how to take your POWER back after a breakup 33:25

Welcome to date yourself instead. Date yourself instead? What does it mean to date yourself instead? I'm just gonna learn how to love myself and that's it.

Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of Date Yourself Instead. If you are loving the podcast so far, I would so appreciate a review. They keep the podcast up and running and I've been loving reading the reviews. It makes my day. Even if you have constructive feedback, send me a DM on Instagram and I am happy to take any feedback. And if you have any ideas or

or topics you want to hear for future episodes, you could also DM me those as well. Okay, so this is going to be a really good episode because it's something that was highly requested and it's something that I needed at the time that I was going through my breakup. So I'm really excited to get into this topic today.

This is going to be about taking your power back after a breakup, okay? Going through a breakup is so hard, especially if the person you love just walked away and you didn't expect it to happen. If you're the one who got broken up with, it can be excruciatingly painful, right?

And I've been there before, okay? And I've dealt with this type of pain and I do not wish this pain on my worst enemy. Like a broken heart is one of the most terrifying pains that I've ever had to go through. And this isn't to scare anyone if you haven't been broken up with before. I really do believe these experiences shape you and mold you and change you.

and make you stronger and make you a better, more resilient human being. So there's nothing really to be afraid of. But when you're actually going through it for the first time or the second time or the third time,

because I've been through this more than once, it can really shake you up and it can really make you feel powerless and it can make you feel weak and like you failed and like there's something wrong with you and like you did something wrong and it's your fault. It ended. Like there's so many emotions that can hit you all at once and go through your head and I

It's just so important to be patient with yourself at this time. If you're currently going through a really painful situation or a really bad and messy breakup, it's really important to try to center yourself and stay patient with yourself during this time because it could be a lot of ups and downs emotionally. It could be a rollercoaster of emotions for a little while until you take your power back and learn how to ground yourself. And I think that's really important.

And this is all okay. This is all human. We all go through things like this. So if you're currently in a messy state of mind, don't beat yourself up about it. It happens and I've been there as well. So this episode is really going to cover how to take your power back in the best ways that I can communicate this.

I struggled with taking my power back after my last breakup because it just really defeated me. I felt so lost without this person for a very long time. I felt like I had lost my identity and I felt super weak and out of my element for months. And I would read all these self-help books. I would listen to these podcasts. I would talk to my friends and...

everything in my power to heal. And it just felt like nothing was really clicking for me. And the one thing that did really work was being patient with myself and giving it time. I know it's so cliche, time heals all wounds, but time and really just working towards healing and doing everything you can to

It does work, but it also does take time. And it's not going to always happen overnight where you just wake up one day and you're completely over it and you're like completely done with everything that happened between you and this other person. Because if there's a long history there, it could take a little time just to let go of that and, you know, unpack that and, you

Sometimes you have to sit with the pain. As much as that sucks, sometimes you just have to sit with it and process it until you're ready to fully let it go. And that's totally okay.

So, if your friends and your family are also around you saying, oh, you know, it's been months, you should just get over this, like, this person wasn't good for you, you know it wasn't ever going to work out. If you're hearing things like that right now, I know that's not helpful because when I was going through my breakup, people were always saying, you know, get over it, he's not worthy of you, he's not worth your time, and I was just like...

Okay, but that's not helping me feel better because I know all those things, obviously. Like consciously, I'm aware that this wasn't the right person for me, but it's still not making the hurt go away. Okay.

And you just don't want to hear people's feedback when you're going through things like this. I totally get it. So when you're ready to take your power back, this episode is for you because you have to be ready for it. You have to want to take your power back and claim your power back from a bad breakup. And if you want to claim your power back, we're going to get into everything that I did to do so right now. So let's dive right in.

So how do you deal with being broken up with and taking your power back after a bad breakup? The biggest thing I will say straight off the bat is going no contact. Going no contact is definitely one of the hardest things in the world, especially if you're so used to talking to this person every single day. They felt like they were your best friend.

They were there for you in other hard times and you supported each other through a lot of other things and you had a really what you thought was a good relationship for the most part. If you considered this person a really big part of your life, going no contact obviously feels impossible. It feels like how am I supposed to survive without this person? How am I actually going to be okay? Because I could tell myself I'm okay. I could tell my family and friends I'm okay. I could tell my family and friends I'm okay.

