Ep 181: Live From Kansas City: A KC Masterpiece Podcast 01:26:32

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Boost Mobile is now a legit nationwide 5G network. The problem is nobody takes them seriously yet. So they passed me, a comedian, with convincing all of you people out there that Boost Mobile is a serious 5G network. Time to put on my serious voice.

Boost Mobile is now a legit nationwide 5G network with coverage across 99% of America. Seriously. The Boost Mobile network includes roaming coverage from partner networks which cover 99% of the U.S. population. Welcome to This Is Important, a production of iHeartRadio, the show where we talk about what's obviously most critically, crucially important. Today on This Is Important...

You want to see it? You keep talking about it, I might as well show them. When I touch football players, it gets rock hard. She doesn't even want to be a cheer captain. Good luck with your Bloody Marys tomorrow. You might notice there's no celery left. Let's go! Very gross. Very gross. They're disgusting. I love this, guys.

You guys are giving some sweet, sweet Midwest energy. My God. This is my Super Bowl. I love it, dude. This guy's dress is Dr. Brozark. I fucking love it. Wow.

I think that might be Dr. Brozor. I think that's him. It is. I think that's him. Wow. I have a diagnosis for you, sir. Dude, this is crazy. Yeah. Yeah, you guys got some fucking good-ass energy. Blake's pretty high. This is some good-ass energy. A lot of energy. This is some good-ass energy. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Fucking energy, bro. Wow. Look at everybody. Yeah.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Ders is hurt. Ders got hurt. Oh, my God. Ders is hurt. Are you all right? Damn, man. We're all 40 now. That actually hurt a lot for me to get up there. Yeah, well done. I don't know, man. I just feel like I could just fucking kickflip. I'm so excited. Yeah. Oh, get out of town. But that's the cool thing.

The cool thing about Blake is he looks like he can kickflip and do all this cool alternative cool shit. But he can't do any of it. Unless you just meant like do a flip where you kick and you can't do that either. Are we talking skateboarding or what? No, actually it's kind of weird because we've been on tour for a long time. This is our second to last show. That's right. We had to round it out here.

And while you guys have been in your hotel rooms sleeping. Or their homes because they probably live here. I'm talking to you guys. While you guys have been sleeping, I've been out in the streets practicing my skateboarding. Shut the fuck up. No, you haven't. I doubt it.

You want me to prove it? Yeah. Well, you need a fucking skateboard, bro. Oh, the hood is up. Hey, hey, hold up. Let me get my board, dog. Get out of town. I'm really excited for this. Dude, you're going to get ready. Oh, shit. Wait, what? Whoa, dude. Did you see that shit? Blake looks slightly different. Oh, my.

That was crazy. Not that bad, right? That was crazy. Wow. Big, big props. Pretty fucking sick, right? My God. Pretty fucking sick. It's incredible when you...

Blake, when you skateboard, it's incredible. You look like a world-renowned Kansas City skateboarder. Legend. Legend, Sean Malto. Yeah, it's weird. I've been told that. It's weird. You look almost identical to him when you skateboard. Hold on. I don't want to have this on stage all night, so I've got to take it back. Like a true skater. There you go. Dude, that's the way to skate. Unreal. I remember doing that shit. Have you guys ever been to Kansas City? Have you guys ever been here?

I don't know. Maybe for a swim meet or something. Yeah. Did we fly here when we went to the Ozarks? Would we have landed here? You flew here for my bachelor party. You guys landed here and then drove the three-hour drive. Yeah, that's true. That's the only time. To my parents' house. Yeah. To the Ozarks. I have good memories here. My first ever stand-up show was at Stanford and Sons, which I think is now closed. Oh, my God.

Yeah, dude. Me and my friend Austin Anderson, we had fake IDs, and we came down here, and I was like 16, and I looked 12, and I was like, I'm old enough to drink, and they were like, all right. Right. And then all your stand-up was like, the thing about homework from like WayBase? No, it was actually like, the thing about being an adult and drinking is I'm good at it, and they should give me more beers. Because it's legal. Yeah.

Because I'm totally old and it's legal, dude. That's my time. I got to go get my son. That was my move whenever I... Because I had a fake ID pretty... I was like 16. I had a fake ID. And that was my move. I would always walk into the gas station and be like,

I would lower my voice and be like, Jesus Christ. Right. Yeah. I looked so young, dude. I was like, Jesus Christ. Right. The weather out there. It's like 70 and sunny. I'm like, the weather, man. Did you see the NASDAQ? It totally was what it was again. Yeah, Dow James is looking. Yeah, the Dow James is up and down. It's up. It's going down.

Working for the city. I was jackhammering this morning, breaking up some concrete. Now I need a Jack Daniels. Now I need beers. This is a big show for me, these last two shows. Kansas City. I got a lot of family here. Give me a hell yeah!

Give me a hell yeah. I got a lot of family here in Kansas City. Where's the Divines at? Where the Divines at? Well, you guys can't all be Divines. You're not Divines. Apparently there's 60 of them back there somewhere. Right. I feel like they all got kicked out already. I think some people are faking the funk a little bit. They've been detained already. They were taken out. You're like, I have not seen you at Thanksgiving, sir. Right.

Where are they? Are they... They're just at the bar just shotgunning beers. Yeah. They're not really... I wouldn't believe it. They didn't make it in. They're like, sorry, we couldn't make it. Yeah. We got detained at the yard house. Oh, shit. Hey, that'll happen. That'll happen. It happens to the best of us. You have to finish the yard before you can leave. It's bad luck if you don't finish the yard. Yeah. They're playing like a football game with it. It was like, well, it was...

Fourth and nine. We had to finish nine yards real quick. Your aunt got two first downs and blacked out. I was just thinking when you guys were, when, sorry, when Kermit was making, not Blake, when Kermit was making the audience chant come over and over, I was just thinking of my aunt, who I'm pretty sure is here, who like, I'm pretty sure is still a kindergarten teacher. Yeah.

Just going, cut. Nope. No kids. Right. I'm going to come. I'm going to come. Hey, so guess what, guys? I signed a document today. Okay. My man has signed it.

Yep, yep. I signed a document today. Yes, points! Thank you. Wow. That's all it takes. Do you know what this document states? That your family is leaving you. I don't know, dude. It's a guess. He's back on the grid. I am officially a pro pickleball player. Whoa! Whoa!

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Take your lap. Take your lap. Big congrats, sir. Thank you, guys. Thank you. All the way down. Not worth standing up for. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you. And then he got hurt. He pulled every muscle. So Kyle, goodbye.

I mean, is this like a league that you sign up for and then you call yourself a pro? Because pros get paid. It just means a sponsorship. Well, I'm getting paid in the form of gear, okay? I'm getting like all the gear I need. No, that's called being sponsored. That's not pro. Yeah, but being sponsored is pro. I think it is. It's exclusive sponsorship is pro. But you know what's better than gear?

Yeah, money. Or hear me out. Pringles would be pretty cool. If I got paid in Pringles, that would be epic. So wait, who's the sponsor? Selkirk. Selkirk, baby. Selkirk Paddles. What's up? We love you. What is that? I don't even understand the words you're saying. Seltzer? Selkirk. It's a pickleball brand, and I've signed a document. Yes.

And I'm now exclusive with them, so that's big. That's big. Don't cut me down. Just don't cut me down in front of my friends in Kansas City. Yeah, that's big time, dude. I'm going to try and be positive tonight, too. So, you know what? Here's to Kyle. If you're going to sell out, sell Kirk. Yeah! All right, baby. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers.

I like that, dude. This has been quite the experience going on tour, man. It's cool ending here with such a lively crowd. Yeah, this is rad. These last two shows, I think, are going to be pretty bang. These guys are... I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. It's getting a little long. And backstage, I was like, fuck it, let's do it. And then the way you guys brought that energy right behind this curtain, I got a full boner. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yours gets fully erect before most shows. And it's been years. Yeah.

It's been years. Ice fell off of it like when a space shuttle is going to take off. It was like... That's when your boner falls off? It's been a while. When my boner falls off. Ice falls off my boner when it... I didn't hear the ice part. I feel like you're acting like I'm making this up.

But you saw it backstage. You slipped on the ice. That's true, I did. His dick got hard and all this ice fell off of it. And we're like, we have to go on. This might be a medical emergency. And you were like, what is this, a space shuttle? And I was like, that's a good way to illustrate it to everybody out there. We have to bring that up. Anyway...

It's gorgeous. That's great. I'm glad you got a boner on. I'm just trying to talk about my life in front of people and be open and honest. We have experience here in the beautiful state of Missouri. The show me state!

Show these things. Show you something. You guys came to my bachelor party, which was in Lake of the Ozarks, which was a couple years ago, dude. Yeah! Which was wild. I was so hungover on the third day, I thought I had, like, a deathly version of COVID. I was like, I got the really bad strain. Right. Yeah!

I mean, a three-day hangover is something, yeah, that's a pretty phenomenal amount. I feel like you could call a three-day hangover a sickness.

