Ep 167: Live from Seattle: Woody, Chucky, Pikachu & An Oompa Loompa All Walk Into a Bar 01:32:30

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Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. Welcome to This is Important, a production of iHeartRadio, the show where we only talk about what's obviously most crucially integral to the fabric of our very nature. Today we talk about... My dick's a little bit of an explorer. He wants to, like, see what's going on. I'm too fat for this, and it barely fits, so I couldn't wear clothes under it. You would take it all the way up into the insertion?

I was really trying to make it in his mouth. Here we go. Start your engines. Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring. Seattle. A lot of hot, hot heat. Thank you, guys. Oh, my God. All right. Hey, Willy Wonka and the Buzzball Factory. You know what I mean? Yes, boys. Blinch.

Early or s town do a lot of people call it s town. Maybe we share tonight Maybe we started here tonight start something new something different That's fucking for Waco

And what sucks about that right there is I wish Kevin Futterline was from Seattle. That would only make it better. Well, he's kind of a citizen of the world, you know? I feel like we can all claim him. Yeah, I feel that's true. Yeah, he's all of ours. Dude. And who is more talented, Macklemore or Kevin Futterline? Okay. Macklemore!

I think it's a tie. I think it's... What up, I got a big cock. Now, do you guys claim Macklemore, right? Yeah, sort of. Yeah. Because to me, he's the greatest musical artist to ever come out of Seattle. Yeah. Yeah! And that's just what I think. You guys agree. It sounds like they agree. Right.

Well, I mean, who else is there, dude? Yeah, who else? I think that's it. It goes Macklemore and then Sir Mix-a-Lot. Sir Mix-a-Lot, there we go. Sir Mix-a-Lot is from Seattle. That's a close number two. I think that's it. Whoa, I didn't know that. And then I've never heard of any other band or group. Yeah, that's it. Yeah. Yeah, that's kind of the drop-off of our musical knowledge. I'm sure they're not shocked by that. Yeah, I'm...

It's definitely, it starts with Macklemore, then Sir Mix-a-Lot, and then... Right, so like before Macklemore, was Seattle like a small, charming fishing community? And then you guys started popping tags, next thing you know, you're C-Town! And then, yeah, and then Macklemore goes into a thrift shop.

We'll write some tags. And the rest is history. And the rest is history. And look, we know what we're talking about. We just went on Wikipedia back there. Yep. So we know what's going on here. And we haven't even began to kiss upon Ryan Lewis. Oh, yeah. Well, right. Number two. And do you want to explain a little bit more about who that would be? Yeah. Explain exactly who Ryan Lewis is for the fucking idiots out there who aren't fully up to date on exactly who Ryan Lewis is. Because I know who he is. Um...

Well, what I know about him is his first and last name. Yeah. Okay. That's a lot, dude. Two first names. Two first names. Yeah. Which I immediately don't like.

Right. It's a little confusing. And what's the middle name? What I like is a name that you've never really heard of and just make it one name. Macklemore. Macklemore. Macklemore, baby. And so people say Macklemore. People also say Macklemore. Okay. Yeah, but this is... That's why some people call me Adam. Some people call me Kylie.

They do. I've actually heard that quite a bit. Yeah. Starbucks, it happens constantly. Everyone always gets my name right. Oh, yeah. Durs never gets his name wrong. Starbucks is from here. Oh, Starbucks. Wow. Oh, shit. All right. So let's get into it. What's with the perverted ass mermaid, right? Oh, honestly. Yeah, her legs are fucking spread like that. What the fuck? Is that real, dude? I guess I never noticed. It's real. I always wondered why I was...

every time I walked into a Starbucks. It was originally called Narfucks. Okay, wait a minute. They were like, we can't do that. He doesn't deserve it. I was about to give Derns the first points here, didn't I? All right, I guess he earned it. Does it deserve points, everybody? Really? I guess so. Yes, points! Easy. Easy.

First points to the pod. Gnar fucks. Good one, dude. So, wait, the mermaid, what is the story behind? Do we even know that, or we're just saying that the mermaid is very sexual? No, the woman with the hair, right? The woman with the hair that's on the Starbucks, right? So, if you're a woman with hair, we know you're a fucking mermaid, okay? Wait, Kyle, the only thing, the Starbucks emblem, dude. Yeah, yeah, isn't it a woman with hair? It's a woman...

What, am I tripping on? Yes. And she's got a fucking tail with, like, fins and shit. Yes, but she's also trying... Maybe I'm not the one to take the lead on this one. Yeah. It's a woman with hair holding her two tails trying to... Well, by the way, I think you don't need to mention the hair. Well, isn't it like... I feel like the hair isn't the main seller of who this person is.

Yeah, it's the fish pussy. Yeah! That's right. Yes, points! I feel like we lead with that. We don't have to mention that she has hair. I'm so sorry. By the way, this guy, if anybody gets his email, his passwords for everything is for sure fish pussy. Yeah.

Sometimes it's F1SH, but it's always some form of fish pussy. Right, one, two, three. Yeah, sometimes the S's are dollar signs, but... Right. Yeah, when you go to the bank and you have to give them your password, and it's like, okay, and what is your password? Fish pussy? And is there a numerical code? 69, 69, 420. 69, 69, 420.

It's pussy with two dollar signs. I feel like that's pretty common, though. She's like, fish pussy isn't working. And he's like, ah, yeah, the S's are dollar signs. How'd I forget that part? And that worked. We're in. We are in. We are in, and you have negative $300. Holy fish pussy.

I do feel like that's a good thing to say when you're mad or you're like, wow. Just be like, holy fish pussy. Holy fish pussy. Did you guys see the new Indiana Jones? They made him look young. I was like, holy fish pussy. Harrison Ford's a young guy again. I feel like that works. It does, but it leads me to ask,

Do fish actually have pussies? Blake, come on. Bend over and I'll show you. Okay. Is a dolphin a fish or a dolphin's a mammal? A dolphin is a mammal. Okay, because I know that people fuck dolphins. What? No. What do you mean? Dolphins try to fuck people. Hang on. Hang on. You know this? I know this.

It's science. I'm nervous. Yeah, I can see he's got a nervous tick. Yeah. Well, because you grew up near the ocean your entire life. Yeah. So what happened? No, you could... Because dolphins, I think they're one of the only mammals... Have you fucked a dolphin? Let's not get into that right now, okay? Now might not be the time. Um...

No, I haven't. I haven't. Free Carl. Put Carl back in jail. He's a fucking sicko. Yeah, bestiality charge. I feel like if Carl is caught fucking dolphins, he deserves some prison time. Yeah, that's true. What up? I got a big cock. I don't know. What up? I got a big cock. So that's like the first line of that song. He's talking about going to a thrift store and he's like, by the way.

Yes. I got a big cock. Yes. We were listening to it in the car. The first, it's like, I walk into the club, yo, what up? I got a big cock. Oh, so he's not saying he has a big cock. He's saying that the fashion with which he enters the club is as if he had a big cock. Yes. Okay. Because earlier, I thought you guys were saying he said he had a big cock, and I was like, that's interesting. I would love for other rappers to be like, yeah, let's compare. Yeah.

Let's see what we're working with here. Mac Dre is like, whip it out. Yeah, let's see it. Young Jeezy's like, I'd love to see it. I would like more rappers to be truthful in that way. Like, yeah, you know. Right. My dick is like, it has big dick energy. Yeah. Right. I carry myself as a man that has a large dick. Yeah. But I...

as Suge Knight. Right.

Pretty medium size for my size. Or even just like to embrace like a different aspect where it's like, yo, like super veiny over here. If he's just like, like, like, yo, you is super bumpy with the bands with it. Speaking of, I walk into the club, like, what up? I got a cock. I got a vein. Like, like, what up? That would be our lyric. What up? I do have one. I walk into the club, like, I identify as male. Yeah. Right. Right. Yeah.

Which is already a lot. Like, we know how guys enter clubs. We're like, who are my guys there? Hey, just do a quick stand-up. I'd love to see your fit right now. Speaking of cocks. Oh, you put them on blast? You put them on blast. This thing sucks! I definitely had to, like, pick sides with this thing. So our manager, Isaac, went out and got us. We were like...

We were like, for sure it's the Halloween show. Halloween is right around the corner. The whole audience is going to be dressed up. Yeah? Yeah, what happened? We got like 11 people out there, and thank you for that. Oh, look, there's buzz balls up there, like actual buzz balls. Yeah, we got 11 of you guys, and we really appreciate it. Thank you. That person is illuminating. I don't know what that is other than... Looks like Jar Jar Binks or something. Are you Jar Jar Binks? Whoa.

No. No, that's just his face. For sure, there's going to be 3,000 people all decked out. We don't want to look like assholes. Right. Yeah, but I feel like an asshole, an overheating asshole. Speaking of assholes, why don't I stand up again and just... I just want to party. Holy shit. Yo. Is it sweaty? Is it sweaty yet? No, it looks... I feel like I'm... It looks real good. Yeah, honestly, like...

Guys, this isn't funny. That ass was fucking hot. Yeah, dude. I never even thought you were in real contention for best ass. You guys, stop. No, I feel like we are settling it right here in Seattle. It's Haunders. You guys, stop it. I feel like...

