C03 - Ep. 01 - Mission Through Middrus - Zero Hour
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Bada, bada boom, sold. Huh? Just sold my car on Carvana. Dropping it off and getting paid today. Already? What, you still haven't sold yours? You told me about it months ago. I just... Is the offer good? Oh, the offer's great. Don't have another car yet? I could trade it in for this car I love. Come on, what are we waiting for? Ah, you're right. Let's go.

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Best wishes to you, breath drinkers. Spectralize into the stinky dragon and quaff our latest cuppa. Cross my heart and hope to chai. It's a mixture of blacked out tea leaves, vaporous water, invisimilk, soul-filled seasonings, and peppered with radiant reflgence.

One inhale of this incorporeal concoction and you'll have a soul new outlook on life. Now bring over a brew, snag a seat in view, and let's introduce our foul odorous crew.

Hello everyone, my name is Gustavo Sorolla. I'm the dungeon master of our putrid party. I'm gonna hit our four players with an arrow. We're back! Before we really get into the arrow, we're gonna do it with a little slightly different arrow this time. I also, on top of the normal question, I also want every player to briefly describe their characters. I want to hear your player name, your character name, the race slash species.

Class and a physical description. Your face, body, clothes, stuff like that. Just really help us build that theater of the mind. And any food allergies. Your dietary restrictions. This week's role-playing warm-up question is, if your character had a catchphrase, what would it be? You said that all spooky. Yeah. Hmm.

Gus, we're back. We're back. Believe it or not. I feel like we should roll for initiative to introduce. Let's do it. I don't know how we decide who does it. I have a D20 in front of us. First roll of the campaign. Here we go. With real dice.

I rolled a 12. 8. 8. 8. You rolled a 3 and you rolled an 8? Roll off on the 8s. Roll off on the 8s. 19. 14. 14. Just... No, Chris. Ready? Roll off on the... So, Blaine is after Barbara. After Barb's. And now it's me and Chris. 9. 2. Okay. Barbara, Blaine, Chris, me. It's just alphabetical. Yes. That's the normal order. Why didn't we just do it? Oh, yeah.

The fates have to decide, okay? We literally, that's the order we always go in anyways. That's so funny. Amazing. Well, hello everyone. I'm Barbara Dunkelman. Nailed it. Back for campaign three. Super excited. Pew, pew, pew. Pew, pew. And on this campaign, I will be playing Doug Duggan.

Boone spelled D-U-G-B-O-O-N-E. Just like it sounds. Yes, exactly. Doug Boone is a bugbear artificer and he's very tall. He's about seven feet, 350 ish pounds. Although he might say that he's 300 pounds. He's lying. He is, uh,

A bit on the chubbier side. You know, a lot of bugbears are a little more toned and muscular. He's a little more on the soft, fluffy side. He has a very kind face. He has glasses that he doesn't wear all the time. He has kind of like dark brown hair all over his body and face with kind of like light brown patches. He wears brown pants, a kind of off-white beige long-sleeved shirt and a vest.

and the vest is two-toned colors, both teal and maroon. And he has black boots. Also, he has a lot of leather armor with spikes on it. I love the fact that you are playing a character now that is larger in height and weight than your last two characters combined. Combined. By far. More than double, probably. Which episode we find out that Doug is actually Elga and Bart in a trench coat?

A giant furry trench coat. Spoilers, John. Don't forget to do your catchphrase. And I want to make this a little more interesting. Can we hear the catchphrase in your character's voice? Oh, absolutely, guys. I would love to do my catchphrase in my character's voice. Hey, guys, I'm Doug Boone and my catchphrase is...

I could figure it out. I love Doug. I love it. That's so good. I'm already so endeared to this giant teddy bear character. Thank you. Thank you, boy. I mean...

Oh, yeah, I guess that's a great place for me to start. Yeah, what a great segue. Yeah. Hi, I'm Blaine Gibson, previously known as Kyborg and Chipaney, among others. And today slash this campaign for the next year, I don't know however long on this, I will be playing Tolv.

Tolv is an orc barbarian, similar to Doug. He is like seven feet something. He's a very tall drink of water. We tall boys. We tall boys. This is like my first go at like a real heavy. He's a green orc and...

When you think about him, think about like a traditional Viking, not like a Hollywood Viking with the leather armor and the horns. He's got armor pieces and a helmet and stuff like that that protects his nose and stuff like that. And then the colors are a mixture of like brown leathers, but also the colors you think of when you think of an Aurora Borealis. Aw.

Because he's a sailor and he's been out, you know, sailing the seas. For those less familiar with Borealis, Aurora. For Chris. So I looked into like Swedish colors, colors that are common there. And it's like deep blues and maybe some like light greenish blue, like aquas. Cool colors. Yeah. And like, and some like...

I forget all the words for the colors. Like blues. There's blues. A lot of blues and greens. Like turquoise and stuff. Yeah, turquoise and stuff. Is there any chance that Tol's catchphrase is I forget the colors? No. So, you know, you got to imagine Tol's big, huge orc Viking. And this is what he sounds like. This is his catchphrase. Yoo-hoo, it's me, Tol.

Yeah Talks like everything is questioned. He has a smile on at all times very happy to be here He is still working on voice has not talked

- I have not talked to people in a long time. - Oh man. - Very glad to be with the group. - Hey Tov, I think your voice sounds really cool. - Oh, thank you, Doug. That makes me so happy. - Yeah, you sound like someone who I wanna be friends with. - Do you want to be the bodies? Yeah? - Oh yeah. - Oh good. - Oh yeah. - It sounded like you asked, do you want to be the bodies? And I was really confused for a second.

The boydies. Keeping with our Stinky Dragon tradition of always having a barbarian, I will be relying upon both Chris and Barbara. I am in your hands with barbarian insights and info. I will be of no help. I don't want that. Blaine's, Tolv's catchphrase that Blaine just did was the audio version of a person taking a high dive and doing three flips and then belly flopping at the end.

He did great and then doubted himself. And then like peeing themselves a little bit in the pool underwater. Yeah. So if we continue this tradition, then John will be the barbarian in Campaign 4, right? I guess so. Your fate has been decided. Hi, I'm Chris Damaris and I'm playing Gunther. He's a croak folk fighter.

fighter coke folk is a custom species of frog humanoids and he is two feet and maybe like 10 inches about 30 pounds we gotta have a little guy every campaign does he say he's three feet when he talks to other people just on his dating profile yeah think of like a yellow more of like a a

a light kind of darker brown yellow. A light darker brown yellow. Well, I'm thinking like... When you say that color, it makes me think of like Texas grass in the summer. Like where it's not green anymore. It's like starting to yellow and kind of dry out a bit. Yeah, the light dark brown yellow. Yeah. Well, Gus got it. I'm looking at my yard right now. So that may be part of it.

With some, you know, kind of like speckledy a little bit, you know, and he's got big frog eyes. He's clad in leather and he's got a cape with a hood that he sometimes wears. Croak folk aren't very common. So sometimes he'll put the cape on or the hood on and kind of wonder about. He's also got a sword and a shield. Yeah.