Yeah. It is asynchronous. Are you down with? I was fully poisoned. I think actually a three-day hangover is COVID-17. Oh, really? Yeah. It's an older strand. Yeah. It goes back. Yeah. I don't know where COVID started, Wuhan, or how it started. It's a lab for sure. But the Ozarks, it definitely got a shot of steroids. Well, wasn't it? It was like Shady Gators, right? Oh, yeah. That was like...

Dude, that was world news. It was like, these people aren't taking it seriously. And then it was a shot of Shady Gators and everyone's literally going like,

Just licking each other. Fucking psychopaths. Meanwhile, my mom's like, I swear we're not there. They were there. Yes, you are. I remember I didn't know the protocol of like, because there's a pool at Shady Gators. And like, you know, we were all rolling up drunk already. And I kind of showed up to Shady Gator a little late. So I'm like, I'm just going to dive in and go underwater and

And open my mouth and drink it with this open wound. And as soon as I popped up, everybody in the pool was like, you fucked up. Yeah. Yeah.

And I was just like, what? Instant pink eye. And it's just a rash and pink eye automatically. Suddenly open sores just start opening on your face. What's happening? What? I just came in on the jet ski. What happened? Blood out of your ears. Dude, one of the best times we were there, my mom and dad retired there, and they love it, dude. And it is an awesome place to retire for sure. But my mom, we go to this pool bar. We make fun of her because she loves the pool bars so much. And where is she?

Nucky Grandma! We're at Penny's, stand up! Let's turn on some lights. We got a spotlight. Oh, I see it! Penny Devine, everybody! Dude! That's so nice! Woo!

Penny, you look beautiful tonight. What the hell? What do you mean, what the hell? She's always a beautiful woman, Blake. I know, but tonight she looks dressed up. It's like she's going to the Oscars. I love it. You look beautiful. Did you see her? She looks good. Well, she knows she's never going to the Oscars. Hey, never say never, bro. I think that's what it is. I think she's like, this is my Oscars. I've seen what he's done. I don't know, dude. I've seen his dick in a movie. She's like,

She sat right next to me during Game Over Man, and while my dick is out on screen, if you guys haven't seen the movie, don't watch it with your parents. Just pull it up on your phone right now. My dick is out for like three minutes in this movie. Maybe too long, some say, but we said the perfect amount. My mom grabs my knee right as this scene is happening, and she leans over and she goes, I'm so proud of you.

Hot, hot, hot, hot. And she meant it, dude. That's how cool Penny Devine is. Big shout out, Penny. Give it up to Penny. She looks great tonight. Part of me wonders if you misheard her and she goes, I'm out of here. I'm leaving. You're an embarrassment. I'm so out of here.

You're a fucking disaster, my guy. We were in the Ozarks at the Shady Gators pool next door, and my mom goes, oh, this is a nice one. I've never been here before. And then on cue, the waitress comes over and goes, Penny, hey, you said Adam was coming. Oh, really? Yeah. Why is she? I almost didn't recognize you with your top on. Did you end up getting those piercings? Yes.

I know you were talking about it. That's so funny. I didn't recognize you. Oh, I've never been here before. Oh, and also, dude, another big shout out. My dad just got his six-month cancer free. There we go. Is he here, too? My dad's here, too. Lights up. Open up the lights again. Turn on the lights. Where's Dennis? There he is. There he is. Living legend. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, Dennis. We'll do it live. Love you, pops. That shit's important. That shit's important. That shit's important. That shit's important. The only guest ever on the pod? Yeah, the only one. Yeah. He awkwardly, he was battling cancer, and I'm like, it's your time to shine. He was like, Jesus Christ. That shit's important. What are you doing to me? And I go, just say the name of the podcast. And he goes, that shit's important. That shit's important. Close enough. Yeah, close enough. Close enough, yeah. Yeah.

The name of the pod is This is Important. All right, I got it. Got it. That shit's important. We're like, that works. And I go, you want to try that again? He goes, nope. Got to go and take wonder.

Right.

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We did, uh, Ders' family and my family competed on Family Feud. That's right. Yeah. Nucky Grandma! So insane. Yeah. Yeah. And, uh...

You know, the Dumber family lost. My family. It was close. It could have gone either way. Honestly, it is a thrilling episode of It's Wild with you. Thank you, Blake. It comes down to the smallest margin of points. Yeah. It was my fault. The question was, who's on the Mount Rushmore of television hosts? And then it gets to me. Of game show hosts. Of game show hosts. That's why he lost. And then it gets to me.

And I couldn't think of Bob Barker like a fucking idiot. That's a bummer. And it's fully on me. And then my mom said Drew Carey. Which is a good answer. It's a good answer. He's the guy now, but it wasn't Bob Barker. And we lost it. But my dad, the question was, the question that he's legendary for was they go...

This is a lot. What was the exact question? What is something a husband would want his wife to wear in the bedroom? Oh, sure. And do you want to say like... Lingerie. Leather. Nothing, Steve. Full makeup. High heels. High heels. A maid costume. Like things that you go... Dress as your ex-wife. Costume. Normal stuff. Normal stuff like that. And then... Pikachu. And then my dad goes...

It gets to him and he just quietly looks at Steve and goes, rubber ball, Steve. I thought that was epic. Which, by the way, it's funny on two levels because one...

Bad answer. He meant to say ball gag. Right, right. And two, he meant to say ball gag. Right, right. He meant to say ball gag, Steve. Right. A lot of follow-up questions go through everyone's head. You instantly want to see the Pornhub history. Well, that's what it is. It's rubber ball Steve. That's what he's looking up. I do not believe that my father...

I do not believe that he knows how to work Pornhub because this is how he types. Hey, so you think. Yeah. Yeah. All you need to type in is the P and it pops up. Just never clear your history. I like that Adam is naive to that. It doesn't matter how much time. He's living in the Ozarks. He's got all day. He's just like, P. Dude, you don't even need to go to Pornhub if you live in the Ozarks. You just go to like Buttfuck Cove or whatever. Shady Gators.

Dude, they have a buttfuck cove? Yeah, basically. Can you get there by jet ski? Yes. You absolutely can, dude. I miss those jet skis. Where is buttfuck cove? We didn't make it there on the bachelor party. I said, let's steer clear of buttfuck cove. We would lose Blake. I'm upset that we steered clear. Blake would just spin off. I like this place.

Dude, buttfuck Cove. I'm into it. I got buttfucked in the Ozarks and all I got was this fucking t-shirt. Hey, where's Blake? He's in the back. I love the Ozarks. I had kind of been there, but not in the lake and kicking it, frolicking. And then when I got back and told people, they were like,

How about all those snakes in the water? But there's no snakes. We didn't see any snakes. But this dude's nodding at me like...

They saw you. I think he's going to nod at everything. It's a lake, so there's going to be animals. But those water snakes are scared of us, right? They're not coming after you. Have you seen Lonesome Dove? Aren't you my age? Yes, I know. I love Lonesome Dove. When Ricky Schroeder gets bit on the face by that snake. Oh, yeah, that's a water snake. I guess I'm not 85 years old. I have not seen Lonesome Dove. You should check out Lonesome Dove. You should check it out. It's fucking dope. It's like a six-part series, six hours. Yeah, you like Deadwood.

Yeah, dude. It's basically that without Calamity Jane or whoever we were talking about earlier. Yeah. What was that lady's name? Is it Calamity Jane? Yeah, Calamity Jane. Who's like, this fucking guy! And you're like, Jesus, this actress is going to have an aneurysm in every scene.

Watch Deadwood. I'm not so worried about water snakes. It's more like the worms in the water that swim up your dick hole. I don't like those. Right. Well, I think you've got to be more worried about how loose your dick hole is. Honestly? If you keep a tight dick hole, you don't have to worry about the worms. Yeah, you've got to do your dick kegels. I'm not really worried about that. Are you doing the whole thumb thing? Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, what happens in Buttfuck Cove stays in Buttfuck Cove. Fair enough. Fair enough. Let's just say I can fit a AAA battery up my dick. Oh, no. Oh, wow. This is called sounding. This is a thing. It's sounding. Why is it? When you shove stuff up your dick hole. Right. I've never tried it, but...

But you know exactly what it's called. It's okay. That's fine. You know exactly what it's called. Also, what's up, Mom? Yeah. Right. They know. What's up, Mom? But why is it called sounding? I don't know. Because when you do it, you're like...

You'll never forget that sound when you hear what you're you can hear your neighbor do it you're like oh he must be shoving a battery up his right hole a Fucking battery and how do you know it's called sounding like where did you come across it because I've definitely been like browsing and been like oh But I wasn't like wiki dat and

No, no. I think my buddy told me that he saw somebody stick... He watched a video. My buddy told me that he watched a video where he put AAA batteries up the dickhead. The Kansas City Bullshit Meter's like... Right.

What else did your buddy see? Hey, sound off, man. Let's go. The horny sound off. Fuck, fuck, fuck. It's good to be here. It's really good to be here. And then Blake drunkenly jumped off my dad's boat as we were cruising along. Yeah. My dad was very mad. He's very big into water safety.

