Bonus Bang: Paul F. Tompkins, Loudon Wainwright III (Essential Andrew Lloyd Webber) 01:34:06

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Hey everyone, this is Scott Aukerman, host of Comedy Bang Bang, and welcome to another Bonus Bang. Bonus Bangs, of course, are previous episodes that we are releasing from behind the paywall, and we are in the middle of a series entitled The Essential Andrew Lloyd Webber.

And this episode came out August 4th, 2014. It's an episode called Puttering Around, episode number 303. It has Paul F. Tompkins as Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber, as well as singer-songwriter Loudon Wainwright III. Pretty amazing. He's come by the show a couple of times.

This is a great episode. We have so many classic bits on it. You're going to enjoy listening to it. And of course, if you like what you hear and want to hear the entire CBB archive, you can become a subscriber at CBBWorld.com, where you can find every single episode we've recorded, including all of the live episodes.

We're going to be back next week with a new episode of CBB, but until then, enjoy this bonus bang. Comedy bang, bang. Comedy bang, bang. Comedy bang, bang. Comedy bang, bang. Comedy bang, bang. Comedy bang, bang. Comedy bang, bang. Comedy bang, bang. Comedy bang, bang. Comedy bang, bang. Comedy bang, bang. Comedy bang, bang. Comedy bang, bang. Comedy bang, bang. Comedy bang, bang.

Whatever happened to predictability? The Milkman, the Paperboy, and evening TV? You miss your old familiar friends waiting just around the bend. Have mercy! John Stamos rules. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you, Not John Stamos, for that catchphrase. That's the one that's gonna stick, I think. From now on, that is it. That's my new What's Up Hot Dog. Really? Yep, that is the one. I love it.

Absolutely. All right. I mean, it's bound to happen. Absolute-ment. Absolute-ment. Welcome to French Comedy Bang Bang. Vive le Comédie-Bang. Oh, no, we're not speaking French. Just you and I are kind of French during the show. No, I know. Oh, okay.

This is making noise. My name is Scott Aukerman. I'm your host. I know. I'm with the most. Oh, I'm sorry. You're talking to the audience. Yeah, no. I apologize. Why would I be informing you of this? You've been on the show twice, I believe. Scott, you can imagine my confusion. I can't imagine it. Let me introduce myself. I am your host, Scott Aukerman. If you've never heard this program before, or let alone if you've never seen any kind of talk show before...

What usually happens is there's a host, someone who steers the program. Oh, boy. Asks the questions. Getting in on the ground floor. Sure. I mean, you may be a little baby who, you know, children are introduced to podcasts all the time. Every day, one child at least. So that's what happens is there's usually a guy who steers it, who kind of says, you know, at this point we need to wrap it up. That's about it. Steers it, wraps it up. And I am that man.

You, by the way, our guest to the right of me just adjusted his chair and he just immediately sank down to about chin level at the table. Lowering my status. Good. Not a difference to you. I am very high status at this point. To my right, our first guest on the program, our first taker? Yeah, first taker. He's been on the show, I believe, three times.

And that's it. Yeah, I think so. The best of 2013, the best of 2012, and the best of 2011. That's about it, maybe? I think so, yeah. That may be it. He's an old friend. I don't know why you don't drop by more often. Because I'm such an old friend. Oh, good. That I go to bed. I'm usually in bed this hour.

It's 11 in the morning, by the way. I usually wake up around 1 a.m. Oh, God. Yeah, and I putter around the house and do my gardening. There's really nothing else to do when you wake up in the middle of the night, is there? Other than putter around the house. Just putter around the house. It feels weird to work. You know, you're up. You've been awakened at...

Last night, for instance, for me, it was 5 a.m. 5 a.m., I'm awake. There's nothing to do but putter. Yeah. You know? I mean, you can't work. You can't watch TV. You can't, you know, otherwise you'll wake up your loved ones. You can't, you know, like you say, do gardening. The sun is out. Have you tried listening to the TV at a lower volume? You know what? I'm just afraid of waking anyone up in the house. Sure. Anyone. Yeah. Burglars, if they happen to be there, don't want to wake them up.

Does that dog of yours sleep through the night? Oh, yeah. He sleeps through the day. Right. Anyway. Dogs are lazy creatures. Dogs are lazy. Anyway, so he's an old friend. He just passed his bedtime. Paul F. Tompkins is here. Hooray for me. Hooray. Scott, what a pleasure to be here on a non-best of occasion. Hey, it's August. It's the middle of the year. I said, you know what?

Eight months have elapsed. Right. Let's get Paul back in here. It's a little past the middle of the year, wouldn't you say? Well, that is true. Just over the hump of the year. Hump. And it is hump day that we're recording this. Oh my God, you're right. So think about that. Well, I did think about that when I celebrated with my loved ones. Paul, we can't talk to you all day. No, and you shouldn't. We have another guest. That's right, you do.

To my left, sort of at 11 o'clock to me, I would say. And by the way, Paul just got up.

And he's walking, he's puttering around right now as if it's the middle of the night. I shouldn't be awake. What are you doing? I'm puttering. What is puttering, by the way? What is it exactly? It's not putting, is it? No. No. I picture puttering as like just wandering aimlessly around and sadly looking at things. You're not using your hands? Yeah, no. You're not like you should be using your hands. I feel like you're in a bathrobe. Your hands are in the bathrobe pockets. Okay.

And you're just going from room to room. You're maybe like flipping through a magazine. Yeah, but it's sad. Checking an email. Something sad about puttering. Yeah, arcane word. It is. At 11 o'clock to me, he is our returning champion. His second appearance on the show. I'm back. He is holding a guitar, by the way, which implies that he's going to be playing it at some point. Whoa! There it is.

He is a singer. Yeah. A songwriter, certainly. Oh, yeah. Oftentimes he sings the songs that he writes. I do that too. You ever written for anyone like Christina Aguilera or any of the pop people? I'm a million years old. I keep trying. Christina Aguilera or the pop people? The latest pop people, Christina Aguilera.

They turned me down, the pop people. Didn't they? I'm so sorry. He is one of my favorites. Please welcome back to the show, Loudon Wainwright III. Hello. Lovely to be here. Hello.

And you know Paul. Yeah. Where do you know each other from? From where do you – from whence? It was in San Francisco, as I recall. That's correct. We did the comedy festival up there in – when was it? That was last January. Oh, really? That was this past January. You don't say. We were guests on the WITS public radio show, which was doing a live performance up there. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

All checks out? It all checks out. Very good. And did you perform together or separately or both? We did end up performing. We did some sketches. Yeah, that's right. We did sketches. We've done sketch work together. Very good. We know each other from sketch. Right. From the world of sketch. We have a sketchy relationship. Paula Tompkins and Loudon Wainwright III.

And also an actor. We covered this on the last program, but from Undeclared and many Judd Apatow productions, as well as other things I would imagine. I haven't looked at your entire resume, nor have I memorized it. I was on MASH. Were you? Yes. Tell me about that. Captain Spalding, right? Yeah.

Paul. Wait, were you? Beautiful. Paul knows. You were Colonel Potter? No, I was Captain. If someone said Captain Spaulding, why would you say you were Colonel Potter? Because I just hear those things and I immediately translate it in my mind to Colonel Potter. I feel as if you're being willfully obtuse, Scott. Well, maybe.

What were you on MASH? I've been promoted to Colonel. I was Captain Calvin Spaulding, the singing surgeon, in the third season of MASH. The entire third season? No, I did three episodes in the third season. And it was with the original cast of the TV show. We're talking McClane Stevenson. Right, right. We're talking Wayne Rogers. Rogers, yes. Yeah. Alan Alda. Alan Alda. A clinger. A clinger.

Klinger was there too. Gary Berghoff. Yeah, yeah.

William Christopher. God, he knows everything. His father will kill you. All of them. The stars of Aftermash were all there. You watched a lot of MASH, I suspect. Oh, yes, absolutely. He knew who I was, and I was only in three episodes. I just watched an episode yesterday. You were not in it. So at this point, I do not know whether your facts are checking out. Somewhere in some place in the world, I am in it in some episode, in Guam or something. Was that a thrill to film out there?

On the West Coast. You filmed that, I believe, on the Fox lot. Right. And then we did the locations in Malibu Canyon. Malibu Canyon. Yeah. Was that a thrill? It was a thrill. It was a thrill. All those helicopters. Yeah. How many helicopters? All those helicopters. I never counted them. It was so long ago. You never counted them? No, no. It's a good way to fall asleep. Was it a lot of helicopters or just one that they shot over and over again? They had some film of one helicopter and they kept showing it over and over again.

They still have the rotting Jeep out there. I used to live in Woodland Hills more recently, and I actually went to Mount 5150. Oh, like the Van Halen album. Yeah. San Feliciano. Oh, very good. That's right. And Sammy Hagar lives there now. Right. You know what a 5150 is, right? Yes. Oh, of course. It's the best Van Halen album. Yeah. No, it's, yes. It was my actual address.

