Ep 159: Live From Denver: The Mile HIGH Guys 01:24:00

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Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. Welcome to This is Important, a production of iHeartRadio, the show where we only talk about what's obviously most crucially integral to the fabric of our very nature. Today we talk about... So then I had to like go upstairs and explain to my mom what tornadoes were. Wait, why do you think the inside of testicles is fruit by a foot?

I'd like to apologize to my family for ruining their computer for years. I'm just gonna say my butt cheeks are both exactly the same.

Here we go. Start your engines. Wow. Wow. Wow, dude. Wow, dude. Wow, dude. Wow. Wow, dude. Wow, dude. Wow.

Oh, nice catch. It's rolling. Yo, that's the first time I've thrown a buzz ball. How'd it feel? It felt great. I felt connected. It feels right.

You know, I thought about that because this is what our fifth or sixth show on the tour. Dude, I don't even know. There's no way to tell. I was like five. Okay, there's no way to tell. Like I said, there's no way to check that out or six. I was like, when is the first time we're going to get sued for

For breaking someone's face with a buzz ball. Well, I will say at that last moment. Not here. I did toss one out and this woman was totally like on her phone, looked up and was like, nah.

But she was cool. She caught it and she was like, hopefully, yeah. She bit into it. There was somebody on their phone at the intro already? I think they were like trying to tweet about the fervor. Oh, okay. Oh, yeah. They were working on spreading the news. Spreading the news. Well, I think if they're in the crowd, it's a legally binding cron-contract? Cron-tract. It's a cron-tract. Sign it with weed, dude. Yeah, dude. Yep.

You're not going to sue us, right? Nobody's getting sued? Good. Yeah, baby. I will say that I do love the vibe of this theater. It's fucking awesome. Yeah. It's beautiful. Yeah.

And it also feels like it could double as a megachurch on the off nights. So what's up with that? Are we about to go to heaven tonight? Dude. I hope not, dude. Thank you, God. Are we all going to die together? Oh, my God. Thank you, God. I hope not. Yeah. What did you have planned? I got some ideas. I think you know I have ideas. Durs, you think everybody goes to church and just dies?

This is how little this guy goes to church. Isn't that like what goes down? Thank you, God. Honestly, I don't know. It's been a while. It's been a while. Easter Bunny's real though, right? Dude, absolutely. Right?

Dude, were you guys hyped on Kermit being here? It's Jim Henson's birthday today. Oh, yeah. Happy birthday, Jim Henson. Dude, give it up for Jim Henson. Should we jump right into this? And like, you know, we don't want to be inorganic, but like favorite Jim Henson like moment, movie, show, like thing? Ooh.

Never Ending Story. No, it's The Labyrinth. It's The Labyrinth for me. A Jim Henson joint? I will say, I think Never Ending Story was like Jim Henson adjacent. Really? I think maybe they were like in conjunction, but I don't know if that was like a Henson joint. They did The Creatures at the Creature Factory, but you didn't make it. So explain to the people that aren't me...

Jim Henson, what did he do again? Jim Henson is fucking... I'm a dumbass. The Muppets, bro. Okay, that's the one I knew. Yeah, Jim Hempen. Jim Henson. You're having a lot of slips of the tongue already. It's all weed based. Lay down, Kyle. Well, how am I doing all these fuck-ups, but they land in weed? Yeah, dude, because you're in Colorado where they smoke a ton of weed. Whoa.

The Mile High City. Dude, the meaning of this place changed, bro. Dude, the amount of times my driver from the airport to the hotel was like, I could stop at a dispensary. Was it the same guy we had? Was he Driver Dave? He told me that like 12 times too. He's like, I'm Driver Dave. We could stop at a dispensary. I've seen some wild shit in my car and I'm like, what's the wildest shit? And he's like,

Like a gay dude tried to fuck me. And I'm like, that's not standard operating procedures that have us constantly. Hollywood dude. Yeah. All these gays trying to fuck this ass.

It's more flattering than wild. It's just flattering. Yeah, it actually hasn't happened in a while. I'm like, I'm losing it. It sucks. 69, dudes! Is it the beard? Is the beard... Is that changing your vibe? No. No, the beard is... You're in the new porno category with the beard automatically. Yeah, baby bear cub. Yeah. Yeah. Before you were just like husky... Husk? Husky slick. Yeah.

Like you could be oiled down very easily. So what is he now, though? Wait, what did you say you are? Well, I would be like, you know what? What is the gay term for like a bear? He's pretending like he's a cub. I'm a bear cub. A bear bottom? Bear bottom cub? Bear bottom. Is that a thing? Yeah, it seems real. All right, cool. We're going to find out.

We're going to find out tonight. I don't know, guys. It's got to be the altitude. How do you survive up this high? This is wild. So what is your number one hints in flick then? Go. Mine's Mrs. Doubtfire. Yeah. I'm still not exactly sure what he's done, but he's into prosthetics, I think.

Yeah. In which case, mine is Mrs. Doubtfire. I definitely never vibed with the Muppet movies. I'm not going to lie. I was always kind of like, eh, kind of boring. Because there's not enough like porno involved? You've never seen them? There's so much porno in these movies. Oh, shit. Well, I should check it out.

The nose? Oh, dang. Yeah, what was that? That's gonzo porno, man. That's where it comes from. Dude, we're in a church, basically. Sorry, God. Clean it up. My bad.

Yeah, I guess my favorite Jim Henson movie would probably be Labyrinth as well. Yeah, that was probably mine. I'm going to go... I'm going to go... Which is super dope. I'm going to go Dark Crystal, though. Oh! A little more serious, a little more like as a young child. Oh! You're like, should I be watching this when they take the essence out of those little people? What is the name of the things that like... So it was a porno. They run like... Skeksis. No, those...

Those are striders. Yeah, they're just... And Todd, I'm holding the microphone like this tonight, you fucking asshole. You know what... At sound, you said, hold it like this tonight. You know what is even better than the Jim Henson movies is if you watch the behind the scenes and you see the actors that are in those things and how long they went to ballet school and all this shit, and then they just throw these giant...

That's the best. They've taken like dance to like the 10th degree. Like they're the best in their field. And then they're just like have a big beak on. Right. So we really appreciate your chance. Please cover your face. I guess you don't have to go to ballet school to like do all that shit. You just have to be an asshole. You have to be willing to look like an asshole, which I am. Yeah. Honestly, what you just sign me up, Jim.

He passed away quite a while ago. Did he? Yeah. Look at this fucking guy right here. This fucking guy right here, man. Look at this fucking guy. Yo, what's good, T-Bone? Ladies and gentlemen. Maybe we know him. Maybe we don't. If you don't realize what this silhouette is, this is a T-Bone Jefferson. Local legend. Local legend. Local legend. By the way, how many people from Colorado Springs are in the house?

Manitou! Yeah, and what's up with Manitou? Is Manitou in the building? There, we got a man from Manitou right there. So one person, that's fucking crazy. And who took the seven and a half hour drive from Omaha, Nebraska, where I'm from? This one? You really did? We're not afraid to travel.

We're not afraid to travel. We're coming to Omaha. She's coming twice. She's a double dipper. Get her security. She's a psycho. Coming twice. No one comes to this show twice and means it. Dude, oh. This guy? Probably also a local legend.

Fine to guess. There's no doubt in my mind. He is about to tackle our friend. Oh, shit. Atiba's in trouble. He's like, so here's the deal. Uh-oh. I'm going to fucking break your spine. If you don't get the fuck up right now, back off this lip of the stage. Everyone likes Jagermeister, cool shirt, but I'm going to fucking finish you. I'm going to literally take a picture of the inside of your butthole with that thing.

And now he's blocking you out, dude. He wants you to stay there. I knew this was Atiba's whole plan. Be the star of the show. Look at him go, dude. With his 2003 camera. Usually, usually comics, or usually photographers like to blend in. You,

Usually they like to have a bigger... He's like, you know what? I'm going to wear my most fun bucket hat. Right, right. Kind of just take up the entire light of the stadium. Then there he goes. There he goes. Give it up for Atiba, everyone.

fucking disaster, my guy. Did you guys ever pre, like, obviously, we're going to date ourselves, but like, phones are the best cameras now, but did you guys ever carry around digital cameras before phones kind of filled that? Whoa. That's good, man. Yeah, dog. Do you remember that? Like, what were we, why were we documenting all those horrible things? Oh,

We had fun childhoods, Durs. I'm not talking about childhood. Durs is like when you used to kill all those innocent animals, right? Remember when you would just find a homeless person and you'd be like, whoa! And chuck, and chuck. Oh my God. No, but just like in your 20s, you'd be like, hey, let's watch you drink until you black out in this weird corner and eat Cap'n Crunch. Why did we roll on that?