And he was legit mad at you. He also thought it was a good idea to bring the keg on the boat. Yeah. That's a bad idea. That will not work. All I know is if you're going to jump off the boat, don't jump off the front of the boat. Right. And that was your mistake. And I kind of did it off the front side. It was the front side. You jumped off the front side towards the middle. Dude, which I could front side this stage right now, bro. Whatever. But, I mean...

But dude, that would be one of the funniest ways to die would be Blake Anderson dove off the front side of a pontoon boat. Sorry, Mom. A tri-tune boat. I like that after the show. She's like, what the fuck are you doing up there embarrassing me on stage? It's a tri-tune. It's a tri-tune. There's an extra tune. And the tunes are the things? I think the tunes are the things underneath. And then his body washed ashore in Buttfuck Cove. Right.

At least they buried me where I wanted to be. They didn't bury you. They buried themselves in you. That's points. That's points. I don't know. I assume that's what happens. They just see an ass wash up on shore. They're like, we don't have to call the cops immediately.

They're like, holy shit. We're butt fuck co. This is butt fuck co, man. This is what we do. They're like, holy shit, is that a whole ass? And your jeans are hanging off your fucking ass anyway. This dude dove off in jeans? Look at this loose dick hole. This guy must have been sounding his way. Hang on, I got him.

I got them. God, that's insane. Hey, no, honestly. Oh, my God. That's called dragging somebody by their dick hole. That's called noodling. That's called what? It's called noodling. How do we know this? Wait, is noodling? Yes, points. Are you making that up or is it?

Do we get points for knowing stuff? Noodling is the catfishing, right? Isn't that what you do where you put your hand in and you're like... Yeah, I don't know much about the science, but from what I've seen on YouTube, it's when you go fishing... Yeah, you don't know much about the science, correct. Yeah, yeah.

It's science. I think the science is easy. I think what you do is when you're fishing for catfish, you just have to stick your arm in the water and then they come... It's in the hole. And then you pull it out. Dude, it is like the toughest thing. I want to do it because you get a little bloody so it looks cool and then you just yank like a 40-pound catfish like...

That's awesome. But you do have to stick your fucking fist in that hole in the mud or whatever. I don't know. That's the scary part. It's in the water. Yeah, it's the water. I thought you have to go in their little houses. No, you just do this and they come up for it. Little houses? Where do you think catfish live? In the little holes in the side of the... I'm siding with Kyle. I think he's right. I think you have to put your hand in their little houses where they fucking chill. They don't live in houses. Yeah, they fucking know. Yes. Yes.

I thought catfish live in the water. These people are drunk. Yes, points. These are holes in the side of the bank, in the bank. The bank of the river or the bank of the lake or wherever these catfish are. Is this right? Okay, you're right. I didn't know. Yeah, I know what I'm talking about. I usually use a fishing pole when I've caught catfish before. I've never used my arm. Or like a shotgun. You just...

Or dynamite like Crocodile Dundee, bro. Yeah. Isaac, can we get a round of beers over here? Okay. What's going on, buddy? Isaac Horn. He's our favorite guy everywhere. Wake up! Wake up! Isaac Horn, world-famous manager to the stars, everybody. Wake up!

Look how nervous he is. Look at him hold his face. He's not smiling. You got to fight for your rights! Isaac, this might be a good time to show your tits. Show your ass. No, we don't want the nipples. We want the ass tonight. I want those ass cheeks. We want the ass cheeks tonight, bro. Poop Dollars!

We want you right here. We want those ass cheeks. But we'll take nipples as well. Nipples is also fine. What were you playing? I couldn't even hear it. Here we go. I'll do it again. Who said that? So when the Kansas City Chiefs won the Super Bowl, I'm not happy about that. Okay, they like that.

Yep. As a 49er fan, I admit defeat. Okay. Hey, he just said he admit defeat. I admit defeat. Travis Kelsey, our boy, got on the mic and said... You gotta fight for your right to fight!

Wait, that's him saying it? That's pretty good. Yeah, that's him. Wow, dude. The guy can do it all, can't he? He can, yeah. Because he sounds like a rock star doing it. I feel like we would blow it. We'd be like, our voice would crack. Right. If you had to do that intense. It'd be like a little too high. It'd be like, you gotta fight! Should we try it? You go first. Yeah, you can go. You gotta fight! Right! To pull!

Pretty good. Pretty good. Blake, do you want to give it? I recommend standing up. Doing it from a chill position is super weird. No, it's actually cooler if you do it from a chair. You gotta fight for your right to buy. Pretty good. Yeah. Go ahead. That feels good. I'll stand. I'll go. You gotta fight for your right to buy.

That's good. That was good. Dude, very dizzy right now. That took everything. That's pretty good. Okay, Durz. That's pretty good. Durz. I guess I would be like this. Backwards hat. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. You got a pipe in right in the body. Bro, that was epic. Oh, my God.

Oh my god, you bitch. That was sick. I don't know. I feel like I would just do it that way. Yeah. Yeah, that was an alright way to do it. You know. I think, hey, I'd love to. Did you even say you gotta fight for your right to party?

I don't know what just happened. I also don't know. I don't think you said it, but I kind of imagined you said it. It seemed like you chugged a drink and then kind of forgot to say the catchphrase. We can run the tape back. I just didn't put in the stops. Oh, you just said, we've got to fight for the right to party. Oh, okay. You said it more like a one statement, no beats. We're not fighting for the right pause to party.

I'm not singing a song at that point. Also, you're right. My voice is feeling like it's going. What was that? What did that say? What was that one, Blake? I think that was a sick Tech N9ne drop. Oh, Tech N9ne is from... Tech N9ne is...

Horrorcore? I don't know if Tech N9ne is horrorcore. I don't know. I don't know if that's... And I'm not trying to put anybody in a box. No, no. I'm just trying to fight for my right to party. So Tech N9ne is horrorcore. Isn't he? So that's like you're goth, but you're into rap. Yes, yes. Man, that's a...

That's a weird crew. Right. You steer clear of those kids in the high school hallway. Isn't ICP? ICP is horror core, right? That's what it is. The Juggalos are horror cores with their hatchets. I don't know. Also kids that you would probably steer clear of in high school. I also feel like the... Well, I might join them. You might share a fago with them. Yeah, I might paint my face a little bit. I feel like we've divided the crowd. The front rows are Juggalos.

- For sure, for sure. - The rest of the crowd is like, "Yeah, I don't know." - Yeah.

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Hey guys, we here at This Is Important love Philadelphia cream cheese. It is extremely versatile and can be used to enhance any meal or snack. Yeah, it truly makes everything creamier. And of course, it can be used in so much more than our classic bagel and cream cheese. You can use it in a variety of recipes, occasions, and even as a perfect snack. For example, you can dip vegetables

veggies or crackers in it to snack on. Enhance your guacamole with it. Make a creamy pasta alfredo or even buffalo chicken dip. The recipes are endless. I love to use cream cheese on my bagels. I even dip pretzels in it, baby. Mac and cheese, ramen, frosting, tzatziki. Now you can make it so much creamier. With so many unique recipes, how could you go

wrong and yes you could find a ton of recipes on the philadelphia website visit creamcheese.com for recipe inspiration so you can start adding philadelphia cream cheese to your recipes at home

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I'm recently into Tay-Tay Swift. By the way, I love that you have all the bracelets on. We've been giving... Dude, since Taylor Swift did this giant fucking tour, the Eros tour, and took over the world, every show we've done...

girls will give us, and I'm sure it'll happen tonight in the meet and greets, girls will give us fucking little bracelets. They're called, they're called, they're called candy. Oh, candy? This is candy that you put on your arm. And what's cool is that normally they will say, uh,

you know, I'm sure very cute stuff. Like, you're my best friend. Yeah. And ours says, like, tight butthole and popo's out. Or diarrhea. Diarrhea. Cum. My favorite one that I, my favorite one that I've got is this really big one that says weed, but. Weed butt. They ran out of D's, so it's an O, and then they sharpied a D, so it's. Yeah. So,

So it's kind of a double meaning. And that's your favorite one. Yeah, that's my favorite one. Also, I'm pretty sure that's an M and not a W. Yeah, it is. They ran out of W's and D's. Wait a second. I think it says something else. Oh my God, it says meow. Yeah.

Okay, that's cool. Dude, I love that we were talking about Taylor Swift and Travis Kelsey, and everybody was like, Travis Kelsey's about to walk out, but he did not respond to my DMs. We tried so hard. We tried our best. We tried. We really tried to reach out. We did our best. Our buddy Sean, who knows him, texted him. He was like, oh, shit, that sounds fire. I

I should probably roll through or something like that. Probably. And then just didn't. Yeah. You've got to love the use of probably and definitely probably. I mean, he's in season, right? He's in season. Yeah, he should be concentrated on football. And also, he'd come out here and see my body next to his body, and he'd be like, fuck, I could have just gone into comedy.

