Ep 169: Live From Dallas: Kyle Is Not Doing Well 01:28:15

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Welcome to This is Important, a production of iHeartRadio, the show where we only talk about what's the most important, bottom line, critical thing happening on this planet. Today on This is Important. I don't want to take a sip of ass juice. Dude, I'm going to go get a fucking towel or something. Honey, maybe just go take your morning poo-poo. You'll be fine. I have a kooky dick and Kyle's just juicy. Buckle up.

I wanted to feel like a fucking Pantera concert in here! And yo Blake, what does that mean? Cause I don't know. Probably just like, maybe some dudes will show us their tits! Yeah! I got one! It's happening! It's finally happening! Oh my god! Oh my god!

Isaac we wish this were you we wish you a chance your nipples. Whoa, they're huge. Look at the crossbows and mustache guys. I do love Coming

- Oh my god. - We were in an argument with management because we did have a lot of buzz balls to throw out in the crowd.

We were told we couldn't. We were told we could not throw them out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, and that's you guys. That's you guys booing the management. That is not us. No. That is not us. Although it was a knockdown drag out. It was a knockdown drag out, but we respect the management, and it's up to you guys to boo said management. Fuck it. Because we wouldn't.

do that. I wouldn't do that. I am respectful of where we perform and they also cut the checks. Yes. But also, if you guys were to say, fuck you, we want the buzz balls. Oh, what? That's up to them saying it and I don't

I'm not saying I agree with it or not. No. Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz

We want to see you guys react like it's a TII show and start saying buzz balls a lot. Buzz balls. Yeah, I don't think they're performing a lot lately. We all reached that point. Hey, maybe tonight. Oh, fuck. What does that mean? That's just your computer, though. Yeah, that's just your computer. Yeah, but yo, this is cowboy. Come on now. Come on, man. Let's get it going again. Well, turn it up in the monitor so I can fucking hear it. Turn it up in the monitors. Let's whip the hair back and forth.

Oh, shit. We got the bangers. We got the bangers. We got the bangers. Banger. Hell yeah, dude. That guy's a real banger. Oh, dude. Yep. Yep. And I'm like the dad of the concert who's like... Your neck's gonna hurt in the morning, son. You know, if we can beat traffic if we go now. Yeah, there's...

Just from that, I broke a sweat. You're actually sweating a lot from that, dude. I am? I'm pretty up close, and I'm seeing some titty sweat. Are you really? Oh, BS. No, dude, I can tell. It's not coming through the shirt, but I know those titties are sweating. Oh, yeah, well, I just said it was. No, I will 100% have a bang over tomorrow. What is a bang over? A bang over. I like that. You guys know what a bang over is?

I think a lot of people are saying it, but they're like, yeah. And then now they're deducing. It's like you have your head banging and it's your hangover. No, it has to do with finger banging. Oh, it is? No, no, no, no. No, it is. It's from head banging. And then the next morning, you're like, you cannot move your neck. Right. Dude, do you remember? So you've had a lot of bang overs from finger banging? I remember.

Yes! Finger bangings. Okay, now it's on the podcast forever. I've had a wingover. I remember the first bangover we had. It was after... Wait, we? Me and you. Remember? Hey, do tell.

It was when Andrew WK album came out. Oh, okay. So you're not saying you finger-banged Blanket the Asshole. I'm not saying I didn't. I'm just saying that Andrew WK was out and it was on repeat. I'm still schvitzing, bro. That was a lot. I'm gonna call you. Yeah, hey. So who else is, Pantera obviously is from Dallas. Who else is from Dallas? You heard it here first. No, Macklemore is from Seattle. We covered that. Yeah, you guys. I'm gonna call you.

Hey, by the way. Oh, Posty. She's saying Posty. Oh, Post Malone. All right. Let's type. I will say that, by the way, I love Post Malone. I think he's cool. I've had people stop me at restaurants and be like, hey, do you know Post Malone?

And I go, no. Why would I know Post Malone? And they go, just figuring maybe you might run in the same circles. Yeah, you do run in a lot of circles. And I'm like, I don't run in Post Malone's circle. I'm not that fucking cool. I don't have tattoos on my eyeballs. No, always tired. I'm actually not tired that often.

I'm on a lot of uppers most of the time. Right, right, right. Yeah. I'm very caffeinated always, dude. You're zipping? You're zopping? I'm zipping always, dude. Your tattoos are on your eyelids and it says, just tap me awake, please. Tap me. It's on my eyelids because you never see them. Exactly. I'm so hot. Kyle. Oh, yeah. Kyle, take your shirt off if you're that hot. Take it easy, dude. I'm really hot right now, dude. What the hell are you doing? Fucking disaster, my guy. Yeah!

I just feel like I need to get cozy real quick cuz I'm hot as fuck Like a little bit of headbanging it fucked me up, dude. What the fuck is happening to my chin? This is why I love Kyle. This is why this is why I look out more than you guys because because Kyle

is out of shape still, man. I can't fucking headbang. You're still out of shape, but you're the most in shape I've seen you in years. Can't get comfortable. But you're not afraid to just let it all flop out, dude. Yeah.

By the way, this person right here just, they heard you slapping the belly and they craned their neck over that speaker to be like, what's going on there? I have to, hey, take a little walkabout, show the crowd. Yeah, get on up. You want me to do that? Get up! Because the people in the front. Oh, yeah, okay. Get on up. Wow, dude. And please don't show them your back. Bow to your sensei.

Don't know how I feel about it. So wet sounding. Hey, show the tattoos. While we're here, maybe show the tattoos. Oh yeah, check it out. What up? So Kyle, we talked about this on the podcast before, but Kyle at one point goes, I'm going to write all the things that are important to me and put them

write a bunch of sentences, put them, jumble them up and put them on my back and we're all like, that's a dumb tattoo idea. I heard great idea. When you said dumb, I heard great. I was like, seems dumb and then when that comes out of my mouth, that means great for Kyle. Yeah, because it's confusing. Yeah, and then you got it all tattooed on you and I'm like, well, what are the sentences? And then you go,

I don't remember. Yeah. That's the most bummer thing about this tattoo is I didn't keep the piece of paper with the sentences on it. And there's, it says hummus. Yeah. It does. There's a word, it says hummus on his back. Well, hummus, I got hummus because it's got, I got humans on the back. There was a sentence that I wrote that was about humans. Let me read some of these words. Go ahead. Hey, Kyle. What's up, bro?

Oh, why did you stick your finger in my ear, bro? Let me get in here, dog. What are you doing? Let me get in here. I got to see it all. I got to see it all. Do you feel how hot I am? You're fucking scorching, bro. I think I might be sick or something. I don't know what's going on. I agree. Quit moving. So it says friends. He said I agree. Always. Wizard. Oh, yeah. Regret. Regret.

Regret. Regret. Regret. Regret is bolded and underlined. Right. Popo, stop! Dude, he has cry written on him. Yeah. Cry-le. He got family. Yeah. Kyle. It says Kyle? I think I just said that. That's bullshit. Yeah, I wouldn't do that. Get to me the mom women beer

Past essential die with an exclamation point. Yeah, that was a big one. Humans. See, that's the humans. So the humans, you're at the humans, right? Yeah. Now what does it look like? Wait, wait, no. I said humans. It's hummus, dude. Yeah, but there's another one that says humans that looks like hummus. And that's...

Humans is over here. So that's why I got the hummus because everybody still is like, you got hummus tattooed on your back? I'm like, no, that says humans, you dumbass. Hummus is over here. It seems like you got a better tattoo artist to write hummus. I did. I didn't do it. Don't point to me. You were with me because there's been two sittings. I would never let you do that. Why did your shoes come off? I'm hot. Dude, I got to take off my socks. I haven't done that yet. And by the way, there's also like...

You can't see it from the back. There's a couple flies flying around. Bro, something happened. Something was triggered. I'm so... I apologize. It's an early apology for this. He wrote... He tattooed NWO on his body. Give me some sweets, bro. Give me some sweets out there. Come on, bro. He wrote confuses. That's a weird one. Insane. That's a good one. Jillian. I got Jillian...

I got Jillian in the same sitting as hummus. To be fair, you thought Jillian was an amount of money that you were going to get someday. I'm going to reach for a Jillian. Who would the question mark exist and learn? Wait, that was points. Yes, points! Thank you, sir.

Thank you, sir. Thanks for keeping me. Hey, would you guys, if we made a T-shirt that had just that screen printed on the back, would you buy that? Yeah. That's kind of tight. Okay, well, I'm going to tell our manager to take care of it, and you'll never see it. And then we'll never be able to see that. He'll never do it. Do you think you'll ever add to it, Carl?

