Ep 179: Live From Parx Casino: It’s Always Sunny In Bensalem 01:16:14

How?

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Hey guys, we here at This Is Important love Philadelphia Cream Cheese! It is extremely versatile and can be used to enhance any meal or snack. I love to use cream cheese on my bagels. I even dip pretzels in it. What? I know, I'm crazy. Yeah, dude, it's hella good. You gotta try it. With so many unique recipes...

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Boost Mobile is now a legit nationwide 5G network. The problem is nobody takes them seriously yet. So they passed me, a comedian, with convincing all of you people out there that Boost Mobile is a serious 5G network. Time to put on my serious voice.

Boost Mobile is now a legit nationwide 5G network with coverage across 99% of America. Seriously. The Boost Mobile network includes roaming coverage from partner networks which cover 99% of the U.S. population. Welcome to This is Important, a production of iHeartRadio, the show where we only talk about what is most obviously very crucially important. Today on This is Important...

Adam Devine got his asshole removed. Always Sony's better, you fuckface! There has to be some vitamins and shit. Workahol hot shots! Let's go! If you got 'em, chug 'em! Dude, the kicks are getting worse. Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug. Motherfucking Ben Salem, bitch!

Hell yeah. It's Ben Salem, bitch. Hey. Shit, dude. I've been circling this one on the calendar. Dude, congratulations. We're here. I made it, dog. We're fucking here, man. We've been talking about Ben Salem for a long time. We want to shut up about Ben Salem. Ben Salem.

Sounds like a fake place. It does. I mean, they might as well have called it, like, Pilgrim Town. Right. It sounds like a haunted man. Yeah. Hey, I'm Ben Salem. Spooky. Big October for that guy. He was the one dude witch. I'm Ben Salem. Lock him up. Right. They were like, get in the water, bitch. Um.

Why'd you put a lisp on him a little bit? Because he was making sure that everyone knew that it was a gay person he was talking about. I did not say that. I'm offended. You didn't have to. I'm offended now. Come on now. We went over the script earlier and you had... We write every podcast. And in parens, which is short for parentheses, you had...

Remember the gay lisp. Last night was a weird night. There's a script. We're in New York. There's a script? We let you do your own thing, Kyle. Oh, fuck me. That's not in the script. We were in New York last night. We did the Beacon Theater. Yeah, we did. Yeah, it was cool. I prefer the Parks Casino. Yeah, we do. Yeah, baby. We like the Parks Casino, Excite Center, Ben's Center.

- There's no games of skill and chance at the Beacon. - Yeah, this rocks. - So, but we went out afterwards and we went to this bar, Josie's, right? That's the name of the bar, is this cool dive bar? And then we get there and then there's just this straight up dude.

Dude. A straight up dude. Okay. Like not trying to be a woman even a little bit. He had like scruff. Got it. Like he didn't shave for a few days. Yeah. Got it. The biggest titties you've ever seen. Oh shit. You're not huge. Hang on now. What are we talking about? And not like Durst. Not like Durst. No. What are we talking about here? They were massive. Like they were like this big. No joke. You're saying he had implants.

Implants. Yes. They were like, I thought he was smuggling like globes or something. But you said he wasn't trying to be a girl. They're implants? I mean, he wasn't trying hard. Yeah, what's your definition of a girl?

Oh, I don't know. Canceled. Well, he wasn't trying hard at all. It's like he just started with the titties and he was like, yeah, and I'll go from there and then gave up. This is what I wanted. Maybe he was just like, let's start with the titties and he was like, actually, we're good. This is kind of all I wanted to do. I feel like I would stop there.

I'd be like, no, I'm going to cut off the whole, and then I'd get the boobs and go, no, we're keeping the whole kit and bootle. This is the one-two punch right here. I'm a walking hentai gif. The doctor's... I'm the cool pornhub ad in the corner. Yeah, you are. The doctor's... Pornhub is getting too weird for me. It's like, don't you want to fuck your stepsister? Yeah.

No, I don't. Hey, your stepsister is trapped under the sink. Those are weird. When her head is trapped under this low table. They're not even trying anymore. It's like, I rolled a pencil and it's this table and they're like, okay, I'm going to get it. And there's some guy going stuck. You're like,

Yeah, I mean, Blake. Oh, my God. I will say, like, Blake, what's his underwear situation going on right now? This is definitely stance underwear I got 25 years ago. Get your hair away from my beard. Sorry about that. Those are dope, bro. Dope. And then there's, like, the ads that are like, this porno game will make you cum in five seconds. I'm like, I have a solid half hour to kick it. Yeah, why do you want to? I'm actually looking forward to spending some time with my pornos. Pull a muscle. I'm trying to.

blow my load too quickly. I'm going to come. I got nowhere to be. Yeah, man. I really like that. I like giving yourself some time to just sit with your dick and really rub it out. It sucked today because I was at the hotel and I was like...

I didn't. I wish. I wish I could suck it, but I can't. Fuck it. I've tried. Not flexible enough. Truth, bro. Remember the rumor where Marilyn Manson removed his ribs and he could suck his own dick? Jealous. How cool. That was like a big rumor when I think we're all near the same age. I'm old. Yeah.

And it was like in middle school and everyone was like, did you hear? Marilyn Manson removed a rib and he could suck his own dick. And you're like, oh, gross. Was there internet? Yeah. Is that all it takes? Yeah, wait. How many ribs are we talking? Yeah.

Because we have like an extra rib or something, right? Maybe we ought to have one. We've got to have more than we need. I don't need all these ribs. No, it's this whole cage right here. You can still have a cage without one of the bars. Adam stopped eating McRibs just in case. He was like, no, I know it's back, but we'll go with the salad. We're good. We'll get a McCafe. We're good. How did that spread pre-internet? Was that just like Marilyn Manson? There was a handful of things that just spread pre-internet. Was there no internet?

I think it was early days of internet. Where you're just going into chat rooms and being like, yo, what's up? Did you say how did things spread pre-internet? Yeah.

The internet's only been around for like a couple decades. So we still have questions. Forever before that, there were just people, newspapers. Well, they're not putting that in the newspaper. I'm talking about specifically the Marilyn Manson can suck his own dick. How did that spread? That's schoolyard. That was in the New York Times. Read all about it.

You didn't know that? This fucked up dude sucks his own dick. They're like, who wrote this article? How did this get past the editors? Well, they put it in Arts and Leisure. It's like, you know. Yeah. That's great. I like that it came out that he was like a fucking psychopath and people were like, I can't believe he's a psychopath. And they're like, dude, for real. You couldn't have guessed? Yeah.

He gave us no signs that he was a psycho. Yeah, he started the rumor himself. He's a sexual deviant, bro. Well, that's actually a good idea. I should start with some rumors. I can lick my own asshole. What? What? I can. I can. Adam Devine got his asshole removed. He's kind of stretchy. Yeah, he actually put his asshole right next to his nipples so he can easily... He moved his asshole so he could lick it. Fuck. Fuck.

You installed a chest butthole? I like that. Dude, I like it's not a surgery. It's an installation. You go to Home Depot. You see a guy sitting against a wall. You're like, $100 if you could install my asshole into my nipple. I just need to reroute it real quick. Just reroute. Sir, this is a geek squad. We only deal with tech. You're going to want the plumbing section right down the way.

I love it. What other things were there? There was like, I remember there was Vin Diesel died. Did you guys have that in your... Vin Diesel died? No, no, no, hang on. This was a rumor? Or was it? Wait. I'm just now. It was a rumor in my middle school and they were like, I'm sorry to say Vin Diesel died and I'm like...

Who? Wait, who are we talking about? Vin Diesel. They all started that way. Did your principal announce it on the... No, it was probably the same guy that came up and... Ladies and gents, sorry to announce, Vin Diesel has died. During the passing period, please. A silent... A silent moment of silence. A silent passing period.

The quietest passing period there's ever been. So sorry, was the rumor that he died period or he died and someone is now like walking around as him with sunglasses on? Oh, like a clone? Like Dave. I don't remember this one. So it's just that he died? Yeah, it was just... Well, that's not a rumor. I was fucking devastated. That's a prank.

Yeah, it was a prank. I don't know. It's the same thing as Marilyn Manson removing the wrist. No, it's not. Marilyn Manson's around and you can speculate.

