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Four score and 16 stone with Gavin Rossdale and Joey Fatone. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Thank you to Seven Layer Dip Mayor, Seven Layer Dip Mayor, for that wonderful catchphrase submission. And welcome to another edition of Comedy Bang Bang. My name is Scott Aukerman, and we're doing something a little different for this episode of Comedy Bang Bang. Not different if you heard the first edition. We're doing something exactly the same, but we're doing something a little different in terms of format. That's right, it's a return to the Comedy Bang Bang Roundtable.

The Comedy Bang Bang Roundtable is back. This is where we gather some local citizens. They don't have to be local either. They can come from anywhere they like, I guess. We don't have any sort of parameters regarding that. But citizens certainly of whatever country they hail from. And we gather them all in a piece of furniture which is circular in nature.

which leads to us sort of all being able to look at each other at the same time. And there we discuss the issues of the day and we break them down and we see how we feel about them, how you might feel about them. And hopefully in talking about them, we come to a little bit of an understanding about how we feel, how you feel, how the world at large feels and how maybe we should feel about these issues together.

That's the Comedy Bang Bang Roundtable. It's right there in a nutshell. The first one went so well with pasta pasta and the guy who owns Kissy's grocery store and the other guy. They went so well that people have been clamoring for the return of the CBB Roundtable. Let's get to it because we have some amazing topics that we want to discuss here.

with some incredible guests. Let's talk to them. Let's introduce them one by one so that we can talk to them individually before we collectively talk to each other on the CBB Roundtable. Our first guest is a musician of note.

He's been compared and probably called a modern day Beethoven in a lot of ways. In terms of writing catchy popular then, popular now songs. That's not bad company. Beethoven? Yeah. I've never heard that one. Unless you don't want to be deaf. I don't want to be deaf, dead. Or living in that time period. Any of the G-E-A words. That's right. Uh.

You don't want to be... A dealing cubs. You don't want the DEA to be rapping on your door either. They'll like you. That's right. You were arrested once for drugs, I believe. Oh, yeah. We had a lot of them back then. I know Paul was, famously. Paul...

Paul McCartney. Oh, Paul McCartney, one of the guys in my band. Yes, that's right. It was so long ago. We had... Hold on, I'm going to shut my mouth until the intro. That's right. I do want to introduce you because, I mean, the clue that Paul McCartney was in your band is a pretty big one, so people may have been able to figure it out at this point. Maybe Lyndon McCartney's showing up. Or any of the bass players from Wings. I guess that was Paul McCartney. But we do need to introduce you. He was a member of the...

Rock and roll band, The Beatles. Hit band. It was a big hit band. A band can't be a hit. I mean, a band can't chart, can it? That's a good question. I guess your songs chart. Most popular band. Right. I guess they should do that every week with the songs.

I guess whoever has the most popular song that week is the most popular. I mean, we could figure that we just have to put it into a computer algorithm. Oh, okay. I think. Do you know computer algorithms? No, not as much as I would like to. How much would you like to? I'd like to know. You know, who's the guy, Bill Gates? Sure, Bill Gates. I want to know his name. Famous divorcee. Is that so? That's right.

Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation? What happened to that? Split asunder, I can only imagine. Who's got the cash? I think Bill kept it all. Lucky guy. With a great lawyer. And I hope you have one as well. I've got a great lawyer. If Yoko ever finds out that you're alive...

I feel very unsettled. You just got to say my name. I got to say your name, but I have more information to say about you. He was dead for approximately five years or four years. Four years. Four years from 1980, end of 1980 to the end of 1984 or beginning of 1985. Beginning of 84. Beginning of 84. So three years. Three years, kind of. Three years in one month? Three in one. Three in one. Half dozen of the other. Please welcome...

John Lennon. Hello. Thanks, Scott, for having me. And I'm coming in from Boston. Oh, from Boston. Not my hometown, but I was in Boston. Why were you in Boston? I was taking the Paul Revere tour. Oh, okay. The guy dressed up, he's so dressed up as Paul Revere. Does he talk about Paul Revere stuff, or does he just talk about, like, he tours houses? He tours random houses. Well, we go to random houses, and he tells us what he thinks happened back in those old days. What he thinks? I don't agree with much. I didn't know who this guy was. This guy was wearing sneakers.

Oh, okay. Well, I mean, you're from England. You're famously from England. Bloody old. Liverpool, to be more specific. So you must not know a lot about our history. Well, you know, I'm an astute historian. I'm interested in history. You're interested. I've got history books. How much do you know? Not much. But I'm so interested in the idea of it.

Having all those books and reading about the wars. I think everything that's ever happened is in history. It's got to be. And that's what I'm so interested about. You know, I love everybody. Yeah. Do you think that we have more history in front of us than we do behind us? That's a good question. You think this old crazy idea is going to burn out after a while? I don't know. This old crazy idea of like, hey, let's put humans on the earth. I don't know if it's working for us. I don't know. I think we're tearing it apart limb from limb.

We're sort of like a virus on the earth that maybe it'll expel us from it at a certain point. I remember off air you were saying you wish the pandemic had continued to sort of scorch the earth more. I remember you saying that. I didn't know what you were talking about. Yeah, well, I'll clarify off air. Please, please. But welcome to the show. Welcome to the CBB Roundtable. This is exciting. You know, I usually have to come on here and promote, promote something I've got to

do something sure yeah you haven't put out music in probably haven't put out music 40 years also that that super bowl concert i was gonna do didn't go through wait you were doing a super bowl i was gonna do a big huge super bowl concert outside the super bowl stadium outside right why not inside because i think a lot of people wouldn't have me a lot of people would have been interested to have you i think i thought so too but i didn't want to play any of the music i just wanted to karaoke oh

Oh, of your own songs? No, all the songs. A lot of ACDC songs. Oh, okay. I love those. Rock the Bells, Hell's Bells. Yeah, what would John Lennon sound like singing For Those About to Rock, We Salute You? Okay. For those about to rock, oh yeah, baby, we're about to salute you. You sound more like Austin Powers than you do. I'm trying to do that more.

I'm trying to get lost. You're trying to. I think it's time, you know, when something is popular and it's like, oh, everyone's doing it. I feel like now it's falling apart. Yeah, we need to bring back the things that were once popular in order to make this nation come together. Thank you. That's a big issue of mine. Yeah, the nation coming together. Every nation coming together, getting Pangea back together. Would you like a one world government like they talk about in the rapture? Well, if everyone was nice.

Sure. That I'd love. Yeah, okay. Because all you need is love. Do you think the rapture will happen? Oh, yeah, that's one of your songs. The rapture? Yeah. What's that? That's when the big JC, you know, J-H-C. The big boy. The big boy himself, yeah. He comes down and he goes, jeep, jeep, jeep.

He just plucks a bunch of people from the Earth and takes them all on up. Now I'm starting to think of that Avengers movie. It's like Thanos, yeah, but he's supposedly a good guy. Right. I thought Thanos, he was good. He had some good points. He had some good points. Yeah, we'll talk about those. But we need to open up the round table slightly more to our second guest. He is a...

A famous, I mean, he's a famous guy. We still talk about him. Thank you. He's got great branding. He, of course, there's an unfortunate side to that branding, which is we know him from

Hello, Scott Aukerman, how are you?

you i'm doing good it's great to i mean i wouldn't say it's great to meet you i i i i would imagine most of the people who met you in those darkened alleys rude uh ruse is that what you said i said rude oh okay well i thought you meant a fan of yours oh really yes okay then i'm a fan of yours okay well thank you appreciate that mutual death i'm sorry

I'm so sorry. Death be thee not proud, thy not proud. Death, get out of here is what I say. Get out of here. And I'm going to say it too. Death, get out of here. I'm sorry. Why are you alive? I killed so many people. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. It's a real boo-boo. Just a mistake on my part. I'm sorry. I apologize. If you had to do it all over again, you wouldn't. No, I would. You would. Well, I had to. You had to? I was on vacation. I was bored. Oh, okay.

Have you been to England? I've been a few times, yeah. So boring. I mean, I can- So what'd you do? I saw some shows. I traveled the countryside. What kind? Yeah. I saw Matilda the Musical. Did you see Sixx?

