Bonus Bang: Andy Samberg, Lauren Lapkus (Totally Todd) 01:24:47

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Hey everyone, Scott Aukerman here, and welcome to another episode of Bonus Bang, where we re-release earlier episodes of Comedy Bang Bang from behind the paywall. This is episode two in our Totally Todd series, where we revisit major moments in my nephew Todd's life. Todd, of course, played by Lauren Lapkus, who quickly became a beloved part of the Comedy Bang Bang universe.

Now, this is an SEC, a Stone Cold classic. This week's episode is called Grounded Me At, the at symbol. It was released on September 22nd, 2014, a little under a decade ago, with Andy Samberg as our first guest and Lauren Lapkus as Todd.

This episode has a lot of fun stuff, including all three of us trying to memorize the lyrics to a song that we improvised previously. So, of course, if you like what you hear and you want to hear the entire CBB archive, you can become a subscriber at CBBWorld.com where you can find every single episode we've ever recorded as well as every live episode. We will be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang. Until then, enjoy this bonus bang. Yeah.

They were deadly on the ground, now they have wings. Welcome to Con Air. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Hey, nice catchphrase. It's more of a Con Air tagline, I would say, than a catchphrase. But hey, I'll take it. I'm taking all comers today. Thanks to Carlos Fugazi for that catchphrase. Thank you, Carlos.

Something special coming out to you. No, wait. Nothing special coming out to you other than these vibrations into your ear holes. But, hey, enjoy them while you're young. Welcome to Comedy Beanbag for another week. And Scott Aukerman is my name. Making podcasts is my game. No. Really? Come on. Let me have it. I like that. Okay.

It's one of my games. I mean, I have various games, various breads and butters. And we have a great show today. It is September, of course. And you know what September means. It means a lot of things. Baseball playoffs. It means back to school. But chief amongst them, it means... Girls, girls, girls. Girls, girls, girls. The Motley Crue song? Yeah. Yeah.

Released in September. Released in September? Really? No, it means girls in their school clothes. Todd, you would prefer girls in their school clothes rather than in their regular clothes? Yeah, in their uniforms with their sexy skirts. You'd prefer that over bikinis? Yeah, babe! All right, Todd, we'll introduce you in a second. But we know what it means is it means that our fall TV premieres are back! Oh, yeah. Our shows are back! New ones, old ones, everything in between.

And we have a great star of one of these shows here with us. He's a returning champion. He was here last year.

Right before his show was about to premiere and we gave it the old CBB bump and sure enough skyrocketed to the moon. And his show is back. Season two. They said he couldn't make another one, but he did it. Season two. Who said that? Oh, maybe that was just me and my friends. I don't know. Oh, man.

And it's on this Sunday, the 28th. This Sunday, the 28th. What time? 830? 830. 730 Central. You in the time zone of Central, do you like hearing what time stuff is on? You can figure it out. It's just negative one. You subtract the one, right? So when we say it's on at 830, in your heads, don't you go 730? Do we really need to say 730 Central? No.

Let's take your calls. No, but the show is Brooklyn Nine-Nine, and welcome back, Andy Sandberg. Hello. Thank you. And, of course, to my left is my nephew, Todd. Hey, what's up?

What's up? I've never seen Brooklyn Nine-Nine because my uncle won't let me watch it. Freak. I'm your uncle. I know, and you never let me watch Brooklyn Nine-Nine. I've run out of my whole school watches. I'm always grounded and can't watch TV. You were staying with me this summer. Brooklyn Nine-Nine is not on during the summer. No wonder I won't let you watch it. I could have DVR'd it earlier or something. Okay.

Okay, Todd. I'm not being a freak, Scott. I'm not being a freak. He is a freak. He makes me fold his underwear. Me and Todd get it. Me and Todd get it. You're a freak. Todd, this is Andy, by the way. I'm really excited to meet you. Hi. What's up? I've seen all your vids online. Oh, right on. Vids? Wow. That's how they talk. Yeah, kids today. How old of a man are you again, Todd? Middle school. Middle school? Is that really how old you are? Okay.

I don't remember. Let me explain, Andy, what happened. The last time Todd was on the program, he was a – how old of a man were you at that point? You were like a 30-year-old man. Well, I became 30 from making a wish on a machine at a carnival. Total big situation. Classic big. Classic big. But I shrunk back down, but my penis stayed big.

Oh, that's so tight. Yeah, it stayed grown up. That probably plays really nice in the junior high world. Yeah, but people think it's kind of weird. To have such a big penis? Yeah, because it looks like a dad penis. Did your pubes shrink back down as well? Pubes stayed big. Oh, that's good. Okay. So you just have a giant boosh? Yeah, a big boosh on a big ween.

Small butt. I can't believe you didn't say a mighty boosh. Yeah, that's true. Hey, props to those guys. Hey, props to mighty boosh. Big shout out. Great big shout out. All right, I'm going to take off. All right, later, man. Thanks. Let me talk to Todd for a while.

Todd, this is Andy Samberg. You must be a big fan. You're in middle school. That's my demo. You must have grown up with his comedy. Yeah. His comedy must have been almost like an absentee father to you. Yeah, it kind of was, considering I don't have a dad, really. My parents kind of leave me with you all the friggin' time, and you're not much of a role model. That's true. Hey, I don't pretend to be one. Yeah, well, yeah, not even to me.

But Scott, don't you remember that time we were hanging out at dinner and you were like, I kind of feel like I'm a role model to Todd. Oh, God, I did say that. You did not say that. I did say that. I think you were just being braggy. Wait, I said I was a bad role model to Todd. That's true. Todd, let your uncle off the hook on this one. That makes more sense. You said it in a sentence, though. That was Uncle Andy's fault. Yep. Are you my uncle? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What did I say? Oh, my God, I'm so lucky. No, I meant it like the way that LL Cool J calls himself Uncle L. Yeah.

Does he call himself Uncle L? Yeah, he used to. I don't know if he still does. I imagine he still does. Are the ladies who love him his nieces? Ladies love uncles. Ladies love Uncle Cool J. Yeah.

Lady nieces love Cool James. What do you think about LL Cool J, Andy? He, of course, has been hosting a lot of things lately. He's got that NCIS LA show. And so didn't he host the Grammys or something recently? And he had a moment of silence and stuff. He hosted the Grammys two years in a row, I think. Yeah. Good stuff. He's a positive force in the entertainment world. He puts out a lot of good energy. He's a force for good. And that's what we can all ascribe to be.

And another thing I'll say is I heard somebody broke into his house and he beat the shit out of them. So I'm not going to say anything negative about him. Well, I'll say something. Aspire, maybe I meant? Yes. He licks his lips like he's making girls horny. Yeah. Like he's making girls horny. Yeah. He looks them like he's like, oh, they want it. I wonder if that goes through his mind as he's talking. I think it does. Just like, oh, I bet I'm making girls horny now. Gives it a little lick. Yeah.

Do you think that's it? Andy, you're not going to say anything. I think he definitely makes that sound every time. It's really weird watching the Grammys where he's like, all right, our next presenters. He was in the Foo Fighters. But they want him to host every year. Spot on impression. Yeah, good stuff. Andy, B99, it's a runaway hit. You've heard of a runaway bride, but a hit? Yes, this is it.

That rhymed. Yep. And B99, you went home with a GG this year. Double GGs. The GG Allen of awards. I got dose Gs. Mm-hmm. Dose, dose, dose Gs. Do you get a GG for the show because you're a producer? I do indeed. Love it. Two GGs. Dirty little secret from a dirty little not like. They're just hanging. Yeah. They keep each other company. Cool. Mm-hmm. And they're just little dinkers. Yeah. You ever like make them talk to each other and-

Like in the bath, Billy Madison style? Uh-huh. You're like, I'm the Golden Globe, like that. Uh-huh, yeah, yeah. Do a little more of your Adam Sandler version. I do modern Sandler more than the old Sandler. Yeah, yeah. What's the difference? What's the diff? Young Sandler was a lot squeakier. Mm-hmm. He was a lot of, ooh, you, you, that stuff. Everyone's voice deepens. Now he's kind of, hey, how's it going, buddy? Hey, buddy, yeah, yeah. Well, you did a movie with him and talk about Runaway Bride. So I should know. Runaway Bride is a movie. Yeah, a movie movie.

Like The Runaway Bride is what we did together. Yeah. And – It was The Runaway Bride 2. Yeah, that's true. That was the movie we did. All male cast. All male cast. If you view it through that prism, it actually is pretty good, don't you think? If you view it of like, hey, this is the sequel to Runaway Bride. Yeah. Yeah, definitely. Surprising casting but still really good. Sure. Yeah.

What do we have? Todd, do you have questions about Brooklyn Nine-Nine? Yeah. Well, my main question is, do you ever get to like kiss a girl on it or like do anything like that? Yeah, I've kissed a few girls on it. It's pretty standard TV stuff. So like when you're doing that, are you like thinking about when you want to take them home or like being a girlfriend or?

No, no. I mean, it's mostly just acting, but I mean, do you need advice or... Yeah, I'm like wondering like when you kiss someone, like what do you do with your mouth and what do you do with your arms? Well, I find... I'd like to know that too. I find if you leave your arms like just straight down at your sides... Kind of mannequin style? Really tight mannequin style, like...

