It's a Tumescent Holiday Miracle! with Trixie and Katya
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Okay, so this is a back in the day buffet. Misery with a Z. Fabulous drag name. Unmatched in drag name. Misery with a Z. I think you call that Mononymous? Mononymous? Mononymous? Mononymous? Boop. She had this acapella intro by Sweet Pussy Pauline in her mix. Like, hold up.

Okay, girls, my name is Sweet Pussy Pauline, and I got a story I want to share with you. Is it okay? Well, this motherfucker climbed up on top of me, the littlest dick you've ever seen in your motherfucking life. He had the unmitigated gall, girls, to look into my pretty bright eyes and say, am I hurting you? Hurting me? Motherfucker, you are tickling me. Get the fuck up off me and leave the coins on the dresser and hit the door. I don't have to put up with that shit.

And then she goes into detail about, then this guy hung like a baseball bat. I got one leg on the floor, the other on the dresser and he had a big old nasty bean eating bitch. Just pummeling my pussy. He's like, I was like, and then that's the one where she's like, tear it up like newspaper. Cause it wasn't built right. No way. And I was like, I thinking about that. And I, because of her, I have so many of these like, um,

Things in my head like music make you lose control. She'd do great little things like Janet Jackson says, is that the end? And then she'd say, no. Going to another mix. Does music make you lose control? A sample? Music makes you lose control. Is that a Sweet Pussy Pauline sample? No, no, no, no. It's in Missy Elliott's song, Um...

It's a cute face, chubby waist, thick legs, in shape, rum shake in both ways. Make you do a double take. She would do a mix. Oh, I thought you were saying it was originally a Pauline sample. I was like, no way. No, but T.S. Madison is sampled on Beyonce's new album.

And I went down to T.S. Madison rabbit hole. By the way, I will name drop her. Oops, dropped right on the floor. You see her right now. Maddie, Maddie's on the floor. Oops, dropped her. T.S. Madison. That's my auntie. In Boston, when she was hosting a pageant, we were backstage cutting up after soon after I was on Drag Race. And we had lovely, tender moments together in the dressing room. And she says, you know, you're my niece, right?

I love, you know, she says, and then she likes us. I think she likes it. She loves us. Yeah. Loves us. Like L O V E. Hi girl. And I, she should guest host sometime. She should just take over. Jesus. Take the wheel. She guest hosts with you. Would you guys like to see T.S. Madison with Kati? Wouldn't that be fun? I would mama. I would, I would literally drive you over with my car, which is the first point on my, do you have my sheet? My list?

I need to, this is very important. Wait a minute. Preparation for the pod? What the fuck? I emailed it. I emailed it like days ago. Wait a minute, folks. If you're new to the pod, don't get spoiled because we're about 300 episodes in where we usually have nothing ready. And today we have bullet points. We got bullet points. Don't get used to it. Don't get used to it. Don't get used to it. Mama, I don't ever overpromise.

I under deliver. You don't even promise. Thank you. Thank you, Tina. To over promise, you have to promise in the first place. Never is a promise and you can't afford to lie. Damn.

Fiona Apple. Fiona Apple. Love Fiona Apple. The album Extraordinary Machine worked me out. How about the Apple? How about the Apple? How about the album title that she wrote when she was 19, 18? Wait, do you know this story? The poetry? The P-O-E-T-R-Y of it all? She didn't have a title for the album and they kept being like, you need a title. Stop it. Stop it. And so she said, fine, T-I-D-A-L. It's title. Girl, when the pond hits and the molly kicks and you come for Miss Fiona, she says, pop the

Yeah, it's pretty fierce. She's so kind. She's an amazing artist. Love those songs. I know for some reason, Pale September. Tears. She's good. She's amazing. And I know she, listen, I don't know if she has, she's open about body stuff. What is she open about? Her legs wide open? No, she has body stuff. Mama, who doesn't? This is the Goon Squad. The video for Criminal.

When she's in that tub and the whole video shot like in the dark with a flashlight in a shitty apartment. It's very Terry Richardson. It's amazing. It's very like...

I've been a bad, bad heroin addict. You know what I mean? It really is giving, it's giving drug house. But mama, that was, but think of a thing at the time. Pig, pig under a mattress in a drug den. That's what it's giving. It's giving boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. You know, I was on very Delta and I didn't bring it up and I meant to. Oh, that is a missed connection. I,

I didn't mean to in like a, and what bitch I meant to, and like, that was funny. No, because you didn't, but, but see, so I think you're different than me. Like I, you are a very practical person and I think you don't, I feel like you don't, maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like you don't see the, the use of holding onto a grudge. It's used at all. Energy is so used. I mean, you run a marathon. Why don't I get to do that? Yeah. Yeah. People who pridefully like people who like years later, like, and I still hate that bitch. I'm like,

C'est moi. Get a life, bitch. I could tell you. I have one of my grudge buds. I got one person. It's a one seat occupancy in my grudge buds. Totally. I still hate one person. Say it again. I didn't hear it.

