112 - FINDING THE ONE RING ft. Shayne Smith 01:44:00

Dude, oh my god. I got you, bro. Yeah, baby. I'm gonna stop before I can have a Diet Coke. Dude, fuck yeah. Fuck my liver. Migraines every day for a week. Citrus Yuzu Smash. It'll use you. Why did you say that like my hero? Why did you say smash like you were fucking... Smash United States Smash.

Am I in focus though? I moved, Eli. I fucked everything up. I promise. 100%. I fucked some shit up. No, dude. You look so in focus. It's crazy how in focus you are. I pull focus fucking back on the first time. That's what I do. Everything. Are we actually? Can we? Are we ready? Yes. I'm going to double fuck it. Wait. Let me get my finger good. Eli's got to be a shill for a minute. I feel like I'm going to be a shill for a minute.

I was thinking it just cuts and I'm just like, Patty, I'm not a show. It's like a first form head to toe. Yeah. Adidas. Are you double fucking? Oh, that was powerful. That was terrible. Oh, that's not mixed at all. Damn, dude. You went double flavor.

It's racially ambiguous and batty. That guy's fucking ridiculous and we don't know. Best not to ask yourself why, but my friend, you've arrived. Welcome to Unsubscribe. Lemonade, citrus, and like cherry lime. I'm mental focused and drunk. Hold on. Hold on. Wait, real quick. War in Russia.

I already clapped. There's war. That was clapping about the war, Batty. I was excited. Oh, you're clapping about the war. War. I thought we were just celebrating. It's a double war. Yeah. It's a double war. It's a double war. Maybe almost a triple war. Yeah, possibly, honestly. Belarus says some people, Belarus are a little unhappy right now. Yeah, who knows what could happen anywhere, dude. Welcome to the podcast, Eli, Batty. Okay, okay.

Welcome to the Instagram Podcast. As always, we have Eli, Double Tap, myself, Batty Streams, and our beautiful, powerful, strong, great tattoos. Love this man, Shane Smith. Hey, everyone. It's me. I'm so stoked to be back. I'm so excited. We're in a new place from the last time. And it's fucking crazy in here, dude. It's a little less sketchy. Yeah, the last place was your home, right? It was sketchy. It's sketchy, yeah. Turns out, right behind the wall where we filmed, full of black mold. No.

No way floor collapse after I moved out literally the people were moving into the house and the whole floor collapsed because of the mold and water damage dude. That's crazy. I was wondering why you kept talking about the hat man after the makes more sense. He keeps visiting man. You were at the old house, not the old old. No, the mold house, the mold. Yeah, you're at the mold house.

Upgraded finally. First Form gave us 15 seconds to do that. First Form! OptiGreen 50! Microfactor! FirstForm.com! Subscribe! First Form! Dude, it's good to have you back. Dude, it's so good to be here, man. I love you saying sketchy. Oh, yeah, I know it, dude. If I think it's sketchy, that's not great.

That's real bad. You called Batty's old moldy house sketchy. It was. I'm hurt, but I get it. Yeah, dude. It was off a dirt road. I feel like it had a very Texas chainsaw vibe.

Oh, it did. Yeah. With the double gates, the driveway had the warehouse in the back. Yeah. Maybe a house of a thousand corpses. Maybe that's more your vibe. No, the Texas Chainsaw Massacre is pretty. Okay, cool. I think wearing a guy's face is sick, dude. I'd like to do that before I die. Right? Just check it off the old bucket list. Just throw it on. You think you would have to? I think I'd have to wear like a big boy's face because I'm pretty tall.

So he'd have to be like, we're talking like 280, maybe, you know, I don't like the way you're looking at me right now. I don't like the way you're looking at me. Red hair. You guys don't think about it? Yeah, yeah, dude. Maybe like a beard. Yeah, dude. Like some like type of gentleman from Texas, maybe. From Vermont. I'm from Vermont. I just live in, I'm from Vermont. New York. We're friends. Just skin wearing. I just picture a fucking skin wearing. Like a psychopath. Oh, yeah.

Dude, I'm going to draw... When he's cutting faces off, though, does he like...

certain races, he's like, I can't do that. That's bad. Like he's afraid of getting killed. He's a murderer. He's a woke murderer. He doesn't want to get canceled so he won't do real blackface. Oh, dude. Well, if you cut off a Chinese guy's face and put it on yours, you can't see very good. So you're like, fuck, dude. Where am I at? I see HD now. Yeah. What the fuck?

Are you just cutting off the face? Are you doing like the... No, I'm not going gladiator helmet. I'm going Slipknot style. Six? Six hooks. Yeah, I think that's about one, two, three, four. Maybe seven for here. Yeah, dude, you got to do two top to bottom. I think so. That's about how I do it. How long do you think before it gets stinky? I think you got to cure that meat, you know? But if you cure it, you're losing...

You're losing it. Well, I mean, you gotta keep it moist. How do you do that? Maybe, is that what formaldehyde does? Have you ever touched a dead person in an open casket? Yeah. They feel stiff. You touched the dead guy in the casket? Yeah, they're like not spongy. They're like very like... Would you squeeze some motherfucker's cheek? Like, sorry, dad, I miss you. It wasn't... Well, I didn't know him. I was just... I just snuck into a room and there was a dead person. So I was like, I'm gonna get in there. I'm gonna get in there. Did you wedding crash a funeral? No, I was at...

The story is actually more insane than you want it to be. So I went to a person's funeral at a funeral home and I met a woman there and we hit it off and we decided to sneak away. Did you get a blowjob at a funeral? No, I had sex at a funeral. God, I'm a gentleman. I had penetrative raw sex at a funeral. And...

So we snuck up into a room and then there was a person in that room. They were dead though. It's cool. And then afterwards later, we finished and we went back to the thing. And then before we left, I like grabbed one of my friends and I was like, hey, there was like an unattended dead person. You want to like go check it out? You know, it's that thing where you're a kid. You're like, do you want to see a dead body? Like you keep words there when you were a kid. Yeah. Yeah. No, I'm sorry. I maintain my childlike sense of wonder. You guys.

Then I can go check out a dead body and it's awesome. I get it. I get it. I click Pokemon cards. Dude, just next there. She was so hot, dude. Oh. If you have a girl, if you meet a girl and one day she's like, I want it and she's willing to do it in a room with a dead person. Oh, the lady is hot. Okay. Yeah. No, the dead person. I'm not doing it looking over like. That's what I was so confused. I was like. No, no, no, no, no, no. Yes, dude.

Because he looked at me like she was fucking hot though. And I was like, oh, you're an animal, Eli. Well, yes, I'm the animal. Yeah. This story started with me. Yeah, dude. So anyway, it was a live woman who I met at the funeral. Not the dead person was separate from all the other stuff.

Anyway, dead people are like stiff. They're like rock solid dude. Just like me when I was fucking the lady. That was what I was young at the time too. That's when you have like a 20 year old boner. You could break into a car with it. You don't need a little tap on it. You just touch your dick to the window. Exactly dude. Damn dude. Those were the days. Now it's like a

Yeah, I know. It's like, you know when your freezer's just not quite working enough and the ice cream's good, but you're like, it could be more frozen. You're happy because the spoon goes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you're also like, come on, man.

You're happy. Like, it's good enough. Yeah, it weren't. It could have been better. Yeah, like, no one's complaining, but I feel like they know. You know, they know it could be better. I mean, even if they don't know. You know. But, I mean, listen. You know. I have a friend. He has infinite blue shoes. He's like,

Because he's a bodybuilder. He's got lines of it. Because he's a bodybuilder, dude. And you take it because apparently, well, he says if you take dick pills, we'll just call it dick pills. Dick pills are great. If you take dick pills, it makes you less sore and increase your vascular-ness. I don't know the science. It's actually good. So it's a blood thinner. It actually helps nitric oxide opening of your... Hold on, Eli.

To the powers unite. If you're going to start talking about nitrous oxide, bullshit blood. And the blood capillaries and how it flows into it so it's a blood thinner. Everyone knows Eli's a scientist. Just like my son. Yeah, dude. Ah, scientist. That's what we're calling them now. Anyway, cheers to dick pills. They cure everything and do all of it. And it's amazing. God bless them. There we go.

Oh my god. God bless America. Sheesh! Right into fucking around dead people. And now war! I mean, it's a great transition. It is. Speaking of fucking around dead people. So Russia invaded Russia. So wait, yeah, what the fuck? Okay, so you don't know what's really... I was up all night with a migraine, so I was just reading non-stop Twitter doom scrolling. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I do the memes. Okay, I will give a brief backstory on what I've seen. I woke up at 7 or 8 a.m. It was like phone. And then it was like Russia, blah. And it was two names. It was like Putin versus another guy's name. Another P name. I don't know. It's Russian. It's incredibly Russian. It's unbelievably Russian.

Oh, they're just fighting. And I didn't look into it other than I thought a new country was maybe fighting. I didn't, I have no idea what's going on. Uh, so in the war in Ukraine right now, I think we can say as YouTube's not gonna be mad. We're talking at 10 minutes in, uh, in the war in Ukraine right now is basically Ukraine versus, uh, the Russian ministry of defense and also the private military contracting group, PMC group, Tarkov. What up? Uh,

the Wagner group, I pronounce. Yeah, Wagner group. Their version of Black Rock or any number of other things. That's how modern war works. But incredibly big. Massive. Warlord big. Yes. Everyone who has ever read history knows you don't let your mercenary group get that big. No.

Metal Gear Solid 5. Rome. Metal Gear Solid. All of it. All the video games. Spain. Who else has had that happen? I mean, a bunch of people. As they're fighting in Ukraine, this military group, they also have another section over in Africa. Like...

They have a lot of fucking dudes. This isn't like your private security you see over here. No, this is like... Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is Blackwater. They also hire people from all nationalities. It's not just Russians. I think they want you to speak Russian, but... Wait, they have... Okay, yeah. No, they have tanks. Yeah, the Russian Ministry of Defense sells them advanced military equipment. So I don't think they have to coordinate with Russian air and naval services, but they have a full... They have armored brigades...

