Listening to Swedish Acid Jazz in a Spaceship at Dusk on April 2, 1971 with Trixie and Katya
48:47 Share

You know what I realized? The thing I hate the most in this world, more than murder and genocide, I think is shit. So, excuse me, taking a shit, all of it, handling it. I was taking the trash cans back into my garage this morning because it was trash night last night, and I opened one of them. The recycling had dog shit in there.

Why do they do that in Los Angeles? Easily. I understand. It was wrapped. But it's in the recycling bin. It was in a bin, period. It's better than leaving it on the floor, of course. Better than leaving it on the ground or in the yard or hucking it into my open window, into my mouth. By the way, I love that your home is so private. You have no eyeline to the street, and you really believe that the people on the street are out to get you. They're not out to get me. They're organized.

They're unionized. They're lined up and they're planned and they're plotting and scheming. And I'm in there with my breasts out, my mouth wide open, chomping, chomping. And they're throwing little bags of dog shit into my window right in my open mouth. But they're not. No, no. So anyways, but so somebody walked by with their dog and put a little dog shit in my bin. And I said, you know, that's really horrible because that thing is going to bake in there.

It's going to bake in the 90 degree day. And that bin is going to be fucking dog shit. It's one thing to be dog shit. It's another thing to cook it for me. Baked, cooked dog shit. You're putting it in basically a solar hot dog oven. You're doing it. You're putting it in the slow cooker. Yeah. The crock pot. Yeah. The dog shit crock pot. I have a dog shit souffle in there now. Anyways. And then I thought about human shit and how much I hate that.

And then I realized, I was like, I just hate that so, so, so much. It's like the thing I hate the most in life. You know, I- The most in life. This is maybe, I'm not a dog owner. No, human shit. I almost think dog shit is worse. This is why I won't get a pet. I love animals. I do too. Lifelong vegetarian. I would rather be in a room full of dogs than people. Absolutely. But what I'm committing to.

Taking that hand and palpating that hot turd. I know. Of course it's with a shield of plastic, but that doesn't matter to me. That really doesn't matter to me. If you have a dog poop, well, if you have a dog and it has poop, which it probably does. Yeah. If your dog's not pooping, go to the vet. Yeah. You know, when you pick up the poop with the plastic and you turn inside out and you've never technically touched the poop. Yeah.

Do you feel comfortable smelling your hand, touching your face? Or caressing the cheek of your beloved? Right. Is that enough of a barrier that you're like, we're good? I don't think so. Or do you walk home sort of like, ugh, gotta wash this? Because not to be ignorant, I never had a dog in the city. In the country, the dog would run into the woods, do pooping, and I would never even know about the dog poop. Right, exactly. The dog even knew not to poop in the yard. Yeah. We'd never see dog poop. Yeah. We had a chihuahua that would go poop its little teeny Tootsie Roll turds in the bushes. Right.

Even in the bushes. We never saw it. We never palpated its fucking turds with our fingertips. Right.

Do you think people feel clean enough after cleaning up the poop? They're like, there was plastic. I don't know. I mean, I really don't know. I eat off the floor. So like if I drop candy or food on the floor, I don't even eat off the floor. So maybe I can't talk because people's shoes walk on the street, which has poop. And then they walk in the house and I eat the candy off the floor. I don't think we're really, I don't think that's on the same level as palpating with our fingertips the feces of a dog. I think you're probably.

That's the reason I won't. I mean, there's a lot of degrading things I have done and will continue to do in my life. But that one is just not part of it. That scooping it up with my hands. I know. It's so disgusting to me. Well, let's say you're really rich and you have a dog walk and you have somebody who comes and cleans at the poos twice a week. Maybe it's just never your problem, but still. I don't like that though. But cat boxes is worse. Litter boxes is worse, honey. Litter boxes is worse. Oh, hi. This is my cat.

And this is the sandbox in the bathroom that my cat shits in. I know. The open air sandbox filled with fucking cat turds. And pee. In my house. And pee. Chunked up pee. Neon yellow ammonia. Put you like a brick of cat piss for lunch. Because it's certainly on, it's on display in the room 50 feet to our left. Yeah, this litter turns blue if your cat's going to die. I'm like, okay.

Okay. What do we need to learn from our cat's pee? Absolutely fucking nothing. We're not reading tea leaves. No, no, no. We're not picking up bricks of piss and then gravelly shit turds from the cat's ass. From the cat's ass. Yeah, I know. Now, just give the cat pure for men and then the cat will have a little owl pellet. No moisture. Okay. Okay.

You can't go too hard on the pure for men. Pets are not for me. If you go too hard on the pure for men, that poop's never coming out. Wait, wait, wait. For real? I thought it was fiber. It is, but if you go too hard on the pure for men, that poop is like, guess what? Now I'm a cinder block and you're going to have to surgically extract me. You're going to have to call Dr. Oz. Oh no. Digital extraction. Yeah, you got to be careful. Digital extraction. I don't take that stuff. I don't know. I don't. Again, I don't want to talk about bottoming, but I do. Do it. Okay. Okay.

