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This podcast is supported by FX's English Teacher, a new comedy from executive producers of What We Do in the Shadows and Baskets. English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job, while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.
This is a Rooster Teeth production. Guten Tag, Frau Lines and... Sorry. Keep it in the edit. Keep it in the edit. Micah, I hate you.
Guten tag, frow lines and fiends. It's that time again. Unholy hour at the Stinky Dragon. You can try our latest cocktails, Clayton's Whiskers. We take sinfully cinnamon gin, sourpuss vermouth, fresh OJ, and lingering bitterness. And shake all the ingredients with dry ice and strain it onto a boiling cauldron. It's one hell of a drink.
Last time, our adventurers traveled to the Elder Pines of the Temple of Dia to gather medicinal items to alleviate Elieve's symptoms. The Infinite offered up the location of Paralite's next move, Urbloom. The party stocked up on supplies at the Coupon Pond and headed on out on their mission, but when they arrived, they found a grave surprise. Themselves. Plant your posteriors and let's continue our tale. ♪
Hello everyone, welcome back to Stinky Dragon. German this time. Thank you to our writer, Micah, for continually testing my tongue dexterity. I may have failed my role a few times there. And patience. How's everyone doing today? You guys ready to play some D&D? Yay! Yes, this plays the D&D. We are going to roll the dices and we are going to play some good games. I don't want to be a pizza. Reference to an old Rooster Teeth short. Oh my God.
I thought you were referencing Angelo in his Italian accent or Charlotte. Yeah.
No, that would be, I don't want to be a pizza. Thank you for the good morning from hell shout out. That was cute. A little good morning from hell. If you're interested, another podcast that Blaine and Chris do. You could listen to that. Chris is still recovering from the heartbreak of losing the immovable rod to... Oh, no, no. I'm coming up with revenge plans. Oh, he's like typing it out. He's got a document. I have one at this point because this has broken your ability to maintain this character. And so I'm fine with whatever happens. Gum Gum's such a gentle giant, though.
Gum Gum's intelligence is four I'm curious to see what kind of revenge plans he's able to come up with it probably involves poop
All right, well, let's go ahead and we're going to dive right back into Tales from the Stinky Dragon. Before we do, though, I do want to remind everyone to give us a follow on social media at StinkyDragonPod. Share us with friends. Give us a good review. We have really great reviews. Barbara was talking to us about that before we started this recording. So thank you for doing all that work. People like us. They really like us. Keep spreading that word. They said if we get enough followers and subscribers, they'll let us buy our own dice.
Yeah, and maybe if we get a certain amount of followers, Gum-Gum could touch the rod just once. You can let him look at it from afar. So speaking of looking at, what are we looking at right now?
Deafening music and resounding bells nearly drown out the heats of rain pouring down all around you. Lying on the cobblestones before you appears to be your own dead bodies, but they look ancient and decayed. Suddenly, a hand reaches out from behind and grabs the ankle of Kyborg. You hear a hoarse but familiar voice say, Don't shoot! It's me, you rust bucket! It's Brink! It's... Oh, Brink...
You look down and it's Brink Tussler, but he's wrinkled and frail like an elderly elf about to keel over. It was too late, but you... Oh, you can fix this. Find me and give me this. He hands you a dog tag that reads Hannibal etched on one side. As you turn it over in your hand, you notice the other side reads, Please return to Brink Tussler.
There's no time to explain. You need to go back and convince me to work together with you to rebuild this recapitulator. He pulls out a mechanical hourglass and turns a crank on it five times. That should be enough to send you back a day or so. He thrusts the hourglass into your arms and says, See you soon, Rust Bugget.
and Brink Tussler falls to the ground dead. I grab Brink Tussler. He's got a little bit of life. I can tell. Come back. Come back, Brink. Come back, Brink.
He's on the brink of death. Role play. His lifeless body, you toss it around in your hands. But he's still alive though, right? He's got a little bit of life. One last word with Brink. Come on, my old friend Brink. He's gone. He's dead, Jim. I hate you, Brink. I hate you. I just wanted to spit in your face before you died. Gong. The hourglass begins ticking in your arms and the rain starts moving in slow motion.
The beat of the music and the bells sounds more delayed and drawn out like the tempo was slowing to a crawl. Are we in an M. Night Shyamalan film? Until everything finally freezes, leaving nothing but silence and raindrops suspended in midair. Then the rain and music slowly pick up speed and your surroundings start blurring by you lightning fast.
Why don't you all make perception checks? You got it. First roll of the episode. I rolled a 25. 10. 15. I did a 14. Even in death, the brain tussler sucks.
So Kaiborg, everything's whizzing by you so fast, but in the midst of the chaos swirling around you, it looks like you're in a cobblestone courtyard beneath a giant tower. Time appears to be moving in reverse for everything except for you and your friends. For Bart and Gum-Gum, you also notice a bright emerald wall of energy surrounding the courtyard, along with four smaller towers in each corner of the courtyard, but eventually the green walls fades into nothingness.
Four smaller towers. And for mud, it also looks like beyond the courtyard is the city all around you. Some parts of town seem to be frozen in place, but slowly, one by one, each part of the city starts to reanimate back to life, until finally, you also take note of the hourglass that's in Kaiborg's hands. It looks quite intricate and mechanized, made up of various working materials, but the sand inside is gleaming violet and swirling around like a cyclone.
