C02 - Ep. 50 - Finale in Faunaloch - Unloching A Secret
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You know there's words you read first and don't know how they're pronounced? Yeah. One of them for me was hearth. And I remember getting into World of Warcraft and there being a hearthstone, which is what you use to go home all the time. And I remember the first time I got into voice chat and I said hearth and everyone made fun of me. Loser! Get out of here!

Let me tell you, being made fun of by a bunch of wow nerds. The epitome of embarrassment. Very nice. Barbara has to have inspiration for that. That's definitely inspiration. I do need one. The other one I love is biopic and biopic. That one I feel like both is right though. Because I've heard both people argue on both sides of how it's pronounced. My cousin.

One time was reading a book and she was like, oh, look, ignore a moose. Oh, ignoramus. Took me a second. Yeah. Yeah. Hello, everyone. I'm Gustavo Serola, the Dungeon Master of our future party. I'm going to hit our four players with an arrow. Okay. Yavin's mine. Yavin and Yavin. This week's role playing warm up question is what does your character want to be known for?

Oh, like remembered for? I'm Chris Damaris and I play Barney Varney, the human cleric. I'd rather not be known at all. But if I was known for anything, I'd just like to be known by my name.

Maybe Barney. Hi, Barney. Why is it? Do you prefer Barney over Barnabas? It's a little easier. So it's more for other people's convenience. My mom started calling me Barney and it stuck. We're going to start calling you Bus. Bus. Hey, Busy. I'm just going to start calling you Arnabas. Take that B away. Like Topher. Be different.

I just want to hear Barney say girls. No, then it'd be different. Oh, Arnabas. Oh, because you say be different, but take the B away. Be different. We do jokes here. This is fun. Turn it off. Comedy. The last episode of this campaign and we're still figuring it out. Hey there. It's God did it again. Blaine Gibson. I play the tiefling rogue level nine Chip Haney. And I want to be remembered for just three small things. Three little things. And I want to be remembered for just three little things.

And no particular order. I want to be known as the world's kindest assassin. All right. Kill him with a smile. That's what I always said. I want to be known as. Have you ever said that once this whole campaign?

Oh God What a missed opportunity What a shirt I could have had Oh well The other thing is I want to be Known as The world's Most loving husband And then this last one Makes me really emotional I want to be known as Having the best lawn In my neighborhood Sorry It's the allergies Are you allergic to grass? Yeah I just get the grass As I always do every morning You want people to walk by And be like Wow

Yeah, there's a dude that cuts like every one or two days. Wow. The freshest grass. But that could never be me. Why? Because it's so nice. You walk by and you're like, oh, my grandmother loved her lawn so much. Yeah. She cut it with scissors and a ruler. Oh, my God. You said that before. That is that's maddening. I hate that so much.

It had to be perfect. He wanted it like a certain height? Yes. And it had to be uniform. That makes me sad. Gus is a boiler. I also like, I imagine the reality situation. She cuts her grass and then measures it to make sure it's right with the ruler. I pictured you going from section to section with the ruler. I think that's how she did it. No way. Her lawn also had, she lived on a hill, so it kind of sloped down. So it would be difficult to use.

machine or a mower and she knew she wouldn't hire anyone to do it she would do it herself with scissors and a ruler if you don't mind my asking how long did she live to be there how old did she early 80s probably 83 84 somewhere on there something about like hard-working active old people they just go on for forever yeah like barney yeah 300 and going strong hello i'm barbara donkelman thank you guys for being here today that's on tales from the sneaky dragon and my voice elko von brah the half-elf vampire barbarian all

Also level 9. Thank you so much. Pew, pew, pew, pew. But it got to 10. Nice around the even number, but no. Maybe after this episode. Maybe. If we survive. You won't. I think at first, Elka didn't really have a whole lot of, like, aspirations for how she wanted to be remembered or known for. Because, you know, she just spent her whole life in the Vamp Spire. So she was kind of sheltered. But now...

I think Elka wants to be known for being brave. Okay. And for helping people. Because she's seen a lot of hardship in this last week.

It's really changed her. It's been hard on Chip. The look on your face, Barbara, as you looked up to determine the timeline that should encapsulate. It's that, but also that Duncan's been telling this story over the course of a night, but if it's like 50 episodes, it's like an hour each. Yeah, these are long. Well, you think of it this way. It's more like he's telling the story. He's had 50 cocktails. You're right, Chris. But you are...

the story. So it's like the story he's telling may be a summary of these events. Yeah. You're not hearing the actual story he's telling. This is the basis for the story. Getting a little meta here. Anyways, they got lost to the Vam Spire and then just went to die. That's like four hours truncated into a sentence. No!

I feel like that's when Gus says, find out next week. Is Duncan saying that? Yeah. Keeping people coming back? Yeah. That's a good marketing angle. For a year? Yeah. That's actually a really good strategy to get people to come visit your establishment. It's like trivia night, but worse. Yeah.

Find out who wins. Hi, my name is John Risinger and I play Matide Confucius who's an Eric Cochran ghost monk. Last time we're going to be Mr. Smith. We're still going to make John do that no matter what campaign we're doing.

You know, I'm not necessarily trying to make my mark on this world in any sort of way, but it's ironic, Duncan, Monsieur Duncan, that you keep asking these questions and pouring these drinks because what I want to be known for is making the perfect latte. What?

Away from baking into barista. But a good coffee drink goes perfect with almost every baking venture. Yes, coffee and croissants, delicious. You have those every morning in the Vampspire, right?

I can survive off of bread and coffee only. That's John's speaker. Did Mateed break the fourth wall? Are we talking to Duncan now directly? That's who's doing the arrow the whole time. Are we talking to Duncan? I like to think Duncan is like the interviewer in those confession booths.

Yeah. They're just sitting right off camera and they're like, okay, well tell us what you think about this. It's like BTS talking head stuff for the story. It's like a documentarian who's been getting all this information from us beforehand and now he's telling the story. We're jumping around in timelines. I watch a lot of like reality shows, including a lot of like. What? You do? Dating reality shows. And so I think I like Love Island when there was, they're in those confessional booths and like, yeah, this new bird came in. She's right fit. Uh, uh.

I'm on the RuPaul Drag Race set, so it's bright pink behind me. I'm throwing shade at all of my ladies. What reality show are Barney and Matiden? What show? There's those ones where they just drop a person by themselves on an island. Oh, is it Naked in a Fridge? Yeah, that's Matiden. Because that seems nice.

You've got like a jungle background. Yeah. Is Barney on a, what was it? Welcome to your life or this American life or whatever. What? Just like the original reality show. This is your life. Yeah. Barney's on big, big, big, big brother. It's like grand, grand, grand brother. Barney would be on, um, like, uh, Jerry Springer because it'd be like, Oh, you are the father. Uh,

Determined. Determined? Determined. That's another one. I did that one way later when I was way too old. Mike, it was like, what? That's not even what we're asking or talking about. I know, but I thought about it. What reality show is Barney on? Dieter Minds. He's Dieter Minds to tell you. On the next episode of Dieter Minds. I don't watch a lot of reality. Maybe Nathan for you. Yeah.

Remember you guys just waited right here. Belle, if you're sure, they'll be right here when you get back. I feel like they're not gonna wait here. All right, we go in? Dive, dive, dive. Yeah. With a splash, you submerge beneath the blue viscous liquid and feel the fluid envelop your body. All of a sudden, you hear the temple above you collapse with a crash.

Bones and stone debris drift into the lockwood, sinking past you out of sight. As darkness swallows your vision, something in the distance softly glows. The faint luminescence casts a shadow on the back of something right in front of you. It's the silhouette of Jaws.

