C01 - Ep. 10 - Deja Ürbloom - Fortunes, Forests & Faith Pt. 2
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This podcast is supported by FX's English Teacher, a new comedy from executive producers of What We Do in the Shadows and Baskets. English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job, while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

This is a Rooster Teeth production. Greetings, my ghosts and ghouls. Long time no see. Float on in to the Stinky Dragon and try our latest cocktail, the Corpse Haunter. It's a mixture of four different spirits that'll stick with you until the very end and then some. Talk about an aftertaste.

Our story continues with our adventurers split up searching for remedies that will hopefully save a leaf from a grave threat. Bart and Mud are in the misty Elderpine Forest looking for medicinal plants and a lost swordo. The good news is they found him. Bad news is he's inside of a giant Sturge belly. I wonder what fate awards Gum Gum and Kyborg as they embark on their mission at the local temple. Let's find out together and continue our tale.

I love when you get to your high-pitched voice. Woo! I'll tail it out of there. You got to do it every now and then. You got to have a high pitch. Imagine Gus with a brother named Bus, and that's what he sounds like. Hey, Gustavo, it's your good old bro, Bus. Oh, I hate that bus. All right, we're going to pick up with Kyborg and Gum-Gum here. They're going to church.

Yeah, you follow the local signage southward past Boulderay Heights School until you reach an impressive stone temple with stained glass windows. You walk around the building and you find a small set of stone steps leading up to a pair of ornate elder pine doors. A marquee sign next to the door reads, Temple of Daya, open 24-7. Queen Daya, help us to be the people our dogs believe us to be.

Signed by Pastor Ocean. I mean, are we just standing outside this place? Yeah, you're standing right outside. Right outside the Temple of Daya. Okay, let's go in. Gum, gum. Real quick. Pop quiz. I know what it is. I'm going to see if you know what it is. What? What are we looking for? We're looking for an altar. Nope. Yes, an altar. We're looking for an inhaler. An in-breather. Oh, God.

How big is it? It's like a fist. It's between my two fists. That's pretty good. Pretty good, Gum-Gum. I'm proud of you guys. I mean, we only did cover that yesterday. We just, so we're recording this the day after that other episode. So good memory. You got it for 24 hours. Yeah. So yeah, you all are standing outside the Temple of Dia. Okay. I knock on the door. You ball up your hand into a fist and knock on the door and the door isn't even latched. It slides open.

And the Elderpine front doors open to reveal a long stone hall bathed in kaleidoscopic sunlight pouring through stained glass windows on all sides. The floors are made of mosaic stone tiles and the vaulted ceiling is decorated with a painted mural. Along the walls are a few alcoves decorated with stone statues and plants. Straight ahead are a few pedestals holding religious relics and a pair of bookshelves.

Beyond that are several stone pews occupied with a handful of locals, and at the end of the temple you spot an altar and someone playing a pipe organ that echoes through the halls. Alright, let's go. Do we need to, like, do a thing before we go in? You know, like one of those...

religious things. What's the religious thing that you're thinking of? I don't know. Isn't there like a pond of water and you gotta like dip, you gotta slurp it or you gotta dip your hand in it and rub it on yourself? I've never thought of it as a pond of water. I want to investigate whether or not I have to do anything before I enter. Well, luckily for you, there's a forest gnome acolyte who comes running up to greet you. He says, oh, welcome, welcome to the Temple of Daya. I'm acolyte Monet. Is this your first time visiting the temple? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, well, you're definitely going to want to follow the temple's sacred practices in order to adhere to our religious beliefs here. Okay. Okay. Yeah, sure. Walk us through it. Okay. Well, first of all, she looks down at your feet. Are you all wearing shoes? Do you all have shoes? We never covered that. Show feet. I am wearing fine boots that I made from a leather of the hide of an animal that I hunted in the woods.

Let me see if I'm wearing boots. I imagine you are. I imagine I'm wearing some sort of boots. Yeah. First step, obviously, you must take your shoes off. We have racks over here where you can safely stow your shoes. Okay. I'm imagining that Gum-Gum has Crocs. Olden day Crocs. They call them Corks in this land. Gotcha. Okay. I remove my shoes. And I get a good whiff of my boot. And I say, oh yeah, that's musky.

Oh, I should have told you that Acolyte Monet has golden hair and skin with tattoos sprawling across her body with religious symbols. Oh my God, I'm in love. She's dressed in a rainbow robe. I forgot to mention that. I'm in love with her. I like your drawings. Oh, she looks at her tattoos and then she looks at the mural on the ceiling. Oh, thank you. What do we do now?

Okay, well now you've got to cleanse your hands and your feet in the holy water. And she leads you over to what Blaine would call a pond. Or a bowl of water. Or just a bowl of water. Can I look up at the murals that she was glancing at when I mentioned her body art? Yeah, there's a huge mural across the ceiling of the temple. It looks like an impressionistic painting showing a technicolor goddess with her arms stretched out gathering all the realms together.

The realms? Okay. Cool. So she leads you over to a bowl. I wash my hands and then I run some water through my hair, kind of rub my teeth a little bit because it's been a bit since I brushed my teeth. Bart, do you want to put money down on how soon these guys anger a god or something? I gargle some water. Yeah. Five minutes ago. I went in on this.

All right. What next? Is Gum-Gum also cleaning up a little bit? I think he sticks his hands in and then he splashes a little like for fun and giggles. All you really need is hands and feet. If you want to have fun with it, that's not frowned upon. I tell you what, can you both make a religion check for me? Oh.

Negative one. Uh-oh. I got a two. That is as... I got a zero. How did you get a two and a zero? I got a one in my negative one. I'm a negative three on religion. You both, as you're cleansing yourselves in the holy water, you feel compelled to confess a sin and ask for forgiveness. Ha! Ha! Ha!

What was the acolyte's name again? Monet. Okay. Monet, I have a quick confession. Did something real bad one time. Mud thought that he was putting dirt in his coffee. It wasn't dirt. What was it? Oh, you're not there. I want to know. I'm just asking. I just leave it there. I just leave it there. Well, what's the sin? There's no sin. You haven't... You just said it wasn't dirt. I know.

That's not a confession. Confession is saying the bad thing you did. And then you have to ask for forgiveness. Yeah. So I need forgiveness for putting poop. I mean, something that is not dirt in this coffee. Wait, is your poop dirt-like in texture? I let it dry out for a bit in the sun because I really, I wanted this to work out. It's that night soil. Oh my God. That's like you had to crumble up your own poop.

Go ahead and roll another religion check there, Kyborg. Here we go. Money, money, money. And three. Yeah, you still feel dirty. You feel like you have another sin you need to unload before you proceed into this holy place. Oh, God. Okay. What was your name again? Acolyte Monet? Monet. Monet. Okay. Monet, I have another convention. Go on, my son. Terrible. In my party, there is a small man named Bart. And one time...

One time when he was sleeping, I said, Bart, more like fart. And then I farted on his face while he slept. But you know that dirt that came out from Mud's cup of coffee? That's where I got the dirt from. And you have to ask for forgiveness. I need your forgiveness, Monet. Please forgive me, Acolyte Monet. I'll make another religion check. Okay, here we go. Here we go.

16. 16. All is forgiven, my son. You may proceed. Bless you. Thank you. I have a confession. Yes. I'm afraid of the dark at night. Oh, God. Well, there's nothing inherently wrong or bad with that. Yes, there is. Do you seek forgiveness for your fear? Yes. I'm sorry. Roll a religion check, please. It's a four. You have a minus three on religion. Wow.

Is there anything else you wish to unburden from yourself? I'm also afraid of forks. Forks? Like the eating utensil? Yeah. There's a lot of spikes on them and they hurt my tongue. Monet, if I may, it's because he was chased by people with pitchforks when he was young because of his size. You seek forgiveness for this? Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm afraid of forks. Go ahead and roll a religion check. We'll say you have advantage for having a pure soul.

