A Dazzling Woodland Sprite Dinner Party for Forest Faeries with Trixie and Katya
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So before we begin, I just want to state the obvious. I'm the only woman alive, one of seven, who can sing Old Man River in the original key. Old Man River, that Old Man River, that... Kathleen Turner. Cat shit. Cat shit. Cat shit? Do you guys like comedy on the pod today? Hashtag drag race. Hashtag all stars. Hashtag cat shit.

Catch it. I just saw a promo of Brooklyn Heights today. It was like drag race. It's like it's about to get crazy.

And it was so, I don't know what. Wooden plank delivery? No, not the delivery, but like. Crate and barrel delivery? The idea that after 78 seasons of Drag Race that you could surprise me at all. It's about to get, I don't know. It's about to get heightened in any way. It's about to get a security footage of us fucking George Washington. Like what's left? Like, like it's about to get more, or more. It's about to get, I don't know what it's about to get. It's about to get what? Unearthed as, it's about to get.

It's canceled. Girl, soak up what? It's about to get turned off. Yeah. Soak up what? Soak what up? Girl, that's spent on your forehead? I don't know. It's just...

A Drag Race promo ad is a parody of a Drag Race promo ad, of a parody of a Drag Race promo. They're all so funny. It's like an explosion and some faggot with a hint of an eyebrow being like, Thursdays are about to get blank. Like anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thursdays have – wait, where's my camera? Thursdays have never been fiercer. Fridays have never been more sickening. And Saturdays are about to get cunty. Yeah, okra.

Yeah. You have to catch Drag Race Virgin Islands. Yeah. Yeah. Drag Race Turks and Caicos where the queens are wild and the taxes are non-existent. Drag Race Halifax. Like really? Just, and just. Drag Race Bermuda where the oligarchs all come to get sickening. Totally. Drag Race Minnesota. And it's some fag in a wig like, hey. Things are about to get real fierce up in there. Oh crap. Who is the best at drag?

You better lay low. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, hey, hey, hey. You better chill. You better lay low. I got something for you. Wait, wait, wait. Your sunglasses. Oh, my God. Hold on. I'm just going to put my microphone down. Would you describe what's unfurling? Okay, so she's got these Ray-Bans that fold into like a tiny little pocket version of sunglasses. But when they unfold, you would never know that they come apart. They don't look at all like they come apart. It's pretty amazing. You better chill. Yeah.

You better lay low. You would never know. Hey, hey, hey. No, this is mine. You better chill. I only have one. Are those your only pair of Ray-Bans? You like Ray-Bans. I love them. I have one pair. I have those Facebook, those meta smart glasses from Ray-Ban.

They're nice. And they're pretty sturdy. This is my second pair. She sure has broken another pair. Well, I have a pair of Gucci sunglasses and a pair of... Yeah. Let's see. I have a pair of Gucci sunglasses and a pair of Louis Vuitton sunglasses and I never wear them. All right, Rich. I never wear them because I'm afraid. Come on, Rich. I'm afraid of breaking them and losing them. And can I let you in? I'm going to just lovingly and with the spirit of friendship and also the spirit of truth and justice in this capitalist society, I'm going to let you in on a very...

Important secret. Tell me. Vertical manufacturing. Anything over, I would say, approximately $150 for a pair of sunglasses, you might as well take a Valium...

Go to bed with a sheet cut, you know, where your bum is, bum up, ready to get deep dicked by that sunglass company or that designer because they are deep dicking you in your sleep. They are. But you know what happens to me? They're taking their dry dick and going deep in your butt for that money. Yeah. It ain't worth it. I know. But the problem is – You're getting robbed, Tom. I know. But when you and I were on tour last year, when I would be at my lowest, I would be like, oh, we're in Sydney.

We're in Sydney. I was like, I'd be like, I'm going to go buy myself something nice. Sometimes shopping on tour is what gets me through the day. I understand that. Do you understand that? I would suggest, because you're a business person and you understand this stuff, investment pieces.

Things that will accrue value, not scams. Sunglasses, mama, they ain't accruing shit. They're getting lost and broken in their boo-boo. They're all made by the same kind of manufacturer. No, when I buy something fancy, I picture myself at Buffalo Exchange, Crossroads Exchange at some point selling it back. Guess what it just was? I bought Chloe. I bought a pair of cunt Chloe's for 70 bucks.

Cat shit. At the where? Cat shit. Where were you? At Crossroads. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I need to take a trip there because I'm in, I feel, I was just thinking about this today. Mama. We just did, they announced Trixie Motel season two. Congratulations. Thank you. Wait, wait, wait, excuse you. They announced it. Oh, Queen of the Universe got canceled. Yeah. Thank you for bringing that up. Okay.

So did Trixie and Katya show. Oh, they're right. No, all the way. Excuse me, Christian and Katya. Oh, oh. Oh, I didn't mention you look lovely today. Thank you. It's autumn sunrise. So they announced that we are doing our house and I'm not going to spoil anything, but we had to obviously pack things up and move into a new house.