The silhouetted jaws lurch forward towards you all. Everyone make a dexterity saving throw. Oh, I thought it was like a Skellington. Well, I rolled a 19. 27. 15. Barney? Oh, sorry. Barney has a 22. Thank you, Barbara. Everyone manages to quickly swim out of the way except for Chip. And the jaws come down, envelop you, and then just continue falling past you. What? A ghost. You realize now it's just a sculpture of jaws. Oh. Oh.

It's a sculpture depicting what you think might be the Great Moth. It just happened to be falling and went around you. That was funny, right, Gabe? Just avoid the water near me. It's awfully warm. Yeah. Are we able to, like, communicate with each other down here? Not right now. If you have some way of, like, telepathically communicating, obviously, you know, that'll work. But anything that requires...

actual like speaking would be difficult. You can try. We can have fun with it. Could Mateed speak? Because Mateed doesn't require oxygen. Yeah. So Mateed is making sound without oxygen. But it might be difficult for them to hear because the sound is traveling through a lockwood instead of air. So I need to yell. Thick.

Yes, and it might still be muffled. So you all are in a smallest chamber made of what appears to be some kind of ancient stone, and there's something scattered on the floor, and in the center of the chamber is a set of jaws. Is it a bunch of pennies on the floor? Do people throw them in for wishes? Maybe. Maybe it's emo pieces. No. I'm trying to tempt Mateed. To the east is an unnatural opening in the stone wall, and there seems to be somewhat of a faint glow coming from it. Elga points to it and goes...

What a great podcast. She starts swimming towards it. I swim towards it. The hole in the wall with the glow? Yeah. Barney sinks. Because I realize he is chain mail. Well, luckily you have also advantage on strength based checks, right? Oh, shoot. I do. Yeah. Yeah.

It kind of played out for you. You can also grab onto Chip's tail if you need. While they're investigating that hole, I want to see what's scattered on the floor. Yeah, make an investigation check for me. 17. Everyone seems to be focused on the opening to the east, but Matide, you look down at the floor and you see what appear to be scattered bones.

on the floor. It appears that maybe they all originated from a box that fell from the temple above. And judging by the size, these must have been huge creatures. And amongst all the bones on the ground there, you see a scroll. I'm sure it's not Henry's bones, right?

Giant bones. Stop it. Oh, I'm sorry. Stop trying to murder this child. Well, the thing did collapse on that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But box of bones is interesting. I grab the scroll. All right. Yeah. You grab the scroll. And I read it without even thinking about it. Out loud, hoping it's an enchantment. It's in Latin. Make me an arcana check. 15. You recognize it as a scroll of air bubble. Oh. Convenient. Convenient.

So like Sonic the Hedgehog water level air bubble? Kind of. This is a little smaller, though. It allows you to create a spectral globe around the head of a willing creature you can see within range, and the globe is filled with fresh air. Just one? Yes. Yeah, I'm going to hold on to this. We're all fine. We've got an hour of being under the water. Do you? Oh, no, we don't. We have an hour of not being affected by the Lockwood. Oh, shoot, I forgot, yeah. Yeah.

I forgot too because I don't breathe and I don't care. I'm good. If we make that little air bubble, could we like pass it around to each other? I imagine since it's a scroll of enchantment, it's a one-time spell use that goes on to a person. On one person. Yeah, but maybe if you're getting close. Maybe you could like stick your nose up to it and kind of like siphon off some of the air. I don't know. You tell me, Gus. I don't want to kiss.

Who's got the best breath of the group of us? I don't want to kiss my father. Yeah, we'll play with it. If you want to try it, we can try it. Why not? Okay. Well, should we maybe swim through this hole first and then... Yeah. Yeah, because D&D rules, you have breath for how long? You can hold your breath for a number of minutes equal to one plus your constitution modifier.

So whatever your constitution modifier is, add one to that, and that's how many minutes you can hold your breath. How many? Sound off. Four. So three minutes? Three minutes. Wait, what? What's your constitution modifier? It's three. So his is four. So it's four, four, and three. And three. And what's yours? Infinite. Oh, right, because you're, yeah. Okay, cool. So I'm assuming it's been five seconds. Move quick, move quick, move quick. Elga swims towards the light. Okay.

Same. You see an unnatural hole that seems to have been carved in this eastern wall, and it's big enough for, you know, everyone in your party to squeeze through. And beyond that opening is a faint glow that appears to be just out of view. Before going in, could we quickly just, like, glance around and see if there's any other openings or anything else on the ground worth noting? I'll leave it up to you. Investigation or perception check? Perception.

I did another investigation check. 18. Okay. He was asking me. 24. I know. I'm sorry. I was joining in to aid this role. I don't need no help. 24. You don't see anything else other than this box. Or I should say all the bones that appear to have fallen out of the box that fell into here from above. Does the box have words on it? No. Okay. Okay.

And I don't recognize what the bones are other than they were a big creature. Make a history check. It was dragons. Dragons. That was two ones. Maybe they're people bones. Oh, wow. Big people. Can I glance back at those bones and see what they... Sure, make a history check. It's like in the Flintstones when Fred would get the giant rack of ribs that would tilt his car over. There was an egg.

Yeah, definitely someone was having a barbecue. This is like the leftover rib bones. This is probably just where they tossed them after they were done eating. We'll probably figure out eventually. Sure, who cares? Bones, through the hole. Yeah, Elga swims through the hole. I swim through the hole. Oh, I want to do that thing that gives me advantage on initiative. I'm calling it now. Do you need to speak to cast that? I don't think so. No.

Let me check. I like that the initial knee-jerk reaction is, no, wait, hold on. I actually have no idea. You know who also does that? My children. Ha!

Well, at least I owned it. It just says that. I can just do it. No, but what's the component? No, literally the description says just do it. Just do it. There is no component. You give one creature advantage on initiative. Yeah, it's a vigilant blessing. Yeah, it says you give one creature you touch. All right, touch myself. When I think of you. That's pretty inappropriate. Let's chip you on it. I think you're good having it. Go through the hole. You bless yourself. How'd you do?

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You all enter a large L-shaped chamber. The walls, floor, and ceiling are slimy and stained from the blue lockwood. Bubbling throughout the chamber are a handful of fissures discharging some kind of green gas that's floating up. And this is still underwater, right?

Yes. And as far as like L-shaped, are you saying like if we looked up, then it would 90 degree? Or is it like this? Or is there a corner? Yeah, like. Backwards L. So it's a backwards L. You're at the like bottom left. Okay. So there's a corner and there's a bunch of fissures spewing out green gas. Oh, okay. So we just swim up.

Let's just swim up the length of the big L. I don't know if it's... Is it L-shaped tall ways or L-shaped like a room that's L-shaped? Both. It's... Like, imagine that that continues up and then tapers down. Okay. At the ceiling. Okay. So it's like a chimney. Like, we gotta swim up a chimney. You're looking at a top-down view there, Barbara. Yeah. And then it just kind of tapers and gets, you know, forms to a ceiling, almost like a cave at the top. Okay, okay. I swim...

Around the fissures, avoiding the gas. Everyone make me... Before you start swimming with tea, do me a favor. Everyone make me a perception check. 19. 14. I have advantage on this. That is a 14 and a...

We're just good with a 14. 11. And Matitya had a 19, right? Correct. You're the only one who notices this. As you enter this room, you catch sight of a disfigured-looking Hugo at the northeast portion of this room. Oh. It looks like most of his skin is burned off. Oh. His lips are missing, and so his fangs are just perpetually visible, and they seem to be dripping with some kind of green liquid. I wonder how he talks with his lips. I'm really like Nosferatu look. Oh.

Outstretched from his back are two bony wings. Does he look dead? No. His back is to where you all entered from. He's looking away, doing something. Because he came down into the Lockwood without the croissant. So I imagine he's not... Well, he's probably feeling the effects of this. Well, yeah, he got disfigured in that fight with Eddie, and now he's even more disfigured than he was before. That's how Eddie got disfigured in the first place, right? Yeah, by going in the Lockwood. Losing his skin. Lockwood...