Everything starts slowing down once again and your blurry surroundings begin to come into focus. The hourglass in Kyborg's hands eventually stops ticking and without warning slowly fades into thin air. Why don't everyone go ahead and make another perception check. This is scary. Oh, I thought this was a comedy D&D. 15.
22 for Bart. That's a one. Three. That's some great rolls today. You all take a look around and you find clear skies overhead with the warm sun bathing your wet clothes. The city and its citizens appear to be fine. No one is dead or dying and no music is playing. You also spot a crowd of people to your right gathered in the same cobblestone courtyard. They seem to be surrounding a smiling bespectacled orc.
You hear him say, all right, people, it's almost time for our tour. Take a seat anywhere in the Glockensquare, but please don't wander. We're heading for the Spurline Sailroad very soon. Oh, and as always, can I offer anyone some complimentary gum? What are we doing? Where are we? Gum, gum. You're in a courtyard. It's a beautiful day. There's people everywhere milling about. Oh, is there like any pretzels anywhere?
Roll a perception check. I'm rolling for pretzels. That's a 17. You don't smell any pretzels in the air. You do, however, see your old friend from episode one, like Barbara said, Oof, who appears to be wrangling a group of people and offering them complimentary gum. Could I do some type of checking out this gum to see if it's safe? What would that be?
You could roll a medicine check. Okay. Yeah. I grab a piece of gum, or I take a piece of gum, but I check it out first. And I roll a 11. Stick it in your mouth.
It seems fine. I don't remember. Did you eat any of the gum the first time you saw him? I think you did, right? I think I did, yeah. Yeah, no, it seems to be, as far as you can tell, ordinary gum. He says, oh, Bart, right? I remember you. How are things over in Boulderay? You know, could be better. You know, just a hard day's work. Am I right?
Oh, I know that. I myself had to change professions. No longer caravan driver, but I'm a tour guide now, showing people the fine city of Urbloom. What's so notable about Urbloom? Oh, there's lots to know. It's a big city. It's easy to get lost if you don't have a tour. If you want, I can show you guys around. You can see each of the city's four districts, and then we can end up at the tavern for a drink. Oof, the end is nigh. Have you seen Brink Tussler? I bring him dark visions of the future yet to come.
Brink Tussler? I don't think I know anyone by that name. Why don't you all come along on the tour? I'll show you the city. Plus, after the tour, you get some free booze on me, included in the price of the tour. What about more gum?
Oh, gum here. He hands you another stick of gum. No, here. How much is a tour? It's five silver pieces per person, which includes a ride on the sail road and a complimentary drink at the end. Of course, tips are welcome. All right. Anyone got silver? Yeah. Do you get break change? Gold points? He has like a little change dispenser like you'd see if someone had an arcade on his belt. He can make change for you. I hand over five silver.
I would like to pay for everyone except for Mudd. All right. Except for Mudd already paid for himself. Yep, I already handed my silver over, so... Thank you, thank you. Oof takes the money, makes any necessary change, and dispenses it. Oof looks up at the central tower and says...
Well, you look at the time. We better get this show on the sale. Everyone follow me to the Spurline Sail Road. Oof starts heading southwest towards one of the small towers. At the base of it's an open gateway and as you enter, Oof pauses and says, We're just about to leave the city's central courtyard called the Glockensquare. It's the home of the one-of-a-kind Glocken Tower and its four surrounding bell towers.
The Glockentower is six stories high and functions as an enormous sundial and moondial. When the lights from the Sonar Moon hit the tower, it casts a long shadow across the city, pointing toward one of its four bell towers: the Dawn Bell, the Noon Bell, the Twilight Bell, and the Midnight Bell.
We're currently standing beneath the Twilight Bell Tower, which normally rings to signal sunset, or at least it used to. The bells haven't been rung in some time, as that was the job of the guild head. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Onward! You leave the base of the Twilight Bell Tower, and the gateway opens out to a dirt road lined with picket fences.
As you walk along the dirt path, Oof says, Urbloom is known for their idyllic grass fields and sprawling flower beds across the entire city. Never forget to take a moment each day to smell the flowers all around the city. And sure enough, on either side of the road are flower beds with every color petal imaginable spread across small fields of grass. Bart hops out to quickly smell some of the flowers. Go ahead and roll me a constitution saving throw, Bart. All hands and feet within the vehicle at all times. No! No!
Constitution 13. You take a deep whiff of a flower and it smells beautiful, like the most sweet smelling flower you've ever smelt in your life. You can't believe you never smelled anything quite this wonderful. Hey, guys, you got it. You got to try some of this. Gum Gum wants to make a flower appear in Mud's pocket with his dirt. That's a giant flower.
With a staff of flowers. It's the Raffaellaecia Arnoldi flower. It's the biggest flower in the world. Got him! Okay, uh... How big are we talking? I don't know what that flower is. It was three feet across. It's 15 pounds. About maybe three feet tall. It's big.
Gotta love those grudges. That really move the game along well. I do want to smell Mud's flower. Mud, you're standing there and you feel something rustling in your pocket and a large flower starts sprouting out of it. Okay. I guess I toss the flower away.