Wow. That's why we bought the house, because it was $51.50. Really? That just spoke to you? Yeah. So I went out to Malibu Canyon and hiked into the canyon to find the mash where they did all those mash scenes where they had that shot of the helicopter. Did you remember where it was? Well, I went online and my memory was refreshed. And there is a rotting old Jeep out there that's kind of commemorating. Wow.

All that great work. Can you see it through early morning fog? Well, I would always go in the afternoon when the fog was burned off because it was quite a walk and I didn't want to be disappointed. But before the sun went down, right? Yeah. Okay, good. Because you got to get out because they close the canyon. Oh, they do? Yeah. And where do you live now? I live in New York now. And what's the address there?

Let's see. What was that Van Halen? 5150. 300 Riverside Drive. I don't know why I'm telling you where I live. OU812 Riverside Drive. So close. You almost got in there. Too bad. Early bird gets the worm, Paul. That's true. And I love worms. Yummy. I think I'm a bird and I love to eat worms.

I had a duck in here recently. A guy who thought he was a duck. Anyway, long story. Weird. Now, Mr. Wainwright, you have a new record coming out. Yes. You have made your yearly pilgrimage to this program in order to promote and sing songs and celebrate. Yes. Celebrate the new release. Yes. And tell us about this record. I imagine it's round. Uh...

You got them. You didn't expect this to be such a tough interview. But the download isn't any particular shape at all. Well, I don't know. You know these kids today, they don't even buy these. Those zeros around in the ones and zeros. That's true. I should not have gotten high before this.

Really? Am I freaking you out right now? Well, he's freaking me out a little bit. Yeah. But what is the – I don't know. It's kind of a spoiler in my opinion, but I guess we'll allow it. But what is the title of this record? Haven't Got the Blues and then in parenthesis, Yet. And this implying that at some point you will have the blues or you have had the blues in the past or you will return to the blues. Yeah, the last record that I made was –

called Older Than My Old Man Now. I think we might have spoken about that. We've talked a lot about it. It was sort of your, I am... Death and Decay opus. I didn't want to say it. So this is my depression opus, the new one. Wait, so you actually deal, you have something to do about depression. The title track, which I'm going to play for you shortly, is... Can you hear my hands rubbing together in anticipation? Yeah.

I'm excited too. Hey, it's radio. And there's another song called Depression Blues. There are other things. There's a song on the record about alternate side of the street parking. Oh, good. I mean, after all, you do death and decay. Where can you go but alternate side of the street parking? No fire days. That's in my neighborhood. That's the sign. Sure, absolutely. No fire days. That's pretty nice. Paul, ask a question to Loudon.

Loudon, did you write the songs you performed on the MASH television program? I did. Although throughout my career, people have always said, did you write the theme songs for MASH? Suicide is Painless. God, I wish I had written the themes. Sure. Johnny Mandel. But I wrote about four songs for them, including a song about –

They had an episode, for instance, about Douglas MacArthur coming to visit. That's right. And I didn't even really know who Douglas MacArthur was, and they stuck me in a room with a manila envelope full of Douglas MacArthur biographical materials, and I had to come up with a song. Why did they have to stick you in a room? I mean, can't you just peruse it at your leisure? He would have gotten away. No, they gave me a room with pencils and a yellow legal pad. Did they take your shoelaces out? No.

No, they trusted me. But I had to come up with, I wrote songs for the show. I have a follow-up. Yes. Have you ever met a surgeon who plays the guitar? Knowingly. Wait, so you, and have you ever met one who does not know they play the guitar and does it in their sleep? No, you misunderstand.

Well, you know what? That's a good question, too. Hey, it's not bad. I've met doctors who've played the guitar. But a surgeon would want to protect his or her hands. That's what I was thinking. Yes. So, you know what? Calluses...

on your fingertips when you're opening up some thing. And you can cut yourself on guitar strings. You can, particularly when you change them. So probably... Have you ever, I'm sorry, have you ever been tuning and then the string snaps and hits you in the face? And then my eyes popped out.

Don't do that. You'll poke your eye out. My mother used to say that when I started playing. I'm still waiting for the answer to my question. Oh, I do apologize. Please. Have you ever met a surgeon who plays the guitar in his sleep? Geez, I know is the answer to that. All right. That's all I want to know. I would imagine a surgeon would only want to play one song like a surgeon over and over. I can't believe that there aren't surgeons who don't play the guitar.

There has to be. If you're a surgeon and you play the guitar, please write in. Sure, there you go. That's kind of a compromise. But they don't sound as good. Don't tell Leonard Cohen that. Oh, okay. He loves the nylon string guitar. Also, isn't a lot of flamenco music done on nylon string guitars? Primarily all of it. Most of it. Fantastic. We'll be back.

No. You had a follow-up, Paul? He had his follow-up. You want another follow-up? I have another follow-up. I'm happy to keep following up. Flamenco dancers, are their outfits often made of nylon? Ooh. One just walked in. Let's talk to her. Here we go. Hey, so are your outfits made of nylon? I see. Okay, thanks. That's all we wanted to know. Adios. Oh, there she goes. What a lovely lady. Yeah. Answered our questions right away. It's almost like she was waiting for it.

I never knew if you mentioned a flamenco dancer, one would appear. Yeah. Oh, she's back. Oh, no. Oh, it's her. Yo soy un flamenco dancer. Wait, is this Chupacabra? No. Oh, sorry. I'm a different guy. You sound exactly like him. Do I? Or do I sound a little more masculinidad? Oh, that's true. Flamenco dancer, we need you to leave at this point. All right, goodbye. Adios.

Your music needs to play, I think. I am still here. Goodbye, my friend. Back into his own dimension. His own dimension. All right. We need to return to speak. We can talk about MASH all day, but we need to talk about this new record. I haven't got the blues yet.

Mm-hmm. Is the title of it. That's all I know at this point. You want to hear the title track? I haven't gotten the blues. I haven't got the blues, parentheses, yet, close parentheses. Okay. I do want to hear the title track. I want to talk a little bit more about the record. Let's talk some more about it, though. Let's ratchet up the dramatic. I also want to hear the title track, and I also want to talk some more about it. Okay. This record is not out yet. Not yet. I'm sorry, not out, parentheses, yet, end parentheses. Okay.

But it will be out at some point. That's fair to say, right? Yes, it's out in September, I believe. September 9th is the information I have at my disposal, and I am not afraid to release that information. September 9th, the – not the Tuesday after Labor Day, certainly. So if you're coming down off of your Labor Day blues –

You know, you have a week. You have a week to get it after that. But after that, all bets are off. How hard do the Labor Day blues hit you every year? It just – it's so tough. I would so much rather be at work. There's something about honoring our nation's working men and women.

That just brings me down. Is that what it is? Is it honoring people who work or is it a day recognizing unions and the like? Well, it was originally for – it was a date that the government had created for women to have babies. They're all supposed to have babies on this one day? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. And nobody went along with it. And they used to throw – they used to imprison women. They used to put them in jail. Well, it's very difficult to try to time that exactly. I mean you have to have sex on New Year's Eve. Exactly. Well, why wouldn't you? Exactly.

Right? Sure, but a lot of people had too much champagne. They went to sleep before they could have sex. Well, that's on them. They were given a whole weekend to have this baby. That's true. And they had one night where all they had to do was get drunk, have sex. Oh, she's back. Did you not have sex? Who has someone here? You have to go away. We're in the middle of an interview with Mr. Wainwright. Adios. Where's that music? You need to go back. Goodbye. Oh.

So, Mr. Wainwright, this comes out September 9th by my clock of the year of our Lord, 2014. How many tracks are on this record? Gee, I think there's 14. 14? You're really loading it up. Yeah. I like it. You know how a lot of people put nine songs on a record these days?

I'm old school. It's got to be double digits. Yeah. And you know what? Like at least 10, right? At least. You know? And bonus tracks too. Yeah. How many bonus tracks do you have? Two bonus tracks. Two. So is it 14 plus two or is it 12 plus two? 14 plus two. The two bonus tracks, you can download them. Oh my goodness. From where? From when? From wherever you download that stuff. Oh my gosh. From the ether. And what separates these tracks? Do they fit in thematically or are they goof arounds?

Good question. What is... Well, you know how sometimes someone will put a bonus... Is that like butter? They'll put a bonus track on a record like, well, this doesn't fit in with the record. Well, the connecting thing is that I'm singing the bonus tracks in addition to the songs on the record. Oh, okay. So there is a connection. Very good. It's a very sort of Loudon Wainwright theme. It's a Loudon Wainwright thematically...

Now, we've spoken about this on the show before. I don't like to hear titles of songs because I don't like to be influenced about what I'm supposed to think about a song. You don't want to wait for that title. Yeah. You know, I don't want to be sitting around knowing in advance what the song is about or what the songwriter is trying to intend to say to me. I like to discover it on my own. How do you feel about that? I never even thought about that. I think that every CD should be just track one, track two, track three, track four, track five. Yeah.

And that – even there I don't like it because it's like, wait, you're trying to tell me how to – how I should listen to your record in what order songs should be played? What about album titles that you like?