I think that's kind of cool. All right, I'll do it if I ever get the opportunity. What do you do with your, I was wondering, what do you do with your teeth? Like, I know what to do with my lips. I know what to do with my tongue. I know what to do with my esophagus. I just tell my teeth to take a hike. Like, hey guys. Take a breather for a sec. Yeah, if this mouth is rocking, don't come being a teething. Yep. How many cavities have you ever had in your life? Oh,

I'm going to say at least six or seven. Six or seven, yeah. How do you feel those bad boys? What are my choices again? A lot of people used to use gold. Gold. I use...

Pool's gold. Ooh. Yeah, save a buck or two. Sure, why not? In this economy? If Uncle Scott's your uncle, you use gum. You just shove gum in your teeth and then hope it goes away. I don't think that I should be saddled with your dentistry bills. Yeah, my teeth hurt. That's not my Bailiwick, you know? I mean, it's... I'm sorry, it's not my responsibility.

You've got to dumb it down for Todd. I didn't know that word either. What is it? Balawek? Balawek, yeah. That's the thing that Gandalf fights at the end of the middle one. Yeah, exactly, yeah. It's his responsibility to fight it. That's how we came up with that word. But no, look, I mean, look, you've been staying with me far too long, by the way. You got dropped off on Memorial Day. In the mines of Moria. Mm-hmm. Sorry. No, keep going. Every other sentence, I want to hear more of this story. And then you were supposed to leave on Labor Day. Mm-hmm.

I thought you were going to add a sentence in this. The Bollywog. Bollywog. As far as I'm concerned, we're three weeks after Labor Day at this point. You haven't left. I'm trying to have eternal summer. You're not going to school or anything. I don't want to go to school. I want to hang out with you all day. What state do you live in?

California? Right, right. With you? Basically, you're basically my new dad. My mom doesn't even care. You better call your sister and try to get her back here. Oh, God. But when you're not staying with your Uncle Scott, are you in Antarctica still? Yeah, I go back to Antarctica where I freeze my little butt off all year. Metallica played there, so that must have been fun. Wicked cool. I never get to go to anything cool. I'm always grounded. Always in trouble. Who was in the audience at that show? A bunch of polar bears? Polar bears and penguins? Yeah. Hey, high five on that.

Double. That was more like a high ten. Wait. And high five. High five. Oh, there we did. Yep. No one can see that, so they probably think it's as funny as us. Yep. 100%.

So, Todd, I mean, come on. When are you going home? I don't have the food for you. I'm running out of food in the pantry. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I feel like my mom doesn't even want me to come back probably. That's kind of how it feels right now. She just told you to watch me and she took off. Yeah, that's her though. It's just you and me. We should be a sitcom. She's been, I don't know. I mean, you know, Andy, you're the king of sitcoms now. Nope. You lie atop the throne.

of sitcom nobility. Is this a sitcom, me and Todd? He's my uncle. He always grounds me. He always makes me grounded meat.

And that's it. And it makes me fold this underwear and I can't watch TV ever. Grounded me, parentheses, A-T, end parentheses. There is maybe some trouble with at midnight with the at symbol. So maybe it's grounded me and then the at symbol? I don't know. Grounded me, at symbol, colon, me and my uncle trying to do it. Trying to do it. Live together. Maybe we should specify, yeah. Live together. And you say, like, explains. There needs to be a stage direction. Explains. Live together. How's that? Andy? So,

So give me the whole thing one more time. Grounded me. At symbol. Yeah. Colon. Me and my uncle. Me and my uncle. Trying to do it. Explains. Live together. I think it's good. Okay. I'd see something with that long of a title. It would be original. I'd want to know why it was so long and probably it was probably the best thing that ever existed. So I'd have to watch it. Actually, I'm really sorry to interrupt. I think somebody actually did have a pilot called that this year. Oh, too bad. How'd it do? Who was in that?

Someone... Funny? Someone funny. Good. Every idea I had was too mean. I know who it was. It wasn't LL Cool J. Who was in it? It was all McDonald's mascots.

Old McDonald's? All the McDonald's mascots. Oh, I see. Hamburger. Fry guy. The little shaky things. Hamburger's stand-up is actually not bad. Yeah? A lot of people laugh him off, but he's got some edgy shit. Based upon the comedy of Hamburger. That'd be a good...

Series. Series? Is that what you call them? Series? Is that because there's a series of shows that happen sequentially? I would imagine so, yeah. Okay, good. I was wondering. It's good to touch base on stuff like that. How's the TV work? It's a bunch of tubes and amps. Is it tubes anymore? I don't think with flat screens you could fit tubes in there anymore. I think it's thousands of tiny little dots, right? Then again, my wife has tubes in her and...

Who knows? Who knows how that works? Well, you have tubes in you also. Yeah, that's true. They're all the same. Do you get them tied? Oh, yeah. Every day. Wow. That seems... It's a little bonot. Just drop by the dock. Hey. Overzealous. Can you make sure my tubes are tied today? Just give them another... He's like, still? He's like, all right, I'm cutting you back open. Yep, still tied. Ugh, this mess. Todd...

In school. Why are you so annoyed by me? I just don't even do anything. It's my sister, all right? I have to admit. This has been her problem. She's been like this ever since she was growing up. Do you have siblings, Andy? Yeah, I have two older sisters. Two older sisters. Isn't it the same way with them? Like, you know what I mean? It's just like... When they're always like dumping my nephew on me to stay with me for months on end. Yeah. Do they ever do that? No. Stuff like that? No? Do you have a responsible sister? No.

Yeah, they're both pretty responsible. God, I wish I did. I mean, my sister... Responsible for my headaches. Oh, man. Oh, another high five? Wow, that was unexpected. Thank you. All accepted, though. Did you ever get grounded by your parents? Or your uncle? Yeah, I think once or twice. What'd you do? Just like...

Killed a guy. Wow. See, I never really did anything that bad. Hey, but I was fucked up when I was little. That was an excuse. I got into some shit. Scott knows. I read your autobiography. What was it called again? Salmon Upstream. Yep.

And he keeps it on a high shelf so I can never reach it. No, I don't want you hanging out with Andy. I want to know everything about him. I just, I don't even want you here in the studio. I'm an open book, Todd. Shoot. Ask me anything. Go ahead, ask him. All right. AMA. You ever, when you're sleeping next to your uncle, feel like you should get your own bed?

Well, I've been married to my uncle for several years, so no. I mean, I assume eventually we'll drift apart and sleep in separate rooms. But until that day... Look, it's a slippery slope. My answer is no. You can marry anything these days. Hey, don't call my uncle a slope. All right. No, I know that he's half Japanese, but it's... My uncle never proposed to me.

Look, I'm not going to propose to you. He, by the way. Scott, you got cold feet, buddy? Get in there. He keeps asking me to propose to him. I just want to have a family. Oh, God. You're too young for a family. Whatever. I don't have anything. It's weird to be married to me. My life sucks. Get married and adopt kids that are the same age as your nephew. Yeah, and I'll be their dad. I'll be in charge. Fine.

Finally laid out my own rules to stop listening to your garbage. Rule number one. Todd, go. You can do whatever you want and the first thing you get to do is do what I want.

Which is? Watch TV all day long and all night and eat sucking lollipops. Eat sucking lollipops. I've never heard that as a descriptor for lollipops, the sucking ones. Sucking lollipops. Eat sucking lollipops and suck on popsicles until everyone screams. Yeah. Look, I, you know, I work hard and when I get home I want to do what I want to do.

I want to watch TV and I want to suck on lollipops. Eat sucking lollipops. Eat sucking lollipops. Eat sucking lollipops. Look, you know, you're the one staying with me, all right? We can't do what you want to do. Like, that lasted for about a week. I tried to entertain you and do what you wanted to do. I've been living there so long, it's practically my house. Yeah. So let me live my life. You always have tried to punish me and make yourself be the king. What do you want to do? What do you want to do with your life? I want to float in your pool for once.

Pretend I'm dead? Please. Why do you want to pretend you're dead? This is the weird part. This is why I won't let you float in my pool. No, that is fun. Have you ever pretended you're dead in a pool? She's obsessed with the movie Sunset Boulevard. She freeze frames the opening. Who is she? Look, you know I like to call you a she. You rascal. To ridicule you. I'm a freaking boy. My dick's bigger than yours. That is true. Let's take our dicks out for one second. All right, look. All right, here we go.

I think this is leading to marriage. All right, let's compare these things. Compare Andy's. Wait. Okay, here's mine. All right, here we go. Zip. All right, let's put him in sort of a- Fluff flunk. Oh, shit. Damn. And that's what I got. Why do you say fluff flunk when you take your dick out? No, that was the sound of the wind. Oh, interesting. And then the table. Oh, okay, let's put him in a pyramid if we- Yeah, a pyramid situation. Pyramid situation. All right. Two on the bottom, one on the top. Who wants to be on the top? You do. Okay, I'll be on the top. Andy- Wait, a pyramid or a log cabin? Pyramid.

It's like a gold brick. Yeah, a pyramid if you're a cheerleader. Does that make sense? Oh, I see what you're saying. Yeah, okay. Or a log cabin. I was thinking a pyramid at like a teepee style. Right, yeah, we can do that. We'd have to get them erect. No, two teepee and one is inside like a person. Andy, what is happening right here? I'm like a Foley artist today. I am making a sound effects record, by the way. That could be track 13. Ooh. Can we get that clean? Yeah, ready? And can we get that clean? Yeah.

Great. Track 13. Paul F., if you're listening to this, this goes on your sound effects record. That was cool. I don't even know what that sounded like. Hey, you know, that's what's great about it. For a sound effects record, you can just apply it to anything. You can repurpose it, yeah. It sounded to me like pressing your butt cheeks together over and over. Do you do that? Yeah, that's how I make my dick hard. Yeah.