I don't know why we rolled on that, but we were rolling on party footage. Yeah, for sure. We were really interested. Maybe we were just studying what happens. You think that's what that was? I think low-key we were studying humanity. I remember the first time... Right to MySpace. It wasn't the first time. Maybe the 12th time I did a lot of mushrooms. Oh, shit. Because you know when you do mushrooms, you guys know... Toasty! Toasty!

When you do mushrooms, you're like, I figured it out. Yeah. Oh, man, it's so nice. Those are really great moments. Life makes sense. Yeah. I figured the meaning of life. I have to document it so then I can remember when I'm sober. Right. And tell everyone...

Maybe write a book. Right, right, right. I do remember us hanging out at Packard and getting super stoned. Packard is where a street that they used to live on. Yeah, we were roommates back in the day when we were doing comedy on the internet. And I remember filming each other high as fuck, thinking it was the best shit ever. Smoked weed every day. It was that. We were doing that.

And then we watched it back and it's just absolute trash. It's garbage. It's never as good as you want it to be. That was me on the mushrooms. I wasn't in my 20s. I was like 17 years old. And I remember watching it back and it was just like four and a half hours of me touching the popcorn ceiling of my friend's basement. Bro, that had to feel so good. It did.

It turns out that's the meaning of life. Is the popcorn ceiling. Yeah, it's just cutting your knuckles on popcorn ceiling. You just threw it into like digital sepia and like it was art suddenly. We didn't even do that. Fair enough. Fair enough. It's just putting silly putty all over your face and being like, this is the meaning of life.

Yeah. Who's to say? Do kids still play with Silly Putty? Nope. Not a thing. Silly Putty? Yeah. Do they even make it? No. Kids have direct access to the internet all the time now. Well, people are making slime. Slime's a big thing on the internet. Kids love watching slime videos, I think. You think slime's still cool, dude? That shit's over, bro.

Oh, fuck. I'm dating myself. Sorry. That was like so two years ago. That was my B. Yeah, they're onto like handguns now. Well, I actually spent a lot of... Okay, chill. Cool. Uh...

I spent a lot of time... Chill, Dirt. Chill, chill. It's not me. It's not me. It's the children. It's a public place. It's the kids. These damn kids. I spent a lot of time in Colorado when I was a kid because it's only like six, seven hours, seven and a half.

from Omaha. It's only super far from where you grew up. It's only super far, but when you're a kid, you're like... I remember multiple times we would lie to our parents and say that we would spend the night at each other's house and then drive seven and a half hours from Omaha and then sleep in our cars. Which...

What did you do when you got to the Mile High City? What are you doing? Drink the beer that we brought in the trunk of our car. Right. That is weird. And just walk around a city being like, yeah, we're far away. We're fucking our own people, man. Yeah. And then just get really stoned. I remember one time we took the... What is that freeway? We took the...

Is the 76 the one that goes to Omaha, right? And turns into the 80? She probably knows. And then the 70 doesn't do that at all. Oh. That goes a way different direction and goes way down into Kansas. This is the way. Okay, okay. And so we were like, we're hotboxing my mom's conversion van.

With a 13-inch TV, no big deal. Whoa, wait, this is... Yeah, our family had money. My mom cleaned houses and my dad worked for the railroad. You know what, though? You're saying your mom cleaned houses, but you had a television in your car. Yeah, it was a 12-year-old van. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. You had a TV in your van?

Dude, you know this. Don't act surprised now. I've never heard this. I actually didn't know you had a conversion van either. I didn't know that. I love conversion vans. It wasn't even a conversion van. Did you know he had a television in his van car? Dude, honestly, you must have thought you in one of your drunken stupors that you told us, but I had no fucking clue. And this changes a lot. The way you grew up is completely different. This changes a lot. You're like Richie Rich, dude. Yeah.

I really wasn't. He wasn't rich, just had a TV in his car in the 90s. It wasn't the 90s. It was 2001. So you had a VCR in 2001 in your van. It was a VCR. Okay. Yeah, it was sick. I'm not going to lie. It was a sick used vehicle. Yeah. It was a Mark III conversion van.

Yeah. You guys know. Pretty sick whip. Yes, points! And I borrowed it from my mom, and we went to Colorado. What are you watching on the trip? Is there a VCR? Yes, mostly Miss Doubtfire, my favorite Jim Henson film. Yes! And honestly, Miss Doubtfire... Nucky Grandma! And...

and half-baked. And then I was like, I just remembered 7. Nothing versus 7.6 versus 7.0. And then we drove like eight hours the wrong direction. And you ended up in Kansas. Deep, deep in the heart of Kansas. And then we were driving, we're like, we finally figured it out. It was the pre-having your phone and being able to figure it out. And we just got to a gas station and all the plates were Kansas. And we're like,

This doesn't seem right. That is a true adventure. You don't have your phone. You're just heading somewhere. That's a cool time. People don't get to experience that anymore. Yeah, I know. Yeah, people get to just drive exactly where they want to go whenever they want to go. Yeah, they get to know where they are at any time. Life fucking sucks now. You get where you want to be. Fuck. Yeah.

You can reach out to anyone whenever and they'll respond pretty quickly. But like just from like a round of applause or whatever the fuck we want to call it. Like do you guys want to just like turn your phones off and go on a road trip or not? Right. And now follow up. But have you actually fucking done that?

All right. See, I feel like this is Colorado, though. This is the crowd that people are like, I just got to get away from it all. Right, yeah. They're like, I don't know what militia I'm going to join. For sure. No, that's Oregon. That's Washington, I think.

Right.

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Also, can you stand up? Have you guys really looked at Durz's outfit today? Yeah, what is going on with this? Like...

This shit is the fucking sickest outfit I've ever seen. I'm just dressing like a normal Denver dog. You know what I'm saying? Here's the deal. What is cool about how normal you look here is that any other city we were to go to, if you showed up looking like that, people would be like, what the fuck is that? You're wearing a sleeping bag, it's short!

Yeah. But here they're like, seems cool. Yeah. There's a person. But I will say this. Like, we give Blake a lot of shit because he pretends that he skateboards and looks like a surfer. A T-Botel, I'm like a skateboard. No. But I have so much, like, winter gear, like...

I'm lucky I didn't break out the crampons tonight, guys. Oh, what is... What's that? But I live in Southern California. I don't get to wear this. So I'm in Denver. It was like 90 degrees today, but I'm still going to break it out. I know, it's so hot. I'm still breaking it out.

Those shorts are awesome. I do want a pair. They look cozy as fuck. Every time... I've only seen them in pictures before tonight. This is the first time I'm seeing them in the flesh. Dude, they're fun. These are my fun shorts. Wait, what is a crampon? Is that like a winter tampon or something? Yeah. Oh, like Krampus? That's why I went too. It's like Krampus. Yeah, Blake. Extra furry or something? It's like spikes for your shoes to ice climb. Oh, shit. That's way different.

on your period. Okay. No, it's just ice climbing spikes. Do you ice climb ever? No, and to that point, I also don't have crampons. Oh, okay. It was just for the joke. Okay, gotcha. There's going to be a lot of that tonight. A lot of for the joke. Now, are those shorts...

Because to me, they do not make sense. Because why... That's why I like them, by the way. If you're wearing shorts, why do you need a sleeping bag wrapped around your dick? I mean, what's cool is that everyone out there is like, ha ha, he doesn't realize that when you're skiing in Colorado, it's a little warm. It's nice to just have these, your boots up to here. Am I right? Am I right? Yeah.

Oh, shit. So that's like, yeah, okay. That's like wearing like your powdered pants. I'll rock these with just like some tights into the boots. Okay. You would wear tights under those? You wouldn't just go like you're going right now? Like with your knees showing? No, I like tights. Okay. That's tight. Yeah. Now, that doesn't make sense to me. I'm sorry. I'm going to draw the line there. I got some sick knickerbockers that I've never worn that I just can't muster it up, you know? Have you guys ever not been able to muster something up?