No, absolutely not. Chicago 1, Chicago 2. See, I don't even like that because I prefer to play my Chicago albums in whatever sequence I like. Sometimes I'll play 14, then I'll go back to 2. So you'll load them all into your MP3 player. Sure, my 46 disc changer. And it's all just blank tracks. You don't know what you're going to be hearing. Don't know what it is. And then I'll discover it as it goes along and go, oh my God, the only problem there is if I really like something, it's impossible to find. Yeah. I worry...

Sometimes you're on the edge of a psychotic break. Oh, thank you. So what else can you tell us about this record? Why make more records? I don't know. It's a habit I've gotten into. I've made 26 records, and I ask myself that, why am I doing this again? Nobody buys these things.

And then you have to go out and trick someone into giving you the money to make them. Yeah. I'm running out of people to do that. Do you have investors? How does this work now? Or is it a label? I almost broke down and did a Kickstarter thing. But then I was able to trick somebody else. Who's this person who's been tricked? I can't say because I don't want to be dropped by the label before the album even comes out. But some wealthy eccentric millionaire? Yeah.

No, it was just a record label that hadn't heard of me and didn't know how badly my sales had gone. Well, look. Sadomasochistic record mogul. Here's what I want to impart upon the listeners of this program. We have musicians on occasionally. We just had Twin Shadow on a few weeks back.

And you've got to go out and buy their records if they're on the show. That's why they're here. And we need to do something called the CBB bump. I think that this has to be your best-selling record of all time to prove that it's worth it for you to come to this show, program I almost called it. Boy, that's putting on airs. I would say that if it's not –

Loudon's best-selling record of all time that, Scott, that makes you a failure. Yeah, it is. That reflects poorly on you. Hey, I'll accept that. So what we all need you to do is on September 9th,

immediately download this entire record. The entire thing, not just one song, although one song is okay. And can't rip files or anything? You have to pay money to download it. You have to actually pay money. Yeah, pay money to do it. Go out there or go to your- Look up how that's done. Or go to your local CD store. Sure. The old CD store. Up in Ventura. Ahoy there. Do you be looking for CDs? Yes.

You scurvy Dave. Wailing songs. But all of you buy this and prove to Mr. Wainwright here like, oh, wow, this is it. And so someone else paid for it. Did they give you an advance? They gave me an advance to make the record. So that covers the cost of making the record. And then you get to keep a little at the end. Oh, I like that. A little something, something. If you don't spend as much as, okay, I like it. I like it. Cocaine. Yeah, cocaine money. Yeah.

Do you get paid in cocaine nowadays? Not anymore. In the 70s, we were mostly paid in cocaine. Oh, my gosh. They put you in that room with all those files. Legal pads. Legal pads, pencils, and one mound of cocaine. So they'd have at it. And your box set was just out.

a few years back, right before your last record, which is great. It's a four CD, was it? I think it's five CDs. Five CDs. Just a great career-spanning box set if people want to know exactly what you're about and the breadth of your career. And now these recent two records are not covered on that box set. So here's what I would say. Buy the box set.

All five CDs of it. Listen to his entire career and then make your own best ofs, the last two records, and put it on at the end of that box set in one playlist. You got something there. And definitely take the time to go into your iTunes, erase the titles of all the tracks. Yes, definitely. Yeah. No matter how long it takes. Make it a weekend project. Make it your Labor Day project. I have to say, I'm an iTunes master. You can select all.

And then do Apple I for information and then erase every single track at the same time. It would take you exactly, I would say, 60 seconds to do. You don't need a weekend. That's longer than I would think. Well, I mean, because it'll probably, you'll get the spinning wheel there for a little bit while it works on it. Oh, the beach ball. Oh, the old beach ball. Which is a fun reminder of summer. That's true. When computers don't work. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

All right. I think we've – anything else you want to say about this record? Not a damn thing. All right. I love it. Coming out September 9th. Everyone buy it. I'm sick of thinking about it. This is the title track. We're going to hear it. Are you ready to play? Yeah. And we're going to go to break after this. This is Loudon Wainwright III with Haven't Got the Blues Yet. Haven't got the blues yet, but I am somewhat depressed.

I own several pairs of shoes should I choose to get dressed. When I wake up in the morning, life can seem so unfair. Although my woman hasn't left me yet, and there's a cleaning lady there. I'm knocking back the Chardonnay, popping Zoloft too. Got a lot of free time.

I haven't got the blues yet I'm just a little down I feel like Emmett Kelly You know that mopey circus clown

I haven't got the blues yet, but I admit I'm in the dumps. Everyone else is cheerful. I got a bad case of the grumps.

Hold up in my living room, I hardly get around. As for my composure, it's in the lost and found. I went to see a doctor, actually a therapist. He said, blame it on your parents, son. I kind of sort of loathed myself. Let me count the ways.

I haven't got the blues yet, but I'm experiencing malaise. Haven't got the blues yet, but it probably won't be long cause I'm feeling kind of bluish. That's why I wrote this song.

My life isn't tragic, but it's still a doggone shame. I'm not the man I used to be, but we're genetically the same. I like to wallow in it when I take a dive or dip. I suppose if I was English, I'd have a stiff upper leg. I'm just a little low.

But if and when I really get them, you're gonna be the first to know. I'm just a leaky super tanker. I got a lot of oil to spill. Feeling sorry for myself. But if I don't, who will? I got some of that ennui going.

Very nice. Very nice. Thank you very much. Thank you. Well, I'm depressed now. I don't want to continue with the show. I'm not. What? Yet. Oh, come on. Hey. Tell you what, we have to take a break. When we come back, we'll have more Loudon. Paul, I know you have to go, but it's been great seeing you. It's been great seeing you. It's been a while, by the way. It's been a while since I've seen you last. All right. So let's take a break. When we come back, we'll have more Loudon after this.

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years or older. Terms and conditions apply. Comedy bing bong, we are back. Loudon Wainwright III just treated us with a song, titular, by the way, and I'm going to keep saying titular. It's a beautiful word. Nice titulars. It's a beautiful word, isn't it? The more people say titular instead of eponymous, the happier I am.

The titular track from Haven't Caught the Blues yet we just heard. And it's an honorable profession, isn't it, being a songwriter? It is. Bringing joy to the world. We provide a service. I like this. My favorite songwriter is the guy who wrote Joy to the World.

How about the one that wrote, I like to make the world sing? Is that what he would like to do? Write the songs that make the whole world. Oh, Barry Manilow. I mean, maybe he sang that one. He didn't write it. What about I Like to Move It, Move It? Do you know that song? I don't know that song. How does that go? I like to move it, move it. What about MC Hammer, You Can't Touch This? Do you like that song? I do like that. That's one of his songs. You can't touch this. It's good. And it was right. He was right about it. You couldn't touch it.

What's your favorite song? Blowing in the Wind comes to mind for some reason. I don't know why. Did you want to be a songwriter of Bob Dylan's Ilk when you were starting out? Did you want to be sort of that kind of folk artist? Yeah.

Well, I suppose when everybody did, you know, in the beginning, he was pretty great. Yep. I remember seeing him in 1960, probably one, at the Newport Folk Festival. And it was pretty much of an earth-shattering experience. Are you one of the people who, when he plugged in, booed him and shouted at him? No, and I was there. Judas! I was there. You weren't one of the guys who shouted? Really? No. You can admit it. No, I loved it. I loved it.

Really? I thought – A little bit of revisionist history going on here. As a matter of fact, when Pete Seeger took the ax and tried to chop the electrics to – you know the story of him trying to pull out the plug to stop. I –

He wrestled Pete Sears to the ground. You wrestled him to the ground? Wow! Right, and held him down so that Bob could finish. I want to make a movie about this. This is amazing. Yeah. All right, very good. Well, you know, speaking of songwriters, what a wonderful profession it is. We have one of the best here with us. I don't know if you've ever met this gentleman, but he has been –

for his songwriting, which is... He is a lord. Yes. He is from across the pond, as they say. As I say and you say and we say. Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber. Yeah. Composer of songs from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. To whatever he's doing now. Starlight Express, of course. Roller skating trains. Ah, yeah.

Have you ever seen Starlight Express? No, I went to see Cats, though. Cats? I took my kids, who were very young then, and I was so proud of them because we came out of it. It was when it was a new show. Did the children enjoy it? They didn't, actually. Well, they shouldn't. It's not for children. No, it isn't. It's not for anyone, really. Well, it's for cats.

You made a show just for cats. I wrote it for cats. Okay. It makes more sense. Of course it does. That would explain all the makeup that they were wearing. Yes. That would appeal to cats. Exactly. Cats love makeup. To see those whiskers trembling as they dance about, the cats would go crazy. It was meant to be a precursor to those laser pointers.

Oh, I see. Wait, it was meant as a precursor to the laser pointers that you knew would be invented? Well, I knew some visionary would come up with something to entertain cats and befuddled and confound them for hours and hours. And Cats the Musical, based on an old possum's book of practical cats by rap inventor T.S. Eliot, was meant as...

a plaything for cats that they would enjoy the hunt, the thrill of chasing after people dressed as cats. The actors were meant to be chased through the theater by cats. Yes, yes. That's why they're all so lithe and athletic.

