Bonus Bang: Zach Galifianakis, Paul F. Tompkins, Dillon Campbell Pt. 2 (Essential Andrew Lloyd Webber) 01:01:04

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Hey everyone, Scott Aukerman here, host of Comedy Bang Bang, and this is the second bonus bang that we are releasing. These are previous episodes that we're taking out from behind the paywall and letting you hear them. And this is the second episode of the series we are calling The Essential Andrew Lloyd Webber. This is an episode called Don't Cry, Rolling Skate Train.

And this is episode 77. This is part two of the episode, part one of which we released last week. This has Zach Galifianakis, Paul F. Tompkins as Andrew Lloyd Webber, and singer-songwriter Dylan Campbell performing some songs. This is a great episode. I'm sure a lot of you have heard it, but if you haven't heard it, this is a great chance to catch up.

And if you are interested in hearing the entire CBB archive, you can become a subscriber at CBB world.com where you can find every single episode we've recorded as well as every single live episode. And we will be back next week with a new episode of comedy. Bang, bang until then. Enjoy this bonus bang. Comedy.

Death Ray Comedy Death Ray Comedy Death Ray Okay, so it's time to play one of our favorite features on this program. Oh, yeah. And we haven't played this in a little while, I don't believe, but it's time to play a little game we call What Am I Thinking? No, no. No, no.

I am the phantom of the opera. Jeremy Piven. My name is Jeremy Harvey Piven. Okay, it's time to play What Am I Thinking? Of course, we all know how we play this game. Of course, we all do. Basically, what will happen is I will...

Okay, so here's how I explain it. We all know how we play this, so why bother? Yes, we all do. Maybe a refresher. Oh, that's a great tip. For the listener. Only for the listener. For the new listener. Okay, so what this is, is two people will play at a time. Dame Sir and I, for example, will take a look at each other and we will both say three, two, one together in synchronicity. Yes.

And then we will each think of a separate word to ourselves, and we will say that word out loud at the same time. And then we will both have said two totally separate words. And then we will each say three, two, one again and try to come up with the word that is the compromise word.

The word that is either directly in between those words or a word that has both of those things in common. And then we will try to eventually say the same word. That makes sense to you. The mystery word betwixt the two. Neither fish nor flesh. Nor fowl. Nor fowl. You're talking Terrence Trent Darby there.

For a second. I often do. Zach, that makes sense to you, right? You can watch us play. I'm going to watch the... I don't think I've played this before. No, I don't, but as a big fan of the show, you know exactly how it's played. Yes. Loyal listener. Yes.

So, Dame Sir, why don't we play, you and I, together? We'll stare directly into each other's eyes. We'll play that. All right. Are you ready to go? You have a word in mind? I have a question. Yes. Person, place, or thing? No. Just a word? It doesn't matter. Anything. Person, place, thing. Proper noun, anything. Proper noun. Good. Were you differentiating words from persons, places, and things? Yes. Yes.

All right. I meant proper nouns is what I meant. Sure. Proper nouns are... Iphal Tower. This is not Scrabble. It's also two words. Iphal Tower for once.

I've been listening to this podcast for a year, and no one has brought up Eiffel Tower. That is true. Lloyd knows. You can do more than one word. Lord knows, too. You can do more than one word. I do want to say that. So if it's like Frank Lloyd Wright, you can say Frank Lloyd Wright. You know what I'm saying? It doesn't have to be one word. He's not in any relation to you, is he? Oh, I wish. I would have gotten a house for free. Was he just giving away houses to all of his relations? Oh, yes. Really? Really.

That's why he eventually went broke after he died. All right. So why don't we play You Have a Word in Mind? Yes. All right. Please try to hide your distaste for this game as well. I'm not an actor, dear boy. If only I could put on a false face, as you seem to do. All right. Here we go. Ready? And we say three, two, one, and then the word. All right. Here we go. Ready? Three.

Three, two, one. Phantom. Okay. The two words are iPhone and Phantom. iPhone and Phantom. I just got to tell you, I think it's... No offense, Lloyd, but you have to broaden your mind a little bit. Don't you understand, Zachariah? These songs and characters, they're with me always. Okay, all right. Whispering in my brain's ears. Okay, maybe on the next one you'll...

Well, we'll see. We'll be able to escape. We'll see. The words are phantom and iPhone. And we're going to try to come up with the perfect combination word or the word that they have both in common. All right. Here we go. Ready? And three, two, one. Computer virus. Ah, computer virus and Star Wars. Yes. Interesting. Well, I mean. Generous. Compared to other things that exist in the world. Dirt. Staring at the wall. Dirt.

How dare you? Don't knock it till you've tried it, love. All right. So Star Wars and computer virus are the two words. Let me think about this for just one second. I'm ready. All right. Here we go. Ready? Three, two, one. Stormtrooper. Oh, Jar Jar and Stormtrooper. What is the combination between them? All right. Here we go. Ready? Three, two, one. Rebel Alliance.

Chewbacca and the Rebel Alliance. All right, ready? What do they have in common? Three, two, one, Han Solo! We've got it! We've got it!