Adam? No, I can always muster. Blake? You have no problem mustering? Blake, have you ever had anything you just couldn't muster up? I'm pretty sure most of my life is about not being able to muster. Okay, all right. I'm good to know. Kyle, mustering. Having trouble mustering lately. Yes, just as of late. It's a new thing. It's never happened before. I normally can muster anything up. Kyle, it's the altitude, dude. It's the altitude. It's the altitude. It's hard to muster in the altitude.

I would blame so much shit on the altitude here. Oh, yeah. Right. Like, do you guys lean into it? If you're, like, late to work, are you like, dude, the altitude. Well, yeah, but I feel like if you live here, you're used to it. You have to be, like, two weeks brand new. And then for those two weeks, you really have to take advantage. So if you've been in a marriage for, like, seven years and, like, your day's not working, you know.

Yeah, that's the mustering I'm talking about. You can't hit him with a little... You're like, honey, it's gasping for breath. It can't fucking breathe. It's the altitude. Sweetheart, you know the altitude, right? We've lived here for 15 years and... Yeah. Sorry, I got to...

Take it on a walk. I got to go for a hike. I'm going to put on the crampons and hit a little ice climb session. And then when I get back, we're going to... Oh, shit. That's how all wives after seven years want to be made love to. Also, what did you do with your hands there, bro? Were you just like... Honey...

The kids are sleeping. Will you wah-wah-wah-wah me? We finally have a moment alone. It's time to wah-wah-wah-wah-wow. Let's just do it real quick. Wah-wah-wah-wah. Quiet. I miss us. Quiet. I feel like it's time to wah-wah-wah-wah. We need to just wah-wah-wah-wah-wah. The kids are asleep. The kids are asleep. It's time to wah-wah-wah-wah. Sweetheart, it's Christmas Eve. I know, but maybe...

Santa Claus comes down the chimney and wah, wah, wah. I love it. We put it on Christmas. Like, you're so good at just putting me there. And the wife is like, I just put on my crampons. That's extra grip. That's extra grip right there. I just strapped on the crampons. I can't wah, wah, wah, wah, wah right now. Baby, the sleeping bag shorts are already around my ankles. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

It's a lifestyle. I like Rado, bro. Can I call it Rado? Is that cool? No. Rado. Rado? I don't like it. That was dead. I'm going to get my ass beat after the show. Yeah. Is that like saying San Fran? Like people don't say San Fran, you don't say Rado?

Does anybody? Nobody says Rado, right? I have no idea what that is. So, dude, my friend. That feels dumb. So, my friend loved Colorado and loved California. He's dead. And so, when we were 18 years old, he's alive. He's dead. He's alive. Bro, there is dark subtext. He's dead. He's dark. No, he's not dead, Anders. He's alive. Well, call him right now. Find out. Whoa. I'm calling him. It's my friend Austin. You know him. I know something you don't.

And he got the tattoo Cali on his body. And this is when we were 18 years old. And I go, oh, what is that for? Thinking California. And he goes, Cali-rato. Whoa. Shut up, bitch. Whoa. And then?

That's it, dude. The guy's dumb as fuck. Were you like cool about it? Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you give him like a, yeah, man, for sure, for sure. No, I was like, do I not know how to spell Colorado? Yeah, yeah. I was like, let me just hit up a real quick dictionary. What's going on? I was like, oh, I'm dumb as fuck. Cali Rado. But then he also could, now he could cover it because he likes California. Sure, dude. Is that what he does? Yeah. What did he do? Yeah. Yeah. I'm down for Cali Rado. Yeah.

Can we do a thing? That's what people that hate Californians moving to Colorado. That's what they call it. They're like, yeah, welcome to Cali-rado. Hey, fuck California, right guys? Yeah. I like that. Fucking thing sucks. You don't like California out here, huh?

Oh, I think... Oof. Hey, guys. Boo Kyle and Blake, they're from there. Yeah. Born and raised. Ew. Let me feel what that feels like. Give me a big boo. Boo.

Dude, I feel like a fucking heel. You know what? Shut up, bitch. That was too much. Shut up, bitch. Shut up, bitch. I'm going to cry. Damn, man. That felt fucking gnarly. Yeah, kind of. But you know what, though? They got a good thing going on here. I went to Winter Park this past winter and fucking skied it up. Nice. Dude, and there's nothing like going to a mountain and realizing there's moguls everywhere that you can't handle. Yeah.

I was like, this is extra tough. Can't do this. There's a bunch of super rich people? No. Moguls. Moguls are bumps, dude. Moguls are bumps on the slopes. For real, I thought there was a ton of billionaires that Durs was not able to deal with. That's Aspen. That's Vale. That's Aspen. Winter Park, mogul bumps. It's like the zits of the mountain. Which I know well. Acne.

Yeah. Did you have bad acne as a kid? Dude, you know, I kind of had... You did. You had big breakouts. I've known you. Dude, chill, man. You had big breakouts. Well, I think I fed into the beast. Like, okay, well, first off, I worked at a... You used to rub your face with pepperoni pizza or what? Yeah, what's the beast? What do you mean fed into the beast? Well, that doesn't help. When you're a teenager, you get jobs at like greasy places. Pizza, pizza. And you're just like...

You didn't have a job at a greasy place? Yeah, no. Well, we worked at a movie theater, and I was in charge of the popcorn machine. So you would always take the oil and go... I'm feeding into the beast. No, you're just around it, and the steam is getting into your pores, and it's just like... But steam is good for your pores. That's how they relieve acne. But not grease steam. Yeah, not when it's...

gaseous form of butter. Right. It's like literally you're getting a butter spa, basically. Yeah, it's worse than altitude. It's close. I'm still figuring that out. So you had zits on your face a lot in high school? Well, I think... Did you have zits on your face or not?

Hey, it's okay. I had zits too, Blake. We all had zits. I didn't, but people have them. You didn't have any zits. Not really. Well, Ders is also, Ders is maybe the sexiest one of us now. Okay. Okay. I can give that to Ders. Yes. Don't cake! But the guy's cross-eyed in real life. He got that shit fixed. And he also had the most gangly teeth I've ever seen. Right? Fuck it!

I'm like the sixth Kardashian. Where they just fix everyone and you're like, ugh. You know what I had? It wasn't like Bacne where it was like a full-on outbreak. Hot, hot, hot, hot. But when you swim, you're in like a gnarly pool. Your skin gets all fucked up from the chlorine. And I would just get these monster honking whiteheads on my back.

The kind that you need a friend to pop for you? No, so that would be like the girls on the swim team. You know, some people love popping. Yeah, chicks love popping zits. Girls on the swim team would come pop my zits. Exactly. Yeah, chicks love popping zits. I don't care. You got to ask them. I don't know what they were doing, but I was like, I'm living in a nightmare. Go on and get it. Go ahead and get it, girl. Go on and get it.

See, I didn't even have that bad of... They left. You said... She's like, I'm about to pop your shit right now. She saw the one on his neck. She's like, let's go to the bathroom right now. Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. I'm going to pop that zit and then we're going to... Put on these crampons and I'll... I didn't even have...

I didn't have that bad of acne, but my mom wanted me to be such a little hot fuck boy. Penny wanted me to be so fucking sexy, and I wasn't. Because why? I don't know. Was she always asking, like, who's your girlfriend? Like, why don't you have a girlfriend? Yeah, she was always like, I didn't have a girlfriend in the sixth grade. By the way, I'm crippled.

Right. You're 10. I'm 11 years old. I cannot walk at this point. I was hit by a cement truck. And I'm like, my legs are extended. They're in traction. But you were local famous. So she's kind of like, why aren't you working this? They're wheeling me around. And she's like, so you don't have a girlfriend? And I'm like...

Having a little trouble. I kind of get it. No, I don't know how to walk anymore. So that's a hurdle for me. But you're a local legend. You're like on the news and shit. You're not working this angle. Caleb can skateboard and hacky sack and I can't physically walk upstairs. So he's got literally a leg up.

Two legs. Science. We're giving points for that? Two legs up. Yes, points! Thank you, Blake. Yes. And then she was so excited to be so supportive of me being a gay man. Oh, she was? Right. So supportive. She was like, I just want you to know me and your father are okay with it. Yeah, that's... And I'm like, okay with what? And they're like, if you are gay. And I'm 11. And I'm like...

