Nosferatu Vibes 52:15

Okay. Hey, listen. Hi. Well, we did it. We did it. Well, we got it. We found a way to not get in dry hamburger again.

This is Katya. I'm Trixie. And because we've appeared so many times in so many forums in a video format, we thought we'd finally give you a boner break.

Just so that you can focus on our voices. You know, I hate that. The worst part about drag is that because I'm so beautiful and so sexy, some would say erotic. If you will, thank you. Excuse me. It's hard for people to listen to my thoughts because instead of what's in my head, they're thinking of putting their dick in my head through my mouth and also other parts of my body. Oh, God.

You're just a big blonde bimbo. Yeah. With huge fuckable titties. Yeah.

And something I think we really need to establish is obviously welcome to this brand new podcast. Yes. This was inspired by many people through the years reaching out and saying, you know what? I'll put YouTube, I'll put one of your YouTube shows, whatever, on in the car and I'll just let it play like it's a podcast. Yeah. Which I don't recommend. I don't recommend that either. Watching things on your phone while you're driving. No. No, no, no. But what I do recommend is subscribing to this podcast because this is a podcast. Yes.

podcast yeah uh-huh that's right and you know i'm gonna make a commitment right here and now on this i'm gonna interrupt you less oh now okay i'm so glad you mentioned that because i was gonna bring a dinger ding oh i was gonna bring a dinger i don't have a dinger but i'll bring a dinger next time um uh uh an interrupting dinger you know what we should here wait i have something oh perfect

That's the shade button. But something I want to incorporate into this too is we should do sound effects. Sound effects, yeah. And I also want to, I think, we're always Trixie and Katya and I think in this, I think you should be Katya and Trixie. Alphabetical. Yes. Alphabetical. Because now that I'm not in drag, you know, I'm not going to eclipse you as much. Physically eclipse you, by the way. By being several inches taller than you, wider than you, with bigger hair.

I know. If I turn sideways, I just become invisible. You know, when people ask you, what's it like living in my shadow? They don't mean I'm more famous than you. It's very cool and comfortable.

Yeah. I'm wearing a wig. Now, this is called The Bald and the Beautiful. We are, in fact, two bald, faggy fucks. I love the concept. I do, too. You came up with it. Yes, I did. It's from a soap opera. Have you ever seen The Bold and the Beautiful? I have not. Neither have I. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter, but I think that on this show, we intend to... Listen, we don't endorse or...

How do I say this? Whether or not you believe in certain beauty things mattering or not mattering in society, we are here to objectively talk about...

relationships with beauty. Yeah. Be it like hair extensions and lipstick or body image or perfume or celebrity beauty trends. Yeah. Or the rejection of those things. Like, you know, the people who say, I'm not interested in all that. I'm looking for a natural lady. Right. You know, that kind of thing. Yeah. You know her? Ginger? Yeah. Yeah.

So, I mean, and we're going to talk about our relationship to and our rejection of and our participation in and our rejection of certain concepts of beauty, style, fashion, yada, yada. And also, you know, other people's. And we're very passionate about both the extremes of beauty. I mean, like. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Wiglets and eyebrow tattoos and all that. But I also love people just flat out saying this was the age I, you know, like stopped wearing concealer period or male celebrities doing spray tans. I mean, that counts as beauty. There's a lot of different- Yeah, toupees. Gouges.

gluing on a piece, a piece, gluing on a piece, a hair system. Have you ever read that? Did you have to read that book in school called a separate piece? Do you know what that was called? Is it about a wig? That was about a wig, about a wiglet, about a man's journey with a piece, gluing it on every day. And I, but I'm fascinated because my interest in beauty and my participation in beauty goes into the grotesque. Well, that's why I think you and I are actually are very qualified to talk about some of this stuff because let's be honest,

We have infiltrated an entire industry that hinges on being gorgeous. Just to get your foot in the door, that foot has to be pedicured. And you and I, out of drag, let's be honest. It's a gnarled claw. Yes. If we weren't, if we were at a gay bar and we weren't gay famous,

Ain't nobody would talk to us. If I was a bathroom attendant at Gia Bar, people wouldn't even take a Starburst from me. Yeah. And that's why we're in the very unique position of straddling both worlds. One of Middle Earth and one of Hollywood. Yeah, really. Yeah. Because out of drag, we really get to parody Hollywood.

use all the tropes of Americanized beauty to our advantage by both making fun of it, but also, I mean, even if we're making fun of it, we still look great. And profiting off of it. And profiting off of

of it. So I think like as drag queens, especially you and I, we both like make fun of beauty standards, but we also sort of celebrate that like you can be kind of not that great and you can invoke the smoke in the mirrors and the spells and the pentagrams and turn into a pretty passable person. Yeah. Yeah. I'm extremely passable. And I'm

And something I've found about cosmetics and beauty and perfume and everything is there's also, it's an industry that's never the same. People have different relationships with beauty and stuff all the time. Yeah. And also I'm, I'm fascinated. I mean, I'm fascinated by your participation in the, in the business side of it because I, the trend, just the trend factor of like beauty trends makes my head spin. Yeah. I mean, whether or not, I mean, even people let's, let's say you're not a person who wears makeup or whatever, um,

Whether or not you believe in it, quote unquote, look at the industry. Beauty has been one of the biggest industries you can be in forever. It's never going to go anywhere. And the technology is always changing. And celebrities using it or abusing it is always changing. And we have so many people in our lives, as Trixie and Katya, we've gotten to meet so many people.