It's a good game. That is how it's done. Where'd you come up with that concept? That is a game that James Adomian, friend of the show, and I, and Paul F. Tompkins, friend of the show, and I played in the car on a long trip to Solvang once. One of them wasn't very good at it at all. But one of our guests here today was great at it because we just won in five moves or less. Thank you. Yeah, congratulations. What's the record? The record is one.

Meaning we said the same word at the exact same time, the first word. I believe that was you and your wife. That was me and my wife. And it happened to be something we were both looking at. But still, it counts. Technically. All right, Zach, do you want to play? Sure. All right, you and I then? Sure. Okay, all right. So you have a word in mind? Uh...

Sure. Don't say airplane just because we both hear it outside. Ready? All right, here we go. Three, two, one. Airplane. Wow. Another record. Tied. It was faster. Tied for first. No, let's play for real. Okay, ready? Here we go. Ready? Do you have a word? Yeah. All right. Three, two, one. Light switch. Two up.

Light switch and tulip. What is the word that has those in common? All right, you ready? May I remind you, Zachary is also supposed to count down. You are supposed to count. Thank you. Using analytical tools. I don't know why that's really necessary. And may I remind you, you are under oath. Why do I need to count down? So we're there in perfect concert. Got it. Why should the mathematical burden fall to Scottrick?

Well, I think he's the inventor of the game. I did not invent it. I merely perfected it. Okay. Fair points all round. All right. Here we go. Ready? We have light switch and tulip. Ready? All right. Three, two, one. Plastic. Interesting. Plastic and wallpaper. What is the word? All right. Do you have some in your mind?

I have a word, but I'll tell you after. Okay, here we go. Ready? Three, two, one, vinyl. Vinyl and room. All right, vinyl and room. All right, here we go. Ready? Three, two, one, record player. Insane Asylum. Insane Asylum and record player. All right, here we go. Wait, wait, wait. I'm not ready. Okay, you ready? What are the words? Record player and insane asylum. Insane Asylum. Yeah.

Yep. Okay, here we go. Three, two, one. Spike Jones. Okay. Spike Jones and escape. You said no two. I thought you said no two words. No, I said you can do two words. Oh. Here we go. Spike Jones and. Escape and Spike Jones. Okay. Okay. Escape and Spike Jones. Here we go. Ready? Ready?

Three, two, one. Jackass. Where the wild things are. Interesting. Where the wild things are and jackass. What is in between those? I know. Here we go. Can you go back and revisit another word? Yeah, you can. All right. All right. Three, two, one. Spike Jones. We did it. And that is how you play... That's a really cool game. I like that. What am I thinking? Exciting. Exciting.

A train on rolling skates seems so sad. Don't cry, rolling skate train. The world... Stop crying, you'll rust. Roller skate train. Roller skate train. Roller skate train.

Roller skate train. Roller skate train. All right, that is how we play What Am I Thinking? Someone wanted to add their own lyrics to this. Who was that fellow? This song is haunted. All right, do we want to play? Yeah, why don't we do that? Why don't we do Jukebox Jury? You in for it? We have a musician. Always.

We have a Dame Sir ALW here. Indeed. I'll ask Dylan to recuse himself. Yes, because we don't want him to get in trouble with critiquing songs. He's an artist himself. Yes. But as we are merely fans of the form. Indeed. Of singer songwriters. Absolutely. Then we are going to judge these songs. And we have Engineer Doug. What is our first song for Jukebox Jury?

Swing that microphone right around to you and announce yourself. This is Chicken Milk by Little Mungo. Can we vote now? Wait, wait, wait. I don't know. What are we doing? No, keep going. Keep going. People send me songs to play on the show and we judge them. Okay. This is Chicken Milk. Turn it up a little. Science has given the chicken a nipple.

Science has given the chicken a nibble. Science has given the chicken a nibble. I'm ready to vote. Give me a few more minutes. Fair enough. Has given the chicken a nibble. Here's where it stops the shame. Why the hell?

What's the name? What's the name? Who? What? Little Mungo. Little Mungo. All right, turn it off. Oh, it's an offshoot of Mungo. Littler than a regular Mungo. All right, so any thoughts before we vote? Well, the cardinal sin of the song not, the lyrics not starting right away.

with your funny sort of comedy song. Yeah, if you want to do a comedy song, you want to hook the listener into something funny right away. You don't want to get too much into a groove because presumably if you're doing comedy songs, you're not very good at regular songs. So why have some instrumentation up at the top? Just dive right in. Also, if you're going to repeat a line, I would do it either just twice or I would do it four times as quickly as possible. Okay. Zeturi. Zeturi.

Lloyd makes good points there. I agree with those. Thank you all. Are you asking me for my... Just some feedback, some constructive criticism. I think I'm on board with that criticism. How can Little Mungo basically parlay this song into a career like yours where you're starring in major motion pictures and television series? Oh, that's easy. That's easy. Oh, yeah? Well, they're halfway there. They're halfway there. That's what I did.

Do you know anything about Little Mongo? I know nothing about Little Mongo. Is it Lil or Little? Lil, L-I-L. And is it Mongo or Mungo? Mungo, M-U-N-G-O. Oh, Mungo. All right, so... Like Saint Mungo. Ah, yes. So it sounds like we are ready to vote then. So we will go to... No, we'll go to Zach first. Mustard or Pants? Mustard. Mustard. And Dame Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber? Uh...