What do we have to learn? Well, so... That's a little gross. Yeah. You're involved. I... Just, it depends on how you tell it. Tell it like a hot story and then it'll be hot. I have a hard time thinking about previous sexual encounters involving me and making them hot. Tell it like Kathleen Turner. Okay. Okay.

man river that old man river that he came over I'll tell like Amanda yeah he came over it's about 510 big blue eyes really big cock he took out his cock and I was like I'm gonna suck it it's like okay yeah I will and then we like we had a great erotic time and then he ate my ass for like an hour is that the gross story yes so that's like the part that kind of do you like your ass eaten a

It's not for everyone. So it's my favorite thing to do, I would say. You prefer to do it than have it done. Absolutely. Interesting. Absolutely. Because I lean more towards the top aggressor side of things than the bottom receiver side of things. But...

I don't like that you said aggressor. In sex, I'm the aggressor. Like that makes it seem like every instance is violent somehow. Can you say perhaps maybe you're just more dominant. I'm the aggressor. In bed, I'm the aggressor. That is so intense, but I know what you mean. I'm the perpetrator. I know what you mean. I'm more of the perp. Are you a top or a bottom? I'm the aggressor.

In court, they would call me the aggressor. The perp and the vic. Who's the perp? Who's the vic? Oh, fuck. If you're the bottom, you're the victim. What if I was like, in bed, I'm more of a victim. Like that's inappropriate.

The aggressor. Because that makes it sound like the other person doesn't want to have sex. And maybe they don't. No, no. Maybe you're, maybe, well. Shit. No, they do, unfortunately. Sounds like they do. They're eating your ass. Yeah, it's crazy. I'm like, you really want to do all that? It's like going back to cat turds, you know? No, no, no. They like it. No, no. And I'm not, I'm not dirty, of course. I'm not, that's crazy. I'm not that. But like, I don't know. I don't know what the point of that story was. Oh, I know. I know. I don't know.

I'm going on a porn cleanse again. Okay. Again, again, again, again. I think last time or the time before we talked, I had deleted my OnlyFans account while I made another one. So I deleted that one. You gave it the old college try. What I know about you is when it comes to wellness, you love to give it your best for about six to eight hours. Yeah. And mama, listen, that's better than not doing it at all. Okay. Yeah. McDonald's.

So, but I, and then I, I, um, I deleted it again. I was following 13 people, 13 people. That's 13 reasons why 13 goes, that's at least $130. Oh, right. I didn't think about the money. Yeah. And that's like, and that's by the way, you're supporting the actors, supporting the artists, but you know what though?

Let's talk about some of these fucking actors. Well, you and I talked about how important it is to, if you can, ethically source porn. Buy it directly from the spigot. Drink from the spigot. Drink from the spigot and pay for that. And pay for it. Pay for it. However, as a consumer, you know, I am entitled to have my own opinions of what I am consuming. ConsumerReport.com. Of course. I can write my own reviews. Glassbottomboat.com. Glassbottomboat.com. Come on.

Well, you know, what about if I had an only fans TV, if I had only fans, I would tease like you guys want to see my fat cock and I would probably do it in drag because I know that's what they want. Right. They want like they want like me in drag. Yeah. And then all the all the content would be point five close up pictures of my face.

Like the no is super big. The way you would get just mama, not a single fucking subscriber. Well, there was somebody we used to talk about who would tease their OnlyFans and it would be like underwear butt pics. And we'd be like, bring a book, bitch. Bring a fucking book. Recently on like a Twitter porn account, I saw one of their pirated videos and I went, I guess she finally gave up the ghost. Yes, she finally did. And she's getting DP'd.

Good for her. By huge Spanish cocks. Good for her because you know what? Girl. No, I know. I know. I know. By the way, just don't overpromise. If this is your sexy underwear account, gym picture account, just be honest. Don't overpromise and underdeliver, which is a lot of these scammers are doing on OnlyFans. Yeah. Now, and OnlyFans is like not a great digital marketplace because you don't get previews. You don't get to browse through a – you don't get to window shop previews.

You can't even search. I was like, oh, who was that guy? I think his name was like...

tall top stud or something of that effect you can't search unless you know exactly the name yeah bad skin eddie yeah bad skin eddie with the big old goiter yeah yeah nothing you have to you know exactly what it's not a great website you gotta know their exact like exact period exclamation point k3x is not two it's like it sucks the website sucks shit sorry about it being named tricksy is sometimes people will automatically put several x's and i'm like

You think I'm over here doing porn fingering myself in a video. You think it's Trixie triple X Trixie, please bitch. I'm in here in a bouffant cooking in the easy bake oven.

Please, bitch. Her pussy tight like a drum. Yeah. No. Her pussy. Yeah. It's not happening. Well, anyway, so a lot of some of these, some of these creators, this is what they get into. Apology videos. What? No, like they're, it's not even not apology videos. Apology paragraphs. Like, sorry, I haven't, sorry, I haven't created anything in a while.

It's mental health awareness month. I know you came here to jerk off, but here's a picture of my dog. Exactly. It's like things have not been going so well. It's like, Mary, I wish you the best, but we're here to jerk. I hope you dance. I hope you dance. I hope you dance. But in the meantime, in the meantime, drop the pants. I know. You know what I mean? I do have sympathy because. No, I do too. I do too. But on the other hand, where's my $10? Well, I've learned with the YouTube channel, with my YouTube channel,

Bank it when you're in the mood. Thank you. And that way if you have an off week, you're like, oh good, we have something. Exactly. When you're following somebody and you can see the scramble marks-

When they're scramble.com. What does that mean? When they're scrambling. Oh, like you can tell they're not exactly. They're scrambling and scraggling. They're like, they're going back into the vault to like upload a JPEG as content for that week. It's like, Mary, you don't got nothing. Well, you and I had a sub stack. You don't got nothing. That was a lot of work. It's a lot of work. Sub stack drove us insane. It's actually insane. Because it was three posts a week, I believe.