Just being dumb. I got a seven and a nine. I'm sorry, Gus. Don't be sorry to me. You're the one who has to keep coming up with sins. What else do you wish to unburden from your soul, child? I'm trying to think, sir. If I may, Monet, I have one more confession. I know I don't need to do this, but I feel like I must. Okay. One time in the night, I put...

several forks in Gum-Gum's bed and he couldn't see them because it was the night and he was afraid of the dark. Please forgive me. You are forgiven. Oh, thank you. I'm also afraid of those wiggly things in the dirt. Worms? Oh, yeah! Do you seek forgiveness for your fear? Yeah. Yeah. I got a negative one. You have an advantage for having such a pure soul.

I got another negative one. Two negative ones. You had advantage on this roll and you ended up with a negative one. I'm glad you guys aren't fighting anything right now. Maybe, Gum Gum, you might be tied up here for a little while. I don't know if Kyborg wants to continue or keep listening to all of your confessions. No, no, no. We must cleanse this impure being. I'm also freed of swallowing seeds. It's true. When I eat fruit.

And do you seek forgiveness for your sin? Question mark. Yeah. Go ahead and roll a religion check. 13. 13. Roll one more just so we can see what it is. Oh, yeah. That's how I got 16. 16. All right. Oh, I feel you have unburdened yourself. You are ready to move on. Your soul is somehow even more pure. I feel burdened.

She pulls out a book for you guys. Next, I need you all to read a proverb from the sacred text. Okay. Guyborg just starts talking. She had dumps like a truck, truck, truck. Thighs like what? I gotta say...

Oh, what was it? Monet. Monet, Monet. I gotta say Monet. If you wanted to save time, or you made a mistake by giving him a proverb, I'll say it. We, we, we try no, no to own things. Remember what Bart taught you about reading. And about projecting your voice loud enough so we can all hear. Boot, no, no.

Molyhales. Hells. Molyhales. We tripe note on no mountains, but no Molyhales. Beautiful. Very wise. Very wise. I think he just summoned Cthulhu. Is that good? Bart doesn't know, but he feels proud for some reason. Doesn't know why. Ha ha ha!

A fine proverb from the diary. And you? You got it. Here we go, Acolyte Monet. Two good talkers are not worth one good listener. Wise. Oh, strange. That came from the god Meta, who says that Gum-Gum and I talk over each other too much. I show Kyborg my thing, proverb.

Show him how good I did. We trip not on mountains, but on molehills. Yeah. Very good. No, no molehills. Important to remember. Great wisdom. Now you must proceed to make an offering to Dia in the alms chest. Oh, God. Acolyte Monet leads you to the alms chest. Don't you guys love church? Are we getting married? Is this what this is?

Nope, this is just church. You're led to a gold-inlaid elder pine chest, which is locked with a thin money slot. Can I have a privacy? No, I mean, the chest is out in the open. No, I just can't go with people watching. Well, there's no way... It's like...

attached to the floor to prevent theft. So there's really no way to move it to a private location. Okay. The entire congregation watches. Some of the congregation in the pews up front are watching you all as you proceed to the alms chest. What's the minimum? What's the cover at this nightclub? I don't think I can go with them watching, Cryboard. You just got to give an offering. You just give them some money. Oh, money. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Not to be confused with Monet, who is the acolyte. Very friendly tattooed lady over there. He's watching as you all stand in front of the alms chest, not giving any money so far. What's the minimum? How much? Oh, Daya only asks that you give from the heart what you can. Okay. I want to convert. Can I convert silver into copper? Is that something I can do? No.

Convert? No, you need to go to like a shop or like a money exchange or something. No. It's less about that I don't have the money. It's just that I wanted to do something with money. I guess I'll put in three gold. Is that a lot? Whoa. Good God. Wow. Is that a lot? Really religious. Acollette Monet says, thank you, my son. Your pure soul shines through. Thank you. I take out five pieces of silver and then I make it rain.

I just flip him, I go, "Yay!" And then into the thing. Very respectful in the church. Acolyte Monet is clearing her throat. You okay? I know that guy! Dr. Hung! Yeah! We go way back! Wow. You okay? I feel like there's some pond up in the front of the church if you need it.

Her eyes are kind of looking over at the alms chest. I'm going to flip one more gold coin in there. I'm going to flip one more gold coin in there. Okay, that's all I got. That's all I got. You're not getting any more. Okay.

I PUT IN ONE MORE GOLD COIN! Oh, thank you. Thank you, my child. Your kindness shows through to the all-benevolent goddess Dia. Oh, yeah. Least I could do. Yeah. No big deal. So stupid. Oh, don't worry. We're almost done. You're almost ready to proceed into the temple. The next steps should be very easy for folks like yourselves. Okay. What does that mean?

-Extrapping young men. -Next, you must either sing a song or offer a prayer to Daya. -Name's Daya? -Yes. If you choose to sing a song, it must be in the form of a haiku and you must sing it out loud. If you decide to make a prayer to Daya, it must be a quatrain with alternating rhymes of ABAB.

Haiku? I'm going to let you two think about that for a little bit, and we're going to smash cut back over to Team Bud in the Elder Pine Forest. Smash cut. Smash cut is also our alternative team name. Haiku are smashes. That's so accurate.

Bart and Mud, you were in the clearing and an alpha Sturge had just come out and swallowed Sordo. And he was surrounded by three regular sized Sturges who were laying prone, bowing down to him. And I am a dog. And you're a dog. And you came charging in to cost them. I guess try to scare them off. Yeah. So in your DM brain, am I...

committed to this charge while this Sturge is doing this or have I been given opportunity to alter course of my actions? I pictured you charged in and tried to like bark and scare them off but they didn't notice because they were busy starting to like bow down when the rumbling started. Yeah, I rolled a bad intimidation.

Right. So what do you guys want to do? I'd like to back up a little bit. Is what I'd like to do. So you're not charging anymore. What you thinking? Should we... Are we like... We're not in combat, right? Unless you want to be. No, I'm asking. We have not rolled for initiative. We have not rolled for initiative, no. All right, all right. I feel like... Should our main priority try to be saving Sordo? Yeah, I mean, we got to get Sordo out. So we probably need to...

I mean, I could try casting. Could I try casting a spell on big alpha boy? Yes. Well, what spell are you thinking of? I could try to make it sleep. Hey, let's use that classic. Yeah. Although it's big. It worked once before. It would probably take a high roll, right? What do you got? Like 5d8 is what you get to roll? I think so. Yeah.

All right. I guess we could just try it. We're not in combat. Yeah. I'm going to say that if you cast this, this will be almost like a surprise action, and then after this, you're going to roll initiative. Do you have any other ideas on how to resolve this without immediate fighting? I mean, I could try talking to him. I have good charisma. I can talk to animals, too. Because this Sturgis is what, an animal? Yeah. It looks like a cross between a large bat and an oversized mosquito. Oh, wait. Hold on.

I have comprehend languages, but I don't think that it counts for me speaking to them. I think it's just understanding. So let me get this clear. Mud can speak to animals and plants. And then if they can reply, Bart might be able to understand them. Yes. Perfect. Perfect. But I think it will cost me a spell slot to comprehend languages. You want to try to do this without combat?

Yeah. All right. I approach. I change out of my dog form. I'm not going to be. I'm going to be my cuteness, my furball self. And I approach. Hello. How are you doing today? More dinner? Are you hungry? Do you need some more food? I'd be happy to share a meal with you if you'd like. My name's Mud. And this is my companion, Bart. And we're here. Okay.

They're looking for some companionship to share some berries with. The other Sturges that were previously bowing down are no longer bowing down. They're up and flying around looking at you guys.

They seem to be deferring to the Alpha Sturge, waiting to see what it's going to do before they act. Okay, okay. Do you want to maybe try to convince him that Sordo is poisonous? Oh, yeah. If he doesn't let him go, he might die. I've noticed that you've taken a liking to our friend Sordo. He's the little chap that you just swallowed.

I'd highly recommend that you maybe reverse that action. Sword throw is made out of material that's not good for the digestion. I don't know if we could maybe interest you in some other food instead. But shiny yummy. Oh, I agree. Very, very shiny. But the yummy will end and will result in some no-no tum-tum time.

Yes. Yes. I got charisma. I got advantage on charisma.