If you're the Chucky doll that comes to life in some chick's bedroom, she'll be like, hey, I'm cool. Yeah. Right. Chuck meets. Yeah, stab me with that dick knife. That would be a weird turn in the movie if Chucky's like, hey, you fucking babysitter bitch, I'm going to slit your throat. And she's like, you got veins on that dick? Yeah. You got a cock? And he's like, fucking. And we know chicks. What? What are you? Huh? Huh?

Nucky Grandma! I'm trying to fuck. And he's like, this is awesome. What's really cool about your Chucky costume, aside from your ass, is just... Yeah, dude, it's banging right now. Is that you have the most fucking Karen haircut I've ever seen. It's so static. It feels like it's... Where's Trey, Toby, and Damien? What?

It's so static. It's really dope. You look good in it. We're late. We got to go. You know. We were supposed to be there like yesterday. What's cool is like growing up in Omaha, Nebraska. Yeah. Okay. Hell yeah. We out here. Who cares? Whoa. Low down. Well, growing up in the Midwest, every mom in existence had that exact haircut. Yup. Yeah.

Nice. It was sad when girls that I knew in high school... Did this happen to your high school? Oh, boy. Where they got to be about 30 years old and they just...

morphed into that real quick. Yeah, I feel like it's a meeting. Like, you go to your mother and you go, I'm going to join the mom cult. Yes, right. She hands you a live, laugh, love wooden sign. And a blow dryer. She's like, welcome to the club. She puts like a chicken in your kitchen. Like a kichi. It feels like there's no comb involved. It's just blow drying.

Yeah, I mean, this came out of the bag. Oh, right. Oh, that's not your hair. Oh, okay. Wait, so is the John and Kate plus eight, like, is she the one who made the, like, real whirlwind with the bangs popular? Right? That's her? I don't know if she made it popular, but she was, she rode that wave. Well, I'm saying, like, it existed, but then she was, like, the poster child, poster mom of it. Yeah, I think so. It's pretty sick, the haircut. It's a choice, dude.

What do you mean, like, pretty sick? Like, you're automatically fun.

See, that's why I totally disagree. You're automatically the one that you go, if she's in your crew, you're the one to go like, hey, go find out why the food is taking so long. No, no, no, no, no. Like, you have to be the one to go up. Because you're just good at it. I don't know, man. You're good at it. I feel like anybody who's got that haircut has a past that all the girlfriends know about. Oh, it is.

Absolutely. You know what I'm saying? They think that this is masking it, but really it just tells the tale. Yeah. Right. It's like, damn. The rat tale. The freaky tales. This with the rat tale?

That'd be kind of hard. I'm feeling it. Blake, your eyebrows are looking good, dude. Oh, I thought you were about to say they're melting. No, no, they're staying on. They're doing good. Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot. Yeah, this is, here you go. I got that one. Hot, hot, hot, hot. Oh, you know what you can play from Willy Wonka? What? That I didn't even know was from Willy Wonka. What's from Willy Wonka? Macklemore? Until I saw a clip or maybe I watched with my kids. Do I just have to do it? What is it? Yeah. We don't know what you're talking about. Yeah.

You lose! Oh, that's fucking the guy. I thought that was from any given Sunday. That is Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka. It's at the very end when Charlie comes in and he's like... He fucked up and he was in the tube and he messed everything up. They have to go through and they have to clean it. He's kind of like, I had a really good time, Willy, or whatever. He's like, you didn't have a good time!

Yeah, that was a trippy part, dude. Very scary. This whole thing was a trick. There's a lot of things about that movie that are fucked up, but the worst part is that literally everybody in the film is so ugly.

Dude, everyone in that movie is ugly as fuck. What's weird is they couldn't even find a good-looking Charlie. No, Charlie's a goofy-looking bro. He's got snaggletooth. I feel like the grandpa... I just want a golden ticket. I feel like the excited grandpa was probably a handsome devil. Uncle Joe? Grandpa Joe? Grandpa Joe was fucking muttly, dude. And he was like...

Mudley. What the fuck was that set up? They were like a leprechaun colony in the middle of the room? A leprechaun? A leprechaun colony. Oh, I thought you said a leprechaun colony. I also heard leprechaun. I think he said leprechaun colony. Yeah, he said leprechaun. Dude, you said leprechaun colony, you fucking moron. What do you think, man? You are so dumb. You lose.

You lose. How many airdrops? It's like four old people all just with their legs touching. Feet to feet. They're just in the center of the living room. They can't move. They didn't even put the bedroom off to the side. Literally two seconds later, they're like, Grandpa Joe, you can go to the factory. And he's like, all right, I'm out of here. I got a golden ticket. I got a golden ticket.

Yeah. Well, that made you go like, Grandpa Joe's a fucking grifter, dude. He's faking everything. I don't trust him at all. Well, that's the movie. I want the Grandpa Joe spinoff. We couldn't make the Workaholics movie, so we're going to make the Grandpa Joe spinoff. Yeah. I'll kiss now. That's what Paramount Plus buys. It's just like...

- Sure, if you want to chant it, go ahead. - Yeah, fuck bare mouth plus. - One, two, three. - Fuck bare mouth plus! - One, two, three. - Fuck bare mouth plus! - All right, I like it. - You're a fucking disaster, my guy. - Yeah.

Right.

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Every day, we are driven to get the facts, find the sources, listen to the voices, and tell the stories that illuminate what matters. Democracy dies in darkness. That's where we come in. The Washington Post. Switch on. Subscribe today at WashingtonPost.com slash iHeart. Adam, you're the sheriff, brother.

Looking good. There's a snake in my boots. Well, that's cool. I have this, and I'm surprised you guys weren't screaming from the rafters about how dope my new facial hair is. There they are. They're up there screaming now. Yeah. Are you guys screaming from the rafters? I'm surprised you're all not losing your fucking minds up there in the balcony. Yeah, look at them. They are. They're loving it. About how sick my facial hair is. That could...

It could be because from the balcony you cannot see your mustache. Or they can see part of it. Well, it's weirdly it came in like blonde, blonde. Yeah, dude. Does the carpet match your blonde mustache? Oh, yeah. And the carpet means my pubes? No, they're very dark. Your butt hair.

Wildly dark, of course. Good to know. But no, I have this sick mustache now, and we just went out to dinner. Matt's in the market, which is a sick place. Okay. We just went out to dinner there. We ran into some fellow wizards. Yeah, we did. Yes, we did. Yeah, where's our Matt wizards? We did. And under the light, we were sitting at the bar, and under the light, they go, holy shit. And I'm like, what's that? And they go, you have a Hitler mustache. Yeah.

Because just right here is slightly darker. Which I'm like, am I the guy to bring it back?

I mean, you just have to call it a chaplain's desk. I mean, Jordan tried. MJ tried in the Hanes commercials, but he had it up top and bottom. Oh. And everyone was like, what is he doing? And I'm like, if anybody can bring it back, it's the most famous person in the world rebranding it. Or you. Or like the 800,000th most famous person in the world. A guy that people in the airports go,

No, that's not him. Right, right. Honey, look. No, he's not that fat. Look, honey, look. Look. Look. Look. You see? Look. Wow. No, it's not him. Fuck it. No, it's not him. Look. Look. Look. Right there. Look. Oh, my God. Look. Who? That's Sean Astin. He looks horrible for his age. He aged poorly. My God. And Sean Astin's like 55 years old. Yeah.

How old is Sean Astin? I think I just said it. Sean Astin is 55? I don't know. Is he 55? Hey, that's a number. I feel like he's younger than that. I feel like my guess would be 46. He's 52? Yeah, I told you he's 52. That's cool. And did you look it up or are you just screaming numbers?

Apple Watch, okay. Oh yeah, he's right. It is 52. I was pretty close. So did that happen like as soon as we said Sean Astin, all his info went onto your watch automatically? Yeah, did we just have to say... When he held up his arm, I thought he was like, my tattoos are all Sean Astin. Yeah, dude, I'm a super fan. This is the Goonies arm. This is the Encino Man arm.

This is my Stranger Things Season 2 calf. This is my Rudy back piece. I got my Rudy back piece. Actually, here's my Lord of the Rings butthole ring. Okay. Okay. Wait a minute. I want to get that stuff. Thank you.

The more we talk about it, that would be like a sick... If someone's going to get a tattoo of just one actor, I mean, he's fucking legendary, dude. Yeah, sure. That would be cool. Yeah, if you had to get one of just one actor...

Yeah. If you commit fully, you know how people commit? Like, we've had people that have, like, our faces tattooed on them. Yeah. And they for sure regret it, but they're like, no, it's cool. Yeah. And you guys weren't able to make the movie? You're not going to be able to do that? They got Paramount Plus across their fucking backside. They're like, yeah. P Plus? That's a good one. Yeah.

But then they're like, I call my asshole Paramount Plus, so fuck Paramount Plus. Yes, points! A little bit of a walk. I like that. That's pretty hot, dude. If some dude said that to me, I'd be hyped. Hey, I call my asshole Paramount Plus.