I don't know. Whatever their version of strikers are. I don't know. Yeah, yeah. They're like eight-wheeled. They have tank hunter battalion. Like, they have all of it. They have divisions that can operate in modern war. Very successful. Obviously, you know. I just love how you're very knowledgeable. I'm very interested. Well, because it's so hard to know because everyone's lying about everything all the time. It's their story. What?

Yeah, dude. So I can't. I truly am just like this is the first war since World War One where everyone's losing. It's like, whoa, no one's everything bad is happening. It's terrible. We should not be doing it. No one should be doing this. No, it's terrifying. So the leader and the sub leader or whatever it is of this group.

has been speaking out against Putin because of the lack of support they've had in this war in Ukraine from Russia, even though they're on Russia's side. And even though they are, they won their last major battle, which is like, so I don't know. It just looks like warlord stuff. Yeah. It really looks like a lot like,

a lot of war crime going on. These guys, just to be very clear, they're very bad people. There is no... They recruit from prison. Though I guess technically we did that in Vietnam. Well, I mean, so did the Russian Ministry of Defense too. Yeah, yeah, okay. Everybody's bad again. Everyone's bad again. They're executing war crimes. Each other, everything. No, war prisoners with sledgehammers. It's real bad. They're bad. Don't do that. But...

but the leader of this group hates Putin because he's not given a lot of support. And so he was like, all right. And then recently, as of yesterday, the Russian military accidentally, not so accidentally. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 dropped an airstrike.

In their camp, like, killed a bunch of them. Yeah, yeah. And the Wagner group, after multiple being... Like, the only motherfucker who's, like, on Russia that's gonna be like, hey, fuck you, Putin, like, multiple times, he's like, all right, fuck it. Took their dudes and they took the southern...

headquarters in Russia. Yeah, they surrounded it. There's videos of a tank pointing at it. Dude, there's literally people just chilling, having a picnic on a date, filming with their phones, and there's a city of over a million people. Their group just rolled in, took the Ministry of Defense area, Southern Command, and now they've moved up another six hours. They're about, what, seven hours away from Moscow right now in another city. Yeah, yeah. So this is a full-on war war.

This is a full... I mean, I don't think they've killed anyone yet that we know of. No, there is. As of this morning, there was fighting in one city. It's the second city they took. Not the one that starts with an R, starts with a V. I can't think of all the names because I'm not... Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Russia was using helicopters against them in airstrikes, and they shot down a Russian helicopter. Oh, dude. That's crazy. There's another video of a second helicopter shooting off flares, dodging a missile over the city. Bro, it's wild. It does sound like Putin was like, oh, I actually let the warlord become a warlord. I should kill him. Then he tried to airstrike the warlord, and the warlord was like, I was at Starbucks when you did that, you motherfucker. Attack.

You son of a bitch. And then now he's like, well, I'm going to do war. I'm going to do war against you because I've been speaking out against you. And now it's like this whole thing. With Ukraine. Holy shit. So two of the multiple Russian National Guard units on the way in have just been like,

ah we're on the warlord side now too yeah dude it's fucking like right now they are barricading the entire road from this second city they took to moscow to uh stop it they have the russian social forces uh more national guard units all just being like i guess we're at war now the soldiers have to give up because even fighting ukraine russia's a lot of soldiers are like yo fuck this like yeah yeah yeah now everything was going wrong and now you have another fighting force

On the opposite side. I guarantee they're just like, what the fuck? In Russia. Yeah, in Russia. If you've ever read about World War I, this is exactly what happened. They were fighting on the front. The things were going weird. They could have been winning, but they weren't because whatever rich people were doing bad things. One assassination. One assassination. World War I.

One group and then the civil war. So we'll see. Could be a full-blown civil war in Russia. Yeah. So it's kind of right now this leader of the Wagner group is saying we want Putin...

Not in charge. We want to get rid of the top chain of military command. Everybody else is cool, though. You guys are all good. Like the lower enlisted, the lower chain of command. Yeah, yeah. They took the first thing they took has an airfield that's directly supporting the war in Ukraine. And they just be like, hey, if you're trying to fly out to fight Ukrainians, hell yeah, we're gonna put one of our guys on your helicopter. Go off. Just make sure you don't attack us.

Yeah. They're still fighting Ukraine. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Supporting the fight of Ukraine while also fighting Russia. Yeah. I mean, they didn't take very much. I think it's like a division or something. It's like it's a divisional element. It's not like a crate because, you know, it is a coup and there's not like troops stationed around Moscow. So they don't really need to do a lot. I mean, that's what happened in like 1991. It was like a battalion element surrounded the Kremlin. Yeah. And then they just did that. Yeah.

So we'll see what happens. It's wild. It's super. Dude, Metal Gear is real. He predicted everything. Oh, and the opposition of the main leader in Belarus is now speaking out, being like, we want all Russians out of Belarus. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That guy's. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, a bunch of crazy shit going on right now. And I think my favorite thing that's going on with this whole scenario is it's a giant conspiracy theory and it's not real.

that's oh dude a lot a lot of being like oh it's a they're they're trying to do this to get ukraine to attack and push real big so that they can nuke them yeah oh yeah there's a major like false flag fucking crazy conspiracy theories going on dude everyone thinks everything is a conspiracy everything is a conspiracy now it's so hard because like information drops and more information drops and then the government will hide stuff but then be open about certain stuff and you're like

Yeah, the information war. That's the part of the Ukraine war, watching a modern war between two modern countries and how you literally can't discern what's happening. Even looking at maps of the battlefield moving, like you can't tell who is winning at any point until much later. Much later. Yeah, yeah. It's wild to watch. World War III is going to be crazy. We're going to watch it on TikTok, dude. Just like a dude for real. Just looking at blown up tanks. Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop.

I'm going to go ahead and say it. We're already watching it on TikTok. This is the beginning. I can't wait to watch baby Kronk on TikTok fighting against China or whatever. That's a guy, right? That's a whole other story. Yeah, dude. I can't believe that exists. Right now, it's so weird. We have the Ukraine war and then social media is great because we forgot about that, essentially. In my opinion, everyone was like, support.

Submarine! I was about to say submarine. Oh, no. And then you can cut to like the 500 people that died on that boat, the immigrants, because it was like 500. So sad. And right next to fucking a shoreline. Do you know about this, Patty? No. Oh, this is the same fucking time frame. There's a boat of 750 immigrants.

and they're trying to immigrate to Greece. Firstly, imagine how bad it has to be in your home country for you to choose Greece as the place you go. Place is fucking terrible, dude. Yeah, I'm going to go to the place with the sweatiest, smelliest people. That's wild. Dude. So... Fucking go. You're going to be racist against white people. Let's go. We're allowed to do...

allowed to do that yeah dude fuck you keep your fucking gyros over there hey your ladies have mustaches what's up with that so anyway they were going to green rooms are hot yeah dude uh and so they were pulling up and then they like well i don't know what happened they got a catastrophic failure on the boat yeah something over there and they're like oh okay you're out there you can't you're not welcome here and then the boat just sank dude everyone on it

not great and so a bunch of people are like drowning or whatever and like no there's no like massive coast guard thing to like hey well let's just save even if we don't want these people here let's save them and put them back let's not let them die meanwhile some dude with an xbox controller is lost by the titanic and everybody's like we gotta do something about this and

Dude, the media just freaked the fuck out about it. What happened? What's going on? And then you find out that thing just... Dude, and people were so mad at me for making fun of them. Hey, if you try to go to space in like a Volvo, if you build a catapult to throw your car into space...

Hey, bro, I'm going to make fun of you when you die. That's crazy that you would do that. It's like that flat earth guy that built a rocket. Remember? So he could look at the earth being flat and then he exploded. Yeah, dog. You're not an engineer. He literally was like, I don't know a lot about math, but I feel like I know a lot about rockets. Yeah.

Hey, what the fuck? That's not how that works. That's a shirt. I don't know much about math, but I know a bunch about rockets. Explosion in the background. That would be the craziest thing I've ever heard. That would be like, I don't know a lot about vaginas, but I know a lot about sex. You're like, what? Hold on. How are you doing it? This makes no sense. Yeah, dude. Wait, what the fuck? Oh, my God. So they had, apparently Submarine had

Carbon fiber that was outdated, the fuel lodge, that's what happened. He bought it on a discount rate because it was- You got to get the discount. He got his submarine from Costco. Nothing like billionaires needing that discount Costco card sub. Dude, no one's cheaper than a rich person. No. No one's cheaper than a rich person. The Boeing, so the owner of the company, they got old Boeing.

Boeing was like, oh, we can't use this anymore. It's too old for our fuel loss. And then they were like, oh, we'll take it at a discounted rate, bought it. And then they're like, now we can go to the sea. Yeah, dude. On old fucking shit with that. They glued titanium hatch to carbon and carbon and titanium don't bond. You have to glue them. And but they expand forever.

from temperature in different ways. So like you're cracking this deal. That's a terrible plan. Then the guy was like, we don't hire submariners or submariners or whatever you call them. Sorry. I don't know. Sorry to everyone in the Navy. I don't know the fuck you guys are up to. And then he's like, because we want to inspire people. We want diversity in the workplace. We don't want a bunch of 50 year old white guys. I'll hire one though. Just hire one.

50-year-old wife that was in a submarine one time, bro. Nah. Did you see they rivet you into the submarine? Yeah. Wait, what? So, to be fair, though, that's not super unusual for some of these old things. Okay, fair. See, I...

I will say that maybe it's not unusual for a submarine, but me as a regular guy who's going to go to the bottom of the ocean. That's fair. No, that's super fair. I need you to get in, and I'm going to rivet you in Formula One style. No, just imagine. I like the imagery because you're like, okay, hey, can you get in? There you go. Hey, sit down right there. And then the glass goes over, and you're like, hey, you're good? You can't hear anything? You're like, I'm still like...

The guy who did it was like, this is safe because we're taking cues from the aeronautics industry. And I saw the video and I was like, okay, that's really interesting. An interesting idea because the aeronautics industry obsessed with safety. Pretty good at it, right? But then he seals you into a tube that is an oxygen-rich environment. The first astronauts to ever die were sealed into a tube that was an oxygen-rich environment.

