How to Heal from a Heartbreak 29:16

Welcome to date yourself instead. Date yourself instead? What does it mean to date yourself instead? I'm just gonna learn how to love myself and that's it.

Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of Date Yourself Instead. I am currently in Maui, Hawaii right now. I just woke up. I'm slightly jet lagged because the time difference here is actually six hours ahead of New York City. I flew to Hawaii actually from Sedona because I was on a little girl's trip this weekend and we did this like spiritual retreat in Arizona and I've

been to Sedona actually a couple of times, but this was the first time I really did more of a spiritual approach where we weren't like hiking or anything. We were doing like healing classes and meditation and some like yoga in the morning. We were staying in this really beautiful house, literally directly on a vortex. If you don't know what a vortex is, it's just like a

It's a place where the energy is just more intense because everything has energy and everything stores energy. So the house that we were staying in was built on a huge vortex and it was very energetically intense. We were kind of, we kind of had a really interesting experience in Sedona, which I'll get into in another episode because that's a whole story in itself.

But this episode, I really wanted to get into how to heal from a heartbreak because that is one of the most highly requested topics that I've been getting lately. And also, I just went through a very serious breakup that completely shattered me. I was literally not able to get out of bed some mornings and I was so, so depressed and sad.

And I really didn't know what to do with myself. I was going crazy because I've definitely been through relationships that were very serious and they ended, but they always had ended on pretty good terms. So in the past, I've always had long-term relationships, but the ending kind of felt right. And...

I always knew that I had made the right decision looking back. But with this particular breakup, I really thought I was going to marry this man. And I was so, so deeply in love with him in a totally different way than I had ever experienced before. So when we had broken up, I was completely devastated to the point where

I just kept thinking like, what am I going to do now? Like, what am I going to do without this person? He was my best friend. We literally talked every single second of every single day. We lived together during COVID. We basically raised his dog together. He got a puppy during COVID and we basically raised this dog. So it was like my, it's like my son, like it felt like he was my dog as well. So it was just one of the most painful situations I've ever gone through. And I

I think it's really important to vocalize and talk about it because I've done so much healing work since it all happened, and it's only been a month and a half, so it's still pretty new, but I feel like I am way more grounded than I've ever been in my entire life, which is also a crazy thing to say because...

Usually when you go through a breakup, you feel like your mind and body can be all over the place and you could be anxious and scared and worried that you'll never find anyone else and that you're going to be alone the rest of your life. Those are all totally normal thoughts when you first break up with someone. And I was going through that where I would wake up every day and I'd be like, what am I supposed to do? I feel like I'm going to end up alone for the rest of my life because this person was my soulmate. And

I thought this was my person. I thought this was it.

Just getting back to a place where I'm very grounded and comfortable in my body, in my skin. I could wake up every day and still push on and go to the gym and do the things I used to do prior to me knowing him. It was really hard for me to get back into my routine, but once I did and I really started to heal myself, I learned so much in that process and I really want to share it with you guys. I think it could really benefit for those of you going through a breakup or who have gone through a breakup and you're still feeling like,

stuck or lost or anxious. I hope this episode will inspire you and help you a little bit to heal.

One of the very first things I decided to do for myself when we had broken up was block him on social media. And that means Instagram, TikTok, everything. And this was not out of anger. I believe blocking out of good faith and just knowing it's for your mental health and for peace and clarity is not necessarily a bad thing. Some people are against it and say it might be dramatic or it might be too much to block someone that you were in love with.

But I had discussed it with him prior and he actually agreed with me that blocking was a really good decision for both of us on both ends because we were both really hurt and upset. And we didn't want to necessarily absorb each other's energy and content while we were not together. And I think it's really important to note this. When you are absorbing someone's content and you're not together, you're still very much energetically tied to them.

And I think it was really important for me to just go no contact by blocking him so I wasn't able to see anything he was doing or anything he was up to. And it's not to say you don't care about that person anymore, you're mad at them or you're angry. It was really not out of anger. It was just for my own peace and clarity. And it really did actually help. The first couple of weeks...

just not really having access to that content really gave me more peace of mind in knowing that this was the decision that I had made and we had made together and this is what was happening now.