Oh, but that's the essence of pure evil. That's saying I don't fuck with Satan. Mama. By the way, they're going to use that and they're going to edit over. I still hate one person. RuPaul. They're going to just put anyone's name in. Marvel's going to come in with their team, take your hand, put it over the side, and then they're going to be like, Ruth Paul. You know what we should do? I swear to God.

To show the complete stupidity of AI, we should do an AI-generated Trixie and Katya Ball and the Beautiful podcast. Oh, my God. One, I bet you it's going to be nonsensical and stupid. But also funnier. Two, what if it's better? I know. And then you and I need to crawl into pine boxes and close the lid. Django Gold, who used to write for Stephen Colbert, I believe he was a funny, funny, funny guy. I guess I would fuck him. Django Gold on Twitter, he tweeted the other day, he was like, AI in

Enthusiasts be like, imagine a world without art. Totally. It's like so fierce. It's like so fierce. It's like...

Imagine a world where painting never happened. Love it. I feel so strongly about it that even when I look at- It's not fierce. It's just not fierce. I'm sorry. I follow a couple AI Instagram accounts where they make AI pictures. Have you seen the ones of Anna Wintour? No. They're so fucking- I don't even want to talk about it. I don't even want to talk about it. I do follow them. And while sometimes they are very enchanting, sometimes I actually feel guilty looking at them. You know what else is enchanting? Chinese takeout on New Year's.

That's way more enchanting than AI. Mama, that's Ella Enchanted. And she comes to your door, chomp, chomp, chomp, you eat it up. You know, I never got why, well, I didn't get it till much later. Like, why do people always eat Chinese food on Christmas? Jews. Because that's what's open. Yeah, and also, it's a Jewish tradition. I never made that connection until I had more Jewish people in my life. Also, in the Christmas story, when they ruin their food, they go to a, I think a Chinese restaurant. What's your favorite Asian food restaurant to order out from? Oh.

It's a toss up between, if we're talking Asian, like Chinese. Chinese or Thai or whatever. Well, Thai, I have so many Thai. I guess those are so different. They are. They are. What kind of Asian are you? Well, I like, I really like Kung Pao Bistro. That's on Santa Monica and Fairfax. Because they got so many good vegetarian options. And they come quick. They come quick and they come correct. I do some.

I do. Um, I, I, mama, I fuck you go, you scroll through my grub hub. First of all, once you get through the, uh, the, the, the, the wash of a secondhand embarrassment at the frequency of my use. If you go to like, no, no, no. If you go to like, I'm not only a member for you, Taco Bell, Jack in the box. I'm like, I should end it all. I'm not only a member. It's like the hair for men club thing. I'm not only a member. I'm the president. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I have a shareholder. You're that guy who owns Wendy's. That old guy was his name. Wendy.

Mr. Wendy. Isn't it like Mike? Dave. Dave. Not Jared from Subway. Do you know that it's Carl's Jr.? I know because I'm Carl. It's not Carl's Jr. It's Carl's Jr. is what it's called. Oh, because that's like passersby. You don't say passersby. This is Carl's Jr. This is his junior. But you know what I mean? It's not, it's passersby. Mayor, I've been calling it Carl's, Carl Jr.'s my whole life. It's the same thing of like, it's passersby. You don't say passersby. And you know what's called Subway? Subway.

And we call it Subway. Subway. McDonald's. McDonald's. To the ladies. What do they call it, friends? McDonald's. McDonald's. McDonald's in Australia. Australia. McDonald's. Go over to McDonald's. You're going to slide your feet. But then there's a makeup store there called Mecca.

It's like so confusing. Mecca. Why don't they just like do... Somebody's ringing the front door. Oh my God. Who could it be? Love that I've lived here for years and I own the unit and don't have keys to the building. Is it Amanda? Who could it be at this hour? Who could it be? Maybe it's 510. Have you seen these videos of Amanda Lepore working out with milk?

No, I don't think I can take that. Milk has been training Amanda. Oh no, that's too much. And of course milk is what you would call a perfect specimen physically. No, no, no, no, no. Don't, I'm going to stop you right there. Don't call anybody perfect. Nobody perfect in this world. You know there's not perfect bodies. Okay, well Jack and Jill over here can, I'm going to call it perfect. Shut up, listen, listen, listen. You're going to say gorgeous. Say gorgeous. I'm saying a good mix of eats right, exercises. He's gorgeous. But he ain't perfect. Okay, fine. Imperfect. Okay.

Ugly. He's an imperfect body. He's ugly troll. But he is training. And then he's like, see like this. He's like videos of him being like, you want to really feel it through here. And you want to make sure, you know, and Amanda is in her day drag standing next to the machine. Like tell me it's in a turban and sunglasses. Tell me it's in a turban. She's in the wig. She's in the hair. She's in the red lip.

She's in dress. Are there heels on? Is she barefoot? And she's in like a strappy, like peg Bundy, like high-waisted little pants. Oh, it's cunt. Oh, why does she serve so much cunt? It's almost too much to watch. I mean, come on. It's like my eyeballs. It's like the limit does not exist. But with Amanda, the cunt is almost too much. But I love the idea of later someone's like, Amanda, how was your workout? And she's like, milk really wet my ass today. Exactly.

