Peri-Care for Your Derrière with Trixie and Katya
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diarrhea babe this is an open question my bum bum and gets you brown in your face oh you smell like my poopy do people in new york like that song or do they feel like yeah or are they like no do people in mom that's like what new york new york applies are new york people like well that's that's that's that's like liza

la jaza frank frank la jaza but like when katie perry did california girls i didn't live in california if you lived in california that year were you like mama that's music for iowa idaho indiana um uh nebraska oh what about like the oc california california well oh god here we go what about um what about um what about um

- Music make you lose control. - Oh, it's for the ladies. I want this. - McDonald's. - That's what it was. To the ladies. I want this. Oh, that's what it was. - Tell me ladies. I like the way you work. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. For the fellas. - Fellas. - Yeah, yeah, that's what. - Ow! - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Oh, daddy, I have some great.

I have some great clips of her. Kitty cat, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. Coming with a beat like boom, boom, pow. She loves to just go. Oh, daddy. Brand new style. Got a brand new style. Coming with a bang like boom, boom, pow. Ow. When I walk up in this piece, y'all motherfuckers ain't got to speak. I'm a bad mamma jamma, goddammit, motherfucker. You ain't got it like me. Thank you. Step to me, get burnt like toast. Honey. Honey.

Spread the Elliot, come on the pot. How about this one though? Busted open, spread these lips, watch me skeet all on that dick. Acrobatics, watch me flip side to side. I'm the shit. Was that what you did last night? Yes, I'm like that silly rabbit. Coco Brown, that bitch do tricks. Like I said before, you already know, I prefer you to fuck my face before my pussy hole.

Was that last night? That was last night. David Silver and I were sitting at Orville's table. Yeah. We're getting the car for the horse, but I have to tell you David's face watching you. Yeah. Well, when I come out, I say, bend me over, grab my waist, arch my back and fuck my face. Fuck my face. Grab my waist. Flip my ass over. How good does it taste? He started telling me he loved me like I give a fuck. Now stick my stick your finger in my butt. Make this pussy nut.

Make this pussy nut. Do a lot of women want to finger up their butt? I don't know. I don't think so. I don't know. I truly don't know. But the rap girls love to say that they eat the man's ass. Nope. They say eat this ass like a plum. No, they talk about eating the man's ass too. They certainly don't. Once in a while you get a female celebrity who's like, if you don't eat your man's ass and then it goes viral for like 12 hours. Then you won't get giardia. Like if you don't eat your man's ass, then you won't get giardia. Because that bushwhacked, unwashed piece of shit ass ain't edible.

Straight guys asses. Okay. Well, it looks like an unfrosted pop tart down there. Like, well, if you're a straight, if you're a straight trans amorous man in Boston, South Boston, be exact mama, you could eat sushi dindin off that ass three, four or five courses all throughout the night. Cause it's douched, shaved, scrubbed and presented. Yeah. Anyways, my experience with straight guys asses,

That's too much of a blanket statement. It's too much of a blanket statement. We're generalizing too much. We gotta be more specific because gay guys- Well, I'm not hooking up with straight guys. Gay guys don't wash their ass no more. They certainly don't go to hot dogs. Wow. The gay guys now are like, I got an eight day nut on my ass.

And I'm right. And I'm right. Through a thicket of pubes. Here's my dad. Yeah. Girl, like you're in, when she got in the, the, the thicket and the thing goes up. Yes. That's evil dead. And they're talking about, um, here's my dossier of workouts I've done since my last shower. Yes. It's the bragging rights of mama. I've got Pecorino. Yeah. She's Pecorino. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I've got, I've got, um, Peccadillo, Pecorini, um, uh,

Mandarino Di Amalfi, Nasty Nasty, Buburella. And also, it looks like it was snatched from the Smithsonian, these jockstraps. Yes. Snatched from King Tutankhamen's sarcophagus. And there's an unfair, it looks like it was tea stained for a mummy costume. Tea stained, sweetie. Well. Tea stained. It was shit stained and tea stained. Yeah, and crystallized. Yeah.

Girl, and crystallized. Okay. The problem is too, I feel like people are unfair about uncircumcised dicks being unclean. There's a lot of disgusting circumcised dicks. Tell it again for the people in the back. That's like when people are like, you have a...

The idea that tops have big dicks and bottoms bottom because they don't. Because they have teeny little peanuts. That is not fucking true. Mama, there's a lot of untruths that we're going to Indiana Jones uncover in this episode of the pod today. So get out your notepads and your little scribble pens and put your earbuds in. Yes. And we finally have something to talk about because yesterday you did a performance at the plaza for Apocalypse. Apocalypse, which this is a fabulous T-shirt designed by Abel Macias, who's an incredible successful artist who, yes, I do want to fuck.

Thank you. I'll just say that out loud. I want to fuck that man. He's booed up right now. It's okay. I'll wait. And so he's a lovely guy. I'll wait. I'll say your house with a knife. Two knives. I'll wait at your man's house. But I cut the break line. Then he's pissed.

I'll wait for the blood, for the dog transfusion blood to go in his body. I'll wait to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector. Why did I make him soozy? I don't know. I'll take the batteries out of this carbon monoxide. And I will put a hose from my exhaust pipe into his mouth and I'll wait all night long because I've got the time because I have a 401k. I'll tell you what, girlfriend. I want to be your girlfriend, so I'm going to take out your booze. Ah!