And was it really difficult and was it really hard and was I tempted to reach out to him a million times? And did I want to talk to him? A hundred percent. It was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. I know that might sound a little bit dramatic, but I was so, so in love with this man and I still am. Like I still have very strong feelings for him and I always will. And he will always hold a big space in my heart, but he's

In that moment, in those few weeks when we had initially gone no contact, I was losing my mind because I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to tell him things. I was used to texting him random updates throughout the day. Something funny would happen to me and he would be my go-to person to just like laugh with and communicate with. And obviously I was like,

it's just so hard also when that person and your partner is like, not only the love of your life and you think it's like your soulmate, but it's also your best friend. And you're just so used to talking to that person. So the no contact thing...

blocking was a really, really difficult thing to do, but it was necessary. It was necessary in order to pattern interrupt because when your brain is so addicted to somebody's presence and energy and it's so used to having that person there, you're going to just keep feeding and feeding it. Even if you're broken up and you're still talking, you're not really breaking up and breaking up that pattern. So

For both of us, I think it was the best decision because we were so addicted to each other and so attached. And it's really amazing to have such a strong connection with someone like that where you have that attachment. But attachment is also the root of all suffering. And that's something I had to learn the hard way is when you are so deeply attached to another human being that

It can be so, so painful if it's not working out and it's not for your highest good. And when things are going not the way you expected them to go and then you're forced to separate with that person, the attachment to them can be excruciatingly painful. So to completely detach and pull ourselves away from each other, the blocking aspect on social media was such a big part of the healing process.

The second thing that really helped me jumpstart the healing process was changing up my daily routine because I was so used to having a set routine with this person when I was in a relationship with him that I kind of felt like doing the same things over and over again were not healthy for me anymore. So just like even small changes, like I went and got my hair dyed and a lot of us do that when we go through something like a breakup, like something drastic because we want to change parts of ourselves

but also because I feel like it represents transformation and it represents a new chapter. And for me, it's very symbolic of that. Like when I go change something about myself, it's not necessarily a distraction, but more just like it's a representation of me transforming and going into a new cycle of my life.

And I decided to dye my hair when we broke up because I just felt like it was a new me and I wanted a fresh start. And I wanted to just make myself feel a little more confident, a little more beautiful. And by doing that, it actually did help. I wouldn't say it was this like drastic shift, like, oh, my hair has died. So now it solves all my problems and takes away the pain. It was definitely not helpful to that extreme, but it definitely helped me just feel a little better and lighter about myself.

Obviously, dyeing your hair is not going to solve all your problems, but it was more just like the physical change of looking a little different than how I had looked in the relationship. It kind of made me feel like I was this newer version of myself in the moment. And it helped for a few days. I will say that. It did boost my confidence a little bit because...

I've always wanted to go super blonde and it was just a decision I had made post breakup that made me feel a little good. And there's nothing wrong with externally changing parts of yourself if it makes you feel better. So I did that and I wouldn't say that was like some drastic way of healing internally, but it just made me feel like I was about to go into a new phase of my life and it was really symbolic of that.

I also really feel like it is an identity thing where for me when I start to change little pieces of myself day by day, it's slowly transforming my identity from within as well. So by dying my hair, changing up my gym routine, getting a personal trainer, which I also did because I had never had a trainer before, it just kind of made me feel like I was stepping into a new identity. And by taking these small steps to just change up my daily routine and change small things about what I was doing,

and make my life slowly different from what it had been in the relationship, it really did start to program my brain to think a little bit differently. And by creating this new sense of identity, it really made me feel more confident and grounded in myself because I was like, this is a new chapter. And I was trying to see it as more of a positive thing than a negative thing, saying I'm stepping into this new version of myself and

and visualizing my higher self and saying, what would she do? What would I do? How would she look physically? And how would she feel mentally? And I envision myself having super blonde hair and just feeling lighter and putting a lot of work into my physical health because I think working out has also completely changed my entire life post-breakup, which I'll get into in the next segment.