And I don't know if you heard the Workaholics movie got canceled, so my new mantra is fuck Paramount+. And this is just a guy that is at the bar? No, this is me. This is Durz. Yeah, this is Durz. This is me to Blake. So you're talking to Blake and you want him to fuck your asshole? Adam, this isn't a scenario. This is happening in real time. Help me.

He's trying to fuck me right now. Who wants to see us fuck? That's so funny. They're like, dude. Until it happens, and you're guys like, what the fuck? Yeah, what if it goes too far? Honestly, when would it start to get weird? The insertion point? Yeah. You would take it all the way up into the insertion? I think what would happen is they get naked, a big pop. Yeah.

The audience goes wild. They're like, oh my god! Not exactly what we had imagined. Neither of them shaved. Different, warier, strange colors. But also very funny. Funny dicks. I do love the idea that we truly go for it. We're like, yeah, fuck it! And I just can't get it up. And I'm like, hang on. In front of thousands of people like...

This never happens. Hang on. And Blake's like... You good? We still doing this? I might need another buzz ball. Hey, you guys with your friends do long scenarios about how your friends fuck each other, right?

That's a normal, relatable thing. Yeah, of course. I like this podcast because it's fun to do because you get to see what the Workaholics writer's room was, which was just this. I'm going to come. This for nine hours and then one hour of work. Yeah, and like Nerf football and dart guns. Yeah, lots of that.

Lots of football. What else? Lots of string cheese. What else? Do you guys still eat string cheese? Is that on the menu? I do. I do. All right. Yeah, of course. That was a huge pop. I didn't expect that. Right. Are we Mootown Snackers, people? Yeah, what kind of string cheese are we fucking with? I think...

Tillamook? First of all, I did not see it going this way, that we're just going to name snacks. Dude, we're trying to get sponsors. You know what I mean? I do still eat string cheese. I like it. But I think I graduated to the little cheeses with the wax around it. You know what I mean? Yo. You know what I'm talking about?

Baby Belle. The circle cheeses. Do I do that? I love those. I fucking love those, dude. Yeah, those are off the chain. I don't really fuck with string cheese in that way. My thing is almond butter. Oh, you just go ham on some almond butter? Dude, I eat so many Justin's packets. Yeah, hey, for me, dude, tacos. Pizza, pizza.

Bro, for me, chips and salsa. Dude, there's no doubt about it. I go fucking crazy on chips and salsa. Blazer, you eat? I like candy. Oh. Nice, dude. What is almond butter's purpose? Because it's delicious. What do you mean? Is it like peanut butter but almond? Well, yeah. It's instead of peanuts. What do you mean? It's right in the title.

Almond butter. Well... Sure, but like... What do you mean? Instead of the peanut, it's an almond. Yeah, but what do you mean, what's its purpose? Did you ask, that was your original question? You put that on the sandwich? Yeah. Do you dip stuff in it? Oh, what's its use? Oh, I'm sorry, I want to know my friend better. Yeah, what the fuck, Kyle? I'm sorry, I want to know what makes him fucking tick. The purpose of almond butter? Yeah, it's to eat it like peanut butter. Yeah, it's to have a delicious snack midday. And do you...

Dip it or spread it? I'm not dipping. I'm not spreading. I'm just eating almond butter like a fucking adult man. You're hitting the spoons, huh? Do you hit the spoon? No, you dumb fuck. I have a packet of almond butter. Oh.

Adam, you can't assume we all know you have packets that you're like, I don't spread it. I don't eat it. Oh, it's the little like squeeze packets. Okay. Hey, I take it back. I take it back. Those packets annoy them. I have my take back for later. They cut the inside of your. Those packets. No, I have a different critique of those packets. Okay. Jesus Christ. Can we get a spotlight on Kyle real quick for this, please? The almond butter critique. The little Justin's. The little Justin's almond butter critique. Okay. There's a lot of oil in it. No spotlight. Yeah.

No spotlight? No spotlight. No spotlight? There it is. Okay, great. Can we turn all the stage lights except for the spotlight on Kyle? What'd you say? Can we turn off all the lights except for the spotlight on Kyle, please? Is that how you think it works? Wait, you can't just go diarrhea because we're turning the lights off. Yeah.

- Oh, he's peeing, he's peeing. - He knew the lights were coming down, so he was like, "Time to dip." - Okay, well, you know when you open up almond butter out of the fucking tub, there's oil on top of it, right? - Diarrhea! - Thank you. - You have to fucking dig and mix and dig and mix and dig and mix and dig and mix, right? - Yeah. - Okay. The same fucking shit is going on inside the packets

So you can't just fucking rip it open on the corner and then house the almond butter. You have to actually prepare for this bullshit. You have to squeeze it all together, mix it all together, mix it all, squeeze it, knead it.

And then you can rip it, and if you're lucky, it's mixed properly. But odds are, it's not, and you're getting a mouthful of fucking oil, dude. So I hate that shit. What up? Well, why don't you cry about it? Lights back up. Thank you so much. Lights back up. And that was the almond butter minute. That's an almond butter critique.

Damn, dude. That was actually really powerful. Yeah. Thank you. That was worth every moment. Thank you. That was really powerful. Hey, Kyle, will you tell everybody your joke regarding your costume? Yeah, wait. Can we get the spotlight back and get the lights down, please?

It's pretty good. I gotta put these, I gotta put this on. I just wanted you to do it before you forgot. Alright, here it is. So, okay, here it is. Alright, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen. Yo, so for Halloween, I'm a blind Pokemon because I can't peek at you. Yes, blind! Follow me with that spot. Yes, blind!

- Yes, points! - Yes, points! - Yes, points! - Yes, points! - Yes, points! - Yes, points! - Yes, points! - Yes, points! - Yes, points! - Congratulations, dude. That was fucking big time. - Okay, yeah, no, definitely turn the lights back on, please. - On the drive home tonight, everyone's gonna be calling their loved ones being like,

Because you can't peek at you when you fucking stood up. And I shouldn't be driving right now. Yeah, I drank six Limerita Buzzballs. So I shouldn't be driving right now. Hey, did the Buzzball I threw make it to the top deck? It's just a person with no teeth. Allegedly. They sure did, Dirty. Yes, they did. Yeah. Direct hit. Good. Thank God. Hey, thank God.

Thank God. It's a buzz ball. So obviously Macklemore is better than Hendrix. The greatest artist to come out of Seattle. But who are some of the others, Blake? Literally every great rock band from my favorite era, the 90s, dude. The 90s. Well, why do I feel like you're forgetting them because you're not saying them?

Because it's common knowledge. Fucking Nirvana, Adam. Come on, dude. Yeah, bro. He said Nirvana. Yeah, you said Nirvana. Why'd you say Nirvana? You are so dumb. It's neither here, Nirvana. Soundgarden. Yeah. Pearl Jam. Pearl Jam, right. Alice in Chains. That's right. Fuck. So Kyle, when we met...

You used to listen to Alice in Chains pretty hardcore and, uh, like, maybe think about suicide? Oh, yes. Yes. You contemplate a lot of dark stuff when you listen to Alice in Chains. He would edit, like, dark, um,

like very film student-y stuff of like a light that's like going back and forth in front of him. So we were making like comedy videos together. This is when we were like, you know, 20 years old. We were making comedy videos and then we would check in with Kyle to see what he's doing. And then you go into his room and he's editing with stains on the chair from all the jizz that he's... That's true. Dude, it wasn't stains from jizz.

It was jizz and lotion. Yeah, jizz and lotion. Yeah. That's true. Durs Hella called me out on that, and I remember I'd never been so fucking embarrassed. I mean, it was literally just like the cutout of his chair. It was your chair, and then it was just right here. No! No. Do not talk about this. And by the way, we'd all be like, dude, that looks like dried up jizz and lotion. Anyway, I'm just going to sit here and check my email. Like...

I couldn't go get a new fucking chair. What am I going to do, dude? I know, but the fact that we sat in it, I get it. It's very hard to clean that. Also, the chair was like a suede, so what are you supposed to do? Yeah.

The chair was not suede. It was like a fucking office max. Yeah, it was like a tech. It could take water. It had a texture on it that was hard to clean. It did have a texture. Yeah, you remember that. It did have a texture. And not a texture that I added. It was a gorgeous texture. I was going to say. You might have. Beat it, beat it, beat it up. It had crystallized cum. I would buy that. I would buy that. I would buy that. We were making these silly videos, and then we check in with Kyle, and it's just like,

Editing a video of himself screaming at himself in the mirror. Well, I was down in a hole. What's this? Oh, yeah, it was. And I like white shit off the table. Actually, my brother right there shot the shot. Yeah, it's science. And like, yes, he holds my hand through the darkness and like slow motion running through the street.

Yeah, because it's really not... He had a slow-mo camera and we were testing it, so I fucking went dark. You're like, dude, you know what would look really cool on a slow-mo camera? Me crying. Right.

Other kids are doing like Mentos and fucking Diet Coke and you're like, no, I'm going to pour my heart out. Come on. If you guys make me laugh, I also need to dab the other side. I got to be full. Dude, Adam, I have the best idea. You're wearing a Pikachu costume right now in front of 3,000 people. Are you just going to cry yourself to sleep tonight? Cry myself to sleep tonight? Yeah. Well, why don't you cry about it? Yeah, the yin and the yang? Yeah, there will be some sort of serotonin dep...