Now that's a good investment. Now that is a good investment. You know when Suzy wants you, she comes for that ass. You know. You know, Suzy. She's taking that ass down to Fiorucci Boulevard and selling it. I'm still listening to the Women & Money podcast. Are you? With her and KT. And it starts with the Sia song, I'm Unstoppable.

Oh, God. Every week. And so now that's, by the way, that song plays everywhere. And I always now think of that podcast. But there would be a better song. How about Money Makes the World Go Around? That would be better. Yeah, I suppose. A mark, a yen, a buck, or a pound? Come on, Susie. Get it together. Money makes the world go round. Yes. Candor and Ed. Rat-a-tat, rat-a-tat, at the window. Who's there? Ooh, hunger. Ooh.

I'm hungry. My experience with your show started yesterday when you stopped by my house. Okay. So I employed the services of a very talented DJ, Patty, Miss Patty. Brought that for you. Oh, I thought you were doing cheers. I thought Brandon gave it to me. I said, is that for me? He said, that's for your little friend. Oh my, oh, thank you, Brandon Tina. Oh, not Brandon Tina. Well, that's his Christian name. Hey, you better too. Brandon brought that. Brandon said, that's for your little friend. That's so nice of him. Um,

So anyways, I'm trying not to do what I did last time, which is spike my caffeine level so high that I go home, have a headache, and then have a nervous breakdown around 5 p.m. It's a dangerous game. Caffeine is definitely a drug. Well, it absolutely is a drug. And also, that is a lot of fucking sugar, bitch. Well, I also grabbed the sugar-free. Full fat. Oh, yeah, in the UK. Would you like a full fat Coke, babes?

A full fat coke? I don't know. There's a pot roast in my mouth. I can't tell you. But also, being full sugar doesn't mean full fat. Fat and sugar are not the same thing. Well, the sugar converts to fat.

That's my scientist voice. But sugar isn't automatically fat. But it gets there. Sometimes. Transforms into it on Saturday. These are a little intense. Yeah, yeah. It's a lot. We don't need this rocket fuel yet. But the point is, I went home from the show, got a lovely night's sleep. I had a fabulous massage. And I feel great. We got to go back to the show, though. I'm going. Okay.

I decided to do a lip synca style, an homage to lip synca because my favorite drag number of all time is on YouTube. Lip synca 1995 at the Boy Bar in NYC. It's the Barbara, please. Starts out with the Lauren Bacall. I feel great. You know, it's like, I feel bombastic and simply fantastic, but alive, but alive, but alive. And then it goes telephone. Oh, there's somebody on the telephone. And it goes, hi.

Hello, dearies in a big hidey hole. And like, Barbara, please. Please, Barbara. You know, is this the one where she's like, she's on the telephone.

She has a whole bunch. This woman is the, she's so like, she basically invented the mashup lip sync. No, she's the most impressive, best, most virtuosic lip syncher in the world. Yeah. Period. Period. She was on Joan Rivers. And, and, and drag Queens lip syncing to mixes wasn't exactly popularized until she did what she did with it. Her shows ran like a 60 minute show. She shit on them. This number is about 12 minutes long. She comes out and shits on them. She's like, how do I look? And she looks fabulous. Yeah. Beautiful. But she says, um, one thing she's like,

Mrs. Whitney Ames and her debutante daughters, Susan and Lydia, wowed the fashion scene in originals by the atelier of Dallian and his new and talented associate, Ray. See, I can't even do it. Like she says it, it's just so perfect. You did a great job. You know, I turned to Dave when we left. I rehearsed. I said, I don't get to see Katya perform very often. And when I do, it's something I've seen rehearsed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I was like,

She really has a good lipstick. I called Andrew this morning and said, God, you're a good performer. I practiced it. I hate to say it. And he said to me, she's like, I've worked for you for two years. I've never seen you excited to work. Every time you work, I'm there picking up your shit, your sweat stain panties and hearing you bitch and moan and cry. I've never seen you be excited. And I was truly on top of the world last night. It was fun. It was a very schizo moment.

Brennick energy, the mix. But you knew it like the back of your hand, which doing a brand new mix is hard. Well, so Patty made the mix. It was six and a half minutes long, very complicated. A lot of picking up a lot of sound effect cues. And you got to know them like. Mama. You got to know them like. If you don't slam the phone down, what's the point? So I'm going to review the footage. I'm sure it wasn't perfect, but we had a lot of irregular sounds.

It was very complicated. So I had to go into Miss GarageBand. I had to get out the exiled computer from the porn cleanse, fire her up. But don't worry. She got all that free gigabyte space. I downloaded Miss GarageBand, Miss Banda de Garage. And then it's not it. That's not it. No. And so we went in there like fucking spelunking into that little music thing. And we came up with this fun mix with Lawrence of Milania.

And most importantly, Lourdes Leon. The hardest thing about making those mixes is, because I have made them in my life. The location. When does it come in? When does the cue, what's the order? You have to be able to say it. I would say the harder thing is finding the clip, finding it a high enough quality, downloading it and trying not to let the viruses kill your computer. Oh, yeah. It's really hard to steal audio clips from YouTube. Because I don't fuck with YouTube to MT3. I don't fuck with her. I find the, I own it. Well, I don't steal the songs, but I will steal a clip from a TV show or something. I screen record it.

that's how you do it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You screen record anything. No downloading. I have never thought of that. I, unfortunately I happen to own sex in the city to Lawrence of my labia. Thank you very much. And I, um, you know, the exorcist, uh,

Because then you could, you could like at the airport quick spend an hour collecting all the clips you need. And then when you get to your computer, you have them. And you came to my rescue because I wanted this gaggy moment of the, the, you know, the, the, the cameo at the end with the, that nasty stab sound, which I will be playing right at this moment. Yeah. It is disgusting. For my EDM stuff, I use splice, which is like,

a big bank of all kinds of drum beats and shit. But they also have cinematic sound effects. And I was like, I bet there's a knife one. And the knife stab we found, get into this, listeners was. And Jane Krakowski's coming up. That was terrible. I'm going to be constructive here. You should kill yourself. And just like that, Miss Big died.