Makeup artists, stylists, designers, models, drag queens. We know some of the people who are probably the most influential in beauty. Yeah. Casually. In front and behind the camera. And I usually find that the people behind the camera are the more fascinating ones. Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. I'm so happy you brought that up. Pivoting to the left. Yeah. Let me ask you right now, though. What? Do you feel beautiful right now? Yeah, I do. I'm like.

Do you, tell me, tell me, describe to me how beautiful you are. Well, speaking of beauty, it's called, they're called, they're COVID Toms. They're Indian Toms. these strong tans. And I was on a run the other day and I ran by the Ulta and I was bewitched and I went, I haven't been inside like a beauty store of any kind in a long time and I had my mask on, I went in there and I shopped for makeup because I'm so tan I don't match anything and it was just so magical to be at a makeup store. Really? Okay, yeah. Yes. And,

And all the testers are taped shut. Yeah. I was going to ask, did they let you test anything? No, nothing is even openable. Leave it up to chance. So I had to just by eye sort of match some products for myself and I got home and I'm, I guess I'm still tan enough that still nothing. It's all too light, but that's okay.

It's okay. You know what else? I mean, you don't shop for makeup or anything. Not really. No, I don't. Your favorite product is whatever gets sent in the mail. Whatever gets sent in the mail. And what I do is I go to the makeup store. I did go to the makeup store to get something. I don't remember what. But I go in there, pretend like I've never bought makeup in my life. And I ask a question. I say, what is an eyeliner?

No, you don't. I do. Well, because of the way I look out of drag, which is, let's just say I don't look like a fierce YouTube makeup person. People think I'm shopping for someone. You look like Bob the Builder. Yes. But now I'm actually too famous. Now at Altos and Sephora or Max, I get the primo treatment because they know who I am. Well, see, I'll either do what I said first or I'll do the other thing. I'll say, I'm shopping for my girlfriend.

And she's... My girlfriend. I'm shopping for my girlfriend. I'm shopping for my girlfriend. She has skin. She has everything for skin. She has really good skin. And she also likes to highlight her eyes. What does she look like? Okay, she has two eyes. Long hair. Long hair. She's got six teeth. She's got six of them. A swan-like neck. She's swan-like neck. Okay.

But I mean, and not just makeup and hair. I hope on this show we could talk about other, I don't want to say inner beauty, but let's say self image. Oh, no, no. I want to talk about inner beauty. I want to. Yeah, like self image. Body image. What do you think about, what do you think inner beauty is? Inner beauty is a crock of shit. You think? Yeah, I know. Inner beauty is a crock of shit. Let me tell you, a good character is attractive.

Well, this is the tea. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, right? Yeah, sure. And let's say I think standing by your word is really important. If you're somebody who stands by your word, I would find that attractive and beautiful. Would you say beautiful? I mean, what do we attribute to inner beauty? Confidence, kindness, compassion. All of the pillars of a good character. Yeah. Yeah. Honesty. And you know my favorite phrase, God doesn't give up both hands. He sure doesn't. So I...

I, as an ugly person, I only get by when I see a hot person. I go, they're an idiot and they're a terrible person. Idiot rotted. Yeah. Which is why we have so many friends. Let's see. Devin green, for example. Yeah. Gorgeous. Yeah. Nice, smart, fun, interesting, generous, compassionate. Yeah. Um, I pretend people like people who have it all, you know, but she comes from Canada though. That's she's cheating. Yeah. Well, all of Canada's Northern. Oh,

That's true. She's from Southern Canada. She's from Manitoba. I'm not sure that place actually exists. You know what I mean? Just in terms of... She's from the netherworld. She's otherworldly is what I'm trying to say. She's the exception. She's from New Zealand. New Zealand. New Zealand. You come from New Zealand. And then other aspects of beauty I think we could talk about include fitness for sure. Yeah. Or...

Body positive relationships with yourselves at different weights. I mean, body modification, body modifications. God, do we have people who could inform us on that on this show? We could, and also we could talk about locational differences because I, I mean, I'm sure you've noticed, but moving from, um, Wisconsin to LA, me moving from new England to LA, the whole, uh, Scrabble board is shuffled around. Yup. I literally just got my lips done and Mary, I want more. Yeah. The Scrabble board gets shuffled around and the, the,

I guess what you call it in sports. Football. The first down for what you would consider too much plastic surgery. Once you've lived here, it moves. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. And pretty soon what was noticeable is not. Like to me, when I first moved here and I saw people with work done-

It was like a conversation I had for two days. I saw this lady who had big lips, whatever. And now I don't even think about it. Yeah. It does. You get completely used to it. And it's like the line of what is too much is kind of like way far off in the distance. Now my story is like we went to Gelson's and found parking. You know, that's the unicorn. That's my hot story. Hot takes.