Vin Diesel, you could just go, he's not dead, actually. Yeah, there's a new fast movie coming out. Yeah, but I mean, I don't know. My parents, we didn't even have, dude, we didn't even have Adele at this point. So I couldn't easily go check to see if Vin Diesel was dead. And Vin Diesel wasn't walking around Omaha, Nebraska, just kicking it at the fucking Sears. No.

That's kind of weird. I would think he would be at the Sears in Oman. If Vin's going anywhere in Oman, it's the Sears. He's got to get his tools for his cars, his craftsman tools. What was Vin Diesel's pop-off?

It was breakdancing. It was a breakdancing video on the internet. No, it was definitely Fast and Furious. What the fuck is it? He didn't do anything before Fast and Furious? What about like the boiler room? He was in boiler room. Boiler room, that's right. He was like, Seth, you're being crazy, Seth. He's got other shit. He's got, what was it? I can't remember. The like Chronicles of Riddick? Did he do Triple X? Triple X?

By the way, we gave Kyle way too comfortable of a chair, dude. You look like you're about ready to fall a fucking sleep. Yeah, sit up straight, you asshole. No. No. People paid good money to watch you be engaged and part of the show.

They can't even see you. Sit the fuck up, Kyle. Kyle, fuck you, dude. There we go. And I'm back on board. And I'm back on board. Fine. You are now my arugula lord once again. This went badly. Didn't you ask to touch that man's titties last night? The man at the bar at Josie's? Well, you think if he's walking around with those titties...

he wants to be fondled. Right. You'd think so. And that's the kind of thinking that gets people in trouble when I realize that. It does. It doesn't matter what you think they think, you should be respectful and keep your hands to yourself. Yes. Right.

What happened? That being said... That is right, but what did you do? Well, I was very drunk last night. Okay, hey. Yeah, I kind of just like walked up because I did not think that it was something that was real. And I'm like, can I touch your boobs, dude? Really? Yeah, and he was just like, absolutely not. What are you... I love it. Yeah, dude. I love it. That's rough. I was like, you're right. But like, looking back... Sorry. Yeah. Looking back, like, that's the answer you want. Yeah.

Because as soon as you start doing it, now you're involved in something. Now it's slippery slope. And then you're like...

Hey, here's my hotel room key. I think I'm going to fuck this dude's tits tonight. Yeah, you guys just see me leaving with him. He's, bye guys. Bye, bitch. Whoa, Blake left with the boob dude. You act like you'd be walking. He would carry you. See you guys. Yeah. Also, they were way wet. Remember that? They were way wet. Yeah, maybe that's... I don't know if they were...

How wet were they? No, they were like, I mean, for sure he like dribbled on himself. But there was like a pool right here. On purpose, you think? I think so. You don't think it was sweat? You don't think it was chest sweat?

I don't. Okay. Just checking. I just wanted to check. Doesn't that go under? Isn't that the under boob sweat? Yeah, it would be under boob sweat. Oh, so it would have been chin sweat. That's where mine is. Dude, these boobs were so big, they sweat from the whole radius. They sweat from the whole? They sweat out the nipple. They sweat around the nipple everywhere. Yeah. I'm excited for my wife to be producing milk. Okay. That's around the corner. I'm way... She thinks it's so gross. She's like, you're fucking foul, dude. I'm so excited!

I like what I did an impression of Chloe. I was like, you're fucking foul, dude. Yeah. She thinks it's gross that you like it. She's like, it's weird how excited you are to have milk shoot out of my titties. Yeah. But I'm like... That's not weird. It's the coolest thing in the world. Look at this dude. Yeah.

It's the coolest thing in the world. As a little boy, I wish my dick shot out orange juice. How fun would that be? Your kids shoot out milk? That's like a child's dream to be like, hey, give me some of that milk. The cereal's a little dry. And she's just like,

But you said as a little boy, as a little boy you wished orange juice shot out of your dick. Do you still wish it did? Yeah, sure. If it didn't burn. I'm assuming it would burn now. If you could choose, that'd be cool if you could just choose what comes out of your dick. I can. I got two choices, though. What? I know. I know. I know. Okay. Kyle just said what.

Obviously, it's blood and pee.

Yeah, but also, if I kick you hard enough in the nuts, it could be blood. That's true. So you're saying you wish that your dick was one of those really cool future Coca-Cola machines where you could be like, I actually want orange Coke. I've never even seen that before. I'd like an orange vanilla Coke, please. Thank you. I'd be down for that. Yeah, this is just another install that you can get from the Geek Squad. Yeah, but that should be a cool tattoo on your belly. Oh, just the buttons? Of the buttons. Yeah, exactly.

And then you're like, well, go ahead and get it. And then obviously they only get pee or cum. Or carbonated pee or carbonated cum. Maybe those are the buttons. It's just carbonated cum. That's fucking epic. It's really good to be here today.

You are so nasty. I know, dude. I'm a sicko. You are, dude. I think everybody in here is kind of a little sick. Am I right? If I know anything about Ben Salem, there's a little fucking tweak in the brain. I was about to say, there's definitely a section who knows you're a sicko because they're staring right into your gooch. You were like this for so long. Well, I don't know why y'all are picking on the way that I choose to sit. Because you've sat 14 different ways already. I can't get comfortable. Damn.

in the fucking Lazy Boys? - Well, this is where I'm comfortable.

But that's a problem for her, and I'm doing this for her. See, she can't see me. This guy can't see me. So then I come up here. And now when I'm up here, this is a little fucked up. Here we go. That's precarious. This is a little fucked up. That's precarious. But I will say that's one of the funniest ways. I'm not going to move the couch. That is one of the funniest ways for you to die, though. Yeah. Whoa! It's just you're like, well, what comes out of your dick besides what two things are there? Right. Right.

And then your wife is like crying, bawling. We're trying to soothe her and she's like, what were his last words? And we're like, your name. He couldn't figure out what comes out of a dick besides carbonated cum. Yeah.

Yeah, he mentioned carbonated cum and then clocked his head. Yeah. Then we just ended the show early and went and fucking put it all on black, baby. Oh, we got some gamblers in the house. Luck be a lady today. Do you not know the words to it? Because we're backstage and he just goes luck. And then like went for a carrot. Yeah. And now you did it again. It's. Yeah. No, hey.

Don't be an asshole Blake, sing the entire song for these people. The entire song? Just that one. Well I'm pretty sure it's... Sing it. Hey, I saw you hesitate. Look! I can... That was so hard. Hang on, hang on. Why do you let out that like weird gasp before singing? You just sing, you don't go... Look! I really want to nail it man. Okay. Well do it. Well stand up. Okay. Make it, make it. Yeah.

This guy has cleared his throat four times. I feel like I'm a freaking Jersey boy. I think it's Guys and Dolls. No, we're in Ben Salem. We are not in Jersey. I'm offended. This is Guys and Dolls? Is that what this is from? I have no fucking clue. I don't even know what the song is. I just said luck. No, here it is. Luck be a lady tonight. Oh, that's great. And then it's

I don't know those other guys you've been fucking on the weekend. Luck be a lady tonight. Yeah, those are good lyrics. That's pretty right. You could also go like... I don't even know if I understand the lyrics. I think it's supposed to be, let's eat some gravy tonight. Okay. Wait, does luck be a lady mean like be good to me? Like a lady is good to me? So he's asking luck to like...

Or is he saying, I want to fuck tonight. Where are the chicks? Like, luck, I want to get lucky with a lady. I don't know, Ders. Jesus Christ. I'm not leaving here until we find out. I think you want luck to be as nice to you as a lady, and you hope that you're, if that's not the case, then you do hope that you get lucky with a lady. Adam died.

Well, if you're saying that ladies are nice, then it should be the nicest lady you know, which is your grandma. So it should be, luck be my grandma tonight. Yeah, but your grandma might be dead. Yeah, but not all grandmas are nice. Naked grandma tonight. Naked grandma. Naked grandma. Sure. Luck be a whop-hop. Whop-hop. Tonight? Today? Sure. Fuck it. Anytime you want. Fuck it.

Right.

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Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. Do you guys still have grandmas? Do we still have grandmas? No, no, no. I got no grandmas. Yeah, that sucks. They're up there. This one's for you, Arvella. They're over there. They're down there. They're right there. They're up there. They're around. This one's for Arvella. Yeah, Shirley. Give it up for Shirley and Barbara. Shirley's a solid.