Weren't those Pokemon games? Sword and Shield? Yes, they were. Tolv would want to make Gunther feel special with Doug. So he'd be like, oh, look at those tall boys. All of us are very tall. So tall. Right, Gunther? There's a five foot difference between him and us. His catchphrase would be, hello, I'm Gunther. It's a pleasure to meet you. The perfect voice. Please remove your shoes. I shall kill you.

You've got the biggest voice out of the first three so far. There's a real discrepancy going on here. Did Tolvin Gunther switch voices? It sounds like Tolvin Gunther. Pleasure to meet you, Gunfo. Really glad everyone has names that I can say very easily.

Gunther, what a mighty shield you carry. Wow, it's so big. May I try it on? And I imagine it's really small on Cole's body. Bottle cap. Yeah. Like a knee guard. Yeah. Like something you would put on. Yeah.

Your detail about Gunther wearing a hood to blend in reeks of the Ninja Turtles wearing trench coats to blend in in New York City. It's like no one would notice the giant anthropomorphic turtle walking around who's wearing a fedora and a trench coat. Well, normally you want to ignore people wearing fedoras. As a former fedora trench coat wearer, I would want to say you probably want to normally ignore those people. Oh, Gus, were you the Austin Streaker of 89? No.

That's really how you get m'ladies. Yeah, yeah. With a fedora. Hi, I'm John Reisinger. Woo, John Reisinger!

I am this campaign playing Natty Wonder. Natty Wonder is a drow warlock. Oh. Natty has fluid pronouns. He, him, she, her, but often with Natty's preferred form of gender expression. Natty's in drag. Oh.

all the time. Natty loves drag just to make it easy for everybody. She's, she answers to she, her when she's in drag. Um, so I'll just be going with that, but either way is fine. It's all gravy to, uh, Natty who loves gravy because Natty's a good kind of a Southern looking girl. Ooh, I love it. And I love that the name is a pun. Yes. Yeah. Natty Wonder. Wait, what Natty? Do you want to explain it for Chris? Natty Wonder. Nat one. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

I should have let him start with it. I was thinking of the beer. No. Maddie Light. She's not Maddie Light. Yep. John loves beer. He named his character after a beer. It didn't make sense. I was like, why would you do that? You know me, always talking about a brewski. It's not even a good beer. No.

Natty is five foot zero. And in her drag, she's wearing like a giant blonde, curly, larger than life wig. She is wearing like high-waisted flare jeans that have rhinestones on them, white boots.

A gingham button-up shirt, gloves covered in rings, because that's just the level of audaciousness that she loves. Cool. Natty is always also seen with her son, who she'd be happy to introduce you to later on as we get into the campaign. Are we allowed to talk to him? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's always on like, she likes to take him around on a little, like those little toddler leashes that you see people with. I reach down and say, it's me, your uncle.

Yeah. Was there anything else that I need to tell about Natty? Your catchphrase. Zing us with that catchphrase, brother. Natty's catchphrase is, well, butter my biscuit. It'll be fine. Ooh, I like Natty Wander. Natty Wander.

You know what's going to be so hard for me is I have a tendency to like mirror people or like imitate people when I am enjoying what they sound like. I can't wait for your Doug southern accent. No, I'm going to like forget Doug's voice completely and just want to emulate like Tolv and Natty all the time because they're such thick accents and I love it. Same to Doug. So Natty's a draugr?

Drought Queen. Ladies and gentlemen, the first non-inspiration die of Campaign 3. Yeah, yeah. Hey, you better work. Yeah. You better work. Okay, I think it's time for us to all calm down, simmer down, everybody. Sashay away. We have fun here. This is a fun show. All right. Well, let's dive into it.

We used to know the gods.

They would descend from Hyra and dwell among us mortals on Midris. The world was showered with rich blessings and all felt the warmth of the Bright One, the sovereign god of sun. But one day, while the Bright One was sojourning on Midris, a fiendish creature called Infernus slinked out from the depths of Undar and stabbed the Bright One in the back.

with the Blade of Netherflames. The Bright One, God of Gods, the Shining Light of Hyrah, was slain. Half the world was instantly bathed in darkness.

But thankfully, the Pale One, God of Moon, pierced the blackness with his long bow of lunar light and cast the devil back into the bowels of Undar. To make sure such a tragedy never happened again, the gods returned to Hyra, and the Celestial Gates were sealed for a thousand years, henceforth known as the Day the Sun Stood Still.

We longingly wait for the day when the gates of Hyra are opened once more. But we aren't the only ones. For the past millennia, the Sun Slayer herself, Infernus, the Undarian Overlord, has amassed an army of devils and demons to storm the gates of Hyra above. Only one thing stands in their way. May the gods have mercy on Midris.

Val, that was a lot of lore. I hope you took notes. I did for once in my life. Oh my gosh. Three campaigns is all it took. You took notes, Blaine?

Yeah, the bright one, sovereign god of sun, was stabbed by Infernus. High Ra, low Ra. I got the gist of it. We're good. We can move on. Wow. It's like I heard all the lore twice there. Yeah, it's crazy. Word for word. Spark notes. Yeah.

Your lungs choke with a swath of sultry heat and smoke. You're in a vast, craggy cavern, perhaps underground, and it's peppered with stone ruins here and there. It should be pitch black if not for a molten river of lava oozing past you all nearby.

What are you doing standing around, you meat-headed maggots? Your gaze darts away from the lava to a short, mossy, stocky bog gnome. He's wearing a blue military uniform with a golden patch on either shoulder. His face is currently contorted with eyes bulging, mouth dripping with spittle, and a single thick vein throbbing in his forehead.

B team, the clock is ticking. You've got your mission. Go, go, go. You shove something in your hands and with stubby legs, he kicks all four of you towards the river of lava. Everyone roll initiative. Whoa. Oh my God. And just do a flat D20 roll for me, please. 12.

12. 11. John, we have to stop reaching like this. Wait, so this is without our modifiers? Yeah, just a straight d20. Okay, 7. Roll off. 16. 16. No. Stop it, you two. Stop, you are pulling my leg. 8. 17. Okay. Okay, so Natty before Tolv. So we got Natty. For you guys, we have Natty, Tolv, Gunther, and Doug. Okay.

You all look across the river of lava and on the other side, you see a fellow member of the military chained to a craggy rock. He's screaming and that's what draws your attention to him. And over him is Infernus, who seems to be torturing him, really, really working him over.

Wow. Between you and your comrade are a couple of Undarian minions who appear to be mocking you, waiting for you to come closer. Is this like the beginning of a Dark Souls game where I'm supposed to die right now by fighting the big boss in Furnace? Yeah. I was going to say, the person we're looking for right here. I was about to say, I was like, is that the name of the game?

