Steam Room Karens & Pickle Juice Nightcaps with Justin Martindale and Trixie
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Yeah, and like DJing was like your COVID, like... Well, I tried to bake bread, but everybody bought yeast. Girl, I was like making prison wine. Girl! I was like, let's ferment grapes in the kitchen. In the toilet. And you're like, I'm going to become a DJ. Well, I always wanted to learn, but it was like, it's very overwhelming to learn. It was very intimidating. Have you ever been like, you've been to gay clubs where you know the DJ and you go back to the DJ area and you're like, is this Star Trek? Yeah. Everything is flashing and beeping and something's smoking. And there's like the smallest touch. It's just a...

That's the thing. And every year at any given moment, one button away from the music halting. So there is a little high stakes there. What was your what was your COVID activity?

TV and crying. Love. And unemployment. Did you really just get COVID again? Yeah, all of us did. It was like the thing to do in Montreal. Yeah. Because we both saw each other maybe a month ago at the Just for Laughs festival. Yeah. I didn't get COVID, but I was with you a lot. You can't kill what's already dead. I guess. Can't catch it twice. Can't catch it twice. This was like my ninth time to get it.

And I just stayed home. I got home and everyone was like, well, I feel like I've got it. And I just don't tell myself. I just know.

So I was like, oh, I got scratchy throat and I'm fatigued and I'm tired. It could be jet lag, but I knew better. And I was like, let's just stay home. I'm not saying I'm a conservative, but... Well, you just did. I trust your instincts that you have COVID about as much as I trust those little fucking tests. I don't know. Those tests are sometimes bogus. You know what's weird? You know, this is what's so bizarre is that I went to a bar. I can't remember what city I was in, but they had the little...

swap test that you can test if there's like GHB or something in your drink and I'm like oh I love how far we've come I know have you ever done GHB no oh no because I feel like I can't do like hard drugs because I feel like I'd be that one person who's like it took a weird turn and then I'm like jumping off a boat or something you know like that would be like this like everyone else is like I had no side effects and meanwhile I'm like

Girl, because... Just foaming. I'm also that person where when everyone's hungover... No one's hungover, I'm on death's door. Yes. Or like, you know, once in a while, if people do poppers, their brain explodes. I'm like, well, then I'm not doing that. Can't do poppers. No. Can't do them. We're not doing that. I don't like it. Yesterday, I was spray painting, and it reminded me of poppers, because the head...

And I was like, ew. Poppers are ew. I'm sorry. I love everyone. Group for you. Once it's trickled down to your straight girlfriend who's doing it at the bar, we don't need to do them anymore. I think we're good. Thank you. I remember going to a bar years ago and there was a whole bunch of girls. I want to say it was like Mickey's or something. I might have been there with them. And I think that might have been the last time I did them. They were like, let's do them.

And I was like, what are we doing? I know. Are we huffing in a garage? That's what I'm saying. Are we 22? Yeah. Are we taking our straight girlfriend from college to the gay bar for the first time? We don't have to do all that. By the way, I guess I should intro Justin. You guys have noticed that we have somebody much more better looking. We have somebody funnier and more famous in the chair today. This is my friend Justin Martindale, one of my first friends I made in Los Angeles. Yes.

We've made it. And I'm not bald. And I mean, actually the opposite of bald. I don't want to put you on blast. But beautiful. Your hair has always been just beautiful. Thank you. It's real. I'm glad I have it. It's just beautiful. Can you turn? I mean, can the kids at home look at that, you guys? And what are you in your 50s? You still have a forehead? Can you believe that? That's amazing. It's actually a lace front. You can get it at JustinMarndale.com. But

But Justin is a very, very decorated comedian. If I remember correctly, you are one of the only like currently working young hot comedians who have their name on the wall at the comedy store. Yeah. I mean, well, yes, youngest for sure. Yeah. I guess tell them what the comedy store name on the wall means. The comedy store name on the wall means that you have been hand selected by

the best of the best. And Mitzi Shore was the owner of the club. She started in the late 70s. And she discovered people like Robin Williams, Arsenio Hall, David Letterman, Jay Leno, Roseanne. I know. Sandra Bernhardt. You know what's sad? When I see Roseanne's name on that wall, I think of, oh, Roseanne at that time going up on this wall. For sure. That must have been so great. Yeah, for sure. But I mean, all the legends, all of them. And so...

I was the last person that she saw when she was alive. And I was the last person she handpicked as a paid regular. Now it's kind of like, you know, you kind of like pay your dues and, and, and,

to that point, but like I was like the last lightning strike. - It's like winning drag race now. - Yeah, kinda, yeah, yeah. It's like, it's very, like she walked by me one night and just saw me on stage and was like, "He's got it." And that was it. But I was so new and so dumb. Like I had no idea what any of it meant.

They were like, okay, put in your avails for the week, which means, you know, when you're available to perform. And I was like, oh, this is like my job now. Oh, so once you're on the wall and you're like a regular rotating, they just schedule you weekly because you now represent the store. Yeah. So every night of the week, it's like you're getting headliners from all over the country, like the best of the best. And some of those nights you're just like, I can't believe this.

I paid $20 to just see this like all stars. Yeah. When I was doing like pre COVID, when I was doing gigs around, I would pick up the weirdest dumbest little back alley comedy gigs, but because it's LA, you never know who's going to be there. Exactly. It could just be Fred Armisen. Yeah. It could just be, I mean, and you, and also not only people who are famous,

But you never know what comic you're working with where like two weeks later, their special comes out and they're suddenly God. And you're like that whore? Yeah. From two weeks ago in the dressing room. I mean, it's so, I didn't even think she was funny. No, exactly. But I mean, like if you look at people like right now it's, it's Matt Rife and Matt Rife is, I remember when he was like a 17 year old kid waiting outside of the laugh factory. And then during COVID, he just started putting like clips of him outside of like comedy shows in LA. Cause you know, we had to like be outside and,

And he just like blew up. And now he has like a worldwide sold out tour till like 2020.