Thank you. Yeah. I mean, I'm almost positive I want chicks. Right. It's like you don't like watching... You like watching like full pen porno when it doesn't have like an actual dick in it. You're like, I could go for the dick. So you're like, where do I stand on that then? I don't know when it happened to you, but I wasn't watching full pen porno at 11. No. At 11, it was still like... Damn, that dropped hard. Yeah.

At 11, it was still scrambled porno. It was like still piecing together boobs and butts and stuff. I'm three years older, so it was like... Yeah. Yeah, I was getting into it. Also, at that time, you'd just wait for like the JPEG to load on your fucking prodigy computer. As soon as like the new AOL disc showed up, dude...

Game on. AOL chat rooms? Did you get the DVD and load up for new hours? Oh, yeah, dude. I was a paper boy, so I got hella hours. Because they would give them away in the newspapers for fucking free, and my brother and I would just take them all. Nice. And not deliver them to our route. So that's why our hometown didn't have internet? Yeah.

Yeah, we took them, dude, and we used them. We used all the free hours. You should have resold that shit, dude. Why? We needed it. We needed to fucking scan and look at boobs, dude. What was the first website that you guys ever went to? Oh. I know mine. Oh. Goodbye.

Like literal website? Dude, I remember the first ever website that I typed in. My dad, it was like the computer that's like in our living room basically. And my dad's watching TV. Right. And it's right there. And I like kept moving the computer like to face the corner. And he's like, what are you doing over there? And I'm like, it's too bright. I don't want to distract you. And he's like, all right. I know you're trying to wah, wah, wah, wah, wah.

And I typed in boobs.com. Yeah. Goodbye. Dude, it worked. Yeah, that's probably a good website. It probably still is. Damn. I remember that I got so many viruses, my mom put a password... On the computer. On the computer, yeah. Not STDs, but, you know, like viruses on the computer from pornography. COVID, COVID. And that my...

My mom put a password on it and I could never, ever fucking crack this thing. It sucked. And then years later, it was your mom's name. 69. Oh dude, she wrote hers. She just, the password was so easy. It was no more porno. Wow. Wow.

Like, of course. I would never have thought that. That's not what I was after. I was after more porno. I probably typed in more porno a lot. What the freaking heck? I remember my first website. I was so lame. I went to Oreo.com. I swear to God. I was like, huh, I wonder if Oreo has a website. Was it actually Oreo? I swear. And they did. Good.

I typed in, my second website was doublestuff.com. Way different. Way different. You were looking for Oreo. Way different. I was looking for Oreo, but it wasn't that. Yeah. I don't remember. This is how old I am. I don't remember. Theirs is our oldest friend. The internet's

We had something called Prodigy. Oh. Yes, Prodigy 95. I'm a fire stop. Yes. And you could just go on to like stores. And I remember going like JCPenney and looking at toys. And it was like just text. There were no pictures. And you would just... It was like an inventory list. And you'd be like, do they have Tyco Fast Tracks, the RC car? They got it. It's $79. I want that for Christmas. And you would just like print the page of...

The words. Just the inventory list. Dude, I mean, you have to tell your children that story because they're going to be... That's like our parents going like, I remember when you used to have to crank the car to get started. Yeah. Or the phone or whatever. Crank the phone to get started? Yeah. Like, I used to run

Yeah, what were they doing? What is this? Your fucking house has a crank phone, dude. I know. My house has like, it's like an old fucking house, so they kept like the OG phone in there. I have to be like cute. But like what is this doing? I think it's a fucking centrifugal motion kind of producing energy kind of thing. You know what I mean? Here we go. Dude, I love.

It's not centrifugal motion, but it's producing energy somehow by resistance. Kind of like the same way that Teslas get... They charge their batteries when you're on a break. You know what I mean? You idiot! Thank you. Yeah, I think so. You are so dumb. Yeah, I don't know. I'm just taking a stab at it. So you think that the crank on the phone is...

You said centrifugal energy? I think it's making energy. I think it's making the electricity. Are you just Arsenio hauling like false folks? I actually like that answer now that I listened this time. Oh.

I think that's what's going on. Same thing with the car, but the car was like, I don't know, you're turning it over? I don't know. Yeah. Did you guys ever get caught watching porno? Like at your parents' house? Dude, my mom's password was nomoreporno. One person's way too excited. Mom? One person was like...

Hell yeah. Still do. I had like a close call. Still do. I had one close call where like I'm like upstairs. I hear her like come home and I'm like, oh my God. And like back in the day when you have like all your shit on like a disc. Right, right, right, right, right. And I'm like popping discs out, hiding discs, getting pants up.

Wiping brow. And then she just comes up and goes straight to the bathroom. Doesn't even look in the room. And I was like, oh, I'm fucking... She's great. Mom was like... She might have had... She's like, what's up, Dershow? Fuck.

But it was one of those moments where you're like, okay, things are about to go this way. Things are about to go that way. Like it could have been a very different lifestyle. Like she would have had that on me to this day. Like when she comes to like see my children at my house, she'd be like, well, I wonder where you're going to catch this one jerking off like I taught you, but she didn't. And so now we never, so you never got caught. That's cool. Not on purpose. What I,

Wait, what? I remember there was a tell that I knew when my parents were coming home because there would be like a garage door. You set up home alone traps? Oh, my God. I would lay potato chips out and if they heard the crunching... Yeah, you had like old spy kids gear. Yeah.

Yeah. No, it was like when, because we lived in a cul-de-sac, so when the car would turn, it would reflect the light onto the wall, and so I'd be sitting there looking at the porno. I can't even imagine how good you got it. Like, light flash, we do this, we do that, we do this, we're here, and I'm cooking popcorn.

Exactly. Then it got fucked because all the tornadoes would happen when it would pop up, pop up, pop up, pop up, pop up. You'd have to just seriously fucking unplug the computer and then hope that nothing broke. You just punch your fist through the computer screen. Fuck it. I don't know what happens.

and someone was in the house. Dude, well, I have a crazy story about the tornado that would happen. I'm going to come. I remember... Which a tornado is just pop-ups galore. It's just pop-ups. You can't stop. Back when there used to be pop-ups all the time. And I remember I was a senior in high school and I hear the garage door open up. And we used a tiny house. So like once the garage door is opening up, she's walking in and...

Under 10 seconds. Oh, dude, you know exactly how much time you have to put it away. And so I couldn't... There were so many pop-ups and I'm trying to exit out of them and my pants are on my ankles and my...

And I like jump off and hobble to the couch and jump on the couch and then throw the giant throw pillow over my, and then shimmy up. Don't even get my, don't do that to that pillow. We don't know this. Oh boy. And then shimmy up my, my pants. And my mom comes, she's like, how's school today? And I'm like, it's fine.

Get out of here. You have a boner. School's fine. Get out. It's fine. Why are you even asking? And then my mom bought the shittiest computer that she could buy. And it was making like, it was like, man,

Right. The one with the cow. It was a gateway. It was like, and she's like, this dang thing makes so much noise. I'm like, don't worry about it. I'll take care of it.

She also was like, what are you doing? And I'm like, watching TV. The TV's not on and the remote is on the other side of the couch. Classic. Could have just said napping. I could have said napping with my pants around my ankles. Trying out the couch. It's a new 17-year-old thing. And my mom walks over to the computer screen. She looks at it. And my mom's a pretty open-minded person. I think if she saw me...

You know, I'm 17 years old, 18 years old. I think she'd been like, all right, you're, you know, I get it. You're a hormonal teenager. But she looks at me and she goes, you're fucking disgusting.

That's rough. Not very open. Opposite of open. Closed. It's just porno. That's what I said. She goes, what if Brittany looked at this? Brittany's my little sister. I go, I don't give a shit. Also just weird. What if she did? I'm like, what if she did? I don't know. I'm not showing it to her. She's a teenager too. I'm sure she's seen stuff like this. She's super horny. She's like,

What? Dirt. Chill. Chill. He doesn't have a sister. He doesn't know how gross that is. They're like hella horny though, right? And then she marches upstairs and then I go look at the computer screen and it was a pop-up that had popped up and it was hot brother on sister incest action. Yeah, goodbye. Goodbye.

You know what, though? Let's get down to the fucking bottom of this. Let's do it. All right, let's do it. What's up, man? Let's do it. We're talking porno. It's science. And I feel like they listen to the podcast. We're in a church. Who does? Okay. We're talking porno.

