can't get out of here. You're going to get covered in poo. Just trust me. That's a chance I'm willing to take. I'm the fire marshal.

I'm the fire marshal. You and fire. He's a fire wizard now. He was a flower wizard. And he was an ice wizard at one point. Briefly ice wizard, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, he's just going through the elements. Soon he'll be Captain Planet Wizard. All right, you guys continue making your way downtown, walking fast? Yeah. Do you face his past? We're homebound. As we're homebound? Yes, I rolled for it. Yes, face his past. Excellent. Yep, keep going. Yeah. Yeah.

As you guys continue on your way, you reach the edge of the courtyard near the Arctic Arena, but it seems like there's a big cyclone of purple and blue clouds and lightning surrounding the arena kind of blocking your way a little bit. Is this a natural thing or magical? You don't think it's natural. You've never seen anything like this before. Roll perception check, GumGum. Five. I bet it's like the

the portal from which the Ishbyorn are coming from. Yeah, you're not familiar with this gum gum, but you don't think it's natural. Does it look like dangerous to pass through? Yeah, like I said, there's lightning and, you know, some pretty high winds. It's kind of treacherous. Is it something that something like a warding wind would be able to deal with? It hedges out vapor, gas, and fog that can be dispersed by strong wind?

Can we, like, make a hole? I don't know if that's strong enough. I'm going to read it. You're not strong enough. 20 miles per hour. No, I'm going to say that's not. This is way stronger than 20 miles an hour. How tall is it? Is it, like, a bubble around it, or is it, like, a wall? I mean, it's like a tornado, like, up to clouds in the sky. Wait, purple, paralite? Can we see anybody casting it? Make a perception check, Mudd.

You're just going to tell me I don't see anybody. Well, it depends what your roll is. Yeah, if you roll a 20. 14. 14. No, you don't see anyone casting it. If anything, it reminds you vaguely of wins you've seen before when you were talking to Spectral in the Ethereal Plane. Mm-hmm.

Could I take the necklace and the locket, or the neck piece and the locket, and take them out and see if they, yeah. Oh, do you still have them? You didn't give them back to the people? I thought you gave them back to us. Yeah. Oh, then never mind. Sorry. Then do you want to do something with the necklace? Yeah, I hold up the amulet and concentrate it towards the tornado and just really, really clench, you know, my buttocks.

Sure, make an arcana check. Is that where the magic comes from? The buttocks? Butts can be magic. Eight. Knives gonna also try to help since he has a locket. Three. These are not... Everyone, you guys and me, everyone's having bad rolls today. Sorry, I'm new to this whole magic thing. Yep. Mud turns to Kaibark and just goes, Kaibark, Kaibark, I need you to kiss it. And he holds the amulet out.

You've been giving so much hate towards it and you've been so mean. It's really messing with the magic. I need you to make up with the amulet. Is it cold? Is my lips going to freeze to it? Just give it a little kiss. All right. I'm going to roll for... What is that? Smooches?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll give it a kiss. I'll give it a kiss. Okay. Make a... What would that be? Like a charisma check. Make a charisma check for kiss. How good of a kiss is Kyborg? Negative two. Yeah. Definitively here. We'll find out. 17. 17. He's a good kisser. Wow. Good kisser. Slips a little tongue. I am a good kisser. Very good. Yeah.

Plump lips? So what are you doing? Just like making out with an amulet? He asked me to kiss it. This is a moment of, you know, extreme emergency. I gotta kiss it. Alright. I whispered to Bart, I don't understand magic. It's okay, just let it happen. I'll give you a book about it later.

It has pictures that you could look at. With that in mind, I'd like to take another stab at really focusing that amulet. Magic is so much about the feeling and the emotion, so this has to change the circumstance. Maybe you realigned a chakra or something? Yeah. Yeah. Sure, why not? And I smack my butt. Knife watches Kyborg kiss the amulet, and he opens up his locket and he kisses it.

It's worth a try. Knives first kiss. With a piece of jewelry. And that little bit of saliva. It's Kyborg's first kiss as well. That is...