Can I ask, you said something, you slipped something in there, which I barely heard. Yes, I did. But it piqued my interest. And Loudon, maybe it piqued yours. Oh, I see. But you said T.S. Eliot, inventor of rap? Yes, I dare say that's the case. What is this? Inventor of rap? Yes, T.S. Eliot. Are you talking about hip-hop, the musical genre? Yes. Well, it's an American art form. And T.S. Eliot, to the best of my knowledge, is American. That's right. And he invented rap.

He was the inventor of it. Of course, it was pioneered much later than that by such American hip-hop artist as Deborah Harry.

The end. The end. I've never heard that theory or theorem before. Well, you've heard it now. What's the difference between a theory and a theorem? A theory is something that you think, I have a theory about that. I think that this happened. A theorem is when you say the same thing, but you're wearing a laboratory coat. Very good.

So have you ever heard of this, Loudon? I never have. Are you a T.S. Eliot fan? I'm a buff. Whenever I putter, I find myself doing his stuff. Constantly going into the library, taking a tome of T.S. Eliot. Are we talking about puttering? I do love a putter. Oh, really? What do you do when you putter? I put my hands into my dressing gown and I just wander around from room to room in my mansion and flip through magazines, check emails. Yeah.

Wonderful life. What time do you wake up at night? Typically, I wake up around 1 a.m., and then I'll have a good putter for about eight hours or so, and then I— That's a third of your day. Yes, that's right. Yeah. That's right. And how long do you sleep? I take little—you'll pardon the expression—cap naps throughout the day, as most geniuses do. Micro-naps? Micro-naps.

During which I make many micro-expressions. Very good. As I dream of chasing the postman. You're making a lot right now, by the way. Yes, I am. My face is very expressive. Yes. That's why I'm a lord. So...

Is this why you came is just to postulate that theorem that T.S. Eliot is the inventor of rap? No, because as many know, it's been in the news rather recently that I'm planning on updating Cats the musical. And this time, hopefully, a bunch of cats will come. Okay. Entertainment news, you mean? Entertainment news. Not the regular news. What other kind of news is there, dear boy? Ah, yes. Bed, coffee, eat.

Hashtag. So, hashtag. I'm rebooting Cats, the musical. Wonderful. And I am adding, I'm updating it a bit by making Rum Tum Tugger a very curious cat. Oh, I love it. My favorite character. Why is he your favorite? He's just, he's a scoundrel. He's a perverse scoundrel.

Scoundrel! Yes, he's a pervert. He's a disgusting creature. Yes. He's an alley cat. He's an alley cat. The worst kind of cat. The lowest kind of cat. He doesn't have a home. He eats fish skeletons and so forth. Yes, he's out of garbage cans that have been overturned. You throw a clock at him because he's making a terrible racket on the fence. With his buddy's Heathcliff. Garfield. Garfield. Yes. Oh.

Anyway, he's going to rap in Cats because there's something about him that's very, dare I say, urban, in addition to being urbane. And I think that he is very well suited for rap. And then I thought, well, bless my buttons, why don't I do that for all of my musicals? Add a rap song into each one? Insert a rap song into each one. Well, that is very timely. I mean— It's very—

It's very timely. Rap music has never been more popular. I think rap music has finally started to catch on. That's true. Loudon, have you ever done a rap song?

Yeah, I did. Yours or someone else's? No, I wrote a song called Y2K, which was more or less a rap song. But of course, Y2K didn't happen. Do you still play it? No, not anymore. I've forgotten it. That's too bad. Was it like Y2K, Y2K? Why is this coming? I can't say. I say this rather good. It's pretty good, actually. I heard it the other day.

I mean, I was on iTunes listening to my stuff. I was going to say, where did you hear your Y2K rap? That makes me feel this alone. Yes. I was just listening. Was that part of your putter session? Yeah, I spent about a third of my day listening to my old material just to cheer myself up. But only the iTunes 30 seconds that they'll let you play without downloading it?

Oh, yeah. That's all I need is 30 seconds. That's all it takes. That's all it takes. I get it. I am someone, I think to myself. I exist. I did that. I did a rap song. I listened to samples of Evita today. Really? Don't cry for me, and then it ends. That's a good one. That's right. That was a good one. You get a good chunk of the chorus with those previews. Did you write that about the World Cup this year? Yes, I did. Very good. I wrote it about the World Cup this year. It's 25 years ago. That's right. Yeah.

Impressions. Thank you. Words. Word. That's something you should use in your rap songs. Word. A lot of people in rap say word all the time. Word to your mother. Hey, you've been studying up. Indeed I have. Did your Y2K rap, Loudon, have word to your mother in it? No, it didn't. That's an oversight.

All right. So you're going to slip rap songs into every single one of your musicals. Yes. This is amazing. Can you tell us any examples? Well, I'm starting with, of course, where it all started, Jesus Christ Superstar. Ah, very good. It's the story of Jesus Christ and how he became a superstar. I like to think he was a superstar at the beginning of that musical, and it was all about the fall, the comedown. Oh, like a sort of star is born. Sure, yeah, or like Boogie Nights.

Well, Boogie Nights is the rise and then the fall. You don't know Boogie Nights? No. What is that? Loudon, do you know Boogie Nights? It's a movie, isn't it? It is a movie. What's your favorite movie? Oh, it's not an annual event. Join us for Boogie Nights. A nightly event.

Join us for boogie nights. Well, you know, we did it at Six Flags. You ever been to Six Flags, Ludden? Never. Really? Have you ever been on a roller coaster? But I was at Disneyland the year that it opened in 1956. You don't say. Were you there when Walt Disney opened it up for the very first day? Were you booing him like you booed Bob Dylan? No, I wasn't there that day, but I was there the very first year that it opened. Wow. Is it true that it's in that tiki room?

where they have the various tropical birds. They sing a little song to you, they're animatronic. In the tiki-tiki-tiki-tiki room. Yes, is that how it goes? Yes, I believe so. Is it true that in the early days, that the little songs would end with, get out, Jews? I'm having a sense memory now, I think that's true. Oh, wow. I've been...

Holding it in for 50 years. Terrible. I think it was explained to Mr. Disney later that that perhaps was not a good thing to include. Right, yeah. He's like, it's just the way I feel. Exactly. And the way these birds feel. He tried to pass it off on the birds. Oh, sure, yeah. Oh, sure, Walt. It's how the birds feel. Um...

And what is your – you've never been on a roller coaster or you have been on a roller coaster? I've been on a roller coaster. Do you call them rolly coasters or rolling? No, I call them roller coasters, which is what they – That is what – that's really the proper name. And which roller coasters have you been on? Can you count them off on one hand? This one in Rye, New York, near where I grew up, called Playland. All right. Then I went – I used to go to this place in Rhode Island called –

I'm a squamicate. And when you are on a ride, do you lift your hands up or do you keep them tight on that bar? I would say I kind of hold – keep my hands in. Keep your hands in. Yeah. And do you sit next to someone or do you like the whole thing to yourself? Well, I haven't done this in years and years. Really? Yeah. I have a question. Yes.

Are you no longer interested in my story? No, I'll get back to it. He's having a follow-up with me, do you mind? We seem to be talking about rolling coasters. But what I'm wondering is, do you think you'll ever get back on one before you pass on to the next whatever dimension is next out there, which may be filled with rolly coasters?

What a way to go though. I mean if I do decide to choose a way to kill myself. You hope it derails and just – Or I could stand up. That's true. Or jump out even. Well, they make those safety bars now where you can't even lift them up anymore. But sometimes there's ways around it. I'll talk to you after the show. Do you know how I'm going to die? How's that? I'm going to ride a rocket into Sir Richard Branson's hot air balloon. Okay.

That's right. Taking us both out in the process. You have a thing about him, don't you? I can't stand him. Yeah. I met him. He was a nice guy. I thought. I thought so. Yeah. Great hair. He's only a sir. So, and what is the difference, by the way, between a sir and a lord? What is the difference between addressing someone as sir and talking to Almighty God? Okay, that's true. All right. I want to get back to you. Oh, do you? Lord Andrew. This is a treat. Oh.

Because I want to know about these hip-hop songs that you're putting into Jesus Christ Superstar. Well, you know, in Jesus Christ Superstar, the bloke who steals the show is then Judas. And he's got very showy songs. And I thought, well, that's a bit unfair to Jesus. He was the savior after all. Why not? Yeah, throw him a bone as it were. Why not give him the rapping song?

Okay. And sort of start out the show as a sort of prologue so the audience knows, oh, I see what this fellow's all about. So this is going to be the first song that they see. This will be the very first song. Is this the new hip-hop song you're writing? That's correct. Okay. I wonder, I don't wish to presume, would you mind if I were to...

For lack of a better term. What are you going to say? Spit some rhymes? Of course. Of course. Do you need a beat of some sort? I'll take a beat if you have one. Do we have anything? Yeah, we have our freestyle rap competition beat. Oh, that'll do. All right. Well, let's hear a little bit of this. This is going to be... Opening song to Jesus Christ Superstar. Oh, my goodness. Here we go.

Yes, here we go. I'm about to drop some religion on all you Oedipus Rexes.

