The Sorta New Year's Episode? with Trixie and Katya
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Hi there. Now that I have the floor, metaphorically speaking, of course, I'd love to talk to you about me. I am not only a woman, a man, a person, and a goblin, but I'm also a vampire who loves to suck the blood out of human beings. And now... Damn it. Can I tell you about my private gig?

I don't know that you should tell me any... Girl, this is... What does she know? I look like Kirby. I'm sorry, I think I have food still in my mouth. I look like Jigglypuff. Are you really here to spray Taco Bell? Apparently so. You usually do it on the other end. Boop, boop, boop. You know, not Miss Pink talking about brown. What?

Mama, what is the tea? Get those nasty nuts. I think part of whatever's wrong with my brain really loves monochromatic. Oh, you think? But I feel very peaceful when everything is one color. I don't feel at peace looking at... No, I'm just kidding. I love the peace. I look like a little dickhead up here. Like this is the skin. Is it P-E-A-C-E we're talking about?

P-E-A-C-E? Oh, peace. Yeah. What did you say? No, you said peace. I was wondering if it's P-E-A-C-E or P-I-E-C-E. World peace. I love to tour. I love, I could do a hell tour. I could do a hell tour. We haven't, we haven't, oh my God. Okay, now I got one for you. My e-stem, I learned about it through the comment section of YouTube. E-stem or, I don't know what it's called. Your vocal stem? Mama, it's about, it's a auto-stem or some kind of stimulation that I...

It's an audio stim that I stimulate myself with. I think e-stim is where you put electrodes on your dick. Is that what you're talking about? Perhaps. Are you talking about vocal stims where you say things over and over again? That's it. That part. So I'm going to present one. So I have been doing this back and forth via text where I say, I hope I get it right.

Donna, Lori, Pat, Shelly, Rose, Aaliyah, Brian, Darren, and Ulysses, thanks for holding on the fort. Uh-huh. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. You know, of course, what I'm talking about, right? With me, yeah. Hey, you better chill. You know, but...

Donna, Lynn, Pat, Lori, Shelly, Aaliyah, Rose, Brian, Darren, and Ulysses. It's so... Well, it's not anything. It's just a list of names that it becomes like once you learn it and then you go back. Because she was... Listen, God rest in peace. She was Twirlina up there. But let me tell you something about Miss Twirlina. She stumbled only once during Christina. She said, Christina, you have the best... Well, she said Tina and she...

I mean, maybe. But she said Christina Aguilera at the BET Awards, by the way. What? That's another story for another day. But Whitney only stumbled when she said, Christina, you've done the best rendition of I Run To You since whatever, whatever. That was her only stumble. Everything after that was... Oh, I Turn To You? Rhythmic? No, I Run To You. Is that the song? Yeah, I Run To You. Oh, I Want To Run To You or something like that. Oh, sure. Everything was like...

Bam. It was crisp, clear, clean. At least she planned something. You know how much we hate when people get up there and have nothing to say. She had nothing. Not only did she have not nothing to say, she had no cue cards. She was, it was like, for my cue cards, for my background singers. Mama, it all came from the well of her knowledge. And I don't care if there was smoke and mirrors, you know, emphasis on the former, but it was, it was just like, it was a four and a half minute long conversation.

acceptance speech for a lifetime achievement award, I think, at the BET Awards. And also, she remembered everybody's name. Good for her. Everybody's name. She was like, to my Nippy family, I love my glam squad. I love you. And it was like, she mentioned everybody. I hope I never win some kind of award like that because I know that I won't have poise. I'll be overcome and I'll forget like, I'll forget like,

You. Yeah, I know. I'll forget. I'll remember somebody, but I'll forget a close friend. I know I will. You will forget the executive producer of that film. Oh, you will forget. I'll forget you, David Silver, our managers. I will forget everybody. And I'll be like, thanks to my Uber Eats driver, Rodney, who always knows to bring the bag around to the back door. You know? That part. And then you say, because I would go up there. I'd be like,

I would do it twice and then I would peace out, kill myself. But of course, I will never, and I will stare into this camera, I will never, ever, ever accept the inevitable Kennedy Center honors that I will surely be given.

It'll happen. It'll be from Kennedy Davenport. Thank you! Newark, LaGuardia, Kennedy. Kennedy giving you an award, her coming out in a gown, dripping. And she goes, well... Excuse me, a gown? She's coming out in half-drag, waddling. Like, this food nasty. She stank. Whatever. I love my sister. I love my sister. I guess, no. We gotta get her on the pod. So, no we don't. We gotta get her on... Ritalin. Ritalin.

We got to get her on Ritalin. We got to get her, mama. We don't have to get her anything. Miss Kennedy. Kennedy, if you're ever in LA and you want to come on the pod, please make it happen. I still text her. I do too. Because she's on my Christmas tree. So I was thankful on Thanksgiving for her. I have this framed photograph of me gripping her hand. It is beautiful. Also, Miss Fame is in there. Looked like a dog from the profile. Dog. And of course, Miss Fame. Listen, mama, nobody does it like Miss Fame from the front.

But she's like, she, like me has a challenging profile. Oh, I know which picture you're talking about. At some point they got the texture. They got the girls, you know, but it was me. Charcoal briquette. Honey. With cover girl. True. Yeah. It was, it was, it was Tim Allen grilling till Tim, the tool man, Taylor pulling out his grill, smoking these meats.

Mark Zuckerberg smoking these meats from the side. Anyways, it's a beautiful moment. It was like candidly captured, but me and Kennedy, because like we were, she beat me, you know, maybe she, we later had the last fierce moment of that season together. And, and I mean, I know she did beat you, but you went down with dignity. You did a great job. Sweetie, people don't know this and people love to rewrite history. They love to whatever they love to do. I was there, honey.