That's three unique posts a week. It was. It was. It was the worst of times. It was the worst of times. It was truly. Yeah. It was truly. Yeah. It was horrible. And a lot of these people do not know what they're getting into. And I can see it. I can see, I can see the trajectory. Yes. It goes from the realization that one is hot. And then the realization that one would watch me be hot. And then they go, I'm a porn star. Ooh.

Ooh, there's a lot in between those, that second and third step. Also porn stars equal to, it's open to interpretation. Absolutely. You know? Yeah. There are less and less, I feel bonafide porn stars because they're

There used to be no options. Now there's so many creators. You can find whoever type of whoever having any type of sex, which is great. Globally. You're having to compete globally. Your favorite porn person might have 10 followers. They just might do something you love. Whereas it used to be like, well, it's the same dozen guys on the DVDs. Right. Exactly. Now there's a whole world to choose from, but people don't realize that. Well, it's not, it's not just that you're hot.

It's not that just you're having sex. It's that someone's filming it and it's well lit, that it's well edited and that it's uploaded. Sound. That it's perfect sound. If you're fucking a pussy, I want to hear- Squelch, squelch, squelch. I want to hear medical level, like I want to know exactly the amount of juice in that pussy. Oh my God. Like tablespoon by tablespoon. I'm serious. I'm serious. I'm serious.

I love like 4k close up pussy fucking. Love it. Love it. And it's kind of a victimless crime. No one has to show their face. No one like could be anyone. I'm not even joking. I won't be made fun of. I'm not making fun of you.

Today's episode is brought to you by Angie. Angie has made it easier than ever to connect with skilled professionals to get all your jobs and projects done well. Let me tell you, there's the version of it where you try to do something at home and then there's a version of it where you have someone help you, you watch them do it the right way and you go, thank God I didn't try to do that myself.

I have fully done things around the home that I think look good and then a bang in the night and I wake up to a shelf collapsing, a painting falling off the wall. Like it, I've seen it all go south. I own a home and I can tell you, I know how much work it can take. Whether it's everyday maintenance and repairs or making dream projects a reality, it can be hard just to know where to start. But now all you need to do is Angie that and find a skilled local pro who will deliver the quality and expertise you need.

Whatever your home project, big or small, indoor or outdoor, you can Angie that and connect with skilled professionals to get the project done well. Right now, one of my wish lists is I want a bike for my condo in Milwaukee and I would love to rig it up on a pulley in the ceiling because I have one of those like lofted ceilings.

but I'm so scared to try that on my own. Angie has 20 years of home experience and they've combined it with new tools to simplify the whole process. Bring them your project online or with the Angie app. Answer a few questions and Angie can handle the rest from start to finish or help you compare quotes from multiple pros and connect instantly, which means you can take care of any home project in just a few taps.

Because when it comes to getting the most out of your home, you can do this when you Angie that. Download the free Angie mobile app today or visit Angie.com. That's A-N-G-I dot com.

The Bald and the Beautiful is supported by FX's English Teacher. From Paul Sims, the executive producer that brought you What We Do in the Shadows, FX's English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school.

I cannot wait to see this amazing new show with the preternaturally hysterical Brian Jordan Alvarez. It's from the producer of one of the greatest TV shows of all time. And can I let you in on a little secret? A certain Miss Trixie Mattel makes a guest appearance on the show and whoa, it is a sight to behold. Take it from me, a connoisseur of quality television programming. You do not want to miss this show. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

Toy, I also love, I specifically love toy videos. Toy videos, which is also like, you can make that without having to schedule another person. Yes, totally. You can actually wait till you get horny and then just film it. Exactly. Which is great. I love that too. And it's like, I bristle at this whole like collab thing. Drop the collab. Drop the collab. Drop it. Drop the collab, Mary. Drop collabing as a concept. Thank you.

Drop the collab sis. And then I don't know treating this. Don't treat the sex like you guys have been asking for it. Oh, treat it like you want to do it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I want to fuck this guy for a long time and I'm so excited. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I want to hear that you want to fuck this person. Yeah. I don't want to hear that you were like, you guys have been writing in. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

know whatever the fucking fake ass name is yeah but we have fake names too but you know yeah yeah it's it's so fierce and i had i was like i was like thank god look at these little motherfuckers they're like these lazy ass little creators not doing nothing and it's just like oh my god blue by the way i've never done porn cannot cannot act like i would do a better job i'm not saying i would do a better job oh i would be the i mean i when i was doing that my fake little drag um funny porno shit on only fan it was so much work

That's why you quit. So much work after three months. Yeah. So much work. I think we maybe did like two, two posts a week.

With like a big marquee video once a month. And that was like too much. Yeah. That was too much. We have weekly videos on my channel. One video a week is a full job. It's someone's full job to produce that. And it's also, don't you think it's like, it's consistency is the key there? Especially on YouTube. If you don't upload at least once a week regularly. You get scammed. I think the algorithm doesn't care about you as much. And people start to go, oh, you have money.

