96 - Poppin' Hot ft. AngryCops, The Fat Electrician & Nikko Ortiz 01:41:58

It's a pleasant experience, isn't it? What? I don't know what you're talking about. Oh, I haven't had one yet. Oh, when is yours? Oh, years. I got time. Years? I got a few fingers on my ass. It didn't take a few years. Not yet, but one day. What?

You're missing out. You're at the age. How old do you think I am? My age. How old are you? Oh, I just look old. It's what war does to you. You would know. I'm 28 and I look like dog shit. I didn't even go to war. I just thought about it. I just thought about it. I just had to hang out with people like you for six years. That alone.

I think we would have bettered you by now. Brought to you by Bush Light, Broken Dreams, and Hookers. Oh, yeah. Ready? Everyone's already popped it. The official drink of people that know how much Sudafed you can legally buy. Sudafed? Sudafed. Fucking Breaking Bad over here. I've been hearing him practice that joke for the past hour and a half, and he still fucked it up. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh god this is gonna be- Exposed bro. Oh sorry I was about to pick up! Oh shit! I got you. Alright not today. Not today. Okay. 1990s hair. Wait what is 1990s hair? I'm just saying how he looks. Okay wait is this 90s hair? When you go like this? Cause that's what I do. You guys just told me- By the way I was fucking asleep maybe like 30 minutes ago. Nico go put Joe in your hair real quick. Okay.

I'm here. Are we allowed to talk about why your pupils are the size of pie plates right now? You can talk about it. Go for it.

You don't like me, do you guys?

I have to fucking be on my toes. - Nick comes from a small town, he walked here, he took a dog sled and shows us like, "These are my people." And then everyone attacks him viciously. - That's why his people say that a lot. He doesn't seem as much light in his situation. - You guys got moving cars?

Normally when he sees this much light, he's running into it and the semi has to break. Oh man. These are like three people that have never been in the same room together. It's going to be fantastic. It's going to be trash. You. I've been in the same room. Yeah. You guys have just met for the first time. But you guys have been. I was like, wait, we've kissed before. Yeah. We haven't. Yet. Yet.

Wait till you get on the... Yeah, that fuckboy. He has the best fuckboy face. Have you seen... No, look. Show him. No, which one did we just... Yeah, go. Nikos is always the pinnacle of fuckboy faces. Bro, maybe I need to start doing it more. Shit, maybe I'm sleeping on some potential right now. He doesn't want to say he looks like the fuckboy of special education.

My son would be mad. Instead of here, just go... Wait, wait, wait. Keep doing the face. I just want it on his face and then my words. I don't know how to cut in between the lines, but I know how to steal your girl. Bitch. Bitch.

It's going to be a slow push in while he does this. Maddie's going to watch this episode. Mine? It was cool. I was pretty fucked up for a majority of all of it. I immediately woke up, started drinking because I was going to panic. I knew it. Flying is just a big fucking metal tin can. Jesus take the wheel. I have no problem jumping out of a plane with

With a parachute. But if you fucking put me in a metal cage in the sky and say, well, you know, good luck for the next like two, three hours. Then I kind of have a problem with that because I have no ability to like fight it and no control, no nothing. Yeah. Isn't that that would be a release for me because.

Kill me, please. Like, wait, so you know how to fly it? No. Either accept your death or find a magazine. Sleep. Where's the AR? Where's the manual for flying this? Yeah.

I'm thinking of wild shit, but I'd be like, bro, I'm the weirdo who like when they do like the safety thing on the plane, I'd be looking around. If people are talking, I'd be looking at them, I'd be like, yelling, shut the fuck up. Yo, the flight attendant's talking! Shut the fuck up! I'd be pulling out the manual in the back of the seat, I'd be like, okay, so this one, I flip it to the left, the one in the back behind me, I gotta pull it this way, I'd be like, we living, baby. I'm doing different shit on a plane. We can't talk about that.

Because apparently in some states it's a misdemeanor. Shame. I forgot we talked about that. So...

I watched a whole documentary about planes. I'm never sitting first class on a flight ever. I don't think I was gone. Oh, because when they crashed, they're all dead. Like, yeah, when they crashed, the plane was at the whole cockpit and first class just pops off and gets ran over by the rest of the plane and everybody else is fine. And they're like, they're like, it's because that's all the people that can afford a fancy lawyer to sue the airline. Like all the poor people at the back of the plane that can't afford lawyers.