I was there. You weren't there. Me and Kennedy were fucking there. But even as a viewer. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. She buried you a little bit. Mama, you weren't there though. I was there. Kennedy was there. Rue was there. Um, and then Pearl and Violet and Ginger were there. Sweetie. And Michael. Michael. Michael Bouchard. James? James? No, Wendy Williams was there. No, no. It was, um, who is the judge? It was, um, Michelle was there and then it was, um,

Fuck, I can't remember the judge. Remember Michelle? Wasn't that crazy? Oh, it was Santino Rice. Shake the dice and steal the rice. And he read me the house down boots for that horrible outfit, of course, which of course he would because it was awful. But he didn't know who I was. He didn't know anything about me. Anyways, I know the outfit was bad. I was at the end of my rope, clearly.

Anyways, long story short. Once you start gluing calculators to the chest. Let me, I will redeem it. Mama, that was a cast that I made out of felt that did not stretch that fit me fucking perfectly. And I'm sorry that. Don't be sorry. I'm not going to be sorry because I stitched that to the pussy up here. And when I went spread Eagle and cartwheeled, don't, I don't get it twisted. That garment did not break or rip. Use a zigzag.

Triple zigzag bitch. Yeah. That's what you have to do in the crotch for sure. Of course. Reinforce it. Reinforce it. And then dart it in the backhoe. Did it look like shit? Yes. Fina would like triple zigzag my crotch. I said, Fina, we both know that I'm not doing anything where this crotch would get blown out. But she's like, we both know that anything is possible. Right. She's like, we both know you should. She's like suggesting I should move more. This is for the future, mom. She's like, when you finally get it together and you're able to lift that knee up.

At all? Misery taught me that. She's like triple. She said, I ignored the first piece of advice from Misery, the sewing studio. To quit drag? No, no. It was don't measure anything and don't use a pattern. Just from, I was like, great.

Girl really but she triple-seam everything because it was to build it to last spandex right long story fucking short Jesus Christ I'm sorry well. There's nothing worse than having to bust out the machine to fix a hole this big It's like so if I'm doing if I'm if my primary Toolbox kit has pussies flat all over it mama that crotch is not splitting open right also That's the intersection when you do a catsuit. That's the it's a four-way intersection

Four-way intersection. That's when the bales between the worlds are the thinnest. That's the 4 a.m. That's 4 a.m. when you're...

That's the witching hour. Yeah. So Kennedy, Longsword Kennedy, I knew, and I had given up the outfit. I'd given up. Pearl was like, you could have done this. I was like, yeah, I know, but my brain was fried, girl. I couldn't do that. You're arguably one of the best sewers there, which is perplexing. But here's the thing. When you reach a breaking point, you can't go any further. And when I said to Rue on stage, this did not make the cut, of course, I said, I mean, I was legitimately suffering, and I said, Rue,

I have not been to a meeting in six weeks. I'm an alcoholic in recovery. I only a year sober. I'm losing my mind. I didn't know that I should not have said that. Good thing they didn't use it. Well, of course they were not going to use it, but I didn't know that they were going to use it. I almost, I was, I was like very on the brink and I think they were like, what is going on here? Like they were just surprised by it. No, give yourself some credit. No, no, no, no, no. I know Rue knew.

She would never admit it, but she looked at you and she said, you think I don't know that you're an addict? No, no, no, no. Look at your outfit, bitch.

But I was, what you need to get addicted to is invisible zippers. Cause that installation of the back, you need to get addicted to a sewing class. You need to get addicted to Jean Paul Gaultier. You need to get addicted to Joanne Fabric's rudimentary sewing classes. Singer, bitch. Gooderman thread, bitch. Yeah. No, but so, but I, I, I opened up in a way that was very not for camera. It was a moment of pure vulnerability where I was like,

The subtext of what I was saying was like, let me go because I am going. And I was very, I was very, very, and it sounds so dramatic. You're Catherine O'Hara in Beetlejuice. If you don't let me take this house and make it my own, I will go insane. And I will take you with me. If you don't let me cut out this house. And yeah, it was very, it was very that. And also it was like, it was like Valerie Cherish, like,

It's hard too. By the way, they're not giving you bolts of four-way stretch fabric. Honey, it was a table of crap and nothing good was left. No offense to Hello Kitty. All offense to Hello Kitty. I'm just kidding. Anyway, today's episode is sponsored by Sanrio. Hello Shitty. Yeah. You know what the funny thing is when they did the big reveal, I thought it was Katy Perry. I thought it was going to be Katy fucking Perry because we had the song and the way they introduced her, this person, I was like, who was it?

Hello Kitty. It was the Hello Kitty. Oh, the real person was there. That's cool. It was a festive capitalist fiesta. Of course. And although I do stand by my communist kitty. I do stand by my communist kitty. That was cunt. By the way, if there wasn't five of you left, you made a serviceable outfit. If that was an early challenge, people would have made much worse shit than that.

At least you sewed something. Who? At least you sewed an outfit. I did. I didn't. Yes. Well, yeah, I'm not going to. Yes, I did. It wasn't the peak of design, but at least you could construct. Yeah, but in the styling was where, you know, that's when I was Goldie Hawn overboard because the mama, it made, it didn't make any sense. I wore the boots because I knew I was going to have to lip sync.

This is when you couldn't change, ho. You couldn't change for the lip sync, remember. You can't change in normal seasons now. Only All-Stars, right? I don't know. But you couldn't change back then. Now you can in some. We could in All-Stars too. Because they, I think I started that actually. Because I had to lip sync in my latex dress and I couldn't even walk in it. So they're like, if you want to change, you can change. I was like, excuse me?

