From the Equator to Your Posterior with Trixie and Katya
43:58 Share

Hey. Hey. Hey. I want to start off. I made a mental note of what to talk about when I was in the shower. Oh, good. First of all. Hello. You showered. Let's celebrate that. Wow. The studio does smell. The studio today does smell like a dead cat. Shut the fuck up. And does. Shut the fuck up.

It smells like you took it. What is that? Lipstick on a pig? A soap on a dead cat. That's why I think you have so much taxidermy in your house. You're like, oh, that dead animal smell? Oh, that's her. That's Beth. That's Beth right there. Yeah. Beth the boar with the babushka thing. You know about her. Yeah. You know about her. Love her. Love her. Love her.

What are we going to talk about? We're talking about music. Really? Makes the people come together. 40 years of hits. 40 years of hits, bitch. What do you mean I should go on tour with 40 years of hits? I don't think you dare me to go on tour with 40 years of hits. You dare me to go on tour with 40 years of hits. Show my fucking pussy in the supermarket in Dubai, bitch. Bitch.

So wait, wait. In the shower. So my mom, I want to talk about the desire for musicality. Sure. Even in the midst or in spite of the lack of it. Like, for example, somebody who can't sing, is tone deaf, can't carry a tune, belting at the top of their lungs in their car. I'm talking, of course, about me. Like.

Because they're so wrapped up in the thrill of the musical adventure. Yeah. In the shower. Well, what's a bigger sin in singing? Like singing poorly or singing without passion? Sing without passion. At least you're singing with passion. I'm singing with the passion of Andrea Bocelli. Yeah. That's why like drunk people doing karaoke is so fun because- Because they're in it to win it. They're at the Super Bowl. They're in it to win it. It's Gaga catching that football and jumping off at the Super Bowl. Somebody jumping off a bar. Yeah. You throw them your left shoe and they grab it and just-

Remember that? Do you know about this? Yeah. No, what are you doing? Gaga at the Super Bowl, she shimmies down the, she jumps. When she jumps. And then she shimmies. Yeah, I love that. It's very strange. Very strange. But my mother is an example of this. When I was growing up, my mom, she would belt out, and I don't know where these things came from.

There were little phrases like I think I've told you before. My mother, she told me to open the door, but I didn't want to. I opened the door. I fell on the floor. A crazy old man from China. No explanation. No idea. Or she used to sing. I don't love my son. No explanation. My son is a gay fag and I want him to die. No. But she would scream it. And I think it annoyed my dad a little bit sometimes. But she was just so like I inherited that from her.

Thankfully, I don't live with four other people. And I can do it alone. But boy, do I do it. Well, that didn't stop her. Right. People are not going to get in your way when it comes to the thrill and the passion of musicality in your heart. Although you do live in the house. The houses are close together. They're close together. Depending on how much you're yelling, people might hear that. I think people. Okay, this is the other thing I want to talk about. Are we both moving? We might be moving. I think I'm going to move.

I think I'm going to move because I feel so vulnerable. I know. So out in the open. Having my own house, I weirdly felt safer in a condo building. I don't know why. It's not about safety. I just don't know. I know people are looking at me. No, you know what it is?

No, they're not. No, they're not. Do you know body double peepers? You know about peepers with binoculars? Drone cameras? Get into it. You think they're looking at you? There's footage of me. It's online. You live in the Hollywood Hills. It's online. It's Chloe Sweeney. It's Sydney Sweeney. Yeah, yeah. You think they're using their drone batteries to come look at you? A 41-year-old crusty. You think they want to see a fucking 7-Eleven churro deep fried doing bench presses in the basement? They don't fucking care about you, bitch.

Nobody buys a drone. They do. I know they do. I know they don't. I asked all of them. But you saw, but you didn't see the footage on YouTube uploaded. Fully loaded. Fully loaded. Do you ever push out a load? Oh baby. What about pushing out the load? People want to see it. Shut the fuck up for a minute. Shut up. You're going to turn my stomach. You're going to turn my stomach. In porn they won't comment. They won't comment on the person unless they pull out and then push it out. We still need to see the load.

Mary, I need to go back to Pilgrim Times. Yeah. It's got to be Pilgrim Times again. Do you know what I did today before I got in the shower and thought about musicality? Tell me. I shut the door to the spiritual realm of pornography. Yeah. I started to jerk off to porn and I shut the door. I said, no, not today.

Why? Because I was like, enough is enough sometimes. It doesn't have to be about, I don't want to see 35 loads getting pushed out of some guy's ass. You want to see 40 years of hits. I want to hear 40 years of hits. 40 years of loads. Don't spray it. No, I don't.

You got to look for a specific thing. No, no, no, no, no, no. I did. I did. I did. I did. But sometimes you look for, I looked for this guy, the straight porn star. His name is Christian clay. He's an Italian man bald with a huge dong, huge dong, huge, hard dong. It curves in just a very tantalizing way. It's huge. Okay. It's not enormous, but it's certainly big. And he's a very good looking man.