And they had electronics and of course there's lots of oxygen. So one little spark from their fucking PlayStation controller and they all burned alive. So I was like, dude, you didn't read any dude. I didn't graduate high school. And I know that happened, bro. What the fuck? And you're in the bottom of the ocean in the oxygen rich tube.

Come on, man. I couldn't do it. The ocean, I don't give a shit of going that deep. I like, as a lot of people were saying, they were how many meters deep? Like 4,000. 4,000 meters. Yeah, like just shy of 4,000. Just shy. The Titanic is like 3980 or something crazy. And a military submarine. Military submarine doesn't go lower than like 500 apparently. Yeah, 2,000. That's massive.

Max. Really? Dude, we got some beefy submarines. And they're like, nah, that's too low. And even then, that's like sketchy, right? You don't want to be hanging out down there. That's like max depth. At least that's what people are saying online. I'm sure. Yeah, we have the secret, super secret alien submarine that runs off of magnets or whatever that's down even further. Oh, yeah. It's fucking new. But that's the other crazy thing.

All this time, all this money spent, and the Navy was like, oh, no, we knew they imploded day one, like, immediately. Oh, literally. The Navy was like, we're so sorry. We knew that they exploded. Dude, imagine the Navy, you're like a radar guy, and you're like, hey, the Titanic just exploded. Yeah, yeah. You're just like, what the fuck? You're like, oh.

Yeah, like what? You take your headphones off looking around. Hey, did someone set a firecracker off near the Titanic? What the fuck just happened? Oh no, that was a couple billionaires. Oh, okay, whatever. You see the guy shakes his headset. Puts it back on. I guarantee you it was his four-day weekend. That's why he didn't help anyone. He just clocked out with the band playing video games. Finally, he gets to the surface and they're like, dude, this thing fucking imploded. He's

I wasn't a black cat. Oh, fuck. How much money did we spend? Hey, buddy. Oh, not again. Remember, when you're playing in the summer sun, make sure you're scaped from cubes to bone. That's right. This is a summer to keep your balls cool and looking hot with Manscaped. Hey, Betty, your balls look cool and hot. They are smooth.

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One of the very first radio transmissions as they were descending to see the Titanic was that they were the guy was like, hey, our our TV system is malfunctioning because they have like a thing that is like, welcome to the Titanic and like explaining what's going on, like almost Jurassic Park style. You know what I mean? But it caught on a loop. So it was playing that Celine Dion song and like showing images from the real Titanic and stuff on a loop.

So they died listening to My Heart Will Go On on a loop just trapped in a steel tube with that song playing. They're stabbing to try to make that pressure equalize. They're like, kill him. Just let him go. Have you seen what implosion is like? Dude, it's an instantaneous. That's how I want to die. If I could choose a death, that would be it. Vaporize, dude. Yeah.

It's like an actual, I thought it just like crushed you, but it's an actual explosion. Yeah, an implosion is just another word for explosion too. Plosion is right there. I should have known. Anything with plosion. The amount of times I saw the old Mythbusters clip of where they had the guy in like the old school dive suit.

And they think, they had him super deep and then they tested what would happen if like they changed the pressure and the whole body just sucked into the helmet. Oh, fuck.

Imagine being one of the first guys to dive and you're like helping him and you pull him up and it's just like a little ball of him in the head. You're like, it's just soup. It's not great. That's what happened down in that one oil, the deep, deep refinery where they had to dive in. They would live there for four or five days, a couple of weeks. That's really. And then they would go down and do shit at the bottom sea. So when he came back to the middle ground where they're all like stationed and they live,

um he was supposed to decompress the entire area and there was a malfunction human error didn't seal it all the way so when they opened it everyone died fucking instantaneous that entire rig just gone everything killed yeah what was it i don't know it was like 90s or 2000s dude just yeah just instantly like they're like there's like recreations and everything like that it was like i think what's it called like p pressure or something um psi

There's a word terminology for pressure has to be equal. So that's what happens. It's all the pressure. Yeah. And you have hundreds of millions of pounds of pressure. All that water on you, dude. Yeah. And that's in your pocket. It's like, this isn't equal. How does it get equal? Meat sack. Yeah, dude. Delete everything. I think this is my favorite part of the podcast. When we talk about science that we truly none of us understand. I love it, dude. Throw it on the lab coat. I'm like, PSI is like a million.

Millions of pounds of pressure. There's one dude who understands us and aren't listening right now. Who's like, he's fucking idiots. He's in the comments right now. Yeah, dude. I love that guy. I love that guy. He's educating me. I refuse to be educated, dog. Fuck your education. I will read what you said and it will completely not go in. He's a criminal and we're idiots. That's right, dude. We're not going to learn at this point in our life. It's absolutely real.

So the more, you know, dude, I can't believe. Yeah, they exploded. In other news, Zelda's out. That's pretty cool. I know I got to play Final Fantasy. Oh, it's so good. It

is the pinnacle of gaming, right? It's what I've missed in gaming. Well, so Diablo, there's, we were talking about this before the podcast. Fucking just home run. Dude, we're spoiled for choice this year. New 70s, Cyberpunk coming out? I cannot, I see, so.

So I can never stream cyberpunk ever again because I have put so many mods in that game. There are titties everywhere. Oh yeah. There's just literally, there's just no shirts. I thought you were going to say I accidentally had gay sex on stream and I, now I can never live with myself or something. I modded so much cyberpunk. Every pair of clothing is like sheen, like,

oh yeah this is the future I want to live in yeah I had a Skyrim mod that just put tits on the dragon that's all it did so the dragon showed up and just huge naturals dude 4k like teardrop yeah dude looking great yeah yeah like the crazy anime booby jiggle physics too yeah good of course good I love

And you don't tell them about that one mod everything else is normal and it's not the first dragon It's a little further in the game. No idea the first one's pretty Looking up at it, and they're just You're gonna suspect something if it's like four dragons in and you're like oh

You know, when you get far enough into a relationship with a girl who's not a gamer and she gets to the point where she's now going to watch you play games. She doesn't really understand games, so she's chilling with you. You're playing a regular fantasy game and the dragon has huge natural. Exactly. She's like, what the fuck? That's part

of the game. I don't know. This is most games. Call of Duty loaded with huge naturals, dude. Tits everywhere. Tits, dude. This is the kind of video game you play when I'm not around. Yeah, it's the opposite. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh my God, dude. We're very spoiled with games this year, which is very different from last year. I feel like the last three years, we've had one or two here or there, but there's been so many disappointments and weird things that have happened and just like...

you know misses or games being delayed so i'm stoked on this year dude i don't have time that's you've been fucking working i've been working what are you doing just traveling and doing show i'm just traveling on tour so i'm just like doing i'm traveling like four days a week then i come home and i have to do my podcast for two days and i've got like all this other stuff then you have to like get your life in order then you have to leave for tour again i know dude i'm an adult i know like an adult it's fucking

crazy. Do I have responsibilities? And then I also plan like other stuff. Like I had, I had like three days off and I just decided to spend them here in Texas surfing, which is a thing I never thought I would say out loud. Dude, you were fucking shredding, bro. Dude, I was ripping, bro. I'm so sore. I've never been so sore in my life. One other time I was this sore and it's because I had sex with a French woman. And besides that,

I'm like, I literally like I can't walk. My hip hurts. It's nuts. Rewind why a French woman made you so what? You've never had sex with a French woman before. Maybe. I don't know. Bro, you would know if you had done it. I will tell you this right now. Not French Canadian. I'm talking about that pure real shit. Oh, yeah. Vermont French Canadian. That's all you get. That's all you get. You don't get normal French up in Vermont. Like maybe New York isn't diversity, but Vermont's French Canadian. That is it.

When I was a very young man, a piece of shit, some would say. I was a whippersnapper. You remember MySpace and Kik? Remember these two things? Yes. Wait, Kik? Kik, like, or the text. K-I-K. Oh, my God, yeah. Holy shit. It was the one where old dudes just picked up chicks. T-Mobile side, Kik, baby. And by chicks, I mean children, you sick fucks. Yeah, I mean, people still do that. It's very bad. Don't do that.

Anyway, I was on MySpace and I was like, wait, G-Band, pause it, do a safety message, continue with regular podcast. So when I was on MySpace, I was like 15. Of course, I was like a little weirdo. I had a bunch of tattoos and I was fucking doing, I was up to stuff. I liked Avenged Sevenfold. Ladies love that shit. I liked Avenged Sevenfold, dude. So I met a lot of, but.

Because the social media back then wasn't like for normal people. Right? And so we all had our little weird groups. And so I met all these alternative people from all over the world. And there was this one girl from Paris who was really hot. And she's a French woman. And she spoke English pretty well. And we used to talk. And she had hair and the gothic makeup and whatever. She was much older than me. I didn't realize. I'm like 15. And she's like 20-something. Yeah, yeah. I just feel like she is. What did I say?

I know. Well, but in France, that's like, no, I'm a fully grown man in France. I'm 15, bro. I should be smoking cigarettes and have a job, dog. So I'm fucking, um, we talked for a long time. Then I, I, I like, by the time I was like 20, we were still talking and now she's like much older. Right. And so, um, at this time I'm like a total piece of shit. I'm like a full on criminal. I don't have a lot of money and I'm up to stuff, but she's like, Hey, I'm

We hadn't talked for like, you know how you like not talk to someone for like eight months and all of a sudden they come back. Yeah. I love that. It's fine. Whatever. Do it. Yeah. She comes back. She's like, hey, what's up? Like, how have you been? We start reconnecting. And she's like, hey, I'm actually going to like join the army. I graduated from college. I'm going to be an officer. I'm going to do all this stuff with my life. I want to be a politician. But before I do this, like, I'd really love to meet you. Like, I want like one last like hurrah. Let's come back. Hurrah.

So she's like, if you save some money, I'll also send you some money. And then you fly to Paris for a couple of days before I leave.

So I was like, fuck it, dude. So I say- Wait, you're 15 at this point? No, no, no. I'm 20 now. I'm 20, but I've known her since I was 15. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. You're some grooming first. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm 20 and she's like, I want to say 28 right now. Hey, this story's no longer illegal. Go on. This story's no longer illegal. It's very legal. It started very dangerous and we're moving into a spicy mode. Now we're into, we're Taco Bell mild. So-

She invites me over. So I do this. I don't tell any of my friends because I'm from Utah. If I tell my friends I'm going to France, they'll call me gay. So I can't, you know, I'll get made fun of. It's the early childhood.