I didn't see that. I saw that here in LA. Okay. Did you see six? Yeah, I saw six. What'd you think? I mean, he killed a lot of those women. Did he? Yeah. Oh, not me. You looked at me and I was like, I didn't do that. No, no, no. The king, whatever his name is. Henry VIII. Henry VIII. Beheaded. Yeah. Died. Yeah. That's how the song goes. Is that why you went to it? No. Okay. Sorry. You asked me a question. How am I here? Yeah. Do you know time machines? Yeah.

Let me see...

Those DeLoreans. No, think about it. They go up to 88 miles per hour. Yeah, I know time machines. Okay, not me. Didn't know a single thing about them. And I said, I think I'm going to be alive again, sort of like Mr. Lennon here. Oh, I see. And that's what I did. Great. All right. And when did this happen? Just recently? So I'm from the late 1800s. I sort of thought to myself, I want to say two days before, two days for me ago, which would have been 1888.

Okay. Does that sound familiar to you? Meaning two days before you died? Two days before I died. I said it'd be fun to not be dead anymore. Oh, wait, two days after you died? Two days before I died. But why would you say it would be fun not to be dead anymore? Well, I was thinking about it and sort of, you know, how the saying goes. If you were to be dead. If you were to be dead, then you're dead already. Right, right. So here we are. So you never actually died? Because they never caught you. No.

A lot of people think that you were this one guy. Do you want to know what my name was? Yeah. Jack Ripper. What? It's right there. I know. I was literally sending notes to the police like, I bet you couldn't find me at 1666 North Cunningham Way. And they never even thought to look. These guys. These guys. ACAB, right? Huh?

Oh, you don't know what that is yet. Wait, so how long have you been alive now? So I've been here. Well, I came and I thought I need to do something. I need to tell my story. And I thought, what better way to do it than the comedy bang bang second iteration of the roundtable. So that's what I'm doing here. But not sure that that answers my question. But it's great to have you, Jack the Ripper. Thank

you and it's great to be here yeah do you want me to answer the question or no if you like I mean it seemed like you were avoiding I'm ready to go to the next yeah let's let's talk to the next part let's open that this round table up let's the circle remains unbroken but it just slightly expands he's been on the show before he is a former psychiatrist I'm interested to hear what he's up to now please welcome back to the show dr. green wagwan scotch that's true

Great to have you, Dr. Green. Hey, man, it's been a long time. Yeah. You looking good? How you doing? How's everybody doing at the roundtable? Good. Fine. Wow, what an international roundtable we have here. Yeah, we got, what we got? We got London. We got, where you from, man? London. London. Where are you from? Jamaica, brother. I'm from the island. That's right. And remind everyone of, you're a...

People come to you when they want marijuana? No, no, no. I'm a serious medical professional, but everybody thinks I'm a wee doctor just because of my accent. And your name, I guess, Dr. Green. Dr. Green. And the fact that I have a clinic on Venice Boardwalk.

But I'm not a weed doctor, Scott. Okay. So I can't get any weed from you? I got a little bit of weed in my car. Okay. You want to share it or what? I mean. Yeah. Putting a bunch of weed on the round table. Okay. Yeah. That's where it belongs. That's right. Yeah. Yeah.

It's great to have you, Dr. Green. Thanks for coming. Listen, Scott, my last time I was here, I was working more in the medical, like the mental health space. Yes, you were a psychiatrist. Psychiatrist, yeah, but I'm not doing that no more, Scott. What are you doing? Now I'm a surgeon. You're like a surgeon. No, I'm not like a surgeon. I'm a surgeon. So you're a weirdo upgrade. Yeah.

You are a surgeon. Me a surgeon. Wow. This is incredible. What type of surgery do you perform? So, me do a very specific type of surgery, Scott, where I do... I hope so. Me just do animal organ transplants. Animal organ transplants. I think he said Oregon. Oh, I believe that's his accent. And we don't want to make fun of anyone's accent. No, no. Certainly not. In this day and age. It's cancelable. Okay.

Hashtag woke. Like for anyone to actually do a different accent too, that would be terrible. On the line. Yeah. But so are these organs from animals to different animals? Are they from animals to humans? What are we doing? Yeah. Primarily the pipeline is animal to human. Okay. So me do pig hurts. Sure. Me do chicken livers. You're making me hungry.

My favorite food. Goat intestines. Oh, my second favorite food. Anything you need from an animal into a human, we put it right in you. No problem. Yeah. And this works? Most of the time. Yeah, like what are your success rates? People survive. Survive. That's right. What's the success rate on one of these? Say what? What's the success rate on one of your operations? We don't really do like percentages or numbers. It's more of a vibe. It's a vibe based. Ballpark. Ballpark.

Two out of three. Okay. Meatloaf said it best. Yeah. Two out of three ain't bad. Yeah. I take them odds, you know. Not bad. If I need some chicken livers up in here. On the Venice Boardwalk. On the Venice Boardwalk. And listen, we get a lot of patients asking, hey, doctor, you know, for anesthesia, can I get some marijuana? And we say, we don't do that here. This is a serious surgery clinic. What do you use for anesthesia then? Here.

marijuana but only because they they want it so bad yes they want it so bad and you know anesthesia very expensive me getting a surgery clinic off the ground yeah you can i mean uh i've had some nappy dugout that uh that has just taken me right into the couch no doubt brother no doubt nappy dugout what's the if you could describe the vibe with nappy dugout scott what would you say i'm not a user i don't know why i'm trying to sound cool wow

This fucking guy. Hey, you're not even a weed doctor. Well, yeah, but cool recognize cool, you know what I mean? I'm not seeing much. Well, guys, welcome to the CBB Roundtable. Are we at... We're equidistant from each other, it seems like. We're at... It's a perfect circle. Yeah, I'm at 12 o'clock, obviously. And John, you're at... I would estimate this is at 3. 3 p.m. Yeah. And I would say for me, I'm if...

a watch had a smaller watch on the inside and I'm sort of that second watch. There's a circle and then I'm sort of on the outside of the circle. - That's right. - It's a scuba diving watch. - A scuba diving watch. - Do you know what scuba is? Self-contained underwater breathing apparatus? - Of course. - Did you have that back in the- - I've been here for a week. - Oh, okay. So you could, immediately one of the first things you saw. - Really got around. - Was that just mind blowing to you?

To go underwater? We had water in the 1880s, Scott. No, not the existence of water. I mean, the self-contained underwater breathing apparatus part of it. Sure. Yeah. Well, see, I think, so again, I'm not saying

I'm so sorry about all the death. It's really sad. No problem. But a lot of it was me sort of trying to figure things out, right? A lot like a doctor. I sort of was poking around in there going, how does that work? So I think given two more years, I could have figured that out myself. Sure. So how many more deaths would that have been, though? Because you were on a clip. You were like one a week at a certain point. I mean, two out of three, I'd say. Listen, we don't really do numbers or percentages, but it's all pretty good. Ballpark, two out of three, maybe. Ain't bad.

Another hundred people dead. I don't know if that's worth it in order to, you know, get your mental state in the right place. How did you kill people, Jack? Me? Right. Oh, wow. You're the only person who's killed someone. I mean, John Lennon, you haven't killed anyone, have you? I was killed. You were? That's right. You were on the other end of the... And it's not good, so I don't want to do it to other people. Yeah, exactly. You have to learn from the experiences. Would you say that a surgery that ends in death is killing someone?

unintentional not if you had the right intentions it might be malpractice you're the only one that's kidding no I'm a doctor I decided I think I'm a doctor what is a doctor a medical professional I think a degree makes a doctor I have a degree penmanship

I don't think that particular degree would help you in terms of being a doctor. Why not? Simply because of the rules of doctors, you know? I see. You need a doctorate, I would imagine. Well, I do have a doctorate. You do, in what? City planning.