Looks about 45 years old. Let's just say that if he went to Beetlejuice with Bobert, she'd get a workout. Mama, she'd have to use both hands and an elbow. She'd have to like, you know. Yeah. Yeah. And you could hang. Actually, his dick would be perfect to hang on from one hand from a cliff. Wow. That's a dick you want to grab if you're sliding down the mountain. I think that would hurt for him. Yeah. I don't know. Try mix.

Lately, I'm into very specific scenarios such as I'm jerking off in a car and I get caught. But of course, they don't get caught. They know someone's going to... Or they go somewhere where they know other people are going to look for jerk offers. Oh.

Oh, it's a cruising thing. I would never participate in a public sex, but lately I'm like, what about her? What is she doing over there? You know, I recently, the victimless crime, except for the fact that you're flashing strangers. Yeah. Yeah. Except that it is public, whatever, except it's a crime. Um, I recently went on sniffies, paid for it and then canceled it. Good for you. Thank you. You closed the door to the spiritual realm. I said not today. And also guess what else I did? I can't, I canceled and deleted my only fans account. Not my, my, uh, what do you call it? Not my creator account. Yeah. My subscription account.

Cause I'm not trying to do all that. And so many porn people will go bankrupt because you are no longer supporting them. I literally, it's like, it's like, um, JP Morgan, Chase just like exited the financial sector. Yes. Yeah. Chase, Time Warner just shut down Hollywood. There's another writer's strike. There's a blackout in Times Square.

Because you're not. Viacom decided to shut its doors. Literally, people are hungry right now. What's going on with the writer's strike? It's over now? They said they struck a deal. The WGA said there's a tentative deal with the Women's Golf Association. Yeah, thank God. The WNBA now is back at the table with the ASPCA. With their own list of demands. And those demands are longer because they're taller. So the scroll is longer. All those animals.

You know, ASPCA? They got cats, dogs, chickens, everything. But so anyways, back to the song in my heart. I have a great idea that gives...

That gives me hope for the future. There's other people in Los Angeles and they drive cars sometimes. That's what you just heard. I'm just used to pausing for helicopters. No, you live in the hills now. You're like, what? What is all this traffic? No, you're joking. No, I jogged by your house the other day. Mama, it's a fucking freeway. It's like, it's freeway. But you know what I realized? You and I complained about people jogging on the Hollywood Hills. The other day, I did the Hollywood Reservoir by myself and jogged by your house to go home. And I was like, I'm going to get by a car. Absolutely. There's no sidewalk. Where's your wooden? Where's your neon baton?

It was at that moment I knew I was going to beat this bitch up. I'm going to beat that bitch up. That's so fierce. I don't even know what she's talking about. What about Demi Lovato? So something very, a couple of really important things happened to me personally recently. Number one, I deleted that thing. I also, what did I do? There was something else that I did, but I can't quite remember. But too much porn, too much jacking off, too much chopping it up. And then, um,

I, um, oh, and then I have an idea for a thing that I want to do that makes me not want to kill myself. What is it? I don't want to say. Let's take a break. Let's take a break, shall we?

Today's episode is brought to you by Angie. Angie has made it easier than ever to connect with skilled professionals to get all your jobs and projects done well. Let me tell you, there's the version of it where you try to do something at home and then there's a version of it where you have someone help you, you watch them do it the right way and you go, thank God I didn't try to do that myself.

I have fully done things around the home that I think look good and then a bang in the night and I wake up to a shelf collapsing, a painting falling off the wall. Like it, I've seen it all go south. I own a home and I can tell you, I know how much work it can take. Whether it's everyday maintenance and repairs or making dream projects a reality, it can be hard just to know where to start. But now all you need to do is Angie that and find a skilled local pro who will deliver the quality and expertise you need.

Whatever your home project, big or small, indoor or outdoor, you can Angie that and connect with skilled professionals to get the project done well. Right now, one of my wish lists is I want a bike for my condo in Milwaukee and I would love to rig it up on a pulley in the ceiling because I have one of those like lofted ceilings.

but I'm so scared to try that on my own. Angie has 20 years of home experience and they've combined it with new tools to simplify the whole process. Bring them your project online or with the Angie app. Answer a few questions and Angie can handle the rest from start to finish or help you compare quotes from multiple pros and connect instantly, which means you can take care of any home project in just a few taps.

Because when it comes to getting the most out of your home, you can do this when you Angie that. Download the free Angie mobile app today or visit Angie.com. That's A-N-G-I dot com.

The Bald and the Beautiful is supported by FX's English Teacher. From Paul Sims, the executive producer that brought you What We Do in the Shadows, FX's English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school.

