Soaring Like a Fabulous Bald Eagle with Trixie and Katya
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And I want two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Hey, you're looking great. How about that? I'll say it. Yes, I'll say it. You look great. Thank you. I'll say it. Okay. I'll say it.

Why do you actually look good? Wait, not me looking at you and thinking, wow, she's like not disgusting. It's the not throwing up for me. It's the lack of aspiration of my vomit while looking at you for me. Yeah, it's the lack of vomit production for me. By the way, if you're listening to this in the car, I have on a zip up hoodie that says Red Table Talk. And we are going to the Red Table. Actually, we are broadcasting live from the Red Table. Yes. JPS.

Honey, it's on. JPS? I was like, something public schools? Yeah, not actual. I mean, let's not drag her into this, but we are going to the Red Table. We are going to the Red Table. The executive director of photography for Trixie Motel season one and two works on Red Table. And I said, you know, Katya and I talk about the Red Table all the time. And as a wrap gift, he brought me this. And he said, I said, I wasn't sure if you wanted it. I said, am I a Nicki fan? Am I a Nicki fan? Pull up in the Sri Lanka. I was like,

Do you not think I would wear a Red Table Talk hoodie? Look at the, clock the microphone color. What color is she? She's a red circle. Red circle. If you watch every episode of Bold and Beautiful, there is a red table that's been inching into frame one millimeter at a time.

Mama Greer. Red, green color blindness. Red, green color blindness. Once you regain, once you achieve wisdom, that green invisible table will turn red and you will be gagged. Totally. Well, when we have other guests, like when I had Kathy and you had Natasha, that's our red table talks because we have someone else and we're like, so when would the trauma begin? Well, it's funny because she was redheaded and I was red faced because I was so nervous doing Natasha and you were so funny. That TikTok of you with the...

I got married in Italy. You do it. I'll do her. It's like, I got married in Italy. Did I say you copy my wedding? Who's saying at my wedding? Andrea Bocelli. It's so fucking funny. Yeah. She was a great. I don't even know the meme. I don't care. It doesn't matter. And then, and then, oh yeah. So funny. Classic. Then she went down to me. She was making a tick tock in the, in the parking structure of this building. She was in the trash can. She was really giving your tea. She climbed in the trash can and she was in a red sequined suit.

Let's celebrate that.

Kathy Griffin, you've secured a lifelong fan in me, baby. Kathy Lee Gifford 8. Kathy Lee Griffin. Kathy Lee Griffin came down. Kathy Lee Griffith. Yeah. Kathy. You know, I'm excited for- Love Kathy. I'm excited after this because I got two 6 p.m. tickets to see the fucking ballad of Songbirds and Snakes, the new Hunger Games movie, and I'm horny. Guess who's horny, honey? Guess who's pussy's wet, honey, for the new Hunger Games movie, baby? I'm horny.

I'm so horny for it. I'm going to walk in there with a big fucking purple, purple, trimax log. Oh,

A log. Duct tape to your leg so it doesn't move. And then the duct tape's going to give while I'm trying to get in the seats and I'm going to hit someone in the face and go, oh, sorry. And they're going to die. They're going to die. And the whole time the movie is playing, my dick is going to be in danger of, if you have an erection longer than four hours, go to the hospital. Priapism? How do you call it? Priapism. Priapism. I do have to. I knew you wouldn't go and I knew you wouldn't care because this movie is almost three hours long.

Sweetie. A YA movie. Tootsie. Baby. Baby. Honey. Honey, darling, baby, sweetie, tootsie. Sweet home Alabama. Risa with her spoon. And I'm going to say this. I love The Hunger Games. I know. I know this didn't have to be a three-hour movie. I know it. We all know it.

We all know it because at three hours... Come to the red table. You better be Titanic. Sit down at the red table. You better be gone with the wind. You got to earn that three hours. Put your hands on the red table. Feel the red table. Feel the red belt. Feel the red table. I wish Jada Pinkett Smith on the red table talk every episode she had an actress and said, why was your movie so long? So let's talk about the elephant in the room, the length of your movie. Thank you. Jada's like, I was in Scream 2. An hour, 30 minutes. Yeah. Perfect length. What do you have to say? Yeah. So justify the...

We should have a show where we just have actors who have been in long movies and we make them explain themselves. Marty Scorsese. Actually, you know what? He's the only one I will not come for because guess what? He produces masterpieces. Sorry about it. Or Quentin Tarantino. I've never felt like one of his movies was long. I have 90. There are some exceptions. However, for example, just throwing it out there not to hate on women, but Portrait of a Lady on Fire. Celine Shimia, I believe. I don't know how to say her name. Sorry.