Apparently takes on people's skin. And so, sorry, what else is in here? Why did you take Chip's skin when he fell in? There's a green gas. And what else is there in here? Fissures. Yeah, fissures that are discharging the green gas. Fissures are like cracks in the floor. Gotcha. Like, so they're spewing. And that's from the wall or the floor? All over, both. Okay. Okay.

How far from Hugo are we? The room's a fairly decent size, and you're on the other side from it. You have to kind of go straight and then hook a left since the room is L-shaped to get all the way up there. As the Matide flies... There you go. It's probably, let's say, like 60 feet away. 60 feet. So should we sneak up on him? Like maybe get a little grapple on him? I have an ice arrow. I don't know if I could freeze the water around him. Do you have any radiant damage stuff? Anybody here? I do.

Because he is likely vulnerable to radiant damage. I was thinking we could, like, if we could just sneak up on him and get a good grab on him, then we could get some answers. But also, like, we're underwater. We're underwater, yeah. We're not going to, I don't know if we could chat with him. And what is he busy with again? His back is turned to us. His back is turned. And what is he doing? I don't know. I can't really see.

He's probably playing Game Boy. Underwater Game Boy? I don't know. All this Tetris talk and singing the theme song has Game Boy on Blaine's mind. Is there a way to, like, swim above him where we can look and see what he's doing?

You can try. I don't think I... I'll do it. I'll do it. Makita's very graceful. Yeah. I feel like they would like... Yeah, nothing more graceful like a bird underwater. And they're a ghost, though. Have you ever seen a duck? Yeah. Hey, that's true. Penguins? Gotcha. I don't know if I... Penguins are birds. What? Well, graceful is what I was going to say. In the water? In the water, yeah. Penguins are very graceful. You know, Mingo? Heard of one?

Like a flamingo, I charged through the water stealthily. No, no, no. He said, Flamingo, you're flamenco dancing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get out. It's impossible to take a direct straight path to him just because of all the fissures that are releasing gas, unless you want to swim through the gas that comes through.

Oh, could I use my incorporeal movement and go like translucent or whatever you want to call it? Transparent? Stuff passes through me. What's the word I'm looking for? Isn't it incorporeal? Yeah, it's incorporeal. I'll go incorporeal. And then could I go like directly at him that way? Where is that? I want to read it real fast. That's probably a good thing to check me on. It just says just do it. Incorporal movement. Once for short rest, you can use your bonus action to move through other creatures and objects for up to one minute with concentration.

You take 1d10 force damage if you end your turn inside an object. So it's not necessarily like a magic effect or anything, right? It's just something you can do? Yeah, because I'm a ghost. Okay, make a stealth check for me then, since you're being a little sneaky here. That's a nat 20 plus 9, 29. So stealthy. The finale rolls that we need. Mateed doesn't even move the lockwood at all. No.

Right, because I'm incorporeal. Yeah. Yeah, you begin swimming through the lockwood, and luckily for you, with your incorporeal movement, you're able to avoid some of this green gas that's bubbling up from these fissures, and you get to a point where you are above Hugo looking down. Yeah, what do I see? Yeah. Mateed is making that sound. It's all P-O-V-E-D. Mateed. Mateed. Mateed, Mateed, Mateed, Mateed, Mateed.

You can see he's pushing on something on the wall, and then all of a sudden the wall opens up and he seemingly falls through. He falls through it? Yeah. Falls through? Like, doesn't go through, falls through? Yeah, like it opens up and kind of like Lockwood escapes with him, sucks him out, and then the wall reseals. Oh. Game boy. I mean, he probably knows something about this. Yeah.

He probably knows something we don't, right? Like, this is a way he should be... He knows to be going. Didn't somebody in the old Game Boy, like, ads, like, say, Game Boy? Like, didn't they just, like, blurt it like that? Game Boy. That was like a Sega thing. That was Sega. Anyways, then I'd like to investigate where he was pushing against the wall. Yeah, you swim down there and you see...

what appears to be like a slimy narrow gate that looks like an aperture. And right now it's closed. It doesn't appear to have a handle or a lock or anything on it. Are we in a toilet? This could be a... Did he just flush himself? Is that a pee trap that we're on? Do we want to quickly see if there's any other openings or anything? Because that probably is the only way to get out of this chamber. Yeah, you guys should probably make your way to me. Yeah. Watch the green liquid. Elga...

very dexterily goes over. Is that a word? Dexterously? Dexterily. She verily dexterily. She verily. She doesn't know it. She swims over to Mateed. And avoiding the green stuff. Can Barney do it, whatever the opposite of dexterily is? Clumsily. I just imagine arms waiting like...

Yeah, Chip moves over there. And he uses his tail like a fin. He's actually quite good. Yeah, so you all are there as well. And you see the same thing Mateed saw. This slimy, narrow gate that is currently closed. And he was pushing against a wall? Yeah, he was trying to manipulate it somehow. I do that. Make me an athletics check. Unless this was a trap and he accidentally triggered a trap and got sucked out. Eh, let's go for it. 21.

Nice. The aperture opens up for just a brief moment and sucks you and all of your friends out. I did it, everybody. Is it a slide? No. You sounded so disappointed. As you pass through the gate, it closes behind you and you immediately spill onto the floor of a long, fairly narrow cavern absent of Lockwood. Can I do an athletics check to see if I land in a superhero pose? Do acrobatics, not athletics. Okay. All right, here we go. I just want to do it one more time.

21. It was hard to hold my breath for that long. Playing like a ninja.

You land with Grace doing the superhero pose. He gets impressed. Elga's still trying to catch her breath. You land on a floor made of scattered scarlet stones interwoven with a gray slime that drips from the ceiling. Is Hugo in here? Make an investigation check. Marco. Hugo. That's a nine plus one, ten. You don't see him at the moment, no. Okay. So there's a gray slime on the floor?

On the floor and coming from the ceiling. And something about crimson tiles? Scattered stones. Yeah, scattered scarlet stones. Surely there's footprints because he was wet and he would be carrying lockwood with him. Yeah, but there's also all the slime on the floor as well. So it's not like it's a totally dry room you're in. Can Chip use like his investigations? Yeah, you can make like if you're looking for tracks, that's survival. You can make a survival check. Okay. Can I do that too, Barney?

I have advantage on this. It's a 10 and a 3. Elga's going to look as well. 11. Okay, I'll wait for Elga's check as well. 20. All three of you also make me dexterity check.

Six. That's with advantage. Ouch. I rolled the same thing twice. Barney and Chip, you're unable to find any tracks, but it's probably because you're preoccupied trying to avoid this slime from falling on you as it's dripping from the ceiling. Ew. Elga, you're so focused on finding tracks that you are able to uncover them. You do see some tracks that may have been left by Hugo, but as you're looking down at the tracks, a large glob of gray slime falls everywhere.

and envelops you. Oh my glib. What does it do to me? It's like the effects of a slow spell. It's just slowing you down now. You're just like all soggy and waterlogged. Could I try to remove it from my body? My person? Yeah, you can just take some time to remove it. Yeah.

Is there any specific... You just, like, kind of try to brush it off? Yeah. Yeah. She does the thing, like, you know when you, like, finish showering and you want to get some of the excess water off of you? Just, like... While you're doing that, I say... And then she also shakes like a little puppy. I say, Elga, quick, trust fall! And I fall into you. Why? Because she's got the slow spell, so she probably is going to not be able to catch me because it would be funny because she's got to react fast. I don't know. All right. Elga does not try to catch Chip. Yeah, yeah. How many points of damage does she take? Yeah, Chip falls to the ground and takes...