And, you know, we have so many people in our lives who I can't wait to have on here, especially since we know so many funny people. We know so many people who are famous but still do their own hair and makeup. Yeah. People who choose not to wear makeup. Yeah. I mean, because you don't even...

Neither of us have hair. We are bald as fuck. Bald. And I recently shaved my head down to the skin. I'm wearing a wig right now just for personal safety. You look like a hard-boiled egg. Hard-boiled egg, yeah. I don't feel safe unless I have my wiglet on. An egg that's been road-hard and put-away boiled. That's what you look like. Yeah.

But I shaved it down to the skin in the shower. It was a revelation. It's kind of fun. It was really fun. It was really interesting. I thought I was going to rake off the epidermis and I'd be like Hellraiser. You know what I mean? Like Pinhead. But it actually came out pretty smooth. However, because I have pretty severely shaved three quarters of my eyebrows off, I've been experiencing with daytime makeup, which is the...

Makes a huge difference. I couldn't even tell until you mentioned something. Yeah, yeah. It's essential because... Which is crazy because I've never seen you wear out of drag, not a stitch of makeup really ever. I don't wear... I can't do it. Yeah. I can't... There's a line because I think it's about... It's a part of male privilege that I enjoy to the max. It's a part of male privilege.

is being gutter devil's rejects. Walking out of my apartment looking like the roadkill, like looking like roadkill from the devil's rejects and being able to like,

you know, uh, walk through society and have that be acceptable. Looking like a burnt pancake. Looking like a burnt pancake on a wheelbarrow. Like that's what, that's what I do. Yeah. You look like a rubber Bart Simpson toy that melted in the sun. Yeah. But I, but so, but I also have to face my, um, I want to face my prejudice. I have certain prejudices in certain, um, uh, preconceived, uh, uh,

judgments of men who wear makeup and I want to face that like I'm on Tyra Banks' show or like I'm on... Do you know how I wear makeup? I do. During the day. And I'm ashamed. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I pretty much, out of drying, I pretty much wear like a tinted moisturizer, tinted sunscreen every single day. Okay, and that is for...

And. Moisturization. And it just evens out my face. So it's just. So it's a twofer. It's protection and vanity. Yeah. And most of them also are things like anti-pollutants. And it has all that to it too. Free radicals. Yeah. And then my brows aren't very full. So I wear gel every day. You're wearing it right now? Like a brow mascara. You're wearing it right now? Can't tell at all. Yeah. It just coats the hair because I have a lot of.

A lot of hairs, but they're not very dark. So it just makes them more. And because I'm so no hair on my head for me. And you're kind of blonde, which is a little more forgiving. I think with eyebrows. It is forgiving because they're, they're barely there, but they are there because once you get rid of them, it's yeah, it's off the rails. I wear a little concealer sometimes under the eyes. If I'm really tan, I do a little bronzer so that I match my body.

Then I do a full lip. Then I do a thick. Lip liner. Three shadows. Yeah, no. Bottom lashes. I always wear lip balm. Fake jewelry. Yeah. And then I wear cologne pretty much. Honestly, literally everywhere but bed, I wear cologne all the time. I do that too. But I also, and I smoke, which is great for the skin. I smoke. I smoke. Yeah.

I wear perfume. Yeah, you wear cologne. I've seen you wear cologne. Is the smoking kind of part of what makes you wear cologne? Absolutely. Also, the smelling like shit. Do you like shopping? I smell like shit. Have you ever driven cross-country? Yeah. You ever stopped in Arkansas and picked up a dead hog and smelled its asshole? Okay. That's what I smell like. You smell like an armadillo that got eaten from the inside out. Yeah.

I've been so, the past two days, I lift up my arms and I smell my armpits and I recoil in terror, in horror. Well, some of the people listening might know us from the New York Times bestseller list. And in that book we wrote, Trixie and Kachi's Guide to Modern Womanhood, now available everywhere. There's a part where you mention your relationship with hygiene, which I think counts as beauty. Absolutely. Hygiene. Yeah. And somebody had to tell you, you smell. They had to tell me to my face in the bed. You didn't say it was me in the book, but it was. Yeah.

He told me in, but guess what? I had the, I mean, I had the audacity to invite this man into my bed for a sexual purpose. Yeah. And a sexual purpose that involved oral sex of one of sub kind or another. You can imagine, connect the dots. Yeah. And I allowed him to enter my cave.

With it being filled with corpses. Right. House of a thousand corpses. That's your, that's your crotch is house of a thousand corpses. There was this girl, there's this girl went to high school with, and she wore, I didn't know at the time you, when you're a teenager, you don't know what foundation is, whatever. She wore liquid foundation with no powder and she had super oily skin. So she looked one color and wet all day. And people called her POD pile of death. Oh,

Isn't that wrong? I don't even remember her name. I am more, I am more. And I remember the gay boy in our school was like, I mean, it's like she's not even powdering her foundation. I am more horrified by the fact that it was understood what that acronym meant. Yep. P.O.D. P.O.D. Pile of Death. Pile of Death. Girl, small towns. There was a girl, there was a girl who had a mole between her eyes, a big mole between her eyes, and people called her third eye blind.