You know what I mean? Dude, I recently had the opportunity to touch a bunch of football players. You did? Yeah. What? I did these commercials for Amazon. They did like a Black Friday football thing. Right. And I touched Andrew Whitworth.

That guy's fucking a monster, dude. What position does he play? I don't know. Some big-ass position. The guy's seven feet tall. He's a lineman, probably. Probably. I have no idea. Is he seven foot? Because he's giant, dude. So he's not a running back. He's not like a little... And now starting as the big-ass position. But you think... You look at this guy and you're like...

Oh, look at this. He's going to be a fat guy, right? He's going to be mad squishy. And then you touch him, it's rock hard, dude. What is? All of his parts that I showed you. Was there like ice coming off of him and stuff? When I touch football players, it gets rock hard.

That shit's important. That shit's important. Yeah, those dudes are massive. So when I was in college, the swim team would hit the weight room. Oh, God. Okay, here we go. We got Under Armour, but we all weighed like 175 pounds. And then the football players would come through the weight room, and it was like fucking unbelievable how huge these dudes are with the leg braces and shit, and then they just pick you up because they want Powerade, and you're like...

Thirstiest folk. I like that they're like, dude, I went to the This Is Important podcast and they just were worshipping dude bodies. Yeah, I mean, they know. They've seen the show. They know that we just worship dude bodies. We do know how hard it is to achieve that. And we have respect for it. And we also love to look at it. Dude, I'm melting. I'm like a melting candle. I turned 40 and my body just gave up.

I've been melting for fucking years. I've been squishy for years. Yeah, we know. It's gross. Pizza, pizza. You recently, are we not proud of Kyle? He's recently lost 130 pounds. Yeah, yeah. 130 pounds, baby. What is the number? What is the number? Kyle recently lost 130 pounds. Give it up for Kyle, everybody. Thank you. Subway. We do need to do like a biggest loser in the new year. How much did you lose? Yes.

55. Wow. 55. Your boobs are huge. Let's keep it real. Over the course of two fucking years. Hey, that's fine. Yeah, but I'm just letting you know. That's what it is for everybody to know. Yeah. Wait, have you gained any back on this tour? No. Fuck. I'm keeping it low. Wow. I mean, I've gained 15 pounds on this tour. Really? Yeah. Wow. Wow.

And you know where it all went. Straight to my ass face tits. I'm pissed now. I mean, I know it's a little loose in the cage over here, too. Yeah, I definitely got, what do they call these? Muffin tops? Blake somehow gained an extra ab. Right, yeah. Yeah, that's his fat role is just another ab that forms. Well, today I hit up Arthur Bryant's, which was didn't help the process. Yeah, legit. Yeah.

So how do we feel about Arthur Bryant? It's a barbecue place, obviously. Is it the best? I've seen a lot of... He's the best. Whoa. Okay. Damn. Haters in the building. I was hearing it was time to go to Slaps. Is that true? He's the best. So, guys...

Do you like your barbecue or not? What's happening right now? All right. Mixed bag. Yeah. I'm personally more of a steak man myself than a barbecue guy, but... Yo, all I know is when KC Masterpiece barbecue sauce hit the grocery stores, my shit was changed. I don't know if you guys claim that, but...

They don't. It seems like that's... Well, you should. Because to us California boys, that shit was fucking good. And I used to eat that shit with like hella chicken nuggets. I would eat like so many fucking chicken nuggets. I don't think you can compliment your way out of this. I think they hate it.

Casey Masterpiece? When you put Casey Masterpiece on Ruffles? I think that's some basic shit that you guys in California are like, wow, this is different. We grew up eating Kraft barbecue sauce. I think Kraft bought Casey Masterpiece. Well, smart business move. All right, that's our time. See ya. I think Netflix bought Kraft. Damn, I can't believe you guys don't fuck with Casey Masterpiece. I got a tattoo.

Okay, okay, noted. Okay, goddamn. Is there like one hitter? Like the number one? We're never going to find out. It doesn't sound like it. All I hear is them saying, hot dogs. What do the kids call hot dogs now? Grizzlies. No, glizzies. Glizzies. Glizzies.

We got the best glizzies. Dude, this is where I used to... Because I grew up in Omaha, Nebraska, and I would drive my ass down. Yeah, there's a few of us out here. I would drive my ass down here. There was a time period in my life that I would unironically call myself the Rocket Man. Right. And we had like...

like block scheduling, so I had an hour and a half off of school. And I had two blocks off, so I had three hours. So I would haul ass down to, not Kansas City, but Missouri, and then buy a ton of rockets.

Yeah, dude. And then would go up and then would blow up rockets in my high school parking lot. You got it. When those things, was it not, it wasn't legal in Omaha? You couldn't buy it? Very illegal in Omaha. Yeah, I like how you have to drive to get your rockets places. We would have to go to Indiana. Yeah.

That's in California, too. We'd have to go out there and go to the little shacks. Where would you go? We would go to Solano County, which is a different county. But that's still in California, right? It was in California. I was just hyped on sparklers. Who cares? I could see that for you. Like, oh, I'm writing my name. Mom, look, I'm writing my name. You're just super stoked on the snake. Honestly, snakes were so sick, dude. No, dude. My parents were wild. My dad loved fireworks.

I remember I was like seven or eight and he bought me a gross of bottle rockets. Right. And was just like, have fun. And I'm like, I'm going to kill myself. Thank you. Yeah, bottle rockets are no joke, dude. What do you mean they're no joke? I mean, they're not a joke. They can fucking fly and go there or go there or go there or go there. I wouldn't call them a joke. I would call them a small explosive. Yeah, they're like...

They're kind of a joke. They're kind of funny. Yeah, I guess they're nothing to be taken lightly. I remember I stuck it in a tree, and my dad's like, just don't blow your hand off. And I'm like, yeah, don't blow my hand off. Stick it in a tree, and then I lit it like this. At your face. At my face. And then I didn't realize, obviously, it was about to explode until I see it like the last little sss.

And I dove out of the way. And my parents had just bought me. Yeah, we were rich. I had L.A. gears, okay? That shit's important. My mom cleaned houses and my dad worked for the railroad. We were flush with cash. That shit's important. I had lit up L.A. gears. And I dove out of the way and I kicked my legs up and it flew into the little pocket of the L.A. gear and got stuck in the bottom of my shoe and blew up the light up part. My L.A. gear.

My LA gears! Yeah, dude. I won that shit on Double Dare. Fuck! Lights out. Basically, I wanted to only wear stuff that you could wear on Double Dare. They're no joke. They're no joke. They can hurt you. I used to light the firecrackers and hold them until the very end.

Wait until you hit and then throw them. And sometimes, a couple times, I never even threw them. I just held it in my fucking hand. Kyle famously wanted to die his entire childhood. I loved playing with that shit, dude. Weren't you also fucking jerking off while you did it? You were like, yeah, dude. This is the only way I can go, baby. I'm just trying to bust when it pops, dude. Well, actually, that's how I learned about sounding. I threw one right in the tip of my dick and lit that shit. I knew he was going to loop back to sounding somehow. I kissed now. Yeah.

We would cut off, we would get the artillery shells and they got a long ass wick, you know, and we'd cut it off and then throw them at each other like grenades. Yes. Definitely throwing them at each other. Are those the ones that look like grenades? Yes. They're the ones that you put in the big tube and then they're the huge explosions. Real men.

Are you talking about like M-80s or M-100s? No, I'm talking about artillery shells. Know your fireworks. I don't think that this was available in Solano County. Probably not. It seems like Solano County is a bitch-ass California county who doesn't sell proper fireworks. That's absolutely fair, and I'm incredibly jealous of what you had at your disposal. Yeah, so they're like the real ones when you see like the big...

in the sky. You're like, oh, that one was beautiful. But then they only sell them like one by one. So what you do on 4th of July is you line up like 30 tubes and then you and 15 other guys go out there and light up two real quick and then back up. So it's like... I can actually...

That's crazy, dude. And it's beautiful, dude. And you put on a show, and the whole neighborhood is like, my God. Thank God we have these men in our neighborhood to put on quite this show. And you're the Lord of the Hood afterwards. Rocket man. You know...

Everyone calls you Rocket Man for a while. What was the name of that county, Kyle? What was the name of that county out there in California? Solano. So here's the thing. Shout out Solano. About Solano County and California in general. The names sound real soft, but the people out there...

are hard. All right. Okay. And if you clown up, wait for those flat brim motherfuckers to show up here all tatted out like this. Hella serious. Yeah, but where's Solano County? This seems like a wine drinking county. Bro, inland California. Solano is like

I'm not fucking with it. No. I'm not fucking with it. No, no, no, no. They show up fully Fox-geared out. That's true. Fully Fox-geared out. They're into some motocross. I was going to look up Solano, but I really don't know how to spell it. Oh, dude. Real men, little genius. I remember putting a ton of fucking bottle rockets on the back of a skateboard and lighting them and thinking like it would push me.