It was really exhausting, but I'm also really invigorated. Well, in her book, she said that she walks 300 calories on a treadmill every day, no matter what.

She doesn't run, but she just walks. Well, this makes me happy because I obviously think of Amanda as a timeless, eternal beauty, which she is. And like, I'm having to deal with the, you know, you know, when you think about, oh, eventually you'll maybe going to lose the ones you love, like your mom or whatever. Yeah. You know, I was having to deal with the reality that I'll probably go first. Hello. But, um, the,

Amanda is not going to die because she is eternal. She's giving the eternals, the immortals. She's given Marvel Avengers. She's given Captain America, not Captain America. She's given Miss Mar-Vell. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? One of my dreams is to produce an Amanda doc. That's not a dream. That's a must do. It's a must do. That's a must do. I learned a lot doing a lot of things, TV and stuff. And I just feel like Amanda...

Oh, it's long overdue. She deserves an amazing doc. Today's episode is brought to you by Angie. Angie has made it easier than ever to connect with skilled professionals to get all your jobs and projects done well. Let me tell you, there's the version of it where you try to do something at home and then there's a version of it where you have someone help you, you watch them do it the right way and you go, thank God I didn't try to do that myself.

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Well, first of all, this shirt says the goon squad, but it said the groom squad, which can be taken a different way. A craven transsexual groomer has entered the chat. The groom squad. Did you add the eyeballs? I sure did. Oh, interesting. I sure did. You're not going to say interesting and not good job. I thought that was a little interesting. Goon squad.

It's better than Groom Squad. Of course it is. But when I answered yes on the thing, you didn't remark on, oh, I think you did kind of a good job. Oh, because I didn't because there were so different sizes. Oh, I couldn't tell. Oh, so you still have an opportunity to say good job. You did a beautiful job. As far as buying secondhand shirts and customizing them with markers, you are the Paul McCartney. I am that bitch. You are that bitch, D-Bot. And if you're going to come to me on South La Brea at Goodwill going, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, pay, pay, pay, pay, and zz, zz, zz, zz, you will not be the girl because I am that bitch.

girl and I'm honey. She is that girl and she will comfort you and your horrible shoes and that hat. These are bad. No, they're not. They're great. I bought these in Times Square when it started snowing and I had like sneakers on. It was a panic move. But what if I went like this and there was a huge squash dog turd and I just waited for you to say something. I'd be like, no, continue to tell me that story. Is that a moon pie? No. Did you see the horrible Instagram? Fellas, ladies to the fellas, I will not

I will not do poop stories while they're eating. But did you see the Instagram I sent you last night? Who was eating? The people watching or listening to this podcast, you freak. This is getting recorded. I'm going to put on a podcast and eat.

No one's doing that. Yes, they are. And they're making comments about it. If you're listening to this and you're eating, stop now. Mama, corroborate it. Miss Marquez, you got to be the corroboration witness. This is a diet podcast because we're here to make your appetite go away. McDonald's! Thank you. We're here to ruin your appetite. Yeah, but we might be enabling Selemix. Us telling sex stories. Us telling... Every other episode, I'm like this in the thumbnail. Yeah. The commentator's like, why are our legs up in the thumbnail? New York Times says, assure dry heave. Ha!

Totally. But, um, but so the, anyways, I won't talk about that, but, um, I went to Alfred's coffee. Okay. Get into this gig girl. Tell me. I got a big mama. So the porn cleanse still yanking and that it's. Let's celebrate. Yeah. No porn and no smoking. What are you a nun? I know. What are you? You think I'm giving a, you think I'm giving this check to a bunch of nuns. You're not smoking. You're not looking at porn. Um, you're no longer, uh, fracturing your foot. Yes. Oh, update.

McDonald's. I am. I. Okay. Cause we did miss, you know, we did. I'm going to look at my camera and do my apology video. Okay. I'll stay out of the way. This is a video that I, um, that eventually I think in the back of my mind, I knew I had to make, but I finally threw with professional help and the support of my friends have fully, I've grown into the person that is allowed to make this video. And so that's what I'm about to do.

Right now, and even though there's no tears coming out of my eyes, I need you to know that I'm crying a lot. It's just that we're not, this 4K video doesn't allow for wetness to show, even though you can sometimes see I'm sweating. But I received the results of my x-ray, and I am ashamed to report that there was no fracture. There was no break. It was an old maiden type of x-ray.

How long did that critique take? It took eight days. It took about eight to 12 days for my MD. What if your foot was broken and it takes eight days? Because there's one person working at that medical company. That's why it's called One Medical Bitch. Bitch.

And RadNet, mama, ain't nothing rad because they are in the 90s. That's what that's about. RadNet, radiology, network. It's not radiation. It's radical. It's radical how long they take. Radical. It's radical in that they have to use their skateboard to go back to the 90s to get the image and then time travel. Mama, RadNet, you flop. Every company has it in the name. You flop, bitch. Every company has it in the name. Best Buy, you best not buy. Hello. I want to say like Tiffany Polly, RadNet, you are a cock-sucking, cum-guzzling cunt.

