107 - Friendly Fire ft. Jack Mandaville & Uncle Lazer 01:35:21

- Sorry. - And then I'm here recording it. This is really, really good. - Sorry.

Batty was just saying a bunch of words we had to give it up for. Hey Eli. Yeah? I'm Wolverine again.

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I'm Baraka. Baraka? Our president? No. Baraka. From Mortal Kombat? The single blade arm guy? You have no idea who I'm talking about? He's the... He's the guy with the mouth that's all... All the teeth. And then he has the two blades that come out his arms. Oh, wait, wait. We gotta pop a top. No, not yet.

Not yet. Sorry. Sorry. Eli has one drink. Forget everything we do here. Well, I'm going to do whatever you're doing. I'm going to do what the fuck I want. We got Mr. Jack. We got Dr. Laser. We have now upgraded him to a doctor. He's a doctor now. That was a knight, a sir. Yeah, he was a sir. And we're like, Dr. Laser. I love that we have to look like we're Lady and the Tramp for this whole podcast. As the spaghetti gets a little closer, you know?

For the last 30 minutes, we're just going to make out. Well, I just had an outbreak recently, so don't get too close. So, yeah, don't let your noodle touch my noodle. 30 measures. We're like, by the way, these two are gay and happy together. This is how we announce your relationship. If you just see this throughout the show, don't worry about it. Don't ask questions. We won't tell. Can I sit in the middle? You're from Vermont. We could do a ski trip. I remember.

Bernie Sanders or something. I'm just over here giving a breakdown of the bukkake that's going down. Okay. Now, Dr. Lee's going to jerk off Jack Mandeville and Batty's going to catch that in his beard. Now, Eli, I didn't tell you the entire last podcast, but you have something in your teeth right here, bubs. Yeah.

The entire time. I'm glad. Thank you for... Thank you. I know. I just... I figured I'd let one slob and not the second one. In the comments below, if you watched the last podcast, could you guys... Got it. Got it. In the comments below, let us know when you noticed the... In the IC. Thank you. Yeah. Daddy, so last time isn't going to be embarrassing. Your face. Guys, in the comments below, if you noticed my face, let me know when it really offended you. Do we got it?

You stay longer. What is that sound? There's dogs everywhere screeching. Welcome to the audience. I'm myself, Matty Screams, and our two beautiful, powerful, strong, sexy, look at that mustache, Jack Mandeville, and of course, Sir Doctor Uncle Laser. Do you want Mama's Boy me or Mimi? I want Jack. Oh, okay. Let's just do it.

Okay, now this is what the audience curve did. It was like, and up? The retention just went up? Dude, yeah, we look like Piglet. Let's roll them. Let's roll those chests right now. That's it, baby. Okay, so if y'all are out, this is Triforce from Zelda.

The Earthstone, Powerstone, Waterstone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So just- I live at the health bar. Hold on. You have a choice. Yeah. Why here? And in the middle is the eye of truth that bleeds from the back of the dollar bill, the annular coup or whatever. It would have been way better if it was a swastika. Whoa. And we're good. So we're back on the podcast right now. I just like the idea. No. What do you mean you like? No.

Whoa, dude. No. Slippery slope. Do you have any tattoos? No. Stop this. We're going back on the Triforce. If he's like, this is my Triforce tattoo. What's the swastika in the middle? And you're like, what? Are you trying to throw it off the mic? I'm like, wait, but why? And you're like, what are you talking about? Yeah. I'm like, well, I'm confused about the nerd shit around the not nerd shit. You're like,

Bro, it's not cool. I like Legend of Zelda, man. I like Legend of Zelda. I'm just into that video game. I'm just really into Indian mythology, you know? Yeah, Indian mythology. It's not a fucking swastika. It's not like the German kind. It's the Indian kind. Yeah, it's the good one. This is based off of Buddhism. But what's it represent? It's something that has to do with peace. Yeah, peace and tranquility. Yeah, which is very ironic that the, you know, that Arab Germans adopted that.

As the non-white person at the stable, I can talk about it with no repercussion. We are all pretty white. As I look over to the pink skin, the pigs next to me. I'm from Minnesota. I'm from Minnesota. I got a little color in fucking Arizona. I mean, come on, boy. Dude, you got a triforce, though, though. Hold my hand right up here. One of them green mountain boys. Jack, you're just naked right now. Pretty much, yeah.

I think I have the closest tattoo there is to a swastika, actually. What is it? Kurt Vonnegut's butthole. I don't know how this works. Look at the jorts. The jorts are money. Can I stand? Yeah, you can stand on that chair. Look at this. So close to a swastika jacket. Yeah.

My favorite writer is Kurt Vonnegut, and he used to doodle buttholes, so I got his butthole doodle tattooed on me. Okay, I got this. Okay, first off, this is the first story we're going with because I know you all out there want to know this story. And I'm sure Dr. Uncle Lazer hasn't heard this story yet. Sir, you've heard of the sir? Sir, Dr. Uncle. Sir, Dr. Uncle Lazer.

Jack got shot in basic training. Well, yes. Yeah. I didn't know that. Jack got shot, and I quote, in basic training. So when you join the military and you go to Marine school to become a fantastic Marine, very sexy, powerful Marine. Well, let's face it, ex-Marine. He is.

- I have a purple heart when I got shot. - Yep. - Jack has no purple heart. - You don't get that in basic training? - No, they don't give purple hearts for stateside accidental discharges. - Oh, you shot yourself? - No, no, no. - Oh, someone shot you? Okay, okay, okay. Jack, go on. - Oh man, well, you know, the year was 2002. I was a young boy, 19, ripe, fresh, pink.

Fresh into the Marine Corps. And what happened was, now it wasn't basic training. It was SOI. It's the first thing out of it. It's pretty much basic training. It's your OSA, your A school, your whatever they're called through Navy, Army, Marines. Yeah, it's the first thing you do outside of boot camp. You're still basically in boot camp. And we, you know.

Totally makes sense that you'd have like, now this was back in the days, these SOI instructors now are, it's considered a B-bill. It's a coveted thing. It's good for career advancement. But back then, it's like, you got six months left and we hate you. Go babysit these privates. And I was one of those privates and there was 500 of us and about six of them. This is the most shitbag, this is the most shitbag leadership that we're sending to B-drill instructors. Yeah. So it's not like...

And now in that army and everything, you still had more higher class drill instructors, teachers. Marines apparently in 2002 did not feel that way. The drill instructors were well-trained. The SOI instructors were not. Again, they were like, I got six months on this bitch. I'm out of here. They're just going to hire a janitor. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And so they...

It was our first time using the squad automatic weapon. And it was a rainy day like this. Love it. And we were out there doing what's called squad rushes all day, you know, because evidently we were training for the Russian invasion during the middle of the global war on terrorism. And we were doing these squad rushes.

And just all day long, and a bunch of little baby privates, 19-year-olds, using this weapon for the first time. And this is a Friday, and it's the first weekend off we'll ever get. So we're all excited to rush home with these weapons and clean them up, check them into the armory, and go out for the weekend. Yep. And so we get back to the armory, and we're...

We're cleaning these things as fast as possible. - Wait, you were inside at this point, not out in the-- - Nope, not even out in the shit. - I don't know anything about this story. I've heard it happen, but I know nothing, so this is-- - Back in the armory, undercover, and we are-- - He is the regular--

The rain has fallen. The guns have been shot. They've road marched back. Covered in mud. Covered in mud. These are hardened veterans, privates. They've never seen combat. They've placed their weapons down. Well, I was a veteran of boot camp at that point. Exactly. As we all are. Cheers to my...

They've never been given about five minutes of instruction on how to clear these fucking things. That is a very accurate. You're not exaggerating. Hey, fucking rack it. It is good. Clean the shit. Don't look at it when you open it. Yeah, you're good.

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And that's precisely what happened. I was scrubbing the barrel. I was taking the front. Okay. And there was another Marine on the back. Okay. It's teamwork. Yes, teamwork. So he was taking the buttstock off is what it's literally called. And when he set the weapon down, it sent the charging handle forward. There happened to be a round lodged up in the chamber. And oh, a little PFC Manneville will just stand there. Ah! Ah!

Sergeant! Sergeant! Do I have permission to bleed? Yeah. And took a bullet in my arm. And of course, these guys, no one is expecting that. So I just remember that one of the instructors runs up, grabs my arm, and the other one's getting there at the same time. He's like, what happened, dude? I don't know. They're like having a conversation with each other, tugging my armor. I'm like, I'm okay, Sergeant. And yeah.

And you know, like they were so concerned about how they, even in the moment, they weren't even concerned about whether I was okay. I was like, oh fuck, we're fucked, dude. This round made it back. This is when rotting off the range was like this, you're good.