And it did not. It did not. It did not, but it was a cool science experiment. Yeah. This guy's diarrhea finally dropped to the bottom. Goodbye, sir. You left your hat on stage. Isaac, is it possible to get another beer out here? I'm drinking a lot.

We saw nipples the other night show your ass

Will anybody show their ass? Nobody will show their... Oh! That's dope. That's dope. How dope is that? How dope is that? Wow. I'll tell you what, Kansas City, you guys are fucking crazy. I'm gonna go.

Yeah, I would say this is one of our rowdier shows, which I love, dude. I love that shit. But actually walking around the city with my buddy Sean and Brittany, you guys, that was the best. Very clean city. This place rocks, dude. No, Kansas City rules, dude. This is a little hidden oasis. Don't tell anybody. Keep it the way it is. Hey.

Not that hidden. Pretty big city. Yeah. Huge franchise of sports. They got a team that wins Super Bowls quite often. Yeah, World Series. Yes, that's true. Yeah. Not that hidden of an oasis. I know, kind of. In the Midwest, very large oasis. Honestly, part of me wishes I could have gone to Kansas City before you guys won everything. I want to know what it was like. Dude, my guys used to come down here from Chicago to do like... I guess there's a big art scene here, right? And my guys...

They used to come down here with Obey and do graffiti and shit. Oh, that's cool. So your friends would come and vandalize this? In 2002. Heard of it? Long time ago. That's cool. Throw an art up on the wall? And then they would drive over to Ohio and hit up Scribble Jam. What is Scribble Jam? Does anyone here know what Scribble Jam is?

Nope. It was like a hip-hop fest. You're lying. You're lying. Where it was like graffiti, like rap battles. This is where like Eminem was discovered. Here? I thought he was in like in a basement singing about his mother's spaghetti. Yeah. That too. Sorry, mama. Anyway, Scribble Jam 2000. Well, you're talking about cool hip-hop music. Should you freestyle rap something about Kansas City right now, dude? Yeah! Oh, shit! Kansas City.

♪ Kansas City ♪ ♪ Like a pair of two big old titties ♪ ♪ If I was younger I would say Liddy ♪

But I'm old as fuck. Trying to earn a buck. On the tour, but I'm getting fat as fuck. That's all I got. Wow, that was good. Wasn't that so good? What a true talent. What a true talent. Did you hear how I said Kansas City and then nothing and then just two big ol' titties? Big ol' titties is good. And everybody went like this? How often do rappers from Kansas City rhyme with big ol' titty? My guess...

What's crazy is when I was up writing that last night. Yeah. Because this is all written. This is all planned. This whole podcast, as you can tell, how it flows so evenly. I was like, this is going to slap like the barbecue joint. Yeah. And then it didn't. And then it didn't. I like it. Kansas City, rest, rest, rest. Like two dope titties. Rest, rest. Getting litty. Rest, rest.

Shitty. It's not shitty. It's definitely not shitty. It's not shitty. If anything, it's very, very litty. It's very, very litty.

Top reasons your career wants you to move to Ohio. So many amazing growth opportunities, high-paying jobs in technology, advanced manufacturing, engineering, life sciences, and more. You'll soar to new heights, just like the Wright brothers, John Glenn, even Neil Armstrong. Their careers all took off in Ohio, and yours can too. A job that can take you further and a place you can't wait to come home to.

Hey guys, we here at This Is Important love Philadelphia cream cheese. It is extremely versatile and can be used to enhance any meal or snack. Yeah, it truly makes everything creamier. And of course, it can be used in so much more than our classic bagel and cream cheese. You can use it in a variety of recipes, occasions, and even as the perfect snack. For example, you can dip vegetables

veggies or crackers in it to snack on. Enhance your guacamole with it. Make a creamy pasta alfredo or even buffalo chicken dip. The recipes are endless. I love to use cream cheese on my bagels. I even dip pretzels in it, baby. Mac and cheese, ramen, frosting, tzatziki. Now you can make it so much creamier. With so many unique recipes, how could you go

wrong and yes you could find a ton of recipes on the philadelphia website visit creamcheese.com for recipe inspiration so you can start adding philadelphia cream cheese to your recipes at home

If you're a smoker or dipper looking to make a change, you really only need one reason to do it. But with Zinn Nicotine Pouches, you can find many. Not only did Zinn create the first-ever nicotine pouch, we're still America's number one choice for smoke-free, spit-free nicotine satisfaction. It could be because Zinn is made with only six simple ingredients, including naturally derived nicotine salt.

Or maybe it's because Zyn is the only nicotine pouch with a 10-day trial. For anyone worried Zyn won't cut it like traditional tobacco, just ask one of the millions of people who have achieved lasting change. You have lots of options when it comes to nicotine satisfaction, but there's only one Zyn. Find your Zyn online or in a store near you at Zyn.com slash find. That's Z-Y-N dot com slash find.

Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. You know what's not a joke anymore? Boost Mobile. I know what you're thinking. Don't they sell burner phones? Yes. The answer is yes. But now they also have a legit nationwide 5G network. Boost Mobile is a major freaking player right up there with Verizon and T-Mobile. Boost Mobile has coverage across 99% of America now, and they're not

I repeat, they are not a joke anymore, guys. Seriously. Okay, laugh all you want, but Boost Mobile's offering unlimited talk, text, and data for just $25 a month forever. Yeah.

Laugh all the way to the bank, guys. Boost Mobile Network includes roaming coverage from partner networks, which cover 99% of the U.S. population. After 30 gigabytes, customers may experience slower speeds. Customers will pay $25 a month as long as they remain active on the Boost Unlimited plan. ♪

We're staying at this hotel. No big deal. Hey, you are. I'm sleeping in somebody's car tonight. Okay. You're sleeping in the parking lot of Stanford and Sons. Lock your Saturn. And, dude, there's, like, so many conventions happening there. I know. There's, like, an aluminum siding convention, a bunch of, like, cool-looking dads. Yep. And then there was a cheerleading convention.

Competition. Okay. The cheerleaders have taken over the hotel. Yeah, so many little girls just standing there as their parents are just pounding drinks, just going like... Yeah. I hit the gym earlier to do, like, real work, you know, trying to get, like... Because if Travis Kelsey showed up, I just needed to have any sort of firmness. We would have to flex on him. And I'm on the treadmill, and then I get off, and I'm like, all right, I'm going to hit the circuit real quick. And there's just, like...

Six or seven, I don't know, tweens drinking Starbucks on the lat pull-down machine just pulling 10 pounds like this. Some little girls on the leg thing just here like this.

Just holding their Starbucks. Do these tweens, do they drink coffee? Because to me, I was like, I was not, I'm of the age that I did not drink coffee until I was an adult man. But you were never a cheerleader. These are cheerleaders. That's true, I was never a cheerleader. These parents are like, you fucking slam this caffeine. We're not losing a day, Darla. I need you to pop. Woo! That's where they're like. Dude, I get in the... What?

The flyer? You would have been a flyer? Yeah, the flyers. But what is the, you need to pop. You know how all the fucking cheerleader music goes? Yep. No, but I love that you know cheerleading. Blake actually has cheerleading moves. I think he could do, I've seen you dance cheerleader before. Wasn't your sister a cheerleader? I feel like you know. Okay. Okay.

Legendary. Toe touch. Wow, that's hard. I don't know. I know. I was one of the dudes who's just like,

Just looking up. I mean. Dude, that's what I wanted to be. That's called a base. That's a base. I wanted to be. I was like, dang, I want to do that. No. And then they were told me, no, we're good. Yeah. You wanted to be a base? I was like, I'd be sick. I'd love to just hold. And then they just saw me and they're like, no, you're good. You don't want to do it anymore. We'll throw you. Oh, you could have been a flyer. Yeah.

Oh, you're a little bitch ass? We'll throw you. Wouldn't that be cool? But you'll go viral because these guys, they pick these women up by the seat of their pants and then they set them down and then just go. And they might be wiping their nose, but it doesn't matter. It's on ESPN2. It went viral. Oh, I didn't know that. There's hella dudes that are like, good job, Brittany.

What the fuck? Sneak a little... I don't know if they're doing it to be like perverts or if it's just chilly that night. They're in their sweaters. You never know. I did hear these two women when I was coming down from the elevator of the hotel we're staying at. No big deal. It's got elevators. Lots of them. I didn't realize that there was a cheerleader convention until I got in the lobby and then these two women for sure cheer moms and the one mom is going, this...

fucking bitch. And I'm like, what? Yeah. What's happening? And then she goes, she doesn't even want to be a cheer captain. Talking about talking about her daughter. No, no. Talking about, I think, uh, not a cheer captain, the cheer leader, coach, coach. Oh, like she never even wanted to do it. And she doesn't respect the cheer moms. And then the other woman called her a cunt.

What? In the elevator. In the elevator. While I'm standing there against the wall going, please don't recognize me as Bumper right now. Please don't recognize me. Dude, that's wild, man. I was like, please don't stop the news. Bumper.