And pretend I'm okay, but how the fuck am I actually going to be okay? Because it fucking hurts and it hurts so badly. And the thing with no contact and what I've personally felt is that it just kind of

allows you to sit with everything and kind of like reorganize your thoughts and start to take your power back by just having your thoughts to yourself. You're not mixing your confused and painful like feelings and emotions and energy with the other persons. You're not having those opportunities to kind of go back and forth in a toxic way and say like, well, why did this have to happen? Like, do you love me anymore? Like,

Why are we breaking up? There's so many questions and things you could talk about with this person that can ultimately in the long term make things harder and make things more complicated and more confusing. If you've officially broken up, no contact is a really effective way to start to claim your power back because you're going to have a lot more time to yourself to process everything, to work on yourself, and to really start the healing process.

I know you want to tell this person every little piece of your day. Like I get it. I have been there. I understand why you would feel that way and why you feel like there's probably no one else you want to tell these things to, but it's just not going to benefit you in the short term because you have to focus on getting yourself to a place of resilience where you are not depending on this person anymore to make you feel good, to make you happy and to, um,

communicate with because at the end of the day if the relationship is not going to work out and

it's not healthy to keep it going. Because if you still have those energy ties attached to this person, it's going to make it harder and harder and harder to let go in the long term. This is really especially hard when you were in a semi-healthy relationship because if there's a lot of good in the relationship, it's almost easy to say, well, it's not so bad if we keep talking. It's really not a big deal because this person is still like a close friend of mine and they're

nothing really terrible happened. Like I totally understand that feeling because my last relationship was not completely toxic. There was a lot of good to it. So it's easy to kind of justify why you'd still keep in touch. But if you're really making that conscious decision to end things, you need to end things in the right way. It's really hard to let go and completely heal when you're still holding on and communicating with this person.

This also really applies more than anything if you're in a relationship that was physically, mentally, emotionally abusive. Number one, obviously you do not deserve that treatment and you deserve so much better. But number two is like you cannot trust this person to be a reliable person ever. Like regardless if it's in the past, present or future, this should be done.

And if you're still communicating with them, you are not helping yourself. You're neglecting your power. And even if it doesn't feel like it right now, you are very powerful. You're a very powerful person, whether it feels like it right now or not. And that's why this person also tried to get a hold on you in the first place. Like if you were in a very toxic relationship with a lot of power struggles where it was always going back and forth and like fighting and super emotionally abusive, you're

It could be easy for you to fall into the trap of feeling weak because this person is always trying to get a hold of you. If they feel like you're slipping away, they'll try to reel you in and text you again and call you again and try to take you and your power away from you. But you have to stand your ground and understand that you are powerful and you have the power here. And it's important for you to step into your power, especially if the relationship was super strong.

toxic because you don't want to go down a road of being with someone who could really hurt you in so many different ways and you're never going to get what you deserve out of that person. You deserve so much better and you deserve someone that actually

loves you unconditionally and cares about you and treats you like a fucking queen. So if you're in a really toxic situation right now and you're still in contact with this person, I strongly suggest you do everything you can to go no contact. Okay, also a brief intermission. There is a loud and noisy truck outside. The studio is obviously in New York City and New York City is extremely loud. And I don't know if the studio is completely soundproof because...

I don't know. It just seems really, really loud behind me. So if you hear loud truck noises, I deeply apologize. That wasn't planned for this episode. So...

I just wanted to make a note of that. But anyways, let's get into the second thing you need to do in order to take your power back. This sounds kind of simple, but it really is true. Meditation first thing in the morning. It doesn't matter if you do it for 5, 10, 15 minutes a day. I truly believe that when you wake up and immediately focus on centering yourself and your energy, you're

It does wonders for your brain and for your mental health and for your overall peace. And I used to put off meditating because I didn't really think it was going to be that effective for me. I was always just kind of like, this is silly. This isn't really going to help me. I'm in the worst pain of my entire life. And there's no way meditating for five or 10 minutes every morning is going to change that.

But the truth is there are so many studies that have proven that meditation, when you wake up first thing in the morning, actually changes your brain waves and the actual state of your brain. I don't really know the specifics and the science behind it in detail, but I have listened to and read a lot of things about this. And

I noticed when I kept a consistent routine meditating, this actually really did make me feel better. It was a process. It's like you have to kind of condition yourself to do pretty much any new thing or any new habit. And it could be really annoying at first. Like I felt like it was a burden to go and meditate first thing in the morning for the first week.

few weeks I was doing it. I didn't like it. I was super antsy, super anxious, and I just didn't want to sit down and fucking do it. I was like, this is not helping me at all.

But over time, I realized when I wasn't doing it and I had skipped a day or skipped a couple days, I would get increasingly more sad. Like I noticed the difference between my mental state when I was doing it and when I wasn't. And then I started to realize that it was actually effective and it was actually working.