Can we get the spotlight? There will be some kind of serotonin depletion happening. Kyle, I'm sorry we made you talk for more than 15 seconds. It'll never happen again. I'm so sorry. That's on us. That's on us.

We're still wearing the costumes. I know, and this thing is a fucking sweat box. Should we take them off? We can take them off. I would love to take mine off because my shit is sweaty. You guys. All right, here we go. You're going to be. Wait a minute. Holy cow. Wait a minute. You're going to be very disappointed when you see what's underneath these costumes. Yeah, there's really nothing. All right.

So while they're getting undressed, what do you guys want to talk about? God, dude, I wish we had on other costumes under our costumes. How did you do that? Does anybody want to be Pikachu? Anybody? Oh, you right here. Go ahead. That's you. That's all you right there. Adam, I think mine's better quality. Fucking A, great ass. We'll see. We'll see. Yeah, I see you. I see you. My heart goes out to you. Oh, Adam! God, here, let me help you. What do you need, the boots?

I'm pulling. Hang on. What is it? His asshole says Paramount Plus. Will you unzip me? The fuck? Oh, they're doing their fucking... Oh, boy. Splinter. Oh, boy. How's your back? Your back okay? Kyle's going to go off the stage. I can't. I literally... I don't know how you did that. You know what would have been really cool? If I took this off and there was just diarrhea everywhere. Yeah. I'm like, I got to put it back on. I got to put it back on. Wait, you want this?

This is what you want? Here you go, bro. And take this shit, too! Oh my god. Oh, shit! Yeah! We're fucking here now! Yeah, yeah, fire. Durs, are you gonna... Durs, are you gonna... So, as the story goes, I'm too fat for this, and it barely fits, so I couldn't wear clothes under it.

No, I think the story isn't how fat you are. I think the story is why did mine fit me so perfectly because it was a child's medium. Yeah, maybe that's the story. And the other story is should I keep the eyebrows? Yeah, dude.

Yo, check out my guy here with like... No, no, no. Don't you fucking touch that. Ow, he's hurting me. Shut the fuck up. With like... Call security. This is like the person you're standing and lying behind at the water park and you're just like, oh, God. Oh, fuck.

Just either take it all or unhand me dude. Do you go to water parks a lot? I gotta get my ass to a water park kids and you'll go love to go to a water park My wife and I are expecting a son Fucking

Hitting the vape, doing TikTok dances. It's going to suck. Yeah. It's going to be hacky sacky and shit. That's tight though. You were saying you gave the baby announcement because you want to go on a water slide? That's what I'm most excited for, parenthood, is taking them to all the cool shit that if you just show up as an adult man at the water park just with your fucking inflatable tube just in line. Right.

Ready to bomb the cyclone? If you want, like, pointers, like, when you wear a Speedo, you go so much faster. Faster, like, through the line, everybody's like, just go ahead. Yeah, right, yeah, go, go, go. Oh, you mean it? Sure, all right. You know what? It's fine, go ahead.

Come here. Henry, come here. Just have a Speedo on and this wig and you go right to the front. That's the fast pass. People are jumping off. At any amusement park, you go to Disneyland, fucking Walt's grandkid is like, you know what? Right this way. You're VIP. I do like the idea of, you know the one where you stand like this and the floor moves and you just drop down?

Wait, I think so. Is this a water slide or a ride? A water slide. You stand on the thing, like in the little coffin, and then they like drop the floor. So this is some new shit. I haven't been to a water park since 1995, dude. You gotta go. Good year, good year. But I want to do it in this wig so that like I go and like the wig stays there midair and then like comes after me. I don't know. Wait, do you think that gravity works like a Looney Tunes cartoon where like your hair goes woo-woo-woo-woo? Yeah.

Yeah, that's kind of what I just illustrated. Yeah, but I'm saying you actually believe that. You are so dumb! Yes.

Blake, you just said 1995. Good year, good year. Hey, it was. Name three things you like about 1995. Oh, shit. That is the year that Waterworld opened. He can't do it. Epic slam, dude. Name three songs from a band you like, but it's literally a year. Oh, shit. Just say anything you are so dumb. Think about 95. I got my first one. It was NBA Live

on Super Nintendo. Okay. Okay. NBA Live 95. Okay. Shit, he's got one, dude. He's got things. I didn't see this coming. The other thing is, weirdly, and don't check your fucking Apple Watch, okay? Dude, 95 is when Gushers dropped. Yeah. Yeah.

Is that real? When what dropped? Don't check it! If anything, I don't think it's Gushers, but Shark Bites for sure. Shark Bites feels more like 91, 92. I think so. I think probably the flavor of Gushers dropped. Like the blue Raz Gushers probably dropped in 95. Now was 1995 the first time you saw a nude woman? Fucking...

You're saying it's 95 the... Shark Bites? First time I saw a nude woman? A nude woman. You're assuming I've seen one. You do have two children, so... Hey, that was funny. You never have to see a naked woman to have a baby. Oh, really? I went about it wrong then.

Oops. 95, the first time I saw a naked woman. Doc Hollywood. Excluding my own mother. Yeah. And also... Also, you were like 10 years old by then, so... Yeah. 11. Did you guys subscribe to National Geographic? You're saying like National Geographic? The magazine? Oh, yeah. I remember sneaking into the library and getting that National Geographic just to see some long Amazonian women titties.

Yeah. I mean, like, are they all that long? Those are long. Yeah. I think in 95 there was, like, hustlers. There was a rumor that there were hustlers or porno mags behind the dumpster, and I remember thinking, like, ooh, I want to check those out. Yeah.

But then they weren't there, so I didn't get to check them out. I know why they weren't there. Why? I took the magazine. Oh, that was when you got it. In 1995. Can you imagine being one of the other dumpsters and being so jealous of the dumpster that had the porno mags? Like, what the fuck? Oh, I got fucking Chinese food all over me. This guy's got fucking porno mags. Yeah, just another black woman in there gobbling. The other one just has children jerking off. Yeah. I want to be the cum dumpster. Look at all those kids...

Wow. Yes, points. Wow. Yes, points. It's science. I don't even want to talk now. Hey, Isaac, I think we're going to need some more beer. Oh, yeah, man. Isaac. Where's Isaac? Isaac, I think we're going to need some more beer. Or not. Eh, fuck it. Well, I don't know where he's at. Where is Isaac with some beer?

No, no, I'm pointing at you. Is he back there? Isaac, we're going to need some more beers. Isaac, we need more beers. Yeah! Isaac, do one lap. Do one lap. Come on. Isaac Horn, everybody, our manager extraordinaire. Walk around in front. Come here. Just walk around in front. Take a lap. Take a lap, Isaac. So for the people at home, Isaac is dressed as a man on a toilet.

Look at his shoes, they're the same. Hey, it says Party Pooper on the back, just FYI, so you guys got the full picture. That's good, that's good, that's funny.

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So diarrhea and water parks...

Those signs that you see everywhere now, I feel like they didn't have those signs when I was a kid where it was like, it says like, if you've had diarrhea in the last week, don't even fucking come to this water park. No, that wasn't even a factor when we were children. Was there less diarrhea? It was just, nobody cared about it. I think there was less diarrhea. Yeah. Because like, people are eating like almond butter and shit now. Yeah. Yeah.

The cause of diarrhea. Almond butter kind of looks like diarrhea. No, it's kind of crazy because, yeah, it says, like, is it a week or is it, like, a month? I think it's within the last couple days. I don't think it's a month. Yeah, what is it? I don't know if it's a month or two weeks. Either way, I'm like, God damn, that seems like a superpower if you haven't had diarrhea in three days. Right. Wait, you have diarrhea every day? Every three days.

Whoa, that's something you might, as a friend, you might want to go get that looked at. That is a choice. That is something I treat myself to. Oh, okay. I did not know that. Every three days, I do a self-induced diarrhea. How do you do that? Self-induced? And is that because of alcoholism? It's side effects. I'm going to zip this.

I'm going to zip this. You guys talk. I'm going to zip this cushion to the couch real quick. What's going on? Is this MacGyvering? Okay, I'll do a buzz ball. I don't give a F. Wow. He will, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, gosh. Okay, we're going to count. One, two, three, four, five, six seconds. Wow, kind of a long time. You think? I don't know. You think you could beat six seconds with a buzz ball?

Yes. Really? Six seconds? That was a very long time. Okay. Okay. I mean, I could chug a beer in like three seconds. Yeah, but a beer's not a buzz ball. We do know this. Yeah, true. And you don't have to do this. You don't have to do this. You can just stay like, yeah, I win. No, I'll die for my fans. Dude, I was in Australia once doing shows and motherfucking Dave Grohl came to the show.

It was sick. Seattle's very own. Yep, exactly. And then in Australia, they do this thing called a shoeie where you pour a beer into your shoe and then chug it. Right. And I got peer pressure by the crowd. They were like, do a fucking shoeie, mate.

You know, because Australians are like, dude, I'm fucking chewy. They're all hot as shit and just dumb as fuck. They're the best, dude. Dude. Australians are so hot and so dumb. Dude, I heard a new thing that's like hot in Australia right now. What's it hot? It's called doing a bubbler. And...