19. Oh, and I rolled here also 16. Knives also, oh, the kissing seems to work. Kissing helped your amulet. Kissing helped Knives' locket. Much better rolls. Knives' locket starts emitting an orange flare and Mudd's amulet begins shimmering with blue light. Both artifacts suddenly discharge a focused beam of swirling light toward the cyclone. It pierces the wall of wind, opening a hole in the chaotic storm.

And as we pass through, Huey Lewis' The Power of Love plays. I was going to make that exact choice. That's the power of love. Everyone, go ahead and everyone in the party, give yourselves inspiration. Die. Yay. If I already had one, could I give myself an extra one? No. Just one.

Kisses for the win. Everyone also go ahead and give yourselves five temporary hit points. Oh, that means we're about to have a boss fight. I know. This is the boss fight where you're like, I found a room and there's a bunch of potions and a safe spot. Weird. Unfortunate. I'm going to camp here.

Sometimes our adventurers get a chance to unwind between their various escapades, like to spend a few gold pieces on magic items, extraordinary armor, wondrous weapons, something arcane. If you have any ideas for fantasy-based objects of value such as these, feel free to post it on Twitter using hashtag StinkyDragonPod. Maybe one of our intrepid interns will come across it in the spoils of their next battle. And of course, please give us a follow at StinkyDragonPod on Twitter and Instagram. Maybe you'll see something you like. Maybe you can send us a retweet or share one of the posts with someone else. Word of mouth is really great for a show like ours.

And this week we had a special voice actor for V King Knive. We have Caden Hildreth from Achievement Hunter. You can find that Luminoso Caden on Twitter.

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a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job, while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu. Yeah, so you see, you know, now in front of you, unobstructed, the Arctic arena lies directly dead in front of you. Yeah.

Is there anything within it or is it just the tree? Is it empty? Well, right now you're still outside of it. If you remember, it was almost like a little coliseum where you have to enter and there were stands where people were watching. GumGum, the first time you went in, you just jumped straight in from the stands into the arena. But there's actually an entrance. And I believe Kyborg, when he entered, he went down through the entrance to get into the arena. Yeah.

And you see that entrance in front of you. Could I maybe go ahead of the party just to kind of look around to determine if there's any potential dangers? I was going to suggest the exact same thing. I was like, we need a scout. Oh, that's up to you. Yeah. I mean, that's what the party wants to do.

I would like to scout. Okay. Go with my blessing. All right. Go ahead and make me a stealth check. Bart. That is a 26. Oh, look at you. Plus eight on stealth. Little stealthy boy. I'm sandwiched down now, too. I wish we could show everyone what you just did. It's just Bart with bad posture. It's all just like, just stand up, little boy. Okay.

But he's also like flattened out. So like he's really wide and flat. So he's going down the stairs like a disc.

You move toward the gap in the cyclone and enter into the arena. You feel a bit disoriented for a moment from the deafening roar of the tempest, and as you slowly start to make out the grandstands of the arena amongst the swirling blue and purple clouds, you realize you're in the eye of a storm. You look down into the arena's snowy battlefield and spot large formations of stone and stalagmites with an elevated ridge on the far end. Atop the hill is Osman the Hunter and the Snowbeist brawling with undead polar bears.

You raise your gaze past them to a section of the arena Grandstands on the far side and spot a grizzly Valrasian and a hooded Phantom exchanging mighty blows. Thunder crackling with every attack.

It appears to be Spectral and Ward locked in a fierce duel. Remind me again, Osmund was the hunter from Spectre's flashback, or was that Ward? Osmund was the hunter. Wait, V-King Ward? V-Head Ward. V-Head Ward, got it, okay. V-Head Ward. Yes. Bad Uncle is fighting Spectral, and Bad Hunter is doing what? Fighting the Snow Blast.

Bad Hunter and the Snow Bistar fighting undead polar bears. Yeah. Right, right, right, right. If I were to take a sniper shot from a random person, I think this would be the time. I don't like Osmond. Well, but we want to find something diplomatic. Yeah, but that guy also was like a murderer, so... Bart pulls out his smartphone and starts recording it.