I think we went to Blockbuster and got a game with a save file already. It's going to be a real short Campaign 3. Campaign 3, new game plus. It is actually the Undarian's turn. Then after the Undarian minions will be Natty and then Toph. Okay, so we are in combat. Yeah, and for this little scenario here, we're going to be playing like you all have

level zero stats. So no modifiers. Correct. No modifiers on your rolls. You're just going to be doing straight D20 rolls. I love it. Just a flat roll of the die so you can have your base normal movement speed and everyone's AC will be 10. Oh. Gus, I just want to make sure you understand by doing that, there's going to be no math. Are you okay with that? Oh.

I'll have to make do. I'm going to open the calculator app on my laptop and I'll just print some numbers while we're doing that. Yeah, and your HP is the maximum of your hit ducks. So for example, Doug, you have eight hit points. Gunther, you have 10. Natty, you have eight. And Tolv, you have 12. That's the point of being a Balbalian. Beefy. Between the four of you, I'll let you split it up.

as you like. You have a couple of items that the drill sergeant has shoved into your hands. Okay. You have a 50-foot rope, a torch, a tinderbox, and a water skin. I'll take the rope. Can I take the torch? I'll take the tinderbox. Okay. Also, do we really have to split these items up, or could, like, one of us just use them all in tandem? Right, we shall each cut the rope in two before we put these together.

Yeah, give them all to Natty and she's going to MacGyver this until I got a machine gun. Yeah, that's up to you. I assume you want to split them, but one person can have all of them if they want. I like splitting them. Guys, I have an idea with the torch. I've always wanted to go to the Olympics. You don't have your normal weapons. Like these are the only items you have. What about like spells that we are able to cast? Are those not functionally? Good question. For the moment, they are currently not available. Gotcha. No spells. Unless you find a scroll, for example. Okay.

Okay, so this is a team. We really got to use our secret weapon, the brains. Yeah, brains. Brains, and then some of us could use our brawn. Who's got brawn? I do not have a magic wand. Did you bring your brawn or your brains? Okay, let's see.

That's the last time anybody's gonna make fun of my accent. Don't make fun of Doug's speech impediment. No, I don't. I think that I think I love the way Doug speaks. That's why I want to mimic it. So does Doug. I feel like then from a meta perspective, splitting up the items would give everybody something to have in their hand to do something with. Yes. Probably. So then Gunther has the water skin. We gave the frog the water skin. I think that makes sense. Yeah.

Sure. Okay, it is the Undarian Minions' turn. And these are like small devilish looking creatures with red skin, spine tails, and gaunt wings. They're pointing at you all and cackling, muttering to themselves. So there are three of the minions. One of them stays behind with the soldier and with Infernus. And two of them fly up to the opposite bank of the river from where you are. And they're like beckoning you to come over. It is Natty's turn.

As you survey the scene in front of you, you hear the sergeant yell, true leaders protect their privates. Get out there and save him. Sir, yes, sir. Why are you not saving him right now? Oh, I don't, there's no need to yell. I'm going to need you to hold your britches for a second, sir. I'm on my way. So there is a lava river between us and the rock with our friend and Infernus. Is there any sort of land area

Masses for us to traverse the lava or is it a river of lava of some sort of length? It's pretty wide directly in front of you. But if you look, you know, you survey the scene in front of you and you look slightly to your left and you see the river of lava kind of narrows down and there's land not too far away with what looks to be maybe what was the remnants of a dilapidated foundation of a building that you think you could probably jump over to fairly easily. It's probably only a three, four foot jump.

And then the little Andarians that, you said they're flying. I think I caught you say that. Yeah, they have wings and they're kind of, the two that approach to you that are just in the side of the river are flying.

How far are the ones that are flying that approach me from me right now? From you in a straight, we're talking straight line over the river of lava, probably about 30 feet. Okay, so as the Undarian flies, it's about 40 feet. Yeah, and just for reference, it's Undarian. Undarian. Could I fashion a lasso out of the rope and attempt to grab an Undarian?

Ooh, I love this. I'd expect nothing less from you, cowgirl. Yeah, why not? Just roll me a d20 and tell me what the number is. 17. You decide you're going to try to fashion a lasso out of the rope. And Natty, have you done this before? Because it seems to come second nature to you. You know just the perfect knot, just the right amount of slack to put into the rope, and you easily build a lasso out of it.

I feel like with Natty's costume, it looks like she should have a lasso already attached to her belt. It feels like it just fits. Where I come from, if your mama didn't teach you how to do a proper knot and a rope, then your mama didn't teach you right. Ooh, yeah. Rootin' tootin'. Ha ha ha!

Just paint the picture for me. What do you want to do with this lasso? Yeah. Natty would get to the edge of the lava river as close as possible. If there's any advancement I can make to shorten the distance between me and the Undarian and then throw the lasso and try to get it around the Undarian. If I do, there's probably some stuff I try to do with that. Okay.

Okay, yeah. Also, Nani is just like humming to herself while she does this. I'll tell you what. As you are building the lasso and start spinning it over your head, your feet, you kind of stumble a little bit. And you look down and you see at your feet, for some reason, there's an auto harp.

Oh. Oh. A what? That's my auto harp, right? I don't know. Weird, right? Yeah. Okay. Well, I'd want to pick it up. Can I pick it up? Yeah. You can't just leave an auto harp on the ground next to a river of lava. No. Yeah. As this is happening, Doug goes over to Toll and Gunther and goes, why did you just see Natty summon an auto harp by spinning a rope? I didn't think that was possible. Very magical.

What is an auto harp? It's music. An auto harp is, imagine a harp that has a hard back, like a guitar, as opposed to a harp being see-through, like with just string that you can go through. And imagine it being small enough that I could hold it in my arms as I was hugging it and then playing it with my other hand and picking it almost like a banjo. Oh, cute. So it is a string instrument that is handheld. Neato. You can sometimes have little picks on your fingers.

to play it. I imagine her nails are long enough to be able to do that without picks. Oh, yes. Yeah, I pick it up one hand with auto harp, one hand holding a rope, swinging overhead, and I toss it at Undarion.

Okay, yeah, roll that d20. That looks like sick album cover, I must say. It is. Right next to a river of lava. Yeah, with a bunch of little demons. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a very different kind of country album. I need artwork of this immediately. This is so cool.

16 was my roll. Oh, really good rolls. I don't like it when the party does so well. I know, it's these dice. I love these dice. Your lasso closes around the closest Tundarian to you across the river, and it does, you know, fall a short distance to the ground under it, and it seems to be struggling to free itself.

Oh, by lassoing it, it fell a little bit? Yeah, it's no longer flying. It is now on the ground opposite the River of Lava. Oh, okay. If I have any action available left, can I pull it? Or am I done with my action? Sure, why not? Let's yes and this. Give it a tug and roll me a d20. It's, you know, it's fighting against you. Did you say give it a dog? No, give it a tug. Dog, it's not your turn yet. Okay, got it.