What's that? I'm going to go take a shit. From a source, you piss into your own mouth. Shut the fuck up. I swear to God. Shut the fuck up. Fucking do a bubbler, mate. I swear to God. So the audience convinced me to do a shooey. I do the shooey, and then Dave Grohl's in the crowd, so I'm kind of like, hey, I'm fucking cool, dude. I did a shooey. And then I go backstage, and Dave Grohl's there. He's like, you don't have to do that, dude. Right. Don't let them peer pressure you. And basically, he was like...

You're a bitch. Right. And then he walked away and you were like, there goes my hero. Oh, wow. Yes, points. Wow. And I feel like I've used that one before. Dave Grohl, drummer of Nirvana, Seattle, stand up. Nirvana. Yeah, all right. Are you going to try and beat six? All right, so let's see. Under six seconds. Okay, I'm counting. I'm the clock. Here we go. We are.

Ready. When you start, I'll start counting. I like that you chose like the room temp, maybe warmer than room temp. That's how I like them. Self-induced diarrhea, baby. Get ready. The cause of diarrhea. Here we go. Here we go. Okay. He's okay. Yeah, I'm gonna count. One, two, three, four, five. Goodbye. 4.56 seconds. It's a new record.

Dude, good job. You did it. It's a bagel. Oh, you're leaking, bro. You're leaking out your ass, dude. There's a bunch of ice down there that was melting under your hot, hot cheeks. I was just joking. I was saying you have diarrhea leaking. That's also why I think since I'm really good at chugging,

It's also why I think I'd be really good at sucking dick. Right. Oh, no gag reflex. Wait, wait, wait. Adam always talks about this. Sneak and suspicion. Oh, I won't shut up about this. I've never done it. Never say never, but I've never done it. Also, what's weird is like the other day Adam was just kind of hanging out and he goes, I just feel like I'd be really good at sucking dick. Out of nowhere. Allegedly.

Apropos of nothing. Well, I probably had just chugged something. It always reminds me that I could just open my throat so well. I think you took like a deep breath. Yeah. I was able to swallow that breath so easily. We were at the hotel pool and Adam's like...

Actually, I think I'd be really good at sucking dick. Huh. We know, Adam. Well, you know how nowadays you can just flop genders back and forth? Sure, Adam. I might give it a go. That has nothing to do with flopping genders. You can suck dick no matter what gender you are. This is more a sexuality thing. Do you. I want my dad to continue to love me. Right, right.

Yeah, that'll do it. I know your dad, and if you suck dick as good as you think you can. Well, the bummer would be if I do it, and then the guy's like, that wasn't even good, dude. Right. That was like a lot of teeth. I don't know. And you swapped genders just to try this once? You're bad. Do you want to be told you were good, or do you want to be told you were bad, and you were like, great, I knew it, thank you.

No, if I'm going to do it, I want to be the best at it. Oh, yeah. Good day. And that's the difference between us? You can start at the penis. Wait, speaking of slamming buzz balls, yesterday, last night, at a different show, at the meet and greet afterwards, a dude had a buzz ball, and he goes, Blake, I'm going to get down on a knee, and I want you to pour this buzz ball into my mouth. And he just goes like this. And we're like, cool, this dude rages.

And then Blake just poured it directly into his eye. Yeah. And all over his shirt that Blake had just complimented him about. Yeah, he was like, cool shirt. And then it was a milk chocolate. It was a chocolate. It was a milk chocolate buzz ball, dude. So it looks like he was the human cause of diarrhea. And it was this far from his mouth.

It wasn't like from a balcony or like some other cool shit. I feel like I saw Blake kind of shake it around too. Like he was doing this like, what the fuck? Yeah, because it like was first just chin to chest. And then I saw him kind of just go into the eye. Almost on purpose to the point where I'm like,

What the fuck are you doing? The best part about that would have been if that guy got up and fought Blake. Yeah. Fuck you. Then we would have had a really cool story about Blake and this guy MMA fought each other. Yeah, 22-year-old just beating his ass.

You were his hero. He was like, no, it's good. Blake is a very wiry, strong man, and those guys are hard to fight. They're hard to wrangle. Do you think you could have fought and beat that young man? I think that kid was 13. 13.

He was he was hella young. He was very slight. Yeah, I think you would have had him. Yeah, but I was I was really trying to make it in his mouth. Were you really? What? Wait, excuse me. What? What did you just say? What did I say? Say it again, dude. I was really trying to make it in his mouth. Okay. I bet you were. Were you you were that was an honest attempt because we all stood there. That was your it was so weird. I felt like I wanted to fight you.

And then there was just a pool of buzz ball juice all over where everyone, the extra 80 people that are coming through the line have to like step in it. And everyone's like, oh, my shoes, it's all sticky. And we're like, yeah. Yeah, talk to your fucking boy. Talk to your guy. Yeah, Blake. Fuck you, dude. I'm sorry. And it was weird because...

What is this, an intervention? What the fuck are we doing right now? We don't know what it is. What's going on with you? What does it feel like to you? You should see me try to piss in a toilet. I miss so bad. Is that what you want from us? Dribble dick. We should see you piss in a toilet. Maybe I just have bad aim, dude. Well, we've shared a house before, and I've been in your bathroom. And?

Mad crusty. Oh, the dry pee? A lot of dried pee. That's such a fucking roommate thing. Dry pee everywhere. I will say the one nice thing about having a wife who loves me is the one nice thing is that your bathrooms there's no rats. Okay. That's it, really. Oh, yeah.

That's like the one nice thing. Hey, honey. Okie dokie. Good night. I love you. And thanks for the no rats. Yeah. Big thanks to the no... Dude, the workaholics house was rancid, dude. There were so many rats. Is rancid from here? Just kidding. Just kidding.

I mean, Adam, we shared a bathroom and we never cleaned the bathroom. Oh, there was a collection of our pubes? Yes, there was. Just on the toilet seat? Yes, there was. But quick question. Did you guys at this time lift the toilet seat to go piss? Absolutely not. See, I do.

I'm pretty good about that and Kyle wasn't. What is pretty good, Daniel? And I also like to... Yeah, thank you, Darius. I'm a sit-down peer and I'm not afraid to admit it. Sure. Give me a hell yeah! Hey, when I'm peeing, I like to take a load off. And during that time, I like to look at my Blackberry Bold. Oh, yeah. Right? The whole screen clicks. I like to tuck my dick between my legs and sit there and look at the, you know... I do like that your dick is so out of control.

that you have to tuck it and pin it down. What do you do? My dick just... My dick just... It just goes... It just is there. Your dick knows where to go? You've trained your dragon? Well, what if... I mean, you know, because I do it... I fully have to, like...

Wait, what? This is how you have to sit down to pee? You have to push it down? Is this because your thigh is... My dick is a little bit of an explorer. I think I'm like this. My dick's a little bit of an explorer. He wants to like...

See what's going on in the bathroom. Is this because your thighs are so beefy and meaty that, like, it can't get through? Thank you. Hey, honestly, ladies, thank you. What up? I got a big cock. What up? I got a big cock. Thank you. Yeah, okay, yeah, okay. What up? I got a big cock. What up? I got a big cock. Oh, my gosh. Dude. Oh, my God.

That shit's important. We'll do it live. Fuck it! We'll do it live! Do not come. Do not come. Seattle, see muscles. Dude, so I might work out with Arnold Schwarzenegger soon. I'm excited about it. What? Are you really? Yeah, I posted the thing about when we were in Columbus. Make-A-Wish, yeah. Yeah, the Make-A-Wish photo I had. That's so cool, dude. He's a good guy. And there's this giant Arnold statue, and...

He commented on my photo saying that I look just like him, which is very nice of him. Wow, that's cool. Well, I think he just said looking good, but I took that as looking exactly like him. You look like him now.

Yeah, I look like him as a 75-year-old man. Oh, yeah. When he's melting? Yeah. I'm not melting. I'm just old. I'm not melting. It's just a tumor. Mr. Freeze thawed out. I might get to go work out with him. It would be crazy if he did go to the doctor and came home and had to be like, it is a tumor. And people are like, hilarious. No, I'm serious.

It's a tumor. I gotta go to the doctor. I'll be back. Don't quote yourself. I gotta go to the doctor. I'll be back. No, honestly, everybody chill. It's a tumor. They need to airlift me to a different hospital, so I've got to get to the chopper. Yes, points! What the hell are you? Anders Holm is my favorite comedian. Should we do some hot topics, Blakey? Okay, sure.

Hot, hot, hot, dude. Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot. So, dude, Seattle homeowner is forced to live... It didn't say dude. I added that part. What if the headline was like, dude, check this shit out. The Seattle homeowner is forced to live in his van after his deadbeat tenant listed his home for rent on Airbnb. What, you can't just pull your shit off and go like...

Oh, this is like Renters' Rights or something like that. Okay. Squatters' Rights. By the way, I've had this idea for a show for so long that, whatever, you can take it. It's called Squatters' Rights about this guy. He, like, goes away for, he has, like, a family emergency and has to, like, leave his house for a year or a couple years. It's a tumor. Yeah, and then he comes home. His mother had a tumor. She is a tumor. He goes away for a few years and he comes back and there's just, like, this whole family living in his house.