From Bart's perspective, it just looks like Mud is talking to this, what is it, bird? Giant bird? Bat. Yeah, like a mosquito bat. Well, you know, how it's working out is I'm talking, it's then talking back, and you have to then translate to me. Well, no, it's speaking in a very broken car. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. Make a persuasion check. Well, we're at a... A 14. Is that right? That's 14, yeah. Okay. Tom Tom Bad Bad.

Right, I told ya. It's not going to end well. That guy coming out of you is not going to be a good time. What do? Oh, that's a good question, my friend. Bart, do you perhaps have anything to help the situation here? Ah, well, you know, Bart has some practice with the Heimlich maneuver. Right.

It's a very, very gentle procedure of extracting whatever it is you accidentally swallowed. This alpha sturge is about five feet tall. I don't remember how tall you are off the top of my head. Were you like four foot four? I'm four foot four, yeah. So it's eight inches taller than you, so it would be maybe a little difficult to try to heimlich it. I mean, I guess you'd give it a shot. You're kind of a beefy boy.

Yeah. I cast Guidance on Bart and give him a D4 to a rolled ability check. Oh, excellent. Excellent. Would this be Medicine? Yeah, let's try a Medicine check. Okay. Roll out. Oh, shoot. It's only a six.

So you go up and you try to give a Heimlich maneuver to this Alpha Sturge. He doesn't seem very happy about it. And you're not able to really get Sordo out. And he seems even less happy about that. No hit me. We should have had me do it. I have a plus five. I have a plus four. Plus four, okay. It would have been a ten total with your additional four. I'm guessing that still didn't work, right, Gus? No, that would still be too low. Okay.

Hurry, help. Oh, okay. Or maybe eat you. Oh, let's not do that. Wait a minute, hold on. I have a tool to fix a wheel slash multi-tool that I got in the first episode that I took from that guy who was helping us with the cart. Oh, yeah. Who is it? Bezler? Bezler? Yeah. Bezler? Is it possible to like reach down his throat with that tool to grab sort of? You're going to have to make like a...

a persuasion check because he's not going to be happy about you wanting to do that. Yeah, you can try to persuade him, but it's going to take a pretty hefty persuasion check to let him do that. Oh, man. What if? I would push for persuasion. Oh, yeah. It's up to you. I mean, I'm just telling you what you would have to do. I mean, I could try to persuade him, and if he says no, he says no, right? That's not like... Yeah. All right, so how are you going to do this? Are you going to pull out the tool and show it to him and offer to, like,

Pull it out? Yeah. This fine tool here should get that little guy right out of your belly. All you gotta do is open up. Open up wide. Try not to breathe. Go ahead and make a persuasion roll to see if you can persuade him. Goddammit. Okay. One. Okay. Should I use my inspiration die? It's up to you. What do you think, John? Oh, totally burn that.

Okay, I'm using my persuasion. I'm gonna try that again. Second roll persuasion. Seven. It's a seven. I am not rolling good today. This is a cursed episode. This entire episode is cursed.

No! Ouchie! Okay, what if we just try another version of the Heimlich maneuver but we go more of a frontal assault style and I'll go from the- I'll go- I'll hold from the back and then Bart will go from the front give a nice little tap to the tum tum we'll get him- we'll get Sorto right out of there with a group effort.

Yeah, if you do this, if you say, for example, in this scenario, if Bart is the one doing the Heimlich and you're in the front helping, you would basically give Bart advantage on her role since you're there assisting. Yeah. Sorry, you'd give Bart advantage on his role. Sorry, I get confused. Barbara is playing Bart. I'm playing a little boy. I guess Barbara's making the role for Bart, which makes it even more... Sorry. You're welcome, Gus. Yeah. Try to make it as confusing as possible. I think if we both help, we can get this figured out.

To complicate things a little bit, for some reason, you're starting to feel a little tired, Bart.

Oh, no. Not quite your full self. Maybe it's a... I don't know. You've had a long day. What role did I fail on? Is it from the glowing shrooms we passed before? It might be. It might be. We did some shrooms earlier, and it's just still got effects on us. Yeah, could we do this one-two punch kind of thing? Because Bart is tired, he now has disadvantage on ability checks. But if you assist, then...

then that would give him advantage, which means he descends to being a straight roll. Okay, it's not really helping a ton. What if instead I'm the one that's doing the Heimlich, but Bart's helping me?

- Yes, you could try that. Yeah, that would be fun. - Okay. - Let's do that. And I've also given myself a nice little pat on the butt. - Could I also give him Bardic Inspiration? As a bonus action, a creature other than myself within 60 feet can hear me. Gains an inspiration die, 1d6. For 10 minutes, you could add it to one ability check, attack roll, or saving throw. - Yeah, I'm not sure if that stacks with what Mud does. - What if we say it does?

Sure, why not? It stacks. Okay. It stacks. We're doing this. We're doing this. Okay, okay, okay. This is this one. I hope it'll forever be called the Bud Maneuver. The Bud Maneuver. So what am I rolling? A medicine? Yes. And I have advantage. Yes. And I have the two bonuses. Yes. You should be making this Alpha Sturge barf. I should. Let's roll. That is an eight. Oh my god. Plus...

The D6. You rolled a 3. I did. Oh my god. Plus the D6, which is 4. That's 12. You had advantage, so you gotta re-roll. Oh, I did have advantage. Roll another 20-sided die. Okay. I rolled a 2. Oh my god. So 8 plus 4 is 12, plus a D4, a 2, so I got a 14. That's still not enough. Oh.

It's pretty good. 14 is pretty good. It's pretty good. You start squeezing and constricting on the digestive tract of the alpha sturgeon. Maybe he's like also in his own head about wanting to, you know how that thing gets when you think you're going to feel a little sick.

I'll sweeten the deal for you guys. I also, while I'm doing it, I'm gonna burn a spell slot and cast Cure Wounds while I'm doing that so that he's feeling good while I'm curing him while it's happening. So he feels like he actually feels better now. Like he's got an HP back. Love that. Good, yeah. So I'm casting that. You got 11.

Oh, damn. Yeah, nice. All right, yeah. You start squeezing on him. He gets into his own head, but he's feeling better, and out pops Sordo, covered in oozy, slimy goop. Yuck. Thanks for getting me out of there. We did it.

First try. Sort of. Now fly. Fly, buddy, fly. Pipsqueak, do drop. I owe you one. He eyes the Alpha Sturge warily. Does the Alpha Sturge have a name? Do you have a name, my friend? Me, Levi. Oh, it was a pleasure to meet you, Levi. I hope you feel better now.

Sordo kind of whispers to you, quick, let's get the breezeberries right here and get out of here. Oh, Levi, would you mind if we took some of these berries to go? Only a few. Okay.

How about while Sordo and Mud are collecting the berries, I play a little ditty for them to distract them. Okay. So they don't really see how many we're taking. Yeah. Okay. You're going to do a performance? Oh, 27. Oh, it's a natural 20 plus seven. Yeah, the Sturges are not even looking at Mud and Sordo as they pick the breeze berries. Yes.

Yeah, you're able to get a sufficient amount. And Sordo says, looks like you got the hush thistle already. So let's make like a tree and leave. Oh, sweet. We definitely got the hush thistle. We definitely got the hush thistle. Lovely. Fantastic, Levi. You have a great rest of your day, my friend. Feel good. Yeah. All right, Sordo leads you guys out of the clearing and back out of this little area where you were.

Everyone want to thank you for listening to the show. We're not done yet, but I do want to remind you the best thing you do to try to help us out is to tell a friend or engage on social media about the show, tweet about it, wherever you use social media, talk about it there. That would try to help us spread the word. If you use hashtag stinky dragon pod, we might use your name in the show as an NPC in a future arc.