This was heralded as the critics as a perfect perfection, tour de force, a masterpiece of cinema. While every frame was indeed gorgeous. You distill a printout, hang it up on your wall. As a film, boring boots. Do you like cartoon sleeping? Like Hong Shoo, me, me, me, me, me. Hong Shoo, me, me, me, me, me. Hong Shoo, me, me, me, me, me. Red Table, me, me, me, me, me.

come to the table, put your hands on the table and tell me why the movie was so boring boots. Also, Todd Haynes is May, December, a feature film featuring Julianne Moore and Natalie Portman.

Right now in theaters. Oh, did you watch it? I sure did. Did you live? I know I did not. In fact, I did the opposite of live. The trailer made it seem so promising. That's the fun thing about trailers. They lie. They lie. They do lie. Oh no. We're doing runtime and we're doing trailers at the Red Table Talk. Because the trailer, which I've seen, the trailer promises it to be

The kids are all right. The kids are right. We need to talk about Kevin. Yes. The fabulous. A little bit. Hand that rocks the cradle. Oh, I wanted mama. If you've a little bit. Mama. If you, if you dangle miss Rebecca DeMornay, hand that rocks the cradle in front of me with a, there was a, there was an inhaler. Single white female, a little bit. All of these things you're mentioning are gripping psychological dramas involving complicated female characters. Sign me up. This was nothing of the.

the sort. And I am very familiar with Ms. Todd Haynes and her work. Who's Todd Haynes? Todd Haynes is a director who has done Far From Heaven, Julianne Moore, like a period piece, like an homage to classic 50s cinema where there's a gay storyline.

Like an overwrought melodrama. Okay. Stylized. Interesting. He also did Safe with Julianne Moore, which is a complicated, not very, it's a complicated kind of a slog. Interesting. Interesting. But not pulse pounding thriller by any means. Okay. This movie was fucking boring, bitch. No. It sucked. I will say it. Julianne Moore. And you went in hopeful. I went in hopeful. Am I a Nicky fan? Am I a Julianne fan? Am I a Natalie fan? Yeah. Pull up in the Annihilation. Pull up in the Garden State. Get out.

Julian. Girl, pull up in the Boogie Nights. Pull up in the Hannibal. Yeah, that's what I mean. If there was somebody who was going in, I was rooting for you. We were all rooting for you. It was you. I was rooting for the three of those motherfuckers. And guess what? The only, and this is so, this is so typical. And maybe it speaks to my fucking horrible, stupid prejudice experience. But the only saving grace of this fucking film was that when one of the characters was fucking another character and he pulled out, you saw his hard dick.

It was a shadow, but it was proportionate. James. What was that? James. That was me. It jostled me out of my slumber. I was like... Is this movie so boring that I wished a dick into it? Is that what happened? Could have been. Rewriting history in real time. It was... And then it ended and I could not...

Mimi, I'm first. Third in the voting. I could not believe it. They come up to you. It's 1 a.m. at the AMC. The movie ended two years ago. You grafted to the fabric. They go, sir. And you go, oh, it can't be over. Also, don't misgender me. Thank you. You cross your leg. It's a pump. You said, don't misgender me. A gas pump. Wait, hold on. One last thing. A little button for this movie. Todd Haynes, I got your number, hussy.

That's it. That's it. That's it. Well, I hope I have a different experience at Ballad of Songbirds and Stakes. Brock saw it today. He said Viola 8. Yeah, I'm normally... Listen, when you're an adult, I'm 34, when you go to see a YA thing... You're a groomer. Well...

I don't want it to be Twilight. But even when I watched Twilight, I was like, this isn't for me. I'm just going to watch it through the lens of it's not for me. But that's a bad movie. Young people... Hunger Games is great. Movies geared towards younger people do not mean bad. They don't have to be watered down or, you know, it doesn't have to be a fucking X-rated slasher movie to be like good. Although...

Thanksgiving was lit. Well, some YA things are, I was just watching, okay, I just watched Home Alone again and I went, David, this movie is impressive because even though the primary character is a kid and the whole movie is through the lens of a kid, as an adult, I don't feel like I'm watching a kid's movie. It's pretty amazing. And then the Hunger Games movies, it did feel like

YA story, but as an adult, you're invested. It's a story about a family. And it's also about like... There's a lot of big themes going on, right? The metaphors of like capitalism and eat or be eaten or like, you know, the corrupt power. The Running Man. You ever seen that movie with Arnold Schwarzenegger? The old 80s movie, The Running Man? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Fucking fierce. Well, it made me think... And it also...