Well, my name's Jesus Christ, and I'm here to say it's fun to rap in a spiritually ambiguous way. Got a best mate. Namer Judas had occasion recently to say to him, you despicable swine, you betray me to the feds? See if I ever turn your stones to bread. I'm just a young G from Nazareth. Now some frontin' Pharisees wish to put me to death? And for what? For befriending a prostitute? Or for giving evil temple money lenders the boot?

All I'm trying to do is rap to folks about love and to question the design of our God above. Now it's crucifixion time, so I've got to jet. Buy Loudon Wainwright's album, haven't got the blues yet. Worked in a plug. Wow, so you worked in a plug. Hello, composer. To Loudon.

Loudon's new record. Yes, off the top of the dome, as it were. And this is going to be in every production of Jesus Christ Superstar from now on. That's correct. Wow. From now until the earth is destroyed. Will they update it with all of Loudon's successive albums? No, I'm sorry. Okay. Okay.

That's the best I could do. I hope it's enough. It will serve. It will. It will be great. Well, that's fantastic. And, you know— I do. I do have to say it spoils the plot a little bit. What, the bit about the crucifixion? Yeah, about Judas selling him out to the FBI, was it? The feds. The feds. The equivalent of the FBI, I suppose, back in those days, Bible times. I don't know whether, you know, Israel was a federation at that point, but— Right.

It's poetical language, dear boy. All right. Very good. Very good. You know, hey, it was pretty good. Oh, pretty good. You know, I don't know. How many drafts, Loudon, of songs do you do? Do you just like lay it out and that's it? Or do you do, you know, several drafts of it? Do you try to improve it as it goes along? I try to make it improve it, yeah. But how? How? I don't understand. Don't you like to work on it for a while or improve it? Well, I work on it.

by writing it down. And then it's done. Then it's done. I've written it down. I have the ideas. I put them pen to paper. They stick me in a room with a yellow legal pad, a pen, a mound of cocaine. And then when I'm done, I have a musical. I believe we've spoken about it on the show before. All of your musicals are based on dreams you've had. Yes. I work primarily in my dreams. Right. And so I dreamed up

This rapture will solve the mountain, Jesus of Nazareth. Was the Loudoun reference in your dream? Just a coincidence. Wow. Isn't that funny? Isn't that strange? It is very strange. What a queer life it is. It truly is. How many years left do you have on this big blue marble? Well, let's see. I'm not as young as I used to be. That's true. None of us are. None of us are. Except for old Benji.

Benjamin Button. A curious case. Did you ever meet him? I have. We haven't crossed paths just yet. You know, I seek him out everywhere I go. I like to think like Johnny Appleseed and Paul Bunyan. You'll, you know, meet one day. Did they meet? I believe it. Johnny Appleseed and Paul Bunyan? I think they met at one point. Now, I was talking about this recently with someone. Paul Bunyan. Yes. We know him as a giant. He's a giant man. Is that correct? He ate a lot of flapjacks. Well, yes, of course. Because of the very feeling. Stick to your ribs.

He had a best friend who was an ox. Sure. A blue ox. Babe. Babe, the blue ox. I was just saying babe. Was... Dennis Miller impression? Yeah, I was doing my Dennis Miller impression, babe. Was Babe the blue ox also a giant compared to other oxen? Yes. Or was he just...

A regular sized oxen. Ox and he's blue and that's what's remarkable about him. And Paul Bunyan is...

is a large man but not the sort of Godzilla-sized fellow. I think, and this is interesting, do you know the story? Well, I've seen pictures and I think Babe is larger than your average ox. Which, if you were writing a screenplay about this, the producer would probably say that's too many coincidences. He has too many fantastical things about him.

Make him blue or make him big. He can't be both. And his axe was, Paul Bunyan's axe was very big too. That's true. How does he get larger than any axe you could ever- It makes it not a sort of, like an axe they give you at a giveaway at a baseball game. I mean, I guess that's less- It's axe day. Come get your miniature axe. That's less fantastic because axes, as far as I know, are man-made.

As far as you know. So one can surmise that either a giant man could make a giant axe or a bunch of tiny men could – or regular-sized men could make – are there tiny men in the Paul Bunyan universe? Are there three sizes of men, regular size, large men, and tiny men?

I think you're thinking of Gulliver's Travels. What? Do they ever meet? I mean, Johnny Appleseed met him. When did they? What is this meeting between Johnny Appleseed and Paul Bunyan? I think they met, you know, along the road one day. I say, why did Johnny Appleseed wear that pot on his head? It's weird. What was that in aid of? It's like, go plant your apples. You don't have to wear a pot on your head. Was he worried about shrapnel? A lot of people don't realize Johnny Appleseed was in the middle of World War I.

He was gassed. He wore a gas mask and a pot over his head. Gas mask, pot on his head. Well, Andrew, I beg your pardon? I'm so sorry. My word. I'm so sorry. I'm getting very familiar. That's bang out of order. Okay. Lord Weber. Yeah. That was fantastic. Do you have anything else to share with us or is that all you wanted to come by to speak about? I just wanted to come by.

To speak about that. Would you like to hear another master songwriter at work? And when I say that, I mean Loudon Wainwright III. At least you're not talking about Tim Rice. Why did you stop working with him? You know, musical partnerships are very delicate things. Yeah. Loudon, were you ever in a partnership, a duo, like an Everly Brothers type duo? No. No. Always your own man, huh? Yeah. Yeah. That's a way to go, isn't it? It is. Yeah. Yeah.

Like Tim Rice, that guy. What did he ever do? Yeah, he went on to do the Lion King. Chess. Chess, yeah. Rangok, Oriental City. Back of my neck getting dirty and gritty. He was one of the original rappers. Of course he was. Props.

All right, so Loudon, do you have another song that you'd like to play? And what is it? And are you going to play it on your guitar, which is currently behind you? And I would like you to pick it up. Is there a way? May I leave before you say the title? I don't like to hear the titles of songs. Oh, that's very good. Because I like to decide what the song is about. All right, leave the room. He'll say the title, then come back. Jirio! May I have some water? Oh, certainly.

There's some right there. Thank you. And if you are making a sound effects record currently out there at home. Go ahead and rip this file. It's one of those. Hopefully you're making a sound effects record of some water being poured while a man exhales. Make sure to accurately title that. All right. What song is this? Well, did you ever hear my song Here Come the Choppers? Was that from MASH? No, but that's a good connection. All right.

No, I wrote it when I lived in L.A. Really? And I'm doing this show at some point here in town. You're doing a show, I know, at Largo in October, supposedly. But I was trying to remember this song since I was coming back to L.A. When did you write it? I wrote it in 2005 when we were about to go back into Iraq, we being the George W. Bush and co. Oh, not you and your family. Yeah, no, the royal we. Okay. Or the...

So I was thinking that I would sing this. Let's see how this goes. Up there on Wilshire, the whirlybird zoo. Above the El Rey, circling the Congo room. They turn out the lights, pull off the stoppers. Get off the streets now, here come the choppers.

Here come the choppers. Just when we thought we were safe in our houses and we couldn't get caught, the choppers are back. They were gone for a while, but now we're under attack in the Miracle Mile. We're together alone and there's nowhere to go.

We live in a war zone on Museum Row. No, this is no game of robbers and coppers. Hide under your lemon trees. Here come the choppers. Read us our rights. We're the criminal faction. Hit by the lights.

caught in the action our entire performance is captured on tape knocking over all garbage as we try to escape they're strafing rouse attention shoppers get out of the store

Here come the choppers. Don't bother with paper. Take a black plastic bag. They're buzzing cuckoo chicken hovering over sag. Just when you hoped that they might call it quits, the choppers turn toward the La Brea Tar.

pits one saber-toothed sculpture snarls at the sky. Mammoth made of stone seems ready to die. So many sorties look out Staples, Blockbuster, Office Depot their sights set on Savon surveying writing

♪ At Mo' Better Meaty Meat Burgers ♪ ♪ Be very afraid ♪ ♪ North to the Grove ♪ ♪ West to Fairfax ♪ ♪ At DuPars duck and cover ♪ ♪ Here come the attacks ♪ ♪ The inspectors found nothing ♪ ♪ That's just not right ♪ ♪ Whole Foods and Kmart are targets tonight ♪ ♪ The Meridian Health Club ♪

hidden machine of torture it will be blown to smithereens some will be made most will be killed once mom takes out the whole writers guild and the tramp camped on curse on lives in his dream from his ralph shopping cart he heads his regime but his days are numbered

For in a short while, this ouster takes place on the Miracle Mile. Now it's getting quiet. Do you feel the calm? Remembering those movies they made about Nam? Could this be the end of this latest attack? Wait, I hear the chopper. Here come the choppers.

I hear the choppers. Very nice. Powerful. Maybe the only song I've ever heard that has a Moe Better Meaty Meatburgers reference in it. They tore it down, Moe Better Meat. I know. Every time I drive by and it's not there. I never went to it, but I love the title. I never went to it either. Well, that's why they tore it down. I was listening at the door. Would it have killed you to reference Who Might Not Be House Alone? I don't know.