Just like Levi, the Alpha Sturge, who was Kalan Kwasage on social media, or the brief appearance by Parishioner Sheridan, who was Sheridan Green on Twitter. You can tell us maybe if you want, maybe like a simple magic item you'd like to use in the show. Maybe a few items that are going to show up that were suggested by Jason Elgar. And of course, you can also rate us on the podcast platform. Wherever you listen to this podcast, we

So far, we've had amazingly positive and glowing reviews of the show. Thank you so much. We'd love it if we get more. We're greedy that way. But again, thank you so much for all of the positive vibes, all the good engagement. And with that being said, let's go ahead and pay the bills. In a world full of secrets, two sleuths with an appetite for the unknown have come together to uncover the hidden truths of the internet. Join co-host Trevor Collins and Alfredo Diaz as they dive into the internet's most intriguing mysteries, conspiracies, and supernatural events.

Every week, our hosts will guide you through one of the numerous unsolved incidents and through what some would call expert analysis to try to figure out what's real and what's nothing more than a tall tale. Maybe they even investigate some creatures that you would hear about like in a mythical setting, like some kind of fantasy creature. Maybe they'll find a unicorn. Maybe they'll find a dragon. Unravel the mystery and connect the dots each week with Red Web, available Mondays on Rooster Teeth, YouTube, and any of your favorite podcasting apps. Meanwhile, back at the Temple of Dia...

Acolyte Monet is eager to hear what you have prepared for her. I would like to sing a song. Sing a song? Oh, the parishioners would love to hear that. Gum, gum is in church. Gum, gum likes to sing the song. Gum is in church. Go ahead and make me a performance check. That was a bop. Performance. Performance.

Twelve. Twelve. Oh, the parishioners, they seem to be nodding to each other and smiling at you. They seem to like it. Acklat Mone says, very good, Gum Gum. Did you come up with that all by yourself? Yeah. That's excellent. You've done such a great job today. We're all so proud of you. Thank you. Kyborg, do you have something you'd like to offer to Daya? Oh, yeah. Just putting on the finishing touches. Let me review this real quick.

What would you like to offer to Dia? A song or a prayer? A song. It doesn't really fit your format, but it is for Dia. Holy Dia! You've been down too long in the midnight sea. Oh, what's become of me? I'm looking around and no one's getting the joke. No one's into it. Okay, all right. This is a prayer that I made. Prayer...

There once was a man named Brink. He jumped into a cold pond. The water made his privates shrink, and off came his fleshy wand. Um... Make a persuasion check. Alright, here we go. This is a church, my dude. Yeah, I know, but I hate Brink Tussler. It was also supposed to be a prayer to Dia. Yeah.

That's a solid seven. Yeah, uh, no. The, uh, the parishioners are very unhappy. They seem to be really, really upset. They're getting impatient with you. I got one more. I got one more. I got one more. It's not so much a prayer. It's more of a confession. There once was a boy named Gum Gum. He wanted a pogo stick, but his friend Kyborg was a dum-dum. He lost the toy, and now he feels like a dick.

Make a persuasion check. Persuasion check coming up. And yeet. It's a native one. Wow. The parishioners are actively booing now. There's a couple who are actually walking out of the church. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I can't. Let's see. Gum Gum just starts singing again. Gum Gum is in the church.

Gum Gum likes to sing the song. Gum Gum is in church. The person who we're leaving, stop and turn around and look. Gum Gum is in church. That's my favorite song. Gum Gum likes to sing the song. Gum Gum is in church. This is your fault, Kyborg.

I think he's doing better than Kyborg. Yeah, he is. The personers, some of the more concerned ones, step up and ask if you'd like some help, Kyborg. No, I'm good. I'm good. I got this. I'm two lines away from completing this really sick haiku. You're two lines away from completing a haiku, sir? You're one line in? Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

Okay, this is a haiku. All right. It's really good. I've been sitting on this one for a while. Five, seven, five. And one, two, three. Once there was a mud. He liked to eat lots of crud. And now he stinks bad. Nailed it. All right. Go ahead and make a performance check. Okay, here we go. Performance. And bada bing.

17. I nailed it. I nailed it. You did it. The personers look around to each other and nod and kind of shrug. You get a smattering of applause. Thank you. Thank you. Where am I? Where is this place called? The Temple of Daya. No, like what's the city? Boulderay. Thank you, Boulderay. Good night. Acolyte Monet says, well, that was certainly colorful. You have one step left. Oh, my God. You must demonstrate humility at the altar.

You must perform gestures in the correct order. The gestures are, in no particular order, kissing the Celestial Crown, drinking from the Sacred Chalice, swearing allegiance to Dia with your right hand on the diary, and bowing for the altar. Kissing, drinking, what was the other one? Kissing, drinking, swearing, and bowing. Okay, well, I'll go first because I am the most humble.

I pride myself in my humility. I am incredibly humble. I think GumGum can attest. That's what you're known for? Yeah. Yep. Yeah. Yeah, he's humble. All right. So what order do you want to try to do these in? I want to drink. No, swear.

So the first thing you're going to do is you're going to put your right hand on the diary and swear allegiance to Daya. Oh, it's very specific. I was just going to say a bad curse word. But yes, I will do that. Go ahead and make a constitution saving throw. Constitution saving throw. I think I messed something up here. And it's a 14. Monet just shakes her head at you. Okay. Okay.

I kiss. You want to kiss the celestial crown? Kiss the celestial crown. Go ahead and make a constitution saving throw. Okay. Assuming I goofed up. That's an 11. Acolyte Monet shakes her head. Gum Gum, you want to give it a go? Yeah. I want to drink the water. Drink from the sacred chalice. Go ahead and roll a constitution saving throw.

Okay. Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug. 14. She shakes her head. No, no. Kiss the crown. Wait, you said that. Kiss the crown. Okay, you want to kiss the crown? Go ahead and roll a constitution save. 12. Acklite Monet looks very disappointed. No, no. Okay.

Try bowing. We haven't done bowing yet. I'll bow. I'll bow. You guys are so bad at church. I bow so low that I fall over and hit my forehead on the thing. Look at him. Look at the humility. Look at how he bows. Okay. Oh, Acklat Monace seems pleased with your bow.

And now I drink from the sacred chalice. How big is the sacred chalice? You're kind of big. You could hold it with one hand, but it's kind of... Can I stick my whole head in it? Upside down? No, it's not that big. Most people would have to hold it with both hands, but it's not big enough for your head. Okay. Go ahead and roll a constitution saving throw. Okay. I drink a lot.

I rolled a 23. Oh. Joe. Joe. When's the last time we had a roll that went over the 20s? Oh, Bart's performance. Aclite Monet shakes her head. One of the parishioners pops up and walks up to you, Gum Gum, and says, Excuse me, sir. I might introduce myself. My name is Sheridan. If you'd like, I can help guide you through this process. Okay. We don't need your help. We don't need it.

I know what it is. Get you and your hotels out of here. All right? I bow. Okay. Oh, Acklat Monet seems happy with that. Okay. I kiss. Oh, you kiss the Celestial Crown? Oh, yeah. She's nodding. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I swear.

Ooh, swearing allegiance with your right hand on the diary. Nice, nice. Yeah, yeah. You like that? Then a drink. This is like that meme of Vince McMahon. Yo, yeah. Oh, very good. You hear murmurs of approval from the congregation. Woo! Humility! Okay, then I do the same. What was the order again?

I bow and I hit my head again. And then I kiss. And then I swear and then I drink. Ooh, oh yeah. Everyone's very, very happy. Sheridan particularly. You did it, Gum Gum. Sheridan seems very...

very happy with you. Thank you. Less happy with that. Gum gum is... No, no, no. One more time. The whole congregation joins in this time. It's a new prayer song. Yeah. Acolyte Monet says, you've demonstrated humility and respect for the temple, so you're free to wander about the temple at your discretion as you wish. And steal the thing you're looking for.

I look at the organs to see if the rebreather is a part of that. I have a hunch. Make a perception check. Here we go. And boom. That's a 10. Dang.

You don't notice an in breather. You do see that there is a tiefling also in a rainbow robe seated at the organ playing it. He's bald with a black ponytail. He's got gray skin. Looks like several piercings on his ears, eyebrows, nose and lips. Play it again, Sam. Doesn't exist in D&D.

Okay, can we kind of look around and see if I see the thing that we're looking for? Go ahead and make an investigation check. Five. Five. You don't notice anything out of the ordinary, like what you're looking for necessarily here. Can I ask one of the, is there that one lady who the... Acolyte Monet? Acolyte Monet. Can I ask her if she's still around?