It's sort of like crack open. Anything like battle Royale, squid game, anything that's the themes of like people. Lord of the flies. Doggy dog shit. Love yellow jackets where it's like, you know, internal cannibalization. Yeah. But I watched something called the squid game game. Okay. Do you remember? Okay. June squib. June squib. So there's June squib games. And now there's a show that is a competition of,

It's just the squid. They pretend to be, they're in the track suits. They're playing red light, green light, but they don't get shot. James, they have a device that goes off and black fluid shoots out of their chest and they fall. These are not actors. They fall down dead, but they're not good actors. So like, it's like the, the red light, green light. And some of them, if they die, their chest thing goes off. And instead of an award-winning like actor,

Going for it. It's like your aunt Stephanie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Her thing goes off and she's like, Oh crap, I gotta die now. But then some of them are invested. Some of them as they die, they're crying like they're dying for real. It's community theater, Mary. It's community theater. The Crucible. The community theater. Les Miserables. It's waiting for Guffman. But I also thought- Corky Sinclair. If this series was about-

like being critical of systems that are about people reaching for money because the systems keep them down. We're actually now watching people compete for money online.

It felt anti the message of the show. Yeah. It's also like, okay, this late capitalist satire. Now we're going to make another version. I know. Now we're going to make a late capital. We're going to make a version of it. That's the defeats. Oh my God. They're like asking the contestants, like, what would you do with the money? Cause they went 4.86 million dollars. The most money ever awarded on reality TV.

Oh, so it's not. Okay. Which by the way, I looked it up. The government, it's count is, it counts as lottery winnings. 40% of that is 1.6. The government would take $1.6 million of that. Get into that. Which government? Korean or US? The Republic of Chad. Oh,

Chad. Not the country, just a bunch of like uppity blonde white guys. Chad. Yeah. Just redheads with real bad personalities. But I was, you're right. It's a critique on like late stage capitalism, but then we're watching it. It's a damning critique. And then, and then, and then now we're just playing. And in the interviews, they're like, well, my dream with this money would be to pay off my house. I mean, is that even a realistic dream? And I'm like, I'm like, so by dystopian future, we meant 18 months from now. Yeah. Topian future. Yeah. Yeah. We meant soon. Soon.

The Bald and the Beautiful is supported by FX's English Teacher. From Paul Sims, the executive producer that brought you What We Do in the Shadows, FX's English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school.

I cannot wait to see this amazing new show with the preternaturally hysterical Brian Jordan Alvarez. It's from the producer of one of the greatest TV shows of all time. And can I let you in on a little secret? A certain Miss Trixie Mattel makes a guest appearance on the show and whoa, it is a sight to behold. Take it from me, a connoisseur of quality television programming. You do not want to miss this show. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

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Was Squid Game a trailer for this? There you go. Back to trailers. Fucking A, bitch. I need, so trailer, so the fake, I don't know if you remember the double feature talking about long run times. I didn't see it as a double feature. No, I did. I saw Death Proof and Planet Terror in the theater. Me too. Oh, you did. So you definitely saw the trailer for Thanksgiving. Yes. The fake trailer for it. White meat, dark meat, all will be carved. Yeah.

Yes. This Thanksgiving. You'll go home. Thanksgiving. In a body bag. No, Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving. It was just called Thanksgiving. Remember it had famously had the, the girl jumping on the trampoline doing the split, the knife going in the pussy. Yeah.

You'll go home in a body bag. It was like that, that, that like very funny low voice. It's like that low Tony votes like budget this Thanksgiving movie. You'll go home in a body bag. Obsessed. Of course. Cut to what? I don't know. 10 years later. Yeah. Eli Roth makes the fucking movie. I am so pumped up. I see no promotion for it except a billboard on sunset. No promotion. I was like, this can't be real. I guess it's real. Addison fucking Ray.

The one from He's All That? Yes. The young woman, the TikToker from He's All That, honey, ate her dinner in this film. Really? I didn't even know it was her. I'm sorry. I resent everything. Because we did not live for He's All That. No, no, we did not live for her. But guess what? At first you don't succeed, try and try again. And this young lady, this young lady-

Sure did arrive at that table and went chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp

And she was. She ate. I'm sorry about it. I don't care if anybody has a different opinion. She was... I trust you. I was not a fan of He's All That or She's All That or whatever the fuck that was on Netflix. But you know what? This movie was so... Well, we don't exactly get shown...

