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Hi, I'm Katie Lowe's and I'm Guillermo Diaz. And we're the hosts of Unpacking the Toolbox, the Scandal Rewatch podcast where we're talking about all the best moments of the show. Mesmerizing. But also we get to hang out with all of our old scandal friends like Bellamy Young, Scott Foley, Tony Goldwyn, Debbie Allen, Kerry Washington. Well, suit up, gladiators. Grab your big old glass of wine and prepare yourselves for even more behind the scenes stories with Unpacking the Toolbox podcast.
Listen to Unpacking the Toolbox on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Meet the real woman behind the tabloid headlines in a personal podcast that delves into the life of the notorious Tori Spelling as she takes us through the ups and downs of her sometimes glamorous, sometimes chaotic life in marriage. I just filed for divorce. Whoa. I said the words that I've said like in my head for like 16 years.
Listen to Misspelling on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Angie Martinez, and on my podcast, I like to talk to everyone from Hall of Fame athletes to iconic musicians about getting real on some of the complications and challenges of real life.
I had the best dad and I had the best memories and the greatest experience. And that's all I want for my kids as long as they can have that. Listen to Angie Martinez IRL on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Want to know how to leverage culture to build a successful business? Then Butternomics is the podcast for you. I'm your host, Brandon Butler, founder and CEO of Butter ATL. And on Butternomics, we go deep with today's most influential entrepreneurs, innovators, and business leaders to peel back the layers on how they use culture as a driving force in their business. Butternomics will give you what you need to take your game to the next level. Listen to Butternomics on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Hello everybody and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology.
Hello, everybody. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world, it is so great to have you here back for another episode as we, of course, break down the psychology of our 20s. All right. We talk a lot about emotions on this podcast. That is basically my bread and butter. We've
But one that we have missed all this time is resentment. And I was kind of thinking about why. And the reason I came to is probably because it's kind of an ugly emotion. At least that is what I think society would like to convince us. Resentment is that deep sense that we have been wronged, that we have been double-crossed, treated unfairly, mistreated. And sometimes people confuse that with resentment.
entitlement and feeling like we deserve more or better than what we have received. I tend to disagree. I think the root of resentment is respect and a sense of fairness. And when we feel resentful of somebody, it shows that we respect ourselves enough and we have enough sense of self-worth and self-esteem to know when somebody has crossed a line. We're not always
the best at handling that resentment though. Even if it does come from a justified place, it can sometimes blind us, blind us with disappointment, blind us with anger or bitterness. It can cause us to lash out or sometimes to end relationships we otherwise would have saved. I think it's the behavioral response to resentment that
is what we see as ugly. But more than that, it's our shame. It's our shame around how our resentment causes us to act and to behave. So few of us have been really taught how to manage reactions like the ones caused by resentment. And what can emerge is a pattern of suppression and eventually explosion.
I've been considering this a lot in my own life recently, especially when it comes down to friendship. And it's something I know I really have to reach some kind of peace with. You know, to be vulnerable for a second, I think I've definitely been feeling a bit of resentment around it.
feeling taken advantage of or like my efforts and some of my friendships have been taken for granted recently and it's left me feeling kind of bitter and unacknowledged. Unacknowledged is probably the best word for it. And what I've come to realize is that when it comes to resentment, you have three options and only one of them is actually helpful.
You can let it control you, which often means fixating on past grievances or trying to justify your emotions, not letting bygones be bygones. You can let it consume your life and your relationships without ever giving anybody the opportunity to address it or to give you a differing version of reality. You could ignore it, which is
basically the same as the above. It just delays the inevitable. It's going to produce the same outcome. Your resentment will take control and most likely result in some kind of loss. It's not to say that sometimes that's necessary. Sometimes people have wronged you and your resentment is coming from a healthy place. But the final option, and I think that involves the example I just gave, is sitting with it, validating your response, and
and why it was only natural to kind of feel that way given the circumstances. You can really take away the shame of feeling what others might call entitled or what others might call ugly. And a step beyond that, you can address it with those around you. I think maturing is realizing that bringing up grievances or slights or problems is actually one of the biggest signs that you truly care about the other person, you care about the relationship and
But also you care about yourself enough to endure the awkwardness and the tension of trying to improve things. You know, it really does show a commitment to wanting to be there or at least a commitment to giving yourself some kind of answer. So I think resentment is such a maze. It's such a complicated emotion.
emotion. Let's talk about how we can navigate it today. I want to speak on its psychological origins, its purpose, you know, even though it's a quote-unquote ugly emotion, we know all emotions have a function, but also its consequences and its expression, how we can find a healthy resolution despite our often knee-jerk reaction to lash out in response to resentment. I'm
Whatever it is that has called you to this episode, whether it is a lack of recognition at your job, an unequal friendship or relationship, an unresolved conflict, a broken promise, I hope you can find some answers and if not, at least you find some clarity and some information. So without further ado, let's get into it.