Yeah, I mean, she's like milling about doing various tasks. Miss Monet? Yes, Gum Gum? Someone I know is hurt and they need to breathe better. Do you have a breathy thing? Breathy thing? I can't say that I do. I'm not sure what that would be, but no, I don't have anything like that. It's like L-shaped, like a shape of an L on her forehead.

Can't say I've seen anything like that. You might want to ask Pastor Ocean over there at the organ. Maybe he knows of something like that? Okay. I think I'll ask Pastor Oregon. Pastor Ocean. Ocean. You walk up to him, and he's seated at the organ. Ah, new faces. Welcome to the temple. You know the one. You know the one. Charge! Charge!

Mr. Ocean? Yes, my child? Someone I know is sick and they can't breathe. Do you have a breathy thing? Oh no, illness. Yeah. Such a terrible thing. Is this something only we can assist with? Or is this something only this specific item you are searching for can help with? It's the only thing that can help. Who is your friend that is sick? Is there something we can maybe do? Who is our friend that's sick?

I think it's the leave. It's the leave. Oh, I know her. Marcy. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yes. She used to spend quite a bit of time here at the temple. I haven't seen her in a long time. She's ill, though. Yeah, she's sick. Oh, how terrible. Where would she go to the temple? Oh, Marcy grew up in Bauderay and became a devout diocese at a young age.

When she became an adult, she requested to be an acolyte in the temple and served faithfully. After the boulder-ray mining accident and the loss of her husband, she changed dramatically. Perhaps she lost her faith in Dia, but she came to the temple less and less. One day she came back to visit, and she had a sudden interest in the sacred magical arts, both divination and necromancy. I know magic.

Oh, you know magic too? I do. We practice more of the divine variety. I assume you practice the arcane? Yes. Hmm, that is fine in its own right, but we like to practice magics provided by Dia. Okay, so where's this breathy thing? Once the conversation was over, she dropped a pack at my feet and left. Oh. It had some of her stuff in it, robes and other things. Maybe it's in there.

That was the last time I saw her. Didn't hear from her again until, well, about now. Oh, can we see her pack? Where's the pack? Maybe her thingy is in it. I kept the pack, but I don't remember where I placed it. All I remember is that I kept it in the temple just in case she ever came back and had a change of heart. Yeah. I have an idea. I have an idea. I have an idea. What's your idea? I pull out my crowbar and I say, Dia!

Please bless this crowbar to help me find the pack. And then I close my eyes and I let the crowbar guide me. Like Indigo Montoya from Princess Bride. Exactly like that. Or like whatever you call those rods. Divining rod. Divination. Okay. Make an investigation check. Investigation guide. There we go. The most investigative. Negative one. Three. Pretty good.

You don't hear any holy spirits speaking to you, and the crowbar just seems to be heavy metal in your hands. I start waving it around and hitting things, though, hoping I'll continue to find it. You start hitting things? Oh, no. You know, like, not like people, but, you know, I might start bumping into it. Like the altar and the organ?

You gotta be very specific about what you're doing when you're waiting. What are you doing? I'm just trying to use the crowbar to guide me. I try again. I say, oh, holy dia. Use this crowbar to guide me to the rebreather, breather, pro-breather, inhaler. Make a constitution check. Constitution check.

That's a 20. That's a 20. Look at you. Pastor Ocean seems to be furrowing his brow at you, pondering what it is exactly that you're doing. My eyes are closed. I can't see this. I go and hug Kyborg real tight so he can't move. Where did you put the... Where could the pack be? Do you think you might know? Where was it? It was somewhere here. I just can't remember. The crowbar!

Follow it! Go ahead and make an investigation check. Oh, 14. That's pretty good with a minus 3. 11, because he's carrying me, so I'm assuming I'm there as well. Gum-Gum, you notice that there's alcoves here in the temple with stone statues that look like they'd be a good place to hide something. Like, alcoves in the stone statues, like, on the edges, or...? Yeah, like, all around. There's, like, four of them placed around the temple. Okay, Kaepo.

Open your eyes. Why did you have me facing your face? You're so close to my face. Look up there. There's statues and there's stuff in them. Let's climb it. Alcoves. Yes. How tall are these things? They're pretty sizable. They've got like plants behind them. Let's say like 15 feet or so. Okay.

Oh, here, Gum Gum. I'll get on your shoulders. All right. I'm seven. And then I'm 5'10". Okay, so that's... So then you jump and I jump at the same time. Okay. All right. I've done this in Half-Life. Gum Gum, make a perception check. That's a one. All right, let's do this. Make one more.

That's a four. All right, let's do this. Let's go. How many things are negative on your character sheet, my dude? So maybe you get a rope. You get rope and then get on my shoulders and then I'll jump and then you jump and you use the rope to pull up.

But I didn't get what I was. What do I attach the rope to? How about I get on your stout and then you do a cheerleading maneuver where you lift me with your hands because you're very strong. I'll throw you. Okay. All right. Here we go. So I put them on my shoulder. Which one do you want to go to? Like I said, there's four. There's one in the northwest corner, the northeast corner, southwest. They all look the same. Airlines. They all look the same. Okay. We'll go southwest.

Okay. I put him on my shoulder, and I'm going to lift him up with my arms and then jump. And we're going to both be saying, hep hep, the whole time. Hep hep hep. So with my arms raised, that's like 10 feet high. Yeah, and I could do a pull-up. I could do pull-ups all day. That wasn't in character. That was me. That was Blaine medicating. Did I just do, like, athletics or something? Yeah, as you get in front of that statue there at the southwest corner, gum gum, you feel a surge of radiance in your heart, almost as if, like, a...

A holy power is filling your body. You having a heart attack? Why are you clutching your chest? There's almost like a holy light shining in through the stained glass windows, illuminating the statue in the northwest corner of the temple. The northwest. And then I carry Guyborg over to the northwest. All right. Both of you make a perception check. That's a three. That's a four.

Okay. All right. You're going to do this cheerleader Papa thing. Yeah. Put Guy Borg up in the air. All right. Yeah. Both of you, I guess, make an athletics check. Up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up. 14. Up, up. Up, up, up, up. All right. Go.

Gum, Gum, you easily managed to lift Pop Kyborg up in the air. He gets a little bit of air, actually. You toss him up so strongly. Because I jump. I jump and throw him up. Yeah. While he's at the height of his time in the air, Kyborg, do you think you notice a pack behind the plants that are behind the statue here in the alcove? That I want to grab onto the ledge. Grab onto the ledge. Okay, well, I mean, the statue's on the ground. It's like an alcove. It's carved out into the side, into the wall of the temple. The statue is 15 feet tall.

But the pack itself is on the ground behind the statue? Yes, behind the plants that are behind the statue. Got it. Okay. Then I want to pull out a land. Gracefully, might I add. In my arms. No, stick the landing like a beautiful gymnast. I don't know. I think if you're the one falling, he's the one who decides where you fall. All right, fine. I landed in his arms. Here you go. And then I set him down. And then I do my hands up in the air like I just landed it perfectly. Okay.

And then I, uh, is it within arm's reach? Yeah, you can walk around behind the statue and kind of poke through the plants and get the pack if you want to. Jesus Christ, I didn't do that from the beginning. Alright, yeah, yeah, yeah. Gum Gum? Yeah? Watch me disappear. I go behind the statue. I grab the pack. Where'd you go? I come back and I say, I got it. What's in it? I'm just, uh, you open it. Okay.

Okay, GumGum opens it. Inside, there's like a copy of the diary, a tattered rainbow robe, and an L-shaped metal device. Wow. You have found a leaves-in breather. Congratulations. Before I leave, I say, hey, Monet, catch you later. Then I do a backflip. Roll that athletics check. There we go. 15. Oh, yeah, you stick it. And then I go, I'll see you on the flip side. And then I do a backflip.

18. I'm just following Kaibor. Kaibor does it, so I do. Yeah. Oh, I wanted to see that robe that I found. Is there anything? Can I investigate it and see if there's anything magical with it? Sure. Just roll a perception check, first of all, and then an arcana check. Okay. Ooh. 19. That's a nat 20. Wow. On the perception. Yeah. And then arcana. Arcana.