So in the new house, in the new closet, I was looking at some of my clothes going, I had some of my most expensive clothes I never wear for two reasons. Well, one, they ugly. I'm afraid of breaking them. Yes. Repping them, spilling them. Of course. Two, I'm embarrassed of them.

I'm embarrassed of my nice clothing. You're embarrassed of appearing bourgeois or that you're like, I'm embarrassed that I spent money on it. I'm embarrassed of being like, I don't know that, that drag race girl who two weeks into drag race has a Gucci suit on the plane and coach. Do you know what I mean? Mama, you're looking right at that whore. You're looking at her right in the face. You're looking that dog right in the face. But guess what she did though? I don't know.

Take a guess. We still don't know. She wore the shit out of that motherfucking suit. But my nice designer clothing is not in drag. Oh, so you're real bourgeois. So I'm embarrassed because I think if it has a face, a logo on it, a word, I think it's just got to go. And also, mama, you're going to get robbed.

You're going to get robbed. Tina, you think you're going to get rolled and robbed. You walk, no, no shade. But if you walk out of your house, you're not exactly in, um, let's say Bel Air. And so you are, you've got a target on the back of your big fat ass, which still you managed to keep after losing all that weight. Kudos. Thank you. And then we also have a target on Hollywood Boulevard. We, we, we have a store. Oh,

And then the new one on Sunset. Girl. Do you like Target? I do. You do? I love it. I feel like Target is like a millennial thing. I fucking love it. I watch a lot of TikToks and millennials are easy to make fun of. Well, I don't love slavery. Well, me neither. But can I say this? I've been watching. I'm a millennial.

Am I not? No, I think you're an old millennial. Yeah, old maiden type of millennial. But Gen Z making fun of millennials on TikTok, it is funny because they are making fun of a type of millennial. But I'm also like, I don't know anybody who says...

My Doggo, Wine O'Clock, like all those money things. I don't know anybody who says that shit. That's a boomer. That's like millennial boomer. But I think it's sort of based on that. That persona is based on millennial YouTube stars who at that time, these people watched as children. So they think like, oh, I don't know. I don't know anybody who's like my puppers. Well, I'm adulting today. I don't know anyone like that. Okay. So adulting is a book that was published literally 10 years ago.

15 years ago. Oh, that was real? Kelly Williams Brown. I know her personally. Cat Williams? Yes, Cat Williams. Cat Williams, adulting. Cat Williams sweated out his perm right in that book. And then, no, Kelly Williams Brown. I love Cat Williams. I do. Well, I don't know him. I do. Well, he knows me. I know that he sweats out his perm and I relate. Game recognizes game.

But Kelly Williams Brown wrote Adulting and then she wrote Gracious. And guess what? I was featured in that in Gracious. Why would that ever happen? I love it. I'm not surprised you're in a book called Ingracious. Yeah. I'm surprised. I live in Spain. Why are we in this book? Because I don't know. You have to pick it up and read it to find out. Anyways, so Target. Okay. Yeah.

being a homeowner and you know i have the beautiful condo right now and my beautiful homeowner yes and i just burped and you did that and now the pot is over cancel tina and now i'm in my horny era for like home good things i go to a target and you start fucking yanking they got an acrylic tray

To put in a drawer? Because my drawer needs an acrylic tray. The fuck it does. I'm going to meet you right there and goon on that section. Because I saw that wooden stool, that unfinished wooden stool, and I said, ooh, a little bit of paint, a little bit of varnish, and a lot of sandpaper. It's going to get real juicy up in my garage. This $50 stool, ooh, there ain't no other way. Empty spot on a wall?

A full-length mirror? How's the mirror at Target? Shitty. It don't matter. Mirrors break. That's life. Moving on. Well, some design books I've read, because I have read several,

Say that mirrors are like the absence of making a design decision. It's just something on the wall. Excuse me. You know, okay. That's fine. That's fair. But you know what I do? You know what else? I learned something amazing from myself the other day. How about this? I came up with something about interior decorating because when I went into your house, when I went into Orville's house first, I came home suicide watch. I was like, I went over, I gushed. I was like,

By the way, Orville has a beautiful home. It's not a mansion. No, I'm not. I don't want to live in a mansion. And you never will. And you never will. When you're living in a mansion, it would be called squatting. Yeah, that will be Malibu promises. You will pay $90,000 for a four-week stay in a mansion. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Flute out and not flute back. They buy a return flight that they know they won't use. Yes.

So I don't, but he, I was like, oh, wow. Oh, cool. Oh, wonderful. This is my dream home. Every, every corner, every detail, every fixture, every, every D and he gave me a, he gave me a free preview of his unfinished AD tour. Mama, you know, I was yanking. I was pulling the skin off with him right in the room like that. Yeah, I know you were. Yeah. I was going, I was Taffy. Hello Taffy. Hi Taffy. We're pulling Tina. And so it was fun. It was great. But,

I came home and I was like, I'm going to kill myself. I went to your house. I was like, Eden, hide all the knives. Hide all the pills. Hide all the, hide the knives, pills, hide your wives, your kids, hide everybody. Cause it's like, I need to go, I need to get taped up like a worm and then thrown into a closet with like a feeding tube. Your house is beautiful. Shut up, honey. Shut up. Don't matter. So the, it's not that, it's just that. I will say, we cleaned up a little before you came home. Hi.

