Jessica St. Clair, Devin Field, Rekha Shankar 01:17:11

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If you can't beat them, Arbor-read them. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Thank you to Park Ranger, Park Ranger for that catchphrase submission. And welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. June is busting out all over, all over the meadows and the hills. And of course, this episode is no exception. Welcome to Dads and Grads Month. And it is Comedy Bang Bang. We have some important announcements before we get to our guests. I do have to say, coming up this hour, we're going to have a one-on-one conversation with an accountant.

Anyway, I do have some announcements. Starting this week, this is exciting. Starting this week on Thursdays, starting this very week, we are going to be releasing what we call bonus bangs. Bonus bangs on Thursday. That's essentially, what are these? It sounds intriguing, doesn't it? Please stop talking about your penis, please. Marissa, come on, man. Boner bangs? Bonus! Not interested!

Bonus, but I'm turning you down right now. I knew this is what would happen when you get me in your pool house. You're going to start talking about your boner within 30 seconds. Marissa, you haven't been here for years on the show. You can't start interrupting on mic immediately. Oh, I can do whatever the fuck, bitch. I don't like to hear that kind of language from a girl of indeterminate age. All right, you were saying? Snooze. Okay, bonus bangs. What are these bonus bangs? They sound very intriguing. They're old episodes.

But what we're... Just like your dog, baby. Is an old episode. That's what she said. All right, Marissa, please just try to... You said it. Are you referring to yourself in the third person? Yes. Okay. You are a third person in my mind. Bonus bangs are... They're going to be archived episodes that we're going to be re-releasing in themes...

Uh, the first theme that we're going to be starting with on this Thursday is The Essential, Andrew Lloyd Webber. We're going to be releasing several of his earlier episodes. Uh, and we're going to do these in themes. We're going to do, uh, character themes. We're going to do, uh, guest themes. It's very exciting. Uh, for a lot of- How about the theme, Hot Titties? And then you release all of mine. Uh, you're, I mean, if you mean- How about Hairy Nipple theme? Mine. Mine.

Your titties look like over easy eggs with hairs bursting out of them. Thank you. And the only reason I've seen them is because you keep flashing me every time you come in here. That's a Drew Barrymore move from David Letterman. Yeah. Deep cut. Yeah. How about deep cuts with Marissa Wappler? How about that as a bonus? You sound like you have a cold and it sounds like bonus bank.

Which, you know, I mean, with all these BMOs popping up, it feels like there's bonus banks, doesn't it? Bonus bank banks, baby! Just kidding. Okay, stop. Marissa, stop. In any case, we're going to be releasing these every Thursday. For those of you who don't have access to CBB World where all the episodes are, this is a fun little treat for you and you can listen to them. These are bonus banks. This is exciting. We also have the CBB Tour is coming up starting next week. We're going to be starting on June 12th in Boston, going to...

the first leg of our tour, Boston, New York, Philly, D.C., other places. What a great promo. So join us out there. Plus, we have exciting new dates for the tour I'm going to be announcing next week. So those are all the announcements that we have. Those are not plugs. These are announcements. These are top of show announcements. Sure. You tell yourself whatever you need to, Fred. Whatever gets me through the night.

So we have a one-on-one with an accountant this episode, which, you know, stars are back technically, but we couldn't get any this week. But, you know, like here's how it usually goes. It goes movie stars. We love to get them. We have Mr. Bongos from Oppenheimer on the show once. That was incredible. So movie stars are great.

Then we have TV stars. Love to have them. Right. You have Hannah Einbinder from Hacks. Come on in. We love it. Standing invite. Underneath there, comedians with specials.

Sure. Oh, yes. I thought you meant special comedians. No, not special comedians. Just comedians who have a special coming out. That's fine. We'll take them. Sure. We'll take them. Then under that, you have, and we had plenty of these during the strike, authors. Oh, nothing worse than a writer. Nothing worse. Hopefully they're a comedian who has a book out or something, but... Leave your New Balance at the door. We're not interested in your baggy pants.

And then underneath that, podcast hosts. Oh, even worse. It's terrible. There's a reason it's on podcasts that we're not seeing you live. And then I guess under that, when you can't get any of those accountants.

Sure. So we have an accountant coming up on this show. Great. Can't wait. One-on-one episode. But I feel like I do need to introduce this person who's interrupting all the time. She's been my intern on the show for 15 years. Still am. Yeah.

I'm still on the books. I'm still getting paid. You know that, right? You're getting paid in credit? Course credit? Yes. Oh, okay. Yes. For a university I don't go to. But when I do, when I decide to go to Oxford, to jolly old England, I can tell you what, I'm going to be using these credits. Yeah. You've been an intern ever since our first year and you've shown up maybe once a year. Handful of times. Handful of times. Handful. Handful.

I don't remember signing any of the forms. Have you been slipping me, like, forms with invisible ink or something? Have you been slipping me anything? That's what she said. Okay, Marissa, you were a teenage girl when you started. How old are you now? I know, and how inappropriate was that? You're lucky you didn't get canceled for some of the things that you said. If you go back into the archives, no wonder you don't replay our episodes. We will not be doing the essential Marissa Wombley, if that's a question. Yeah, we certainly won't, because that is...

That will be bring the police to your door, my friend. You were a teenage girl when you started as an intern on this show. Now, how old are you? Who knows? At this point. What is age, really? What is time? What is time? You know, how old is Helen Mirren? We don't know. She looks banging in a bikini. Does she? Where are you seeing her in a bikini? Google Helen Mirren bikini right now. Right now? And see if your mechanical pencil doesn't come to... Okay, the first thing that comes up on the prompt is movies. Okay.

Next is movies and TV shows. I am shocked. Next is age. Oh, next is Barbie. Helen Mirren Bikini. Then we have Excalibur. Then Hairstyles. Then Golda. Then Oscar. Then Youngth?

Yes, Helen Beard gets because of how bang and she looks in a bikini. I'm going to type in B and see what comes up. B, bio, Barbie, born, blood in, blood out. What is that? What? Bob, blue hair, Barbie quotes, birthday. Okay, now I'm going to go B-I. I would imagine it would be bio then birthday. I'm dead already. Bio, birthday, biography, birthday, birth name, birth chart, big mouth, Bill Cosby. You are going to want this. Bill Cosby? Bill Cosby?

Oh, no. Talk about canceled. Okay, now I'm going to go B-I-K and this will probably come up. No, nothing. B-I-K. Am I the only person who obsessively Googles? I do two things before I go to sleep at night. I Google Travis and Taylor because I'm obsessed. Who are each of those people? What?

Taylor Swift and Travis Kelsey, the greatest love affair that was ever told. Are you Googling them separately or? Sometimes just to see if I can get extra hits. But yeah, I like to study them from different angles. Sometimes I go on to TikTok. Then I go on to, you know, Instagram, see people, you know, and I try to track them. What are you looking for? Yeah. I'm looking for. You're looking for their assassination coordinates? No, they.

They are the ultimate love story. And, you know, why? What makes them such a good love story? Like she was with some dude for eight years. Why don't you get married? How about me and gutter balls having such a tragic relationship? And then she finds the love of her life. OK, why do you think this is the love? She's been with this guy for two months. This is it.

This is it for her. You think this is it? Why? Yes, because he takes care of her. He takes care of her. What I want is a big old luck of a man that can throw me around. Why do you think he takes care of her? Because he's got giant arms? Yes! Yes!

Yes. I'm done with the mechanical pencil. This is why I came on this show. Okay? I have auditioned to be on The Bachelorette over and over and over again. Okay? And they keep saying, we're not making another season. But then there they go, making another season. Yeah, I think they're lying to you. I even tried to get on The Golden Bachelor. I don't think you're old enough if you don't know how old you are. That's right. That's why I thought maybe I...

I'd love for an older gentleman to squire me around the square. That's the thing about the Golden Bastler is like, I think it would be funny if the Golden Bastler was like 75 or whatever he is. And he dated 20 year old. Yes. Let's see that. Let's see that. Then they would stick together. Exactly. Let's see that. That's who wants to date a 75 year old man. Yeah, exactly. And then he dies in five years and it's a happy ending. That's the only person stupid enough to date someone that old, you know? Yeah.

So, yeah. So I want to put it out there that I'm looking for love in all the wrong places. Obviously not in this studio. You seem like one of the people who'd be good on like Bachelor in Paradise who shows up and has never been on the Bachelor franchise. And everyone goes like, who the hell is this? Exactly. And then you just have that personality and everyone's like, this is too much. Yeah. Or like one of those. What I want to get on is one of those shows where like they have a night cam. So if you hook up with someone, everybody sees it.