25 or something like that. It's insane. It's amazing. I mean, I didn't was it? I think the last comedy gig I did was like, God, it was like right before COVID honestly, like when I was doing the gig gigs and I did a Tsuko show at the Largo and I was like, oh, she's fun. She's cool earrings. I like her lipstick. I love her bowl cut. I'll do your show. Weird and fun. And then now she's like, you know, the bowl cut goddess. Bowl cut goddess. So, you know,

Which is good for her. But not to blow you up too much, but when I first moved to LA, you and I have mutual friend, my ex-man, my former manager, Diana Coney. Yes. Hi, Diana. Wherever you are. Wherever she is. P-Town somewhere. P-Town, All Springs, vibing, girl. Yep. And she introduced me, and you lived down this, I don't want to say where you used to live. Well, they can't kill you now. You don't live there. Well, yeah.

You used to live like basically on the block of a comedy store. Yeah. And I remember I went with you and you were like, let's go to my gig tonight. And I was like, cool. And you put on your leather jacket and went to like this with your hair, which looked perfect. And then we walked one block and you just got up there and did your 15. I was like, this is crazy. Yeah. It's like the opposite of drag because it's your real self. And it's like a short and hot, quick performance. For sure. Where it's like amazing or Miss Flop.

And it wasn't even a very full room that day. Yeah. And you fucking laid those whores out. Let them have it. I was like, how did I beat my first friend end up being someone who was so fucking great at what they're doing? Yeah. I remember like you got like right off the bus.

I think I moved that week. You really were. Diana was like, oh, you know, I've got Trixie. Her season's coming out. And I remember being like, oh my God, this is so crazy. I was like, well, how did she place? And she's like, well, I think she's like fifth or something like that. Were you sixth or fifth? Who cares? Oh, the days. I think I was sixth. We all think you were sixth. Oh,

You're like, we all think you were first. Yeah, in our hearts you were first. But I remember the door opening and Pennywise is standing in the doorway. And I was like, oh my God, what is this chaotic Barbie? And I was like, oh my God, I'm obsessed. And...

Yeah, it was just so fun. And you were just like, I'm here, I'm new. And it's just so exciting to see how much you've just blown up over the years. Physically. Physically blown up. Yeah. Like we need Ozempic. I know. You know, I have lost some weight and everybody keeps commenting, Ozempic queen. You? Yeah. You've always looked like this. Thank you. You're just like getting older and like, you know.

It's like you're settling, you know? The baby pounds are coming off. No, it's not settling. It's sort of like, you know when you cook deer meat to become a jerk in a shriek? I'm just getting more dehydrated. Oh, you're dehydrated. I'm not losing weight. I'm drying like weed in the oven. Rumpelstiltskin. Sort of just, you know, gaunt, perhaps. I just ran into Devin Green and she said...

Our cheekbones could have a fist fight. They could. And I said, are you going to hurt me? Devon Green's face, her cheekbones could cut diamonds. Like it's just, oh, she's so beautiful. I just saw her recently. She's so beautiful. So funny. But I mean, I know we're not supposed to, when we talk about people who are very talented, especially women, I feel bad immediately talking about how beautiful they are. But I also feel like, well, Devon puts a lot of work into her hair and makeup. She probably wants people to notice that she looks great.

That whore is one of the most beautiful faces I've ever seen in my life. It's just bones, skin, teeth, and eyes. Yeah, it's just like a forensics dream. That's not a very good way to describe it. She's just a bag of bones, teeth, glass, and hair. Well, you know, the crowd I run with takes a lot of...

Yeah. You know, and she probably gets out of bed looking pretty fucking great. Like, she just looks like a romance novel cover. Yeah. Like, she's just like... Well, that's like your hair. Yeah, well, this, this, yeah. Well, this is my dark phase. I got rid of the blonde. You were blonde. Were you living, though? I was living...

And then I missed it. I missed the brown. I was just like, who is this facade? Do you feel more grounded? I feel grounded. Yeah, I'm in my new era. I'm in my brunette fall era. You feel like Kyle Richards now. Like everyone else around you is all blonde and pumped. And you're like, but I'm brown hair. I'm the girl down the street.

Kyle Richards. Do you play Kyle Richards? Yeah. I look in the mirror and I go, you are Kyle Richards. Yes. We're going to Aspen. Whatever I see. What's the hat store she goes to? A girl. Who knows? What is it? It's like, it's, it's like, um, it has, it's not Bottega Louie. It's something like,

Kimo Sabe. Oh, yeah. Well, you know, white girls love those big dumb hats. I hate a big dumb hat. Those like big, that's the pumpkin spice sort of Freddy Krueger. It's right around the corner. It's happening now. Pond on the glass table. By the way, can you believe all this decoration and the stupid little Barbie plant? No, I love this. I want to do this with my podcast. I want like just knickknacks and trinkets and treasures. Well, you know how we did this? Kati and I came in on a day off on our own time and decided that they should do it.

Oh, good, good. But we started placing items over here, like making a pile of like, hey, when we eventually do this. And then a lot of this is just fan art and shit. I love it. Whatever, you know. So how long have you lived in Los Angeles? God, girl. Shit. I think this month actually is like my, yeah, it'll be like my 18th year, I think. 17 or 18th year.

How old are you? I don't want to talk about this. You really... You honestly have not aged a moment since I met you. I know, and I want to keep it like that. I'm a vampire, you guys. Like...

You're being preserved. No work, no Botox, no filler, nothing. Just formaldehyde. Yeah. Gin in a bottle. When I go to sleep, it's a jar of pickle juice. It's all it is. Yeah, you say, good night, babe, and you kiss your lover on the lips. My lover on the lips. Yes, and you grab that drum of formaldehyde and pull it down over you. I actually bought Michael Jackson's crypto elephant man casket that I sleep in every night. Are we allowed to talk about Michael Jackson ever again? No.