He's excited. I only rolled a four on that one, so I made you happy there, Gus. I'm gonna roll with disadvantage to oppose you because the Undarian is restrained. I rolled an 18 and a two. So you actually, even with the four, you succeed. Nice. Yeah, I guess with one hand on the harp, I guess I would just start like twirling.

to like rope it in. And I just say, come here, honey, give us a kiss. And pull it towards the lava. You pull the Undarian that's struggling into the lava, begins thrashing about. The Undarian screams and then vanishes beneath the river of lava. Okay. Then I would give like a whip of the rope to pull it back so it doesn't fully burn in the lava.

Got it. Okay. Is that it for Natty? Yeah. And then I play a little chord on my harp. Ooh, a little flourish. Yeah. I want to say that Doug looks absolutely in like bewilderment over what Natty Wonder just did. Yeah. Like if you picture those like sparkling anime eyes, that is what Doug looks like right now.

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Next, we have Tolv. Then after Tolv is Gunther. Tolv, it's your turn. The drill sergeant looks at Natty first and then says, Excellent maneuver! However, it takes way too long! You, Tolv, do it! Faster, faster, faster! Whistle

Okay, here we go. Yee-haw, Natty. Very good. You had mentioned that some of the Undarians were working their way towards us. Like, how far away are they? Are they within, like, melee distance, or are they all over the lava river? Forty feet, I think. Yeah, one is directly across the river of lava from you, which is 30 feet away, and then another one stayed further back within Furnace, and that's probably another 30 feet beyond that, so 60 feet total.

Okay. As you're looking at them, sizing them up, Tolv, you look down and see a Warhammer on the ground at your feet. Hey. Looky there. That's my favorite Warhammer. Okay, I pick it up. Did Natty do that too? Natty, you're so gifted. This is amazing. Okay. It's not a mace. It's a Warhammer. I kind of want to pull aggro. Okay.

And I feel like a great way to do that would be to distract them with the torch So I imagine if I'm not going to minute left son So I guess I would run to the lava river and Light the torch by dipping it into the fire Okay, and then I'd be waving around and then probably so that I can connect to them heading towards that like land bridge area sure

so that, A, I can start making my way so that I can cross over safely, but also see if I can get them to follow me down there with them. Yeah, trying to bait them into it. Jurassic Park road flare. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yoo-hoo! Follow me, Undarians! Do not look at friends, look at Tollfie! Is there anything else you want to do there, Tollf?

Can't rage, right? No. Okay. No, that is it. Is there any more goodies in the ground? Roll a d20. Okay. Five.

No, you don't find anything else. However, you hear a very loud whistle blow from the sergeant and he says, next! Gunther, you're up. Gunther, Infernus, and then done. Did any of the Undarians move to like follow or anything? No, it's not their turn yet, so they can't move. And there's that separation where the cabin is, you said, with the river. And then how far, how long is the distance to the river otherwise?

If you're going over there to the short area or just the area in front of you? Just area in front of me. It kind of has like an upside down U there. So right in front of you, maybe 10 feet. Okay.

Gunther looks down to see if there's also any magical things at his feet. Good call. Gunther, there's a rapier and a shield at your feet. Look at me. But they're normal size. Can you pick them up? Uh-oh. You hear the sergeant yell, quit looking at your feet, son. One minute left. All right. Gunther grabs the sword and shield and then...

-Try to jump across the river. -Whoa. -Oh, okay. Roll the d20. -Crook folk have an ability called standing leap. Their long jump is 25 feet and their high jump is 15 feet with or without a running start. I can use that once per short rest. -All right. Roll that d20. -I believe in you, Gunther. Go get them. -11. -Yes. It's dicey. You jump, but maybe there's a little bit of loose dirt under your feet and you barely manage to land securely on the other side.

And then how far, I guess that's 25, the full 25 feet or whatever. How far are the Undarians from me at this point? There's one right next to you. All right. Can I try and stab it? Yeah. Make an attack roll. Roll your d20. Two. Good start. Yeah, the Undarian sees it coming and, you know, definitely dodges out of the way, evading your attack and starts laughing. Ugly. Oh.

I failed you. I apologize. The sergeant blows his whistle. Next! Oh my God. But it's actually Infernus' turn, who's working over the other soldier on the other side of the river. Can I ask real quick? What does Infernus look like?

Just out of curiosity. Just want to know what we're angry at. I know. What if he's like very unintimidating? He's just a little guy. He's a chef. Infernus is a devilish humanoid with bloodshot red skin that glistens with a supernatural sheen. She towers over most creatures with vast leathery wings and a spiked tail.

Her fanged mouth drips with molten lava and her eyes are a deep blackness that matches only her blade of nether flames. She's pretty cool. Yeah, yeah. She looks over at you all but kind of disregards you, leans into the soldier she has held up and you hear her ask, Where is the key to Hyrus Gates?

And she's going to go ahead and make an attack. Well, actually, no, she's going to cast something. I'm going to roll a d20. Don't worry about it. Should we not? Ooh, a 10. The chained up soldier, his resolve seems to weaken. And you hear him feebly say, I don't know. I would tell you, but I don't know where it is. All right. Next, Doug. Okay.

Oh, okay. So... Two minutes, son! Two minutes? Our time went up, I think. That's great! Doug, you look down at your feet, following everyone else's lead, and you find something. You find a scroll. Ooh. A scroll. Could I pick it up? A scroll. Yeah, you pick it up. It's a scroll of Firebolt. Ooh. The most delicious food, the squirrel. Squirrel. Squirrel. Squirrel.

Well, based on my calculations, this seems like a bit of a simulation because we woke up and all of a sudden this is happening. Seems very unreal. But you know, I'll play a little game here.

- Game, go secure your private son. - Nadi, could I borrow that rope from you? - Sure honey. - Yeah, you get the rope. - Could I run over to where that little bridge is and try to cross it? - Yeah, just roll me a D20. - Okay. - The building? - Yeah, it's like a broken down building. - I'm gonna say 12. - Okay, yeah, you easily hop across.

- One minute. - Poison, I will save you. - Doug wants to take the rope and start swinging it and try to reach over to Infernus. - Okay. - And then I don't know if I need to make sure that that works before I try to cast my fire bolt. - What's the goal with the rope? - I wanna light it on fire. - Ooh. Okay, gotcha, yeah, roll a D20. - 15. - Okay, yeah, you tossed it out perfectly. - And essentially like I wanted to hook it around Infernus.

Sure. Not as elegant as Natty, but you get it done. Just always touching. Yeah. And then I want to cast fire bolts in that direction. So it also like attaches to the rope and goes around their neck. Very cool.

And what does Firebolt do? Firebolt hurl a mote of fire at a creature or object within range. Make a ranged spell attack against the target. On a hit, the target takes 1d10 fire damage. A flammable object hit by this spell ignites if it isn't being worn or carried, and the spell's damage increases by 1d10 when you reach 5th level. Oh.

Okay. Go ahead and make that ranged spell attack like it asked for. Eight. Oh, no, 18. Sorry. Oh, 18? Oh, yeah. I swear it was an 18. Yeah. Your firebolt flies true striking inferno.