It is weird that you're... How old are you, 11? Whatever, middle school age. Okay. But with a full-sized man's penis. Full-sized man's penis that is rock hard 23 out of the 24 hours a day. Assuming that he's mushing his butt cheeks back and forth. Yeah, it's my all-night butt play. Yeah.

Yeah. You have a tight butt, though, I have to say. Work it out. Thanks for noticing, honey. I think this is heading to marriage. Wait, I think we've figured out what the sitcom is about. It's not about a nephew staying with his uncle. It's about a nephew who married his uncle.

Sounds like it's about you then. It's like a cautionary tale. Yeah, well, I could write it and you guys could star. Sounds perfect. You got two golden globes on your side. I mean, I guess I could eat pee. Eat pee? Cool. I could eat pee.

Hey, do you want to eat some pee tonight? Z-U-P. And then just munch some sucking lollipops. Yep. Andy, what do we got on B99 this year? What do we got? My character is beheaded in the first five minutes of the premiere. Tribute to ISIS. Yep. Just straight up slashed.

And even though his head is cut off, they still gut his body and bleed him out in front of the town square. Sure. Do they do it kosher? Yep. Yep. Great. And then they have sex with his body through a sheet. That sounds funny. It's so funny. I know it sounds dark, but it's so funny. You've got to see it. It's so funny. Yeah.

I know it sounds messed up, but it's so funny. What about, you know I'm a shipper for your relationship with... You told me that. You taught me that term. I didn't even know that term. Well, you got to get used to it because you're a TV star now and you got plenty of shippers out there. Who's the character that people ship you with? Jake and Amy is what you're referring to. Jake and Amy. Jake and Amy. Jamie. Jamie. Oh, boy. Just a person. Yeah. How about...

Peraltiago. Ink. Santiago and Peralta. Peraltiago. I like that. Peraltiago. That's good. Is Peraltiago a thing this year? Santialta. Ooh. Santa Clara? Santa Clarita. By the way, Andy's always looking out. Glass was just about to fall.

Probably wouldn't have broken, but still would have caused another sound effect for our sound effects record. All purpose. Hey, look, if you need any pay for this, I'll eat pay. For this episode? Yeah, I'll eat pay on this episode. Do you want to eat pee on this episode? You got to freeze dry it. It's the best way. Okay. Hey, seriously though. Yeah. How much money would have somebody have to give you to eat a pee popsicle? Okay. A pee popsicle. How much money? $15. $15.

I got 15. 15 for you. Okay. To eat, who's pee? Okay, so I get to pick anyone's pee in the world? Yeah. Could be your own, too. And could be an animal. Would you rather eat, Andy, in your case, would you rather eat your own pee or would you rather eat the pee of a beautiful woman that you want to have sex with? Depends what the woman has had to drink that day. Okay. What would you like her to have drunk? Even the purest of ladies, after drinking like 340s of Old English, would have some pretty rank pee. That's true.

That's true. The extreme. The extreme. Thank you, Todd. Okay. So what if someone went on some sort of a fast or a cleanse and didn't eat anything other than water and just had to pee out water? That would be the best. That would be the best. Best case scenario, yeah. Because all it is is the water that they don't need. It's just wasted water basically. And whatever like urine transmitted diseases they have. Right. Okay. Let me think about this. And you can eat your own? Yeah, if you want. Can it be someone who died?

Ooh, ghost pee? Ooh. And will you learn the person's memories from eating their pee? You will learn what they had to drink in their final hours. Okay, really? That's it? Yeah. I mean, I guess you'd be semi-informative. Yeah. Like if a body had gone missing? Okay. I'm going to eat my dad's pee then. Ugh. Just because I want to be closer. Yeah, I want to eat grandpa. No, he's not your grandpa. He's your great uncle.

What? Yeah, he's your... If it's my mom's dad and your dad, he's my grandpa. Yeah, that's true. Okay. Sorry. Todd, excuse us one second. Todd, I'm afraid that he's right on this one. It's your grandpa. Yeah. Did you call me Todd?

My name is Scott. I feel like we're getting very confused. I'm calling Todd a woman. You're calling me Todd. I'm looking straight at you calling you Todd, too. That's the creepiest part. I just decided your name was Todd. You didn't know his name this whole time. But I first got Todd's name right. I said, Todd, can you excuse us? And then I said Todd. And then you said Todd again. He's your grandpa. Yeah.

A story of two tugs. I would say... This shit is usable, Scott. It's going in the vault. In the Disney vault, don't worry. Sorry, I'll stop cutting you off. I feel like you would have to pay me to eat my own dad's pee and for me to learn everything that he drank in his final hours. $15,000. Done. Done.

Andy, this is a bad little kid, by the way. I'm not bad. You just ground me for nothing every day. You're a bad kid. I didn't even do anything. What did you get grounded for? What? One time. One time. One time. One time is too many. One time. I went in his clothes and I wore them all and I put them on and I went.

I'm Uncle Scott and I went and peed on my neighbor's lawn and screamed that I was Uncle Scott in their window and they all thought I was and they called the cops and he got arrested. I got arrested. Okay, so that's the end of the story. He got arrested. Yeah, and... One time though. One freaking time. During the court case, you skipped town and wouldn't even be a witness saying that you did it and I got convicted. Yeah, but what you don't know is that I was there the whole time but I was wearing a hood. What? And I was in the back of it and I just laughed and laughed. Oh, I wondered who was laughing.

It was really annoying. We're trying to have a court case. Oh, my God. This is a bad little kid, Andy. Yeah, you got to ground a bad kid. Oh, no, it's not fair. You're not supposed to say that. You're supposed to be cool. Don't ground the kid, Todd. Hey, Andy, you ever think about doing a song about grounding kids and how you should ground kids? Yeah. I mean, they certainly ground some kids in the Another Brick in the Wall video.

Good modern reference. I like it. I have a question about one of your videos. All right, let's hear it. So when you did Dick in the Box, did you guys really have your dicks in the boxes? How did you see Dick in the Box? At school on the computer last year. Who showed it to you? My friend Richard. Richard? Oh, Richard again. I've been hearing about Richard constantly. You're not going to grow up like Richard. He's a bad influence. I don't care what you say. All right, but for the purposes of the show, were your dicks in the boxes? No. What? Where were your dicks? Up our butts. Okay, good. Good. Good.

Was it hard to convince JT to put his dick in his butt? No, I mean, when you're acting, you pretty much just like go into character. Do you have your dick in your butt when you're playing Jake Peralta on Brooklyn Nine-Nine? Pretty much, yeah. I mean, you just don't want it to look unsightly on camera. Yeah, you don't want it poking out or anything like that. You don't want the Jon Hamm experience. Everyone looking down there all the time. Everyone liked it so much. Yeah.

All the ladies liked it. LL Jon Hamm. All ladies love Jon Hamm's dong. Yeah. Well, this is going to happen to you, young man, unless you start tucking your dong up in your butt. I don't want it. I want the attention. You want it? And right now, stop waving it around. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Who are you? LL Cool J? Yeah. Jeez. That's a cool J right there. Yeah. You got cool Jade. Who, and God help me if this is true, but has any woman ever, like women, they're grade school kids, or not grades, middle school kids. Have they noticed it? Or adult women, have they noticed it? Mostly my teachers comment on it because the other girls don't really know that it's a thing or that it shouldn't be what it is. Hmm.

But the teachers know. What do they say? And they all talk about and they all just go hump themselves under their desks all day thinking about me.

Wow, where do you go to school? Well, that's what I think they're doing. Oh, okay. Have they commented on it or do you just think that they know? I just think they know. Yeah. They don't really talk to me much. I wonder what percentage of my teachers were humping their desk with me not knowing. I wonder. Gotta be high. Yeah. It's gotta be in the high 90s. Well, why else would they sit behind it? That's true. What are they hiding? Yeah, it's like, hey, you should have a chair just like everybody else. Yeah, or just use a vibrator. Let us see you. Yeah.

What field of study are you studying? I'm going to send you back to school. Well, I'm not studying right now, but I'll have to study all. All, yeah, all. History, math, reading, language arts. Yeah, you don't get to specialize yet. What's your favorite? I like Jim. Yeah. Is Jim one of your teachers? Yeah, he's great. What's he teach? Science. Science, okay.

Awesome. So what kind of science? Just general? General. General science. We have to dissect. This year we're supposed to dissect a pig. A pig? Yeah, a baby pig. Wait a minute. Is he just asking you, did he buy a pig and he's just trying to get you to butcher it? Yeah, we're supposed to dissect a pig at his house and then he's going to cook it. We're all going to eat it. So Jim's last name is Science and he was a general in the army? Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, interesting. General Jim Science. General, oh, okay. Yeah. I wanted to say it sooner, but I didn't want to interrupt. No, you should have. You're very polite. I just didn't want anyone out there thinking like, it took me that long to put it together. No, no, no. It was immediate for you and you were raising your hand. I will attest to the fact that Andy just, his hand shot up. He's like, and he mouthed to me, I want to say something so bad. Let me, let me, let me, let me. Todd, Todd, Todd, I've got a bad one. Let me get in there.

Give us one Brooklyn Nine-Nine fact before we go to break here. Give us something. Talk about the premiere on this Sunday. What are people going to see? What are people going to, you know, so many great people on the show. Jolo. Jolo. Chaz. Palminteri. Nope. What? Chelsea Peretti. That's who I'm thinking of. Chelsea Peretti. My grade school chum. Yeah, we talked about that on the show.