Remember clearing barrels? Remember that? Oh, yeah, yeah. So Dr. Laser might not know clearing barrels at the range. When you shoot and do a range day, especially in basic training, you have to walk up to your NCO, which is a sergeant or anyone. You show them your gun with it locked back. They have to then present a

rod that they put down the barrel kicks out any rods and like you're clear. Now what happens when you have shit bags running in the range you're like yeah I don't give a fuck and it's rainy. Yeah. Then you're trying to get inside. Yeah. You're walking up with the gun like we don't give a fuck private you're clear you're clear. Did you clear it? Yeah. Then go inside. Why are you still standing out here? Yeah. Then old private Jack Mandeville sent gun down stands in front of it homeboy closes it sends

Sends the bolt back forward. And it just, boom. Yeah. Point blank range hit me right here. It's still there. It's still there. It's still blue. Yeah, nice little scar there. That's when they burnt cigarettes out on me right there. That's a whole different story, yeah. You know what the best part is, is...

Like years later, I dated a woman who worked for the president of the United States of America. So I'd be at a White House function and it'd be all these like D.C. You know, it's a terrible culture, but all these highfalutin D.C. types, you know, where they like to parade veterans around. And she'd always put me in those spots. She'd, you know, to like these like chiefs of staff of congressmen. And she'd be like, Jack got shot in the military. And then she'd walk away. I'm like, well...

It wasn't overseas, really. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah, yeah. I got shot inside on basic training. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And yeah, I mean, that was at the beginning of the war. By the end of my enlistment, like if you looked at our battalion parking lot, it was like nothing but Purple Heart license plates and shit like that. And then there was me, the guy that got shot. What happened to the guy that shot you?

Nothing. They just got to let that slide. He got a metal. He got a purple heart. He got a purple heart. For his PTSD, obviously, from shooting a friend. EIB. It just goes to the back. And the best part is, I was there for the invasion of Iraq. I know, you were there. I went to the invasion of Iraq. I still had sutures in me. I couldn't even bend my arm to fire a weapon. Yeah.

Damn, dude. That's one of my favorite stories ever. Because we have two people that we know, which is a very rare thing. We have two friends that have been shot in basic training. Marty.

My man, Marty. Yeah. To get shot in basic training is a special thing. Yeah. He got shot in the back. Doing squad rushes. I know. Yeah. And then the drill sergeant, I love his story because it was like, the drill sergeant's like, drill sergeant, I think I got shot. And he's like, you fucking idiot. No. He's like, I think I got shot, drill sergeant. And then blood shooting out. Coming out of his back. And drill sergeant's like, what are you talking? Holy shit. And he's like,

Okay, come here, you guys. I'm like, no. Shut up!

And when that happens, you miss a bunch of shit like PT tests and written tests, but they don't say shit because they know they all fucked up, so they just pass you automatically. I got to hang out and eat Oreos alone in my bunk while they were out doing all this stuff, and they're like, we're going to pass you. Okay. Yeah, Jack, you got passed for everything, didn't you? Well, during SOI, yeah, because they knew they fucked up, so they're like, we're just going to push this kid through, and hopefully he doesn't tell his congressman. My favorite thing about that story is thinking, because you were 19, so...

your fucking SI, your instructor, your DIs, they were all probably like, what, 25 to 30 tops. Well, not, I mean, 23 to 25 at that point. Yeah, they were young. They were babies themselves. This is pre-war. This is 9-11, uh,

day after it happened and everyone don't give a fuck. We still had some 90s mentality in that Marine Corps back then. Hey, we're going to beat the shit out of this kid right here. Why? Because he's a year younger than me. Because he got shot by his teammate for our lack of leadership.

I can hear the conversation with these guys being like, yo, we fucked up. How do we blame him? He got shot. How do we make this his fault? You know, the military can gaslight you better than a chick with blue hair and fucking septum ring. Oh, yeah.

Dude, the military is wild. If there was a leadership fuck-up, they will do everything in their power to make it the lowest rungs. Let's go blame it on that kid that was homeschooled. Jack got graped. It was his fault. He should have been

pretty looking. Jack shouldn't have wore such slutty outfits. You're like, these are military outfits. Is he wearing the maternity camis right now or what? His hips are popping.

He looked way too confident. That's why it's his fault. Dude, his donk was popping, man. Still is, Jack. Still is. Dude, the jorts were the fucking fashion statement. Thank you. I'm going through a midlife crisis, so I'm deriving my new fashion sense from people I know in their late 20s, early 30s. And you love jorts and a bad haircut. I got the jorts from K. I'm sorry to get here. I'm acting my age right here. Oh, I know. You do every year. And then you go like this.

I mean, that's the move, baby. That's the move. Look at that. Oh, my Lord.

We look like a before and after photo right now. It's incredible. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You look like a horror movie. You've got the top and he's got the sides. Dude, if you combine yourself... If we can morph... Just take a screenshot and melt it together. Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, you guys combined. Or like when Trunks and them do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

God damn. Oh my god. This is glorious. They just have a full head of hair. We didn't get any fighting powers. No, I am definitely not like Samson. That's for sure. We got our both boards. You guys hung out briefly together. Yeah, we met briefly.

And then you both, what I love most is they broke, you both spoke so highly of each other. Yeah. Yeah. Great guy. He was fun to hang out. You know what happened too is that night, it just rarely, it hasn't happened like three years, but it was just one of those nights. Everything lined up to where in my head was like,

I'd like some cocaine right now. I'm thinking that. And someone said, he's the guy to have it. But all night, you were in such deep conversation that I didn't want to bother you. But I'm like, I know he's got some. I know he's, I want some so bad. I'm going to be honest with you. When I go out to the Jared's place out there, I'm like, all right, I know I can drink.

no one has cocaine here, so I'm not going to be a piece of shit. So I usually never have it there. But yeah, I thought that too. I was like, man, I'd really like some right now. I know. That was a good night for it. We made a good video. I mean, yeah, we had a fucking grand old time. I just think we have the two guests who were like, man, I just felt like you'd be a dude that did cocaine. And I like totally got along with you the second I realized.

Dude... But as I get older, I'm starting to realize... That is just popping tops over here. Cocaine sucks, dude. Yeah, it's terrible. It's like... I haven't done it like in three or four years. The night starts off so great. You're skipping everywhere. You go to the bathroom with your boys. You jingle the keys. Instantly, you gotta shit because they cut it with baby laxatives. Instantly, you gotta shit.

And then, like, you get out of there, and it's cool. Everything's cool. But then 7.30 in the morning rolls around, and you're talking politics, God, all that stuff with a stranger on a beanbag chair in someone's garage. He delivers pizzas for a living. It's a real sturdy conversation. Yeah.

And then there's some fucking soft, thick chick that looks like she's a seven. You know, like not even a seven. I'm saying seven's not a bad number. Seven's a high number. I'm churching it up a little bit. She's a four. She's a four. She's slightly overweight. She's a seven on cocaine. She works at a Hot Topic. She's in a midlife crisis too. But you're like, Hot Topic? Whoa!

She's giving you the friendly eyes, and you're like, I'm going to give her the best dick of her life. And you take her inside on that stranger's beanbag chair, and that waiter just won't do anything. You realize they're stranger eyes. And you apologize to her. You apologize to her, and you're like, I swear to God, this never happens. But it happens every single time. You want to go snort some Viagra? Yeah.

That happened to me. Your clit's going to be so hard. That nine-inch baby clit. And then you're eating her out, but your mouth's numb, so now her vagina's numb. It's just not a win-win for anybody, dude. And you're just like... You're going to try to make it up to her the next day. She doesn't text you for a month because she forgot she saved you and her phone is limp biscuit. It's just bad all the way around, dude. Sorry, dude. I'm a piece of shit. I'm a piece of shit.

I'm in heaven right now. Don't ever apologize. That was story time and I enjoyed the ride. Jack, do you have the same feeling?

I don't know. Cocaine's with girls. You know what? I've never had a sexual experience on cocaine. It was always me backing some other dude into the corner and talking about like 18th century. History. Yeah. No. Topographic. The Romanovs, the Windsors, they were all related. Basically, World War I was just one big family feud that the rest of the world had to pay for. It was such a tragedy of life. Yeah.

Well, I mean, to be fair, that really was what World War I was. And then the U.S. got involved. I get really excited. Like, they're going to get on my level of frickin' early 20th century European royalty intrigue. Yeah. Yeah. I wish, Jack, you are fantastic at when it comes. Are you a big history guy? Yeah. I love history. Have you never went on any adventure in San Antonio with Jack? I've only met Jack once at one. Oh, yeah. I'm your tour guide when you're down here. Okay. Yeah. What about it?