It was a great mix. You did a great, you should love it. You know what else is great? It's not Halloween-y. You can now use that mix. Well, yeah, I don't need to, I could just give her the stab. But also there's a whole nother version with, there's a whole nother version with all the rest of the song cabaret. It's six and a half minutes. It was tons of like picking up, throwing down. So I got another longer version. Yeah. Yeah.

And we put in Old Man River at the last minute because previously there was, do you hear the people sing? Kevin Zeta-Jones. The grittiness of life. Like, literally zero people would have got that. And they'd be like, you know.

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I loved it. It was a great time. I did it well. And I, and I rehearsed it at not, I really rehearsed it. You really knew it. I loved it. That was the key, which is very impressive that you like, I couldn't wait to do it. I knew the song cabaret. I've known that for years. So that was an easy one. Coco Brown. I knew for years, all the clips I knew. I just, I, Lord is was the tough one. Cause I was like, I fucking like, it was just so funny at the end when she's like, um, and as for me, uh,

And as for me, I fucking love it. And as for me, everything's great. I made my mind up back in Chelsea. I love it. It's just so funny and stupid. I had the second hand like of watching the euphoria of being a drag queen and actually lifting your finger for once and having it pay off.

Like drag queens notoriously want to do so little. They don't even want to learn their own music. And they want like a thunderous ovation. Yeah. A thunderous ovation. But when you actually learned it, Andy went first. I was like, oh, there's something magical to applying yourself in drag. I want to try something. And if I'll try it once, if it doesn't work out, I'll just skip it. But I want to try to do that spoken word lip sync that I spent so long on years and years ago. I want to try to rap it live. Can I do it? Yeah, sure. Okay.

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Thank you.

I betcha 50 Cent, Elvis Don came and went. Eventually every black eyed pea, Gwen Stefani, P. Diddy and Britney, every wannabe on MTV with their assy bling, every Dixie chick that sings, they all gonna see the King of Kings. I don't care if you're J-Lo or Leno or Bono. One thing you gotta know, someday you're gonna die, bro. Then where you gonna go? Hey, I'm not talking some punk junk that's irrelevant like your grandma's church from way back when. It's not some preacher feature on TBN that you need to be liking or listening. The real superstar is Jesus Christ.

I did it! I did it!

Ooh, they're right now all the way. Tomorrow low. I remember that. Yeah. But you, like, how do I know that I know the song? Can you say the song? Can you say the song? Can you say it? You need to know it without the music. Exactly. Then you can play with it. Otherwise you don't know it. Then you can perform it. If you're thinking about a song, girl, your performance ain't boo-boo. It's boo-boo. That's like now when I get an acting thing, unless it's cartoons.

I do not do it unless I know that I'm going to learn it inside out because if I can't play with it, then it's not gonna be fun. I've never, I've never been able to do that because I'm such an asshole. I'm so lazy and I'm not a good actor, but I want that.

This is what I want. I want that. Well, even for voice stuff, I'm on a cartoon right now. And you have to prepare it to the point where... You have several options. You've done the this way, that way, this way, this way. I can do it like this. Because in cartoons, we all record separately. So you don't know how the other person's going to say it. Yeah, they need options. I was on an audition call with a director a while ago and he was like,

I was so embarrassed. He was like, so it's for a Russian thing. I was like, it's in English. And I was going on for like three, four minutes. It was supposed to be in Russian? No, no, no. It was not supposed to be in Russian. But why were you making it Russian? It was a Russian accent.

And I just like, I was, I thought I was being so cunty. And I was like, and I was like, he was like, and I would just talk over him, talk over him. And he's like, actually, there's no Russian language in this part. Was it written? Yeah. In English? Yeah. Yeah.

But I was auditioning for it. So you thought you were really going to drop... I thought you were going to let them know. I thought I was dropping bars like Chet Hanks. Yeah. Bumbleclad. Do you know what I mean? You thought like every other girl was going to come in here. Was it for a crossdresser? They were going to be like, how are you? I'm from Russia. Was it for a crossdresser? No, it's just something that never... One time I got something. I didn't get it. I auditioned for a sitcom that...

a new agey friend and they were like you're the only drag queen we're auditioning and I was like that's not that doesn't bode well oh like a crystal healer kind of thing they were all doing all real girls and then I was the like wild card audition they were like you're the only person who's not a woman that we're considering did you get it? of course not oh okay what did you do? I was like thinking of myself I'm like so this is a world where

everyone and it's a normal person and i'm gonna be in drag and we're all just gonna like i don't like that i wouldn't believe that i wouldn't believe that not with your makeup i mean the kids in the hall with anyone's makeup but dave foley cola scola that's i believe chassie tucker's a woman i believe you know what i mean a woman yeah yeah yeah amy sidaris yeah yeah yeah or or dave foley and the kids in the hall like yes some some of the even the guys in the state they're like that's a woman you put on a wig and that's a girl and that's good enough for me mama it's the

I preferred that. Something I love about, something I love about Reno 911 is oftentimes one of the actors is,

If they're not in the scene, they will play the perpetrator and they'll blur out their face. And a lot of times they'll grab like a guy and put him in a wig and make him a woman. I love that. And you can kind of tell if you like the show, like, oh, that must be so-and-so. I wish we had the faces where we could pull that off. But maybe we have nothing like that. Do you know how bad I wish I looked like Colas Colo? Where like I just put on a lash and a lip and I look like a beautiful woman. Just mascara. I know. No lash. He puts on rouge.