Check me out. It's getting late. Making my way up to my favorite place. Gotta get my body moving. Shake the stress away. Wait, you did that in the elevator? Kyle, why during that did you decide to finger my asshole right there, dude? Go ahead. I did it and then you decided to finger my asshole right then. I didn't do anything. I don't know what you're talking about.

This dude is like, allegating as shit. Dude, I, I, I, what do you call that? Shuffle stepped? Yeah. To here, and then... Whoa! Whoa!

We got two more shows. It's getting weird, dude. I don't know, man. I never get to do anything that gets a reaction out of you. I thought maybe this would do it. In fact, I was like, do I get into sounding? I like that so much. Kyle goes, I never get a reaction from you. I guess I'll molest you. Yeah.

I guess I'm a messier in front of 2,500 people. The perfect time to shine. I'm calling HR. Oh, and the cool part about the sick hotel we're staying at...

Lucky? Obviously all the cheerleaders and stuff. And then we're sitting out waiting for the car to pick us up to take us here. And then this guy comes up and he's like, hey, I'm now with the cheerleaders. Do you mind if I get a photo for my daughter? And I'm like, oh, who are you here? Are you here with somebody? And then he goes, yeah, well, I'm with the girls wrestling team.

And there's like a girls wrestling competition here this week. I think that's awesome. We love it. They do everything in Kansas City. It's fucking sick, dude. Yeah. I didn't know that girls wrestled. I didn't know that. Oh, yeah. I feel like if you're going to wrestle, it's going to be here in the Midwest if you're a girl. Oh, yeah. Right. If you're a strong-ass chick and you live anywhere else in the country, your family has to move you here to get on the squads.

And that's how you're going to get it. That's how you're going to be. Yeah. Fucking rousing, man. Yeah, dude. Grappling your way to stardom. I love that discussion where it's like, sweetheart, I don't know. Jenny is buff as fuck. Yeah. Yeah. That's a cop. That's you live in Connecticut. That's just a conversation you have to have with your wife. Honey, I don't know. But, uh,

Sadie is shredded. We're moving. We're moving to the Midwest. Out in California, they just throw those laces in the pool. They do water polo, dude. Those water polo ladies? That's a bitch-ass sport compared to wrestling, dude. No, no, no. Water polo is not. Water polo is a really brutal fucking sport. Sure, compared to wrestling. Literally fighting. But they shave their fingernails. This is water fighting! But they're in water and they throw a bald

All new internet. It's just as hard as little fighting. The players will shave their fucking toenails into shifts. You almost said nipples, and that's weird. You almost said nipples. You're disqualified. What? I did not. You're like, they shave their nipples. I heard you, dude. I was going to say nail, and then I said toenail. Oh, nail. I thought it was nipple. Mr. Sicko. Which is also not true. Kyle, I know you're trying to make a statement, but water polo isn't as aggressive as...

As wrestling, dude. You're in wrestling country. Wrestling is literally you're fighting. And have you ever seen those wrestlers when they get someone grabbed? And then someone just takes a thumb and just goes right in someone's asshole? Adam, you're talking about getting a pit bull off of someone.

You're talking about what I just did to you, bro. And wrestling is not literally fighting. It's literally wrestling. It's wrestling, yeah. But water polo is, you can't breathe underwater. You can hold people underwater. It's crazy. It's a brutal sport. I just don't think you can call it a bitch-ass sport. I agree. I'm not calling it a bitch-ass sport. Didn't you call it a bitch-ass sport? Compared to wrestling. No, you can't even do that. This is the way. I don't know. Hey, let's do some hot topics. What do you say? Oh, okay, but let's educate. Kansas City, hi.

Top it! Dude, so two Kansas City area highways among America's most loathed in a report. Interstate 70 and Interstate 35 ranked among the top 100 most loathed highways in America. Okie dokie. Loath it.

No, why? Loathe it or leave it. Fucking thing sucks! In the middle of the winter, when those things freeze over, there's just like fucked up crashes and then you're just stuck on this shitty freeway for like 12 hours. If you're alive. There's nothing but black ice.

I love that in the middle of winter when they're like, watch out for the black ice. Whoa. And you're like, well, we're not going to see this ice. Right. Yeah. There's no looking out for it. Also, where are they saying it like that? The news, dude. You got to watch local news, dude. Okay. All I know about black ice is that it's the best flavor of those scent trees. Yeah.

There couldn't be like a more on-brand Blake statement. Yo, I fuck with the black ice trees. Those smell so good, dude. I know what you're talking about. And they do smell good. They do. Intense. They're intense. Yeah, real strong scent. The black ice. Yes. I don't know. Have you guys ever flipped your car on some black ice? No.

I've definitely spun out and ran into a snowbank. I don't know if it was black ice or just regular colored ice. I'm still going to send it. I've been in a car in a... You know, they've probably rewritten history, but I bet you it was white ice. And then they just were like, it was black ice. You're like, well, I didn't see it, but that's interesting. Interesting how you came up. I've only seen white ice. I don't know about this black ice. It feels made up. I've seen clear ice. Clear ice.

Clear ice. The deadliest one. Car accidents in the snow are weird because I remember I've only been in one, but I saw the car locked up and I was in my mom's van in the back. And it was like 50 feet of like, well, we're going to get fucking smashed. We're going to get smashed. This car is not stopping. It just happens in slow motion. You're like, we're sliding. And you're like, and we're sliding. And we're sliding. And we're sliding. And we're hitting a thing.

You cannot stop. It doesn't matter if you're steering, reversing. It doesn't fucking matter. You just are like, we're going. We're dying. We're sliding. Dude, I do miss the snow, though. I really do. I was kind of bummed that all this rain has happened. I'm like, this would be tight if it was just...

Just spitting on us, a little snow. That would be cool. A little white Christmas, that'd be sick, dude. Because this is the best time of the year when it's white and beautiful, and then you get into February and late January, and it's just like... White and beautiful, interesting. It's just yellow and dirty, and you're like, this is fucking foul. Yellow and dirty, interesting. Interesting, white and beautiful, yellow and dirty, interesting. Talking about snow, Dirk. It's just interesting. It's just interesting.

Talking about snow. It's just interesting. Mickey Mouse is entering the public domain. Oh, shit. So that means that we could make, or not we, people, could make Mickey Mouse pornos. And there's nothing Disney can do about it. And I know that's what Kansas City's been clamoring for. I can see it.

I'm looking out in the audience and I can see it. 69, dudes! Who did that? The Winnie the Pooh horror film? I didn't see it. I was more thinking you could make Mickey Mouse weed or some shit like that. Oh, yeah. That's cool. Mickey Mouse club. Adam would go Mickey Mouse porn first. You would go weed. Kyle? Horror film. I would do a Mickey Mouse horror film. Mickey Mouse horror film? Yeah.

That's kind of sick. What about you, dude? It'd probably be the cheapest to produce. I don't know. I don't have a funny answer. Well, why don't you just do a drama? Yeah, there he goes. A very serious Mickey Mouse. I would remake Mad Men, but it'd be Mad Mouse. And he'd be like, what the fuck? I would love to see a Daniel Day-Lewis in There Will Be Blood, but he's Mickey Mouse. Yeah.

I take your milkshake. There's got to be something funny. My milkshake. Goofy, you goofy son of a bitch. Right. I'm a big boy. Why can Goofy talk and Pluto can't say shit? It doesn't make sense. You're both dogs. Shut the fuck up. Abusive Mickey. Shut the fuck up, Mickey. Well, yeah. So that's what you guys would do.

Hit me with it, Blake. Those are bad Mickey Mouse impressions, by the way. Very, very fierce. Just about as bad as Blake's Kermit the Frog. I don't do that. That is actually Kermit. Oh, yeah. By the way, he...

When we started this tour, he was doing a great Kermit the Frog impression. You're kind of better. We got like four dates into this tour, and he was like, hey, what's up, guys? It's Blake. Bruh. Up first, the guy from What We Do in the Shadows. You know him. The tall drink of water. You know him. Pizza, pizza. He's on the Godzilla show on Apple. And then bumper with the dumper.

And I'm just smoking a cigarette backstage. And the buzz ball guy. Let's go. And now the one with the hair. Blake smokes cigarettes like a French person kissing an audience. Yo, honestly, though.

Let's smoke cigarettes tonight. Dude, I do. I do miss them. I do miss them. Smoke weed every day. I never smoke cigarettes, dude. I'm coming up on fucking like 10 years no ciggies and I do miss them. Congratulations, Kyle. That's big time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Smoke cigarettes.

They'll bite you, dude. My dad quit smoking. He hasn't smoked a cigarette for seven years. And then he got cancer, dude. That shit's important. Way to go, Dennis. That's how it works. I remember me and Dennis used to smoke ciggies together. Wow. What was it like to just quit having a personality?