To send back to the network. Worldstar. What was the point of the tree again? We got to bring back the deity, Andi. Oh, yeah. Yeah, Andi instructed you to take your amulet and knives lock it to the tree. That's her antenna. That's how we adjust the satellite dish and get her to tune in. You get to turn the five tree on here. Yeah, exactly. The five Andi.

How close are Omen and the Snow Bice to the tree? And of course, Bart, I assume you've rejoined the party and you're the one relaying this information to them. Yeah, so I took a very vivid mental image of everything going on so I could relay the proper information to the group. It's not too far away. The ridge that Omen and the Snow Bice are on is about 20 feet east of the tree.

20 feet east from the center of the tree. From the very edge, it's probably like 10, 15 feet. But then up, elevated a little bit, they're on a slightly higher elevation than the tree is. Should we try just getting the stuff to the tree first? Yeah. I would say so. I feel like there's two things going on that we could intervene with, but I feel like a lot of people are dying right now, so the longer we wait, the more that happens. I

I don't even know who to help with those fights. Are we worried that they would attack us if they saw us coming through? I'd rather take that risk than initiate a battle that we could potentially avoid. I have two ideas. How many involve you getting lit on fire? One, I could make a sprint for it and jump up to the tree.

Or two, I distract him while Kyborg makes a sprint and jumps up for the tree while I light myself on fire. I feel compelled to give a little further explanation. I don't think I was very thorough about this. If you remember, Andi said that the tree was very weak and dying and there's not much of it left. From what you can see, the tree just appears to be some very bare branches sticking out from the snow. It's not like

a very strong, mighty tree. It's just like some very weak-looking branches in the center of the arena. Very Charlie Brown Christmas, got it. Yeah, that's a good way to put it. So it's not like, you know, you're gonna make a jump into this grand tree. It's not, you know, I wanna make sure that's not your mental image. Okay. We have to be nice and delicate with it. Yeah. Do we wanna run and go and pray to the lady?

What if we just calmly and peacefully walked in? This party? Without making a ruckus. Just six people calmly walking through an arena. In this economy?

They're all busy with their fighting and their... The longer we deliberate, the more people are dying. We gotta get there. All right, let's quickly run and calmly walk over there. Could I help us with the walk over there? What does that mean? With the cart? Could I use something like the Dwarven Stone of Bread, which casts darkness, and we just, like, we make our way through the darkness to the tree? That's up to you guys. Sure, I...

I got dark vision, so I can help guide. As long as we could get to the tree safely and not like... I guess if you're driving the cart, we just have to be in the cart. As you guys are talking it over, you start to hear thunder and see lightning bolts streaking all throughout the arena. Everyone go ahead and make a dexterity saving throw. Oh my god! We gotta hustle, guys. Are you punishing us for taking too long? Yes, this is exactly what's going on. We gotta hustle. Oh, thank god. 25. 13.

16. 21 for Gum Gum. Yes, a series of lightning bolts strike very close to where you all are, like dangerously close. You feel like you very nearly took a lot of damage, but you all very deft in your movements and were able to get out of the way just in time. Guys, I have a metal arm. I am asking for it. Can we please get on the move and get to the tree? Let's go. Bart has a good idea. We'll calmly just head over and see what happens. Yeah, we're heading over. We're power walking. We're doing that thing. We're like...

You're in church, but you still got to get somewhere quick. So you're just... Yes, a very relatable to everyone here reference. When you're in temple and you have to make it to...

So y'all are just going to very nonchalantly but very purposely walk in towards the tree? Yes. It's like when you're in the mall and you don't want to look like you stole something, but you do need to get somewhere very quickly. I was going to say when you're walking past one of those kiosks that is selling stuff and you don't want to be awkward.

but it looks like you're busy, so you keep walking with your head down or looking at your phone. Gotcha. So what happens? What is your marching order? What order do you all do this in? Who's first, second, third, fourth? Kyborg's going first. Kyborg. I'll go...