But it's like he didn't even notice. No, it's big. It's too big. Guess who else is big? Mud. So you don't have any more mud now. Mud plucks the flower out of his pocket and tosses it off to the side. I assume in the flower bed where the other flowers are. Yeah, just to the side. He didn't even smell it. Mud's not really interested in flowers. He didn't listen. He didn't follow instructions.
Kyborg, were you going to do something as well? Oh, yeah. This whole tour, Kyborg has not been taking in any of the information. He's been zoned in on that horrific vision of the future, and he's been using his hand axe to carve no fate into the trailer. He's just a million miles away. He's just so shook. I guess I'll smell one of the flowers, too.
Okay, go ahead and roll me a constitution saving throw. That was a Terminator reference. I got you. Okay, I'll just make sure. 40th anniversary just passed. Terminator 2. 40th? Really? That's impossible. Was it? Or was it 30th? It would be 30th. Got to be 30th. 30th. It's 23. It was a nat 20. You smell a different flower than Bart. It's a beautiful orange colored flower. You've never seen anything like it. It smells wonderful. I can't believe you've never actually stopped to smell the flowers before.
Oh, my God. It's life-changing. No fade. Can Mud reach down and just grab a sample of the dirt? Sure, yeah. You don't have to make any roll for that. You just got a little bit of dirt. Okay, thank you. Okay. Well, the dirt road inclines and eventually meets up with some wooden stairs at the top of a hill. You climb the stairs up to a bustling roof platform with a sign that reads Spurline Sailroad Southwest Platform.
Mud elbow nudges bark.
Oh, let's go that way. So are you all getting on the... I think Bart wants to talk to that conductor. Bart wants to talk to the fine conductor he sees across the way. You walk up to her. She seems to be directing people on and off the trolleys. Let's go, people. Let's go. Come on. We got a timetable to keep here.
Bart clears his throat. Milady! Fine afternoon we're having here, huh? Oh, yes. Great, excellent weather. No delays on the rail at all today. Ah, well, are you from around these parts? Yep, I've lived here in Urblu my whole life. I'm from the Ironhoff district. She looks down at her pocket sundial. What are you checking your sundial for? You in a rush to get away from me? Gotta get people on and off the trolleys. Got a very tight timetable to keep here.
Play some music on your little illusion instrument. Okay, I will do that.
Bart takes out his instrument of illusions and plays a song to create some beautiful dancing fairies around this halfling. Ooh. Was that like a performance check? That is a 21. So you conjure up illusionary fairies dancing around you as you perform? Yes. She looks at you and kind of furrows her brow a bit, says, no distractions, please. We've got to get people on and off the trolleys as quickly as possible.
Oh no. Move along. Your trolley is departing shortly. Oh.
Our trolley. We're getting on a sail. Yeah, she's pointing at the sail road. Is Oof coming with us? Oh, yeah. He's smiling at you guys standing at the edge of the trolley, beckoning you all to join him. What is the instrument that you play, Bart? Well, Bart plays a number of instruments. Yeah, but what's the illusionary instrument? Does it look like a particular instrument? It just says when you are playing this musical instrument. So I'm going to say it's a lute.
Okay, it's a lute. I like that. You make it a theremin. Oh, gosh. It's one of the weirdest instruments ever. How about it's a harp? It's a giant harp I pull out. Just Bart lugging around a big old harp. Yeah. That's a lot of acrobatic checks, Kyborg. I'm somersaulting onto...
Five somersaults. The trolley? Yeah. What'd you get? A 17, 22, 16, 9, and 13. All right, you did all right. You somersaulted okay on the trolley. Again, almost lose it there for a minute, but you managed to save it. Each time, I say, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Mud gets on the train. Before I go, may I have thy name, fine lady? She looks down at her pockets analogous and says, my name's Harshie.
Ah, what a beautiful name. All right, let's go. She looks like she's getting annoyed now. Okay, come on. Let's move it. Keep it moving. Bart winks. So I'm going to do a charisma check to see if she liked it. All right. Yes.
That's a 20. She seems a little taken aback and takes a step back and says, thank you. Okay, now get going. Wonderful. Bart looks back and sees that she's blushing. Barb decides. Did it again. Gum Gum, are you going to get on the trolley as well? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that went well, Bart. Thanks, Gum Gum. I hope you like my friend. So you see Harshi pull out a...
a whistle and blow on it. And the sail trolley begins moving. It looks like it's being blown from this platform by an air elemental that's trapped in a glass cage reinforced with metal bars. That's fun. So the trolley begins accelerating to the next stop. While y'all are waiting on the trolley, Oof continues talking and says...
There are many wonderful facts about Urbloom. It's a large circular city surrounded by the sailway that we're on, called the Spurline Sailroad. The city is divided up into four districts, each with powerful guilds. Each district has a guild specializing in its own craft led by their own guild leaders. The four districts are: Grubdorf, Ironhoff, Steinmun, and Woodinilf. The city is ruled by said guilds and their respective leaders and overseen by the Guild Head, the city's facilitating ruler.
The Guild Head normally resides in the center of the city, in the Glocken Tower, under the leadership of the Guild Head. The four districts have often been harmonious and collaborate together to build some of the city's innovative landmarks.