So of course I changed and lost. Yeah. But, um, the, but Kennedy is like, I knew we were going, I knew she was going to mop the floor with me and I, and I was prepared for it. And I, I made peace with it long before we got there to start. And I, they were making fun of me because I was listening to the music and the bus on the, on the, the van on the way home. And I didn't realize that when I'm lip syncing to myself softly, I'm going, Oh,

By the way, anybody who knows you knows you're not a Katie fan.

You don't like her music. But I do have a perfect songbird soprano. My clear mezzo soprano is undeniable. But most gays might already know. I already knew that song, word for word. Word for word. Yeah, I don't believe I am. Not only am I not super familiar with her catalog, it's not exactly my go-to list of songs to enjoy. You've told me before that she's the Jimmy Buffett of pop music. And I stand by it. Not love, but all due respect to her as a person of dignity and grace. Mama. But she had a pooping toilet on her show. Catch it.

The Bald and the Beautiful is supported by FX's English Teacher. From Paul Sims, the executive producer that brought you What We Do in the Shadows, FX's English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school.

I cannot wait to see this amazing new show with the preternaturally hysterical Brian Jordan Alvarez. It's from the producer of one of the greatest TV shows of all time. And can I let you in on a little secret? A certain Miss Trixie Mattel makes a guest appearance on the show and whoa, it is a sight to behold. Take it from me, a connoisseur of quality television programming. You do not want to miss this show. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

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Because when it comes to getting the most out of your home, you can do this when you Angie that. Download the free Angie mobile app today or visit Angie.com. That's A-N-G-I dot com. So, love you, Kennedy. End of that story. But I got to tell you about where we left off last time. By the way, when I had to live sing against Kennedy for the win, I was also like, why does it have to be Kennedy? Of all people. But you know why they got to see this is where they lose me. The producers like y'all going to have Kennedy up there.

And y'all going to do wrecking ball. I didn't even want to do wrecking ball. No offense. Nobody wants to do wrecking ball. I didn't want to do wrecking ball. I wanted something cool. Like anything. Listen, if you're not going to give us lip sync battle props, then what are we doing? Yeah. What are we doing? No walls, no support, slippery stage girl. Flop Tina. Bestie runs that show. I love Tina. Bestie runs that lip sync. It's just not an end of season lip sync.

I did that. Have you seen my performance of wrecking ball long before drag race? Oh my God. I'm going to link to it in the comments. Cause I will pat myself on the back. I worked so hard on this. It was for Jacques. It was a loving homage to Becca Debus who had been deported back to Singapore.

I, mama get into this. I'm gonna describe it. Becca DeBus. Becca DeBus. She got deported to Singapore? Uh-huh. She was a, she was a, she was from Singapore. Rebecca DePlaine. Hello. Thank you. Boom. Rebecca DeBus is what I called her. Rebecca DeBus. Because she was a great big fat person. And Eugene Tan. Love him. We're still friends. And so when he left the show, Perestroika, it was a big, big loss. Literally. Huge. Huge.

And so it was torn up about it. So I came out in a candy, a bubble, like a bubble gum leotard with a nasty, like a blonde side piece, like literally mama looking like pink, looking like, like diesel, looking nasty diesel. That's it. That's it. Oh, it's a Miley Cyrus hair. Cause that was her hair at the time. Exactly. Okay. Yes, that's right. So, and then,

Came in like a wrecking ball. A boom, a hand-painted portrait of Becca unfurled from behind. And then this is when it really got juicy. I was, I couldn't, during the bridge, Madge of Honor was on a stool behind it. The eyes were cut out, blowing bubbles of tears through the eye holes. See, it was absolutely, it was actually art. Actually, it was actually, it was actually,

Absolutely. Positive. I know. Shame on you. And then silly string out of her mouth for the very last bit all over me, all over me. Yeah. It was like, I was so proud of it. Cause I, I mean, I hand drawn the post. I hand painted the poster. It took me like a week.

And like my Titanic thing where I built the boat. It was like that kind of like apocalyptic style. When you don't travel, you have a lot more flexibility with dumb props that... Also, once a month, Mary. Once a month. You got to gag the children because we... Drag Race was on, but we... I was not on it yet. And I created a show through me and Frida Frye's Nicole Pride, Eugene Tan, a.k.a. Beckett of Us. Nicole Pride. Nicole Pride, yeah. N-I-C-H-O-L-L-E. Long story. And then...

Frida Frye is Jake Tinsley. Mr. Lady, Ben McCoy. Mr. Lady? Fierce. Love that name. Mr. Lady? Miss Georgette was the early one. Miss Georgette? Yeah, Miss Georgette. These names. Yeah, Fina Barberta. These names are wild. Miss Georgette? Miss Georgette, yeah. Wait, do you know about this queen on Drag Race called The Girlfriend Experience?

Let's bring to the stage Becky Smith and Roberta Wilson. From the legendary House of Experience. The girlfriend. That's furious. I mean, furious. Way to pick a name that makes everyone else look stupid and ugly. I know. Like dogs. Everyone has girl names while I'm the girlfriend experience. I know. If I had to go do it again...

Barbara, please would be my name. Barbara, please is incredible. Please, please, Barbara. I mean, it's so fierce. Barbara, please, please, Barbara. It's just, it's so cunty. Barbara, please, Barbara. It's a great name. Please, Barbara, Barbara, please. If you need anything, ask Carol Ann. It's a fierce name. It would be so, somebody out there, please do, Barbara, Barbara.