Next question. So many parts of Michael Jackson's existence are funny and fun and pop culture. Like, you know, it's like Anna Nicole, like just like an icon. Well, yeah. But if he, if he did do some of the things that people said he did, then it's like even bad to, you know, this took a turn. Okay. We don't have to talk about it.

Well, honestly, people react so strongly. I just did a gig where almost at every gig in the last year, I've played that Purple Disco Machine remix of About Damn Time by Lizzo. Yes, yes. It's a great beginning. Purple Disco Machine is everything. Everything. I love them so much. Is it just one person? It's one person. Yeah, it's a guy, right? I think he's like a German straight guy. Of course. Which means the gayest music you've ever heard. If you guys don't know Purple Disco Machine, he remixes and makes like basically revamps old disco tracks and turns them out. Yeah.

But I played that About Damn Time remix, the one that won the Grammy this year, and it usually gets the drunk people going. And it was the week of the allegations. And even without them being proven or disproven, the room went silent. Yeah. People need to calm down and just wait for updates. So before you even know what happened, you just are like afraid of this track playing. But then if I literally play a Michael Jackson track early in the set, no one cares. So I'm like, what? Where do we draw the line? Yeah. Yeah.

I don't know. I think it's just very strange how people just jump to conclusions and being like, she's ruined. It's just like it happened like two hours ago. I know. Get the facts straight. All this kind of stuff. It's like with the Joe. What's his name? Joe Jonas and his wife, Sophie. They just got divorced. But like over the weekend, it was like they took his ring off. They're not talking. And now they're like, oh, they're divorced. Well, do you remember the Try Guys scenario? The which one? The Try Guys?

Yes. I think one cheated on his wife or something. Yes. They acted like he was Osama Bin Laden. Yeah. Like...

Try terrorism. Yeah. Divorce or what is it? Infidelity. Infidelity, affairs, polyamory. Like that is like one of the most prevalent things in marriages. I'm like, can we all act like, why are we all going to act like our lives are perfect when somebody else fucks up? Why are we all going to act like our lives are fucking perfect? I don't get it. I don't get it. And that's what I like to do in my standup is kind of let everyone know like, hey,

We all make mistakes. We're all trash. Yeah, look at me. That should be the name of my next special. We're all trash. We're all trash. Today's episode is brought to you by Angie. Angie has made it easier than ever to connect with skilled professionals to get all your jobs and projects done well. Let me tell you, there's the version of it where you try to do something at home, and then there's a version of it where you have someone help you, you watch them do it the right way, and you go, thank God I didn't try to do that myself.

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The Bald and the Beautiful is supported by FX's English Teacher. From Paul Sims, the executive producer that brought you What We Do in the Shadows, FX's English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school.

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Do you want to do a new special? Yeah, I think I'm gonna I'm gonna shoot for it probably next year taping it sometime next year It's such a process. It is I'm ready one in it I know that I can only scratch the surface of what you guys do which is put them out like like annually Have you done like a comedy record? I haven't done a record but my special came out my first special came out last year on out tv which is Which was great. It was called gay bash and um

I had a great time doing it. It was like the comedy store opened it up. They were like, you know, it's so weird because everything thinks that like, if it's not streaming, then it's not valid. You know what I mean? So the comedy store was just like, let's start putting out specials. Like it's, this is it. This is our home. Let's just do an hour and film it and put it out there. Yeah. And it was just very raw and very new and very me at the time. And then, you know, this next one, obviously I want it to be bigger and better, but like,

It's that like, oh, it's not valid unless it's on Netflix or Hulu or HBO or whatever. I'm sorry, Max. Girl, one of my specials got a Critics' Choice Award nomination like two years ago maybe. And everybody else in the category was like, their special was Netflix or Peacock and mine was from my YouTube channel. Yeah. And I've never felt more like...

The Hills Have Eyes at an event where I was just like, what about my special? There's a mutant desert troll loose. They're like, what network is your special on? My YouTube channel. And they're like, have a great night. But that's the thing. A lot of people are doing that now because it's just like you have the control over the views, what you want to put, what you want to say. All that stuff is on YouTube. A lot of the streamers are just like, let's cut this, you know, because it might be a little problematic or whatever. But it's like,

at least with YouTube, you have like full access to whatever you want to say. And I think that's very important. Well, especially with comedy. Why are you buying a special? If your instinct is to tell people what not to say in that special, if there's one group of people that doesn't like to be told what to say, I think it's comics for sure. Like what? This is the one business where your job is to get up there and say whatever you think. Right. So what the fuck are you telling me to say? Like, and who are you to have problems with my stuff?

You know what I mean? Who are you to center yourself as like the moral compass? But here's the thing. Everyone's a troll now.

I know I am. Everyone's a troll. You don't troll people. No, I don't troll people, but I have been trolled long enough. Of course. And now I think it's actually very amusing. I'm finally getting trolled. I feel, and when you, when you get trolled, that's when you know you're doing good. What do they say about you? Um, you know, not funny, kill yourself, you know, the use. So you got my text. And I'm like, exactly. I got your text voicemail. Yeah. Yeah. Tweet. I don't get, I've gotten a couple like the, the voice DMs.

And then I like, and then I get into my head. I'm like, what does this person look like? Where are they in their house? Do they have a house? You know, is this just like a click? They send a voice DM of like, Hey bitch, I hate you. Bye. What do they say? And it's like always zero follows, zero posts, like that. Like, so they take time to create a fake account to hate me. And that means a lot.

That's so crazy. David and I got one the other day that was like, because I made David be on season one of Trixie Motel. So I think he thought everyone was going to hate him. And instead, of course, his DMs are like 18-year-olds being like, daddy. Oh, yeah. I'm like, yeah, if you're gay and you have lived at all, you are daddy. Yeah. To like 12-year-olds in Pennsylvania, whatever. I'm a zaddy now. Oh, you're zaddy. I'm zaddy. I've skipped the daddy. Yeah. What's the difference? I don't know. I think a zaddy is just more like- Uncut.