He's got a beautiful skin. He probably does a BB cream, rouge, and then a little lip gloss and a little wiglet. And he's like, hi, Amy. How are you?

I've got more fallopian tubes than you'll ever have. I know. It's crazy. People are like, how did you come up with this makeup? And I go, I had to. If I wanted to do drag, I couldn't exactly just hope for the best lighting. How did Raytheon develop those bombs? It was a wartime necessity. Necessity. So the show last night was at Plaza, which is, I'm just going to say it, a lovely place.

Lovely place. Lovely place. Couldn't get a drink if you're a... It is so hard to get a drink. Bring BYOB. I know you can't, but... And I'm not drinking, so I'm trying to... You were there. I sit down. I cross my legs, and David's finished the tequila soda. So I gotta get him another one. I got him one, too. I'm at the... Yes. He turned to me. He said, can you tell her to get me a tequila soda? And I said, we're at her show. No, I got pull. I got pull. I got pull. So I get him his little drink, and then I keep having to go get my drinks, and Raja was there dressed as olive oil looking...

Oh, I didn't get that. I thought she was just beautiful. No, she was olive oil. She said that she told a Gen Z kid that she was olive oil and they were like, like the bottle, like the food. I said, do they think that you were going to dress as a condiment? Like a cooking tool? Like a vinaigrette costume couple? Yeah. Like what are you doing? She looked great. I said, are you working? Balsamic's in the bathroom. She said, no, I just, I made this outfit and I wanted to go out on Halloween. Don't you love that? Mary, she's so beautiful.

Though I saw, she did a little tour, an 80s style tour of her studio. Mama, the way I will rob that whore. If she dies tomorrow, I hope she does. She's got nice clothes. And she's nice and tall too. Oh, thank you. Roomie through the hips. I'm going to, yeah, I'm going to like rob that whore. Cause she's got, she has such a refined, beautiful sense of style and also frugal, creative. She will take a pair of fucking boots from Kohl's and try to rob her.

and turn them, and Dolce & Gabbana would wish. Oh, I know. Would wish. They would wish. Her makeup artistry, I used to work in P-Town with her. She's 85 years old and she looks like my daughter. I know. She looks like my adopted daughter. She sat- It's crazy. Across from me, two vanities across from each other and I would be getting ready at the same time as her sometimes and-

20 minutes for her to completely do her makeup. She would do this glitter. I mean, she really, you can't fuck with that face. You can't touch it. Both the face and the makeup on it. You can't touch it. No, you can't touch it because she'll slap you. She's Gemini. Two-faced bitch. Raja Gemini. Raja the Gemini. Roger. Roger. Roger. Love to call her Roger. Roger, capital R. Who framed Raja Rabbit? Who framed Raja Rabbit? Who? Who? Who?

I got an owl in my backyard that literally is a cartoon and it goes, hoot. It goes H-O-O-T. Hoot. She said, hoot. I'm up here. Like, it's so, I'm like, this is Looney Tunes up in there. It's Looney Tunes. Your backyard is beautiful. It's hoot. No, but when you get this.

Ooh. I'm like, your back is a little scary. Is it an animal or is it a, is it that, is that twirling up in there stuck in the, in the thickets? No, it's owls. I love birds. Owls are a little scary. But they're a little literal. They're like, but even in nature shows, they're just like, you're the camera. And then they're like,

They're literally, do you know what she did? Your cunting daughter. Yes, yes. They're kind. I watched a lot. We just wrapped Halloween. It's November 1st as we film this. We watched a lot of Halloween shit this year. And I made you watch the most scandalous episode or section of The Exorcist while we did the mix at your house.

In your gorgeous fucking television. Oh my God. It was suicide watch when I got home again. Oh, I know. David has the nerve to lay in front of an 85 inch television and be like, it should have been an entire. And also say, I don't know. The movie was kind of had a slow start. I would watch, I would watch literally.

I would watch paint dry on that fucking beautiful thing. 85 inch television. You better believe when I play my PlayStation on it, I pull my chair right up to it. Yeah. David told me this isn't the PlayStation TV. Hard dick looks like venom from the superhero venom dick just coming out, split in two. Bright purple dick. Did you see that meme about all those different superhero dicks? Which one you take in? And the girl was like, honey.

Carnage in the mouth. Venom in... Super venom in the pussy and the ass. This one between the titties. Alternating between the titties and the pussy and the other ones in my hands. Bloop. Will you take... Will you... Will...

Will I take your son to the library? Will you suck someone's dick after he's been in an ass? I have, many times. I've sucked. Oh, no, sorry, sorry, sorry. I've sucked. Will you suck the dick? Will you pull the dick out of an ass and then suck it? It's happened to me because if I, because mama, I know, I know what's going on downtown. Downtown. Petula Clark. I know what's going on downtown. And I've also done, this is kind of gross, but I'm so horny right now. Get a double orgasm after the massage by myself. I forgot to lead with that.

Let's take a break. Now, what's a double orgasm? Let me tell you. I'm so glad you asked. It's a multiple orgasm, but there's only two. So I was...