The creme de la creme of things. We're not getting, we're not getting, we're not tweeting like Martin Scorsese's new Irish. Yeah. Seated for no country for old men. Seated. Girl, I would be seated and gooning and fapping to that. Do you love when people tweet seated for blank? I do. And I like also lensed by. Lensed by. Lensed by. Seated by and lensed for. Yes. I'm seated and I'm lensed and I'm horny. Yeah.

Okay. Horny Hollins. Seated for the Irishman. But I have a question for you. I want you to think about this. So Thanksgiving, not to give anything away, was an incredible slasher film with incredible, gory, nasty, creative, unique kills.

One more exciting than the next. Obviously by Eli Roth, who's a horror aficionado because he knows what you're expecting. He does something else. What other things does he make? Hostel, for example. Oh, okay. He was actor in Inglourious Bastards. He was the bear Jew, the Jew bear or whatever. Anyway, he's done a lot of stuff. Oh, the Jew bear. Yeah, yeah. Hot, man. Hot, honey. Oh, he was also in Death Proof. Remember, he's in the scene where he's like, we're going to get him a little drunker and take him home. Oh, yes. He's...

Two-hander. Those big eyebrows. I'm a two-hander. Can't reach the... Soup cans. Yeah, two soup cans. Soup kitchen time. Slurp, slurp at the soup kitchen. Monster energy drink. Honey, two of them. Those big, thick, long cans. Double barrel. Honey, it's pipes. Girl, it's a can of gasoline. That big red square with the yellow tube. It's the tube at the bank. Baby doll.

It's a oil tanker. It's a rig. It's a rig in the middle of the ocean. It's a 16-wheeler in the middle of the ocean. We don't know. We don't know. We're speculating. We know. What we do know is that... Sometimes you just know. That's like when people are like, well, then when people are like, he took out his dick and I was surprised by its smallness or bigness. I'm like, don't you read vibes? Don't you have x-ray psychic powers?

Oh, see, I... I'm usually pretty right about that stuff. Oh, really? Yeah, and I don't care either way. Give me your giant, massive Godzilla dick. Give me your baby dick. I don't care. I don't care. Said the groomer. Said the groomer. No, but listen. So this was... But I... This movie was so bloody, so nasty, so awesome, so thrilling. And a pretty clear-cut, thrilling revenge tale, which was so... Oh, so... I need...

In my horror movies nowadays, I need a revenge fantasy that has good guys and bad guys and no ambiguity. There's too much going on in the world right now for me for there to be... You need pirates and like, you know, Peter Pan. No, that's even too much. I need like, you killed my family, so I'm going to kill you now. That's it. Right. I just need, okay, this person was wronged. Rightly, they're going to get their just desserts, whatever. That's what I need. This is kind of pretty much what you get. Also with Saw 10, that's exactly what you got. But...

a little complicated anyways. So I just wish that instead of all of the ways that we depict violence, represent violence in the juiciest, goriest, nastiest way. What if we did that with sex? Mainstream. I'm not talking about porn. Of course we've done that. But that's private, personal shh.

I'm talking about mainstream representation. I know, but what? But Mary, you know that there's discourse now about how if there's sex in movies, it shouldn't be there. So that is exactly what I'm saying. But we have no problem. There's no... I couldn't help but wonder. Well, I'm clack, clack, clacking at my laptop in 1996 a la Carrie Bradshaw. I couldn't help but wonder, why is there no discourse about...

The dumpster that sawed off a woman's body in half and then her lower half was placed on the spike of a front of a store vagina slammed onto the spike for everybody to see. That's okay. But I can't see some titties. My children can't see some titties, the same titties that they sucked on to get their life nourishing milk when they were young or they would have died. Yeah.

Red table talk. Yeah. I mean, listen, I get it. But I also think. What the fuck? I think any amount of censorship is stupid. Like in movies, the fact that on TV we even bleep an F word. You think I don't know at a five-year-old? You don't think I know that they're saying fuck?

I know. You think I don't know that? But words are words though. Words are arbitrary. These breasts are real and they're like, they're a part of life. But that, we don't want that accent to that person's head. That's something we don't want. We do want breasts. We want breasts to get sucked on and licked and rubbed on and whatever and felt up and all that kind of stuff. Whatever. I think people think that- We want women to squirt.

I think people think that if a kid sees boobs or something, I don't know what will happen. I don't know what will happen. Guess what? They see them. They see them when they breastfeed from their mama's titties. Yeah. Like I just saw them. They saw them and they sucked on them. And what? Think about that. If you're like a young straight guy, the first time you put a titty in your mouth, you're like, oh my God, this is my first time sucking on a titty. No, it isn't. The first was your mom, bitch. Mama. Yeah. Talk about that. Red table. Girl. Girl.