Shirley, Barbara, and Step-Grandma Joan. Shirley, Barbara, solid grandma names. I got Arvella and Frida. Frida? Nice. That's wild. I've got Fairy Ann and Dorothy. Fairy Ann? Fairy Ann?

Wait, how did I never know? I didn't know that. I've known his grandma's name for years. Well, because I spit out Arvella a lot because that's kind of a weird name. That is a cool one. Fairy Anne? Can you spell that for me just so I get a... There's no way. What lineage is that from? They're like, we come from an elvish clan. Yeah, this dude is... He sure would for us. My grandma was born in the fires of Mordor. Oh.

I think it's Irish. I don't know. Is it like fairy? F-A-I-R-Y? No, I think it's F-E-R-R-Y. So fairy like a boat? Like a boat. So fairy and like, hey, just drag this woman across the water. Right. That's cool. It's like they named a boat and then also had a baby and they're like, we don't want to name two things.

We'll just call it the same thing. It's Fairy Anne. All right. That one's Anne and that's Fairy Anne. Fuck, we should have switched it.

I don't know. Now that you guys mention it, I've never written my grandmother's name out. I've just always called her... What do you do when you write a card to your grandma? Oh, he's a bad grandson. I would never call my grandmother Shirley. Yeah. She wanted to be called a grandmother. Did she say, don't call me Shirley? Don't call me Shirley. She wanted to be Grandmother. Yes, points!

- When I told my mom that Chloe was pregnant, the first thing she said is she's like, "Should I be a grandmother or should I be a nana?"

Oh, yeah. Oh, I had it, Nana. I had it, Nana. Right. I love it. Dude, moms get, like, really, like, up in it. Like, I want to choose my name, but the children choose your name for you. Totally. The more you push, the more your name's about to be, like, blue, blue. Yeah, dude. It's true. That's why you kind of want to, like, just as a bit, like, hey, grandpa's name is Shithead. Yeah.

Tyria. They're like, it's grandmama and shithead. Oh, yeah. But they just say shaha. And he's like, shaha. I kind of like that. My dad had a really close friend and he made me call him Fat Doo-Doo. That was his nickname. And he fucking hated it when I called him Fat Doo-Doo. Wait, your dad made you a friend? My dad's friend. Well, it was his roommate. My dad's divorced. What?

So when I was a boy, he lived in an apartment with this dude. And this dude, the giant biggest titties you've ever seen in your life. Yeah. Huge. I was reunited last night. I'm like, fat doo-doo. And he's like, let's fuck. Luck be a lady. Luck be this dude with globe boobs. Cool.

Worldwide. But I remember one night we were over watching a boxing match. How old were you? You were over. You weren't even staying at the house. You just went over at six years old to watch a boxing match? Yeah, I would visit my dad on weekends. You guys don't know the plug and play of divorced families, bro. On weekends, I would go to my dad's. There was a boxing match.

at my dad's and Fat Doodoo's house. Yeah. And their whole thing was like... He always made you say, he's like, I'm at my dad's. And he's like, and also Fat Doodoo's. I pay half the fucking rent here, Blake. Yeah. Get your fucking toys out of the middle of the playroom. And they had my... I think it was my dad's idea, but they're like, they were all betting on the boxing match and they're like, let's just say that... And then there's also like a rooster fighting match in there. Right.

On the balcony. Blake's like, Dad, why am I sitting in this pile of money? What did you bet? There's just like 15 guys throwing dice against the wall.

That kind of was the scenario. But I guess what my dad built up, he's like, yo, let's just say that Blake won. He picked the right round for the fighter to get knocked out, and let's give him all the money. Oh, okay. Yeah, cool. A little role play. This is a great dad move. Yeah, my dad was... My dad never gave me any money. This will give me leverage against his mom. So I remember winning the money and being all pumped, and I'm like...

Hell yeah, like, fucking, isn't this cool, Fat Doo-Doo? And he's like... Like, you could tell he was not in on the thing. And he's like, don't fucking call me Fat Doo-Doo again. And I was like, oh, shit. Yeah. Then my dad moved out of that apartment and got his own place. Yeah. What was... I mean...

So I guess if you're like an in shape person or even a lean person, you wouldn't get offended if someone called you fat doodoo? Yeah. I'm not. What was this dude's body like, dude? Describe it for me. He was a little bit of a fat doodoo? Yeah, he was kind of shaped like Santa Claus for sure. That's the new shape I'm going for. Santa Claus is Jack now, dude. Is he? Tim Allen.

Yeah. We saw a fucking movie poster for like The Clauses. They're just now just lumping them all together. And it's Tim Allen down in like a fucking Avengers pose. Oh, really? And I'm like, this motherfucker hasn't been like this since the last time he fell and couldn't get up. Yeah, since Buzz Lightyear.

I like that that's the only way they got Tim Allen to come back to do that movie is he was like, well, I have to be badass. Right. Santa's a badass now. And they're like, is he? Wait, so they have like a Santaverse going on now? Is that what it is? Fuck yeah. Yeah. It's the... Everything's a universe now, Kyle. Everything's a verse. They call it Christianity.

It's a whole thing. It's the greatest MCU. Yeah. Religion. It's wild, dude. Easter Bunny and Santa fucking unite. Jesus rolls up. They're like, we thought you were dead. He's like, not yet. They tried to kill me. They're like, shit. Jesus, Easter Bunny, Santa, we're going to hell.

We're bringing the war to Satan's doorstep. I like this already. Actually, that's a hit movie. I feel like Kirk Cameron's already written this, though. The Crusades? Yeah. I like that. Shout out to Kirk Cameron. Shout out to Kirk Cameron? Yeah. Why are we shouting out Kirk Cameron? Who's Kirk Cameron? He's Growing Pains, right? Yeah. He was Mike Seaver on Growing Pains, and he was the fucking coolest dude ever. You are so old. And then...

And then he, like, kind of disappeared into, like, church movies. But then I saw, like, a clip of him the other day. Super handsome still. Right. So he's still got it. Shout out. Some might say he's blessed. Yeah. Booked and blessed, baby. Girlie Pains was sick, dude. Didn't somebody, didn't Leonardo DiCaprio live in the attic on that show? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, what was, the friend's name was, like, Fat Dudu or some shit? Oh, dude.

Dude, the friend's name was Boner. Boner, that's right. This is not a happy... I'm about to not tell a happy story. Oh, no. We already talked about how all our grandmothers are dead. People are like, what the fuck? Hey, that's life. When I moved to L.A.,

And I was trying to be a writer. My friends were like, oh, go do improv. And I go, all right. So then I went to a couple open mic improvs at the Second City. Yeah, it was basically a bunch of wannabes. And they're like, someone come on up. And you just go, ah, fuck it. And Boner was there. Right, right, right.

Boner was there and he was dressed fucking cool as fuck, like leather jacket. Was like pretty funny. But I was starstruck. I think it was like the first famous person I'd seen since moving to LA. And then he like 10 years later or less like went missing and is no longer with us. He went missing? Yeah, he's with our grandmas. That's life! But he was Boner.

He inspired me. And he lives through me today. Yeah, he lives on here in Benton, Salem. Shout out to that dude. Hey, sorry, Arvelo. We're taking it back. This one's not for you. It's for Boner. And by the way, my grandmas were Kit and Gigi. Kit and Gigi? Yeah, they were crime fighters. Kit and Gigi.

Yes, points! They do sound like Transformers or something. Yeah, Kit and Gigi were the racist Transformers. Naked Grandma! From that one that were like breakdancing and doing this a lot. Naked Grandma! Yeah, Dead Naked Grandma. That's their real names or that's what you blessed them with? Gigi was Gertrude and Kit was Catherine, but she was also Meemaw.

Oh, Meemaw's a good one. Meemaw's a really good name. Well, we were going with the actual names. We weren't going with fun nicknames. My mom is now just Grammy. Adam's a big rules guy. I quit that. He's taken over. My mom tried to force Grammy Pammy. She wanted the kids to call her Grammy Pammy. It did not catch on. But one that's cool is we have a Grandpa Gilbert, and my kids can't say his name, so they call him Grandpa Yogurt.