I cannot wait to see this amazing new show with the preternaturally hysterical Brian Jordan Alvarez. It's from the producer of one of the greatest TV shows of all time. And can I let you in on a little secret? A certain Miss Trixie Mattel makes a guest appearance on the show and whoa, it is a sight to behold. Take it from me, a connoisseur of quality television programming. You do not want to miss this show. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

And we're back. And we're back. Oh my God. So happy to see you.

I'm happy to see you. You know, I, uh, but you did the, I've had a podcast that I did too. And it just came out so fun. Right. Those ladies are Mary. They chop it up. Yeah. They're chopping it up. They're us. Uh, they're so funny. They're so delightful. I it's, it happens so quickly. Like I discovered them. I consumed all of like a bunch of their media. And then I became a guest on their show so quickly that it was very surreal. Yeah. You know what I mean? Um, I was like, wait a minute. I just, I just mentioned your name last night and now I'm on the show. It's seriously to me.

I think I liked one of their TikToks and was like, guess what? You're on the show, bitch. They're so fucking funny. But I feel so bad because one of the main, one of my things I've had it with that I mentioned, and I forget if it was pumps or the other woman, they went on a tangent about hating flowers. And all I could think of is J.K.L. And how much, I mean, I mentioned that I have a friend who's a florist, but she went on a diatribe about how,

Fucking flowers. I love flowers. I know you do. And I mentioned that because I, and I said, I got you flowers and she loves flowers. What was your, I've had it. Um, I've had it with body hair in general, having it, it existing, honey. That's the other thing I'm, I forgot. I've been lasering at home. Okay. Okay.

I have a laser you should use. It's called 5150. My name is Torlina and I've come in to check into the- What are you using? No, what are you- The Legend Hotel on Coanga. No, you're in bed with a blanket pulled up to your neck with a laser pointer pointing it at your feet. Those are hobbit feet. Very close. What's the vibe? The vibe is the foot. I start from the bottom. We're going in on the ground floor. It's an IPL, intense photo light laser, something. Yes.

That you can, I'm not going to shout out the brand because I don't know if they fucking work. I don't know if it's a piece of shit. It might be. I know which brand you're talking about. They sent it to me and I looked into it. I did a lot of research. They sent it to you? I surely bought it with my own American dollars. They sent it to me and I looked into it and it didn't have enough proven results. Of course not. The best results I could find was a YouTube review being like, after 10 months, my arm hair is now light blonde and finer.

It doesn't make the hair disappear, but it does make it like bleaching your asshole hair rather than shaving it off It will make your arm here. Let's say go from thick arm here to light fair peach fuzz I can deal with that which is better than because prickly isn't fun either. How about how about um Waxy thick black. Yeah, not good. You think you have black arm here? I don't but i'm not talking about my arm right? So i'm talking about my feet so

So what happened was I shaved the foot. I did an exfoliating thing. I did a whole little self-care foot thing, like Jesus washing the feet. And then I shaved them. And then I did the laser. It was like maybe 20 minutes out of my life that I enjoyed that might not bear fruit in terms of hair removal. You go like one inch at a time and it flashes, right? Yeah. Boop.

It's kind of like, yeah, yeah. It kind of feels like a very light rubber band snapping. Oh, very light because I've had that IPL facial. You know what that feels like? It's bad, huh? It feels like somebody's taking an ice pick with a mallet and chipping into your fucking face. Really? And of course they go, you might feel some discomfort. She said, well, Lori, love her. Um, I did it with her once. Never again. Um, she's fabulous, but, uh,

She's like, there is some discomfort. It feels like a rubber band. Mary, I don't know what it is about me, but around the nose, under the eye, it does feel like a rubber band. The nostril's tough. It feels like a rubber band, but it feels like a...

Like they're really slapping you. The other place it's the hardest is the top of the hairline because there's no fat. It's just skin and skull. Also, they have to do it twice. Oh shit. So once she went over the whole thing and I was like, oh, we're good. We're done. She's like, now we're going to do it again. I was like, Lori, I don't think I can do that. I don't think I can do it.

I'd rather do the vampire facial or anything else. The vampire's fine. I'd rather her fuck me in the ass with a fucking dry dildo. The vampire's fine. I get like three a year. I'm kind of overdue. I stopped getting Botox, though. I don't care for it.