So I definitely recommend trying to get into some sort of meditating routine in the morning, even if it's five minutes, like five extra minutes in the morning before you really start your day. You could literally do this in bed, laying down while you're opening your eyes. I usually go on YouTube and I'll search like,

Morning meditation. I love Dr. Joe Dispenza. He's one of my favorites. I'll YouTube someone like him or I'll find a new one and I always try to change it up to make it a little more interesting or I'll use Spotify and try to find some morning meditations on there.

It's whatever works for you. It's whoever's voice resonates with you. Sometimes, like if you listen to certain meditations, maybe that person isn't resonating with you. So try to find someone that does and that you feel like you can connect with during the meditation. And it really is super helpful. And it's also...

way healthier than waking up and scrolling on your phone and stalking your ex or stalking the person that you broke up with or trying to figure out what they did the night before. Like way healthier option to meditate than to be doing that. And I noticed that

When I went no contact, to tie this into the first point, and I actually removed my ex from all social media and I started meditating, those two things combined made my life so much easier and so much more peaceful. And I was able to really feel more powerful and centered and really take my power back.

Once again, this did not happen overnight. This wasn't an overnight revelation where I woke up and I was like, oh my God, I'm this powerful boss woman and I don't care about the relationship anymore. I'm over it. It wasn't like that, obviously. But by meditating every single morning and really trying to center my energy every single morning, whether I really wanted to or not,

and going no contact and not looking at my ex's social media, not wondering what he was up to, removing him from everything and going no contact. It was an amazing combination to start the healing process, to make me feel better, and to make me feel more empowered. And it came with a lot of stress. It came with a lot of hardship and anxiety. And I'm not going to say it was easy or it changed my life in two seconds.

But once you make a habit out of it and you do these things consistently, that's when you start to slowly build your power back. I think it's easy to also assume that taking your power back is going to happen really quickly. And you get really hard on yourself when you feel like you're not healing as fast as you would like to, especially if you see that other person thriving or you hear through friends like,

Oh, you know, so-and-so, like your ex, is going out every night and they're partying and they're living their best life and they seem really happy and fine. That can really sting when you're going through a painful breakup and you're not okay. And if you hear that the other person seems to be doing fine, can really set you back and make you feel like there's something wrong with you and that...

you did something wrong and the relationship and the ending was maybe like something that had to do with you and there was something wrong with you. Like there's so many emotions you could feel based on the other person's actions. So that's why I'm saying the no contact thing and not really knowing what they're doing and what they're up to is so important. And also just remember this, true healing, I've said this on my TikTok before,

True healing is not what that person's doing. If you're going out and clubbing and getting wasted and trashed every night to numb your emotions, obviously if you're doing that to have a good time once in a while, that's totally different. But what I'm saying is if you go through a bad breakup and you're numbing the pain away with drugs and alcohol, that is not true healing. Those emotions and those feelings are eventually going to bubble up to the surface and catch up to that person.

no matter what, it could be in six months down the road, it could be in two years down the road. But if that person is using

All these external things to numb the pain and not deal with the emotions now, that's not true healing. If you're laying in bed crying yourself to sleep every night and really sad and heartbroken over your breakup and the other person's going out, you're actually in a better place than they are. That's my perspective. This is my opinion, but I truly really do believe this.

I believe that you're in a better position than they are because you are actually dealing with the pain and dealing with the emotions. You are actually facing these feelings head on and you're dealing with it in real time. And you're learning how to build your strength and take your power back through dealing with the pain and by letting it all out now. And there's nothing wrong with you for doing that. It's a beautiful thing to face these emotions head on and deal with it in real time.

Because you're going to heal in the right way. And eventually when you're done healing, you're going to find someone that is so much better for you and so much healthier for you. And you're going to look back and be so grateful and so thankful that you went through the pain. Another really effective thing I think in taking your power back is asking.

really investing in yourself and learning new things, taking up a new hobby and changing up your routine, doing something just different that you normally wouldn't have done when you were with this person. It's kind of like creating a new identity for yourself, like a new, stronger, more powerful person, like always.

Who would that person be to you? If you want to make a list and write these things down and just write some qualities you would want to see in your future self down and become that person, it becomes like this exciting new chapter of your life where you're

You start to think of all the things that this person kind of held you back from. If you really start to think about it, what did this person hold you back from? What did this person not allow you to do that you wanted to do but you couldn't because you were...