This is the way. Wait, why? I mean, okay. That's tight. Because when you're two years old, you can't say it. You're dumb as shit at two years old. Yeah, you're still seeing just blocks. You're so stupid. You hope that's why they call him Grandpa Yogurt. Yes, I do hope that's why they call him Grandpa Yogurt. Whenever they get off his lap, he's like, spilled yogurt again. Okay, we're talking about my children. You guys go play on the swings. Okay, that...

I got to go clean my trousers. I'm talking about Kyle's kids. It's a pronunciation thing, nothing more. Okay. Grandpa yogurt. Actually, my parents told me that I used to call my grandpa Grandpa Gizstain. No. Okay.

I'm pissed now. I'm starting to put two and two together here. That's really weird because I had a grandpa big cucumber in his pants. Oh, my God. That's grandpa boner. You guys, that's crazy. I had a grandpa named... Because whenever I saw him, I had to...

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Love it all in the heart of it all. Launch your search at callohiohome.com. Hey guys, we here at This Is Important love Philadelphia cream cheese. It is extremely versatile and can be used to enhance any meal or snack. Yeah, it truly makes everything creamier. And of course, it can be used in so much more than our classic bagel and cream cheese. You can use it in a variety of recipes, occasions, and even as a perfect snack. For example, you can dip this

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And yes, you can find a ton of recipes on the Philadelphia website. Visit creamcheese.com for recipe inspiration so you can start adding Philadelphia cream cheese to your recipes at home.

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Where the hell is he? Where in the Ben Salem are you? He's at the fucking slot machines, that bastard. He put our check on black. Yeah, he's at the Wheel of Fortune slot. He's betting the money. One thing I've heard about parks, loose slots. You know what's great? As Blake is announcing me and I'm getting ready to come out, I'm ready to come out. Blake, I thought it was Kermit. What?

I said as Blake put the gun to Kermit's head to introduce Kermit. He wouldn't just do that. Obviously, Blake is the one that does the Kermit voice. What the fuck? Sorry. Hey, the cat's out of the bag. I do not.

And I like that he's fully stopped doing the impression of Kermit. It comes and goes. He stopped doing it. He used to be like, Kermit the frog here. And now it's like, hey, what's up, Ben Salem? It's Kermit. It's me, Kermit the frog. When I say come, you say come. Yeah.

I noticed it today because you don't even say Kermit V. It's science. Here we go. It's science. Motherfucking Isaac Horny, everybody. Hell yeah. Wee-oo. Tornado. It's science. Thank you, sir. Show us your titties, Isaac. How about the hails? Show us the hails on the back.

That's too bad. No respect for Ben Salem from Isaac. I hate it when you guys tell me to show my tits. I hate it when you guys tell me to show my tits. What I was saying was, as Kermit the Blake was introducing me, I'm like ready to step out and the guy goes, hey, also I was telling the guys before to mention the beer garden that's got glass. And I was like, I'm walking out.

Yes. And so guess what I just mentioned? The beer garden. Yeah, let's hit the beer garden. Well, I'm excited to check it out. I mean, I didn't expect it to look like the goddamn Las Vegas sphere when we rolled up. When we rolled up, I was like, this is sphere-level type shit. This is sphere-level technology here in beautiful downtown Ben Salem. Look at that. That's sphere-level tech right there. Would you see all the lights coming in? I'm used to like a shitty-ass Harrah's where you pull up and you're like,

Is this a casino? Or is this a crematorium? This was like Emerald City and we started singing Ease On Down The Road and skipping. It was tight. That's a whiz reference. Oh, I know that song. You fucking honkies. Ease on down down the road. Don't you care? Michael Jackson. He's innocent. Yeah.

You guys went to Gino's and Pat's today. Yeah, we did. Oh, yeah. Let me tell you. Yeah. And let me tell you. Okay. So here's the deal, guys. Okay. And I'm glad

I'm glad you're doing it. You're a fucking disaster, my guy. I didn't go. Nor did I. Because I was too hungover. And so I laid in. Well, let's cry about it. Yeah, fucking dude, I was tired too. This is the reason you came out here. Here's some homework. We need to know where to go because Pats and Geno's is absolute trash. So what's the best one?

Yep. That's what I told them. That one. That all checks out. Did everybody hear Planet Hollywood? Yeah. Hard Rock Cafe. It's so rough, though. We got two from each, and they were like cold, not made with love at all.

What's up with that? The first time we ever came to Philly, this was way, way back in the day. Workaholics had just come out, and I forget why we were here. Is this the Made in America tour? No, it was before then. It was before then. And I forget why we were here, but we were all in town together, and we go to Gino's, and we go to Pat's, and I remember that guy just tried to fight me. I'm like, fucking Philly is aggressive, dude. Finish him. Aggressive. This guy goes...

Don't turn the lights up. They're going to bite us. Lights off. Lights off. Lights down. Jesus Christ. Lights off. Now this guy goes, he's like,

"Yo, workaholics! Hot shots!" And we're like, "Oh, yeah, hey, how's it going?" And then I'm, like, looking at the guy going, "Who's fucking calling me a hot shot? This is kind of cool." And then he goes, "Fuck you, Adam!" And I go--and he goes, "What's it like to be the least funniest one, you fat fuck?" - Damn. - And I'm like, "Geez, cut me to the core.

Everything that he could have said to hurt me, he could have said so many other things, and I would have been able to brush it right off. Like get back in your wheelchair. The least funniest fat fuck. Your head is huge. He could have said, like, your haircut sucks. And that would have been fine. You got too much wax in your ears. Your mustache is really bad, he could have said. Yeah, my mustache was really bad. That's why I shaved it. What else? No matter how much working out you can do.

You will never look great. Yeah, that's right. And that would have been fine. What else? And that would have been fine. What else can we say? You got too much wax in your ears. No, I don't. I just clean my ears up. Your breath smells. Yeah. Does it? Yeah. Kyle, the game was like to be very specific about Adam. Specific to me. You're just saying things like about you. I'm looking at his earwax right now, bro. And you smell his breath? I'm fucking with you. I don't have earwax. Yeah, he could have been like, you hold the microphone weird.

I'm pissed now. He kind of holds it like an ice cream cone, which I like. I'm ready to gobble. The guy just fucking cut me the cord and was like, ready to fight. And then Isaac had to be like, we got to get out of here. We're crossing the scene. We've got to get out of here. He didn't let me slide either. I remember he was like, yo, you long-haired fruitcake. He didn't say fruitcake.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He probably did. I feel like that flies quite freely here. Right. And at one point, I remember I was behind him, like, yeah! Yeah, Durst joined his side real quick. Yeah, weirdly, Durst switched over really quick. We're like, what the fuck? Always Sony's better, you fuckface! Like, what the fuck? Yeah.

I just bought Ders his sandwich. What the fuck? I feel like Ders missed his decade. If he was in the 80s and he was an actor, he would have been the 1980s bully in every ski movie. Should we take a moment of silence? Yeah. Yeah.

Instead, I'm just a bully now. Yeah. Yeah. But bullies don't get a lot of love anymore, which sucks. It's bullshit. We talked about this last night, but I would like to bring some bullying back. Yes, we need to bring a certain level. There's a certain level of bullying. A right amount. Not a ton of it. Like, not a ton of it. Just like an early 2000s level of bullying where we're aware of, like, maybe we shouldn't call everything gay. Right.

Right. Like, you remember how in the 90s you would be like, I don't like those shoes. They're gay. Oh, my God. And then you get to 2003, you're like, well, we shouldn't say that. Right. We should go back to that time. Wait. Back to shoes are gay? Yeah. Are you talking about those specific shoes you just bought? I'm looking at Kyle's shoes. What the fuck are you doing? No, we go back to this time. What is your platform you're standing on here, brother? Hey, these are my platforms. Hey, if you would shut the fuck up.

I haven't said anything. Hey, you long-haired fruitcake, shut the fuck up. All right, guys. See, a little bit of bullying. See, exactly. I'm saying let's go back to the time right after we figured out that you shouldn't call everything gay. Okay. That's an appropriate time. And then, but you can still make fun of everyone. What'd you say, Durst? I just said, was that Columbine? Okay.