These are both... Oh my god! That's a 15. That's with a minus 3. It doesn't stand out as being anything particularly magical to you, but you did notice it's the same kind of robe that Monet and Ocean were both wearing. Just this one looks a little older and more in disrepair. Okay, can I put it on? Sure. I'm gonna wear it. It's a little small for you. You're kind of big. Okay. So there's the robe, and then the breathy thing, and then what else? A copy of the diary. It's the holy book for the temple.

Okay, so it's just a book that we read. Can I open it and see if there's anything noteworthy in it? Yeah. Long ago, an ancient deity named Serendaya entered the material plane and saw the chaos of the world tearing itself apart. She stepped into the disarray and was able to bring peace and harmony to all the lands. She used her celestial power to bring all the lands together as one, and she called it Faiza. The people of Faiza called her Queen Daya and built temples all throughout the lands of Faiza in her honor.

It is said that she roams the lands from time to time, visiting the temples and dwelling with the people there. We look forward to her visiting us. Very profound. What's that mean? With that, everyone hastily makes their way back to the Infinite's headquarters. You meet up at the same time and you all descend the stairs to Dr. Ahem's lab. The door is open and inside you find Dr. Ahem sitting next to a leaf, holding her hand as she lies on a cot, coughing hysterically.

She seems to be mobile now, but still having trouble breathing, and her face looks to be turning blue. Dr. Ahem spots you as you approach the lab and asks, Did you find the plants in the in-breather? Yeah, I think she's calling your name. She just keeps saying, Ahem, a bunch. We found the plants. Mission accomplished.

Then there's no time to lose. Arden, Dant, you know what to do. Immediately, the two automatons retrieve the items you've collected and work in tandem with Dr. Ahem as he grinds up the plants with a pestle and mortar. He places the mixture in the in-breather and quickly administers it into Aleve's mouth. Aleve's eyes shut and she falls limp into the cot motionless. Suddenly, her eyes pop open, she jerks upright, takes in a painfully deep breath.

She takes in a few more gasps of air and then eventually returns to steady breathing. Marcy, are you okay? Do you need anything? Aleve grabs Dr. M's arm, looks him dead in the eye, and says in a wheezy voice, She's on the move. Who is Marcy? Paralite. Paralite? Where, Marcy? Where is she going to next? Urbloom. Urbloom? What does she want in Urbloom? Don't know.

Very well. Thank you, Marcy. You've been a great help. But now it's time for you to rest. We can talk more later. Atten and Dent help Aleve get comfortable with pillows and blankets. Doctor fiddles with his eye loop for a moment, looks up at you all and says, Well, looks like you have your next mission. It would appear there's not going to be much time for briefing or preparations, but Sorto can help you figure all that out once you get there. To Erbloom, that is.

It's an innovative and groundbreaking city in countless ways, so it's anyone's guess as to what Paralite is doing there. Just stick together, find out what Paralite is up to, and help the city in any way you can. Before you go, you will need to stock up for this mission. Just keep in mind it's unclear how long you will be there, so don't pack lightly.

Head over to Coupon Pawn just down the road. It's a general store and pawn shop that should have everything you might need for the mission. Oh, and here are your earnings from your last mission. And Dr. Ahem hands you all your internship stipend. It's probably best you get going. Cue the shopping montage.

Shopping time. How much money is that? It's 500 gold pieces. Oh, my. Yeah. We each get 500? Yeah. Per person, yeah. Oh, my goodness. It's a paid internship. Yeah. So you all head back down to the main row of Sordo and immediately spot a store with a gaudy sign outlined with flashing letters, Coupon Pawn. You walk through the front door and hear a bell ring overhead. Rows and rows of disorganized shelves line the store filled with a hodgepodge of merchandise.

In the back, you spot someone behind the counter with their back to you. You hear them say, Welcome to Coupon Pond. Boy, oh boy, have we got a deal for... A goblin turns around with a mustache smile. He adjusts his tan, musy cap and then puts his hands in the pockets of his suede apron. For you, beautiful customers, bellissimo. Oh, God.

Where did Gus go and where did this beautiful character come from? This beautiful Italian man. It's me, Angelo. Mario? Did he just change his accent when he saw us? Me? I have no accent. You have the accent. That's John talking. Mote sounds a little different. Oh, yeah.

I just- that was John just going like, "Did this character just change into Italian as it saw us for some reason? Did we trigger Italian?" Italian? No, I'm from Charlitalia. Oh. Charlitalia. Hey man, I'll take two slices of pepperoni, some garlic knots, uh... Bud, do you want anything?

Yes, I, uh, um, uh, love, love, uh... Mud pie, three mud pies, uh... Yep. Extra mud. Uh, what can I help you with? What, uh, what is that rod? The winner of starting conversations. Oh, this, this is a immovable rod. A flat iron rod has a button on one end. You can use an action to press the button, which causes the rod to become magically fixed in place.

Until you or another creature uses an action to push the button again, the rod does not move, even if it's defying gravity. The rod can hold up to 8,000 pounds of weight. More weight causes the rod to deactivate and fall. The creature can use an action to make a DC 30 strength check, moving the fixed rod up to 10 feet on success. Which I took that as like you'd have to roll 30 strength to like kind of do like a...

Like raising the bar higher? Like kind of pumping yourself up in this? Or just move it. Like once it's active, no matter where it is, if it's stuck in place, then you can try the strength check to move it. But you could always hit the button to deactivate it and then reactivate it. Okay. Like trap something underneath it or something. Yeah. Gotcha.

You like? Good deal. 100 gold piece. And it move... I can move it. I want it. For you, good deal. 110 gold piece. What? No. No. I like this guy. Can I pay less? Okay, okay. 100 gold. Oh, he gave you a deal.

880, please? No, I need the money to save my family. 100. I'll get it to you for 105. Oh, even more money for my family. I need it for important business. The little kids, they need to eat. You take the money from my kids.

Let me think I wanted 105 105 I'll do it for 105 Okay That's that's not did you say how to you it's still not enough hey yeah gum gum you you want you want to go up instead of down to haggle with a kyborg here, but I asked 101

How many rods do you have? How many rods?

Oh, just this one. It's a very unique item. At this point, Chris is combating with his desire to retain the character of Gum-Gum, but also his haggling nature of Chris that really wanting this immovable rod. Extreme couponing. He can't tell if he should actually haggle for the rod or stay in character. It's great to watch. Also, I want to call out the three other people who are interested in this product. Yeah.

Three other people? Me, John, and Chris.

Yeah, I was down for it as well. I think we do a bidding war. I think we do a bidding war. 110. Why are you going up? Currently, Kaiborg is the top bidder. That's not how it works. Your current starting bid is 105 under Kaiborg. I know. And now who's next? 110? I just hand over 101 gold. 110 over here, bud. 110. I don't know. Your friend has more money. Uh...

K-Kyborg, no. Could you just reach to the stream and kill me? Please? You needed to talk to your friends. K-Kyborg, I will share the rod. Ew. I tell you what, if you all want to try to like haggle amongst each other, you all can maybe roll persuasion checks against each other to see who comes out the highest. How about this? Hey, I pull Gum Gum to the side and say, hey.

I'll let you buy the rod if you give me 50 gold pieces. That's all I ask. That's all I want. I love it so much. 50 gold pieces. Yeah. That's cheaper than 100. I just need 50 gold pieces, then you can spend the 100 gold pieces. Otherwise, I'll just keep... We'll just keep bidding for this thing. I'll take it up to 300. I don't care. Okay, but I'm going to have to loan you.

I don't know what that means, but 50 gold pieces. I'm going to take 50 gold pieces from you, okay? No. Okay. 115. 115 gold pieces. If you want to keep haggling, maybe roll a persuasion check. I already did. Yeah, I see GumGum did. Okay. GumGum got a 14, by the way, for our audio listeners. That's a 10. Kyborg's got a 10. You have a negative two persuasion. Yeah, I sure do.