Oh, no. Third eye blind. Third eye blind. Girl, I went to school with a girl, Penny Nickel. Penny. Have a precious Valentine. She went to Krivitz, well, I won't say where she's from because she went to Krivitz, Wisconsin, but she was a girl, Penny Nickel. I went to kindergarten with her and people called her Sixth Sense. The Sixth Sense. That's, but see, okay. At least that's creative. That's clever. Yeah. I feel like that's clever. Pulling his spine as long as it's clever. It's got to involve a significant amount of wordplay for it to be not, oh.

I mean, did you get bullied? Did you get bullied? No. Did you, did you, um, I mean, people maybe call me fag, but honestly, at the risk of sounding controversial, she got brave. Being called a fag never really bothered me that much because you were a fag. Yeah. And I was just like, I live in a small town and like the guy who drives the Chevy walk drove by and called me a fag. Who cares? Like, I don't know. It wasn't the end of the world to me. Yeah. And you didn't get beat up. So that's okay. Yeah. I think when it, you know, obviously I wasn't out. I think it's worse if you're out and when you're from such a small town, like I was,

The kids I went to kindergarten with were the same kids I graduated with. So like I might be gay, but you knew me since I was five. Yeah, you knew. You've been new, sis. Yeah. You might not even totally or you don't happen a lot in a group. Those guys would be mean to me. But when I won, they wouldn't. So it's almost like that mentality of like they're in a group. They'll say faggot, but not. Yeah. It's not societal pressure because one on one. Yeah. They were, you know. Yeah. They wanted it. Yeah. They want to get it.

No, but some of the, one of the gay guys I went to high school with Corey, hi Corey. He cuts my hair whenever I go to Milwaukee's and he was openly gay. And you know, when you're closeted in high school, the openly gay kid is like, how could you do it? And thank God you're being gay. So no one looks at me. Exactly. Deflecting. Yeah. It's kind of sad, but when you're insecure, thank God for that gay kid who takes the brunt of it. That's I completely agree. He was really gay and he got laid left and right because he would go to these. Why am I whispering? Like these people are listening. Yeah.

He would get laid left and right. He would go to these high school parties and like guys would want, he would get laid. We got to have him on the pod. We absolutely do. I want him on the pod. I want to know about this. I would love to have him. If you think my accent is strong, it means full Wisconsin. You guys want to go to a car? Have fun in the car? Try the Vince Camuto. Try the Vince Camuto. Use guys. Pink Nicki Minaj. Pink Friday. Free tote bag.

If you guys don't know, that's when I worked in the beauty department at Macy's at Mayfair Mall. Oh my God. So you never, I mean, I worked front desk at a salon. I went to beauty school. What are you bringing to this? I have so much expertise. I think just natural beauty, effortless glamour. You're actually a lot more informed about, I think, celebrity beauty than I am. Yes. Well, celebrity beauty and fashion and also the ins and outs of alluring a man.

I misspoke. Luring a man into...

Into a hole. Into a hole. Because I have a lot of experience with the bare minimum of what it takes to achieve a certain level of beauty that is acceptable to invite a man over into my house to do sex to me. And then all those different stages in between of what is the full drag fantasy and what is the absolute cryptkeeper minimum. Well, you've also built a character that is sort of built on what...

society thinks a sex worker looks like. Sure. Yeah. And I also look like whodunit and ran out of drag, which I think is like, there's a wide chasm to cross when it comes to like from zero to drag. Completely. Yeah. That's why I think that we're going to be able to give really objective and interesting points of view because if we were too

People who were hot in and out of their getup. How informed could you be? Because when you're truly beautiful, your life is just different. Yeah. Pretty privileged. Everything you say is funnier. Every job you probably hot people get hired easier. They get in a call. The hot people get everything. They get everything. And for people like us who've gotten a lot of stuff, knock on wood. Yeah. Honestly, we impersonate a hot person. Yeah. That's what we do. By hook or by crook. Yeah.

Really? Yep. All right. So let's take a little break. We'll see you in a bit. Today's episode is brought to you by Angie. Angie has made it easier than ever to connect with skilled professionals to get all your jobs and projects done well. Let me tell you, there's the version of it where you try to do something at home and then there's a version of it where you have someone help you. You watch them do it the right way and you go, thank God I didn't try to do that myself.

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And we're back. And we're back. I like this. I do too. I'm also holding the microphone like I'm at a show because I haven't done a show in a long time. No. And I miss holding a microphone. I gotta tell you, I miss it too. I miss holding a microphone. And as much as I love wireless microphones, because I travel with a pink wireless. Do you? Yeah. What do you do with your hand? Oh, you play the guitar. I play the guitar.