Specializing in alleys. Wait, you created all the alleys that you killed people in? Yes. This fucking guy. We didn't know that. We didn't know that. Do you honestly want to know how this all started? How did it start? I was trying to petition the city for how unsafe our alleyways were. And I said, we need...

we need more safety measures in place. And they said, we think the alleys are fine. And I said, oh, really? You think the alleys are fine? And so I started killing a couple people in the alleys and I got a taste for blood. Okay, so this just purely was trying to get some safety measures in there. But after two...

You got the taste for it. And then how long did that taste? Because how many victims? What day is it today? It's a Monday. Then Sunday. Sunday. It subsided. Oh, OK, good. OK, so you're not going to. I mean, this episode is not going to end with you killing us. Couldn't. Probably couldn't. I'm too quick.

How fast can you run, John? Miles per hour kilometers. Give me miles. Okay. 25. 25 miles an hour. That's right. On my best day. On your best day. Pretty fast. That's so fast. Not too bad. How long can you keep that up? Oh, a few, probably five seconds. Five seconds. And then how- Top speed. If that's your top speed, then what do you go down to? Zero. I stop right away.

Well, guys, the roundtable has started officially, but we do need to take a break before we get into our topics of the day, if that's all right. Bit of a smoke break. Yeah, I guess. Yeah, you're going to bring stuff down from your car? No, I don't do that, Scott. You don't do it. Why do you have it in your car? For the last time, I don't do that.

Here you go, Jack. Oh, thank you. Wait a minute. How did you kill people, Jack? That's what I wanted to know. How did I kill people? Right. What's the ripper part? Love.

You love to kill people. Yeah, I love to kill people. So I just, I loved it with a knife. I loved knives. Oh, knife, yeah. And you don't have any knives on you right now. Me? No, let me just put this gun and this knife on the table and we're going to leave it there so that way you can see it. So any of us can grab it. This is what the round table is all about. So we all feel comfortable. How about this? I'll put all of my weapons on the table, okay? How many weapons do you have? Well, I have the gun.

Okay. Naturally. A knife for safety. Brass knuckles. Why are you carrying brass knuckles? Two pairs, one for each hand. Not going to have just one hand of brass knuckles. A glove. If you lead with your right. Looks harmless. Does the glove not look harmless? It looks harmless, but what? Then put it on. Kidding. I don't do that anymore. It's made of poison. The glove is made of poison. Correct. Like that's hardened? Moved into the fibers. Okay. Okay.

Have you read Harry Potter? Look, I'm embarrassed to say yes. There's a necklace that kills people in that, and I was very inspired, and so I made this book. In the last week? In the last week. I read all of them. I think I got to the fifth Harry Potter book. The fifth? Wow. I stopped when I read about the necklace, and I said, now this is fun. Okay. You didn't stop when you heard about that notorious TERF who wrote them? Who? Never mind.

All right. We do need to take a break. When we come back, we'll have our first topic. This is the second edition of the CBB Roundtable. This is very exciting. You guys pumped for this? Yes. Yes. Okay. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang Roundtable after this.

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comedy bang bang we are back it's the cvb roundtable second edition uh we have of course john lennon hello oh the drums drums i forget to say that yes your catchphrase right i forgot to mention this is the world's first dingless podcast i think i heard about this yeah yeah so what's that perfected this technology uh usually because you know everything's going through the computer a lot of times i would get a text and and we'd hear dings and

And that was, honestly, that was 2023 was just filled with dings. And then we perfected the technology to be the world's first dingless podcast. Who worked on that with you? I believe, who's that guy who does all the pretzels in Germany? August Lindt. Schneiderberg Pretzel Company. That's right. Yeah, August Lindt helped me out. Oh, good. He's one of the best. Wetzel. No, not Wetzel. Auntie Annie. Auntie Annie.

These are all great pretzels. Nothing against them. Wise. I mean, Wise makes a good chip, too. They make a good pretzel. Of course. The Dodgers. Oh, I've never had a pretzel at the Dodger Stadium. Do they make them? The actual Dodgers? I'm talking about the people that were jumping out of the way of streetcars in Brooklyn. Like the Artful Dodger back in your time. Yes. Did you ever kill one of the people in Oliver? Can't say. Yes.

Bill Sykes. Hmm? All the others. Who is that? Never mind. Bill Sykes? Bill Sykes, yeah. What does that mean? He sort of organized the urchins, didn't he? Yeah, he, the, what are they called? The character? Oliver's Pals. Oliver's Pals. The boys. Oliver and company, of course. Right, right. Yes. Jack the Ripper is here.

Oh, hello, Scout. How are you? Do you have a catchphrase yet? Me? Yeah, because his is drums. Okay. Can I workshop a few? Yeah. What do you got? Oops, they're dead. That's one. Yeah. I mean, the whole oops thing worked for Britney. Okay. Let's think of this. Hello, I am Jack the Ripper. That's less of a catchphrase than it is an introduction. I love death, but I love being on podcasts more.

Not bad. That's pretty good. Honestly. Okay. I'll sprinkle that in. We'll see how that works. We'll see how it works. Also, Dr. Green is here. Pina Colada. Is that your catchphrase? Well, you know, maybe for today. Oh, that's just lovely. Can I take that too? Of course. Pina Colada. You got to get that tilde above the end.

I know you're not used to it being from England. Sure. Such an obvious English accent. Can I tell you? Can I tell you a secret? Yes, please. I'm not from England. Where are you from? Scotland. Oh, you'd love it there. So I'm so crazy.

I bet that's why they couldn't catch you. Because you would just go back to Scotland every time you... But they have the whole Scotland yard after you. Sure. And I kept sending very obvious letters. Like I said, I got bored. Yeah. So I said, can't find me in England? Think about Scotland. I love death, but I love podcasts more. Yeah.

Not bad. Not bad at all. Well, guys, it is the CBB Roundtable where we talk about the issues of the day. And something has come up recently. There's been a lot of chatter with this. And I wanted this to be the first topic here on the CBB Roundtable. Oh, bully. And that is, of course, and this may surprise you, Jack the Ripper, because you've only been around about a week, it sounds like. But there has been talk and sightings and video and congressional hearings about this topic. But...

extraterrestrial life on other planets. What do these guys look like? First of all, I thought you were going to say Sasquatches. No, we can talk about these. No, we cannot. I can't. You can't really? Have you ever seen one? No, and I hope I never do. And I thought you were going to say Jesus Christ.

I mean... Not ready to meet him yet. Obviously. So when you were dead, you never went up there? No, no, no, no, no. Again, I flashed. Oh, I see. I said, I don't want to die, and then I flashed here. Oh, okay. You flashed forward. I flashed forward. It was like teleportation? Sure. Hmm. But what do these guys look like? Obviously, it exists...

We sometimes shorten it too, you know? Right. What do these guys look like? They got big noses? What are they? To me, Scott, an extraterrestrial is like, they look like white women on vacation. Do you know what I mean? Meaning they have braids? Exactly. They all got the predator braids, you know? I call those the Bo Derricks. You call them the predator? Both are good, yeah. But listen, where I'm from, we get it live.

Right. Okay. So they're pale, but maybe their skin is red now because they got too much sun the first day. Exactly. They got bikini lines. Yeah.

So do you see, in your mind, these ETs are wearing bikinis on their own planet? Listen, this is what I'm seeing in my mind. ET bikini. Now that sounds like a punk rock band. A surf rock band. I would go see them. I would see them too. ET tiny bikini.

Now, Jack the Ripper, were people talking about aliens back in your day? This is the first I'm hearing about it. First you're hearing. Okay, so what we're talking about is, you know, all the human beings here on Earth. We're talking about life forms and more, I would imagine they're humanoid or at least sentient life forms. You can't call plants. The Welsh. Ah.

I wouldn't say that, but if you ever find a flower on Mars or whatever, that's not thinking. He smoked a flower on Mars. I thought you didn't. Don't do that. I remember you, Dr. Green. I've been down on the boardwalk. We hung out once. I've been to your clinic. It's a beautiful place, and the alien thing is so appropriate. You had that big poster that says, take me to your dealer. It's an alien poster.

He's got cash in his hand. He also had a joint in his hand. It's funny because the D and the L are transposed. Right. Yeah. I love that. Listen, whatever you got to do to get people in the door, okay? We have a serious problem with medics in this country, okay? People don't have health insurance. You know, the cost of surgery is very high. So we do what we got to do to get people in the door. Why did you wink when you said high?