Two points of bludgeoning damage. I know you're clean. I saw you. After being distracted by Chip's trust fall, your eyes continue following the tracks, Elga, and you do see Hugo to the north, who turns around, notices you all, and begins moving very quickly for what appears to be an exit to the north. Could Elga pick up a glob of that slime and throw it at him? It's pretty far. You can try, but it's going to be a...

a good bit of distance, but I mean, let's try it. Why not? Do an unarmed strike at disadvantage because it's so far. Okay. How far away is it? 60, 65 feet, something like that. Think about all your days playing for the Vamspire football team. This is the fourth quarter. You got to make that Hail Mary throw. Here we go. My disadvantage was 15. Okay, yeah. I'll say you are actually able to hurl it far enough and it hits him. He looks at it kind of like disgustingly and then like you did, he kind of shakes himself and it all flies off with ease and he continues running to the northern exit. Nice.

That's so cool. That was good. That was a good throw. It was a good throw. Hey Chase! Hugo! Yeah, Matide you give Chase. I Chase as well. Yeah. Alright, everyone gives Chase and you see Hugo disappear through a narrow opening that seems to lead to a dark chamber to the north. He's just taking us exactly where we need to go. Maybe. We don't even have to figure it out ourselves. And one more time, everyone make me a dexterity check. Mm-hmm. 22. 16.

Four. Five. Barney and Mateed, you're able to get to the northern exit without issue, but Chip and Elga are so focused on running, they're, again, not paying attention to that gray slime and it falls on them. So it's going to take them just a little longer to catch up. Oh, we're in a race, guys. For what? I don't know. It's a race. I ain't weenies. I ain't weenies. Is there anything...

special chip or Elga want to do to try to get the slime off? No. Elga does the thing again where she shakes herself like a little puppy who just wet. I'll use my tail as like a windshield wiper. I'm going to cast Bless. Bless up, Barney. On us. Bless this mess.

Which does? Oh, sorry. Bless for one minute up to three creatures of your choice within range. Whenever they make an attack roll or saving throw before spell ends, the target can roll a d4 and add the number roll to the attack roll or saving throw. I assume you pick your three party members? Yeah. Okay.

I don't know. And that lasts for one minute. Yeah. So if we're doing like little spells, things like that, can I have had my Poisoner's Path thing prepped when we took the last short rest? I always forget to do it. Sure. It's okay. Okay, okay. What does that do to us? Whenever you make an attack roll or saving throw, you get a D4 to add to the end. And just once? No, for a minute. Oh, nice. While we're on the chase. Hey! Hey!

Hey, what's going on? I'm going to take a bite of a brownie. Ooh. Since we're all just doing little buffs. Some gastric fortitude. Bard brownie gives me bardic inspiration. I get three charges of it. I don't remember where I got this. Maybe the- Come into your shop named Bartholomew Finn. Scourge? Skeg? Craig? Dregs? Dregs. You got there. I think that's where I got it. Anyways, I take a bite of a brownie. It's yummy. Chip has his mouth open. He's pointing at it. Ah.

He wants a knuckle sandwich. I let Chip take a bite of the brownie. I don't have to take the effect. He takes a bite of the brownie. I shove it in. Eat the brownie. Eat the brownie, Chip. This is the most violent I've seen Mateed. It's like in They Live when Rowdy Roddy Piper's trying to get the sunglasses on Keith David. I love that movie. All right, so is everyone ready to proceed? Yeah. You enter a dark grotto with white columns built into the walls.

At the far northern end of the room, you see a disfigured figure facing away from you, hunched over, ranting. I've come too far to be stopped here at the dead end! Come now, I've done my part! You all feel the scarlet floor tremble beneath your feet, and the monstrosity turns to face you with a lipless, fanged grimace. No, you four can't stop me! Not now! Unless...

Perhaps you, too, wish to know the secret of grotesque? Yes. Chip Haney. Hugo Von Brass. You have suffered a great loss in this world. Yeah. Perhaps the greatest of all. Love was snatched from you. It's no mystery that you achingly long for your Carol. To hold her again. To feel her warmth. To see her smile beaming back at you. Go on.

Barney Farney, cheated of your best years, robbed of your memories, deprived of your precious family. Surely you're feeling your age weigh upon you, like that of plate armor that you should have hung up years ago? Can I respond? Matide confissus. Your carefree nonchalance is something to aspire to.

Surely, you of all people lack nothing in this world. Or perchance, have you drifted through this immortal coil for so long that you have steadily been stripped of that which drives us all: purpose. Oh, Elga. My sweet little Elga. Hugo. You have made your father proud, my dear. Truly a vampire's vampire among our people.

I see it in your eyes, my child. The same thirst that lurks in my own gaze. Surely you are fatigued and parched of tiptoeing through a world that maligns you, when they should all be bowing before you. And a crimson glint shimmers in Hugo's veined eye. I can change all of your worlds. All you have to do is yield.

Everyone make a charisma saving throw. Stalling. And don't forget, we have the bless. Bless up, yo. Ooh. Okay.

20. That's 12. Not me. 23. I would be a 11. 21. Some very charismatic party members here. I got the raise, you know. I have faced you before and I can do it again. You don't have much of a face left. The haggard Hugo spreads his bony wings and charges straight for you with fierce fangs. Everyone roll initiative. I wanted to eat that bell. That's what I wanted to do. Oh, right.

20. 24. 21. I also rolled a 20. Not worth it now. Chip, what is your dexterity? 15. Okay, so you go before me. Oh. Okay, so Mateed was 24. Barney was 21. Chip and Elgo were both 20, but Chip goes first. Yes. Wow, I'm going last initiative with a 20. That's crazy. Yeah. Well, I got good initiative modifiers now at this point. I'm going to roll for Hugo here. Roll a one. Go on, dork. Ten. Ten.

All right, Mateed, you're up first. It's Mateed, Barney, Chip, Elga, Hugo. He's charging at us? Yeah. Shh.

Oh, we're twins. It's like Bilbo in Fellowship. Oh, yeah. So scary. Sure, I'll charge at him. Come at me, bro. Got him. Yeah, I'm going to... He's not expecting it. It's like when a bear charges you and you make yourself all big. It's like, whoa. Whoa, chill. What are we doing here? Hey. Yeah, I'm going to use the Spear of the Superior Baker. No. No.

Listen, I would have used that, except that you pointed out I can't do stunning strikes with that. Correct. So I'm not going to be using that as much anymore. So that's on you. Okay, guys? That's it. I'm ending this campaign. I'm going to kill you all. Yeah, I'm just going to go in for a two-handed strike, and I'm going to do that by rolling a 30. Let me check. Oh, yeah, that hits. Okay, 1d8 plus 7.

That's a six plus seven, 13. That's piercing damage, right? Piercing damage, and I'm going to make it a stunning strike. What is the save? 75. I don't think so. Yeah. I'm looking at my sheet right now. Constitution saving throw of 16. Okay. My constitution's plus three, so I need a 13 or better. Is he at disadvantage because he has no lips? No.

Is that where you hold all your constitution? I mean, if you're speaking a spell, it might affect your ability to have proper speech patterns. I'm so sorry I'm getting hung up on the lipless detail, but it's just, you know, I mean, come on. That is so unsettling to think about. He's talking like this. Well, he rolled a 12 plus three, which is 15, which is a failure.

However, he uses his legendary resistance to instead of fail to succeed on that saving throw. Well, I use flurry of blows to do another two unarmed strikes, which can be stunning strikes as well. I hate you. Yeah. Well, you shouldn't give everybody legendary resistance. So that's how the croissant crumbles. That is 16 plus 925. That hits.

Nine. Nine. And is that slashing? Slashing, but it's considered magical. Okay. And then another stunging strike. 17. Woo! That's a 13 plus 9, 21. To hit? Yeah, that hits.