So that keeps both my hands pretty busy. I'll let you know when I learn to play with one hand. I don't know what I would have restless hands. I'd probably start touching people. I love the cordless mic, but there's something about being on stage with the cord. It makes me think of when I was a kid wanting to be a performer once.

what that choreography was like having a cable I do not like the cord oh I do no no no no it makes me feel like a real stand up oh I don't want to be a real stand up I just want to have the microphone and I feel like I'm going to do that like cartoon thing where I'm going to trip myself I'm going to like wrap it around my legs trip and everybody's going to laugh at me

Do you know what I mean? Would you ever get one of those like truth or dare mics? Would you ever start wearing a head mic? Absolutely not. Because then I feel like a telemarketer. Or TED Talk. Or Tony Robinson. Yeah. I'd feel like a snake oil charlatan, a TED Talk speaker, or a telemarketer. A lot of T's. Yes. Yeah. I just, I love a strong...

wireless mic with bright, with a bright thing on it. You know what I mean? So I can, with a battery, I just feel like a lot of safety in that. If we're talking beauty, we're also talking like glamor for you. Who is the gaggiest epitome of glamor? Drop your jaw drops every time you wish you could just dive into their closet and take everything home with you. I mean, I'd probably say Naomi Campbell.

That's a great choice. Never seen her look bad. Can wear anything. Even with, at the most glam to the most pared down, it's impossible. It's an impossible level of glamour and beauty because of the physicality of her bone structure. And the face. And the face. Come on. The face, the body, and also the fact that there's been literally like no...

There's no difference. The aging process has not degraded her glamour in the least at all. At all. It's almost showcased it because it's made her glamour feel more like. It's gilded it. Yeah, 21 year old looks like that. But for now it's like that is an older woman. Yeah. And it's shocking. Like it's shocking. If you see her, you're like, you're. It's shocking. I hope you get to meet her someday. I would love to meet her.

I would love to meet. Who have you met in real life? Who in real life, in real time has, has taken your breath away? Amanda. Every time. Amanda. Amanda. Every time. I've been Amanda probably five times. Amanda Lepore. Yeah. Amanda Lepore. People at home. I met her probably five times. And I mean like when I was 18, like moving to my first apartment, buying makeup from CBS, being like, I'm going to do drag. And I saw pictures of Amanda and I was like, oh my God, that's what I want to look like, which hasn't happened. Yeah.

But every time I meet her, it's just... And because she lives in New York, New Yorkers see her all the time at clubs. They're not even impressed anymore. But I'm like, there's a unicorn in the room. It's like she's levitating. Yeah, she is that. The skin, the décolletage, the boobs. I mean, it's just perfect. And petite and the little voice. It's like she stepped out of a cartoon. Yeah. And I admire that because I... Not because I find her beauty...

relatable, but I find her commitment to beauty extremely inspiring. If Amanda can do that every day, you can get in the shower. I feel very attacked because I find getting into the shower every day, something of a challenge. Well, quarantine, especially when, when quarantine started, I was like, I'm a shower in four days. Am I gross?

Oh yeah, I can relate to that. Like three, cause once I, I never realized how much getting in drag creates shower moments for me. Drag was my home. Taking my wig off so I can get real. The drag for me for the longest time was the only consistent benchmark for hygiene. Yes. Because I would on drag days, I would get into the shower before the show, get

Get into the shower after the show. So that's at least two showers, sometimes three a day in drag. If the show is very late in the day, I would have showered in the morning perhaps. But so that's at least three times in the shower. That's a very clean person. Yeah. That's a very clean person. Three times a day? At least two, sometimes three a day if there's a show. Because I get it. I always get in. I don't take my makeup off and just stew in my, because you know how much I sweat. Yeah. I have to get in the shower after the gig. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, you and I have both talked about sometimes we've done the neck down, make the neck, but wait a minute, the neck down drag shower and you do it with the way clipped up. So this is, this is the, I mean, this is to be like, this is the, this is when I knew I was a little bit different. Yeah.

This is honestly one of those moments where as a drag performer, it's one of those moments where I might relate more to a person who identifies as female than a person who identifies as male. Yes. Because I don't like being in half drag, period. I want to be a woman or a man. So this is... Let me set it up. So it's... So this is...

So I would do a show and I would organize a rendezvous with a gentleman caller for after the show. But of course, I've done five numbers in boiling heat. Is it shocks? It's shocks. So I'm sweating. I mean, from the neck down, it is hammer time on every orifice and crevice. So we have to do a little freshening up. However, the mug is still right.

So I get into the shower. We do a neck down shower, but here's a twist. Cause your skin's kind of dry, right? Um, yes, extremely dry. So any sweating just sets the makeup. I don't want to get oily or shiny. So I get into the shower.

I put the wig up. In like an alligator clip? In a claw clip. Now, this is before lace funds. This is a $35 wig that can easily be snatched. That can easily, I mean, with one pinky, just snatched right on and put on a hanger. This is not a unit that is glued to my head at all. This is a shitty shingo wig that is about to get cum in it that I keep on, I go to great lengths to clip,

Sometimes it's scrunchie and a clip in the back to keep it off the nape of my neck. And I get in the shower and I feel like Kate Moss.