It's the early 2000s. I understand. It's a different time. I save up some money. I get a ticket to go to... I've never been somewhere crazy before. So I'm going to Europe for my first time. I fly out there. She picks me up. We just go to a hotel. And for like...

two nights in a day and we just have this like crazy romance where we're like telling each other we love each other. We're fucking so much. You ever fuck so much that you're dehydrated? You're like, I gotta eat peanuts, bro. I gotta eat salt.

I need something. That dehydration. Yeah, it's just that fucking. Clear it, bro. Yeah, dude. Have you ever had like, I don't know if you guys are circumcised. What are you rocking? What are you rocking? Are you pushing aside? I'm like. Yeah, you rocking. What are you, circed? What are you doing? Oh, cut. Gone. Cut. Cut. Yeah. Okay, yeah. All of us were faded. We got the fade. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

My brothers who are uncirc, they don't get that. But like, you ever fuck so hard that later, like the top near your penis is like sore. You're like, what the fuck? Yeah, dude, I got it. Cause we don't have the like thing. Anyway, it doesn't matter. We don't have the sleeve. You get rug burn. Oh yeah, that sensitive touch, man. It's that young sensitive touch. That was the first time. Cause I've only ever been with American women and like, listen, it,

Shouts out to America. There's some women who throw it down in America. Southern women, women from Appalachia, from Alaska, dude. She throws it down. Okay, but like I've been I've been hooking up with like Mormons and fucking women from California. That's bullshit. You're docking. It's a yeah. Yeah, I get to France. I start hooking up with this grown ass woman.

and she it's the first time i'd ever been having sex with someone and i was like oh she is fucking me back yeah yeah like oh oh okay oh shit and so it was crazy dude we were doing all you ever done the amazon i didn't even know that existed till then go on the amazon is when you lay on your back and like your legs are up and then she takes your dick kind of like points it like this way right and then she fucks you so it's almost like pegging but straight

Do you understand what I'm saying? Not that pegging isn't straight. Shouts out to everyone who loves a little butt play. Go crazy. Do what you gotta do, homie. Do what you gotta do, dude. Is she holding your legs? Yeah, like she's in front of me like doing it, but like my dick is like... She's got your shit fucking flat. Kind of flat. I'm like at an angle. I'm like 45 to get... Well, not like that, but you know what I'm talking about. You're at that angle where it's like...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Like when you have a super hard and you're like pushing it down. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So she, and then she does you like, cause your legs are up, dude. Like you're, you got like this situation, right? And then you're pointed. I've never done that. Do you understand what I'm saying? I got it. Well, visually now I'm a hundred percent. She's above you and she's going crazy. I don't like,

I don't like being dominated. She's not dominating you. She looks into your eyes. She tells you she loves you. You're safe, dude. That's what you are. My legs are like this. It's like I'm being wiped. My legs are up like a baby's legs. I'm like, I'm soft now. Not so flaccid pee-pee. I'm incredibly hard, dude. I don't like that at all. I'm just picturing me like that. I'm just like...

I can't talk dirty right now. I can't be like, yeah, you fuck that dick. Fuck me harder. When this woman... Then I feel her hands hold my throat. I'm like...

Listen to me. Don't hold my hand. When a six-foot-tall French woman with a full set of armpit hair takes control, you just go with it. All right. She was six feet tall, too? Yeah, dude. She was tall. She was a big old woman. She was an Amazon woman, dude. But she wasn't dominating you. No, no. It was like a whole thing. It was like a competing thing.

It was a competing thing. You're competing. Hey, hey, hey. Are you okay? I'm fine. Hairy woman. I'm holding you down. Your legs are up in the air. I like a little armpit hair. Your girl would just send it. You're in fucking the guard position and you're winning. No, dude. I'm pulling guard. That's a winning position. I'm throwing an arm bar.

I put her in the triangle, dude. Get it. Anyway, it was very good. We finished the fight. She gave me a blowjob on a balcony. Yeah, dude. I can see the Eiffel Tower while I was coming. Really? Yeah. You kept your eyes open? I kept my eyes open, dude. Was it like this? Yeah.

I saluted, dude. I was like, yeah. You ever try to keep your eyes open while you come, though? Like, that's kind of like... Oh, dude, I always keep... I'm looking, bro. What are you doing? I got to see where I'm aiming. How do you come? I'll fucking...

You just spray and pray. I'm over it. Passing out at that moment? Passing out? Nah, I'm just happy, bro. It's good. I don't care if my eyes are open. I'm already done. I don't need to watch anymore. Do you just leave a mess and then just... Yeah, I leave a mess and I walk away. I'm like, alright, see you tomorrow. No! Well, you close your eyes. Why not? Or I'm looking at him. I'm like, this rocks, dude. Just like when I'm J-O-ing to porn. I'm about to... Eli, say Jack-off.

Say Jack off, Eli. Hold on. I'm closing my eyes. I'm about to bust. You've never been watching porn and then it switches to the bad thing like that. That's when I close my eyes. And then you close your eyes because it ruins it. It ruins it. That's why you're ruining your own orgasm, dude. Look at her. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. See, I keep my eyes open when I'm coming because I got to be able to read my phone. I'm busting and then I'm closing my eyes. I'm not being like, all right, I'm about to bust.

Oh, you bust in the enclosed. I'm just chilling. I'm good. That's weird, man. Oh, that's weird. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're weird, bro. I got to clean up. First thing. I'm like, oh, I look at my fucking prize. Mike, man, I did good. Look at that. Fucking. Oh, you have to. Oh, dude. For real, dude. Hell yeah. And then what is that? Eight, nine ropes. I'm going crazy today, dude. Exactly, dude. That's what's up. And.

And then I get up, go in the bathroom, da-da-da-da. And then I come in, get a cloth and wipe them off. Oh, dude, they love it when you have the cloth. I'm a southern gentleman. I'm glad we're not having a full discussion. I'm going to do something here. Oh, yeah. Go crazy, man. Super excited to do this Sheath ad read today. I'm actually wearing my spare pair. Super comfortable. Are they? Yeah. Eli? Eli? Oh, they do look comfortable.

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I love it. I love it. I love it. Yeah, dude. Cheers to that. Everybody. But Final Fantasy 16 fucking play it. If you haven't, it's bad. He just started. I'm like, what? Three hours in. Yeah, you're you are a hardcore gamer. You come from an old time frame like Xenogears and everything. Oh, I've been playing all of them. One of my favorite games of all time. I know. Dude, where's our remaster? It will not bro. It's a remaster. Come out on switch. Then they do some Xenogears on switch. No, no, no. They got they.

They go to Xeno Saga and stuff. Xeno Blades. That's what it is. Xeno Blades. Xeno Saga. Yes. Xeno Gears was too ahead. It's so ahead of its time. It's still ahead of its time. It's still ahead of its time. It's kind of like if Metal Gear never got traction. It's just the ideas, the concepts, the art, the music. Everything about it is perfect, and people don't appreciate it, and I will kill everybody. Yeah.

You had the same passion as me and I love it. He's just never played it. Dude, it's really never played it. You should try it. You'll love it. I played second disc. It's weird, but I played the one on switch cause you could, I could download it and I'm lazy. That was completely different storylines. Like does he know gears? And it sucks cause it was a wife and husband team and they were like super to max and you got to watch all the BTS and then he killed her. No, no. What the fuck? Why would he do that? Dude,

go close your eyes. And it's, but it sucks. Cause it was competing with final fantasy seven. Yeah. And then American, when the American translation, they got it and they're like, yo, you can't fight God. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's like church and everything in the nineties. They were like, you, we can't make this in America and like switch a lot of stuff. There's a drunk priest with a gun. Hmm.

Oh, yeah. One of my favorite characters, dude. The dad. Because there's Billy and the dad that's the drunk priest with fucking guns. I love any character in a JRPG with a gun. I don't know why. They're always my favorite guys. This is like a martial arts because everything's like, other than the robots, it's weird. Everyone uses swords and everything. Yeah. And then you have giant mechs. And then finally, Billy with his revolvers. Exactly, dude. You have a guy with a whip. Boom.

That's like, yeah, let's bring an American in. Give him, he's a priest with a gun. Oh, tell it, dude. And they're correct. I'm happy with it, dude. I love representation. I'm like a very, I'm a weird guy with a

gun, dude. That's what I'm about. This is what this is about. And then you had religion and then the fault, like them using religion as an entire fake sect to control people. That game was deep for me. That never happens. And then they had, yeah, that never happens. They also had a character that was like Blanca if he had a Gundam.

Oh, yes. Blanca from Street Fighter. I forgot. If he had a Gundam. Yeah, yeah. I can't remember his name. Rico. Yeah, yeah, yeah, dude. We're going nuts over here. I forgot that's the best. He's a green, orange hair. Yeah, he's fucking Blanca from Street Fighter. And then he has a Gundam, dude. It rocks. Dude, and his Gundam is jacked too, dude. Dude, yeah. His Gundam got muscle.

Yeah. He has the biggest one other than saving the purple fucking mat. Dude, I'm going to go replay that, right? I got a Steam Deck. I'm going to go jerk off and play that. You can get it on. You can emulate it on your Steam Deck. Did you get all the figures? Because they just launched. Oh, I saw you sent that. I need to go check that out. I bought all of them. Damn.

Where are you going to put them? Well, you've seen the id one because I got id, the nice one at the house. And on the red id, it's just like sitting there floating. I'm like, oh, so gangster. You'll never be open. Sealed it. Yeah. Which is most weird. This is the first time I've ever got this in a collectible. They sent it. And then I got the stickers in a separate package. Like completely separate. Completely separate. They mailed it differently. I got it a different time. They're like, oh, yeah, we forgot to send these stickers that go on it.