If you're the people who run like Pornhub or whatever. Oh, yeah. Why are you like putting all... It was Sublime Directory at the time. The like step brother, sister, mother stuff. What are we doing? I don't know, dude. Who's asking for this? I don't know. Nobody's asking for it. Well, are those generated by users? Like, is it like that's the demand and you're seeing the supply right there? Is that what's going on? So then who's asking for it?

for it out there. Cut it out!

Yeah, I know. It's like there's not a lot of taboos. What happened to just big titties? What happened to long dicks? It's okay. We're not doing that anymore. Big butts aren't good enough. It's got to be your mom's big butt. What happened to long dicks? Your boobs are killing. Dude. I'm just like. It's fucked up. I don't need this. It's wild. But the Brady Bunch was doing it, right? Whatever happened to just Oreo.com?

Fair enough. Fair enough. Dude, long dicks is the funniest thing to type into a search engine. Long dicks. Not even big. Specifically long. Narrow, lengthy. Narrow and long as hell. Slim longs. I actually like to type in slim longs. It's...

And surprisingly, a lot of options pop up. It's like just Twizzler dicks where you're like, whoa, that's long. Wow. Weirdly skinny. And strawberry flavored. Yeah. Holy moly, it looks like an earthworm. Earthworm Jim. Yeah, that'd be weird if somebody had that. I wanted to say Earthworm Jim too. That'd be crazy if somebody had that. Right? But the cool, like they'd be your coolest friend, right?

Yeah. So then I had to go upstairs and explain to my mom what Pornados were. Yeah. And what pop-ups were. And like...

To my mom's credit, she believed me immediately. Right, she loves marketing. Which I could totally have just been like jerking off to incest porn like a fucking creep. No, she's like, bro, I'm going to stop you right there. I know what a tornado is. That's not what I'm freaked out about. All right, okay. I bought the computer for a reason. For a reason. Everyone bought their computers for the same reason. It is sad when you get your computer and it's brand new and you're like...

I'm going to make this dirty. Here we go. I know. Do you have like times where you're like, I'm not using this device for that? I don't do it. iPads stay clean. iPad stays clean. I guess you're touching it a lot. So no, but like they just, they stay like, you know, on the up and up. Yeah. Virgin. You never have to clear your history on the iPad. Every other device. My friend's dad had a garage computer. Yeah.

Jesus. Dude, TV in the car, garage computer. Dude, if you tried to... No, he's my friend's dad. He had a garage computer. And if you tried to touch this garage computer, he could be anywhere in the house, and he'd be like, don't touch that! You're not going to want to open that. Do not touch that! Garage. Let me just close...

Yeah, okay. You guys can play Read a Rabbit. Go ahead. What are you doing in that? Moon Blaster. That's not Oregon Trail. Get off that.

All right, Duke Nukem, you guys have fun. Duke Nukem. Duke Nukem's inside. Duke Nukem's inside. Duke Nukem's inside. No, come on. Duke Nukem's inside. Come on. You boys want to play Doom. I can tell. You want to play Doom. You don't want the garage. That's inside. There's no memory on that. That's inside. This computer, the worst computer.

I'm going to lock the store behind you, but this computer, not good. Adam, are you tapping the freaking Rockies? Hey, can we get a couple more beers out here, actually? Isaac, can the silver bullet train roll through or freaking what? Yeah. Have you guys ever seen that train? Here comes Isaac. Our manager, Isaac. World famous manager to the stars.

World famous manager starts right here. Oh, thank you for the water. That was so considerate of you. Isaac, take your shirt off for the fans. Isaac, take your pants off for me. Take your pants off for me right now. So far, we're 0 for 5 on the live shows getting him to take his shirt off. Isaac seemed like super grumpy today. That's really weird. Must be the altitude. Remember what?

Remember when I said I had a friend with a garage computer? Mm-hmm. Isaac? It's your manager, Isaac. You mean 30 seconds ago? Yeah. You grew up with him? It's my manager, Isaac. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. I don't know about you guys, but I feel this year has gone by so quickly. I became a father this year. Can you believe that, guys? Huge. And the baby that I named Bo is growing bigger every day. Let me tell you, life goes by like that.

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Wow, the mountains really are blue. That's pretty cool.

You know, this stuff is made to chill. Absolutely. So we had to read like advertising copy, and I think we might be the world's worst at it ever. Do you guys hear the ads? Laughing too hard. He's like, yeah, they're bad. I don't think we're bad at it. I think we're great.

I'm horrible at it. I know. I know. My shit's very bad. Thank you. Yeah. Well, I guess let's find out. Let's... Who think... If you think... You good? Kyle is the best or I'm the best or Dirt's the best or Blake is the best. Thank you. All right. So let's go. Do you think Kyle's the best? Oh, that's cool. It's better than the boo. That's better. Do you think I'm the best? Yes.

Slightly more, slightly more. Dears is the best. Give me a hell yeah! Similar amount, maybe a little more. Feels like it's going up. Blake is the best.

You deserve the best one. That's cool. It's unanimous. We're all the same. That's very cool, you guys. Thank you. Yeah. Very cool. I don't know whether to wear that as a badge of honor or what. Yeah, you're a fucking sellout. You're so good at selling products, you fucking mark. What did I get you to buy, dude? Dude, they all own a tushy.

What'd you buy? They all own some Manscaped. He doesn't know. Yeah, the toothbrush. What was the toothbrush? It's really cool if everybody's like, better help, I'm fucked. Super crazy. Thank you, dude. But thank you. I'm working on it. Hell yeah. That is good. But seriously.

Well, buzz balls, obviously. Better help works. Yeah, that's true. That's true. Hey, and for those of you who have them, I think it might be time for you to buzz off, baby. Is there anybody who got a buzz ball that hasn't drunk it yet? Hey. And why not? Yeah, feel free to buzz off. What are you doing? What are you saving it?

There we go. That's a valid reason. You can drink when you're pregnant. Wait, she said because she's pregnant? Don't drink it, please. No, you can. I'm not telling you you should, but you can. It depends on what trimester, but if you're in the third trimester, only three buzz balls a night. That's true. And this isn't medical advice. Dr. Devine.

Dr. Brozarks. Yeah, the Brozarks, dude. We might want to make... I heard that. That's an empty buzz ball. Thank you, sir. We might want to make that a segment though. Where people ask us about medical things and we give them our best advice. Yeah, that'd be a fun segment. Well, wait. Blake never answered. Did you get caught jerking off? Oh, I don't want to talk about it. Did you... Do you cyber ASL? No, actually... ASL. Wait. Wait.

Will you cyber with me? I'll cyber with you right now. Do you have your laptop?

No, I think the one time... Blake gets very uncomfortable with sexual talk. Wait, is it ASM or ASL? ASL. I said ASL. Oh, okay. What is that? Age, sex, location when you're in a chat room on AOL. I swear to God... And weirdly you're just talking to some like fucking gross dude from South Dakota. Dude, you're talking to a 50-year-old man. Age, sex, location. Who's like 19, female, Tampa. And you're like, there's no fucking way. Yeah.

But, hey, man. You're naked? I think the one story I heard is that my dad, he was... Oh, okay.

What's your dad's ASL again? No, my dad had a spot with him and a homie or his roommate. And they were, you know... Okay, so he had an apartment with a friend. Yes. And they were both... He tries to cool everything up. My homie, my dad, my father...

He had a spot with a homie. My big papa. Rumeito. My father. That's the best. My father. It was him and his buddy Jim. They were two bachelors. And they had a table. They had a garage computer. No, this would be four computers, I believe. They had a coffee table. And on the coffee table were Playboys. Tight. And so I visited my dad. Wait, so how old were you when you'd go over there?

This was at a very young age, I recall. Because I don't have this memory, my father tells me this memory. The way you say father is so off-putting, Blake. You put so much panache on father, where you go, my father? I'm eight. My dad's making me watch pornos. This is why I don't want to talk about it. So you don't remember this? You just... Okay. No, so...

The way this story goes as far as my dad tells me. You can do my dad. Now he's your dad? Yeah. Now he's your dad? He was your father. What happened? Daddy tells me. My papa. That he came out of the hallway and I was at the coffee table flipping through a Playboy and he saw it and he just went, Blake. And then I just went...

Automatic. I had nothing else I could do. You just went like, Jenny McCarthy! But I feel like to this day, if I ever get caught doing anything I'm not supposed to do... You do corpse pose? Yeah. Right. Possum? You play possum.