It's the fact that, you know, when you're in high school and you're trying to cure like a gay people, especially, you know, you have this identity. You're like, you're saying, okay, what am I going to wear in college? You say like, how am I going to present myself? You're trying to curate a person, a sense of style, hopefully not so, uh,

It's kind of natural. Same thing if you're lucky enough to own a home, which let's face it, the luxury of not being able to afford it and living in shitty apartments is that you can't fucking decorate all that fiercely. And that's a freedom. Well, you can if you want to just let go of that security deposit. You can do whatever you want. Oh, and you should because you should never going to get it back, baby. I've always got it back.

Um, when you have, when you're lucky enough to have the resources to create a personal space, it's like a second puberty in the sense that you're insecure about it. Like, Oh, I'm insecure about my taste level. When people come over, they're going to think I'm tacky, all this, all this drama, drama, drama. But I thought that if somebody comes over and criticizes something about your house, it's not the thing they got to go.

Do you know what I mean? Like, like criticizing someone's home is weird. And it's horrible. Like when you're a guest, you got to be grateful. Don't ask me what I think of your house. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's a little bit different. I'm going to tell you, I will say, I'll walk in and somebody goes, what do you think? Cause I'll go, are you married to these baseboards? Like, but you know enough to be like, you know, this person's financial resources, you know what they have, you know, what's possible. You're not gonna be like, Oh, well,

Well, let's gut it tomorrow. You got 150 grand. You know, you're not going to say that. I have found that a lot of people feel like they hate their apartments, but they are completely intimidated by doing anything to it. Like painting it. Like putting up anything. Painting? Yeah.

is not expensive. It's a game changer. And you can do it yourself. You can do it yourself. You go to Home Depot, you ask the guy at the bed department, you say, give me a little color swatch. Not to mention for renters, a lot of times if you want to, let's say I wanted to upgrade these. You're going to paint it right back for me.

five coats of paint over those cabinets that won't close. No, some landlords, if you say, Hey, I'm going to switch, I'm going to upgrade the sconces in the living room. They'll say, we'll take it off your rent. Yeah. They're like, what click? They don't care. Or they'll take it off your rent. They'll give you credit. If they even answer the phone. Right. I just feel like I know security deposits. People were like, I want my security. The hardest thing about apartments is you need the first

First, last security. Last month and security. You need three times the rent to get an apartment. It's the equivalent of a down payment. Also, Amy Sedaris said, she's like, Todd Oldham and Amy Sedaris are like, don't ever, don't be afraid of transforming your apartment because you're never going to get that deposit back.

The Bald and the Beautiful is supported by FX's English Teacher. From Paul Sims, the executive producer that brought you What We Do in the Shadows, FX's English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school.

I cannot wait to see this amazing new show with the preternaturally hysterical Brian Jordan Alvarez. It's from the producer of one of the greatest TV shows of all time. And can I let you in on a little secret? A certain Miss Trixie Mattel makes a guest appearance on the show and whoa, it is a sight to behold. Take it from me, a connoisseur of quality television programming. You do not want to miss this show. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

Today's episode is brought to you by Angie. Angie has made it easier than ever to connect with skilled professionals to get all your jobs and projects done well. Let me tell you, there's the version of it where you try to do something at home and then there's a version of it where you have someone help you, you watch them do it the right way and you go, thank God I didn't try to do that myself.

I have fully done things around the home that I think look good and then a bang in the night and I wake up to a shelf collapsing, a painting falling off the wall. Like it, I've seen it all go south. I own a home and I can tell you, I know how much work it can take. Whether it's everyday maintenance and repairs or making dream projects a reality, it can be hard just to know where to start. But now all you need to do is Angie that and find a skilled local pro who will deliver the quality and expertise you need.

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but I'm so scared to try that on my own. Angie has 20 years of home experience and they've combined it with new tools to simplify the whole process. Bring them your project online or with the Angie app. Answer a few questions and Angie can handle the rest from start to finish or help you compare quotes from multiple pros and connect instantly, which means you can take care of any home project in just a few taps.

Because when it comes to getting the most out of your home, you can do this when you Angie that. Download the free Angie mobile app today or visit Angie.com. That's A-N-G-I dot com. I don't want to tell stories out of school. We're not in school. But our lovely friend, Graham Norton. Our lovely friend, Graham Norton. Our lovely friend of the pod. Love. Love him. No, we were on his pod. He's never been on our pod. No, but he judged me on Drag Race and gave me the most wonderful compliments. Love him. Love him. Yeah. His home in London, I was there and...

You love to name drop, don't you? No, but he bought the home next door and I think and did a combination like... That's what Tim Burton and what's her face did? Helena bought him Expelliarmus. Yeah. Well, if you live in a city, if the apartment next door to you becomes available and you buy it, you can double the size of your home. And you can be Sarah Jessica Parkour jumping from...

fixture to fixture. Well, in this condo, we're on the top level. The only way to expand would be to build another level or... Build up better. Yeah. No, you can't do that. No. The unit downstairs was for sale for a while and I was like... Fire slide. Wouldn't that be cunt? Fire pole. Yeah. I don't think the people in this building want me to take up any more space.