Hammer dick? You know, I've been called worse. Yeah. No, I just think it's just like a like, I don't know. I think it may be a little gayer daddy. Oh, it's like when you have such a bad lisp that you can't say D's. It could just be that. Like, he's a thotty. Real friends of WeHo's. Thotty. Did you watch that? No. Well, I did. I know Joey, though. I met one of them at Starbucks the other day. He's very sweet. Joey. Joey Zazig.

He's the one... He sounds like he's... I don't know where he's from. It's like very like... He sounds very East Coast and it's very like this. Okay. Is he really tan, dark hair, tall? At the time, yeah. Yeah. Very sweet. I watch the show because I like to support the women, the gays, the girls. And it was...

People really rejected that show. Oh, people hated it. But they hated it, I think, without even watching it. Well, because it interfered with Drag Race. Yeah, of course.

God forbid these fags on TV get in the way of me watching these fags on TV. Exactly. Can't we just have it all? Why are you all acting like it's 1994 and you follow the cable schedule? You all watch it whenever you want anyway. Yeah. What does it fucking matter? Although it cut into the 90 minute like drag race, right? Do you really think down at Viacom there was a bunch of people around a round table and they said, well, we have this show called Real Friends of WeHo.

Should we cauterize and neuter our juggernaut success drag race? I think we should press the button. I guarantee drag race was cut down to an hour before that show was even pitched. Yeah, I guarantee if you guys think that that show was shortened for real friends of WeHo, I have a fucking iceberg. I want to sell you bitch. Like what are you? People are so crazy. Oh yeah. People are so, but people don't understand people. They're not in the industry.

They don't know how it works. RIP, that's a show that I miss. What was it? The other two. Did you watch the other two? Yeah, some of it. The industry. You guys don't get it. You guys don't get it. You're not in the industry. You're not in the industry. You're not in the industry. You're invisible. If you're not in the industry, you're actually very lucky. Yeah. You know what I was thinking the other day? I don't have a personal Instagram. I only have drag Instagrams.

When I go to people's... Oh, you don't have your Instagram. I don't have like a Brian Instagram. A Brian, yeah. So all my social media is just Trixie. And when I go to people's Instagrams that are normal people who aren't performers, I'm like, a picture of a dog. Oh, a sunset. Ew, great emotions. But then I'm like, well, what would I post if I wasn't cross-dressing? Probably fucking my breakfast and a dog. Like, I don't know. I don't even have a dog. And I'd be like, here's my dog. I would just... I think I'd fabricate my life. You get into the trends, though. I've seen you doing like the like...

The Instagrams are like, you're like changing shirts. I'm like, shut up. The things I will, listen, the things I will do to sell something, don't ever underestimate me. It's about damn time. The other day I did do fully like an outfit jump. Yes. Because I was showing the motel merch. And by the way, can I tell you, I have never felt more fucking elderly than filming that. Than jumping? No.

like snapping and changing outfits is what tiktok circa 2013 like it's not 13 probably it's not even like the way people used i was using it like in a time warp like marty mcfly back to the future that's how people use tiktok like eight years ago and here i am being like snap new outfit and like there's no joke to it no i think people watched it waiting for the other shoe to drop and

And I just, I actually participated earnestly in changing outfits on TikTok. And I wanted to die immediately. Do you edit that yourself? Here's me going, how does it work? Like I did. I spent time doing it myself. How long did it take?

40 minutes? God. Yeah. I was, listen, whatever. Is it CapCut? No, I like Splice. Okay. I like Splice. Okay. Squarespace? Today I want to talk to you about Squarespace. I'm not going to make you read ads while you're here. I would love to read an ad. We could have a blonde wig in here and some red lipstick and been like, Katya's here to read an ad.

I'm doing great. She wishes. She wishes. Your cheeks are so full. Thanks. And she, well, you know, she looks like. Well, I'm working out now. You are. I did. How's that going? Not like I did. I'm doing. Yeah. You look trim. Thanks. I had to. Because it's like during COVID. And then after like COVID, I kind of like slipped off. I kind of quit my gym because I was just, I just want a gym to work out. I don't need a gym to like hook up.

- Absolutely not. - Right? I just wanna-- - I'm not doing that, I'm sorry. - Okay, and I'm not judging you if you do, but like, and I wanna go to a gym where I can use the machines and not have people just sit there looking on their phones.

I, I, it drives me insane. So I left my gym and then I didn't go for like five months. And then I started seeing pictures of myself and I'm like, who is this manatee on stage? Right. And it was me. I was the problem. It's me. Yeah. And then like two months ago I joined a gym and I'm just like every day I'm in and out just taking these classes, just,

Just throwing beanbags. It's great. You have to just go for it. It's so good. I think, maybe you experienced this, I feel like when I was younger, younger, younger, my internalized fear of my gayness and stuff made me so scared to go to places where people are doing fitness or athleticism. Because I'm like, I don't belong. Go back to the mall, bitch. And everyone's just like... Everyone's just hot and like, you know. It's like that scene in Mean Girls where, but everyone's walking in slow motion to Pass the Dutch by Missy Elliott. Where it's just like...

I love that song. Oh, me too. But it's slow motion. Everyone's judging you. And, you know, I had a steam room incident where I was just like, I can't do this. Did you get jerked off? Thank you. No, I did not. But I like I got in there and I sat down and then the steam went

subsided and everyone was just like, and I'm like, okay, this is not. And then I became a steam room Karen. And I went to the front desk and it's like, just to let you know, and everyone else can know there is a full on porn happening in the steam room. And the guy was like, not again. And then they closed the steam room for like five weeks. You did this?

You are whistleblowing on the queer community. And people were like, they're like, I said something about the steam room. And I was like, oh, what a travesty indeed. By the way, now they're just going to jerk off on the elliptical. I know now at least the steam was protecting you. Now, was it though? Well, now they're going to be like, Katya's not here today. Getting COVID in the steam room. Love. Which one did you go? Did you go to the crunch?

Oh, its reputation still lives on.