Roll your damage. Seven. Seven points of damage. Infernus growls and looks in your direction, Doug. Kneel before the Undarian Overlord. And do I still have any movement left? We'll say you have 10 more. But they're still probably, what, 20 feet away from me? Something like that. Okay. Well, is the rope on fire? Yes, the rope has burst into flames. Okay, I want to pull it.

Okay. You are now pulling on a flaming rope. Is it attached to Infernus? Yes. Yeah, you did say that. Yeah. Make a straight, just make a d20 check. I'm going to roll an opposed d20. Four. Mm-hmm.

13. Yeah, Infernus digs her feet in and holds strong against you. And with that, the sergeant blows his whistle. Next! Oh, why? Oh, why? Who else? You know, as the whistle fades away, you can hear like a glurgling and a blurbling from the lava. And it seems like the lava river begins rising and expanding, slowly engulfing more of the land around it. A blurble-gurble to you, too. Ha ha ha.

Everyone make a dexterity saving throw. So let's roll a d20. Yeah.

Rolled it off my desk. Wow, you wouldn't believe it. I rolled a one. Eight. Eleven. So I believe Natty is the only one who succeeded. Natty, you see the river of lava expanding in time and you're able to step away from it. Everyone else, it kind of catches you by surprise and singes your feet and your boots a little bit. Everyone is going to take a little bit of damage from that.

That's seven points of fire damage. Oh. For all of us? Except Natty. Okay. Well, I'm at one HP, like, right now. All right. Nobody went down. Everybody's up? Yeah. Up and ready to go. How much is Gunther ready to go? Three ready to go. Three ready to go. Listen, all you need in life is one ready to go. Anything above that is extra. Well, then, consider me ready to go. Okay.

Take an inspiration dive for that, Doug. Hey. You're going to need it. Also, am I pronouncing that right? Inferness? Inferness. Inferness. Inferness. Inferness. Who I am imagining looks like Tim Curry in Legend. Oh, that's probably a good comp. Very scary. Just Google the darkness, children.

It's a 1980s Ridley Scott movie that no one saw. The soldier who's chained up begins screaming, you know, looking at you all. Help me, please. And then looks back at Infernus and says, I don't know where the key is. Okay, it's the minion's turn. We'll deal with the one that's closest to Gunther. I did not realize we were having Despicable Me crossover. Ha ha ha.

What are you doing here, little yellow creature? I hate it. I hate it. All of a sudden, Tolv takes more damage. Yeah, they're all going to focus on Tolv for some reason. That was the point of me holding the

Torch, good, come to me. That's right. Well, the one next to Gunther is going to take an attack on Gunther. It rears back with its claw like it's going to slash at you, but then at the last second it spins around and its scorching tail whips out in your direction. Oh, fake out. Impressive. It's AC.

Which I believe is a hit. Yeah, we're all 10. Because we're all 10, right? Well, we all have 10. All our AC is 10. Okay. Yeah, everyone's AC is 10. So that is a hit. Wait, with the shield? Oh, right. You have a shield now. So it's 11. Dang. You needed that. So it doesn't hit. No, it'd be 12. Shields are plus 2. Oh, to 12? I rolled a 10, right? 7 plus 3, 10. I rolled a 10. Okay. Yeah. So the tail lashes out.

at you and you would be toast. It would really get you, but you duck behind your shield and the point of the tail sticks into the shield and then he pulls it out. Oh. And hisses at you. There's one other Undarian who's up by Infernus and the soldier. I think they're going to see the dire straits that its friend is in. So it's going to

fly down and join the fray as well. I love that band. Doug's over there. Gunther's over there. Tolv and Natty are over there. Okay, I'm going to roll a d4. One and two, it goes after Doug. Three and four, it goes after Gunther. I really hope it doesn't go after Doug. That's a one. It goes after Doug.

Oh, shouldn't have said anything. It makes a beeline straight for Doug and winds up on attack with its claw and lashes out hitting AC. That's a 17, so it's AC 20, which I assume is a hit. Let me do some math real quick.

Okay, he'll let go. What's the damage? Oh, I thought she was waiting for her to do the math. No, we're all 10. We're all 10. Here it goes. Okay, so it slashes out, doing two points of slashing damage. Yeah, I'm down. Oh, Doug, we hardly near you. Barbara, do we go ahead and roll up a new character before your next turn? Oh, no.

Natty, it's your turn. All right, I'm now Elga Von Braff. The sergeant gets up in your face, Natty, and screams, you have two soldiers to save now. Go, go!

Oh, no. Oh, he wouldn't change. He wouldn't change. How far am I from Doug? Doug is directly across the river from you, but the river has risen a little bit. I'd say roughly Doug's probably 15 feet away. Is Doug across the river or on that fallen building? Doug is across the river. The fallen building kind of straddles the river, so Doug is on the other side. Okay, I can shorten this question. Can I reach Doug?

And actually, that building is kind of submerged now, too, since the river rose. If you jump across, you could reach Doug. I would like to jump across. Or, like, what do you mean reach? To get to Doug, to stabilize Doug. Okay. Yeah. What do you want to do? Make, like, a jump or something?

Yes, because I don't think there's anything else I can do. You kind of steel yourself getting ready to make this jump, Natty, and you look down, and wouldn't you know it, there's two scrolls at your feet. Ooh, I'm a reader. You pick up a scroll of Eldritch Blast as well as a scroll of Cure Wounds. Oh, well, which one should I use on Doug? Um.

Um, yeah, I want to jump to Doug. All right, roll a d20. It's like in a video game when you press the wrong button, so you just blast your teammate. Yeah, that's a 12. Okay, yeah, you jump across and land right by Doug. Yeah, I got to test to see if there's team damage. Ha!

I like to imagine Doug in his like half death state just sees this beautiful being just like soaring through the sky. Just jumping while playing her auto harp and just being like, help's on the way. Um, and, uh,

I try to do a, oh, I can, I was about to say I'll do a medicine check to stabilize, but I can do cure wounds. I'm gonna do cure wounds on this berry bug. I gotta look up cure wounds. Is it on your character sheet? That's not an ability I have. I think it's just a roll a D8. It's a scroll. That's a fatty five. All right, Doug, your eyes opened. When did you start laying down? Sorry, I must've, I guess I was sleepy and I took a nap. Am I okay? Understandable.

You hear Sergeant Steel I yell. Which one of you is the medic? You, Natty? I guess today I am. And then he blows his whistle. Next! Discord hates it when you scream. Pretty sure Micah will too when he's editing this episode.

Luckily, you can see it in the waveform. But yeah, my waveform peaks when I do that. I try to lean back a little bit from the mic, but it's still a lot. It's Toad and then Gunther. Who, me? Okay. So last I checked, I was over by that house. Am I on the other side, kind of close to where Douglas is? You guys keep saying house and cabin. Where are you getting this from?

It's a building, but yeah. Yeah, yeah. You're still on the side of the river you started on. You haven't crossed. The drill sergeant looks at you tall, gives you a soft kick in the butt, and says, What do I do with my slow privates? I kick my privates! And he kicks you again. How much damage? It sounds like it hurts. No, no damage. Masochistic. Uh...