I was, cause I have been no porn mama. Is it an ingasm? I read about this in Men's Health. No, no, no, no, no. Okay. No, no. She's out. It's out.com. It's out. It's out. She's out at night. Pride edition, you know. Out of the park. Out, yeah. Um, out festival. What is it? We gotta get booked at out in the park. Mama, it's happening. I already talked to the organizer. We gotta get booked at out in the park. Mama, out in the park or out the out loud festival?

No, I have two goals for us. One is for us to get booked to be at Six Flags for Out in the Park. Out in the Mountain. Out in the Mountain, yes. Mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama,

Okay, now we're talking. We don't have to work the whole night. Now we're talking. We don't have to work the whole night. But I don't think they want you to go on till 1 a.m. Oh, sweet. How about they don't usually let it, but we could get them to do GoPros. On the forehead. Yes, please. Mama, because I cry.

I cry. I cried on X2 twice. I was like, it's so beautiful. It's so beautiful. Superman? Do you think you're on the notebook? No, no, no. I'm not on the notebook. I'm on the bridge to Terabithia. Sure. I'm like going, it's a hyperspace bitch. You lose yourself. Ooh, it's like Diplo at the DJ set. Bloop, bloop, bloop. But wait, wait. I had a double orgasm. So I was yanking it.

Sorry, ladies. And I was like, you know, and then I was having an orgasm. No porn. No porn. Just imagination. Just. Not that she was watching. Just the Spanish. How come nobody else in the room could speak Spanish? You look right at the brown person. Because. Tracy.

But why do you keep looking at her forever? It's not her job to educate you. Well, actually, her job description just changed. It's not her job to do the labor of educating you. She's doing the labor. I'm doing the work. What are you doing? So I began to ejaculate. Let's keep it kosher. So I began to ejaculate. I was like, this is kind of a mid-orgasm. I'm cool with it. So we're...

She's giving mid. She's not eating. She's not eating. So this is kind of giving mid. It's like kind of mid. But I'm here for it because it's like whatever. What do I expect? I'm not looking at porn. I'm not on drugs. You know what I mean? So what do I expect? It's a learning curve. It's brown rice and vegetables. Do you like brown rice and vegetables? Worse than dog food. But this was not a dog food orgasm. It was like lean cuisine.

We're doing Lean Cuisine. Okay. We weren't doing Green Chef. We weren't doing. Lean Cuisine, which is about a third of a cup of food. Right. I think I've measured. It's about a third of a. It is edible. The ravioli one, I'm not kidding, has four raviolis. Sweetie, darling. And in three of them. Suspicious activity inside. Four raviolis. Suspicious. If you see something, don't eat something. A Lean Cuisine. Does it defeat the purpose of having three in one sitting? Well, I would say this is the Trader Joe's frozen tikka masala of an orgasm.

It's edible. It's not preferable. I'll take it. Yeah. So then, but then we went, oh girl, then we went right to Erewhon or whatever to the prepared foods place or we went to, you know. You came twice in the same city? So I was, I came, I was coming, I was coming and then I was like, oh, it's over. I was like, oh no, no, no, no, no. It was like when the coaster comes from behind but there's no brakes. Oh, she bumped it right back up and it was twice, twice.

uh, twice the fun for double the pleasure, like double mint gum. I was like, Whoa, I didn't say that, but it was like, then it was doing all that stuff. Love that. I love it. I love it. You know what happens? But it was crazy. It never happened to me before. This happened to me recently. And you know who I'm talking about where I'm unsuspectingly looking at porn Twitters and I accidentally see not only someone we know someone I might not want to see.

Hey, you better chill. I'm not going to say who it is. You better lay low. Okay. But when you see a friend of yours, one of the girls, you go, Oh shit. Like that just like derailed my, my dick collapses into itself. And I look down and there's a clip. Well,

But my dick just disappears. Doctors is more like, wonderful work. Who does it? Yeah, I'm into the porn. I'm into the porn. And then I see a friend and my dick. Mama. My dick grabs her car keys and skids out of the driveway. You got orange robes on because you're living in a monastery. You've taken the vow of celibacy. Not robes. Orange. I'm in jail. It's a jumpsuit. I'm in a Filipino prison. Doing the thriller. Doing thriller. Doing thriller, bitch.

Doing Thriller. I watched a little documentary on the dancing prison. Let's, we can't talk about prison. We got to keep it light. Okay. Keep it light. Um, because that is prison, not light. Oh,

Because I watched, have you ever watched Inside the World's Most Dangerous Prisons? No, if it's Russian, I can't. Well, I watched that. I'll say this about prison. It's torture. It's shocking how different they are country to country. Sweden? Denmark? PlayStation? Sweden. That's not even, that's the Four Seasons. The Four Seasons, yes. Four Seasons. Also, they got, do you want to learn? Denmark? Do you want to learn Dutch? Do you want to learn Japanese?

I went to prison. What'd you do there? I got my PhD. Yeah, I got my PhD in electrical engineering. Do you need any rewiring done in your summer cottage? Yeah. Bloop. 100%. It's crazy. Well, they have human rights things. They have like respected dignity for human rights. They also have a very responsible, you know, all the bikes there. But also a small homogeneous population.

Denmark and Sweden. Hands down. Denmark and Amsterdam. Like Sweden. Two of the most beautiful places I've ever seen. Mama, they're weathering. Their weather's booboo though. But no littering. Everyone's nice. Everyone's riding a bike. It's the size of Massachusetts. Let's be real though. Do you know what I mean? That's a manageable. Do you think America's too big? Do you think that's the problem? Of course it is. It's way too big. She should be cut up into thirds. One should be sunk in the ocean. I won't say which one, but you know who you are. Boop, boop.