You were riding on her back. She threw it over her shoulder and you sucked on it like it was a camel backpack. Bam. The remix. Long stringy titties.

But so I was like thinking about all this creativity, all of this, the, um, the, the, the, the cinematic tradition, because it goes, I mean, you know, we've been doing it for almost, I don't know, almost a hundred years of violence in movies. And like, there's the creativity, there's a reinvention. There's, um, there's such an ingenuity and, and, um, inventiveness with it, how to depict it, how to represent it. If we had been doing that with sex rather than violence, mama, not only would we have been liberated, but there would be no war.

There'd be no war. It would just be a race to see, Hey, how fucking, I bet I can squirt more than you can bitch. And you're like, Oh, Oh, you think so? Deborah? I'm like, yes, Diane, I do. Philip, get a couple of empty jars. It's squirting time. And people are like, this is stepmom. Yeah, exactly. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is stepmom part three. This is, this is stepmom part three, the remix. Yeah.

This is Waterworld. Yeah. Honey, not Kevin Costner. Susan Sarandon. Mad Max Fury River. I was watching some straight porn and one of the scenarios I scrolled across was granny picks up unhoused teen and teaches him how to have sex. Let's take a break.

That's what I'm saying. That's what I said. I folded my dick up like origami and I put it away in the sock drawer. I said, we're done. Straight people are wild. Girl, like, I know in gay world we do false them, we do piss in the face, whatever, but straight people... Girl. Woo! Like, straight people, the scenarios where it's like, it's like those, it's like...

but my granddaughter just got home. It's lo-fi beats. It's too specific. It's lo-fi beats. It's lo-fi beats. Yeah. Getting put under at the dentist when right before he reaches his hand down my pussy, my ex comes in and they get in a fight and fuck in front of me. It's like- It's the detective. It's the footage, the CCTV footage sent to Italy of me getting assaulted at the dentist because Hannibal Lecter was in the area at the time. Sponsored by CapCut. Yes!

Vertical. Yeah, vertical. Vertical video. And backwards. Yes. So I have to tell you about something that happened. I told you a little bit on the phone. I'm going to check my notes too because I made notes. I did make notes. I did something so horrible. Podcast topics. Thank you. I've been taking notes too because even I'm disappointed in us. Wait, these are from the show. Hold on.

Oh, Cole Escola's our home out West. Oh, I haven't watched it yet. Let me get ready to take a big sip and get ready to prick those ears up. Cause I'm going on a diatribe. Tell me. We get Thanksgiving. So I hosted at my house. You did not show up. That's fine. Um, I did something really underhanded, which was to go be with my family.

And that was wrong of me. I'm sorry. And I'm never going to forget it. You're like, what about your chosen family? I will forgive you, but I'll never forget it. So Andrew and I, and I, it's hard to keep pin me down when I have guests over. I love to wander. I love to wiggle. I have to be alone. I love to just like, no, because it's like you guys are coming up, but thanks for coming over. Anyway, have a great night. And you just go to your room and close the door. No, I don't close the door, but I kind of wander. You know what I mean? I go up, down. I'm all around the shower.

I did take a shower. I did take a shower. I was in the shower while guests arrived. Love. I came out wet with the towels like Christine. So anyways, Andrew literally had to. Christine, you're like, he's like, my name's Andrew. Andrew literally had to, he had to do everything but go grab me by the ear and sit me down in the thing to turn on Cole's thing. And I know Cole is great. Well, you're an entertainer, but you're not necessarily an entertainer. I'm not an entertainer. I'm hard to be entertained.

Well, you're not Martha Stewart. Am I a Nicki fan? I mean, am I a Martha fan? You're Patrick Stewart. Am I a Martha fan? Actually, mama, ask me if I can fold a fitted sheet. Ask me, ask me, ask me. Can you fold a fitted sheet? Yes, I sure the fuck can. Exactly the way Martha Stewart cannot. She humiliated this woman on her show. Watch it. Look it up.

Fold a folded fitted sheet Martha Stewart. She had an expert who could do it and then she had a guest from the audience who couldn't do it and she humiliated this woman. She humiliated this woman. She's like,

Look at you. It was fierce. But Martha couldn't do it either. She couldn't do it either? No, of course she didn't. Of course she didn't. Fucking bitch. Love her. Blast houses. Honey, snoop doggy dog. If you're going to read people, you better come in there and it better look, it better be a paper crane. It better be perfect. You don't even do that. You say, this is my fitted sheet you pulled out from under the thing. I folded it earlier before you guys got here. Exactly. It's like, my souffle was made just this morning. Anyways, long story short, Cola Skol is our home out west.