I wish to be polite here, so I'll say trousers. All right. Very good. So we have one for... You know what I mean. Yes, of course. It means something different where I come from. We have one for mustard, one for trousers. And why don't we go to the next one? Engineer Doug, what do we have? This is A Tribe Called Gurp with Rocktober Now. Oh, Christ. Oh, Christ.

What's the month? It's the middle of Rock-Tuba. What you got to say? Y'all say it ain't sober. I'm in that killer coma, contagious in the corner of the six feet deep. Knockout squad, knocking out odd. Timing old men, lining up to say way to go, sonny like Liston. I'm a bad boy like the

All right. Yeah, forget it. All right. Any criticisms? What was the name of the song again? Rocktober Now? Rocktober Now.

What was the name of the group? A Tribe Called Gurp. A Tribe Called Gurp. A Tribe Called Gurp. Are these supposed to be funny? I think so. That's a good question. I mean, are they... I thought they were. It's basically people trying to send me, because I normally play comedy songs. Right. No offense, Dylan. But I normally play comedy songs, and so people send me them trying to get their song played on the air. Hmm.

I think the rap thing has been done a lot with comedy. If this is a comedic song, it's not that fresh to me. Especially on this show. It's almost exclusively what people send in. Yeah. It seemed a little bereft of laughs.

Yes. I couldn't figure out if that was the goal or if they just thought it was a somewhat amusing tune they'd send in and see what they could get. Who are the people sending them? That's a tribe called Gerb. No, I know, but who are they? They're fans of the show. Okay. Yeah, so we have to be nice to them, as nice as we can be. But they know when they send it in that they're going to be... They're not around town performing...

Oh, no. No, no, no. I'd like to see that live is what I would like to see that version live. I would love to go with you. Where are they playing? Yeah, can we get dates from them for the plugs? Engineer Doug, you're a hip-hop musician. What do you think about that? I thought it was terrible. Okay. Mincing no words. So let's go to DameserALW. How do you like to vote, mustard or pants? I'm going to vote mustard on that. Mustard and what do we get from Zach? Does it...

How do you vote? Pants. Pants, okay. We have one for mustard, one for pants. And what do we have next, Doug? The group is The Personnel, or The Personal. The song's Twister in the Nude. How is it spelled? Personal. I misspoke. And Twister in the Nude. Correct. If you ain't got no place to go and you ain't a stuck-up prude, just bring a friend to my house, baby. We'll all...

All right, turn it off.

What the fuck are we doing with this show? I almost wanted to hear more to see if he had exhausted the rhymes for nude. I bet he didn't. He'd worked his way through quite a few of them. Let's hear some more. All right, turn it off. You know, people write to me and they say, hey, can you stop doing that jukebox jury segment? Who dares? And I say to them, you can't tell me what to do. You're not my dad.

Even my dad can't tell me what to do because I'm a grown-ass man. That's right. You know? But there are days like this where I just want to acquiesce and give in and go, you know what? You're right. Skaltric. Not all my ideas are good ones. Skaltric, you must never cease the jukebox jury.

Why? Why do you believe in it so much? It's the foundation of your American Republic democracy. Don't you understand? Everyone gets a vote. What would happen if you ran across something that was really amazing? We've played... Maybe not. I can't remember. No, it's never happened. You know what I mean? Like, oh, this is really funny. We would put it in regular rotation. That's what we would do. We've played songs all the way through before. Listen.

People are going to make these songs, just like people are going to murder other people. But when people murder other people... Owls are going to murder other owls. When people murder other people, other people must be there to judge these murderers. That's true. So when these people make their terrible songs, someone must stand up to be the judge. Is anyone... Well, speaking of owls and song parodies... Les? You can call me Owl?

I think the entire cast of Gahool should sing that as a promo video for their movie. At the very least, it should be over the end credits. It's not? Are you serious it's not? I walked out. Full disclosure. You know who sings that song? Weird Al Yankovic. Weird Al Yankovic. You got it? And then, if you want to go an extra step. I do. So I would imagine that there's a little bit of blood in that movie. Yeah. Al Gore.

That's a double. It's a double pun. Weirdo Yanker Owl. Hmm. That's not bad. I'll keep working. Keep working. Put it in the workshop. All right, that's how you play Jukebox Jury. Let's go to some real music. What do you say? Let's go to another song from Dylan Campbell. How's that sound? I suppose I was in the mood to hear more terrible music. No, no. Let's quickly abandon this and go to Dylan. ♪

I know that you're mine You're told all the time Though you're years behind I've had no Without you I'm wrong Listen close to a song

It can all come along if the lines get too long. This was a promise we had made to find love. We find the grave and you stare sometimes. Set a fire in my eyes. You left me blind by your absence of light.

Left me blocked by your absence of light Help me find a place Cast these shadows away Take it day by day In the end I will pay How I will pay This is the great escape Political rape Our mouths have been taped We can no longer wait

This was a promise we had made To find love, sweet love We find the grave and you stare sometimes Set the fire in my eyes Left me blind by your absence of light You lead me inside

Like a comatose bride You feed me inside Like a comatose bride And you stare sometimes There's a fire in my eyes You've left me blind By your absence of light You've left me blind

By your absence of lies

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All right. Well, we have one last and final – well, not our final segment, but – you're looking at me like this is going on forever. I'm sorry. No, no, no. It's okay. No, I didn't – I wasn't – this is the – you said it was the last segment. It's the last segment but not our final feature. Yes. Does that make sense? Sure. We have very – several popular features on this show and we have two in this segment. I keep forgetting that there's always – the most popular one is at the very end. Yeah.