I think it was. I just want to go back to the Columbine era. The old fork in the road. We were like, maybe we ease off the guys in the back of the lunchroom just a little bit before we all get smoked. Yeah, yeah, yeah. To that time. Yeah. I heard one of them go, I have a grenade. Maybe we chill. Yeah, no. I actually remember after Columbine, my school had an assembly where they're like, yo, we got to start being nicer to each other. Yeah. Yeah. That's true. I mean,

Which was great for you. It was a big thing for our school because we had the exact same layout as Columbine, like our high school. We were designed, or Columbine was designed after our high school. So you had the schematics. Yeah, so it was like the same. So it was a big deal. And we also had a big meeting. Right. An assembly, if you will. Right. I will. And then a bunch of seniors, I remember, came dressed in trench coats. What? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Yeah.

To that meeting? Did they know or was it on purpose? It was for sure on purpose, but I didn't know that these psychopaths in Columbine wore trench coats. Oh boy. And I just saw the seniors and I'm like, oh, that's kind of a cool look. Right. And I remember going to my mom being like, maybe I get a trench coat. And she's like, what the fuck?

Are you a psychopath? And I'm like, did you know Marilyn Manson removed a rib? Right. I'm just trying to get there, Mom. Yeah. That's it. I'm actually really into him. He seems like a cool, chilled guy. We're all stars. She's like, that's wild, dude, because Vin Diesel died. Go to your room. Go to your room. What? What? Why would you say that? Let me use the house computer to find out if it's real. Where's the house computer? Back in the day.

Back in the day when it was a house computer, let's just say I needed that game that could get me off in five seconds. Yeah. You weren't taking a half hour on the house computer. Dude, the house computer, man. I was so excited when, dude, I finally got a Dell. Yeah. I'm gonna come. Because the basement computer where our TV was downstairs, I remember the first time I used the computer by myself and the website I went to, we talked about this on the podcast, was boobs.com. Yeah. Still exists. Yeah. Shout out. And I,

I, like, move the whole computer, like, this way to face the wall. And my dad's watching, like, Star Trek Next Generation or whatever. And he's like, what the fuck are you doing? I'm like, I just don't want to bother you. I don't want to bother you. It's too bright. Yeah, you already know about, like, blue light. You're like, it's just not good for your eyes. It's not good. I don't want to bother you. You're too old. You would be bothered by the lights. About to get blue balls. Meanwhile, the computer's like...

Right. It's just like...

Meanwhile, it takes 45 minutes to see like half of a nipple and I'm like, that's all I need. Dude, that is. It would be like line by line just coming in and you're like, I'm coming in too. It is crazy. Points, guys. Yes, points. It's crazy. Simpler times. That they used to just slowly load and you'd be like, okay, cute face. Ah, fuck, okay. Right. Delete it.

It is. Oh, fuck. It's a dude. You have to wait for that. It's a dude again. Not again. It's the same dude. Dude.

Dude, remember going into chat rooms and writing, like, age, sex, location? Oh, for dead. Oh, yeah. And for sure, every, like, you're like, I'm talking to a smoking hot babe right now. For sure, it's just that guy with the giant tits from the bar last night. For sure, he was on there going like... What are you up to? I'm just stretching for gymnastics. I'm a 16-year-old hot babe, just like you are. Wait, wait, wait.

That's so weird. Yeah, we would have groups of dudes and one guy would be at the computer typing. It's like, okay, your turn. You come up and be the dude. It's like when fire was invented. One dude was starting the fire and everyone's like, you gotta see this. And then it's warm. It was like...

It was our version of that. It's almost exactly like that. That's her picture. That's her friend. That's who we're talking to right now. Yeah, we're in junior high. She's like, she asked what our job is. What's our job? By the way. Fucking say pro wrestler. I do. We're in the WWE. Just say pro wrestler. Say pro wrestler. No, we got to think of something like that she would actually think I am. I'm the mayor of Baltimore. No, no, no, no. I drive monster trucks. Fuck. Fuck.

No, something that we actually could be. Every girl in here is like, I was never ever in a chat room. No, not ever. You know why? I could just walk around and people would say hi to me. Dude, do you remember going to the mall and cruising for chicks? Yes. All my friends wouldn't go talk to them. They were all good looking people and my little crippled ass was on crutches. They would always send me over to be like,

Oh my god. Oh no, it's a guy. And they're walking faster, so to me, just like... Right. There you go.

Excuse me! Excuse me! Pardon moi! Beautiful lady! Why is the accent... I'm suddenly British. Beautiful lady! Right. Excuse me! Excuse me! Pardon moi! Are you going to eat all that Cinnabon? I hate to be a barber. Are you going to use that extra cheese on your pretzel? Before you enter that hot topic...

My friend Trent would like to talk to you. Do you think he's cute? Yes and no, or maybe... Answer this. Put your check right here. Circle this. Check this box and I'll return it to him. Oh no, my friends went up an escalator.

I'll be back in 45 minutes. See, now I have to use the elevator because I'm on the crutches. Because I'm on the crutches. I hope this Christmas is good. She's like, Adam, we're in science class together. Adam, we are in the same grade. You know me. You've known me my entire life.

Excuse me. I'll go. Adam, go away. Didn't you hear fucking Vin Diesel died? And then I just drop the crutches and suddenly can walk. But I'm crying.

Hi.

Hey guys, we here at This Is Important love Philadelphia cream cheese. It is extremely versatile and can be used to enhance any meal or snack. Yeah, it truly makes everything creamier. And of course, it can be used in so much more than our classic bagel and cream cheese. You can use it in a variety of recipes, occasions, and even as a perfect snack. For example, you can dip vegetables

veggies or crackers in it to snack on. Enhance your guacamole with it. Make a creamy pasta alfredo or even buffalo chicken dip. The recipes are endless. I love to use cream cheese on my bagels. I even dip pretzels in it, baby. Mac and cheese, ramen, frosting, tzatziki. Now you can make it so much creamier. With so many unique recipes, how could you go

wrong and yes you could find a ton of recipes on the philadelphia website visit creamcheese.com for recipe inspiration so you can start adding philadelphia cream cheese to your recipes at home

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customers may experience slower speed customers will pay 25 a month as long as they remain active on the boost unlimited plan dude the mall culture i didn't have a mall you didn't have a mall i know there's a so weird that sucks dude you didn't kick it a hot topic you didn't see the chicks at cinnabon honestly they were always at cinnabon dude did you never did you never even fuck up a popcornopolis

I don't even know if I know what that is. Dude, Suncoast Music? You didn't have Suncoast Music in the mall? Anybody? No. Dude, what about Wetzel's Pretzels? We shouted them out on fucking Workaholics. Wetzel's Pretzels makes them be Wetzels. You guys are saying you're Annie Ann's out here? Yeah, Annie Ann's. Oh, Annie Ann's is fine. Damn it. It's good. I don't know. I'm kind of a Wetzel's guy. Maybe.

Maybe this is how I get my ass beat in Ben Salem. I actually think that Wetzel's Pretzels now, as an almost 40-year-old, Wetzel's Pretzels gives me heartburn. Annie Ann's does me right. I do believe that that... That's cool that at 40 you still eat enough pretzels to have real opinions about pretzels. I feel like I've fallen way off my pretzel game. How do you walk past without giving...

Getting one. Well, that's the thing is I'm no longer in malls, so I don't walk past many Wetzel's presents. What is that? Some kind of an elitist thing? What is that? Welcome. Welcome.

Is that simulist? Welcome to the other side. What is this bullshit? You're no longer in malls? You gotta pull up, dude. Why are you not going to malls? Yo, Adam Devine can't go to a fucking mall, bro. Dude, I'm like, let's ruin the entire environment. Give me everything. Oh, yeah, boxes, big cardboard. A supporter of big cardboard. You think Bumper can just go to a mall, dude? Fucking bump out of here. Yeah, now is the time to go to malls when it's like holiday shopping. Like, you can go, like,

All I want to do is go into a hot topic. Like, literally, I love that store. I saw, like, a meme the other day that I'm like, oh, that's actually kind of a dope idea. It was like, for millennials, when we get old and we are in a retirement home, they need to turn all the old abandoned malls just into malls again and have apartments, and then you can just go to the food court, have an Orange Julius. I would love that. Yeah, eat a giant cookie. Yeah.