You and her did? I believe you and I did at one point. Oh, before the show started. Before the show started, yeah. You and Chelsea were grade school chums. There's a picture of you in a school bus. Yep. And... We both look exactly the same. Yep. And then you split up and didn't even know that each other were in comedy. I mean... For a long time. It would be hard for her not to know you were in comedy, but... Burn. Burn.

No, that's a burn on her. That's actually a compliment because you did so well. It's a burn to her because she's just watching him on TV at home not working on her comedy. Inverted burn. That's what I call it. I call compliments inverted burns. Inburnment? Inburnment. Inburnment. Give us one thing about this Sunday. What are we going to see this Sunday? And do you – how many people do you hope watch the show? I hope at least 70 people watch. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Including family. By the way, are you after The Simpsons? We are now actually after The Simpsons, which is cool. Are you going to have any kind of crossover with them? Is Yeardley Smith going to be on the show? I hope so. I love Yeardley Smith. Yeah, she was here a few weeks back. She just popped in and said, I told her I was about to have a cow, and she said don't, and then she just left. Wow. Yeah, it was interesting. Yeah.

Seems like a waste of Yeardley Smith. It really was. All she said was don't. Yeah. Don't. She said don't. Yep. She did Homer Simpson. Don't. That's anytime you hear the word don't on the Simpsons, they're contractually obligated to do D apostrophe O H N apostrophe T. Oh. Don't. Don't.

But what's happening with The Simpsons? Are you going to get some runoff pee from that or what? I think that's what it's called in the ratings parlance. Yeah.

Yeah, we're hoping for some runoff pee. Some yellow Simpsons runoff pee. And are you before... Their pee's black because their skin's yellow. Are you before... What's that show that Seth MacFarlane does? The Neighbors? What is it called again? On Sundays, what is it called? Seth MacFarlane show. What is it? The Neighbors? They're in a house, right? Family Guy? Family Guy, yeah. Are you before that? Yeah, right before that. Okay, so you got the animation sandwich. Animations and a sandwich. Yep, I love it in a sandwich.

And is that rich. So give us one fact about this Sunday's episode and then we're going to go to commercial. All right. I don't want to spoil anything, but it's chock fully yucks. And the squad likes each other and there's camaraderie.

But, like, what is it? Jake's back from being undercover. Ooh, that's right. Because last, we don't want to spoil anyone who's not seen it, but if you haven't seen it, you're a goddamn fool. Well, thanks a lot. You won't even let me. But, yeah, you went undercover and you're trying to take down the mob. Yep.

There's a big, the mob story is still running through the premiere. And we're still checking back in with Gina and Charles who had a drunk bone sesh. Yum. Love it. Say yummy. Just Todd. Todd's weird. Just Todd being Todd. And

And I'm trying to think. We've shot a bunch already, so I'm trying to remember what even happens in the first one. But it's almost like this character is you in a way. So, you know, it's almost like these memories are your memories. So tell me what happens. That's true. I'm trying to think about my childhood as a police officer. Okay, good. Do you wear that jacket this year? The leather one? Yeah. You know it. Love it. That's all I wanted to hear. Classic Peralta. Yeah, classic. Does anyone change up their look this year?

I don't think drastically, no. Good. I'm a year older. Oh, that's good. I tried that one year older look. Do you, in your first scene, do you enter and everyone says, oh, by the way, your birthday this year was amazing. Just to establish that, yes, you had a birthday and that you are a year older. Yeah.

They'll be like, hey, sorry we missed your birthday. I think that that should be done in every sitcom, every returning sitcom. The first scene, everyone should just go around the room and acknowledge that every character had a birthday since the previous year. Or like, hey, remember your birthday party? That was so great. I just wanted to say that. Yeah, exactly. And then the audience can just relax. It'd be nice if the premiere of ours, because my character was undercover, was the whole first scene could just be everyone going like...

Hey, we know it was your birthday. We really wanted to celebrate with you, but we knew you were undercover. So we didn't go there. We thought about going there. We did go there. We looked in the window. It looked like you were kind of busy pretending to be a different kind of guy with like mob guys. And we like, but we had a cake.

You know, and it had the candles and it was Gremlins themed. We rapped on the window and we pointed at it. Yeah. And the mob guy saw us. Yeah. And like shot Terry. Uh-huh. And then we pointed at you and mouthed, he's still our friend. He still works for us. Still our friend. He's undercover. Don't believe him. Uh-huh. And hey, sorry if that got you in trouble. Yeah. And then I'll hold up my hand and I'll have a finger cut off and I'll be like, no trouble at all. Ha!

Very good. We'll laugh and then we'll be like, Peralta. And then credits. Yeah. And it's like, wow, this show's only two minutes long? Two minute premiere. Weird. Save a buck or two. Hey, in this economy? Bring that back. All right. We have to go to a break. When we come back, we are going to have more from Todd and more from Andy. And this is going to be life changing when we come back. All right. We'll come back in a second. More comedy beanbag after this. Yeah.

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51 years or older. Terms and conditions apply. Comedy Beanbag, we are back here. We have Todd 3.0, I guess, at this point. And Andy Sandberg, of course, from Brooklyn Nine-Nine and The Lonely Island and Hot Rod and That's My Boy and Sausage Jesse Forever. Sausage Jesse Forever. Sausage Jesse Forever.

What's that? No, that was right. Sausage Jesse Forever. Yeah. That was a weird movie about a woman who loves sausage parties. Yep. It's a strange movie, but I enjoyed it. Hey, you know when you're at a party and it's just a bunch of dudes and someone's like...

What a sausage party. I made that up. You made that up? Why don't you get credit? Oh, I do. I get residuals. You get zids? Every time someone says it? Mad zids. Every time. Watch. Say it. Sausage party. Can I have a dollar?

Yeah. Uncle Scott, can I have a dollar? Uh, no. You're grounded. What? Why? Just for asking for a dollar? Look, you know you're not supposed to ask me for money. Andy, I'm sorry. I can't give you a dollar and I'm grounded now. Well, you'll be hearing from my lawyer. Great. Wait, is that him? Hello! He's really old. I'm Andy's lawyer. Oh, my heart! Andy's lawyer just died. I don't have to pay him.

Hey, we gotta get rid of this body. We gotta get rid of this body, though. First, we gotta chop it up. We gotta chop it up. We gotta chop it up. Sounds like you just want to chop this fool up. Hey, I did ask him to come here knowing he would pass. What's this? It's a tiny saw. Let's chop up this motherfucker. But he died of a heart attack. Why is it so tiny?

You know what we have to do in this segment of the show. It's time for a little... We haven't played this in a while, by the way. It's time for a little something we call What Am I Thinking? I'm scared. Shut up. All right, it's time to play What Am I Thinking? Ooh, remix. Ooh.

By the way, do we have the Hollywood Facts theme here? It just seems like it needs words. You know what? Let's use that theme instead for What Am I Thinking for this. It's time for... You know, we don't play Hollywood Facts anymore, and you did the theme song to it. So, you know, no matter what game we play, I feel like we should play the Hollywood Facts theme. It's time to play What Am I Thinking.

Nice. Well, it's Hollywood Facts and we're going downtown. Going to Englewood now. Everybody's doing your facts and know your stars. There's glitz and glamour and lots of bars. Get a drink at a club. Then go walk in front of Chinese Theater. Hollywood Facts. Take out your dick. Check out the facts. It's the Hollywood Facts. Bro. Yep. Still holds up. Still holds up.

This goes to the day we recorded it. If it ain't broke. Hey, if it ain't broke, what? No, that's it. That's it? If it ain't broke. All right, it's time to play What Am I Thinking? We all know how this is played. I have two players here in front of me. Actually, we're all going to play this. We'll do it in rounds here. But you guys will start out, all right? So Todd...

And Andy, you guys will be our first players and the winner of that will play me. And then the winner of that, we'll figure it out. So here's what we do. Separately, you each think of a thing in your head. Now, it can be a word. It can be a noun. It can be a person. It can be two words. It can be Bugs Bunny. It's just a thing. Mine is Bugs Bunny. That was mine too. Damn it.

But it can be an emotion. It can be... It's just something. You just have to think of something. All right? Okay. Now, you'll count down together. You'll count down from three. Okay.

Let me run those through for you. Three and then two and then one. Right. And then you will each say simultaneously the thing that you are thinking of. Okay. Okay? Now, they will ostensibly be two different things. All right? Now, then it is your job to try to think of the thing that is either they both have in common or if you combine them what it would be or something that reminds you of what the commonality would be between those. Okay.

You'll think of that in your head. You'll both say three, two, one, and say that thing. And you're trying to basically say the same thing. And we'll see how many moves it takes you to say the same thing. Todd, you get this game. I get it. You're a kid. You understand newfangled things. I'm a kid. I get all games. Yep. Great. Andy, how are you doing? Well, in relationships, I don't like to play games. But in this case, I'll make an exception. Is this a relationship? No, this is a game. More like a relationship. When it comes to games, I'll play games. Okay, good. Okay.

And in this case, you do not have to make an obsession. Obsession? What do you mean? I don't know what I'm saying. What word was that supposed to be? Exception. Oh, okay. All right, here we go. God, Todd, you idiot. Sorry, no. Ground him. You're grounded, Todd. Hey, you're my Aunt Scott from now on, you little witch. No, you don't get to call me that. You are grounded again. I'm not grounded.