Monday video. Your videos are Mondays. People do remember that. They tune into that. Yeah. I mean, the more you upload, I do think just the more traction. Yeah. So for a while, I was doing my videos on Monday. Tuesdays, I think I had a Twitch stream. Wednesdays, I think was... Thursdays sometimes was...

I think Pit Stop, Drag Race. Friday's was a live stream. And I think Saturday's was, uh. So you had something on every fucking day? For a while I had five or six YouTube things a week. That's crazy. Which was crazy. But that's what makes the algorithm go, you like this video? I'm going to automatically recommend the next Trixie video. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It does all cross inseminate. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And for porn people, it's not the same because so many of these social media things restrict them. Yeah. And I do know gay people, a gay guy showing his...

But on Instagram probably will get flagged because they think they hate more gay people. Right. That's what some people say. Although I do know gay people who are truly prolapsed on the internet. I know. And then I didn't break a fucking rule. I'm like, I saw your, I saw your, I saw your liver. Yeah. It's rotten. You know, you were stretching the rules, Mary. Yeah. You know, so I'm doing a porn cleanse.

Yeah. So what, so what, so can we ask, can I ask, when did you know your relationship with porn became something you needed to cleanse? It's well, because, um, when I, that's a really good question. When you can be a specific or non-specific, but I've never had that moment where I go too much porn. Well, because I think like, um, when, when I become, when, and I'm less focused on like, it's hard to say, like,

I think with the sex stuff, you have to be, like, in the room. You have to be in the room, like, where your feet are. Like, do you...

It's so often I feel like there's like a disconnect between like and the eyeballs. Gooning. Gooning. Like you're just like, but you're not actually the sensation of where you are, where your body is. It's not actually, it's kind of like a moot. You're like disconnected in a way. Also, it's just too much. It's just too much. And I'm like, I'm like wrapped up in like, it's just like a lot of mental noise and stuff. Jerking off has never been a like,

For some people, they do it maybe a lot when they're depressed. When I'm really depressed, I can't do it. But that doesn't happen very often. It's never been something where when I'm not doing good, I do it all the time. So I guess that I don't relate to. It's not that I do it all the time. It's just like, because I never do it more than once a day. But it's just the quality of my actual sex life suffers. Really? Absolutely. Okay, wow. When I'm watching too much porn.

Okay. Because then it's just, it's just, it's looking at something far away that has nothing to do with the here and now. Sure. Sounds very vague, but. Well, I mean, the worst sex is better than the best porn. As far as like the heightened fluids and brain and the excitement and the, and also with sex, with a hookup, there's like a certain amount of fear and like unknown and

With jerking off, there's a lot of safety. There's a lot of no one else is here. I know how this is going to end. And for me, I think it's much better. It's just hyper. It's overstimulation. Like having access to like a crisp, clear 4K like orgy or something is like not –

Something that everyone wouldn't really have access to because it's so not in the realm of actual possibility in real life. Like I, like it's, it's hyper, it's too, it's overstimulating. I want to be able to like imagine with my brain and have that be enough. Sure. That's all. That's like for me, that's like my, my goal from like my sexual health is like to just imagine with your brain and then that's it. And otherwise don't fucking jerk off.

Yes. I will say when I lived alone, I probably did it more. Mm-hmm.

When you live with someone or share like a bed with someone. Oh, then yeah, no. I don't do it that much because there's not that much privacy in bed. Yeah. And if I want to do that, probably just going to do that with the person. Right. I think when my brother visited, he was there for three or four days. I did not jerk off. It doesn't really even cross your mind. No, not even. Although when he left, I was like, whoa, I'm horny. I was like, Jesus Christ. Chomp, come everywhere. Yeah. Nuts. Nuts.

So you're quitting porn for how long? I'm going to do two weeks. That's very doable. Are you still going to jerk off? Can you jerk off with no porn? Absolutely you can. Okay, great. Absolutely you can. So what's the issue? There's not an issue. It's not an embargo on jerking off, but I guarantee you that the jerking off will happen less frequently. But it's an embargo on pornography, which for me also gets into like Torlina Phuket territory and things like that. What do we call it? Pornography?

Miss Pookie and the Crystal Twirlettes. Miss Pookie and the Crystal Twirlettes. Yeah, Pookie Tina and her Crystal Twirlettes. Pookie Tina and the Crystal Twirlettes. Yeah, it skids a little close to that. And it's also, it lends itself to compulsive behavior. 100%. If the behavior is compulsive, then it's not good. Well, do you have that real addict shit where, this is a little personal, where if you don't do that thing, you just do something else?

If you're not doing this, you're like overeating. If you're not overeating, you're exercising. You're not exercising, you're fucking. You know what I mean? No, I don't. I don't have the, like the, it doesn't, it's not like a transfer addiction or a whack-a-mole. It's not like whack-a-mole. Like for, I was kind of like confused with the smoking cigarettes. Like, cause it didn't transfer anywhere else.