That's nice. Lately, however, the cities become more divisive and the districts are antagonistic of each other. Started a few weeks ago when the latest guild head was murdered. Oh. Kendrick Ken Census. The four districts have been unable to elect a leader to replace Guild Head Ken because each district keeps voting for their own guild candidates
always leading to a stalemate, and they always accuse each other of assassinating Guild Head Ken. A stalemate. This is a really weird thing to say on a tour. I mean, like, I don't know if that would help with tourism. There's currently a gang war going on on your left. He's a freelance tour guide. He's not like a city sanctioned tour guide or anything. Sure.
The conductor yells, "Next stop, Northwest platform! All aboard and ready to be blown!" And whistles loud. What? The air elemental blows an enormous gust of wind into a vent, and a trolley sail wildly flaps open and the vehicle is thrust forward at breakneck speed. Everyone go ahead and roll a dexterity check. Oh no. 24. 20. I got a 15 for Bart. 16.
Pretty good. Pretty good, guys. I want to Teen Wolf it. I want to Teen Wolf it. What do you mean you want to Teen Wolf it? I want to get on the top of the thing and I want to Teen Wolf it. It's a boat. Yeah, I want to Teen Wolf the boat. It's going very fast. When the trolley begins accelerating, it actually accelerates very quickly and kind of pushes you all back in your seats, which you all managed to successfully not fall out of your seats. We're so athletic. And what are you doing? You're Teen Wolfing? What do you mean? You're going to have to explain for our listeners who are not nearly as old as you.
It's when he gets on the top of the roof of a van and he surfs on it. Teen Wolf. At this point, the point is moot, and it also goes against my character who is zoned out and thinking about the future, like Sarah Connor, stricken with PTSD. So continue on. Sorry, guys. He just wants to keep making 1980s references. I just really do. It's a problem, John, and I don't know what to do.
As you all are traveling through this district, Oof points out items of note and landmarks to you guys. He points out the Ironhoff Guild. They forged their way into the city's history with their blacksmithing skills. Their strong suit being armory. The guild leader is Allie Foyel, a halfling as tough as the nail she crafts by hand. Mostly in this district is stout halflings, but also other small folk. And the guild motto for them is he who smelt it, dealt it.
Bart really likes this place. Nice. Ironhoft is where Harshie's from. Yeah. And the biggest landmark in this district is the Swingblade Forge. It's known for crafting the sailroad steel rails, the sail trolley iron wheels, and forging each bell in all four of the city's bell towers, and of course, crafting custom weapons and armor. I'm going to come back there for a t-shirt later.
And what was the saying? Those who smelt it dealt it, you said? He who smelt it dealt it. Like S-M-E-L-T. You got it. Little pun there. Little play on words. Good. That's good.
Hey everyone, as always, thank you for listening to Tales from the Stinky Dragon. Just got to remind you, I know, like always, the best thing you can do to help the show is to tell a friend or tweet about the show, you know, podcast live or die on word of mouth. And we love seeing you all talk about the show. Make sure you use hashtag StinkyDragonPod to get your name in the show as an NPC in future arcs. Well, it's not guaranteed, but maybe. Or tell us about some simple magic items you'd like to see in the campaign. Maybe just, you know, some simple things that you think are level appropriate for these guys.
And make sure, of course, you rate us on the podcast platform of your choosing. We've got great reviews so far. Let's keep it up. Thank you so much. And with that, let's go ahead and pay the bills. Camp is in session. This episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon is brought to you by Camp Betrayal, a new horror comedy themed reality competition for Rooster Teeth First. In Camp Betrayal, 12 contestants pulled from around the Rooster Teeth family compete for their lives by completing challenges for their evil host, the Babadour.
In each episode, contestants are randomly chosen to lie, backstab, and sabotage the team's chance at success. But can they keep their role a secret, and can they survive elimination? Find out who's a team player and who's a betrayer every Tuesday on Rooster Teeth. Episode 1 is available for free right now. That's Camp Betrayal every Tuesday on Rooster Teeth.
As the next platform rapidly approaches, a gust of wind blows into the sail from the front and the trolley begins to slow down to a crawl. You roll into the next platform and a human dressed in the same green conductor uniform but lined with rhinestones. Ooh. He gently says...
Salutations, passengers. You have arrived at the northwest platform. The next destination will be the northeast platform. He softly blows on a glass monocle and rests it on his eye. He's a fancy lad. The trolley's waiting here for a moment as people depart off the trolley and new passengers get on. Sir, is there any news about Ironhoff you'd love to share with us as travelers from an outside land? He looks up at you through his monocle and says...
Hmm. You're not as dumb as you look. Sadly, no, I have no news for you at the moment. I don't know how to take that opening of that line, but OK. I hold up a very poorly drawn picture of Brink Tussler and I say, have you seen this boy? He looks at it and says, oh, that's charming. What you lack in intelligence, you make up for with effort. He's patting you on the back.
So is that a yes or? I've never seen anybody made out of drawing wax in the city. I scan the horizon dead in the eyes like a Terminator. Oof, we're staying on the trolley, right? Oof says, yeah, we were taking the trolley to the next stop. While we wait, though, we can play a game. Let's play Oof Hardy. He pulls out a megaphone and begins acting like a game show host.
I'll ask questions about the tour, about trivia, about Urbloom, and get enough questions right, and you can earn a prize. Ooh, I'm interested. Round one, question one. Where in the city does the guild head normally reside? In the center. At the Glockensquare. The Glockensquare and the Glockentower? Correct, the Glockentower. One point for Bart. Yeah.