That's true. I'll try to slip that in. All right. When we come back, we will have more. I know you have to go, Lord Weber. Wow. All he said was kapoof, and then we heard the sound effect kapoof, and he was gone. We'll be right back with more Loudon Wainwright III. Come on.

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Comedy Bing Bong. We are back here with Loudon Wainwright III. And he just played Here Come the Choppers. And what record is that on? That's on a record called Here Come the Choppers. Called Here Come the Choppers. Here's what I want people to do. We talked about the CBB bump earlier for your record.

What I want you to do when you're listening to this right now, everyone who's listening, go buy that on iTunes. Please. How much? Probably 99 cents, maybe even 79. Who knows? Buy that one song. Don't buy anything else, even if you want to.

Just buy that one song, and then when you get the reports back of how many people bought that one song. I'll know what a great show you have. Yeah, exactly. And you'll be rich as well. So everyone do that for Mr. Wainwright, please, if that would be okay. Very good. And you're going to be playing something coming up at the end of the show as well. It's always a treat to have you here. Great to be here. Now, one thing that I wanted to know about your process was – A $50 process? Yeah.

Do you write the words or the music first? Man, that question is the dumbest-ass question. What? What is happening over here? It's the alphabet.

Who is this? How did I get in? Who is this coming into this? Who is this? How rude. As I live and breathe, it's Buddy Velastro or Velastro? You got it right. I got it right. I bet you got it right by accident. The cake boss is here. Cake boss. Oh, hey. Hey. Not a way to write the third. How you doing, man? My favorite actor. He played the preacher in 40-Year-Old Virgin. That's right. Oh, my God.

Gosh, do you know the Cake Boss here? I think, yeah, we met. Was it in San Francisco? I believe we met in San Francisco. That's right. Oh, very nice. And we are together. This must be Los Angeles. Do you not know where you are? No. I'll be honest with you. Please do. I accept nothing less than complete candor. I was on my boat. I was taking the cake crew out.

For a fun outing. A cake cruise with the cake crew? Exactly. Cake cruise with the cake crew. Okay. And, you know, we were making cakes. We're on the deck up there. It's a big boat I got. And we have a place called S.S. Fontant. And so we're making cakes. And then all of a sudden, this thick fog came.

comes over us. This was a thick fog. It was like as thick as cake batter. Were you able to see a jeep, a burnt out jeep through this thick fog? Were there to be one there? Let's see. It was early morning,

No. Couldn't see a jeep. Gives me a good picture in my mind. So I got lost. Now, this has happened once before, and I was rescued by the Coast Guard. They're brave men and women. Oh, I read about this. Who did you? Yeah, I think so. This was in the news, the entertainment news. What? It was in the news? Yeah, it was reported upon.

Well, probably by just a small little outlet, right? I mean... To be honest, no, everyone heard about it. Everyone was sending it to me on Twitter constantly. Well, it's not like it was on CNN. Oh, yeah, it was covered on the cable news network. Oh, gross, my mouth is mortifying. Everybody knows I'm not good as a sea captain.

No. I'm terrible at it. You are pretty bad at it. I get at sea and then I'm all at sea. Yeah. How often are you out there on a boat? It's pretty often. Like, I got the boat. We go out there every weekend and I get launched every single time. Loudon, do you own a boat? You're a powerful entertainer. I do own a boat. Yeah? I own two boats. Two boats? They're sailboats, yeah. They're sailboats. Fantastic. Do you go around the world on them or do you just- No, no. I just sail around. Just putter around the harbor? I putter.

Very good. But they're not motorboats. They're sailboats. Oh, very good. And you know how to do it? You do it yourself or do you hire someone to do it? No, I learned how to do it. Oh, you have two boats? Do you know how to do it? What kind of a question is that?

Why would a guy who has two boats not know how to shale them? I don't know. He's a rich songwriter. You can hire someone to drive him out on a boat. A soon-to-be-rich songwriter. That's true. Oh, boy. This is going to be exciting. So, yeah. I'm sorry. Buddy, everyone told me about this. Oh, this is embarrassing. Where did you wash up? We were in the middle of the harbor.

and we didn't wash up somewhere. The ghost god came and found us. We were just stuck in the fog. We look around. I'm like, is this a Stephen King thing? It's just the mist and his giant praying man is going to snatch us up. Or is it a John Carpenter thing? The fog? What's that? That's a movie. Wait, you know Stephen King's The Mist, but you don't know John Carpenter's The Fog? Who? John Carpenter? John Carpenter?

He directed Halloween? Not the guy who Vampires of Mars, John Carpenter. Yeah, that guy. He had some more successful films earlier in his career. Which ones? Oh, I love Vampires of Mars. Halloween, The Thing. Also, it was Ghost of Mars, I'm realizing. And Vampires was a different movie. Well, hey. And what was that Eddie Murphy vampire film? Vampire of Brooklyn. Yeah, that's Wes Craven. It's my favorite movie. Really? Yep. What's your favorite movie, Loudon? Um...

Tokyo Story. Tokyo Story. What is that? I'm trying to think of that. That's an Ozu film. It's a Japanese film. Oh. Are there guns in it? No, there's not a damn gun in it. Oh, that's good. If I ever see one gun in a movie, I stand up, I walk right out. Is that what inspired your song, Oh Tokyo, that you sang in MASH?

No, it didn't. You're a fan of his work in MASH? I love that shog. It name checks sashimi, clean sheets, sake. Come on, no. Come on, no. Come on, no. Buddy, back to you. Listen, I keep getting lost in the fog. And what's terrible is that, you know, the first time it happened, luckily I made a rescue flare out of cake.

Wait, how do you do that? It's complex ingredients. Look, I got a fully stocked cake kitchen on board the boat. Right. On board the SS Fondant. And I was able to create using everyday cake ingredients a flare gun.

How do you create the gunpowder in it? Cinnamon? A lot of cinnamon is involved. Not too much. No, I don't want it to come alive. Okay. A lot of cinnamon. You know what the secret ingredient is? Schultz. Schultz. Yeah, you think like cake is sweet, but you got to put some Schultz in there. Oh, my goodness. Yeah. And egg whites. Don't use a real egg. Oh, okay. Yeah. Why is that?

Well, you got to watch out. Okay, good. I thought you maybe had a cake tip. Nope, no cake tips here. Just a health tip. Just a health tip. All right, very good. So Senator Coast Guard comes and finds us and they say, anything unusual happen while you were there? And I was like, why are you asking me that question, Coast Guard? They're like, never mind. I never asked you nothing. That's odd. Well, the next time I get caught in the fog, something unusual did happen. What's that? There were these spectral creatures coming out of the mist.

and saying things to us. Me and the rest of the cake crew on the cake cruise, they were saying...

Do not trust his lies. What? Who? Who would they? That's what I asked Scott Oxenberg. I said, who are you talking about? Are they talking about you? Are they talking about someone to you? Why would they come to me and say, do not trust his lies? Talking about me. I don't know. Have you ever heard the light cloud? This is crazy. Oh, you haven't heard anything like this before? No. I mean. Okay. When you say mystical creatures, what do they look like? They will wraith-like? Mm-hmm.

Skinny. Shadowy. Shadowy. They look like they had tattered garments on, like robes. They were skinny? Skinny. They were like Hollywood normal? Right. You know what they reminded me of? Ally McBeal? Not even the actress, but the character. Yeah, that's a better reference. Is she still with Harrison Ford? Probably.

I hope so. That guy likes his weed. He really does. What are you recording? Shout effect dragon? Just be sure to rip that out. They reminded me of that movie, Artificial Intelligence, after a little boy is talking to the statue underwater for a thousand years. Those aliens that come down there? Are they aliens? Are they the future of mankind? No, they're future robots. Yeah.

And they were like them, but with like robes on. Robes? I wonder why they need to wear a robe. It's like, you know, sort of like angelic robes or demon robes. Not like the robes you would wear to put around the house. Were they matching robes?

Yeah, they were matching. Because this is what I don't understand. If people were to see us as aliens, if aliens were to come to our planet and go and try to describe it, they would say they were wearing – but we would all be wearing different stuff. Some would have pants. Some would have – Some would have robes on though. Some would have robes, especially if you come in the middle of the night. But why would they all – Supreme Court justices. That's true. Yeah. Why would they all wear matching robes? There was nine of them.

Wait, you think these were the Supreme Court justices? I'm not saying that. Okay. But the one night of them, some seem male, some seem female. Did anyone say the word Sotomayor? One of them kept talking about something on his Coke can. Anyway, they said, do not believe his lies. Do not believe his lies. And then that was the first time that I seen them. Did anyone else see them on your cake cruise?

Cake Crews. I think that – I'm trying to remember. We talked about it afterwards, me and the guys of the Cake Crew. Just guys on this Cake Crews? No women? Yeah. It's a real guys. It's a real guys. It's a guys weekend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it. We play poker with cake cards. Okay. The cards made of cake. Smoke cake cigars. Cake cars. Cake cars. Yeah, you eat them. Cake cars. What are you doing? Nothing. Strange. So –

The second time I seen them, these nine spectral visitors, they said, you will see him soon. Do not believe his lies. Oh, my gosh. This is so interesting. You're going to see him soon. You will not believe his lies. Yeah. And just now on the way here, I guess I was on the way here, got lost in the fog again in New Jersey, ended up here in Los Angeles. Wait, so it transported you?