I don't think it makes me look younger. It just makes my face move less. It's not going to make you look younger. It's going to, you're going to have, you won't have lines. I don't understand why less expressions means young. It doesn't. It doesn't. It doesn't. I don't feel younger. I go, wow, my forehead doesn't move. Look, it's like a party trick. Nicole Kidman looks like she's either 70 or 170 or 50 or whatever. Jennifer Jason Leigh. But,

but that's pump i'm talking the frozen um but no no i get it because when i wear the lace front wig the love of my life wig it does help with sweat create no creasing uh because i have an animated i have a broad expressive register i don't know if you noticed yeah and i get the makeup creases instantly and you can't do redo those with derma blend yeah you can't today i watched a tiktok about um giving yourself a facelift using filler and i was like i'm not

They were like, you pump a bunch of filler here. You pump it in yourself? No, no. You go to the doctor, they pump it here and it lifts here. I'm not buying it. So I talked to Lori about that. You're still adding mass on parts of your face. I talked to Lori about that. You don't need that big faces and heads. Being a bald bitch, like there's the, like, you know how like there's this, it's the opposite of like buckle fat removal. It's like, if you want to puffy your face out, a lot of people will do filler here. Baldies? Baldies.

There's no hairline to kind of like guide or like be the border for it to disguise it essentially. So like there's, she said it's too risky. It might look weird. So I didn't do it, but I got it in my balls. I'm really over. Um, I'm, I'm feeling very hippie dippy. I'm feeling very, uh,

the best way to look your best is flatly water, diet, and exercise. It just is. Sleepwater vitamin C. It just is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's the base though. That's the base. If you don't have that foundation, what are you doing?

I don't know. I mean, I have had a new relationship with food. I don't have... I'm not hungry like I used to be. And so now when I eat, I eat like closer to probably how you eat where you're eating for strategy. You're playing the long game. I'm like, give me my rice brick, my piece of broccolini, and my ginger shot. Yeah. I've never in my life though, and this is something a lot of people can't relate to. I've never eaten once I'm... Once my hunger is gone, I stop. Like there's never...

I never overeat. It's almost too rich. A little too sweet. But, you know, like I understand that feeling like with drugs or alcohol, whatever, but I don't want to eat. Like we got to do it. Let's get this done and let's get back to business, which could be laying down, you know, anything, anything other than eating. Yeah. I don't enjoy eating very much.

I feel that now. I don't really get hungry now. You don't get hungry? Well, it's all the fen-fen you're taking. Yeah. Booty bumping. I haven't gotten hungry. And so now when it's food time, I'm playing to win. I'm like, let's get a salad, a glass of water, and a protein. If we're actually going to do this, this could be my food for the day. So let's do it right.

When I make breakfast every morning, I usually have like two eggs, three strips of vegetarian bacon, and one thin slice of toast. That's plenty. That's nice. Vegetarian bacon is turnt. Yeah.

Yeah, that could be the case. I'm not familiar with it. But my breakfast, I will say, I do wake up starving every day. I'd be waking up starving. But you eat fucking oatmeal. Yes, I do. And you can wipe that shitty face off your head right now. Who wakes up and is like, oh, it's oatmeal time. Mama, I do. That's me. Hello. Hi. I go, and I waltz with a boner into the kitchen. I make my little coffee. Not little. Huge pot of coffee. Trough. My trough of coffee. A truck.

backs up and dumps six tons of beans into a sauna. And you get in whole first. And you give yourself a coffee and you have a coffee and somebody asked, Oh God, I'm going to have a heart attack. Somebody asked me if they should get one. Somebody asked me if they should get one. And I'm not joking. And I wanted to reach through the phone and grab their neck.

And shake them There was an intervention We're not doing coffee enema I remember hearing a RuPaul interview about enema Do you remember that? Yes She was like Halfway serious Halfway joking No it was so earnest It was like You have to And I was like No you don't You fucking don't You don't Here's a fun fact That can be corroborated Or whatever By any medical professional Worth something We don't need to put anything up her ass It's Adam and Eve Not Adam and coffee With Folgers up the butt

- Okay. - Listen, you don't need that. - No. - Impact, if you have an impacted bowel, you need to talk to an MD. - Right. - You need to talk to a medical professional in a hospital. - Well, I have one of those shower shots and I hook it up to just decaf. So I don't feel anything. - Instant coffee. - But the whites of my eyes turn dark brown.

And I get irritable. The best part of waking up is bulges in your butt. Now, what do you think about espresso people? Back to musicality. What do you think about espresso people? I think those people are Italian. Because some people eat espresso just poured over ice. Okay, that's disgusting to me. That's wild to me. I think it's called an Americano. Americano. It's espresso with water. Get the fuck out of my house. Some people drink espresso with water.

Fizzy water. I've learned this as well. But listen, hey. Cracky. Crack Tina. Look in the mirror. Clean the Coke off the mirror. And then look in it, Janine. You wash that down with your...

You think it's cracky? Yes. Okay. Yes. I like, listen, I'm a drip coffee girl. I don't grind my own beans. I like, I have a very low threshold for what it was, what is good for me, but like a strong cup of drip coffee with tons of cream and a lot of sugar. Yeah. It's really just an excuse to have milk and sugar. Can I tell you about a drug? Yeah. Okay. I'm not like selling it to you. This isn't, this isn't, I am. Okay.