Barbara, please. Barbara, please. Barbara. But be good. Don't waste it. No, you don't have to be good. No, don't waste it. Yeah. I mean, you don't have to do Joan Crawford in every mix, but you better put like a, you know, something. You better give something. Yeah. Do like, um, just something. Anyways, just be good. Yeah, I guess. Be good. Um, so, um,

I had a private booking last week on Friday, the day after Thanksgiving. Are you like Labrador flying to Dubai to do private concerts for oligarchs? I guess, but I only had a flight to San Francisco from PS, which was an hour flight direct. PS? Palm Springs. Okay. Hour flight direct. It was a birthday party. For Jeff Bezos. I don't want to say who it was, but it was a very rich person. Oh, I know exactly what you're talking about. I don't want to be indiscreet, but it was a very rich person. And I'm only saying that because...

I don't, I've never really met a billionaire or anything like that before, but, um, LVP, you're not billionaire. I told her, Lisa, I'll fit in. I'm rich. And she said, no, you're not. It's like, thanks girl. No, she, she's like, darling, your new money, old money and new money do not mix. She was like, no, you're not. She's like, and you're not that pretty. I'm like, okay. Okay. All right. Fuck you, Lisa. Yeah. She was like, by the way, can I be friends with her? Not because she's rich. Excuse me. Not because she's rich or famous or anything.

I just want to kiki about her with you. Yeah. About you with her every once in a while. Oh, rip into me. No one makes fun of me to my face. Every couple of months. Every couple of months. I think me and her have a little conflict over the phone. Nothing's nothing crazy. I don't want to go to her house. The moat scares me, but like I just, you could never traverse it, honey. You don't have the upper body. I don't have the vernacular that I think I possessed to cross that moat. Climb the bridge.

Punch a swan. Like it's a whole, you'd have to really fight your way in. It'd have to be Swan Lake. And then once you get in the house, they have about 12 dogs. They're all taking you on a cruise. And lasers, Catherine Zeta-Jones, entrapment. Yeah. Then Sean Connery's there. I gotta fuck him. Yeah. Then it's May, December. Sorry, sorry, sorry. So I fly to San Francisco and I, it's, they rented the city hall.

So they have me, people are coming in, there's a metal detector. And as people are coming in and receiving cocktails, I'm standing there DJing. And they gave me a very strongly recommended playlist. So I basically had... That you play. The set...

Yeah. Was I just downloaded the songs they want. Yeah. And then I added a few that I think were fun and cool and similar. Yeah. Like two, I had about an hour of me standing there while nice straight people and nice gay people walked in and waved at me and I'm just DJing and people are, people are head bobbing, but mostly having their first drink and talking. I'm more like ambiance elevator music. Or, or a threatening presence. Yes. But I will say this whole gig, the tech,

was flawless. The air conditioning was flawless. The pay was flawless. The treatment, the birthday person comes up to me and says, you look so beautiful. Thank you so much for coming. And I said, thank you for having me. I grabbed, I grabbed a hand. I said, have a great night. Birthdays are great. And she said, I will. And then she danced away to the music. It was really nice. Martha Washington, she died 300 years ago. A lot of straight people, which is fine. Everybody's saying, oh my God, you look great. Who are you?

Of course. Lady Bunny. I said, well, you might know me from, and they're like, no, do you live here? I said, no, I live in Hollywood. You do? I said, yeah, I do TV. You do? I was like, okay. I'm a homeless person from outside. No, the energy was like, stick with it, girl. You're going to make it. And I said, thank you. So anyway, only an hour of DJing like Motown music. And then I went and sat while the people, the people had dinner. So it was like two hours. So I'm sitting in my dressing room that was private.

with an industrial air conditioner and the window open in San Francisco ice cold in there.

There wasn't just the rider. Was your cock and balls hard and too messant? Don't let these, never let them see you sweat. Don't let them know that this is the nicest you've ever been treated. Never. You keep them, but you're like, I guess it's fine. I know. Every type of tea I'd ever want with a slice of fresh ginger and lemon and a hot pot. Are you sure this actually happened? Then they have drinks, crudités. Were you asleep? In the bathroom, they go, we just want to make sure the bathroom is fresh for you. There's fresh flowers next to the toilet.

Fresh flowers next to the toilet. I know. I know. I know. So then, and I go to the bathroom area. They have cans of hairspray, makeup wipes. Like, like...

What about, where was the cyanide? Where was the anthrax? Was it a trap? It wasn't a trap. Well, half the reason I was there was because a few weeks ago I did a solid pink disco in Palm Springs and some of team Gaga was there and they saw me play. And so they reached out saying, Hey, do you want to play an opening set and a closing after Gaga at this private event? I said, sure.

So I'm DJing Gaga walks by I wave she blows me a kiss I didn't get to say hi because I'm scared of people So I just like waved Stephanie Joanne Germanotta Stephanie Elizabeth Joanne Julia Germanotta So after dinner everyone moves into the ballroom And I DJ after Gaga And so I go to watch her show And it's like her Vegas jazz show No way With all these musicians She's in feather headdresses A bustier There's maybe 110 people in the room

And we're all this close to her and everyone is excited, but not face melting the way like young queer people would be. I hate your guts. Young queer people would be like, oh my God, filming slay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. These respectful older people are like, yes. They're enjoying. They're just watching and dancing. They're enjoying, yeah. The vibe was so good. I knew, listen, I've loved Gaga from the first album. I'd never seen her live. The costume and the makeup and the hair and everything. Perfect.

I've seen the clips. Perfect. Best singing I've ever heard in real life. It was amazing. I've seen her. I've seen the clips of her. Now, I'm not a huge Gaga fan. I don't listen to her music on the regular, but listen, I'm a Russian pop girl. Who cares? The piano playing? Honey, sweetie, I've seen all the clips on Instagram of her Vegas show. It's full camp music.