Maybe. Are you okay, by the way? I'm tripping, dude. If you die tonight and we're just laughing as you are in cardiac arrest, that's hilarious. It is. It's the funniest way to go. That would be the funniest way to go is you come on stage, you sweat so profusely that you have to take your shirt off in front of like 2,000 people. And both shoes in one sock.

Yeah, I'm just waiting for the other one. I'm hoping I'm cooling down after I take down one, but... Toasty! I'm not cooling down. But I will say, Kyle, you're really... Let's stop. Let's move on to something else. For as little... No, no, no. For literally as...

As zero muscle mass as that you have? Pretend like I'm not here. Water trash. For the amount of muscle mass you don't have, you look great. And I know that you recently lost like 50 pounds, dude. This is a big accomplishment. That's a lot. It's science. Yeah.

So that skin is drooping in weird and funky ways, but it's because he just lost a 50, you know? And it's going to settle. It's going to settle. And he looks great. Dude, I'm going to go get a fucking towel or something. Isaac, can you bring me like a towel or a t-shirt or something? Please take your shirt off and give it to Kyle and have him scrub his body down. Yeah, something, man. This is the way. Dude, are we allowed to talk about what happened to me in my hotel room today? Yeah.

I don't think I know what happened. Yeah, what happened? So, you know, we're on a tour. We're staying in hotel rooms. That's what we're doing because we're not... Nobody's letting us sleep on their couches. What the fuck? Yeah, that is fucked up of you guys. Yeah. Since we want to stay at your house and on your... Right. No, no. I'm not going to ruin that. I'm not going to ruin your present. Dude, so before the... They're sitting front and center. They want your musk.

Oh, you want me to do it and then you get it back? Yeah. That's fucking gross. They're going to give it to you later. Oh, yeah. Oh, it's a shirt that says, ladies and gentlemen. Big check hands. Big check hands. So if people don't know, this is where Kyle, one time when he tried to fight me and lost. Oh.

He kept saying, you're lucky I didn't hit you with these big check hands. Damn. He was like blackout drunk. He's like, oh, I would have... He like swang, but the swings were like...

Like a cartoon? Right. Yeah. Yeah, not a good fighter. Kyle, I think putting it on your back between the non-breathable leather seat there. Yeah, you're good. There you go. I'll take anything right now. That might help a lot. Okay, so my story was that... Blake's also very sweaty.

What's going on? Before the show, as we all do, I was having a sesh. Which is what? What does that mean? I was freaking J. Owen, bro. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Well, the thing we've learned on tour is you have to check if Pornhub works in every city. Because we were in Salt Lake City, and it just didn't work. Yeah. The Mormons were like, not here. No.

Threw us for a loop. Yeah. Okay. So we're away from our loving wives and girlfriends for... Hours. A day. Yeah. Wait. Hours at a time. Have to see what the internet's up to. And so...

You were in a session. And then he goes to the gym and just puts his hands on everything. Go ahead. No, this was post-gym. This is how I come down, brother. That's not how you come down. I noticed we were in the gym together, and you left with a lot of time on the clock. I was like, oh. I figured we'd kind of be here the same amount of time with enough time to go get showered and ready and come down the lobby. And you're like, I'm good. See you. I'm going to come. Yep.

So go ahead and finish your story to all these people. It's around like 5.30, so it's like prime J.O. time, right? Sure. The moon has just risen. And that's...

The hottest part of the day, you got to relax. And, you know, I'm just like kind of like. Standing? No, I was like, you know, kind of like this on the bed, right? Now I got to peek over the monitor and see what he's doing. But here's the kicker. Hey, ladies, down front. It's pretty sexy. Here's where it's a word to the wise. I was doing it with headphones on. All right?

And these are good noise-canceling headphones. Are these Raycons? Are they Raycons? Raycons. Shout out to our sponsor. Ray J. So I'm there, and like...

So these are Ray J headphones, known for maybe one of the best celebrity sex tapes of all time. Ray J, Kim K. Great dick. Yes. Great dick. Great dick. Known for his cock. Let's be honest. For his music, known for his cock. It takes two. Kim, fantastic. Ray J, great dick. There he is. I got one. You were hell of a late with this. Hey.

It's chill, bro. Thank you. Isaac, rub him down. What are you doing? Isaac, tell him you're off. Earn your 10%, dog. So, Blake, let me just envision. You're on your back. Your headphones are on. Let me envision this, too. I got the Raycon noise cancelers. You know, I'm kind of like with my phone. Well, I'm obviously touching myself. How close is your phone here? Hey, Blake. And how do you do that?

No, no, yeah, at what point does this become unfunny? Let's figure that out. So one of my hands is out here. I'm squashing my shit, dawg. No doubt.

As one does. This dude is just like fucking working out his forearm. I'm going to be real with y'all. I treat my dick like a stress ball. Yeah? My dick is like one of those, you know those things you squeeze them and the eyes go eh and the ears go eh? Yeah, yeah. My dick does that. Sure. I believe that. I believe that. Well, I noticed that like... I bet your dick is kooky. I definitely have the kookiest dick. Blake's dick has personality. Yeah.

Satan. I definitely have the kookiest dick of our friends. Would you agree? I don't know. You tell me. Yes. I believe it. I believe that. So I noticed like... Blake's dick looks like it's seen a ghost. I know. Oh, wow.

Okay, I'll give you points for that. Yes, points! Well, I noticed that the light, like, sort of in the... where the front door is turned on, and I'm like, huh, that's weird. There's, like, motion lights or something. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. And then fucking the maid, like, popped in, and I was like... Today? Whoa, really? Today! Today!

Well, you didn't say anything about this in the van. Our rooms are right next to each other. They're right next to each other. Well, my immediate thought was like, does this happen to my bros a lot? That was your immediate thought? Yeah. Yeah, right. Not like covering yourself or apologizing. Immediately it wasn't like, excuse me, miss, come back later. It was, does this happen to my bros a lot? He's squashing. Remember, he is gripping. Oh, yeah.

What just happened to my bros? Yeah, first thought maybe would be stop squashing. Well, it was actually like the interaction was super chill, actually. I imagine this is something they see all the time. That was my second thought. I'm like, how often did the bros get caught? And then she must, this must happen all the time. So what was it? Did she? Because I've had both. I've also been in this situation. I knew it. I knew it. I've also been in this situation. Then a maid came in.

Oh, dude, maybe a half dozen times. Like, during you meeting off or just being in a compromising position? Like, butt naked sleeping. Both having sex, but that was maybe one time. And six other times is me J-O-ing. But I don't relax in the bed. I'm, like, practicing calisthenics. Right. So I'm trying to hang from things. Right.

Wow. No, but no, I understand what you're saying because sometimes you're like, oh, sorry, I'll come back later. And other times they're like, okay, so when do you want me to come back? They're chilling. They're like already scrubbing. They're like, wish I didn't have to, but. I mean, these. Hey, you notice me start to do a Mexican accent and bail on it? Yeah. Good job, bud. Right. Good job, buddy. I was like, I don't know, maybe. And then I was like.

Maybe I'll just come back later. Maybe I'll just come back later, sir. What's up? My name's Jeff. Yeah. Just a white boy you went to middle school with. Hey, that's a real goofy dick. Now I scrub the toilets. You good, bro? You need any more towels, dude? You good, bro? You done J-O-ing or? You're going to need one more towel, trust me. Yeah, how about I just hit the bathroom? You can continue. Yeah. What are you watching? It is.

What's up with the hub? You've been away from your wife for an hour, so... You taking it to the hub? It was casual, though. Yeah, I was kind of there, and then I kind of was like, you know, like squashing, and then I was like... I kind of side-eyed, and she was like, okay, I'm going to dip. Yeah. Right. And I'm out. And then when I came out of the room, she was doing another room, and she was kind of like...

She was like... Oh, you had like a double goodbye. Yeah. Hey, about what happened in there... She like gave you a water. She's like, you need to hydrate? Right. You good, bro? You want the rest of this dude's BLT?

Right.

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Hey, quick question, real talk. Have you ever been walking through a hotel room?

hallway, and you see some French fries that look pretty untouched, and you're like, let me get one. And I'm not saying I have until I've heard your answers. Hey, shut up. It's not about you. I'm asking my boys. Uh, no. I...

I don't think so, dude. I think that's gross. Yeah, no, me neither, dawg. I think that's sick. Because I know that these are usually like a midnight to later night order for me, and then they sit in my room for eight hours before I put them out.

Oh, see, I don't. I'm like, let's get the stink out of here. I like to, it gives you good dreams, though. Yeah, when you have food smells in your bed. Oh, I find that fucking yucked. Oh, yeah, that's disgusting. By the way, you're disgusting. Eat strangers french fries. Have you never done that, Blake?