I have Herbalife. No. What about Herbalife? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Back to coffee enemas. We have to really shut this door. Please, at home. We're not one of those podcasts because so many podcasts out there are just two stupid fucking idiots talking about nothing they know about and trying to give advice. Just say less culture, Ristas. I'm just kidding. No, seriously. Do you know about this? The fact that there are a million podcasts out there, people giving advice,

Like, don't wash your baby. Use its shit. Eat it with a feed it with its own shit. Like that. Like we started doing your baby. These white people don't have a baby. That's my advice. I have a baby. Don't see a doctor. Just go to a woman in the woods. I see this woman named Nancy and she feeds it its own shit. She's never been happier. And they're like, everyone should do this. Like people. It's like lymphoma. Just drink your urine. Exactly. But coffee stings. Be stings. Absolutely. Now there are, we can't deny, of course, that there, there are a ton of,

Maladies and illnesses and afflictions that we don't have the answers for yet. And there are natural remedies. For example, perhaps headache sometimes.

Menthol or like a menthol cigarette. No. When you have a headache, sometimes like a peppermint oil on the temple can be soothing. Lavender on the pillow. Yeah, there's real remedies. Valerian root. And then there's like the LA version where it's like just shove the jade course up your urethra. Yeah. You put the moonstone up your ass, the jade in your pussy hole, and then you sound your fucking husband's dick with a pipe cleaner. And then you're ready for your home birth. I was on home birth TikTok for a while. I told you about that.

Oh. Learned a lot. Learned a lot. I learned a lot. Are you a Badula Ablangada now? I'm a, I'm a doula. Yeah. She ill. Doula doula bills. Sorry. My name is Erica Badu, AKA she ill. I don't know how I ended up on it, but I did learn a lot about it. Okay. Wait, wait,

So you mean you watched a lot of home births on TikTok? I think I got one and watched it. And then TikTok was like, so we noticed you watched one. What about 17 more? That's how TikTok works. I know. I still know you did. Here's more. And this woman was like, of course, it's a woman and a man, you know, a Miss Nasty. I know what you did and what you like. Would you like to see more? And by the way, I'm going, yes, you know, I

I wish you could swipe right on TikToks. I guess that's liking it. Okay. Swiping right means you like it. Swiping left means get out of here. Yeah. And what I wasn't ready for is the home birth was happening in front of the other children. And the other children were like, mom, look what I did. I caught a butterfly, whatever. And the mom is like- And mom is pushing out another sibling. The mom is doubled over screaming. And it's all very open door policy. It's all very, you're watching your mom give birth, which-

It's probably healthy. I don't know. Seeing birth young is probably good about destigmatizing birth. You know what I mean? Well, I'm going to say it's not unhealthy. No, no, no. Not at all. Right? Because, I mean, it's like you came out of your mom's pussy. What's up with that? And I'm not sure we all need to consider birth as hospital only. Like, I don't know.

I just never considered that people really do do it at home and they do it in front of their kids and husband. It's just a vibe. The doula mama, the doula oblongata. They get the kiddie pool. They get the whole thing going. But of course, you know, there are the doulas and don't las of giving birth at home. Number one, get ready to drop. Number one, get ready to have a huge, get ready to shit in a kiddie pool in your living room.

Yeah. And then I saw a husband. He had a bunch of diapers and he because people and poop. And I'm so when you're pushing out, pushing out, what do you think? Shit. Yes. Flying out of that asshole because it's a home birth. It's a family affair. It's all hands on deck. Does he have one of those skimmers like in the pool to get the turds out? No, he's sort of like wiping. He's sort of like you're doing good. You're doing. I mean, husbands are so useless during that. Get out of it. Go, go, go, go to the legend hotel and chop it up or something.

I just didn't know how common it was. I didn't really know how common it was. And maybe TikTok makes it seem more common now. I think it is. I mean, doulas are a thing. Also, it's a very widely contested among the medical community. Of course. I bet some people are like, it's the only way to go. And some people are like, never. I don't know. I'll never personally physically have a baby. So I don't really have a say. Well, I think you probably might change your tune once I get your present. But as a man who will not have a baby, I'm not going to.

I think I have every right to weigh in about when and how women give and legislate. Absolutely. I will put to the taxpayer dollar to make sure every woman is given a small kiddie pool for her living room. I couldn't tell you how many or locate the holes in a woman's body, but I sure will legislate what she can do with them. The way I see it, there's three holes. That's why we have triplets. Let's take a break.

And we're back. We're back with Dr. Dula Abagbada. Oh, I did have something to tell you. Wait, wait, wait. Back to musicality. You didn't let me finish. So I wanted to...