We didn't do that. What are you talking about? So this is a bait and switch at your clinic. It's a bit of a bait. Sometimes you got to give people a little bit of sugar with the medicine. Sure. So you get them in there thinking they're getting marijuana and instead you put a pig splatter inside them. Bring a surgery on them because they need it. Are you suggesting these surgeries or they want the surgery? I can tell what surgery anybody needs just by looking at them. Okay. Do me. I'll do you. You need the colon of a rat. Wow.

I'll take it. Do me. John Lennon, you need a cow's nipple. That's true. Just one? Just a single. Scott, you want to know? Yeah, I want to know. You need the eyes of a goat. Okay. Now you're not talking about LeBron James, are you? Or LL Cool J, who coined that phrase. That term, rather. I didn't know that. LL? Greatest of all time. Well, he also coined LL, but it didn't really take off.

Ladies love anything else? I had the L.L. Bean Company. Yeah, ladies love bean. They were talking about Mr. Bean. Ladies love bean. Where do you get the animals? Well, mostly we import them from Jamaica. Scott, I'm really seeing her right now. You look so good with the horizontal pupil. Yeah. I want this. I gotta go down to Venice. Come on down, brother. Let me give you a discount code. So are you looking for additional doctors? Interesting.

If you let me... You want to expand your practice? Yeah. I've got a test for you, Dr. Ripper. Sure. You look at me and you tell me what surgery me need. Oh. You answer right, me hire you on the spot. Guts on the ground, back alley, dead of night. The police come knocking. I've given them all the clues to let them know where I am, and yet they still cannot impart it. Pigs, all of them, and their blood shall fill the streets.

Me like the pig part. Yeah, the pig. I mean, yeah, your eyes. That's working for me. Yeah, you brightened up. But everything after that is... It was a little confusing. Okay. Me think about it. Okay, well, hey, that's all I'm asking. That's all we're asking. All right, now back to these ETs. Sure. Jack the Ripper, we're talking about people from the heavens coming down here in their flying saucers and stuff. What do these guys look like? I see. Well, I would have to imagine that when I was close to death, they would look sort of similar to my visions. What were your visions when you were close to death? Those...

The spirits of all of those who I have wronged. Oh, I see. Does that include people you haven't killed? Just people like you cut off in traffic with your coach's hair? Well, the people I've killed, honestly, I feel like maybe I did them a favor. I'm talking about the barista who was getting my coffee. This is this week? She was so mean to me. She kept going, oat milk. And I said, what?

is that? And she kept going, it's milk from oats. I go, milk from oats? I was holding up the line. So you're talking about the people you were holding up the line about, not the barista? No, no, no. The barista, I would never see again. It was, yes, the stares of all of the people behind me. Yeah, who didn't get their coffee like 30 seconds later.

Correct. It's a very fancy coffee shop. Right. Okay. So you see extraterrestrials as looking like these people behind you in line for coffee? Yes. Angry. And maybe green. Yeah.

So these people were green behind you? No, but I'm thinking maybe it'd be fun if they were green. It would be fun. It would be fun if ETs were green, right? I mean, it's different than us. We're like, you know, various colors all across this globe. Sure. Maybe they got various greens. Yeah. Maybe. Green is the best color.

Now, what do you just because your last name is green? That's it. No other reason. No other reason. But I get weird if aliens were racist against each other. You know what I mean? It's like and we're looking at him going, you're all just different shades of green. Like, we think they're crazy. But that's how they would view us. Right. Isn't isn't that true? They probably see what we do and go, what the hell? They drive their cars through the restaurant and pick up the.

The food at the window? What the hell? You think ETs are flying their flying saucers to the restaurant, getting out and going in? Look, I've been on this planet a little bit, okay? Sure. And I've learned things and met people, but one thing I can't get straight is the drive-thru. Yeah. What the hell? I'm walking through there. I will go the opposite way. You can't bring...

I brought my bike in the stall. They didn't want that. They wouldn't let me go through the thing either. Car culture is a thing here in the United States. It's a habit that we definitely should break. This is another topic, the environment. I mean, Dr. Green, you have to have an opinion on this. Well, of course, Scott. Me only eat organic. Me drive electric car. Me believe in the environment in me bones.

You believe in it. So it exists. I believe that the environment exists. And I believe that we are all a part of this big blue marble. Bold stance. Thank you. Now, that's interesting. I'm one of them. And I stand behind it. Wow. All right. I'm one of these guys who says. Look, I mean, things get a little heated here on the round table. This is what happens. People take these hot takes. I believe we must all eat food and drink water to survive. Wow.

All right, Dr. Green. Now, John Lennon, you were going to say something? I was going to say something that I forget now, but he's right about the food. You ever been out on the street, the sun beating down on you, and you haven't had lunch yet? Yeah. You fall right over. Yeah. Anyone you see on the street who fell over, just give them something to eat. Sure. Yeah, that'll help. Get their blood sugar up. Anyway, I saw an alien once. Oh, what? I thought so. Tell me. You ever been to Jackson Hole, Wyoming? Sure. My favorite place to go. Yeah.

Jackson Hall, Wyoming? No, no, back in the 1800s. You would come over from England? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a big trip to make. Well, I'm from Scotland by way of Jackson, Wyoming. Oh, that's where you were born? Well, that's where I was from, I would say. And so then you moved to Scotland and started killing people.

No, I moved to Scotland and then I became a city planner after getting my degree here. Yes, I deleted some of the details. Well, don't do that. But I'm still right in terms of chronologically I was correct. Sure, but your verbiage was incorrect and I will call it out every single time because I hate death, but I love death.

There it is. I love that. Tell us about this alien you saw. I'm sitting in a diner. It's one of these lumberjack diners. Sure. I've seen diners drive-ins and dives. It was a little like that. It was the first one of those. The first episode? In the list. Oh, okay. Oh, I got it. So I'm sitting there, and I've got a stack of pancakes that's got to be from my belly button to my chin. Are these thick pancakes? And there were only a few of them? There was three of them.

Buttermilk, blueberry, what are we talking about? I got one of each. Buttermilk, blueberry, and sausage. They put sausage in it. In the pancake? In the pancake! I couldn't believe it. That one was terrible. I put that on a separate plate. Also, behind me was this guy, gray guy, he had a big huge head and giant eyes. I'll get to him in just a minute, but this one pancake, I just couldn't. It was tough to cut into. You don't know when you put a sausage in a pancake. Very difficult. Well, you would need a knife.

Yes, I would. To cut into anything, really. Sure, and I had one. Jack, your eyes lit up when I said you would need a knife. Well, no, I mean, the knife's on the table and I simply won't touch it. It's just going to sort of sit there. All right. Sit there in the middle. We'll all know it's there. You're kind of lightly caressing the gun.

I'm just petting it. I don't want it to get lonely and get so cold. Huh? When did you get into guns? It's a revolver. Sure. Hey, revolver. Your eyes lit up when she said revolver. I'm out of here. You don't like the album Revolver? Oh, I thought you meant the thing that shot me. Oh, okay. No, Revolver. I love that album. Isn't that ironic that you name your record Revolver? I know. The ultimate irony. You're shot by one. I should have named that record Feather. Yeah.

Sure. I don't mind Mark David Chapman throwing feathers at me on the streets of New York City. Oh, tickling me too. I love that. You love to be tickled. I love to laugh. I love to be tickled. Wow. But I won't tickle anyone else. If you see John Lennon on the street with his big round glasses, tickle him. Tickle me and pickle me. Give me a tickle and hand me a pickle and be on your merry way. That's the perfect fan interaction. You tickle by them and then they give you a pickle and then goodbye.