But hurry up because Zachary is squirming like a toddler in church. I'm very hungry. I'm hungry. Yeah, but you're always hungry, one would imagine. He's pulling at his bow tie. What's to get at his coloring books? Oh, did I tell you what this is? Yes. Okay, so it's time to play a little game that we call Would You Rather. My heavens.

We're playing them all today. Three games. Trying to get our money's worth. La la la la. La la la la la la la la la la la la. I am a phantom. And a cat. On a train. Played by. On skates. Played by. Jeremy Piven. Jeremy Piven. Jeremy Piven. Jeremy Piven. Jeremy Piven. Jeremy Piven.

PIVS. Jeremy PIVS. PIVS. Jeremy PIVS. PIVS. PIVS. PIVS. PIVS. PIVS. PIVS. PIVS. PIVS. PIVS. PIVS. PIVS. PIVS. PIVS. PIVS. PIVS. PIVS. PIVS. Jeremy, Jeremy, Jeremy. You know what I would love? Okay, that's how you play, would you rather? No, no. He didn't play it. No, we played the game. We played the game. Next segment. When you hear a song like that, Dame Sir ALW, do you ever think about writing me some theme music?

In the Scott, I've thought about it many times. In a dream? Of course in a dream. That's when I do all my workings. One of these days, I shall have a theme song. I hope you, next time you walk through that door, I would like to see a demonstration CD. Consider it done? At the ready. Consider it done? I do consider it done. I will see you next year with that song. I'll see you in court.

next year with that song. Indeed. All right. So this is, we all know how we play this. This is Would You Rather. Zach, actually, you were here the very first time we ever played this game. I didn't remember this. It has... Memories all alert in the moonlight. That's one of mine. Um...

But for the uninitiated, basically people write to me on my Twitter account, at Scott Aukerman, but only when I ask for it, because otherwise it will not get read. And they send me Would You Rather scenarios, and we have some great ones here. Here we go. Kyle Crane. Kyle Crane. It sounds like you're snoring, Zach. It was. Right into the microphone. Okay, I just wanted to make sure.

Kyle Crane, at Kyle Crane, asks, would you rather have the ability to read fish's minds or always have ability to have your mind to be read by all fish? That's not worded right, but I think what he's trying to say is, would you rather have the ability to read fish's minds or have your mind constantly read by all fish? Okay, so the floor is open for questions. I have a question. Oh, yes. DameserALW.

Yes. In the which scenario? I'm about to tell you. Okay, I just want to stop you before you ask the question because we need to establish which scenario. Yes, yes.

I'm just about to establish the scenario. Okay, but before you go on, I just want to make sure that you determine which scenario it is you're asking about. I feel we're saying the same thing. I don't think so, because what I'm trying to get from you is which scenario... Yes, what I'm trying to tell you is the scenario. God damn it, why don't you ever listen to me? I want to know which scenario you... I'm so glad we've made the game longer. In the scenario, we're in...

The fish can read my mind. Do these fish understand human thought? Great question. There you go. Actually, that goes to the... Basically, humans don't think in words. They think in images. Fish can understand images, yes. But what they don't understand nor comprehend is the...

World above the sea. The human world, in other words. They don't understand these cities that rise up into the air as an effrontery to God.

So if I'm thinking of something private, say a sexy sort of thought, these fish will have no idea what I'm thinking. Well, they have seen humans because every once in a while a human dips their toe into the well of the undersea kingdom. And so they know what a human is, and if you're having sexy thoughts, they know basically how the parts fit into one or another. Scott, you've walked right into my trap. Uh-oh. What if I am, in this scenario, an objectum sexual?

Oh, haven't you heard of them? I guess not. These are people who are attracted to inanimate objects, not other people. Okay. There's a famous story of a woman who married a bridge and a man who was in love with the airwolf helicopter. This is all true. Okay. Now, if I'm having a private thought about being intimate with an automobile...

What will these fish make of it? Are you trying to say that this is... Are you trying to tell me? No, I'm not trying to say anything. Are you trying to... I'm merely conjecturing about such a fellow. And this fellow would definitely be into automobiles? Yes. Any sort of time period with these automobiles? Like old-timey ones with the jumper seat? Perhaps from the 1970s. The 70s, really? They made big cars back then.

They really knew how to make them. Station wagons or muscle cars? Oh, boy, oh, boy. Don't make me choose. Wait, make you choose or make this? Make him, him, the fellow. Okay. The made-up fellow we're talking about that I invented. I believe the fish would just be confused by that to answer your question. All right. That's a relief. All right. All right. I'm open to questions. So do we have another question?

I don't see how it could not be that you want to... Don't vote! That is a classic would-you-rather blunder. He almost voted. No, it's hypothetical. I'm... You have to ask a question. You can't say, I don't see. That's a statement, motherfucker. I don't see... Okay, let me see. Fair play, Drew. That's how the language works. Uh...