And then, you know, it's not an all in one place, but select little states could maybe just exit the chat for a moment. Maybe rethink their choices and come back when they've regrouped. I know. I'm talking about. But you know what, though? You know what I wish? What? And we used to be like, oh, we would never want that. I wish. I wish. You want to secede from the union?

States, right. People's beliefs are so different in America. I know. That I wish we could just like cut it in fourths. And it's like, all right, if you're a hardcore Christian and that's what you want, go over here. The Indian Ocean actually was built on a bed of strawberries. If you go down to the bottom, you can still smell it. Right. And then like...

If you are condos down there, if you're, if you're a fag baby who believes in the devil, go up here. Right. And then like, but instead it's just, it's all free for all. It's a cross stitch. I think what we really went wrong, of course, let's say a foundation of slavery, genocide, that the country starting with stealing, murdering, murdering, theft, kidnapping, genocide, slavery, rape. Thank you. But also mama, where's, where were the, another R word that we really sorely miss the railways.

The railroad. Why don't we have effective train travel in this fucking country? Japan, bullet train.

Europe. Channel. Touring Europe. Channel. Another channel. Train. Train. Another train. Touring the UK is actually nicer via train. Mama, you don't have to go through security. Airports suck in the UK. Security? Airports in the UK are a performance. It's like a community production of I want to eat my own feces. Girl, meanwhile, the train situation, show up to your train seat. There's Wi-Fi. There's food. Buy it online. Buy it on the computer. No TSA. Honey, show up a minute before it enters the station. Maybe it's three minutes.

It's like, who knows? Things happen. Happen. But I got my little suitcase. Why did he put our bag suit x-ray on a plane but not on a train? Mama, why are they taking my little- Like people can't kill me on a train? Why are they taking my little teeny little tester spritzer bottle of Tom Ford tobacco oud out? Do you want to spritz yourself? Do you smell like poopy? What are you doing with that? Also, why can't I take my little six ounces of water because I'm dehydrated? Look at my skin. You think I'm going to blow up the plane with this water? What the fuck is wrong with you? I don't know. What is wrong with you? Not you. Not you. Not the agent. Not the agent.

The best is when they take that clear and seal that Biore pore strip and wipe your palms. Oh, whatever the fuck they're doing. Testing for explosives. Mama, this pussy bomb. We all know that. What I said, the first time I said, what, what it was, what is that? He said, we're testing for explosives. And I went, it's like, well, I haven't figured myself today. So you got nothing to worry about. Testing for explosives. These are empty hands. Bomb. No, you've been handling bomb. Bomb ass pussy. What if I work at a bomb factory? Thank you. Raytheon.

Do you see a bomb? Do you need a machine to tell you this isn't a bomb? The fact that a company was – This is a gun. Hold on. Oh, shit. You better lay low. No, the fact that a company has probably publicly traded and employs thousands of workers to create, engineer the technology for this machine, that's the farce. That's a farce.

I'm glad that there's jobs and people having livelihood, but this whole TSA farce, mama, what is going on? Do you know what I've been doing for David? We went to San Francisco last weekend to see Terror Vault, which was amazing. Loved it. Love. Love. Is there a cream though? I know there's peaches, but what about cream? And cream. Yeah, yeah. Have you ever seen Connie and Carla? No, I haven't. There's a drag queen deal on that. Is that Mia, the Greek actress? Yes, and...

Tony Collette. Oh yes. And they play spoiler alert. The log line is they witness a murder by the mob and they have to go into hiding and they're two struggling cabaret performers and they go into hiding as drag Queens.

They pretend to be gay men. Oh, it's the, it's the, it's the birdcage. So they work in a queer and they accidentally are really good at it, but they don't want to get found out because people are looking for them to kill them. Oh my gosh. Like cis-drag in the birdcage. It's amazing. It's a very underrated drag movie. It's so good. I love it. There's a part where she's singing maybe this time from Cabaret and she comes out singing and the girl looks at her like this and she goes, I'll be home. And then Cesar goes,

Because she remembers she's supposed to be a born male. So funny. I love that. I love it. Forgot why I was telling you this. But maybe this time I sang that while getting de-dragged with scissors on stage in college, just like Chirac did last night. Which if you know Miss Yang, Miss Astor Yang, costume superstar, doll maker extraordinaire.

Those scissors had me nervous, bitch. I had my fan up against my face. Mama, I heard stories about Coco Chanel that she would intentionally pin the models, prick them with the pins because she's, for whatever reason, was a Nazi. I don't know. But like she, Miss Yang, when she's fitting me for a dress, I'm like, no, no, no. I think we'll use the dress for him.

I think we use the dress for him. She pins it into the skin. She's, you know how she is. She's yanking. She's pulling. She's physical. She's physical. She's doing American gladiators at that fitting. And then she's, she's bumping her crotch against you. The floor is lava. She's standing on top of you, fitting the dress. The floor is lava. The dress is lava. The dress is lava. Yeah, yeah. And you are a punching bag and a pin cushion. And I'm like, oh, oh. Well, she's used to dolls.