I would love that. Yeah. Like, NSYNC will perform by the Christmas tree, and you act like you don't want to see it. You're like, oh, I hate NSYNC. These pretzels are tearing up my heart. So why is going to the mall right now at Christmas the best time to go? By the way, there's no malls anymore. I don't want to hear it, actually. Go ahead. There's no malls. There are malls. There's plenty of them. I know where they all are in Burbank. Yeah, dude.

But if you go now, you can act like you're going into Hot Topic to shop for someone else. But really, I'm in there fucking loading up on fucking anime shirts, dude. Woo!

You can do that. You can do that whenever you want. You can. You don't have to wait until now. Go in there and buy your Nightmare Before Christmas backpack, bro. Where we shoot The Righteous Gemstones, it's... Yeah. Hell yeah. We shoot in a mall in Charleston, South Carolina, and we took over the Sears and made it our studio. That's fucking cool. But it's so weird. So on lunch break, so I'm dressed as Kelvin with this dumbass haircut, and I'm wearing a scarf.

and so much fucking jewelry and shit. I like your outfits. I will sometimes walk through the mall and go to the food court. Wait, it's still open? Dude, but it's a ghost town. It's all boarded up, and then you get there, and there's a Panda Express, and they're surprised to see you. They're like, oh, hey. Right. We got one. Right.

Try out the orange chicken. It'll just take 25 minutes. What else do you need besides a Pan Express and a Brookstone chair to sit in? Well, that's it. Honestly, Brookstone, one of the fucking coolest stores.

Not really. Are you buying stuff from there? Yeah, you can buy massagers and stuff and luggage. What luggage are you buying? Oh, shit. Dude, you are so old. Luggage talk. By the way, just got myself a Ramona, so...

That's crazy. Dude, I'm testing out the fucking North Face hard case that we got in Denver, and it fucking rocks. It rocks. I got a new Patagonia backpack. I'd had a top loader for years with like a cinch string. I'm not doing it anymore, guys. No. I needed the little laptop. You know the pocket on the back?

Or like a laptop, your iPad goes in there. Now I just take it out, go through security. It's great. We're sold. The one that's doing me right besides the North Face is the Nomadic. The Nomadic. Weekender case. It's fantastic. Nomadic. Interesting. I mean... Interesting. Do you remember Eddie Bauer?

Shut the fuck up. Eddie Bauer? The model? Yeah, I think so. It was just like... I mean, I'm sure Ders were shit like that. It's like preppy guy stuff. I think I have an Eddie Bauer G-string on right now. Yeah, I'm sure you do. It's flannel. But then they were so popular that Ford was like, yeah, you designed the interior of my car. Yes. That's tight. That is tight. This is like a thing everyone knows. No, I'm like, why doesn't that happen anymore? Like, why doesn't like a...

clothing company just designed the inside of your car. Your car's just all... My whole interior is just UGG boots. Sherpa or whatever. That would be kind of sick. That would be way comfy. I think they do... Very funny. I think they do that. That shit's important. There was a Nautica minivan for a while.

Oh yeah? That's pretty sick. Okay. That's kind of fucking hot. Yeah, the Eddie Bauer one. You had that, didn't you have the Eddie Bauer Explorer? Yeah, I flipped it on the freeway. Yep, yep, yep, yep.

I did. I flipped it on the freeway. I spun. I hit a puddle in L.A. and I spun over four lanes of traffic. And then I hit the guardrail and my car did a full flip and landed. And I'm like hanging from my seatbelt. And the back, the metal part shot through the back window. And so if you're in the back seat, you would have been decapitated. And instead of like being freaked out that I could have just died, I was so freaked out that I lost my Monster Energy drink.

Addicted. And then I found it, climbed out, it was raining, and I left my keys and my wallet and my phone inside. And ran 12 miles. But you had the monster? Between this and the cement truck whole thing, I'm convinced that you were a final destination escapee.

Yeah. It just keeps happening. And he's pushing it. Like, when we went shark diving for Shark Week or whatever, Adam's, like, cannonballing at tiger sharks and shit. Yeah.

Made for good TV, though. Yeah, he created a whole show called Bad Ideas. I'm like, I don't want to die. What's happening? Yeah, I did the show called Bad Ideas, where we went and we did all kinds of crazy shit. We drove on one of the world's most dangerous roads in Peru, which is pretty scary. And then we did this crazy demolition derby, and I broke a rib. Yeah, that was fucked up. That was fun. Hey, dude.

And? It was fun. You're alive. You broke the rib. I was like, hey, it's broken. Might as well take it out then, huh? Okay. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. They pull you out of the car. You're like, ah. They're like, we got to get you to the hospital. You're like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. It's good.

Yeah, no, we're fine. We're good. Isaac, pick me up. We're just gonna pull this one out. We never needed this one. Isaac, just drive me home. We are stars now in the dope show. Yeah, baby. Should we do some Ben Salem? Topic! Dude, did you guys know the most expensive cheesesteak in Philly? Guess how much this shit is.

69! Dude, I wish. No, I bet it's 35 bucks. I bet it's way more because it's got like gold flecks in it or some stupid shit. $1, Bob. Is it like gold whiz or some shit? I'm going to say $135. Okay. And Durs, what are you going to say besides 69? 69! $69.69, Bob. $69.69.

Bob. Kyle? I said $35. Wait, I'm changing mine. Fucking $420. Nice. Good call. Okay, well, you blew it. Because it is $140. I said $135. I was so close. I know, but then you changed it. To $420. That was for you guys. Wow, it's a $100. Live for yourself, loser. A $140 sandwich. Dude, $140 Barclay Prime on Rittenhouse Square. Should we get it? Dude, I love it. I love that...

If you just make something expensive, a rich asshole would be like, it has to be the best. Let's go. I know. That is the truth. That is the truth. It has to be the best. We can share it. It's safer and it's better if it's more expensive to a rich asshole. Safer? Oh, you're talking about those guys who went down in the Titanic? Five years ago. Yeah. Or the guys in the Explorer. They think it's safe because it's spending the money. The submarine that just crumpled in on itself. Remember those guys? Yeah. Dude. Dude. Dude.

Dude, they would have loved this sandwich. Five years ago, Chef Mark Tversky reworked a sandwich, subbing in Japanese A5 Wagyu beef. Freaking see ya. Fucking dick. And a house-made truffled whiz. Shut up. Made of some kind of cheese that I can't even pronounce. Let me try to pronounce it. What are you looking at?

Caciata. Caciata. Diarrhea. Caciata. Way to help him out with that, Kyle. What? Caciata. You said caciata? I said caciata. It's caciata al tortufo. Oh, I didn't see the other part. That's toturfo? Al tortufo. Guys, they're leaving, guys. It's John Totoro. John Totoro cheese. They're leaving. They're going to lose money, guys. Yeah, they're like, fuck it, I'm going to go play blackjack.

I get that. I get that. The cheese is now Cooper Sharp. Okay. The darling of better cheesesteak shops everywhere. Fuck this asshole. The rival cheese family is here. With that being said...

Look under your seats. You have one under each of your seats! Either you have diarrhea or you don't. This dude was hyped. He looked. Oh, you looked. We fucking got you, dude. You think we're going to give our pants anything? We take it all. You get buzz balls and you like it. Twelve of you get buzz balls and that's it. Drink, you animals, drink. And they're like...

I can't believe we drank that buzz ball. Like, holy shit, they really aren't cold. Dude, so they stopped, I think because we keep shit, like Blake is the only one that likes buzz balls and they, admittedly, taste like poison. They stopped sending us buzz balls. Blake is like the face of buzz balls and they're like,

Nah, we're good. Although I do have a theory that because they're so bad, there's just a basement of Buzzball somewhere and they're starting to run out because we're the only people distributed it. It's not even a real company. It's just Isaac. Just let Blake have this. Yeah.

It's just some guy who's like, Grandma's company is really flying out the window. Do you remember in college when we used to have a party? Remember when we made that jungle juice? Yes, I do. A trash can. Not a clean trash can. Not a brand new trash can. Our trash can. We did hose it down. We did hose it down and we put a plastic bag

Oh, yeah, that's fine. Dude, but then it fell in immediately. It couldn't hold the water. And we spun it with, we like mixed it up with a two by four. And you were dressed like a fucking treasure troll just like mixing this shit. It was a Halloween party. I'm dressed as a naked treasure troll. So I'm in this flesh colored onesie.

with a belly button jewel where I'm constantly asking people to pay the toll. Yeah. That's pretty good. It was so fucked up. Remember, we were so poor that we didn't want to just dump it out. We put it in pitchers and it stayed in our fridge for months. Yeah, we're like, we got to keep this. So that's essentially what buzz balls tasted like. Weirdly, at the party, people would be like, is there a spaghetti in this? Yeah.