Vegas spectacular. I want to go so bad, but it's done. I've never seen her Vegas show, so I can't say it is her Vegas show, but it was like her jazz set. Yes, this is, she's doing where she does like poker face as a jazz number. Oh, I don't know about that. She's in the full high hooker heel in a corset with a headdress, um, feathers coming out and she's at the piano singing, cheating out, telling jokes. And I was like,

This is maybe the best concert I've ever seen. And the clips that I saw, she was wearing full like Roxy Hart, Velma Kelly, Chicago. Yeah. Beaded fringe. Yes. Beaded cunty. It was amazing. Face snatched, makeup snatched. Makeup snatched. I mean, hair. Yanked. Everything. Full lace. Perfect. Like fierce, like coiffed dues. I mean, cunty. And I knew that was all going to be due. The quality of the singing and piano playing, I was like,

So you're telling me if it wasn't wigs and glitter explosions, you also are just a great musician. Am I a Gaga fan? It was amazing. It was amazing. This is, by the way, I have still quit smoking. This is a zero nicotine vape. So I just want you to know about that Miss Judgmental Pink Panther over there. I'm not saying anything. I know. It's not what you're saying. It's what your eyes are doing. Ogling me like I'm a villain, a crook, and a criminal. These are Sandro.

Who? Sandro Bernhardt. What about Sandrag Bernhardt? That's how I read her name on social media. Sandrag Bernhardt. Oh, yeah. It does kind of look that. Sandra G. Bernhardt. Remember the clip of her we saw on the best in the. Wait, have we ever talked about that?

There's this clip of her. I don't think we should. I'm scared of her. There's this clip of her. I'm scared. I'm scared. Mama, I didn't see the clip. You go ahead. Talk about it. I didn't see it. Tell me about it. Tell me what the clip you saw. There's this clip of her in New York at a Bad Bath and Beyond. And it's closing, I guess. And she's like, everything's closing. Support local businesses. Yeah, she says support local businesses. And I go, Bad Bath and Beyond? Yeah.

Am I a bed, bed, mama, mama, mama, it's not, that's a international conglomerate chain of people that she was, she was lamenting. Like she was at a mom and pop milkshake, like her local hardware store. That's been like owned by her family for 1400 years. Family paper. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Fox books. It just came in and ruined Meg Ryan's store. Yeah. The shop around the corner. And she was so bad and beyond in time square is shut down. The world is coming to you.

And I love that she's just like us and that it's the little things. No, if you wanted Pizza Hut or Domino's, you love Domino's. If your local Domino's closed...

Or if they discontinued the cinnamon sticks, you would have a meltdown. No, no, no, no. If they, let me say if, um, if that was her dominoes. No, no, no. If I, if like, um, if my, um, psychedelics dealer, um, uh, got nabbed by the Armenian mob, that would be my, I would be Sandra. I would be Sandra on Instagram live. Yeah. I'd be like, I can't get mushrooms anymore. Look at this. The shelves are empty. I mean, it's just, it's over. I was like, like she was like, go across the street.

It's so sickening. To the other, I mean, it's crazy. By the way, that's on .com. San Drag. The stores are still open. San Drag Bernhardt. Yeah. That's another drag name for you guys. She's going to be in a suburb and she's going to find one. She's going to be like, the movies are back.

You know, my story about her is in New York City, I ran into her quite literally, the most terrifying experience of my life. I bumped into her. She gave me the look like... She's an icon. She is an icon. I've seen her, and I told this before, when I was tripping on acid at home watching HBO, her nine months pregnant in a sheer dress during a stand-up one-woman show, a little too much information for my young acid eyeballs to process. Let's just say that. Wow.

Getting into that, I'm going to say that again. I was at home tripping on acid watching Sandrag Bernhard doing a one-woman show on HBO in a sheer dress while pregnant. That's a lot of information. So I ran into her and she gave me daggers like if she were an X-Men, she would have like vaporized me. I have one more thing about that gig to tell you.

So afterwards Gaga finishes. Say it for everybody. I'm just kidding. Gaga finishes. Okay. And then they have me, they go, we want you to start right when she's done, but we're not sure if she's doing an encore. So I'm behind the decks in my drag with my giant wig crouched down this low so they can't see me with my hand on the play button. Cause I'm like, all right, if she's really done, I want to be ready to hit it. Are you serious? Yeah. Cause I want it to be seamless and perfect. I want to get booked again. I want everybody happy with me. So I'm like this and like this and my wig's so big I have to like lay on the ground. So I have my hand up on the deck like this.

And you know, it's billionaires and Gaga and I'm back here like, so then I have to DJ only like an hour. And it was, did you love, not only do they have two, so I play two CDJ three thousands and a Nexus two mixer. They had one in the lobby for me to play and one in the ballroom, two sets. They were soundchecked perfectly for me. But what time I got there and then guess what's next to me in the booth, a jelly dildo. No, no.

A walk-in freezer from Oil Can Harry's. Close. You know those industrial air conditioners with the two hoses that shoot ice air? My NAC fan. These are the decks right next to me. Two air hoses this big with ice cold air. I had to turn it off because I was cold. Horny. Horny behavior. It was...