Okay. Interesting. I didn't open either. So I just slid the stickers under. I was like, and that collectible is good. Customer service in Japan is so good. They told on themselves before you had the chance. Yeah. It's like, see what he's like.

dude i think you would be like hand writes my name the fucking guy who works in that factory sent you the box and was asleep that night and just woke up and was like fuck i forgot the stickers and his wife was like what and he was like i've brought incredible dishonor the wife's like i'm gonna get i

It's like old Japanese anime. He's like running to the mailbox, slamming that thing in there to melt it. I'm sorry, I have to leave right now. Some weird American horny guy needs these stickers. Some creepy American guy who definitely is into some weird shit. He's watching right now. He's like, I didn't know. I didn't watch it.

We love you, random Japanese guy. Thank you for those sticks, bro. Shouts out Japan. You guys are awesome. I'll see you in December. Are you going to Japan in December? I'm going to Japan to surf in December. Yeah. Why?

To surf? Yeah. Surfing's best in the winter, but there's a wave pool there, and then also there's good surfing in Japan. And I'm going to go look at the giant Gundam and do all kinds of cool Japanese stuff. Oh, dude, I would love to go to Japan. Dude, it's Christmas? It's going to be before Christmas. That's fine. It's still like that winter time. Yeah, it is tough. My birthday's in December, but I have not bought any tickets yet, so if people are trying to plan a nerd trip...

Dude, we could go to some arcades. We could get crazy. I have time off. November, December. I've been to Japan, so I can walk. Sorry, we're canceling all podcasts for December. We're going to Japan. We'll just do them in Japan. Dude, we could just do live podcasts in Japan. Walking podcast in Tokyo. Can we... Oh, we're all backpacked with cables coming out of it. We're all walking around like this. Like loud fucking dumb tattooed Americans. Oh my God, we're all tattooed. Dude, oh, they would hate us. Oh, yeah. Or love us. Mmm.

They like my Japanese tattoos. They're gonna be what they're gonna see me and they're gonna be like this guy's fucking wild And I'll have a full mullet by then. Oh, are you going a mullet boom? I'm on Kentucky waterfall going You do and you look sexy I would wear your face, bro

I don't like that word back to wear on my face. No, I would be down. Like Japan, it reminds me of what's the Dreamcast game? Shinmue. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's like 80s Shinmue. That's the perfect representation of Japan. You're like, oh, you just walk around. In the wintertime, though, it would be a blast because that's not an experience. Is it cold? Yeah, yeah. Oh, it gets cold there. Dude, I don't know. I don't.

I don't know. Yeah, it gets very cold. It gets very hot and cold. They have crazy snow and shit. Yeah, it'd be beautiful. Oh, because then you, we could get like one of those mountainside places. Oh, dude, we could even go skiing or something crazy. We can go hang out. It'd be awesome. And I hear that like Tokyo in the winter, it's like a vibe. Like it's pretty sick. Dude, Joe, Tokyo and...

so far anytime i'm like yeah yeah yeah you can buy houses out there for a dollar for an entire year because they have abandoned house issues that are extremely far out in the yeah i've been watching i watch these people on youtube these like americans that bought a house and they're like redoing it it's a dollar you buy them for nothing they just say upkeep it dude but how do you you can't live there though how do you own property

You can live there. They're trying to like do something. If you're in the, I think that they're like, hey, listen, if you're foreign, you can live here. Just don't go in the city. Like, yeah, like you can live in the country. Be weird out away from us. Go do your camera things over there. I also think there's a very weird specific thing. And I mean, listen, Japan, I don't know if you're being racist. It seems like you are.

I get it. Low key, you guys are pretty wild about that shit. But I think that you can only go if you're married so that there's no risk of you marrying a Japanese person. I think someone was talking about that on YouTube. I don't know, but he was married and someone was like, how are you getting over here? And he's like, oh, I was already married. And that makes it so much easier to get this process going. No, I'm not going to. Yeah. I don't want any weird American gorillas out there, dude.

I know I looked right at you when I said that. You're like a round eye. I was like, why do you have this motherfucker out here?

It's crazy watching those Japanese videos because it is, it's weird. YouTubers, they'll just go and be like, oh, we got this property for a dollar. Yeah. Yeah. PewDiePie has it. I mean, I was just saying, the whole fucking PewDiePie thing, he's been like, yeah, it turned my life around. Yeah. He's releasing videos saying, I'm finally free of that content creation hell cycle. Yeah, he's just happy. There's a few, like, I'm truly not, there's a few people that do, YouTube's about reconstructing these houses and they're just like, I just live a simple life in the Japanese countryside and like, this is what it's all about.

Dude, that sounds like, as long as I have fiber, like I'm cool with it. Yeah, no, me too, dude. I would live in a van if the internet was good. Yeah. I don't care. I wish I could live in a van. I wish the internet was good. He's not fast enough to do van life. The van life, I think is his name. He's gonna, uh, been talking to him. He lives in it. He's,

Does he have a satellite internet connection? Oh, so then, but then he's like spending apartment money in a van to have fast internet. Well now with a Starlink, it's like 60 bucks or what? How much are you spending in New York? Please tell me about rent. I spent like $8,000 to live in a box. The size of this thing.

It's so funny, dude. It's crazy how expensive it is out there. Dude, the van life is really cool watching that style of content because he does streaming and then his YouTube content, he just goes and finds like haunted places to stay. He's like, yeah, he just pulls up his van, gets out. And I emailed him. I was like, bro, you probably don't get this much, but like fucking kudos on your camera work.

I know no one says anything. He is the guy that will get out, put the camera down, walk all the way back, then drive the van and just to get shot. Oh, yeah. He's got an eye for it. What was that fucking survival TV show? Les Grosman. No, not Les Grosman. Les Trout? Is that what his name is? Les... No. I went straight to fucking... He's the guy that eventually everyone got mad at him because he was like, Bigfoot's real. And people were like, what are you saying? I was like, dude, this guy is spitting. Let's talk about that. Yeah.

What is a survivor man? Survivor man. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think his name's Les Shroud, but I don't know. It could be. It's less something, but that dude was crazy because he did the same thing. It was like set up camera. Yeah. And he's by himself out in the middle of nowhere. He's got like three tripods that he's fucking working with. Yeah. He kills it. It's crazy also to be like, I'm going to survive, but I have to carry this gear. Yeah.

Every time you watch a nature documentary, you're like, dude, the people filming this are like the manliest people. Whoever Bear Grylls' cameraman was, GG's, homie. Did you ever see in Africa when they're photographing the lions and everything eating from the swamps? Like that one dude that's in the swamp just sitting there? Oh, dude, yeah. He's literally like in a ghillie suit like, sure hope they don't notice me. Yeah, dude. And they'll be in the water, Batty, and they're just holding a camera for hours. Yeah.

for shots. Dude, that's so crazy. Nah. I would never do that. It seems ironic for me to be like I was a sniper, but nah. Yeah, I'm good, dude. Waiting for shots. Different kind. It's finally here. Battery dead. Oh, dude. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. The alligators floating by are like, no, no, no, no,

Dude, they got crocodiles up there. That's a different thing entirely. Oh, Japan. I'm down. I'd go back. I mean, we've been talking about going to Japan for... We were going to try in 2021. Yeah, COVID still has weird rules. Well, I think they're good now. There are, but you still have to wear a mask a lot of the times, I think.

I mean, the boys were all just there. I don't remember seeing them wear masks for their shit. Yeah, I saw some people not, but the people I saw were in the countryside and they were surfing. So I don't know. That's always, because even PewDiePie, he just did that. Hey, this is annoying thing. What I love, what I don't love. He's like, cones are everywhere. But also he's about to have a kid and he's only allowed to be in the hospital for two hours during this because of COVID rules.

So he's like, once the kid's born, you only have two hours to be in that room, and then you have to go until the next day.

Just to keep the amount of people in the hospitals low. Yeah, and so the spread of COVID. It's so weird. He's like, I don't know. And then my friends and family spread it. Ginger-vitis. Yeah, ginger-vitis. Hey, Eli. Yes. Do you like shopping online? Yes. Do you like downloading music or videos online? Yes. Do you also watch a lot of porn online? Yes. No. No. Well, you're probably using Cognito mode for all that, right? Yeah.

Yes. It's totally safe. 100% safe. Not at all. What? Incognito mode won't help you at all. You need a VPN. You need ExpressVPN. Do you use ExpressVPN? Of course I do. I never want anyone to see what I'm looking at online. What do you look at online? My favorite thing to watch is...

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They've lightened up on this. We'll find out. We've said a lot of things. This has been a slow one. We've said so many. We've gone from world politics. Get dominated by a French woman. Exactly. Batty comes weird. Batty comes weird. What do you want from me? Final Fantasy 16. Yeah, dude.

Which is amazing. So much tasteful side boob in Final Fantasy 16. Really? So much tasteful side boob. You know what's the most underrated boob? Ironically, I say that. It's under boob. I agree with that. I saw a bunch of under boob on 6th Street in Austin yesterday, and I was like, all right, I see it. I love under boob. I will always say, like Savino, shout out to Sav's under boob. Best under boob in the world. Love is real, dude.

You should do the Amazon, man. Come on. Hold on.

It's my job. Dude, you got the one leg up. You know when you put one of her legs up? Let me stretch my dick out first. It doesn't bend this way. You ever get tangled up and you're kind of scissoring? You know, you're fucking, but one leg is over yours and the other leg is over here. Tangled up. Oh, yeah. That's kind of in the realm of what's going on. Yeah. Except for the power stance she's in. Well, dude.

Listen, I come weird. She's in a power stance here. Bro, don't say she's not. Do not knock it until you've tried it. All right. You know what? Fair. Also, that girl's pussy was from the future. She can do whatever she wants, bro. It was so good. It was crazy. Wait, how did that story end?

Oh, you fell in love. You fucked in front of the Eiffel Tower. We had a French affair. An affair in America is when you cheat or whatever. But in like France or whatever, an affair is just like a whirlwind love thing where you're like in love, but it's only supposed to last so long. That's why it's French or whatever. So we had this thing. We were like in love. We fucked like crazy. We were cuddling. It was very nice. It was like one of the best things ever. And then she was like, bye. I was like, bye. I love you. And I never talked to her again.

