Live & Leather Clad in New Orleans with Trixie and Katya
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Well, well, well. We are live. We are live and they are recording tonight's episode. Hello. Yes, they are.

Now, when y'all listen to this in the car in a couple days, I want you to really fucking hear yourself. Hello. Hello. You know what? Someday we're going to look back on this and we're going to be like, we were here. Yes. And that was sad. Those bald faggots did that. Yeah.

- Oh my! - You guys are gonna be like, "We paid for that." - Yeah. - Wow. - Yeah. You know, people make mistakes, people also grow and change. Listen, I'm 41, I just got my asshole waxed. Hello. - Hello! - Welcome! Oh, I'm so sorry, was I interrupting you? - No, no, no, no, no, no. - Okay, okay. - I have long nails on tonight, so I feel like every time I'm about to speak, I have to like,

And I have to shamefully hide mine like little nubs because I'm not wearing not one motherfucking nail. Oh, yeah. On these goblin fucking carpenter plumber blue collar fingers. Things that, you know, I'm in your house doing electrical wiring. You're just ordering me around like Goldie Hawn and Overboard. Oh, totally. Not like that. Not like that. Not like that. I'm like, I'm sorry, ma'am. I'm sorry, ma'am. I'm sorry, ma'am. I'm one of those like hot young bitches in L.A. Well, I wouldn't say young. No, no, no. No.

And I'm going up to guys at the gas station like, "I can't get my card out of the machine because of my nails. Can you get it? And by the way, can you fuck my pussy?" "By the way." "Excuse me, young man. I'm in a bit of a quagmire here, you see. These long, slutty, hot acrylic nails prevent me from pumping my own gas."

Girl, in our neighborhood, I would be like, can you please, my nails are so long, I can't reach the card, could you help me? They'll look at me and go, those are press-ons, faggot. Faggot, those are press-ons, bitch. Pop the nail off, get your own bogus card, and go home, bitch. And he would flip you the bird with a longer acrylic. Uh-oh. You guys knew. Authentic Nolan's magic, baby. Oh, my God.

- Oh my God. You know, I have to-- - Well, Trixie, I do declare I think it is a perfect opportunity to bust out my boilerplate Southern accent that isn't-- - Oh yes, baby. - It's not situated in any particular region of the South, just generally Southern, of course.

However, we do enjoy speaking as if we are Southern gals on the Gilded Age. Now, I'm not sure if you've ever seen an episode of the Gilded Age, but it's very simple. They just say exactly what they're doing, and they say it twice. So...

Here we are, Trixie, at the live event. Trixie, as in you and me, Katya, and we're about to stand here and sit down on chairs. Isn't that incredible? Trixie, you and I sitting down, talking on microphones. Oh, baby, tonight's show is sponsored by Zatarain's. What is that? It's, um... She asked what is Zatarain's boo. Boo. I'll have you know. I'll have you know.

I'll have you know, this dress is awfully tight. Let me just rebutton. Hold on. We are in New Orleans, and I'll have you know, and someday your children will know, that Zatarain's dirty rice is what keeps this city moving, okay? Mama, Zatarain sounds like a pill, not a food, so now I'm just really not interested. You know what, though? We got to the airport today, and there sure the fuck was a bonafide marching band in there playing.

It was amazing. You guys would have been like, when we are on Hollywood Boulevard. It wasn't that good, girl. I was like, go back to rehearsal. You're loud. I got like, I got like weirdly starstruck. I was watching them and they waved to me and I was like. Mama, they weren't waving at you. No, they did wave. They were giving you the finger, you faggot. Yeah. They were like, yeah, yeah, yeah. No. No, they were waving at, what's her name? Yes, you got Alba. Behind me? Yeah. Yes, you got Alba.

You know Jessica Alba? Jessica Alba. Si. Si. We met her, remember? We did. Do you remember? This was a long time ago. This was season seven of Drag Race. Season seven. Ten years ago. So long. Ten years ago. Is it really that long? I'm sorry. I'm gaining weight in this dress. It's so awfully tight. Pleather, in fact. It's beautiful. How about this caramel leather look tonight? Isn't that beautiful? Yeah.

I'm giving Worth Her's original. Do you know what I mean? It's like a caramel fantasy. She's old. Her teeth are very sensitive. She can only do soft candies now. If I were Madonna, I'd be on the soft candy tour.

You know what I have to say though? I, as fun as it is to, um... I have a bird-like profile. Hold on, let me, let me. I recently, sorry, we found out that I have a challenging profile on Twitter. Found out. Found out. Mama, I found out, okay? I found out. I give Birdman of Alcatraz from the side, so I'm just going to keep it cute and say, yes, Trixie, I completely agree with you.

No, literally on stage you would turn and in the jumbotron I would catch your profile and I'd be like, well, looks like the dinosaurs made it after all, baby. Pterodactyl. Pterodactyl. If you look bad from the side, what the fuck do I look like? You know I look like I was cooked in a George Foreman. No, no, no, no, no, no. You look like the alien from Alien put on a wig.

Do you know what I mean? You're getting HR, Geiger, kind of. Sometimes on "Uh," I look this way, and then in the episode when I turn to you, I'm like, "Oh, there's about six feet of wig real estate in the back of my head." Which is like, okay, so big brain. That's big brain energy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, big brain energy.

I might have to undo this belt at some point during the evening so that I can relax and Nola. Do it. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. And this genuine fur rug. How decadent. I know. These are deep armchairs tonight. Last night, they were, like, very firm. Oh, so deep. You guys gave us your classic broken-in armchairs. And Trixie, don't you think it's just a little too deep? A little too comfortable down here at the Roosevelt Theater. Is it the Roosevelt Theater? No. Oh, sorry. Sorry.

- In the bayou. - Have a good night, bye everyone. - We're in the bayou. Oh my God, and my legs are just so itchy down here in this humidity, darling. We have so, mama bitch fucking, let me just stand up for a second. I wanna tell y'all something a little about me, a little something about her, a little something about all of us. I'm sorry, but we're all fierce.

I am not, mama, I am not. That's not, I am past the point, mama. I passed that 40th threshold and I said, mama, self-deprecation, not a day in my life, not no more. I am going to fully, I'm going to stare the truth into the face, look into its milky gray eyes and say, oh, they cut my mic. No, because you know what it is?

They don't want lies. They don't want lies. No, I'm over it. I'm like, you know what? Listen, life is short. My health is, you know, tenuous, nebulous, hanging by a thread. I'm going to relish every moment to appreciate the fact that, honey, we are gorgeous. They are fierce. And this is lit. I mean, come on. Now, let me get one thing straight.

Let me get one thing. We're still Buffalo Bill. Yes. But now when I get close to the mirror and I go, would you fuck me? I go, well, yes. I would. And honey, don't you hurt my dog. I know. But they are not Catherine Martin in a well, honey. No. No, no, no. They are Senator. I'm going to jet. And I'm asking her, Senator, when your little girl's on the slab, where will it tickle you?

Do you remember that? These are Gen Z. No, they're not. No, no.

Sorry, sorry, hold on. Don't you do that. Let me check. Don't you misage these people. You're all fucking old. Is that what you wanted? Is that what you wanted? Is that what you wanted? No, I know. We got Jennifer Zee up in here. Who's the oldest? Who's the oldest here? Let's just figure it out. No, no, no, no, no. We start with, this is how we do it. So if you are 20, raise your hand. If you're at least 20, raise your hand. If you are 20 or been 20, raise your hand. Okay. If you've been 30, keep your hand up.

If you've been 40, keep the hand up. Whoa. Oh, no, it's still popping. If you have been 50 and you can kick, keep the hand up. Oh, that's where we were. 50, 50. No, I see a view. I see a view. Now, this is where it gets real fucking steamy, bitch. And if you're 70 with your tits out right now. No, I'm just kidding. If you are...

Honey, if you have crossed that sensual, sizzling, sexualized threshold of 60, please keep the hand up. Oh, work. Oh, bitch, honey! Work, bitch.

Work, bitch. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. Work, bitch. I hope this doesn't get me in jail because I can't stop touching myself. Thank you. You know, our content reaches all age groups. We don't get a lot of 60 plus, and I'm happy you're here tonight. Clap for that whore right there. Yes. Thank you. Thank you.

Another one, thank you. I really should have had a plan B for this dress because it's just going to keep busting open all night. I'm so embarrassed. I'm such a demure, shy, modest young little girl. I would hate it if they saw every inch and curve of my fucking body. I would hate it so much. Well, you know, sometimes when you suffer for fashion, this isn't bad, but...