A 30-minute masterpiece. I can't wait to see it. It's every single second is beautiful. Fabulous, funny, poignant. Actually, I mean, I almost cried, Mary. He's amazing. He's a genius. And Macy Rodman, I'm not going to give it away. Macy Rodman is featured as a whore. And she says, well, they need more girls who know how to felch without throwing up. And then she goes...

white her line delivery is just like that's the that's amazing you know i mean that's i can't wait to see it the cover art first of all i know it's supposed to be funny he looks beautiful the nerve of her she looks beautiful i'm gonna talk to i'm talking to you cola scola the nerve of you to put on lipstick and that's it and look great not great not great

I don't think a razor has ever touched that skin. She has like a demi lash on on the cover. Like it's like nothing. Demi lash. Like lashes, like baby individual lashes. I don't think she even has lashes on. She's got a pencil thin brow. She's got full, maybe half, like she's got bare minerals, a little bit of blusher, a red, red lip. And the cunt that she serves is so fucking, there's, she comes out in this red dress and then a pink gauzy scarf.

And I'm like, everybody, every faggot in the room was like, oh,

Like it was so cunty and it's just so funny. Amy Sedaris is in it. It is just, it's just perfection. It's perfection. It's perfect. Is it, where's it available? YouTube. Oh, for free. Watch it on YouTube for free people. Mimi, I'm first third in the voting. I could not believe it. It was, it was, I mean, I don't want to gas it up so much. In a time of Disney plus being about 75, 99 a week. And guess what? Guess what? Guess what? I rated it is.

PG, of course. PG. Wow. I think. They say felch and it's PG? What's felch mean? We don't know. Exactly. The government doesn't tell us. But they don't say fucked, I don't think. Oh my God, there's a moment where this guy has a... What's the premise? Our home out west. So, I'm not even going to tell you. Okay, I'm going to watch it. It's a western. Okay, that's all you need to know, right? Yeah, it's a western. It's a beautiful... It's just...

Oh, it's so funny. It's so funny. It's so good. And it's actually, there's a moment where she's teaching a lesson to this young boy and it's done in a way that is, is so beautifully poignant. And, and this is a extremely funny satire that is like so many layers of comedy, slapstick, absurd, bizarre, um, dirty, dirty, pouty mouth, um, double entendres, triple entendres, whatever, whatever. And then in

And then it has this moment of sincerity where she teaches people where she teaches the boy why some people are intolerant. And it's like, like dab, dab. And then boom, you can't cry because there's another joke. It's fucking fierce. I loved it so much. In 30 minutes. We love short.

Sweetie, that was it. Love short. 30 gorgeous, perfect minutes. If I edited the Titanic, it would have been 25 minutes. 22 with the commercials. 22 with the commercials. Sitcom. Totally. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like 22 and a half. Iceberg. And then we go.

You would go to a commercial break and they would be just getting on the ship and after commercial break, they'd be floating on the door. The old woman would just go. That's it. I would like to recap something that occurred a couple of weeks ago, which is I was waiting outside my therapist's house and I had to pee so bad. I had to pee so bad. I wasn't sure I wanted to share this story, but I was thinking about it today and I was like, I have to. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't share the story. No, no, no. You need to write. No, this needs to be. No, no.

We're taking our headphones off, Park. We can still hear you. We're not off the air because you took off the headphones. If I can't hear it, nobody can.

You have to save this story. It's too good. Okay. Well then, you know what? Maybe some other point for the Patreon. I'm going to let the listeners that know at home that I heard this story on the telephone. I called you because you're the only person. I hope you take this the right way. I know. I know. I know. I know exactly. Who can I tell that has been through something worse? ET. Right here. And I called you and what I had done was so... So flagrantly bizarre. And so sex offender-y without being...

It was so John Waters-ish. It was so genitals in public. It was John Waters-esque. Yes, yes it was. Like this is part of a John Waters movie. And because of the nature of it, I had to be so casual while it was happening. Like from the neck up, you would think I was daydreaming, but there was other stuff going on. It was Lynchian. It was the perfect, it was David Lynch and John Waters and then you. It was Waterworld.