And I hope I'm nicely better knowing that you are not in the White House. Girl, can I say if anybody at home ever wants to get a chilled on their spine, get into a deep dive with Omarosa on any talk show. There's this plenty video. She's on the Bethany Frankel show, which I think lasted about 12 weeks. Literally, it was a short 12 seconds. No, 12 weeks. I wasn't gonna be that mean, but I could. It was a short run. Love Bethany Frankel. It didn't last long. Okay, it's fine.

Omarosa goes in there and they have friction right off the top. Not as bad as the Omarosa Wendy Williams friction, which is insane. But mama, you don't come for Wendy. Cause you don't know where Wendy is. No. Omarosa tells Wendy, well, I would, I, what you need is, well, I think Wendy goes, I

no, I have a nose job, but if I could recommend for you a little bit of Restylane. And then I think Omarosa goes, I don't need Restylane when my wig doesn't sit three inches off my head. Shablam. Oh, it was almost like someone pulled a trap door and Wendy fell into the- But Wendy falls into the WCU, the Wendy Cinematic Universe. You know what I mean? Like you can't, then you can't touch her. Totally. Oh, she's happier there. She's Captain Mar-Vell up in there. Yeah, okay, go ahead. But then when Omarosa was on Bethany,

Her and Bethany get into a bit of a spat. Over skinny girl lattes or whatever? No, Bethany sort of kind of tries. I think Bethany sort of moves the chess piece toward her saying like my success. And fucking Omarosa goes, you bake cupcakes. I work in the White House. Get a grip.

- Damn. - And I, it was almost like a beam of light came down and I was a cow in like Southern Dakota, is it called? - It's South Dakota. - And I was beamed up by the aliens. By the way, do you think, not to pivot,

Did you see that Mexican alien body? Mama, it came up at the Amy and Tina show last night. Mommy, they really carried it out on a cookie sheet. Mama, they said freshly baked from outer space. Cookie sheet. Still warm. Paper mache. Still warm. Not even good. Fingers still wet from the paper mache. They got the lowest paid art department person. Fingers still wet from the papier mache. I could have made a better fake alien than that. In front of the government in Mexico with officials present. I was like, it.

looked like it was made from a tuna salad. Like, I don't know what that was. Not even tuna, mama. It was like... That was... That was like the... That was Wentworth Institute of Technology undergraduate doing a mock-up of a model that they're going to do in their first year. Hello. Thank you. It would be like...

The worst submission to get into art school. Remember in Freddy number three, when she's doing the doll, the house with the popsicle sticks. Yeah. She could have, she would have been a more convincing alien body. Could have gone in there and be like, you need an alien. Bada, bada, bada, bada, boom, bam, bam. Fingers, toes, totally eyes. Karen, Elsie, Nelson, you ladies. Thanks for coming to the UFO. I, I,

The thing is, if you don't have a convincing alien body, don't wheel it out and show everyone. But also, mama. Don't wheel it out and show everyone. Somebody said at the show last night. You could have thrown some glitter on a preemie. At the show last night, she was like, you know, aliens are here. Aliens are here. Someone in the audience was like, are they going to pay my bills? And Amy was like, she flipped out. She was like, may I please use that in the next show? Somebody was like, they're going to pay my bills? Ah!

Cause girl, who cares? Who cares? Paper mache or real, or, or, or like, or, uh, real strong. Who cares? It's not like you discovered tell like teleportation, right? It's a dead alien on a cookie sheet. Even if it was real, we're going to dissect it. And then what? It's like, it's like, it's like, they're the same thing as bones, bones sticking out, bones sticking out. Yeah.

I don't know. It was, the energy was so like, okay, have you seen that Azalea Banks video where she goes, they go, my intern says you make music for gays. Is that true? You make music for gays? And she goes, I do. I do.

So what now? Yeah. That was the energy. What now? Mrs. I need to say something. Bob. I need to say something about Mrs. Alia. I'm not even going to even, I'll just say the one thing about her problematic nature and that's it. I'm not going to say anything about it. Cause you're next. If you say anything. No, no, that, that, that person, that person has, I don't apologize for anybody, but what I've observed in this person is a supernatural and unflappable nature.

Her eyes are made of diamonds and her reading glasses are sharper than anybody's. She has, she had LASIK so that she can read at all times. She, cause she goes the trifecta. She goes creativity unmatched. Unmatched. Unmatched.

the wit unmatched, the cadence, the pettiness. She's not afraid. She's not afraid to be Tom Petty in the Heartbreakers, Lori Petty in League of Their Own. She's not afraid to do Petty Cash from Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead, but she's got the intelligence, the knowledge, and the wit and the creativity all behind her. She has a library of receipts. Petty LaBelle. Petty LaBelle rolling in the deep. Like it's crazy. She kicks off her shoes and says, oh, you wanted to come for me? Yeah. Raggedy hip.

Like she just goes down the line and then it's like, it's like she has the Rolodex. This is, this is me watching her. I'm like, like you're afraid to be next, but you're also like, Ooh, do me like, yeah, kill me. It's like in that movie where they're like, I was like, I want to jump off the, I'm going to jump off the balcony. And it goes like, do it. You know, it's like, yeah, she is.