The thing that made me cool. Yeah, because we used to call Kyle the human cigarette. Yeah. We'd be like, where's that smoke, dude? Well, it's a lot of years of reinvention, and now I'm sponsored by Selkirk Pickleball, so I think I'm doing all right. Now you're a guy that eats a ton of salad. I eat arugula salad. So wait, but Kyle, and I'm not trying to be a dick. No, it's cool. JK. Okay.

They also sent me free stuff. Oh, shit. No, but I'm like, I signed the contract. I know, but I didn't have to do that. But I've gotten a lot of free shit from them. Fair enough. And I haven't purchased a paddle in fucking two years, okay? And let's just say I'm up to date. Me neither. Hit me with it, Blake. You got it, buddy.

Oh, you're a freak? Those are old... The carbon fiber battle? Those are old-ass... Those are old news. The 002? That's all I need. That's all I need. No fighting. Who cares? Sorry, more highway shit. Go ahead.

Dude, a fossil of a prehistoric... You're going to like this, Durs, because you're on the Godzilla show on Apple. Yes. Monarch? Fossil of prehistoric dragon as big as a great white shark. Holy shit. On Earth in Japan, everybody. That's dope. Godzilla is upon us. Okay. A hundred million year old...

giant dragon the size of a great white shark was unearthed. Nice. And they're saying it's a crocodile-like head, four wing-shaped flippers, and a finned tail. So it's a water dragon? Who writes this stuff? Don't we know that all these things exist, but they're like, it's a dragon. And are great white sharks...

Yeah, they're not even that big. They're not that big. No, this sounds like a water dragon. Water trash. Oh, shit. I mean, where did they find it? Here? Japan. Japan. Oh, okay. So that makes it extra cool. Kansas City of the East. Right. Yeah, that's what they call Japan. Pretty cool art scene.

Can I get those hot Cuisinets? Yeah. Cuisinets, everybody. Remember when he showed us his nipples and his hip belly button? Yeah. See what happens? I would like to chug a beer here in Kansas City. It's one of my favorite things to do. Let's do it. Take the lip. You should take the lip.

That's really cool they found another dinosaur dragon. I mean, that was kind of a bullshit thing. By the way, this right here is a chugasaurus. Chugasaurus? They call me the chugasaurus. See if you can beat it last night. Little spillage, but we got there.

I got you three seconds high. Pretty good. Durs, you took that job of timing him so seriously. I watched you. I'm glad he got it. Well, now that I know how to tell time, I'm obsessed with that now. I'm hooked. A lot of people might not know that Durs cannot tell time.

And so we're proud of him that he's finally learning. Yeah, it's very good. And that's not a joke. That's a real thing that he deals with. And we don't make fun of him for it. We don't. We're nice gentlemen. It's 928. Good job. There's a digital clock. That's also digital. No, he's got the hands on it. He does. He does. He does.

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Customers may experience slower speed. Customers will pay $25 a month as long as they remain active on the Boost Unlimited plan. So you guys have some hot, hot cues, and we got some sweet, sweet cues. Hot, hot, hot, hot. So Zach wants to know, where did the name Mail Order Comedy come from? No puns, no puns. That is our name of our sketch group, and we came up with it like...

over 15 years ago now. Yeah. Right. MOC. MOC is what we call it. It came from a... So... It was a pilot, right? When we started doing sketch comedy, basically the internet was still kind of brand new. You are so old. We would have people send... We were nobody, so I don't know how we thought it was going to work. But we were hoping that people would send us like one sentence ideas for a sketch and then we would make it. So it was like email order comedy. You would mail us...

an idea, we would make it, and then send it out there. And then literally that never happened? Never did it. So we were doing sketches around town and that was just our moniker and we kind of tried to change it and the guy who was doing most of the shows was like, it's too late, people already know you as this. And we were like, yeah, people know us. Yeah, they do. All the 40 people. Laura Schwartz wants to know, since we are near the land of the Ozarks, what is your favorite memory of Lake of the Ozarks?

I mean, we kind of did this, but I would say my favorite memory was we get back to my parents' dock, and for whatever reason, these girls showed us their tits as we were leaving the bar, and we're like, oh, it's naked time. So then we just get back to our dock where it's just a bunch of dudes, and then we all just get...

butt naked and go swimming, dude. And by the way, it's 1pm. We drive past on their tri-tunes, just a family just going out for a brunch or whatever and we're just dicks out. Just cannonball. Saw Durza's very pink asshole that day. Wildly pink asshole. Yeah. I did a whole like run, jump, gape into the water. Dude, I was like, he is a

It was athletic. It was athletic how he spread his ass cheeks for his friends. Graceful. Because I know I couldn't have done that. That's amazing. It was wild. I was just like, hey, grab me a beer. And I crack open a beer and I turn around and I'm just staring into the...

The Abyss, which is what I call Dirt's Asshole. We call it Hand-Brown-Eye coordination. That's very good. That's what I'll take away from your bachelor party is like, you know, you always kind of wonder, what does my bro's dicks look like? Always, always. It's like 12 of my bros, I know exactly what their dicks and buttholes look like. It's crazy. And that's what bachelor parties are. Hey, it's the show me state.

Show me your butthole. That one I want, actually. That's good. Yes, points!

Ozark's memory, though, it had to have been leaving our friends out in the cold. That is right. So two of our friends got super hammered very early and were like, we need to go regroup. Well, it was my mistake because I had my dinner at a steakhouse. It was like whatever, Steve's Steak Chalet or whatever it was called. It was great. It was great.

It was awesome. And they are vegetarian, so there was literally nothing for them to eat there. Nothing to eat, but there was a Jaeger fountain. Yes, there was a Jaeger fountain. That was when I broke and had salmon because I was so fucking hungry. Yes. So they got blackout drunk, and then we meant to send them home, but then we put in the wrong address, and they never made it home. I was given an address, right?

I don't know if I misheard it or it was told to me incorrectly, but they went somewhere that wasn't home. Yeah. And then we kept going out, and then we just didn't know where they were, and their phones died, and they slept in a barn, like, under a tractor. And my mom is super offended by this because she's... It's not a barn. It's a shed. Yeah. And it wasn't that far from her house. It was, like, maybe, like...

six houses down or something. And she's like, it's actually, it's not a barn. There's no barns in our neighborhood. Fair enough. There's no barns. They should have pulled up. It's a shed. It's a large shed. There is a tractor, but it's not a big tractor. They should have pulled up to Buttfuck Cove. We would have accepted them with arms wide open. Something wide open. So Haley Glover wants to know, does Kyle, and I didn't know this, but I guess this is a known fact within the fan base,

Does Kyle really have the smallest penis? Oh, what? There's no way. I think you make the joke about having the smallest penis the most. Yeah, well, you know, there's truth in comedy, and let's just leave it at that. Very shagadelic. All right, we don't need to get into it. We don't need to get into it. Hey, there's only one way to find out. Kansas City! You want to see it? You want to see it? You keep talking about it, I might as well show them.

Hey, this is Kate, everybody. She's the other star of the show. You want to see it? Yeah, they do. All right. It's down there somewhere. I'll tell you where to put it. Nah, nope, not tonight. Not tonight.

Not tonight. Not tonight, ladies and gentlemen. Not tonight. Sorry about that. Kyle's uncle or grandpa had the best joke ever at the urinal. Oh, yeah. At the urinal. He was wearing swim shorts, and I'm at the urinal, and he pulls up next to me, and he's like, just taking down his swim shorts. He's like, said, now where did I put that thing? Yep.

That's pretty good. This dude wasn't very funny either, so that was like the fucking coolest thing I could have heard him say. What's cool is he might not have been joking. Like, knowing your family. Dude, he wasn't funny, but his name was Dick. His name was Grandpa Dick. Dude, I found out that one of my teachers in elementary school, her name was Miss Dicky, and I found out that her husband's name...

Harry Dickey. How could you name your child Harry if your last name's Dickey, dude? Because you're the funniest person alive. That's how. So Christian Chaddick, in quotes, wants to know, why is Adam the kind of guy you don't bring home to your parents?

Well, that was a character. Oh, yeah. Because he might fuck your mom. Yeah, because I might fuck your mom. That's from the show. In real life, I probably won't fuck your mom. I'm a married man. I have a child on the way. I'm very excited about it. Yeah. Just going to hang out and eat food and talk to people. More than likely, more than likely...

Not fucking your mom. More than likely. But there's still a chance. Jessica Ferguson wants to know, what are your favorite Xmas carols and can you sing them? Silent night. Wow. Holy night. All is calm. All is bright. Right.

I see those candles. Perfect. Wow, dude. Wow. Wow.

What I love about that is that, you know when you go to church with your dad for the first time and you see him sing and your whole life is like, what? Because your dad puts on that church singing voice. Dude, my dad was the king and he almost was making fun of singing, how intense he got into singing. Like, Simon!

It's crazy. And my mom would be like, yo, too much. You're riding the line there, Dennis. Too much. But then he's kind of elbowing me and being like, yo, we're singing so loud right now because it's Christmas and you can. Yeah. We're going to sing so loud right now. He's like, get ready. This is my shit. Hark the herald angels sing. Hark the herald angels sing.