- Speaking of suffering, mama, let me tell you something. - Can I announce that if you guys are listening to this or watching this, she has notes. We brought new stories for you tonight. - I'm gonna stand up again. - They're like, thank God. We've been hearing you whores say the same shit for 12 years. Please get a parking ticket or something. - Not only that, but I anticipated, I brought a powder puff, a little Fenty Beauty miroir, a teaser, an original song,

and a list of people I'd like to kill after the show. No. Hey, hey, hey, this is mine. You better chill. You better lay low. I was walking around today. Whenever I'm here, I like to go for a little jog because there's so much to see. You sure do. There's so much to see. You love to see the sights. Well, I also had no choice because my hotel wouldn't check me until 4.30. Oh, my God. Okay, rich person problems, tell it again. Yes, it is the hotel, and I think after the show... No, no, don't say it. Somebody might wander in there and fuck me later.

Is this thing fucking on? Wandering, like, people with maybe dementia or something. I don't discriminate. If they have dementia, they're not going to remember how wonderful a time it was. Well, I went for... Or was that Alzheimer's? Doesn't matter. I went for a little run, and I had the nerve whenever I run through the French Quarter. Which, I understand for you guys, it's your Hollywood Boulevard. You avoid it. I get all that. But I'm a tourist, so I'm like, oh, my God. It's like I'm in Covent. Like, I really get into it.

But it's quite... Listen, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is one of the very few, in fact, two truly unique cities in this country. Of course. No, no, seriously. I'm not joking, bitch. This one, there is no other city like this in the country and I would say, dare say, in the world. The world. Really. Mama, because...

Nevada, Las Vegas is of course very unique, but you know, ugh. - It's almost like the rest of the world saw what you guys did here and said, "No." - Yeah. - No. - Y'all can keep that shit. - Y'all can keep that. You can keep that fake French shit, bitch. - James, James, James. - What was that? - What was that? Is it the gay bar The Golden Lamp, I believe? The Golden Lamp, yes.

I was like, oh, I wish I could go in. It's the middle of the day. I forgot where I was. People drunk in there. Don't worry. Honey, you're not listening to Sheryl Crow Tuesday at 2 p.m.? Drunk. Drunk. Yeah. Drunk. But I was running, and I was running, and it always smells like pee over there in the French. Probably because, right? Do you guys smell pee over there?

And I had the nerve. You know where I live. I do? I had the nerve to go, oh, it smells like pee here. Honey. Forgetting that I live on Hollywood Boulevard. You live in a moat of piss. I live in a moat of piss and shit from lovely unhoused individuals. A hurricane of butt pee. Just shitting and pissing with dignity and aplomb all around your fucking house. I know. It's really the gall of you. I almost stopped at a psychic. But then I thought...

A better use of my time would be for me to kick this bitch out and sit at this table and give some readings of my own. Thank you. Today's episode is brought to you by Angie. Angie has made it easier than ever to connect with skilled professionals to get all your jobs and projects done well. Let me tell you, there's the version of it where you try to do something at home and then there's a version of it where you have someone help you, you watch them do it the right way and you go, thank God I didn't try to do that myself.

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So let's wait. So for the people who are not up to speed, thank you so much. I know I have lost 12 pounds. No, for the people who are not up to speed, can you please just elaborate a little bit on what exactly is your psychic ability and how do they transpire? Because you're a pragmatist. There are some naysayers that say, Trixie, that's memory. But...

Or that's looking. Yeah. Oh, Trixie, that's paying attention. Yeah. Exactly. Like, I'm like, I'm so psychic. I remembered my high school locker. They're like, that's memory. But the other day, just two days ago, I went to a lovely dinner in Bel Air. Bel Air. And I was invited. And our friend Evan said, hey, do you want to come? I'm going to seat you next to Sarah Michelle Gellar. And I said, yes, I do, bitch. Unironically, I was like, slay. Right? So...

I go there and then halfway through the day he calls and goes, hey, Shannon Doherty's coming and she's close friends with Sarah so I'm gonna put you across from them but she wants this and I said, that's fine. I hung up the phone and I thought, she ain't coming. I thought, I just knew. I said, Shannon Doherty is gonna cancel last minute. I know it. I know it. I know it. I get there, Evan goes, yeah, Shannon canceled and I went, I knew it. Yeah.

Now, and this is interesting because she has not, I'm seven years older than her. She did not grow up in the 90s watching Beverly Hills 90210. No. So you don't, you're unfamiliar, maybe charmed, maybe charmed. But I do date David Silver 90210. 90210, that's a little bit of a connection, but maybe, but not so much. But I've never seen it. Shannon Doherty, I mean, I grew up watching. Anybody else watch Beverly Hills 90210? No.

So you know, you know there was an iconic moment where Kelly had to choose. She had Sophie's choice. Brandon or Dylan. Now this is the archetypes, archetypes, right? The good, safe, handsome bet or the hot, wild, unpredictable thing. It's like James Dean or...

Oh, you know what it is? It's the notebook. Remember? Because there's nothing wrong with James Marsden in that. It's like, why wouldn't you marry him? But then Ryan Gosling is like, come on. Does Ryan Gosling have a heroin problem? No, he's like more free like the wind. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a bad boy. Yeah, and James Marsden's like, I love you. I'm going to provide for you. And she's like, boo. Yes, I have a down payment ready for our mortgage, which I will cover myself. Right. And we're supposed to feel bad for her in that movie? No, but in a plot twist, you know what she does? Kelly chooses herself. Whoa. Whoa.

Which brings me to my first topic of the evening. Honey, the curse of La La Rona. Yeah, okay. I'm not going to say anything. I just want to say that I never wanted to be a part of this.

And last night I was roped into something that I don't totally believe, but I'm interested in the yarn. So let's hear it. The yarn extends. It's now a crocheted blanket. Okay. Let's hear it. The psychic energy carried over into the physical realm today. And it was completed in a circle. It was like the AIDS quilt, except nobody died. And I was on, oh, that was a little dark. I know. Sorry.

Anybody remember AIDS? No, just kidding. No. The 60-year-old woman's like, I do, bitch. See? I do, you fucking whore. Gen Z's like, what's a condom? Like, it's fine. Well, seriously. Seriously. Anyways, okay. Let me, let me, let me, let me. So, you know, we all talk about self-care, self-care, self-care, self-love, self-love. But I put on, well, so I took a bath once.

I took a bath. Yes. I took a bath. Oh, sorry. I took an Ativan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I took bath salts. Well, we were in Houston yesterday and our hotel had tubs that were like swimming pools. Okay, so, okay. In Houston, in a... Shh. No, no, no. Listen, listen, listen. Listen. I need your listening comprehension. In Houston, late at night, I...

with my history, I'm not saying what's going on now, but was in a bathtub, a large one, and it, let's just say, it was very drownable, okay? I found myself dozing off in this huge fucking lobster pot that was actually quite, I'm gonna say it's built for three people, okay? - Huge, huge. - And the ergonomics of it, you go, "Oh, this is nice," and then whoop. - Totally. - Mama, before you know it, you're slip sliding away into the great beyond, okay? In Houston.

I was like, you can have a four-way in there. Mama, mama. Or two bears could hook up comfortably. You know what happened? I said, I said, I said, oh, oh, I said, oh, no, no, no, no, no. This life is mine. You better chill. I crept out of the tub gingerly like Catherine Zeta-Jones in Entrapment. Lasers. I put down a towel. No slipping. Towel, towel. I looked at that tub. She talked back at me, bitch.

La La Rona said, "Come back in." Now, that's what it sounded like. Because if you know, when you start to drain a tub, it sounds like Mama, La La Rona was up in that drain, communicating to me, "Get back in, girl. We have unfinished business." I said, "Not in Houston." I shut the door. I went into the bed. I laid down.

I heard it talking again. She was screaming for the other room. That's when I called you. And then I learned the reality of the situation, which was that there was a plumber upstairs doing some work. No, no, no. I was in the room above her and I had to switch rooms because the heat was broken. It was 64 in my room and I'm bald. That's cold. Okay. That's cold to sleep. All right. Wait,

- Who was the name of the woman who helped you switch rooms, I wonder, if you could let the audience know. - Oh, y'all need to get into this. And I support, listen, I support everyone. I love queer people. I think people should be alive. I think they should have vibrant lives. I think that people should live their truths. - Absolutely. - As long as it's okay with me, and this wasn't okay.

And I hope she doesn't hear this. And please, if you know her, don't tag her. You guys love to tag people when we talk about that. I mean, this is getting recorded and we know it, but please, some discretion would be appreciated. I hate her. You guys on Twitter are like at so-and-so. No, or sorry. This woman helps me switch. And she goes, oh, thank you. She was like, thank you so much. She's like, if you need anything else, let me know. Call the front desk. My name is mystical. And she was white. And she was white.