No shit. She's just depending into dolls. And also she's a confident person. She's not, doesn't second guess herself. Sometimes to her detriment, I would say. But you know, I'm like, oh, I'm so careful. It takes me. She's like, girl, let's whip this out in two seconds and bam, bam. But at what cost? You wear a lot of red though. Human flesh, you know, at the cost of my human flesh. So when I saw those actual fucking shears. Heck,

Packing. Not medical shears. Packing. Not the rounded one. No, no, no. Sewing shears. Maybe, how about maybe like a box cutter that's ceramic? How about those ceramic box cutters that would have worked lovely? It was a box cutter on a person's body. A person's body. No, they were shearing. But I didn't see any blood. I didn't see any blood. He nicked her. I went backstage. He got the gal. He got the gal a few times. Yes. He got the gal. She nicked they. I don't know who was doing what. Because everyone was doing personas. Andrew was nicked Chirac. Yes. Yes.

And I love Chirac. Oh my God. Everyone knows that. What a bravery. And I'm on stage going, what? Cause you know, I came in the dressing room and I saw her and I didn't say hi to her. I didn't say hi to him in the dressing room cause I felt rude. And I just was like trying to get my little prop and leave. But somebody went, that's Chirac. And I went, ha ha. It is Chirac. I gagged. It is Chirac. And also the panic halfway through the number, I was like, did they rehearse this at all? Because I loved it. No, no, I loved it too. But there was a moment where I was like, um,

I don't know how long the song is. Are they behind? That's what I'm saying. I was like, leave it up to Miss Thing to like, oh, we'll just wing it and not know that. You know how it's a classic drag thing of like, oh, I know. And then you find out on stage in real time in front of an audience that,

What you had planned is not possible. Songs either feel way too short or so long. Sometimes you're like, I don't really think past the first chorus. And your big finish happens. The wig reveal in the first 15 seconds. Oh, yeah. Or the ba-ba-da-ba-ba and nothing. The song is over. It's been over for two minutes. It's really sad. But anyways, the whole point of drag is you don't rehearse drag. It's drag. But that show was fierce and lovely and I loved it.

hottest crowd, the girls, the couple of lovely women who were porn women who were dressed as I drew my genie and then a kitty, a sexy kitty.

There was someone dressed as you. Oh, yeah. That looked flawless. Mama, giving Balenciaga and then she in. She looked – She out. She made you look like – Yeah, she out. She out. She out. You looked like ASOS presents Katya. The buffet and then hunger, not eating. And she looked so good. Her makeup looked so good. The wig. Look at my Instagram. Look at my Instagram. She did those – She had the nerve to do those tights on regular fishnets. Mary, let me tell you this. Which, by the way –

They're going to rip him one day. But they haven't. She's worn them three times. But I'm going to tell you this. She was sitting with someone. Usually people go as us together. She was sitting with someone with little braids, blonde braids and a hot dog costume. And I turned to David Silver. I said, if that's me, we're leaving. I thought she was sitting next to the someone who had the paper bag over their head that said ugly. That could have been me.

That could have been fucking me. That was so, I love that. It was so funny. How about the honey bunches of oats lady? Oh my God. Fun fact. That guy is Brian. Um, I figured his last name hot smudge on, on Instagram. He's so fucked.

fucking hot. I know, but he was the Honey Bunches of Oats old lady. So he had the gray curly wig with the factory helmet. Yes, the factory hairnet. With the Honey Bunches of Oats. And it looked just like her. He is so hot. And a hot guy sitting there in the dumbest costume. It gets me a $10 Dracula. It gets me so... It's Halloween. The only thing I'm afraid of is coming all over your pussy lips. Getting a boner.

Getting a big boner. Spreading these lips and having you skeet all over it. Prego. Prego. So wait, you know, how about this? When you're so comfortable and so shaded from the troubles of the world that you order an AuraQuick and like just on a whim, you forget and it comes in. Go get tested at one medical. Oh mama, don't you dare.

You can show up anytime you want. They have lab hours all day. Don't you dare get me started about one medical. Why? What's wrong? I got a bone to pick. Actually, I've got a bone to break with them. Oh, because of the foot? How's the x-ray? How's your foot? How's the x-ray? Eight days later. It took eight days. Can I tell you? When I rolled my ankle. Eight days. When I rolled my ankle in Palm Springs, I got in a doctor and had an x-ray in an hour. Wow.

In an hour. Good for you. That's amazing. Eight days. And I'd love to call out RadNet. Girl, ain't nothing rad about your fucking net. I know it's radiology network, but whatever. Girl, rad, sad net. Okay? Flop net. Poo poo net.

crap net shit net is your foot better yeah stress fracture no nothing probably a bad sprain but i iced elevated and compressed for three full fucking days because i was terrified well that's why it's better and also i was dilating all that time which if you which if you were coming to see us in richmond etc we we canceled for the foot injury mama and i'm not joking let me i'm not joking bitch take your hat off bitch balding bitch

I could tell you were sick because... No, no, mama, I hated it. I hate... I was not in... It was miserable. I would have... I didn't want to go on the road. I would have loved to do the shows. I didn't want to go to the airport, but I... Well, that's what I said. I said if it was Los Angeles, we would have pushed through. Yes. But the airport and shit, it would have made it worse. No, I'm telling you. And then I come back to LA and it'd be worse. And then it would be a fucking stress fracture because I'd do something stupid on stage because you get all crazy. And like, I just...

I'm sorry. I actually really am sorry because I know people did like they did Airbnbs and non-refundable hotels. But listen, listen, I'm so sorry. But, you know, I had I spent a thousand dollars to see Labada in Miami and flew my friends there and she wore a yellow suit from Zara. So I know you're paying them. I wish you would have. At least she showed up. No, no. I wish you would have canceled because I'm still processing that suit.