It was a bug's life. Don't give it away. Okay, I'll tell later. Because you know why? This is going to be the cold open of a feature film. And I don't care if you write it or I write it or somebody else write it. It's brilliant. And it's going, you can't tell the story. Promise me. I'll just say that it ends with David asking me, why is there a huge hole in your underwear? Okay, perfect. I don't know. Leave it at that. I just said, I don't know. Leave it at that. Because even he doesn't know. It's so weird. The secret life of pets. Mama, the secret, the divine secrets of the pee-pee sisterhood. Oh my God.

Okay, next topic. I have to tell you about this. Do you know about, there's a TikTok thing going around. So I don't know anything about TikTok. I'm sorry. So apparently straight guys spend a lot of time thinking about the Roman Empire. There's been a trend of girls going to their boyfriends. Hey, just casually, do you ever think about the Roman Empire? And the straight guys are going all the time. That's so funny. You say that all the time. Apparently straight guys think about it a lot. They walk into a room with like a pillar and they're like Roman Empire.

They walk in a room with a bath. They're like, oh my God, Roman baths. Stray cats are obsessed with the Roman empire. Why? I don't believe this for a second, but here's why. Here's why. So I'm not to be a cynic and I'm not trying to, I'm not trying to know, but you honestly, I don't trust. I don't trust anything from online. Yes. Only because I know that, um, I know from, I know from personal experience that, um,

My social media, my curated social media reality has no bearing whatsoever proportionally or to reality itself. So whatever the algorithm, whatever, you know, the algorithm of whatever social media platform is, is feeding me, curating for me. I have to, I intrinsically know to, or I intuitively know to mistrust, not trust that because I

It's all I need is three instances. And then it's a confirmed, not only a fact, it's a commandment in the Bible. Do you know what I mean? Like, no, no. If I see three things,

Three rumors online. It's true now. It's not only true. It's like, I am like, it was like you with Oprah. You, you, you were like, you were next to Oprah. Then you were on top of Oprah. Right. And then you were fucking Oprah. And now you and Oprah were married. You know, it's the whole thing. I don't need a lot to help me convince, convince me of untruths or false truths or whatever. Well, the other thing people are saying on Tik TOK, I guess there's a movement that Margot Robbie, Margot Robbie is just mid looks wise, which is so fascinating and crazy and incredible and wild and,

So it's like people, it's like people on a, people on a green screen being like, everybody says she's pretty, but actually she's really mid and here's why. Mid cum because the only thing she's mid is ropes. Ropes. She's mid. Nerds ropes. She's in the middle of a stream of cum flowing from every single person's pussy and dick. And dick. And those without genitals. There's cum everywhere. Asexuals are gagged by her. People with vasectomies. Thank you. Cum watching her. People with vasectomies do cum. They just don't have any swimmers.

There's still cum that comes out? Yeah. I thought nothing came out. No. I didn't know that. No, no, no. That would be a castrato. Like if you take the balls off. I thought when you had a vasectomy, nothing came out. No, no. Vasectomy is just no more swimmers. No, you can't get somebody pregnant. Oh, my grandpa called it shooting blanks. Exactly. But you're still shooting. Vasectomies are reversible?

Honey, sweetie, darling, here's my theory. If I were the president, okay, Madam President, I would do this. No more drive... Okay, cars, illegal, number one. We would ramp up... We'd use all the money from the Defense Department to do trains. Mama, the fiercest trains you've ever seen in your life. Three, no more driver's license. Instead, we would have every man not circumcised at birth, vasectomied at birth, and then upon 18 or 21 or whatever age the...

Overee having a health secretary decides they can reverse that after taking a long battery of tests and showing proof of income and a five-year plan to raise a child. Well – Does that sound like fascism? It's – I don't think –

I don't think... It's just a rough rubric. It's just an outline. It's a slippery slope of like body autonomy, except men, fuck you and your dick. It's a... But mama, I think we got to reverse the curse. I think a little revenge is in order if we're talking like fantasy utopias. You know what? They pierced baby's ears at the hospital. Might as well do the vasectomy. Sweetie. Circumcision in general. What are we doing? I'll tell you what we're doing. What are we doing? We're mutilating little boys' penises. Why? Because...

Why? I would invite the listening audience to Google it and do their own little research. I'm not saying is it right or wrong. I'm saying it's wrong. Why did it start? Whose idea was it? Honey, it's a long, long, long, long, long, long, long history. It's much too complicated for us as comedian fools to get into. But I do encourage people to do their own research and then have a discussion among themselves. Because not only is it baby genital mutilation...

I mean, that's what it is. We're mutilating. I mean, I was circumcised. I wish I wasn't. There's, we don't have to answer that question. We just need to move on because it's way too complicated.