They get to live. They're a class action lawsuit at best. All the rich people are up front and the employees done. I didn't even think about that. That's exactly what it is. Everyone just dies at the front of the plane. Yeah. Yeah. And that's a normal. Yeah. You want to crash the whole front of the plane. Well, for some reason, the plane does this when it fucking lands.

Like some windy days you're like landing sideways Oh You see that footage where the plates like this the place like oh

And you're like, bro, we're going the wrong way. Why am I looking this way at the landing strip? I'm hitting a plane and it's landing like a high schooler on Heelys. It's like...

You don't need to walk and skate at the same time. That's not appropriate. I've told him before, we were going into Seattle, which has a lot of turbulent air, and riding. I was going to say tuberculosis. Riding, it is fucking like people are freaking out. And I'm like, because I got my kiddo with me. And Ryan's like, he's just like, that was fun, daddy.

And he's having a blast because I'm making it. Wait a second. Listen, are you trying to say that your son claps when the airplane lands? Because I hate your son. No, he was having fun on the turbulent, like the drops and everything. Oh, yeah, that's fun. Everyone's freaking out and he's like, oh, this is good. Oh, yeah. No, Ryden doesn't. Oh, I see. He's an angel. I would slap him if he did. You can laugh and have a great time on the way down. Don't you ever clap without doing their normal job. Yeah.

So he's having a blast we land and then the flight attempt walks it was like

Hey, you did a really good job. Yeah, I don't want my kid to know he might die right now. Not the last thought. I'll be like, hey, this is really turbulent. You want to be fucking terrified with Papa? Yeah, he was like, she's like, you did a great job. I was like, yeah.

I'm glad he does not. It's going to happen in the future. Father. And I'm like, oh, my arm. As he snaps it. God, God, God, God. Fucking breaks. I think you're like, oh. You're in the middle of the gym, son. It's a scene in Mortal Kombat, but it's like your hand. It's like the finish him. You just see the bones break. Yeah, the x-ray vision. I'm like, oh, Ryan, whatever you want, my son.

So you all had good flights. You made it in one piece. I made it alive, yeah. I was sweating and shit, bro. I'd be getting claustrophobic and everything, bro. Your text, he's like every one of you text before you take off. Not Nico. I know Nico's in his head. I don't give a fuck about nobody, bro. I don't give a fuck about shit. I'm just getting my job is to get on that plane.

Fucking analyze and study all the exits so I can live if that bitch goes down. You know what I'm saying? I just can't. I'm gonna fuck about shit. But I'll text you when I land. I wanna make you an airplane mix. Like, you know, like a nice little CD you can put on your disc, man. I'll buy you a disc, man.

And I don't know. You're in the middle of like the Midwest. You're poor. You could probably handle it. That's me. Wrong person. You can mail him. That's me. You're drunk. Mail your mom's Discman to him. That way you can still have one for the family. Discman? Walkman? Well, there was a Walkman for, oh, you're still in like the 80s. Discman is for CDs.

You know when you would burn a CD for your friend? Man, he's really good at killing the joke and the conversation. Ladies and gentlemen, the fat electrician. You're going to fucking make him mad. I've been making him mad all night.

Here I am trying to tell a story and a joke, and then this guy just, you know, sits on me like a chair. It's okay. Plain something me what? I was going to make you like a mixtape about like, you know, breathing and anxiety and probably by bands that died in plane crashes just to make your anxiety worse. But no, I'm glad that you brought up what a Discman and a Walkman was and made it great. Good. You have a nose ring. I thought it was a blackhead. Oh, fucking hell.

I was like, oh, he's got a fucking zit. Whatever. Take care of your fucking shit. It's got a shimmer to it now. He's got greasy skin. No wonder he's got it. Now that I'm close enough on this side of you, I'm like, oh, he's just gay. And so...

- Jesus Christ. - Man, if that makes you gay, Batty has prestige. - Multiple times. - Yeah, Batty's like, "Oh!" - He's just floating around. - He's got the obstacious ones. He's got a hoop. - Yeah, he's a one. - You've got the closeted nose plug. - Oh, he's prestige three times. - I still have a real job. I'm not allowed to wear nose rings. - But you have hand tattoos.

Don't you? Yeah. Well, he's a laborer. You could do that. You can have hand tattoos, but like I, I'm an industrial electrician. So I work in like food facilities and they don't like you to have piercings at all. Really? Cause it could fall off into the food.