You just want the footage of you having sex in a night cam. That's right. You don't know what's going on under those covers. That's what I want. So,

Any reality producers listening? You just filmed that yourself. Ew! Why don't you stop? Are there cameras in here? No. Is there night cameras in here? Is that why it's so dark in here? You lived here for a while. You know this whole anatomy of my house. I do know this stuff. You were living in the attic? It still smells like cats in here, by the way. Sorry about that. Yeah, I don't own cats. We had a thousand cats in here. Suddenly it started smelling like cats in here. I'm like, we don't own cats. What is happening? They're going to come back. They...

You were there bad Ronalding in the walls. We really were. And they know where home is. So if you're going to see a bunch of stray cats come in here, if any of them have berets. If Brian Setzer shows up, I'll know what's happening. Look, I've looked up Helen Mirren in a bikini and several things come up and only one I want to click on, which is her young. Okay. You're 80s.

You're ageist bullshit. This is the patriarchy. I'm here to smash it. She looks fine sometimes, but then she looks like, honestly, she looks like the queen from behind. You know what? What? You look like the queen from behind. She looks like the queen now. You literally, the dead queen from behind. That's what you look like, okay? That's what I look like? You have to.

Your skin has the pallor of a dead royal. That's what you have. I put on sunscreen. Thank you very much. I appreciate that. I don't. I like to get a burn. You are continually red. Always peeling. You're never tan. You're always red and peeling. A, B, P. Always be peeling.

That's why you don't know how old I am. Because that's actually, people pay for these peels. They go to these dermatologists. Those are like chemical peels. Exactly. All you got to do is burn the shit out of your face and peel it off. I worry that you're going to have skin cancer at whatever age you are, which I think has to be in your 30s at this point. YOLO, baby!

YOLO. What does that stand for you? That's a type of yogurt that I love. I don't just eat it, though. Is that the kind that Jamie Lee Curtis was talking about that makes you shit all the time? That's exactly right. Weird to think about Jamie Lee Curtis shitting. It is. She's an Oscar winner. You know what? Search your Google search. I bet you'd find that. Jamie Lee Curtis shitting. One girl, no cups. Oh, God.

Oh, God, I'm already hot and bothered. Marissa, what's going on with you? I haven't seen you in years. I know. I know. You used to have your own podcast, Womp It Up. Yeah, I got I got that. And by the way, thanks for stealing the rights to it. I'm actually here, too, on a legal mission. I bought you out. You bought me out. Somehow I start getting my DM start blowing up. Right. And I'm thinking, oh, good. Gutterballs is back. He's you know, he wants me back.

Where is he, by the way? I've never listened to any of your episodes. I don't know. Last time I saw, he was working at a Baja Fresh. Oh, okay. Are those still around? I used to go to one all the time. So did I. I was, for a time, I was living only on their shrimp tacos. I think I misread their caloric menu once, and I thought the pizza was good for you. Yeah.

First of all, you're going to arrest me. It's not bad. This is like a thin, crispy thing. I guess it must not have a lot of carbs. And then one day I read the actual menu again and went, well, I've been eating this way too much. Yeah, you look like Fat Albert. Yeah, that's how you knew. Helen Mirren, Bill Cosby. Fat Albert. Oh, God. Here we are again. But yeah, so basically, you stole my shit. Here's the problem. You made it public. You made Womp It Up an IPO somehow. I don't know why. What?

I rang the bell, too. I don't know how I got to the securities in exchange. I'm on Wall Street ringing that bell. You took the place of the little girl stopping the bull at one point. Yeah, I did. I was on cocaine for like 10 days in New York City with Lissler.

who, by the way, has gone underground. I know everybody's going to be wondering why isn't she here with me. She had to go underground, she said, for a special mission and involves the government. I think it's because election is coming up. Honestly, I don't know. Where was she on January 6th? You don't want to know. You don't want to know. So stop asking that question. No, you don't. Okay. Okay?

She will tell you when she... Did she get into the secret tunnels? You know, they have the subway underneath there? Of course she's under there. The subway sandwich shop? Yes. All the senators have a secret subway sandwich shop that gives you extra tuna. That's right. No joke. A friend of mine used to get a bikini wax underneath the Time and Life building, and she got her labia seared. Yeah.

That is for real. A friend of mine. Quote, unquote. Okay. Okay? You're quoting yourself when you say a friend of mine? Don't ever get a Bikini Wax underground. That's a PSA. This is an above ground activity. This is an above, absolutely. As highest altitude possible. Exactly. Go out there to the Rockies if need be. If need be. So anyway, so Lissler's gone underground. That gives me some time on my hands. So I've been very active on social media. So my DMs are blowing up. Wet social media.

I haven't seen you. You haven't seen me? No, where are you? I've been so active. Which platforms, I guess? I'm on MySpace. Oh, this is not good. Yeah, I'm on MySpace. Yeah, is Tom still around there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's on there. I wondered why you were looking over your shoulder the entire time at me. Yeah, yeah. You're just in the MySpace pose right now. Yeah, that's it. Okay, turn around. Yeah!

Hashtag turn around. Hashtag turn around, of course, which is what Lissler. Seth is doing absolutely wonderfully. I barely remember these people. Seth is my stepfather. Yeah, right. He's doing wonderfully. It's been so long. I don't know who you're talking about. Diane, my mother, we are estranged. I am currently writing a memoir about

about it called Life with This Fucking Bitch. That's a working title. What if it was something like Life and Beth? Yeah, that's a good one. Where it's no longer a play on life and death, it's now a play on life and Beth. That's really great. That's a deep cut. Okay.

And why does life, why does Beth always look so sad in all of those promos? She's always sitting on a couch looking sleepy. It's like, hey, you're going to sleep when you're dead. Like, get a little pep in your step. If I'm going to see you on TV, I want to see some life in you. But so, yeah, so I. Does anyone know what show we're talking about? I've never watched it.

You've seen one picture of it. She looks sad. All I do is watch Bridgerton over and over and over and over again, but mostly just the sex scenes. Oh, really? So you have a Bridgerton sex scene cut? Yeah, that I made on CapCut. This is like being euphoria. I've made on CapCut. What's Cap? What's Cap? CapCut is an app that you can cut up your social media. Is that like Cash Cab? Yeah.

Oh, God. I forgot all your wordplay. It's all coming back to me now. Honestly. I told you like this when I fucked you like that. Oh, my God.

Marissa, what happened with your show? Womp it up. Because I own it now. You own it. I don't know. You tell me. I bought 51% of it. You tell me. No, we're... Listen, we're going to come back. We're going to come back as soon as Lissa resurfaces. If she's still alive. Even if she's turned animatronic. We're still going to come back. We're going to come back better than ever. I'll, of course, be announcing it on MySpace.

But why I'm here today, too, is on another legal mission, which is I heard...

These two bitches, Jessica St. Clair and Casey Wilson, stole my idea for an audio book called The Art of Small Talk. Wait, you just had an idea to make books audio? Yes. People have been doing that forever. Well, I was going to do it. So the whole thing was you don't get the real book. You just get me talking about a book. Not as a recording? No. You go to people's houses? Yeah.

Exactly. Me, me screaming into your face. This is reading other books. This is not in prejudice. Yeah, this is not relaxing. People usually read books to go to sleep before bed. Those are their primary purposes. Exactly. But this was going to be a new thing that I did. And I heard these bitches did it.

And so I don't know. I heard one of them lives nearby here. So I thought maybe I'll start. Yeah, we don't like to give our own assassination coordinates. Yeah. So I thought maybe I would. And also just put a blast out because I know these girls consider themselves, quote unquote, comedians. OK, although I've never heard either of them say anything funny.

You're putting them on notice? I'm putting them on blast. I'm saying, I know you stole my idea, okay? I know it's available on Audible and anywhere else you can find your audiobooks. And I know that you teach people the seven simple rules to how to small talk. And you tell them about all the mental and physical benefits, okay? I know you've got celebrities on it like Amy Poehler and Tony Hale and Colin Quinn.