What'd you call me? Break. Break. That's your name, right? Is that Blake? Jake Andrew again. No, I've never done that. Yeah, me neither. Bullshit. I'm going to call bullshit on you. This guy is sneaking fries. I'm just saying, you guys answer the way you answered, and I answer the way I answered. Lay off me, I'm starving. No, but I have eaten it at full BLT.

Sure. If you see the little toothpick still in it, good to go. Game on. I'm saying, though, okay, just to... COVID started with me. Right, right. I'm the Wuhan bat. Yeah. You're patient zero? Yeah, yeah. I love that. Well, I'm saying, wait, okay, but just so... You are hella wet, man.

Like a what? Like a market. Like a wet, wet market. No, Kyle's wet. I'm wet. I'm over here still dripping. I'm almost like fucking regulated, dude. I have a kooky dick and Kyle's just juicy.

My dick is juicy? No, just your body is, bro. You're sweating everywhere. You said you have a kooky dick and not... You're juicy. Okay, I thought you were talking about my... I like you were doing an impression of one of my first stand-up bits. Yes, Adam had a... Juicy. Adam had a... Do you want to do your bit? Yeah, go for it. I don't even remember the bit fully. Do a little stand-up set. I think it's 20 a bit. It's about the...

Yeah, can you do my I can all right? Yes, you can do it. Can I have a microphone or maybe like yeah, okay? Okay, everybody see like uh but like Blake Hey, but also do Adam. Hey, dude, you're you're me and also command the stage a little better Okay

You look like a skater begging for money at the beach. I don't touch my dick when I did stand-up. Actually, Adam, you do. You always have. I didn't know. It's like a nervous tick. No, dude, if anything, I'm like...

Adam's impression of himself is so good. This dude just did an impression of him. Okay, fine. If anything, that's what I'm like. You know how Adam walks to stage from over there. It's like this. No, he goes like this. This is Adam on a stand-up special walking to stage. Ready? Yeah, ready. Here comes Adam coming on stage. That's true. That is true, actually. That guy seems pretty fun. That is true. Look at his tongue.

That is true. Yeah, that guy seems pretty fun. Oh! I'd party with that guy, yeah. And now I know why your body's falling apart. I am hurting. A lot of things shifted and popped on that. Doing those twinkle toes I just did, my hip just fell out of joint right there. My hip flopped out. Okay, so juicy. Okay, so girls. All right. So how many of you have noticed these girls wearing...

These pants with juicy written across their butt. Yo, right here, bro. I've noticed that. I have. By the way, this is from 2004. So this is a while ago. But yeah. Their ass is juicy.

Hey, wait. You look at that girl and you go, damn, that ass has a lot of juice in it. Did you say that? Yeah, I think so. Did you say that? Yeah. You're like, I see that girl's ass and I want to take a sip of some Tropicana ass juice. I thought it was the opposite. He's like, you don't want your ass to be filled with juice. I don't look at someone's ass and think, I want to take a sip of it. That's a pretty good joke. Which is weird because...

I feel like when you look at ass, you do want to take a sip. I don't want to take a sip of ass juice. A little defensive. I think that's the whole point is you don't want to take a sip of ass juice. He said, I think that's the whole point. This is his premise. That was my premise. My premise was, ew, who drinks juice from ass? You don't look at a dick and go, girthy. Oh, that's the first part. Yeah, but then remember you go, who takes a sip of ass juice? And you go, ew, pulpy.

That always got me. It's a really good joke. Sorry I didn't do it right. And I also wish I kind of remembered it, but I've smoked those brain cells away, dude. You did do it good. I did it really bad, and I apologize. And that will be my take back later. I did that joke on Live at Gotham, which was a Comedy Central stand-up special for new faces in the early aughts. And for you guys in the audience, Comedy Central used to be this channel. Yeah.

Hot, hot, hot, hot. Channels were a thing on a thing called television. Have any of you seen the show Workaholics before? Yeah. So it was on one of these old-timey channels, dude.

It was on one of these old-timey channels, dude. I forget. I forget. Someone was talking about a show, and it was when I was shooting Gemstones last season before the strike and all the bullshit. Yeah. And we were shooting Gemstones. Thank you, God! And I was hanging out with all the, like, little young PAs, and these kids were, like, talking about some show, and I go, what channel is it on? And they go, what?! Yeah. Channel?!

You're old as fuck, dude. Yeah. And I'm like, what? And they go, channel? Dude, channels are for fucking...

Freight boats and shit. Shut up, bitch! Oh, that's cool. Channel Islands. And I was, like, so offended that I... But real talk, I guess I'm just old as shit now. It was my birthday last week. It was. I'm 40 now. 40! So I guess I'm just old as shit. Yes, points! This is 40. Hey, everybody. Happy birthday to... Yeah!

Yes, points! And now realistically, how many more years do you think you have? Dude, this is a vodka Red Bull. Yeah! Oh, what the fuck? Oh, what the fuck? Oh boy. Now go right into the juicy bit. Go right into the juicy bit.

Get up and come down with the sickness. Wow, Adam's about to go cross. Are you cross-eyed, mate? A little bit. I'm like legit worried your heart might explode. Adam has this look in his eyes I've never seen before. Look at him. Well, now's when he starts to sweat. No, I feel great.

And what's great about me is if you just drink... What's good about me? Cool sentence. And my heart. If you drink vodka Red Bulls continuously and never stop, a lot of people in their 40s slow down with those. Right. I never did. So I think my heart is built for speed, and I'm going to live forever. Like, literally. He's a vampire. And that's how I feel. By the way, how does everybody feel about Adam's mustache? Because...

Well, see, and you notice I get a lot, thank you, and also Killer Stash. I'm getting a lot of applause from the first few rows, and then up top, people are like,

What mustache? Right, right, right. Because I had some friends last night, we were in San Jose, and my friends were towards the back, and they were like, dude, I did not know you actually had a mustache. That's hard to see from back there. And I was pretty offended by that. But it's coming in, it's not coming in white, like a lot of people are thinking. White. I'm over white. White. I'm over all things white. Okie dokie. Okay.

Because your facial hair, your skin color. No, no, no. Everything. Yeah, that makes sense. People, paper. Lobster meat? Lies. Everything white. Lobster meat?

Lobster meat? Do people call it white lobster meat? The white meat is lobster meat, right? Well, I think pork is... Isn't pork, though... Yeah, Blake, lobster meat as well. Well, first of all... It's true, it's true. Did you come from a family of wealth that you're eating lobster meat so often that you call that the other white meat? My poor-ass family...

My poor ass family was calling pork the other white meat. See, that's what I thought too. Yeah, okay. My nickname in high school was the other white meat. Because there was one dude, Angry Cock. Oh, you want some points for that? Okay. Yes, points! Well, I always, this is a legit question I've had for years, is if you only ate lobster meat, would you shit white? Yes.

Wait, this is your question you've had for years and we've never heard. We saved it for you, Dallas. Hey, by the way, a quick question because I don't believe Blake. Quick question. Is it Grand Prairie or Dallas? What do you rep? Dallas. Hang on, hang on. So is it... Let's cheer if it's Grand Prairie. Grand Prairie. Okay. Dallas. Okay. Dallas.

Houston. Is it not? Oh, I like that. So we know that Houston didn't win. But for me, Grand Prairie might have won. Yeah. This one's not for points. More like P-Houston. Yes, points. No, I said no points. No.

Sorry, I take those points. It's not for points. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. So answer my question. Would your shit be white? I think the answer is yes. I'm going to say the answer is yes. If you only ate lobster meat... And water.

No, and milk. Okay, yeah. If you have lobster meat and milk, that's coming out light. All I'll say is that if your shit is white, it's going to be one of your last shits. It's already dust. I feel like a White Walker has just touched you. Right. Honey? You've just been touched by a Game of Thrones White Walker, and then...

The shit just comes out a white icicle and you're dead. Honey, I'm pooping white. I think we should say all the things we never said. It's a matter of time. Sweetheart, I just took a big old white shit and I want you to know I love you. You looked out of the toilet and you're like, wait, where is it? Where is it?

What the fuck? It's like when the predator has the camouflage. Yeah, it's exactly that. You need heat vision to see your shit? Sweetheart, bring my heat vision goggles in here. She's like, oh, are you looking at how hot your shit is again? Honey, this is a matter of life and death. I need the goggles. Babe, that's what I'm afraid of. It's not hot.

It's frozen. It's ice cold. Turn around. Winter is coming. Turn around. And so am I. Turn around. I...