It's aspirational, that level of reading. It's inspiring. It's aspirational. It's inspiring. It is. Greeting cards. Mama, her, because her, as a wordsmith, she's a samurai. She's a surgeon. Surgeon and a samurai. Kill Bill. Karen. Not that I need to at this distance, but I could be a fucking surgeon with this shotgun. That's her reading. Thank you. And also, Karen is also, she's like, she lets her go. She lets her go. Woman recognizes woman.

Would you have let her go if you were Karen and kill a bill? Yeah, because I'm working for my boss, Lisa, whatever, Lisa Wong. And I'm, I'm, I'm Lisa Wong's, but you know what I mean? I got to work out for me as Karen. Karen looks, works for Lisa Wong.

And you know what I mean? And Beatrix works for Bill. Even assassins don't want to shoot pregnant women. No. No. Well, it was the Saw 10 reel. It's like, if you kill that child with blood, I'm walking out of this theater. And in the movie, in the universe of this thing, it was like, there was a morality point that was, there was a very clear level that you don't go below. There was a clear code of ethics. And assassins have that. White after Labor Day. White after Labor Day. And also, um...

If you, uh, you've got to snip your cat's dingleberries if you're having guests over for dinner, you know, especially after five. And wearing blush too far into the center of your face when you already have a round head. That's like, you know, just chop the head off. Just kill it. It's over. Yeah. But, um, I went, uh, I, I have to tell you that I, because of no porn, because of no apps, no grinder, no sniffies, no nada. I asked him. Yeah. You learned the language or what's going on? I asked someone out in real life.

I was, let's talk about, let's take a break. I had coffee. Let's take a break and let's talk about it. We have a real life story for fucking once. Okay. All right. So you asked someone out, set the scene. If they were writing a pilot, where are we? What's going on? Okay. Um,

This is a story of born and raised with... Nope, not that one. Well, this is a story all about how my life got turned upside down. I was walking in CB2 and I noticed some hot man with a mustache that would go, hey, would you like to suck my dick? No. If you're at CB2...

We got CB2? No, no, no. Oh, you got a great icebreaker at CB2. You go up to someone and you go, isn't it crazy this is a furniture store but you can't take anything home? Mama, any other – the meet cute options are limitless. But I go into a store around that I frequent often and there's a bunch of staff there. Mama, they know me. I'm on the beat. You know me. I'm doing my beat. I'm on the beat. They've seen you and they cross the street when you're coming. Yeah.

They know the girls. They know Miss Lady. They know Miss Woman. She's on her beat. Do you remember that woman we saw like in 2015 walking on the street covered in shit with her tit out? So with the loaf. So there was the woman with, oh no, no, that was downtown before we had a steak dinner. You and I were in town for like season seven. We were celebrating something at a fancy steak dinner at a restaurant downtown. And we saw a woman walking sachet shantay feces on the runway. Walking like runway walking. But she's...

in a, in a robe open with shit out. Nudity. Covered in actual feces. She was, who are you wearing? Feces. My own. And you grabbed my arm and you pinched so hard and you said, oh, work, work, work, work. And I looked up and was like, yeah, Los Angeles for the first time was shocking. That moment, you know, you know that, and it turns out that woman, me. Her name. That was me. It's Bella. Bella.

So my name is, so I'm a woman who's covered in feces. I just watched the modeling episode of Oma because you told me to watch Oma. Mama, it slaps. It was funny. She gets slapped in the face. It was funny. Sorry, go ahead. So how did it happen? It was mistakes, by the way. Not modeling. That's not true. Oh, the new one. The Bella Hadid episode was modeling. The new one. Oh, the new one. But honey, Oma. But mistakes was good too. Where's the Emmy?

So I go in. So I got another story. We got to go back to the story before because I got my butt waxed for the first time. You can Tarantino it. You can skip him. Okay. So we're going to start at the ending. Okay. We meet for coffee in the morning for a morning date. Good. I love that. I love it too. And we did. He came over my house.

Oh, I don't want to say this. Did you come to your house for the coffee? Well, he came to my house for the coffee because I make coffee in the morning and I had to, I had a massage at 1130 in the morning and I didn't know, I didn't know how it was going to go. So I was like, I'm, I want to feel safe and not be late for my own massage at the home. It sounds so bougie. I'm sorry. But, uh, if you're late for a massage at your house, mama, that's crazy. That's crazy. Like if I'm driving back and I hit traffic to my own house, the guys wait, it's crazy. So he came over on the, we went up to the pergola.

Coffee. I made the own coffee. We had lovely chit chat, kissy, kissy, huggy, huggy. That's it. But so I, I first date. Yeah. I'm walking into the store after my butt wax, which is a whole nother, we'll save that for the other episode. Thank you very much, Tina, darling. Tina, bring me the wax. Like she, I said, I went back two minutes before they closed and I was like, Hey, I just got my butt wax.

It was so crazy because I've talked to him before. We have a rapport as a customer person, you know, a salesman. He works there? Yeah. Okay. And so I said, I'm like, okay, I'm going to do it. I'm just going to do it. I'm vulnerable. The good news is he can't go anywhere. He can't go anywhere. But he's like, let me walk you out.