Okay? Your phone didn't blow up because I don't... This is, if anything, this is the anti-art of small talk. Everything he does, puns, interrupting, talking about his dong too soon and too often. I think the biggest problem is I'm not a celebrity. Yeah, that's a very big problem. I think they would have called me if that would have bumped up even one sale. No, no, they would not have. I can tell you that much. In fact, I had...

on good information that people kept putting your name on the list, so they kept deleting it. Really? My publicist was, I mean, very thorough about this. Yes. And then these two just kept deleting my name? Killing it, killing it. And I know they're friends of your wife, too, so I thought that was very rude. But at any rate, so yes, so that's why I'm here to put everyone on blast. Wampler, you're in my book.

I'm in your book? Yeah. The Comedy Bang Bang book, aren't you? The fuck? Yeah, I'm in your book. I haven't seen a fucking check. Yes, you have. No, I have not. I think I sent it to someone else. I may have sent it to Jessica St. Clair. All I got was a bunch of DiGiorno gift certificates. That's how I paid everyone. I'm fucking swimming in that shit.

Okay? I'm swimming in it. I don't need more DiGiorno's. Okay? What's the recent trend where you go do someone's show and they pay you and give certificates to like Olive Garden? I know. I don't need. By the way, but those endless bread baskets might be worth it. I hope there's something like that. I'm lousy with these things. I know. I know. Just pay me good old-fashioned cash. That's right. At least some euros. I'll go down to the airport. Send exchange.

So this is a book that's out that you are upset about. What is it called again? It's called The Art of Small Talk. And guess what? I don't need your tips and your tricks, bitch. I need that royalty money. You need it more than anyone. You're terrible at this. Are you kidding me? You're big talk. I fucking am.

Your podcast got put on the map when I started squawking around here, okay? I remember recording in that gross-ass studio with a bunch of fur on the walls, okay? It wasn't fur. It was soundproofing. Okay, whatever it was was disgusting. And suddenly now you're in this beautiful pool house. Thank you. You're welcome. I think the words you're looking for are, you're welcome. Okay, yeah.

Look, I enjoy having you on the show, but you're too unreliable. You don't show up for years and years. You can't pin me down, baby. Tie me up. Tie me down. Pedro, I'll move it hard to reference.

How old are you? Are you almost 50? You know what? Your obsession with how old women are is, quite frankly, another symptom of the patriarchy, okay? This is good small talk, isn't it? You want to see me in a bikini? There! Oh, please, put those away! Put them away! Woo!

This is how we do it. That's not a bikini. Flop, flop, flop, flop, flop. This is how we do it. That was my boobs hitting the table there. Yeah. If you heard that. Thank you. Oh, my God. All right, Marissa. Well, it's wonderful to have you. Look, I'm going to have a one-on-one discussion with an accountant. Can he maybe file a lawsuit against those girls? Guess what? She. Oh.

See, that's what happens when I spend time with you. It feels like the 1950s again. You're getting this through osmosis? No, this is all you, baby. You don't think an accountant can be a woman. Honestly, I think women aren't very good at math. Honestly, they get numbers mixed up. They do get numbers mixed up because they're so pretty. Yeah. That's why I wasn't good at math. You know, the only number that's important to a woman is 10.

And maybe 69. And 420. All right, let's get this accountant on. Maybe she can find... All right, well, we need to take a break. All right. Why? You're tired? Because you're so old you need to take a nap? Chug, chug, chug, nap!

Look, I need to take a break because we have advertisements. You want me to give you a bottle for your night night? No, I don't need a bottle for my night night. We need to take a break because we have some important messages coming to the people. But when we come back, very special show, one-on-one with an accountant. This is a very special episode of Comedy Bang Bang. We'll be right back with hopefully no more of Marissa Wampler, but a one-on-one with an accountant. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Swap it up!

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21 years or older. Terms and conditions apply. Comedy Bang Bang, we're back here. Very special episode we have. Did I mention my name's Scott Aukerman? I don't think I did at the top of the show, in case you're very confused.

My name is Scott Aukerman. I'm the host of this show. We're in our 16th year at this point. Jesus. So how old does that make me? Well, this podcast was just 16, if you know what I mean. Again, this is where you're going to get canceled over and over and over again. Is it weird to talk about a podcast being 16 years old? Yes, especially if you get so gross about it. All right. Well, this is a very special episode because we are going to be talking to an accountant.

- Can't wait. - And that's the only guest, unfortunately. - Hello, hello everyone. Hi, Scott, I'm back. - Excuse me. - Who's this? - This is my gardener. - Is this a Hollywood agent?

I don't think so. Have you come to discover me? Excuse me, sir, we're in the middle of a show. I have a one-on-one with an accountant coming up. I may be dressed as your gardener, but that is not my true identity. You're holding a leaf blower. They set that leaf blower. It's I, Ron Snapper, remember?

The host of Podcast Rescue. How are you, Scott? How are you, Marissa? Hello. Good. Wonderful. Rod Snapper. Refresh my memory. Rod Snapper, host of Podcast Rescue. It's a television show in which I take fledgling or failing, in your case, podcasts, and I turn them around. I give them my signature tough love. Shouldn't this be a podcast, not a television show? No.

That's where you're wrong, Fred. They need to see my bowl in a china shop energy on the screen, okay? It's not enough to have it contained to audio. What's weird, Ron, is that you're just filming yourself with a selfie stick. That's right. I've got a selfie stick. I have an old flip cam. Remember those? I have that clumsily attached to a selfie stick. I'll be filming the majority of this. Why not attach it in a real way rather than clumsily? Because I can't afford a new selfie stick. I can't imagine both of you on the same show, and yet here it is happening. And yet here

We are. The people are loving it. The discord is lighting up already. Scott, they love it. Rod Zapper, let me ask you a question. Please. Okay. Why are you coming today when I'm on the show? If anything, I'm the podcast rescue. No, look, of course. Look, this is not one of my signature ambushes. Okay. It does feel like an ambush. But this is a follow-up ambush. Oh, okay. Oh, to check the pulse. That's right. Because you were on the show before? Yeah.

Yes. Nobody remembered. I was on the show in January 2022. Wow. So this is post-COVID, I guess?

I guess post-COVID-ish. Well, I mean, from my point of view, everything is pre-COVID because COVID never happened. I don't want to get into my politics, but that's a taste of them. That's a taste. That's just a little taste. Okay, now I wet your beast. Some of the things I believe. Nothing in your politics. You can check out my sub stack for more. But yeah, so I came on back then and I rescued your podcast.

And since then, the podcast has completely turned around. It's become a huge success. And I just wanted to come in and do a follow-up to see how my changes have been implemented and how they've affected. So I went back. I actually went back to check my previous appearance to see how far we'd come. And do you know what I learned? Okay. What'd you learn? My previous appearance is not available in the archives.

Well, you've got to get a subscription to CBD World. I'm a Maximus subscriber. Well, it's in there. Well, I couldn't find it in the RSS feed. Oh, no. You scroll down. Is there anything sadder than a man scrolling through the RSS feed searching his own name? It's almost as sad.

sad as you googling Helen Mirren bikini Helen Mirren bikini Helen Mirren bikini young and see what no it's not young no you want to be googling Helen Mirren Caligula topless thank you Rob thank you well it's just a simple google it's my home page it's a live it's a screen saver those search results hello

Some other things popped up that I don't think are Helen Mirren. Hey, well, with what they're doing with AI these days, who knows what you're looking at. Who knows what's going on. Ron Snapper, you were on the show before? I was on the show before several years ago, and since then, things have completely turned around. Back then, you were losing $72,000 a minute hosting this podcast. Oh, God, that's a lot. That's too much. That's a heavy bleed. It's a heavy bleed. That's what she said. It's...

With some of the length of some of those episodes, that's what she said. Right. That was a lot of money. Yes, a lot of money. But you know what? We've turned it all around. We have. You've reduced your overhead greatly because you've finally gotten out of one of those nice studios that people can comfortably park at. Yeah, now we're just in a fucking small, smelly, cat-infested pool.

pool house. The cats are still here. You've left. The cats are still here. They're in the walls. If you can't hear them scratching in there. My house seems to be saying meow. Yeah, it is. Yes, but luckily the mics aren't picking it up. And so if mics work in a space like this, they work. That's all you need. We have a special filter that gets out all the cats. Beautiful. See, look at this, Scott. You're taking the initiative. You're buying special filters to strain out the cats in your walls. Look at the amount of the type of guests.

that you've had on the show. Thank you. Thank you, Rod. Well, sure, legacy, you know, returning legacy guests like Marissa Wobbler, very powerful. Speaking of which, this is like when Trista and Ryan come on the Basset, although they're having problems.