Resentment has a lot of different sources. The biggest one being a sense of unfairness or mistreatment, as we spoke of before.
Each of us has some kind of perception about how we should be treated and what we deserve from those around us. It's something that we develop pretty early on by watching how others are treated, experiencing how our parents treat us, what they tell us is right or wrong, how we feel when we are treated poorly, and of course, our self-esteem and our sense of self-worth.
Things that we commonly believe we deserve are pretty basic. I would say these aren't controversial. Every single person alive today deserves respect and recognition, deserves kindness, reciprocity. You know, we want to feel like our emotional, physical, social, mental, all those contributions are matched. We want to feel valued and loved and cared for.
These are often our basics, the bare minimum of what is expected from others as a human being. And if you have a healthy sense of self-esteem and sense of self-worth, then
You don't feel like it's too much to ask for, for people to meet these emotional needs or these basics of respect, knowing that you would treat them the same way. These are, as I said, the fundamentals, the most basic things. Obviously, the more we trust someone, the more we may come to expect from them. Yes, you know, your boyfriend or
or your best friend and a stranger on the street should both show you respect and kindness, but we might expect our best friend to show us things like generosity, more reciprocity, more kindness than we would expect from
from a stranger. Studies have shown that resentment is most powerful when it is felt towards someone close to us. We are less likely to experience as intense amount of resentment towards that stranger than towards someone that we love because our expectations of them and our trust in them is more significant, is higher.
Essentially, resentment emerges when our expectations about how we should be treated based on the individual, based on the context and our actions, our expectations are not met. And this can be triggered by a number of experiences like being taken advantage of. Maybe you're always paying for everything. You are always giving people gifts, never getting thank yous. You're always
putting down gas money and never getting that reciprocated. Another example is being put down or comments or criticisms that you think are unfair. You feel like someone is not seeing the situation the way you are or giving you credit. You maybe resent them for an assumption that they've made about you without full information or the fact that they feel like you don't have enough self-respect and that you would, you know, allow them to speak to you that way.
Being dismissed, I think, also fits into this category, feeling overlooked or unheard like at work when you put in the long hours and they don't turn into a promotion or a pay rise. Having your feelings or your interests neglected by someone you thought would care is another pretty serious example of
An example of this that really comes to mind for me is cheating. How can you not feel resentment around something like that? Being so vulnerable and open and trusting someone, letting them see you and kind of finding out that perhaps they just don't care. I think this comes back to perhaps the biggest source of personal and relational resentment. Having these kinds of relationships with people who insist that their needs are more important than your own.
It's interesting because a friend of mine was telling me the other day about how, unfortunately, her parents are getting divorced after being married for nearly 30 odd years. And she was really fine with me sharing the story, but she was explaining to me that her mom had basically never recovered from being the one who gave up her career. And it was meant to be temporary, but, you know, then her siblings were born and eventually she
Her dad basically had convinced her to stay at home permanently. And here she was, years later...
feeling like she hadn't fulfilled her potential harboring a decades-long resentment around her needs not being as important that she'd never really processed you know her needs were being put second she had these desires and these intentions for her life and she kind of resented I guess my friend's dad for never taking them seriously and I'm sure it's more complex than that but I think it's a really good example and there are so many stories exactly like that one
The thing is that sometimes it's hard to express why you feel the way that you feel. What is it about their behavior that is insinuating that somewhere deep down they don't respect you or you feel like they don't see you or they don't care about you? Here is the thing, though. You could search for that reason or you could search for that example that has made you feel resentful your whole life, for months, for weeks, forever.
And I don't actually think that you need a justification for your resentment to still feel that way. You know, obviously, you probably eventually need to know why you're feeling mistreated to be able to express that to the other person. But the explanation doesn't always come before the feeling. Normally, we feel resentful before we realize where it has come from.