I'll stay next to the king in the middle as his guard. Okay, I'll take up the rear. Who cares where Sleek is? Yeah, and I'm in the middle with Sleek. I'll hold his hand. Well, everyone said... Kyborg said he's in the front, and everyone else said they were in the middle. How about this? Kyborg, Gum-Gum, Knife, Bart, Sleek, me. Yes. Here, here.

Now we're all power walking. We're all power walking. Okay, yeah, you all, you know, very, you all, if you had phones, you'd be bringing them out to look at them right now to avoid any eye contact, as I believe Barbara said. Furiously playing Wordle. Yeah. Yeah.

Making your way, trying to make a beeline to the tree. Everyone roll a stealth check. Excellent. Keep in mind, I also have Mask of the Wild. So I feel like that gives me some sort of advantage, right? That just like, if I remember right, that just allows you to make like, to hide just about any time you want to.

Right, because it's snowing. So we got a 14 for Kyborg, a 12 for Mud, a 21 for Bart, a 20 for Gum-Gum, all decent rolls. Then we'll go ahead and roll for Sleek. Don't mess it up, Sleek. He didn't mess it up. He didn't mess it up. Oh, Sleek got a 20, and Knive... It's going to be me, though. I rolled a 12. 10. He rolled a 10. He rolled a 10. He's not very sneaky. Because he's 10 years old. No, he's 12. As you all are walking in, someone makes a sound. You're not sure who.

That catches the attention of, uh, Osman. Come on, Sleek! Get it together, man! Uh, he turns and looks at you all and says, You, the cheaters! Che-cheaters? Uh, he jumps down from the ridge, uh, and starts making a beeline straight for you guys. Shoot him. Quick, someone stick a foot out. Trip him. Hi, Borg. I can distract him. Gum-gum, lights itself on fire. Distract him!

As he's walking towards you, for some reason, like in all the chaos of all the wind and the magic that's flying around, the terrain between you guys starts to melt. And where Osman is, it actually turns into like a shallow, watery lake. And it seems like he's kind of stuck in the water now. He's trying to make his way back to solid ground. Oh, someone's looking out for us. The elements here. It's like they're protecting us from our mission because it's an important mission. Thanks, Andy.

So wait, so he's not coming at us? Now he's trying to get back on solid ground. He's distracted now. Can we proceed? We should keep going. Just keep going, keep hustling. Bart does the thing where he touches the ground and then kisses his hand.

As you all continue your trek toward the tree, a blast of wind howls through the arena and starts to violently throw heavy objects around like seeds and stones, seeming like it's getting ready to knock you over and carry you off your feet. Everyone go ahead and make a strength saving throw. I like how I keep seeing Gus rolling dice and not explaining what they're for. Dang it!

26. I'm strong as heck. Me and Bard did not do well. Three and five. 15. I rolled a five. I'm at a three. I rolled a one. I'm the strongest in the party. This is sleek. Two. Jeez. That's on par. And knife. Eight. Micah says, sleek dies. Gotta break it to him softly. Uh.

So Kyborg and Gum-Gum, you managed to hold your position. Somehow you managed to retain your footing. Mud, Bart...

Sleek and Knive, though, get kind of, like, blown over and kind of rolled around in the snow a little bit, so you're blown off course a little bit. Is there anything me and Khyber could do to help? Like, grab them, or...? You're just... You're really trying to just hold your footing at this point. I'll tell you what, everyone go ahead and roll initiative just so we can kind of get everyone in order here. 24. 8. 11. 13. Sleek. 13. Nice.

And knife. Ugh, one. Come on, knife. You're really sleeking it up here. It's almost like it's a bad idea to go on an adventure with a child. Aw.

It's his birthday. He's turning 13. We've been doing it for several seasons with Gum Gum. And I forgot, I'm going to roll for Osmond too because he saw you guys. 14. And while all this is going on, like I said, Spectral and Ward are fighting. And it seems like that's where all of the wind and the mystical energy that's going haywire everywhere seems to be focused really on them. On who?