Everyone here has a dog, a screaming child. I'm barely here. And they all look like I'm the problem child. Mama, you are the perfect neighbor. And that woman said, oh my God, you lost so much weight. You are so sexy. Let me...

Fuck you. No, I was, she's like, have you lost a little weight? And I was like, oh, I have. And she went, it was a lot. I mean, you look good, but before you wrote. Nope. One time my sister, I think I've told you this, Sam. Hi, Sam. Sam is in Samantha. Yeah. She doesn't listen to this. She doesn't care what I do. A weenie and a bottle. She goes, yeah, you, she said you trimmed up. And I said, yeah. And she goes, cause you were big for a while.

I hate that shit, girl. I hate that shit. I live in Spain. You were big for a while. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You were big for a while because you were ugly. Now you're cute, but gorgeous. Because you were big. I love it. But that's how I am in homes. Like, it's rude to say something's wrong with someone's home. But if you ask, be ready for people to say what they think of that painting on the wall. Let me tell you something, because Andrew Yang pulled the biggest, not the presidential, former presidential hopeful, Astor Yang, Andrew Yang of the cabaret.

For the people at home. He ambushed me the other day. He brought me on an errand to go get fabric from this guy who lives on Sunset and did not warn me that we were about to enter a world of interior design hitherto unexplored by my eyeballs. In a good way or a bad way? In a fucking good way, Mary. Oh, okay. I walked into an old, original William Haynes Hollywood studio.

landmark. And as soon as I go in there and I'm like, Andrew, you've got a lot of explaining to do. You get out of here. I did this. You were there when you're a guest, you're either grateful, gracious, or you gush. And mama, it was waterworks.

You cried? No, no, no. I did worse. I was like, holy fucking shit. I want to fuck that wallpaper. I basically got on the floor, started humping the sumptuous mahogany woodwork. It took it for everything in my power not to see this antique Roman oil burner that I just wanted to lick like no man alone. Are those the things with the dripping oil? How?

How do they do that? No, no, no, no. This was a wooden spiral staff on a tripod that went all the way 25 feet up in the air that had a thing that was from 17th century oil burner. Oh, my God. You're uncherished, right? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. So let me finish. This motherfucker had the audacity. It was...

It was a, it wasn't a mansion. It was big. And I'm telling you, I wish I, it's online. I'll show you later. It was every square foot of this place was Contisha, Girlisha, Amazingisha. It was like every detail, every, um, cause what he does is he like, he's a curator and a tastemaker. He takes, he's like, he's a photographer. He'll take an eyes like, Oh, I know this artist who does this.

Boom. And he hooked you up with them to create an incredible, unique, one of a kind space. And he's a famous Dutch photographer. So he's got some moolah.

And he is so funny, but this space, mama, she got my pussy so hard and wet that I had to change my pants three times in the bathroom because I was soaking my hard rag and bone denim dungarees with pussy juice from the beauty that was unfurling in front of my very eyes on this, this like hidden hideaway. Does it make you want to change your house at all?

It makes me want to unlife myself. Okay. It makes me want to not change my house, but take some kerosene, a little bit of gasoline, lighter fluid and go. But you transform the exterior at your home. Yeah, that's lovely. And I'm grateful. Why don't you bring that energy indoors? Because you know why, Mary? I am. I called the electrician the next day. I said, Pablo, we got some work to do. So we're retrofitting all the lights. The cans? Mama, the cans are going. Okay, good. We're going to do, we're going to do, I got a whole plan, but here's the thing.

I don't want to stay there for very long because the discussion we had with this guy who's moving back to moving to Paris is that the housing market in LA in 2024, if you want to buy a Fisher house, um, little, uh, doll set on the street in Skid Row, be prepared to spend $425,000. Baby. Sweetie. Darling. Tootsie. And it's like, it's like in Provincetown.

It's Martha's Vineyard. A studio apartment in Provincetown is a million dollars. It's Nantucket Martha's Vineyard bullshit. We're doing Jackie Kennedy. We're doing fucking Callista Gingrich. We're doing Gloria Vanderbilt. I mean, you know where I live.

I have the nice house on the block and not in a good way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not a fabulous neighborhood. You got a moat and she's run by Torlina Phuket. And you know how people say like, oh, I live in LA. I see him in shit all the time. No, no, no. I see it every day. No, no, no. Check under the shoes. Every day. She tracked it on the carpet. The other day I was jogging and I was running behind one of those Amazon delivery robots and it ran over dog shit. I saw that. That was fierce. I was like, you better do it, robot. I was running behind it and I went, you're joking. And I just watched the wheels go over it and I said,

Better that than you though, right? Build back better. I want to ask you about Cherish. Cherish. Give me strength. The app. I was looking for, get into this, Mama. Get into this. Before we blow a gasket, I was looking for an outdoor aviary because I thought, you know what? Whether or not it's real, I think a decorative outdoor aviary, like a beautiful ornate cage in my backyard would be beautiful. Absolutely. Maybe something with a bench. They have aviaries that are a bench around with a cage in the middle. And I was like, that could be pretty, right? Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.