Why have you watched every episode of that show? What is wrong with you? I don't even know who Trista is. She was the first success story. Oh my God. The first bachelorette. She married Ryan. And now they're separated. This makes all the sense in the world.

They hung on longer than the Golden Bachelors. Three months they made it. I'd like to rescue their marriage. You should. That could be your next show. One of them might be dead by now. Till death do we part. Why are you guys such ageists? Honestly. Because no one wants to see anyone over 45. Hey, did you know they did a study and apparently men over 35 dancing makes younger women feel sick? Yeah.

literally makes them feel sick. This isn't a bit. They did a scientific study. I can confirm this in my years of rescuing. I rescued a few dance podcasts, which is not a successful format to begin with. It leaves a lot to the. And let me tell you, when the hosts were, I mean, even Savion Glover, remember?

Bring it to noise! Bring it to funk! We loved him until age 35. Yeah, as soon as he... Now we abort. Disgusting. Little girls vomiting seeing him tap dance near Big Bird. Yep. It's horrible. By the way, just near. Just nearby. You don't want to next to Big Bird. Nearby. He couldn't get too involved. Big Bird adjacent. That's right. So we took your suggestions, you're saying? You took my suggestions. Look, you took a lot of shrewd business decisions. Because what's weird is we...

We're having a one-on-one with an accountant this episode. It seems like we're doing poorly. I beg to differ. You haven't heard what this accountant has to offer. We've got Marissa Wampler here. You own 51% of her podcast, which is a real undercutting. You're not making any money. If anything, you're losing it because you have to

keep paying for the subscription fee to keep us on it. But you've had guests like Mr. Bongos himself. Yeah, Jack Quaid. Jack Quaid from a Best Picture winning film, Oppenheimer. That's right. It doesn't get it. All he does is play the bongos in the background for some of the scenes. Yes. But he was on.

Yes. Great. And it's that attention to detail that makes Christopher Nolan truly one of the people I see walking around in this neighborhood. I don't think it was Nolan's attention. Yeah, you do see him walking around with his dogs. I don't think it's his attention to detail. I think Jack saw one picture of him holding bongos and decided he would hold them in every scene. And that's a strong choice, and we applaud that. And you make strong choices, and that's why this show has become so successful. So I want to say you're welcome.

I didn't thank you, but I do. I mean, we are doing OK. We're in our 16th year. We just had a big 16th anniversary. That's where you're wrong. Not about the 16th year, but about you doing OK. Listen, there's always room to get better. And as much as this is one of my follow up success stories so far, it's also a huge failure.

Because you have failed to pivot to the next stage of the podcast game. Oh, what is that? I don't even know. I mean, we're one of the original podcast. It's something you've probably never even experimented with. What? Video.

We did some video. I don't know if anybody wants to see who's on the podcast. I mean, the problem with videos is like a lot of the guests don't want to come wearing makeup. Yeah. And don't even want to take a picture. They won't take a picture, actually. They will not have a photo taken. And I may have them way far away in the background of a picture. You could have a caricature of them spliced into this picture, but you will not see your face. Okay, if I draw a caricature right now. Yes.

Yes. Then you can put that in. And it can be realistic. I'm underage. I don't want my photo. You're not underage anymore. You're 50. I'm underage. If she's over 50, does that make any key demographic sick?

Obviously you guys because you hate old women. I'm going to draw you David Wayne style. Fine, go for it. The drawing of this caricature is the perfect kind of thing we could be capturing on video for our social sky. Well, you should have Dabney back on. The caricature that we met at Six Flags. Who?

I thought you were suggesting deceased actor Dabney Coleman. Oh, but I'd love... Oh, Dabney Cole person, you mean. Yes. He's still with us. Yeah, Dabney, we should have him in. A lot of people were very worried about him when recent news of Dabney Coleman... Yeah, they thought that it was... Rest in possible? No. No, Dabney Cole person is still with us. Okay, good. Thank God. Thank God. Yeah, he's very old, though. Thank God. He's older than Dabney Coleman.

Yeah. He's from every state. Okay, that's making me sick. Hearing about that is making me sick. This is a very realistic picture, by the way. Great. I can't wait to see it. It's so wonderful to draw pictures. And the listeners can't wait to see it either. It's so wonderful to talk about pictures. Are these forehead wrinkles accurate? Oh, my. See what I mean? From the top rope. You see what I mean, right, listeners? He hates women.

Women? You hate women. I hate wrinkles on women. Oh, my God. Let me tell you something. If Scott were more actively hating women on this podcast, he'd be doing a lot better. I know. The numbers would be a lot better. Maybe you should make like a Joe Rogan pivot. Yeah.

Well, he's on video, right? He's on video. He's got all seven hours of his podcasts are available on video. See, this is a key element of podcasting. People need to see the faces of the fun people. They're having a parasocial relationship. Right. I don't know about they want to hang out with them. They want to feel like I'm in the room with the barstool chuds.

I'm watching them talk about the porn that they subscribe to. Barstool chuds? Is that a real? No, that's just me referring to the men who work at Barstool. To me, they fit under the umbrella of chuds. And we could use one or two of them on this podcast. Is a chud something you call a boner that's half inflated? No, it's a cannibalistic humanoid underground dweller. Sure, that's one interpretation of a chud.

What you're thinking of is a chode. A chode. You're thinking of a chode. A chode is wider than it is long. Like a mini Coke can. Yeah. And by the way, if you have a choice, this is another PSA. If you have a choice between a dong that looks like a mechanical pencil or a mini Coke can, you're going to pick the mini Coke can every time. This explains why my subscriber numbers are down on my solo vids.

You have an Oli fan? I make some solo vids to put together some cash between seasons of my show. So I do quietly do some solo vids on the side. Quietly? Quietly. There's silent solo vids with a little touch of ASMR. There's some murmuring in the background. Hey, knock that off. You can hear the person in the Holiday Inn extended suites next to me. You can hear your mom

of the other room like get out of the bathroom yeah

You can just hear people blasting MSNBC next door. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's just sort of me quietly trying to focus and maintain interaction. While crying. Well, yeah, sure. But that's a natural lubricant, the tears. I don't know that we're pivoting to video. Why not? What was your name again? Ron Snapper. How many times have you been on the show? I've been on the show once. Really? Yeah. Where do the snappers hail from? What's your GDL? You ever done 23?

and me, Ron? Sure, I've done 23 and me that came back inconclusive. Oh, really? Those are the results that said we're not sure possible animal DNA contamination. Whoa, okay. Does that also mean none of your relatives are in the database? No one's in the database. The snappers do not trust internet cataloging of their DNA.

Okay. And frankly, none of you should. And with the way Biden's taking this country. Okay. I don't know. Your politics. You know, it's just like finding it into politics. Just not your. That's right. That's the last thing I want to do. I have.

Unfortunately, did 23andMe, and I found out I am 42% Neanderthal. That's high. That's too high. That's extremely high. Which I always knew was a possibility because of the meaty size of my calves and my extremely heavy bones. Is the other 58% just bread crust and cream cheese? Basically. They said there was too much high...

carb count for them to actually get any kind of accurate DNA, but they did say it was 42% Neanderthal. So you're on the left-hand side on that evolutionary scale. That's right. You're like crouching down. Hunched over. Yeah. Thicker, thicker,

Thicker brow. That makes sense why I have such a thick brow. Oh, let me draw that in there. Yeah. Heavy brow. You know, shorter stature. Thicker legs. Yeah. Short, short, thick legs. Yeah. You have like chodes for legs. Yeah, exactly. Wide chodes.

a wide belly area, which is why most tankinis don't fit. No, you look like you're wearing one of those pool floaties. That's right. But then you get too close and you're like, oh, that's just part of it. And that's human skin. Yeah. Yeah, you'd surprise. And all the hair, the body hair explains the body hair.

I've often wondered if I was part Neanderthal because of my aggressive nature and my mistrust of fire. Wow, you seem so docile, Ron. What are you talking about? You're not giving any aggression. Well, I already got my tough love two years ago, and it paid off. And so I'm going to have to give some more of it again. You need to get some cameras in here. Honestly, Ron, for the most part, I'm forgetting that you're next to me. That's true.