Seems simple to me, the answer. That's another statement. Ask a goddamn question or get... I'm done. Find the egress. I'm ready. Have you forgotten the question words? What? Why? When? Where? How? Who? How can one not see? How can one not see? What idiot would think? Do we have another question? When does one get to say their answer? Yes. In the scenario wherein I can read the minds of fish. Yes.

Do I understand their fishy thoughts? Very interesting. It is, isn't it? Just to think about it. Yes, you do. As a matter of fact, they think in English, so it's even easier. They don't understand English. King's English? They don't understand English, and yet they think in it. It is the King's English, yes. Not the Queen's. They're going back a ways. Oh!

Or forward into the future when Charles ascends to the throne. And then there's the good old Babe Ruth bot as well. He's around. I forgot about him. Slugging away there in the future. Trying to get those dinosaurs. Getting space syphilis. So, yes, you understand their thoughts perfectly, and their thoughts are frightening to you. Oh, fine.

Frightening in the way that is enjoyable, as in going to see a scary film? Oh, no. If you could read their minds, you would never step foot in the water ever again. May I ask you this? Yes, please. In that scenario, am I able to turn this mind reading on and off, or am I constantly bombarded by the frightening thoughts of fish? There is an on-off switch on your mind reading. However, that switch gets broken within the first hour of you gaining stability. First hour? Yeah.

What time of day does this happen? The first hour, it happens at five in the morning. You're awakened by the sound of fish. That's how my day starts. Yeah, you're awakened by the sound of fish being caught in fishermen's nets. Oh, so it's not the band. Oh, dear. It's not the band. No, no. Okay. Yeah, okay. This whole time. Oh, I didn't catch that. So you want to rethink that knowing how you're going to vote. Right. Because I was confused this whole conversation. You thought you were reading the thoughts of Trey Anastasio. Exactly. What's his name again? Trey Anastasio. Woo!

Every name, no matter how silly, just sounds great coming out of your mouth. Trey Anastasia! Any other questions before we vote? In the scenario wherein the fish can read my mind, do the fish know who I am? Do they have a sense of me as an individual, or are they just bombarded by these thoughts, all of these fish? May I answer that question with a question? Please, I wish you would. Who among us in this great wide world...

has not heard tell of the very famous Dame Sir Andrew Lloyd W. Well, that begs another question then. Well, I wasn't fishing, but I like what I caught. Let me ask you a question. But this begs a whole different question built on that question. Does it beg this question or does it raise a question? Whatever the expression is. Yes, Zach, from the floor. How one must think how well if Lloyd's

In Lloyd's world. I think you have some of those words mixed up. In Lloyd's world. I'm very dyslexic. Very. Okay. In Lloyd's world, you have to consider the fish getting along with the cats. That is true. That is true. I will consider that. You need a long time to think about it. What else have I got to do? I'm staring at a wall. Let me ask this. Yes.

All of these fish, are they hearing my thoughts at the same time? And do they communicate with each other about my thoughts? That is a great question. All these fish can not only read your mind. You're the only human, by the way, whose mind they can read. On planet Earth? Yes. I'm the last man on Earth? No. No, just the only one that they can actually read the minds of. You say no as if you know so much. I know the context of what she's talking. Well, I do beg your pardon.

They can read each other's minds. Right. And they know exactly when they want to attack. I've said too much. What? I've said too much. I feel this has gone beyond a game of would you rather. And you have some vital information you're holding back. I can only speak when asked questions of to me. All right. And I'm shutting the floor down for questions. We'll never know exactly what to what I was referring. And it's time to vote. So, Zach, you were very eager to vote. So how do you like to vote here?

I would say that I would like to be able to read the fish's minds. Really? And why is that? Because I feel like it's more of a defensive thing. If I wanted to go swimming or sharking, I could be able to figure out what the shark is thinking, where the shark is going. Oftentimes, I like to get on the back of porpoise and swim. Not technically a fish? Well... Mammal fish?

Oh, you didn't let me finish. I do apologize. We never got to it, but you can read the mind of anything that you think is a fish, if it's a fish or not. Right. So in that case... Yeah, porpoises, all good. And beavers. Beaver fish. Bloody moose. No, no, beavers smell like fish. I don't get that joke. I don't get it. I don't get it. I'll Google it later, but I don't get that joke. Let's Google it together. It's turned into a Red Fox Party album. How do you know? I'm so offended.

All right, so we have one vote for reading... I'm a knight of the realm! ...reading fish's minds. And Dame Sir ALW, how do you like to vote? Well, I do like the idea of these fish being assaulted by my sexy thoughts. Mm-hmm. It's almost like someone watching you while you make love to a carburetor. Indeed, as I make passionate love to a 1974 Dodge Dart. So, yes, I vote... Autoerotic? I vote...

I dare say. Now you're speaking my language. English. Is a Dodge Dart, a 1974 Dodge Dart, like a 2003 Angelina Jolie to you? Of course it is. You've pinpointed it exactly. Okay. Covered with tattoos.

Tattoos. Cartatoos. So yes, I want these fish to be thinking of my thoughts. Oh, phantasms. And just you like the idea. Phantasms? Did you say phantasms? No, no, no. No, the bowl with the little spike. Is it here? Everyone hide!