So after the breakup, I was not feeling well mentally and I had kind of forgotten that working out was such a crucial part of my day. I had stopped working out when I was with him and it wasn't because, you know, he wasn't supportive of me going to the gym or anything like

that. Like he really was the most supportive partner I've ever had, but it was like on me to take care of myself. And I just wasn't taking care of myself anymore. I felt super depressed and I was always crying and I just wasn't in a good mental place. So I stopped taking care of my body. And I think physical health is so important and it's such an important part of your emotional, spiritual, and mental wellbeing too, because you're

If you want to have a strong body just for the looks, it's never going to last. That motivation is not going to last because looks can only go so far. So when you make the gym a priority because of your mental health, you start to transform the way you look at it and perceive going to the gym because it's almost like medicine for me. It's the same thing as kind of like

taking a happy pill. I know that sounds kind of silly, but it's like, it really does transform my entire day and the rest of my day. And for me, it was like, I stopped taking my happy pill and I stopped

going to the gym because I was in this like weird foggy mental state where I couldn't really get anything done or take care of myself the way that I needed to. I started to neglect my physical health, which completely transformed my mental state as well. It was kind of just like a domino effect. Once I started working out every day and being consistent, my mental health really declined. So to get back into it, I hired a personal trainer and

And this trainer really did change my life. Like I feel like I had never had structure when I went to the gym and I really didn't have any sort of set routine that I did that was giving me any progress. So when I went to this trainer, it really just kind of gave me that structure and outline of what I needed to do. And we change up the workouts all the time and we make it interesting and fun. And it became a new way of, um,

channeling my energy and channeling my emotions. And I came into that gym and working with him in such a bad mental state. And it definitely took about a month to start feeling better. It was definitely a gradual progression, but just talking with someone and kind of like having someone coach me and guide me to build up my physical strength again, also built up my mental strength and also gave me a lot of clarity on a lot of things. And I felt like I was finally

more grounded and falling back into my old self, which I had missed. I missed that girl that was free and independent and excited and happy to wake up every day. I felt like I had lost a lot of pieces of myself towards the end of the relationship and I just wasn't happy anymore. So to have that kind of training and that coach to push me and help me build that strength up again was such a crucial part of my healing process.

Another key part to my healing process, this is probably the most important thing for me recently, is visualization. Just visualizing my highest self and what I would want her to be and how I would want her to feel and where I would want her to be mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally. Just picturing my highest self and really, really, really focusing on her versus myself.

my present self because my present self is still in this grieving phase where I have days where I'm really calm and happy. And then I have days where I just break down and start hysterically crying because I'm

I miss him. Like I miss the moments we had together and I miss the experiences we shared together. And I miss this part of the relationship was it's hard to, you know, fully ever feel like you're getting over someone that was so special and so important to you and played such a big part of your life.

So for me, a lot of what I do now is visualizing a higher version of myself where I'm completely healed and I'm free of this idea of only having one soulmate and these limiting beliefs where I'm never going to find anyone else. I just picture this woman who's strong, courageous, and brave, and independent, and I'm

I know that I am her, but I'm just not fully there yet. And that's totally okay because it's normal to grieve and it's normal to go through this healing phase. And it is also easy to beat yourself up over it when you feel like some time has passed and you're like, why can I not

Or why am I still sad? I have a tendency to be really hard on myself with my emotions, but just know that it's so normal and human to feel and it's so okay to be sad and it's okay to grieve. It's not a bad thing if you're sad.

It just means you had an amazing connection and attachment with this person. And eventually you'll learn to grow into new emotions about it where you appreciated the times you had together. And when you come from a place of being completely healed and seeing that it was such an amazing experience that you shared with this person on this earth,

you'll start to realize why it happened and why it happened the way it did and that everything really does happen for a reason. And I think my higher self would always tell me that. Like when I was visualizing her in a meditation, sometimes I'll wake up and just do a little meditation in the morning and close my eyes and picture what my highest version of myself would say to me. And that's exactly what she would say. Like everything really does happen for a reason and you have to trust the journey and trust your own unique self.

process in this life because life is short and life is beautiful and you don't want to get stuck on this idea that you're never going to find anyone else or you're going to be miserable and alone the rest of your life. That is not what the universe wants for you. The universe wants you to be happy and

And, you know, it's easier said than done to think that way. Of course, I have my moments, as I just said, where I really do struggle, but just having that visualization of my higher self has helped me and guided me so much.

I actually just ordered room service to my hotel and they have these gluten-free vegan waffles and they are so good. So apologies if I sound a little different because I literally just shoved my face with like three huge waffles and I feel like there's like syrup stuck in my throat. So apologies if the rest of this episode sounds a little weird and I sound a little different, but that was the most amazing breakfast ever.