Right. And he can't kick them out because it squatters rights and he just has to live with this cool family. Right. And like there's like the young daughter who's like so sweet and nice but like the parents are crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she's like there's no Santa and he's like oh boy.

Like, are you Santa? Meanwhile, their parents are just shooting heroin up their dick holes. Right, yeah. But like in a funny way. Please. Yeah, it's a light sitcom, but like there is heroin in dick holes. Please tell me you're Santa and take me back to the North Pole. Oh, fuck. I got to pretend I'm Santa. It's the weirdest show ever.

I didn't say it was a great idea. It was just my idea. It's a good idea. I like it. Honey, help me find my dick hole, honey.

What up? I've got a big cock hole. Stop, Kyle. I said cock hole. What? No, I like if I just drew the line there and I'm like, Kyle, stop. Yeah, when I'm having the most fun. We've yet to find the line with each other. We do have to find the line. Yeah, we'll get there. We haven't found it yet. Yeah. Yeah.

We've yet to find the line. We're so crazy. We're so freaking crazy. We'll wear Halloween costumes. Well, we won't. Three of us will take it off about halfway through. One of us poured themselves into it. They can't. And one of us is committed to the eyebrows. Admit it. Ladies and fellas that swing that way, yours is looking pretty fucking sexy right now, isn't it? Yeah, it is.

Yeah, he is. He's the best. Thank you. Thank you, God! Does anybody know what that's from? One guy. Two guys. Animal House. Take off the wig. Fuck you. He's come this far. Let him do it. Blake, they're talking to you, dude. Oh, shit. Hand me way to Blake. Oh, yeah, you got it. So, dude, check this shit out.

A small New Zealand city has been plagued by drivers blasting Celine Dion ballads at 2 a.m. for almost a year, dude. What? So a town of about 60,000 people, there's a group of people that just drive around this town terrorizing. This is domestic terrorism. Yeah, that's crazy. Wow. They just blast...

What's a Celine Dion song? Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. Isn't it My Heart Will Go On? Every night in my dreams, I see you, feel you, love you.

He goes, what's a Celine? I know the whole word. Well, I couldn't remember. I was like, I know it's from Titanic, but I couldn't remember. Is there another one? There is. There's one that's actually really fucking good, but I can't remember the name of it. Wherever you are. I just watched Titanic. Titanic's pretty fucking good. Okay, fuck it. Go ahead. Go ahead. Wherever you are.

We didn't kiss not gay we didn't kiss dude we we got We pushed our kids it would have been less gay I just felt his hot breath and I was like thank God we got toothbrushed as a we brush our teeth yeah, we

Think about somebody invented toothbrushes, you know what I mean? Kate, one of our producers that produces the live show, she was like, we come back from dinner and we're all backstage, and she's like, so you guys want toothbrushes and toothpaste? No, I asked for it. Oh, really? Yeah, I was like, my breath is funky. Oh, I thought she just straight up was like, I'm going to get you toothbrushes and toothpaste. Right. And here's toilet paper. What happened? Are we leaking? Welcome to the show.

Yeah, they just sang it. Yeah. They did it. So there's not another Celine Dion song, though? There's not another one? No. I can try to... So, does she do Coming Out of the Dark? I don't know what she does. Who does that? She has such a career. Nope.

I feel like everything she sings sounds like it's in Phantom of the Opera. Oh, yeah, she's very dramatic. So, dude, this thing is part of what they call... Because you loved me. Oh, yeah. That's her other hip. What is that one? So this thing is part of what they call siren battles, and it's a trend that's been going strong in New Zealand for the last couple years, which appears to be popular among indigenous people of the Pacific Islands.

This is rival crews competing to blast the most powerful and clear sounds from loudspeakers attached to cars to win the title of the Siren King. That's funny. That's cool. Dude, we got to start that here. So it's like a Blues Brothers kind of like blast it. So imagine you're... Kyle, you're an old woman. Huh?

Imagine you're an old woman. Okay, got it. And you're trying to go to sleep, and you just had your night-night tea. And you're putting your retainers in. And then all of a sudden, let me gobble. Yeah. Whoa, okay. You're going to sleep. You're not going to be up on a sucking dick. I was just about to have a midnight snack. Of almond butter. That is not the scenario. Just be an old woman who's not sucking dick for one minute. I'm sucking dick all day.

Why were you sucking dick? I'm so old and tired and I'm sucking so much dick. No, this isn't an old prostitute. This is just a... I feel so good. Not all old women who suck dick are prostitutes. Nucky grandma! Yeah, this is I'm sucking my husband's dick of 50 years. Yeah.

That's cool. That's the dream. I guess this kind of ruins what I was going to say because this woman sounds cool and she would love to hear Celine Dion blasting. What's the rest of the scenario? Turn it up! Then it's a siren battle and they come through with Every night in

And then she's like, let me gobble. Yeah, I'm trying harder. It's perfect. It's actually a perfect scenario. So it's been going on every night since last November, dude. Dude, that's insane. That's a lot. That's cool. Yeah, New Zealand dudes. Yeah, they drink their own pee. Bro, that's insane. They call it the bubbler? No, they don't. That's Australia. You said it's Australia. Oh, it started in New Zealand. Oh, did it? Yeah. All right.

Hit me with the sound. Those fucking weird ass Kiwis, dude. You're so well-read. So Kim Kardashian, Skims. Oh, yeah. That's what Ders is wearing tonight. Yeah. Hey, Kim K, get at me. Send me all the Skims. Yes, points!

You got the Chucky skims. No, I think my wife rocks some skims, dude. And I kind of was like, oh, you're wearing Kardashian shit. But then they're like pretty dope. Okay. What are they? I don't really understand. They're just like comfy bras, but they're also like the tints are just out there. It's like Spanx. It's like Spanx. Okay. No, they're bras. Well, there's bras too. Hey, lady, my wife owns them, so shut up.

Khloe Kardashian? It's naughty clothing for women. So Kim Kardashian Skins is launching a bra with built-in nipples. Yes, yes, I'm reading the title. With built-in nipples, dude. And at first I was like, oh, that's, I mean, God, Kim Kardashian, she's the worst. And then I saw these bras and I was like,

Right. I don't think I can get behind this. I can because I want skins that have built-in big cocks. Yeah. I got a big cock. I got a big cock. Oh, yeah, just get some cod pieces. Yeah, but really graphic versions.

really bainey. That should be yours. You should just launch a bunch of cod pieces. What are we doing? What is Tommy John's underwear? Tommy John's. I was going to say, what is Kevin Hart's underwear? It's Tommy John's. That's Kevin Hart's? Yeah, he's like one of the owners of it, I think. Holy shit. But Tommy John's has been around for a while, right? So has Kevin Hart. Wow. Hey, learn something new every day. Yeah, you really do. This is so cool, guys. This is so cool. Yeah, exactly.

Bad shit's important. Oh, you want me to hit it? So this is what Kim Kardashian says. The Earth's temperature is getting... I'm going to do a Kim Kardashian impression. Okay. The Earth's temperature is getting hotter and hotter. The sea levels are... This is the commercial for this launch of this built-in nipple bra. The sea levels are rising. The ice sheets are shrinking. And I'm not a scientist, but I do believe everyone can use their skill set to do their part.

That's why I'm introducing a brand new bra with a built-in nipple. So no matter how hot it is, you'll always look cold. What the fuck? Fucking sold, dude. You veered out of the impression. But do they make nipple piercing versions where you got the little double trouble thing poking through? Yeah.

Or like the extra big, thick doggies. I'm sure you could just put a nipple ring in the bra if you wanted to. But that's not what we're talking about. I'm just saying if you want to know that. You want the kinky version where there's like a chain that's connecting the two. You could do anything. You could put a fucking raccoon tail coming out of it. Yeah, it could be a fun Thursday night. Just a little arts and crafts project. Raccoon tail. I'll be right back. Isaac, can we get Q&As, buddy? Okay. Hot, hot, hot. Isaac.

Hit me with it, Blake. Oh, yeah. What do you want, bud? So evidently the first ever Florida Man Games to feature evading arrest obstacle course. Nice. Oh, nice. He's still got it on. My favorite visual is Isaac standing backstage with that hat. Just waiting. Because you can't sit in that thing. This guy's been standing back there for an hour and a half. Give it up for Isaac. Yeah. He's doing his thing, man. He's doing his thing.

So we do a bunch of Q&As. You guys have some hot, hot Qs. Hot, hot, hot, hot. Sweet, sweet A's. Nice A. Alexa Zam...

Okay. That's a real name. It's racist. Alexis Zambrano, if you weren't doing this, actors slash podcasters, what would you like to be doing with your life, Blake? Me first? Damn, I have no time to think. I could go. What would I like? Kyle, go. Well, we saw the guy on the way here. He was skateboarding with his dog. Remember that? Yeah, I can see you being a drifter. I think...

I've been thinking about that for like an hour or two, and I would definitely be just skateboarding with my dog. Right in the line. Water trash. I see that for you. I can see you being like, hey, man, it's been hard the last few years. It has. Yeah. You got a buck? Yeah, you got a few bucks. I can see that for you. I think for me, I think I would be like a very, very hard-haired guy.