All right, so we have one for reading the fish's minds and one for the fish reading their minds. Can we turn up the heat? No problem. Let me tally the votes. Oh, Dame Sir, it looks like you won that round. My first time out. Yes. I didn't know that I played this game before. We have one last question. That was worth one point, and our last question is worth 100 points, so it's anyone's game. All right, so... Who's the judge? Who...

We tallied up the points. There's no judge. It's a point system, so it makes it fair. Fair, fair. It's like boxing, you know? I mean, it's like if one of the judges were just to decide this guy boxed better, it wouldn't be fair, but instead there's a point system. That's right. And also one fellow gets knocked to the ground. For 25 years, nothing has tasted better after a hard day's work than a Mike's Hard Lemonade. It's because since day one, Mike's has been making lemonade the hard way. We

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or have a nose that was able to lift off like a jet pack after every sneeze? Would you rather own a magical penny or have a nose that was able to lift off like a jet pack after every sneeze? All right, I'm opening the floor for questions. I have a question. All right, Dame Sir ALW. When I sneeze and this nose lifts off like a jet pack, it should be as a jet pack does. No.

Does my nose detach itself from my face? Yes. And fly up into the stratosphere? Basically, your nose detaches from your face, and you then straddle your nose, much like in Dr. Strangelove, how that cowboy straddled the bomb. And you sort of wave your cowboy hat around. A la Slim Pickens? Slim Pickens. That is exactly who I was thinking of.

Of whom I was thinking. It seems that it would be, and let me ask you if it is, is it rather difficult to straddle my own nose? No, actually your nose is perfectly contoured towards your knees. So the little indentations on the side, it's almost like riding a motorcycle. But now when I sneeze, does my nose go into position and then I'm able to straddle it and take off? Yes, basically you go achoo and then you hear...

And your nose, like, slides forward. And then you hear, lift off imminent in five, four, three, nose, one. And then you know by that.

This is every time I sneeze. Every single time you sneeze. Is it possible to sneeze in this scenario twice in a row? Oh, you don't want to do that. You don't want to do that. I don't want to. No, you don't want to do that. But I have no control over it. No, no, no. Dames are ALW. Please don't ask any questions about that. It's not up to me. No, please don't. This is unprecedented. No, please. You don't want to do that. Unprecedented in the world.

of Would You Rather? No, no, Dave's for ALW, please. Don't ask me any questions about sneezing twice in a row because that is far too dangerous. Just know you sneeze once. Once is all that is safe to do. Your nose detaches from your face. You hear that countdown that we all know so well. Liftoff imminent in five, four, three, nose, one. And then you've straddled it by then, hopefully, and you take off into the wild blue yonder. Follow-up question. Yes, sir.

ALW, I recognize you for the following. Ladies and gentlemen of the Would You Rather panel, may I ask, am I in control of when and how often I sneeze?

Well, you can... The quantity of sneezes, I guess I'm asking. You can pluck out your nostril hairs to try to sneeze. So if you ever see like a cat stuck in a tree, you sit there plucking out your nostril hairs and eventually it works and your nose detaches from your face. Then you hear that countdown that we all know. What is it again? Countdown imminent. Liftoff imminent. Five, four, three, nose one.

And then you grab onto the nose and you pluck that cat out. Yeah, you straddle it. And you grab that cat out of the tree on your way up. And then once you get down, you hand the cat over to its owners, presuming you know who they are.

Or you keep it. Whatever is your choice that day. One more follow-up and then a sidebar. Yes, sure. We have time for one more follow-up and one more sidebar. Do I, my follow-up, do I enjoy riding my own nose? Is it pleasurable? Is it fun? Is it exciting? It hurts at first to detach from your face, but then it is the most fun thing you will ever do in your life. All right, my sidebar. Mm-hmm.

Zachary doesn't seem to be asking many questions. Well, it's hard to get in here. I must say you're an expert at playing the game. So, Zach, do you have a question, though? I will recognize you. We haven't heard a lot about the other scenario, by the way, the magic penny. Not a word. Not a word. My question is, so if one has allergies and sneezes a lot, it could be a terrible thing.

Depending on how often you like to go riding around in the sky. Well, oftentimes the sneezes are inconvenient. And if a sneeze is inconvenient, I would imagine a trip to space, as you've done with Richard Branson. Indeed. So you've already done that. Yes. So you should consider that your answer as well. Yeah.

May I ask this? Oh, wow. Okay. We never got to a question from Zach. Zach raises an interesting... Just more of a rumination from him. I have one question. Is he going to keep asking questions? When the nose is detached and I'm riding it, is it still able to sneeze? Please. Please. Dame Sir ALW, I beg of you. Do not ask me any questions about further sneezing. It's really grotesque. We

We don't want to frighten young children who have been listening to this podcast. Oh, how shall I ever sleep again? Not for the ladies to listen to. It's not polite conversation. I would imagine ladies aren't listening to this to begin with. Would you be able to, with the magic penny, make a request? Thank you for using the British inflection. Sorry, I'm wearing off. I appreciate it. Here's how the magic penny works. You get one wish, as long as it's a wish for making your nose detach and riding around when you sneeze. That's my question. Yeah. So any other wish will not be recognized by the magic penny.