Andy can't ground me, and my Aunt Scott can't ground me. I'm my own person. I'm not your aunt, Todd. Yeah, you are. God damn it. You're a woman. No, you're a woman, Todd. You're a she. All right. Or a shim. And that's not a slam. To call you a woman is not a slam. But I'm not one. No. That is a slam. Here we go. Are you locked in? Do you each have your separate thing that you're thinking of? Yep. All right. Here we go. And I'll take you through it, and I'll say three, two, one with you, but you have to say it out loud yourself. Okay. Here we go. Three, two, one. Hot dog. Bugs Bunny. I was going to do Bugs Bunny, but I didn't.

I didn't. We could have done it first try. All right. Hot dog and Bugs Bunny. Okay. Interesting. So what do those have in common? Like, just think of whatever comes to mind. Hot dog and Bugs Bunny. Okay. And you have it locked in, Andy. Oh, yeah. And Todd, do you have it locked in? Yeah. Hot dog and Bugs Bunny. All right. Here we go. And say it out loud. Three, two, one. Bugs Bunny eating a hot dog. Oh, God.

Bugs Bunny eating a hot dog over here and carrot over here. Carrot is the hot dog of bunny. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Of bunnies? Yeah. No way. That's true. You're right, you're right, you're right. All right, so we have Bugs Bunny eating a hot dog. Okay. Andy, I'm going to have to ask you to be a little more specific with your guesses. Okay. And we have... Give me the specificity you want. I think I've got it. Okay. And we have Carrot over here. Okay. Are you locked in? Oh, yeah. All right, Andy's locked in. Todd, you're locked in. Here we go. And... Three, two, one. Bugs Bunny eating a carrot. Bugs Bunny eating a carrot. I'm talking about a hot dog. God, you almost had it. I was going to say...

Bugs Bunny eating a hot dog holding a carrot. So it's not the same. Todd, I'm afraid. I just got too excited. I'm afraid that you gave up in the middle, which means you lose. But that's because I got too excited. Well, that's part of the game. If you get too excited, it means you lose. Fine, your turn. Should have kept your wang tucked in your butt. Well, I can't do that because I like to see it.

Well, a man's got to have a code. All right. So, Andy, you and I play now. Okay. All right. So let's separately get our thing. Please don't make it Bugs Bunny. It will not be Bugs Bunny. Here we go. What if it is, though? Would you be super mad? I mean, I think the listeners would feel let down more than I would. Okay. All right. Here we go. I have my thing locked in. Are you locked in?

Yeah. Am I leading the countdown? You can. Do you want to? Todd, would that be fun? Yeah, it'd be really fun. Do you know how to count, kid? Yeah, wait a second. I thought we were friends. We are. Cool. Just giving you some older brother razzes. I like it. I wish I had a brother so bad. I never had a little brother. I never had a big brother. Well, I guess we're kind of like brothers. Cool, and Scott's your mom. Scott's your mom. Oh, my God.

Oh my God. Look at Scott's face. He's so upset. We said he's our mom. He's so mad. He's so mad. Oh man. He's turning bright blue. Three, two, one. Bugs Bunny.

Choking. He said, choke me, choke me. No, I'm choking. That's why I'm blue. He's showing us to choke him. Oh, God. Sorry. All right, here we go. Ready? I'm not going to say Bugs Bunny. All right. I got it. Ready? Here we go. Three, two, one. Bugs Bunny. Yeah! We are the champions of this game. And we kept on fighting. And we didn't wink at each other before we guessed. That's how we play. What am I thinking?

Nice. Well, it's Hollywood Facts, and we're going downtown. Going to Englewood now. Everybody do your facts and know your stars. There's glitz and glamour and lots of bars. Get a drink at a club. Then go walk in front of Chinese Theater. Hollywood Facts. Take out your dick. Check out the facts. It's the Hollywood Facts. Bro. Yep.

Bro remix. How many movies have you seen at Chinese theater lately? I used to go all the time. None recently. None recently. Yeah. They really fucked it up, didn't they? I gotta say, VOD's kind of killing it. You know, the world is so different now. I'm used to watching movies on my tablet. The world today is changing. I watch movies on YouTube. Oh, sorry. I was giving a keynote address. Yeah. Sorry. You're giving your TED Talk. I'm sorry. TED Talk slash upfront speech. Yep. The world today...

is changing. Kids now, they don't care where they watch content. Sorry, that's true. How do you, and this is a serious question, Andy. Yeah. How do you like the work that you do being called content? I like it. Like, as opposed to being called, say, dog shit. Which is what you're used to? Well, it certainly has been used. Right. Dad. Thanks, that's my time.

I don't know. Thanks, Todd. I don't like it. I don't like content. I don't like it. It's a little sterile. It's just like we need content. It doesn't matter how good it is, how bad it is. It just exists. It reduces what you do down to the same level as like something –

really good. Yeah, it's like, hey, give me 22 minutes. You should call it your little ideas. Yeah, your little ideas. How's your little career going? Todd, what are you doing under there? Don't look at me. Why am I not supposed to look at you? I'm pooping. Why are you pooping in the studio? Because you won't let me go to the freaking bathroom. Bathrooms are off limits, okay? I don't need you doing whatever weird stuff you're doing. I feel more comfortable pooping in a crowd.

Hey, it wouldn't be a problem if Todd was eating at the Burgundy Loaf, Mr. Show. Oh, great, great reference to one of the sketches that I wrote. Remember when you were on that? Yeah, yeah. I remember when I came up with that, going to Burl Stingray. You wrote it?

How did you bring it to them? What did you say about the idea? About the idea? Well, we went to Realston Gray for some meeting and Brian Poussin and I in the car. I said to him, hey, does this place have a shitter or is it too fancy? And we thought the idea was so interesting of a place too fancy to have a bathroom.

And so the next day at the meeting, I think we had like three real ideas. And then we said, all right, well, we have this other thing. And the three real ideas were discounted. That's always the way, right? Yeah. And then we were like, we got this other thing. I just thought about a place that was too fancy. I have a bathroom. And then they laughed hysterically for five minutes and said, okay, go write it up. That's wonderful. Yep. And then somehow a Cockney –

with a French name was put into it. I don't know. That is a little Mr. Show Minute. All right. Do we have a theme for Mr. Show Minute? Mr.

Comedy bang bang, comedy bang bang. Nice. Now. Well, it's Hollywood Facts and we're going downtown. Going to Englewood now. Everybody do your facts and know your stars. There's glitz and glamour and lots of bars. Get a drink at a club. Then go walk in front of the Chinese theater. Hollywood Facts. Take out your dick. Check out the facts. It's the Hollywood Facts, bro.

Good song. Todd, what do you think? If we listen to it 17 more times, we can memorize it. Let's hear it one more time.

Nice.

Can we all do it once without the music and try to say it? All right, here we go. Ooh, that's much better. Okay, first it goes, nice. Well, it's Hollywood, Facts. Going downtown. Going to Inglewood now. There's lots of glamour. There's glitz and glamour and lots of stars.

Clubs. Clubs? Bars. Lots of stars and then it goes to bars. Lots of stars. Lots of bars. And lots of bars. Going down Chinese. We got to hear it one more time.

Nice. Well, it's Hollywood Facts, and we're going downtown. Going to Englewood now. Everybody's doing your facts and know your stars. There's glitz and glamour and lots of bars. Get a drink at a club. Then go walk in front of Chinese Theater. Hollywood Facts. Okay, shut up. Check out your dick. Shut up, shut up. Check out the facts. All right, here we go. All right.

Nice. Well, it's Hollywood Facts and we're going downtown. Going to Inglewood now. Well, you gotta do your facts and know your stars. Get a drink at a bar. Get a bunch of drinks at a bar. This is excruciating. Hey, Sam. Sam!

Night. Well, it's Hollywood Facts and we're going downtown. Going to Englewood now. Everybody's doing your facts and know your stars. There's glitz and glamour and lots of bars. All right, shut up.

Everybody know your facts and know your stars. There's glitz and glamour and lots of stars. Lots of bars. Yeah, here we go. Nice. Well, it's Hollywood Facts and we're going downtown. Going to Englewood now. Gotta know your facts and know your stars. There's glitz and glamour and lots of bars. Ugh.

Let's hear it again. Get a drink at a club. And walk in front of the Chinese theater. Walk outside. No, got to hear it again. No, walk outside. Nice. Well, it's Hollywood Facts, and we're going downtown. Going to Englewood now. Everybody's doing your facts and know your stars. There's glitz and glamour and lots of bars. Get a drink at a club. Then go walk in front of the Chinese theater. Got it. Hollywood Facts.

Nice. Well, it's Hollywood Facts and we're going downtown. Going to Inglewood now. Gotta know your facts and know your stars. Gotta do your facts. Isn't it? Everybody know facts? Everybody do your facts and know your stars. You gotta do your facts and know your stars. Gotta do your facts. Nice.

Well, it's Hollywood Facts, and we're going downtown. Going to Englewood now. Everybody do your facts and know your stars. There's glitz and glamour and... Everybody do your facts. Everybody do your facts. And know your stars. And know your stars. There's glitz and glamour and lots of bars. Get a drink at a club, and then go walk in front of the Chinese theater. Hollywood Facts.

Take out your dicks. Okay, here we go. Nice. Well, it's Hollywood Facts and we're going downtown. Going to Inglewood now. Everybody do your facts and know your stars. Glitz and glamour and lots of bars. Get a drink at a club. And then walk in front of a Chinese theater. Hollywood Facts.

Check out your dicks. Hollywood facts. Check out the facts. It's the Hollywood. Fuck. We'll never get this. Check out the facts. It's the Hollywood facts. That was really good. Check out the facts. It's the Hollywood facts, bro. That's as good as it's going to get. Felt really satisfying.