Because they were closing two minutes. He walks me out. I was like, listen, this is like, I don't know. I was like, whatever. I just want to tell you, I think you're so attractive and I would love to take you out sometime if you're interested. And if you're not, just let me out. Just tell me, have a good night and I'll have a wonderful night. And he's like, I am interested and I think you're really attractive too. What does he look like? Who would play him? No, I'm not going to say that because then people know who he is. The important thing is that this happened in real life. I asked somebody out in real life, the rush, the excitement and the...

It was rock hard the whole time. I had to hold, I had to buy something. Thank God I bought something because I had to shield my huge hard to mess and bar. You were rock hard asking him out? Bongo's, bonk, bonk, bonk. Beat it up. You were rock hard asking him out? Because I am a flirting mama. My game is the pregame. All of the flirting in real life. Your game is the pre-cum. Mama, wetness. She's wet ass wet.

You said, and if you don't want to go with me, I'll just slide on this snail trail right out of town. It's water country, water country. Have some fun. Boom, boom, boom. I'm out. Glass door broken. It's crazy. Breaking the glass door like down West Hollywood. So the next day he comes over for breakfast or whatever. And then, and then mama catch the second date. Why don't you catch it?

You caught it. Cat shit. We went long, lovely stroll all around Alfred Coffee. A cute 48 person line at 10 in the morning. Are you talking about the one on Melrose? Yeah. That one, you would think it's Black Friday.

Friday every day. No, no, no. You would think it's a methadone clinic that has the last supply of methadone. You would think it's COVID and they have toilet paper. Thank you. You would think that it's the only thing keeping the last person alive and they got it. You would think that everyone on earth is Monet Exchange and it's a pussycat wig store. They...

You would think it's fucking Omarosa and it's the last little artifact of the actual devil on auction. Like it is just so fierce. I was like, this is – That Alfred is nuts. This coffee and brunch culture is so deep and vicious down here. Y'all don't know you're getting rolled. You're getting ripped off. Do you know why it's rich? Do you know why it's rich? Tell me.

Rich people who don't work. The coffee is their job. Getting coffee and sitting is their job. All the, all the stores closed on the weekends. All the stores closed on the weekends. I was like, okay. So I, so interesting. Is this, are the all Greek drug fronts, all Armenian drug laundering places? Why are you, why are you closed on the weekend on a Sunday? This is Stroll Tina. It's Stroll Tina and the Wockettes. Stroll Tina and the Wockettes. Yep.

Closed because people don't have jobs Melrose is really busy on weekends It is I know girl it was 48 people in line for me to get my little heart car fee I know well there's also an Alfred in Hollywood Did you know that? Oh I don't care but there's an Alfred in my kitchen But there's an Alfred closer to us Oh man there's an Alfred in my kitchen it's called me I'm not a coffee person but if I was And this is all you know My therapist told me not to speak in hypotheticals but I'm doing it now

I heard. Why don't you speak in hypodermicals? I think that I would make coffee at home. Yes. But I would have the most overwrought, tricked out. Espresso machine. Masturbatory coffee setup. But you know what though? I would make it good. And also it's not, my brother recently purchased one. He's not a rich man, but he do be loving his coffee in it. That motherfucker makes artisanal, delicious, nasty fucking coffee. There's this guy on Instagram that I.

You whack it too. I watch his reels. Whack it too. You fucking pervert. You sex pervert. He is basically naked. He wears a Starbucks thing. You see his ding-a-ling through the apron? You see his ding-a-ling through the dick print? He'll put out like a coffee cup, fill it with coffee, reach under the apron, pull out ice cubes from like his crotch, put milk in his mouth. If he comes in it, I'm going to kill you. He'll spit the milk in the coffee and then serve it to the camera. And you know what I would do?

Yeah, you know what I would do? I would drink it. You know what I would do? Which you don't see the next part of the video is me taking him to a clinician for a supportive referral and then locking him in the loony bin and me pulling down my pants and going. No, good for him. Good for him. Good for him. If you find a way to make compelling content that doesn't technically sexually break the laws of Instagram, I think it's pretty impressive. Instagram loves. They do love to be shutting down the butthole machines. Yeah. Let's go to my Instagram right now.

Let me show you something. What about her? What about Miss Butt Sweat Stain? What about Miss... Hello? Oh, I have a pair of pants for you that you left at my house that look just like this. You do? Yeah, there's a vape in the pocket. You can't believe there's a vape? There's a vape in the pocket. Oh, that's a psychedelic vape. Don't you... Oh, I almost hit it because I thought it was weed and I thought twice. No, if you... You'd be fine because you don't drive, but you can't drive on that shit. Oh, I would have driven. Oh, you would have driven. It would have made me drive. Straight... You would have driven Cheryl Crow back to that bar. So if you go to my Instagram, if you go to tagphotos...

All the tagged photos on my Instagram are women's butts. Wait, wait, wait. Somebody said mine are porn too. But if you're straight, you can basically show whole. But if you're gay on Instagram and you even show like a nipple and it's slightly sexual, you do get banned. Well, I think everybody should be banned from Instagram. Like this is on Instagram and no one says anything. But what's there to say? You can't see their anal. You can't see the pucker of their balloon knots. But it says nudes in bio.