Okay. I'm going to do some... Yeah, yeah, yeah. I encourage you to do it. I'm going to do what we would do. I'm going to read a couple articles and then become an oppressively informed expert about this. And then any person you talk to will be like, did you know that I know some facts you definitely don't know about? I'm going to spit in your ear for 20 minutes. If I'm anywhere and someone says circumcised, I'm going to go, actually? It's going to be... People are going to want me around even less than they do now. My other thing I wanted to bring up was

I found it on the internet that a lot of people's hamsters have gone up Richard Gere's ass? No. Okay. They hibernate. In the winter, they hibernate. And...

A lot of people don't know that. And so their hamster, they get dead and they throw it away while it's sleeping in the winter. Oh, that's sad. So this is just a PSA. If you have a hamster, know that they might hibernate. And just because they're not moving, don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. Don't throw the hamster out with the winter. On the same topic, you know what my hamsters did? You know what I saw with my own two very fucking young guys? Mama, that mother ate those children. Ate those red little babies up. Chomp, chomp, chomp. They do it.

Especially if you touch them before they're... With a nice Chianti and some fava beans. If you touch the pink babies before they've grown a little bit, the mom will eat them. Don't touch the pink or they'll end up in the stink. Yeah. Or like birds. Birds will just lay eggs hormonally. And sometimes they'll get egg bound where they have an egg and it won't come out. And they have basically like horrible stomach aches and die. That's the 2-2-2. Eggs, French toast, and bacon at the Beachwood Cafe.

So birds, Mary, I'm up at my perch, right? On the third level. I'm up there going in, sunset-wise, sunrise, whatever you have. The bird's up there, sweetie. The bird watching the ornithology taking place. We were up there and it was like, hoot. It's literally a cartoon. Hoot. With a crisp T. It's like, my name is Robert. I'm hiding in a tree and I'm doing an impression of an owl. Yeah. Hoot. Hi, my name's Robert. I'm 36 years old. I'm reading for the role of owl. Owl in the owl series. Hoot.

No, it was even more like, honestly, hoot. It was like not convincing. It was like a human inflection. Like it was crazy. You're going to turn on floodlight back there and see some guy up there. It's going to be a hereditary out there. Some naked man holding his weenie going, hoot. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. But hawks, Mary. Hawks and eagles up there. Scary.

Impressive. Awe-inspiring. I'm talking wingspans at least, I think, ought to be this big. Wow. Because they're in the distance over by Runyon. And you can see them full-size. So you're like... I see them in the distance this big. I'm like...

mama, that's a big fucking bird. Yeah, bitch. And she is just like a quarter mile away and they look that big. Honey, they look, they look just as big as airplanes from Burbank airport. Yeah. It's like, it's truly gaggable. And I'm, and I'm watching them and I'm like, Oh my God, this is the most beautiful thing in the world. I would to be a bird, there'll be an apex predator bird up there with not only x-ray vision, but vision so piercing that you can like see, um,

Just hundreds and hundreds of feet down and then just swoop down using wind power, just catching the glide and then snatch. And then it's so cunty. It's so cunty. They're flying up there like, y'all are fucking your planet up. I'll still be here. They're like, mama, we were doing different stratospheres up here. Totally. Different oxygen levels. I know. We're traveling south. We're snowbirds. You know those big ones swoop down and steal people's dogs in LA? I know. Chihuahuas and stuff? Little babies too.

My mom. Raised by wolves and hawks. I would say, we're towards the end here, I would say come see us live, but our ticket sales are like 99%, so obviously y'all already know that, so thank you very much. It's so tough, you know, in this trying... I'm not gonna be smarmy about it. I'm very grateful. The fact that we are going out, we don't have to promote at all, I'm just like, alright, see you hordes there. And also, let's not get it twisted, those last two shows in New Orleans and...

Houston. Probably best. So fun. So fucking fun. So fucking fun. I, well, we've been telling stories now that what you guys, the live pods, when we're not recording, we tell stories out of school, out of pocket, out of pocket. We got both pockets out. It's red, the red stage. I'll probably tell that story. Yeah. I won't let you. I won't let you. I'll do it. Be the red muzzle talk. But, but it was, I had, I got in the bathtub after that and I was like,

Not only do I love my life, am I a Nicki fan? I'm like, I was just like, I was just like so filled with gratitude. I almost drowned in the tub twice. I was until we arrived at 1.30 and I couldn't check in until 4.30. That's tough. My gratitude came to a screeching halt. Oh my God. I didn't tell about my, well, stay tuned for the next episode where I will discuss the fact that I got a massage by a man with a silicone dick. Fierce.

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