What is the name of the city's most recent guild head? Kendrick. Ken consensus? Ken consensus. Ken census. That is correct. 1.4 mod. Golf clap. Golf clap. Golf clap. Question three. He seems like he's shuffling invisible index cards. What is the name of the city's sail road? Spurline.
That is correct. Another point for Bart. The spur line sail road. Final question, number four. What is the name of the first district and name one fact about it? Ironhoff. Who smelted Delta? Yeah. It's the quote of the district. Well, that was two of us saying something. Have a good day. Ironhoff also makes the rails for the spur line.
Correct. We'll give that one to Mud for giving both the name and the... Mud taking something else. After round one of Oof Party, we have two points for Bart and two points for Mud. This is just Gus testing if we're actually listening to anything he's saying. That's exactly what that is. This is exactly what it is. The conductor yells, All aboard and ready to be blown! And whistles loudly. A massive gust of wind floods the sail and the trolleys propel forward. Whee!
Dexterity save. Yeah, Dexterity save it though, please. Oh, okay. For all of us. Ooh. Six. I got a 25. Dang. 16. Seven. The trolley begins accelerating suddenly and you take damage because you bump into other passengers in this crowded trolley car. Kyborg take one point of damage and Gum Gum take two points of damage. Oh, wow. I guess that's me and Kyborg bumping into each other. Yeah, maybe you bump your heads into each other. I like that.
I like that we're both covered in like swords, axes, arrows. Us bumping into someone would be like the end of the life for someone else probably. Well, you have all that stuff like in Scabbards and Protected. You don't want it cutting you either when you're running around. I have my sword still drawn because I'm thinking about the future. That's terrible. That's why I took two points of damage. Oh, good point. Got poked.
You'd think they'd have this built into the system so this doesn't happen to passengers. Well, the passengers, the people who live in the city are used to it. They know how to appropriately brace themselves. This is your first time on a trolley on the sail road, so you're quite unsure. It's like when you have a dog in a car and they don't know how to sit. If they just sit, they're fine, but they're trying to stand and all unsure of themselves. I was thinking like the subway where the tourists in the subway are always falling over because they're not holding on to you. It's pretty funny. I curl into the fetal position thinking about my dark future.
Oof points out, you are now passing through the Steinman District. It's occupied by masons that manage to both keep their noses up in the air and to the grindstone. The guild leader is Hugh Manor, a posh man with prosperous means and a love for polished marble.
People in this district are exclusively human and no one else. And their guild motto is "Never take yourself for granted." You may notice fine landmarks in this district like the Manor Manor. It's known famously for its ornate tile floors, ceramic and pottery decor, and delicate glass-blown sculptures.
The Manor family gained their wealth and reputation from crafting luxurious cobblestone paths and courtyards through the city. What was this place called again? The Steinman District. Steinman District. It's shaped like a cup. An opposing wind decelerates the trolley and you gradually roll into the next platform. A limping elven conductor hobbles over to the trolley with a walking stick and a tattered uniform. He bellows, Hello!
Hello, my name is Hardy. Welcome to the Northeast Platform. Please watch your step as you exit the trolley. Next stop is the Southeast Platform. Don't worry, I will gather your belongings for you. A few passengers exit the trolley and the elf quickly makes their way down the aisle and starts yanking people's belongings and tossing them across the tracks towards the exit. He starts trying to grab at some of your items to toss them towards the exit as well. So everyone go ahead and make a strength check. Uh-oh. We're gonna fight this weak elf dude.
24. Take it from my cold, dead hands, man. Oh, no. I'm not very strong. One. Ooh. 14. Kyborg is the only one who's able to hold on to all of his items. Hardy grabs items from everyone else and begins tossing them towards the exit. Bart, he grabs hold of your bedroll and tosses it in the direction of the exit. Gum-Gum, he grabs hold of your hunting trap and tosses it in the direction of the exit.
And Mud, he grabs your mess kit and tosses it out in the direction of the exit. As he's grabbing your stuff, he says, wow, that looks heavy. Please allow me. Could I try to use my mage hand to get it back? Yeah, you could try that. Bart, yeah, you're able to successfully use your mage hand and pull your bedroll back. Okay.
It's not too far. It's only about 10 feet away from you in the direction of the exit. Well, for Bart, that's very far. He's very small. The rest of you could probably reach with one hand and just grab your stuff back. Can I go grab my item back? Yeah, can I pick up my stuff back? Yeah, you can go grab your stuff. I do want to point out that Mud, to avoid having to do that check on whether he falls into his seat or not, he can just pull out his immovable rod and just...
Plane it right in the ground. It's like one of those rails on the subway that you hold on to. Yeah. Give that a go. Be pretty cool. Oof once again pulls out his megaphone and says, all right, it's time for more Oof Party. Who's ready to play? Round two. In order to keep this a little more orderly and avoid split points, let's have everyone roll initiative. That way we can take turns here and see who actually is winning at Oof Party. Say turn.
I got a three. 17. I got a 19. So Mud will get first shot at this answer. What fragrant phenomena sprawls across the entire city? Flowers. That is correct. One point for Mud. Bart cheers for him. Golf club. Kyborg. How many districts and how many gills are there in Urbloom? Four. For what? Districts. And how many gills are there? Four. Kyborg.