Like this is a spam account, obviously. Oh, it's a spam. Oh, what about this? What about engagement bait? What about Twitter accounts that literally just post they're masquerading as like cultural critics or like art accounts or anything, but they exist solely to present hypotheticals about movies or art or whatever that are just to get you to engage because they're stupid. They just want to fight.

Oh, I think they should go straight to hell. Like, for example, it'll be like, this is a church in from 1462. This is a mega church in Dallas in 1962. Why would you ever do this when you can do that? The argument is so pointless and stupid, but it gets people so angry that they're like, well, and then they make money off of that. Mary, I was just talking to a comic about this. I was talking about

Like for standup, the real money is being a Christian comic. These mega churches pay you to come to Christian comedy.

To be a survivor in this amazing race with a need for speed, you need God's grace. And you also need to suck my pussy lips through my sweatpants. You fucking, you stupid bitch. It's like Christian comics getting paid out to go do like a Christian college, let's say. It's pretty crazy. It makes sense though. But mama, Joel Osteen, how about scamtina.com slash take everybody's money? Who's Joel Osteen? The biggest grifter in the history of human...

Look it up, Ms. Marquez. Joel Osteen is a megachurch pastor who has, in Houston, I believe, who is a maybe billionaire, probably absolutely multimillionaire, grifter pastor, publishes books, leads a huge megachurch. He has a cult, Christian cult leader. He's the Tammy Faye Baker type.

But a slick, nasty- Is he just like a church person who sells more stuff than other church people, basically? Why does he have money that- And don't pay no fucking taxes, bitch. I know. It's crazy. No, it's unethical. It's immoral. But why are we acting like it's not for profit? It is, by definition, for profit. And there ain't nothing religious. There ain't nothing Christian about this motherfucker.

Legally, could you and I start a church and then just be non-profit? Not that I would. It would be hard. For example, in terms of new things, there is a psychedelic exemption because of a tax break for a new church that I believe is maybe Brazilian.

So they can legally administer ayahuasca because it is the sacrament in their church. Okay. So that's legal. So they're allowed in a tax or a legal exemption to do this because it is literally not scam. Scam Tina. I'm going to make a four local church. Mama. Talk about it. Well, wine.

You don't have to be 18 years old to drink the blood of Christ. Boop. Really? No. I drank it when I was 11, when first communion. That's why us Lutherans use grape Kool-Aid as the blood of Christ. That's right. And a vanilla wafer is the body, you know? I mean, Jesus was white.

After all, Jesus was white. He was a white man. You know, he wasn't. Do people think that Jesus is like white with blonde hair? Do they really? I'm thinking, honey, they know it. Not blonde hair with brown. He was like a chestnut. Wasn't it in Israel? I think he had like balayage style. Wasn't it in Israel? He was probably, he probably looked like, I don't know. He might've looked something like Kumail Nanjiani. I mean, he was a Middle Eastern man. Mesopotamia.

Santa's not real and people also believe he's white. Okay, I'm going to fight you on that. I'm going to fight you. I know we have a podcast about just boo-boo-da-boo, but let's not get into crazy fake news. Let's not get into crazy fake news, mama.

Santa is real. Is this the holiday episode? Tracy, Tracy. Is it? Are you going to? Mama, I know you have your little weird Midwestern opinions, but don't thrust your Santa's not real bullshit on me. No, no, no. Right now I'm shopping for my house and you know I'm gay and I like a theme. Okay. All right. Now we're just a UFO podcast now. But I like a holiday theme. Okay. I like a holiday theme. Okay. And I'm thinking this year we're going to do pastel candy land like for holiday decorations. Okay. And I did choose, I was happy that Neiman Marcus had several options.

Drop the name, sis. Drop it on the floor. Well, they had not white Santas and not white nutcrackers, not white lots of things. Because they're woke heathens who don't know historical truth. Santa was white. Ariel was white. Well, then I thought if I buy a...

Deep skin nutcracker. Are my black friends going to laugh at me when they walk in my house and be like, girl, why are you doing all that? First, you need to get a black friend. Shut up! No, second, they'd be like, okay, Miss Woke Tina, what you trying to prove? You got some money? Give me reparations. No, I'll be like, well, just so you know, that's actually a white nutcracker who's in a tanning phase. Okay.

White cracker. Crack head in a tanning face. A white foot cracker. Hold on because I got your holiday gift right now. I'm very excited to be decorating this year. I keep showing David stuff and he has almost no opinion on what I should buy. But I know once it arrives and goes up in the house, he is going to let me know exactly what he thinks of every part of it. So it's kind of a lose-lose game with the holiday decorations. But I want to do like...

peppermint, and I... Mary, I nut for a Christmas village. I'm on the hunt for a very good Christmas village. What are you, nuts? I want little ceramic houses, candles, tiny trees. Is this really for me? Yeah, for your new holiday gift. I want to do my part to make sure that your house turns into a home. Thank you so much. Let's see. I'm going to open the other one because it's a...