There's a receipt for... It looks like you bought Slim Jims and a pack of Camel Lights, Kyle. Here's the receipt. Sorry, I need that for my taxes. Yeah, I actually need that. That's a write-off. This is a write-off, bro. Smart. Hit me with it, Blake. Oh, yeah, hold on. Give me a fucking second. That's such a real story. Fucked up. Sometimes we get real with it, Kyle. So fucked up. So real. Water trash. Wow.

Wow, dude. Wow. Dude, Philadelphia's bagels are boiled in beer. Bagels. Oh, shit. Wait. No, the beagles. You guys are cooking. What did I say? Bagels. They're boiling dogs. Had a bagel. It's a boy. It's a bagel. What did I say? I said bagel. Hey. You're saying this. You know what? I thought I liked Ben Salem. Fuck y'all. I say bagel how I say bagel. Philadelphia's.

They're just saying it's a bagel. I think you're saying the same word twice. Bagel. Bugles. All right. Philadelphia's bagels are boiled in beer, and they're delicious. Good to know. Are they good? Relatively new regional offering is solely a product of Philly-style bagels.

A shop that started in 2015 and has established two brick and mortar locations in Fishtown and Old City. Is this just a commercial? I'm like, what are we doing? Why are we reading this? It's like, that's weird, huh? And also, check out the beer garden. Yeah, fuck this place. Beer garden all day. Which, by the way, I do kind of want to check it out. The food was bomb. The food over there is fucking good. Dude, and what's cool is U2's performing here. Oh.

Oh my gosh. Wait, after us? Yeah. Oh shit, the edge is just like fucking wrapping up. Adam was saying, Blake's saying you two are performing after this. We're going to go gamble. You guys have to do like a banjo show. We're going to be at the table so you two are performing. Yeah.

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Hey guys, we here at This Is Important love Philadelphia cream cheese. It is extremely versatile and can be used to enhance any meal or snack. Yeah, it truly makes everything creamier. And of course, it can be used in so much more than our classic bagel and cream cheese. You can use it in a variety of recipes, occasions, and even as the perfect snack. For example, you can dip vegetables

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Customers may experience slower speed. Customers will pay $25 a month as long as they remain active on the Boost Unlimited plan. New York man. Dude, this is fucked up. I'm really cool for him. This is cool for him. Okay. You want me to read it? New York man wins $10 million from scratch off lottery for a second year in a row. Oh my God.

Thank you, God. Fuck yes. That's really cool. That makes me think he's got some kind of cool printer that he's just making these things. Yeah. You know what I mean? Absolutely. He's figured it out. He's like the McDonald's guy who sold the fucking Monopoly game. He's gamed this. Yeah, he's like that guy. Good job, guy. Yeah, he won it for a second year in a row, and obviously the officials are like, bitch. Sorry.

Something's up. He didn't win two years in a row? He's like, luck be a lady! Two years in a row! Yes, points! Well said. Damn points. Yeah, he purchased both winning tickets at an H&A gas and convenience store located at, you know, who gives a shit? Lane. Lane.

You guys are like, who cares? Where is he buying these? Who gives a shit? Yeah, actually, that's probably the most valuable information. 4102 Avenue H in Brooklyn. So the lucky winner decided to take his winnings in a single lump sum payment of $6,122,400 after required withholdings after both victories. That's really cool. That's a cool scheme. Can we read that one more time for me? Because I just kind of missed. What was the address?

4-1-0-2 Avenue H in Brooklyn. I like that scam he's running. The story is just that someone won it twice. He won it two times. That's fucking nuts. At the same place. He was running a cool scam. He's like, yo, I got burnt DVDs. I got winning lotto tickets if you want that. 100%, dude. We got that if you want that. Yeah, he's like, yo, you can watch the new Marvel, the Eternals, or...

I got that winning lottery ticket. I got winning scratchers. I got winning McDonald's Monopoly game. How much did he win that first time? I think he won $10 million both times. And then he took the lump. Are you like super nice the first time and then the second time you're like, all right, I was nice. Nobody gave a fuck. I'm going to peace out. Fuck all these people. A friend of mine's dad won the lottery when we were in high school, which was sick.

And then... Like how much? I think six million bucks. Wow. Unreal. Yeah, pretty tight. And then he showed up... Which could happen tonight here at Bed-Z-Law. Parks to see lots. So sorry. Get yourself some beers and get on out there. Go ahead. Yeah, and then he like...

left his family and just started fucking hookers. Immediately? Right away. Which I think is what we all would do. He won the lottery. They're all celebrating. His wife comes over. He's like, don't touch me. He's like, nope. I do like that she's like, why are you doing this? He's like, I can give you six million reasons, bitch. Show your tits! You know what? I actually don't want to see him tonight. Keep those tits in.

No, actually, he bought a bunch of cars for his family and then bought a couple homes. Honey, I gave you a fucking car. Get out of here. Yeah, he didn't leave his family. Damn, this guy's got a stroke. Or he's having a stroke. I can't tell. You guys had some hot cues. We're going to give you some sweet, sweet A's. Okay, let's do it, baby. So Megan asked Folger's song, Sing Off.

Love you, Blake. Haven't we done this? We've done it. Is there a different one we can sing off? Can we get a different suggestion from the crowd? I don't know the words to any other song. I guess I'm just like, go listen to the one we did. No, we're doing it again. I'm not going to do it.

He's such an asshole. The best part of waking up. See, it's already stupid. All right, I'll try it for real. He doesn't even want to do it. You influenced my dumbness. Adam, you don't have to do everything they tell you to do. The best part of waking up. Shut the fuck up. Is Folgers in your cup. Very good. Blake, you want to hit him with it? The best part

Waking up is Folgers in your hookup. Blake's the best. Already Blake won. I will say, Blake, when he sings, it looks very painful. That is what a good singer does. The more in pain you look, the better you look.

Yeah, that's what the best singers do. Like Jared LaVert style? Yeah, just like... Who's the guy who's got the giant mole on his face? Aaron Neville. That guy? Yeah. I thought you were going to say Enrique Iglesias. Oh, yeah, him too. Does he have a mole? He got it removed. He did get it removed. What a bitch. Which fucking sucks. I don't like that. The best part of waking up...

♪ There's forges in your cup ♪ - That was good. ♪ Please don't stop the music ♪ - Probably the most marketable voice. ♪ Please don't stop the music ♪ ♪ Please don't stop the music ♪ - Yeah, I'm not interested. - Wow. - What a dick.

It's chill. He's right. You can go listen to the episode. Go listen to the episode. We're here. Jers is the villain of our group. Catherine wants to know, of the four of you, whose poop would you eat? No. In order. Now this I'll answer. That's a good question, Catherine. The best part of waking up is eating Kyle's shit.

Is it? Because that's not where I would go. Dude, I'll tell you, I had a couple bonkers shits today. You would not want those. Bonkers? Here's who's shit I would eat. Bonkers? I would eat... This is the shit I would eat. In order. Be honest here. I would go...

Durst eats healthy. What are you talking about? Are you fucking insane? Do you know me? I went to two cheesesteak places today. No, wait for it. Shut the fuck up. This is my story. I went to Gino's and Pat's. They can't shut up. Gino's and Pat's. It was so bad. I went back to the hotel and walked to the Carvery or something like that. Choppy's? What's it called?

Huh? Cleavers. And got another cheesesteak that was fucking bad. And a milkshake. Hey, guess what? I'm eating your shit first. When have you seen me eat a healthy meal ever? I've seen you starve yourself for rolls. That's it.

That's different. That's not eating. I would wait until you're starving yourself and then I would eat your shit. That's not eating. Starving is not eating. I feel like I've lost a friend here. Blake, I guarantee you, he doesn't eat food. I eat because I'm on a diet. And he mostly consumes alcohol. So he's going to have the runny beer shit. It's just foam. So you can drink them. Easier. It would be Ders and then I would eat my own shit.

This is, uh, you, Catherine wanted to know the order. I'm telling you my order. We-oo!