Which means, you know, that was not a birth name. That bitch picked that goddamn name. Yeah. Mystical? Yeah, so she burst my mystical bubble with that tea. However...

Let me tell you about something. When we talk about self-love, we talk about self-care. Mama, I took it to the next fucking level today. I was in that bathtub, and I'm so sorry. If anybody within about a 30-mile radius experienced a shortage of hot or cold water, that was me. Because you better believe I was in that tub for at least a good four and a half hours. Oh, yeah. I was going hot. I was going cold. Because this motherfucking tub filled up in a jiffy. She drained in a second, and I was going... Are you talking about today's tub?

What's that? Today's tub? Today's tub was turntina, honey. Mary, but I... Turntinta. But I like... It was Cristinta Aguilerta in Dirty. Yes. Clean. It was tub thumping, bitch. Thank you. So I turned on the water, though, and I was like, I guess I'll go answer an email. I think I left for 13 seconds, and I came back, and the water was almost over fucking flowing. At the river run. Yeah, it was crazy. Crazy. And I said, you know what? You didn't let me check until 4.30. You're lucky I don't flood this shit, bitch. Hello? Well, speaking of flooding shit...

I want to paint a picture for you right now because honey, this is too much. This dress? No, no, no. Oh, this story. I actually got to loosen up my buttons for this one. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. When the bell comes off, it looks worse.

Okay, so imagine me. This is a cloth foot tub in an old hotel, but I am so very sexy and I'm getting wet, honey. The scene has never been hotter, wetter, sandier, saltier, more sensual, provocative, incredible. And so it was a, what's the word? A gumbo?

It was a lobster pot. It was a lobster pot. It was a lobster pot. And she was boiling. She was red. She was giving Irish fucking corned beef hash. My feet are the color of your lips when I get out of a tub. That's how hot the water is. I know. So I started thinking about this act

in Zumanity from Cirque du Soleil, back in the day, my brother and I went to Vegas. There was a water bowl, a clear bowl, and two Russian lesbos, naked, contortionists, were jumping, diving into the bowl through each other's legs, scissoring, sliding, slithering. And I thought to myself, "Maybe I'm not that gay. Maybe I'm not that gay. Maybe I'm not that gay because I either want to be one of them or I want to get in on that action."

I digress. So I'm in the tub. I look out the window. There's a lovely thatchwork of barbed wire and a clear sign that says, this window does not open. And I thought to myself, well, that doesn't sound like much like a window, does it? Next train of thought, I'm going to stick a finger up my ass. I stick a finger up my ass. And I thought, I was like, I was like, I was like, oh my God. I was like, wait a minute, hold up.

Holy shit, wait, hold on a second. How old am I? I'm like, wait, how old, wait, I was transported back, way back to the first time I was anally penetrated. Even a little bit before that. I was like a second puberty, not puberty, but a second sexual renaissance was taking place in this bathtub. One finger up my ass. I look a little bit beyond the window. Honey, these blinds are wide open.

And there are people from the opposite building looking straight inside the fucking room. Love. I got one leg extended. Let me see how I did. American Horror Story Hotel. I got one finger plugged up the ass, and she is tight, honey. Tight. And I was like, oh. I was like, I looked at them. I start to laugh.

And I thought to myself, I couldn't help but wonder, is this the moment where, while in perfect, crystal clear view of a whole bunch of strangers in New Orleans, I blow ass into the bathtub from laughing so hard? I will spare you the gory details and just say that I had, I'm a very clean, hygienic person. I pulled that finger out, clean as a whistle. But...

But honey, that's just the amuse-bouche, because that's where the dinner is starting. So I put the other leg down there. I crank the cold water, turn the hot water off, crank the cold water. It took a little vapor, my little light psychedelic thingy. And then I start undulating. The cold water is penetrating my crotch. My hot, good hot pussy is getting...

waves of cold water, and I thought to myself, they've been lying to us this whole time. It's not about warming up, it's cooling down. You cool it down, you get it circulating, and before I know it, I'm on the verge of a hands-free orgasm in my own fucking tub at 4:44 p.m. And I'm going like this, I'm going like this, I'm going like this,

And then I start, I see myself from like, you know, I kind of get an outside perspective. And I start laughing so hard that I fart so loud. And I did, for a split second, thought I shit the tub. But again, I'm a woman of integrity. Why are you filming this? Why the fuck are you filming this? Yeah, yeah. I just...

I just want to make sure you're getting that good 4K footage of this good hot pussy. Long story short, mama, I rediscovered myself as a woman, as a person, of a woman of integrity, intelligence, and energy. And it was almost like-- You chose yourself. I chose myself, exactly. I chose myself. And it became not about self-care, self-love. It was self-worship. Do you worship the dog? Mama, if you can't worship yourself, how the hell are you going to worship someone else?

You have the nerve to roll around here in that brown leather and call someone else La La Rona. Ooh. My legs are so itchy. Ooh. These are deep chairs. Sorry. So, okay, wait, wait, wait. So I'm just, the point I'm trying to make is that, like Kelly in 90210, the choice is not a choice. It's an illusion. There is Brandon. There is Dylan. But at the end of the day...

When all is said and done, it's just you, mama. - It's you. - We all die alone.

We all die alone. And like you mentioned the other day, if we are measuring the success of relationships by the fact that you and someone else grow old together until one of them dies, then that's how you win? Yes, I was, yes, Dan Savage was like, do you realize that with marriage, it's not called successful until one of you dies. And if one of you leaves early, it's a failure. A failure. Which is fucking crazy. Crazy. If one of you taps out and says, hey, listen, the

The good times are good, the bad times are bad. Let's call it quits and move on. That's a failure, not in my book. Not in my book. Not in my tub. Not in my book.

I know there's a lot of boozy divorced women here tonight who are like, "Speak on it, girl." Remember, it's the beginning, not an ending, right, Jane? - Yes. - Yes, yes, yes. Yes. He was never good for you anyway, whoever he was. Okay, but so, and I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm just so talkative tonight, I just can't wait. I have been successful in my completion of 30 days of absolutely not one lick of digital porno on my eyeballs. Look at that.

And all of you can too if you give us $2,000 today to get started. And yes, honey, unfortunately for me, it's great. Not great news for porn people out there who I have bankrupted by my abstinence from porn. That's the thing. They all started to depend on your income and now they're getting kicked out of their homes because they're like, well, I basically lost my job, you know.

But I'm telling you that, and not to get all woo-woo or Gwyneth Paltrow or whatever, but it is a very real thing. We are very overstimulated. I'm not going to lecture anybody about blah, blah, blah, blah, but for me, I can say we are very overstimulated people, okay? Think about this. Think about this. Think about this, Tina. Think about this. Electricity is what? 30 years old? We have...

For eons, okay, for eons, we have been barefoot in the grass, sleeping, biphasic sleeping twice because, mama, electricity is what, 25 years old? We're not used to that. Right. It's too new. So it's too new. We are not, all of this overstimulated media is a new and assaulting, aggressive, like, unassaulted,

We can't deal with that. It's too new. I remember, like, in Puritan times, they had iPhones, but you had to hook it up to a water wheel, bitch. They had corded telephones. Yes. The Stonehenge people. Oh, hello. Is Goody Proctor there? You know what I mean? That's all they had. You had Mary. The microphones dying. They're silencing women in New Orleans. They're silencing women.

Hello, oh, I guess New Orleans can't take the truth. Yes, can't take the truth. But anyways, no, it's going really well and I am I don't want to put him on blast but I really just want to I want to say that I Ex because he's um, I'll just say this. He was born and bred here a true New Orleans native I hired the services of an extremely wonderful sensual massage artist

And sweetie, mama, after my four and a half hours in the tub, actually it was before that, that motherfucker got me together so hot and tight and right, and halfway through I discovered he was straight. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I so, I mean, I miss vanilla cupcakes with my ice cream and my little vanilla swirl or vanilla cone, that's my preference. I was like, do you think you could, I don't know, I don't know, I was like, I don't know, could you think you could like kiss me or whatever? And he was like,

I was like, "Oh, you're straight." And I was-- and immediately the mood changed dramatically, and I was like, "Okay, okay, okay." Is this him? Oh. Hi. Bob? Sweetie, when he straddled me, I felt the presence of something so large.

So undeniable in its length, girth, heft, weight, and just presence. It was like the elephant in the room. Oh, yes. If you catch my drift, and I said, baby, I'm not that gay. Baby, I'm not that gay.

That exit on the highway is closed off today, right? Oh, you were on your tummy. I was on my tummy, and I don't do bus stuff like that. I'm not that gay. Really? Because you're in the hot tub shoving ice cubes up your ass or whatever the hell you were doing today. Well, I contain multitudes, okay? Yeah. But I wasn't going to take mama. It was three of these together. Oh, wow. La, la, la, la, la, Rona. Yeah.