If I ever met my hero, I would definitely be there. Who's your hero? Albert Brooks. Oh, I bet you could meet him. Maybe, but I'd be so nervous around him. I'm like, God, your movies are great. Anyway, so tell us about this alien. What happened? Oh, right. So I get through the regular pancake, buttermilk, boom, done. Blueberry, done, gone. I can't get through this sausage pancake. And I'm asking people to come over. Can anyone jump in here and help me out? Sure. And this guy behind, the gray guy behind me, big eyes,

He said, I could help, but it was in this language we couldn't understand. Was he wearing a bikini? Yeah, he had a bikini tan line. He was nude. That's the other thing. So we weren't looking at him very much. Yeah, I was trying to get a good look at him. Because we're all polite there in the diner. Sure. And he ended up, he took out some laser gun or some laser sword or something and cut the thing up.

It was like a lightsaber? Have you ever seen those Star Wars movies? I've seen every one of them. Oh, okay. So you know the lightsaber. I know Vader. I know Luke, Yoda, of course. What?

Do you know Anakin? Well, yeah, I've seen that one too. Yeah. Three of them. Do you know Qui-Gon Jinn? Of course. Is that your favorite? Yeah, I love Qui-Gon Jinn. There were some Jamaican sounding aliens in Star Wars. Also some Asian ones too. They were all the bad guys. They were the bad guys. Jar Jar Binks is a distant cousin of mine. Really? So he is real. He's real, yeah. I knew that. Not in actuality. That's what I said when everyone was poo-pooing.

Jar Jar Binks. I said, well, come on, it's a real guy there. That's right. You know, you can't make fun of somebody's culture. Right. Okay. Exactly. Was Darth Maul a good guy or a bad guy? It depends on where you stand on how he felt about things. Oh, that's interesting. Order in the universe? Sure. You think if they made that character now, they might call him Darth Online Shopping. Nobody's going to malls anymore. John, are you still working on your stand-up?

A lot of it's locked in, you know, but I've got this one, I just need one ending joke. And I think that might do it. I don't know if that's it. Although I wish you would end your jokes. Okay, picture this. A huge auditorium of people. I say that joke and they're laughing. Okay, is it in between some of your incredible famous songs? This is sort of a thing I'll maybe open with a parody version of one of my songs. I don't know. You got to get back to what you're really good at.

You know what I mean? I mean, look, some would say, John Lennon, you're such a genius, you could excel at anything. A genie? Are you a genie? I wish. That would be one of my wishes for the genie. Hey, can I be one of you? Just don't make me blue.

That's the thing about genies. What if they were all racist about the different shades of blue they all were? Right. We're looking at them going like, you guys are crazy, but they're looking at us going, you do the same thing. Right. And they see, you know, the Robin Williams genie. Yeah. And they go, that is not, that is not how we act. And then you see the Will Smith, by the way, the slapper around the world. We got to talk about that. Did you say that? Please. Topical. Topical for the round table. That's right. I know it's maybe too hot for the round table because

Because the thing about the round table, we like it cold. We like these tables ice cold. That's a good... If you want to say while we're on it, La La Land was robbed. Anyway. Anyway. So what happened? The alien came over, he cut your sausage pancake or what? He cut it up, used his little... It was more like getting back to the laser knife. It was just a little knife. Oh, okay. But it melted the whole counter. Oh, okay.

And he got in his spaceship and flew away. Okay, so he was driving a spaceship. All right, he was driving. That's when I pulled in. I was like, what the fuck is this thing? He parked. He parked it. He parked it right in the... Yeah, he parked it. Was he in the handicapped spot or... He was at the alien spot. Oh, okay. Handicapped alien spot. Jack, that's too much for you. It feels a little offensive for it to be a dual handicapped and alien spot. Well, they had regular spots, regular handicapped spots, alien spots, alien handicapped.

Oh, well, actually, that's very thoughtful. Jackson, Wyoming, very welcoming place. Very progressive there. All kinds. That's where Kanye West records all his albums now because it's a very welcoming place. Yeah, yeah. They'll take all comers. Well, guys...

We need to take a break here. Can you believe it? I mean, we're just flying through the round table here. This is incredible. So many topics. So many topics. We've covered ETs. What do they look like? We covered the environment. You had a lot to say on that. Hashtag Oscar's so white. That's right. But we need to take a break. When we come back, the round table continues.

The circular nature of a roundtable means it perhaps is without end, even though this episode probably will end. But will the roundtable ever really end in your hearts? I don't know. But we're going to find out when we come back. We're going to take a break. When we come back, we'll have more John Lennon, more Jack the Ripper, more Dr. Green, more CBB Roundtable after this. For 25 years, Mike's has been making lemonade the hard way. Mike's Hard Lemonade. Hard days.

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so it would be very cool to the touch. Oh, that's what that is. I didn't understand why it was cold. Yeah, we knew the topics would be so hot. We didn't want the table to light on fire or anything like that, so we've cooled it down. Putting my mattress away. Yeah.

Oh, really? Jack, you put a few things up here during the break. Well, just a few. What is this? Oh, no, sorry. That's my gravity bong. Oh, yeah, I was going to say, you clunk people on the heads with it, but it's your guy. Is this your lunch that says, oh, Dr. Green, there they go. Okay, there's a lot of brownies in here with little green bits in it.

Just a brownie lunch for you? Just a brownie lunch for me, yeah. I got surgery later, so I'm just keeping it light. Keeping it light. There are 12 brownies there. They're individually wrapped with price tags on them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you pay yourself to eat brownies? Listen, it's like if you have an S-Corp and you're your own employee, Scott, that's how I do it. Oh, okay, yeah. Now you're speaking my language. Tax forms. Finances. Yeah, wow. Yeah.

Welcome back to the Roundtable. Jack the Ripper also here. Hello, Scout. What have you put down on the table here during the break? A garrotte. A garrotte. Yeah. It was weighing too heavy on my heart. I said, get that on the table. I just want it all out in the open. Do you have any of the weapons the Ninja Turtles use? You got a scythe? Yes, pizza. Not pizza. The weapon of friendship. Although I would imagine it hardened their arteries.

Maybe they could have made it to the early 20s Teenage Turtles. Are they all dead? They're all dead. Yeah, is that canon? That old rat flushed them, eh? All these movies they're making, these are all like previous adventures. And then we have my mini-canon that's on there. Oh, okay, a mini-canon. It is small. Yeah, that's very small. Small but fast. A lot like that laser knife that the...

The E.T. Don't even bring that up again. Do you think our table's so cold the E.T. wouldn't be able to slice through it with that laser knife? This thing melted the whole counter, so I don't know. Okay, yeah. They're using technology, Scott. Maybe they should have froze those tables before they... That's what I said. Look, that's what I said. And when the thing melted, I said, hmm, who's crazy now? Right, okay.

Uh, well guys, we're back to the round table and it's time for another topic. And, uh, we gotta, we gotta get to it. I mean, there's a lot going on in the world and we need to maybe to solve some issues. So, uh,

What superpower would you have for life if you could have it? So you said we were coming on here to discuss the news of the day. Sure. And the question is, what superpower would we have if we could have one? That's right. This is a lot of people talking about it. I didn't realize we were all on a first date with Scott Ackerman.

Hey, what food would you eat for the rest of your life if you could? Burritos. Really? What kind of burrito? I mean, this is maybe too hot a take for the roundtable, but... Me love food. Me love breathing air. And me don't care who knows it. What type of air, though? Is the air you like to breathe coming through a heat and a filtered cigarette, I'd say? Me love...

Take your time. Take your time. It's all right. We have all the time in the world. All two mixed with THC and breathe out carbon dioxide.

Is that clear? That's the formula. I like that. The duck is the hill I will die on. All right. Wonderful. I've got to say, though, I mean, with Marvel movies being as big as they are, this is a very topical topic. It's very topical. I mean, it's on people's minds. They're all talking about it these days. You see it on the news. I think about Spider-Man every other day. Really? What do you think about him? I just think how he does it. Yeah. And if he's real and if I can ever meet him. He'd be a guy I'd like to meet. Yeah. He was bitten by a radioactive spider, from what I can tell, and that's how he does it. Right.

Ah, yes. Yeah. You ever been bitten by anything radioactive or otherwise? I've been bitten by them all, baby. Yeah? Right. Like, what are we talking about? A snake, a horse. I got a dog bite. I got cat bites. I got a lizard bite. I got a lizard bite on my toe that still won't go away. Really? Still won't go away. The lizard's still stuck on that toe. Oh, no. My second toe.