Maybe I should explain this a little bit better. Basically, the emotion needs to come first before we can rationalize them. If we think we need some reason to feel a certain way, to feel an emotion, we will always suppress or diminish our feelings because our reaction always precedes our explanation. If we ignore it, that is when we see so many of the negative consequences that we were discussing before.
So the signs that what you're feeling is actually a symptom of resentment include anger. That is the biggest reaction to injustice that we probably come across. And, you know, emotions are not solely confined to our minds. They also take residence in our body. So we might feel physically tense, physically enraged. Our heart rate might go up in response to an event or a situation that has made us feel resentment. Hostility is another big one.
One theory I read on this was that hostility is actually more of a protective mechanism to keep someone at a distance who has hurt us by coming off cold or kind of numbing ourselves to their presence or our own emotional reaction by shutting down. Basically, this person has hurt us. We don't want to let them in again. So we initiate a sense of hostility to keep them at bay.
Lashing out is kind of like this as well. The reason we often do this is a very primal urge to kind of fight back. You know, if someone is hurting us in a way, lashing out shows them that we can cause them the same level of pain. So essentially it's being like, don't mess with me. We respond to the threat as we would call it. It's very evolutionary, a very instinctual explanation, but one we should definitely consider. Just a quick reminder here that
All of those feelings of resentment are valid. If you feel like you have been crossed, you're feeling a sense of injustice, that is something that you should definitely interrogate. But that doesn't mean that your behavior is valid.
hostility, lashing out. They might feel comforting, but it's also unkind. So try and really think about why you have this impulse before you let it rule you, before you let it control you. You don't want to suddenly be in a race to the bottom, you know, each of you responding to the other with even more negativity until the relationship is destroyed. You can be upset and
And I think still be looking for a solution or be civil or be able to respect yourself enough to not do something that you think will damage you further in the future or damage that relationship further. So another symptom is withdrawal, feeling like if you just kind of fade out of their life,
We don't really have to endure what is happening. We never really have to look for closure. Not the most mature solution. But again, we aren't necessarily acting from a place of maturity when we feel resentment. We are acting from a place of protection and impulse. What is going to make us feel better? What is going to make us feel safest? Sometimes it's emotional avoidance. Sometimes we also just don't have a choice anymore.
If the damage is done, if this person has hurt us, sometimes the only way to get over that is to be like, no, I'm sorry. I am fully done. I am fully ready to separate myself from this situation and there is nothing you can say.
Like I said before, it's when these reactions are suppressed that our resentment becomes most powerful. It's like putting a lid on a boiling pot. The pot is still boiling. Eventually, you're not going to be able to hold it anymore. You cannot suppress your resentment. And the solution to this is having a way to articulate what you're feeling. Because if there is one thing this episode leaves you with is that resentment is not a nasty or a bad emotion when it's given its due respect.
When we let it expand into entitlement and revenge and vengefulness, then it becomes unhealthy. But when we, you know, really get the chance to examine it, when we are able to label it and name it, it actually serves a lot of healthy functions. I think it's better to kind of think of your resentment, if we're going to reframe this,
Think of your resentment as an emotional alarm. It is an emotional symptom that something is wrong with your relationship, with your circumstances, with your expectations. It's a red flag that needs your attention. But when that is ignored, that is when it begins to consume your mental and emotional energy. For example, you know, if you're resenting your parents for something,
I don't know, not coming to see you over the holidays or spending more time with your siblings, whatever it is, that is a sign that you feel the relationship is unbalanced. That is the red flag. That is the alarm. So address that. Hear their perspective if you would like. I think when we open up about our resentment, we naturally remove some of its negative
some would say selfish components because resentment does tend to blind us to other people's perspectives because it's very centered on our own experiences. It's centered on our experiences, our expectations, our emotions. And sometimes that can make us blind to why somebody acted the way they did, not out of
cruelty, not out of a malicious place, but just from an unaware place. You know, you might resent your friend for being late because you feel like she doesn't value your time. And that is going to remain your interpretation. You are at the center. You are the one who is aggrieved unless you speak to her about it and you realize, you know, actually she's dealing with a lot of work stress. She's over committing. It's not that she doesn't value your time. It's that she doesn't value or organize her time because
And I've tended to find that resentment fades with more information. Another explanation about why resentment can be beneficial is that it kind of reveals to us what we value. We wouldn't have this visceral, intense feeling
kind of emotional reaction if we were apathetic towards our circumstances or to what's going on or to the person that our resentment is directed towards. Like I said, if it's a stranger who's not showing you respect or generosity or reciprocity, you kind of don't care. The reason we feel resentment so strongly, especially when it comes to like our partners or our family, is because we have a sense of expecting more from them.