Doing seven magical slashing. Okay. And then give me one more con saving throw. All right. This is plus 319. Okay. That's fine. Stop celebrating over there. This is bad, Gus. I mean, it's all perspective. From my perspective, the Jedi are evil. That's good. Okay. That's very good. My movement, I wanted to, since in order to do these strikes, I have to be up on him on a melee distance. Okay. So I'm right next to him then. Yes. Yes.

Nice wings. Mine have feathers. Oh. Oh. He takes ego damage. Oh. Ego. Bony, nasty wings. Ow, my self-esteem. Yeah. Don't make Trevor say that. I'm kidding. Ow, my self-esteem. Is that it for you? Yeah. We done. Barney, you're up. I'm going to cast Flamestrike. Flamestrike. Flamestrike. That's new. Okay.

Keep in mind Mateed's like up

on Hugo, so maybe aim past him. Yeah, I just aim it. Yeah, I'll say it's possible to aim it in a way that only encompasses Hugo and does not engulf Mateed. So it's a dexterity saving throw. What's the save DC on it?

Dex 18. Dex 18. All right. Best of luck, Ugo. My dex is plus three, so I need a 15 or better. Yeah, you're not going to make that. He's going to do it now. Oh, three. Oh, sorry. Say it back. Say it back. The 4d6. That's 16. 16 fire. 21 radiant. That's a good roll, Chris.

Good boy! The holy fire seems to strike down from above and it envelops Hugo who begins screaming in pain. How far away is he right now from me? You didn't move up yet, so he's at the very edge of the range of your spell, which is about 60 feet. I move up within five feet. Move up to Hugo. Do you have 55 feet of move? Oh, no, I don't. No, no, I don't at all.

This is D&D. I didn't realize you were 60 feet away even though I just said it. I know, I know. I was reading my spell as my bonus action. I'll move forward my 30 feet towards him. Okay. And then I'm going to telekinetic shove me five feet further.

You should telekinetic shove yourself in. You're 25 feet away from him. Oh, Barney hit the nose.

Well hello stinkers we want to tell you that this episode is sponsored by Hero Forge. Hero Forge allows us to use our forged characters to make actual little itty bitty ones we can hold in our hand. I created Elga in Hero Forge and it was so much fun I spent way too long doing it. I made Mateed. I was impressed at how many specific items I could make to make sure that Mateed was quite

accurate. They got so many things in their catalog. They're constantly adding new extra customizable option, new species and custom posing. I had Matee do a karate kick kind of position. I think I spent the most time picking my pose because I was like, do I want her like swinging the axe, holding it, looking kind of like a kid? You know, there's so many options. Hero Forge 2.0 color technology allows you to create perfect miniatures with advanced features like decals, makeup, war paint,

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I imagine he's vulnerable to Radiant. Yes, you know that as a vampire yourself, that Radiant for vampires. From a metagame perspective, it's considered a vulnerability. Yes.

That was Barney's turn, so we got Chip, and then after Chip, Elga. Okay, really quick. How far away is he again from me? About 60 feet. 60 feet. Is that all of us? Yeah, except not Mateed, who's up in melee range, and now Barney is 25 feet away. I'm going to use my movement to get up as close as I can to Hugo, so that would be 40 feet. So you get within 20 feet of him. And then I want to take cunning action to dash the remainder of...

of that distance. So that uses your bonus action to continue to close the distance. And keep in mind, this is 60 feet. This entire 60 feet, Chip is screaming, charging. He's got his crossbow of coolness out and he's prepped the bitter cold bayonet. So he's charging at him with a bayonet going, ah!

It's like the scene in Monty Python. Yeah. The charging scene. Precisely. Goes on forever. And then I'm going to, yes, use my crossbow of coolness because he hasn't taken an action that is going to be an assassinate thing. You have advantage on attack rolls against any creature that hasn't taken a turn in combat yet and any hit you score against a creature that is surprised is a critical hit. Don't think he's surprised if you're screaming at him though. He's not surprised. 2019 and a

16 and then I'm gonna roll the d4 for bliss. So technically it's a 21 you hit Okay, so I'm gonna do the damage with that attack So that's nine nine points of cold damage because it is from the crossbow of coolness So in addition to that, I also do the 5d6 damage because of sneak attack Wasn't very sneaky, uh, but because matita is within five feet I get that extra 5d6. Yep, and that is I don't see a lot of high numbers there 18 kind of damage

Since it's sneak die, it's just additional. I think this would be considered some kind of piercing damage, most likely. Yes. And then I don't know if I can stack this. I'll just ask. You know, I remember when I said that I wanted to have that poison kit. Yeah. Okay. I'd like to use that. Okay. Regis, my lifeline. That's not like a bonus action or anything, right? You just use it?

It says you gain expertise with the poisoners kit during a short rest. You can create a one single use injury touch ingested or inhaled poison on effect. The target must make a constitution saving throw DC 10 plus your proficiency bonus or take 2d6 plus four damage. So then metagame wise, it would be that you had applied it to the

The dagger. The dagger, right. And then you're using it. Yeah, yeah. Because I'm going to make it a touch thing. Well, this would be injury, I think, because it's not like you're touching it. Totally what I said. It would be an injury poison. Anyways, so you need to make a DC 10 plus your proficiency bonus. I guess it's a 14. Roll a 14. 14 constitution saving throw. Well, don't roll a 14. Roll like a 1 or something. My constitution is plus 3. I need an 11 or better.

19. It was an 8, and then it switched at the last second. 22. Successful save. Okay, so then do you take any of that, or do you take half of it? Probably half. No. It doesn't say that. It's just... He shrugs it off. That's okay. And then... And then... Yes, and? You have to be done at that point. I think I'm gonna...

There's one other thing there's one other thing because the way you said it no no no no Because it's the crossbow coolness and I charged him with the bitter cold bayonet on a hit you can expend a charge no action and the target must make a DC 15 constitution saving throw or become frozen see petrified next turn so roll for a Stop you. Yeah, okay. What was the DC on it again? DC 15

Stop rolling high numbers. My constitution is plus three. I need a 12 or better. This is for your own good, Gus. That's a 13, so that's a failure. There you go. Yay! So you're frozen. You look really warm from the fire. Now start singing an Idina Menzel song. So what effects does that have on Hugo? You see from where the bayonet pierced Hugo's side, it seems like

I see tendrils start spreading across his skin, slowing his movement, eventually freezing him solid in place. Well, gang, we did it. We beat the final boss. Which you're able to do because I burned through his legendary resistance. You're welcome. Thank you. Okay, good chi- good chi- fives all around, team.

Is that it for you? Well, because I have 20 feet of remaining movement and he's frozen, so I can't imagine he can take a Tackle Top opportunity, so I'll use that to move away from him. Okay, you move 20 feet away. That's it for your turn, right? Yeah, but I moonwalk away. I stabbed him, and then I go...

Elga, that means it's your turn. I would like to rage. Despite all her rage, still just a bat in a cage. Form of? Do I have to decide right now? I do have to decide right now. Yeah. Form of the beast with bite. Bite. I'm going to take bite. Do you lose your lips?

Nah. They actually get bigger. I just got the giant teeth. Then I want to move up 40 feet. You know when a child for Halloween puts those teeth in? Yeah. That's me right now. That's so gross. You take them out. I hate it. They never fit. They always hurt. I'm sorry, Barbara. I want to move up 40 feet on my full walking speed. Then I'm going to throw my axe of the scarab towards Hugo. Okay. To hit...

That is a 25. That hits. Okay. Doing... Oh, my God. Eight. Plus, I guess...