That sucks. I don't know what the persuasion check was for. It was to convince each other to not drive up the price unnecessarily. To convince Angela who we should give the rod to. I didn't see a check from Mud, though. Oh. I mean, I wasn't haggling, but why not? No! No! I got a nat 20. I got a nat 20. You set the price.

Oh, your big friend. Here, get the rod. 100 gold. Oh, lovely. I wanted it, actually. Thank you so much. I called it. I called it immediately.

Angelo hands you the immovable rod mud and uh Thank you my good sir. Here's your gold. John do not do this to me! The good thing is we're all on the same team. I love that it finally broke Chris. He's out of character. I wanted- Please John! What if, what if we just think of it as I'm holding it on for onto it for you? That's a great idea. Yeah.

Who else want to get ripped off? Oh, me, me, me! Make a sale, make a trade. I'm not speaking to Mutt ever again! Alright, I will take one long bow of triumph, please. It's when you land a killing blow on an enemy, you gain 10 temporary HP. Ooh. HP.

Fine quality. 350 gold piece. You got it. Grazie, grazie. Cha-ching. I thought for sure that gum gum was going to step in the way. Now, it's 350 gold. He ain't going to do that. Bart's ready to place an order here. Go, Bart. Ah, yes. You little friend. Yes, hello. You're about my size. Ah, my fine attention.

friend or something. Charitalia. There you go. I would love to take one ring of truth telling, which while wearing this ring, you have an advantage on wisdom slash insight checks to determine whether someone is lying to you.

It's 250 gold keys. Ah, fine equality. Thank you very much. Grazie, grazie. There's something special about the halfling taking the ring. What about you, friend? You look so sad. He's looking at you, Gum-Gum. I want the... I want the... Use your English words. But how much for your rod?

500 gold. I'll happily hand it over for 500 gold. Tell you what, 450. The other guy was cheaper. He was, he was, but unfortunately it's now under the ownership of Mudd. I'd like to buy some other stuff, possibly. Yeah, cool. I would also love to buy...

The instrument of illusions. I love my illusions. While you are playing this musical instrument, you can create harmless, illusionary visual effects within a five-foot radius sphere centered on the instrument. But if you are a bard, which I am, if you didn't notice, the radius increases to 15 feet. Sample visual effects include luminous musical notes, a spectral dancer, butterflies, a gentle falling snow. The magical effects have...

Neither substance nor sound and they are obviously illusionary. The effects end when you stop playing. Don't you already have an illusionary spell?

I do. You just like to make a loose. Why doesn't Mudd just pick every item for everyone? No, I don't want it. I was actually just trying to bring up if Bart wanted to save their money for something that was... Oh, now suddenly Mudd cares about his friends.

Instrument of illusion. 150 gold pieces. That was just 100. No, 150. Well, the document you guys gave us beforehand is incorrect. You buy a more, you pay a more. What? It's a volume pricing. Good deal.

I get the staff of flower. It makes flowers. Oh, look, it's like a rod made of wood. Yeah. So the staff has 10 charges. You can use an action to expend one charge from the staff and you cause a flower to sprout from a patch of earth or soil within five feet of you. Unless you choose a specific kind of flower, the staff creates a mild scented daisy. Flower is harmless and non-magical. It grows or withers as a normal flower would. Regains 1d6 plus four charges daily at dawn. I've

If you expend the last charge, you roll a d20 on the one. The staff turns into flower petals and is lost forever. Very useful magical item there. Very useful. For you, 250 gold piece. Can I dance to try and bring the price down? Sure. Let's call it a performance check. Seven on your dance. Now try a persuasion check as well. That's a 10. 10. What kind of dance do you want to do? I wanted to do the worm dance.

Okay. Do you warn anyone or do you just like get down and start doing the worm? I just get down and do the worm. I'll use my inspiration dice if I need to. I could do that.

Which one do you want to use it for? Probably, I guess, the performance, huh? Okay, you can go ahead and remove that inspiration die from your character sheet and re-roll that performance check. Ten? That's better. So ten persuasion, ten performance. I mean, I guess you pull off maybe like a passable worm. It's not great or anything, but I mean, you do it. Gum-Gum drops to the floor, begins thrashing about. Everyone has to be careful not to get hit by a stray limb. Ah, it's a good dance.

250 gold piece. Deal. Sir, is there any way that you give my little friend here that musical instrument for the asking price of 100 gold? No, all the sales are final. No, I was talking about, wait, did Bart buy the instrument? I did. And I still have 100 gold pieces left, I believe.

Got something else you want to burn that hundred on? Yeah, I do, actually. Two potions of healing, sir. That's very practical. Two potions of healing. 125 gold. Y'all really need to have put the proper prices on this thing that I could have planned accordingly. Methinks Gus was prepared to just do this randomly. All right, one potion of healing, you dick. 60 gold. 60 gold. All right, cool.

I'm keeping the 40 for myself then. I'd love to buy the Dwarven Stone of Bread. It lets the user create darkness in the form of smoke and the smell of freshly baked bread. One use per long rest. Oh, quality item. 100 gold. Lovely. Here's your 100 gold. Thank you for my rock. Bart, can you do me a favor? Can you roll me an insight check? Sure can, but I both beep.

17. You realize the color of Angela's mustache doesn't quite match the hair under his cap. Wait a second. Hey guys, I think someone's been using just for men.

Just for goblins. Hey, quick team huddle. Something's off about this guy. I noticed that his mustache does not match the color of the hair coming out of his hat. All on my own. The carpet does not match drapes. Exactly. Has he handed over these items as we've bought them? Like I said, all sales are final. Right. Do you want to see if there's something going on?

Do you want me to kill him? Yeah. Hey. No, we're not going to go that far. We can steal all his things if we just kill him. Let's not do that, okay? We should probably question him, if anything. Right. Do you want to talk to him, Bart? Yeah. Sir, I couldn't help but notice something seems very off about you. What's your name? Angelo. I'm currently wearing the ring of truth telling. Okay.

So I'm going to go ahead and try to determine if he's telling me the truth or not. So you want to make an insight check and you have advantage on it. Yes. 25. Oh, 25. Dang. Nothing's getting past her. Him. Bart. Me, Barbara. I do the same thing all the time. Yeah, you're not sure. You're not sure if he's being totally forthright with you.

Wouldn't I know for a fact with this ring? You determine whether or not someone's lying to you. Yeah, and you don't think he's being forthright. So he's lying. He's saying, yeah, he's lying. He's lying. You think maybe he's like, he's like got a little bit of sweat on his brow.

Sir, how long have you been running this establishment? Not very long. Just come from Charlotte, Italy after the war. I only have 30 days to come up with the money to free my family. What?

Is that a real war? Oh, terrible war. Tell me every member of your family by name. If you're curious if that's a real war or not, you could roll a history check. Sure. Never rolled that in D&D ever. History check.

Let me just blow off my history button. That's a seven. Yeah, you're not sure. You're not familiar with Charlatalia history. That tracks for mud. And you say his name is Angelo. Can I look around the shop for anything that seems amiss? Like any mess somewhere or...

Like a picture of someone else who should be running the shop. Yeah, I guess what was that? Like an investigation check? Sure. Oh, man. What about a perception check? Yeah, you could maybe roll a perception check if you want. Oh, that's so much better.

That's a 22. I mean, you look around the shop, nothing seems extraordinarily out of the ordinary. There is a very large inventory here at the Coupon Pawn. You notice that there is a very prominently placed tip cup on one of the display cases. You notice behind the display cases on some of the shelves, a small jar that says mustache glue.

Has everybody bought everything yet? I want to whisper to the group. I'm just going to go for it. If Mutt sees that, can I reach out and just grab that mustache? Oh, I could sleight of hand it. Go ahead. Go ahead. I am a large man grabbing a very small goblin's mustache. Maybe like a wrench touch attack or something? Tell him you got his nose. Well... It works on gum gum every time. Like an unarmed strike? Sure. That's aggressive.

We're just using that to see if he touches him, not that he's actually hitting him. 19. 19, wow. You reach out and you get a very firm hold on the mustache and you yank it. Oh, my mustache. Oh, my mustache.