A real estate agent. Oh, okay. Real estate? Yeah. And then I try to get on selling the OC. Okay. And always be just in feisty little tiffs with my coworkers. Okay.

And they're all fucking each other, so it'd be a fun show to be on. So if you weren't an actor, you'd still be on TV? I'd be on TV. Good answer, Adam. I'm a whore for this hot, hot pub. He's like, I'd be on the thing more people are watching. If I wasn't an actor, I would be more famous. If I wasn't an actor, I'd be way more famous, dude. Juris, what would you do, bud?

Instead of being an actor slash podcaster? Yeah. I guess I would just be an actor without the slash podcaster. You can't, dude. That's cheating. You can't do that. Oh. Yeah, it's... I didn't know you were in charge of America, fucking Joe Biden over here. Yeah. Call me Joey Bods. Grandpa Joe. I kind of have Joe Biden eyebrows right now.

Now I know how he feels. It's hella distracting. That's why he's always so sleepy. It's weighing your eyes down, man. It's like your eyebrows are literally melting over your eyes. I can't help looking at America. What's the teleprompter say? I like how they got good movement, dude. And God bless America. Sure, come on. Let's go get some donuts. We're America, man.

I don't know what I would be. I guess I'd be like a lifeguard. Hell yeah. Good answer. Yeah, that's good. Like a beach? California? Just doing the whistle back and forth. Yeah. And what's cool about being a lifeguard who's in his 40s now...

It's like off-putting because everyone is 16 years old. Super tan. But I don't know if you know this, but the fucking lifeguards in LA make like 250k a year for just like spinning that fucking thing on their palm. And then they definitely just let a... Because people die every year. So they're not doing that great a job.

Well, it's hard. A lifeguard at a pool is way harder than a lifeguard at the beach. Yeah, the beach, you have to know. That's the dumbest. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm with Blake on this. Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, I'm with Blake. You haven't even been to a water park recently.

A lifeguard at a pool seems like it's so fucking easy. It's small. It's easy as fuck. Yeah, exactly. You can get to any part of it. Yes. Yeah? So a lifeguard at a beach is harder. That's not what he said. That's what I said. That's what he said. No, you said the opposite. Did I say the opposite? No.

You said being a lifeguard at a pool is way harder. Obviously, the lifeguard at the beach is way harder, but why did you hear that? I know, that's why we were in an uproar. I heard the other thing that wasn't what you said. You heard what I meant, and that's why we're best friends, and I'm going to kiss you now. I'm pissed now. Oh, really? Are you really? Oh, boy. He did it. He did it. Thanks, brother.

Sorry, bitch. Wow. What's cool is that in the last part of the pod, it just turns into Jerry Springer. I'm going to fuck him tonight. Actually, I'm kissing him. Fuck you, bitch. Okay. I would work at a bowling alley. Final answer. You say a bowling alley? Yes. Yes. What department? I see that for you. Just behind the counter. Yeah, and then...

You work the nacho cheese machine? That's your specialty? No, I spray the shoes. I spray the shoes. Yeah, but let's keep it real. When you work at a bowling alley, you've got to do everything. Well, I'll do it all. I know. You'd probably be great at it. And you know what they call them? They call them Wig Lebowski. Okay. Okay. I'll give that point. Yes, points! Can I kiss you? Just kidding. No, kiss him. No. I want to see it. I want to watch you kiss him. Next question. Yeah, next question. Next question.

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So Kyler, Kyler Field. Kyler. Kyler. I love that name, Ky guy. Kyler Field goes, dear Adam, and I love the sincerity and thank you for making this like an old timey letter. My dearest Adam. That you write with a quill from the stage coach. Dearest Adam, can you start calling Chloe's baby bump, baby bumper?

I will and she'll hate it Great Pops he goes who has the deepest belly button?

What mine is doing right now is it's surrounded by fat. It's similar to Kyle's. But there's no doubt in my mind, Kyle's. Yeah, Kyle's. Oh, yeah, no, Kyle's is an abyss. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. When I was a kid, dude, I used to put me and my neighbor would, like...

Your adult neighbor. Go ahead. No, no. This was... Yeah, whatever. It doesn't matter. But we used to fucking pretend... Wait, it does matter. It's pretty relevant. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Anyways, we used to put like fucking Teddy Grahams in our belly buttons. Ew, dude. Where is this going? Kyle. Hey, wait. Can we get the spotlight? Well,

One more time. Let's get that spotlight real quick. We used to put Teddy Grahams. You remember Teddy Grahams? Just wait, just wait, just wait. Oh, just wait. And then can we kill them? Let me know when to go. Tell me when to go. Yeah. Tell me when to go. You'll know because the lights will... Yeah, okay. Yeah, uh-huh. All right. Me and my neighbor, Sean, would get a box of Teddy Grahams and we thought this was the funniest shit. We'd put Teddy Grahams in our belly button and chew them.

And pretend like it was a fucking mouth. Yeah.

Oh, man. Spot house. You can bring the light back. Spot house. Yeah, we brought it. Your boobs are huge. Also, probably like fruit snacks and stuff, too, I think. Yeah, so for sure, Kyle, to answer your question. Yeah. Sarah B. goes, poor Blake, from a fellow curly girly. I identify as male, but yes. Thank you, Sarah B. Shut up, bitch.

From a fellow Curly Gurly, how do you get your curls looking so nice? Do you have a routine or do you wake up like that, you sexy bitch? What the hell? Does it say that last part? I added that last part. Well, first off, I think my curls look the opposite of moist. It looks like it's about to be a brush fire. Yeah, it does. It looks like the burning bush. I hate it. But really, I use shampoo.

And I have a Jeep that doesn't have a top, so it's... Yeah, actually, when you get up close to Blake's hair, it's very brittle looking. Right.

It's very unbalanced. It's a mess. I've never got a haircut. What's the maintenance on that? Do you even get the ends clipped? Do you take care of your body in any way? Do you have to cut off the split ends? I'm sure you have a ton of split ends. I literally don't do anything because I'm a fucking rocker. I'm grunge like Seattle. What up? Wow. Wow. Yeah, all right.

It looks good. Okay. You see how much is coming out? Losing so much hair. You think Blaine Staley fucking cut his dead ends or whatever? No, man. His what? His split ends. Whatever they're called. I don't even give a fuck, dude. It's just fucking hair, dude. Yeah. That being said...

Panting Pro-V. Okay, so then fucking cut it all off. It's just hair. I'll do it right now. Give me some buzzers. Fucking do it. Bring the buzzers out. Whoa. Good boy. Dear God, I wish we had buzzers. So my boy Shermdog. What's up, Shermdog? He says best 90s sports movie? Rookie of the year. That's easy. Angels in the outfield. No, no, no, no.

I take it back. I take it back. Uh, Sandlot. Sandlot. Sandlot's good. Sandlot's hella good. Oh, I know. No, fuckin' Mighty Ducks is up there. Goddamn! There's so many, so many good movies in the 90s. In the 90s. Yeah. He's the best. Um, I mean, we all love Cool Runnings. We all love Cool Runnings. Cool Runnings. Good call. Cool Runnings.

Oh, dude. It's got John Candy and the hot black Jesus from the Like a Prayer music video. Okay. Deep cut. Remember that dude? I think he had one name. Fuck. His name was Fuck? No. Yeah. It was Jeff. His headshot was just Fuck. That's cool. You've got the part. So Allison and Darren want to know, what would be your last meal go? It would be my mother's turkey pot pie.

Is that what you call it? No, everybody say, aww. Aw. Yeah. Thanks, guys. I really love it. I can't even think of anything. I'm just thinking about cheese pizza for whatever reason. That doesn't seem like the last meal thing, but I kind of feel like that might be it. I don't know. I love how you're like, dude, I don't know. For some reason, I'm thinking of a food.

But cheese pizza feels like the worst answer, but it's the only thing that popped into my mind. But dude, it's super satisfying. It's a satisfying treat. Yeah, it's delicious. And is it... It was a confusing thought. Is it from Pizza Hut or Domino's and it's delivered and you have a blockbuster VHS tape that you're ready to pop in with your homies and you're going to watch Goonies in the years 1991? Is that your last meal? All that sounds great, dude. And then immediately afterwards you're going to be murdered?

It's cheese pizza followed by pancakes followed by a burrito. Pizza, pizza. I feel like... It's the one thing. I would try and be pretty cool to the chef so that by the time it was time to murder me for crimes I've committed, then I'd be like, hook me up. And I'd get a Chicago-style pizza with spinach. Oh, fuck yeah. And underneath that, I'd have a gyro. Oh, shit. He'd be like...

See, because I was going to say kind of the same thing, but like I'm really cool with the chef and we're like homies. Yeah. And so then like. He's a good dude too. Like he's a good dad. He baked into my chicken pot pie a key to my handcuffs and a handgun. Oh. Oh. Yeah. So if anything, I get to go out guns a blazing. Dang, that's actually a sick movie. The Last Meal starring Adam Devine. Then you just get murdered without the last meal. No.