That's how not aggressive you are. I forget your hair. Perhaps that says more about your own awareness. Perhaps. You're making me look inward, Ron Snapper. And see, if there were cameras in here, no one would forget who was next to who. We'd be able to chop it up into digestible little clips for our socials. The teens would be able to share it

On TikTok, they'd be able to say, look at this funny-shaped woman. She's whiter. I take offense to that. I am the shape of an upside-down pyramid. That's not a funny shape to you? In many cultures, that is a prized shape. Name one culture where that's a prized shape. Rhode Island. Okay. The facts check out on that. That is accurate. They're known for their clams.

and they're upside-down pyramid-shaped women. And they're mares who tied their rivals to chairs and beat them with a baseball bat. That's right, but great marinara sauce. Great marinara sauce. So, Ron, you were on the show before? No.

See, and this kind of recurring bit could be a great bit for socials. I don't know that we're doing video on the show. Too late. I've already been filming video of this whole thing. Okay, look, here's a few things you could do to incorporate into clips for socials. We could be talking about the Sigma grind set. Are you familiar with the grind set mentality? Sort of, yes. You got a grind, Scott. You could be calmly talking about how you wake up at 3 a.m., you immediately open Mark Wahlberg's prayer app.

Then you listen to... On that app, does he recite prayers or does he just give you prayers that you're supposed to do? I'll pull it up right here. It looks like, okay, it's just his face pops up and it's a picture of him from Ash Wednesday when he's got the ashes on the forehead. I remember that picture. And it's just him. It's a bit of a jib jab, it looks like. Just him going, stay prayed up.

And then it just gets it. Then it's glitching from here. I don't really know what's going on. Do you have that next to the Jeremy Renner app? That's my favorite app. I always check that for updates on his music. Are you familiar with his music? No. Do a deep dive on YouTube of him drinking tequila and covering House of the Rising Sun. It's bad. The app just seemed to stop one day. The app just stopped. And there's a picture of a snowplow. I don't know exactly what happened.

See, and it's this kind of hot button issue. He's, of course, in Knives Out 3. Oh, Knives Out 3. Beautiful movie. Not enough people in it. And every day a new person pops up. That's right. Thank God. I think all of us are going to be in it at some point. I like a whodunit where it could be anyone or no one. I don't even care. Yeah, anyone on Earth. That's right. That's what I want the suspects to be. Anyone could wander in. See, and it's us complaining about popular movies that could really go to the top of the socials. Nothing America wants than white men complaining.

complaining about popular movies. Think of if you just did your Star Wars rankings that you like to do. How do you know about my Star Wars rankings? Because I have a file on you. Those are exclusively on our, you have to stop talking about TMNT on TV. I told you I'm a Maximus subscriber. He's got a dossier on you. And look, that's the kind of clip that could be driving angry engagement from white men between the ages of 18 and 35. Isn't that what you want?

I feel like I'm getting enough of it already. He's captured that audience. Yeah, I've started writing Spider-Man. One issue is out and I've already gotten enough angry white men. Scott, you've walked directly into a wood chipper. God, I hope you didn't have a character of color who knew Spider-Man. I don't know. That'd be a shame. We'll see. But yeah. Anyway, see, it's that kind of disgusting comment like what I just made that could drive a lot of negative engagement if it was on a video format. We're not going to do it. I'm sorry.

It's just not. Okay. Okay. I'm just not into it. I'm sorry. Okay. Well, then I'm going to film a short little video for your social. Okay. Just to be clear, your flip phone doesn't have camera access. It doesn't seem to be taking. There's no lens. I was told there was a lens. You were told there was a lens. I went to eBay and bought an old Sprint phone I saw in season 21 of Survivor that they used to watch videos from their loved ones. I don't know.

And it's got video capability. This seems to only have the videos from the Survivor cast. Yeah, hold on. Friends and family. Oh, it's Rupert crying about his hot wife. Okay, sorry. Let me scroll past this. Okay, great. Okay, now I'm filming a video for social. Okay. Okay, great. Scott, what I do...

Every morning, I wake up at 2 in the morning, and I read meditations by Marcus Aurelius. Okay? Stoicism is one of the greatest... What's stoicism all about? It's about, like, hitting your dong with a hair...

Like a hairbrush? Like a hairbrush, just waking up and saying life is awful. Marcus Aurelius began every day by hitting his dog with a hairbrush. Are we saying dog or dong? It's hard when the wrist is cold. He does both!

He did both. One for you, one for me. That's right. Stoicism is about giving yourself horrible little homework assignments every day that you have to complete at the expense of fostering any real interpersonal relationships. It's about creating a

a restrictive framework that keeps you from enjoying any of life's little pleasures. That sounds like high school. I dropped out of that. Well, you should have stayed focused because that's the Sigma grind set, guys. And that's why I'm selling these pills. I'm selling... Why are you forcing me down my throat? Eat the pills. Eat the pills so that the people can see that they work. Give me that pill. There you go. He doesn't even know that he's eating the damn thing. See, he's eating the pill. What are these pills for?

What is the aftertaste? The aftertaste? I'm glad you asked. That's raw earth. Because the taste is bad enough. That's peat moss. That's a fine peat moss that's going to get your iron levels back up. He put mine in peanut butter and then shoved it down my throat like you would a dog. Well, they do have to be administered dog style. You can put them in a pill pocket if you put it in one of those little treats. Why'd you put this cone around my neck? Well, it's the cone of shame, Scott. You won't pivot to video. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Okay. Okay. Great. And cut. Oh, that was all part of it? It's going to play great on TikTok. I don't know. I don't know. Look, your name is Ron Snapper. My name is Ron Snapper. I've been on the show before. You've been on the show before. We need to take a break. I need to get to this accountant. Okay. Well, if you don't like me being- It's supposed to be a one-on-one show. Hey, if you don't like the way the show is going, there's the door. And that's my classic. Oh, that's right. Okay. That's the one thing I had to get at you. The end. There's the door. There's the door. Okay. We're going to take a break. When we come back-

I don't know that Ron or Beck or I'm sorry. No, Ron or Marissa will still be here. Becky's the accountant coming up. Fuck Becky. Fuck Becky. Becky with the good hair. I dare you to say that to her face. I'm going to fight this. Do it. It'll be a great clip. I'll stay. I'll be making solo vids at the court. Why are you crying again, Ron? Get it together. It's just a natural response my body has to when it sees my own camera. All right. We need to take a break. We'll be right back with more comedy back after this. Wap it.

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up baby still wamping it up what's going on with all the all of the uh how many episodes of wamp it up did you do oh god it's hard to tell uh 7 14 you did you did over 100 at least did we you did a lot yeah god damn it then you we should be seeing some residge you you've done a lot of uh episodes they're all over at cbb world right now yeah we just put them up i don't get i don't see a cent don't don't see a cent but uh you know some disurno coupons coming your way can't wait

Can't wait to get more of those. That's right. They're all there. And also, there's this book that you're very upset about, which is, what's it called again? The Art of Small Talk. The Art of Small Talk. These girls, I wouldn't even call them girls. Talk about old women. Yeah. Oh, I'm going to be sick. Talk about hackitude, okay? We got Casey Wilson and Jessica St. Clair wrote this audio book called The Art of Small Talk with, you know, how to teach people how to small talk. A lot of people hate it. Did you know that? I've just attempted your nose. It didn't seem to go well. Why does it look like

I'm going to try to shave. I'm going to give you rhinoplasty on this. Please. All right. Anyway, so yeah, I'm pretty pissed because it was my idea. I'm obviously the queen of small talk. Turn slightly to your left. What? Again, this is where when you say things like this. Not big enough. Okay. Yeah, I course corrected too bad. No, you know what? I actually, I actually. You got a time. I did get surgery on my nose to make it more bulbous.

A lot of people thin it, but I actually thickened it because that's something. It looks like you have gin blossoms as well. That's right. Just to give myself more of that Neanderthal flavor. I had the same procedure done, but on my throat. What? You had your Adam apple? Not the Adam's apple, the whole throat. See how it looks like a bullfrog? Yeah, it does. When I breathe in and out. Yeah. You're also eating flies for some reason. Yeah, I'm eating flies. Scott, you got a problem with that? You got a problem.

Marcus Aurelius would begin every day by eating six to seven flies. I made your eyes look really sad. Yeah, because I'm here. Wow. That actually is a reflection of how I feel. That looks like the top of Benjamin Franklin's head. Hey, you guys see Michael Douglas playing him? Holding a kite with a key. Oof.

Michael Douglas played him? If Michael Douglas dressed as Ben Franklin were to dance a jig in a Parisian brothel, I would be sick. I don't think Catherine Zeta-Jones would let him anywhere near down there, which gave him cancer. Too soon. Really? It was like 10 years ago. Too soon. Look, we have to get to our next guest.