Nice. Well, it's Hollywood Facts and we're going downtown. Going to Englewood now. Everybody do your facts and know your stars. There's glitz and glamour and lots of bars. Get a drink at a club and then walk in front of the Chinese Theater. Hollywood Facts.

Take out your dicks. Check out the facts. It's the Hollywood Facts, bro. Nailed it. Someone put a beat under that and send it to us. Nice. No, please not again. Great stuff. All right, guys, we need to take a break now that we've nailed that and spent a good 25 minutes trying to do that. When we come back, we'll have more comedy beanbag after this.

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Comedy Beanbag, we are back here with Andy the Man Sam. Land, we're back! Fallon. Hey, that's not bad. Thanks. Does he do you or do you do him? I can't remember. I do him. You did him with him when he hosted. It was really fun. Oh, cool. How's he sound again? Do a little bit of it. Do it. Hey, how's it going, my man?

Scott, your show's so funny, buddy. Wow, is that what it would be like if I was on a show? Yeah. Okay, introduce me. I will never be on The Tonight Show. All right, all right. I got to do Seth Meyers, of course. That was a big thrill, but I don't think I'll ever graduate to The Tonight Show. Don't say that, Scott. You've got to believe in yourself. Make this my Tonight Show experience. And call me over to the couch, too.

He doesn't... I don't think he does that. Yeah, but we'll do it. Will you be going on to do stand-up? Yeah, I'll do stand-up. Yeah, I'll do 10 minutes of stand-up after you introduce me and then call me over to the couch. Okay. Okay. But do the stand-up. Yeah, I'm gonna do it. Yeah, I really want you to do it. Yeah. Okay, my next guest is such a funny guy. I've seen him do stand-up so many years. He's been a part of great shows. He's got an awesome show on IC called Comedy Bang Bang. And...

You know, let's just bring him out. Put your hands together for Scott. I'm going to be bad. Not the music. It's the roots. Thanks, Doc. Hey, everyone. Johnny, thank you so much for having me here. Hey, you ever make a pancake?

And, no, that was it. You ever make a pancake? Yeah. Wait, one guy's made one. Yeah, I have. Okay. Did you eat it? No, it was for a friend. Oh, yeah, you're a good friend. Thank you. Well, that's my time. Is that 10 minutes yet? What is this guy doing? Fuck. This sucks.

Wait, you're the guy who made the pancake. Doesn't mean you're making comedy here. Well, you ever make comedy? Yeah, I do stand-up. You do stand-up? Get up here. All right. Excuse me. Hey, you guys ever like when you're like going to sleep, but you can't fall asleep, but you're like, why is my uncle like touching my tummy? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Knock it off. I don't touch your tummy. All right, sometimes I happen to rub. That's one of my jokes. I happen to like roll over the wrong way.

Excuse me, coming through. I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore. A dude from Network? Yes. Do you do stand-up? Sorry, I just thought people were going off on TV. How did you enjoy your posthumous Oscar? Pretty good. Great. Okay, so now call me over to the couch. Why is this guy looking at me? Call me over. He thinks I'm going to call him over to the couch? That stinks, man. Hey, Jimmy, Jimmy, over here. What do you want, buddy? Call me.

I'm not going over the couch. I'm going over the couch. This is the worst Fallon. Okay. Lock in. What's your trigger word for Fallon? So sad. Yeah. So psyched. Yeah. I auditioned as Fallon at a funeral and he just kept saying it was so sad. That's right. Wait, you auditioned for SNL? You did Fallon for your audition? Yeah. Interesting. What else did you do? I did Hans Gruber. Hans Gruber from Die Hard, of course. McClane.

That's all you got to do. That's all I did. I'm in. You said so sad, then you said McClain. Officer Jordan McClain. Okay, then who else did you do? Who else did I do? This is the audition that changed your life. I did Billy Bob Thornton, which I ended up doing on the show. Okay, and what word did you say for that? Kangle. Okay, great. So you just said three words and they cast you on SNL. Yeah, it was a swindle. That's how it works, kids. That's why they call me the great brain.

Swindles galore. Yeah, I like those. To jack off to. Yeah. Cool. Take notes, little dude. I am with my dick. Do you want to get a pinch of your dick? Don't use your dick to take the notes. But it's about dicks. That's true. That's a good point. All right, well, it's time for one of our favorite features on the show. It's time for a little something we like to call Would You Rather.

Nice. Well, it's Hollywood Facts and we're going downtown. Going to Englewood now. Everybody's doing your facts and know your stars. There's glitz and glamour and lots of bars. Get a drink at a club. Then go walk in front of the Chinese Theater. Hollywood Facts. Hollywood Facts.

Check out the facts. It's the Hollywood facts, bro. All right. It's time for Would You Rather, of course. We all know how this is played. People send me Would You Rather scenarios to my Twitter. Not my Twitter. Don't send them to me. People send them to CBBWYR, a.k.a. the Big Bang Theory Would You Rather. And people send them to me. I'll read it out loud.

I'll open the floor for questions. You're free to ask me any question you like about either of the scenarios in order to help narrow it down. I know a lot of information that's not contained within the question. So you can ask me anything. I know the answer. At a certain point, I'll close the floor for questions. No more questions can be asked. There will be no warning. I remember this. I've played this with you before. You do know the answer. I do know the answer. And you're very particular about it.

I will go around. I'll ask you both about your answers, and then we'll tally up the points, and we'll assign a winner. It's very, very simple. Here we go. And before we start, can I suck that dick? Which one? Play, play. All right, here we go. Okay, okay. This comes to us from Noah Kaplan. Noah asks, would you rather have Superman's powers but also have schizophrenia? Terrible disease that affects maybe...

I wonder what the percentages are. Maybe I would say 2% of the population. No, I'd go higher. Maybe 10%. I think less than 2%. Less than 2%. All right. Let's look that up. Or would you rather have to fuck any food before eating it? All right. Would you rather have the powers of Superman but have schizophrenia or have to fuck any food before eating it? I've opened the floor for questions. Question number one. Fuck to completion?

To completion of the food or of yourself? What are you asking? Like, do you have to get to the end of your sex on or in the food? You can't be a one-pump chump on this. No. I'm not talking about, I'm not worried about how long it takes me. I'm worried about eating the food with my jizz all over it. Yes, you have two jizz on the food. What if you already do one of those things? Wait a second. You have the powers of Superman? I'm crazy, man.

Then you can choose which other, if you're tired of that, you can choose the other thing. No, I don't really do. I'm just kidding. All right. I have a question. I have a question. Scott, can you do a little bit of schizophrenic Superman, your hit character? Oh, you love this character. I do. You know that's why, of course. Okay, here we go. Lois? I'm freaking out right now. Yeah.

Yeah, thank you. Oh, man. That sounds good for an exam. Did you see it? Yeah, he never does funny stuff like that at the house. Yeah, I was flying around, by the way, during that. Yeah, he was flying all around. Yeah, it was really weird. Okay. Yeah, Todd. If it's food, the food one, what if you're trying to eat something that's kind of separated, like chips or something, or the chips are on a plate, or it would hurt to fuck it?

Well, you're going to have then a real mangled dick because you're going to have to fuck those chips. You want them. Dems do rules. All right. So what if, can you do other kinds of sex with it? Like what types of sex? What do you know about, Todd? What other types of sex do you know about and who did you hear it from? Richard again? Anal and Richard. Ugh. Wait, so you want to stick this stuff up your butt then, Peter? I'm just wondering if that's an option. It's an option. It'd be easier to have anal with a cucumber than fuck a cucumber.

That's true, I guess. Have a cucumber, fuck you. I wouldn't want to eat it after I eat it. It wouldn't be? What don't I know? Todd, you're saying you'd rather shove a cucumber up your butt than just cut a hole in a cucumber and put your wang in through it? Yeah. Yeah, you are saying that. You are saying that. Well, all right. Yeah, you are allowed. Yeah, feel free. Dudes are free to put things in their butt. I got friends that like that. All right, cool. You have to do it to completion, though.

Until the cucumber comes? No, until you come from the cucumber. Hey, look. Cum is in the middle of cucumber, so it's natural. Cumber, it loves it. Let's just say we put the cum in cucumber. Literally. Which is the slogan of cucumbers. Yeah. In the world where everyone fucks their food. Yeah. In a world, remember? I remember that. Lake Bell. Lake Bell. Andy, you have a question? Yes. So...

Do we know what the schizophrenia, like what the characters, the different personalities are of Superman? Oh, like Sybil. Oh, okay. Yeah, you have Clark Kent. Uh-huh. And that's it. Oh, so it's just Superman. He already is like that. Superman powers. Superman powers, but he thinks he's Clark Kent sometimes. Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.

And that's, wait, what was the other part of that one? He has schizophrenia. He thinks he's Clark Kent. But then there was a plus side of that one. Well, you have his powers. So you have Superman's powers. But you have schizophrenia, meaning you have split personalities. Right, right. Okay, you're right. You're Superman and you think you're Clark Kent. So you're Superman and Clark Kent. Sure. Can I answer? Sounds terrible. No, don't answer. Yeah. Okay. Sounds awful, doesn't it? Schizophrenia. It's a terrible disease. Yeah. Yeah.

But what if both of the... Half the time you think you're Clark Kent, this mild-mannered weakling. Well, he's still pretty strong compared to me. Clark Kent is? Yeah. I don't know. And pretty dreamy. I don't know. Dreamy? You think Clark Kent is dreamy? He doesn't even really need his glasses. I need my glasses. That's true. Do you... What do you wear? Contacts when you do the show? No, I go like slightly blind. Really? On SNL, I do contacts because you got to read the cards. Right. But no one could ever tell I was.