Like it didn't go. That's great. Well, yeah, I know. But I was, I was like confused. Some people snack when they quit. They gain a hundred fucking pounds when they quit smoking or they, they do that fucking stupid ass Nicorette gum. And then they can't get rid of that. But which by the way is so absurd. Yeah. But you know, like things like that, it didn't, it just left. It was like, we have a, we have a perfect, we have an intruder in the house. They're gone. Interesting. And you're like,

That seems like a best case scenario. Or did it just freak you out? It did, but it freaked me out because it was like, uh, okay. You thought you were going to like start pulling out your eyelashes or something. Yeah. Seriously. I was like, am I going to start cutting myself? Yeah. I don't know. Like nipple tweaking. I don't know.

Or I think some people, they snack because they need a mouth thing, a touch thing. Something, anything. I was like, the behavior was... Anything, anything. It was not replaced whatsoever. I didn't eat any more. Interesting. I didn't eat any less. I didn't like do any... I mean, the only thing is that I think I probably exercise a little bit more just because I can and it feels better, but not really. Yeah. Strange. Anyway, so yeah, the...

I'm so going to do that. When I quit drinking, I just told you this the other day. Suddenly performing with you becomes like, that is my, my shot of fireball for the day.

So sad. In that bleak, I'm like, you and I screaming about fucking Lauren Boebert might be the best thing that happens to me all day. Isn't that horrible? Whereas I used to leave here and be like, I need a drink. You know what I mean? I'd be like, I'm going to go have a nice glass of wine. Or like Clue, I'm going to have sex with my wife. I'm going to go home and sleep with my wife. And now like exercise and performing, that is my vodka soda. Oh, Mary, when we were done with fucking –

We hadn't done it in a while, I feel like. Yeah. We hadn't done it in a while. And I hadn't been... I hadn't filmed in a while. I hadn't been in drag in a while, all day long. And I got home. I got a wind that was so fierce. I said... And I was angry. I was filled with rage. Why? Just because I was overstimulated and I was over it. You get a second wind when you get out of drag. You're like, oh, it's 5 p.m. The sun's still out. Exactly. That was... Same thing happened to me. Yeah, exactly that. And I was like... Because I got...

People don't understand. It's exhausting, but it's also not exhausting being in drag. It's exhausting, but once the pain disappears, you're like, I'm in much better shape than I thought I was. And also, I didn't do anything all day. I sat in a chair all day. Yeah. Like that really gets me. It's mentally this, but it's physically not. No. It's uncomfortable, but it's not... It's not mall walking. No, and it's not satisfying. Right. And it's not... When you work out, you...

And I usually save the Red Bull for the latter half of, uh. Yeah. So when I do leave, I'm kind of awake. Yeah. So I get home and I take a quick shower and I'm like, I'm going to go for a fucking run. That's exactly the, that's exactly the fucking thing I did. I got in the shower. I scraped off every bit of drag, like a fucking freak. I was like scraping it off. And then I ran up the fucking, um, the stairs 25 times. Well, I think about is by the end of the day, half the makeup's off. I'm like, great.

My fucking lashes here. My middle. I don't know. It was a beautiful sunset. I was doing kicks, lunges, fucking handstands. I was like, it was a little, it was a little like concerning. It was like, what do you got to prove there, Mary? No, I used to. Is this Rocky four? What's going on? You were Brigitte. I usually like, I used to always be like, oh, why is everything in drag so early? And now my dream is to be in full drag shooting by nine. Oh yeah. And done by like three.

Well, there you go. Love. Getting home from full day of drag with the sun out. It's fierce. It's fierce. It's fierce. Getting home at night. And I hate getting home from a show and feeling wired. Oh.

And then it's like 1 a.m. And I'm like, I can't sleep. And also you got to eat. You can't eat. It's horrible. That is. Especially if I'm DJing. I usually had a Red Bull and then the adrenaline. I get home. David's fully asleep. And I'm like. On the other side of the bed being like, should we watch a film? He's like, it's 2 a.m.

It's horrible. I had a full night last night. Worked out, dinner, screaming bongos, watched the 2023 World Championships. Full night in bed at fucking 10 o'clock. In bed at 10 o'clock. The other night I said to David, should we go to bed? He said, it's 8 o'clock. I said, I didn't ask you what time it was. I said, should we go to bed? It's fierce. It's amazing. It's fierce. I love, and lately I've been cooking. What?

No, I've just been cooking. I'm Walter White. You're Jesse Pinkman. I've been cooking. I'm Jesse Redman. Yeah. I've been cooking. By the way, the color symbolism in that show. I know. We've talked about it. I wanted to cook and I've been cooking. Green chef?

I've been in a phase of expressing my love for my partner through food. That's good. So I wake up and I think, what does he want to eat tonight? And how do I make it as well as I can? Cauliflower steak. No. Carrot hot dogs. So every day I wake up in the morning when David wakes up, I'm like, what's your dream meal tonight? Let's do it. Oh my God. You're like an Italian woman. My energy in the kitchen is frantic.

Me trying to roast pine nuts. I swear to God, those little fuckers were white. I closed the little oven. I open it. Black smoke. I swear to God, they were in there 30 minutes. Roasting pine nuts. What is a pine nut? Roasting pine nuts for a salad? What?