Our first guest, actually, because you two were not planned. I was an ambush, but of the good kind. Yeah, I don't think there is a good kind of an ambush. I think the word ambush connotates... Excitement. Please stop talking about my...

My hairy bush. All right. We need to get to our first guest. She is an accountant. We're going to have an in-depth conversation, I would imagine, about numbers and taxes. I know there's a lot going on with loan out corporations these days in the entertainment industry. We need to get some clarity on that. Please welcome Becky Girardi. Justin Timberlake. Barack Obama. Julianne Dore.

Julia Dore? Who's that? Ellen Degenerate. These are just a few of my clients. Oh, wow. I mean, I know three of them. I don't know who's the third one. Julianne Dore was a hard one to place. You know these people? These are my enemies. What? These are your clients or your enemies? They are both.

These are my clients who I help every year with their numbers, with their businesses, with their families, with their livelihoods, with their salaries. You're an entertainment accountant? Yes. A business manager? Yeah.

I haven't quite graduated to business manager. But you're an accountant. I'm an accountant. Okay. Okay. To the stars. To the stars. I'm here to help you. If you become a star, Scott, I will help you. Don't hold your breath. I'd move on. I had a window. Didn't happen. That's it. Well, you call me when that, when Hollywood comes knocking. They won't.

And that sucks for you. They're doing reverse knocks. It's sort of the sound of like away from them. They're running away. That's absolutely brutal to have Hollywood run away from you. Yeah. But I kind of wish it would happen to me. Why? I don't understand why your clients are your enemies, you were saying? They keep ranking me. Like Ashton Kutcher style?

I wish. I wish there was some benefit. They're not even filming it. Oh, well, that's what you got to film it for socials. What do you mean they're pranking you? What does that mean? I'm the biggest dork they know. I'm a numbers girl. You know, you are. I mean, you are. I mean, I've seen I've had some dorks on this show.

Certainly, I've rescued some dorks podcasting. This is a great. There's a lot of D&D podcasts out there. They're trying to make it seem like they're cool. Enough. Yeah. Oh, my God. We got a diverse cast of people playing an inclusive game. I'm bored. Talk about Ron. Ron, careful. Listen, I understand where I stand in terms of dorks. I come from a dorky culture. You're like queen of the dorks. What was your 23 and me? 90% dork.

Oh, that's my father. My father, 90% dork. Oh, did he intermingle with someone who wasn't a dork? He was 10%, 10% Neanderthal, 90% dork. A dork and a Neanderthal. That's tough. Absolutely. I'm 45% dork. The rest of the percentage is slob. Oh, really? You're messy? I'm messy. I'm sweaty. It's hard. Messy isn't something you're looking for when you're looking at an accountant. I don't want my accountant wearing jorts.

The jorts are part of the design of how I work. Okay, really? Because I get sweaty legs. You know what I'm talking about when you get sweaty legs. I feel you, sister. I'm sticking to everything. We're all sweaty guys here. I'm a woman. I know, I know, I know. But you want it to whisk off. I want it to whisk. You know some of that REI technology? Yeah. I'm wearing that on my daily. Wonderful. Moisture wickings.

Huh? Moisture wicking. Constant. And I need whatever wick plus. Are you just making a solo vid right now?

Yeah, sorry. All that. Moisture wicking fabrics make it easier to clean up after yourself. Use promo code snapper. I will be using that code because I need wick plus. I need constant wicking all day. Don't use that code. Is that part of your advice as an accountant is to just use promo codes all the time? Promo codes save my life when I'm on the computer. When you got promo codes in there and you give me the promo codes, I get the help myself. It's like getting a 10% salary bump.

When you use promos, right? Exactly. That's right. Exactly. It's incredible to use promo codes. Give me your promo codes. That's the biggest gift any of my clients ever give me is their promo codes. But how are they...

They prank you. You're the one getting us back on track. I just need to. Somebody has to, Scott. I'll give you an example. Please. Justin Timberlake, he has an S-Corp, okay? Timberlong Who Ways. Timberlong Who Ways. Timberlong Who Ways. Timberlong Who Ways. It's his production company. He's trying to pivot the movie. And so I was at his house helping him. Justin Timberlake and movies, good luck with that. Right. Lucid, I don't- You know that one where your time was written on your arm or something like that? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Anyway. Vincent Cartizer was in it. Okay, go on. I don't pay attention to the creative at all. Another guy who had a window. It's true. I got to catch these people in their windows. So I'm in Justin Timberlake's window. I'm actually in his house. I'm helping him through his receipts. So you have Justin Timberlake on the wane. I got him on the wane. When he's considering 98 Degree. Or what was he in? NSYNC.

Considering the reunion. He's considering the reunion. I'm in the room. He's not asking me for the advice, but I'm in the room. I was sweatily going through his papers. Then this guy, you know, when people are stressed, they think, how can I hold power over somebody? Right. You know, and they go, oh, dork alert.

So he says to me, oh, your car's getting towed outside. I go, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. That's my mom's car. Right. I rush outside. The car's getting towed. I go, please, I beg you. I'll give you anything. This is my mom's car. She's going to fucking annihilate me. Yeah. If I don't give this car back to her tonight. Okay. Okay. Is this every night you have to give it back to her? Does she work nights or?

I gotta give it back to her. She doesn't work nights. Wait, is that your hearse parked outside? Yes. My mom is in the death business. When you say in the death business, what side of it? Causing it or... I would say...

Healing it. Healing. You know, when somebody dies. Oh, no. She transports the body. Bringing the dead back to life. It's happened once. It has. It happened once. Jesus Christ. Very famously. Anton Lennon.

John Lennon. Two men we should be living more like. Well, John Lennon, that one scooped her business because she brought the one guy back to life, but he wasn't a celebrity. Right. That's why I got the idea. I got to work with celebrities. That's how you got the idea to work with celebrities? Smart. Interesting. Smart. So Justin Timberlake, he...

My car's getting towed. I'm screaming for help. I say, I beg of you, I beg you, there's a body in the back. Please don't. You're driving around with dead bodies. Yeah, my mom had a night shift. In this heat. In this heat. In the California heat, really different than when I lived in Connecticut. Different. Really different. That's probably not the interesting part of the story. I'm interested in the humidity index. I lived outside in New Haven. Not...

Not quite, you know, we're not the dryness. No, please, I beg of you to get back on track. Now it's me. So my car is getting thrown. I'm begging for my life. I'm skiing in my knees because I'm in the jorts and I'm on the driveway begging. You're like down on your hands and knees. I'm banging, I'm banging, I'm banging. And that sound, you don't make a big impact on a driveway. The driveway is too powerful. Then Justin goes, ha ha. And I'm like.

I turn around, he's laughing at me. The person in the tow truck takes off their mask as his mom. Come on. And he goes, prank you. Why not just... Why the mask? Did you know that... Did we know his mom? Did you know that that... It's kind of easy to see if somebody's wearing a mask. Right. Where you...

Were you concerned? Tell that to me 25 minutes ago walking in as the gardener, okay? It's for dramatic effect. The point is, Ron, nobody cares who you are or remembers your face. I, again, every time you talk, I get shocked that you're here. I think you don't have object permanence.

That may be true. That may be part of your problem. It is one of my problems. You turn to the left and I'm gone. That's what got me into the Stars Academy. I have the object permanence of a two-year-old. That's honestly an incredible skill to harness because I wish I could forget all these pranks happening to me. I understand. These sound horrible. Did Justin Timberlake's mom then take your car away or was this all just a prank? It was all the prank. Didn't this happen to him?

You think you think her people, her people, Scott. So this originally this is like his famous punk, right? Where his car is getting towed. Absolutely. He cries, right? And he cried. He made me cry. Was his mom involved? His mom. She was probably in the bushes or some shit. I don't know. Yeah, probably. Because she seems like the original prankster. She took off her mask. You asked me, did I notice she had a mascot? I don't like to judge women. I am a woman. I thought I do.

Run! Sir, sir. He gets shocked every time he talks. And that's your thing to talk about with the devil, you know? You're right. That's what you got to talk about with him. Or her. Oh, thank you. So the prank was just to embarrass you? It's to humiliate me. Humiliate you? Because you're such a dork. Because I'm such a dork. It was awful. This is terrible. And this is happening with all my clients. They now know Justin gave them the tip off. Tee hee, you can prank Becky. So they're all doing it. You've become a mark. I'm a mark. Ugh.