'cause it's slashing and I'm ranging, so. - I don't know if you get your rage bonus on ranged stuff. - Is it melee? - It might be melee. Let me double check. I might be wrong. Let me just double check that real fast. - So this attack type is melee here. - I'm gonna say no, 'cause when you throw it, that is ranged, 'cause it does have a range on it. It's not just within melee. - Okay. - So eight, you still do eight. - All right, well, I'll do it again.

Okay. To hit, that is a 29. Okay, yeah, that hits. Doing, there we go, that's a little better, 13 points of slashing damage. You throw the Axe of the Scarab, it hits Hugo, chips off a little piece of his shoulder for eight points of damage. Then you re-summon the Axe of the Scarab back to your hand and throw it again. It hits him so hard, it unfreezes him, crying out in agony as his deformed damage frame falls to the ground. You...

You must be feeling pretty good about yourselves right now, I suppose. Yeah, pretty much. Like heroes at the end of a long adventure. Well done. We're clapping now. Why are we clapping? But we've been here before. What? All five of us. And I fell to my death then just as well. But this time...

This time is different. I know the part I play. Do you? And then rather abruptly, Hugo falls to the floor, unmoving, his red eyes fixed eternally on the four of you. You lied to me for my whole life and I'll never forgive you. But worst of all, you're just an evil person and I don't like you. And I will never love you.

and then she spits onto his face. I kick him. Barney goes up and lowers his head. Oh, okay. Elga runs over to Barney and embraces him. Aw, sweet. I join Mateed in the kicking while he's down. You go for the head, I'll go for the butt. Okay. Well, he said something about that he was playing a part. Do you think this was all a trap? Yes.

Okay. Thank you, Batid. I do not think that this adventure is quite over. We still have to uncover the mystery of this whole Ma situation and what he was after all along. With a rumble, the scarlet ground quakes me once more. But this time, the entire grotto begins to tremor and fracture. The surrounding white columns slowly start to split open vertically, and the floor lifts and undulates wildly, throwing the four of you toward the pillars.

Wow. 11.

12 for Elga. 24. I rolled a 9, but I have an evasion when you're subjected to the effect that allows you to make a deck-saving throw. You will take half damage. You instead take no damage if you succeed. All right, so everyone failed except for Mateed. So you're all going to take a little bit of piercing damage. Chip, you take half of this. Five points of damage. Chip, you take two. Okay.

You pass through the spikes and suddenly you're free falling as if from a towering cliffside. Torrential wind is zipping past you, your body's flailing wildly downward. You have but seconds to save yourself from plummeting to your deaths. I turn into a bat. I go...

I'll grab Chip. It's dark. I'll turn and I'll float. That's a knight. That all sounds pretty good. Just for funsies, Mateed, just make a strength check just to make sure you're able to grab and hold on to Chip. I rolled a nat 20. 24. You're able to swoop over. Actually, I'm kind of sad I rolled a nat 20 on that one. You just miss me entirely. I'll help you. Don't worry, Chip. Grab my

No! Mateen's got my shoulders, but then Elga has my tail. Like, just, like, daintily holding it. In her mouth. Yeah.

So you all are able to interrupt the fall and lightly land on the ground below. After the dust finally settles, you all gather your bearings and survey your surroundings. It's dark. Maybe nighttime? There's no stars or moons in the sky, but a faint red glow lingers just past the mountain. You all struggle to make sense of what you see, but your faculties are failing you. The blackened ground feels parched far beyond desert sands ever should be. The air feels stale and eerily silent. The

The ground shifts, vibrating under you. As you look around, you instantly find the cause. The mountains are moving. As the mounds shift, you also realize the source of red light. It's a half-sun. The faint vermilion blaze casts a shadow across the mountain, or what should be a mountain. You see the rows of white spikes high up in the sky. They open wide, revealing themselves to be one massive mob.

An oddly familiar voice bellows, both inside your minds and all around you. Welcome, welcome, all my love visitors. Elephantine tentacles with claws emerge on the sides of the mountainous monster and rush straight for you. Everyone roll initiative. Oh, good lord. The straight monster.

Wait, Hugo the Maw? No, I think Hugo was just serving the Maw and like probably... I thought the Maw was like a benevolent like deity. Yeah, but it seems to recognize us. Yeah, you said a familiar voice. Yeah, what's the voice? Because we can't hear it now. Familiar, but not in a way you feel like you can place or you can identify. Okay. All right, everyone roll initiative. 10. 11. 8. These are really bad at counting down. 12. 13.

12, 11, 10, 8. Much lower than our first fight. Yeah, that was really bad. Let me roll for the mountain. All right, guys. Now we got to fight a mountain. 17. Did this thing say it was the mall? It didn't, but we're assuming. It says, how are you familiar? So I go first.

The mountain? Yeah, the way it should be. Can I do like a right-click info on this mountain? Yeah, it's like three skulls. Is that difficulty? Yeah. We're zero skulls. That means that we can't tell what level it is because it's so high. Cool. You all feel a torrential wind buffeting you from behind as if pushing you closer to the mountain. Everyone make a... a...

Let's call it a dexterity saving throw. 27. 21. 14 with evasion. If I take damage, it'll be half. I rolled a one. Oh, Barney. Barney's just so overwhelmed by seeing a talking mountain that he just... Oh! Oh!

So Elga and Mateed, you're able to stand your ground, but Chip and Barney, the winds suck you in and pull you even closer to the mountain. So that's what I wanted because, you know, melee attacks. Is this like the mountain as in like the Game of Thrones mountain where it's just a big dude? Well, it's just like a, it's huge, right? It's just like a mountainous amalgamation of a monster. It's got a massive maw, an assortment of eyes, 10 giant tentaclaws, an extensive streak of red across its belly and neck.

Streak of red on the belly and neck. Yeah, those might be the weak points. Aim for those. They're not glowing, though. Oh. Oh, oh, oh. And it's got a big T on its chest. It's a superhero. Tentacles. Okay, so it pulled Chip and Barney closer. I'm going to roll a die to see what attacks. One and two, Barney. Three and four, Chip. One. That's Barney. Oh, there you go.

That makes sense. He rolled a one. One on one. One of the giant tentaclaws lashes out at you, Barney. Okay. Hitting. Let's see some real damage here, Gus. Come on. We need to live. I'm trying to support Gus. Hitting AC 18. That does not hit? Does not hit. Oh, you have like a 20 or something, right? All right. I'm going to make another attack. One or two, Barney. Three or four, Chip. Bring at me.

Two. It's Barney again. I'm sitting there on my knees praying. Hit the old man. Take him instead. Lashes out, hitting AC 35. That one hits. Shockingly. Doing 40 points of slashing damage. 40? Yeah. That's a lot.

Are we high enough level for this? We're level nine. This must be the level 20 boss fight. And you are now grappled. It has you in its grip in one of its tentaclaws. A third tentaclaw lashes out at Chip. Oh, God. Ah!

All right. Hitting AC 23. Roll it again because I have super groovy cape that is called the cloak of displacement. Oh, yeah. So attacks are at disadvantage against you, right? Correct. I just want to point out that he rolled a 35 attacking Bernie. He has a very high modifier. It's like it's an item that automatically does it, doesn't it? Yeah. I'm just saying it. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

He's not putting a lucky. He's using an item that stays. Yeah. Copy. I understand your concern, Barb. I would be there with you. So it's 27 and a what? 23. Is that a hit? I see. Let me do the quick math. Yeah, that hits. Okay, okay, yeah. I need you to tell me. Please, I need this. Gus needs the validation of hurting you. Doing 42 points of slashing damage. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

And you are now grappled as well. I have uncanny dodge. When an attacker that you can see hits you with an attack, you can use your reaction to have the attack's damage against you. Okay, so 21. Oh, wait, no, no, but you had to have had dodge already. As a reaction? Oh, it's as a reaction? Yeah. Oh, never mind. You're thinking of patient defense, which is that. Yeah, that's exactly what I'm thinking of. All right, so 21 points of damage. And spoiler, Gus, I will be using that. 21 points.