If we value friendship, you know, we are going to resent our friends for not making an effort or for cancelling plans last minute because we value the friendship. If you value success and praise, you're going to resent not getting that or not getting the acknowledgement that you deserve for your hard work or your accomplishments. If you value loyalty, you resent feeling like you've been put second behind somebody else and
If you value freedom, I don't know, you will resent being caged or feeling like you have lost your independence. So resentment serves as a clue for A, what needs to change in our lives to bring us peace and B, what we value.
And finally, you know, some psychologists would suggest that it's a form of protest. I know I mentioned this before, I'm kind of repeating myself, but it's basically a way for our body and our mind to almost respond to an injustice by closing off emotionally, by depriving somebody access to us, by creating an emotional state that will influence our behavior and
To avoid being hurt again, to avoid having our ego kind of crossed, to maintain our sense of self-worth and respect. So those are three theories as to why we experience resentment so profoundly. It's an emotional alarm to something that needs to change in our lives. It is a sign of what we care about and it's a way of protecting us.
I want to offer one final perspective here. And you know what? I don't agree with it, but maybe it will resonate with you. I think it's important to always offer some other explanations just because they don't align with my beliefs doesn't mean there isn't some truth in them. One of the leading psychologists and researchers on resentment, Dr. Stephen Stoncy, he wrote some really fascinating articles around his belief that resentments
resentment is actually quite selfish and in his words, narcissistic. So he kind of believes that resentment actually shouldn't be normalized because it closes us off from others and it makes us defensive. He says that resentment is like anger. It actually cuts us off from higher emotions that would allow us to heal and repair. So when you experience resentment, it's best to kind of talk yourself out of it, to get over your ego, to forgive and move forward.
Listen, I get the sentiment. I totally do. But I think that you can get back to those higher emotions, as he calls them, without suppressing those initial feelings that have come up. I kind of get where he's coming from. I think resentment is somewhat self-centered, but not selfish. It's based on your reality, not on someone else's. That doesn't make it bad. When you don't have the closure from that experience and why it created resentment, when you are kind of told to just move on,
When you haven't worked through the why, I think you just re-enter a cycle where you can never get to a more enlightened and positive space, right? You might just end up staying in relationships that actually you have a real reason to feel resentful. You aren't treated with respect. You aren't given what you deserve. So actually you need to learn and listen to this feeling because it is kind of guiding your life. It is giving you an alarm to return to that former explanation.
So that's another perspective. There's a couple of perspectives, actually. You can choose which one you think best suits maybe the resentment that you experience. But the next question we obviously have is, what do we do about it? We don't want resentment to rule our lives, but we also can't avoid it. We can't just keep feeding the beast. We can't just keep suppressing it. So we're going to talk about how to move through it and so much more after this short break. ♪
Hi, I'm Katie Lowes. And I'm Guillermo Diaz. And now we're back with another season of our podcast, Unpacking the Toolbox, where Guillermo and I will be rewatching the show. To officially unpack season three of Scandal. Unpredictable. You don't see it coming. It's a wild, wild ride. The twists and turns in season three. Mesmerizing. But also,
Also, we get to hang out with all of our old scandal friends like Bellamy Young, Scott Foley, Tony Goldwyn, Debbie Allen, Kerry Washington. So many people. Even more shocking assassinations from Papa and Mama Pope. And yes, Katie and I's famous teeth pulling scene that kicks off a romance.
And it was Peak TV. This is new scandal content for your eyes, for your ears, for your hearts, for your minds. Well, suit up, gladiators. Grab your big old glass of wine and prepare yourselves for even more behind the scenes. Listen to Unpacking the Toolbox on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Meet the real woman behind the tabloid headlines in a personal podcast that delves into the life of the notorious Tori Spelling as she takes us through the ups and downs of her sometimes glamorous, sometimes chaotic life and marriage. I don't think he knew how big it would be, how big the life I was given and live is.