In a relationship that wasn't healthy for you. I mean this might not apply to every single person that's listening to this right now But I know for me when I was in a really toxic relationship. I felt kind of trapped in a way By myself, I couldn't be my full self with this person constantly around kind of controlling my emotions and

I don't really know how to fully explain it unless you've been through it. So I don't know if this is going to resonate with anyone, but...

I just felt like I couldn't be my best and truest self with this person's energy constantly around me. It felt like I was constantly suffocating and it felt like I wasn't able to truly express myself and honor myself and be the most powerful version of myself with this person in my life. And it wasn't necessarily because they were deliberately trying to do anything to control me or they weren't super abusive. It was just the relationship dynamic made me feel like I wasn't truly...

in my element and it didn't always make me feel safe. I always felt like I was on edge and anxious and worried about something, stressed about something. It just always felt like I wasn't able to be a powerful person because the dynamic of the relationship and the energy of it was just constantly off and feeling really off.

So when I wasn't with this person, I started to write down a list of all the things that made me feel powerful, made me feel good and activities that I never got around to. Things that I love that he didn't or things that I was really interested in that I just simply never took action on. For example, this podcast. I never would have created this podcast if I hadn't gone through the breakup.

I had wanted to create a podcast for so long and it just never really, for some reason, I was just in such a comfort place with not really doing anything new or exciting because I was with this person. And when I got out of the relationship, I immediately started to take more action into doing the things that I really was passionate about that I never got around to.

When you are alone, the benefits of it can be really amazing if you look at it in this perspective of just knowing that you have so much more free time to yourself. It's such a beautiful thing to know that you have more energy to put towards yourself and to create the life that you want and the future of your dreams instead of getting hung up on someone that's

that wasn't right for you or didn't care about you in the way that you needed them to care about you. It can take up a lot of your time and energy and drain the fucking life out of you when you're with the wrong person. And I think once you decide to separate and you go no contact and you start to do these healing meditation practices, and then you start to focus on building your dreams and the life you really want to create for yourself,

Aside from being with your soulmate, what do you want to achieve in your life? What things haven't you got around to yet? What are some of your goals for the next three years? It can be fun and exciting to plan the next few years of your life and create this vision board and roadmap of what you want your future to look like.

And when I did this, I made this whole vision board of exactly like the person that I wanted to become and all the things that I wanted to achieve and accomplish. One of them was buying a really luxury apartment in Manhattan because Manhattan always feels like home to me no matter where I travel to. I'm from New York and I just love the city and I love all the things it has to offer. And one of my biggest goals was

which I hope to accomplish in the near future, is to buy a really luxury apartment for myself. And I don't want to have to depend on anyone else for that. I want to work for it myself. I want to make my money myself and build something

my career up to a point where I can afford something like that. And with a toxic relationship playing into my life and like being a part of my life and my day-to-day and giving me constant anxiety and making me feel literally physically sick every day, I couldn't, there's no way I could even envision myself getting to that goal because it was holding me back

so much and keeping my energy in a really negative place. And I wasn't able to like manifest properly or do anything that was going to help me work towards those goals. And I think once you're out of that toxic cloud and you have a moment to breathe and you're finally on your own, yes. Is it going to hurt? And is it hard? And is it isolating at first?

because this person was such a huge part of your life, of course, like it's going to fucking suck in the beginning. It hurts. But there's another like light at the end of the tunnel where it's like, oh my God, I'm finally on my own and I'm able to actually step into my power and focus on the things that make me happy and make me who I am. And this

This relationship was kind of preventing me from doing that, but now I can actually go and focus on that. That's so amazing. And if you really focus on it from that perspective and you focus on the breakup from that perspective and that angle, it can make it a little easier for you to want to step into your power and make you feel stronger and more determined and more like...

Just about you. Dating yourself is just so important during this time in your life. It doesn't matter what age you are either. If you are just going through something like this and you feel powerless and weak, just

And I think that's a really important thing to think about.

And the thought of like my future self yelling at me being like, you are so fucking amazing and so powerful and so independent and you don't need him to be that person. Like you don't need him to be the successful, amazing person that you are. And once you try to like focus on that more than the latter, like it really does help.