I was like, that's pretty. Oh, ancient Chinese. Oh, that must be just like the brand name. Oh, $30,000 for an outdoor aviary. I said, $30,000? There's no, unfortunately on Cherish, which I've, there's no option to say, you better chill. You better go down on this price. Is anything reasonably priced on Cherish? So, okay. We got Cherish. So, okay, here we go. Cherish is nuts. We got OfferUp.

We had Craigslist. Ooh, we lost her. Well, OfferUp is at least like, I'm trying to get rid of this old iPhone. Yeah. Like it's normal. Take my daughter. I hate her. Or it's like lightly used MacBook covered in jizz. Mama, keyboard don't work because she's spunky. But I got a Bluetooth one. I have a 1992 Tercel. Well, I have the tires. Yeah. I have one window. Not to the car, but something else. Then it's Facebook Marketplace. I don't fuck with Miss Facebook.

Then we got Etsy. It's not Facebook. It's meta. Okay. Then we got Miss Etsy. Then we go. Then we take a Herculean fucking giant ass Jackie Joyner, Kirstie fucking hurdle leap over to cherish. Rub me blind. Rub me blind. Please. I don't want to have any money. And then first dibs. Girl, first dibs on bankruptcy.

Foreclosure. First dibs on foreclosure. On your 401k, on your children's money, on trucks, estates. Well, this is a nice decorative. Your neighbor's house. Your mayor's house. I'm looking for a set of eight chargers for my dining table. Yeah. Oh.

$120,000. Oh, but don't worry, sweetie, because we have white glove shipping that will only set you back about 15 grand and it's only coming from Gardena, California. It's Cherish. Cherish is not the one who's a... Cherish is wild. I stopped opening the app because I thought... I'm not going to buy this stuff. Cherish sucks my whole pussy ass. It sucks. But first dibs,

But here's the thing about first dibs. She can come around. Craigslist is lovely. Craigslist is lovely, but you want to be archaeological. You got to get, you got to be Miss Indiana Jones and you got to be with the quickness.

So like on first dibs, you do, you go, you do a whole like manic scroll. Favorite, favorite, favorite, favorite, favorite. Next day, you got all the offers for, for, for haggling. They say, Ooh, that thing you favorited. She's on sale. You know, doubt it. No, no, no. This is how it works. $5,000 Caucasian rug featuring your favorite pictorial scene of somebody getting murdered. Okay. Three by five feet. Lovely quality handmade five grand favorite next day.

We'll sell you this rug for 4,200. Yeah. Plus shipping. Now, if it's from Italy, you don't even fuck with that. But you say, hey, you message them. I'll give you 36. I'll give you 3,000. And they say, 3,200. Boom. Sold. It's a Haggletina. It's Haggletina. You know, that happens on eBay. Like with a lot of the dolls I buy, it'll be like...

So and so, the seller sent you an offer. Because maybe I'm the only one who's watching it. The seller will be like, hey, instead of $500, I'll give it to you for four. But guess what I did? So I got, I hope I don't put them. I want to say who they are. Say who they are, where they live. I'm going to say it's Zach. That's the Zach that I deal with. Zach, lovely man. Old, not attractive. You better believe I would suck his dick right off his body. Okay. He is, I bought some items from him via First Dibs.

And then, so after the second item, I was like, why don't I contact him directly? Why is there a middleman? You better believe I called the place. And girl, mama, I saved, I got a very expensive rug. I'm going to say how much it was. I'm going to say how much it was advertised for. Nine grand. Honey, can I say? I got it for under six.

Can I say, I know the square footage of your house. Where are you putting these rugs? Where are you putting these rugs? You better lay low. There's no more room for rugs at your house. What are you doing? Put them on the roof? Flying around on them? I put one on the wall, sweetie. You better lay low. Oh, wait. Oh, wait. Can we put rugs on the wall? No, no. So the Berber, listen, rugs have shelf life. What is that, six weeks? Shut the fuck up.

That big blue nasty Berber that when you fucking vacuum it up, all that nasty shit, she's got to go off her up. So I had to switch her out. I got a beautiful little new Dracula. So I got scratchy Dracula in the gym. I got fierce Tina Dracula up top in the bedroom. And my life is just fabulous.

I got to get rid of a lot of furniture right now. And I think it's going to be like a week project where I take a, I'd make sure I'm home for a week and just list it all and be available. People can get it. And there's a lot of different ways to do it. And I actually think that's fun. And that's the, I mean, if you have an assistant, Jesus Christ, but, um, I got rid of my bed frame. Sometimes you just have to, you just have to say, please come get it. That's what I care about. I'm like, I care about someone coming to get it. The problem is a lot of that furniture is brand new.