But he was straight, and immediately the energy shifted. I mean, it shifted like a cold gust of wind. You know, like when Sub-Zero in Mortal Kombat comes through town? Oh, yeah. It's like...

Or like, you know, when RuPaul gets into the workroom and the temperature goes down about 400 degrees. Oh, yes. And you know that bitch is coming. It was like that. The first day of All Stars, it was, the air was out and RuPaul walked in and felt the air and said, no. Uh-huh.

And we were all in drag and we were like, thank you. When we said it, they were like, you're going to deal with it, bitch. RuPaul was like, no. And finally they're like, let's get an ice bucket right away. Sweetie, even better, when after you had left, I had one more episode, I think. And she, there was a, during the Hello Kitty challenge when I was eliminated, we were all wearing these horrible hot outfits. Mama, the AC broke. We, Ru didn't even show up. Love. Love.

We were, a PA came in and was like, "Yeah, as you can feel, the AC is broken, so RuPaul is decided to cut the rest of the day." And I was like, that's when I knew that no matter how much fracking that bitch does, I don't care.

She could gun down my whole extended family. When it comes to drag, I will be gladly perched in her shadow. Girl, 100%. If I have air conditioning problems in my house, I'm like, Rue, can you get down here and get your... Can you get your Keebler elves and whatever you have? It's literally like coming to America, they will not walk unless the petals of roses are thrown before them. She's like... It's so inspiring. When I was doing Hello, Hello, it was...

The air was out and it was 98 in the studio. This is a Saw franchise that I'm unwilling to watch. Girl, it was... Torture. The video, we had these high neck black sequins. You know it's a sequin with the velvet inside? Yes, I do. And it's 98 in there in Los Angeles summer. Of course, I'm an independent artist, so I don't want to waste the money of sending everyone home because I'm like, fuck, it's already... It was like $30,000 just to be there for one day. Okay, rich.

And that's like a gut bucket cheat video. It's true. It's true. It's true. Shakira, Shakira. We're there and it's so hot and I'm not complaining because I'm also like, well, we're here. What else? If I start complaining, it's just going to kill the vibe. Yeah. And everyone is walking around me like, hey, Trixie. They know. Do you know what I mean? They're like, how are you? And my head is like.

Yeah, you're like Reagan, you're like, do you know what they did? Your cunting daughter? Yes. So then they have the nerve, the audacity, and the unmitigated gall to go down to Home Depot and get two window units and plug them in and sit them- Bro, window units? Mary, two window units, and they walk down, and two faggots set them on the floor.

And you know what window units do? They drip water. So then we have electrical wires with puddles and I'm like, hello, hello. Like, oh, electrocution. Also, and the dancers, God love them. God, I love dancers. Listen, I aspire to be one in the next lifetime. But the dancers always like, the dancers will come back at us and be like, well, you know, actually for dancing. Oh. It helps to keep the body warm. And I'm like, no, does it? They come, oh, they go back there. Oh, does it help? It actually makes it help to stay warm. Yeah.

It actually is, it's not good for your joints. I'm like, oh, it is that. Oh, yeah. Well, prepare to have your Achilles snapped, cunt, because we're cranking it down to 40 degrees. Yeah. Well, you're lucky we're not break dancing in Antarctica, bitch. You know what I mean? Like, oh, my God. Literally Mambo, like we're doing Mambo Italiano in an ice plunge. No kidding. The nerve to say like, well, you're actually more prone to injury if it's cold. And I said, well, it looks like you're going to blow out both your knees today, huh, baby? Aw. Aw.

Can I tell you, I have a Heat-related story. Two weeks ago was Palm Springs Pride, and I got to go because I was invited to be the Grand Marshal of the parade.

Now this is, I mean, let's not, let's not, I mean, let's not understand. This is a huge deal. It's a big deal for me, but it's also a big deal for me. Yeah. I mean, you gotta understand this is, this is big for Trixie, but for Trixie, this moment was huge. Yes. Like, it was really cool. And I was, and I was like, of course, you know, and for a drag queen, you either have to pay me in money or flattery. So it's like, you're the grand marshal. I was like, I'll be there. Oh God. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. They didn't pay you? No, bitch. No.

I know. Well, you are. Well, I've never. Well, then I was the Grand Marshal in the Provincetown parade once and I didn't get paid either. You just did it for the glory. I did it for the glory. I did it for the gram. Me and my daughters will do anything for the gram. No, David Silver was like, it's good for business. And if you don't do it, I'll fucking kill you. Okay, there you go.

So I get out there and I'm like, great. And they're like, it's customary for us to have like our grand marshals come to a brunch. And I go, doesn't that sound nice? I'm gay. I like brunch. Love brunch. Right. I like dicks in my ass, but I like brunch more. You know what I mean? So I go, what time is it? What time is the brunch? And they go, 8 a.m. 8 a.m. PST. And the parade is directly after. So you'll have to be there in drag.

Thank you. The Grand Marshal? Mama, the Grand... They might get the Grand Marshal Mathers because I might come out a drag bitch. Okay, so...

I get, it's 8 a.m. and I go, if that's what time brunch is, breakfast is at 4 a.m., what are we doing here, bitch? Then again, it's a city of old men. Also, and it's, listen, I mean, let's be real. 8 a.m. is a tweaker brunch. Girl, girl, girl. They've been up all night twirling a phuket. Twirling a phuket and the crystals. Yes. They're scrambling, they're scrounging, and they're gooning all the way to brunch at 8 a.m., girl. 100%. They're rat-a-tat-tat-tat-tat on the window. Ooh, hunger. Totally. Totally.

And I didn't tell you this, I had to DJ the night before. We had solid pink disco the night before. But what is wrong with you? And then I go, you know what, we have to go to bed and David is still somewhere. So I go to find David and I think he's probably drunk in the VIP booth feeling his fantasy. David Silver, he's not going to turn down a drink, okay? I find him outside the casino where I was working. I find him outside with Anna Camp, you know, from like Pitch Perfect and True Blood and stuff. Oh, he dropped another name. He's out there with her and they are smoking a cigarette. What?

Which, you know, Trixie Mattel. I'm like, David, I was like a mother. I was like, who taught you this? I don't even know you anymore. I'm the grand marshal of this town, you bitch. No kidding. He could rim my ass and I'm like, that's fine. And then I'm like, a cigarette? You're gross. You know, like...

So they're out there and they're screaming. They're playing this game called Actress or Star, where someone says a TV actress's name and you decide if she's an actress. So it's like Julia Roberts and you're like, star, star. And then you're like, oh, Meryl Streep, actress. They're out there screaming this game. And I go, it's time to go to bed. Anyway, other story. No, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You stop right there, Miss Lady.

We're gonna pause for just one and a half minutes because I wanna engage you in a very lightning game. No, I'm not gonna say what the rules are. It's either/or, okay? You ready? Yes. Julia Roberts, Sandy Bullock. Julia Roberts or Sandy Bullock? Sandy Bullock. Sandy Bullock, shh! I'm sorry! I'm a lesbian, okay? Okay. Sandy Bullock or Cate Blanchett? Sandy, I'm sorry! Sandy Bullock or Margot Robbie? Oh shit.

I might have to go Margot Robbie. Okay. Yeah. Not for Barbie, for I, Tonya. I love that shit. Margot Robbie or Toni Collette? Oh, shit. This is so horrible. We got to say Toni. We got to say Toni. I'm sorry. Right? Yeah. Toni Collette or Nicole Kidman? Oh, Toni. Okay. Toni Collette or Frances McDormand? Toni. Toni Collette or Toni, Toni, Toni? It's Toni. Give it up for Toni Collette, everybody. Toni Collette. That's the end of the game. So...

That was good. That was good. That was good. I got to be in drag by 8 a.m. We get there. I don't know what the address is, right? I'm in drag. It's 8 a.m. I'm like, oh, my God. Being in drag that early. So when did you wake up? Like 6, 536. Right. And I'm getting ready and David's sleeping like, can you keep it down? Right. So I'm getting ready and we get there. The address, I didn't know. It's at a hospital.

So I get there at 8 a.m. in drag at a hospital. You smell like hospital, bitch. Oh, smell like hospital. And David's taking pictures of me laughing in front of the hospital. I'm like, stop. Don't we have a picture? Can we put up? No, I didn't get to that part yet. I didn't get to that part yet. I...