I will say that since we're on the topic of diarrhea, which is so weird for us. I will say that the day that I had the rotisserie string come out of my asshole. Diarrhea. Some people listen to podcasts and other people are fans and workaholics and so they don't really know, but one day, maybe six months or so ago, I took a shit in a

eight-inch-long rotisserie chicken string came out of my asshole. And it was super scary. Because, one, I'm like, how fast am I eating rotisserie chickens that I don't notice that I'm eating a tall chicken string? And also...

what's happening, what's coming out of my body. I was like, is this in, you know, you hear that there's like amoebas inside of people's bodies. Yeah. It's science. And you see like those videos of like wildlife, like bears, and they have the like, what do they call those? It's like the tapeworms. Tapeworms. Hanging out of their ass. Tapeworms. And it's like 13 feet long and they're just like rummaging through trash and you're like, am I a trash eating bear? I'm getting harder. And it turns out I am, dude. But,

But there was a moment there that I was like, I'm going to die. I'm just hyped you didn't like shit out a whole ass rib cage or some shit. Of what? Of the chicken. Oh, sure. Yeah, I guess that too. Yeah.

I guess I had that concern. I just kept it to myself. You didn't eat any bones, right? As far as I know, no. He ate the bones. Wait, what commercial was it where it was like, I ate the bones. What was that? Is that KFC? I ate the bones. I think it was boneless KFC. It must have been a boneless chicken commercial. Let's take ten minutes to just talk about it. It has to be a boneless something because the bones are gone. Did you guys know anybody who had a black toilet growing up?

I've had a black toilet in a house. Wow, okay, I get there's a lot of money here in Dallas. I heard a lot of like, oh yeah. For sure. Either a lot of money or a lot of your friend's parents were coke dealers. Right. Because... Right. What was with that? The people who had a bathroom with a black toilet, for sure the walls were all mirrors. Yes. Or they're all black.

Whoa. Either that or the mirrors, yes. Also, I don't get, I don't, why? Well, I feel like that's preferred. One, because you don't see the shit. Exactly. It makes a lot of sense. Yeah, and you don't see, like, any streaks on it or anything like that. There's nothing. I pitched to Chloe. We just redid our bathrooms, and I was like, maybe we go all brown for this one. Nice. That's a good idea. I pitched it. We went with, like, a blue theme.

You know. A toilet? No, the toilet's white, but everything's blue in there. I think I prefer a dark bathroom. I actually prefer to take the lights down when I shit. Okay. I bet you do, you fucking dirty motherfucker. I like to blindfold myself. What? Yeah. Wait.

What, it's like a real sensual process for you? Sensory deprivation. Honey, where are my nipple clamps? I need to poop. Yeah, it's a whole thing. And you know that it's not going to happen if I don't. Oh, it's whites. Hit him with the points, Blake. Oh, yeah, you got some points. Yes, points! Woo!

- That's just having fun and talking. - So, you blindfold yourself when you take a shit? - No, no, I don't actually do that, but I have been like-- - Wait, you don't actually do that? - You lied to us? - No, no, I'm just saying I have been-- - I never know if you're joking or not. - I have been on a schedule where I shit right when I wake up, and it's dope, 'cause it's still dark out, and I just turn the lights down, and it's just cool, I don't know. - Who cares?

Yeah, I don't even know how I started talking about this. Also, Kyle, why are you getting up so fucking early? They're getting up at like 4 a.m.? Dude, I pop up at like fucking 5.30. I don't know what the fuck this shit is. Is this just dad life? Is this what I have to look forward to? No, this is when the demons start coming out. Yeah, this is demons. This is when Kyle just screams into his pillow for 15 minutes and shadow boxes in the corner and his wife is like...

You good? Yeah. She goes, honey, maybe just go take your morning poo-poo. You'll be fine. I already did. Thank you. Get out! Get out! Are you talking to me or the shit? Yes, points! Get out! Okay, self points. I'll take them. Yes, points! Hey, Isaac, I need another frickin' beer out here, bud. Get out!

Hey, you guys ever do... Do people find this move gross? I know a lot of girls find this move gross, but do guys find it gross? Like where you take a little grease and then go like... Grease from your face and you like kill the bubbles? Hey, is that cool or is that gross? Cool? Hey, hey. Okay, is it cool or is it gross? Pretty even. I would argue that it's... Thank you, sir. I would say it's not...

It's not cool. It's definitely not cool. It's just fine. Like, it's not cool to blow your nose. No, no, no. I remember the first time I saw Mike McCoy do it in high school. I was like, this is the coolest thing that you can do. Does it work? Yeah. Yeah, it works. I've never seen anyone outside of you do it. I think it might be some, like, Midwest shit. Yeah, we did it. It was a high school thing. Like, you have so much grease in your face. I think Texas is trying to rep it. Yeah.

But in high school, you have so much grease in your face that you can just take the head off of any... But what is it doing? What is the reaction? The bubbles start dissipating. So the grease makes the bubbles dissipate faster so you can then pour the rest of your beer into your cup. Why is the grease making the bubbles go away faster? Because of science. It's science. Oh, right. Yeah, because of it's science. It is. I'm a dog of science. Yeah.

Yeah. So it's actually like a dope thing that I did and a lot of people respect it. We didn't get no Lone Stars up in my fucker? Oh, yeah. Damn. Right? That'd be sick. Is that a Texas-wide beverage? I'm hearing a Ness. I think they were claiming like Shinerbock a little harder. Okay. So then let me take back the last 30 seconds. I'm crazy we didn't get no Shinerbock. You lose!

I do love Dallas. I always have a good time here. Oh, yeah. Dallas rocks. I was always jealous of Texas because you just watch the movies and you watch the TV shows and you're like, it seems like Friday Night Live. Yo, dude, I'm legit named after the show Dallas. Oh, you are? Yeah, there was a guy on there named Blake.

Carrington or some bullshit. And was he like a sexy dude? I have never watched the show. Your mom was like getting all juicy with this guy? My mom used to masturbate. She was masturbating in a hotel room and a maid came in. She's like, I'm just naming my son. Sorry, mom. It's cool if you think about what you were just saying.

I'm just naming my son. She's just masturbating and not pregnant or having sex. And I was talking about my mother. I'm going to hell. Your mom was named after, so, I mean. No, his mom named him after. I guess I'm going to name my son Danny Tanner. Right, right. I really respect it. Carl Winslow. Your son of Dallas is what you're saying. I'm a son of Dallas. Yeah.

I am an honorary son of Dallas. What always seems so much fun to, like, grow up here. That's what I was going to say. It seems like, because it's just wide open spaces, man. Big space. Probably a lot of dirt bikes out there. Right? That's what I would do. It also, in not like a negative way, seems like suburbs. Yeah. Yeah. Definitely pretty suburban. But that's also where I grew up. I grew up in Omaha, Nebraska. It felt very similar.

We would do a lot of drinking in cornfields.

Like a buddy of mine just posted like we used to go he was from Miami and it's like yeah We used to drink 40 ounces of Mad Dog on this Mad Dog 4040 on this beach in South Beach And I go I did the exact same thing but in a shitty cornfield 30 minutes outside of Omaha. Did you guys do barn parties? Go Big Red dude. Fuck yeah. Look at that. That's so sick. What's your guys record this season?

I just don't pay attention. Shut up. I just don't watch, but what's your guys' record? This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. I don't know about you guys, but I feel this year has gone by so quickly. I became a father this year. Can you believe that, guys? Huge. And the baby that I named Bo is growing bigger every day. Let me tell you, life goes by like that.

So fast. So it's important to take a moment to celebrate your wins and make adjustments for the rest of the year. I agree. And therapy can help you take stock of your progress and set achievable goals for the next six months.

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I have a way to make your morning more efficient. You can get caught up on the news in about seven minutes. That is my promise to you as the host of the seven podcast from The Washington Post. And in that time, I will run down seven stories, everything from the most important headlines to fascinating new information you might miss otherwise.

My name's Hannah Jewell. Go follow The 7 right now, wherever you're listening, and we will get you caught up. I actually remember, I've been to Dallas before. What's the really, really, really rich neighborhood in Dallas? Tyler Park.

So you remember, we were out here with Teddy. Anyone that has a black toilet lives in Highland Park. These properties were fucking massive, dude. They were massive. And we were just riding bikes through the neighborhood. How old were you? It wasn't that long ago. We were drinking Pearl Light. Do you guys know about Pearl Light? It wasn't that long ago. We had the show. We were doing Workaholics when this happened. Why were you riding bikes through Dallas? We're looking for kids.

Well, no. We were trick-or-treating. Remember when I kidnapped for like a few weeks, a few years ago? No, we were just like, let's go ride bikes through the rich neighborhood. That'd be fun. Yeah, but why were you in Dallas? To visit Teddy. You say that like it's part of the tourism board attractions.