Well, no, they all are nasty because I went to the 24 hour fitness on Santa Monica for years. And that one, everyone said is the hookup one. I never saw sex there. No, but I never went to steam room. I think that's where it happens. Yeah. And everyone says that happens everywhere. And I have not seen anything like that. Actually, I do take it back because it was the first time I was at my gym now, but I went to the Beverly Hills location and it was like seven o'clock in the morning and it went down to the locker room. And all of a sudden I heard, Oh,

And I was like, is it, am I, it follows right now? Is this where, this is my destiny? And so of course me, I'm alone in the locker room and I'm like, Nancy Drew over here, like going over to the, going into the bathroom and there's two guys in the handicap stall just going at it. And I'm like, you know what? Let them live. You had a metamorphosis. Now you're fine with it. Yeah. I've grown. You heard just like, oh.

Yeah. It just sounded like the beginning of Britney Spears' Slave for You. Like, I see you. I see you. And I just want to dance with you. Yeah. Yeah. And I was like, you know what? This is probably just two straight men who hate their lives in a handicapped stall. Who am I? No one. I'm not saying I've never had sex in a bathroom, but I'm saying for me personally, bathroom smells. Ugh.

Don't go with sexy time. Bathroom smells? Bathroom smells. If you're in bed having sex and you smell a bathroom smell, everything comes to a screeching halt. Everything stops. So why in the second floor of the Macy's, in the handicap stall, are we just smelling piss and shit and fucking? But it's Macy's, so it's like... Yeah. Well, actually, it was Saks Fifth Avenue. Well, even better. Kind of better, right? Yeah. Now, in the hierarchy of department stores, like Saks Fifth Avenue...

- Macy's, Nordstrom's, like what's the best and the worst? Macy's is the worst, right? - Like to have sex in a department store? - No, like, oh. - Like, Saks is the fanciest, right? - Yeah, Saks is the fanciest. - And then Nordstrom, and then Macy's. - I would say Nordstrom, Macy's, Bloomingdale's. - Yeah. - And then-- - Whatever else. - Like H&M. - Mary, that's not a department store. - No, Zara. - That's also not a department store. - Zara's not a department store? - Do you know what a department store means? It's a store with departments in it. ♪ Hello darkness my old friend ♪

No, like a main, like a main. Yeah. Well, what if it's one of those giant H&M's that has like H&M home? Maybe that's a department store. Is there an H&M home? Yeah. Right. They have like, you know, like big urban outfitters will have like the home section. Urban outfitters. What a time. Primark has a home section too, I think.

um were you ever retail gay no no you were a food service gay i was a food service gay and you worked at the fred siegel didn't i did good memory what's the tea at the fred siegel oh what do you want to know well you used to wait on the kardashians i did i had i mean uh i had them all like it was like early it was like the the aughts yeah and i remember it was before they were what they are now worst i was good at my job but like

If you asked a dumb question, I was going to give you a dumb answer. Mind you, I had been out all night doing spots around town, and then I had to go in to the breakfast shift. It was like, you get there at like 9 o'clock, and you set up, and then the doors open at 10, and then you're hungover. You're just beat. You're rotted, but you're trying to pull it together, and you're making coffees and fucking croissants for people. I remember there was a time when...

I had a couple heartbreaking moments where, you know, I'm going up to people and I'm pouring their iced tea and they're like, were you at the improv last night? And I'm like, yeah. They're like, you're really funny. Can I get more tea? And I'm like,

At least they said you were funny. They did. They could have been like, you weren't funny. Can I get more tea? But I did have like my, my best Kim Kardashian moment was Kim came in by herself. Um, she sat at a table. There was nobody else in the restaurant. It just opened and I'm just not having it. And they're like, Kim's at like table five or whatever. And I'm like, God, not like this. So she was like regular. It was like, she was like a regular, but they did like call the pap paparazzi on themselves to be like, we're eating. Um,

It's wild. Stop it. We're eating. Guys, just leave us alone. We're having carrots. Yeah. Baby carrots. They brought their own baby carrots. Sophia Richie would bring her own vegetables. Just saying. Love. And so Kim came in one time and I went up to her and I was like, and you have to act like you don't know them, you know, because whatever. And I was just like, hi, what can I get for you? And she goes, do you guys have like a latte? And I go, well, we have a latte. We don't have like a latte.

- Work. - And she was like, "Uh-huh." And like totally didn't get it. You know what's insane about that is you would have like these Sofia Richies, these, Kylie and Kendall would come in all the time and you know, they'd leave and and you're just like, "I'm just trying to work. Can you just move?" But like then all of a sudden you would have like Sally Field.

John Malkovich sitting like by themselves and no one's giving a shit. It's that's what infuriated me. I was like, like I'm gagging over like Sally Field eating with her gay son and no one cares. Right. Well, you know what that is? It's because the person that buys the clicks on articles or buys magazines or whatever is a certain age group. And if that age group doesn't know who John Malkovich is, they aren't going to.

You think the teen, like the thing that's going to get traction on Twitter is like John Malkovich spotted drinking coffee. I wish. I just saw Dangerous Liaisons the other night and I was like, God, he was so good in that movie. I have. Do you know Dangerous Liaisons? Isn't he in Good Will Hunting? That's the only thing I can think of. Oh, it's Cruel Intentions. He did. It's Cruel Intentions version. Well, he was. No, he wasn't in Good Will Hunting. No, he was in Being John Malkovich. Mm.

I just watched The Flash the other night. Well, someone needed to. I loved it. Well, another celebrity moment in my history was Ellen DeGeneres was there once. And I looked at her and it was like looking into the eyes of Medusa. And this was like before, you know, the scandal or whatever. Well, she has blue eyes. Yes. Piercing blue eyes. People with piercing blue eyes look crazy all the time. They do. People with that blue of eyes, you're like, if you looked right at me, would I turn to stone? It's just...