You do kind of one for me, one for you, Holly. No, no, no, no, no. They're a set. They're a set. It's a set. It's like a set. I didn't, I didn't even, I didn't, I'm going to be honest. I got you. No, I don't want anything. Oh, thank you. That's something I already have. That's so sweet. I'll just Venmo you. For your kitchen? I mean, for your living room. Those are beautiful. Aren't they pretty? Where did you get these?

They match my house perfectly. I'd never tell. I'll never tell my secrets, my shopping secrets. What for you and David? Clink, clink. Are these glasses? I think they are. Be careful. Yeah, they're glass. Yeah. These are beautiful. Where did you get these? I don't know. The only store open on Melrose, literally. A chalice. But wait, there's more. A chalice.

This is so nice. For the blood of Christ. If you can't see at home, I just unwrapped these beautiful like pink and green like Murano glass wine glasses. They're so pretty. Wow. I didn't deserve any of this. There's two more. There's two more. Oh, I love this. Oh, I'm so gay. Like I'm so gay. Oh, I love this. Are you kidding?

Are these double J? Where did you get these? I don't know. I don't know. Melody Rose, made in England. Acts of Daring, it's called. Aren't they cute, though, for your thingy? It's like, catch me if you can. You know I have a place setting for eight.

This is for me, mama. Oh, I hate your China. I hate your China. They are through hell using your China. These are, I guess, pretty though. Are these acrobats? It's trapeze artists. Yeah. On plates. These are beautiful. That's pretty, right? This is really nice. Thank you. I probably will hang these on the wall. Oh, whatever you want. I'm going to put them back in the wrapping. Cause they, I was so stressed out about them breaking on the wall in my kitchen. I think you should do mama. You should do, um, you should do a, what do you call it? A steel plates from people's heads that you kill. You know, when you kill all them oldies, they got steel plates in the head.

Old people do? Yeah, because they've been in a car accident and they talk funny. You got to shoot them. And then you just do... Nope. Thank you so much. These are beautiful. I can't believe you got me these. Well, to that effect, so I've been struggling with money a little bit lately. Do you think you could give me a loan? I'm just kidding. Look how cute that looks. We're both... God, the accent. That's beautiful. I'm trying to really go hard with the holiday thing. And you know, I've had...

I've had a pink tree a few times. Yes, you have. I've never had a white tree. Do you like white trees? Well, because silver or white? I love, yeah. Because you can go any- Not silver. White. Do you like white trees? White plastic trees? I do, yeah. I do too. Because you can go any color story. Do you like flocked?

Velvet? Which is flocked when it has fake. It's a green tree with fake snow on it. Is that corny? I don't know. I have a fake green tree that I love. I think I want to go natural green tree this time. Pre-lit. With pine needles? Real pine needles? No, no, no. Fake natural color. Pre-lit. Oh, that's what I have. Yeah, the lights came with it. That's nice. Because who the fuck wants to wrap

I remember wrapping the lights around the tree as a kid. Look to your left. It sucked. Look to your right. There are zero people who want to wrap lights around a tree because it's so un- It's meticulous. My auntie Gooch is always like, we want a real tree. I'm like, why? I know you whores barely vacuum. Mama, say it again. I'm going to get a pine needle in my

Mama in your dick hole. In your weenie hole. In the weenie hole. You know what used to happen to us? We cut down real trees in the woods and then drag it in. And sometimes there'd be animals living in them. And we find out later. Because at night the bat would fly out of the tree and fly around the house. We had a bat in the house. I know this. I've told this story before. And it bit me in the basement. Never recovered. That's why you were a vampire teenager. And also, I told you about the cat shit worm shoelace thing.

I picked up a pair of shoelaces on the dark stairs in the basement. They were worms from the cat's ass. Goodbye and thank you so much for listening. Have a wonderful day. We'll see you next week.

I have retold that story. I've never heard that. Oh, you have. You blocked it out. You blocked it out. You blocked it out. Well, listen, you know what makes a great holiday gift? You can get your friends and loved ones tickets to see Ball in the Beautiful Life. Although I'll tell you guys, we are about 98% sold out every single night of the tour. So if you get a ticket for a friend, you whores might have to sit separate. And then one last thing. I'm sorry. I wasn't lying about my injury. It wasn't a stress fracture, but it was a...

a very serious strain that could easily have turned into a sprain or a stress fracture. And my doctor confirmed that. So I did the right thing and I'm sorry you had to reschedule. Honestly, like honestly, honestly. When I sprained my foot, I learned that sprains can be worse than breaks as far as long-term damage. And do you know how I sprained my foot? Jerking off?

I slipped on my Gucci slide and fell out of a star wagon. There was absolutely no sympathy. You are so relatable. There was no sympathy. It's like, it's like she's everybody. It's like, she's every girl. I was leaving the set for brother versus brother that, that, that property brother show. Sure. That everybody does. No, the PAs were like, are you okay? That looked really bad. And I was like, I'm fine. And you're like, and it got in the car and I was like, I'm not fine. Yeah. I was so embarrassed that I like limped away anyway. Yeah.

I expect Gucci to send me a little money. Mama, I expect Aunt Gooch to come and fuck me. Aunt Gucci. Bye.