So I don't know if I just went off on a total rant here and a total ramble, but I'm just really passionate about making sure other people understand their worth and their value. And it can be so easy to lose sight of that when you were in a toxic relationship because I've been there and I know that I have so much to offer. But at the same time, when I was with the wrong person and in a really toxic place,

I felt powerless and I felt like I had nothing to offer, contribute to society. Like I'm not even being dramatic. I just always felt like

I couldn't do anything with my life. And it wasn't because I really believed that. It was just because I was in a really toxic situation and it really weighed me down. I want to make a part two of this episode, but I'm going to touch on one last thing about taking your power back. And that is something that I personally think is something that really helped me just stepping out of my environment temporarily, whether even if it's two days, whether

or a week, just like it could be a short amount of time, but just planning a trip for you outside of your environment. If you were with this person, obviously if you're super young and you cannot travel alone or you don't want to travel alone, because I know traveling alone can be a little intimidating and a little bit scary, but if you have an opportunity, even with a

a friend or like a really close family member, if you have someone to go with somewhere just to get out of your element and your typical environment just for a little while, it could even be a day trip, okay? Take a road trip somewhere for the day that you normally wouldn't go. Somewhere new, just to shake up your environment and shake up your brain a little bit to surround yourself with new stimulation and a little bit of a new experience.

I just noticed when I got out of the city, when I was going through like the worst of my breakup and I was in excruciating mental pain,

The reason I traveled and the reason I talk so openly about solo travel is because it really changes you and it changes the way your brain operates and it makes you feel, yes, a little uncomfortable, it's a little bit scary in the beginning, but it pushes you to experience something different and something new every single time. And every single time I've actually done a solo trip, I've learned so many new things in each experience.

Keep in mind also, I was a travel blogger for many years before I was doing all this dating stuff in the podcast. So I've had a lot of experience under my belt with like how to travel, where to go, places to go. I would love to make more episodes about this if there's any interest.

But if you're scared or you're not really sure how to do that by yourself, that's totally fine too. And if you have a partner or a friend or someone to go with, like go. Just change up your environment to stimulate your brain, get a new experience for the day, and just go.

Do new things to make yourself break out of your normal habits and routines. Like just breaking out of your normal day-to-day routine and doing things you wouldn't have normally done if you were still with this person can really help change your mental state. And I don't know. I just remember when I was out of the city, I felt a little lighter. Even though I was still hurting and I was still in a lot of pain, I just...

felt lighter and I felt like I could think more clearly because I had a new perspective and like a fresh, it felt like a fresh start for the time being that I was in a new place. And this doesn't have to be an extravagant, expensive trip. As I said, you can go on a road trip with a friend and just drive in the car and vent out and talk and

go grab some snacks and hit the road and like take a day trip somewhere, wherever you can go just to change up your normal routine.

I think just breaking out of your environment and getting yourself out of bed and forcing yourself to leave the house if you're going through a really dark time in your life is so helpful. And sometimes when you're going through it, I know the last thing you want to do is move and you don't want to do anything and you have no desire to push yourself to go anywhere.

But once in a while, it is really healthy and it is really effective and it is okay to be happy again. It is okay to be happy again. As much as you feel like you can't be happy without this other person, allow yourself to at least try. Allow yourself to at least be open to the idea of happiness without them because you were happy before you met this person. And I know it sucks to hear people

But you can be fine without them. And I know that's like such annoying advice. And when I heard people telling me that when I was going through my breakup, I was like, shut up. Like, no, you don't understand. You don't understand the connection we had. You don't understand what I'm dealing with right now. Like this person was my soulmate and I'm literally never going to find anyone better. Like,

I would say all these things, okay? I know what that feels like to a T, but looking back, I realized that everyone was right, but I needed to understand that they were right on my timing. I didn't want to believe anyone that they were right in that state of mind that I was in. So if you're currently listening to this podcast episode right now and you're like, okay, whatever, like

She's not really helping me right now, but like, whatever. I don't know. I don't even know what I'm saying at this point. If you just feel like you're not ready to take on this information and you're not ready to, you know, put this into action where you're like ready to take your power back, that's totally fine too. Like, don't feel the pressure to, you know, heal on,

Yeah.

All I'm here for is to just guide you and help you a little bit. That's all I'm here for. And if you're not ready to like completely move forward and like take your power back in this moment, that's okay too. Like just be patient with yourself, as I mentioned in the beginning of this episode, and just understand that it's okay no matter what phase you're in of your healing process, it's totally okay. And eventually just trust that you will be okay. Like that's the biggest thing.

thing that I want you to take away from this is that eventually you will actually be okay. Even though that's once again, like it's just so annoying to hear in the moment if you're not okay, but I promise you that you actually will be. And I think that concludes today's episode.

Thank you so much for listening. I hope I've been helping you guys, whether you're going through a healing process, going through a breakup right now, or you're just looking for some extra inspiration. I'm so glad to be here. I'm recording these episodes for all of you. Thank you again for listening. Hope you have an amazing day and stay tuned for the next one.