I don't blame you. I did something really similar recently. This year I was on tour with Grown Up, which is coming to all over the world. And my band is all straight, right? And this is my first time probably living with straight men in close quarters and working with them all day, probably my whole life. Okay, yeah. Never been that close to straight people before, straight guys especially. They're very straight. I met them. They're very straight and so accepting of how gay I am. They don't even bat an eye. They're so proud to be in the show, whatever.

But because they were straight boys and I'm a drag queen. And so when I'm in drag, I do feel like the girl. If we were backstage and I was in like my backstage look like a robe, I had like bandana. So I would take the fall off and I would wrap a bandana on my head like Rosie the Riveter. Like I just tied my hair up between numbers because I was too embarrassed to run around bald.

So I would keep the wig on with my makeup on like, oh, I'm just a girl backstage getting ready. And a few days into the tour, that sort of showmanship wore off. And eventually I was like, they don't care. Yeah, fuck these hoes. They're not sniffing. Yeah, but the first few days I was like, oh, I don't want them to. Oh, my God. Not that I wanted them to think I was cool, but like the woman in me was like, I can't show my unmentionables. You know what I mean? Yeah.

I miss that. Doing drag? No, I miss doing the after gigs. You miss doing the... Feeling like a woman. You know what I don't like about it for you, though? You're too famous now.

No, no. Yeah, it can't happen. Can't do it anymore. So I thought about it. I thought about getting on grind. So this is a, this is a, you know, in terms of like beauty, in terms of feeling attractive, feeling sexy and projecting an image out there, say social, we have social media or apps like hookup apps. I have the, I could do, you know, me out of drag Brian, which is so problematic in so many ways. And then, um,

And then, but trying to do a drag profile, say for example, on Grindr, which is what a lot of people do because there's a lot of guys who go for that kind of thing on Grindr now. But I can't do that either because all I'm going to do is get messages from gay guys like, hey girl, hey girl, love your show, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. I mean, I have a Grindr that's pretty much at least half the messages. What do you show? You show your face. Yeah, I don't care. You know what I tell myself? Well, first of all, background for the audience. Some of the people just listening might not have known that you used to be

a professional escort on the side. Yeah, part-time hooker. Yeah, and after the shows you would hook up. Yeah, I would hook up either for money or for fun, sometimes both. And that's almost like a whole other personality besides drag. And it was... And I was very lucky. Listen, there's a lot of caveats going here because on the one hand, I don't want to condemn or glamorize or promote a particular kind of sex work because mine was very...

It was very... Especially when you're working with men who, let's be honest, men who are interested in trans women or drag queens, they're usually not out. No. And they're usually extremely, let's say, fragile about it. Yeah. And could pivot to homicide. Volatile. Yeah. Volatile. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not exactly a safe environment for sex workers who present as like...

You know, not, not cis female. Right, right, right. So it was, I didn't realize that I didn't realize at the time that it was so dicey because I had a, by and large, 99% of the time, a very safe experience. My, the only, only like hiccups I had was when they didn't show up.

Oh no. That was the only depressing part, but it never got by. Like a cake left out in the rain. Oh, you have no idea. And then the desperation of me just in a, imagine me in leg Avenue lingerie at one 30 in the morning on my couch, smoking a cigarette, crying. Oh God. The leg Avenue is the sad part. Yeah. I mean,

I mean, if we're talking about beauty, one of the other things we want to touch on, we want to talk to people with, let's say, different genitals. We're both really interested in interviewing somebody with a micropenis. So if anybody wants to come on the show, we'll change your voice. We'll keep you anonymous. We want to have open, frank, compassionate conversation about what that's like. I'm so curious. And this is not a morbid fascination. It's not something I want to make fun of. It's earnest. I'm really, really, really curious about because different genitals. I think we should also have a conversation with

The flip side, somebody with an extremely big dick. Because I think that presents different problems. Absolutely. Another one, I would love to talk to a girl with maybe like...

Super small boobs versus really big boobs. That's a totally different lifestyle. Or like a really shallow vagina. I would love to talk to, we know somebody in the industry who had implants removed. Yeah. That would be interesting to hear about. Totally. I want to hear about people with a plentiful labia. Yeah. Huge lips. Yeah.

And let's just put it all out there right here too. We don't know everything and we aren't exemplary in any way. So on this show, I think we're going to learn a lot and I can guarantee that we're not always going to, let's say go into things with the right terminology or we're a bunch of we're faggy bald fucks to happen to be white cis men. So we don't know shit in a lot of ways. So we're, we're coming at this from a very, like we would like to learn. We would like to, um, we would like the, the maybe perhaps the listener can, uh,

learn through our ignorance or our ignorance can be a jumping off point for education. Because especially in beauty, it can be very touchy. You know, when I worked in cosmetics, my manager at the time, she said, we don't work in the beauty industry. We work in the self-esteem industry.

Which is like when you're like doing someone's makeup at a counter, you're only a few wrong things from somebody like crying in a chair in front of you. Do you know what I mean? Because people come in to talk about their skin texture. I have small lips. My eyes are sagging. Why don't my ball? My eyebrows are brown, like bald.