I was wondering why one of your shoes is size 10 and one is size 20. Yeah, that's a big lizard. Yeah, oh my gosh. And then here's my fucking thing. I gave him shoes too. Oh no. You ever try to dress a lizard? These clothes are so specifically made. You want to match to your own outfit as well. Exactly, so I got to get two of everything now. Oh my gosh. Pisses me off. But my favorite Spider-Man quality is he can zip around.

He's what? That he can zip around this guy. Zip around, yes. Just on the web. Yeah. I also have been bitten by a lot of animals. Anytime I'm taking the organs out of an animal, they usually bite me. They're still alive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to get it fresh, Scott. You can't be putting, you know, dead, cold hearts, pig hearts in there. Okay, but why not kill the animal right before you take the heart out? Because we need the blood still flowing through it. Why? Why?

For science. Oh, scientific purposes. I'd say freshness. You want it as fresh as possible. We have a lot in common. I think so, yeah. Scott, this does feel like a first date, but maybe two of us. If you guys want to go on a second, we'll pay for it. No, I'm ready. I'm ready. You're ready for what? Singer-songwriter. Singer-songwriter. That is kind of a superpower in a lot of ways. I would be a singer-songwriter. Do you want to hear something I've been working on? Yeah, I'd love that. Imagine there's no sevens. Sevens. It's easy if you try.

I have no space below us. I have two pieces of bad news for you. Above us, a king and a jack. A king and a jack. Are you, you're talking about poker? Huh? You're talking about like the cards that you want to flip on the river? This is what, the turn? This song is called The Gambler. Do you like it?

Okay, here's some more bad news. There already is a famous song called The Gambler. Yes, I just wrote it and you heard it. Don't steal it, Scout. And there is a song to that tune that John over here has written. No way. I knew that. I recognized that almost immediately. Yeah, almost immediately. Well, give it to me. It's pretty good. You take it. I'm not playing that thing anymore. Yeah, famously sung by Gal Gadot.

And I never got to. You think they would have hit you up for that? They did. Were you around? We talked about this, I think. If the listeners heard this before, we're terribly sorry. She asked me to do it. And I did my part and I sent the whole thing in and I got cut out of it. You got cut out? You're the guy who wrote the song. I know, but it was COVID and I was, I think I had COVID, so I was coughing. It sounded terrible. But still, maybe we could figure something out.

Yeah. But she said, no, this has to come out today, today. If you watch that We Are the World documentary, they fit Bob Dylan in there. That was funny. There's joys of being a kid. We're saving our own lives. And have his part done for him by Stevie Wonder. Is your superpower impressions? It might be. Name anyone. I can do them. Name anyone. Okay. John Lennon.

All right, all right. That's an easy one. That's an easy one. Anyone could do it. Wally Big One Wallace. Who is that? My friend. Your friend? Yes. Give me a little bit of him. Where are they from? He was from London, and he was very, very big on the city planning committee. Oh, my. Look at all this city planning. Nailed it. Wow. Nailed it. Nailed it or nailed it? Nailed it. Perfect. What about Wallace Shawn? Wallace Shawn. Inconceivable. That's pretty good.

What about Chris Wallace, Biggie Smiles? I dare not. I'm not going to get canceled on the round table of any episode. Okay, how about this? Me give you cultural permission. Give me someone white. Wait, I get cultural permission? Cultural permission. Just like when Kanye, when he would sing Gold Digger and he would give permission to all the white people in the audience. I'm not falling for that shit. Me went to that concert in high school. That is very real. Yeah, how did it feel? It felt awesome. Oh, okay.

I loved it. I don't know. The writing was not on the wall. I think he should have gotten consent from every black person in the audience to give everyone permission. Okay. Yeah. Well, to make it, to make it a safe space for everyone, but me give you cultural permission to do my cousin, Jar Jar Binks, Jar Jar Binks. Here we go. Me so crazy.

He says something like Misa crazy, right? He talks about... Misa horny! He says Misa horny. Oh, Misa horny! Jar Jar Binks, Steve Carell, and 40-Year-Old Virgin, basically the same thing. Yeah, basically the same thing. So, guys... Oh, Dr. Green, what about your superpower? What would you have? Oh, yeah. Listen, me love to fly. Yeah. Fly so high. Toodling around, just like... Yeah, zoom, zoom. Yeah, yeah. Through the clouds. Are you talking mentally? Huh? Yeah.

More spiritually, sort of like vibes-wise. Yeah, yeah. You ever astral project? Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You do? Now what does that mean? I've heard that. That's when your soul leaves your body and floats above it. Me have the power to go to sleep. This is the same as those insidious movies. Me go to sleep, me spirit flies out of me body, me can go anywhere in the world and anytime in the time. What do you think of those insidious movies?

Me love them. I think they're insatiable. Me love them. I think they're fun. They're fun. Me like insidious. What do you think of... Jack, you think they're a rump. Oh, they're my favorite comedy. You ever see that malignant? That's a superpower, having someone on your back like a... Malignant? Yeah, like your conjoined twin on your back that controls your every move. Me never seen that, but me could get rid of that with surgery. Yeah, oh really? What would you put on instead? Well, just the other day, me split two conjoined twins and then me put two...

small chickens where the twins used to be. Where they used to be. So you split the twins both and then you just took two chickens and put them together. Use the chicken in the gaping hole. That's an upgrade, I think. Agreed. Because we didn't want them to be lonely, you know? To spend their whole lives attached to another person. What are they going to do? So just to clarify this, you split the twins and then put two chickens together or you added a chicken to each twin? So we split the twins. Okay, we have

the split the twins part. We split the twins. Me then took two chickens, fused them together. I see. Separately. Separately. And then me put two chickens on the twins. I see. So four chickens total. Okay. Four chickens, two people. Immutable law of the universe. If you undo one conjoined twin, you must create another. I see.

Wow. And did anyone pay you for this? That was during my residency. So it was paying to do that surgery. Okay. Wow. And I'm so sorry to pry. I saw that you do have a John Hopkins student ID. You went to John Hopkins? Yeah, that's right. That's where I did my surgery internships. Wow. Did you ever meet him? The John Hopkins? Yeah. No. No, no, no. I think he's dead. Oh, really? Oh, that's too bad. Yeah. Can you do an impression of him? Yeah.

Hello, it's John Hopkins here. Uncanny. Welcome to me school. And so John didn't just decide to be alive again?

Men don't know that he knew that was an option. Oh, yeah, it's always an option. I bumped into him. Oh, you did? I said, you know, you can come up. He said, I know, but there's still work to be done down here. He had stacks of books. He was reading. He was on YouTube looking at surgery clips. So, John, I'm sorry to ask this because it sounds like we had quite a different experience. Sure, sure. Oh, you flashed. I flashed. I was in a grave for four years reading.

I see. Reading. Reading one book or multiple books? What the hell book was it? Where the Red Fern Grows? Oh, okay. I read some of that at least. Yeah. It doesn't sound like you retained any of it. No, I think that book is trash. Yeah. So were you so tired of that book, you were like, I got to get out of here. Right. It was kind of like, this book sucks, kind of. Yeah. I got to get another book. I got to get another book. So did you think you were going to get a book and then go back down? I would do that every once in a while. Oh, I see. In the dead of night, I would sort of skitter about. Oh.

On Halloween, I figured Halloween, so I go out and get a big armful of books and come back. Have you read much Chekhov? Most. Oh, fun. And I can recite most of it as well. Have you read much J.K. Rowling? Harry Potter.

The boy who lived. The boy who lived has come here to die. Yeah. My God, Voldemort. Where do you stand on Voldemort? I hate him. You remember that book I was trying to write? Oh, yeah. Larry Plotter. Right. And I got an illegal stuff, so I couldn't finish it. That's right. It was pretty much the same. You could have finished it.

I could have. You just couldn't have released it. In my mind, if there's no way I can make money on it, I'm done. So you wrote all those songs, those wonderful songs for money? I wanted a very comfortable lifestyle. And you had one. I mean, you were there at the Dakota. I had one. For a brief moment, it was very uncomfortable. Yeah.