As well? Transported how? You mean like... Meaning you went into the fog in New Jersey and when you came out, you were in Los Angeles, meaning you... Like a...

A portal? Yeah, a portal? No. No. Like I felt every second of this journey. Oh, okay. So you just traveled all the way. I went through a long fog. Did you go through the Panama Canal? Yeah. How'd you get here? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. I mean, I must have. Okay. I guess so. Because it's not like, hey, I was just in New Jersey seconds ago. It was like days ago. Okay. Yeah. So what did they say to you then? They said, he's going to be talking into a microphone. He hosts a podcast. You've been on it.

You know his name. It's Josh with an S. And his name is Scott Aukerman. Aukerman? That's right. And I said, ooh, that's so close to this guy I know. His name is Scott Aukerman. So they're talking about me? Don't trust my lies. Ooh! I bet they are! You hadn't put this together. No! Hey, Scott Aukerman. Why are you lying to the cake boss? I don't know. This is ridiculous. Why would you think I've been lying to you? I'm

completely honest with you at all times. Why should I believe that when nine spectral visioners who may or may not have been the Supreme Court justices on the astral plane telling me that you're a liar? Why would you believe them and not me? They have the wisdom of judges. But we're old buddies. Are we?

Or have you been lying to me this whole time? What would I be lying about? This is ridiculous. Go loud and back me up. I don't seem like a liar, do I? He's not a liar. Scott's not a liar. But does he seem like a liar? A little bit. What? You seem like a liar. In what way? You weasel-y about stuff. I'm weasel-y. That's the worst thing you can say to a human being. You pretend. There's worse things than that. Yeah, there's the C word. You're right. Boo. You're right. The nuclear option. Boo.

But how come you never get my name right and then you accidentally get it right today? You didn't expect to see me here. You were caught off guard. I mean, maybe I know your name and I occasionally, for the sake of comedy, stumble over it. For the sake of comedy. What is comedy except lies? That's a good point. What is songwriting but lies?

Why are you songwriting lies? Loudon, how many of your songs would you say, what percentage are lies? Out and out lies, you mean? Yeah. They're actually fairly truthful, my songs. Really? So 30%, 40%? That are lies or truthful? Lies.

No, I'd say more like 5% or 6%. 5% or 6%? What percentage of those are polite white lies that you tell to not hurt somebody's feelings? As opposed to whopping. Just big, flat-out Scott Akshaya-machaj lies. Just white lies like, your butt doesn't look big in those pants. That sounds like one of my songs, actually. Wait, but so the Here Come the Choppers, that was all true? You saw that? I saw all those things. That's crazy.

Wow. I don't know what you're talking about, buddy. I don't think I'm lying to you. You're one of my best friends. Wait a minute. I know that's a lie. Why? You make fun of me all the time. Make fun of you how? You have me on your TV show ridiculing me. You're still upset about this. You make me look like a fat weirdo. You appeared on the show. That's all you did. Have you asked me back? I've never been back. No, you've never been back. That's true.

I wouldn't go back on a bet. Just because you look like a fat weirdo on the show? You made me look like one. How did I make you look like that? All I know is I looked in the mirror before those cameras started rolling. I was like, oh, yeah, this guy. Look out, America. And then I get on that show and I see it. I'm like, oh, they put a weird thing on the ledge or something. And then you think we did something to your voice, too, to make it sound strange? Oh, I didn't even think about that. But you did.

You made me sound like a shrill yelling weirdo. I don't know. Look, I'm not lying to you. I apologize if I ever did anything to hurt your feelings or did anything that. I apologize if you got your feelings hurt by anything. Oh, the non-apology apology. Yep. That's the worst. Uh-huh. You're like a politician. Mm-hmm. If something happened that you got your feelings hurt for, I'm sorry.

That didn't even track grammatically. Well, hey. Well, that was an evil laugh. I'm also rubbing my hands together. By the way, if you're recording a sound effects record, all right, feel free to rip that file. I'm sorry. Do you have something in particular that you think I'm lying about? I think that you're lying when you say you've never watched my show, The Cake Farm, on the Learning Channel. Is that what it's on? I think...

You know that it is. I say it all the time. The learning channel. I'm always surprised by that information. What are you learning? You're learning about what it's like day to day in a cake kitchen. I mean, any channel could call itself the learning channel. Oh, that's not true. That's the criteria. That's not true. You're learning what it's like for Jack Bauer to shoot terrorists.

On Fox. That's made up. This is real life. On the Learning Channel, you learn about how some people are smaller than other people. You learn about making cakes in a cake kitchen. That's it.

Do they have anything about Paul Bunyan on the Learning Channel? Oh, I wish they did. About how he met Johnny Appleseed? Hey, what is it with that guy? He's like a giant, right? You're the second guy that we've talked to about this. What's that? About this topic. This came up recently. About Paul Bunyan? Yeah. This came up recently. He's a giant, yeah. Right. And his best friend. Babe the Blue Ox. Oh, I thought it was Johnny Appleseed. No, they only met once. Johnny Appleseed wears a giant potter on his head. Yeah. That he lives and shines like a snail.

Oh, I never thought about that. Is it sort of like Lidsville where he dives inside of it and it gets bigger? Do you know that Lidsville is like pot? What? Lids. I got it. They had fun. You ever try pot, lad? Sure. Is it good? I used to smoke pot with Klinger in Malibu Canyon. I bet you did. Those were the days. Fire one up. Yeah? In between takes or when you were done for the day? No, in between. Would he be in the dresh?

Always. You ever get confused? You were so high, you're like, this is a girl next to me. Put your arm around him. Will I get a cartoon where Bugs Bunny dressed up like a woman? Yeah. I mean, that must have come back to bite him in the ass at some point. Clinger. Clinger. I bit him in the ass one day. Did you really? So literally it did. Wow. Well, Cake Boss, is that what I call you? That's who I am. I'm sorry for anything I've done.

Will you make me a promise? Okay. Will you promise to start watching my show at the Learning Channel, being honest about it, and then having a weekly discussion group with me where we talk about the show in great detail? Oh, my gosh. This is so much work. I mean – Is it really to watch a half-hour television show? Can Loudon do it with me? You're welcome to join. I'd love to. We'll watch a half-hour of MASH. Then we'll watch a half-hour of – is your show a half-hour or an hour? It's a half-hour. I've never seen it. It's a half-hour? I think –

I mean, how could it be our? That's true. You never watch your own work, right? You just film it. No, I can't bear to watch myself on camera. Except for, I guess, on my show. That was the one time I thought this was such a fun time. All right. What day can we do this? Loudon, what day are you free? Tomorrow. Tomorrow? So Thursdays every week, or are we going to find a day that we're free? I only have one Thursday I can...

This has to be a weekly thing. We can Skype you in, though. What day are you mostly free? Thursdays. Thursdays? Do you get she-chick? Because I picture this taking place on the boat.

I don't know that I can commit to going out on your cake cruises. You can't come out on the cake cruise. Now, look, Skype me in from the boat. Skype Loudon and I in, okay? How's that? It's very impersonal to Skype. Yeah, but I mean, you know, if you can't be there personally, it's the next best thing. But you could be there personally. You just don't want to be. This is a big time commitment.

To go out on your boat. And by the way, what if we get into this fog, wind up going through the Panama Canal? I'm out for days and days and days. This is what you're afraid of? Is that the Supreme Court judges? Avatar, you'll come and prove that you are a liar. They may judge me. They will? I don't want to be judged. None of us do, but all of us will be. Oh my goodness.

Do you think heaven is like they judge you and then you get time, like you have to serve some time for all of your sins and then you're let out and you're led into heaven for the rest of it? Or is it like – It's purgatory. Is that what it is? That's what purgatory is? Yeah. So like you could be a good person, but let's say you told a lie. Okay. That would be bad. Yeah. It's – you're not supposed to. And then – The golden rule. So purgatory, it's like a mini hell. Yeah.

That you go to for a brief period. Are you tortured in it? Yeah. Yeah. But what makes it a mini hell? Like if you're tortured. Because you can get out of it. Okay.

Okay, but is it a lighter torture as well? No. It just doesn't last as long. The exact same torture as hell. Why don't you just go to hell and they let you out early for time served? I think it gets too confusing where it's like you could say, oh, I'm also supposed to be one of the guys who gets out. That's the problem. Yeah. And they just go, oh, okay, right this way. Well, it's like, I got to go check that. Let me make sure. Look at the files. Okay. Any theories on this, Loudon? No. Is there anything after we die? No.

I guess I'll be finding out. I guess we all will. I mean, in the scope of human history, millions and millions of years, I mean, all three of us in this room are just about to get there. Well, not me. Wait, why? Isn't it chronical that I'm immortal? Oh, I think we've talked about this on the show. Guy, you'll outlive us all. I envy you. Although, would one want to be immortal? I don't know.