Oh, like the other day, like my rattle was, he's a Yankee Doodle dandy. And I like it's, you know, these things from childhood. But my version for some reason is like, and I don't even think about it. It's like reflexive. It's like Yankee Doodle came to town riding on a pony, stuck a feather up my ass and called me macaroni. That's not what it is. I know, but I couldn't figure out what it was. And I didn't have the time to Google it. Stuck a feather in his hat.

Up my ass? In his hat. In his hat. And? Called it macaroni. He called it macaroni? I guess. I mean, I wasn't there. Yankee Doodle came to town riding on- That sounds very Massachusetts. Yankee Doodle was probably Massachusetts, right? Yankee Doodle came to town sliding on bologna. Yankee Doodle. Stuck a pillow up my ass and called me pepperoni? That's not it. That's not it. But I think it would be fun. What I know is that rhyming is healthy. It's free rhyming.

It's one of the only things the government doesn't tax you for is nursery rhymes. Okay, so can I ask you this? Poetry, I understand that there's many forms of it. And one of my favorite part about song writing or song listening music is when lyrics rhyme. Yeah. Because poems, with the rhythm and the sound of rhyming poetry is...

exquisite. Sure. And it can have like layers and layers of depth of meaning because of the rhyming. Right. Because it's hard to rhyme. So it's a skill. When we kind of let that go and, you know, didn't forbid it, like it didn't make it required. I feel like we haven't returned to it in earnest. Rhyming? Rhyming. Well, do you know what scansion? I don't know. So in music, scansion is, so let's say the word is somebody.

The rhythm of that is "babada", somebody. It's not somebody. Right, right, right. Babada. So bad scansion, good scansion is where the song is written in a way that it sounds like the way you'd really say it. Right. Now this happens. Yeah, this happens with languages where stress is indicated clearly on one syllable. It's about stress, right? So some songs have bad scansion, but it's part of the hook. So like Katy Perry, Firework, she says, "Stuck on a..."

roller coaster you wouldn't say stuck on a roller coaster you'd say stuck on a roller coaster stuck on a roller coaster stuck on but then one of the most famous versions of it is somebody wants to right somebody somebody so bad scansion but sometimes bad scansion is on purpose and it makes like a hook because it's so weird to hear you're not gonna be like somebody what it doesn't work right

Right. Interesting. No, it is interesting. And it happens in Russian too, because in Russian, sometimes there's one major stress on every word and it's like non-negotiable. Like it's like, and sometimes the words will be so long. They'll have like 10 syllables, but still one stress. And it's usually where you don't want it to be. Like, you know, they say Vladimir Nabokov, Nabokov.

Nabokov. It's not Nabokov. Vladimir Nabokov. Nabokov. You say like Vladimir. Labada. Labada. Oh, it's Labada. So if you don't have the right stress, it's really the wrong fucking word. It's the wrong word. Everything becomes Schwad. It's like Loboda if you were trying to spell it to somebody. But if you're saying it's Labada. Labada. Labada. Svetlana Labada. And it's famous with all words like Vladimir. Vladimir.

It's not Vladimir. It's Vladimir. Vladimir Nabokov. Vladimir Nabokov. Vladimir Nabokov. Oh, it really sounds horrible. It's horrible. It's fucking rotten. Like Alia Mustafina. Alia Mustafina. Oh, I love that. It's so different. Yelena Zamluchkova. This makes me think of RuPaul. He would be like, I love that. Say it again. What's the word? Yeah. And who would play her? Yeah, yeah.

Say it again. But like Svetlana Horkina. Svetlana Horkina. It sounds Horkina. My favorite is Slutvana. What is it? Slutvana Horkina. My favorite is Slutvana Horkina. She's fierce.

And the Russian people are like, what the fuck are you talking about? But don't get me started on that shit. But that's like, but I, I mean, people are taking liberties. But the thing about Russian is that the word order can be changed. So the variable word order, which means rhyming is a lot easier. Although Russian is a terrible, famously a terrible language for, um,

for songs, musicality. This is in a lyric I was singing on the way here. What does it mean? I don't know. Okay. But it's like, really?

Really? Yeah. That sounds musical. I hope it means I locked myself out of my apartment. It's so, I have to, when we come back from the next break, I'm going to play you 10 seconds of a Russian song and it's going to sound like a bag of like, a bag of like steel tools being thrown down a wooden staircase. Okay. You play one of my songs. Okay.

I can't wait to hear it. Malibu. I can't wait to hear it. Can I tell you what happened to me yesterday? Something horrible happened to me. It's not horrible. It's very gay and LA and horrible, but I, one of my friends is in town, my friend Brandon. And I love working all week on a show. Yeah. And we,

We had to run to William Sonoma. You had to. It was life or death. We had to. Because it's always a life or death situation at an luxury furniture store. When you're gay and you have to go to William Sonoma, when you need a casserole dish by noon, yeah, I would say it's a crisis. We have to get the crusade. So we go to William Sonoma and my friends in town from New York go, I can't see. I'm working all day. I got to fucking run and do errands. Why didn't you bring him? Well, hey, do you want to come with me to work? No. It was like- To William Sonoma. To William Sonoma.