And that's like fight, flight, or freeze. You're a freeze guy. Yeah. That's smart. Totally. Yeah. I just... My body goes limp. Nice. So that was really young. So you were just checking it out. Yeah. I was just looking at some... You weren't doing nothing. Big boobs. I remember the first time I was...

With my mom at a gas station, and there was just the rack of magazines. And you're short, so you're like at the down, nudie magazine area. And I just grabbed one, and I opened it, and I just was just like, oh, this woman's breast was so huge, she was holding it like a bazooka. That's fine. She was holding it like both hands on one. That's okay.

Oh, my God. And my heart stopped, dude. Yeah? He fell in love. And I did the exact opposite. My mom's like, what are you looking at? And I go, bazookas. This? This, mom? This is important. I go, this is important. I'm looking at a boobzookas, baby. Oh, boobzookas. You could do points for yourself on that. You know, bodies come in all sorts of shapes and sizes. Yes, points! Very good.

Yeah, my brother... Remember how at video stores there used to be the naughty section? Oh, yeah. Bradley Video had that back. Yeah, it was like Kurt and Dolph. So did the Neiman Brothers, I think is what we had. Neeland Brothers. Those were so sick. Mine was Main Street Movies. Yeah. All right. Hey, what was your guys individually? Oh, yes. Yeah, that... Okay, a lot of different ones. All right, Todd. That is interesting. Interesting.

Somebody's closet.

My mom's closet. Is that what you said? That was always so scary, though, to go back there. Like, you would just be like, I'm going to go do a real... We weren't allowed. Dude, scary. Well, because if you can't get caught, you don't want to get caught. You're a kid, and you're just like... Dude, you just play dumb. The amount of times I would play dumb where I would just go behind the curtain and walk in. Adam is a professional pervert. Like, shameless. Like, you just know the angles. When you're a kid, you just walk in, and you just go, and then they go, you can't be back here. And you're like...

where am I? I'm looking for Beethoven. Right. Beethoven second. Where are you? Yeah. Are you sure? Are you sure this isn't the B section with Beethoven? I just remember getting back there and seeing like, Felix the cat, which was like an animated porno. Oh,

What? No, it wasn't. It was Fritz. Fritz the cat. Thank you, sir. Fritz the cat. Felix the cat, I think, was actually for children. This dead ringer has that in his collection, I feel. Yeah. It looked like Kyle's brother, for sure. Fritz the cat was horny. Appreciate the collar. Appreciate the collar. Yeah, absolutely. What else was horny? So much. What else do I remember that I was? Hey, has anybody actually ate Rocky Mountain oysters? No.

Oh, yeah. We were talking about it. I think they're just saying that so we do it. That's like... Well, how about the question up here? Have any of you guys ever had Rocky Mountain oysters? I don't know what that is. It's cow balls. It's bull nuts. Or bull balls. I'd eat that right now if we had it. Would you really? You really would.

You know this about me. I'm a garbage can. That's true. I know, but like... Dude, you would just like, no problems, just fucking go after it? I don't think I could do that. Well, as long as it's like a thing that you can physically eat. If they're like, this is anthrax. Yeah, but doesn't the idea... When you eat it, I'm like, no, because I'll die right away. But if I won't die... But that...

Just the idea of knowing that I'm sticking a fork in nuts and then fucking eating that. No one's telling you to put a fork in it. You just pop it. Okay, I'm using my teeth to grind on nuts. I can't get that. You just throw it right down the gullet. I can't get that. I wouldn't be able to get that out of my head. Yes, Kyle, but you eat corn nuts, and that is grosser smelling than...

But corn nuts are not balls, dude. I've been with you on a road trip where you ate nothing but corn nuts and Code Red Mountain Dew. And to me, that was grosser than me eating mountain oysters or whatever the hell they're called. Wait, so usually it's the preferred method that they're deep fried? Yeah. Right? Not like pickled? So it's kind of like popcorn chicken, but it's like...

popcorn fucking nuts. But does it look like nuts? No, it doesn't look like nuts. What do you think nuts even look like, dude? What do you think the inside of nuts look like? I don't want to know! I know, that's why I don't want to eat it. Because the inside of nuts, I think it's just like a long ribbon that forms nuts and it folds in on itself and shit. And if I bought in, if I bit into that... Wait, why do you think the inside of testicles is fruit by a foot?

What the hell? I thought it was like just a big long tube that's all grouped together in leg form. No. And you could be right, but also...

Who gives a shit? I don't know. I don't know. I guess I do. I don't know that I would bite it. So, dude, Rocky Mountain, it looks like funnel cake? I don't understand. Are they good or is it like whatever I did it on a dare kind of thing? I'm seeing like a this. A this? Wow, that's a really heavy endorsement. I want one dude to be like, they're my favorite. They're good. All right.

I bet it's filled with a lot of nutrients. I feel good. I bet it's got a lot of nutrients in there. Well, I do feel like, who's that guy on Instagram? Liver King? Yeah, Liver King. Isn't he always just taking... The guy with my body? Yeah, go ahead. Nerf football nuts and just going... I know. It's so funny. It's so funny that now... Actually, yes, he does eat nuts. Yeah. Yeah.

It's so funny that now in order to get famous on the internet, you have to be like, I do something totally crazy and that's how I got this. And then you find out he's just on a ton of steroids. I know, dude. What the fuck? Hey, what's up? I'm like sharpened teeth guy. I'm going to make macaroni tonight. And you just watch them because you're like...

This guy seems cool. Sharpened his teeth. And then you find out it was just a grill. Yeah, it's just a grill. Something to deal with. Heartbreaker. Should we do some of these? We're doing topics now. Oh, shit. Where we take topics from the news, trying to get topical, trying to get all polycharged. Here we go. Here comes Isaac again. Watch out. Sneak attack. Sneak attack. What just happened? What just happened?

Take your fucking shirt off, you weirdo. Why is your shirt off? Isaac, it's Colorado. Show me your butthole, weirdo. You're weird. You said you would do it in Denver, dude.

The entertainment industry is just different. I guess not. And it's a different standard, so don't... I guess not. So, apparently, Singapore Airlines, which I recently took them, very nice airline, refunds passengers $1,400 because a dog farted on them for 13 hours straight. Wait, what? What?

Yeah, dude. Well, that can't be true. The dog is farting for 13 hours. Don't get me started. From Paris to Singapore, a dog was just fucking housing them with farts. Here's what you do. Their names are Gil and Warren Press. Of course. And they say they ended up sitting next to a dog.

Yeah. Ders hates dogs on flight, so I was giving him a look. And its owner, during the 13-hour trek back in June, their name is the presses. The presses say the pooch bombed them for the entire flight.

Farting so badly, they eventually surrendered their premium seats and moved back to economy. Wow, they left the seats. Here's what I'll say. These people, where did they fly? To where? From Paris. Paris to Singapore. So these are French flights. Let me tell you something. Those flights probably cost like $30,000. Yeah. And they have a dog farting the entire time.

You're getting that money back. Apparently not, because they only got $1,400 back. Oh, really? You've got to try. You've got to try. I wonder if that was their plan. They're like, there's a dog here. These flights are very expensive. Let's just say he farted the whole time. That's not bad. Dude, you think maybe when the owner wasn't looking, they dropped some chocolate to the dog? I bet you they were the ones farting. Why don't they get chocolate makes a dog fart? It makes them die. It kills them. You know that, right?

I don't have a dog. Yeah. You got to give them some like Rocky Mountain oysters or something. Oh, yeah. I will say that when I'm on a plane, I don't fart. Science. Except. Impossible. Yep. If I'm up front in my little like the little cubicle thing overnight, I'm lighting it up. If the lights are out and there's room...

Fuck you. But otherwise you don't do it? No, if I'm like, if I'm here with people, like right here, obviously you're not going to do it, right? I don't like this. Exactly. Like already the proximity of just like heartbeats is weird. To fart, not okay. But when you get those like, the fucking like things in the front and the lights go out. Yeah.

So this dog felt the same way. Yeah. I'm just saying, you have room, you have space, and like, I don't know, fuck it. Just turn the air on and rip it. And also, these guys, they kind of seem like they might be dicks, Gil and Warren, because they say that the gas was only half the battle. To me, that would be the full battle. Okay, that's fair. Because they also had to contend with the pup, which looks to be...