Be lonely. Be a lonely life. Eventually it will be a lonely life. Already. But for a while it will be great. Already the years that we spend on this earth are – so many of them are spent in loneliness. But wouldn't it be nice to make new friends every hundred years? What? Wouldn't it be – that's Beach Boys lyrics, isn't it? Wouldn't it be nice to make a new friend? What are you saying? I owe money to Ash Cap? Yes. For shame. Wouldn't it be nice? God only knows where you get these ideas. Yeah.

All right, buddy. What is it again? Oh, don't believe in lies. All right, buddy. Cake Boss, it's very nice to have you. We're just about to have to wrap up the show. Good. It's okay. But before we do that, of course, Loudon is going to play a song at the end of the show. Before we get to that, though, we need to do a little something we call plugs. My plug. My plug. My plug. My plug. My plug. My plug. My plug.

Short and sweet. I like it. I've talked about it on this show before. Don't make these long plug songs. That made me feel like I had an inch in my blood. Do you? Well, it might. Okay. I shouldn't blame you, Sean. All right. That was the bass lines with their song CBB Plugs Theme. Again, very elegantly titled. It told me exactly what I needed to know. That's right. Um,

The name is not disgusting. It's not. And the bass lines, I like it. Very good work, bass lines. If you have a plugs theme, head on over to Earwolf.com in the comedy bing bong message boards. You can post them in the appropriate thread and you can be played on this show. So very good. As a songwriter, Loudon, did you hear that one at all? I didn't have my headphones on. But do you like other people writing songs or do you think that should just be you?

I can think other people can do it. Yeah. It's okay if someone else writes one, right? Sure. That's a good question. You don't ask me questions like that about cake baking. Do you think other people should make cakes? No. I'm the boss of them. But that implies that other – oh, so wait. You're the boss of cakes. Yes. Not people making cakes. That's right. All right. We've never cleared that up on this program. I'm not the people making cake boss. All right. Loudon, what do we have to plug here?

Well, that's what this segment is about. That's what it is. Oh, okay. Plugs. New album. Haven't got the blues and then in parentheses yet. September 9th. September 9th. Sometime in the fall, I'll be coming back. I'll be everywhere. This show is everywhere, right? Oh, yeah. Come see me anywhere. Australia. A lot of fans in Australia. I have a few. Yeah. And...

Also, you have your song Here Come the Choppers that everyone's supposed to buy right now as they're listening to this. And when do you get the receipts on your iTunes stuff? Do you get the next day? No, it takes a while. It takes a while. It takes a while. So like six months?

Thereabouts. Thereabouts. So in six months, will you call me? And I would imagine this will be right after the new year or sometime around Valentine's Day. Just give me a call on Valentine's Day. We'll just set it so I know you're calling. I'll know to pick up. Call me on Valentine's Day. Let me know that the CBB bump actually works. Right. Okay? Okay.

I mean, we get next to nothing now anyway. Sure, but I mean it'll be – I mean, really. Spotify and – What if – It's nothing. In fact, I want to protest this in your show. Okay, please do. I just did. Oh, good. This is pretty successful. I thought I'd make it short. What about the SheBe bump where people at SheBe Radio –

People are turning on their CB radios and holding it next to their actual radios. Thanks, all good money. Be sure to check out Loud and Way to Write Two-Thirds. Ain't got the blues, parentheses, yet. Close parentheses. By the way, it's haven't got the blues. I know you're a common guy. I'm from New Jersey. I know. I'm just a working class guy from New Jersey. Let's try to be a little more proper. Although I do have to say, Loud, and you used a contraction in your album title, which I think is a little bit common.

You think it should have been have not got the blues. Yes. You know, be a little classy. Anyway, I don't know. And you're going to be out here on tour. We don't have any dates on that. But where can people actually get these dates? Do you have a website? I do. LW3.com. That's nice and elegant because who wants to really learn how to spell Loudon or Wainwright? You can make so many mistakes. Only polite people.

But LW3, is it a three or an III? God, I should find that out actually. Try both. In my opinion, try both. Google, just Google me and something will come up. Very good. And again, buy this record. Use your dollars wisely, my friends out there. Cake Paws, anything to plug?

Oh, well, we're in August now. I have a friend who has a show at Largo at the Coronet in West Hollywood, California. His name is Paul F. Tompkins, and he's got this show called Varietopia, which is like a variety show. Music. Sounds curious. Paul was in here earlier. Who? You said your friend, Paul F. Tompkins? Oh, that guy? Yeah. Yeah.

He said that guy. You just said he's your friend. I know. I said that for showbiz purposes. Oh, showbiz friends. I get it. But he's promised to have me on the show sometime. Oh, that'll be fun. Yeah. I can't say that I'm going to be on August 23rd, which is the next show, but tickets are available now. Where do people get these tickets? They get these tickets at paulftopkiss.com forward slash live. Don't do a backslash. I can't be responsible for what happens to you.

Why don't you just do pft3.com? Or why doesn't he do it? Okay, done. Use both. Okay. And that is August what, you say? Saturday, August 23rd. It's an amazing lineup, not to be missed. That sounds amazing. Let's see. What do I want to plug? I have, of course, our donor. We want to say Damon D4. Damon D4. Hey, buddy. $100 to our show. Thank you so much. And that's from your wife. Your wife. Your wife. Your wife.

So thanks to Damon's wife and in his name, in his honor, it's almost like he donated it himself. But his wife actually did. Something special coming out to you from us. His better half. That is true. That's a good way of putting it. I've never heard that before. Better half. It's like there's half of me that's okay. There's half of me that's better than that. And that's my wife. My wife.

I do want to also plug October 25th. I hope this doesn't conflict with your show, Loudon at Largo, that I've heard about. If it does, I'm going to have to ask people to come out and see me instead. Okay. I can live with that. You can have your own podcast that I'm on, and then I will defer to you. Okay.

But October 25th, I will be at Festival Supreme. That is the Tenacious D Festival. I'll be out there with Tenacious D and every member of the state. What are you going to do? I don't know. Just like a solo performance? Something like this maybe. Oh, boy. We'll come out to see Tenacious D at least.

Yeah, I guess. Boy, oh boy. But that is October 25th. Make a day of it, I say, because it would fill a whole day. It's just a pre-festival. That is true. All right, let's close up the old plug bag. Closing up the plug bag. Brow. That's a good song. Guys. Oh, there it is. A little more.

Guys, it's been a pleasure to have you on the show. I also want to thank our guests who could not stick around, Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber and Paul F. Tompkins. Thanks to those guys. And a pleasure having you guys back. Cake Boss, thanks. Come back anytime. Loudon, please come back every time you put out a record. And I'm looking forward to that call on Valentine's Day. Okay. That'll be sweet. And you're going to take us out with a song. Yeah. And what is this?

From the new album. The decision process begins. The song about alternate side of the street parking. Oh. Oh. I've been wanting to hear this since you mentioned it. Now you're talking by language. Space is a place, it's a beautiful thing. When I see one that's free, I want to sing. Squeezing into a tight one, such pleasure can bring. Space is a place, it's a beautiful thing.

Sometimes you find a space and for it you must fight. Sometimes you find a space you drive around half the night. When folks take up a space and a half, that's not right. Sometimes you find a space and for it you must fight.

When I see a space that I don't even need There's a twinge of a feeling, it's akin to greed It's a case of space envy, I'd say so indeed When I see a space I don't even need I still want that space, yeah Do-do-do-bop-poo, do-do-do-bop-poo, wop-poo-wop-poo We are, we are, we are Do-do-do-bop-poo, yeah, do-do-do-bop-poo, wop-poo-wop-poo Wop-paw-paw-paw-paw-paw-paw We are, we are, we are

Mondays and Thursdays 11:30 to 1:00 They're cleaning the street man, you're under the gun Yeah, you're waiting all tonight, no it ain't tons of fun as a Monday and Thursday 11:30 to 1:00 But in my part of town the cops cast a blind eye Folks double park till a sweeper goes by Then they sit in that clean space and live it a lie In my part of town the cops cast a blind eye

And when the rules are suspended it's too good to be true Ash Wednesday, Abe's birthday, Passover too All the holy days are long gone Too good to be true, it's your little new year too You got to love it, yeah you little do, yeah Do-da-da-bop-a-bop We are, we are, we are, we are, yeah Do-da-da-bop-a-bop, do-da-da-bop-a-bop We are, we are, we are, we are, we are

A car in the city's just a pain in the ass. It's an Albatross made out of chrome, steel, and glass. It's nice to know that you can get out of town fast. But a car in the city... When folks hear the word space, they think of the moon. The stars of the planets are a sunrod. Tune me up, think where, when, what day, and how soon. I live here on Earth. To hell with the moon!

Our cases, spaces, places, it's a beautiful thing. Backing into a new one, such pleasure can bring. If you're vacating your spaces, TV or singer spaces, places, marvelous places, magical, wonderful, meaningful. It's a beautiful thing. We are, we are, we are, we are, yeah.

Our space is a place that's a beautiful... We are... I'm going to listen to flamenco music. Hola. Adios. Great. Thank you. Fantastic. See you next week. Thanks. Bye.

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