That's when my playing it cool went out the window. That's when I was like, you guys... And Jacob's... Our manager's there with me. Of course. And he's next to me. I'm going... I'm telling them like, I never get treated this good. No one ever looks out for me. What the fuck is wrong with you? How come you never got me this good before? I was like, turns out the straight people...

treat the drag queens better than the gay people. Well, let's just say Gaga's team came for the girl. She got the girl good. Honestly, Gaga's team looked out for me. That's the truth. Thank you, Gaga's team. Yeah, thank you, Gaga's team. But you know, they're probably used to

Drag queens and people in hot costumes, they know the score. She is a drag queen in a hot costume, honey. And she's been around the block. I'm sure she's secured all... I wish she would have been there. You hate singing. No, I don't. I was sitting there and I went... No, I don't. I'm a singer now. Right, right, right. Thank you. It crossed my mind several times. This... I'm seeing one of the best pop stars of all time in their prime in an intimate environment. And I'm getting paid to do it. Mama. Gratitudinous. Good thing happens to bad people. Happy Thanksgiving. Yeah. Happy Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving.

I talked to Miss Courtney last night on the phone for a good long while. You know, the author of When Perfect Things To Happen, Beautiful People. Right. And she was, my God, I swear to God, we are literally like, the two of us are...

I'm the bizarro version of her. Like the version of her that made all the wrong choices, all the bad decisions across the globe. She has a similar age, right? We're almost... I think we're just a mere three to four to six months apart in age. You see a picture of her in Drag Ego? That's my age. Except, sweetie, she's older than me and looks 10 years younger. Catch it. Cat shit. She is moving backwards in time somehow. And she is, to me...

She is like, I was like, she's the Anne Rice. She's the ultimate androgynous ideal because she's so stunning out of drag and she's so, but you know, not exactly a cartoon pilot. Of course. She's a vending machine of sexuality. She's like, what do you like guys or girls? Yeah. Great guys, girls, anything in between. I've got all shades. Yeah. And also, and then she's nice.

Funny. No, kind. Sweet. Insightful. She's a listener. She's... Self-deprecating. Self-deprecating. She's almost...

She can't really come for her because she's already come for herself. She's not a stuck up bitch. She's not a Pollyanna. No. She's not jaded. And she's not fake humble. She's like, I'm just an artist. So I called her because 20 years was the debut of her on Australian Idol. 20 fucking years. Which, by the way, if you haven't seen the clips, go watch them. It's drag light. It's denim skorts. But that's the time, Mary. That was 2001, 2002 or something. It's fierce. And she looks...

she looks how old it is mama and also for the first time in drags ish she's incredible yeah and it's you know i i just i'm so grateful for her she i like i just god god i love her so much adore did or no she did australian adored an american ada box did american i don't remember if any other drag queens have done idol but um yeah i don't know who knows but she's just so fierce she's living in sydney right now and um

you know oh god i miss her so much whenever she comes to town we have the only kiki i love her yeah and it's always like we pick up where we left off and we know exactly you know because it was one of those things like you with us with the drag race girls of a certain era especially because now there's so many girls and since covid we don't really get to meet them all um but uh we i mean i lived in her apartment for three months you know i like we're very very close and

there's just things that we can talk about that nobody else gets and that you can't talk about to other people because it either sounds so unrelatable or obnoxious or bizarre. Right. You know, like when we talk about felching, you know, unhoused individuals, people are like, yeah, I get that. But when we talk about, you know, jet lag, people are like,

you rich bitch. Well, we talk about a lot of things off the pod that are not pod appropriate. Things to do with money or people we don't like or whatever. Yeah, getting stolen from or getting embezzled, getting scandals, this, that, and the other thing. I'm going to just briefly check my notes because I know I'm forgetting something important. I would check my notes. Can't find my phone. So I completed a six-week porn cleanse. I fully completed six full weeks of not... I mean, and I'm talking abstaining from pretty much every single form of digital porn media.

Unfortunately, because of that, I had a, not a relapse, but I had a binge. I binge watched some porn, you know, which is two hours or something like that or an hour and a half maybe. But it felt like a binge, felt like I was a binge eating. I was on a diet and then I binge ate, you know? Well, what were you hoping that after six weeks you wouldn't want to watch porn? I wasn't hoping anything. I was just seeing what happened. But in my experience, any sort of sexual deprivation comes out in the wash later. You come back hornier and crazier.

Well, yeah, I don't know. I hadn't discovered that yet. So that's what I did. So you were open to whatever urges. Yeah. I mean, I think what I had hoped, I didn't plan, but what I had maybe hoped was that I would maybe not want to watch it at all. That I would rely on jerking off my imagination and then having sex with people in real life.

Do you think that there's a problem? You think you have a problem with porn? So the problem with porn that I have is that it's so closely connected to other bad behaviors like drugs. Drugs and watching porn are, for many tweakers, is hand in hand. When you came back binging, was it hand in hand? No. So that was very disorienting. So I jerked, I watched porn and it was...

And let me tell you, it was so overstimulating that it was like, it jostled my nervous system. I mean, imagine not, it's like when you open, when you're in the dark forever and you turn the lights on, your eyes are like, whoa, it was so overstimulating. Um, I, my, my, my, I think my, my, my nervous system was telling me there was triggering is triggering, triggering. I didn't use drugs.

But I kind of felt like I had. So I had sort of an emotional hangover the next day. But then I told myself, I was like, listen, calm yourself, bitch. Calm down. By the way, since when is jerking off automatically destructive? No, no, no, no, no. It's not. It's not. It's just that the patterns are so heavily grooved in my behavioral, in my psyche, my behavior, that going down that road with a different wagon felt like the same thing.

It's like people who... Maybe it's not the same. It's like people who quit smoking and then when they get drunk, they pick up a cigarette. They're associated behaviors. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, you're in the danger zone. Like if you open that laptop, all the sense memories, the reflexes, it's like, well...