Come rope a steer or ride a bike through a rich neighborhood. Remember the cool statue of the horse and I climbed up on it and we pretended like we were riding the statue? That was fun. Dude, it was cool because while we were riding bikes, I was so drunk that I was legit throwing up as we were riding. I thought that was that. I remember we were riding bikes puking, riding bikes drinking, riding bikes puking, riding bikes drinking. You were part of this? I was there. Oh, so this is over 10 years ago.

Probably. Yes, it's over ten years ago. You said a couple of years ago. How much is a couple? A couple's ten. I'm fucking ten years no drinky, so this is way before that. Yeah, you've been sober a couple years. I've been sober almost ten fucking years, bro. Give it up for Kyle.

Hey, what I'm getting at is you weren't... Yes, points! Exactly. Hey, let's all raise our beers up to Kyle. Yeah, how about a toast, an alcoholic toast to sobriety, ladies and gentlemen. Congratulations to Kyle for stopping drinking. Some of us got to know when to stop, and I haven't learned that lesson. Love you, buddy. Love you too, man. Thank you. Love you, bud. Okay, so I'm getting...

You weren't like 37. You were like 29 or 28. Yeah, around there. I was a couple years old. Now I get it. A couple years younger. Yeah, we were riding bikes. We were throwing up. It was cool. And then I realized the next day we were in Texas and I probably could have got my ass shot, right? Yeah.

Yeah. What, just for riding a bike? No. Yeah, in Texas. I like how everybody here goes, yeah. It's the worst thing you can do. For the most part, you can ride bikes. No. You can't. Not with this hair. Not with that hair. Not with that hair. Whoa.

Up front. Take a load off, Andy. Dude, that's what I'm saying. I've seen the end of Easy Rider. Those guys get blown away for having long hair. I got scared as hell. Yeah. And they're on bikes. They're on bikes. But Daisy Confused is set in Texas, and they all got long hair, and they don't care. Different times. They got rid of them.

Yeah, dude, come on. Lots of people in Texas have long hair. Yeah. I saw the guy. A lot of cool long hairs. I saw the guy. I see long hair right there. Randall Pink Floyd. I don't think it was so much my hair as it was I was throwing up in people's front yards. Well, that was the thing. I think we were also trying to hop fences and get into pools and stuff. We were also trying to hop people's fences.

These guys are crazy. Legit, we probably should have been shot. By the way, those are all things that you do as children, which are very fun. It's cool that you did them as 29-year-old men. Right. Hey, like I said, man, 10 years. I feel like anywhere outside of Los Angeles...

29-year-old men have real jobs. They have families. They have mortgages. I feel like I was wearing an all-over print Kermit the Frog shirt. Jesus. You're a fucking disaster, my guy. Just a moving target. I do like the idea that you were in so many people's sights.

And then they were just like, not worth it. They're like, holy shit, it's the fucking one with the long hair from the Workaholics show. Did you guys see the news article about that 75-year-old guy? It was a climate control where they laid down in a freeway. What? A climate control where they laid down. You know how climate control activists lay down on freeways and it's super annoying? Yes.

We get it. None of us like the fact that our world is ending, but also I got to get to work. Right. And a V8 sounds pretty good. And you're like, this sucks, but also maybe don't smash a painting or lay down in a freeway. Adam loves paintings. And it sucks that this fucking psychopath 75-year-old guy just came out with his gun, just murdered a bunch of people. What the hell? Just shot him. Just

Wait, so they were doing the protest and he shot the protesters? Yeah, he just like got out of his car and was like... And then was like... When and where? Just like today. I think I saw the news article. What the hell? And there's like crystal clear photos of him shooting this gun. Okay, this is sad. Well, yeah, I mean it is. But it's also like...

What? Did you say Panama? No, they said it's in South America. Oh, it's in Panama? Oh, the place that's named after the Van Halen song? Yeah, but I mean, it's fucking wild that this is what it's come to. Panama. It is wild, man. I'm just saying...

Maybe... Adam, get up and preach. Adam. No, I'm just saying maybe the climate protesters don't lay down in freeways. Wait, right now are you siding with the murdering guy? No, I'm not. I don't think anybody should get murdered. But some psychopath might murder you, dude. Right. You lay down in a freeway, a psychopath might do some psychopath shit. Right. This is... Like, now I've learned...

When you're driving... He's 40 now. Every psycho... There's psychopaths all around you, dude. There's psychopaths all around you. It happened like that. This dude used to just walk around willy-nilly, no concern. And now... I swear, I turned 40 on Tuesday. Now he won't even lay down in the freeway. And now I'm like, maybe everyone deserves to die. Hello, Diddley! You know what I mean? Okay.

So I get it. When you're driving around and riding a bicycle in Texas, you might get shot, dude. I'm just saying. Okay, I won't fucking ride a bike in Texas anymore. Jesus. Who are you, Lance Armstrong? Lance Armstrong?

You want points for that? Well, he doesn't ride a bike in Texas anymore. That's fucking his voice. Come on. By the way, let's talk about Lance for a second. Okay. You want to talk about Lance? What a stud. Yeah, hell yeah, dude. Remember when no one knew about bike riding and then he was like, I'm the best and we thought it was cool? And then he was all juiced up and you're like, and people hated it. And I was like, yeah, that's tight though. Yeah, and you're like, oh, now you give a fuck? Who gives a fuck? He had you go into the post office thinking you were part of a team.

Did he? Yeah, because he repped the post office. The U.S. post office with their jerseys. And you'd go to the post office and you'd feel like a little cyclist. Terz, you are very much talking just to yourself right now. No. I feel this is pretty niche. I think this crowd's got some Lance in its pants. Oh.

Oh, that was good. That's what I think. That was good. Yes, points! That's what I think. I was unaware that he... So wait, he rode for the U.S. Postal Service? That's who sponsored him. The Postal Service? Yes. That's fucking cool, dude. I know! I want to be a mailman now. Too late. Too late. Damn, that's crazy. Do all postmen do steroids?

Dude, if you look at the calves on them, for sure. Oh, massive calves. Next time you see your male person, look at their calves. Yeah. They're all pretty elite. It's crazy. You know when you see some calves and you can tell that person lost 100 pounds or more? Yeah. Because you're like, no thin person has calves that big. And then you go, hey, congrats on the weight loss. And they go, thank you. Thank you so much. How did you? And you just go, the calves. The calves.

And they know that you know. Kyle, let's see your calves, dog. My calves? Oh, dude. You just dropped 50. Maybe they're fucking dope. You gotta be at least three bills for a decade to get the calves. Oh, really? Yeah. They're really nothing. Naked grandma!

They're not bad. It's not bad. They're not bad. Look at that. Oh, shit. Yeah. Look at the lighting. Look at the definition. Hello. All right. This guy used to be 250. I was 270, playboys. Oh, my God. I like that. I like that. Now he's bragging about it. I like that, dude.

Yeah, well, I was depressed in Toronto during COVID. I ate pretty much a steady diet of macaroons. Is that what they're called? Macarons? The little fucking burgers that are made out of cheeseburger? He was like, what are those cookies that look like little cookie cheeseburgers? No one knows what he's talking about because you couldn't describe it. But then when you think about it, you go, yeah, they are little cheeseburgers. Macarons? Macaroni.

Macaroni. You were eating macaroni. You were eating fried macaroni. Macaronis. You were eating fried macaroni balls. Wait, what the fuck are they? You guys are saying hella different things. Macarons. Macarons. Aren't there two things that are macarons? Aren't also macarons? They're the coconut joints. Yeah, the coconut joints. Those are macaroons. So there's macaroons, macarons, and macaroni? That's crazy. And Mac Attack. Mac Attack.

The English language is bizarre. It is. Macarons, I believe, is French. Should we do some hot topics? Okay, yeah, for sure. Oh, yeah, we're going to cover some news. Let's get into some news. So this is the news, and I'm sorry I brought up that guy shooting people earlier. That's a downer. So I thought it was topical. That was a little speed bump. Well, you know. Literally. I'll give you points for that, actually. Yeah, that's pretty good. Yes, points! You go like, if you want to.

Be a protester. Someone might shoot your ass. Be fucking careful. It's crazy. There's a risk involved. I think that's the point. What? Just do the noose. Go ahead. The protest is the risk. Go ahead. Sure. Yeah. And then this fucking psychopath might shoot you. But Dallas Topics. To be honest, I bet he's a good hang. He's probably very funny. I don't know. You think he's funny? Read the fucking noose. I bet he tells some jokes that really go there. Go ahead. All right.