Anyways, this may sound a little weird, but one of the other things that really helped me during my healing process in the first few weeks of the breakup was not listening to any sad music. And I feel like it's easy to get stuck in this pattern of listening to really depressing things or sad music or watching sad TV shows or anything that

involving around media or what you're consuming on social media or TikTok. Oh my God, I would scroll through TikTok and see all these like sad breakup videos because obviously we know that TikTok listens to you and your phone listens to you. And I was getting all these videos of girls who had just broken up with their boyfriends and I was getting even more depressed and sad. So I just kind of had to refrain from scrolling and kind of keep my distance from my phone for a while.

because honestly it was not helping me and my mental health at all. So I kind of just stopped using TikTok for a couple of weeks and I wasn't scrolling. I barely went on Instagram. I did post for myself because obviously my job is like social media focused. But other than that, I was not consuming any content for the most part. I was really doing my best to just focus in the present moment and do everything I could to get back to myself

my happy mental state because it was just, it was really chaotic. Like, especially when your phone does listen to you. So it'll show you things that are so related to the conversations you're having with your friends or family, or even in your text messages. I've texted my friends things and it would just come up on my phone afterwards. And it was just insane. And I just realized that the best thing you could do is not to scroll or engage with

media in any form until you're in a place where you think you can handle it. The other big thing that has played a huge role in my healing process is not to jump into another situation or relationship or try to distract yourself with another person. I was guilty of this. A couple of years ago, I got into a relationship that was really serious and

And then as soon as we broke up, I never took the proper time to heal and focus on myself. I had given myself maybe a couple of weeks and then I was already talking to another guy and trying to distract myself with that. And I think a lot of people recommend doing this. Like this is like advice I've actually gotten from a lot of people in my life when I would end things. They're like, oh, there's so many people out there. You'll literally find someone like in a day. And I'm just like,

Oh yeah, you're right. Totally. And I would just go on a dating app or immediately just start trying to find someone out or go out of New York or whatever it was. I would just be looking actively for someone else. The second one thing would end, I would kind of just jump into something else. And it was a distraction because nine times out of 10, first of all, those things that I was looking for afterwards would never even work out anyway. And second of all, I

I realized that I never took time to actually ask myself really important and valuable questions. What is it that you're actually looking for? Are you looking for another person or are you just looking to distract yourself and fill yourself of these empty voids you have within? Are you actually a healed person or are you just looking for someone else to come and rescue you and heal you and validate your existence?

I think I was always using men as a way to like validate who I was as a person. And I'd always had a boyfriend or I always had some guy I was talking to. So it really just like this breakup in particular really shook me in an entirely different way and transformed the person I was becoming in such a new and transformative way. Like I feel like I just grew up because it was so painful and so difficult that I realized that...

I needed to look within myself. I was not going to find true love or happiness or validation by jumping into something else with some new guy or anything. Like it was not going to come from there, especially this time because true love is...

focusing on yourself and deepening your connection with yourself. And you are love. That's what I took from this. I was like, I am love. I know that sounds really hippie and maybe too deep for some people listening to this, but it's so true. You don't need anyone else to validate your existence. You don't need that. All you need is yourself. And

That was like the whole purpose of me even releasing this podcast and calling it Date Yourself Instead, because it's like you should be taking such good care of yourself the way you would want someone else to take care of you. And eventually you will attract the most amazing person. My podcast isn't to say, you know, you should just be alone and focus on yourself for the

Come from a healed and loving place when you decide to get in a relationship with someone new. Come from a place where you know yourself fully and you're willing to commit to yourself before just rushing into some relationship where you're taking pieces of yourself and basically neglecting them when you get involved with someone. I think it's so important to know yourself and know your truth before you enter any sort of committed relationship with anyone else. You have to be fully committed to yourself first.