Go on. Why should he visit three places in San Antonio? Yeah, I've been to the Alamo several times. Do you have three in mind? No, you. My pick? Jack, you. Okay, all right. Fuck the Alamo. That's just a gift shop where a bunch of losers died. It really was. It really was. Well, the inside's kind of cool where they got like, oh, this is where the humidity's ruining all the stones. Yeah, yeah. Actually, so we have four other missions there. So you want to talk about like, you know, for...

for this region of the world, very old, beautiful architecture, uh, old Spanish architecture. They're in pristine condition. They still run active Franciscan, uh, services there. We'll skip that part. As far as nightlife goes, um,

South Alamo Street, where the locals hang out. Texas is one of those cities... You live in Austin, right? But you're from a down-to-earth community. Yeah, I'm from a village two hours south of Houston. Right. What I love about San Antonio, it's the seventh biggest city in the country, but you never feel like it. It is truly America's largest small town. And you could have a guy that makes a billion dollars sitting next to a guy that's a thousand in there. I agree with that. As somebody who's only been here a couple years now, it's a very big city...

But it's so, like, it's vast. It's very wide. It's not condensed at all. So it does still have the feel of a radar. I think they have the... Until traffic time. Well, I see. But I even went that, though, because I've had traffic in Dallas, Houston, and Austin. I think San Antonio's the best one out of all four. They've been planning well for this influx of population. The infrastructure's very good there. Yeah. I don't know. The third thing, doing cocaine. No. No.

And it's plentiful down here, yeah. No, but one of the places I grew up down in by, like, my dad used to take me metal detecting all the time. Oh, yeah. You know what? You could have told me any fact about your fucking life. And I'd be like, huh, but...

My daddy took me metal detecting. I'm like, that makes so much goddamn sense. And we would get on one of the judges in the county. He had some land on the Brazos River. And there's still like little fucking little wooden structures where Santa Ana's army built.

a bridge to cross and shit like that. And we didn't find it, but some of his younger boys found it. They found like a bunch of cannonballs and they found some payroll, like old Spanish coins. No shit. Like under a big ass, because the oak tree had markings and shit on it. I guess when they were retreating,

Yeah. And they were heading that way. They couldn't fucking, they couldn't take all this money back and cross and like that fast enough as they were retreating. So they buried the payroll. They buried like, they found like a fuck ton of like Spanish gold coins and all kind of, maybe not Spanish. I don't know if it's golden. I don't know exactly what it was, but they found a bunch of old coins from that air that were payroll for the army. That's, that's, that's, um, did Phil Collins buy it from him?

You want to know why I made that little jokester right there? Phil Collins, the Phil Collins, is the largest private collector of Alamo artifacts in the world. Really? That guy buys up Alamo fucking artifacts. Why?

He was a little boy in England and that John Wayne, remember the Alamo movie came out? Oh, yeah. Yeah, so by the time he hit it big as a musician while all of his peers were just spending their money on cocaine and women, he was like, I'm going to buy some Texas history over there. I don't know. I can't do that accent. That was good. That was a good one. I'm impressed with that. You sound like Danny Warshnot. Let's be real. Y'all need help for Valentine's Day because you're like us. Sad, lonely, and depressed. So odds are...

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Thank you. You're welcome. Is that a true thing, though, about Phil Collins, where he writes that song in the air tonight? I can feel it calling in the air tonight about the boy drowning. He drowns that other boy that...

It's not a church camp. It's a summer camp. What? Y'all don't know that? Yeah, so apparently he wrote that song about he witnessed a boy drown another boy at a summer camp. And then later in life, he found out that that dude came to his concert and he pulled him up on stage and sung him that song. But I never knew if that was a real action fact. I think it's a wives tale. Okay, I think it is a wives tale too, but I just always thought that was a pretty cool. It's a great fucking song.

When he's in that gorilla suit, he... Yeah, it's fucking awesome. I was like, that's the real story behind that. That's real fucked up. It's real fucked up. It's real fucked up. God damn it. You were the first guys with our shirts off in the podcast. Yeah, y'all might as well just do it too. Who gives a shit? No, it was us. We got tattooed. That's why I said when we got tattooed.

That was a rough time. We got tattooed on the podcast. That was fucking stupid. Really? Yeah, we all did rib tattoos. Yeah, we're all... They have you laid out in masseuse tables or something? No, we just sat there and talked. We were just like, all right, hit me. And then we just talked. So, WillTattoo, Will underscore XX on IG. Oh my God, amazing artist. He...

And he is the lightest of hands, the lightest. And he's quick. And then Batty, Cody and me donut got fucking tattooed on our ribs with our frogs.

The worst. If you go back and watch that, you know a tattoo on your ribs. It just fucking sucks. Dude, the sternum was the worst. I don't talk. The sternum right here. Oh, trust me. That bone right here. And I even put numbing cream on my hand. Have you got your back yet? I haven't got my back yet. I'm going to do the idols of March, the whole scene of him getting stabbed. I want that whole thing across my back. I've done my chest, Patty. Yeah. Oh, just, you've done a pet.

I did. Oh, you did an entire. Does it touch your sternum? Sternum's bad, bud. The pecs aren't shit. Ain't no. Damn, you don't have hair on your chest either. No, he's Asian. I'm fucking Asian. I'm Mexican and Asian. Mexican and Asian. Yeah, that's what you are. Check this out. I have no hair anywhere. My back was the worst feeling tattoo I've ever fucking had. The color. The lining was...

Mike, you're also a heavy-handed motherfucker. Mike's driving a dirt bike across you. Lining, lines are really never, it's that shading that fucks you. Yeah, but thick lining is the difference. Like, the lining you've had does not match how thick our lining is. That's like a single, that's the, that's the, that's the lining. It's a 19 needle liner. Like, when you like look at lining,

I remember when you got that lower back. Cause that's your muscle. Isn't like, yeah, that's fucking and baddie. You fuck head. The first day I got mine already day one. And then we flew out there to get date, uh, our second round or my baddies first round, my second round.

And you remember like, fuck, I didn't get baddies tattoo. Can I do yours first? Oh yeah. Mike changed it. That's not on me. Don't put that on me. I know. His, his dates changed. So I was drinking, having a good time. And then I got the text that's like, Hey, we're going to do you day one. I was like,

But why? And then it was eight hours of just fucking grinding on that back. It's like a stonesmith. He uses like that 22 line. Yeah, that's the big one. That's the fucking one. It's a dirt bike. Yeah. It's a dirt bike. I'm going to call that. It's not a rotary machine. It's a coil machine too. So it's loud. Yeah. He's a...

Once in a lifetime if you get tattooed by him. He is so talented. Yeah. But God damn is it.

And you remember it. It's a once in a lifetime. And we haven't been back. I've done three and I'm like, I got two more. I had a buddy just go to Bali and he did a tattoo. He had a few tattoos on him and he just went full body fucking sleeve. Everything. Six days straight. Holy shit. 12 hour sessions. Usually you go out there to lay out in the sun. That's what I thought too, buddy. It's cheap out there. He did it in

He did his entire body, back, chest, arms, sleeves, legs, everything, fucking six days straight, 12 to 14-hour days, getting it knocked out. And I'm like, how? Because you remember, when you get your shit done, you got to come back...

If you've come back when it hasn't healed just all the way, and they have to... It's the worst, because that's when it's sore. Because when you're in it, even when you take a 30-minute break, smoke a cigarette... That's what I was going to say. It's a 30-minute break. A 30-minute break, and they get back on it, you're like, motherfucker, this is terrible. But I can't imagine going there for a week long, damn near, and getting that kind of... And this shit's extensive. It's detailed as fuck, and I'm just like...

dude you're insane especially for not even he wasn't very much covered he had a couple spot tattoos and that was it he's I'm going to buy it's got $20,000 I'm gonna go down here and it's cheap down there and the artists are good and he got I was like dude you're a fucking lunatic yeah I'm trying to like when I had the back of my like calves kneecaps like I have an entire

legs calves are terrible too no one tells you i did hung over i got the squirtle back there oh my god right you got squirtle i got squirtle charmander and bulbasaur the three wait hold on batty's gonna be in heaven right now i have an entire pokemon leg sleeve oh that's what i'm all the way up to my fucking hip mine are kind of just oh my god but those yeah oh my god boy those were the that was a three choices in life you had as a young boy and nobody picked the fucking earth pokemon

I called earth because no one was getting back. Okay, that's fair. But yeah, no. Dude, that's dope. So I did like the healing behind the back. Yeah. And it goes, it just keeps going. It's all the way the fuck. I want to get Magikarp above my wing.

- Oh hell yeah, dude. - It just flops around when I'm on a go game. - Dude, the healing when you're doing like a joint, like elbow sucks. Knees? - Yeah, the ditch don't feel that pleasant either. Yeah, it's... - I did five, five and a half hours of full color. I did the line work, everything all in one session. 'Cause I knew if I started that, I wasn't gonna go back. I spoke with Jesus a solid five hours when I did the color on the back of my knee, man. That changed me as a human. My left leg will never get done.

It was that. I'm a little bitch. Never tattooing that shit. That sucked ass. There are certain parts on your body when you start getting tattooed. It is an immediate check out. Lower back was for me. It's still not colored because I know the pain that I have to prepare myself for. You know what I love about lower back tattoos?