I completely, I ruined the joke. I ruined the joke. So then I'm at the hospital and there's a brunch. And by the way, I didn't plan on eating in drag because I don't like to eat in drag, right? This is all squish. I can't fucking move my eyes, right? But I get there and this breakfast does smell so fucking good that I'm like, I got to have some of this food. So I'm having some of the food and I'm in drag and I'm trying to take pictures with people, but also like discreetly eat, even though I'm seven feet tall and bright pink, right? I'm just like, hello? I look like one of those dolls that eats the fake peas and then poops, you know what I mean?

And I'm eating the food and they have me next to, my table's next to a sign for the Center for Weight Management. So I'm sitting there eating my breakfast. Grand marshal. Yeah, and everybody in drag, you always feel gorgeous when you're eating eggs, right? And toast. And one of the people, the volunteers comes up and I'm eating and he comes up and he gets really close to me and he goes, it's good, huh? Yeah.

As if I was making such a fucking scene, I was Wilbur rolling in the slop. You know what I mean? And I go, yeah, it's good. And then he puts his hand on my lower back and he goes, eat up. Ah!

Which, by the way, I will. But in drag, the last thing you want to hear is eat up. Like it's a hot dog eating contest. It was so fucking crazy. I will never forget this moment because I remember exactly where I was when Princess Diana died, when 9-11 happened, and when Trixie sent me this photo. I was on Melrose Avenue in Los Angeles on a first date, a morning first date. I received the picture and this is exactly what happened.

And laughed so hard, I almost literally puked out brunch. I could not, this person miraculously agreed to go out with me because I crumbled, bowled over, laughing so hard. It was a moment of pure, unexpected happiness.

unanticipated joy that I have never, like hitherto never experienced in my life. It was truly a magic moment. - The Molly hit. - The Molly hit. - The Molly hit. - Was this the-- - And it hit hard. - Was this the guy-- - Molly, you in danger, girl. - Was this the guy from the store? - Yes, the guy that-- - Tell him about that. - Oh my God, let me stand up again, Jesus Christ. - Aren't you guys happy we have new information for once? Oh my God. Oh, I'm just busting out of this dress, this pleather dress. So, like I said, I've been not looking at porn, which also meant

I had to delete all the apps, you know, Grindr, Sniffies, Christian Mingle, Judate, or whatever the hell. Which means if one of you wants to fuck her tonight, you're just going to have to be, you know, I don't know. Mama, we're going to have to do Wagon Wheel Watusi. Girl, smoke signals. You're going to have to drive your tractor up to my little Bay of Hail, use a corded microphone to rat-tat-tat at my window and say, Yes.

Howdy, ma'am. Care to do it the old-fashioned way? And you're going to have to stick some saran wrap on your dick and fuck me. No, they're going to have to throw little rocks at your hotel window, and when you open it, they have a boom box, and it's like, all you ladies pop y'all pussy like this.

Fucking Me by Kaya is going to play. And I know every motherfucking word of that song, honey. They're going to have to do cruising. Cruising. Well, here's what happened. Cruising. So my studio is right by this furniture store in West Hollywood. A lot of gay people, a lot of gay foot traffic. Perfect place to cruise. And I am, of course, a semi-known figure in the gay world. So I do the beat. I say, hi. You know, hi.

And I go in this furniture store. People are always like, I saw Katya walking. I'm like, yeah, she does a lot of walking. I'm on the beat, girl. I'm on the beat. I got my steps in. You know, I'm like... She's looking for dog shit. She's got a few extra plastic bags. I got my plastic bags out, girl. I'm on the beat. I'm on the stroll. So I go into this store.

And I had just had my fucking ass waxed, by the way, which is a whole humiliating thing in itself because I walked into that place unprepared and she sure did say, please take off everything from the waist down, get on the table, pull your knees up into your chest like a cannonball. And Miss Thing, whose name I don't quite recall because it happened so quickly, proceeded to wax every fucking hair off my unnaturally, really horribly hairy ass. It was traumatizing. You have a really hairy butt. I did. Oof.

I don't even know if there's any skin left on it now though, girl. Anyways, I was feeling traumatized, but she pulls the wax and there's just large intestines stuck to it. You're like, okay. Well, so I, maybe it's like a poor strip and like a turd comes out. I'm so sorry.

Please, Don. Oh, that's where we draw the line, New Orleans. That's where we draw the line. Okay, perfect. So I'm freshly traumatized but extraordinarily smooth, right? Title of my first novel. And then I go into this furniture store because they've got three minutes left on the clock. They're about to close. And I say, let me just wiggle in here and see what this guy's up to. I go up and I go, I thought I did it.

I got my ass waxed. And he was like, how was it? Wait, wait, wait. Why did you tell him this? No, because I had been in there previously. And you mentioned that it was going to happen. I was about to go to get my ass waxed. Okay. I told the whole staff. I just think of someone trying to restock a shelf and you're like, I did it. And he's like, what did you do? No.

It kind of was that. It kind of was that. And it wasn't really to him in particular. There were like four other gay people there, so I was just kind of throwing it out there. If anybody wanted a nibble, I was going to like, okay, well. Which, by the way, our neighborhood, not even the weirdest person they're going to see all day. No, I'm giving, I'm Nancy Normal up in there, honey girls. Seriously. Stepford Wives. Stepford Wives. So he's like, you know, we have a little chit-chat. They're about to close. I buy something really impulsively and quick. I have a little shopping bag. He walks me out and I say,

I don't know what the vibe is. I feel a little embarrassed, but I just have to say, I think you're so attractive. And if you have any interest, I'd love to take you out on a date sometime. And if not, no worries. I'm going to just leave right now. He said, oh, no, no, no, wait. He grabs my arm. He's like, I think you're really attractive too. And that's when miracles happen if you believe. So we didn't have a lot of time, so I hand him my phone. And thank God for that shopping bag because...

I started to grow the biggest fucking boner in the, I mean, I had to shield, the interaction was so analog, so beta, so like back in the day buffet that I was not, and of course with the no porn, I was so in real time, in real life stimulated that I could not handle how, I almost came in my fucking pants because I was like, this is how they did it. This is how they did it in Stonehenge. This is how they did it in Stonehenge.

This is how our forefathers intended us to mate or fuck or whatever. - Goody Proctor. You were Goody Proctor, yes. - Back in Salem, back in pilgrim times. Long story short, we went on a date and that's when I saw that picture and then the rest is history. - Did y'all, did y'all? - We did a lot of lovely romantic kissing. You know, it's moving at an interesting pace.

I would, what they call, I am what they would call fast and loose. Is he going to hear this? I don't know. I haven't named him, so whatever. Okay, whatever. If you listen, honey, at this point, if you fuck me, you know you're going on the podcast. No kidding. Poor David, like going on tour, David would be like, can you not talk about, David would be like, so can you just not talk about like our sex life? My anal prolapse. Yeah, can I talk about our sex life since my mom is here? And I'm like, David, does she think we're gay because we share clothes? Does she think we're roommates? Yeah, she knows we do stuff. Yeah.

Anyway. Because she films it. Oh, my God. Oh, no, that's too far. Okay, incest and shit we can't talk about. We can't talk about shit or incest. I'm going to bed. No, this is the South. Incest is fine. Yep. Brothers by chance, lovers by choice.

Now, you know, you told me that in Salem, they're like, they're like rah-rah witchy stuff, right? They embrace it. Of course, I mean, it's like, yeah. Are you guys into that shit here? Or are you like, ugh? You are. You want to talk about witchy stuff, you want to talk about voodoo, all this kind of incredible stuff. Crystal people? Crystal people? Well, besides those crystal people, do we have crystal people?

Just say witchy. Witchy people. Okay. Love that. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. I just have a filthy mouth. Two weeks ago, I was at the Orville Peck Rodeo. Yes, you were. Yes, yes. She wears all these names on the floor. And I was going to tell some jokes. I said, Orville, do you mind if I tell some jokes about you? And he was like, well, my parents are here. My little niece is here. And I said, well, they're about to learn a few things, aren't they?

I didn't say anything too bad. I did say that he, because of his mask, he's a walking, singing glory hole. And then I said that every time he sucks my dick, it's like going to the car wash because of the fringe. At the car wash.

You might not ever get rich. - Yeah. - And that made, great song. - Mama, you know, fun fact, and I have a question for you, Miss Thing. If you had to choose one song that you could only listen to this song for the rest of your life, one song for the rest of your life, what would it be? 'Cause mine would be the five minute version of "Car Wash" by Rose Royce from the motion picture. - That's a good choice. - Because you know why? It has a boom, boom, it has a very slow buildup. It wakes you up in the morning.

It gets going, it has a dip, it's got a second wind, it's a whole journey. It's an epic. It's an epic. It's a Homer's Odyssey. What would yours be? I have to say, I think, kind of disco too, Heart of Glass by Blondie. That's a good one. Because it's kind of new wave, kind of disco. Yeah. I'm just getting warmed up for my original song, which yes, I am going to perform. Oh, yes. I don't care.