Wait, is that a chapter? And that's an amazing chapter. Yeah, dude. I just never talked. I literally like she went off to join the army or whatever and her kick was deleted and MySpace is gone. I just never saw her again.

Wow. She's never reached out to me. I've kind of hoped like as I've gained any kind of notoriety, maybe she would be like, oh shit, this guy, but I'm sure she's like married to some rich guy and like has a successful military career and like it's up to whatever she's up to. Or she's got a photo on your phone. She looks at her and she's in an alternate universe. She is on a podcast right at this moment talking about the American dude that she dominated. No, no, no, no. I lay pipe. You understand? I start crying. I'm like,

We collaborated

And it was great. All right. We explored each other's bodies. I love that idea. She's just like there was an American guy. I wonder what he's doing. If you're listening to this podcast right now, I will go crazy. I will let you fuck me.

Fuck me again. Yeah. It was very cool. Also, just shout out to the older woman, you know, teaching me what's up. MILFs. Yeah, dude. MILFs. They have way more experience. It's so much better just to like... Yeah. She knew what was up. Cut loose. Also, shout out France, dude. You guys are wild. I love how they protest. They're just like, let's light stuff on fire. That's...

America too. We do that here a lot too. Yeah, but they're not doing it. We do bricks and windows and fire. We destroy buildings and everything. I would say we do protesting where we barely break anything. The news says we break everything and then nothing changes. And then in France, they're like, the fire department

departments set themselves on fire and ran into the line of police officers. Like once the farmers protested, like some weird thing about them subsidizing food or making it so they can't grow as much as they want. And they drove hundreds of tractors full of manure and dumped them in front of the French version of the white house so that it like created a giant barricade of literal shit. And they're like, we'll clean it up when you stop fucking around.

Yeah. Yeah. I was like, dude, France is doing it, baby. That's how you do protests though. That's like in my, like that is what you do. It's like, Hey, well they, they have a very, they have a very, when France protests, they go, this is exactly what we want. Give it to us or else. When we protest, we're like, we want,

You have two sides of the spectrum where no one wants the same thing. And also we have no clear goals. No one is like, because in France they're like, this is exactly what I want. This is it right here. Do it. And for all of us, our entire country, every single one of us is kind of like,

I don't know. I kind of, I don't really know what it's like when you're like, you ask someone what they're into for sex and they're like, I like stuff. What are you saying? Yeah, dude. What do you want to eat? That's exactly America is a woman who doesn't know what she wants. Also, as soon as you're like, and then you pick something, you go, okay, we're going to eat Chinese. She goes, I don't

I don't want that. It's like, not that. What? You told me to pick and I picked and now you don't like it? I will freak out.

I just don't want that. That's us. I'll take that one, though. Yeah. Oh, dude. And you're like, that was mine. I'm running into the gas station real quick. Do you want a drink? No. You come back out. He's like, dude, every time, every time. I love to get a drink anyway. And then they're mad at you, but they drink it. You're like, yeah, I thought so, dude. You maniac. Dude, how excited is this?

Are you for the new Lord of the Rings magic? This way, Batty and you can nerd out. I'm sweating right now. Incredibly. So if anyone doesn't know off camera, Eli and I have purchased a few 14 boxes, collector boxes of Magic the Gathering. Collector boxes? All collector boxes. That's the place you're going to pull the rings. What?

So off camera over there, there is currently nine. We're waiting on the other six or so to come in or five more to come in still. Damn. But there's nine boxes within eyesight of me. Your face is sweating. Can we? Oh, you're going to open them on stream probably, huh? We're going to do it. Can we open them and just see if the one ring is any of them?

It was just immediately all over the place. That was just like, God, like, Shane, where'd you get that? You flew here. I picked you up from an air moor. Don't smell it. It wasn't in my butt.

open one right now just one pack we were just like oh bad he's like no i'm sure though i literally i had all the boxes delivered to my house and i brought them here and i was like they need to stay here because i've opened six cases or six boxes of collector boxes myself already yeah yeah yeah looking for any of the serialized rings because i i've pulled four serialized cards from the last couple sets already so i was like yeah

I'm going to hit a ring. Yeah. Maybe not the ring, but I'll hit one of the other serialized rings because there's like, you know, 300, 700, 900 serialized cards. And then there's 3,000, 9,000, 7,000 non-serialized, but still very. We can open one pack a piece, right, Batty? We can open one pack a piece. We can open one pack a piece. I mean, it's constant. You're asking the heroin addict. We can take a hit, right? Yeah, real quick. We're going to.

We're going to do all of it. We have our special guest. Come on. Let's open a pack. I'll make you feel good, dude. Eli, make sure it's one of the... Oh, fuck. Just grab one of the loose boxes. Just...

- I'm getting feeling like it's a wedding, dude. - Which one? - Loose, any loose box. The ones in the packages are the ones from all over the US. No, no, no. - No, loose box. - Loose box, loose box. - We're so excited right now. - So we have six over there that are a case from Texas. - We're gonna open one. - And then we have eight other boxes from around the US, like one from New York, Rhode Island, Florida, Wisconsin, California. - Oh, you're doing it all over the place. - I literally, I fucking hit the spectrum. - Did you get a Canadian box? - No, no.

Because I just got US ones. And I got one from Utah, though. Dude, that's the winner right there, dude. Oh, my fuck. So for everybody listening, fuck.

Fuck you. Yeah, yeah. You don't get to see. We're really doing it, dude. Make sure you crinkle the pack in front of the mic. So I have opened six of these already. That's so nice. I've hit every mythic in the set, though. I have not done the collector's boxes. I have a few that I'm going to open, but I'm mostly going... Oh, by the way, real quick. Big shout out. So...

I don't want that one. Give me a different one. No, fuck you. No, I'm going to let you guys pick. Yeah. Big shout out to a local game store here called GameLot. Me and Eli had ordered a case of these from Washington, and the store canceled our order, and then GameLot here in San Antonio actually gave us a case to open. So big shout out to them.

Oh, my God. You can smell it. This Lord of the Ring is like the biggest set. So they were already getting upcharged on every single thing. This is the one I was actually super excited for. And I think Batty and I know you, you're like the biggest. I mean, look at you fucking tattoo on your goddamn. Lord of the Rings is my shit, bro. I was losing my mind. So now we have a single pack a piece. I'm going to throw up. We're opening the pack now. Audio.

Now what would be crazy is if one of us get the ring. I would run so fast. I would literally... You guys, I just run and you guys are like, what happened? Shane's a criminal. Alright.

Do you still play Magic? Yeah. Yeah, okay. I don't play a lot these days. This is weird, but I'm actually... I have a goal to beat a chess hustler in New York, and so I'm trying to get better at chess. So I'm rated like... Oh, fuck. You should have been here. I'm rated like 1,000, maybe 1,200 right now, and so I'm working on it. We have GM Canty coming in next week. Oh, no way. So Grandmaster Canty, he's one of the top...

Players in the world. He's a grandmaster. Yeah, yeah. That's crazy. To be a grandmaster of chess is like so insane. He plays 30 second games though. That's what's... Blitz chess or whatever. Well, 30 seconds. Like 30 seconds. Like...

Like, what the fuck? I hate when they... Eli, just fucking rip the... It's... What are you doing? No. No, it's not. This one's one of those where it just gets... No, it's not. I promise you. It's one of those. Do I open it? Give me the pack. I got it. Dude, you're a fucking idiot. Even the tokens in this are so sick. I am...

So, if you didn't know, the major hit, if you pull a ring, is going to be the fourth card from the front. So we're all going to, at the same time, we're going to drop cards and see what happens. Oh, yeah. Hey, I got it. It only took the entire project. It's fine. We'll just wait on fucking Eli. Also, foil token. That's fun for you. Oh, yeah. I have a...

Lot of tokens right now. I've opened a lot of packs what I'm doing is 12 friends Was it 12 for I think 12 packs per box? I'm moving six boxes. So yeah, I got like all foil hot just Eli I swear to God I'm gonna come over there. I'm gonna fucking skull fuck you. Hey, we got it. See dude He's been waiting any excuse to get inside Eli's mouth Okay, we did it let's go I got a rock

Oh yeah, good for you man. That's your token. You can just put that on the table. That doesn't matter. Dude. Inherited envelope. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Eli's going nuts with it. Okay, what are we doing? We're going one at a time. The ring will be the fourth card from the top. Okay. If you have one. Boom. All right. We got one. One. Okay. Okay. And an envelope. Perfect. Two. Those ones. Boom. All right. All right. All right.

Nothing. Oh, dude. I still felt it. The fourth card. The last common will be the ring slot. So now that I've pulled anything great. And after that, you can just kind of jump. Well, no, I got Eowyn. That's fun. Okay. Okay. I got an island. And then I got Eowyn, mortal queen. Oh, dude. Is this one good? I didn't pull anything good.

It's a mythic, so it's a hit, but I wouldn't say it's crazy. Here's my thing. I just look at this and I go, it's all good, baby. What are you talking about? Okay, I've also opened 500. I got the Ring Goes South. I got Mirkwood Bats. This is actually a really fun card. It's a common. I have Mirkwood Bats also. It's a great common. It's freaking bats. Have you seen, there's a card called, oh my God, what is it called? Orcish Bowman. That's causing just waves. Minas Tirith?

And then I got a spiteful banditry.

Dude, this is great. I fucking love this set. There's a card called Orcish Bow. Are you going to keep those? What? Oh my God. Unless it was the ring. Then I would have bought it. This podcast was never going to be unsubbed fights to the death live. You're like, I opened it though. You gave this to me. This is mine. What am I? Open the ring. Possessions, not intestines. I just ate it immediately, dude. You're on camera.

I would have been a snuff film so quick. I would just grab it and hold the Diet Coke over it. No one fucking move. Everyone be cool. Step away. Step the fuck away. I was telling Eli if I pulled the One Ring, I would put it in an unsleeved deck and I would play with it live on stream every day until someone gave me a bounty of $10 million. Just riffle shuffling? Yeah, dude. I would do the...

bad, dude. There's a couple people that still do it. They have their old decks, like their alpha and beta decks, and they just unsleeved and they're just shuffling cards. One of the cool things about New York is you can play any, like, for gaming, anything you like is happening. What in the world, I know

no, you're a heroine. We can do this. This is called content. And you all have no idea what's going on. Eli just handed me another pack. There are people who play Alpha in New York though and they play Unsleeved because it's like this is how we played back then.