Jared Leto. Nice. Yes. Why'd it cut out? There it goes. Jared Leto climbs the Empire State Building. I saw that. Dude, Jared Leto sucks, right? No. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Hey, what? Dallas Buyers Club? Dude, this guy fucking sucks. Dallas Buyers Club is very ugly. No, fuck you, Adam. Straight up, fuck you. No, no, no, no.

No, but don't say that about Jared Leto. Why do you like Jared Leto, dude? That guy sucks. He climbed the Empire State Building. That's fucking dope. Dude, I'll climb the biggest building here tonight and die. Okay. I don't know. I just... Way to make it about you. Actually, I don't know. Yeah, I don't think... Why do you think Jared Leto doesn't suck? Name three things you like about Jared Leto. All of his fucking... Dude, okay.

Okay, you're gonna regret this no No, what do you like about your life? I like his hair when he accepted this the Oscar no His hair was only good in panic room go ahead

And Fight Club, actually. Honestly, I follow him on Instagram, and I just think all of his drip videos are really fucking cool, where he just wears the dumbest clothes. No. Oh, fuck. You know what? Yeah, fuck Jared Leto. Yeah. Wait, wait. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys, this whole fucking room just swayed me, dude. To Kyle's point, fuck Jared Leto, I believe in our earliest episodes, that's what we said, is we would, or I said I would fuck Jared Leto.

You were big into fucking Jared Leto early on. It was like, if I'm going to, he's probably the guy. Well, because he looks like a woman. Right. Yeah, I guess that's right. And he climbs buildings. What do you mean he looks like Kyle? Hey, no, he doesn't. Yeah, different. And Kyle, you're on record as Jared Leto is the best joker as well. You have said that. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

He did. He said it right before the show. I didn't say that shit. Right before the show, he's like, hey, guys, before we go on stage, I just want you to know, Jared Leto's the best joker. Wait. Fuck, dude. I don't think they heard that. I'm fucked. So evidently, he's the first person to legally scale the 102-story Empire State Building. Fuck Jared Leto, man. He sucks, dude. Also, yeah, fuck.

this guy. Yeah, so also legally, what a dork. Honestly. He got like permission to do it. I bet there's a bunch of cool ass homies that just fucking scaled that shit. Right. Like King Kong and shit. Yep, exactly. I don't give a fuck. King Kong was like. And it was to promote his world tour for his band 30 Seconds to. I don't give a fuck.

But you know what? We're talking about it. Yeah, no. Yeah, and then he goes, he told NBC Today show, my girl Hoda, he was like, I was more excited than nervous to tell you the truth, but I have to be honest, it was very, very hard. It was a lot harder than I thought it would be. And then he goes, I don't know, that's what he said. Is it real? So he makes noises like that too. So at the end of saying that sentence, he goes,

So I guess he's a bitch, dude. Dude, I'm liking him more and more the more we talk about him. I'm team Leto. He's dope, dude. He's dope. Yeah, and then he goes, I made it to the top. Yeah, that's the whole thing. Dude, he's a bitch, dude. Loose butthole. All right, hey, by the way, I want to say, and I want to stand on record by saying, I'm tearing Leto, dude.

And I hope I run into him someday and he doesn't know who I am. Because that's what happened when I ran into Adam Levine. He was like, who are you? And I'm like, I have beef with you. And he's like, cool. How did you get here? How did you get so close to me? But wait, finish the...

to that. No, so he just... He made it to the top of the Empire State Building. No, no, no, no. You and your Adam Levine thing. You were like, hey, we both get messages from each other. You must get a bunch that say Adam Devine. I told this on the pod before. I don't know.

I go, I was at a Halloween party and so I'm dressed as a fucking wizard, you know? Yeah. Give me a hell yeah. So I know wizards and they're able to give me cool outfits, you know? Right. And so I have a sick wizard outfit because a real wizard gave it to me. Perfect. And I'm at the bar and I look over and Adam Levine is there and I go, hey man. Hey.

Your name's Adam Levine. I'm Adam Devine. It's one letter apart. I get mistaken for you all the time where they're like, oh, my God, Adam Levine. Adam Devine is such an amazing singer. I'm here at his concert tonight and it'll be a video of your concert. And then I go, I'm sure you get it sometimes for me, too, where you're like, he's so funny. He's at a comedy show. Look at him go. And then he looks at me and he goes, I've literally never gotten that.

Do you love him? He's got the moves like Jagger. Oh, is that a song of his? Yeah, that's the one. He was doing it. That was good. I didn't know. Yeah, you do. I didn't know what that was. That's Maroon 5? Would you rather fuck Adam Levine or Jared Leto? I guess...

I guess Adam Levine is a little more substantial of a man. Yeah, I feel like Adam... So I'd fuck him. All right. Hit me with it. Fuck Jared Leto. Wait, you want to fuck him or what? No, I don't want to fuck him, but fuck him. Okay, I will. Hit me with it. Okay. His hair was soaked. So Harry... Harry Styles divides fans.

By debuting a new shaved head. Would you fuck hairstyles? Oh, hello. 69, dudes! I don't know. I wish Blake would debut a new hairstyle. We're all getting sick of this one. Dude, that's what I'm saying. And I know.

And I know. And I know. We all love what we know, but then he mixes it up and you all jizz your fucking pants. Yeah. Give him a shot. So you see his weird ass head. I live by one rule, and it's friends don't let friends get haircuts, okay? Well, Blake, how come every three weeks to a month you allow me to do it? Maybe we're not friends anymore, dude. Just kidding. You're my best friend.

You're my best friend. Dude, we got to bring the guitar out one day. I would have sang the whole damn thing. I would have too. So evidently he cut his hair. Who gives a shit? Adam, damn. That's a dumb ass news. Yeah. Time to be a...

I do like how we're just talking about hot guys tonight. Yeah, it's pretty hot guys. But it takes one to know some, right? But evidently, so here's the last news article. Okay. Wait, oh, let's hit it off. Let's hit it off. Big last one. So Chicago hot dog king Portillo's inches closer to Dallas with a new opening. We're going to get a Dallas Portillo's, which is very exciting. Yours would always get it.

At the workaholics, like, wrap parties and stuff, there's what I always get is Portillo's. Yeah. It's already open. It's here. Oh, it's already open. Well, let's go. Let's go. This is shitty news. It's fucking legit. I grew up in Chicago. Portillo's was a thing, and you got to get that cake shake. Well, it says the Arlington restaurant will do an official ribbon cutting on Tuesday, November 14th at 10 a.m. Okay. So they jumped the gun. Okay, so you're 2,000 and early. Yeah.

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Go to ZOAenergy.com. That's Z-O-A-energy.com. And now for a little Q and A. Isaac, show your tits, doc. Isaac, show your tits. I don't like you guys telling me to show my tits. Yeah, take it off. I did mine. Punk rock, getting radical.

So that's Isaac. We got him on the soundboard now. I don't like you guys telling me to show my tits. Will you play them all for me, please? Just play them all. Punk rock, getting radical. Drinking with Adam's always fun. I like getting weird with Kyle. What does that mean?

Does he fuck you? No, man. Come on. We just talk about like ghosts and shit. All right. So you guys have some hot cues and we got some sweet, sweet A's. All right. So Charles F. goes, who would you portray in a movie about your life? Or who would I portray? What? No, I read that wrong. Okay. Who would portray you in a movie about your life?

Fucking Leto, dude. Oh! Yeah. Purple side! Can you imagine drinking? I'd watch the fuck out of that movie. Every fucking dumbass thing you do is super, like, sexualized. He's like, you're slinking everywhere. So tell us about your body transformation, Jared. Yeah, it's a pickleball movie. He just starts at 270. Jared Leto is water trash. Dude, that'd be epic.

Blake, what about you, dog? Yes, points! I think, huh, who would be me? Shut up, bitch. So we said Carrot Top, and Blake said, shut up, bitch. But also, good casting. Yeah, pretty good. No, man, obviously Cara Delevingne. Yeah, yeah. What? Um...

Yeah, I don't know. I guess I could go the same route as Blake and name the person from Game Over Man, who was Mark Paul Gosselaar, who then, this is kind of funny, have we talked about this on the pod? I don't think so. So in Game Over Man, at the end of the movie where we wanted to make our own game, he was like, you guys should be in the game. And we were like, great. And he's like, but I'm going to replace you with famous people. And we go, got it. So we each picked somebody to represent us. I believe Adam was Sean Astin. He was Cara Delevingne. I was Mark Paul Gosselaar.