Granted I do fucking jujitsu with my nose ring in and it's never came out, but it's that motherfucker's gonna jump off They let you roll with it though, I'm the coach who the fuck's gonna tell me shit and like my should be looking infected as fuck cuz he began ripped all the time on everything bro, I Do earrings cuz like I don't just like call for everybody's like you you're pretty you're a lot more cautious of your nose Nothing's sneaking up on your fucking nose. You know what I mean true. I

You cross face though? I feel good. You haven't had an aggressive girlfriend before. All of a sudden you wake up and that thing is right there planted on your face. That's an aggressive nose. What's that? Is that an offer? Did you get rid of your bits so you transition fully? What? This is fast conversation. That's why I wanted this. I was like, we'll put you two together. Yeah, I was like, they can like. You guys can like. If you're going to snizz, I'll take your butthole from the back, you know? What? I'm game. Who isn't?

What? Jesus fucking Christ. I'm just really enjoying the conversation at this point. I'm just like, yeah, I'm like trying to dictate where the conversation goes. This is one of the rare times where I'm like, fuck. Eli, the great conversation penis potato. Yeah, it's me. It's what I'm known for.

What are we talking about? YouTube. Everybody, this is the lull in the conversation where we try to figure out what topic we talk to next. Comment below on what shenanigans we should talk to. No, I got this. We're going to pivot. Well, Nico, it's just his fleas on the side of his head. I already know where to pivot this. We've talked about this multiple times. Every time somebody knows Nico's content, they just see Nico for his content. They're like, man, that dude's going to be a fucking douchebag. I'm not going to get along with him. Like every one of my friends.

- That's the exact same thing. - I was not let down. - That's why I can't go in front, bro. I just stay in my house, keep to myself. - That's why I sat on the right side of him because like this year is good and this year is already deaf. So while he's screaming, I'm like, this is the appropriate level for me to hear things. - Does that mean that you've picked me? - He's just forcing it now. - I knew this was gonna fuck. - I like this. - Just kiss real quick. - It's gonna be rough. It's gonna be, you're gonna hear some like,

Fucking gorillas. What are we going to hear? You know what you're going to hear? You're going to hear something. Tub thumping. Anybody know what tub thumping is? Chumbawamba? No. Wait, the song? I get knocked down. But I get up again. Tub thumping. You know that? You're too young for that song. You don't know that song? He was born in 1999. He's barely a teenager.

Nico is by far the youngest boy. He's just a child. You want to feel old? Somebody born in 1999 is literally in their mid-20s. Oh, you made it. Wait, what year were you born? 95. Wait, you're fucking like the same age as me. I know. I'm just letting it ride. I was like, I'm just going to...

You guys are the same age. Is this what it looks like when you do like Joe Rogan level amounts of marijuana and PCP? See, that's the thing. I don't even smoke and shit. He barely drinks. He barely even drinks. The only time I drink is when I'm like out here. That's right. That's fucking it.

I'm not to say like, you know, I'm against like the people who do drugs, but I don't, I'm against it. Oh yeah. I've never. He's a smart guy. He knows what I'm saying. Huge nostrils. I know I'm deaf on this side. I can hear the echo coming from inside those things. Turn the cop off.

off but i can't fucking breathe oh man it's just inquisitive i can't help that i'm like you know a puppy trying to figure out a new world yeah where are you fumbling and bumbling into the massive nostrils of this astronaut man the caves over here go spelunking yeah you ever see the the um the surface of the moon craters just like this guy's nostrils

Asteroids that would demolish the world have landed inside that guy's bullet sugar catcher, but they're cocaine. It's cocaine. You're the only person I think can imagine what I would be like on cocaine. I do not want to know. Dude, I would probably fight, because you see me when I'm just regular. Why would you start with fire? I'd probably fucking fight everybody. I'd just be randomly throwing. No, for sure. Now, being that's one of the few people in the group who have been around me, bro, because by nature, normally I'm like, yo, that dude looking at us weird. Let's go fuck his ass up. I

I think you'd be paranoid. I think you'd be in the corner just like, ah, shit, man. Ah, shit. Ah, shit. I'm like, Nick's looking at me. I think he wants to fuck me. I don't feel really good. I don't feel really good. I'm really thirsty. I'm breathing really good, though. I'm really thirsty. I'm really thirsty.

I honest to God, he would immediately go for a fucking 12 mile run and we wouldn't see him till the next morning. Oh yeah. You were, that's what would happen. So, so great. You would be famous. Um, not just for your podcast, but for like all the murder mystery podcast. Do you go Ortiz gone?