And I'm not a good kind of mark like the one with the app. Yeah. Yeah. Not Wahlberg. Stay bright up. Oh, I thought you meant Ruffalo. He has an app. He should. He should. He has an app that gives you little kisses in the morning if you if you're single. Just rings you about politics. Yeah, not to like very specific. Yeah, exactly. So so who else is pranked? You know, I'll go bomba.

Barack Obama is your client? He is my client. He has an S-Corp. Wait, is it Barack Obama, our former president, or Barack Obama is what I heard? Or Barack LaBamba? Barack Obama. Barack Obama was the president, but I have to say... Not my president. I have to say that it's unfortunate. There's a lot of...

My slippery fingers, they got little typos. It doesn't end up mattering when I submit it to the IRS. It seems like it would. An attention to detail would be... Precision is... I fix it all up before I send it out to the guys. But, you know, sometimes there's typos when I'm just interacting. He's Obama in my books right now. But he got the word from JT. He said, I could prank Becky. Okay. What did he do? I was at a red light. It was in my mom's car. Hers. Hers.

Had a body in the back. It was cooking. It was the middle of summer. Is there air conditioning? It's a dry heat. The air conditioning is the windows.

That's tough. Okay, that's not air. Okay, but you open the window. I open the window. Like a Flintstone car is what I'm picturing. Yes. I got a little hamster wheel that's got a crank to get that window down. Sure, sure. Unbelievable. And I'm at a red light and I see, oh my God, there's a man screaming on the side of the road. Help, my baby's trapped. Oh God. Underneath this car. Underneath a car? Oh no. And I said, oh my God, I mean, I'm at a red light, but I'll put it in park. Okay.

Okay. You know, I got to help the man with the baby. We don't need every step of the way here. I put it in park. In that car, it's Pete that puts it in park. Okay, fine. Yes, I'm... If she didn't establish that the whole rest of the time, I'd be wondering, is the car rolling down the street? Exactly. I put it in park. Thank you. I put it in park, and for my money, I feed the hamster. I get out of the car. Right. Close it. Lock the door. Lock the... Oh.

Oh, no. But you have a key. I got the key. Lock the door. I'm going to write that down. Because I'm leaving the car. Yeah. Got it. I go up to the man. I say, hello, what's going on? I say, oh, my baby is trapped under this car. I said, oh, my God. It's only mothers that get the strength to ride the car. Or Bill Bixby. Or Bill Bixby. They get the strength to lift the car. And you've never had kids. I don't have kids. I haven't had the fortune. Have you ever had sex?

Well, I... You know what? Don't answer that. You don't have to answer that. This could be a good clip for social. I'm representing you. Don't answer that. I have to tell you that the prank kind of relates to that. Oh, okay. Continue, please. So...

I actually, I summon the strength. You did it. I summon the strength of my mother. I pretend I'm the baby. What would my mother do? I don't have kids of my own. I can't put myself in the position of a mother. Sure. But then you imagine your relationship, the relationship between your mother and yourself. Exactly. And that gives me some strength. I go, I can do it. And I lift the car. I lift the car. I get the baby.

Okay. It looked like a doll to me, but I'm not trying to judge. Sure. Especially because it was a girl. I don't want to judge her. Right. And then she feels like, oh, I look... You don't want to judge a little girl's appearance. Exactly. Oh, you look like a pretty little doll. You look like a plastic doll. Oh, now you're like a real baby. Interesting.

Hey, it's a good thing to be. The social media metrics would beg to differ. Well, I take the doll looking baby out and I go, here's your baby. Because thank you so much. Oh, God, I'm so single these days. I don't know how to keep track of my baby. I'm so single. That's very single. That's very single. It's extremely single. So I thought, well, I'm single too. Oh, my God, this is a come on.

And he looked handsome. Right. So I thought... Nothing more attractive than a man who has let his baby get trapped under a car. But seeks help. He asks for help. He's not like one of those guys that's not asking for directions. Nothing more attractive than a helpless man... Is this trapped under a wheel or just there's a baby underneath the actual car? It was strapped to the undercarriage. Oh, okay. So someone had strapped it there. Speed style. Keanu Reeves style. Yeah, yeah. The baby would explode if the car...

Oh, God. It's a little baby Furiosa. Baby Furiosa. Possibly. We don't know who she could grow up to be. So that's why I didn't want to judge her. All babies have such great possibilities. It's incredible. And then they grow up to be. We don't know. Maybe jerks. Yeah. Maybe a jerk. Maybe a celebrity prankster. Maybe a guy making solo vids at a holiday and extending. Oh, God. I love a holiday. And I wish.

I wish I could stay there. What's the nicest hotel you've ever been to? The nicest hotel I've stayed in, I was allowed to crash in the back of a Motel 6 because the owner is my mom's cousin. Why do you keep winking at me? Why do you keep winking at me? She's letting you in on a major opportunity. Is the owner the cousin or not? The owner is my mom's cousin. They became cousins through a crime.

You know, where you become kind of like... Family. Like you have sex with your cousin? Why would you go there? That wasn't the crime. That is a crime, isn't it? It is a crime, but if you're both...

Kind of... Into it? Yeah. Your Honor, we were into it. People look the other way. They look the other way. Case dismissed! They look the other way. And if you have chemistry, if you pass a chemistry test from the judge... Oh, okay. You do a chemistry read? If you told me Travis and Taylor were cousins, I would be cool with that. That's how much their love inspires me and inspires America. Those are pranksters. They're pranksters, too. What? Are they pranking America? They're pranking... Listen, I got a lot of...

I ended up sleeping with this man on the side of the road. Smart. Wait, you did it on the side of the road? Yeah, yeah, because the come on happened there and it was too passionate. Wherever someone comes on to you, that's where you have to do it. That's where you do it because you've got to keep the juice alive. Stop, drop, and roll. God forbid you end up at the side of the Motel 6 and the fire isn't alive anymore. You've got to keep...

I'm going to read. That's an aha moment. You got to keep the juice alive. That's right. So then what happens? Because this is all like sounding like a fun, happy ending to me. So that's what she said. I went, well, I wish there was a happy ending. I went, the baby didn't cry and we were kind of hooting and hollering. And I realized the baby didn't cry.

The baby I thought was a doll was a doll. And I flick it and stuff. I flick the baby. It doesn't move. It doesn't cry. It doesn't cry. Okay. Mask comes off. It's Barack Obama. Come on. The baby? The man. The man. The man. You had sex with Barack Obama?

He took a mask off of his penis as well. And it wasn't his penis. His penis had been hidden. Oh, it was a dildo. It was a dildo. Oh, so I didn't know. It was horrible. And he said, pranked you. Wow. Pranked you. That's inappropriate. Is that a sexual crime? And then I said, can I report this as sexual crime? And he said, I used to be the president.

And then you just dropped it. And I just dropped it. And then I pulled the mask off the baby. We all know SCOTUS is ruling on presidential immunity. Michelle, she's laughing up a storm. Michelle was the baby. She's laughing up a storm. Michelle was the baby. This is, wow. This is a bad, bad story. It's a bad story. It's a bad story to be a dork next to celebrities. They really think they got you. Have you ever thought about maybe switching careers?

Or trying to become more cool? Driving dead bodies around. Or maybe dropping your clients the impractical jokers. Getting banked. I love Sal, Q, Joe, and the other one. You gotta get rid of them. I love them. Yeah, you can't get rid of them. I can't. My guys? You're right. What am I saying? Where am I supposed to get lunch if not for the IJs? Huh? Huh?

I get lunch with them every day. They buy me lunch. How nice. How often does it turn out to not be lunch? My God. More often than you'd think. I would think every time. The amount of ambrosias I've bitten in and it's plastic fruit. You walk into a pizza place and it's like...

clearly drywall was just put up hours before exactly mirrors yeah exactly that's how you know you're getting pranked everything's mirrors everything's mirrors yeah i walk into what i think is a subway sandwich with my guys the walls fall down it's a best buy and i'm buying a tv that's a good prank that's a really good one it's unbelievable that's a great prank unbelievable do you guys remember that show betty white's off their rockers yeah i had a friend i had

a friend who had a TV show, their first TV show, and the lead in was Betty White's Off Their Rockers. That's not a good sign. And then her TV show was so unsuccessful that they would rather run reruns of Betty White's Off Their Rockers than original episodes of her show. Can you believe that? You can't even retain a 94-year-old audience. That's exactly right.