And then I don't have the tools in the books. You're supposed to shave the broccoli or shave the Brussels sprouts on like a deli like shaving thing. I don't have that. So I have a big knife trying to cut my finger off so we can have a broccoli salad. Maybe you need to start a little bit more like level two, level one, level two. And then I'm running into this problem where I get an ingredient like fresh rosemary and I use it for a baked ziti. But now I have a lot left. So then I look up a recipe with rosemary and then I got more weird ingredients. So then to finish those ingredients, I got to buy these. And now I have this weird shit. It's like,

The fridge is becoming full of items that I don't know what goes obscure, obscure buttermilk, a quart of buttermilk. Everybody in the comments can make, well, actually he is, but I don't care. I will find out myself. You know, it all kind. I know it. I know they're going to be like, well, actually, I will figure it out. I'm not looking for help. Okay. I'm just complaining, bitch. I made a salad dressing with it. And then I know you can put it in pancakes. Yeah. I don't know. Well, that's fun though. I mean, traditional yeast.

Nutritional yeast? The internet says it's to add a cheese flavor without that funk. I'm like, what? Oh, no, thank you. Honey, there is no cheese flavor without the funk. Yeah, you don't like cheese. I sure don't. You know why? Because it's funky. Get that funky shit off my plate. Pecorino. Pecorino. Cacio e pepe. Peccadillo.

I love cheese. Pecorino. It's just right. It feels right. Baby bells? Are you fucking kidding me? A baby bell? Shove it up my ass. Baby bell cheese up the butt? I love being a vegetarian. If I ever took that vegan leap, I did it once for like six months.

The no cheese thing is a gaping struggle in my life. Oh, really? It's the whole I love. No milk, no cheese. And I know milk is gross. No, no, no. I love milk though. Lucky charms with some whole milk in it. Eat my ass, bitch. You know what I do? You know, you cereal. I use cream. I use, I use cream with everything. I don't do milk anymore. How about that, bitch? How about that? You fucking bitch. Cornflakes with light cream with half and half every day. Every day. Do you like silk? Almond silk? Nope. It's a little watery for cereal. Oat milk is dirty water.

Oat milk is dirty water. I poured a bunch of dirty water in it. I had a lovely little dark roast cafe coffee and I said, Oh shit, every night, a half and half. No problem. I got oatmeal in the fridge. No big problem. I pour a bunch of dirty water in that coffee. It stays black. It stays black. That's tough. Fuck off.

Had a huge like nuclear meltdown. Do you drink coffee in the morning? Yes, I do. You make your own? Yes. Okay. That's amazing because David drinks coffee every day and it doesn't make. You have to. He's got to tap into the fucking. That's what I thought. David, we have this new house. Wouldn't you rather be able to make it at home? And you can make it exactly the way that you want.

That's the fierce thing. I do the drip coffee with half and half, but I'll tell you, nuclear meltdowns on the days that I forget that I ran out of half and half. Because I can't just waddle out of my house and go to the store like I used to be able to do. Get delivery.

It's so wasteful. It's so crazy. It's so insane. Alfred coffee makes this rosy black tea. It's a black tea with rose in it. That's lovely. Floral black tea. Yeah. Oh yeah. But do you do, do you do like Earl gray flower or the blue flower? Earl gray. I've never had that. Oh, it's sensational. Sensational. All those loose leaf black teas. Fucking nasty.

I try not to bring too much hot black tea anymore because my big fake veneers stay white forever. My bottom teeth turn a, let's say, zombie gray. And I know that because of my YouTube videos, people are like, time for bottom veneers, you fucking ugly bitch. YouTube is the meanest place in the world. I swear to God. I used to think you had good skin. What happened? They're so wild. They are. What is that? My weight loss, the comments. Why don't you eat? I'm like, why don't you eat, you skinny fuck bitch?

It's really, YouTube is wild. Why do they like that? What is it about YouTube, specifically YouTube, that lends itself to such a graveyard of fucking... Twitter brings you back to your Twitter. Instagram, you can click on your name, go back to your Instagram. YouTube is just...

Usually a faceless account where you watch videos from. So there's a lot more freedom. It's a public forum. Anonymity. There's less accountability. That's unfair. I think we can all agree Twitter's the worst. We can all agree Instagram is second. Twitter's the worst. YouTube comments are the most. No one's watching a full YouTube video unless they like you. Why would they be there?

Somebody might scroll Twitter and find an unpopular comment and say, fuck you. That's true. No one's watching. No one's in your comments unless they watch your videos. 30 minutes. Yeah. 30 years of hits. And people do watch. I was at the Priscilla premiere the other day. Benny Drama goes, oh my God, I really needed your video the other day. The video of you at the motel. I was watching. I said, Benny Drama, you were watching my YouTube videos. Like I watch all of them. And I said, do you wear makeup? Why do you watch a makeup video? He's like, I don't know. Oh.

A lot of people watch makeup videos who don't even wear makeup. Yeah, no, I can see that. I think it's like Bob Ross, happy trees. Yeah. Yeah. It's also, it's pretty, it's splashy. And there's a, there's a before, middle and after there's a journey and you know, you can tell how long it is. 11 minutes. I got 11 minutes. Great. Absolutely. Honey, I watched, um, I watched a bunch of fucking, you know what I watched? I watched train videos, trains, trains on the track, trains on the track. Doing what? Going through train tracks.

Whoop, whoop, whoop. In the bridge. Around the corner. Under the bridge. In the sun. In the rain. Around the corner. Just driving? Just training. Whoop, whoop. Now, do you like... I love these videos that are like...