And she just looked at me and was like, oh. It's like a Halloween decoration. Yeah. It's like people with those blue eyes and huskies with those blue eyes. I'm just like, ugh. It's just creepy blue. Yeah. But I mean, I had some good times in there. And I left because I got a writing gig. And then the rest is history. Yeah. It was a good time. And it's crazy, too, because I have to park there still to get to the improv in that parking lot. Oh, my God. So every now and then I see the cafe's new class. And they're all like, that's Justin. He used to work. And I'm like, what?

Dream on, children. Is it like a lot of like actors and stuff who work in there? I don't know. I don't really think so. There's people who've worked there for a long ass time. But Mike Wilson's the manager there. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what's so funny? I'm always thinking like that in LA, like everybody who works in Waits Table is like an aspiring actress or whatever. What I've learned living here is everybody wants to be an actress or musician, has rich parents and has no job. Yeah. So they're not like... They're not putting their dues in.

No, that girl from that movie you love two years ago was not waiting tables in Discovered. Do you want to hear something crazy? This is a story. I'm so glad I remember this. So there was like years ago, it was probably like, it was probably right when I got passed at the comedy store. So it was like 2009. I worked at this hotel in West Hollywood and I had to get up at like five or six o'clock in the morning, even before.

way earlier to do room service for the breakfast. And this is back when I didn't have a car, but I lived right down the street. And so one morning I'm walking to the hotel and this pickup truck pulls up next to me and he's like, where are you going? And I'm like, I'm going to work. He goes, need a lift? And I'm like, no, I'm good. He goes, want a blow job? And I'm like,

And he's like, well, you look like you need one. And I'm like, well, thank you, sir. But no, I have to go to work. And he's like, all right. And he drove off. And I got to the hotel. I was like, oh, my God, I think someone just thought I was a prostitute. And I said, when I said I had to go to work, he probably felt like I'm going to work as a prostitute in the morning. I was like, do I look like a morning prostitute to you? You know, not to be dumb, but I bet a lot of prostitutes work that shift going into work. Yeah.

Yeah. Because some people will probably leave early for work and then have a prostitute gig, like hire a prostitute on the way to work. Yeah, probably. But then I go into work. Is it okay to say prostitute? We can say... Sex worker? Prostitute. What's fine? Let's bring up courtesan again. I'm just a courtesan. But no, you can't say... Prostitute's fine. Hooker's not okay. Hooker's fine. I...

I think we're not shaming anyone. Is escort okay? Escort's fine. Okay. I think everything's fine, but Ford escort, Ford escort, Hyundai Elantra, Toyota sun or whatever. So I'm working with this guy named Robbie, right? And Robbie and I did the morning shift a lot and he was in a band. So I would do comedy at night and he would go play gigs around town on sunset and stuff. And he was just no straight.

And so a couple of years go by and all of a sudden I see him pop up and he's doing gigs and stuff. And then I'm like, who's this woman? And he gets married. He is now married to Elizabeth Olsen, Scarlet Witch. And like everyone's journey is different. I was like, oh my God, here I am as a standup comic. And now he's like this rock and roll guy married to Elizabeth Olsen. I'm like, wow, that's,

And I could say like, yeah, I used to work with that guy. So wild. Some people move on to better things. Yeah. Some don't. Yeah. And here we are. You're in my ex bedroom filling in for a crackhead with COVID. I'm right here.

Crackhead with COVID. Can we say hooker? No, I don't think we can. Crackhead? Totally fine. Well, she has COVID and she originally was like, can I just Zoom in? And I was like, we're not going to put a MacBook on the chair. Yeah, what is this, 2020? You know what I never participated in? What? Zoom stand up. Never. Kill me. I never participated in that. And I also didn't participate in parking lot stand up. But you did, didn't you?

It was it like being in the movie Cars scene. What was it like being in the movie Cars? No, it was like, you know what? Now that you mentioned that like being in Christine. Yeah, it was like it was like you're in a drive-in theater. It was like do you remember Peewee's Big Adventure? Yeah, of course when he's introducing his movie at the end in the drive-in. It was like that. It was like you go up. It was the most bizarre thing. Tammy Jo Deeren bless her put together this comedy show in the Magic Castle parking lot.

And it was like this weird like Rascal Flatts video set with like Hope floats, like wooden deck with like exposed lights with like 4th of July banners. And I'm from Texas, so that's my interpretation of it. Sounds like Cracker Barrel, bitch. Very outdoor Cracker Barrel chic. And all these cars are lined up and they're clapping with their headlights.

So what? During the set or no? Huh? At the end or at the beginning of it? During, and then they gave them little like clappers, you know, like those carnival clappers. So they'd stick them out the windows and you just hear, shut your fucking mouth. Shut your mouth. That's literally sounds like- They dial in on a radio channel to like hear us. Oh, it was so bizarre. I remember me, I remember Margaret Cho, Sherri Shepherd, like Jamie Kennedy, and we're all like backstage and we're like, is this it? Like, is this what we're doing now?

And it was so bizarre, but it was so fun. And it was just still an outlet for us to like express ourselves and perform. But yeah, that was who I didn't do any of the zoom because I had my birthday that month, March. And you sent me a very sweet video message. Um,

for my birthday, but I was like, I had plans that week. I was ready to go out. Then it was like, and I was like the first zoom, like birthday. I remember that. It must've been like mid March. Yeah. It was mid March, March 20th was my birthday. You know, I, I didn't do the zoom or I didn't do the, the drive in standup thing. Cause I guess I thought like, if they didn't like your jokes, they just pull the e-brake and car rolls you over. And like, that's it. Like, you know, I don't know. I just light a match in their car. Yeah.