He was doing his thing and I was like, whatever, I can't see you. So I go to Williams-Sonoma. I run into him at Williams-Sonoma and it's like, I feel so bad because I'm like, I wanted to hang out and it doesn't look like I'm busy, but this is a work-related thing. This is the stressful thing I was talking about. This is a work-related thing. What did he say? Caught at Williams-Sonoma. And he, did he block you?

Well, I was like high because I was buying a plate set, a service for eight with a charger, soup bowl and dish. And I've never had nice dishes in my life. So I was like, I was high on my own supply. I was like, where's the tourniquet? The gay person, the old gay in me was like, this is gravy. This is it. That looks like a rabbit. And you fucking got me in here with my debit card. You love that. You really love that. Oh, yeah.

yeah tell me about do you know about chafing dishes that guy was like you know it comes in a set the cereal bowl is actually the same design but blue and i'm coming here are you kidding and why are you still standing here go get it bring it back here i was just he came back with and i went oh my god and then i was like do you have do you have eight he was like we have seven and i was like why don't you just take your dick out and me here in the store

If you don't have eight, I was like something about buying nice, but unnecessary. I've never had nice dishes. I still don't have them. It's very unnecessary. And that kind of purchase just made me like, it made me, I was, I was losing Isaiah. I was, I was, I was, I was really twirling. I was really levitating. Nice dishes are nice.

They are. Well, they are, but you also have to have the right... I've never had a property or a place or a space that would accommodate such a thing or such a gathering. Do you know what I'm saying? Oh, yeah. Living in a hovel? You ain't got a nice crusade crockery? No, now we have plates and company plates. Oh, like these are our plates and these are the... I could feel my white trash DNA disintegrating. The guest China. The guest China. Yeah. But...

People who have nice plates, your mom, your grandma, whoever, my question is, the nice plates probably can't go in the dishwasher. China cabinet. And you have to have a China cabinet.

I guess, but you have to hand wash all of them? Of course you do. But then you're trying not to break them. If you have a nice set like that and one breaks, then forever you don't have enough for eight people. Yes, that's why I'm- That's introducing drama. That's introducing stress. Well, that's also living the high life. That's its own set of problems. You're also paying 10 grand to maintain your giant house. People go to therapy because one of their chargers breaks and the brand doesn't make it anymore. Hello. I prefer to eat pizza with a paper towel over the sink.

Hell yeah. Hell yeah. When it's just me. Do you know how many meals I eat on paper towel? Like it's a plate. Yeah. I'm not going to play. I'm going to plate something with myself. Who's who's looking? Well, the drones. Well, I love having a dishwasher.

Okay, I'm gonna ask you this because I for so many years I didn't have a dishwasher. Uh-huh I'm I'm gonna say that I although I do appreciate it It's not that different than washing them. I know it you still gotta load it and unload it Mama, baby sweetie rinse it off you put it in there at the end of the night when you go to bed You put a pot in and start it in the morning. You have dry Spotless dishes first thing I do in the morning usually is like unload the dishwasher minute you do tonight put them in the dishwasher and

I thought you put them in the bed and then you put... I never had a dishwasher till... No, don't make any sense. This condo was the first time I had a dishwasher. Yeah. I hate doing the dishes. I hate the dishes. I know, but hand washing... No, no, no. It's crazy. It sucks. It's crazy. Also, you got to do it right away. When I make my lovely oatmeal... You got to do it right away. When I do my lovely oatmeal, when I make a big nasty pot of oatmeal on Sunday night for five days...

If that oatmeal goes from slippery, slippery, come right off to fucking cement in about four minutes. Four minutes. Really? Flat. And you go, oh, let me just chip that off with my fingernail. You have a dried oat under the skin. You now have tetanus. Blood everywhere. Yeah. You have syphilis. Snow on the beach, blood in the kitchen. Hepatitis C.

And so I'll do all that, but I retract my statement. Dishwasher is nice and lovely. Although mine takes forever. I have a question. The Quakers, are they behind Quaker Oats? Yes. They were the ones who discovered oats and then they made them popular and that's how they were able to- They sowed their wild oats, really. Well, they did. And their royal oats because there was a kingdom of Quakers. And then they were able to parlay all that money into the Shakers, which is a watered down version of their religion. And the Shakers opened Shakey's. Shake Shack. Which is a-

Yes. Shake Shack. But then Taco Bell came along and said, hello. Taco Bell's great. Is it here? Yeah.