Cozy jazz music in a cafe during the winter in Cincinnati the night your mom died. It's always so specific. Paul Abdul's B-Sides playing softly from a car that's dying on fire. Yeah, totally. It's so specific. It's like Michael Bolton from another room while your grandfather confronts your grandmother about the personal loan she took in 1986. It's so fucking crazy. And the more specific they are, I love –

There's this band I love called Beach Bunny. They have this song called, I think, Sports. There was one channel I saw that was like,

It's three and a half hours of the song sports by beach bunny, but it's in another room during the rain. I was like, who are these young queer people uploading this stuff? Uploading the weirdest shit. I mean, YouTube is like, it is, I think it occurred to me the day because I was watching the 2023 worlds and I didn't even register. I was on YouTube. It popped up and I was like, okay, the entire women's competition free of ads.

Of course I do. Of course I do. Listen, there's two things in this world I stand by. YouTube premium. Wow presents plus $4 a month, $5 a month. Yeah. Even just for, uh, that's a good deal. It's a good deal. It's a good deal. YouTube premium is worth every, every, every, when I'm, when I'm not logged into my, cause I have like my, my Kachi account has, does not have YouTube premium. It's my like personal account that does. If I'm on like somebody else's, whatever. And an ad pops up, I'm like,

Why don't you just fuck me in the ass with a knife? With a knife up the ass. Knife up the ass. If I'm trying to watch like a beauty YouTuber's apology video and I get a Clorox ad, I leave the room. If I'm doing psychedelics and I have 60 mega gigahertz of like flying to the moon, you know what I mean? I don't want to do a Clarel ad right before. If I'm trying to watch a fucking, I don't know, we're going to order cakes from

one star bakeries and five star bakeries and compare and contrast. Something I love is cut to an ad and then it's like, I said, I now have to smash the computer and I have to find this woman's home and kill her.

I get rage. I rage out. That could be its own video. Trixie Mattel gets an ad in another room during the rain on the 4th of July during protests. How does her gunfire and fireworks, how to differentiate? Your father watching Roseanne in the living room while your mother discusses the divorce in a hushed voice on her Nokia in 2004. Yeah.

In Korean. Like they're too specific. It's so good. It used to be like lo-fi beats to study to. Have you ever watched that? Of course. That is a very consistent channel where the comments, that's like a chat room where people are chatting all day on that channel. And also, but the ones that are like happiness frequency or like chakra release frequency, those comment sections are exclusively uniquely positive. Yeah.

They're all like sending love and light. I was like, whoever's watching this, I hope you have the best day. 450 million likes on the, on the comment. Now, what do you make of YouTube comments? What do you make of the comment? First,

That to me is up there with the girl. Get a life, bitch. Get a life, bitch. Well, you know, my brother's in prison. Really? Why? He commented on a YouTube video first. I would go, he fucking deserved it. I hope he rots in there. I swear to God. That is so fucking offensive to me. First. And you know, for a while, Wild Cousins Plus was commenting first on their own videos just to fuck with people. But it's so crazy.

That's so crazy. Whoever reads this, I hope you have a lovely life and I hope you need to hear this today. That's a little less crazy. At least you're spreading positivity. No, it's positive. And sometimes late at night I would go through them and I'd try to comb for a bad one. Couldn't find one. I was like, wow. On the happiness frequency or the chakra release videos or whatever. These gigahertz or whatever kind of ambient videos.

The best is when it's our content and the comments are like, this show used to be so good. Now they just retell stories and laugh. I'm like, where have you been? That's all we've ever done. And they weren't good then. The stories don't get better the more we tell them. Or the longer ago it happened, the more fuzz I am on what happened. Now they're just hearing fish stories. Thank you. So first you were in the same room as Oprah. Now the story is that you met her. Now you're saying you were married to her for six and a half years. Like,

You're fucking stretching the truth, bitch. I know. It's fierce. It's fierce. YouTube is a fun place. YouTube is amazing. I love YouTube. I love it too. When I was, I was thinking back when I was fucking 16, I would have now 16, 16 year olds now have access to every single recorded gymnastics video.

routine ever. What would have happened to you if that happened? I don't know. It would have been a whole different story. I probably would have never left the room. Do you remember when you got like high speed internet? Do you remember when you got the type of internet where you could click a YouTube video and immediately play? I don't remember. I remember my first day of college, I'd never had wifi in my life. I'd never experienced wifi. I was like, how do you get internet? And they're like, it's in the air. And I was like,

whatever bitch right yeah so i'm in the dorm i log into my wi-fi and i remember loading in a youtube video and seeing the bar fill i could watch it immediately and being like holy shit so i'm never leaving this yeah yeah yeah i mean a lot to get through i don't know like i honestly i don't know what i would have done i mean i would have watched every video here's what i've watched every video and if you have youtube premium like i do i think you also have access to youtube music which is like oh yeah if you want to hear a song

Watch the YouTube video. And also something else great about YouTube premium is you can watch a video, turn off your phone and the sound will still play. If you want to hear a podcast or a song. That's true. It's YouTube premium. So worth it. I don't even know how much it is now. I think it's like $12. I think it's like $12. I think it would be worth it.