Why don't you like contacts? I just think it's gross to touch your eyeballs. Yeah. I don't mind touching my eyeballs. I think it's gross to touch your eyeballs. Well, watch this. No. Track 13. Touching eyeballs. Yep. We could have just used my sound effect earlier, but yours was good too. No, mine's shorter. Yeah. Yeah. Fair dues. Todd, do you have a question? Yeah. Okay. So...

Let's say you're trying to have something really cold. Yep. Let's say it. So your penis doesn't want to have sex with the cold thing. Like a popsicle? Yeah, you can't. Eating, sucking popsicles? And you can't come to completion because... Because of shrinkage? Because you're tingling. It's tiny, like on sign vote, which I've never seen, so you won't let me. No, it's a bad show. Todd, I got to say, you've got a really good understanding of the male anatomy for a young man.

Well, he's had this giant penis for about a year now. Right, that's true. Getting used to it, figuring it out, doing whatever it does. Hey, there's no instruction manual on that thing. And I asked for one.

From the carnival? Yeah, I went back to that Zoltar and asked for an instruction manual for my new penis. What is Zoltar up to these days? It's weird. He did that one movie big. Yeah. Big success. Then he's not a name. Then he changed me. Yeah. That's like the first thing he's done in like 25 years. Hey, by the way, big success. Nice one. Mm-hmm.

Right back at you. Thanks for the memories. Cool. So your question is, what if you're unable to fuck it? Yeah, but can you eat it still if you're still really hungry and it's dessert? You cannot eat anything you do not fuck. I'm so sorry. So sorry, Todd. You can't eat any food that you haven't had sex with to completion. Yes, exactly. Meaning both of you cum. And by the way, you guys haven't asked about the...

You have to have it while it's alive if it's some sort of an animal. Oh, my God. I can't believe I didn't ask that. What if it's a vegetable that can think? Sometimes plants grow if you talk to them. Like the VeggieTales? Yeah, if it's a Christian VeggieTale. That's a good one.

That's the only thing I let her watch. Let him watch. I'm sorry. God damn it. Frame of reference, VeggieTales. VeggieTales. The only thing I can watch, they love Jesus and their fucking tomato and a green pear or something. Todd, it's good for you to watch that show. It teaches you the right lessons. That's right. I hate it. It sucks. What if they're alive? Yeah.

So if you wanted like a steak, you have to have sex with a cow until you both have an orgasm. Oh, you want to do it until you both have one. Okay, sure. I'll allow it. I thought that was the rule. Whatever weird shit you're into. But the cucumber has to come though. What does a cow say when it has an orgasm? What's that? This is my knock-knock joke. Okay. Okay, knock-knock. Someone say knock-knock. Knock-knock. What does a cow say when it has an orgasm? Who's there? Who's there? What? Hold on. Say it again. You say knock-knock. Knock-knock.

What does a cow say when it has an orgasm? Who's there? Ooh. Ooh.

Ooh, baby. Okay, I have a different spin on the same joke. All right, here we go. Okay, say knock-knock. Knock-knock. What does a cow say when it has an orgasm? Who's there? Oh, my God, I'm a fucking cow. Oh, fuck, look out. Here he comes. I'm a talking cow. Very good. Yeah, I like it. I love that joke. I think the knock-knock element just adds a level and a layer that I really think elevates it. It makes it art. Yeah. Yeah.

Any other questions here regarding the... You've asked basically nothing about the superheroes. Well, is it the Superman that we know and love or is it a different, more realistic version of it? You mean like Man of Steel movie? Yeah, like Man of Steel.

Meaning more realistic in what way? Like, does he have problems that we might not know about from the movies? Or is it less fun to be Superman than we might think based on the depiction of him in the media? Well, yes, it is because –

Flying that fast, you're unable to breathe, so you can't fly, really. No flying. No flying, yeah. It's not realistic. You wouldn't be able to breathe if you were flying like that. The wind would be rushing into your mouth so quickly that you would choke to death. So no flying. You're able to fly if you want to choke to death. Do you still have x-ray vision? You do, but it causes cancer with anything you use it on.

And you see, it's not like you can see through ladies. There aren't levels to it. You can't see through ladies' clothes. Right. You basically just see whatever is at the center of them. So you see gallbladders. That's about all you see. Does he live in a cool apartment? Todd, what's wrong? Why are you crying? Because I'm sad.

What's wrong? I thought we've been having fun this summer. If I was Superman, I had a cool apartment. I wouldn't have to live with you anymore. And I think that's cool. But then when I really thought about it, I felt kind of bad. Todd, are you upset that my sister dropped you off this summer? Yeah. And I'm sad to leave, too. I'm conflicted. I'm just a teen. Should I go? I could take off. No, I need you here. I need your uncle-y advice. I'm right here. What do I say to Todd? I don't really know what to say.

Todd's hurting inside. I just feel like I should say something. You're probably hurting inside because you guys are having a romantic relationship. I mean, look, that's just accidental. I roll over on Todd every once in a while. He takes it. I just don't think it's a viable sitcom, bitch. Really? That's what I really was asking you. We could probably do Netflix. We can go to Netflix, you know. I mean, I hear we have to have all the scripts written beforehand. That's fine. That's fine. We can do it in a weekend.

Bang it out. Just bang it out. Bang it out. Just bang it out. Me and you, just like old times. We'll eat some pee on that. Just bang it out. Just eat some pee. All right. Todd. Todd, get over it. Yep. Fine, I'm over it. Nice. Yeah. High five, Todd.

Nice! Guys, I missed the high five. All right. Great. Boys get over stuff easy. Yeah, we do. Yeah, we bounce back. Yeah. Have you ever seen a woman try to get over something? It takes forever. Yeah, it takes a million years. Yeah. Hey, but once they're over it, it's done. That's true. It's not like men. We hang on to shit. We get over it, but we keep holding on. Hey, you know what? I forgive, but I will never forget. I'll forget, but I'll never forget. So I'll know that I'm mad, but I don't remember why. Yeah.

That's a weird way to be. I've closed the floor for questions. Guys, God, there was no warning. I told you guys. I had another question. I told you guys. I had like 10 more. I know. You warned us that you weren't going to warn us. No, I don't know what you're talking about. All right. We have to vote here. Andy, how do you like to vote on this? You got the powers of Superman, but you are a schizophrenic. You're crazy. You think you're Clark Kent.

Or you have to fuck your food to completion. What do you say? Based on the facts that you've laid before me, the Hollywood facts? Nice. Well, it's Hollywood Facts, and we're going downtown. Going to Englewood now. Everybody do your facts and know your stars. There's glitz and glamour and lots of bars. Get a drink at our club. Then go watch the Chinese Theater.

Hollywood Facts. Take out your dick. Check out the facts. It's the Hollywood Facts, bro. So yes, based on those. Based on what? The facts.

So based on those, you would pick...

The temptation to do it again is just overwhelming. It is, but I won't do it. All right. So when you first brought up these two, I thought, no-brainer. Yep. Take out your brain. Superman. But then when you described...

The real world implications of Superman's powers. Sure. Forget about the schizophrenia. You could be Superman with no schizophrenia, just being Superman in today's world. The way it would affect people and hurt people and hurt the world. That's terrible. And then to ever have an orgasm, you would have to rub your rock hard man of steel dick on something so furiously you would kill any woman that you were trying to have sex with. Exactly. Mm-hmm.

Whereas in the other scenario, sure, you got to eat some jizz-covered food. Sure. Three times daily. But you get to stay healthy and happy and touch with your family and your loved ones. You still get to have normal sex. Now, then again, your family thinks you're a weirdo and they all leave you. Well, they will never eat with you. Well, and they all leave you and you die alone. But anyway, go ahead. Superman. I take Superman. Okay, great.

Very good. All right, Todd, what do you like to pick? The food one. Why do you like the food one? You were really responding to Superman's apartment. I know, but you never told me if he had one or not. Yeah, he does. So I still don't know. Oh, well, now I know. But I already locked it in. Yeah, you locked in your answer. Food. Why the food? Because I feel like I could get a lot of practice experience from doing the food thing, and then I'd be ready when I'm ready to have a relationship. And you like eating your own jizz, you wiener. Yeah.

No fair. Older brother razzing. Older brother razzing. I'm razzing you. I love you, bro. Thank you. So you think you'd get experience having sex with these animals and these plants? Well, I'd become a vegetarian and I'd only have sex with VeggieTales characters because I'm fully into them. After you guys get married. Oh, yeah. Because they wouldn't allow you to have sex. No. Until you got married. Unless I raped him.

Hey, come on, Todd. It's not that kind of a show. Look, I know that you're a 13-year-old boy and you haven't grown up enough to know that that's not the type of joke you make. Sorry. Sorry. You didn't teach me right then. Look, it's not my responsibility to teach you. I can't talk about forcing a vegetable to have sex with me? That's fine on this show, but... I can't say the R word. You can't say the R word, okay? Fine. Okay? That just takes people out of the show. We don't like that. Fine. I'll take advantage of them.

I don't like that either, but all right. All right. So we have one for fucking the food, one for Superman. With schizophrenia. With schizophrenia. And let's tally up the points. Well, you each get a point for what you voted for. So you're tied. Whoa. Oh, yeah. So both are right or both are wrong? Doesn't matter. Oh, shit. Points don't matter on this. Oh. Yep. Very good. Nice high five. Well, that's how we play Would You Rather.