The newborn king. The newborn king. This is my shit right here. If you had your light on, I saw that. That was the shit on Christmas Eve when you would go to church and they would light your candle. Oh, yeah. And you would just be like melting the wax into your hand. Dude, yes. Yes. And you're a kid and it's midnight mass and you're like, this is the best night of my life. Right.

I have a fire in my hand and my dad is egging me on to sing way too loud in a place. Just having the best time. There was a draft of Game Over Man where, I don't know what was going on, but it was in like the first 15 pages where we like saw something go down and we were like, it looks like Christmas came early and then we like backed out of the doorway going, oh.

That's a fucking banger. I fuck with that one. I'll tell you what, though. It's a lot of good Christmas bangers. Christmas is my favorite time of the year. I fucking love it, dude. Christmas rocks. I love it. I can't wait to get home and celebrate it.

I like Alvin and the Chipmunks, so that's my favorite. Right. You want to sing a little bit of it? Right. That shit is fire. Right. Good. I'm more of a California Raisins Christmas type guy. Oh, what did California Raisins sing? Christmas songs. Do you remember the California Raisins special where they had the dinosaur and he sang, here we come, a waffling, and he was eating fucking waffles? I think that's what I'm talking about. Yeah. I don't, but...

But it was a dinosaur. Sure. Yeah, dude. Yeah. So Mike Ferguson wants to know, also Christmas theme, this is nice, what is everyone's favorite Christmas movie? Because it's Christmas time. Oh, dude. Wait a second. Dude, is Die Hard a Christmas movie? Yes, it is. It is. And it is the best one. It is. And that one rocks.

Mine would truly be Home Alone, dude. Home Alone is great. It's such a classic. It's good. Mine has always been, always will be, Ernest Saves Christmas. Wow. That is a good one. That's classic. That is a good one. Know what I mean? Know what I mean? Know what I mean? Know what I mean? Know what I mean?

What's yours, Kyle? It's a Wonderful Life. Oh, that's sick. Yeah, I go old school. Did you drop one? I fuck with gremlins. Yeah. Gremlins at Christmas? Yes, points! Like...

Gremlins is... I just watched it today. That movie fucking rips, dude. Those gremlins are getting drunk as fuck in the bar and she's like serving them alcohol like it's totally normal. Wait, you might have watched that... This ain't Gremlins. No. Have you never seen Gremlins? They hit the bar and she's like opening beers for them. I feel like the next movie that we do because it's not going to be the Workaholics movie. Fuck Paramount Plus. Yeah.

We might as well keep it going. Fuck Paramount Plus. Fuck Paramount Plus. Fuck Paramount Plus. Dude, they fucking suck, dude. Yeah, that was a real bummer of a summer. They pulled that movie from us five weeks from when we were about to start shooting. We were all so excited. The script was so funny. And we were so, I mean, we were so ready to give it to you guys. Fuck Paramount Plus, man. Well, why don't you cry about it?

It is really. Why was I even saying fuck Paramount Plus again? I don't know. You're just excited and that's fine. That's okay. You're in Kansas City. What happened? Oh, I was going to say...

Maybe the next movie we do, because it's not going to be the Workaholics movie, is like a creature feature, dude. Let's do a creature feature. Yeah, like a Gremlins-type movie. Or a Tremors-type movie. That'd be fun. Full-blown down. Yep. I would love to do a creature feature with you boys. What's the name of the bar in Ozark's Buttfuckers? Buttfuck Cove. No, there's like...

Dick's Halfway In. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, my favorite thing about the Ozarks is every name is like, hey, welcome to Cocksucker's Cove. And you're like, hey, welcome to Big Bertha's Butthole Barn. And you're like, all right. I love it. Dick's Halfway In is pretty good. Hey, for a nickel, you can get a shot of semen with a minnow in it. And you're like,

Do I have to take that? And you're like, you do! Alright, I guess so. 69, dudes! Welcome to dicks all the way out. So Nick would like to know, what would Brozark's part two look like

Bitch, we would die, man. Jet skis all day, baby. I can't wait to get back. I rode on the back of Kyle's jet ski. This dude has no fear. No fear on a jet ski. You went fast as fuck. I thought we were out to concuss each other. Oh, because I was shuttling people to the alligator bar, right? Kyle was like the DD of the whole thing. And you'd hop on, and then he would just rip. And I'm like, I think I'm just going to fucking... Like in the back of your head. I got to bail. I got to bail. Yeah.

I wanted to give you a ride, man. Well, there should be some fear because people die on that lake.

Multiple times a year. Yeah, but you guys were all going fucking hard. I felt like I had to go hard at something. You know what I mean? Yeah, we were going hard on ruining our livers. And Blake was just swallowing COVID water. Kyle's back at the house like, did you hear about all the celery I ate? Shit got wild. Kyle was like, dude, hey, there's not going to be any celery for the Bloody Marys tomorrow morning.

I went crazy. I'll take you guys out. FYI. Hey, good luck with your Bloody Marys tomorrow. You might notice there's no celery left. Ask me about it. Ask me about it. Dude, I ate 50 sticks. We didn't ask. I ate them, though. I ate them. I ate them fucking hard on the celery. Smell my breath. Smell my breath. It smells like celery. Ah.

We're like, yeah, dude, that's cool. That's crazy, dude. Can I please get a ride to the bar? Yeah, but we're going to go hella fast and almost die.

So Anna would like to know if you had to choose which of the other three guys would you pick to raise your family for you? Wow, Anna. Because you are deceased. Great question. You are deceased, so your family, someone has to raise... Whoa, this is like... Yeah? Somebody has to raise my children. Your children. Because I die. The mother and father were done so, dude. This is my last will and testament. We died on a...

a jet ski adventure in the Ozarks. Right. I'm going to say Blake. Me? Yeah, because we... Sucker. Because we're in the same... We grew up kind of the same. Yeah. You know, I think... Same neighborhoods. So I'm about to have two more kids, bro? I can't handle that. I know. I don't think this is the most responsible answer. So Blake's going to have now four kids. Yeah.

From three different women. Hey, that's a relay. That's a lot. That's a lot. I'm pissed now. He's a goddamn basketball star at this point. Yeah, I know they'd be going to the Bay for holidays and stuff like that. What would you do with his kids?

I'd teach him how to play basketball. Yeah. It's fair. Like, because obviously Kyle has his influence on his children, what he envisions them to, like, maybe do or be. This is such a complex question. I'd rather talk about it backstage. Yeah. Okay.

I would put them down. You'd put them down? Yeah, I'd put them down. See, that's why I didn't choose you. I knew you'd go fucking deep somewhere. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Not your kids. I would raise your kids. Oh. I would do a great job with your children. I wouldn't give my kids to any of you guys. Okay.

I would put them down. Fair enough. Yeah. That would be like a weird clause in the will. Oh, shit. Okay. Adam is a new father. I think I would want to meet Adam's nanny. I'm going to have like 12 nannies. Figure her out. Because you're gone a lot. This guy's busy. Yeah. But maybe she's pretty cool. Yeah, she should be cool. She can do a good job. I guess I'll go with Kyle as well.

because we're both from the Bay Area. I know, it's just like a geography thing and like an upbringing. Honestly, I didn't... I thought they'd be hyphy. If they'd be raised by you, they'd be hyphy. Dude, just please, make sure their lullabies are Mac Dre, okay? Jesus. Well, on that note, any take-backs, any apologies, any epic slams here for Kansas City, guys? Any double downs? Yes.

Hey. Any Merry Christmases? Yes, I have a Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas to you, everyone here. Okay. Okay. I would say happy holidays to you guys. Happy holidays. I mean, admittedly, thank you guys so much for coming out and showing so much love. Yeah.

I was circling these dates on the calendar the entire way. I knew Kansas City and Omaha would come up to support. And you guys really did. So thank you for showing up and showing us so much love. I feel like I would be remiss. Yeah, you would be. Oh, yeah. Because you guys know what that means. I would be very remiss. Me too. I also know what remiss means. To not compliment Blake on his skateboarding skills. That was pretty. Okay, yeah.

Yo, that was good. Unless there's anything you need to say. Which brings me to my special uplifting moment. Is that one of the things we do? Yeah. I just want to give a special shout out to Sean Malto, Kansas City legend. Yeah, baby. Yes!

I'm not saying he came out here and did a little flip-sa-do-sa-roo-zel, but I'm just saying that bro is sick on a board. And also, I would like one more time to shout out my family. Thank you for showing up. You always show me so much love and support. Lights up again. My family members, if you could

Just t-shirts just keep moving the cups back

Hell yeah. All right. This is going deep. I'm going to go all the way over here. Y'all ready? Boom. That's sick. I'm trying to get the divines. Kansas City. Yeah. Thank you, guys. You got to fight. We love you, guys. Hold up a minute. We can't wait. We're going to be partying tonight, so hopefully we'll see you out in the next episode. Oh, no.

This is important. Peace. We out of here.

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