His body dismembered on the side of a California hiking trail. People say that Satan has covered his body with ants and that they sacrificed him to the Lord of Bahamut. And no, you were just high and cold. The last footage is the fucking security camera of him just running off naked.

Terminator 2 sprint where it's like no upper body movement just arms pumping Dude you should actually Dude they've got like a local horse like homeless guys like I saw him run he

He's wearing no pants. He looked at me and said, God is upon us and kept going. Straight through the acreage. Straight through the acreage.

I don't know if the man has a death wish, but he had a hammer hanging between his legs. He was fully erect and running. God rest his soul. And the amount of blood going through his wiener, I'm surprised he could walk and talk at the same time. I haven't been brained yet. Breaking news! Manscaped now sells beard product! Woo!

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Because last time so they went to where were you guys visiting and then you slept in a van to think it was funny Oh, we're in Utah. Yeah. Oh, yeah, there's no one imagine telling a joke When your audience is no one entertaining bitch. He tell this dude will do is like they're gonna find this hilarious No, not they or anybody this is gonna be hilarious. I

Period. That's all. Period. No audience. He's a fucking appearance. That's amazing. He's a appearance. No audience. I'm saying this is going to be hilarious. I lay in the back of a van and I go. Go to sleep, bro.

The next morning, he's like, slept in the van last night. Did you get locked out of one of the three houses that we had? Airbnbs? No, I just thought it'd be funny.

Okay. Chris was like, "Why is all your shit in here?" "And why is like the blanket pillows and everything in there?" And I was like, "That'd be funny to sleep in there." Just that hard-ass metal fucking bottom. Thought it'd be so fucking funny. But thank God I was so drunk I just knocked out. It was great. Like, you tell me a story, and you say, "No man, I don't do drugs." Oh no, wait 'til you hear this shit! I get- "No, so Brandon in the text message..."

Oh my god, holy shit. Dude, dude, alright so, me and Brandon, I don't even know what the fuck happened this night in full, but, quite so short, me and Brandon- I love dad, Rich, just digesting. I'm not even dad, I'm just like, in line too. It's me pulling over a dude who's like, "Hey, see you in 20 minutes." I'm like, "Cause you're drunk." "Yeah, nah." "You just backed up into my car 'cause you thought you put it in park and you put it in reverse."

Why did you hit me? I'm not judging you, man. Just fucking tell me the truth or just don't say the bullshit you're trying to tell me. I fell asleep in the back of a truck because it was funny. No, dude, you were fucking high as shit. This is a great idea. Like every cutout white boy does. He says, we should make this into a podcast.

Now what about being drunk as fuck at the club and then saying, oh my God, I know it's like midnight right now, but it'd be so funny if I walked 12 miles back to the house. I haven't, no, I've done that because I've been too drunk and I'm like, I don't want to ruin anybody's good night. So I'll walk home drunk. Not Nico. We had a ride. He declined. I was like, dude, this is going to be, I was like, I looked at Brandon and I was like,

Good night. Started just sprinting into the darkness, bro. Brandon was like, we need to get Brandon's like perspective on this too. Cause Brandon was like, I was like, where the fuck are you going? I was like, so let me get this straight. You decide to, after a night of drinking with your friends in a bar,

A place where no cocaine is ever sold. You decide to run six miles. Twelve. Twelve miles. Twelve fucking miles. Even shorter. Half as, half as less. I need to excite myself, okay? Back to your hotel that you probably don't even remember the address of because you think it's funny. Where was your train of thought there? You wanted to do it because why? Nothing. I was thinking about how I took a nap on a lawn before I continued the...

running, which is pretty funny too. And we have photos of you on the yard because he sent them. Oh, dude, here. You're shifting. I can order. You're like, I'm no longer going to make fun of Nick tonight. I am now focused solely on this man to my left. You're like, hold up. Nick, I don't give a fuck. We got to talk about this boy right here. This motherfucker retarded. Go for it. You're not retarded. You're just high as shit on cocaine.

I love to run 12 miles in the middle of the night after drinking a bunch of beers with my friends. I'm not tired at all. I get a whole bunch of energy. And cocaine? Drinks. It's going to be so hilarious. So funny when this happens. Guys, it's going to be so funny. I can't wait to talk about it. I said, because Brandon always says this. He said, brother in Christ, never let me walk anywhere ever again. Instead of that, he's like, oh, God,

Did you manage to actually get back to the house? I was like, nah, this grass mad soft son. I've done that when I walked home, but I was drunk. I wasn't coked out of my mind running to a mile. It was like two. It was like a mile and a half, two miles. And I was like,

I crashed on the lawn because I was so drunk. I was like, I need a breather. And then after like 30 minutes of like a mild nap that I was like still like semi awake for, I threw up all over their lawn and it was a very expensive lawn. It was a very nice home. And then I continued walking. What's that? I said expensive lawn. Well, I was like, he lives in New York. Yeah. Oh, it was like a, it's like one of those grasses, like a sign of wealth there. Yeah.