Dammit. So we all know what my bonus action is already. You're calling it. And you're grappled. And I'm grappled. Okay. I grapple back! I hold on! Err! Ha! I got you where I want you!

It's just like judo. You just got to use its weight against it and toss it onto the ground. Exactly. He's just this speck fighting a mountain. Speaking of a speck, it's your turn, Chip. Okay. Okay, let me see. A grapple creature, speed becomes zero and it can't be everybody's speed. You can do everything, you just can't move. Then I... You can also, if you want, try to escape it. Yeah.

No. Okay. Because you're grappling it. Yeah. We're supposed to try to fight this thing, right? I'm going to use my crossbow of coolness once again. Okay. I mean, if you want to run away, I'll go. I'm just trying to decipher if this is a thing we actually could potentially be fighting or if it's something that's a lost cause. Don't worry, gang. I'll soften them up for you and Mateed and Elga. All right, guys. You're just at the base of a mountain just punching. Okay.

I've got a one on him! Uh, so I'm gonna use the crossbow of coolness. That's... that's your little one! I can use my inspiration die. That's where I get a 23! That hits. Yeah! So that's, uh, uh, eight points of cold damage. And then I also want to use a charge for... ranged rhyme! Upon firing a crossbow bolt at an enemy, hit or miss, as a bonus action, you can expend a charge to cause the bolt to explode with icy charge.

Shards. Each creature within 10 feet of the target must make a DC 15 dexterity saving throw or take 46 cold damage. Okay. So there. So it's going to affect it, you, and Barney. Well, where are you? Yeah. What are you shooting?

Oh, I mean... All creatures within 10 feet of it? Yeah, but I'm not sure, like, can I aim for, like, a different part of it that's not already included? I think it says all creatures within 10 feet of it. Well, you know, I shot a bolt at it. It's a big thing. I don't have to aim at the area. Also, is each tentaclaw a different creature? No. That's a good attempt. Okay, but if a creature, let's say it's 100 feet big, right, and I just shoot at it, like, to the far left and we're over to the right...

That's not within 10 feet like I can I can I aim the crossbow bolt so that it's not gonna hit where Barney and I are? Make a roll a persuasion check against me. I like this. I support this. This is good. Okay, I have a plus 12. Are you opposing? Yeah, what's your do you guys have modifiers or? What'd you roll? 14. Okay. Yeah, sure. I'll give it to you. Yeah, you persuaded me, Blaine. Okay.

I like making checks against the DM. That's fun. 4d6 cold damage. Let's let the dice decide it. Yeah, I like that. That is a not terrible 16. Okay. I want to get out of the grapple and if possible use cunning action. Yeah. Wait, did you use your bonus action already though? I did. Yeah. Did I? To do the explosion. No, you said as a bonus action. Oh. Oh no. Did I lose? Yeah.

*laughter*

I want that isolated too. Can I try to get out of the grapple though? Is that a bonus? Or movement? Normally, yeah, but why not? I'll let you try. Oh, okay. Make your choice, either strength or dexterity. That's the sound of a man looking at a high modifier on a character he's looking at. Strength or dexterity. Hold on, let's go with old Dex.

Watch out, Samad! *laughter* Meh. I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I

How far away am I from this guy? You're 30 feet. I am using my flying speed to get over right up close. Okay. And I want to aim at the, I guess, tentacle that's grappling Barney. Okay. I will rage again. Okay. You have to turn back into Elga, or can you rage as a bat? Elga!

That was a genuine question, but I like the response. I imagine I cannot rage or attack as a bat. I don't think so. Yeah, so I turn back. Oh.

And then I will rage. I like that. You zoom in with your flight speed, but then like midair turn into Elga, so you're still like flying with the movement. And I will take the form of the tail. All right. I'm going to take out my great axe of gaining. Get those gains. And try to slice down on the tentaclaw that's holding Barney. Okay. So to a hit, that is a 23. That hits. Nice.

What note was that, Micah? 14 points of slashing damage. Okay. Does it seem to, like, weaken its grasp or anything on Barney? Make a perception check. Okay. I see nothing. I rolled a one with a plus five, six. It still seems to have a very tight grasp on Barney. Okay. Burner! Oh, my gosh! Oh, gosh, it's killing him! He's getting a cure-it. Ah!

Cannot breathe. I'll slice it again with my greataxe. All right. I'm going to use a inspiration die because that's a 14. I imagine that does not hit. Okay. 13. No. Sorry. All right. Well...

He's no good. He's no good. I guess that's my turn then. Okay. Elga's furiously Elga-ing at one of the Tenaclaws, which means it's Matide and then Barney. How big is this thing? Are we talking Empire State Building? Are we talking dump truck? Yeah, dump. Yeah. What's the scale here? You said a mountain. Mountains range.

There is a mountain range. Did you ask that question just to lead up to that joke? Nope, I found that joke as I said it. It's from D&D scale. It's gargantuan. So like the size of a 7-Eleven or a Bucky's?

Okay. It's gargantuan. 32 to 64 feet tall. Okay. Oh, that's manageable. Pretty tall. Fades inside of it like vision and then mess with its organs. You said it's a big maw. It has a massive maw. When you say maw, what is that? Like a mouth. Okay. Is it open?

Sure, why not? Can I fly into it? Yeah, why not? Okay, I fly into the mouth. We must nourish them all. Wait, there might be something to that. Probably. This is intentional. This is my plan. Yeah. Okay. It doesn't like poultry, though, so... I'm not a chicken. You're a bird. But not all birds are poultry. You're right. You're the bravest person I've ever met.

I go into the maw. Okay. And what do I see? You fly into a damp, fetid, stinking giant mouth with horrific teeth everywhere. Does it have a face? Yes. It has eyes, he said, right? Yeah, it's got eyes. Oh, yeah, ten eyes. Yeah. Just for, I guess, perspective, you fly in and you know what this is. You just came out of here. Oh, we were in... That was the... What? That was... Oh, is it like scarlet stuff with gray slime? Yeah. Yeah.

We're in it? Ew. Wait, is Hugo here? Well, he's dead. Yeah, you see his body hanging on a tooth. Ew. So then at the end of... Oh, wait, were the white pillars teeth? Yes. Yes. That's why they had spikes on the ends. So from my perspective, visually looking at this big old mouth, is there a throat? Yes, you realize that's where you were before this. We're in the throat. And now you will remain where you will be. The hallway before we went into there. Yeah.

Were we in its stomach? You were. Oh, wait. So, wait. The lockwood that we were in was in its stomach? Yeah, all the green gas. It went down through its butt?

No. So is the lockwood the saliva or the stomach acid? No, it's the stomach acid. Yeah. Could I then theoretically travel back to the stomach area? Theoretically, you could try, but the whole area's moving in a way it wasn't before. Like, you could try to start making your way down there. It would take a while, but it's way more treacherous than before. Whereas before, it seemed like a stable room. Now everything's sloshing about and moving like...

The floor becomes the wall, becomes the ceiling. Everything's all topsy-turvy. Can I fly up to its face and attack its eyes? Yeah. Okay. If I threw the battle gooseling on top of the mob, could it stay on top of the mob and keep attacking it? It could try, sure. Okay, I'm going to do that.

Go Pierre! Oui! And that would be my action? Yeah, sure. Okay, then that's what I'm gonna do. I throw the Goosling on the Maw. I want to be like hovering in front of the Maw and use patient defense to take dodge. Okay. And now it's the Goosling. Okay. And the Goosling is going to attack the Maw.