I think he was like, oh, yeah, things come and go. But with me, it never came and went. Is she Donna Martin or a down-and-out divorcee? Is she living in Beverly Hills or a trailer park? In a town where the lines are blurred, Tori is finally going to clear the air in the podcast Misspelling. When a woman has nothing to lose, she has everything to gain. I just filed for divorce. Whoa, I said the words.
that I've said like in my head for like 16 years. Wild. Listen to Misspelling on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Cheaters and Backstabbers. I'm Shadi Diaz. And I'm Kate Robards. And we are New York City stand-up comedians and best friends. And we love a good cheating and backstabbing story. Welcome.
So this is a series where our guests reveal their most shocking cheating stories. Join us as we learn how to avoid getting our hearts broken or our backs slashed. Listen to Cheaters and Backstabbers on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts.
I'm Angie Martinez. Check out my podcast where I talk to some of the biggest athletes, musicians, actors in the world. We go beyond the headlines and the soundbites to have real conversations about real life, death, love, and everything in between. This life right here, just finding myself, just relaxation, just not feeling stressed, just not feeling pressed. This is what I'm most proud of. I'm proud of Mary because I've been through hell and some horrible things.
that feeling that I had of inadequacy is gone. You're going to die being you. So you got to constantly work on who you are to make sure that the stars align correctly.
Life ain't easy and it's getting harder and harder. So if you have a story to tell, if you've come through some trials, you need to share it because you're going to inspire someone. You're going to give somebody the motivation to not give up, to not quit. Listen to Angie Martinez IRL on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
At the very beginning of this episode, I presented you with kind of three options for dealing with your resentment. You can harbor, you can ignore, or you can release. I want to tell you about what happens to your body and your emotional state and your relationships if you choose number one or two. If you believe that resentment is better left unseen. If you believe that
As time goes on, it builds up and this causes a domino effect that turns into anger, bitterness, disappointment, potentially hatred. That is really explosive to our relationships because when we don't express why we are hurt, why we are angry, we don't really give the other person an opportunity to repair, to reflect, to fix things.
you know, basically you stonewall yourself in that relationship. There's no getting past it, which is quite sad. Obviously, sometimes, like I said, you know, I feel the need to justify this. Sometimes it's valid. Sometimes it's necessary. But I think about a couple of friendships I lost when I was a teenager or in my very early 20s that I think I really could have saved if I'd swallowed my pride and been honest about what I was finding issue with. You know, I never gave those people...
The chance that I'm sure, you know, I now would and that I'm sure some of my friends have given me when I've messed up, when I've not met the expectations for our relationship. It's kind of like the moment you feel resentment is the moment that the relationship ends if your only option is to ignore it or to harbor it. It can also have more long-term effects such as, you know, the development of a very hostile, cynical attitude derived from
from emotional pain, which can eventually become a barrier against future healthy relationships. This is a hard one because inherent to letting go of our resentment is also an element of forgiveness and letting things settle and be excused for your own sake. Let's be real for a second. There are some people we cannot give that to. The transgression has been too great. The hurt has been too much.
But in those moments, it's important to remember that your resentment is there to protect you and to reinforce what you do deserve. But that doesn't mean that it should numb you. It doesn't mean that it should hold you back or that it should teach you that the world is harsh and that people are inherently mean. You know, your resentment can be reserved for that one person and resolved by taking the action to distance yourself without taking over.
Chronic resentment, especially directed towards people who remain in your lives but with whom we never address it, can also start our emotional growth. It creates a lot of difficulty in self-disclosure, right? Trouble trusting others. If we are constantly ruminating on this instance in which we felt let down or we felt kind of burned or excluded or that made you feel like
You were double cross, whatever it is. It's going to make you the kind of person who goes to trust other people, who goes to open up to other people and is reminded about this previous experience and immediately shuts down.
That is, I think, the emotional consequence that we have from shaming our resentment or from feeling like the only choice is either I have to forgive this person completely or I have to just move on and suppress what I've gone through. And it also has physical consequences, which I think we don't often speak about in this conversation. If there is one thing we talk about so much on this podcast, it's that emotions have a
I think if you've ever read The Body Keeps the Score, you would know that. I speak about it so often. I'm so sorry to sound like, you know, a record on repeat.