Does it suck being dead, both of you? Dr. Green, you would know. Or maybe, have you ever clinically died or anything like that? No, no, not yet. Any patients on the table die and come back? We established at the beginning, if you are the cause of medical malpractice, it's not murder, right? That's not what I'm saying.

I mean, maybe not in a court of law, but... Then yes. I don't want to get into legal stuff about who you murdered and didn't murder. Fair enough. Jack, you're well documented. We'll stay away from it. Who knows what happened? I'm sorry. Mm-hmm.

And the conversation comes to a screeching halt. Well, I mean, you know, hey, this is what happens at the round table, you know, like sometimes we go down these blind alleys. I know you just lit up when I said blind alleys. Well, I'm just excited. I have a question for you, Scott. Yes. What's your favorite surgery you ever had?

Gosh, wow. I've had so few in my life. Do you count colonoscopies? Because they give you the good stuff for that. You get the propofol, you know, the Michael Jackson special. Sure. You come out of it just kind of going, hee hee. It feels so good. Now that's if I had the feather, that's what I'd be saying. Yeah, true. Mark David just tickled me. Wow. So did you ever pick a super?

No, I said I like... We got flying and we got singer-songwriter. Singer-songwriter. I would go... I would want mind control just on Ringo and have him give me my damn guitar back. You could just ask him nicely. I've asked him a thousand times and he won't... He just... And I'm so nice. Do you think that it's... Because originally you were thinking he was forgetting to give it back to you. I think he's just embarrassed now. He's embarrassed that it's taken so long. Because he hasn't been doing anything with it. Do you think he broke it? Maybe? Maybe.

I didn't until now. Uh-oh. And I would love to get my mind jumping into his and know that. Yeah. Okay. All right. Well, we got to move on to our final topic here on the round table. You know what happens here. Please be pizza. Please be pizza. This is where it gets super hot, and we're going to get quick takes here. Our final topic is, what do you think your lucky number is and why? Ooh. Right. Right. Right.

John, what do we got? 69. It's worked for me in the past. I saw that Rolling Stone cover of you and Yoko. Come on. Her head actually was next to your head, but I can only imagine what happened in between clicks of the shutter. There was one moment. There's one picture. We never released it, but we were in that position. I said, oh, hold on. Let me just get my wallet. It was on the bed. Let me get my wallet out of the way. So I bent down. It was by my feet. And for that instant, we were in a 69 position. Oh, wow. And I said, this I got to remember.

And so did you ever get into one of those ever since then? A 69 position? Well, I'll tell you what I did. In my basketball league, my summer basketball league, I ended 69 jazzy. Okay, hey, there you go. Hey, passes a 69, you know something's going to happen. Yeah, all right. For me, Scott, I'll go next. Dr. Green, sure. Yeah, for me, my lucky numbers are the day that I graduated from John Hopkins Medical School. Let me guess, was this April 20th? Yes, how did you know?

I just had a feeling. Wow. It was a wonderful day. Yeah. I got my degree, my diploma. I started my practice. I feel very proud of that. 420, the best day ever. Is that why you have the full back tattoos of 420 and then that same alien from the poster? Exactly right. Take me to your dealer. It's great. Who did that for you? That must have been... Banksy. Banksy does tattoos as well? Yeah, down on the boardwalk. Wow.

- Wow. - Come on down. - All right. And Jack the Ripper, what a lucky number. - Easy. - Mm. - Eight, six, seven, five, three.

Oh, nine. Wow. It's an important part of my new song that I've written. Oh, okay. It's an important part of it? It's a very important part of the song that I've written. So you're talking about the number 8,670... 309. Anyway, I can't parse this out, but...

You wrote a song. I'd love to hear some of this song. Okay. Are you ready? Yeah, here we go. I wish that I had 8-6-7-5-3-0-9's cards. I wish that I had 8-6-7-3-0-9's cards. Honey, honey, you, what can I say? Deal me in. Come on, baby. This is another poker song? That's not bad.

Do you play online poker or something? I'm in so much dead scout. Oh, no. I'm in so much trouble. Are you bad at gambling? I'm very bad at gambling. Well, here's the thing. I thought maybe I could become a singer-songwriter. I could get some tips or something like that. It's hard living in this modern age. It used to be that you could go on the city council, kill a couple of people, get run out of town, go save off of your family's money, move back to your hometown in Wyoming.

Stay out on the estate for a few years. Come back to London under a new name. Maybe it's a little bit thinner this time. I don't know. Maybe people don't recognize you, so you start your life over again. But it's boring because you've got a taste for blood. What was that? The name is thinner or you're thinner? A little bit of both. You're eating less because you can't get the thrills anymore that you used to get, right? Right. You're sitting in town just sort of wandering about the streets one night and you thought, maybe I can just get one.

Maybe that's okay. And I'm looking around at all of you and I'm thinking, do we need three people at this table? I mean, there's four of us. Is there? You're asking if we need one less? Do we need three extra people at this table right now? These are the kind of thoughts that start running through your head after you haven't killed for a while. It's not the CBB triangle table. And so maybe you just pick up

This sword that's on the table. Oh, my God. Where did that sword come from? My boot, Scout. That's like a ninja. I mean, that's like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle sword. That's a katana blade. Yeah, that's a katana. And the next way you look at the revolver and you think, oh, what a beautiful, simple little instrument. What if I just picked it up?

And what if I pointed it at you? All of that is fine as long as you don't pull that trigger. And what if I pointed it at you? And what if I pointed it at you? Fine by me. Fine by me. I'm glad you're not doing any of this stuff. You're just talking about what would happen. I'm just saying, what if? Yeah, what if? Maybe the gambling wouldn't matter. Imagine. Imagine.

There's a lot to process here. There's a lot to suss through. Yeah. I'm just thinking about it. That's it. Yeah. But that's what happens at the round table is like we lay bare everything that's going on in these hands. I don't think you can say that's what happens at the round table if the round table has only happened twice. I mean, look, the common thread between these two round tables is that's what happens.

On these roundtables. Watch what happens next here at the roundtable. That's right. That's good. Write that down. Already done. We get into our innermost thoughts, our secrets, and we just lay them out there on the roundtable, and that's what happened, guys. I mean, this was a success as far as I'm concerned. Did any of us tell a secret today?

I mean, we talked about the superpower thing. We talked about what extraterrestrials look like. I've never told anyone about that superpower. Yeah, you've never mentioned that, right? No, that's a secret to me. Have you ever told that story about the ETs slashing the table up? I wrote a piece. I wrote a piece for the New Yorker. Oh, congratulations. No, they didn't like it. Too many grammar errors. But I was like, okay, fine. But the story is there. Well, that's what the editor's for, is it not? Jack, you sound like me three months ago. Okay, look at us. This is fun.

And I have never publicly shared that I am related to Jar Jar Binks before. See? Because I know he going coming down to my door asking for money, that motherfucker. Is he broke? You know he broke. I've been in a movie in 25 years, Scott. Yeah. You would think they got the cost. Jesus. That movie, 25 years old? Think so. 97. Yeah. No, it's more than that. It was 27 years ago. Although I guess he was in... He had a small part in Attack of the Clones. That's right. He became a senator. Yeah.

Is that an animated joint? No, no, no. Oh, no, you got to catch up on the Star Wars. But this is what I'm saying. He has to have been in the animated things. Was he not invited back to do the voice? We don't know. He was, yes. He had several terrible episodes. No, Dr. Green, you only watch the canon movies. That's right, we only watch big franchise pieces. Okay, I don't want to... Because those are the best to be high for. I feel like I don't want to blow up your spot or anything, but you're wearing a large Steven Universe sweatshirt under your doctor coat. Yeah, what is going on with that?

It was gifted to me. That doesn't tie into the whole pot thing. Not really. I don't know. The Steven universe's eyes are bloodshot. Oh, okay. It's like a bootleg. It says, Steven, I can see the whole universe. Okay, now I see.