Nice. Well, it's Hollywood Facts and we're going downtown. Going to Englewood now. Everybody's doing your facts and know your stars. There's glitz and glamour and lots of bars. Get a drink at our club. Then go walk in front of the Chinese Theater. Hollywood Facts. Take out your dick. Check out the facts. It's the Hollywood Facts, bro. All right. Good game, guys. Really competitive there.

Can a podcast be canceled? No. That is kind of the genius thing about the podcast system is it's, you know, we just put them out. You can't cancel it, can you? It doesn't matter who listens. Yeah. No one minding the switch on the quality. I love it. A real little slice of life. Yep.

All right, well, we just have one last feature on the show, and let's not play the Hollywood facts for this because we have a cool theme for this. It's time for a little something called plugs. Talk about the thing that you want to talk about. Is it time for the plugs, baby? Yes, indeed. Yes, indeed.

All right. I don't like that as much. Thanks for that plug submission. That was Tenacious D with plugs theme. I didn't think that was as good as Hollywood facts. Thanks, Tenacious D, for that plugs theme. If you have a plugs theme, head on over to Earwolf.com and you could be played on the show and you could be famous for a week. And Tenacious D, you are famous for a week. So enjoy that. Tenacious D. Yeah, I wonder how they got that on.

And we meant to play that a few weeks back. Sorry that I forgot. Anyway, all right, here we go. What do we got to plug? I just want a personal apology for the plugs. Do you want to record a plugs theme? Well, I just feel as if I could do better. Okay, can we, the freestyle rap theme, put that down, and then we'll get a plugs theme in it. And we'll try to play this on one of the next shows. Here we go. Ready. This is Andy Samberg with his attempt at a plugs theme. You want to help me with this, kid? Yeah. Totally. Cool. All right, here we go. I did it.

Alright, here we go. Here we go. You ready, kid? Yeah, I'm totally ready. Here comes the theme song for Plugs. Laying it down. Here we go. We're about to do it. A lot of preamble in this, I have to say. Gonna make a real song for Plugs.

Well, it's Hollywood Facts. It's going downtown. Going to Englewood now. Gotta know your facts and know your stars. There's glitz and glamour and lots of bars. Get a drink at a club. Then go walk in front of the Chinese Theater. Hollywood Facts. Take out your dicks. Check out the facts. It's the Hollywood Facts. Bro. Nice. Oh, plugs.

Todd got it. Very good. All right, we'll play that on a future show. All right, what do we have to plug, Andy? Of course, we got Brooklyn Nine-Nine this Sunday. You want everyone to watch, right? I just want to plug the James Franco roast. It aired over a year ago, but check that out. You can't see it. You cannot see it in its entirety online. Why is that? I don't know. I don't know if you can or not. Yeah, Brooklyn Nine-Nine this Sunday. And every Sunday after that.

For the rest of days. For the rest of all times and days. End of days, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Till the end of days. Mm-hmm. Airs again on Showtime. Whenever that happens, canceled. Yep. That was the deal. So hey, Showtime, if you want to combat this. Yeah. Showtime, if you feel like we're, you know. I know Showtime, you're owned by whoever owns CBS. Yes.

If you want, you know, if whatever is on CBS, The Good Wife or what have you, do you want that to be more popular? Air End of Days on Showtime. I wonder what is on CBS on Sundays. Well, The Good Wife is definitely on at 9's, but I wonder at 9's. Oh, The Amazing Race, I bet.

Okay, so Showtime, if you want a little bit of a bump on Amazing Race, just air End of Days and our show, Brooklyn 99, will be canceled. As per the agreement. Yep, that is the pledge that you and Mike Schur have made. Yep, plugs. Great. Anything else? What else is going on in the news? Shout out to my man Dennis Rodman holding it down over in Korea. Great. That's topical. Yep. All right.

All right, Todd, what do you have to plug? First, I want to plug Twitter. I have two Twitters I like to plug. Which ones? At Lauren Lapkus. How are you on Twitter? I just use someone else's phone whenever I can. Whose computer are you using? Is it Richard? Yeah, it's Richard's phone and computer. I don't like you on Twitter. Ugh.

That could be a good YouTube song. I don't like you on Twitter. Why are you always on Twitter? You're not the same guy when you're on Twitter.

All right, so what are these Twitter accounts? At Lauren Lapkus. Are these appropriate for a young man? Yeah. Yeah, they are. And at Tracy Reardon. Who's Tracy Reardon? Just the Twitter I like. I know Tracy. Is it the same Tracy? Yeah, it's her. I listen to her on your show. Why are you listening to my show? This isn't appropriate for you. Because I'm trying to learn more about you because you never open up. People making R-word jokes on the show. This is not appropriate. Sorry. Listen to your nephew. He wants to get inside. This is my therapist.

He wants to know you. How did you get in here? I was doing a Trojan horse inside the dead lawyer. Was it a lawyer? I think it was a lawyer. The dead lawyer. I did a dead Tauntaun out of his stomach. Yeah, you just burst out like a xenomorph. Like a xenomorph. Wow.

And what do you like about these Twitters? They're funny. They're good. Whatever. They're funny. They're good. And watch Orange is the New Black on Netflix and download Are You Here on Video On Demand from Amazon or iTunes. Why do you want people to do this? Because I heard those are good things. Why are you so asking me everything? I don't know. I don't like you watching these things. Let me do what I want. All right. All right.

Let's see. What do I want to plug? Ooh, the Comedy Beanbag TV show coming back soon. Coming back in – let's see. What do we got? About four weeks from now, we will be back. October 17th. We are back on the air for –

We got 10 episodes, then we're taking two weeks off, and then we got 40 more next year. Gonna fucking do it. So, yeah, but October 17, check it out. And then October 25th, I'll be at Festival Supreme with a band called Tenacious D. I think they did our plugs theme this week. You think? Yeah. Unreal. Festival Supreme, and Brendan Small will be there, and Cheech and Chong, and we're all going to get high.

Are you? Are you really going to get high? Yeah, we're all going to get high with Cheech and Chong. That's fun. Yeah, that's in the schedule. Cheech and Chong, 940 to 950. Is it on the set list? Yep. Can I come? No, Todd. You're going to be, hopefully my sister's going to pick you up by then. Probably not. Cheech and Chong set list is like intro, who's on first, get high. Get high. The end. Get high is just like an hour block. No, they're great comedians, of course. We owe a lot to them. Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, this might be kind of off topic, but have y'all seen that Anaconda video? Have you seen the grapefruit blowjob video? What is that, Todd? No, it's not. What is that? Everybody Google it now. What is it? I'm going to Google it. You're going to get a spanking when we get home if it's something inappropriate. Whatever. You're going to get a spanking anyway. I think giving Todd a spanking is inappropriate. Yeah, thank you. I'm too old. I don't think so. No one is too old for a spanking. What is this?

Fifty Shades of Grey. I assume I haven't read it. I've only seen the trailer for the film. Very good. Very good. All right, let's close up the old plug bag.

Closing up. Yeah. Closing up. Closing up. Closing up. Closing up. Brow. Guys. That was a good song. I forgot about the new addition to it. That's a good song. Guys, great episode. Great app. Was it? Thanks. Yeah. Time will tell. We'll see you next time.

We'll see in the best of list at the end of the year where this places. I would be curious if people were to give this podcast a letter grade what they would give it. They would give the part where we sang the song over and over an A+. Okay. Well, speaking of which, that's the only thing we have left to do on the show. Let's sing that song one last time. We'll see you next week. Stick the landing. Here we go.

Nice. We're the Hollywood Facts and we're going downtown. Going to Englewood now. Everybody do your facts and know your stars. And we like to have glamour and lots of bars. Get a drink at a club. Then walk in front of the Chinese Theater. Hollywood Facts. Take out your dicks. Check out the facts. It's the Hollywood Facts, bro. That's a good song. Here we go.

I won't let my moderate to severe plaque psoriasis symptoms define me. Emerge as you. In two clinical studies, Trimphia guselkumab, taken by injection, provided 90% clearer skin at 16 weeks in 7 out of 10 adults with moderate to severe plaque psoriasis. In a study, nearly 7 out of 10 patients with 90% clearer skin at 16 weeks were still clearer at 5 years.

At one year and thereafter, patients and healthcare providers knew that Tremphia was being used. This may have increased results. Results may vary. Serious allergic reactions may occur. Tremphia may increase your risk of infections and lower your ability to fight them. Before treatment, your doctor should check you for infections and tuberculosis. Tell your doctor if you have an infection or symptoms of infection, including fever.

sweats, chills, muscle aches, or cough. Tell your doctor if you had a vaccine or plan to. Emerge as you. Learn more about Tremfaya, including important safety information, at Tremfaya.com or call 1-877-578-3527. See our ad in Food & Wine magazine. For patients prescribed Tremfaya, cough support may be available.

Get ready to rack to school at your Nordstrom Rack store, because the deals are amazing. Levi's, Adidas, Volcom, and Hurley from only $20. Save on everyone's favorite denim, sneakers, boots, backpacks, and more at Nordstrom Rack. But hurry, get first dibs on new arrivals from just $20 and make it the best school year ever. Great brands, great prices. That's why you rack.

You've probably heard that Prime One Day delivery is fast, but exactly how fast are we talking? We're talking electronics to your door tomorrow fast. Headphones, speakers, tablets delivered fast. Game consoles, controllers, and cables delivered fast. Am I talking too fast? Fast one day delivery on 20 million items. It's on Prime.