But more often than not, you know, emotions are not just restricted to our minds. They manifest in our body through tension, through stress, through the release of cortisol and other stress hormones, through an increased heart rate or blood pressure. And again, Dr. Stoncy, who we spoke about before, he actually did some further research on this back in 2012 and 2013 and
And he found that in a number of patients that had prolonged chronic resentment, this can lead to the constriction of nerve endings in our muscles. That causes basically low-grade muscle and back pain. But it can also result in the destruction of T-cells, meaning that we get sick more often, our immune system is lowered, things like hypertension as well, substance abuse, depression, anxiety. What he basically says is that
Your resentment is making you sick. But does that mean that we need to go with the path of instant forgiveness? I think that we can move through it. So let's talk about the ways that we can release our resentment.
Firstly, there is so much that can be repaired by being open and soft and communicating how you're feeling. If this person is a friend that you've never had an issue with before or they are a really loving partner or a sibling, the best option, and I know it is one that often requires us to swallow our pride, is to talk about why you're feeling that way and to try and gain some perspective.
There is this technique currently being studied at UC Berkeley called self-distancing that I think helps us put ourselves into the lives and into the shoes of others. What you do with self-distancing is replay the event, but from a third person perspective instead of from your perspective. So in their research, the authors asked participants to recall a conflict from a close personal relationship that was still unresolved and that was upsetting.
You know, some people recalled the situation from a first person perspective where they were right there in the moment with the other person. And other people were asked to use self distancing and they were asked to recall the situation from a third person point of view.
As if they were kind of like a fly on the wall, like, okay, what did you do? And then what did they do? Which was kind of counter to the opposite perspective, the first person perspective, which is very much, okay, what did you feel? What did you observe? What was your interpretation? And what they found is that participants who used self-distancing experienced much less intense emotional and physical reactions than
physically they had a you know a lower rise in blood pressure and even if their blood pressure did rise it went back to the baseline quicker and emotionally they felt less triggered and less kind of heightened and stressed overall and here's the kicker the people who experienced and who were asked to institute self-distancing they actually ended up experiencing more closure and
They were more motivated to find a resolution with the other person, not just by immediately offering forgiveness, but by seeing how the other person acted and not just being able to have empathy for that, but for kind of seeing things more holistically, more realistically. Maybe that's a better word, more realistically. Yeah.
It is really hard to lose a relationship, even if the pain happens over time. I think there is less pain if you have determined that the relationship is worth saving with just biting the bullet. And it shows the sense of self-respect.
People shouldn't need a reminder of how to treat you. Let's just say that. But maybe they need a reminder of how you perceive their actions as meaning one thing when maybe they do mean something else. Or maybe there is a gap between what you're expecting from someone and what they're able to give you. This is something...
you know, I've quite frankly discovered with friends, instead of resenting them for, you know, not showing up for me the way that I want, not making plans every weekend, maybe flaking on plans,
I just reel back my expectations for them and I lower the stakes of our friendship. The person is still part of my life. It's not like I think they're terrible and neglectful and deserve no second chances. It's actually that I realize I can't control their behavior, but I'm just going to be more realistic and therefore less disappointed. The resentment also fades, which I think honestly is the main goal here. I just think that a lot of the time...
If you can't overcome the resentment, if you feel like they keep not meeting your expectations, it's time to lower your expectations and it's time to let that person, give that person less opportunities to fail you.
By kind of reducing their importance in your life. You know, obviously, if this is your boyfriend or your partner, that's not an option because reducing your expectations sometimes means reducing your expectation for what you deserve. So there is obviously...
a judgment call here. There is a judgment call if it is someone who is particularly close to you. Maybe that is the thing to remind yourself. I shouldn't have to tell someone what I deserve. I shouldn't have to tell someone how to treat me. Is that a sign that your resentment is an emotional warning?
Honestly, I don't think that I can answer that for all of you individually, but I do want to give you some final tips about how to heal through your resentment from the psychologist, Dr. Susan Albers. So firstly, locate your resentment in the mind. Why do you feel resentment and track back to a specific behavior? And what was it about the behavior that perhaps showed you that something that you cared about was not being respected enough?
In that moment. Then once you've located it in the mind. Locate it in the body. Where are you feeling this? Where is the tension? Where is the exhaustion felt by your resentment? And write about it. Is the reason this feels particularly brutal because there's some history there? Is there a former offense or experience that made you feel neglected or hurt in the past? And is that why this feels particularly rough?