No other wish would be recognized. No, that is the only wish that we... Okay, then I have my answer if that's the case. Okay, great. Any last questions? One final question. Here we go. For wishing incorrectly, is there any penalty or punishment from the magical penny?

Yes, the magical penny as a punishment will make your nose detach from your face anytime you sneeze and then make you ride around on it. I think I know what I'm going to do. Okay, so let's vote here. Zach, how do you like to vote? I'm going to have to go with the nose scenario. And why is that? Because of what you said last. That the only wish that I would be granted from the magical penny would be that my nose become detached. Mm-hmm.

But you never have to wish that if you don't want to. I thought you said that was the only... Sure, that's the only wish that you can get, but... Are you saying that I don't have to wish it? No, you can just put that penny... So it's a question... All right. Spend that penny if you want. Let me retract. No, I'm sorry, but you already voted. No. No, it's unfair. I'm sorry. You misled. You misled. I misled no one, sir. This sounds like those... You're out of order. Santa Monica town meetings they have on KCRW. The Bell town meetings.

All right. Dame Sir ALW, how do you like to vote? Bear in mind that Zach, perhaps incorrectly, voted for the nose. Well, knowing myself as I do, if I had that magical penny, I'd probably inadvertently blurt out something like,

I wish my nose would detach from my face every time I sneeze and I could ride it like a jetpack into the stratosphere. After a countdown, of course. After the countdown that we're all familiar with. Yes. Blast off imminent. Five, four, three, nose, one. Yes.

So I'm going to choose that scenario. Okay, so you vote for the penny, and that, of course, is the correct answer. Because then I've got a penny. Yes, and that is the correct answer, which Zach did not hit upon. Unfortunately, he voted incorrectly. Zachariah. So, DamesirALW... I did vote for a penny. No, you voted for the nose. Oh, you're right. Unfortunately, which means you have lost the round, which means DamesirALW is our big winner. A perfect game. Does that mean the contestant must leave? He must find the egress. Oh, no.

No, but that is a perfect example of how you play Would You Rather. Perfect. Jeremy Piven. Jeremy Piven. Jeremy. Jeremy. Jeremy. Jeremy. Jeremy Piven. Jeremy Piven. I wonder if people sang that to him when he was... That sounded like Pearl Jam. That is, of course, how you play Would You Rather. A stirring round, gentlemen. Thank you so much. That was fantastic. It was.

Well, we only have time for our greatest and most final of all features on the show. Oh, finally. I've been thinking about it all program. The one that everyone... Zach, don't look so defeated. It's the quickest, as a matter of fact. Oh, it is? Okay, very good. You don't have to do anything. It's the feature that everyone loves the most. They can't wait to get to it. Much like you, gentlemen. It is, of course, time for plugs. It's time to wake up. It's time to wake up.

That is, of course, a plug theme sent to us by the Orna Theologian. That was pretty good. I enjoyed that.

It's a clever name. Yes, a person who worships birds. Yes, I suppose so. Believes in the divinity of birds. Yeah, I wonder how the legend of Gahool. Gahool! Yes, I'm sorry, I mispronounced it. How they would feel about that. Well, we'll never know. Well, they're going to owl hell because the murderers. And the suicide. Do you think if you get owl murdered, you go to hell, really? You go straight to heaven.

If an owl murders you? Then you go to owl heaven. Unfortunately, it's owl heaven, yes. But if you commit owl suicide, you go to owl hell? No, I think you go to purgatory. Oh, okay. You ever seen the documentary The Staircase? Yes. Well, that's the new defense, is an owl attack. Really? An owl pushed two of my wives down the stairs to their deaths. I don't know of the one in Germany, but the one in Durham, North Carolina, yes.

All right. Don't know what you're talking about. You don't? You've never seen it? Nope, never seen it. Floyd, you've seen it. Lloyd. Andrew Floyd. Flebber. Flebber. Finally, someone pronounces it correctly. You've seen that documentary, right? Yes, I have. It's true, though. Our attack is the new defense, or they're trying to make that the defense. Do you feel that fellow would have been acquitted if he listened to his lawyers and trimmed his eyebrows? They begged him to do it, and he wouldn't do it. Right.

No idea what you're talking about. I think most of the listeners will know. Yeah, probably everyone. Okay, so this is, of course, time for plugs. So we want to get these out of the way. Zach, what do you have to plug? Obviously, you have due date coming out. Any day note? November 4? November 5. 5. Yep.

That's what I have. And how about the... It's kind of a funny story. That comes out. Or that's already out. That's already out. And did people enjoy that? I think so. I think it was... It's still number one in the box office. Oh, great. I had no idea. Toppled Iron Man 2?

You mean number one for the entire year, right? Yeah. Like as we speak now, it's still number one. Fantastic. And you're filming a movie that'll come out. You got one in the can maybe and then another one coming out? Well, yeah. Filming it as we speak in Thailand. That's right. And the news broke so we can talk about that. Just flew in for this. Yes. Thank you so much for coming in. And Bored to Death is still on. Is it? I understand that show is hammocking.