I can always tell when a chick's my age, you know, when you see that lower back tattoo, I'm like, we graduated high school the same year together. It's a tribal. It's a tribal. Might as well be a little guy. When I was a teenager and in my 20s, I fucking loved

older women. It was the only pornography I consumed. I dated older women all throughout my 20s. Really? Now I do. But what happens is one day you kind of... I still watch MILF porn to this day, but one day you wake up and you're like, oh, I graduated high school the same year as this MILF right here. So...

It's a weird area because I'm not attracted. The allure is gone now. It's just like, oh, we're the same age finally. Okay. But you still look at the same age. You're like, oh, like 30s to 40s is my. Yeah. I'm like. Mine's late 30s, early 40s. That's where I'm at. That's too young for me. We're in a revelation now. We're like these 30 year old, mid 34 year old women. They look like they're interesting.

I met a group of women that were in their 50s from Utah, Mormon sisters. They're all Mormon sisters. They're wild, hanging out. Dude, they look better than some of the 20-year-olds there. I was like, what the fuck is going on? I'm going to be honest with you. I like those women too because, dude, tight pussy makes me claustrophobic. Yeah.

Yeah. And they pump out babies, baby. I mean, I want to put my dick in a coffee can. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Dude, it's Matt. And they make babies. Matt Rife, comedian. I love him. He's actually, I'm supposed to do my podcast soon. I love Malcolm Rife. Dude, Matt's coming on our show. He's awesome, dude. I fucking love him. Handsome is all get out. I'm so mad at how handsome he is. No, fuck me.

But you would think someone that handsome would be kind of a douchebag and not that funny. Dude's a fucking killer. That's why I hate him. He's a killer. I hate him even more because fuck that guy. It's like, oh, sorry. God's like, let's create the Mona Lisa and then give him a dash of humor, personality. And he's tall. Wait, he's tall? I mean, he's taller than me because if I was 6'4", I'd be President of the United States. No doubt in my mind. You know what I'm saying? I think he's like 5'11", 6'0". He's taller than me. Yeah.

Which guy is this? Matt Rice. It's a fucking Brad Pitt of comedy. Is he the one that is really good at crowd work? Yes. Oh, I know. Yes. He's in my algorithm hard. He's stud. He's stud. Dude, and that's when we think. One thing, I started that conversation. I was like, fuck you for being so good looking and funny, you asshole. Yeah, imagine being good looking and funny. Well.

Yeah. It doesn't make sense. Why is he the chosen one? He is the chosen one. But he's so sweet. One of the nicest dudes I've ever met in my entire life. Kindest human you will ever meet. Yeah, he's super tight. I can't wait to figure out what his vice is. There's something wrong with him. I don't know what it's going to be. He's got bodies somewhere. Yeah, probably where his credit score is just in the shitter. We can only hope.

I bet you need a cosigner on a car, dude. You're in debt, aren't you? Dude, his mom's day post is comedy gold. Did you watch that? It's that 45-year-old lady that was

Hot as shit. And they bring that shirt that just says, like, I went to Minnesota or wherever. Yeah, and all I got was this shitty T-shirt and blowjob. Yeah, and he's like, hold up. After the show, baby. Hold up. And then they FaceTime the daughter on live on his fucking stage. He's like, wait, this is your daughter? Because the mom brings it up. And he's like, this is your 21-year-old? Does she know she has competition?

What and then the mom's like yes, and the mom's so embarrassed and he's about to go through pictures No, no, I sure there's a picture of me with my tits out I'm not gonna open it, but tell me why I'm not allowed to open this well I mean my daughter are very close, so it's my And then he's like my facetime your daughter now, and then it's telling the dogs like I seen your mom titties And it's just the most gold interaction. Oh, it's oh

He is so good at working the stage and his presence. And he's, I mean, if you watched him last year, how much he exploded. No, he did. Cause he did a special at Vulcan. Wow. Wow.

a while back. I did a secret show with him and he's, yeah, he's stellar, dude. Like, you can tell, like, and I thought, because I thought he just got famous off the TikTok and the Instagram type shit, but he was at the comedy store up in LA and shit when he was like 16, 17 years old. So the man's been putting in work and he's a fucking killer. He's one, mid-20s, late-20s maybe? I think he's, I,

I thought he's my age. I thought he's like early 30s. So he's one of those millennials that really knows how to utilize social media in its best form. Yeah, and that's the thing. You can tell he knows what he's fucking about. He did this to Kate Beckinsale or something. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. Was it Kate Beckinsale they did?

That's what they do. She has a history of going after younger dudes. Well, Kate Beckinsale, I love her. If you'd seen his jawline, you would understand. Kate Beckinsale, I'm here, baby. I'll be that boy you remember when you were in that nursing home. You know what I'm saying? I'll be that one mistake. You know what I'm saying? I'm not here for a long time. Yeah. Dude has a jawline. But dude, it

him being that good looking and that funny, he should be a fucking asshole, but he's not. He's a fucking nice guy. Okay, to be fair, this picture makes him look like a giant fucking asshole. Actually, he looks like the boy from... Was he in a boy band? That's Woody Connelly. What's that movie with... Oh, 100%. Look at that jawline. I'd be... Why is he wearing a jawline?

Why are you wearing a banana? Because he can. Anything that guy wears is like, oh man, I still want to fuck him. Are you questioning the guy that's dating Kate Beck? Who are we? Who are fucking we, dude? Why is he wearing a

fucking bandana. I realized that as I was mocking him, I'm like, he's still fucking Kate Beckinsale. What a douchebag next to Kate Beckinsale wearing a bandana. He can say I stood next to Kate Beckinsale wearing a bandana. What is that, like a Levi's jean jacket? I went to the Academy Awards dressed like Rainbow Bright, man.

Jack, you could be my dad, dude. This is incredible. You know, one of my biggest regrets at this point in my life is I haven't had a family, and I would love to be your dad. God damn it, dude. I mean, it's not too late. I mean, you could adopt him. You know, I'm probably your early 30s. I'm 39. Oh, fuck, man. You don't look a day over 47. Thank you. Jack, you're one year younger, older than me. Yeah. What's that? What?

I'm a millennial you're literally aging like you're literally Jack you were aging like spoiled milk right here

Samurai if you pulled that back like yeah, like the last Jack when did your hair start going as it's up? Yeah, when did it right here the thing it just one day it starts happening I was like good hair down like 19 years old. Oh shit. Yeah, and the coldest that was just like I'm here and I've been shaving my head pretty much all

Most of my life until like the last five. You know what is when we did that movie years ago and I had to look like a total piece of shit by using my natural hairline. And I was in L.A. That was like the most attention from women I ever got was when I looked like a total piece of shit. I'm like, there's something to this. Yeah.

You got a fucking killer mustache. Dude, Pablo's law. You're like fucking caterpillar. This is getting me puss. I'm kidding. I'm keeping this. It's because I remind you of your dad, huh? That's cool. I can be that. I love the cul-de-sac. One way in, no way out. It fucking looks hot. You have the fucking, your glory. I can't even. You know, boy.

You've got a vibe. My favorite thing to see is looking on that middle frame. I'm literally not stopping at this. Look at how beautiful both y'all's... The contrast is just fucking... The contrast. That's the perfect definition of that term right there, contrast. When I was in... I couldn't describe it. A better word is contrast. That needs to get a steal right there.

Guys, make a hot face for Cam. That's the thumbnail. Ready? Let's do three faces for thumbnail. Ready? One, two, switch it. And three, switch it. We should model in tandem. No, dude, in Vegas the other day, I was up there for a card show and this fucking guy, he's probably in his like 60s.

Card show? I was up there for like a trading card. Sports? Yeah, sports card trading. And this dude came up to me. He's like, you know, he looks a little similar to you. And he's like, man, we're big fans of yours. I'd be honored if you'd fuck my wife for $2,000. And his wife looked like a fucking Buick seat. And I was like, I'm good, man. And then he goes, $5,000. I go, Buicks aren't that bad. That's not a bad car. I get on that. But he wanted to wear my socks.

He wanted to wear my socks while I was fucking her. And that's weird because then I think he's going to try to coach me and stuff. I have so many questions. Is it a backseat driver at that point? No, like we're in another hotel. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah, backseat driver. Like in your ear. Because like if he's going to sit in the closet and be quiet, cool, man. I'll fuck your wife. But is it? I don't know if it's cool. It's like I'm going to wear your socks. But why the socks? I'm going to stick him out of the closet. So when you look back, you see a pair of feet. Yeah.

Like the Wicked Witch of the East. Yeah, the slippers. Oh, man.

It weirded me out. I was like, dude, my mom gave me those socks. Now I can't. You look back, you just see shoes. These were stocking stuffers, man. I hate comedians. Fuck you. Because I don't know where the bullshit starts and ends. Because at the same time, I'm looking at you and I'm like, no, this could really just be your goddamn life. Dude, a lot of people write, like, that's why some of them comedians don't like me when I first got on the scene. Because they were like...