Oh my God. And it's kind of wild, but their thing is like, I'm never going to sell my cards and I'm going to use them until they're destroyed. And then my life is going to end. And so are these cards. And I'm okay with that. Yeah. And it's kind of like, I get it, but also damn son. Yeah. That's okay. That's going to be, that's it. We can put the heroin away. I mean the, the heroin, we'll just,

But it's also they're all like old like they're not who you expect. They're all like 50, 40 year old like weird Italian guys who are like like union workers that play magic. Like that's who played magic in the 90s. You know, come on. Give me the black. Yeah. I'm over here with my black. All right. Okay, Batty. What do we got? One, two, three, four. Four cars on the top. So one, one, two, three, four.

Dude, I got this lame Frodo Baggins. Oh, Grimma, that's a good one. Then you're just looking for Mythics or a card called Orcish Bowman. What is Orcish? Orcish Bowman is a rare and it's the most expensive card in the set. Oh, wow. Well, besides the One Ring. Yeah. So the One Ring, there's the non-serialized versions of the One Ring. Yeah. And that's the second most expensive card in the set.

Okay. To the rare... I pulled Sauron, though. Lord of the Rings. Oh, hell yeah. You got Sauron? Yeah. Wait, what? I got Smaug also, but he's only a common. It's a token. Or token, yeah. You're right. That's really annoying. They made a... Call of the Rings. Sauron. It's a saga card that goes in... I didn't look at spoilers.

I have no idea what's in the set. So when I go to... When I'm unboxing now, I'm discovering and looking at the art and the rules for the first time. When I build my cube, which for those of you who don't know, I bought several cases and they're just at home. I'm going to open them. I'm building a full cube for the Lord of the Rings set. Just explain what a cube is. For those of you who don't know, a cube is like the best way, in my opinion, to play Magic. Some people disagree. It's to draft.

which is where you all open packs and you pass them around and you build the deck willy-nilly out of 40 cards or whatever. And so a cube is when you don't want to have to buy cards over and over again. So what you do is you recreate opening those packs by having a full collection of all the cards that you can then randomize and make your own fake booster packs. And then you open them.

huge quotation marks around open and then you pass them around and you can draft infinitely forever and it's very cool. And so that's what I'm up to with the Lord of the Rings set, but I don't know the rules like I want to. I'm never going to look up strategies and stuff. Yeah, I'm just going to play like I'm going to go on. I'm also dude. I'm so scared about how much money I'll spend on magic arena.

I'm so glad I don't fuck with arena. Dude, I have, I had an arena account. I had like an alpha invite and I've been playing the whole time in my accounts too old and good now. And I have to keep playing. I just play the sets I like and I draft, but damn dude, I, you can drop some coin on there. New video. You drop money. It's crazy how fast you can spend money on things. It's like, this doesn't help much or it's just cause cosmetics even right now. Like Diablo, there was that one horse can. I was like,

Oh, dude. Yeah. No, it's crazy, dude. There are guys who go who like lose their marriage over Clash of Clans, bro. Like people go nuts. I had a buddy who spent like 40 grand on Clash of Clans. No. And I don't know why. I think back in the day I spent like

200 bucks on classic lands and I was like I can't believe I've done this but if you okay but I will say for a mobile game if you play like hundreds of hours over the course of a year whatever like that's a hobby it makes sense it's cheaper than golf yeah or whatever but there are people who like ruin their lives thousands of dollars that one dude who spent six hundred thousand dollars on Diablo Immortal

Oh, yes. Holy shit. What are you doing, man? 600,000 to have what? That's the same where it's like one season, right? Okay, hold on. Actually, now in his defense, he could have spent that to go look at the Titanic and die. So, yeah, pretty good investment when you think about it. Oh, my God. There are worse ways to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars. I know this is completely off topic, bro. Did you hear about the YouTuber?

That was supposed to be on that shuttle. No. I can't remember his name. But he was there. He went into the submersible.

And he's got videos of him on it recording like, whoa, we're in it. And they had an issue with something once. So they pulled it out. And the second time he was supposed to go down, weather was bad. So like, never mind. Canceled it. The next trip that went down, he was supposed to be a part of it. And he ended up not going. Yeah. And that was the one that exploded. Oh, my God. So he was probably like.

Versus the billionaire son who was out at a concert. Oh, dude, that guy. Blink-182, baby. It's Blink-182, bro. I would have been there, too. It's so crazy to post it. Hey, dog, just go, dude. What are you doing? Did you see the next post he was making? Oh, yeah. He's out of his mind.

Wait, what was the next post? Oh, there was like an OnlyFans girl that was like, would you take me on a date? And he reached me and he was like, would love a chance or some shit. Oh, that was like on my face or something. I think that was the one. I seen that one. It's like, you're like, bro, you're just no read the room. Dude, I think Cardi B was like cooking him on the internet, bro. She was at Cardi B's coming at you.

Oh, dude, when Cardi lights you up. Dude, if Cardi said bad things about me, I would just be like, I love you. We've talked to me, dude. You're so fun. I feel bad because, like, he posted, like, a rebuttal to Cardi B. What are you doing? And it's so, like, here...

I don't know if he's all there. No, he's a billionaire's son, dude. Something's wrong. At that point, you know this kid has not had any recourse or repercussions or just, hey, this is common human decency. He doesn't understand adversity in any sense of the word. I know people who grew up upper middle class that don't understand adversity, let alone a billionaire's son, dude. And where you're just, your family's probably dead and you're like,

Your mind is like, I'll go to this concert and then I'm going to take a photo. Yeah. And then I'm going to post it on the internet. And people will get it and they will like it. Yeah. It's totally going to land. And I'll have a smile on. Yeah. You're like broke. It's so crazy. Of all the things you could have done, this is the option. Okay. Here we are. Okay. So he does have Asperger's. Okay. Okay. Oh, he has the tism?

I heard him talk and I was like, ah, but I just... He's also 36. What? And he looks like that?

That's crazy, dude. Ryan, 36. I'm 36. What the fuck? He's a billionaire. Oh, dude. That's crazy. I also heard he was harassing... He DMs and harasses EDM female DJs or whatever. What's he saying? I don't know. He's in the DM saying some wild shit like, show me your butthole for $100 or whatever. Dude, I had a guy DM me and he was like, hey, no offense, but I really want to see your penis if I could pay...

No offense. We've all had this, right? Oh, yeah. And so which is cool. Like, dude, honestly, flattering. If I was a gay guy, I might send it like, you know, whatever. It's like it's dude to dude. Can I see your dick? Yeah. But he was like, I'll pay you. And like, that's not offensive in any way, shape or form. But then he was like, what do you feel like? Twenty five dollars a pick. What, son? My dick is twenty five dollars. Oh, my God. That's crazy. That's like high quality. Man.

Yeah, dude. That's like you're paying nothing at that point. That's like you're like, I don't know. It's rude. It's rude. Exactly. It's disrespectful. That's like $20 an inch. What? That makes no sense. What?

What? Why are we laughing? How big are your guys' dicks? What? I'd owe money. Wait, you want to pay me? Oh, fuck. I'm in debt. I'm in negative money, bro. Fuck. Damn, my credit's going down. Oh, my God. Here's my thing. Sending my dick is like, I have tattoos near it, so there's no way for me to really send it without outing my... Yeah, even your hands, though. You're at that point where you're like...

do you hold your dick when you have hand tattoos? That's how Riff Raff got caught in a sex tape because people were like, hey, those are his hand tattoos holding that dick. So anyway, shout out Riff Raff. You rock. Yeah. Nice dick. Yeah, dude. Nice dick, bro. For real. Nice cock. But I was like, here's the thing. If I wish people wanted to see my butt

hole because I could get a photo that could be anyone's butthole. You know, I could even Google someone else's butthole and send it. Oh my God. It's he is the thing. If I was a regular guy, I could Google someone else. I could just I could just Google nice white penis, you know, and then I would uncircumcised professional question mark and then I would have a professional

Yeah, you know, you want a good one. Lighting's like soft lighting. Yeah, you want to get trimmed up. Like a little edge light. Yeah, yeah. Like a little rim light on the side. You wanted it faded out and all perfectly done. You know, I don't want none of this like rush. A little bonsai tree in the background. Exactly, dude. I don't want a Montana rush job, as they say. It's on a Spieltree journey. You're giving it a story. Dude, I don't want the super cut circumcision. I'm not trying. I'm trying to get there.

That's a cricket circuit. Yeah, dude. I'm not trying to do that, man. Holy shit, man. And then I send that photo, and now I'm making money, you know? And then they out me what? They're like, oh, hey. They're on Instagram. Shane sent my penis. Look at it or whatever. But it's like, you guys got, son. I'm rich. That's not even my penis, bro. Yeah.

But now I can't stand my dick because people would be like, oh, yeah, that's Shane. That's Shane's dick. Hey, that's his stupid. Oh, is that Darth Vader on his hand and his penis? Yeah, that's him right there. I feel bad. Our buddy Kings, he's another streamer that I game with all the time. We did a charity event way back a couple years back, and it was for his penis or penis.

We're getting to that part. Let's just calm down. Okay, okay. I'm close though. It was like Toys for Tots. We were raising money for kids. And one of us was going to have to get a weird tattoo or something if one of us raised more. That makes sense. I raised more than him. So you had to get my logo, which is my face, tattooed on his hand. No. So he has my face. And it's like your Darth Vader. It's Goku, but his face. It's my whole. That's wild. And he's right-handed.

No. So he's coming harder than ever. Sam!