A little Pukitina would make this even better. Yeah. But I didn't do that. Anyways. So, and then I, um, I was like, sex with men can turn into Pukitina. Yes. But for me, that's not usually the case. Okay. Those patterns aren't deeply grooved. I can count on two hands or maybe two sets of hands. Honestly, the amount of times I've PNP'd with someone, it's usually a solo activity, typically since 2008. So anyways, um, the, uh,

So I, but then I was like, okay, I'm giving myself a break. Girl, you just jerked off to porn. It ain't that deep. Calm the fuck down. And I immediately was like, Oh, cause I'm not, I'm not trying out for America's next top Buddhist monk. I'm not trying out for the chastity Olympics. Right. I'm not, there's no prize at the end of this, um, aesthetic, uh,

a path. It's just about finding balance and happiness. Recalibrating. So what I, so the, the happy middle that I've, I've, I've discovered or I've started implementing is if I want to watch some porn, I watch it, but I put a time limit and I shut it before I come. Yeah. As, as, as, as it, cause I want, I need it to make it interesting. Watching the same old porn, watching porn to me is not inherently interesting. I want to give it a shot. I want to make it challenging.

I come every time and I'm not watching porn longer than five minutes ever. Yeah. Well, you're seven years younger than me and you haven't fried out all of your dopamine receptors with drugs. So that might have something to do with it. I don't know. Also people had to build differently. I only come, I hardly ever come more than once a day. Anyways, we'll say as I get older, I'm more likely to do that in the morning than I am at night. Mm hmm.

Well, great. And now that I don't live alone, when I lived alone, I jerked off a lot more. Yeah. See, I live alone and I love autoerotic experiences. Mom, I got a butt plug up my ass. I'm stretching it out. The other day I was on the phone with you. I was on FaceTime with you and you sat down and you went, oh, I forgot I had a butt plug in and I just hung up. Sure did. I was eating lunch too. It was a very weird thing. Yeah, you were like eating lunch. This morning I put it in at 9 a.m.,

I trained from 10 to 11. You trained with this thing? I sure the fuck didn't. Training for what? Exactly. You do the math. Are you going to tow someone's truck from your ass? I'm going to be like...

I'm breaking dicks off. I'm keeping, I'm making a necklace, honey. One of those tailgates with the silver ball. You're going to sit on that and pull someone's F-150. Boop. Triple A right here. So what did you learn then? I guess. So I'm, so I'm doing, so basically I'm, when I'm training my glutes, training my lower body, I'm also conditioning my pelvic floor because I'm trying to not trying to, I'm training to bottom. No, I want resolution on the porn. Oh, so, okay. So as we stand right now,

I have very light, non-rigid guidelines for myself. They're just a general rubrics that I'm obviously, the main goal is no crazy drugs, obviously. And then that being said, in that arena, we can go, if you want to watch porn, watch porn, but listen to it first. Try just listening because that's fierce.

Audio only? Because if it's one of them fucking well-produced, incredible sound 4K straight porns with splish splash, let's take a bath. Oh, it's a lot of straight guys being like, oh, your pussy feels so good. No, no, no, no, no. They don't even have to say it because it's the sounds.

I prefer when there's no dialogue because mama, it is a sound design bonanza. Oh yeah. It's just fucking, it's, it's, it's very, very, it's extremely arousing and you don't know exactly know what's going on, but it's wet, it's hot and it's nasty. You know, there's a pilgrim moment in a soundstage somewhere turning butter and that's what they use for the pussy sound. Goody Proctor. Girl. Goody Proctologist. Miracle whip between two pieces of tofurkey and slapping them together. Yeah, exactly. The Foley artists.

The Foley artists. But the fucking...

You're finding your new boundaries. Yeah, so I'm recalibrating my sexuality and it feels like a sexual renaissance, which is really happy for someone of my age. Well, porn should be something you should enjoy without having to be afraid for what kind of behaviors it opens you up to. You know what I mean? Also, it lends itself to compulsive behavior very easily. It's desire. What I've seen around my age group in Los Angeles especially is that a lot of, let's say, guys, but a lot of people...

just don't even haven't even started the conversation or the, or the inquiry of like, how do I approach this? How do I approach desire and how do I identify it as a major contributor to my unhappiness? Cause that's exactly what it is. The Buddhists say desire is the root of all suffering. Cause if you don't want anything, you don't need anything. Yeah. I mean in a way. Yeah. But desire is the cause of why we suffer.

And that doesn't mean you live like, I don't want anything. I am a robot. Bloop. It's just that you look at all the things you crave, like a hungry ghost, like,

The things that you crave to fill you up, that there's a hole in your soul that a lot of people try to fill with you-know-what here in L.A. You know, bottomless cum dump weekends on OnlyFans. I've never done that, and I've also never really been into hard drugs. I'm trying to think of what my version of that is. I don't know. Look at her. I would never have guessed that by this outfit and presentation. I know. I look like I should be telling this story. You look like a nine-year-old. It's giving inpatient.

It's inpatient at Children's Hospital. Yeah. It's giving children mental health. JPB. Children's Behavioral Institute. Yes. It's giving Chimo, honestly. Well, I want to talk about my Christmas tree. Please. So we got a Christmas tree and I guess I thought I would be like placing them and I kind of made peace with like

If I place them and David moves them later, whatever, it's like, it'll look the best. And I know my strengths. I know he'll put together a better tree. What are your strengths? Not Christmas tree, right? Even me, I placed a few and I went,