It's all their insecurities laying out Neiman Marcus. You know what I mean? And I've experienced the same thing where I've like walked into like a Nordy's after a bender and I've looked in one of those magnifying mirrors and I just had to leave. I left. I just... Hit the button.

Thank you. I had to leave. I had to, I just, and you stole the mirror, didn't you? I ripped that mirror right off the wall. You just ran with it. What you didn't mention is it was a full length and you were robbing the store.

You didn't mention that, did you? I smashed through the window on the way out. No, it's the, sometimes the, um, and with beauty, it's like, and I mean, think about how many times you've had a friend or a girlfriend and who you think is just the epitome of glamor is just so gorgeous, effortlessly beautiful. And then, but what is your reality and their reality could not be

further from I mean there's no correlation completely you know well everybody's the protagonist in their own story and everybody thinks that they are the most their dark circles are the darkest their hips are the widest yeah their pussy is the smelliest the tightest my pussy is the you know it's so tight you know people have different what I'm saying is

Again, beauty's in the eye of the beholder. Same with people's flaws. Yes. Ugliness is sort of in the eye of the beholder too. Mama, I am the... You want to come... You're talking about ugly... Bitch, I got you. I am the ugliest piece of shit ever. Do you feel good about yourself? No. Because on of drag, I know I'm not like Burt Reynolds, but I also...

Let me just say, I know that I'm not Burt Reynolds. That's your benchmark for male beauty? Yes, Burt Reynolds. That's the apex for you? Okay. But I also know that like, there's enough things about me that are redeemable that someone's going to want to fuck me. Yeah. And like my, I believe when I was on Tinder dating, I was like, I'm going to, I'm going to match with someone or whatever who thinks I am exactly their type. Yeah. Because we're really talking about types. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some people love...

I've been with guys who are like, oh my God, the first reason I talked to you is because I love shaped heads. Well, listen to this. The last person I hooked up with was his, he's like- He was a baby and you thought you guys were the same age. He's like, I love Nosferatu.

He did not say I love Nosferatu. And that makes me so happy because I give out big Nosferatu vibes. So I'm like, I'm in the market for somebody who's looking for a malnourished, pallid cave dweller. Right. You know what I mean? With big teeth and dark circles and sketchy motives. And blood. And a mouthful of blood. And a mouthful of blood. One of the things I run into like...

I don't think my type as a gay person matches my look as a gay person. Say that again. I don't think my type as a gay person... I think I have, like, the personality of a twink sometimes. Uh-huh. But I have, like, the structure of someone's uncle. Oh, okay. So it's like a weird mishmash. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you do. You have, like... It's Freaky Friday. It is Freaky Friday. The dad and the daughter switched bodies. I'm in the dad's body, but I'm... No, the daughter's in the dad's body. Yeah, totally. Yeah, that's my life. Totally. I...

I don't know what I've got going on, but the, the problem I have with my self image is that I can, it's on the horizon. I feel like it's, it's, it's achievable, but the clock is ticking now. Well, I've thought about that too, because mama,

I think as gay men, a lot of us in our 20s, I mean, this isn't just a gay show. We'll talk about a lot of things. But as far as insecurity goes, as gay men in our 20s, being young makes us in some way like, okay, well, at least I'm 21. Right. But then, you know, I'm 31 now and I'm like, I think I'm hitting my stride because I probably care about my body more than ever. Yeah. So my body's probably looking better and better all the time. My face hit the floor three years ago, you know, but you know,

It's getting worse in that department. But then I listen to old videos of like, you know, I've been doing video stuff long enough. I'm like, oh, I don't like my voice at that age. Or like, I don't want my 21-year-old. I don't want my 21-year-old attitude. No, or my voice or my... Yeah, no. I don't even want my 21-year-old body. You don't? No. I was...

I was definitely naturally thinner. You were skinny. Much like, and really skinny. Yeah. And I ate like an animal. Oh, did you? Yeah. And I just didn't gain weight. Period. We gotta talk about weight too. I mean, I mean.

Crikey. Crikey, ma'am. I mean, when we talk about beauty on this show, which I think we'll have lots of different guests of lots of different body types, I think we're going to be really surprised how many people we find have issues with their body that we would never expect. Yeah, and also because for me, skinny is not a...

My wheelhouse for myself and for those that I desire, skinny does not enter the picture at all. No. At all. I feel the same way. I don't like skinny. Especially for guys. I love chubby guys. Mama, I want to be smothered in your big, fat, blubbery rolls. I want to look like I'm in a Love Sack commercial. I love big guys and girls. I mean, love big guys. We're going to take a break. We'll be right back.

And we are back. Yes, we are. We are going to have a lot of stuff coming up in the show. We're going to have weekly opportunities to talk about. Mary, we're coming at you every week. Celebrity trends. Yeah. Classic beauty. Yeah. Fashion faux pas. Yeah. Health and fitness. Yeah. Favorite products. Favorite products. Favorite trends. Oh.

And I mean, obviously, I mean, the guests especially, I'm really excited because I think... Oh, I keep... I sat on the shade button. Sorry. We know so many talented and beautiful people who are going to have a really cool insight into it. Like an outrageous amount of access to the most incredibly talented people who often also happen to be incredibly gorgeous. Yeah.