That is correct. Trick question and Kyborg's able to navigate it. It's two points, right? One point. Bart, name the two districts we've traveled to thus far. We've traveled to Ironhoff and Steinman. That is correct. Bart is now tied with Mud. Three points apiece. Gum Gum. Yeah. The city's central courtyard is known as the Glockensquare. How many towers reside there? One. I'm sorry. That is not correct.
Mud, do you want to steal this one? Uh, I believe there's four. Oh yeah, I bet he does. Oh, do you have an inspiration die? Gum gum? I used it. Oh, you get it back. That's a good one. That's a really good one. I used it to dance. Where were we? Mud. There's four, I believe. Incorrect. Kyborg. That is correct. The four bell towers and the one glockentower.
So we got Bart with three, Mud with three, and Kyborg with two. Gum Gum yet to get on the board. All passengers are aboard and accounted for. They can now be blown to their destination. You hear a loud whistle. A gale of wind blasts the trolley forward. Everyone go ahead and make dexterity saving throws. As he's saying, it can now be blown forward. Every time he says that, Bart looks around for Hershey. 20.
Eight, five, ooh, ten. Mm. Gum Gum learned from his past mistake and he's firmly in his seat. Bart, you feel a little unsure of yourself, but you managed to stay seated just fine. However, Kyborg and Mud both fall into the mast and receive some damage as a result of that. 28 points of damage. Kyborg takes one point of damage and Mud takes five points of damage. Oh my god, Mud died. Ow.
That hurt. You get like head first into the mask. You are now passing through the Wooden Elf District. The Wooden Elf Guild is carpenters that take great measure in their construction projects, often leaving clients with blank stares. The guild leader is Tim Burley, a diligent elf that nails everything he sets out to build. He used to have an apprentice that tried to make him laugh, but nothing would work.
What's up? In this district, you'll find predominantly elves and half-elves, and the guild motto is, we are so proud of ourselves. The key district landmark is the Loggin Mill, which is known famously for supplying each district with their high lumber demands and for constructing nearly every wooden feature in the city, including homes, businesses, the sailroad tracks, much of the Glocken Tower, and so on.
The wind blows across the sail and the trolley slowly rolls into the platform. A bearded dwarf conductor is sitting on the ground with his back propped against the wall and his eyes closed. His uniform is unbuttoned with his belly hanging out. And you hear snoring sounds. Someone wake him up. I like the cut of this guy's jib.
And we want to, hey, Mud, you want to poke him with your removable rod? I don't know if he can reach. Can it reach? You can always get out and give him a little poke. Mud gets out of the trolley, turns into a mastiff, and pokes the guy, just putting his face right up to the guy's face. All right. Go ahead and roll me a d20. 18. Oh, yeah. The dwarf seems to wake up with a start.
and is very startled by the Mastiff that's staring at him in the face. Must have dozed off. Oh, it's time for routine passenger inspections. He begins walking towards the trolley, going through people's bags. You hear him. Contraband. Oh, so much contraband. Looks like he's grabbing things out of people's bags and eating them, oddly enough. All right, everyone, it's time for Oop Party round three. Let's everyone go ahead and roll fresh initiative. Why was he eating stuff? 17.
11. I got 13. 16. Here we go. This is my time. Kyborg, you're up first. Which reputable family of herb bloomers is responsible for the city's cobblestone paths and courtyards throughout the city? It's the Manners, Hugh Manner. Correct. Kyborg tied for the lead with three. Gum Gum. Yeah. Name the second and third district we visited on our tour and provide one fact relating to each one of those districts. D.
- Wooden Elf District. - Correct. - And it make, they make mostly elves and half elves. - They make elves and half elves. I guess that's correct in a roundabout way. - And the Stenman District. - Yes. - And they only make humans. - I guess that's also correct in a roundabout way. We'll give a point to Gum Gum. - Nice. - Yeah.
I like that you invented your own facts about those places that are actually correct. Bart gives him a little pat on the butt. Oof, continues shuffling invisible index cards or non-existent index cards. Bart, why don't the four districts get along at the moment? Because they each try to nominate their own representative to be the new head. And they can't agree on one, right? Hmm.
You're close. And why is that? You know, it's escaping me. Here's what I'm going to do, though. I'm going to do a ventriloquist performance and speak through Kyborg. Okay. What are you going to make Kyborg say? Here he goes. What am I talking? Oh, yeah. Kyborg, it is not your turn at the moment.
- I'm making Kyborg time. - Who thinks Gus doesn't like this trick? - Beads of sweat pour down my face. - I just don't know where it's going. I don't know if I'm just reading it. - I'm trying to, essentially Blaine knows the answer, so I'm trying to make him answer for me. - Oh, gotcha, gotcha. But it is Mud's turn for the steal. - What was the question again? - Why don't the four districts get along at the moment?
That's because someone assassinated the guild head and then they need to, um, they need to vote on a new one, but they all just keep voting on each other's, uh, guild leaders. We'll give half a point to Bart and Mud. Uh, both really close, not quite right. Each district believes the other is responsible for the assassination. Blaming each other. You both were close. Almost there. Kyborg, who is Ali Foyel? That's the guy from the first district.
He's the district head guy, right? A little more specific. I only got stuff on Wooden Elf and Steinman District. I don't know. Valid answer. Gum Gum, you want to try to steal this one? Okay. I see Iron Huff Man. District Man. Woman, but close enough. Give that one to Gum Gum.