I shouldn't. Flop. Flop. Yeah. So I lay down on the couch and I'm watching David decorate the tree. He's going at a speed that is about one ornament per 10 minutes. So he's like placing an ornament, walking around, pacing, looking at it. That's, I mean. He lays out every ornament we have on the table so that we know everything that's there. And then he starts placing them sort of in an order of

to least important. And, and I'm not saying I don't know how to decorate trees, but he, he goes big picture, right? He doesn't go up and down, right? He goes big picture and then he gets worse. Top to bottom. Really? Yes. And he started inside, outside. So he starts by hanging ornaments at the trunk. That's what you have. You got to go. That's the key. I've never seen that. A lot of people don't know this when you're, I know this is so, Oh my God, it's so fascinating. Um, but when you're doing a tree, you have to go in. So I've never done that. Yeah. Never knew. He,

He did it and I was like, why is he taking so long? I'm like, what are you doing? Density. He started about 3 p.m. I woke up at 3 a.m. and he was finishing. Oh, the tree fell over in the middle of the night? So I woke up to him screaming and the tree was on the floor and he was screaming. Who's he underneath it saying, please don't. Like six ornaments fell off and you would have thought our house burned down. He was like, oh. He's screaming, like covered in blood, screaming. But then of course, I'm also a little bit bitter. I go to bed like, fine.

I won't help because if I put an arm on the tree, it's going to get moved because I don't know what I'm doing. I go to sleep. What a lovely wife. I go to sleep. I wake up, I look at the tree and I know in my heart there was no way I was able to provide what was provided. I saw the tree. It looks so beautiful. It was stunning. And,

The scale of big ornaments to medium to small layered into the trunk of the tree. I was like, yes. I was like, this makes every tree I've ever had look like shit. Like, like Jack looks like a fucking hammered shit. Yeah. Looks like a fucking $3 hooker, like left out in the rain. Yeah. Yeah. And then we're, I mean, I love holiday and I've never, you love holiday holiday. Fantastic holiday right here. Fantastic holiday. Well, I have a hard time with, uh,

I don't know how to explain it. Wearing clothes that aren't pink. Yeah. I have a hard time with, I say like, oh yeah, there is bears in the woods. I have a hard time with. With plurals? Yeah. Sometimes. So I love holiday. But I love holiday. I go through hell during holiday. It's kind of like English is my second language. I'm like, I love holiday. It's okay. English is horrible. Yeah. I love holiday. I know. But I love Christmas. Christmas is cunty. But I love all of everything.

Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Solstice, any expression of winter holiday. Okay. I support it. I love it. I'm here for it. I guess what the best thing about Christmas is with different Christian traditions, of course, you get Russian Christmas. Mama, that's January 7th. The remix, the sequel, part two.

Because they go... You go American Christmas, you go New Year's, you go Russian Christmas. The sandwich of Christmases. Wait a minute. They're not on the same day? No. It's the Julian calendar, I think, or something like that. I'm not sure. Or the Gregorian... I don't know what the fuck calendar kind of is. But Russian Christmas is the 7th of January. Oh, oh, oh. I will say... And...

I've never had a house, a freestanding house to decorate where it's like arches, stairs. Okay, rich. Okay, rich. Servant's quarters. I had like a good day and a half of... Stables with horses. It was gender euphoria for my home. Ho-phoria. Yes. I was like, this is the holiday home I've always wanted. It's when your house becomes a home. It's a luxury and a privilege. It's beautiful. The TV with the fake fireplace. Okay, let's not get overboard, Miss Thing. We don't have people come robbing you. The fireplace.

Little figurines. Do you know how bad I want a Christmas village? That batch elder fireplace. That batch elder. But I can't post any pictures because I can't give away what my house looks like. I know because you did a TV show, honey. So just imagine there's Christmas stuff. It's pretty. It's very pretty. She texts me and I goon out and all that. Horny. I know she's very horny. She's horny Hollins and they're Christmas. I FaceTimed my mom and I showed her the tree and I said horny. Horny holiday. Yeah. Holidays are great.

They are, but listen, they're not for a lot of people though. Not to be a contrarian or a downer, you know, holidays, like alcoholic families, things like that. My heart goes, I was like, I was talking to my friend who, I was like, hey, she's like, how are you doing? I was like, good. I was like, I haven't, she's like, have you still not smoked? I was like, haven't smoked.

And I was just like wishing her like a happy holidays. And she's like, this is a tough time of year for me. My dad died of lung cancer at 63. And I was like, oh shit. She never told me that. And she said that, yeah, I would, about six weeks before he died, I said, you got to quit smoking or you're going to die. And he fucking died of lung cancer. So happy holidays. Well, I guess...

My advice to enjoying yourself at the holiday time is doing what you want to do. Which is not... If your family really bothers you, don't go home. Yeah, and sometimes you have to, but sometimes... But you know what? You can always get up and walk away. Get up and walk away. And don't go. Listen, I love every single person in my family, but...

I don't want to spend more than three days in a row with them. Sometimes more than two. And I don't have to, if I don't want to. Maybe that's a luxury. Maybe that's not, I'm not sure, but it's a choice that I make. Well, I always usually do Thanksgiving with David's family and then I'll do actual holiday with David's family. And then I'll usually go to New Year's to Milwaukee. Love that. For family. Yeah. Yeah. And then you come do Russian Christmas in my house.

And then you do ass to ass on the table for a bunch of businessmen. I do taking loads. I love on the apps when it's like... Not holiday loads. No, I love when they're like, I'm on my third load. I love when they're counting it. What about with those long texts that are like, you ready to have your turkey stuffed, you bimbo slut? With all the emojis in the ads. Stop. You know what I go? I go immediately. I go, contact, info, block, delete. Why do they do that? I don't know. I don't ask. I block, delete, and move on. It's not funny. It never was.

Contact. Info. Block. Delete. Forget. Spit on your grave. Okay, bye. Bye. Happy holidays. Oh, happy holidays again. Merry Christmas, all that stuff. And a happy new year. Remember, every year is a new opportunity to become a different person.

True.