Like, he doesn't write. And I mean, I write a little bit, but like, a lot of shit just kind of happens. So I just like, let me just tell you these shit stories that are going on in my life. Like, it just, you know, whatever. I just, you know, life's been shitting on me since I was a kid. I mean, I get it, bro. I get it, but God damn. Mix it with that. It's good. I don't have a single...

You gotta have some stories. Where my socks story? No, I ain't got a single like cuckold story at all. Not a single one. What about your virginity story's gotta be cool. Oh, man, dude. Wait, have we told those? I don't know if I've told my virginity story, but my favorite story is my hand job story. Ooh. Yeah, so, you know, whatever, high school, however fucking old.

And no, not whatever. Start this story like you're a DM and you're fucking got a goddamn D&D campaign. Tell the story like you just got the handjob and you're telling your fellow teenage friends. Hold on. Let me just. Hey, let the hair down. I'm so sweat. No. So I was. I was.

maybe a sophomore. Sophomore. Oh, shut the fuck up, Eli. And I'm getting a hand job, right? Just fucking bare knuckle and nothing special about it. Terrible. But at the time, it's literally great. But also, I thought it was cool. I had a futon. I didn't have a bed. I had a futon.

You're cool now. Now, you know, like I can sit on my bed play vidya games, but I can also turn into a bed That's pretty cool. That seemed like a cool thing. I like that. It was Yeah, what was not millennial flex? It was what was not a flexes I could cover on the food on this was a really shitty looking futon and put a cover over it it was a like neoprene black cover and

Hand job finishes. I blow. It's just all over her hand. And she just hand smeared. And I... Dude, at the time... What? Well, it was come over her hand. She didn't go to the bathroom. She wiped on your bed? We were at my parents' house. This is middle school. No one knows. They're just like, ew. And you're like, is this normal? They would have wiped it on the mom at that time. We were freshly dating. She smeared that shit. And...

None of us registered the hand at the time. It was just like, oh, we're going to wipe it off. It's going to be fine. The blankets moved. But cum doesn't. Dude, I remember it was the next day or when it was, but I remember seeing the perfect cum hand stain with the fingers. Just Picasso in the corner. Bro, it was just on the futon cover. I'm like, your mom's cleaning it like batty?

Yeah, my mother called me Batty. And the worst part was, though, like, when the futon was in bed mud, whatever, blanket time, but when you put it up, it was, like, dead center, very top of it, no pillow cannot

Just cumming in. Like one of those cave prants. You know Lord of the Rings, the Ur-Kai with the white hand and the drag? It looked like that, but with cum on my futon cover. Like the hand in Titanic when she puts it up on that 1920s model T and drags down. Sideways. But with cum on it. Very crusty and white and cummy. With cum. What a treat that must have been. That was...

Still haunts me to this day. I mock you. I will never own a black pair of sheets blanket. Never. Still haven't. Will never. Don't gray. Still no. And not only black sheets. You know what? The sheets that everybody builds up like it's a great time, but actually fucking suck. Like, don't say Jersey. Silk. Yeah.

It's hard. You slip everywhere. Yeah. And it's not breathable. No, no. You want to, yeah. Even if you're on top of it, like your back is sweating, her back is sweating. It just, when you're sweating on it, it just sits in a puddle. You're sitting in a puddle. Yeah. It's not the best. Can you believe people in like the eighties used to fuck on water? Yeah. I'm,

Or you can sleep on them, dude. I'm in my late 30s. I have some lumbar problems. Can't imagine doing that. And they soak up sweat because it's made of...

Fucking plastic rubber materials. My mom and dad. Sweating. I remember that as a child growing up. My mom and daddy poked, like broke one. And the water went everywhere. And it leaks. And we got mold, like black mold in our house because they couldn't get water out. They're fucking idiots. That probably wasn't an uncommon story back then. No, I mean, dude. Yeah, water bed. I remember Tucker...

His name is Tucker. Who's Tucker? My friend growing up when it was like fifth through... First through fifth grade. Before he got kicked out. Yeah. Tucker had a waterbed. You're from West Texas. And we would sleep in it. It'd be like... Your friend's trying to... He's like rolling and you're like...

Fucking waving in the wave. You're like, this is miserable. Actually, I hate this fucking bed. It's like, it's not bad. You just roll you both to the middle. You sink right down in. You sink into the side of it between the crud. When you think about it, you can only do like missionary or lady on top. Yeah, because doggy style, you're falling over. The balance equilibrium is too bad. And the fucking bed starts kicking up and bunking. Oh, my God. I forgot.

When's the last time somebody owned a waterbed? I've actually got one on order on eBay. Why? I swear to God, it's a fucking bitch! I'm kidding. I'm kidding on that. Can we buy a waterbed for the Instagram? Dude, that actually would be awesome. Can we do a podcast on a waterbed? Can we do Put 2,000 Pounds Above Us so we pull through on this fucking studio? Dude, boy, you know what is the greatest thing in life, speaking of bits? Because you spend a third, like a...

A third of your life. Ghost bed! Hey Eli, how'd you sleep last night after drinking all that? So good, you know why? Why? Ghost bed.

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and use code unsubscribe for 30% off everything. That's ghostbed.com. Code unsubscribe. Unsubscribe and get 30% off of everything. Ghost bed. Ghost bed. What's up? Okay, okay, okay. Go on. You spend a third of your life. You're like pretty much most of your childhood and like most of your adult life sleeping alone, right? 100%. Sleeping by yourself has got to be the best thing in the world.

Or do you like sleeping? Are you going to be one of those weirdos that tell me sleep cuddling? You're not one of those that cuddle all night. Oh, yeah. I am. I would have fucking never have guessed that in 100 years, dude. Dude, I'm a big sweaty man. I'm sweating 90% of my life. I live in Texas. In my house, sweating. Outside, sweating. Sleeping, sweating. 100%. Big furry motherfucker, dude. Just wet hair. Cuddling.

Are you kidding me, dude? One thing I miss, not sleeping in my bed alone that much anymore. I was a solo until as of the last two years. You love her. You really do. This is the first time where it's like,

I'm a solo guy. Nah, dude. From the beginning, any relationship, 100%. Dude, I'll gladly admit that. I'll keep my foot on you. We can go butt to butt or whatever. Oh, they do that foot touch? You're like, I'll keep my foot on you. No, butt to butt is nice. Butt to butt is great. It's fun. If you expect me to fucking roll over and hold you the whole night, you're out of your stuff. I'm all about that life. I'm all about that life. Dude, what? I am, I arm, my arm ain't under your pillow. I haven't done it in two years.

I haven't done it in two years. I haven't like done like a hardcore snuggle in like two years. Do you want to cuddle? Yeah, I'd like that. Me and you got this. All right, dude. Last night was the first time. It's a big furry man thing. I get it. And you'd be great to camp with on like Naked and Afraid or something like that. But I'm just telling you, I just, I just want to, I'll put a pillow in between. Dude, I want this. Wait, a pillow?

in between? Dude, I just don't like, it's hard to, because like that, the arm going numb thing, and I wake up and I'm like, it's like, dude, I just never got it. You're hot and sticky. And like, what's the perfect temperature to sleep at?

68. There's not a perfect amateur. It'd be 67. Have you ever been little spooned? Oh, yeah. That's the only way I'll actually... It's nice. It's not bad. I call it my jet pack, my backpack. I'm a tiny little girlfriend. I'll be little spooned. I'll give it five. I didn't get little spooned until like two or three years ago, and it was like, oh, my God, I needed this. I had no idea. Will you be my mom? It's healing.

But if you, did you date, since you said you dated a lot of older women in your youth, right? Yeah. Stuff like that. Did you, have you ever drank breast milk? No, I never dated like fresh mothers or anything like that. Please tell me you've drank breast milk. Yeah. Multiple times. What? Okay. I,

I love sucking titties. Well, yeah. I used to buy it from the lady down the street that I wasn't even fucking. It's protein efficient. Isn't the greatest tasting milk in the world? Hey, Laser. I'm sorry. Dr. Laser. Hey, Laser. Which race has the best breast milk? Well, Marathon. Well, the...

The Mexican Asian ladies, they taste like horchata. It's special. It's special, boys. I think you're not. I brought you our next sponsor, horchata. Like the gas station kind of little clear tube. It's incredible. The only kind.

This is written in permanent marker. Please tell me your breast milk story before we continue. Wait, who's not had breast milk? Have you? I've never had it. I've had it. It's incredible. It's delicious. It's the best. Well, I had it as a baby. Well, yeah.

I'm talking as an adult. No, never had it. Yeah, never. No breast milk. No. Delicious when you actually have a kiddo. Also, you have no kids. No kids. I have no kids. Eli's has kids. You're just a fucking degenerate. Yeah. Yeah, 100% with the cocaine butthole story. I mean like... Boofling. I honestly believe I'm shooting blinks. I've never...

I've never had a pregnancy scare. Why pull out with that big couch? I use the push-in method. I go past the good shit, and I just go deeper. That's how that works. If I come past her. Don't pull out. Push in. It works. Look, my couch is pulled out. You know what I'm saying? I don't.