And then I would eat my own shit. Then I'd eat Kyle's shit. Okay. We can have it. And then I'd take a spoon and soup up your shit. It's science. Right. Okay. I do like how she just wanted to know whose you would eat. And you were like, in this order, I have to eat all of it. It's in order. Oh, it is in order. I'm so sorry. I would do probably, I think I would eat Kyle's first because he eats a bunch of vegetables. Yeah. Oh, well, that's.

That's foul, dude. You don't want a bunch of vegetables. Are you sure? Yeah. At least I feel like I'm getting some sort of vitamins as I eat shit. There's no vitamins in shit. It's the consistency. It's not about vitamins. There is zero vitamins in shit. That's what we don't need. There has to be some vitamins in shit. Maybe in like a little piece of corn or something. Yeah, there's got to be because like dung beetles, you know how you shit in your backyard and the...

Yeah, no. There's some vitamins in shit for sure. I would probably go Kyle shit. Yep.

And I have to eat your guy's shit too? Yeah, you have to eat all of our shit in order. But remember, it doesn't have to be best to worst. You might want to eat the worst one first so that you can wash it down with someone else's delicious shit. Well, that's what I'm saying. And then you leave with that taste in your mouth. I'm trying to figure out what would be the difference between you two guys' shit, but I don't know. I guess Adam next because he has the Omaha Steaks hookup, so I get my veggies, then I get my meat, and then I get my food.

Then I get whatever Durr's dice rolled, the three fucking cheese steaks or whatever happened. And then you eat your own shit last? Chippy choppies. Yeah, I mean, I do that. That's normal. I don't think you have to say your own shit. Yeah. Okay, so who's up next? Kyle. Well, I'm...

And quickly. Okay, I'm going to eat both your guys' shit just at the same time. Nice. You're going to stir it up? I'm going to mix it and then I'm going to drink Blake's. Nice. I'm going Adam, who's on like a fucking regimented meal plan. Okay. Then I'll go... I'm not. Please be me. You're not on like... You don't do like...

Well, not... You don't buy all the groceries? Look at my body. Not for years I've done that. But you don't do, like, the meal prep? No. For the week? I mean, before the tour? Oh, before the tour, yeah. Yeah, I eat pretty well. Yeah, I'm just saying generally. I mean, yeah. So I'm getting your meal prep, poo-poo. This is sick. Then I'll probably go Blake because he never eats, so the turd's going to be small. Okay. Yep.

Then I'll go Kyle to get my nutrients. Yeah, see? There's no nutrients in shit, I'm telling you. You're not getting nothing from these things. Then I'll eat my own just to say I fucking did it. Nice science. I like it. Hey, Catherine, thanks. Yeah.

Nikki Zajac asks, first off, Kyle betrayed us. Why? Oh, well, probably, yeah. That's life. You know what I mean? With Adam becoming a dad, can each of you share your best piece of parenting advice? And what will gross him out? Oh, my God. And what will gross him out?

Nothing, dude. Nothing. We just talked about eating each other's shit. Nothing grosses me out. Your kid will shit on you, for sure. That's tight. Oh, yeah. It's dope. Into your hand, I've had that happen. Very cool. It just pools, and you're like, I don't know. But what's cool is when you wipe someone else's ass, you kind of go, oh, maybe I'll wipe mine a little differently now. Yeah, I know. I learned a thing or two here. You're learning some techniques. It's a whole new angle you get to see it from. Maybe I will use a wet wipe. That's good. Yeah.

Maybe I should wear a diaper so I can shit wherever I want. My advice would be when you feel like you want to or should beat them, just don't.

that's a good advice just don't advice debatable in front of people yeah in front of people there's the real advice whispering into the microphone i would say just get real familiar with um miss rachel and blippy oh there you go start now who's that yeah yeah uh for the sake of your marriage step up and change a diaper every once in a while dude i know my wife thinks i'm like chloe's like you have to change diapers i'm like

put me on diaper dude I don't give a shit I'll change a million diapers it's a lot it's a lot of diapers bring them out dude at first because when you first have a kid it's like 10 fucking diapers a day dude watch this what are you doing please don't change that diaper okay okay so good you're good no but you know what I will say you see that shit dog we got a homie who writes on the Simpsons who gave me that who basically gave me that advice he was like

Just change the diaper no matter how bad it is. Just take it away and take care of that because it's finite. Whereas when a baby's crying, you don't know when that shit's going to stop. Totally. Just change the diaper and then it's over. Chris McElroy would like to know... There he is. McElroy.

McElroy. He goes, why is Todd, our sound engineer and editor, wearing a shirt? It's his hometown show. Todd, show your titties. Lights up. Lights up. Lights up. Oh, he's already got it. There he goes. Wow. What a good boy. Yeah.

Tits up for Toddy! That was weird. That was cool. He was ready. Did you write that, Todd? Yeah. Yeah, Todd's like writing it, not his handwriting. The dude who just kills it on the sound and is from Philly, show your titties. Woo!

It did say Chris McElroy, a.k.a. Not Todd. Yeah. Oh, shit. That's interesting. Okay, it couldn't be them. What was your favorite Christmas gift as a kid, guys? Oh, I know mine. Oh.

One year, my dad got me season tickets to the Oakland Athletics RIP. But tickets were like five bucks. Your dad's dead? No, the Oakland A's are dead. I remember one Christmas, my dad got a bonus. Oh, I thought you were saying something else. Just one.

You got a bonus and we all got pop guns. What? What are pop guns? Pop guns are like little corked guns where it's on a string and then you bring it back. What was that bonus?

Your dad got a bonus, so he got you like a $3 popcorn? No, I know, I know. I got a bonus. I went to Parks Casino, lost it all. You got the popcorn. I know. Years later. But you don't lose here at Parks Casino. No. It's the loose slots. Excite Center, Ben Salem.

I remember my mom said, I was like 9 or 10, and my mom was like, okay, you can finally have a BB gun. And my dad and my uncles, I got so many fucking BB guns. I got a BB gun rifle with a sniper...

on it. I got a scope. I got handguns. Sure. BB handguns, dude. Was that before or after you asked for trench coats? Right. Just before. You and Mike going, new trench coat with my guns. Best Christmas ever. It's all working out. I love that we're all over the place. You got season tickets to a professional athlete. That's crazy. Yeah. And then you got wooden dog shit. Uh,

Okay. You got weapons. I was just going to say, I remember getting a MyPep monster. Oh, yeah. Those were sick. Those were fucking sick. And then you could take the handcuffs and put them on yourself and break out. What? I don't really remember what that is, but you are the oldest man alive. It was like a stuffed animal that was a monster. You're like, I got a color television. Yeah. He was like the blue monster. RCA. I got a radio. The boob tube. Yeah.

It has this new thing called FM. Any take backs, any apologies, any epic slams here for Ben Salem? Dude, I'm just here trying to shout out the beer garden next door, okay? Beer garden! Beer garden! Glass windows and shit. Yeah.

I mean, I circled this one on the calendar. I was so excited to come to beautiful Ben Salem. And you guys did not disappoint. Honestly, you guys were the quickest show to sell out, so you fucking rock. Go, Ben Salem. Go, Ben.

Ben Salem. Go Ben Salem. Ben Salem. I heart you, dog. I heart you. Go Salem. But other than that, I would like to take back the fact that I said poop has vitamins in it, so I'll take that back. It does, though. It's got something. It's got to have something. Something. So we do have some epic giveaways. Epic giveaways in the form of a t-shirt. Okay, yeah. Here we go. Epic. Oh, here I'll grab some. Oh, yeah.

Alright, here we go. This is tight, because we can get all the way over here. I'm going to go deep. I'm going to go deep to you guys. Alright, and bro, that was such a bad toss. That fucking was epic. Thank you guys so much. You guys, I mean, we've had such a blast. We really appreciate you coming out. Thank you guys. We did it. We'll see you out there at the tables. And this was another episode of

This is important. Peace.

Top reasons your career wants you to move to Ohio. So many amazing growth opportunities, high paying jobs in technology, advanced manufacturing, engineering, life sciences, and more. You'll soar to new heights, just like the Wright brothers, John Glenn, even Neil Armstrong. Their careers all took off in Ohio and yours can too. A job that can take you further and a place you can't wait to come home to. Have a great day.

We'll be right back.

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