I think it'd be worth 50. I'm going to say 25. If you watch a lot of YouTube, I watch YouTube every day. It's worth $50. It's so worth it. We're not sponsored. Nope. But YouTube, I guess we are on YouTube. Yeah. Whatever. YouTube is great. Also not to be whatever about it.

In entertainment, so many walls are put up by rich, white, straight men who tell other people, you're not mainstream enough. You're not whatever. On YouTube, if you have a microphone and a camera and whatever iMovie. A dream. You can just make, basically run your own little mini TV channel. It's fierce. You get your own ad money, do your own content. It's amazing. I love doing YouTube. John McLean.

Of course. Films. Films. They're going to watch this. Incredible. Incredible. Films. Get into it. I wait for him to say films. Films. Films. It's so fierce. It's so fierce. No other place. YouTube.com. YouTube. YouTube is wild. The beauty world on YouTube. It's a whole other. I mean, I'm a little sliver part of that, but it's a whole other.

It's a whole landscape. It's a whole landscape. It's a whole industry. Yeah. Also the politics of views going up and down and the types of content, the Mr. Beast of it all, the giving away Lamborghinis of it all. Lamborghinis of it all. I was like, oh really on Ellen, what you gave away Jennifer Love Hewitt's book. Yeah. Well, Mr. Beast gave my mom Mars. Yeah. He's giving away $400,000 cars. Yes. Pack it up, Ellen. You know,

Anyways. And then some of these YouTube channels are so big, they are a mini TV station. No, they actually are. They have dozens of employees. Yeah. It's empires. Little empires. Yeah. And with one misstep, they can get torpedoed. It's fierce. It's fierce. It's a push and pull because on YouTube, there's a level of intimacy where people believe they know you. So if you let them down, they feel like they've almost let themselves down. And they're going to let you know about it. Whereas like, I don't know if...

They confirm that the owner of Jimmy John's is poaching big game. Yeah. You're probably still going to eat a sandwich and not think twice about it. Right. If the owner of a huge makeup brand had a different political view than you, you probably would still buy that mascara. Yeah. But if it's like a YouTube channel, an indie channel, an indie brand... Yeah. They're like, show me the fucking tax returns now, you pig. It's really...

But that's the benefit of YouTube is the level of intimacy. People feel like they're in the room with you. Show me the tax returns, you pig. Fuck. YouTube, man. Well, I love it.

I love it. I love it. If you haven't subscribed to the Trixie and Kati channel on YouTube, or if you're listening in the car, you can always watch us on the YouTube. And you can subscribe to my channel, even though I have not uploaded anything in quite a while and will continue to not do so in quite a while. But still. Time flies on YouTube. But you can go back. Honey, there's all there. Watch my music videos. They're fierce.

They're hunting. I was talking to my editor, Nick, and I said, Nick, you and I have been working together so long. How many videos do you think we've done? 50? 40? 40? 50? He texted me back the next day. We've done over 300. I said. Talk about it. But the time flies. You know how many episodes of Uh there are? 116. No, it's like 250 or something, girl. Really? Yes. We've been doing that shit for like eight years. And we will continue to do it. What if we do it for 10 years? I think we should. I had a dream that we had an Emmy.

So I had a dream that I coordinated with like as a present for you. For some reason, you were kind of out to lunch and I was like in bed with the Emmy board committee and I was like, you're so surprised because I was like, we're going to the Emmys. And I was like, you told me like, you want to go to the Emmys? I was like, yeah. In drag? He's like, yeah. And I looked cunt. I was like,

I had like a blonde ponytail with a black. So it's really a dream. It was a dream. A black leather bustier dress with black leather gloves, not sweating. A dream. A fantasy. We looked cunt. So cunt getting images. And then we went and you cried.

If we ever won an enemy, I know you're supposed to be poised. No, you, you cry. I would get up to them. I would say, I know. None of you fuckers thought this would happen for us. I can know it. And y'all can eat shit. You fat pig. You fat pig. And we'll see you next year. We'll see you next year. Like, by the way, I just want an award. This is not part of it. Uh, the,

What the hell is that? This is the American Reality Television Awards. Trixie Motel won the Outstanding Documentary Series. What is that? A little receiver? A little television. Cute. I couldn't believe it. Isn't that fun? Welcome. Anyway, that wasn't related. I put it here to show it to you and then I forgot about it. Oh, that's fun. I love that. This is a fun award. We can win an Emmy someday. No, I think we're going to. I think we're going to do it until we get to Emmy. You're not supposed to want it, though. No, you're not.

You're supposed to be like, no, never, no, not us. You pay your publicist a quarter million dollars to launch an Emmy campaign and then you go, I didn't even want that. Yeah, exactly. I was like, that was the whole thing in the dream was like the politics of this was like, I think I had slept with someone who was like on the board or something. That's our only way. Yeah. Yeah. Anyways. You think that exposing your naked body to someone's going to make them give us an award?

Okay. What's going to happen is you're going to have to die. I know. Oh, I know. Posthumous. If we did a season of uh, and then we tried to get nominated and you, even though it's fake, disappear. And I have to go up there and I go, I wish she was here. And then I fly in. Rubber band. Fly for the back of the roof. So what? I snatch it and I go back. Yes. And straight through the wall and there's a cutout of you.

That's fierce. Ooh, there ain't no other way. That's fierce. All right. Bye.