Gorgeous. And I mean, if you're listening to, and you're not like a beauty person, when we're talking about beauty, we're really talking about self-esteem, self-image, trend, fashion, social, like media, social media, television. I mean, and humble and humble. Don't forget. You're listening to two of the ugliest people anyone's ever seen sitting in my office, talking into microphones on my computer.

So like, where else are you going to hear unqualified people talk about what it's like to be beautiful? But you know what I found though? It's funny it's called the bald and the beautiful though because it suggests that there's us and then our beautiful guests. Exactly. That's the implication here. Two different categories. We fit squarely into one and then yet to come is the beautiful part. I don't know if you remember but in the movie The Witches of Eastwick so, oh

course yeah Veronica Cartwright

Whores. Anal intercourse. Yeah. Can we swear on this? Absolutely. I don't like being censored in any way. I surely the fuck don't either, you goddamn cunt. I never forget. I was, I think I was in New York and I was at Condé Nast doing some piece of press that I'm sure was incredible. And I said faggot and they told me I couldn't say it. And I've never remember the feeling of sitting there in a wig and being told I can't say faggot and being like, who can? Yeah. If I can't right now. Yeah.

I mean... Don't tell me not to say it because it makes you uncomfortable. It's for, you know, Bob upstairs. Well...

This is the bald and the beautiful. And I mean, if anybody, we're hoping to make this kind of interactive. So if you guys want to tweet us with any humiliating beauty stories, fails, successes, questions. And who is for you the apex, the ultimate, the essence of beauty? Who is your beauty? Maybe from your childhood, from now, has it changed? Who represents to you the ultimate, the only in terms of beauty, glamour, and attractiveness?

I think it tells you a lot about a person. Yeah. Give me another one. So Burt Reynolds. Amanda. Amanda. Give me another male or give me another guy. Yeah. Give me just like, just, just kill me. Yeah. Like just wreck this hole and leave it for dead. Ryan Reynolds. Okay. I mean, Oh, John Krasinski. Okay. Holy shit. Holy shit. Battering Ram. Yeah. Yes. Um, Donald Glover. Oh yeah. Okay. Beautiful. Yeah.

You'd let him just like stuff it with dynamite and then just, yeah. Yeah. I would let him fucking stomp me out like a cigarette. I'll let him break me. Like I really don't throw, I would let him, I would let him drop a piano on my head. If he was like, uh, I'm really, I'll have sex with you, but I have this thing where I like to cut people's legs off. I'd be like, I'll get the saw baby. Like I'll go for it. I don't care.

i don't care i would let i would let tom hardy come to my family reunion and butcher every last one of my family and i would watch and jerk off relatives just let him go down he would kiss me on the cheek well do you want to invite people to subscribe yeah why don't hey listen hey folks at home why don't you go ahead and press that subscribe button smash that button because we're gonna have new episodes every single week that's 52 episodes a year you better believe it you know

I'm just, I'm surprised it took us this long to start a podcast. No shit. Well, I've been doing, uh, for almost, I think five years, five years. Isn't that crazy? Yeah, that is crazy. But if we really look at the formula, you got, you overworked me completely unstable. So it has to be that, that magic zone where you're not, uh, naked in someone's yard and I'm not on an international tour. You have a slight window of availability that can creep through half clothes and sweating. You,

If at the chance I come home and she's already in my house on an uninvited naked teeth chattering, I'm like, let's just get a microphone and talk it through.

I want to go on a journey and I want the listeners to, to, uh, to come in the backseat with us. I am too. I think obviously we're really good at having fun, light conversation, but we accidentally touch on nuggets sometimes in a good way. It's like, I don't like to admit we help people, but I think we do. So we're basically like, you can think about it like this. Like we're, um, we're in the drivers in the past. We're, we're driving a car. You're in the backseat. We're growing cross country over beauty land. I,

How old are you? 23. Okay. Yeah. And when I'm in a car seat, and you know, we're, we're dry, we're, we're driving, not drunk. And, but every once in a while, we're going to clip some mirrors and we're going to get, you know, and uncover some truths as an avid podcast listener. Let me explain something to you on iTunes and all that. The algorithm understands likes, dislikes,

R&R, baby. So please subscribe. Literally go to the review section. I don't care what you write. Actually, I do. So...

I don't care if you write these two fags and you jump off a cliff. But for some reason, the algorithm understands. Did you know this? It understands reviews and ratings and likes. Mama, math, numbers. But it could be all negative reviews. And I think it still understands it. Really? Well, let's keep it positive. Let's keep it positive. Let's keep it positive. Keep it beautiful. If you ain't got nothing good to say, why don't you just shut the fuck up and stay the fuck home? Since it's called The Bald and the Beautiful, do you think we should have some kind of like, stay beautiful? Yeah.

Like sign out? Is that too much? Team too much? I don't know. I'm not sold on that one. What about different boys? Stay beautiful. Or no, shine on, bald, and stay beautiful. Yeah. Shine on. Shine on.

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