Why you do this? It hurts. He's got his hands covering his face where his mustache was. Why would you... See, Mud is bullying again. I'm sorry. My friend is mean. My mustache. Give it back. No, there is no crime worse than someone wearing a fake mustache. GubGum wants to grab the mustache from Mud. My family, goblin pattern baldness. Sir, just what's going on? Can...

Gum, grab the mustache from Bud. I mean, that's between you guys, but Angelo kind of sighs and takes his cap off. All right, you got me, okay? It's me, Besler. Besler. Knew it all along.

Bezler, you son of a gun. I'm just trying to run a shop here and not cause any trouble. But you guys once again are back. Are you going to rob me again? We robbed you before. That's a nice multi-tool you got there, Bart. I don't know what you're talking about. Bart starts playing his newly acquired instrument of illusions to create some butterflies around Bezler to distract him.

Bart's getting good use out of his purchases. All right. Very good. Very good. Look, you want to buy anything else or you're ready to get out of here and quit wasting my time? Yeah. Does Gum Gum want something? Well, yeah. You know what Gum Gum wants, but...

Can I get the jumpy ring that makes you jump? Also, there's the ring of jumping. While wearing this ring, you can cast the jump spell from it as a bonus action. It will, but it can target only yourself when you do so. Yeah, yeah. 250 gold. Thank you. I tell you what. You give me my multi-tool back, and I'll give you back the extra gold I charged for all those items. You know what? Oh. Hmm.

You know, I think that's a fine deal. All right, you hand him back his multi-tool, and you can refund the extra money that he was upcharging you for items. Hey, uh, Bezler, I think it's buy one, get one free on rings today, so I'll take the ring of warmth for free, please. Oh, here we go. Robbing poor Bezler again. Bezler's never done nothing. Helped you fix your wagon, but you're gonna screw over poor Bezler. If I help you grow a mustache, can...

Can you give a discount? This guy with the discounts. No, there's no discounts. I'll give you $100 for the Ring of Worms. Oh, my God. Robin, poor Besla Blind again. $250. $110. $250. $120. $260. $130. $270. $270.

Yeah, I was really good at this. 160 final offer. Can I do a persuasion check? Yeah, sure. Make a persuasion check. It's not going to work. It's a three. What does that give me? 280. Could you finish up this transaction so I can buy my last item, please? No, it's done. I'm so sorry. I've wasted everyone's time here. All right.

All right. The last thing that I'd like is I'd love to get the Wand of Secrets, if that's okay. All right. For you, 250. Actually, could I get the Wand of Secrets plus can I get one bottled breath, which would allow me to breathe underwater? And just to clarify, the Wand of Secrets has three charges. You can use an action to expend one charge, and if a secret door or trapdoor is within 30 feet of you, the wand pulses and points at the one nearest to you.

Regains 1d3 charges daily at dawn. Yeah. And then what was the other thing you said? Bottled breath. Bottled breath. Bottled breath. Ball contains the breath of elemental air. If you exhale the breath, you gain. Oh, so you inhale it. Yeah. It lets me breathe underwater for about an hour. Okay. But you can also exhale, create a gust of wind. A gust of wind. Can I get both of those? Yeah. You got the money. I'm all out of money now. Anybody else? Anybody else want to try to rip off poor Bezler? Why were you trying to hide your identity from us, Bezler? Are you ashamed of yourself?

Was it because of us? It's because it's you guys. I didn't want you coming in here thinking you could rip me off again. Or was it because Gus wanted to do a funny Italian accent? I think it's the former Barbara. I think Gus never wants to do funny accents. I think Micah wants to hear Gus do funny accents sometimes.

Could I get one more potion of healing then? Now that I have 50 gold. Alright, alright. I'll do a potion of healing as well if you don't mind. Alright, alright. 50 gold. We're buying your stuff. You sound so sad. Yeah. We're supporting small businesses. He's a little sore about it. Just for clarification so everyone knows. Healing potion lets you regain 2d4 plus 2 hit points.

Can I give him back his shirt? Oh, that's right. You do have a shirt, don't you? Oh, yeah, yeah. He would appreciate that. I'm sorry I took your shirt. You're not going to get that rod, Gum Gum, no matter what you do. Oh, you stretched it all out. I know. I'm sorry.

It's like a blanket for him now. At this point, Sordo chimes in to remind you. Don't forget, you shopaholics. It's mission time. Let's get over to the Emers Gateway and head off to Urbloom. Let's do it. Yeah. He jumps into the air.

And freezes for just a second. Just a second. Mud jumps into the air and then hits the immovable rod button and does freeze in the air. Gum Gum throws his shackles at Mud. He just got a shackle. That's what he has in his inventory and that's what he's throwing at Mud. Okay.

If there's anything that makes D&D really fun is when one person's mad at another person. Yeah. So Sordo leads you all over to the Immerse Gateway, and once again, the front door unlocks for you. You step into the dim, circular stone room, and the cool, moist air gives you a little shiver. Sordo hovers toward the stone archway, its glyphs glowing teal, and says, Erbloom.

The murky gateway ripples to reveal a blurry city covered in what looks to be flowers. It's much better than the desert city that we just got out of. So who's going to do a barrel roll first or backflip or how are we all going through? You know us too well. Yeah. My money's on kyborg. Yeah. Today I want to do a no more than five, no less than eight somersaults.

That's not how math works. What does that mean? No more than five? No less than eight? No more than eight. No less than four somersaults, please. Wow. You just created an impossible number before. No more than eight. No less than four. So five, six or seven? Yes. Okay. Go ahead. And let me roll here. One sec. Cardboard stretching in the meantime. So you're going to do six somersaults. Okay. So you're going to make six acrobatics checks.

Oh. Okay. Wow, I really regret it here. Here is one. That's a 16. That's one. Here's another one. 13. Here's another one. 9. The number's getting lower. Getting worse and worse. Getting worse. Here's the number one. 22. Here's one more. 14. 20. And then another last one. And the last one.

20. That's some good rolls except for that nine. Yeah, Kyborg starts off really solidly with his somersaults. Then he seemingly like slips on a rock, loses his footing, but then recovers and continues and nails the remainder of his somersaults just fine. Somersaulting through the gateway? Question mark? Oh, yeah. And then each subsequent somersault, I say, yeah, and it gets louder as I do more. I go, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Kyborg.

doing something that normally he does in the privacy of his own home. Yep. What about the rest of you guys? As always, Mud just walks through. Bart is going to skip very jauntily. Who's skipping? Is that... I guess you can skip without any checks. Yeah, you're fine. Okay. I was like, is it acrobatics? Make a medicine check for skipping. Gum-Gum? Gum-Gum just walks through.

I want to request that Mud marches through like he's at the front of a parade, but instead of a baton, he carries the immovable rod! God, you guys are just gonna make Gum-Gum feel awful about that. Okay. You all go through the Immerse Gateway.

Perception check, got it.

22. Bart rolled a 24. Ooh, perceptive. Tomb. Tomb.

Two from Gum Gum. That's a one. So Gum Gum and Mud are temporarily blinded. Kyborg and Bart are able to pull the world into focus around them. You hear a loud gong. The music and bells continue to blare all around you. It sounds like a song you've heard before but can't quite place it. You rub your eyes and try to look through squinted eyelids and you make out four blurry shapes on the ground just ahead. Gong!

The bells thunder and shake the ground. You rub your eyes again and you can finally make out what appears to be four wrinkled and gray-haired corpses decaying on the ground. They look like they've been here for a long time. Gong! The music is getting louder and louder. Amongst the four dusty remains and scattered debris, you see pieces of smashed instrument, splintered arrowheads, a broken stick, and some scattered gravel.

Oh my god. Dead. WHAT?!

That's the end of the episode. All right. Well, that means that's the end of the show. You guys are dead, obviously, on the ground. So thanks for listening, everybody. Hope you enjoyed this show. Kidding. Will we be dead next episode? Tune in to the Stinky Dragon. Find out. I love the plug, Barbara. Yeah, for our own show that you're currently listening to. Hopefully you enjoyed this episode. Like I said, we'll be back next week with another one and find out what's going on in this world. Thanks for listening, everybody.

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