Bulldog makes was snoring pretty loudly. Yeah, they can't breathe either. Wait, dudes. What? My driver to the airport this morning was snoring while driving. And I was like... I kept going... Hey, man, how much longer? Because I was like, is he sleeping? I know cars drive themselves now, but what is happening? You can't do this. Did you look...

At his eyes? I couldn't. He had like those sick like oil spill sunglasses on. He had eyeballs on him. And he was like this. And I'd be like, how much longer? And he'd be like, immediately he'd go, seven more minutes, Playboy. Seven more minutes. He said, Playboy? He said like, my guy or something like that. He was cool.

But he was asleep. He probably just rocks a CPAP, you know? He's got a CPAP, but he can't breathe. Yeah, that sounds like a cool 90s movie when, like, a kid is doing something in a trench coat. Right. And they got, like, a little recorder up here that every time he says something, he just pushes it, and it's just an adult going, seven more minutes, playboy. Right. And it was somebody like... It's a talkback. It was a kid. But, dude, I'm, like, on my phone, and then I hear, like...

And I would look up like, was that like a rumble strip? I love the thought of this dude just in straight up Oakley's, like just like the seatbelt is holding him up. It was like, I was like alarmed and it's early as fuck. I was like, I can't wait to get to Denver. I can't wait. So it was early and I'm like, you're wearing all your gear. You're ready. The whole thing fully zipped. He's ready. But I was like, is my guy sleeping? Yeah.

That's really scary. Yeah, that is frightening. Anyway. I'm glad you're here, Anders. I'm glad you made it, man. That could have been bad. We got another topic here. You want to hit me with something? Okay, yeah. Here we go. The Lauren, I want to say her name is Bober. How did you know? They already knew. They are Colorado's finest. Because she's a Colorado's.

Congresswoman? Political figure. We're getting polycharred. The whole room's getting polycharred. It's polycharged. Hey guys, we'll settle it. Hold on, it was that chair? Is that the one right back there? Is that where it happened? It was across the street. It was nearby. And we've seen the incident. We've reviewed the tape. I didn't know this woman. I'm not very polycharged myself.

Big fan now. She gets it. She gets it. The fact that she was at Beetlejuice the show, I'm like, cool. Yeah, that's a show I do want to see. Did anybody else see Beetlejuice when it came to town? Wait, yeah. Wait, was anybody at the Beetlejuice show where she was getting the boobs squashed off? No, seriously. Were you there?

Okay, thank you. Yeah, that was weird because you said woo and then you didn't anyway, what's this fucking I mean you guys saw the video it is very cool She's got she like just met this guy

Because she like broke up with him immediately following the tape being released. Right. It was like a Tinder type setup. And I'm like, I haven't had many dates that went that well. Right. First date, watching Beetlejuice. Just at Beetlejuice. Vaping. Just hard jiggling a titty next to me. Dude, it's like, here you go. She's just...

Here we go. Hard vaping. Here we go. Let's see. I think I got this. He's going to do something. A little Beetlejuice action. But yeah, it's like, do you want a Bo-Bert? Is that a thing now? Like, hey, you want a Bo-Bert? Oh. Stop. They're not that big. They're not that big.

That's a long ass intro. It's very long. You can just turn that off. Is this the song from Beetlejuice? Yeah, remember they're like at the dinner table and like the shots They start to float and shit. The mom from Home Alone. I feel like everybody here is like like really like still in pain from this event. Like she really hurt you, didn't she? Sorry about that, guys. Guys, it's

It's fine. We don't give a fuck. Yeah, nobody cares. It's fine. Couldn't care less about this woman getting her titty jiggled at Beetlejuice. And vaping. Hardcore vaping. That's kind of the best part. And also, the news was saying, and this might be fake news, that she was like jerking the guy off. I didn't see a lot of that. I didn't see that in the tape either. I don't feel like that's inflammatory. I love that Adam really did review the tape. I watched every angle I could. Well, yeah, it

I'm telling you, it did look like it was right here. It was like the camera was up there. Kyle, it wasn't. I like to think Adam was doing one of those CSI things where for some reason they always say, enhance. Right, right. It's just me at home alone on my laptop. Enhance. You don't understand it. Enhance. Enhance. She was accused of jerking the guy off as well. Enhance. Enhance.

Wait, go back. Wait. Enhance. What the hell is that? That. Enhance. Enhance.

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Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. So we're also doing some hot Q's and hot A's, guys. So we got some Q's here and we're going to deliver some A's. Okay, hell yeah. Okay, so Allie says, if you had to sacrifice one member of the group to Satan. Okay. Oh, fuck. That's tight. To save the world, who would you pick? To Satan? Sacrifice one to Satan? Fuck.

Well, I feel like maybe Ders has the closest relationship to Satan. Satan. So I feel like he would have the most possibility of, like, being Satan's homeboy. And what makes you say that, if I may? Just the fact that you talk about, like, drowning animals a lot. Satan.

sacrificing animals. It's different. I feel like Blake, because Blake would just be down. He'd be like, yo, sick goat hoofs. Dude. Well, it depends on how scary Satan is. Is it really that bad or is it like...

Like Shredder's Lair in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Yeah, where it's actually sick. There's great skateboarders and cool video games and stuff. Yeah, everybody's just sort of skateboarding. Everyone's chain-smoking cigarettes. It seems kind of fun. It's like you want regular or menthol. Right. Or is it like the horse at the Denver airport? Oh. One of our producers is like, get ready to see Satan's horse at the fucking airport. And then we drove past...

A horse. Yeah. Well, it's like spiky hair too. Yeah, sure. That's what happens to horses in the altitude. Come on. Yeah, true. Come on. Their eyes turn bright red. So you would send me to Satan.

That's fine. Out of the four of us, no, I wouldn't want to send you, dude, but Ali wanted to know, and I think you would have the closest relationship to him. You would have the best time. Thank you, man. I like that. Kyle, who would you send? Who would you send?

I don't know. I might just walk right over there and just be like, I got it. That's cool. Thank you. Sacrifice yourself. That's so big of you. Just for nobility's sake. Yeah, I'd be noble. That's not what that is, but that's big of you. Yeah. Blake? That's not nobility? No. Oh. I hate to say it, Adam, but I'm saying you, buddy. Why? Thanks, dog. I think you would take over as the new Satan. I think you'd be a great Satan.

Honestly, I see that for myself. New Satan? Yeah. That makes a lot of sense. The young pope, the new Satan. Maybe I'm just thinking about the Volcano Nachos commercial where you painted red, and I'm like, that's fucking cool. Volcano Nachos. Yeah. Changes a man. You're just like a rock and roll. That's new Satan. Yeah. Yeah, I'm just pushing hot Taco Bell flavors on the world. They're like, this seems not that evil at all. This is just like spicy nacho cheese. Perfect.

Just wait. Just wait because... Yeah. Yeah, that's how I get you. All right. That's how I get you. So Josh Hyatt wants to know, what was the funniest episode of Workaholics to film? The funniest to film? Oh.

I'll just say anything where Jet Set had lots of lines. Actually, yes. RIP Jet Set. Thank you, guys. Solid goal. This dude would just like, or we let him go off the cuff and improvise and he would be great. I think specifically when he was going up against Daniel Stern, that was when it was them and they had

like three pages to go back and forth. Yeah. So Jet Set, for the people that aren't super familiar with Workaholics, was this older black gentleman that was an extra in the show and immediately we were like, we have to get this guy. His name is Jet Set. Because he would like... Yeah.

his hair down and it was parted in the middle. And dress crazy. Crazy. He was just crazy. Turns out he was a lunatic. Yeah, he was a little nutso, but like he was our little nutso. Yeah. And that's what was so fun about Workaholics is we got to give these total lunatics...

and make them sort of semi-famous. Right. Give me a hell yeah! And we like, he would sell shirts down in Venice and stuff, and I'm like, dude, hustle. Do your thing. Yeah. They all had our faces on them. We're like, okay. All right, well.

Copyright thing. Yeah, that's fine. That dude would crack us up. You do you. You do you. That's my cactus. Love Michael Jackson. Alex S. wants to know, do your wives slash girlfriends know each other or like each other? What if they didn't know each other?

at all. So what's the question? We've known each other for 25 years. Secret girlfriends. And longer for you guys. We're like... Do they know each other and like each other? There's business and there's personal. Guys, guys, the women are gathering. The women are gathering. Break it up. I will say this.