If that is so, you know the saying about fool me twice, fool me three times, maybe they don't deserve another chance. Reinforce what it is to you that you do and don't deserve. You deserve respect, you deserve kindness, you deserve reciprocity, you deserve generosity and love. And if that person, if this resentment is coming from a place where you don't feel like they gave you that and they don't respect your needs, then
That's definitely going to be a bigger conversation. Does it involve stepping back from the relationship, explaining to the person why? Does it involve being like, okay, hey, this is my interpretation. Can you explain? Can you talk to me? Can you talk me through this?
Or does it involve something else? I think above all else, we don't want to feel burdened by an emotional reaction that we can't control, right? Like that's the main thing we're saying here. Resentment is not helpful, beneficial when you let it sit in your body and sit in your mind.
And you ruminate on it and you never reach a resolution. So that's where I think writing about it really helps. It brings clarity, but it also brings you some more peace. You know, it makes the feeling tangible and therefore offers you a release. So next, really accept the feeling and think about the above options. Will your life improve if you cling on to this feeling? Or would you be better moving on and finding a way to, you know, ideate?
either release, either harbor or ignore. Hopefully you choose release. And finally, that release comes from deciding what you're going to do. Are you going to self-distance? Are you going to discuss? Are you going to lower expectations? I think that's a big one when it comes to things like work, right? Like, yeah, you know what? I feel like my expectations towards this workplace are that they think of me as family. Obviously they've shown me that they don't or I'm
My expectation is that I would get promoted or that they cared about my work. Obviously, they don't. Lower your expectations, lower your effort. Or are you going to channel this into something positive? Are you going to channel this into moving forward and finding, you know, if it's a partner who has cheated on you, finding someone new? Basically, that's up to you, right? But the one thing I want you to take away from this, resentment is an alarm. Resentment is teaching you something. And
You need to choose a way to move forward with it that doesn't necessarily involve forgiveness, but does involve peace for yourself, whatever the circumstance. And maybe a bonus takeaway. I do think that
Talking about our feelings when it does seem necessary is very brave and courageous and is the thing that you should do. I don't want you to be sacrificing relationships from a place of resentment before you even understand everything that needs to be known and everybody's interpretation and what they're bringing forward.
to the situation if that is right for you. So I really hope that this episode helped. I hope that you just understand resentment a little bit more and you understand that it's not a bad or an ugly or a negative emotion as some would like to call it. It is not entitlement. It comes from a place of self-respect and knowing what you deserve, which is a good thing.
As always, if you did enjoy this episode, please feel free to leave a five-star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you are listening right now. Make sure that you are following along for future episodes. And if you have a suggestion for a topic that you would like to cover around the psychology of our 20s, I would love to hear from you at That Psychology Podcast. Until next time, remember to stay safe, be kind to yourself, be gentle to yourself.
especially when it comes to resentment we've talked about some heavy stuff today and until next time we will talk very very soon so
Hi, I'm Katie Lowes. And I'm Guillermo Diaz. And we're the hosts of Unpacking the Toolbox, the Scandal Rewatch podcast where we're talking about all the best moments of the show. Mesmerizing. But also, we get to hang out with all of our old Scandal friends like Bellamy Young, Scott Foley, Tony Goldwyn, Debbie Allen, Kerry Washington. Well, suit up, gladiators. Grab your big old glass of wine and prepare yourselves for an even more behind-the-scenes Scandal.
stories with Unpacking the Toolbox. Listen to Unpacking the Toolbox on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Meet the real woman behind the tabloid headlines in a personal podcast that delves into the life of the notorious Tori Spelling as she takes us through the ups and downs of her sometimes glamorous, sometimes chaotic life in marriage. I just filed for divorce. Whoa. I said the words that I've said like in my head for like 16 years.
wild. Listen to Misspelling on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Angie Martinez and on my podcast I like to talk to everyone from Hall of Fame athletes to iconic musicians about getting real on some of the complications and challenges of real life.
I had the best dad and I had the best memories and the greatest experience. And that's all I want for my kids as long as they can have that. Listen to Angie Martinez IRL on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to Criminalia. I'm Maria Tremarcki.
And I'm Holly Frey. Together, we invite you into the dark corridors of history and true crime. For each season, we explore a new theme, from poisoners to stalkers, art thieves to snake oil salesmen. And tune in at the end of each episode as we indulge in cocktails and mocktails inspired by each story. Listen to Criminalia on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