I'm not gonna lie, only started taking notes on starting with the second district. So all first district stops. I skipped first period. I am so sorry. I figured as much. You were a little focused on your dark future. Was that the name of the Terminator movie? Dark Future? Dark Fate. You were a little focused on your dark fate. Yes.
You hear the conductor say, "All aboard and ready to be!" And he dozes off and starts snoring again. But as he exhales, his bearded lips offer a feeble whistle and a torrent of wind launches the trolley forward. Everyone go ahead and make a dexterity saving throw. - Here we go. - 18. - Nailed it. - 12.
15, 10. Okay, you all managed to stay in your seats just fine. And as you're accelerating, the trolley goes through a flock of birds, but you all managed to deftly dodge them all and nobody takes any damage. Jesus. You almost got Fabio out there. Oof says we're now entering the Grubdorf district.
It's a garden variety of gardeners, cooks, brewers, and alchemists that know how to keep their ears to the ground. The guild leader is Lush Breadwin, a stout dwarf that makes every business decision from the grassroots level. It's mostly hill dwarves here and some other earthly folks. Their guild motto is "Brewing is a whiskey business, but it's definitely worth a shot."
Their key landmark is the Beer Garden Pub, known famously for being covered in foliage and flowers, offering garden-fresh food and the stiffest of drinks. Plus, it's the only tavern in town. A rush of wind slows the trolley into the platform. The Halfling Conductor doesn't look up from her sundial and yells, "Alright folks, this is the Southwest going Northwest. Let's keep it moving on the double!"
Oof chimes in. That's our stop, folks. But don't worry, we will have one final round of oof-hardy on our way to the pub. The conductor here is Harshi, who you were talking to earlier, Bart. And he's trying to help get people on and off the trolley as quickly as possible. It's your second chance. You can do this, Bart. You know, I respect a lady's wish not to be talked to when she's working, so I'm going to...
I'll just wave at her, give another little wink. Look at you. She does seem preoccupied with her work at the moment. She probably would appreciate your understanding of that fact, Bart. But he still winks. This is a perfect, like, G.I. Joe He-Man moment. Yeah. Roll your charisma. That is it. Oh, nat 20, 25. Oh, she actually smiles and gives you a nod as she continues yelling at people to get on and off the trolley. Now Bart blushes. Posseen, aww.
On today's episode, we learned that respecting women's space is the most important thing. I thought you were telling her that you were going, you respected her wish not to interrupt her so you weren't going to talk to her. I thought you were saying, I respect the woman's wish not to be talked to. So I want to let you know, I won't bother you.
Can you respond to that, please? Can you look at me right now? Yeah. Oof begins leading you all off of the trolley and busts out his megaphone again and says, time for round four of Oof Party. Everyone go ahead and roll initiative. This will be your final quiz about Urbloom. Five. Oh, no. Eight. Nine. Fifteen. Okay, Mud, name three of the four districts in Urbloom.
There's Steinman, there's Ironhoff, and there's Wood Elf. Correct. 1.4 mod. Could you say those again just so I have them written down? Sorry. It's Ironhoff, Steinman, Wooden Elf, and Groobdorf. Groobdorf? G-R-U with an umlaut, B-D-O-R-F. Cool. Gum Gum. Yeah. What is the name of the city's central tower and what does it do? The central tower...
is where the man who is in charge of the place lives and works. And it is named Tower. Close, but not quite right. Bart, you want to step in for the steal? Can you repeat the question, please? What is the name of the city's central tower and what does it do? The Glockentower is the central tower, I believe. Tells the time. No.
Correct. That is a .4 barc-- I got the tower part. You forgot the glockens part and what it does. Kyborg, why don't the bell towers in the glockens square ring? The guy that rang them is dead. They haven't rang in years, right? Judges, yes, we'll give you a point for that. That is the job of the guild head, but he was assassinated and has not yet been replaced.
Mud, what is my name and my aspiring career? Aspiring career, I don't know, but your name is Oof. And? And your aspiring career is perform on Broadway. Incorrect. Because I don't know if any of you asked this in this episode, maybe I think one of you might have asked this in the first episode. I'm going to allow anyone who might know this, if they think they know this, to let me know and we'll just bypass the initiative because...
Assuming it wasn't game show host. 'Cause who wants to be one of those? Eh, eh, eh. Right, John? If you remember in the- OH! YOU'RE A LAWYER! What was that? Lawyer!
That is correct, GumGum! What?! Whoa! How did you remember that? I mean, metagame, Chris, how did you remember that? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I was about to give you a hint that he was reading a book when you first met him on the cart in episode one. That may have given you a hint to it. I know why I remembered it. What's that? Because I think Kyborg said something about him being an orc and being a lawyer.
And it was, you know, surprising. I think GumGum took offense at that because he's half. Yeah. In chat, Micah is super impressed by the way that you were able to remember that. Welcome to Chris's brain. You're just sometimes perfect and then sometimes not. That is amazing. I didn't think anybody was going to remember that because nobody asked about it again in this episode. You'd have to remember all the way back. It's been weeks, months maybe since we talked about that.
Okay. Now for the lightning round. We'll throw initiative aside. If you know the answer, just let me know. There are two bonus questions. Bonus question number one. Can anyone guess what my last name is? Sorola. Doof. Ow. Oryk. Oryk. Oof. Oryk. Oof. Oryk.