Oh, when he shoots up and rolls down, it's just sad. It's like a cry. Oh, my God. How you doing, buddy? My favorite part of the other best part of the story is he hates feet. He's one of those guys that disgust him. Oh, dude, he has reverse foot fetish. Yes. It's almost worth it. I got his little tattooed on top of my ankle. So whenever we're talking about it, I have to take a picture of my foot beside him. It's like, get his ass.

how are you that weird about feet they're on you bro you have the feet man you got everybody's got feet does his feet weird him out i don't know that dude i wish i was in a feet i'm gonna text him right now i'm actually wondering what makes you disgusted by feet because it's the same wire we discussed it it's easily crossed it's real it's right next to your sexual yeah yeah you know that yeah i do trust me i looked into it because i wanted to have a foot but it has to that wire has to cross and then you're just like i fucking want to come

to come on them toes. Yeah, dude. I just text them. I ask them, do you hate your own feet? I don't have a foot fetish, but I will say I've been in love with a girl before. When I was in love, I was like, all right, I could see how I could be into your feet. You know, because your brain is making all the chemicals. But it's not just the feet. No, no, no. It's like a whole foot. Yeah, yeah. Like if she's got her feet. I'd make out with your elbow right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll put your foot in my mouth while I fuck you. Let's go. The whole thing. Just walk. I just said this

9,000 on her foot. Dude. We're not flossing her toes is what I'm getting. That's the next different. That's the next level of Amazon. If she's fucking you and then she gets your foot in her mouth. That's the next level. I need you to suck my toes. That's the snoo snoo. Yeah, dude. Make it happen. That's the way to go. You're still not dominating. Your foot's in her mouth? Yeah, exactly. No, you're still. No, you're less dominating. No, I don't think so. Because she's sucking on your toes while you're bent. Like,

But I like it. But I like it. I'm the winner here. That's what I'm saying, dude. Why are y'all judgmental? I thought unsub was unjudgmental. Yeah, dude. You guys just hating on my fucking dick skill. On my dick skill. That's right. You got great dick skill, bro. Thank you. Tell your homies they got great dick skill. That's exactly, dude. Compliment your friend's penises wherever. The urinal at the...

Podcast table, wherever. And then also, you know, just gas up your man. Yeah, shoot him a text. Shoot your buddies a text. Say, hey, nice dick, thinking about it. Yeah, dude. Just get that going right now. Everyone pause the podcast, text your friend, go, hey, bro, I bet you have a nice dick.

Yeah, nice dick, bro. I bet it's thick. Send it to your dad. Yeah, dude, tell him. Hey, dad, I love my penis, so you're probably rocking something good, and I appreciate that. Dad, I'm in debt. What the fuck? What if your dad, what if he texts your dad, like, I have a nice dick, and thank you for passing that down? He goes, you absolutely got your dick from your mother. Oh, shit. Oh, fuck! He just sends one back. Yeah, yeah, dude. He's like, wasn't me, bro. Wasn't me. That's on your mother's side. That was the mailman face. Yeah, yeah.

I will say if you're going to Amazon, you do want to be working with a little length. You know, you can't have, you can't, you know, you got a big amount. Is this like a slight, like a little flex? A little flex. Okay. You guys have like one or two ladies that watch this, right? Gas up your own dick, bro. One or two. That is literally my podcast. I'm like, he DMs me every time we record. He's like, hello.

I love the bottom. Like, thank you for your support. We need you. You are the demographic. Yeah. There's just one YouTube. Yeah. It's just like that slice of the pie. It's like one dude. My mother does the demographic that listens to the podcast is just like dudes who are into trains and guys who want to send me videos of their war hammer models. Oh,

Straight up, man. I just like dudes that are into trains. Yeah, dude. Dudes who are way... They have train-tism. Train-tism? Yeah, yeah. So they're like pretty high functioning, but they're weird, dude. But they like trains a lot. They're way into trains. A lot. Yeah, yeah. Who's that TikTok guy that did the 360 cam? Yeah, he was super into it. I think he got a TV show, didn't he? Good for him, dude. He's British, right? Yeah. That's actually not a 360 cam. That's just what they look like over there. Yeah.

That's just a regular front-mounted camera. Yeah, dude, that's a realistic camera. Yeah, dude, that's just what British people look like, bro. You didn't know? I wondered if that guy had that camera. He's like, this is hilarious. Or he's like, this is a cool angle. I want to know. He genuinely thought it was a cool angle because he wanted the whole train. He's genuinely into trains. His eyes are just like. Dude, I got way into ASMR train videos. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Are you the train guy? Are you talking about your own demographic? You know I have a little bit of trainism. First off, I hate that I admit that I loved trains growing up. I built trains. You would have the bridges on these little locomotive trains, and you would add more carts so it would struggle getting up the hill, and it would shoot sparks at the back so you had to crank it up. It would be like...

Just Mark and that sounds so fun, dude. Literally, I'm like, that sounds awesome. That sounds so cool. I'm sorry, man. One of my cousins was obsessed with trains growing up. I didn't.

George, I'm sorry, bro. I thought it was the stupidest fucking thing in the world. No way. You don't think if you came into a room and there was a giant train set going around, you wouldn't be like, I got to check all this out. I got to see what's going on. And you wait by one spot. It could take two hours. You're going to wait there for that. Like, ding, ding, ding, ding. Fuck, the cars are stopping. And then it was. Okay, imagine a Warhammer train.

Yeah, dude. It's going around. There's all orcs on it and shit. It looks all cool. But that's the miniatures that got me, not the train. I don't give a fuck about the train. Shane's like, what about a Warhammer? It's like, Shane, that's just an Amtrak with orcs on it and space marines. You changed nothing. Dude, Warhammer is just trains, bro. It's just trains for other types of dudes. It's just a Warhammer train, bro. But yeah, the ASMR train videos, they're good. You watch it and it's just like a train that goes like...

through Norway for eight hours. Wait, oh. Yeah. Why is it eight hours? Because that's how long the actual train ride takes. Do you watch the entire... Well, I do. Like, I have it on while I do other stuff. Like, most people listen to podcasts. Yeah, dude. I'm watching the train. And then there's this guy that he goes on, like, these... So, apparently, it's legal...

What, dude? Best train ASMR 2022. That's what you're putting on at the gym? Our podcast demographic is people who like trains and warhammer pictures. That was awfully specific. It's you, the guy who likes trains.

Dude, I'm straight up. I'm on there. You're reviewing this? I'm commenting on it. Yeah, dude. I'm like gassing him up. I'm like, keep coming, bro. I love you. Because not a lot of people are watching him. So I got to gass him up to like him. Yo, skip the 43-12. Fucking sick, bro. He goes over a bridge. Stay motivated. When you hit the Swiss liner, that one's going to pop. That's the video that goes viral. That one's going to pop.

That's the video that goes viral. Anyone else hold their breath at 1246 when it went through a tunnel? Question mark. Are you like this? I do that. I'm like, I wonder if I can make it. Hold my breath. I do make it a lot of the time. I'm very strong. I'm glad I'm not the only one that still does that as an adult. Yeah, dude. Tunnel.

Did it that? And then if I go over a cattle guard, I touch the ceiling every time, dude. Okay, you know, in all fairness, because you two are fucking dumb. I love this. Yeah. I also, the other day, I literally had to admit to my girlfriend as we were walking out of Target, every time the automatic doors open, I still have to go, Eddie. I still do the Jedi thing where I'm like, yeah, open the door. Yeah, Eddie. I have to like stop myself. I'm like, no, there's people. So, okay. Oh, I think those are those things. It's like elevators. You're like,

stop lights i'm like got it yeah they're just guy things like they're just they're just we're just some silly goofy guys bro you know what my favorite thing to do is is in new york when the light goes green the second it goes green to just lay on your horn bro like they're not going back like what the hell just turned green bro like you time hits on

They're already leaning out. Yeah, yeah. They're confused. They don't even get mad. They're just like, what are you doing? Why are you like this? Yeah, man, I love that. It's a good move.

Oh, my God. Fucking trains, huh? Yeah, bro. And then there's this dude who apparently in the United States, it's legal. You can buy and refurbish an old train car, and you're legally allowed to drive it on tracks, like their public domain somehow. You can't interfere with...

like Amtrak and stuff, but you are allowed to train around. That's a real thing. You can privately train around the United States and Canada, I think. So people will refurbish like train cars from the 70s that are like...

like casinos and shit from back in the day when trains were like the way, and you can pay to ride them. And like, wait, if I own one, I just have to be able to communicate with other. You just communicate to the train people. And then you can like make your own schedule and like train around. Yeah. Yeah.

Just train her up, bro. You can refurbish an engine, get a casino car or an unsubbed podcast car, and then just train up to Alaska and travel around. It's beautiful. It's like a crazy adventure, dude. Bro, I know how to make Shane shit himself. Like, meet here. He's just standing. He's like, this is a weird train station. I'm so scared. He's got a big pair of tits on the front. He's all like...

Fucking space marines glued to the side. Life-size ones. More like, did I die? We have a podcast to build. Get in, buddy. More like Thomas the crank engine. Am I right, you guys? And you know what? I think that's...

I think that's the part. Thank you for watching this podcast. As always, Eli, Double Tap, myself, Batty Street, and Shadesmith are one of the most powerful, strong, beautiful, just the best guests ever. I love you guys so much. Tell us where we can find you doing your thing and stuff. So I'm Shadowser online everywhere. You can find me. I'm mostly active on Instagram these days because I'm trying to get off social media some more, bro. It's bad for your health. It's real bad. Except for when you watch us. That's great, and you should keep doing that. Very good social media.

And then I Shane Smith comedy dot com. I'm touring right now. If you're listening to this and you're in England, I didn't mean any of the bad stuff I said about British people. I'm going

I'm going to be touring there. It's going to be great, dude. I'm going to get in so much trouble for talking about the queen or the king or whoever. Dude, I'm going to go to Ireland. Shout out to the IRA. I love what you guys are up to. We're just like, how do we get this started off? I love your hats. I love your masks. I like your whole vibe. People in England, I didn't mean that. It's a real joke. I'll see all of you in September. And then I'm going to be in Minneapolis and freaking Vegas and Portland. I'm going to be all over the place.

But you have a podcast. Oh, yeah. I have a podcast. I forgot. I'm so busy doing your podcast. I forgot my podcast. I have a podcast called Cowboy Boys. And it's just me and my friend. And it's just us talking about our penises a lot.

In trains. A lot of train talk. And that's it, dude. Thank you for watching. We'll be on the after show where we're going to talk more about Shane's penis. See you on Patreon. Bye.