Okay. I still want to pull aggro, but I think at this point Natty and Doug need my help. So I'm going to do it. I'm going to jump the river. There you go. Roll that d20. Okay, here we go.

SF15. Yeah, you easily jump across and you land next to Doug and Maddie. When I land, I don't quite believe it. My eyes are closed the whole time and oh, I made it, I survived. I think that was an earthquake. Oh, it's just hope.

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Gunther, you need help on that Undarian? I shall kill it or perish myself. Okie dokie. Then I fight the other Undarian. The one by you that took Doug down? Yeah, but before I do, I look at my feet and eat goodies. Oh, wouldn't you know it? It's like you have a sixth sense told. There's a shield and some javelins. Oh.

I got my shield. Okay. Well, then I'll equip that, so that's plus two to AC. And I guess I'll stow the torch for now, and I'll have my hammer and my shield, and I'm going to attack the Umdarian. Do it. Ooh, that's a two. Believe it or not, that doesn't hit. Ha ha ha. In the spirit of competition, I wish you luck. Good job on your dodge, friend. Ha ha ha.

Didn't expect that did you Gus? Take an inspiration die told that was really good. Can I use that for my bad attack? No no no. You got it because you missed. That's funny.

Gunther, go! All right. Gunther wants to take another stab at stabbing the Undarian. Wouldn't you know it? You want to do that, but you lose your footing for just a second as you realize you stumble over a hunting trap that's at your feet. Like I stumbled into a hunting trap. It's not set. Gunther is split in two. I'll pick that up, but continue my stab stab. Sure, go for it. Roll that d20.

That was a four. That's not enough. I shall Paris. I said before. I shall Paris. Oh, man. It's like watching Yoda on his bad day.

then yeah I guess that's that's it hey y'all whatever you do don't help Gunther he's got to learn this on his own he said something about doing it on his own yeah yeah yeah I will only encourage him you did your best Gunther you should be very proud I shall die without any honor that's the spirit laughing

It's not really listening. The lava is just like roaring and we can barely hear him. Yeah. Up next is Infernus. Then after Infernus is Doug. This will go well. I like the juxtaposition between the names Infernus and Doug. Doug. Infernus, you know, looks back at you all, scowls, and...

and leans over the chained up soldier, pulls out a blade, and brings it down on him. Oh no! I'm gonna get roll with advantage to attack because the soldier is restrained. A two and a six, really? Yes! You did your best, Infernous! You'll get them the next time! It's a plus seven to hit though with two plus seven, nine. I don't think that's a... Oh no, with advantage.

Six plus seven, 13. I'm pretty sure that's actually a hit. -Wanda, you have modified us in this simulation if we don't. -Yes, what the heck? -Yes, that hits. -Oh. -Infernus connects doing four points of damage to the private.

who begins screaming in agony. - Ah! - Keeps repeating, "I told you, I don't know where the key is." - I know where the key is. - Oh. - Oh, what a bold maneuver. Infernus' head whips around and her eyes narrow as she considers Gunther. - Oh, I won't tell you.

She's going to stay where she is for now, but she is looking directly at you now, Gunther. When she turned her head, was it like an owl where it's the body remains, but the head just goes whoosh? Not quite like that. Okay. That would be extra creepy. That would be very scary. I'm an already creepy person. Yeah. So that's it for Infernus. Doug, it's your turn. Could I see if I recognize this private? Oh, that's a really good question. Yeah, roll the d20.

19. Yeah, you recognize him. You think you met him before. And you remember his name. It's Private Parts. Jesus. Private Parts. The drill sergeant screams from across the river, Go save your private parts! Don't touch him unless you ask for consent first. We're working on it.

Do I know, like, from our training, essentially, like, if Infernus has any vulnerabilities? That's an excellent question. Roll me a d20.

Gus can be like, you remember, if you manage to cut her head off, she dies. Ooh. I rolled a 14. Bogue strat. You know, just, it's not necessarily from training, but just in general lore that Infernus is somewhat resistant to fire. Okay, I would assume, yeah, because probably some type of, like, demon thing. Yeah, no, no necessarily weaknesses that you know. And this is really early in your training. This is like, you all have not been training very long at all.

Clearly. But you look down at your feet, Doug, and you find a couple of things. You find a hand axe and some tools. Okay. Do you know what kind of tools I find? Just assorted wrenches and screwdrivers. Okay. Okay.

Gus sounds like me trying to name tools. It's like one of those little leather aprons that you put like a bunch of tools in. Do I still have the rope? It is on fire on the other end. Okay. Could I like kind of pull it in and like step on it so it like isn't on fire anymore? Sure. And then I don't know if I'm allowed to do this or if it's like a bonus action, but could I toss the rope to private parts?

He's pretty far, but you can roll a d20 to try that. I guess, could I get closer? Yeah, you got to stand up first, which takes half your movement. Then if you want to get closer, there is an Undarian still threatening you. So if you move beyond them, they will take an attack of opportunity on you. Oh, okay. Well, I'll just stand up for now. Okay. And then I'll try to just toss the rope to the private. Sure. Make a d20 or just roll a d20. 13? Yeah. You're able to toss it successfully to the private. Well, I will hold it this way.

Don't put it on your private parts, though. Just in your private parts hands. You see him struggle a little bit in the chains. And he does, you know, your throw was so true that, you know, he's able to easily grab it with his right hand.

Could I tell how he's chained up? Seems like he's chained to a rock. Both his ankles and his wrists independently are chained to the rock. Oh, like manacles. And we're just stretching him. Each wrist isn't chained to each other. Just each wrist is chained to the rock. That's what I mean. Like, is he like a spread eagled? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, he's flying squirrel in the rock. But he grabbed it with one of the hands. Right. He doesn't have a lot of movement, but you threw it good enough for him. I just imagine private parts like...

Literally being like, you know, manacle to this rock spread eagle and just grabbing the rope of my hand going, thanks. As there's like a sword in his side. Do I have like in the tools that I found any type of like lock pick or like wrench or like something small that might be able to pick a lock? Yeah, you found there are lock picks in there.

Okay, I don't know if this is going to work. I'm avoiding getting close. Could I tie one of the lockpicks to my end of the rope? Oh. And say, all I have to do is drag the rope in and you should have a lockpick. Oh, he begins nodding enthusiastically. He can't pull yet because it's not his turn. But yeah, he seems like he heard you and acknowledged. Infernus, cover your ears. Do not listen to this part. Ticket Furnace is distracted by the fog. Yeah. Next. Next.

And with that, you once again hear the blurbling and blurbling of the lava. And once again, it begins rising. Everyone make a dexterity saving throw. 14. That was a three this time. I also got a 14. I don't know if that makes it. I think I got something similar last time and I didn't make it. 11. Uh.