Well, then you've got to sell it. And it's nice. Then you have to sell it. Soho Home. Soho Home. You've got to be kidding me. Soho Home. You can't give that away. You've got to sell it. Soho Home. I love it.

But wait, wait, wait. I got a massage just now. How was that? Bulgarian man. New personal trainer. Beat the shit out of me. And when I say beat the shit out of me, I'm saying he put me through a meat grinder and then all that nasty meat, he stepped on it with both of his feet and then his hands. And he smacked me and he said, you fabulous man. My guy, Kendon, I only see him a few times a year. And I have the problem of- A few times a year. For rubbing? Yeah.

Oh, rubbing. Yeah. The massage. Oh, and the massage. Okay. I only see him a few times a year because, but it's usually at the end of a tour leg when the corset has started to eat me. Of course. Yeah. When the bugs and scabs are like. So I feel bad because every time I see him, it's bad enough that I'm calling him. Do you know what I mean? It's tough. He's like, you need a doctor, not a masseuse. He's like, what have you been doing? I'm like, cross-dressing. Cross-dressing. I'm Zelda from fucking Pet Sematary. Yeah, you're like, Rachel. He's like, I cannot help you with spinal meningitis. Girl. Okay.

Miss Bifida, we can't come through for you today, honey. You need an MD, not a PT. I know. But I'm going to see him soon because even though I'm not that fucked up, I... Oh, well. No, I bought a table because I felt bad after seven years of him carrying his table. I thought, you know what he'll love? A, I always tip really well. But when he comes here three times a year, he will not have to bring a table. And I know...

These massage therapists need a massage therapist because they're carrying the table. It's like a hundred pounds. Mama. So that's what I said. I said, I do not have a table. I'm working in limited space. And he brought it. He slept a table over. He was so reasonable. He brought me in the gym? He brought me in my bedroom on top of Mr. I moved. Why? Listen, I moved my dresser because there's, um, there's a more ambience. It's freezing in the gym and it smells a little bit funky down there. So, um,

And they didn't have time to really get it juicy up in there. You think he's going to be touching your naked body and it's going to get better smells? Once he pulls back that flap, you know the one. Yeah.

That one flap. Those flaps. They flaps. But no, no. He brought the table. He had everything. Mama, he was the real Bulgarian deal. And he and I. Do you like Rob? Was it like that? I was like, I was like, he's like, that's it. Nothing else. Nothing else. I was like, you don't speak Russian, do you? He's like, yes. And that's it.

That was the extent of our conversation. He said, not with you, boo. I was like, not with your fucking faggoty asshole. But he fucking got me together and he was – it was expert. And $150 for an hour in my book, mama, for a grade A? What's his name? Why not say his name? Promote him. Okay. Well, okay. I'm not sure.

Maybe we can insert it. I'm not just sure if he wants to get on blast in this context. No, you know what I mean? Of course. Of course. He's fine with it. His name's Kendon and his Instagram, I believe, is

I think it's Turnaround Turner. Okay. It's Kendon Turner. Okay. But he's been with me for eight years, something like that. Yeah. The nooks and the crannies. Oh, mama. Completely professional. Yeah. Serious. Works me out. Yeah. And I'm chatty. I know people probably don't want to talk, but I talk the whole time. I tried to get... So I get vocal. So because I'm used to like sensual and sexual massages where I go...

And I'm used to normal, where we talk about like TV. Yeah, you're like, hey, how about if Grace and Frankie? Yes. Catch the last episode of Bones. How about Grace and Frankie? Which one's which? I can't tell. CSI, is that children singing? Wait, there's CSI, NCIS. It's like naughty children singing in song. Incantations? Incantations. Wait, naughty children singing? Remember how big CSI was? Mama, remember?

Remember how many people were like, I want to be a- The dumbest cunt from your elementary school was like, I'm going to be a friend scientist. No, you're not, Mary. No, you're not. It's the marine biology. You're the dumbest bitch I've ever met. Marine biology. It's like, I'm going to be a marine biologist. It's like, oh, what? You want to put on a wetsuit and go what? Mama, they don't know. They think they're going to the aquarium.

Oh, wait, wait. So the massage was sensational because two, two days of getting pulverized my upper upper body. And I'm talking like, this is, you know, where I work out every day by myself, but I certainly don't. And I scream, but for other reasons. And he like, I go, yeah, I'm like, I do my Sanskrit. I do my, um, my Italian. I do when I'm running sometimes if I'm really into it and I'm, I'm breaking through that wall. I go,

Yeah, hype. You're hype man. I'll be on like a corner and I'll be jogging in place and there'll be fags around me and I'll be like, whoo! Yeah. I mean, I got so many little hype tunes. I got, and then I got, I got, you know, I mean, if people are Sanskrit, that's not so great. If I'm running and it's like, I'm listening to music, sometimes I'll,

Like I clap along with it. Sweetie. If the song has a clap, I'm clapping. I'm a sweetie. Hang on. Hang on for just a second. I got to get involved. What's the point of doing an activity where your hands are free if you can't do something? Thank you, Tina. You got to get into this gig. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. It's worth it. It's worth it. Oh, here we go. Here we go. I have a loud snap and a loud clap and I do this all day. Okay. Who was that to? No one. No one.