You know what I'm saying? So, I mean, here we are. But I ain't never had a scare. But that's my worst fear is like getting some notoriety in life and someone from like Pennsylvania or Ohio is like, yo, this is your kid. And I'm like, it's gonna have a boy. It has the perfect blonde boy in glasses. You're like, it's not mine. It has your tattoo. Yeah, I just have it. It's born with tattoos. Yeah, it has Dr. Hannibal Lecter on me. Oh, shit. Why is that kid's freaking hair bleached?

No, I mean, so baby mama with Rhyden, when you test the breast milk, you're like, oh. Is that a normal parenting thing? Yeah.

They're fucking titties. Do you kiss titties? You don't think you're ever going to suck your wife's breast milk. When you get married and have a kid, you never would mistake. I've been married. But you never had a kid. No. So you don't think at one point in time. You suck titties. I mean, okay. You suck titties. Yeah. Then you would drink breast milk. That's it. That's how it goes. Don't church it up now. You suck titties. You're going to suck breast milk. And then you're going to be like this.

Oh, that's like... And if you hit it just hard enough, it'll squirt. Yeah, and it's fruity lube. It's awesome. It's the sweetest breast... It's like getting cummed on. Yeah. But you ever take it in the face? Oh, yeah. You ever got cummed on by for your friends, but now imagine it's a girl, and it's delicious. What?

That was a hard left turn right there, bud. Hard left turn. Now imagine you want to drink it and it tastes sweet. I know when Eli's going and I was ready for it, but still, that would drive me, too. You know when your friends come on you, dude? You know when you take it in the face and I'm like, nope, wasn't ready. But that's what it's like. Okay, so I don't know if I'm supposed to tell this story and it's probably going to give me trouble in some way. Okay, yeah, because I've also...

There was other stories after that. It was somebody that didn't realize they were done lactating. They're like, no, I've stopped breastfeeding for a fucking year at this point. And I was like, that's dope. Oh, it's still good. Oh, so you went to suck a titty and you got an extra snack. Was that sour milk? It was still good milk. I was like...

This is the one where I want to be like, spit it back out. Like, I'm about to, I'm like. That's called swapping. You didn't stop lactating. They just stored it. Okay, there we go. Like, I'm sorry for that. I was like.

It's all good. It's fine. It wasn't all good. It wasn't okay. I'll have another. Yeah, it tastes good. It is the sweetest meal ever. Can you put this in a freaking bottle for me? I gotta go home in a few hours. It tastes good, doesn't it? It does taste good when it's fresh. It's fucking sweet nectar. Go on. So, a buddy of mine, growing up, had obviously his friend's parents had kids, and they used to store their breast milk in the fridge in Lord God's. Oh, go on. And he...

- Holy shit. - Sorry. He took the jug out, he was just at his friend's house and he went and he's a frequenter of this house, so he'd go to the fridge, he'd make his bowl of cereal in the morning, and he had his bowl of cereal with a jug of breast milk, not realizing it was-- - I bet that was the best cereal ever. - That's what he says. That was what he said every time. - It was so good.

It really is good. Like, I mean, there's a stigma with it, but it fucking tastes good. Have you seen the new thing for protein? I'm not anti-drinking breast milk. I've just never come across that situation. It tastes so good. And now it's a thing with the lifting community where you can pay extra for the milk of titties. The milk of titties. Would you rather drink a cow's tit or a fucking human hot tit? I drink almond milk, bro. Like...

Holy shit, I forgot about that. That led me into what was supposed to be the last episode's fucking thing. I'm going to show you guys something. I need you to guess what the fuck it is because my mind was blown by this. Why are we showing me an almond? I said almond. Shut the fuck up, Betty. Okay. What? I don't know. I just... I leave milk in my fridge too long and it goes bad. Almond milk doesn't go bad for like six months. I'm lazy, dude. There we go. That looks like some sort of... Those are toes. Toes.

Like a little apples, right? Don't swipe too far. I don't want to see pepper of some sort. Those are little toes little black toes What is happening? These are where cashews come from cashews come from a fucking apple a cashew nut comes from a fucking apple That's really dumb looking apples, right? It's like a pear dude This these are where you get your cashew nuts. They grow on the bottom of a fucking apple

Is the apple edible? It's called the cashew apple. That's what you eat. Usually they eat the apple and then we get the fucking cashew from it. This is the only food product in America where we're getting the shitty leftovers. Yeah, we're getting the booger. Where's the cashew indigenous to? South America. No shit.

It was the weirdest thing I was reading online. They're like, you want the dirty part? We're like, yeah. Yeah. I was like, I want the pig's feet. I want the hog mug. Dude, that was the first time they were like, cashews come from a fruit. I was like, I got to Google this. I was like, and then I seen the apples. I was like,

When cashews are fruit and I'm fucking stupid this entire time. I don't think cashews are fruit still. It is. I think a cashew... I think... Cashew is fruit. That's like calling an apple seed a fruit. I don't think the seed itself is the fruit, is it? Johnny Appleseed was a fruit. I'll slap you. I'll come over and stick my nose in your neck. This is one of the few times I was like, what the fuck's going on? If I Google, is a cashew a fruit and it's wrong, I... Nope, you're going to be good. Watch. Watch. Eli's autism is coming over right now. A fruit. And then we get asked...

We're gonna wait. Hold on. 3, 2, 1, let's go. They're cat- they're not fruits either. They're- they're- Vegetables. No, they're not nuts either though. It's a- Hey, hey, you know what it is? They are- They are- They are droops! No, no, it's- it's a- it's a fruit that nuts. It's a gay fruit. It's called a droop. A droop? I'm not- D-R-U-P-E-S. It's called a droop. Droops are fruits that are flesh on the outside and contain a shell covering on the seed inside.

Cashews are usually classified as nuts because they possess many of the same characteristics as nuts, but they come from a fruit. But they are not a fruit. They are a droop. There you go.

We broke the internet today. That was one of the things that broke me. And I was like, I have to tell the community. Cause right now I'm looking. That is the thing. That's your PSA for the month. You're like, I got to let everybody know. Cashews are fruit. Comments are going to be about the fruit. That is not a fruit. I fucking learned. Like I learned something. That's the biggest thing I learned today. Uncle Dr. Laser. A doctor. Did you know that Dr. Laser?

I did not know, but there is a particular place where I'm from that calls cashews a certain type of thing that I can't see on air. And seeing those right now. When you were saying. Seeing those right now makes me realize why they're called that. Is it sexist, racist, xenophobic, homophobic? It's pretty racist. Oh, okay. So it's where I'm going to leave it. Yours are more on the idea of. Wait, hold on. Wait, wait. No.

No. Can't do it? No. Eli? You cannot do it in any way. I will fucking yip a goddamn full can at your face. That's why I couldn't do it. I know. That's why I didn't throw the sack. My white people over there are very uncomfortable. They've been called that since I was little, but I never knew it came from something like that. I love your hair.

You were just flipping it in the fucking glorious light. I'm just looking back and forth at this tennis match of teet-to-teet right here. This is what happens. This is what we do. It's normal. Jack, are you good at all history or just like early war history? No, no, no. War history is the easiest. Jack, what nut were we talking about with what he's used to? Fucking...

I love being not in the white one because I'm like, if I get canceled, I don't. This side of the table gets canceled and it gets reaffirmed and it's like, welcome to unsubscribe, Eli. It's just going to be Eli. Yeah. Nobody's going to watch with just Eli. Most of us learning a second language in high school or college wasn't exactly a high point in our academic careers.

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months of learning language. Let's go to babble.com and use promo code unsub. That is babble.com slash promo code unsub. You know, my favorite thing to do with like, uh, creating history, like content or whatever is, uh,

People really don't understand that how everything is connected in one way or another. Like people don't realize like what Genghis Khan was doing in the 15th century, or I'm sorry, the 13th century. It was somehow connected to the Romans and to modern day. So I love like taking a topic and you can do it. It's like a 20 degrees of separation thing. You can do with almost anything. You could take the fall of the Roman Empire and connect it to why the Romans are responsible for 9-11.

He's not joking either. Jack. I could do it. I could pull it off. I need to do it right now. Don't put me on the spot. I could... No, you know what? No, you can't just say don't put me on the spot. Okay, let me give it a shot. Okay. So when the Roman Empire fell, it created a complete break in fiefdoms and kingdoms in, we'll say, modern Europe. Yeah. And what happened was that led to the growth of the modern aristocracy

in Europe, right? No. You had a growth in the families in Europe, right? And this carried on through the years, right? Many years, yeah. And those families eventually, you know, they became the Windsors and the Gothen Sachsenbergs and all them into the early 20th century. Okay. Yeah.