Well, luckily 14 does make it. Only Natty and Gunther both fail. - Oh no. - Cool. - Doug and Tolv are able to see the river rising in time and step away, closing the distance to Infernus. However, Natty and Gunther do take, ooh, 12 points of fire damage.

You guys are probably down, aren't you? I am down. Just a bit. Just a bit. Doug, this is not looking good for us. I feel so bad. Your prophecy came true, Gunther. I've died. Oh. Natty saved me and then I left her for lava bait. I feel so bad.

All right, with that, it's Private Parts' turn. He begins frantically pulling on the rope and manages to get the lockpicks over to him. I'm going to roll a d20 to see if he's able to successfully grab them since he's restrained. Come on, Private Parts, you can do it. He rolled a one. Okay, now...

Never mind. Can I give him my inspiration die? Unfortunately not. You can actually. Oh yeah, you can. That's right. Our comment section has been yelling at that at us for like a while now that you can gift inspiration dice. I would like to gift my inspiration die to private parts. Can you sign here, please?

All right. Private Parks is going to take that. I always forget. Thank you for reminding me. Do I get inspiration dice for remembering that? Sure. Go ahead and take one. Yes. It worked. This time he rolls a 19. There you go. That's much better, Private Parks.

I was really hoping he rolled a one again. I was fine either way. Yeah, so he manages with his right hand to grab onto the lockpicks, free up from the rope, and he begins trying to use it to free himself. I'm going to roll a d20 again to see if he's able to free himself.

18. Yeah. Let's go, Ployvipo. You are killing it, my friend. You're going to kill me? No, you're doing great. Keep it up. So he's now freed himself standing there next to Infernus. And now it is the Undarians turn. One is standing over Gunther where he fell and the other is there by Doug and Tolv and Natty where she is down.

The one over by Gunther is going to come over and support its friend by Tolv and Doug. Each of them is going to attack one of you. The first one takes a swipe. We'll do Doug, which is alphabetically. Natty healed me for five points. So does that mean I have six or is it like, would I go down to zero and then got five? Yeah, you went down to zero. So if she healed you for five, you're at five. Okay.

And the first one takes a swipe at you, Doug, with its claw, hitting a C11. Yeah, I would hit, because I'm a 10. No! All right. There's a lot of Doug to hit, so it's very easy to typically hit me. The claw slashes at the meaty part of Doug, doing two points of slashing damage. It slashed his butt?

The other Undarian minion closes onto Tolv and lashes out with its tail, hitting AC 11. Ooh, nukes very close, but no dice. I'm at 12, right? This is the same one that tried to attack Gunther earlier, and it hit Gunther's shield with the tail, and now it has happened again. The Undarian looks at its tail and curses at it.

My friend, you're having a bad day, but I promise it might get better. All right, we got Natty. Natty, roll a death saving throw.

- 18. - All right. - Let's go. - That's a positive. That's one good one. Tolv, you are up. - Okay. - And the sergeant once again whistles and says, "Two minutes, son, go!" - Oh goodness, okay. So that guy is close enough to me that if I were to run towards private parts, I would open myself to an attack of opportunity. - You would open to two because there's two right there. One by Doug and one by you. - Ooh, that's not good. Okay.

I feel like the point of this mission is to get that private out of there. Uh, so I'm going to take- oh, real quick, I'm gonna check my feet, you know the drill. Oh yeah, right. Thank you. Uh, let's see, Toll, uh, you check your feet and you find a scroll. Oh, what's this? It's a scroll of cure wounds. Scroll of cure wounds? Okay guys, seriously, who is littering all over the place? There is so much things. It's not good for the environment.

How far away am I? Is that a distance thing or do I need to be in a close proximity to the person that I would want to cast that on? You need to touch them, right? I believe you need to touch them, yes. Okay. I'm right by Natty if you want to throw it to me. Oh, that's a great idea. Good job, dog. Can I make a tiny paper plane out of my scroll and toss it over to my friend, dog? You all are pretty close to each other. I'd say you could just hand it to Doug. Okay, but I make origami origami.

anyways because it's very fun. Okay, you do that. Here you go, it's a crane. I'm waiting for feedback, any notes?

It's very beautiful. Thank you, my friend. I wish it looked more like an airplane. Tolv just hands over a crumpled piece of paper. Just two sides are just folded up. It's the crane. I am wearing mittens. It's very hard. Okay, and then even though I got these guys on me, I think I can kind of hold them back with my shield. I want to take one of my javelins and toss it at...

Infernus. Infernus? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Make that attack roll. Okay. I say, hey, Infernus, catch! 18. Oh, that hits.

Roll damage, dude. Oh, sorry. Oh my goodness. Blaine was waiting for Gus to do something and I'm like, dude, you roll damage. You did the hit. We haven't played D&D for so long. I was so caught up in the moment. I was very excited. Leave that blank space in there, Micah. Normally what happens in D&D is you roll an attack and if it's unsuccessful, you don't do anything. But if it's successful, you roll damage. That's new. That's news to me. Roll D6. Yeah, that's what it is. Okay.

Four! Ooh, yeah, the javelin flies to Infernus, hits her in the shoulder and sticking out. She pulls it out and turns her gaze from Gunther's body over to you and scowls. Oh, I scowl back. I give the meanest scowl I can summon. I like to imagine when Tolv scowls, he's still smiling like so big.

I can't help it. I'm just having a great day with my friends in the lava pits. Um, okay. I think that's pretty much all I can do because I don't want to have an attack at opportunity. Yeah, actually, the sergeant blows his whistle and you'll... Next! Ow! Doug, you are up. Is it not in Furnace's time?

Look at you. Yeah, you are correct. It is Infernus. I have my cursor on Infernus because I adjusted her for her hit points and I looked below it. It's hot dog. Look at you. Well, isn't it a great memory that requires maybe an inspiration guy that don't go... Not this time. We're fishing for so many inspo's. Being real liberal with them here in episode one. Papa, please. Infernus is going to fly straight to Gunther's body. Oh.

and begins looking through all of his belongings. I thought she was going to like eat Gunther or something. Fried toad. Can I speak? No, I think I normally give it to you, but I think, yeah, once you're down, you can't speak at all. Yeah, she goes through all your pockets and does not find the key. All shall fear me.

the Sun Slayer. And tosses your body into the river of lava. Oh! Oh!

I give a thumbs up as I go down. You take another 12 points of fire damage. What does that do? Am I dead? Yeah, you, Gunther, disappears beneath the river of lava. This is the saddest game of Frogger I have ever witnessed. I think you mean Waggo. Yes. Doug, it's your turn. Okay, so obviously, God, we paid a favor.

and cast Kill Wounds on my friend here, Natty. Not Gunther? I think it might be a little too late. And it's a touch spell, so Doug would have to reach into the lava. Ow. Roll the d8 for me. It's only a four, but... I'll take it. It's enough. Four, then zero.