Bonus question number two. Can anyone guess what the citizens of Urbloom call themselves? Herblis. The Urbloomers. The OK Urbloom. Mud. Kaibork, any guesses? Herbalife. Herbies. Ooh, so close. The answer is Herbs.
So close. So close. Almost there. So our final point tally. Bart, 4.5. Mud, 4.5. Both tied for the win. Kyborg, 4. And GumGum, 3. For every four points earned, the party gains one epic boon. Each boon is divided amongst the party and are for single use only. Epic boon? Yeah, B-O-O-N. It's like a special ability you get to use one time.
Except for every four points, you said? Yeah. So you get three of them? You get three. Oof reaches into his pockets and pulls out little Oof flower pins and hands you guys three of them. Make sure you're wearing this pin in order to use your epic boon. Oh, that's fun. I want Boon of Insevability.
So how does this work? We share? We all get it? You all can pick three for the party total. And there's a pin associated with it. So it's like if you pick one of them and you have to be wearing the associated pin to be able to activate that boon whenever you want. For the boon of invincibility.
So for in this example, if Kyborg picks that Boon of Invincibility, he gets a pin and he needs to be wearing that pin in order. That way it's not like he can't pick that, be wearing the pin, and then Mud can't use the Boon of Invincibility. Like it's tied to the pin. Can you use it only once? Does that mean each of us can use it once? Or does it mean... Once and then that's it. It's gone. I want the Boon of Speed.
Maybe. Or no. Yeah, I mean, it's up to you. So the Boon of Invincibility, when you take damage from any source, you reduce that damage to zero. Once you use that Boon, you can't use it again. So it's like if Kyborg knows he takes a particularly big hit, he could activate that to not take any damage. I'm actually going to take the Boon of Recovery. Well, we're picking three for the whole party, right? Yeah. But I did get 4.5 points. I'm just pointing that out. So did you, Mud. Yeah.
Yeah, can we do Boon of Recovery, Boon of Invincibility, and then one more? Yep. One, two, three. The math checks out. If we wanted, as far as regaining hit points, the recovery would make more sense for someone like me as a tank getting it. We're all going to be wearing them, right? No, so like, for example, Boon of Recovery is tied to a specific pin. Oh. Someone has to be wearing that pin in order to proc it. Oh, okay. Okay.
Yeah, then give Kyborg invincibility. Give Gum Gum recovery and then Bart, pick whatever one you want. I'm fine not having one. I guess the speed would be helpful. Okay. Let's see speed. So your walking speed would increase by 30 feet. And in addition, you can use a bonus action to take the dash or disengage action. Oof is a drug dealer. Just give Bart speed. Is the speed also a one-time use? Because...
Yeah. Don't want to break the game permanently. Just allow you to break the game once briefly. Dang it. Spamming speed. Ufi is still leading you all over to the tavern. You all turn right off the dirt road onto a cobblestone path that opens out to the plaza of the Grubdorf district. The surrounding buildings seem a bit overrun with ivy climbing each wall, as well as wildflowers and grass sprouting through the cracked cobblestone.
Oof leads you off to the right towards a large tavern with a sign that reads, Beer Garden Pub. No shoes, no shirt, no worries. Well, we've reached the end of our tour of Urbloom. I hope you enjoy getting a 360-degree view of this lush metropolis. Now let's get a drink together in the Beer Garden Pub. Oof offers a bow and heads for the pub. Kyborg takes off his shoes and his shirt.
Yeah, I was just saying Gump does the same. No worries. You all follow Oof through an outdoor patio, crawling with vines and make your way toward the door. Who's going to try to open the door? Anybody? I'll go for it. Okay. Kyborg reaches for the rusty door handle and seems to be unlocked, but the door won't open. It feels like it's jammed or it's stuck. And I really put my back into it. Okay, go ahead and make a strength check. Are you trying to push it or pull it, by the way?
Wait, what kind of, which way are the hinges? It seems like it swings both ways. Nice. All right, so I guess I'll pull. You're going to pull. All right. Yeah. Go ahead and make a strength check. By the power of gray skull. 24. You're pulling on the door. It doesn't quite seem to want to open, but you really put your back into it, like you said, and really give it a pull and...
You pull the door open and you realize that on the other end of the door, Brink Tussler was holding onto it, trying to pull the door open as well, but you yank him through. He falls on the ground at your feet. Ha! I've outstrength you, Brink Tussler! You son of a gun. He's alive. He seems shocked to see you. Well, well, well. Look at who it is. The winners of the Pious Past Pinhead Competition. Didn't think I'd be seeing you chumps again so soon.
Beware my manners. Let me introduce you to my friends, the Evergards. Four burly hooded figures walk up behind Brink in matching black cloaks. They all reach for their bows and swords. Get ready to say, Infiniti Night! Everyone go ahead and roll initiative.
Oh, I was going to punch him. I had my finger lingering on unarmed strikes, just ready to punch him in the face. Well, we're going to have to get to that next episode because that's the end of this episode. What's going to happen? Are the Infinite interns and the Evergards going to get into it? Will Oof be able to continue his dream of attending law school? Find out when we come back. Well, you might not find out about Oof going to law school, but you'll find out what's going to happen with the fight on the next episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon.