So at the end of World War I, when that was all divvied out, the Ottoman Empire fell. The Ottoman Empire fell and that split up and then obviously Italy and Rome, it was all connected. Everything went into different states. And then you had, of course, there were the sanctions imposed on the German public.

which led to a rise in nationalism and, of course, then a bunch of socialism, Nazi socialism, which led Europe into World War II there. Makes sense. And then after World War II, they realized, oh, man, we can't let this happen again to those people that have been living here. So they're like, we're going to create their own state. Okay? And that was the State of Israel.

And then, of course, at the same time, those Arab nations were having their borders restructured. A lot of craziness going on over there. They were kicking former European colonials out. And then, of course, there was the fight between the Palestinians and the Israelis, which had the backing of much of the West as a result of World War II. And on the opposite side of the Palestinians, you had the backing of...

Iran. Iran. Which at the time was going through a wild restructure of religion, I

Well, that happened in the 70s, yes. Yeah, and that happened in the 70s. Yeah, we're getting there. And so, of course, now flash forward a few years later, the Russians invade Afghanistan, which had nothing to do with what we were talking about earlier. I'm really losing track. But it's a very important thing to talk about. It's a very important thing. It was a travesty what they did. True. And they were the only country that ever invaded Afghanistan and lost there. It's never happened any time after. Yeah, nothing. Yeah, yeah. Never happened again. But basically...

A certain young Saudi with a little money saw what was happening over there and went over there, got his licks in over there, got his training in over there. Very unhappy about it. And when that fell and the American government backed out, he had a little bit of anger towards what happened, how they were left behind. But he had the weapons that were left behind. True. And then eventually 9-11 happened. Done. And that is how you connect all that together. Jack, that was beautifully done. Yeah. Beautiful.

And that Arab was named Saddam Hussein. Nope, Osama Bin Laden. We hadn't opened this. No. We still haven't found those weapons of mass destruction. No, no. Still missing. Still missing. Found a lot of oil, though. Which one is that? The Yellowstone. Oh.

Hey, did I make this overly political? I was trying to be funny about it. No, you did wonderful. No, no. What happened is you put me on the spot. That's why I did it. You put me on the spot. And then I was like, I have a whole thing for this. I can't do it right now. I'm not in the mood for it right now. And then I had to keep going. And I was like, you're sweating. I know. You put me under so much pressure. And I'm like, oh, this got too deep. Now people are going to just hate me in the comments section. And I'm such a people pleaser. You are.

Can I write it out? On the next episode, can you read a 500-page? I will. Okay, thank you. Jack, I love you, and the people will love you. You're not wearing a shirt. I need you to understand that. Everything you're saying right now, they're agreeing with and understanding. And he has the Triforce.

Hey, here's a nice segue, Jack. Every river in the world runs north to south, but there's one river in the world that runs south to north. Do you know what that river is? That is the, it's in Egypt. It's the fucking. It's the oldest river of time. Come on. It's not the Euphrates. It's not the Euphrates. It's not the. Nile or Ganges. It's the Nile. It's the Nile. Yeah, yeah.

You know why? I was whispering to you, Jack. Shut up, Eli. Why? Do you know why that people in America have sunburn on one side of their face? People in Australia have sunburn on the other side of their face? It's because they drive on the other side of the road. Hello? We got a choose to that. No, what, Jack? You pulled that. What the fuck? It's a shot within a shot, dude. Here's to never above you, never below you, always beside you.

Yes, that's what I say to all my comrades every time. Oh, buddy, that's not for that ass right there, son of a bitch. What was that? I haven't had that one. Yellowstone, that tastes like Kevin Costner. Jesus Christ. My Lord. Tastes like Kevin Costner.

He has a sweet butthole, too. Hold on. Hold on. Okay, Kevin Costner. I want to go into this thinking of Kevin Costner. Hey, but not the postman in Waterworld, Kevin Costner. No, Yellowstone Costner. Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves, Kevin Costner. Okay, but what about Vulture, Spider-Man, Kevin Costner? I haven't seen him. Okay. Bro, you're... I quit watching Kevin Costner after Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves. Hey, you know Matthew McConaughey's going to be in the next Yellowstone?

Dude, you were not joking about that fucking bike. That has a little ass on it, boy. That reminds me of the old wild turkey. Holy shit. That reminds me of my step-uncle. I do what I hate most.

Nice. I lost my virginity to them when I was 28. I wasn't drunk, but I am now. Dude, those, we have the nicest whiskeys. We shouldn't do that anymore. And every time we try one of those nice whiskeys, those nice whiskeys cost more than anything. And every time we do a shot of them, I'm like, this is a disappointment. Bourbon. The only good bourbon is a single batch bourbon. We have that up there.

We hate, I don't, man, I don't do that stuff anymore. I do a shot of that. I'm like, oh, that's, I'm upset. I'm physically upset. God, that made me ill. Fuck you, Scott. Your mullet's sad. It was, no, that wasn't Scott. I know, he's from Kentucky though. Yeah, fuck you, Scott. Just done like on another level. That was awful.

- That tastes like Kevin Costner. - It tastes like Kevin Costner. - It was like cigarettes and Kevin Costner. Yeah, no. - Everyone always brings a new bottle of whiskey when they come and visit lately. So we have these- - Yeah, we got the two knob creeks from Scott.

Scott who? Kentucky Ballistics Scott No because we had What did Wes and Chris bring? Did we drink that already? They brought the rumble Wait is this the way y'all tell me I should have brought a bottle Yeah you piece of shit I didn't get the email

I'm sorry. They didn't either, but they just showed up. Okay. Well, you know. That's why they come back. You're like, well, fuck me, bro. It's okay. It's okay. You feel that? There's hair on that back because that's a fucking strange back. Why was it so soft? Dude, I don't know what it is. You said you worked in the oil fields. Dude, I don't know what it is. You worked in the oil field? Yeah, for 13 years. What'd you do? He knows Midland. I was a directional driller for ConocoPhillips. Oh, no. Did you ever work out west? Yeah. We worked in Hobbs, New Mexico. Oh.

I worked in Hobbs. Did you really? I worked for Oxy. Did you really? Yeah, I did. No shit. Yeah, I worked for a contract for Oxy, but I was with Oxy the whole time. Yeah, I worked for a contract for ConocoPhillips, and then ConocoPhillips bought the directional company, so we were in-house. Yeah. Yeah, crazy. Yeah. Boiling fuel talk. I don't know what's going on right now. But I was a completions guy. Oh, so you're on the back end. I did fullbacks, and I was a pumper and shit. Yeah, so I actually drilled them. Yeah, I did the pussy side. Okay. Wait, did we do... Have you ever had...

You do now. I'm like, no, yeah, he would, he would have been a driller. Oh yeah. Well, no directional. I was a specialist. So I actually steered the well bore that like, it's not just, what was the guy that did the clamp? Oh no shit. That's a rough, that's a rough. Do you remember any of the, do you remember, we'll talk after the show. I want to hear what leases you worked on. Cause I, did you work around Midland in like 2010 and 2013? The only thing I, I did a lot in New Mexico and a lot in, uh,

of oil field stories. I want to hear this. A lot around Pecos and shit like that. They wouldn't move me to Midland because there was bars and we'd be too close to town. They were scared I'd lose my job. Oh, there's bars. It's my family's there. He knew my family before I met him. I got chlamydia for the only time. His family owns one of the biggest local chains in that area. Which one? Yeah.

Roses tacos? So there's roses. Oh, my God. So you have roses and you have Jumbo Rito. Oh, Jumbo Rito is a vibe. That's his family. That's my family. Oh, dude. Yeah. Dude. I had already known Eli for two years when he said, oh, yeah, my uncle. And they're the ones that own Jumbo Rito. I'm like, oh, man, I want to suck your dick, dude. Really? I used to eat there all the time. Dude, it was weird because I remember...

fuck this is going back way back this is like 2006 going to a bar in fort lewis this is washington state and there was this cute mexican girl and her friends there and they were talking to another guy blah blah i gotta watch their interaction they're like oh and the guy asks like how much does a polar bear weigh and i leaned over i was like just say enough to break the ice and say your name

Catch him off guard. She said that. And she was like, oh my God, you knew that pickup line. I was like, yeah, blah, blah, blah. Who the fuck uses that pickup line? That's a good pickup line. It's not a good pickup line. That's not. I mean, 2005 is a very good pickup. Hey, what's up? What's enough to break the ice? Boom. A polar bear. Done. That's a good pickup line. That's not a good pickup line. I got laid with it. Well, yeah, but you're handsome. You got some in your teeth still. This is a good pickup line.

Wait, so you got to talk to this young lady. But that was, she was like, how do you know the pickup line? I was like, I use that fucking shit bag pickup line all the time. It's a really good one. Yeah, 100%. This is before Reddit. This is 2006, Matty. That's prime Reddit.

2006, Patty. I don't think Reddit existed at that time. No, YouTube literally was in year one back then. 2006 was YouTube at its infancy for the very first year. This is pre-everything. IRC, I don't know.