I don't care if it sounds horrible. I've got you. Like they say, alcoholics don't have relationships. They take hostages. And guess what's happening tonight?

I've got a captive audience of paid people, and you better believe I'm going to assault your ear holes just in a few moments. Listen, these are fans of drag. They are used to singing in their face whether they like it or not, bitch. And honey, mama, find the note. Find the note. The note will not be found tonight. Or don't. Or don't. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Enthusiasm matters. We'll find the mood, though. So is anybody familiar with the song Crying by Roy Orbison?

If you're familiar with the movie Mulholland Drive by David Lynch, there is a Spanish acapella version by Rebecca del Rio called Llorando, which is just a Spanish version of that. So beautiful. But because we talk so much at length and in such crude detail about gooning and baiting, I thought it would be fun to change the lyrics of crying to gooning.

And I'm a big Roy Orbison fan. He has one of the very few male voices that I actually can tolerate in music. Yours not being one of them. I don't take it personal. She hates most singing. No, no, no. And also, speaking of Orville, I went over to his house the other night. I know he does music. I never listened to it. And he didn't believe me. And I heard a thing. I was like, oh, wow, you have a really nice voice. He's like, wait, you've never heard my music? And I was like, no. It's like...

He's like, I've watched everything you've ever done. I was like, and? And what? And what? I don't sing, bitch. Also, his music is very specific. Not everyone likes yeehaw, but not everyone likes yeehaw shit. Yeah, yeah. Also, it is gorgeous. It's lovely, but girl. Also, you're like, do you think I'm at your house because you sing good? I ain't that gay. Yeah. No, I ain't that gay. Anyway. You're like, maybe I'm just your friend because I like you, bitch. Hello. Thank you. Thank you, Miss Penis. He's not your friend because you're pretty. Hello. I didn't mean it like that. I didn't mean it like...

No, he's my friend because I am the essence of passion, tropical beauty, and I'm so gorgeous. But so, wait, wait, wait. So I did, I, listen, I did compose these lyrics, and I did, I didn't warm up. So hold on. Very boring. Is there a, can we get the karaoke track, or is that...

I think that would have been a question we would have wanted to ask. I asked it before. Just a couple hours ago. Listen, I'm prepared to do an acapella, but I did inquire. You do have the track? Tracy has the track. Okay, so. Okay, fierce. So it starts right away. I can't wait to see how this turns out. Please hold your applause because I, you know, I'm a new singer. I'm breaking into the scene. I'm a little nervous. And I'm.

And like I said, these lyrics were just written moments ago. So please pay attention and catch the double entendres in the essence of Passion Tropical Beauty. Why don't you go ahead and hit it? Excuse me, what the fuck was that? She's like, sorry, I was just watching Fast and the Furious on my iPhone. Sorry, I don't have YouTube Premium. That was an ad. It's like when you have the trade over. It's like, are you tired of Spotify ads? Yeah.

I think I'll just, should I just do an acapella? Yeah. Yeah, okay, here we go. Listen, we want, I want crystal clarity. We are recording. Give this woman the dignity. And you know what? Okay. Please, and also we can pipe in the music in post, okay? And that always works. Shut the fuck up. Okay. I was all right for a while. I could smile for, shut the fuck up. Just kidding.

I could smile for a while. Then I saw you last night on a brand new porn site behind a paywalled video. Oh, I wanted to see but couldn't pay the fee to bait and goo.

Over you. Gooning over you. So I can bait so long. You left me gooning. All alone. Alone and baiting. Gooning. Baiting. Gooning is hard to come.

The funds I'd need to spend to start me gooning. I thought to see was always free. But your vids and your nudes would cost me even more than I could afford. So darling, please make it free.

So this lonely man can watch your only fans. Gooning over you. Gooning over you. Goon, I bait and goon. I'll be gooning. Gooning. Swooning. Oh, I'll be cruising.

Elvis who?

I did. Thank you, Bob. Thank you, DJ Bob, for the music coming in. I did find the beat. I loved the line, but I do think as my debut, that was not so shabby. No! That was fun! I loved that. Gosh. Yeah, and I actually had an alternate line. I would lie, cheat, and bribe for the chance to subscribe.

to that OnlyFans. You know, because it do cost money to Google these days, honey. You do want to support the dolls, but you don't want to support the dolls so fiercely that your OnlyFans puts you in the poorhouse. Thank you. It's a delicate balance. Mama, and take it from one who knows, okay, honey? And that's why I use Truebill. I am the sole investor and bread winner provider for several young and old men in Brazil. I'm going to leave it at that. I'm going to leave it at that, honey, because...

Did you see the Santos OnlyFans shit? What? They found out she was using some of her government monies to fund OnlyFans, bitch. Isn't that sickening? Mama, tale as old as time. I know. Tale as old as time. By the way, I'm like, you think that's the only politician not doing weird secret shit with money? Sweetie, I'd like to point you to Miss Bill Clinton.

We can go up to Miss Tricky Dick. I did not have sex with that woman. No, honey. You stuck a cigar up her pussy. All right, enough of politics. Listen, this is a very special thing that we do this live. And I have to say, the fact that you guys come here, you must really listen to us and we really appreciate it. No, we really do. We really do.

Listen, in these trying times, in these turbulent times when life is short and the minutes are just slipping away, and as the great, late, great... No, no, she's still alive. Kim Cattrall would say, I personally do not want to spend...

even 30 minutes of my life doing something I don't want to do. And I suggest if you have the opportunity to apply that rule to your life, please go ahead and do it because let me tell you, it's great. But it's a luxury many of us can not afford, but you did try, you afforded or you spent the money to be here and that's really special. It's really, really special. And some of you whores, did you guys see Trixie and Katya live last year too? Did you? Oh my God. They're so obsessed with us. They're going to go home and be like, so...

Kelly's the reason they're good. Kelly Mantle's the reason. Something was missing. All right, so we have some questions from y'all here, and this is a very special live thing. So, Catherine from Nolens says, what is your least favorite look of each other's? Oh, let's start out light, Catherine. Oh, mine is so easy. So easy, mama. That fucking, that mushroom with the blue lip.

- Oh. - That mushroom, I mean it's not that I dislike it, it's just such a, it was a big, big swing and a big miss. - I hate it. - Which everybody's entitled to. I mean even Babe Ruth missed a few balls, you know? - I just don't like when you wear brown faux leather. Anyway, next question.

Why? Because my pussy gets so fucking hot. Like I spread my legs to air it out and then somebody comes and fucks me on stage. Listen, if she comes out here naked, then we have to look at real leather, okay? Holo! Holo! Holo!

No shade comes from reading. No. But you should feel really good about yourself because there are about 12 to 15 underage lesbians here who would fuck us in a minute. Well. In a minute. Show me the money, Jerry Maguire. Yeah. Show me the money. And there are gay men here who maybe once a year comment on a picture of us out of drag and go, it's not so bad. No, no. And let's not sell ourselves short. I would actually fuck you. There are a handful of gay men who would follow us back to our hotel rooms, try to have sex with us, and not be able to get erect. And rob us.

- At least 12 to 13 of them and they mean so well and we appreciate the sentiment. - If we took everyone who would fuck us out of Dragon 2 and put you in a room, which we've done, I would say, gentlemen, look to your left, look to your right. 50% of you will not be able to get hard if you try that. - Or 50. - At least 50. - Oh mama, mine's a solid 100%. - Yeah. - Yeah, to your left, to your right, poke the person in front and back of you. 100% of those people will not get an erection tonight. - No kidding. - Not even me.

Not even me. Oh. Challenge. By the way, that's how I like sex with me defined. A challenge. A challenge, yeah. Ain't no mountain high enough. He's like, I bet I can fuck you without throwing up. Let's do it. Like, you think you can go spelunking deep into this hot good pussy without retching, dry heaving, or passing out? I dare you. You know what?

By drag queen standards out of drag, don't forget, we have eyebrows, we have teeth. We sure do. Never mind that half of mine are tattooed on. It's okay. And never mind that under this drag, she's basically Dr. Manhattan. She's all muscle, people. Oh, no. Oh, no. Hello. Mom.

Mama, okay, so, so, so, okay, in the hotel, I'm not going to say where, as I was exiting the hotel, right when we arrived, I was going around, doing my little beat, I got to do the perimeter, you know what I mean? Secure the perimeter. Secure the perimeter. A bus full of athletes, about, I don't know, average, maybe seven and a half feet tall, probably basketball players,

We're getting into the hotel and I was like, oh shit, this gym is about to get crunk. So I need to get back down into the gym. You're like, I better beat them. Yes. Or those giants are going to steal your machines. Fat, nasty, and broke. Career in shambles. I walked into that gym mad as hell. Right. And...