I guess the people could like hotbox themselves and like, I don't know. I think that's what it was. Everyone got stoned. Cause you'd see like smoke coming out of the windows. But I think like, I don't know, seeing someone on stage and like turning on the radio to hear their voice would have felt very like war of the worlds or something to me, like dystopian. Oh, what a great reference. I love that movie. Yeah. Sort of like we live in a time where stand up is outside. I don't know. I couldn't, I, I'm glad I didn't do it. But when I did come back from COVID and have to start doing gigs again, it,

Did feel like improv level one. It was like, oh God, I hate all my old jokes. It was improv level one. And since I haven't been working, I don't have any new jokes. Well, and that's what's funny too, because there was a time when like after we started going back into the clubs, everyone was like COVID, am I right? Yeah.

matter than covid when what so there was like that time and now it's just kind of like taboo if you mention it unless you know we surge again actually seven new strains developed while we were talking i bet this podcast i know i was talking to michelle collins and we were talking about her love yeah oh yeah you're a good friend i just think she's one of those people that knows every gay person she's amazing though but she we were talking about like she was she was the first one who was like she was like i don't want to out her but she was like you know i'm not conservative but like

I don't think everything everyone always says about COVID is true. And I'm like, of course, because we knew everything we knew at the time, but it was changing all the time. Right. So everything you thought yesterday could be a lie tomorrow and then like fake the next day. And it's,

Who knows? I had my doors locked, my windows shut. I was like, like in my bathtub, just like, I can never see anyone ever again. Like people were dropping stuff off, like, like postmates and shit. And I'd have my lice all just. Oh, I know me in that kitchen break me in that kitchen. We're wearing rubber gloves, like,

It's wiping an apple down with like rubbing alcohol. Oh, yeah. People. What are we? What are we doing? Who am I? Am I Bill Nye the science guy? Yeah. Why does that that sanitation to me is dipping a fucking banana and nail polish mover and be like, I guess it's good. Like, I don't know. I'm not a doctor.

Taking a silkwood shower in bleach. You're like, this is good. This is good for me. Oh, the skin's coming off. Okay, sure. Who knows, girl. How long have you and your partner been together? This month, it'll be two years. Love that. The 17th of September, yeah. Now, what is your least favorite thing? I'm just kidding. Well, my least favorite thing about him? No, you don't have to say that. How'd you guys meet? In real life. In the wild? In the wild. Did you bump into each other at Barnes & Noble?

You would think. But you guys are gay. I don't know. Was it Starbucks? Sephora? No, no, no. What did you say? Sephora? And what was the other one? Starbucks? No, Barnes and Noble. Barnes and Noble. No, I met him at a very respectable establishment called High Tops. Barnes and Noble? Starbucks? No, I met him at Case Bar. Yeah, I met him at a very established bar. High Tops is nice. It's really cute. But it's funny because I had this astrologer.

celebrity astrologer now uh kyle thomas and he does like astrology for um cosmo and like all these magazines and stuff and really good and like i had my podcast and he was like um you're gonna meet somebody in the end of like in the fall something like that and this was like maybe like two three months prior and i was like okay

and was like no i think this one's like the one and i'm like all right cool thanks for coming on and i had two shows that night in september at the comedy store and he calls me up and he's like yeah it's my like you know la anniversary because people do that i've survived this long in the city let's drink i'm like okay um and it was like 11 30 and i was like no i think i'm gonna like call call it quits he's like there's a whole bunch of guys here you probably you need to meet people you need to like get back on the market and how long have you been single

Oh, for a while. Just 12 years. Yeah. The last guy I dated was just a complete psychopath. And I was like, never again. And, um,

There is that moment after breaking up where you're like, I'm confidently telling you I will never date again. Ever. There is a complete unflinching assurance that I will never fuck with that again. Yeah. I was like, I'm not doing this ever again. And I went down to high tops and I'm looking at all the guys and they all look like cookie cutouts of one another. They're all like the same person. Just jobless and gorgeous. Yeah. Jobless and gorgeous. Nobody in Los Angeles has a job and no personality. No personality. They're just like a mesh, a mesh top.

If that. If that. This was like more like polos and just like they all looked like their names. They're still talking about the Taylor Swift concert they saw six months ago. Yes. Yeah. Very that. Yeah. And then I look down and I see this like, you know. I look down. I look down. Well, I look down, you know. On everyone. I look down on everyone. Well, he's not super tall. Well, I'm like 6'4". Yeah. He's 5'8". That is looking down. Yeah. You said, oh, shit. He's my short king. And I look down. It's like this little cocker spaniel just looking at me like.

Uh-huh. With his dick out. With his what? His dick out. Not dick, his tongue. His tongue was out. You know, big eyes, big hair. He had big like Midwest...

I called him Pamela. He does have big ass hair. He has big hair as well. So, I mean, everyone's like, of course you guys are together. I'm like, don't hair shame me and my partner. At least we don't look alike. You know what I mean? But we have good hair. But his hair was like full coiffed. Like I called him Pamela when we first started dating because it was just full Midwestern wig. He does have huge hair. He has big hair. Dave and I look like two fucking everlasting gobstoppers. If you suck him, I suck him, I suck him. They never get any smaller.

Like we do. And you guys look so... His hair is almost bigger than yours. Yeah, I know. Don't remind me. But like, no, we just started like talking and he just got out of an engagement and I had a partner pass away during COVID, an ex of mine. And so we just kind of took our time together.

And yeah, and like, I honestly, and now we live together and like... I had an ex pass away kind of recently. Yours did? An ex, yeah. I haven't really told many people about it. But it's a weird feeling, right? It is weird. How long were you all together? We were together maybe three years, like in my early 20s. Yeah. And it just was weird. Not because like, I mean, anybody passing away you know is sad. But when you had that level of intimacy with someone, it's a very...

I don't know. It's very strange. When you've been in love with someone, you don't think they're ever going to die, weirdly. That's it. And the feeling of like, oh my God. It's not like they've moved away. They're gone from the planet. Yeah. And that's the reality where you're just like, wow. And I immediately think of the craft. You don't even exist anymore. And that's really what it is. You're just like, oh, you're just like gone. And it's very strange. And we were off and on for like,

but we were still friends. And it's just weird because every now and then I'll like, you know, I'll walk by where we used to live and I'm just like, huh? And then there's like a light on because like somebody else has lived there now or lives there now. And I'm just kind of like, Hmm. Strange. Very. I, my, my, he was my, probably my first like serious, like long, we live together and stuff.