Cut to a couple years later. I'm on this pilot for Mixed-ish, which is a spinoff of Black-ish. Uh-huh. Right? Yeah, right? So we got one huge fan? And then they fired me for being too jacked, basically. Oh, yeah. And replaced me with Mark Paul Gosselaar. Fucking insane, dude. They did wrong. Yeah, okay. They did wrong. Okay, Adam. Yeah, so that's who, Adam. Yeah.

I'm glad you asked. Very cool. Adam is losing it. You would be Zack Morris? Or Ansel Elcourt. But he would die young. Wait, who's the guy who was eating people and shit? Armie Hammer. You would be Armie Hammer. Allegedly. He wasn't eating people. He wanted to. He was talking about it. By the way, very funny.

Allegedly. I want to eat people. That's funny. So both of you guys did your Game Over Man one? Yeah, I feel like mine would be Lena Dunham. Lena Dunham. Not bad. Bro, that is actually perfect casting. She can do it. Like Lena Dunham, how I am right now, you know. She can do it. Yeah.

Little dumpy. Lena Dunham with the mustache. Yes, points. I like that, dude. I would watch that movie. I would watch the fuck out of that movie. So what's your go-to hangover remedy? Hurt you, Christina. And how would you describe your butthole with a novel title? Butthole. And Kyle asked that one. A novel title? Like a book? We don't know books. Like The Andromeda Strain?

You want points? Yes, points! Because when you poop, you strain. My butthole would be the busy world of Richard Scarry. My man's got a two-year-old. Dark crystal. Damn, son. Mine would be Hatchet by Gary Paulsen. My butthole would be the Green Mile. Oh my god. I guess that's a butthole.

That's a novella. Yes, points. That's points. So do any of us have a hangover remedy besides more alcohol? I remember what it was when I used to drink. Just fucking smoke weed. Yeah. You wake up and you fucking start smoking weed and you're good to go for the rest of the day. Mine is... I like to ride a bicycle through rich neighborhoods.

Mine is Panda Express. I'm telling you right now. Yeah, you need a quick 8,000 calories in the morning when you wake up. I need just a boost of sodium. Wait, sorry. Panda Express is what you named your butthole? Panda Express is my butthole and my hangover cure. Got it.

So, Bri Wolfbane wants to know. Whoa, cool name. Wolfbane? Hey, this is his real name. No one would write a fake name on here. So, his name is Bri Wolfbane. And he goes, were you guys able to do every bit and joke? Or was there something the studio said? By the way, misspelled said. Like S-E-D? S-A-I-N. What? Sure, okay. Well, that's got to be a capital D. Okay.

No, that's sane. I'm sane. Or did the studio say something like... Did they say something like... No. How would you describe your butthole with a novel title? I swear to God, it says... It says it. It says the same shit. And then it says fuck Viacom. Okay, very cool. So if you guys want to say fuck Viacom, that's totally cool.

Paramount Plus. Yeah. Hell yeah. It's an angsty night tonight. Very angsty. What was the first part? Yeah, so were you skipping that one? Yeah, were you guys able to do every bit or joke? Yeah, eventually. Yeah, I would say for the most part we wore them down for material. Yeah. Adam had that

one bit about... I'm just kidding. I was going to say something bad. The one we really fought for was when we did the unburnable American flags. And at first they were like, we can't do that. And then we're like, what if our characters were on a bunch of coke when they did it? And they're like, okay, that's all right. Good to go. Well, I feel like they didn't want us to do the bit where Kyle wanted to cut his dick off. Because, you know, trans issues and stuff. And they were like,

well, we can't do this because of transition. We don't want to offend anyone. And we're like, but Kyle... The character, Carl. Carl, the character, hates his dick because it's caused all the problems in his life. And then we're like, all right. And we said, it's kind of offensive that you're equating this to transitioning, to be honest. And the call was very quiet. And they were like...

Yeah, okay, you can do it. See ya. Yeah, we got all jokes through. So Sandra Balder wants to know, what was your favorite episode of the show to make, and does Durr's dad really have a legit bestie?

Meaning, like, does Durza's father have a huge cock? I can't answer that one. Yeah, I can say I've never seen Durza's cock. His dad's. Hey, hey, cool. Way to clear the air on that one. Because I always wake up in the morning and I'm like, has Blake seen daddy's dick?

I like that I got so defensive. Like, I've never seen Durs's cock. I didn't even say dad. I've never seen Durs's cock. I've seen Durs's cock. Trust me. Have you? Yeah. When? Don't worry about it. I'm not telling. No, I actually walked in on him as he was standing up from the toilet. And he goes like, and the dick goes like. And I was like, nice dick.

Sick dick, bro. Where? 69, dudes! We were in some hotel room somewhere and I came in the bathroom and you stood up from the toilet and I saw your dick go...

And I was like, sick dick, dude. Hot, hot, hot, hot. Do not come. And the door was open and I was sitting. No, you were sitting on the toilet. You must have been shitting. And you did not lock the door and I walked in the bathroom right as you were standing up and it was, for me, perfect timing. And it was the perfect timing. Me coming through and you at the exact same time. Yeah.

You want to hear something crazy? I was sitting there mashing it like a fucking stress ball. And I was like, as soon as the door opens... Waiting for that knob to jiggle. I like that you said... The thing that you're like... You said, sick cock, like it was like a 90s movie and it's like the guitar was like...

Sick cock! Your favorite decade. Sick cock, bro. Yeah, it's not like legendary, but yeah, it's a... It's a sick cock. Wait, your cock or your dad's? Thor's hammer. Yeah, your dad's cock rocked. So what was your favorite episode of the show to make?

To make. To make. To make. What was the one where we were in the go-karts all day? Oh, that was the time chair. Time chair, yeah. When you guys... Yeah, we just rode around in go-karts all day. It was fucking cool. That was the best day at work.

Well, I don't know. That was pretty great. Yeah, that was awesome. We were crushing that day. I feel for me, it's all the first maybe season or two of the show were like my favorite and even my most favorite to make because everything was so new. It was all so exciting still. Yeah, it was very new. You know, like when we did...

The office camp out when we did the mushroom. That episode for me, it was like so fun because it was like the second or third episode in of us shooting. Right. And it was so fun for us to do still. Right. I mean, it still is very fun, but it's like when it's new, it's exciting and it's cool. Yeah. And we're still fighting for every joke and being like. Office camp out. Maybe we should sleep on set and actually do a camp out here. That would be fun. Yeah.

Yeah, being shirtless on a roof at night with my friends. Yeah, it felt good. Dream come true. Thank you guys for allowing us to have that show because without people watching it, they would not have allowed it. So we really thank you. So Sylvia O wants to know, what's your favorite go-to karaoke song? And can you sing a little? Smiley face. The one that I sing when I go to karaoke is... Sing it. Stand up and sing it.

Water trash.

I don't have the words on the screen and I know it's karaoke. It's fucked up. I don't remember nothing. Shut the fuck up! That's very good. Blake? I sing. Get up. Get on up. Get up. Get on up. Stay on the scene. Get on up. Like a sex machine. Get on up. Get on up. Get on up.

Get on up. Stay on the scene. Get on up. Get on up. Very good. By the way, like, James Brown stood. But the guys saying, get on up every time for the whole song. You got to give credit where credit's due. Should have got paid a little more because they're carrying that song. For me, any Alanis. Go ahead. Come on, Durz. Come on, Durz.

Give us some, Darius. No, I'm kidding. I guess, you know what? The one I do like to throw on is... Stand up. Stand up, do it. Ugh!

We don't need another hero. Yeah. That's all I know. Yeah. Also me too. You guys say karaoke. I need the words. The words. Mine is Pitch Perfect. Yes. And it is. And I've done it before. But I love. Dude. Because that karaoke. The fucking place goes off. Dude. It's. Please just stop the music. Bop. Bop. Bop. Bop. Bop.

Check me out. It's getting late. I'll make my way over to my favorite place. I gotta get my body moving, shaking. A simple remedy. Something like that. Please don't stop the music. God damn, that gets my dick hard.

Any 30 seconds to Mars works for me too. Oh, stop it. Yeah, dude. Bury me, bury me! Yes, points! Right? Isn't that a thing? You did it. So Liz Atterbury wants to know, what is your favorite mail-order comedy sketch? Also, misspelled sketch. If I have more to ask, I have more to ask. Also, Kyle, are we brothers?

I don't know. Liz, you're not his brother. What is your favorite mail-order comedy sketch? These two-parters. Kyle, this guy's wondering if you're his brother. What's up? Oh, yeah. Your name isn't Liz, is it? Why is your... Your name is Liz? Okay. But you... But Liz...

I feel like she's saying that's her brother. And then you wrote the rest of this. Okay. Bro, hey, you know what? I don't know. Maybe we are, dude. I don't know. I see it. I see it. But what is your favorite? I got family in Kansas. I don't know. What is your favorite mail order comedy sketch? Probably, I really like Fortune Cookie. Do you guys remember that one? Yeah. Does anybody know that one? It's...