Spectral and Ward. Gotcha, gotcha. That's where all of that seems to be coming from. Kyborg, you managed to hold your ground. What do you want to do? Who is the biggest threat right now? I mean, you said we're rolling for initiative. Is it because Osman's approaching us and he's trying to prevent us from getting to the tree? Yeah, Osman's kind of trying to approach you guys. But of course, like I said, Ward and Spectral are also fighting, as well as, you know, the Snow Bice are still fighting with a few Polar Bears too. Okay, well, they all seem pretty...

So since Osmund is the one that is approaching, it seems like the biggest threat and is also a huge piece of poop. I'm going to take a shot with my longbow triumph. Do it. 26. That's a hit. Boom. I got 11 piercing. Nice. Just as Osmund is about to climb out of the water and safely onto a stone, Kyborg peppers him with an arrow that pierces him in the shoulder and falls back into the water. Osmund growls in anger.

Oh, but I'm not done. I'm going to do an arcane shot bursting arrow. I don't like Osmond. Ciao. Four points. Not the best. Osmond reaches to his shoulder to break off the arrow shaft, but instead it detonates with an explosion of surging energy and he howls even louder in pain. Total 15 points of damage. Yes. That's good damage. Yeah. And also, I mean, it's force damage and he's like,

It's high winds. I feel like that would have thrown him off his balance pretty good. He probably would have taken a tumble. He's probably prone. He is not prone, but he is still in that water trying to get to solid land again. Okay. Well, his water got in his eyes, I'm sure of it. And now he's having a hard time seeing.

Well, it's his turn. So he, and then after him is going to be Gum Gum, just FYI. Okay. He, you know, pulls himself back to, you know, solid land and stands up, you know, and regards you all, looks at you. Well, I regard him. Ooh, regard off. He takes in a deep breath and then whistles loudly, which echoes across the arena. Ah!

Then he starts to map out a path across the waterlogged stones to you all. Guys, his cat called us. Kyborg. Who else managed to hold their ground? It was me. Kyborg and Gum-Gum? And Gum-Gum, yeah. Okay. He targets Gum-Gum with his eyes and starts making his way across the stones. He pulls out an anchor-shaped pickaxe, but this one seems to be customized. It's hooked to something. He raises it and takes a hefty swing at Gum-Gum. 15 plus...

19, I assume that's a hit. Yeah. He hits Gum-Gum. Four, three, plus four. Seven points of piercing damage. Okay. Gum-Gum, it's your turn. Before you go, before you do anything, make me a perception check, please. Okay. Oh, jeez. So many things going on. Oh, it's almost a 19. It said it's a zero. So it's nowhere near a 19.

Almost a 19 instead of 10. It was on 19 and then goes...

Okay, well, as you know, you're dealing with Osman. You see that Spectral is phasing in and out like a ghost, thrusting knives into V-Head Ward. What do you want to do? Okay, so the one who just attacked me was who? Osman. Osman. And Spectral's attacking V-Head Ward, and they're nearby? They're in the stands, like, further off to the east on the other side of the arena. Minding their own business. Haven't really noticed us yet. Don't bring them into the fight. Shh. Shh.

And where's... Because the king and John have the artifacts. Where are they in relation to me? We got blown. They got blown to the north. So they're like, let's say, like 10, 15 feet north of you. Okay. Uh...

Could I rage? Absolutely. I'm going to rage. Mother, may I rage? I'm going to roll my little rage crazy. Let's just see what happens. Got a four. Rage crazy. Magic influences one weapon of your choice that you are holding. Until your rage ends, the weapon's damage type changes to force and it gains the light and throne properties with a normal range of 20 feet and a long range of 60 feet. If the weapon leaves your hand, the weapon reappears in your hand at the end of the current turn.

That's pretty cool. Yeah, it was that thing where you can throw it and it just comes back. Boomerang, I have a question. There was a character in The Witcher like that. What's your question? If I threw a weapon with, say, a rope attached to it, would the rope come back to or could the ropes... It would probably teleport away from the rope. Yeah, the rope would just fall right there in front, wherever it was. And just the weapon comes back to your hand.

It's not MacGyver, it's McGumGum. Always trying to break the game. Classic Chris. McGumGum. Okay, well, I want to try and get John and help John and King Nye get the little boy. Get the little boy? Okay. Can I run over to him and pick him up and try and run back? Yeah, you could. That will provoke an attack of opportunity as you run away from Osmond, though.