You gotta ask the network if that's some sort of prank. That might have been a prank. I wish it was. That was reality. Wow. Well, this is, I mean, Becky, this is a terrible, terrible story. Thank you. I can't solve it. I mean, I feel like, you know how when a man listens to a woman's story, you're like,

always tries to solve it instead of just being empathetic or he gets sick. Yeah. Yeah. Or just, he gets sick. Yeah. Excuse me. I gotta go throw up somewhere. Um, I'm just going to be empathetic and say, I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. Thank you. I don't have any kind of solution for it, but, uh, I will say we are running out of time. I expected to have a full hour with you, but, uh, I ate up lots of oxygen. It's my fault again. I, I,

My heart can't take these shocks every time we talk. This is, it's terrible what's happening to you, but we are running out of time. We only have time for one final feature on the show. That is, of course, a little something called plugs. I'm wired to a plug song, so I'll do a plug song. Anyone like this one now?

Hey, nice and short. I love that. That was New File Teeny Tiny Pluggy Wuggy by the KevBot. Thank you so much to the KevBot. If you have a plugs theme, either opening or closing, head over to cbbworld.com slash plugs and upload your theme and you can be famous for a week. And KevBot, you're famous.

And what do we plug in? Let's see. I guess I'll go to our one real guest. Do you have anything to plug, Becky? Hmm. I would say that lately I've been a fan. Another client of mine, Rika Shunker, she's performing. Really? She's a client? I know her. She's not a celebrity whatsoever. Yet. Yet. Put her in a movie at one point. I don't know.

Okay, but, you know. That must have been a good, I mean, I don't know what we paid her, but. Listen. I do. I've got your financials up here right now. You have my financials? Oh, no. The pay rate, it was not a good one. I don't think DiGiorno coupons count as pay. I tried to use some of those.

Expired. They were expired. Says here you paid her in DiGiorno coupons and Zach Galifianakis beard trimmings. Oh, yeah. It's a bag of trimming. She was kind of destitute that year, unfortunately. But she does have, you know, some shows coming up. You could check out her website, RekhaShankar.com, follow her on socials, dropout.tv, yada, yada, yada. And just, you know.

I don't know. Actually, you're going to have to elucidate further. Yeah, we don't know. I guess, you know, just like, you know, follow her and shit so that one day. What's her Instagram? Her Instagram is R-E-K-H-A underscore S. Great. And, you know, I hope to God that's not a freaking prank because she'd be giving me this information. I haven't tested it. Yeah. But maybe it's a virus. She's a comedian. She might be breaking her ass. You gotta be careful. Okay.

This sucks. Yeah, it really does suck. You know what? I'll take plugs from you guys, even though you weren't meant to be on the show. Well, I appreciate that. Ron Snapper, you have a plug? Thank you so much. Of course, you need to watch Podcast Rescue. It's available on Paramount++. That's the web-only format. It's only available on web browsers.

within the continental Canada. And it's like only a mobile, right? Like while you're on the toilet. Yeah, it was built into Verizon's Go 90 app. Remember that? Oh, yeah. How we would all be turning our phones 90 degrees. Going 90! Yeah. So it's built into that. We all said it for a period of time. A hot second. Yeah. When I went to bed, I said, going 90. That's right. It's not a bad...

Piece of slang for having sex. It's what I say every time I start a solo vid. I go, okay, folks, we're going. Because it only takes 90 seconds. I wish. I wish. Anyway, listen. Another catchphrase for Ron's ad. There's the door and I wish.

So listen, you can watch my show, but more importantly, you should be checking in on... Scott, if you want inspiration for someone who's playing the social media game perfectly, it's comedian Devin Field. You can follow him at that Devin Field on all platforms. I've heard about this guy. I guess I've chosen not to, but...

But I haven't heard about it. He posts very occasionally, rarely to grid, very half-assed promotions of his own improv shows. Great strategy. This man has pranked me, so. Oh, Devin Field has pranked you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. He pretended I won a big...

PricewaterhouseCooper lottery check thing. Oh, did he have the big check for you? Yeah, and it was cake and it was terrible. It was cake! It sounds delicious. A lot of these pranks, actually, you get a good end of it. You have sex with, well, I mean, a dildo. A dildo attached to Barack Obama. And it was incredible. Hey, we'll take it. Really? It was incredible. Okay, so that's, yeah. Fine to me. He can't take away the mental experience you had. Then you get to eat cake. And you'll never take away that shortcake. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Great. And Marissa, you want to plug anything? Yeah. I mean, listen, I'm on MySpace. Very active there. Please check the news because I think this lawsuit between me and Jessica St. Clair and Casey Wilson about their audio book they stole from me, The Art of Small Talk, which can be downloaded, audible, anywhere you get your audio books. I'm drawing your mouth right now as you talk. Why is it?

so big and open. Oh, I wonder. That looked like a goatee to me. If you put a dog with those spurts going into it, I'm going to be so pissed. Listen, oh,

Oh, God, you did. The spurts are coming from the testicles. That's a prank. A wide head. I'll be honest. This character caricature looks like what I think I look like. Ron Snapper. You got to get a better self-esteem. Yeah. But listen and and check out Womping Up. Where can they find it?

CBBworld.com. All episodes available to either Maximus or legacy subscribers. Great. And yeah, and you'll if any any time you see a Taylor and Travis vid, if you look, you're going to like the Zabruder films. You're going to see Marissa in the or Lissler in the background. I hope it doesn't turn out like this film had a very bad ending. I don't know. I love that movie. Or good, depending on your politics. But I don't want to go. Oh, Ron.

Well, I want to plug. Look, obviously, we talked about bonus bangs. Those are coming out starting this Thursday. The essential Andrew Lloyd Webber. Our CBB tour starts next week in Boston. We're hitting so many cities and I hope people are going to come out and see us. We have two shows in Boston and then we go New York, Philly, D.C., Charlotte, Atlanta. This is all from memory, so I can't remember. But a bunch of cities in the south. Then we're going to the West Coast.

And then we have the Midwest and then the West Coast again, and then an exciting tour announcement next week. I also, I haven't talked about it on this show. I mentioned it earlier. I am writing some Spider-Man comics now. Spider-Man Unlimited number 39 through 42.

I'm writing and that's setting up some stuff I'm going to be doing down the line. The way to get that is getting on the Marvel Unlimited app and looking up Spider-Man Unlimited. Those will be coming out every week. And it's been fun. I think if you like old web head, you might like what I'm up to over there. I hope to God you're not animating it from this picture you took of me. I think you're going to be a character in this.

I mean, it's not bad character design, honestly. Like a supervillain with a terrible mouth. Yeah.

But check those out over at Marvel Unlimited and check out CBB World for so many of our great shows. Neighborhood Listen, Womp It Up, obviously. CBB Presents, all the archive of CBB. If you're only listening to this on Mondays, you're only getting half the story. All right, let's close up the old plug bag. Dirty pop. Dirty pop. Dirty pop. Dirty pop. Dirty pop. How you open the freaking plug bag? How you open

Yeah, that was the funky plugger by Alex Dale, I think using the famous funky drummer drum break that's been sampled in so many songs. Marissa, you're dozing off. Oh, sorry. I just, it's like everything's

Every time I hear an old man speak, it just lulls me. It's like my ASMR. The Funky Plugger is one of my other OnlyFans channels. Oh, okay. And that's the name of a classic IJ prank. Check it out. Oh, God. All right. Well, guys, I want to thank you so much. Becky, sorry that we didn't have as much time to talk as I wanted, but I'd love for you to come back. If anyone ever pranks you again, please come back. Absolutely. It'll be happening tonight, I'm sure. Oh, God. My life is hell. Okay.

I think I see Zach Braff out the window. Marissa, great to have you on the show. Come back with Lissler at some point. We will. When she resurfaces, it's been so great to connect with all my fans. Please get to be on MySpace. And if you feel like it's inappropriate to send a topless pic, don't.

Okay? Not don't send it. I mean, don't feel like it's inappropriate. Don't feel like it's inappropriate. Yeah, feel free to send these pics. Feel free. And Ron Snapper, what can one say? Everything! And yet nothing at all. And yet nothing at all. But wonderful to have you, I'm reading, back on the show. Yes, I've returned. And I will again. And I will see the Comedy Big Bang fans at every live tour stop. Well.

I don't know about that. That would truly be an ambush to me and the audience. It would. No one would like it. All right. We'll see you next time. Thanks. Bye. Wap it up!

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