There you go. And then I guess that's probably the only thing I could do. Well, what else? Do you have any other ideas? Movement would do attack of opportunities, so it'd have to be like a bonus action. Well, did I find anything else by my feet? I guess I should have asked. No, that's it. Yeah, you look around your feet and you don't find anything this time. You'll have cleaned up all the litter. Okay. And previously you said I had a hand axe that I found, right? Correct. Okay. Could I swing my hand axe at the Undarian? Sure. 13. Yeah, it connects. Cool.

And that would do... It's a d6. Six. Ooh. Yeah, you pull out your handaxe. Yeah, and you strike true with it right between the eyes of the Undarian and it falls to the ground, unmoving. Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm sure you were a nice person amongst your group of friends. That's gruesome. We lost two friends today, Gunther and this unnamed Undarian. Rest in peace.

Just for some also lore, Doug doesn't like killing. He'll do it if he needs to, but he doesn't like it. I'm really loving Doug. This is great. Doug, you're in the wrong career. Yeah, line of work. I do what must be done. That's it for Doug? Yeah. I hear the sergeant yell, excellent work, Doug. Thank you, sir.

Are we waiting on a curve at all? As you ask that question, the ground begins shaking and the lava begins rising yet again. God dang it. Everyone roll a dexterity saving throw. Man, I need this. 16. Wee.

I rolled a nine, but I might have to do an inspiration. Do I know if I failed that? I think you did. That's not a good roll. I'll say that. Okay. I give my inspo to Doug. Oh, you don't have to do that. I rolled a 10 now. You're going to be on the ground if I don't. I know that's true. So are you giving me your inspiration, Doug? Yeah, because I rolled a 16. I think that... Yeah. And after your second roll, that was a 10 there, Blaine? Yeah. I rolled a 20. Nat! First Nat! Wow. Congrats, everybody!

That's the sound of champagne. But it's alcohol free because we're family friendly here.

You can still say alcohol. No, bleep that out, Micah. Our entire first campaign was led with alcoholic drinks at the top. I forgot about that. Probably all of the alcohol. So it's fitting. You should do some kind of celebration because you're about to go down tolls as you take nine points of fire damage from the lava that rises. Oh, yeah. Oh, no. You're in good company.

I'm coming for you, Gunther! Did you guys hear that? I dive. Like otters floating in the river, you, your body, and Gunther's body hold hands. All right, it's Private Parts' turn. Private Parts makes a beeline, tries to run over to you, Doug and Natty. Beeline to the bee team? Yeah. Private Parts joins both of you.

Natty and Doug. Sorry, I have to pause because I have to remember your new name. Yeah, I mean, it's the first episode. And he approaches you all and puts his arms around each of you and gives you both a big hug. Oh, thank you. I thought I was a goner for sure. We got you, Mr. Parts. What's your first name, by the way? Private. Private Private Parts. Private Private Parts. I'm going to have to have a talk with your parents. That's unfortunate.

And with that, there's a loud "KATUNK" you hear, and then a "FOOSH" and the sweltering heat and smoke subsides. The craggy cavern melts away and all the lava vanishes into thin air. What's left is a barren warehouse made of iron.

Instead of Undarians, you see four young humans in blue military uniforms dusting themselves off, as well as the stout halfling Private Parts, who has sweat so much that his uniform is significantly darker blue than everyone else's. He's hugging us. The bog gnome Drill Sergeant steps forward to address you all.

Well, I can honestly say in the 30 years I've been training recruits, I've never seen a team quite like yours. Not saying that's a good thing. You have a lot, and I mean a lot, of rough spots to iron out. But I might see a minuscule possibility of slight potential in you four.

One of the young humans steps forward with a furrowed brow that quickly changes to a cheerful smile. His green eyes furtively scan you four. I don't know, Drill Sergeant Steeli. They seemed all over the place to me. Rookie moves all the way through. And talk about rusty and/or non-existent armaments. I don't think the Mortallian material- Did I ask you for your opinion, Private Lassig? Well, no, but- I think you mean "no, sir!" Or did you recently get promoted to lieutenant?

Private Lastic straightens up at attention. "No, sir." "Then get back in formation with A-Team until I say otherwise!" Lastic salutes the sergeant and marches back to the other privates, but his eyes stare daggers at you four.

The other three humans chuckle to themselves and one says, Classic, classic. Am I right? Shut it, miss. What were you even doing out there? What are you talking about? It was brutal out there. A-Team continues to bicker amongst themselves. Sergeant Steel Eye rolls his eyes. Brutal. Anyway, as I was saying, I might be able to mold you four into something actually useful on the battlefield, but first I'm gonna break you down into tiny pocket-sized pieces and

and then I'll grind you into a pathetic powder, and then I'll smash you to smithereens till there's no semblance of you left. But... Technically, Gunther is already... Shut up, you! Okay, sorry! If you survive all that, maybe, just maybe, you'll actually be soldiers. Welcome to Mortallion Boot Camp. B-team? Or should I say, Brutality? Brutality?

Oh, that's pretty cool. I have dishonored my family and my team. I am sorry. That's it for this episode. Find out what happens to the Brutality team in the next episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon. We'll be back next week with an episode of Second Wind to talk about, you know, this episode about Campaign 3 and

And, you know, we can definitely address how the gloves are off for player character deaths. And we're going to talk a little bit about how death works for Campaign 3 in next week's second win. So make sure you check that out over on our Patreon, patreon.com slash stinky dragon. All Patreon members get access to that. Until next time, stay stinky, friends. New campaign! Support us on Patreon. It's really the only way we can make this show. So keep supporting us.

Yay, please. We need it. Toodaloo. Bye. Also, what was so great on that test? Yeah.

New episodes of Tales from the Stinky Dragon premiere every other Wednesday anywhere you stream podcasts and on the Tales from the Stinky Dragon YouTube channel. Want to listen to the show 48 hours early and ad-free? Become a patron at patreon.com slash stinky dragon or become a member of Beacon at beacon.tv. Both memberships support the show and receive access to our exclusive bonus series Second Wind and a member-only Discord for their designated platform. Become a patron, you get access to more exclusive bonus content, Stinky Dragon community, and Discord events, and you get your name shouted out just

Just like this! Oblivion, aka Don Borutz, Jeeks Flavingo, Hannah Morton, Ahoy, Bat-One, and David Spradley. Patrons that interact with us on the Steak & Dragon Discord had NPCs named after them in this episode, like Drill Sergeant Steelye, named by SergeantSteel82. Wonder where he got that name. Private Classic Lastic, named by Dirk, voiced by Kerry Shawcross, at Kerry Shawcross. Check him out on Twitch.

Private Mess Mestra, named by Creative, voiced by Ash Oulette, at F-A-F-N-Y-R-R. Private Private Parts is voiced by Ben Ernst, at Halcyon underscore Ben. This week's Arrow question was submitted by GhostGamer5210. This episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon was produced by Ben Ernst, written, edited, and composed by Michael Reisinger, with additional editing work by Catherine Arnold. Tune in next time for another thrilling episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon. Forget you not of who you be.

The lady barman of three. Your soul's entwined with worlds untold. Fine hubris is planned on.