Okay. I could have, I would have been over her absence. She's looking fab, fabletics by Kate Hudson these days, but not that yellow suit. It haunts me like the Ringu, like, like, um, talk to me. Right. It's the haunting of pill house. The haunting of pill house. Girl, that cracked me up. Good pill hunting. Good pill hunting. Yeah. Pilly Wonka. Yeah.

I'm making oxys, of course. We were making jokes about when people are visibly on pills, which is a funny thing to joke about. Of course, drugs. But people doing recreational drugs where it's like, oh, she's drunk. She's high. But I'm like, oh, she's Miss Pill. And then we were like, no, she's Good Pill Hunting. She's the Haunting of Pill Manor. Yeah, yeah. No, the Haunting of Pill House. Haunting of Pill House. Pilliwanka. She's also Good Pill Hunting. Hank Pill. Pill Smith. Pill Smith and Pillow Smith. Pillow Smith.

and pillow smith and oh my god and um um what was it uh the uh oh give me another one we gotta do another one what's another one pill there was you

Oh God. Oh, Pill and Grace. Pill and Grace. Mama, she's Pill and Grace. She's Pill and Grace. She's good pill hunting, honey. Good pill hunting cracked me up. I took a fat edible before that show. So what? It helped. Oh yeah. It helped what? Process the beauty, the glamour, the technique. It made me just able to lock my eyes on the drag and forget that anyone else in the room was even watching the show. How beautiful did Andrew look as Isabella Rossellini? And I, you know what, I'm going to give my credit. He wasn't going to do that outfit.

I made, those are all my jewels and all my trim. He needed that jewels. Yeah. And that was my dress. I said, you're going to make this outfit, bitch. And you're going to do it with these jewels. And he did it in probably under an hour. Yeah. He looked great. The hair looks great. Bob, the lip. I said, you look like Selma fucking Blair, bitch. You look great. I don't know about that. But I told him Selma Blair. Yeah. I was like close enough. Selma Blair, rich. Although Selma Blair has short blonde hair now. She doesn't have, but she used to have like the short McCarthy pillow pill.

Pillow pill. Or just willow pill, which I guess isn't as good. I like pillow pill. Pillow pill. I like pillow Smith. We're going to a Jack and Pill party. Wait, do you know about Jack and Jill lighting?

So it's the two little recessed lighting world that I'm trying to get excise myself from. I know about Jack and Jill bathrooms. Well, Jack and Jill lighting is little like his and hers reading lights by the bedroom that you go boop. Jack and Jill switches. Oh, yeah. We have that here. We sure do, girl. Are you Jack? Oh, the set. The set. You must be Jill because you're such a clumsy woman. Jack. Oh, my God. Pillow Smith. Pillow Smith. Okay. Okay.

Last night was so good though. If anybody gets a chance, the show is called Cabaret. Apocalyptic. Right here, look. Apocalyptic. It's a quarterly, I think it's about a quarterly extravaganza. Yes. Usually it's themed like it'll be holiday stuff. The Pucks one's probably holiday. Christmas. And guess what? I already have, I mean, I'm going to say it so I can follow through with it. I have a major passion project as in I'm not going to make any money. I'm going to lose a lot of money on this number. But I have a fabulous show stopping Christmas number planned with choreo.

I have the call out to Laganja. She has not responded yet. Hi, girl. But to do it, but me and Roman, who's a trained ballerina in Austin, we want to do this incredible number about...

Love. Now you've got me interested. I will say this though. The fun of this show is that the people who go are artsy people, industry people, porn people, drag queens. Let's keep it a little fight club here. I want you guys to sell out and make a lot of money.

What, what, what, what, what? Let's just keep the audience fun, queer, and cool, shall we? Oh, what are you talking about? Artsy people, creators, weirdos. Let's just keep it weird. Every other part of drag is gentrified and that's partially our fault. But this is, but this is, these are artists. Let's keep this one cool. Mom, that guy I told you about the house I nutted over last episode, he was in the audience before, you know, it was Chance High Tech.

Yeah, it's just a great vibe there. It was every cool person in LA. I stood up and started dancing. No one was dancing. I was. You go through hell dancing. I stood up and I was like. You hate to dance.

You go through hell dancing. Well, it was that fierce Diana Ross song. Upside down. Yeah, you tell me. You have to dance. Oh, wait, wait. So last final thought, final, final thought. While I was driving to the plaza, they were doing my neighborhood's trick or treat moment. I was listening to Car Wash at full blast by Rose Royce on Halloween for some reason. And I drove by Morticia Gomez Adams and their probably five-year-old daughter Wednesday and

In the cutest, sexiest, not the child. The parents were so fucking hot and seemed so cool. It was like just enough effort to be awesome, but not too much to be obnoxious. You know what I mean? Yeah. I stopped, rolled down the window. I was like, y'all better fucking work in front of the child. And they looked at me like, what?

And I had to just walk. You're like, we don't have to work today. I was like, yeah, yeah. No, no. It's like. We have the day off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, no, we work from home. Like, it was, they looked, I was like, okay, maybe straight people are onto something. It was so cute. Straight people are. I know. I know we make fun of them. They're beautiful sometimes. They are onto something. I go through hell looking at straight people. They're onto, they're onto what we're supposed to do. No, no. They're, they're on, they, we're off of them.

No, we're off of something. No, no, no. We're off the chain, but it belongs to them. Mary, I'm sitting at Plaza watching a person in a rubber pussy suit with a rubber pussy and red rubber tits walk by me and take a dollar. You think I'm on the right track in my life? You're Lebanese, you're Orient. Transgender life.

Bye. Bye.