We were all rocking MySpace back in the day. This is old, old school. So I remember talking and she's like, oh yeah, I'm from Midland. Oh, you're from Midland? This is fucking amazing. One of my uncles, Jose, he runs a restaurant there, Jumperita.

I work for Jumperito. I was like, what the fuck? Get the fuck out of here. You know Jumperito? She's like, yeah, Uncle Jose. Because there's a lot of locations now. I call him Uncle Jody. Uncle Jody is separate from Uncle Jose. Jose is the businessman? Yeah. Uncle Jose is the businessman. She's like, no. And she's a very attractive girl. She's like, yeah, Uncle Jose is the person I know. This is Uncle Jody for me. She's like, what's up? All right.

You kept for money. I'm like, no, I'm in the military for a reason. No, I'm poor as shit. My dad did not do that. The moral of the story is your picket line didn't work. It did. No, that's not what got you in. Did you fuck? Well, it worked. Yeah.

By the way. We just explained the whole Uncle Jody and you're going to be like, no, it was the pickup line. Initially, it's like my uncle's rich. No, I did a story. I did a story out in Midland last summer. I was out there for like a week and bedding with the police department. But every time these cops or they'd pull into the Jumbo Rito thing, I'd be there with them with my little notebook and camera. I'd be like,

You know, I know the nephew of the guys who own this place. Dude, you gotta watch this stuff. Because Uncle Jody, Uncle Jose, still texts me to this day. Can they sponsor the podcast? 100%. Dude, Chomperito is good shit, man. I've never heard of it.

It's a West. It's specifically a West Texas thing. It's probably in New Mexico. I've been in more times hungover than anything in my life. It's so good. And that's the hardest part is my family's associated with that and I have to coordinate with that. And they're like, Eli's weird as shit. But yes, he is part of this fucking thing. West Texas is where dreams go to die. What? What?

You got everything you need as far as like there's a mall. But do you? Yeah.

And then, you know, it's one of the richest communities in the country. It is. You know the average income in Midland, Texas is like $89,000 a year. Yeah, old field money. Not even fucking with you. There's so much money out there, but there's nothing to do. And a house like this, a house like this in fucking like Midland, Odessa.

It's like a $600,000 home. And in Texas, how's that? But they don't have Topgolf. They don't have Six Flags. They don't have fucking... It's literally tumbleweeds. I want to go to Six Flags. It's tumbleweeds. Dude, you should take 18 grams of mushrooms and go to fucking Fright Night at Fiesta, Texas. It's the best time. Let me hear you out. We will do that together as a group.

Hey, do roller coasters make y'all sick? I will die. Batty, you'll be fine. I have brain issues. So actually, you can only take a certain amount of mushrooms. And after that point, there's not much harder of a trip. So you're good, man. It's past six or seven grams. And after that, it doesn't matter how much you ingest because the chemical in your brain that reacts to psilocybin is depleted so much from a certain amount of mushrooms. And after that, that's why if you take mushrooms the next day after you've had a trip, it won't affect you.

because your shit hasn't reset. That dopamine gland hasn't reset to like, you have to wait for like at least a week before that shit refills and you can trip again. So like if you ever take- I'm learning. If you ever take- I don't fuck up about mushrooms. If you ever take a bunch of mushrooms and you have a fucking great time and you take them the next day, you will not have the same fucking effect because that shit is drained and it interacts with that and that's what makes you hallucinate and trip and shit like that. And we're good. I love it, boys. I got some right now if y'all want to take a moment.

Yes. On the after show we'll talk about some crazy stuff. No, Batty, stop. You just say yes. I will literally go to the fucking moon with you if you want to do that. Dude, let's do it. Hey, I literally have- Yes. That's a really hard catch, Batty. I've never wanted to trip mushrooms on another human being in my life. What are you fucking doing right now?

We're in space. We're on the moon. Does that TV work over there? Yeah. I'm spending the night. We have three bedrooms upstairs. Yeah, there's beds. No, I'm a couch guy. Oh, really? I was at my parents' house. The house I grew up in. I was there last night. I slept on the couch. I'm a couch guy. I love the couch. Bro, in my bed, I can't sleep 90%. I'll just lay there. I can't sleep. I can't sleep. You put me on a couch? I'm in my element. Four to five minutes.

I am done. I'm going to wake up with the worst thing in my life. But you're going to bed. Just running in the background. Yeah, I get it. What do you guys think about the Amish? I grew up around them. Yeah, I get it.

I grew up around the Amish. In West Texas? No, Indiana. Oh, that's right. You're up there with it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then, yeah, okay. No, no, no. Please, write. No, no, no. Tell me about your Amish experience. I'm going to tell you mine after this. Imagine. Hey, they're businessmen. They're fucking businessmen. Imagine this. You're going 30. You have to slow down 10.

In your Mitsubishi Eclipse 1995. You look like you drove a fucking Mitsubishi. With a spoiler on the back. How low was the car? This is the spoiler. The original. Oh, you had the curvy. Okay. Did you have the ruffled door one or the smaller coupe that had the hood bump on the left side? With the hood bump? Yeah, they made these smaller Eclipses. There was the original ones that were like fast in the very school that had the door ruffles.

And then you went to the newer Eclipses that had the... Oh, yeah. Actually, I know exactly what you're talking about. That were smaller but had a hood scoop on the driver's side. So the 95 to 99 Eclipses, you had the GST, GSX, and the GS.

These ones, the only difference was the turbo all-wheel drive and two-wheel drive front wheel and the GS, which had no turbo or anything like that. The GST and the GSX had a dumb spoiler in the back. So this was the one that had the hood scoop on the driver's side. There it is. Not the door ruffles. If you go older, they had the door ruffles. Yeah, the door ruffles were like 90 to 94. A dumb 95 GST turbo built up.

And then you drive in the country and you had a lot of Amish people.

Amish people, this is what we did in the 90s. You drive around and you'd be like, hey, we're going to drive out to the country. We'll see their Amish heritage and do that stuff. They sell to, as they call them, the English. Us Normies. And they do incredible woodwork. That's all I cared for. They did not give a fuck about anything else. You're buying what you're buying.

And it's top notch. Yeah, it is. Yeah, we're trading you off. So a majority of that was like Fast and Furious in that time frame. Yeah. My GST. By the way, it was after the night. It was 2000. It was when the door ruffle started. I swapped them. Yeah. Okay. I didn't know that. I had to know. Look it. You're going to tell me. You're going to see her and tell me those aren't door ruffles. Those are door ruffles. I knew exactly what you're talking about. I'm seeing Vatican.

Cause a girl at the snow cone stand had that fucking eclipse and I fucked this shit out of her. Those door ruffles. I love her. I don't know what he's talking about with the door ruffles. I know what I'm,

I know the girls I fucked in high school that had... They had the door... I could tell when they were made of ruffles and when they had door ruffles. I don't know why. They're like the ruffles chips with the fucking... It was a great time. It was fantastic. Why are we coming after me right now? This is your fault. Why'd you fuck this up, you piece of shit? Dude, the ridges were good. Those were great chips, dude. Yeah, and then when they were cheddared and they had a yeast infection, what a treat. You know what I'm talking about? You know what I'm talking about? What a time. What a time.

Thank you for watching the Instagram. I guess as always, we like to have myself batting streams on our beautiful, powerful, strong, sexy. Look at those hairlines. Jack Mandeville, and of course, Uncle Sir Doctor Laser. Thank you guys. Where can we find you, Jack? Everywhere people are looking for you right now. Go. I don't know. I just really do Instagram and J-A-C-K-M-A-N-D-A-V-I-L-L-E. And that's about it. I don't do all that other fun stuff. Not yet. Okay, and so.

Sir Uncle Dr. Laser? Uncle Laser slash underscore, or Uncle slash underscore Laser. Hey, just get your cat sped and neutered. Okay? We got a big homeless problem as there is. Shout out Bob Barker. You know what I'm saying? Rest in peace. That's all we need. I'm Uncle Laser. You'll know where to find me. Wait, where's your next show at? Uh,

I got some shows in Austin this weekend, but I'll actually be in San Antone on the 27th. I think you boys should come out. That's where you'll find me at his show. At the Blind Tiger. I'm in a little showcase doing 20 minutes with a couple other good homies. It's going to be a great time. It's not one of my headline shows, but the 27th, Saturday at the Blind Tiger down here in San Antone. It's going to be a fucking great time. I tell you what. These are the ones we need to talk to with these boys about doing a live stream with.

On top of. Yeah. Roger. Before we end, can I just tell the Amish story? Because it's bothering me. Please. Please finish your Amish story. And I'll just finish it here. Wait, no. On the Patreon app, you can get Uncle Laser's Amish story. If you really want to hear what he wants to tell it, I mean, you might as well head over that way. Because it needs to be... There needs to be self-awareness. People need to know that they're cucks and that they're after your money and you. They need to know.

A lot of people don't talk shit on the Amish because they all don't have TVs, but I tell you what, they're not that great of people. They're great carpenters. And with that, we'll see you guys next time.