And I was guilty of never doing that. I just rushed into things when I felt lonely and I felt like I just needed someone. But you don't need anyone. That's what I learned from this. You don't need anyone. You really need yourself. And the times where you feel like you need someone, you really just need yourself more. And I learned that the hard way. Is it easy to not talk to anyone? Is it easy to kind of

do my own thing all the time. And there are nights where I've cried myself to sleep because I felt lonely. Yes. But it just forced me to look deeper within myself and ask myself these really important questions. Like, why am I actually feeling alone when I have myself? I'm right here. I can give myself all the love and validation I need from within. And someone will eventually come into my life. When you trust that when you come from a healed place,

You'll get the best of the best relationship possible. It's comforting to know that. It's really a beautiful, comforting feeling to know, oh, I don't need anyone. But when it comes from a place of you're choosing just to be with that person because you're truly happy with yourself and they're just going to compliment your life, they're not going to make your life better.

That's a beautiful thing. And I've actually never had a relationship like that where I felt like I needed this person around. Like I was needy and I was like always like, oh my God, I need a boyfriend. I need someone. I need someone. I need someone. Like that is not a way to attract true, real love because it's,

It's neglecting yourself. It's neglecting yourself when you feel like you absolutely need it. It should come from a place of want and by choice, not because you feel like you need it. One of the last things I'll mention about my healing process so far is learning how to manifest better. And manifestation is such a powerful tool in my life because I really do believe that

It can change your entire perception of what life is really about. When you realize that you have the power to basically attract anything into your life through the power of your brain and your mind and how you feel. I think people have this concept of manifestation as like, oh, you just think about it and it comes into your life. And then they ask like, oh, why isn't it working? I thought about it. But manifestation is much deeper than that. And it's actually really a lot more simple than people make it out to be because like

It's not really so much that you're thinking about it, but it's more that you're feeling it and you just know that it's already coming into your life. So for example, you know when you think about someone randomly, like someone super random you haven't spoken to in a while, and then they randomly reach out to you the next day and you're like, wait, I was just thinking about that person. That's not a coincidence. That's actually exactly what manifestation is. It's kind of when you subtly think about it and you plant the seed that you want it and then immediately let it go after and detach from it.

It's almost as if you're telling the universe, I don't need this, but it would be great to have it. And when you feel good about it and you're on the vibration of receiving it, which means you just feel amazing and you feel totally fine without it, that's when it comes into your life. So I think just using my manifestation techniques...

And kind of applying it to the breakup in a way where I'm like, okay, well, I want to attract the most amazing person for me, right? I want to attract my soulmate. I want to attract someone that compliments my lifestyle, that makes me feel happy and free and at my highest self. Like I want to feel

amazing around this person. So it's kind of tied into the visualization thing, but it's kind of like visualizing my higher self with that soulmate and what it would look like and how it would feel. And just trusting that it's already on its way has been really helpful in just the healing aspect of this journey that I'm going through right now, where I'm like,

It's coming, it's happening, but right now, just focus on yourself. Be the best version of you. Put your energy into your work. Put your energy into becoming a creative and more spiritual and more aligned person. And the universe will deliver it in divine timing. And when it's the right timing, everything will work out the way it is supposed to. And I think just trusting that

And really believing that that's true and that's what's happening has really guided me and helped me immensely in my healing journey. Before I end this episode, I actually did want to mention one other thing that I think is really important to note. I gave up alcohol during this healing journey. I was never a big drinker. I never really drank a lot to begin with, but just giving up alcohol too, I think has played a huge role in my mental health and getting myself to a place of healing

healing without external substances. I think alcohol is a depressant and it does not help when you're sad and you're grieving in the long term. Maybe in the short term, it makes you feel good. You go out, you party, you socialize. But I've never personally really had amazing experiences the next morning waking up with a hangover. It was just never my thing. And especially when you are going through something painful, I've

I highly recommend avoiding alcohol. But obviously, everything in moderation is totally fine. And at the end of the day, we all make our own life decisions and choices. And there's no judgment. And you could choose whatever you want to do. But personally for me, I just wanted to mention that because I feel like alcohol has really, really slowed down my progress. I had one glass of wine a couple weeks after my breakup.

And I was just not so great the next morning. I felt really sad and sluggish and tired. And I just felt like I just wasn't myself and it wasn't really helping my progress. So by cutting out alcohol, I think it really also did help me in a lot of ways. And I just put more energy into my workouts and eating healthy and taking care of my body in the best ways I could.

Thank you so much for listening to another episode of Date Yourself Instead. I hope I could help some of you or those who are going through heartbreak. I wish you so much healing and love and abundance. And I cannot wait for the next episode. Thanks again for listening.