What's your top okay off the record everybody who's on the record on the record record? I'm gonna tell you my off the record with cotton weary, okay? 100% cotton with cotton weary off the record with gay letters gyption cotton with cotton weary. What is your go to? It's only it's the only order okay. There's one and if it's wrong. I won't eat it We're talking for dinner not a snack like you're a meal. It's a meal. Okay. This is this is the only thing I get and it's this or nothing All right, it's gold or nothing. I'm at the Olympics. I

Soft tacos, four of them, with nothing but seasoned rice, white meat chicken, and jalapeno peppers with mild sauce. And no cheese. The thing is, I've been with you when they have cheese. Mom, I have cheese in there. We've got muchas problemas. Muchas problemas.

Para mi. When you kill yourself, it's going to be like. Taco Bell did it. No, it's going to be like, what happened? She seemed like she was doing so well. They're going to go to therapists and be like, did she show signs of. She was at the Olympics. She won two gold medals at 50. What happened? What happened? They go to your grub home and they go, oh, we know what happened. Because I've seen you. When the launch order is wrong, you turn.

Well, I guess Dr. Jekyll. It's it. Well, how about this though? It's like a vampire. It's the full moon comes out. The werewolves are like, yeah, well, because here's the thing I have. I have like say there's there's a board, two boards. I have a hammer. I just need a nail to nail and somebody hands me a cabbage patch kid.

That's not going to help me. I think that's a really sound metaphor. But you know what I mean? It's like, okay, I've got the hammer. There's the board. Hand me the nail. And they give me a fucking popsicle. Well, I don't think you're using your Cabbage Patch Kid. Who's your Cabbage Patch Kid guy? He's the guy in a Torrance. Who's your dealer? What if a shifty guy and like a beard emaciated? Baby. What if he came in here and you were like, Trixie, no. Are you? And I go, yeah.

And he pulls out a Cabbage Patch doll. And I start open mouth kissing it. Oh!

You're addicted to Frenching Cabbage patch kids Back to coffee enemas No, don't no coffee up the butt I watched an episode of It was either Obsessed or intervention I think it was obsessed There was a couple A man and a woman And they were addicted To coffee enemas And they did it almost every day And they helped each other One would lay on the side And the other would be like Is it in? And they would pour Piping hot Folgers Straight up the booty hole Straight up the booty hole Pete's coffee

Pete's Coffee. Oh, Dickinson's. Major Dickinson's blend. Iced Americano. Major Dickinson's. Colombiano, African sourced. But does it give you like an intense caffeine rush? Is that what it is? Yes. Look, okay.

Your rectal tissue is extremely absorbent because the large intestine and the rectum mostly involved in water absorption. The large intestine where you get all your water, like diarrhea, bad news. Anyways- That's why people get dehydrated. Yes, yes, yes. Right. We're not doing coffee. It's just so crazy. It's like Frenching a cabbage patch doll to help your mental health. Put it in the mouth hole.

Put the coffee in the mouth hole. Drink your coffee, you fucking idiot. Yeah. And then just change your diet, you fucking idiot. Sorry. Caffeine's hard in the system, though.

But you act like there's a lot of people doing it. I don't think there are. I don't know. But see, because how do you start? Who's starting it? Well, also, well, this made me think of it because I wanted to use that laser thing on my asshole, but the geometry, I couldn't quite figure it out. How do I do it? I don't know anybody in my life. It also requires a consistency. I mean, you have to use it.

Mama, I know. For months and months before you're going to see a difference. But if there's a chance that my booty hole hair will be gone in 10 months, I'm willing to, that's the chance, that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. Go get it waxed. In LA, you can get people come to wax your butthole at your house. But that's painful and degrading, and I don't like that. You do drag for a living. Thank you. I think you can handle pain and degradation. In my butthole area, yeah. But then they'll see all the scars. Can we hear this one? No.

Can we just hear the song? Okay. But just give me a moment and I'm going to pull it up. Okay. In the meantime, I would like you all to come see us in Baldwin Beautiful Live. We are traveling all over the country and it's just like this. We're in drag screaming. And most of the time we don't record the episode. So it's like your own personal private episode where we say much worse, much worse cursing. We should talk our peers. It's horrible. We talk about celebrities. The first three rows are usually teenage girls filming. And then you.

Yeah, I hate that. Fucking nails on a chalkboard. But guess what? I love it! Is she happy? No!

She doesn't sound happy. She sounds like a lifelong smoker, which of course she is. The funny thing is her last name, Allegrava, means happy. She seems irritated. It's like at Gelson's and they're like, do you have a card? Do you have a Gelson's card? And I'm like, no.

I'm like, you know you have one behind the counter. Scan that. Yeah, yeah. She's saying, can I use the bathroom first to push the load out before we get in the shower? Do you guys have any Folgers? Because my asshole needs to be animated out. We're wrapping it up. We're chopping it up. Well, listen, on that note, I just want to say, I'm a Yankee Doodle dandy. She's a Yankee Doodle guy.

Bye.