It was a beautiful gym, small for my taste, very crowded. But listen, I'm a paying customer. I'm a woman of grace and dignity. I'm trying to work out and I'm going to because I am not a point in my life where I'm going to be intimidated by the fact that I'm a faggot who wants to work out with a bunch of straight men. No, ma'am. No, ma'am.

So I sure did. That's a real thing. If you're gay and you're at the gym and just because there's straight guys there, fuck them, girl. Do your thing. Do your thing. And listen, not to generalize, but let's get it clear. Faggots, well, okay, I'll just speak for this faggot.

Stray men at the gym, especially when there's a whole, you know, there's like an alpha thing going on. I waltz into that thing. And they think, oh, with this little 5'9", nothing, little tattoo, little fairy. Mama, I let them have it. I bet you did, bitch. Because they're doing this. They do like those stupid little squats, their bench presses. Then they go on their phone for like 15 minutes between sets. Mama, I'm doing handstand hold, handstand push-ups, push-ups.

Donna, Kelly, Karen, Ulysses, thanks for holding on the fort. Push up, push up, push up, push up. Because straight guys don't like to work out their legs. Mama, no, straight guys don't like to do anything, okay? They don't like to eat pussy. They don't like to satisfy a woman or a man. Mama, they don't like to wash their assholes, okay? Let's get it to... I mean, one of them jerked you off today. Well...

I think if you were to ask that man at an exit poll interview a la Pew Research Center, I do not believe he would describe himself as completely straight. Yeah. Because he walked into that room fat, nasty, and broke. He left career in shambles. And by the way,

Little did he know, he was kind of having a heterosexual experience. Well, so funny you mention that. Because I should have not buried the lead because of course he didn't know who I was, which was like, okay, interesting. A gay masseuse doesn't know who I am. It's like, okay, whatever. I'm not going to the Paltrow. I'm not going to the Paltrow. I'm not going to be like, you don't know who I am? I would have stormed out. I would have said, you have a lot to learn about this town, sweetie.

This is Nowlands. No, so like when he, when it turned out that he was straight, I was like, oh, this makes sense. And I was like, I said, after I apologized, after asking to kiss him, I apologize. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. But you know, it's like, you know, it's ironic because, you know, if you saw me in three hours, I, you know, there's a chance, a small chance, but still a chance that you'd probably want to. And I sure did pop the camera open, scroll up to the Instagram. And he was like, oh, wow.

And then when I tipped him an extra $100, on top of the $150, I already pre-tipped him. Thank you very much. Supporting the girls. When it comes to massage technicians, sex workers, people who do one-on-one services that provide me with so much pleasure, it's unimaginable. I do not fuck around with the fee, okay? No. I do not fuck around with the fee. I will steal from CVS to give to a hooker, okay? Yes!

So when after he left after he left you better believe ding ding ding text message Hey, what was your Instagram handle again and ding ding ding, you know, I'm gonna be in Vegas soon. That's kind of close to LA I said it's not but that's cute. You said you said believe it or not. My dick isn't thousands of miles long I can't reach you in Vegas, but this hot good pussy hit emanates. Just chop it off and mail it. Yeah, I

Okay, this is from Ryan from Slidel. Slidel. Is Slidel cool? She's so stupid. Thank you. Okay, fuck Slidel. Wait, wait, wait. I am obsessed with

with interstate beefs between cities. Y'all get a life. Get a life. It's so weird. Also, can I say, you're in New Orleans. Let Slidell live. You're in New Orleans. No, no, no, no, no. You don't need to slam dunk on Slidell. At least we ain't in Lafayette, girl. At least we ain't in Lafayette, Louisiana. But Mary, no. But girl, if you live in fucking, let's say you live in... Mama, Lafayette, Louisiana, ain't nobody getting out alive. No. No.

But if you live in, like, Chicago, you don't have to be like, fuck Joliet. Like, it's Joliet. You know, like, anyway. They want to know who's the ugly sister. Like, between us? How dare you imply that either of us is anything other than staggeringly attractive. Yeah, I'm not even entertaining. By the way, would you fags be here if we were disgusting to look at? I don't think so. Somebody said, yes, I would. Thank you so much. All right, this is from Veronica. The city says, hell.

It must be Slidell again, okay? Would you rather own a fracking... Can I come down here with you? Is that nice? We like to get intimate. Okay. Think down to my level, girl. Would you rather own a fracking farm or join the army? That is a fabulously horrifying question. Well, easy. I would do the fracking because then I could leverage the money into destroying the army. Wow. Wow.

Or something of that nature. I have a sneaking suspicion that when one does come into such a great amount of money, like, you know, from fracking, that you just, your skin turns gray and you become evil overnight. I don't know. But I would do, I wouldn't want to be in the army.

I wouldn't want to be in the army. I think if I owned one of those fracking machines, every day I'd be like, David, me and you, because isn't it like up and down? Yeah. Mineral rights. It wasn't funny yesterday and it's not funny today. Mineral rights. Yeah. I'd be Daniel Dave Lewis in There Will Be Blood.

I've never seen it. I would be beating fake preachers with bowling pins, mama. Beating to death fake preachers with bowling pins, honey. Darling in my private bowling alley. Beating to death fake preachers with bowling pins. Newsflash. They're all fake preachers, bitch. I got a lot of beating and a lot of pins, dude. Yes.

Alright, my earrings are so tight. Do you guys mind? Oh wait, let me say something so I don't usually read the comments I don't usually read the comments But the other day I happen to come across the comment that tick that mama made me howl made me how it was I think it was on the podcast or something we did on YouTube and the comment was why can't why caught you acting like a crackhead and I was like I was like I was like, oh my god Trixie he thinks I can act

And I reached into my wallet, looked at my SAG card, and I was like, that's right, baby. Yeah. The strike is over. Woo! Yes, and she portrayed a crackhead. Oh, there I know.

She portrayed a crackhead in the 2019 film Moving Parts. Yes. The drama. The fictionalized drama. Also, if y'all are looking for a little ooh, ooh, doot, doot, tingle, tingle, wingle, wingle, you gotta check out W Magazine's Fran Drescher ASMR video. It is just 10 minutes long. It won't take too much of your time. And it is a hoot and a holler and it will give you all those good tinglies and celebrate the fact that the SAG strike is over, baby, and the actors are back to work. He just walked out. Yeah, fuck you. He said...

- Fuck Fran Drescher. - Fuck that nanny. - Fuck the nanny. - All right, so this is from Josh from Nola. - Josh, Josh. - Nola. - Josh, Josh. - Katya, can we please get your thoughts on the Suez Canal? - Mama, let's talk about the Ever Given. I have one question for Miss Ever Given, the Evergreen. Were you a container ship or were you a ship contained? Were you silent or were you silenced, honey?

Let's talk about that shipping tea. You should honestly, I don't think about you being a politician, but I don't think the ones we have are all that great. I have no credibility. Everybody should be jerking off. Nobody listen to a word I would say. I would try to say, no, there's a conflict. There's a conflict, you guys. There's a conflict. Well, think of Boebert. Wait, what? Think of Boebert. I'd be jerking guys off at Beetlejuice. Yes. All right.

This is from Mark in Mola. Mark. What is your favorite episode of the comeback work? Okay, I'm going to be honest with you guys. Jane. Jane. The episode. Have you guys seen the comeback? You have to watch two seasons on HBO. You got to watch it, Mary. The episode where her marriage is falling apart and she's trying to go to dinner to meet her husband to fix it. And the producer, Jane, convinces her to wear a body microphone.

And he realizes on the date she's wearing a body microphone. I was sobbing watching that shit. It's so fierce. I cried. Oh my God, it was so good. It's so fierce. How about you? I think my favorite episode is when she, it's at the end of season one and she gets on Jay Leno and she's full, she's gone full tilt wacko because she's convinced that after the premiere of her reality show, she looks like an asshole. It was a huge failure. She's a laughingstock. It's over. She starts smoking again on camera. She doesn't give a fuck.

And she goes out on Jay Leno and the show's a big hit. And all of a sudden she shows her true colors, she hates Jane and all of a sudden, Jane, we did it! And it's so chilling. And Mary, the layers, this bitch is like lasagna in motion. The layers, the layers that she's served. It is like a deep dish Chicago style,

Pizza on a pizza within a lasagna, the layers, the layers. Miss Kudrow serves, you can't even get through them all. - Well you got the, artistically you got the pubes, the hood, the clit, the urethra, there's a lot. - The tubes, oh mama, she is so, girl Friends is, fuck Friends honey, it's all about Miss Kudrow. Jennifer Aniston, she's a shit girl. Lisa Kudrow, you are the diva. Not that we need to pit women against women,

But here's another one. Lisa Kudrow or Laura Dern? Lisa Kudrow. Lisa Kudrow. Everybody can eat it. Very interesting. Naomi Watts or Laura Dern? Laura Dern, right? Laura Dern, right? Laura Dern or Julia Louis-Dreyfus? Laura Dern. Okay. We got to get through these questions. We're over. Okay.