Very deep cut. Oh, we were just talking about crossbows and mustaches on the way in. My wife says, when we first started a date, she was like, I guess I got to beef up on your fucking comedy because everyone screams shit at you when we're out at restaurants and bars, and I have no idea what anyone's talking about. This sounds just like her, too. Yeah, so she was like, I got to beef up on some of this shit.

And then she watched all of our male-led comedy videos, and then she watched Crossbows and Mustaches and was like, that is the funniest thing you've ever done and maybe the funniest thing you ever will do. I think my favorite skit, we did one called... Marry me, marry me! We did one called Sierra Nevada Sausage Fest, and it was all about bringing an IPA to a party where it's just all dudes, and it's just like...

A sausage fest. So that was my favorite. That's a great sketch. We also have a thematic video that was one of my favorites. Oh, that's a goodie. That was the guy that sang all the theme songs from the 90s. From TGIF. Yeah, like Step by Step and Family Matters. Whatever happened to predictability? The milkman, the paperboy, the evening TV. And then step by step.

Day by day by day. So the idea was the guy sang all those songs, including Denver the Last Dinosaur, and then he started doing a lot of cocaine. Yeah. And then he got into heroin, and then he died in the booth. Yes. His last word was like... It's worth checking out. That's a good sketch. Michael and Maddie go, Anders, do you also have a sexy mustache by your penis? Woo-hoo!

Like how that was the moment for the punchline and you took it Again the moment for the punchline but no to answer your question I don't sorry yeah pretty regular and I'm really his cock regular regular and I've never ever

Come here. Get over here. Mike Hunt. It says there. Mike Hunt. A.K.A. Micah Orlando. He did A.K.A.? A.K.A. We're good on your real name, bud. Your real name is Mike Hunt. We know that. So if fame didn't work out, dude, I like that he thought we were after fame. We're like, we're going to become...

sketch comedy creators for fame. If fame didn't work out, where did you think your life would be right now? Homeless. For sure, I would be on a bus stop. My face on a bus stop trying to sell some bad real estate being like,

Right. Yeah. And an accident lawyer. And an accident lawyer. Yeah, for sure. I'd be accident-sensitive. That's still kind of fame. Again, we touched on this the other week where they were like, hey, if you guys weren't famous actors, what would you be? And Adam was like, probably like the star of a reality show. And so he went from, if you weren't famous, what would you be? I'd be on every bus stop you see. Anyway. I...

I think I would be a manager at a Whataburger. A Whataburger? At a Whataburger. Pandering. Pandering. Did they have that in Concord? No, I would move to Dallas and I'd be a manager at Whataburger. There we go. No, you wouldn't. You're lying. Son of Dallas. Yes, I would. Pandering.

You might franchise one up to Concord. I would be coaching all your children in swimming. There you go. There you go. Yes, points! I'd be hyped on that. I wish you would still do that. What's the fast... Hang on, don't say it. Is Kingwood around here? Or is that near Austin? I'm just shouting out fast swim schools that I know, right? They got a pretty good squad. Texas can swim. Who else is fast? No one knows who's fucking fast at swimming. Hey, actually, just give me ten minutes here.

No one knows who the fuck is fast at swimming. That's such a niche thing you do. Who cares? Zach Thomas wants to know, what is the origin of the poop dollar? Go ahead, buddy. I think that is my buddy Goons, Kyle Walsh. He used to do that at his college in Lincoln, Nebraska. And...

Adam's drunk. University of Nebraska, totally. Words, words, words, words, words. University of Nebraska, and they did it outside of their fraternity, and I always thought it was a funny thing. And then in the first episode of Workaholics, we worked it in. Yep. There it is. Pizza, pizza. That's just wild to me that it was something that was real. I could not believe that. Pretty gross. Yeah.

Mischievous. You good, Adam? So, Emily. Adam just remembered he slammed that Red Bull vodka. Oh, yeah. Well, no, I had to skip a few because it was just like, Ders, show me your asshole. So, Emily. I just want to party. Be so for real, Emily says. Was that your dick and balls in Game Over Man? Yeah, that's my dick. I would have...

Would have put such a cooler bigger dick and balls right if it wasn't my dick and right yeah We were we were about to prep a prosthetic if in case you didn't want to do it I was prepping a prosthetic. I had to prep a prosthetic in order to do that I'll prep it so in game over man I showed my dick and balls and also my wife has paused it my asshole and Gooch right there and

You were like ready the day of. You're like, we have a prosthetic. We can do it. But I was like, my dick would be bigger then because it would have to go over my dick. And then I'm like, well, then I don't want people to be like, oh, he's strapped on this huge fucking cock. Yeah, it was...

You'd have to go from 10 inches to 12 inches and that's where it gets into a weird wishy-washy territory. You made the right choice there, brother. So Nathaniel Johnson wants to know, what is more important in life? Relationship

Or principal. That's just important. Relationship or principal? Yeah, I don't know what the fuck this guy's talking about. We need to help this guy because this guy is obviously on the edge of divorcing his wife. How about this happening with my boy? It's cheaper to keep her, all right, bro? I love that. I like that we didn't even throw any buzz balls out. We're getting questions like that. Jesus. Jesus.

And we wish we could. We wish we could. Home of fuzzball. Wish we could. All right. So Lucas Fabra wants to know which one of you could fit a whole fist in your ass. I could. I could. Oh, there's absolutely no way that's happening over here. A fist in your ass, dude? No way. The question is which one of you could fit a fist in your asshole? Who the fuck wrote that, dude? Lucas Fabra.

Right there, right up front. I feel like... Whoa, this normal-looking dude was like, hey, what up? Why? This boy's a freak. Why? I could. Yeah. Here's my question.

And, you know, this is what I love about this tour, is that we really get to challenge our minds, our imaginations. When you hear, like, fist, you think, like, this. But really, you can do the whole little, like, Chris Rock hand. Yeah, the tiny... You know, the Chris Rock fingers together insertion. And

And, uh, so I probably still couldn't do it. Yeah, there's no fucking way. I for sure could. I, I see, you know, because you see like... Let's start with this bottle. You see, I mean, I could totally. I'm not going to in front of you guys. What are you, Jared Leto? I truly think my asshole could just swallow this whole table, dude. If I... Right. You know how to dilate it? Bro?

I really think it could. And is that because it's already that big or you know how to like relax it? I can relax so much and swallow things whole. I know that I could do that. Right. I've never, hey, by the way, I've never done that. When Adam's hands are full, he picks up things around the house like this. Yeah. It was empty.

That's exactly right. It was empty. Any take backs, any apologies, any epic slams? Yeah, I'm sorry we talked about my dad's dick. I'm sorry I sweated so much. Here we go. I definitely want to take back that thing where I imitated my mom masturbating and naming me. That was fucked up and I'm sorry mama. I liked it. Yeah, I bet you did.

I mean, I just, I'd like to, no, I got no take backs. I got nothing. What about the whole beginning of the show where you were having a heart attack? I was going to take that back, but I feel like that only made me stronger because I now know that I'm like. It made you stronger? Let's see those muscles. No, I mean like emotionally because there was a moment where I almost had a panic attack where I wasn't strong.

I wasn't stopping sweating, but now I've made it through and I'm stronger now. So what's up? I think you did a great job. And then they also read your back, which is pretty fun. Yeah. You know, I think the audience wants me to take back me talking about that guy shooting innocent protesters. But guess what? I won't. Panama!

Standing by that. And I will take back chugging my Red Bull vodka because it did slow down my speech a little bit. A little bit. You're a fucking disaster, my guy. Yeah, a little bit. Okay, fair enough. I'll apologize on behalf of us that we cannot give you guys buzz balls tonight. That's a big apology. And buzz balls are from Dallas. It's literally the house...

That buzz ball is built. Have you guys been to the factory? Do they give tours? Do they have buzz ball tours? No tours. And by the way, it's women owned. It's the best company. Wow. So women make that poison. Very cool. Very good. I do like these women have balls. I like it. I like it. Do we have any ridiculously outlandish giveaways? Yeah. I feel like we got more fucking t-shirts. We got t-shirts. Give me more.

Four t-shirts. Yo, right here. Yeah, you got it. You got it. That's for you. That's awesome. He's knocking it. Oh, there's one down here, baby. Wow. Oh, yeah, dude. There we go. There's some more down here, you guys. That almost made me fart.

right down the pipe thank you so much alice we had such a great time we really appreciate you guys coming here for this we love you we love our fans and this is another episode of this is important

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