No, I would eat the chicken pot pie and then I'd have a handgun. Well, what are you doing with the gun if you eat all the chicken pot pie around it? He's eating that too. He's really hungry. Are you really going to run after eating an entire chicken pot pie? You think you're going to be able to run? I don't know. Yeah, and I'm just saying if you eat... There's some holes in the plan. If you eat it, you're going to see the gun. And also, Allison and Darren say at the end, also Blake has a flat ass. He's a flat asser. Wow, he's a flat asser. He's a flat asser.

Says it right there. So a lot of people say he had the nicest ass on the pod, but I don't know. I would say one. I always got to vote for myself because my ass is fucking dope, dude. But that's so fat. What's the front? Ders is ass in those Chucky pants. It was something great. I appreciate that. I appreciate that.

So Amanda and Sarah go for Kyle. We went to your Fade Up, Fade Out, Bye Bye shows in LA. Whoa. When is new music coming and when are you bringing the show to Seattle? Okay. Oh, well, Fade Up, Fade Out, Bye Bye is a band that I'm in and we are actually in a fade out period right now. We're not sure if we're going to. We're almost fully faded out. We're not sure if we're going to bye bye or fade back up. It's been a couple of years, so I couldn't answer that. I don't know.

Yes, sir. How would you describe your sound? Random. Okay. Wannabe Zappa. Totally random. If you would have said Wannabe Macklemore, I would have been at the show. Right. I'd pop those tags. So Monica P goes, if you could see any grandma naked, who would it be?

Any grandma naked? In the world? Naked grandma! I mean, the correct answer is Laura Bush. There's really young grandmas out there. Laura Bush? The human cat? Laura Bush. Like George Bush's wife? Yeah. She's a human cat, right?

Laura Bush? What? What happened? I got a feeling that there's like a... It's gotta be kind of tight. I feel like it's less than tight. I feel like there might be like a younger, hotter grandma out there. I know, but I'm not looking for young and hot because you can get that via... What? Naked grandma! I think he wants the boom, boom, boom, boom. Dude, come on, dude. I don't know where it went. You have to fuck these old grannies. You can see young and tight all the time, but when you get to see a president's wife...

Sure. Make it. Yeah. Who's your grandma? Yeah. I feel like I'm picking Laura Bush over Hillary. Yeah. Just for this. Just for this. Because you don't know what she's got underneath those Dr. Evil outfits she wears. Yeah.

Like, who styled her? They were like, we're going to make you look like you're from outer space. And I think you'll connect to the Earthlings. It was the costume designer from Star Trek Next Generation. For sure. And they're like, we've got you. We know exactly what you should wear, Hithery. Yeah. So what, who? What, Grandma? I want to see them all, dude. I love naked grandmas. Okay. Not an answer? Cop out? Ders? Probably like Estelle Getty.

This is the thing about Durst. He's so old that he's going to mention someone no one knows. Oh, you guys have never seen Stop or My Mom Will Shoot? I have. I haven't. It turns out they haven't. I'm still getting it. And also, I would say 85% of the crowd also has it. Or Rue McClanahan. If I could get the whole Golden Girls cast butt naked...

Okay, yes, if I could run train on the Golden Girls. We're not running train. That's not the question. I guarantee you if you start and you end up at Bea Arthur, she flips you around. Dude, with these eyebrows? She's trying to fuck.

So, Kyle? No, I refuse to answer the question. Thank you for fucking my friend. Because a naked grandma is... A sacred thing to do. Yes, please! No, a naked grandma is not what... You don't want to see a naked grandma, so I'm not going to answer that. It's a bad thing. Speak for yourself. I would fuck the grandma from The Shining. It's not about fucking. Oh, yeah, she was tight. This is just about looking. You want to witness the event.

You're not fucking these women. These women are respectable women. It's a president's wife. Oh, yeah. I feel like... Next question. I feel like the grandma from Family Matters had something up her sleeve. Oh, Harriet. Guys, I know how to take these eyebrows off. I think I'm going to have an allergic reaction. What? Go ahead. My eyebrows, they're starting to itch really bad. Take them off. Take them off.

So do, hey, Kyle, do an Australian accent and say butt chug. We got some Australians in the crowd. I've read these. They say, uh, uh, good day. Butt chug, mate. Butt chug. Yeah, it's called a bait. Butt chug. Butt chug. They get chug. The best is when you meet like a really beautiful Australian girl and then they talk to you and you're like, you're hilarious. Yeah, right. You're so funny, dude.

Butt-chug. Butt-chug. Butt-chug. I think it's like a... It's like the prettiest person you've ever seen in your life and it's butt-chug. I think it's butt-chug. I do too. I think it's like... Oh no, a butt-chug. Yeah. Butt-chug. Butt-chug. Because they say like... Watch me, bubble. I'm going... When they say down, they say like dine. So Ashley Kips wants to know who has the biggest dick out of all of you? Get out of here. That's crass. How dare you? We get this question...

We get this question almost always. Yeah, and the answer is, Durs me Blake Kyle. Yeah. It's a disgusting question. You should be embarrassed. The one time we all docked. Yeah. Four-way dock. It was like, this is cool. They all kind of fit together.

in cool, weird ways. - They were good. - I don't know about biggest, but... - Veiny, for sure. - So Robert... - Go ahead. - Potesta wants to know, "Who is the dry guy in the group? Meaning, who doesn't use lube when jerking off?" - Ooh. - Oh, not anymore. - Yeah, that seems... - What? - What? - You guys... - Not anymore.

What happened? You swore Lube off? You know what happened is I just got tired of having to have another thing that I needed to do the thing. So I guess it's like an efficiency thing. Right, efficiency, for sure. Yeah. All right, well, everyone that clapped, you're all psychos. No, it's chill. Because you rub your dick raw. No, because we don't need...

We don't need something else to get the job done. Okay. Okay. But you know, spit is technically a lube. Gross. Also, you know that you're saying the job to get done is fucking, and God lubricates what you're fucking.

Yeah, but that's also, you don't eat something else. And we're in a mega church tonight, right? I think this is about, this is when jerking off. This isn't fucking, this is you. Of course, but he's saying like, you don't need to lubricate it to get the job done. And I'm saying that when Adam and Eve were created, God said, hey, the snake, lube it up. And the snake was like,

No doubt. Yeah. Yeah, well, if my hand had lube that naturally came down of it, came down of it. Came down. So you're saying that with human evolution, you think that the matter...

the male hand should produce some kind of lubricant when you would think so. I am thinking like, it's bullshit that it hasn't yet in the future. We will, isn't it like tadpoles like crawled out of the sea and became turtles or whatever the fuck happened. Right. Like we should have a little secretion. Yeah.

I use it when I can, and then when I can't, you know. Oh, he's a half-half. Okay. Okay. All right. It's always nice. It's also like washing a car, you know? Just give it a wax. You know what I mean? I don't understand, but I... Well, you don't wash your hair. What is that? It's like washing your car? Give it a wax? You're just taking care of the skin. Well, wax would be...

Way too sticky, Dirk. I'm not saying I literally use wax. I'm saying it's like waxing a car. You're just taking care of it. Oh, sure. Yeah. Sure. That's what I told my wife. Respect your dick, is what we're saying. I'm just taking care of my... Honey, don't come in here. I'm just waxing. I'm just taking care of the skin of my... Fuck. Oh, God. Okay.

So are there any epic giveaways? Any take-backs, apologies? I feel like I got some epic giveaways. I'm going to give these motherfucking eyebrows out. Ow, ow, ow. Oh, man. Hell yeah. Those are not epic at all. Yeah. Wow. That wasn't... Oh. Any take-backs? Any apologies? Anything like that? No. Candy critiques? Dead ringers? I would like to...

If anything, say thank you to Blake for putting the spotlight on Kyle so often. Yeah, yeah. Guys, this doesn't happen that often that Kyle gets the spotlight. It doesn't. And he is my favorite actor of all time, so... Allegedly! I gotta start doing it more. It's Kyle, Ed Harris...

Oh, and real quick, I wanted to say thank you to Angela Powell for coming out. She just found out she has stage four colon cancer. And then she said, y'all really gave me my flowers. Oh, boy. Okay. Nope, don't do that to us. Which is hilarious. Thank you, Angela. You're very, very funny. And we wanted to say thank you for coming out. Yeah. We really appreciate you. Thank you, Angela. Give me a hell yeah.

And if you don't have VIP afterwards, come to the front of the stage. Our manager will take care of you and we'll give you T-shirts and all kinds of cool stuff. He's the guy wearing the toilet costume. And now that we've said that, I don't want to see some fucking bros like, yo, I got colon cancer too, dog. Check it out. Paramount Plus, right? Yeah, none of that. How sweaty is my ass now?

I got no take backs. You guys were fucking awesome. Yes. You guys rock. You guys were good. Beautiful. I told you they'd be awesome. He was like, man. Yeah, I was on the fence, but. Thank you guys so much for coming out. S-Town. Oh, hell yeah. Let's throw some shirts. Oh, yeah. Throw some freaking shirts, dude. Hell yeah. Live. We'll do it live. We'll do it live.

That shit's important. I'm gonna come. Do not come. Thank you so much, Seattle. We had a blast. Thank you so much for coming. You guys are the best. We love this city. We really do. You guys, thanks for all the support. This was another episode. This is important. Thank you all so much.

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