Audrey from NOLA says, do you live in Spain? How old am I? You got it. Okay. This one has no name or city. Perfect. Which means the question is probably going to be rude as hell. Fuck, marry, or kill? Lauren Poebert, Beetlejuice, or Santa Claus? Mama, that is...

Mama, I would fuck Miss Bo-Bert. You'd fuck Bo-Bert because you know she's going to get nasty. Yeah, I would kill Beetlejuice and his scummy ass. I would marry Miss Santa Claus because it's gifts every year. Yeah. Yeah. I would fuck Bo-Bert while I was killing Beetlejuice. Yes. But we would fuck Beetlejuice to death. I'm sorry. A famous husband who works one day a year. Sign me up, bitch. Thank you. Hello. Hello.

Hello. Travels without any through TSA. Hello. Carbon neutral sleigh. Thank you. Carbon neutral. If I had that flying magical sleigh, I'd be like, you guys with your gasoline, it's really irresponsible. Although we do need to revisit the rights of those rangers, but that's a story for another day. Thank you. Well, they're working on their debt to society. All right. This one. Okay. What other songs can you sing in the original key? Oh. Goon fap. Fap, fap. Goon fap. Goon fap.

I heard you. That's my next cover for Goon. I heard you listening to Hanson yesterday. I thought that can't be her listening to Hanson. You hear it? It's just the germ, the seed is planted. All right. Lainey from Daphne, Alabama? Yeah. It says AL. Is that Alabama? Or is that Alaska? Alaska.

Alaska's A-K. Are we booing Daphne, Alabama? Mama, Wisconsin education. Wisconsin education, okay? It's Alabama. AL is Alabama. Alabama, A-L-A-B-A-M-A. What has been your favorite tourist city so far, except NOLA, of course? Okay, that is... In America? It doesn't say anywhere. I'm going to say in America. We've got to narrow it down a little bit. Oh, Dallas, Texas.

Mama. 214. Did you guys bring your guns tonight? I don't know what it is about Miss Dallas. Maybe it's the hometown of Erykah Badu. I don't know the energy. But 214, the best shows of my life take place in Dallas, Texas. And the after parties are so lit, crunk, and turnt. Because, you know, they have a girl. Fuck, what is her name? God damn it. She is a fabulous, gorgeous Asian actress.

Supermodel. Mom, she pops that pussy. She pops that pussy so fiercely. Alexander, I figured I would've named it Mulat. It's something. Yes, that's her. And Dallas turns my pussy inside out like I'm at a gynecological fucking convention. Yes. Cadaverous. I'll give you one better. It's like they're teaching gynecology and they're opening up a cadaver. Yes. It's spilled open. Yeah, it's donated the body to science pussy. Yes. Yeah.

Yeah, I love Dallas. Love Dallas. I will say it's so gay, but I do love San Francisco. Sure. Yeah, because it's like the cold version of California. It's never that hot there. Yeah, it's like, do you like LA, but with horrible shitty weather and rude people? Oh, yeah. The wreck and the drug use there as well. Oh, yeah. Also, where else in the world can you go and when you get in the span of five minutes getting from your car to the CVS, see three people take a shit and four people shoot up heroin? Girl. We still have.

I love it. They said New Orleans. They all said you could see a New Orleans bitch. Yeah, but here they also... Yeah. Well, I remember when we started the Trixie and Kachi tour in San Francisco, I came inside and, I mean, I'm kind of Pollyanna. Open air drug use always is like, oh, it always just shocks me. And I came inside and I go, oh my God, there's a guy out there just shooting up. And I forget who it was. Somebody on the tour said, did you tell Kachi to come back inside? So funny. Yeah.

So funny. I'm the opposite of Pollyanna when it comes to that thing, but I am literally good at posture. You're walking by going, you're not supposed to do it like that. I was like, honey, I didn't see an alcohol swab. No, but I did see, and I'm not, there's no hyperbole in this. I saw three people pushing out turds from their bare assholes. Right just steps from our theater door. And I said, we've arrived. You said, honestly, work. Okay.

This person, I think it's Raleigh. Are you illiterate, ho? Give me that fucking thing. Do you read that? What does that say? Raleigh. Yeah. Favorite song as of late. What's your favorite song right now? Oh, I know what mine is. Ooh, girl. I know what mine is.

I know what mine is. It's, um... No, it's, um... Well, it's a toss-up. It is... I'll say two. One is Italian, one's English. Profumo by Misketa. So good. Such a bop. P-R-O-F-U-M-O. Give it a stream. You won't regret it. But then, Cupcake's, um... Um... Squidward Nose. His dick's smaller than my toes. Yeah, yeah, smaller than my toes. His dick's smaller than my toes. I'd rather ride Squidward Nose. Or...

I saved dick by giving it CPR. I saved dick by giving it CPR. Oh, your dick brick hard like a something. Oh, metal. Yeah. She does the callbacks. Crack it open. It's just so fun. She's so creative. I love it. McDonald's. My third, In a Winter by Zillia Banks. Oh, it wrote...

That song is so cunty. That one is so, when it gets cooking, you're like, she cooks so many meals up in that. We eat all the time. I could be in the middle of a conversation and that song gets up. I go, shut your mouth for a second. Yeah. Shut your faggot mouth. I need to groove to this music. Yeah. It's fierce. Yeah. I would say I really, oh, I really, this is so corny. I'm so embarrassing. Uh, you can go. Yeah.

own way. Yes. So good. Well, you know what? I have realized it all is fair in love and hip hop or music. Is it love or basketball? I forget. I can't judge people on music. You got to give people their music, right? Of course. Everything else, politics, we can judge people on. Right. But music, you really got to, there's no guilty pleasures in music if you're

makes you feel good, it makes you feel good. It doesn't matter. Everything else we can judge you on, but I feel like everybody gets a free pass at music, so don't ever make anybody feel bad about the music they like, right? Yes. And I've been revisiting... That being said, goon, bap, bap, goon. I've been revisiting the album Autobiography by Ashley Simpson, The Millennial Gaze. Yes. She has a whole album? Yes. Can I say that...

I've been reflecting a lot on all that and I think what happened to her was a little extreme. Pop artists sing the track all the time. The problem was people were going, see, we knew you were a nepo baby. They were waiting for her to make a mistake. They were trying to get the girls. They had the claws out like in the machine. Let me tell you something. Honey, I love music. I love singers. I love vocalists.

I listen to a lot of foreign music, especially Russian and Russian language music. They put on the biggest, craziest spectacles. Not one of those whores sings live. That's what I mean. Ever, ever, ever, ever. Mama, it's the CD track. There's a CD in that little stereo. They got lasers, ferns, animals, people on fire jumping through the air. And that whore is out there going...

And the crowd is living. I do not think we should ever punish people's voices. Mariah Carey's voice is gone. Whitney's voice was gone. We're destroying these women's voices. Let them just do the recording and then be there and park and bark. It's so funny how it's like, it's funny how it's like, I can't believe you're 70. I can't believe you sing that song when you recorded when you were 16. Flop. You know what I mean? It's so crazy. They have the nerve to come from Madonna. They're coming from Madonna that she's like, honey, first of all, she was never a powerhouse vocalist. Let's get it.

Don't get it twisted. And 40 years of hits. 40 years of hits. Don't fuck with Madonna. Don't fuck with Madonna. 40 years of hits. Anyways. Wait, what happened to the rest of the questions? I think that's it. I think we got them all. Yeah. Oh, I think that's it. Oh my God. Shit, Tracy. That's it. Shit. Oh, fuck. You guys, New Orleans, thank you for having us tonight. Oh, shoot. Oh, shit.

Oh, God. Well, I mean, Trixie, I mean, I'm just so worried, though. I mean, like, what if I would just bust all the buttons in this dress and my bosoms come flying out? And they saw that the line, the clear line from where the foundation ends and my gray skin begins. And my unshaven chest. What would happen? The good news is we're in New Orleans. There's already puke on the street, so it's fine.

I'm so embarrassed. I'm so humiliated. I can't believe it's happening to me. It's like a nightmare unfurling in real life. Oh, shit. I'll tell you what. I'm going to make a dignified exit and they can play you out and you can do sexy, okay? Bye. Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye. Thank you. Have a good night, New Orleans. Bye. Bye.

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