I recorded it and I was like, I'm not sending this to anybody, you fucking freak. No, you know what? I tape a lot. Oh, that's not so good. Oh, it's the acoustics in here. In my... I have a crisp, like, nasty snap that's not... It's not warmed up. Like, in my home, it goes like... It is like... It's like a whip crack. It's like nasty. It's like annoying, annoying. But then I do, I go...

I do come on Natch like insane in the shower. Come on Natch! All the time in the shower. And I say, come on wet. Come on wet body. Come on, clean it up.

shower. Well, luckily I only do that like what once a month. Yeah. I used to do that a lot more when I lived alone here. I would like every time I walked by my guitar, I had to pick it up and play for a second. It was like a compulsion or I would walk around and singing. And now that I live alone, I barely sing. Miss David. Oh, she's a singer. She's a singer. Not a singer, not a singer at all when it comes to

you know, pitch notes, vocals, music, lyrics, energy, mama. It's all about energy. Upstairs doing his laundry. Yeah. Singing probably. Oh, the same few lines of a song over and over again. Top, top of his voice. Oh yeah. But you know, there's something very charming about people who emphatically sing with

Complete like tone deafness. I love it. It's because it's, it's, it's pure. And it's also pure source energy. People who love stuff. That's lovely boots shit. Yeah. That's the lovely boots. Totally. Lovely boots. How about this? Um, it's like when you, my new chestnut is, um, oh, of course it's Lorde's. All the clips, all the clips, which I'm about to play on the pod. Sure. I cannot believe that.

You're going to let me do this, but you are. What say do I have? So when she was in Spain, you know, she was interviewed like by some stupid paparazzo. And she was, I would say my guesstimate would be drunk Tina. Yeah, she seemed like a little three sheets to the wind. Yes. But you know what? She's Madonna's daughter. And I don't give a, she is so fierce and cunty. And this is what she said. How old are you? How old am I? I'm a root.

Everything's great. Do you like Spain? I fucking love it. Do you live in Spain? I live in Spain? I love it. Would I like to live here? I don't know. Do you like paella and tortilla? I don't like... That's good, guys. Do you like Shakira? Shakira, Shakira.

And that's so Lourdes Leon, the daughter of Madonna, eldest daughter. Stunning. But I fucking love it. So the studio language now has, we have four or five responses total. So we've got yes, no, I don't know, maybe, and something else. You can either say, I fucking love it. I love it. I live in Spain.

How old am I? Or Shakira, Shakira. That's it. That's it. That's our new drag lingo. That's because the rest of it's tired. Work it fierce. Hunty. Slay. No, no, no. I live in Spain. Shakira, Shakira. She wasn't just in the right place to maybe understand the question. Mama, she didn't know where she lived. Yeah. She was like, I live in Spain.

I've only been to Spain the once. Where were we? Barcelona. No, we went to Madrid as well. No, we didn't. On that trip? The liar, the bitch in her slutty wardrobe. But I mean, that's the one time I went was that trip to that country. Maybe we did both. But we did in Spain. We did Barcelona and Madrid. Oh, yeah. That's where I watch Hombre de Acera. Man of Steel. Oh, we also are instituting come November 1st today, one hour of studio time in Español Solamente.

- For who? - Everyone's learning Spanish. - I don't even know how to say that. The three of us. Andrew, Eden, Eden, and me. - Wow.

But are you guys learning on your own? Are you learning on your own and then coming together to practice? Or are you just hoping by being in the same room, someone will get it? So if you want to communicate, la comunicación, una hora en español solamente. So if you want to talk to each other, you want to talk on the phone, español. If you want to learn Duolingo on your own, you can do that too.

study on your own, but there is no comunicacion in ingles for one hour. We haven't figured out the day yet. And then we're going to do another day. And then it's pretty much going to be all the whole day. But are you guys front-loading that with any personal learning of the language? Of course. Okay, I was just going to say, you're all going to show up and say it's Spanish now. It's not like changing languages on Netflix. You know what I mean? No, no, no, no, no. But we do have Google Translate if we have a specific phrase that we have, you know, we're all doing Duolingo, Pimsleur, Babel, whatnot. We're all doing that, of course.

Si, claro que si. I would have just cut your face. Kill Bill's not Duolingo. You know what? I think it's important that you're learning. I wish I knew Spanish. Me too, bitch. It's about... Imagine if we could go perform in Mexico and even say hello. Mama, we can. We could say, Hola, mis amores. La cuckoo.

What I've learned about languages is I might be able to string together a sentence, but whatever you say back to me is going to go right over my head. But how about this though? I was in an Uber on Halloween Saturday with an Arabic driver who spoke French and we were lamenting the rudeness of Parisian French. It was like, I did not spend 12 years of my fucking life

Trying to learn French and perfect, trying to perfect my accent. And I'll pat myself on the back. I have a very good accent. And by the way, it ain't Spanish. It doesn't come in handy all the time. No, that's what we're saying. It's like, mama, French is flop Tina. Girl, ain't nobody used it. I don't care about the UN official, whatever. Girl, you're flop Tina. Everybody in French speaks English. English. Everybody in the Maghreb or in those Arab countries speaks English. They speak Arabic and English. They don't want to speak French, ho.