I don't know if I was saying that about – oh, yeah, I was. Yes. That's what I'm saying. Right. I read the trades every day. Have you heard that? Oh, I read the trades every day. And then Between Two Ferns just came out with Bruce Will Hiss, right? Yeah. And well-received probably. We don't know. We'll see. We'll see. I got to look at the results. Yeah, I got to check. Do they report that in the trades? Yes. They talk a lot about web shorts. Web shorts. How about web longs? Yeah.

ALW. You know, Scott. ALW root beer. I'd like to. I've never heard that before. That's kind of cute, isn't it? That's too clever. I would, if I may, like to cede my plug time to a comedian of which I'm a great fan and admirer. I love your taste in comedy. You mentioned him earlier, the comedian Paul F. Tompkins. One of the best. He's one of the best.

He's got two shows coming up in the month of November. Yes. November 13th in Vancouver, British Columbia. Thank goodness. Not regular Columbia. In the country of Canada. Yeah.

He can be seen at the Rio Theater. Tickets have just gone on sale, so please do buy a ticket if you're a Vancouverian. Go see. Or even perhaps if you live in Seattle, you could make the drive up there. That's true. It's a wonderful drive. Take a trip to another country, another land. You'll be back in time for supper, if you eat a late supper. Yes, if you eat roughly at midnight. Are you some sort of monster? Yeah.

Floyd, is that part of the comedy festival? No, it is not. The comedy festival is long over. Right. It's in September, right? Yeah. Yes. It's already occurred. Yes. It's quite some time ago. The Rio Theater. What's that? The Rio Theater. I'm just making sure that... Oh, yeah. Is that the movie theater up there? Thank you, Zachariah Ray. Is that the movie theater? It is a movie theater. That Watermelon runs? She did. She did. But she doesn't anymore? All right. This one's run by a person.

And what is your second date? Well, Paul F. Tompkins' second date. Yes, that's right. The Paul F. Tompkins Show at Largo of the Coronet in West Hollywood. Special musical guest Ben Lee. Oh, I love him. He's from Australia, so he is the descendant of thieves and rapists. Ha!

Saw him at the old Largo. He was fantastic. Yes, indeed. He's a fine fellow. Fine fellow. I'd love to get him on this program. Who else will be on that show? It is not confirmed yet, to my knowledge. There's something in the works, but it has not yet been confirmed. And he also has the Pod F Tompkast, which is sweeping the nation. Yes, well, you're kind to mention it on his behalf. The Pod F Tompkast is downloadable for free, don't you know? Which is nice at twice the price.

Which would still be free. If it was double free. Well, that is great. And what do I want to plug? I have... Oh, what am I plugging? I know I have something. For Christ's sake, what am I doing? Oh, yeah. No, we have some stuff coming up. I don't want to talk about it yet. But some very exciting... Oh, I'm sorry.

Some very exciting... I'll be talking about it in the next couple of weeks. In November, it's some big, exciting stuff coming out. So we'll talk about that. Bit of a cliffhanging! Yes, of course. Well, I want to thank my guests here. You say that in quotes. My guests. Yes.

Zach Galifianakis, thank you so much for dropping by and spending the time with us. I really appreciate it. You're a busy guy. Yes. And, you know, it means a lot that you're here. Thank you so much. No, I appreciate you having me. Thank you. And Dame Sir ALW, one cannot express the graciousness that I feel in my heart towards another human being such as yourself. One shouldn't try. One feels like he must. One must let his heart do the talking. Yeah.

Can you hear my heart? Of course I can. It's like those belly fish. Then nothing more needs to be said. Nothing more must escape your lips.

All right. Well, I want to thank you guys. You're most welcome. He's not really ready to go, I don't think. Well, I want to talk to Dylan. Oh, you're going to talk to Dylan. Yeah, we've got to talk to Dylan and say goodbye to him. Well, then may I recuse myself? I want to hear one more song out of him, out of this guy. All right, Dylan. Yes, ask him if he will play another song. I will ask him.

And you'll sit there and like it. Of course I will. What else would I do? I take back what my heart said. Oh, no, please. Don't go back on your heart's promise to my ears.

All right. When you put it that way, it's just so beautiful and florid. I do wish you would talk to Dylan and ask him to play another song. I will. So we can all get out of here. All right. Here we go. Ready? Here we go. Are you sure? I'm ready. I've never been more ready for anything. Can you give me a countdown? Yes. The countdown we're all familiar with. Countdown imminent. Five, four, three, nose, one. ♪

I know that it's hard to grasp, it's hard to understand. I am way too far removed to ever be your man. And I don't know where we're going, don't know where we stand. I am falling from my perch and I need your outstretched hand. I'm sliding downward, downward.

I'm sliding downward, downward I know that it's hard to grasp, it's hard to comprehend Cause I don't have the length of time to be like other men Cause they don't know where they're going, don't know where they stand They are falling from their perches and they need some outstretched hands

They're sliding downward, downward They're sliding downward, downward You always think you're right Think you know it's right

I know that it's hard to grasp, it's hard to wrap around your mind. The second that you turn your back, you've run out of time. Cause you don't know where you are going, you don't know where you stand. You are falling from your perch and you need my outstretched hand. You're sliding downwards.

Downward you're sliding, downward, downward You always think you're right Think you're right Why don't you sleep on it tonight?

I won't get any sleep tonight. I won't get any sleep tonight.

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