We save Groteth. In Astro City, they build a giant statue of a goose. Of a goose. And then like four little idiots below the goose. It uses bubbling hiss and exhales acidic bubbles in a 15-foot cone because I wanted to hit as many eyes as I could. Okay. So the creature must make a DC 13 deck saving throw. But its dexterity is not great because it's a mount. Plus three. Oh, okay. That's a 16. My bad.

Okay, you take half. We're like 100. I can't. 14 plus 2, 16 acidic damage. Okay. And I'm done. Barney, you are still grappled.

Okay. I want to use my channel divinity twilight sanctuary. As an action, you present your holy symbol and a sphere of twilight emanates from you. The sphere is centered on you, has a 30-foot radius, and is filled with dim light. The sphere moves with me and lasts for one minute. Whenever a creature, including you, ends its turn in the sphere, you can grant that creature one of the benefits. 1d6.

Plus nine temporary hit points or removes Charmed or Frightened. Okay. And then I want to... Barney wants to try and, like, fight his way through out of the Maw. I mean, out of the...

Grapple. Grapple. All right, so you're going to make a check. And I think what happens is instead of, like, doing that exactly, he incorporeal moves through it. Okay. And you phase into a misty version of yourself for the duration. The spell lasts for one minute. Oh, Elga sees this happening and is like, I don't know. Ha!

I think Barney doesn't know. You guys remember he's dead, right? We went over this. We don't need to keep the pretense up anymore. It hasn't been made obvious of what he is. I found his body in his coffin. I saw it. Elga is shocked at the Barney reveal as Barney was shocked at the Elga reveal. I saw the body. It runs in the family. They refuse to acknowledge what is right in front of them. It could have been a...

It was a dummy body. It could have been... It was a dummy body. I have Gendar for ghosts, okay? I know when I see a ghost. And I can't cast any spells or anything, but I'm also, like, immune while I'm in that. You have to... It lasts for a minute. Yeah. Yeah, so I was double-checking. It's resistance, not immunity? Oh, sorry. Resistance. And then I'm going to go ahead and roll for that bonus HP. From your twilight. Yeah, so that's 12 bonus HP. Okay.

Okay. And just for the record, within corporeal movement, you have resistance to non-magical damage. Okay, cool. So it's not immunity tall damage. It's a lot more narrow. Okay, it's the mountain's turn again. It lost its grip on Barney. Everyone go ahead and make a wisdom saving throw. 27. Wow.

15. Five. Okay, that's a 12. All right, only Barney succeeded then. Everyone else is just frightened at the horror that is looking at this giant creature and the daunting task that lies before you. Is that a condition we should add? Yes. If you're frightened, you can repeat your saving throw at the end of your turn. Also, my Twilight Sanctuary can remove frightened.

At the end of our turn. Yeah, at the end of your turn. Do they have to be within range of you? Yes. 30 feet. Okay, I think they're all probably within 30 feet of you. It's also going to attack a little more. It's not holding on to Barney. That's too bad. Well, it's holding on to Chip still. I was like, hey, stop.

breathing. It's like when the teacher's like, alright, I need to volunteer for this, and you're just like looking down. No, no, no. Oh wait, hold on. Your gosling would also have to make a saving throw against that. Oh wait, it's immune to being frightened. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

The maw? No, the gooseling. I love this gooseling so much. I do too. It's gonna save us. Okay, I'm annoyed now. Don't kill it. The gooseling was immune. Barney escaped my grasp. You all feel murmurs within your mind, like just nonstop chattering, a cacophony of voices. Everyone make an intelligent saving throw.

Nine. Dirty 20. Seven. 18. Everyone failed. Great. Very cool. The voices just overcome any ability for you to form your own coherent thoughts. You all take 83 points of psychic damage.

If you are still alive, you are now insane. Insane to the brain! You can't take any actions, can't understand what other creatures say, can't read, and can only speak gibberish. You're still up! Who'd you say? Who's still up, Barney? Me! I'm still up. Elga and Mateep? Yeah, the only gibberish you're able to string together is blurble gerble. Blurble gerble...

I like the commitment to the bitch. It's the best. The same familiar voice bellows all around you. The monstrous maw opens wide and like the snap of a finger, darkness swallows you whole.

Well, thanks for listening, everybody. No way. That was fun. Wait. Rest in peace, Chip. Are we doing another episode? No, we will not see you next week. We're still recording. Well, guys, if you enjoyed that, make sure you follow us on Patreon. A shadow eclipses you from above.

You see watery silhouettes of two people, one sitting and the other standing, but both are looking down at the four of you. A gentle voice calls out to you, "It's time, my friends. Time to wake up." And with hardly any effort, you each feel yourselves gradually float to the surface and inhale what feels like your first breath. Your eyes are blurry, but you feel hands reach out to tenderly pull you out from the water onto a stone ledge.

You try to look around, but everything still appears murky. Give yourselves time to adjust. There's no rush. You all feel your lungs slowly swell, inhaling and exhaling the fresh air. The murkiness slowly subsides from your ears and eyes, and you see two faces softly smiling at you: an elvish woman and a draconic man.

They both seem familiar, like faces from a forgotten dream. The man stands and speaks. I realize you four must have a myriad of questions, but I find it's best to start with the basics. For one,

No, you're not dead. Ah, good. In fact, you're probably the most alive you've ever been before. As the Draconic Man speaks, details start to dawn on you. His scales are a burnt orange. You're standing on a circular stone dais surrounded by water and runic archways arc over your head.

Two, though you may not recognize even yourselves, for some reason you all know each other. And sure enough, you look down to find your reflection in the pool, but an unfamiliar face stares back at you. And three, before I tell you where you are, I'd like my friend to tell you a tale.

The Draconic Man takes his seat once more, and the Elvish Woman steps forward. She has dark features and black hair. She's wearing a navy cloak and matching double-breasted tunic, along with eggplant pants and leather boots. My name is Sadate T'npur. And this is my tale. Long ago, when I was young, I met a boy named Hubris.

I fell in love with his charm and zest for life. Before long, we were betrothed far too young and eloped as soon as we were of age. One night, I awakened to an empty bedside and went out into the night searching for hubris. I stumbled upon him, hunched over eating and drinking from someone's insides. A horrific visage. What was a zest for life was actually an insatiable hunger and thirst.

But before I could react, he overtook me and drew my very life force from me. And that's when I fell into darkness for the first time. I awakened in murky waters and emerged in a strange place. A world beyond worlds, a space between realities. The connective tissue amongst all planes of existence. The Inuverse. It was founded by a society of special individuals whose souls are found in every reality.

They may look different in each world, but they possess the same soul and serve as peacemakers in every realm. No one has ever been forced to awaken until they were ready. And for the safety of the realms, the location of the Inuverse has been kept a secret for generations upon generations. But recently, one individual made a connection to the Inuverse without waking up: a man named Hubris.

Though he has never been here before, for reasons I cannot explain, he is now able to travel amidst the known worlds, every realm connected to the universe. His hunger started small, but for every creature he consumed, he grew larger. But it didn't stop with creatures. He began devouring homes, towns, and over time, even entire regions. When he dies, he just spawns in a new world and begins consuming it.

If it continues to grow, he one day may be able to consume entire worlds. What was once a man has now grown into a colossal creature of consumption. Hubris. The Draconic Man stands. And so we call upon thee, Blaine, son of Gibb. What? Barbara, from the men of Dunkle. Christopher, of the Maris. And John, of those who rise and sing.

You four have been chosen by destiny to lead the charge, to gather our ranks from worlds beyond, to face head-on the imminent threat of hubris and save the Inuverse. Do you accept this quest? Yes. Yeah! Yeah!

Yes? Oui. No, you're John now. You're John. You're you. I said that in an American accent. Oui. I guess we'll have to find out in the next campaign of Tales from the Stinky Dragon. Hey, what? Oh! Oh!