And so like, if I go to Cote d'Ivoire or like all of it, they speak their native African languages and dialects and English. Mama, they're like French, French for French. But French people have literally said to me, you study French. Why? Yeah. They're like, what? And I go, my high school only offered French and they go, really? Why? I don't know why. Although it did come in handy last at the plaza.

When I got the chance to talk to you, Chance High Tech. Okay, I was wondering who you were talking to. So this woman, a legendary, mama, you're not ready for this legend. I saw her. Oh, you sure did. Legendary witch, Leanne Rimes, Rooney Mara, Kourtney Kardashian, Kim Kardashian,

Shelly... Karen... Lisa... Ulysses... She is a facialist... To the stars... A... An eccentric Hollywood fixture... Who literally... You can go check it out... She does... She has a long... Long... Long... Long... Long list of clients... Her own serums... She's got potions...

And electrodes and lasers in her crazy Hollywood apartment. And the stars come out to her. A 65-person waiting list, allegedly. That we had a long, long, long conversation. It was amazing. And I'm hopefully getting on the list. That would be great for you. Chance high tech. She is wild.

Because she was very impressed with how I quit smoking. That is impressive. How long has it been now? It's been since the 15th of April. And I'm talking, mama, I'm talking not...

You know how the ghost, just one drag. Not one drag. Not one. I'm talking not one drag. Not one drag of a nicotine product at all. Period. Well, it's a little like booze where it's easier to do nothing than a little. I absolutely. If I started having a little alcohol in there, I start having it all the time. I just do a little oxygen with dinner. Yeah. Can I tell you what I've been doing? When Dave, when we go out and David buys like a martini or whatever,

I'll get a glass of white wine at the table. Oh, you are bad. But I don't eat it. Oh my God. I get it to be included. You are so bad. Like a prop. Hey, do you ever get drunk off the prop wine? That was so sickening. How about Kiki Dunst's face though? She's like. Oh, she goes. She's like, um, dumb bitch.

Sit your ass down and shut the hell up. It was so diplomatic. That's what's so funny about acting. Some people in acting are like, well, I just pretend whatever's happening. I pretend whatever it says is happening. Well, I live as a mole person for six years. In a sommelier, if there's a drink in the scene, I have to learn the sommelier technique to know where the origins of the grapes are from. Where's this wine? It's like, girl, just drink the fucking wine and say the lines. I remember in theater school, which I do agree that if there's

A word in the text that you don't understand, it's your job to find out what it is. Of course. But the beyond of that is. And I've gone on a radical HRT program at the, you know, with my doctor told me not to, but what do doctors know? And so there's like the whole, and then sometimes you have these amazing actors who are like, they're standing there with their word and they're like, listen, I just pretend it's happening. Tony Collette, Francis McDormand. They say, well, you know, I learned all of my lines. And when the director says action, I say them and I try to act the best of the way I can.

And I don't need therapy afterwards because it's fake. Wait, wait, wait. Do you remember when Gaga was like, her character from House of Gucci, she's like, I can't take you with me, Francesca, or whatever the fuck. It was like a goodbye letter, an open letter. Mama, nobody wants to take her with you. Like, mama, she, like, she, also, she lives. She ill. She lives. Like, that woman is alive.

And she ill. She takes herself with her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get out of her house and get out of her body. Oh, you know what though? You want to talk crying? I watched Maria Sharapova's open letter. She said a goodbye to tennis. That's fucking different though. That made me cry. If Simone Biles said goodbye to gymnastics, I'd be like,

You see me swinging with my little chalked up feet like I'm on the floor exercise. Oh, you'd be watching it with feet covered in chalk, Steinbach chalk, just drawing on them. Uneven bars. Dick hanging from the low bar, head hanging from the high bar. Yeah. Goodbye. Bon appetit and goodbye. I think we can wrap it up there. Okay. Wait, wait. Again, shout out to Simone Biles. Mama, you do whatever the fuck you want to do because mama...

None of these hoes can touch you. Never can touch you. You know we love you. And if you're ever in the same city as us, we're doing Bald and the Beautiful live. Simone, if you ever can come to a show, please. If you even could. I mean, we will helicopter your ass in. Just, and I'm not going to ask, I'm not going to patronize you. Do a somersault. Mama, you're not doing nothing.

You don't have to do anything. We're going to fatten you up. You're going to lay down in bed on stage. You're going to have the best seat in the house. I'm going to break my other hip doing cartwheels. I'm going to try to do the Miller, which is like a back handspring with a half turn into a split handstand. I'm going to kill myself for your glory. Simone, we're going to have a love sack on stage and you just plop down and you're going to have 3D goggles of a movie. You don't have to watch us. Any movie. Watch anything. Anything you want. And for $35,000 a minute. We're also going to pay you. Bye, Simone. Bye. Bye.

Thank you.