All right. Now that you're turning towards me, you've had your back to us this entire round table. I meant to say something about it. Steven has a couple blunts in his mouth too. That's not what the round table is all about. Someone sitting with their back to us. And a chicken on his back? Yeah. Listen, when in boardwalk...

Do as the boardwalks do. Is Boardwalk Empire still on? Oh, man. I haven't checked. I hope it is. Is Empire still on? I think so. I gotta get those DVDs, too. Can you believe anyone was tricked into watching those? Well, anyway, we don't have time for that topic. That's too hot for the roundtable. We are running out of time, guys. Unfortunately, we only have time for one final feature on the show, and that is a little something called plugs.

Maestro's Monster says time for plugs. Oh, all right. That was Maestro's Monster says time for plugs by Maestro's Monster. Thanks to Maestro's Monster for that plugs theme. And what are we plugging? John, do you have anything to plug here? You know what? I want everyone to go see Mike Hanford on all the social media. Oh, all the social media. And the Sloppy Boys social media. Check us out there. Yeah, why not? And Jack the Ripper, you got anything to plug here?

Hmm. Do I have anything to plug? Plug, plug. It's the time and you warned me it was coming and now we're sitting here. Yeah. Here's what I'd like to plug. Here's my plug. Are you ready? I'm ready. Here we go. I'm not. I'm not. Okay. Oh, okay. Now I am. Oh, okay. I'd love to plug my new album. Oh, okay. Great. If that's all right. What's it called, if you don't mind? Poker Face. Poker Face. This is...

This is a poker-themed album, I'm guessing. Well, there's cards involved, and it sort of does a lot for metaphor, and it does a lot for simile. You could also call it the river. Huh? What does that mean? It's a poker term. Oh, God. No wonder I'm in the hole. You should get a quality love to come by. Oh, wow.

Dr. Green, what do you want to plug? We would like to plug my business, Dr. Green's Surgery Emporium, down on the Venice Bard Walk. Come on down. We've got a two-for-one special right now. We'll put any animal inside any human being for half the price. So a full animal inside a human being? Does Richard Gere ever...

go by? You know what I mean? Those rumors would have never qualified as facts. I don't know what I'm trying to say, but those were rumors. Any animal inside any human being. So I could say I want a tiny little bird inside of Angelina Jolie and you could figure it out? That's right. We do have a witch doctor on staff to make those kind of stranger requests possible. Okay, who's the witch doctor? Someone related to you? Jar Jar Binks. Now let's say I come in and say I want a baby pig in me.

You're not going to just put down like a plate of bacon and the jokes on me. No, no. And then you have to eat it in under five minutes. Or your surgery you have to pay for. Or else I have to perform surgery.

Yeah, you're not doing any of these kind of... I've heard about these shady deals on the boardwalk. This is a serious surgery clinic. We'll just give you like 30, 40 ounces of weed and then put a baby pig inside you, you won't feel a ting, but you will have a nice little tail when you wake up in the morning. All right.

Well, what do I want to plug? Look, head over to CBBWorld.com. We have so many great shows over there. We got College Town and The Neighborhood Listen and CBB Presents and Scott Hasn't Seen and so many things going on, CBB FM. We also have the Comedy Bang Bang Tour all summer. Come out and see Paul F. Tompkins and myself and the CBB All-Stars. We'll be traveling around the globe.

And very exciting. You can get all of the dates and tickets are probably sold out in a lot of places. I bet they're still available for some places. You can get all of those at cbbworld.com slash tour. And those are all my plugs. Of course, I want to plug Comedy Bang Bang, the world's first dingless podcast. All right, let's close up the old plug bag. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.

All right. That was Close the Plug Bag by Ray-Ban Freakout by Scott Davidson. Oh, no, it was Ray-Ban Freakout by Scott Davidson.

That was just under the heading of close the plug bag. Thanks to Scott Davidson. So much for Ray-Ban Freakout. If you have a plugs theme opening or closing, head over to cbbworld.com slash plugs and you can be famous for a week. And Scott, baby, you are famous for a week as well as Maestro's Monster. Am I allowed to submit? Yeah, please. Yeah. Is it going to be poker related?

You don't know that for a fact, and you're not allowed to say that. What are the poker terms you know? Got it. Blinds? Double blinds? What are you saying? Anti. How about this? How about this? Oh, no. That's my favorite poker term. That's what you say when you lose? Yes. Jack, I mean, how'd you get into poker? Don't call me Jack. Call me Jack the Ripper. Okay, I'm sorry.

Jack the Ripper. How'd you get into poker? Me? Yeah, I just said Jack the Ripper. I know online.

Online! Online! I was online and some guy said, here, come here, come to the alley. And I said, me? And they said, yes. So in the last week, you've read five Harry Potter movies and become severely addicted to online poker. No, no, no, no, no. So here's what happened. I was online for, to get to, do you know the brand Superdry? No. What is that? It's a streetwear brand. I was online...

You're in the street. That's cool. Have you not seen my outfit? Oh, yeah. You're wearing like a tracksuit. Yes, correct. And some guy said, come here. And I said, what? He said, come to the alley. And I said, alleys are dangerous. And he said, just come for one second. And then he taught me how to play Texas Hold'em in the alley. Oh.

I guess we could have gotten into the fact that they've legalized gambling with all this online betting stuff. Does that lead to societal ills? But look, I guess that's for another roundtable. I used to kill in the alley and now I'm getting killed in the alley, if you know what I mean.

That's a good idea. That's a good topic, Scott. That's a good topic. I wish we had gotten around to that. Oh, I like the E.T. one. No, the E.T. one was good. Okay. But if we just had more time, we'd get into that. If only we had more time. But look, the roundtable has to end at a certain point. John, I want to thank you so much for being here. Oh, this has been great. I love seeing you. We got to do that trip, that rafting trip you were talking about. Yeah, we got to do that. Fun! In a shape...

very similar to this circular round table we're at. You're right. Yeah. I never thought of it that way. The raft is very similar to that in a lot of ways. It's chill. Yeah, we got to do that. What level do you want to go? I want to do top level, but we got to, if we're doing that, we got to go to like, we'll do it in 2028. We're not ready for that. We're not ready for that. Yeah. We want class five. I'm a beginner. I've never even gotten into the water. I'm just learning what rafting is all about. Yeah, bath or otherwise.

Really? Yeah. No, I won't do it. You look and smell great for someone who doesn't get in the water. Thanks so much. Yeah. You're welcome. And now one for me. Hey, John, you're one of my favorite songwriters. I love... Hey, come on. You're offending Jackie. This is tough. Jackie the Ripper. Thank you. Jackie the Ripper, great to meet you. Hey, so lovely meeting you, Scal. Yeah. I mean, maybe you can come back sometime. Why are you... You're reaching towards the center of the table. Well, I'm putting my things away. Oh, okay. I'm going to

ignore that while i say why did you say that oh i wish that was a feather oh you shot john lennon oh john i'm sorry i should have changed my superhero oh my gosh uh dr i want to thank john i'll get back to you john but uh dr green i want to thank you for being here of course quickly do you want to attend oh thank god

You put a turkey's neck where the gaping hole in your shoulder. Oh my God, look at that waddle. Oh, how fun is that? You now canonically have a turkey's head in your chest. It's a neck actually. It looks like you have two sets of balls because honestly, your shorts are so short that I can see your other ones right now.

How are you feeling? I'm feeling not bad, man. I feel like I could eat a whole stack of sausage pancakes. Did you put pot in there too? Maybe. Oh, Dr. Green. Sorry. Listen, I want to leave it with this, Scott. Yes. We believe that every single human being in the world has a God-given right to close their eyes at night and rest. Yes. If they're not working.

Some people work the graveyard chair. And honestly, that's a little offensive towards them. Too hot for the round table. I'm sorry. Yeah. Don't cancel Dr. Green. This is what happens. It's a safe space, supposedly, that you should remain uncancellable for. But that was a little too hot for me. Spicy, like a goat curry. Take that to the square tables. We're not taking those kind of things at the round table here. Guys, thank you so much. Success here. Should we do another round table?

Let's do it, brother. Piña coladas. Let's do it. Yeah. All right. We'll see you next time. Thanks. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

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