Oh, Osmond's that close? Yeah. Yeah, he attacked him with a weapon. That's right. I'm sorry. If I tried to knock him prone or something, can I do that and then do it? Yeah, if you have, like, an ability that allows you to do that. Normally, you can't, like...

call to attack. Like if you're going to knock someone prone, normally it's like because you're grappling with them. That's what I was thinking. Like I grab them and like, you know, try and grapple them to the ground or something. Is that another thing? But then like, yeah, but then the thought is normally that you're then, that's what you're doing. You're like grappled in and that's your goal. Yeah. Well, I'm going to just do that anyway and run to the king and try and grab him.

Okay, well, let's see. Like I said, Osman's going to get an attack of opportunity before you proceed. Let's see if that hits or not. This is plus seven. Fifteen. My armor class is fifteen, so that would hit. That does hit. Yeah.

So then he hits you for eight points of damage. Half, so four. Oh, but yeah, half, so four. So you take four points of damage, which you're able to continue. Okay. So you're going to go and try to pick up Knife. Go ahead and make like a strength check just to make sure you can grab it. Okay. Be strong. He's got a plus seven. That's 17. 17. Yeah, you're able to pick up Knife pretty easily. Okay. And then where are we in relation to the tree now? Like, how do I... Is there anything in the way?

No, no, it's a pretty straight shot from where you are. It's just like 10 feet back. You can make it back this turn and have Knife at the tree. Okay, I'll make it back. I'll try and, yeah, rush him to the tree. And then do I have time to make an action, like throw a weapon or anything? So, so far you've just taken a move, we'll say, that's within 30 feet. Yeah, so you still have like an attack action if you wanted to.

I'm setting up my hunting trap. Oh, yeah, you have a hunting trap. And tossing it ahead of them so that it's between us and the guy who just attacked us. Sure. So you, like, set it up. I don't know if you can toss them. They're normally pretty, like, finicky. Normally you have to put them on the ground and set them that way. Like, if you were to toss it, it would trigger and close. Could I set it on our way there?

Set it on your way, like, back to the tree? Yeah. Yeah, but it would be close to the tree and where you are. Okay, yeah, I just try to protect us, protect the king. Is there a way I can place it where it's between us and that guy? Not really, because then you would have to leave and go back in that direction. Like, it's in the other direction you went from in order to get the king. Is there an option for him just to take a defensive stance?

Yeah, we can say that. Why not? You can ready an action for that. Okay, yeah, I'll do that then. And you can say, like, you ready an action where if Osman comes in range, you're going to melee attack him. Yeah. Easy enough. You remember the mask vendor from Majora's Mask that is just carrying a giant pack and covered in masks and just so much stuff? It's Beetle. That's Gum-Gum with everything he keeps gathering. Yeah.

In one episode recently that I was listening to recently, you claimed that we had a forge that you had picked up. We did. I know, but I'm saying Gum-Gum carrying all of this. Gum-Gum has 102 pounds of equipment on him. Baloney. Way more than that. Yeah. Anyways, anyways. Good turn, Gum-Gum. Sorry that took so long. The hunting trap weighs 25 pounds. Wow.

He's just encumbered in Skyrim terms. Gum-Gum pulls out his greataxe and plants his feet firmly on a stone, careful to guard Knive from Osman. As he's staring at him, a sly smile comes across Osman's face, and you hear a loud splash from behind him. A drenched furry claw bursts out from the water, grasping at Knive's shrimpy leg. You turn just in time to see the snow-bice roar as he pulls the boy into the icy water. Gum-Gum, save me!

All right, hope you enjoyed this episode, everyone. If you have any questions about the show, maybe you're one of the many folks in our community creating fan art. Perhaps you'd like to be named after an NPC in the show. Please post on Twitter or Instagram. Use hashtag StinkyDragonPod. Thanks for listening. We'll be back again next week with another episode. Stay stinky. Find out how GumGum's turn ends on the next episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha.