We Accept the Love We Think We Deserve with Trixie and Katya
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Oh, baby. I am looking for more drag inspiration right now, though, because I...

I feel that we have clear, like when it comes to drag and inspiration, it's The Walking Dead and it's a supermarket that we've cleared out. Every shelf is bare. I'm the last house on the left when it comes to drag inspiration. You want to talk about, you want to get inspired in drag? Don't talk to me. Mama, I feel like I used to do my spin on other pop culture characters and now I do myself.

And now it's like I'm doing drag of myself. I do the sh- I try for the best and end up with the shittiest version of what they remember from me. No, that's too grim. No, I'm turning the point with the age. I looked the best I did in drag and that time is over. And now it's just going to be better makeup skills, better wigs, but more face wrinkles, more texture, more-

I was just talking to a director friend of mine literally 10 minutes ago about this, this very thing. Yeah. He did the Suzanne Bartsch documentary. Well, she's timeless. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I was like, in terms of drag, I told him, I was like, my window is so small.

So small. I got in drag last week. I looked perfect for 10 minutes. I know. For 10 minutes. I know. Get the shot. Get it now. The hairline was perfect. There was not a chip off the mustache. The nails were on. 10 minutes. 15 minutes in and I'm not funny. And then I'm like, okay, what's the point? It was so grim. Now when someone photographs you, it's like Jigsaw comes out on a tricycle. It's like, if you like to play a game, you have 10 minutes.

And then the bear trap on my face will literally That's exactly what it feels like. And then I'm going for touch-ups and I'm like, so we noticed there's a bear trap that closed on your face. Did you want to go into the dressing room and touch that up a little bit? That's what it feels like. The heat and the time goes heat and time. It really does. It really do be like that sometimes. It

I go from looking like the red apple that's poisoned. You know, you know, it's still white. Yeah. Apple's so shiny. Yeah. It's like enticing.

It goes from that to a jack-o-lantern on your porch on November 1st. So fucking fast. You know when the jack-o-lanterns start to... The time lapse. The face becomes like... The time lapse. The teeth go in and they, yeah. Or when a neighborhood kid comes by with a baseball bat and just smashes it. Yeah. That's what I give you three hours after I start painting. It's horrible. Now I'm like, I used to be like, oh, well, I don't smile because there's, I make lines on my face when I smile. So I don't smile on pictures. Now what?

Don't look at the camera. Don't be around when the shutter goes off. Turn around. Turn around. My whole strategy now is one, two, three. It's the only way to get it. Oh, it's so depressing. Every time a photographer takes a picture of me, they look at the monitor. They scream, Kevin! Like Home Alone. Kevin! Like, it's a wrap. It's a wrap, Tina. It's a wrap. I need a lower facelift.

We all do. I need a full, I need the full English. Well, somebody told me that for men, if you get it young, then it settles. Like if you get it in your early thirties, then it settles to normal. Well,

But is there any way to change your face where you don't instantly look like a fucking blowfish in this city? Yes. Yes. Well, my friend, the guy from New York was saying that everybody in LA looks the same, which I think he has a point. Everybody in LA, the men now look like a Kewpie doll with a Tom of Finland body. Okay. A Kewpie. A Kewpie doll, like a baby pumped, round, shiny, wet, wet lips, wet, wet cheeks, wet, wet skin. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Gen Z TikTok skin. And then the pot belly with the silicone cock, honey. That Fort Lauderdale, that death. Oh, man. Shit. It's fierce. Our own friends. Our own friends. I'm looking around and I'm like... Everybody... Who doesn't have some injectables in their fucking genitals? Injectable genitals. In genitals. Have you... Oh, God. It's fine. It's not about surge. It's about...

No, it's about the degradation of the canvas. I am the thinnest I've ever been. And I guess I always thought your hot self is under there. Your hot self is under there. That wasn't true. Your bony self is under there. Your bony self is under there. You're still cross-eyed, bitch. You know what I mean? Like you just have less ability to support yourself standing up. But you're still cross-eyed, bitch. Do you know what I mean? Like, girl. You still ugly bitch.

Girl, you still have that wandering eye, bitch. You still have that yellow tooth, bitch. No, no, no. No more negative self-talk. No, we don't do that anymore. We don't do it anymore. We don't. I've been talking to a new therapist and he says, we don't do poor me, poor me. We don't do it. Wait, wait. Are you really talking to a therapist? Because guess what I just did? Called a therapist today.

I just did. I literally just did maybe two hours ago. Well, this is my first time doing in person. Okay. Cause I have, I want to do zoom. I have tangled with better help, but this is my first time going to in person. Did you like it? Uh, well, to be honest, this, I've not seen many, right. It is indeed different. I understood that you have to date.

With therapists? You do. Well, yeah. And so I've been in like a, I've been in a speed dating scenario where I. But you go in for 10 minutes and then you line them all up? No, I've been in a scenario where I'm having a bunch of first sessions. Okay. And I did find one I like. And I guess what I liked about him was that he. Had a huge silicone cock. No, he has a heavy hand. Oh. And he checks me. How did he check you? He just checks me with like the poor me, poor me. Okay. Yeah.

you know like you can't control other people in the world you can only control yourself in your life and your experience and sometimes not even that right right and you know like there's the healthy part of it like trying to identify why that that triggered you or why that feel that way but then there's parts of like mary the sun is only going to come up and go down so many times in your life and you just cannot waste it being sad okay you have to find a way through it and be proactive okay i like this guy the poor me poor me cycle yeah

Okay, yeah, what's his name? I see a woman. I'm just kidding. She probably cry all the time and have babies Yeah, what if she pressured me to get my boobs done? We were saying that my friend had a female therapist who suggested he'd be straight love Love I'm so sick of one thing. I haven't tried fucking pussy. Yeah, I'm so sick of straight people Coming out as gay later in life. I want gays are coming out straight later and come back home. Welcome home. Welcome home The Lord's been waiting

The Lord's been waiting. No, so really, seriously. So what did you, how many, how many, how many sessions have you had? Is this too personal? No. I mean, I'll, I'll tell you when it's too personal. Okay. Um, how many sessions have you had? Okay. Not many. I'm in the beginning. Two? I'm in the beginning. Two to three? Okay. Yeah. Okay. Once a week?

Twice a week? Yeah. Honestly, as much as I can without them feeling like you're coming out a little strong. Okay. But this is not dating just so you know you are paying them. Yeah, yeah. I'm paying them. Okay. I'm paying them. Okay. They take the money. Okay. At the end of the session when you stand up and you're like, oh, thank you for giving me that perspective. And they show you their Venmo scam thing and you're like. They click on the tip chart with their pencil. But you know what? It's also made me realize, Mary, I need friends. You count. You count.

But everybody in my life I work with, everyone I work with and all my friends are people in the industry. So we get together and talk about work. I need hobbies and things in my life that have nothing to do with work or

with no overlap my extracurriculars my work friend my boyfriend like yeah i need things that are just separate okay i mean i guess that's i'm gonna take a women's pottery class or something mama you're gonna he would be great at brooklyn adult education center you would let them have it i bet adult education centers do you know what i mean it's all like um everything you could imagine you could take a class and that's where i started russian oh my god the most motley crew

Of people all brought there for the most hideous array of reasons. Like I imagine it's not exactly a lot of.

I don't want to generalize, but I'm assuming that casting call for modeling agency. Let's just say that I wasn't going to go into their looks. I was going to go into what's wrong with that. No, I was just thinking when people, let's say, take up upholstery, they're at a crossroads. See what I mean? For better or for worse, they're, they're reaching out. They're looking to staple their life back together. Cry for help. By the way, I recently participated in some upholstery. You,

- You love it? It's hard. - It was hard. It gave me a lot of hand cramps. - Oh, sure. - But it was really cool. - Yeah. It's fierce. My furniture, anything is fierce. - It is fierce. Now that I've done a little upholstery, I'm like, - You think you're an expert. - No, you know what? Like, I don't think it's any secret that I've been doing some renovating and I have these brilliant flashes of my life in a parallel universe where I don't do drag.

And I renovate and I'm so happy and I am happy in drag, but like I could have been equally creatively stimulated, et cetera. Oh, sure. By doing like not interior design, but like the actual contracting. I think it's so fun. It is fun. Granted, I don't do it 40 hours a week. I'm sure it gets old. Anything gets old if you do it 40 hours a week. That's the truth.

But there is something unique about, you get all the different, like you get the design portion satisfied. You also get the hands-on portion satisfied, the creating a thing satisfied. So it's like all those different aspects that you don't get in the living. Like you get to live on it. Yeah. Or even commercial spaces or any spaces. Like it's very cool what those people do. They have to know a little bit about everything. And also they have to, yeah. And then like manufacturing. Yeah.

Where are you going to get all the materials? You know that redwood costs a lot this time of year. Honey. Redwood. Girl. You want cedar? We have to go with pine. Marble slabs for countertops? Oh, yeah. $20,000, $30,000, $40,000. I know. It's wild. Because it's like slabs of natural rock, so they're all different. And where are they getting them from?

Like where? They're sourced in Brazil, flown to Italy where they're cut, flown to America where they're sold. I mean, you're paying for the shipping and the care and everything. Anyway, it's crazy. And then the boats get caught in the Suez. Yeah. Then the supply chain gets all fucked up. Then the cost goes up. Fascinating. Let's take a break. Let's take a break.

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The Bald and the Beautiful is supported by FX's English Teacher. From Paul Sims, the executive producer that brought you What We Do in the Shadows, FX's English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school.

I cannot wait to see this amazing new show with the preternaturally hysterical Brian Jordan Alvarez. It's from the producer of one of the greatest TV shows of all time. And can I let you in on a little secret? A certain Miss Trixie Mattel makes a guest appearance on the show and whoa, it is a sight to behold. Take it from me, a connoisseur of quality television programming. You do not want to miss this show. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

By the way, I feel like lately people have been commenting that our episodes are getting shorter. We're just trying to tap up before we get dull, bitch. Oh, yeah. I mean, do you want to hear me go on about the Suez? Because I can and I will. Please do. But wait, wait, wait. I got to tell you before I forget, I made a list. It's internal. Talk to me. Talk to the hand. Did you watch it? Twice. Did you see it? Yes.

Yes! Ooh, there ain't no other way. It really got me. It got me. That hand gripped my nalgas. I'm not sure what nalgas means. Oh, okay, nalgas. My cojones. And she said, talk to the booty because the hands on do this. The acting was fierce. Everything about it was fierce. Everything about it was fierce. I did fall asleep. Did you love me in the end, though? At the very end, I was in the wheelchair. And I said, why don't you touch me? Ha, ha, ha, ha.

I thought it was really gaggy. I also was like, you didn't catch me at the end there. I mean, the old man, the old man. I didn't catch it. I fell asleep towards the very end, but let me say, God damn it. I thought the metaphor was clear, but not heavy handed, which was very impressive. Very perfectly executed allegory. I'm like, Oh, it's,

Obviously drug use. Yeah. But it's also somebody not handling their grief and letting it ruin their life. Like it's... Taking things too far. And they never hit you over the head with it. No. But you got it. Yes. It was difficult not to get, but they didn't go like, which so many movies do now, like, actually, this is a metaphor about grief. It's the trauma that propels it or whatever. Trauma. Trauma. Like in that movie...

Like in Smile or Smiley Facers. Oh, sure. Yeah, Smile was like that. Which was very heavy-handed. Right. Because they give you a whole lore. And it's like, we don't need no lore. Yeah. We don't need no lore. Yeah. Talk to me. David put it on and I was like, oh, this looks fun. I fucking... And I was like, well, first of all, Australian people, the first thing that came out of my mouth was...

They gotta give it up with that accent. Bingo. They're not for real. They are for real. But they're not. They're not. They're not. But they are. But they're not. But they are. Courtney, give it up. Give it up. Girl, talk regular, bitch. Girl, talk to your people. That accent is so make-believe. It's so over-the-top. It's so wild. It's so baseless. It's baseless. I love that you also say that about English people. I do. It's all fake. Give it up. It's all fake. They came first. I'm here myself.

It's literally like gaslighting. British, they can't help it. Australian people, it's a long con. It's a joke.

They're playing a trick on all of us. One day, the ambassador of Australia is going to get on the TV and go, we were just fucking with you guys. We were just fucking with it. Y'all believed it. Y'all were so stupid. That crazy accent. Yes. But that movie, I needed subtitles. I did. You're not the first person to tell me that. I'm like, what are you all doing with your brains? You can't understand English.

It was good, though. It was fantastic. Do you think that if that hand existed, kids would really be like TikTok live streaming it? Yes. And I think this movie was probably the first and only movie that I've seen that I did not...

That I was not disrupted by the incorporation of the phone. Yeah. The cell phone. It felt more real. That would be happening. It was perfectly. I felt it was like perfectly executed. Because let me tell you what I don't want to see in a fucking movie. A motherfucking iPhone. Yeah. I don't want to see text bubbles. I don't want to see low battery. Right. I don't want that.

I want a corded landline or nothing. Do you like pillow talk? Do you like split screen people on a phone talking? Um, I don't know. I don't, maybe, but I, but tell you what I don't love. I,

iPhones. So your movie should be, don't talk to me. Don't talk to me. Well, because you just introduced the plot device. You put them all in a cabin or somewhere with no service. Right at the beginning, you cancel out the possibility of phones. Before the movie starts, they all get robbed and someone steals their phones. No, that's actually, that could be very well, that could be easily achieved. So, but anyways, the young kids and their phones, it really did like, it used that well. And I believe like, they just accepted that this thing was real.

Until they saw in those black eyes. You know what gagged me? Spoiler alert. Yeah. Making out with the dog. That, but also when they're all playing this fun game and the little teen boy wants to play and her mom starts talking, her dead mom starts talking. Mary. I was like, my heart. He's going to split you. He's going to split you. Also that kid being the shit out of himself.

Fierce. When he started lapping up his own blood. I lived. I was. Representation matters. Two of my adult silicone bald friends left the theater. Yeah. Because they were like too freaked out. I know. It was crazy. They were like, that's crazy. Let's go get another needle. That's weird. I don't like that. I'm not into that. Why was he licking his blood? Why doesn't he get someone to lick his forearms? That's weird.

That's gross. It was nasty though. I'm really into a gay voice right now. That's how they all sound. Wait, what are you doing later? What's up? Girl, that's what I said. Where are you going? You said you'd come over. Is that a Palm Springs or a WeHo? It's Amanda. Okay. It's Amanda. That's true. It is Amanda. It's a little bit my old roommate. It's a few different things. Oh, it's good. That accent is fine. That's an affectation. That's an affectation. I feel like. Do we know if Australia is real? No.

We have not yet received confirmation. I know we think we've flown there. But what if every time we've flown there. It was a dream? It was staged. We land on, we land in, I don't know, the Virgin Islands. And they have, right, they're here. Put on the accent. Yeah. Hello. Yeah. Yeah. We'll go. I can't, I can't do it. Exactly. I can't even do it. I know.

I think you're probably onto something. I think I am. I'm going to have to do, unless I swim there myself and count every meter. I do know that the map severely distorts Australia. Australia is a huge place. It's a huge place with a large area like Russia, a small relative to the area population. Yes. Not very habitable. That whole middle part.

Not great. I've never been. I've never been to the middle of Australia. Is that what they call the bush, right? I believe so. We got to go. Next time we go to Australia, we should go to the bush. No, no, I don't think we should. I don't think we should at all because I know that it's rampant with homophobia and a very uncompromising heat temperature. I'm passing. I'm passing as well. Passing as well.

I'm going to get, this is how you do it, Mary. Do you think? Look at me. Look at me now, Alfred. It's very straight. I get off the plane. Straight to what? Straight to hell. Drag me to hell. I get off the plane. I go, so who wants me to eat their pussy? And then everyone goes, you're good. He's good. He's all right. He's all right. He's straight. Yeah.

Fuck. And also I get in drag and they're like, oh, woman. Oh, woman. Yeah. You've seen me in the sunlight. So, you know, I have. It's I think immediately pregnancy, high risk of pregnancy, XX chromosomes present. I think of, I think of like, get her out of the sun. She's going to have a baby.

She's getting prenatal melasma on her upper lip. She has dark spots. She needs to lay down. She just had her tube signed. She's going to lay her down. I got to tell you, Talk to Me was fierce. I watched a movie called Annihilation. Oh. The cunt was served. Served, delivered. What's the actress's name? Natalie Portman, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Tessa Thompson. Jennifer Jason Leigh. All those whores. That movie scared me.

It was very scary. Did it really? Annihilation was scary. That's interesting. I mean, Talk to Me is like a ghost movie. But you thought Annihilation was scarier than Talk to Me. That cannot be true. There was something very...

Unsettling about like the plants growing into the shape of people that shit was scary recombining DNA all that crap Yes, but that shit was scared. Um loved it though. It was beautiful loved it great war Oh my god, the score the effects all of it Natalie Portman so good. I don't know how she still looks 20 good for her No

Not a pumped 20. Because Miss Jennifer Jason Leigh, she's going hard. She looks beautiful as always, but she's enhanced. She went around the block. She went to Dr. Zismore. It's clear. She's on All-Stars. You know what I mean? She got All-Stars money. She got that good good before All-Stars. Before All-Winners. She went to All-Winners. She's on All-Winners. All-Winners.

She's wearing Diego Montoya. She's wearing Diego Montoya. She's in Dominique Couture. She's on Dominique Couture. Fuck. Fuck. But Natalie really is frozen in time. She's great. I think she's a vegan. I watched V for Vendetta a couple months ago. That I have not seen. Because I read the book and she is. Graphic novel? Yes. She was so good in it. Was it? Oh yeah. Really good. Love the book. Is there just one or is it a series? It's one. Okay. Really, really good. Okay.

I went to see Serial Mom at the Academy Museum. Now, where was this? It's at the Academy, like the Oscars Museum. Yes. So funny. I was home. No one invited you? Nobody invited me. I got two tickets sent to me. Interesting. From Peaches. For me and David. Interesting. Serial Mom. I know. It was a very star-studded in the audience. I almost had a FOMO experience.

I almost, I nearly had a FOMO experience, except in my mind, I said, that must have been happening across the country. There's no way that I could have been invited to that. Shut up. It was really a who's who of faggots no one cares about. No, no, it looked amazing. No, it was cool. It was the, there was, of course, some of the divas were there, the drag queens and the dolls. Simone looked incredible. Yeah. No, she was at the opening of the exhibit.

I went to the movie screening Sunday. I wasn't invited to that. Oh, that's what I wanted to go to. Yeah. I wasn't invited either. With John Waters and Orville Peck. Yeah. I wasn't invited either. Too busy being straight. Good for all of them. They're beautiful. And they went. Yeah. Yeah. I was straight. Simone. I played. Wait. I'm sorry. I'll go right back to it. I played. She raised with Miss Gigi Goode. I'm going to talk about a woman. Yeah. She's a woman. Yeah.

That's all I would say. Okay, yeah. I was like, who's that girl? I'll give you one better. I was at the beach two weeks ago and I went in the water and let the water hit me. And I never usually do that, but I loved it. Yeah. And I look over and the water is hitting and I feel so alive. My eyes are burning from the salt. And I see this girl doing this with her hair and she's in like a little swimsuit. And she's like, and I'm like, and I was like, gosh, she's beautiful. And I go, that's Gigi.

Gigi getting hit in the face with the ocean. It still looked like she was on the cover of a magazine. It's like, I'll have what she's having. I think it's called 20 years younger. She really looked great. I go,

She was like Trixie and I was like incredible seeing you in the ocean unprovoked unprovoked like we didn't know each other was going to be in the ocean right now. Oh, yeah. I didn't even know she was at the beach. It's it's wild. She looks so I mean it's not wild. Excuse me. She just looks sensational. No her out of hair out of makeup. Wet look is very compelling. She's very compelling. She's doing a great job. Yeah. So okay. Serial mom.

Oh, Serial Mom. I go, Mink Stoll's there, who I met a few times. She's at Peach's wedding, stuff like that. Matthew Lillard is there. Who is that? He's Stu in Scream. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's there because he's in Serial Mom. I didn't see Ricky Lake. Oh, yeah. But Peach's Christ and John were on stage doing like a pre-talk. It was interesting to hear about because that was John's only like...

studio level film, like a $19 million budget or whatever. 94, 95, right? From 1994. Yeah. And what's her name? The lead actress. Kathleen Turner. She was not there, but my God, does she give a performance now? I know she really goes for it. I know it's crazy. There's the birds singing and she goes,

It's so crazy. She's plays it. She plays it. So like best mom ever to murder back and forth the whole movie. And also it's an interesting movie cause she's a murderer, but you like root for her. Well, right. Cause she's, she's got her own little code of ethics. Yeah. Yeah. She's a total hypocrite though. Well,

Well, what's funny is we're in L.A. and John Waters goes, you know, the thing about like the white shoes after Labor Day. She's like, although John was like, although L.A. seems to be the number one. And he's right. We wear white shoes like all year. There's no fashion rules in L.A. Because there's no winter. There's no winter. Yeah, there's no fashion rules in L.A. And I think like. No, it's fierce. Daybreak. Driving the car. I thought, dude, am I the only one that sounds like to me that sounds like date rape?

It does sound like that. But it's not that. It's Daybreak by Barry Manilow. To me, it sounds exactly like date rape. Yeah, it does sound like that. Do you think that's intentionally used? Do you think that's intentional? No. No. It's just a happy accident? I think they just pick a corny song they think a housewife would be listening to. Okay. Because to me, it sounds like a very John Waters thing to be like, this sounds like date rape and everybody knows it. Maybe he does know it. He got his star on the Walk of Fame. Oh, he did? Yeah. Did you have to pay for that?

I don't know. I bet you do. I'm assuming you do. I bet you do. I bet it's fierce too. Yeah. Did I tell you what happened at Palm Springs? No. Okay. So David and I had the one year anniversary of the Trixie Motel. So we had a little party. Okay. And we went. Also not invited. Guests. Guests.

Well, I don't try not to invite people on house arrest. Guests were there and we get to get up. And of course, David and I are, you know, we have microphones and we have to say thank you to everyone. And we're instantly sobbing, of course. Oh, for real? Yeah. Because we built the motel together. It means so much to us. And it's been a year of it being open. Thousands of guests like, you know, and the mayor's there. The mayor of what? Of Palm Springs. Of Whoville, bitch. What do you think? I don't know. The mayor of what? Palm Springs.

The mayor of what? Piedmont, North Dakota. The mayor of what? Did you get a key to the city? The mayor of Flavortown. The mayor of what? What the fuck do you think? The mayor of what? The mayor of what? God.

The mayor of Flavortown. Oh my God. So the mayor's there. It's September 1st, I believe. September 1st. The mayor's there. He comes there. He comes on that little stage thing with me. And he goes, he opens in this binder and starts reading like my bio and like my contributions to the city of Palm Springs and the show. And he goes, for all those reasons, we hereby name September 1st in Palm Springs annually Trixie Mattel Day. There's an annual day in Palm Springs now.

So I'm crying. I can't believe it. Ooh, they're ready. No other day. Ooh, they're ready. No other day. And I was like, thank you so much. I would shit myself. Where's the star? Like I went straight to like, what about the star? Wait, do they have stars there? Yes. They have a walk of fame. The youngest person on it is like 55. So I'm going to have to wait it out. I think I'm going to have to wait it out. That's just a waiting. That's fine. But I mean, you're not supposed to want it. I don't think, I think when you get the star, you're supposed to be like, what? Oh no, not me. Are you sure? Not me. No, I want it. I know you do want it and you should get it, but you just have to wait it out. But the day, the tricks and the tell day was so magical.

Oh my God. That's incredible. When we opened the motel, our main thing was, I hope everybody in town knows we're trying to be respectful and contribute to the city and not like,

you know, not ruin, not shit on it with your nasty gay, bring our video cameras in here and fuck up one of the building. You know what I mean? Like we, we bring a lot of tourism and excitement to Palm Springs and it felt good to have it recognized. And you're, you're an asset to the community rather than a liability. Yeah. They listed all these ways. We like stimulate local economy, employ locals. And it was magical. And David did it like as a surprise. I didn't know it was going to happen. It gagged me. Congratulations. Yeah. It gagged me. Congratulations. Thanks.

That's great. Serial Mom was really good, though. Yeah, I mean, it is great. Pussy Willows. Who was the Patty Hearst at the end? The incorporation of very, like, that's a very John Waters thing to do. Incorporate people who are very- She's the juror, right? Yes. Who's like, fashion has changed. Fashion has changed. No, it hasn't. Yeah, she gets killed. And Patty Hearst was the, she was famously kidnapped by the-

And right. The Stockholm syndrome lady. She was kidnapped by a terrorist. She was, you know, about Patty Hearst. No, but that's it. No, Patty Harrison. No, Patty Hearst was, she was kidnapped by a terrorist group and then joined them.

Back in the day, it was like she's a big, very controversial figure in the whatever you will. Yeah. She was abducted for 19. Yes. And I think like, right. She was kind of. Yeah. Yeah. She was kind of like, I mean, she was like, what do you call it? Her sense of being kidnapped had gone away. Is that what you're saying? Stockholm Syndrome. Stockholm was where you like side with your captors. You join them. Yeah. Oh, my God. Who were they? What was the terrorist organization? Yeah.

Simbionese Liberia. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, they're down the street by six flags. They're out of Valencia. Oh, yeah. They're out of Valencia, California.

Well, she did great in the movie. Oh, she did. Also, Suzanne Somers is in it. That's right. She was going to play her. Yeah, that's funny. She walks into the... Girl, she walks into the... It's during the trial. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Beverly decides to defend herself. That's right. Right? Oh, with the... Yes. And she walks in... Suzanne Somers as herself walks into the trial. And she's in a fedora with a fur and a t-shirt that says... I think it says Beverly Hills...

It's like a Beverly Hills. Like, you know, all rich people. I'm rich. They wear shirts that say Beverly Hills. That's so funny to me. So funny. That's so funny to me. Dave and I turned to each other and like, we wish we were Beverly Hills. It was so funny. You should start trying.

Girl, but let me tell you that East Hollywood gays were out in full force. There was no shortage of tattoos, gauged ears, green hair, leopard print jeans, fans. Oh, for John Waters, I'm sure. It was big. Yes. They were out in full force. Deodorant, not to be seen. Not to be used or touched or imagined. Now, what's with that? Also, let me ask you about this. Ass hairs. Yeah. You know, recently I've been wanting to cut my butt hair.

But then I heard from someone else recently who I overheard them say that when they look at porn, they specifically look for hairy butts. And I was like, well, then, well, then let the butt hair be. Now, my problem is I have very little hair everywhere. Yeah. Except my butt. So it's like, what are we doing? What are we doing? Let's say I don't. We're shitting through a wicker basket. Scrub daddy. You know what I mean? Like we're shitting through a picket fence. Yeah. I look like I'm picking up reeds.

Did you see that funny clip of the comedian who was like, if you got dog shit in your hair, would you grab just a single piece of tissue and be like, boop, boop. Good. Yeah. It's a very good point. Yeah. We have, I mean, we have a tushy bidet. I know, I know you do, but I'm saying, I'm just saying like, it's like, why do we accept that reality? Because we accept the love we think we deserve.

I've been reading a lot of self-help books. And what we do in our life is we model the relationships we have after the relationships we saw. But we try to make a different ending. We find ourselves reliving mistakes. I'm saying is that when I started shaving my asshole, like you know that book, Ayanna Van Zandt, speaking of self-help. When you started, by the time you finished, you just had to start again. And I've grown back.

I am the Van Zandt the fix my life lady. The one who says not on my watch. Not on my watch. She had a book. I think her debut book is One Day My Soul Just Opened Up. One Day My Hole Just Opened Up. Tea. And that's, it was tea. When I start shaving my asshole and realize that there was another reality that I could participate in a better and shinier one. Yeah. One that wasn't filled with shame and degradation and horror. I think mine is so hairy that you remember in Interview with a Vampire when she cuts her hair and then it all grows back right away. And then I'd be in the mirror like, ah!

Yeah. Although I have been using something from, you know, our friends at what's the pure for men. Yes. They have a product called bum cream that is mint and clove scented. It's like a it's like no, it's like a moisturizing exfoliating situation. Oh, and I love it. I put on my butt every day. What do you love about you put it on your butt? Like I use it as to like, you know, getting out of the shower, like moisturize and like scrub my butt. Love it.

My butt feels and smells minty and fresh. You put it on your butthole? Everywhere. Everywhere? You just leave it in there? No, I like rub it in and, you know, it's like, it's not super heavy and crazy. Okay. Love it. That's great. I'm just saying, the, I...

So, okay. Imagine you're... I guess it's a... Is it a kink or is it... I guess it's a trend. I'm not really sure. Washing yourself? I wouldn't say it's a kink. That's... No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not washing yourself. Oh, yeah. Like going downtown, munching on a hairy, sweaty butthole. Not just sweat. Some people want more. I'm not kidding. You know. I know, I know. Girl. I know, Mary. I know. You know. You talk to a 10 in Los Angeles and you know what's on the menu? Girl. It's SCAT baby. Yeah. Like...

In LA, if anybody is very hot, they have a mason jar in their ass right now. They got a mason jar in their, you know what they want? There's two things they're interested in later on. It's pee pee and poo poo, honey. Seriously. Seriously. Diaperless. Wee wee and doo doo. Diaperless wonders. Hee hee and hoo hoo. You go to their bathroom, you go to their house, you're like, where's the toilet? They're like, we're looking at it right now. Yeah.

Girl. It's a walking toilet. It is. It's good for them. Eating pee, eating poop. Think about it. Eating pee and poop. Think about it. How economical...

Do you think a jar, I went down at the pleasure chest just two days ago to pick up a thing of silicone lube, $75. P, free. I know. Lube is very expensive. Think about it. Pee pee and poo poo comes free with dinner. I know. Comes free after dinner. No purchase required. No, you know what I mean? No low overhead. Just in terms of a kink, you get extreme. I'm not advocating for it. I secretly wish I was into scat. Not.

I think I could try pee stuff. I have. But like, you know, right time, right place, right person. Oh, it's not like, and it's not like dehydrated yellow pee pee in the living room. Right.

It's very hydrated. Well, it's a water. It's a very watery lifestyle in the shower. It's vitamin water coming from your urethra. It's Jennifer Aniston on the Emirates plane. It's dragon fruit vitamin water. It's Snapple. It's Fertopia. No, no, no. It's no color. It's Evian straight from the Rockies.

Those giant smart water things. David drinks the Essentia. The what? The like pH balance giant bottles of water. It's good. You got to get that. I looked at my urinalysis recently on One Medical app. Love that app. Shout out to One Medical. Love One Medical. And they said color of my urine was yellow. It was a big wake up call.

Big wake up call. That was the only thing on the lab report that I could understand. I have been drinking a lot of water, but it makes you pee all the time. You got to be ready to go. And in drag, it does not behoove oneself to drink plenty of water. It doesn't. You have to like, honestly, right? Untuck me with your nails, Mary. Untuck my penis with your nails. Now that's a king. Ask me how I feel about that. Do you know what we need to get into? What?

Well, you don't smoke anymore, and I've never smoked. The YouTube videos of drag queens just smoking. No sex, just smoking. And OnlyFans are just smoking and drag. Where were you then? Mama, I did it. Boop. Boop. I did it. Just smoking. Yeah, just smoking. With my breasts out. They love it. It's black and white. They love it. Yeah, they love it. I don't know who they are. Clip-on bang. Oh, I know. Because it's hot. Clip-on bang and like a bralette.

And that lucky strike, honey. Yeah. No, it was- On a webcam. Not even a good camera. When someone told me that that's what they wanted from me, I was like, you got to be kidding me. No, they're serious. I was like, you got to be kidding me. You want me to do the thing that I love most in front of you and not touch you or be touched? And that's going to turn you on more than anything else you can imagine? Get out of here. I felt like I was being punked. You know, I read recently that the success of a relationship can be measured by whether or not all partners' needs are being met. Right.

And for you, it sounds like a situation where everybody's needs can be met. So let's celebrate that. Yes.

So what else is the tea? Okay. Can you talk about the COVID? I had COVID. I know. I had COVID. I had COVID and it was a non-event. So this is going to be a real exciting story. Eden got sick and then I was, she did a test. And so I was like, okay, I guess I'll do a test. I think I had one day where I felt maybe felt ill and that was it. That's good. I was out for like, well, unavailable.

For like three days. And then I tested negative. And then that was, it was like the most unthrilling non-event I've ever experienced illness wise. I was thinking of dragging you onto the pod on zoom. And I was like, let's just give her the week off. Yeah. Cause she really needs it.

Well, she's been working so hard. You had Jess covered for me. I know. She was working real hard. Nails to the bone. We had Justin Martindale. How did that go, by the way? Hilarious. He's so funny. And then we had Brittany Broski, who's obviously hilarious. Yes. And who do you have next week? Well, we've got you. Oh. Which is like, you know. Oh. I actually wanted to do it. I found myself in the very unusual situation of like, no, I want to work. But don't really think this is work. No, this is like my easy fun job. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I love this job. I know it's very easy. It doesn't feel like a job. It's not a job. But this is what normal people do. They don't get in drag and they go to work and then they go home and they never dress up. They never dress up. Yeah, that's true. The dressing up is half of it. It's half the work. I'd say most of it. Sometimes it's most of it. I don't know. I was like going back to like the shrinking window of freshness and drag. I'm so old.

I'm so old. How old are you? So old. Her social security number is zero. There you go. That old. Is that funny? Yeah. That's a good joke. She owes Jesus Christ 25 cents. I'm trying to think of whatever bad. How old is she? She fucked Methuselah. Is that a person? Did she know that Judaism predates Christianity by thousands of years? Yes. Everybody knows that.

You didn't know that? Do the Christians know that? Yes, they do. That they're doing a backpack religion? Christians just don't care about anything. Christians are just crazy. That's the tea. It's Rosh Hashanah. Happy Jewish New Year. Can I tell you about it? Please. So I went to a Rosh Hashanah function, a little family function. What I learned was that in America, we make resolutions about things we want to do. And I believe in Judaism, it's about reflecting on mistakes you've made in the past year. Yeah, we do that in Christianity as well. But that feels more productive. What, repenting?

Well, repenting is a heavy word, but reflecting on things you don't want to accidentally do for the quality of your life again. Okay. Say that again. I don't understand that. Like it's about reflecting on things you've done. You don't want to do again the next year. Okay. Like things you mistakes you made this year. Okay. And I thought that was like productive, but they do that in Christianity as well though. Oh, they do. They do. They do like, um, what's the sacrament of like penance? I think. No, no, no. Maybe that's the pirates of Penzance. The pirates of Penzance. They do.

Well, I mean, I think Jews are just by and large a little bit better. When you're standing on the edge, this is a song for lonely. Cher, man. Oh, Cher. She came up in conversation the other day. Why? Oh, because her Christmas album cover? Yeah. Legendary. Jeans. PicsArt. Jeans. PicsArt. Can we talk about the time her mother was on Drag Race? And I believe J. Julie asked her about her abortion. Yeah.

Oh, that was the... Wait, wait, wait. Wasn't that the... She was on with Kourtney. Yes, I forget who it was. That was with Chaz. Somebody asked her about her abortion. Damn. Which was... That's crazy. Listen, interviewing is hard. Yeah. But we're going to shy away from certain topics such as abortion. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Swinging big down at the drag race. Fuck. At the red table. Fucking hell. Didn't they do a pink table talk challenge? They did. They did? I didn't see... When did they do that? Season 40. I don't even know what number they're on.

I wish I... There's got to be a... You know why there's a brazen rash of...

in this country because there's so many drag races that people are like, I can't go to work. I have to watch Drag Race Bulgaria. And then the workforce is all competing on Drag Race. Yes. A traffic light goes out. There's no one there to direct traffic because there's someone. Because she's cacking on the runway. She's duck walking. There's nobody to try your little small claims court because the judge is

Is lip syncing. Yeah. And there's no loss prevention team to prevent shrinkage because they're all, you know, doing their flowing their fashions on drag race. What do you think of in, in Britain? Is it Britain land? England, England. They have those people in wigs.

Like the parliament. But like the most wiggy wigs. Yeah. The white, the white, like curly curl curls. What do you think about that? I think it's old. They're all made in type of way. It's giving mop bucket, but they're supposed to be taken seriously. That's what, that's what gags me about it. These people are like, you don't, it's not a joke. It's serious business. When these, these dusty ass wigs are on the heads. That's wild. That's truly, truly wild.

It's not, I'm not making fun of it, but it is. No, you can make fun of it. If you're not from that world, it's a very funny thing to remember. Like, oh right, they're government officials wear big fake yarn wigs. It's crazy. Like,

The texture of the hair, all of it, it's really giving ragdoll. Yes. It's giving raggedy and. It's giving like, it's actually giving powdered wig, like powdered donuts, like little, they look like little. I guess it would be weirder if they were in like custom, like HD lace. They were in Courtney's? Yeah. It'd be weirder if they were all in Uber Raya's.

I would take them more seriously. But you mentioned those old men and like Amari. I can. Or Katya. Yeah. Yeah. I think maybe more laws would get passed and people would have a better time in Britain land. By the way, shout out to Vanity for bringing back the hard front wig. Vanity has been bringing back the hard front wig. Now, is that a good thing or a bad thing? I think it's fine. You do? Because I like bangs and I like like. I love bangs too, but I don't know. Those. It's just the. I love not fucking with a hairline. Yeah, I guess you're right.

Big stages and stuff DJing I'm like just put it on Just throw the wig on And hit it Yeah yeah yeah And they're so durable Those hard front wigs Well you don't have to Clean the fucking lace Yeah and most of us

Don't have the profile for like some wig that's snatched up and away from the face. Let's talk about that one. I need a little, I need you to crowd my face with hair. The Goldie Hawn effect. I look the prettiest when the hair is like. Yeah, here. And there's like a shadow over the face so you can't even see it. Yes, where I do my eyebrows and my cut crease, none of it. You see none of it. And then it cuts where the cheeks go, cuts. Gorgeous. Gorgeous. 40% of my face is showing and I look gorgeous. I give about 25% and that's like the magic number.

Oh my God, there's this TikTok audio of Barbra Streisand going, Hello, conscious. And lately I've been walking around saying it. I've been like, Hello, conscious. Hello, conscious. Well, there's a Fabiola's restaurant. It's called Fabiola's Cucina Restaurant.

Just thought you should know. Fabulous. Yeah. All right. Let's wrap it up. All right. Well, listen, thanks for joining us here on the bald and the beautiful. We will see you have a lovely day. Don't get COVID. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

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