And it's weird because I, of course, don't have any regrets that we broke up or anything. We weren't, you know, we were great for each other when I was like 21. I love you forever. It says everyone at 20, 21. Of course, of course. But it was just weird to, when you have been in love with someone, you don't imagine that they're ever going to go away. I have never had a romantic partner die. It's a different, it's weird. Yeah. It's just weird. Hashtag vulnerable Trixie. It's just weird. And it makes you think not to be whatever it makes me be like, oh my God. Yeah.

every ex I have and my current partner will all someday die. Yeah. It's life. You know, it is bizarre. I don't like that. Yeah. Was it like, if you don't mind, was it like, was it tragic? No. Okay. Perfect. And this is why Kati is not here as well. Well, I mean, isn't it always tragic? It's always, yeah, it's always tragic, but it was like, it wasn't like disease or was it like, um, we don't know. I mean, he had a, he had,

on and off problems yeah you know the kind so we don't know but um it's you know they talk about listen i don't mean to bring up watchman but i'll bring up watchman you always bring up watchman okay i guess i do in watchman dr manhattan is like we're gonna be together for 10 years but it's gonna end in tragedy and regina king is like well why would i want to be with you if you're saying it's gonna end in tragedy and he's like don't all relationships end in tragedy poet they do yeah

Josh Manhattan had he had the big dick right yeah he has the big dick I think his name is Yaya the actor's name is Yaya Abdul and yeah he was naked with a big blue penis I thought what is it like to be the makeup artist not to be whatever

But depending on the weather in the room, whatever, penises change presentations, shapes, sizes. How do you paint genitals blue and then on camera have them continue to look consistently the same, you know? I think it's a prosthetic. You think it's not a real penis? There's no real penises on TV anymore. But it's HBO. Well, right. But I think that was before like the euphoria of it all. No, but HBO is like Rotten.com at this point. HBO is... I think all the wieners, not wieners, look at me, just...

The wieners these days. No, I think they're all like prosthetics. Who had a dick out recently? No, TV's all crazy now. Yeah, there's like prosthetics and everyone's like, oh my God, that guy. There was a guy in what's, was it Succession? No, shit. There was some movie. It's going to drive me crazy. I'm going to wake up tonight and be like, but he had like a huge dong. When Harry Met Sally. Meg Ryan. Billy Crystal. Oh, okay.

So my final question is to you. You are a picture of a success story of chasing your dream and actually achieving it. Wow. So are you. How did you do it? And what would you tell your younger self? Oh, God. Is this real? What would you say to little Justin? Nine-year-old.

Someone did this to me at Pride. A TikToker came up to me and was like, what would you say? It was like, it's Pride. Oh, no. The ghost of Katya lives on. Someone came up to me at Pride and was just like, we're here. We're proud. What would you say to your nine-year-old self? And I was just like,

and I'm like, girl, shut up. Get the spotlight out of my face. What would you say to your young self? Girl, shut up. Girl, shut up. I mean, I think... Girl, get over it. Live on. I don't know. I think... I'm so happy. I'm glad I pushed on. There was a time where I... There was a couple of times, actually, where I was like, I can't do this. I can't do this. And I was fortunate enough to have friends who were like...

You've got this. Stay on my couch. Regroup. Focus. I had a lot of people believe in me and just say like, no, no, no, no. Just stick with it. Believe in yourself. And I'm glad I had that inner. What's the opposite of a saboteur? What's the opposite of a saboteur? I guess like an inner cheerleader. Inner cheerleader saying like, you know what you can do? My mom always told me, never forget who you are.

And never forget where you came from. And I just think that's always kind of stayed with me. And I just feel like, especially in this industry where it's like, you know, I'm not a drag queen. No, not yet. Um,

But I'm putting myself out there and I'm playing with like these like machismo dudes. And here I am, this little LGBT, like right in the middle of them all and letting them all have it and showing them like it can be done. And I've had these young kids who are trying to get into comedy being like, you're such a

you know, inspiration for me and like a role model for me. And I'm like, I guess I can do that. But at the same time, I want to use my voice and my platform to like uplift us. Cause it's fucking dark out there right now. You know, we did the drag is in dangerous telethon. And it was just like the fact that we even have to do this because of the anti drags,

drag legislation and everything. It's just preposterous. And I was like, I'm not a drag queen, but I can host. So it's okay to also be over it. Like, I feel like for artists, you're, it's like when you feel over it, you're like, well, I can't tell anyone because everyone thinks that I love my job. So I can't say anything about it, but I'm over it. Yeah. And then sometimes it's okay to be like, I don't know about you, but I have these massive waves of inspiration where I love it. And then deep valleys where I'm like, I never want to see a wig again. For sure.

For sure. Just being, just allowing yourself to be like, nothing is permanent. All these feelings, good or bad are always temporary. Enjoy the highs and then know that the lows go away. But also the best creativity comes from the lows. I found, I love that. I love being in deep depression and then being like,

I'm going to talk about this on stage. A hundred percent. And people are like, okay. Who wants to hear from standups who are like, my husband loves me. I'm gorgeous and I make great money. Yeah. Am I right, ladies? Yeah. No, you're not right, ladies. You're not right, ladies. Yeah. But I mean, there's some people who are like. Why is this wine glass empty? I know. You call this chill, Chardonnay? You know.

well tell everybody where they can find you because i'm sure they'll want to find you uh well you can't find me at crunch but you can find me at find me at my podcast just saying with justin martindale is available on itunes spotify um i will be on jeff lewis live september 27th love him the debut and uh instagram justin martindale and yeah and i'm gonna come on your pod because you guys do you guys need to come on about 10 times so many times and then last night

I said, will you do this last minute? And you said, of course. So that's what kind of friend I am. That's a good friend right there. Yeah. So go listen to Justin's pod and I'll be on there very, very soon. Goodbye. Bye.

Bye.