They're on a specific text chain about this tour. They're just like, checks and balances. Yeah, we were lucky enough to do Long Beach yesterday, and they got to come out and watch, so they know we're just talking about diarrhea and stuff. Yeah. Oh, yeah, these guys aren't getting laid on the road. Well, Chloe told me, I was like, what do you think of my beard? And she goes, well, it's nice to know that no girl will ever want to fuck you again. Yeah. Yeah.

It is weird. No girl has said, I really like your beard. It's just bros being like, it's actually pretty sick. He's been getting real on the tour. It's been awesome for you, man. He do the beards for the bros. Beards for bros. I wish someone would rail me. What's that, Durs?

Next question is... So Lily K wants to know, if you were all put into a death thunder dome, which one of you would win and why? So this is like a fist fight to the death or do we have weapons?

What's a death thunderdome? There's weapons in the thunderdome. Kyle, do you ask if we have weapons because there's like one? You think you're like really good at this? No, no, no, no. I just want to know if it's like chains and whips, knives. What is it? Or if it's fists. You know, if it's an old-fashioned like greaser rumble or whatnot. Partly he thinks it's Kyle based on like how much he's thought of this already. I just want specifics. I just want the playing field to be real. I would only say...

I would only say it's Kyle and because he is the weakest out of all of us. Okay. By a large margin, I would say. Large margin. I worked out with you the other day. Weakest, okay, in terms of muscles, yeah. In terms of strength, yes. In terms of raw strength. In terms of,

What strength is. Yes. You're right. Yes. But I do think you have a rage that is inside of you. Mental fortitude. And if it was life or death, you would eat my face. I hear what I want. I hear mental fortitude, not rage. Yeah. Kyle's the kind of guy who you're like, all right, we're going to box. And then he rips your face off.

And you're like, I didn't know we were going to do that. Yeah, Kyle can access that strength when you hear about car accidents where mothers bend steering wheels and just fucking knock doors off. Yeah, you guys know when you hear about mothers bending steering wheels.

You know what? Maybe it was just a comic book I read. I don't know. That's cool. There's no way. I'm going to college, though. Just say lifting cars. No, they bend steering wheels. I've heard about mothers bending steering wheels. I don't know. I think you guys are just giving this to me. I'm going to let that one sit. I think you guys are just giving this to me. I don't know that this is the true answer. Well, because there's no way to find out unless...

Yeah, no, I take my, Kyle wouldn't win. Did you see those kicks? Yeah, dude. They were fake. Dude, I worked out with him the other day and I was like, this guy would never win in the Beth Thunderdome. Yeah. We did used to do P90X, remember, when we would do P90X and do like,

kicks and shit and one time when we were getting really good at it we looked at each other and were like hey let's promise never to use these on each other I will say we were really good as an outsider from when these dudes all got on P90X they got so shredded

I was like, fuck, I wish I lived with these dudes. Because it was like an accountability thing. You guys all lost like 20 pounds and got ripped. Oh, yeah. It was great. Kyle tied his hair. Yeah, it was hot, dude. So Benita wants to know, why do transgender jokes get canceled? What? What?

Let's just move on to the next one. Let's move on to this one. Yeah, let's just go there. Very good question. Also, next question. Ethan wants to know, rank your cocks according to girth. No! That's disgusting! You want to see it? You want to see it? You want to see it? Uh...

Kyle. If I had to guess, I would say maybe Ders' cock, my cock, Blake's cock, Kyle's cock. Earthworm Jim over here, baby. Nothing like a dick that's wider than it is long. Am I right? That's what everyone's looking for.

What's wild is like it's one thing because like you kind of like, huh, I wonder which one of my friends has the biggest dick. No, the widest. Which was the widest? Widest. I don't even want to put myself in that head space. You're there right now, though. You're there now. Yeah, you're there. No, I'm not. In my mind, I'm at Oreo.com, motherfucker. Okay. Fair enough.

What else? Okay, settle the debate. Who has the best ass on TII? These are our personal... This has been settled. Yeah. I'm hearing a lot of Adam, which means it's me. Well, I was an old school Blake...

I agree. I think that Blake has the best ass. Thank you. And I would agree. Now I think Blake would because I haven't been able to work out for a year and a half. Right. Yeah, I don't know, but sometimes that makes the ass better. Hey, I'm telling you, it doesn't. Here's what I'm going to say. Great ass! I'm going to acknowledge, acknowledge. Yep.

Blake has the highest ass. If that's what you're looking for, like a high butt. I'm going to tell you right now, my ass has altitude, baby. Whoa, and I guess that's cool. Butt. Butt. The best? Just saying. Yeah, it's you? My butt cheeks are both, I'm just going to say my butt cheeks are both exactly the same. And you're laughing because you're like, well, yeah, of course they are.

Look in the mirror tonight. They're different. But mine are exactly the same. You have Olsen twin ass? I got a Mary-Kate and an Ashley. Damn. I got two little treasure troll looking girls for butt cheeks.

Hot, hot, hot, hot. And Dan wants to know, Adam... That's my case. Your blindness was caused by the Robitussin. I know, because it happened to me in high school after drinking a whole bottle. Dan...

I take Z-Quil, motherfucker. We got to check the ingredients, though. There's got to be something to that. Do you think there's nothing to that? Dude, I go to a lot of doctors, and I've gone to a neurologist. I've been to two different neurologists. I brought up the Z-Quil addiction, and they're like, that's fine. Don't be a bitch, dude. Don't you know it's non-habit forming? Yeah, it says right on the bottle, you bitch. I'm so excited! You fucking idiot. Okay, but what do this doctor's butt cheeks look like? Symmetrical? Symmetrical.

I don't think the doctor usually shows you his ass. Yeah, I don't know what kind of doctor you're going to. Yo, real quick, before I check you out, can you check me out? Are my butt cheeks the same? Yeah. So is there any... It's that time of the show. Is there any take-backs, any apologies? Any epic slams? Let's see. I would like to take back...

I'm kind of airing out all of my dirty laundry about jerking off as a child.

Yeah. And my mom does listen to podcasts, so she's going to have to hear from her friends how I watched incest porn as a child. Yeah. That's cool. Yeah. Nice, dude. She's, you know, she's fine. She's cool. Yeah, we don't have to talk about that. And then we do, and it's like, meh, it's fine. Yeah. Yeah. I'd like to apologize to my family for ruining their computer for years. Yeah.

My dad could... He didn't know what was going on. He couldn't fix it. What's cool is you think your dad didn't know what's going on. I

I'm a dad. I know what's going on. No, my dad... There's no way your dad wasn't like... Yeah, your dad was like on sites that you wish you knew about. I mean, my dad was a computer guy. He's a computer guy. He could not fix it. He could not get to the bottom of why it was broken. Yeah. Because you're also a computer guy. You covered your tracks. Exactly. You just filled it all up with Oreo.com. You're like, this guy can't get enough. Sorry.

I feel like I want to give it some epic giveaways. Don't you have some shirts to throw out or something? That's so epic. I sure do. Oh, there we go. That's so epic. Right? Adam is very slowly, carefully getting down onto his knees. Look at that cake. Look at that cake. Jesus. Look at that. You good? Woo! Woo!

I had surgery a month ago, guys. I'm doing great. Yeah, you are. You are. Give it up for him. Here we go. Here's some epic giveaways. Yeah, baby. I'm going to ball this fucker up. Launch that shit. See how far you can throw it. Hell yeah, dude. Maybe some epic giveaways. I'm going to throw this shit hella far, dude. Hell yeah. Damn. Damn. Hey.

Hey. Not to bring up a sore subject, but like, Durst, that was a great throw. You should be the Broncos quarterback. Oh, shit. Sorry, had to do it. Rough couple of days for you guys. I lie.

And I'm going to take that joke back. That's a good take back. That's your take back. Good stuff. Yeah, there's a lot of take back. Like, I don't want you guys to know I was old enough to use Prodigy. I'm going to take that back. Honestly, I don't even know what Prodigy is. I know. That's why I'm, like, scared I even brought it up. It's, like, it's one way to just say, I could have just been, like, so all my pubes are gray. I could have just said that instead. We just want to thank you guys. We love Colorado. It's awesome to be here. Thank you. Thank you. Ginger!

baby. I've been coming here for years and it is such an honor to come to Denver in this beautiful theater. And we just want to thank you guys. And this was another episode of This is Important!

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