- It's a fucking inconvenience. - You got a lawn, bro? You bitch rich, you made it. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You ain't growing cairn there. It's cairn. - Nico, were you just like, it was 3:00 AM, you were just like, like no moving, you're like powering down. Laying down and you're like, yo dawg, this is mad, this grass mats off. - Did you see steel blue that he gave him when he was like, I just ran 12 miles, steel blue. - No, it was fuckboy, it was fuckboy 1000 piece.

That's his T-1000 and fuckboy 5000. You're jogging with the fuckboy face. I knocked out because I just got done panicking. Because one of the highways. That's definitely not good. Well, imagine this. You can see and everything's bright and then the lights go out because of the fucking freeways. The music's so good. The music's so good. What the fuck?

I was on a freeway, but it was the back road once where there's like no lights because there was all these cars and I was like fuck I'm gonna get like nailed. I know right running on a freeway, not cooking things. Hatching, not cooking things running on a freeway. No you got me I'm with you bro. I get that, hey listen I get that. It makes sense I get it. But then all the cars disappear.

Oh my God. So there's no light. You're right. And then I was like, oh man, what the fuck? Do you do? Terrified. Wow. I started fucking sprinting. You sure? Yeah. Of course. Yeah.

Would run towards the light There was no light yeah, I was like a shimmer of God help something like you can see like a Horizon in the darkness don't say bitch. I gotta get over there, bro Did you look behind you they were probably demons no I look by me that shit. There was nothing who's all dark wasn't it was fucking dark It's called help, and you were on a bad trip cotton. It's called nighttime in the fucking woods, and I'm a dumb woods now

It's on the side of the fucking thing. So when the cars won't buy, I hear like crickets and shit. And I'm just like, oh, I don't like this. This is fucking terrible. I was like, I'm so scared right now. I was like, I got to get the fuck out of here. You are way too pretty to be in the woods alone. For sure. So like, this is a rhetorical question. What is rhetorical? It means you don't need to answer it because I already know the answer. How much acid did you do? And then before, and what did you like crack your spine before the night and then it reset?

I just picture one. I can't do drugs. I'm still in the military. Don't get drug tested. I picture your fucking pisses don't matter.

- Yours does. - I mean, yes. - You couldn't use a Wizinator. You couldn't just like literally grab a bush white can full of piss and just like pour it in and be like-- - Do you know how the army does piss tests? - Yes. - 'Cause it's fantastic. - Yeah, bro, this is a penis. - Me. - No, no, no, no, after that. - The percentage test in that. - After that it's all contaminated. - After they all go in the box, everything in that box has to be done perfectly and then it gets mailed

To the only laboratory that has the contract to do all the piss testing for the army, which is in Hawaii.

So then they have to mail it to Hawaii and then it can't get fucked up in transit because if anything gets fucked up in transit, they throw out the whole fucking box. I would say I've seen them throw an entire box in Hawaii. So like even if you did do drugs, there's still a good chance like your entire box is going to get thrown out. Yeah, that's well, I've still seen people suffer from.

I'm not saying I have to see it. Pissing Han, cocaine. Not you, I'm just saying. Which is impressive. Do you want me to do cocaine with you? Is that what you were saying right now? No, I'm saying that you should stop. No spears, no spears, no. No spear? No spears, no spears. You guys never did. I don't know. Okay, for drug testing, you got to watch the transformation from like, hey, article 15 for doing a hard drugs to.

Oh, now we're kicking people out because you did wartime. Yeah, a guy that like during wartime, that guy was like. They did not care. It was just like third time getting popping hot. Like the dude was a moron. Like he did an okay job, but then he would blow lines like the night before drill. And you're like, dude, it's the night before drill. Probably don't do coke that day. Do it Friday. And so they would line up for a piss test.

And they'd be like, hey, it's Saturday. We're doing pest tests. And he would literally jump through a window because he'd put guards at the doors, right? He would jump through a random window and drive away. They'd be like, where's Butel? Sorry, guy here, fucking shit bird. Where's Butel? And they'd be like, I don't know. He was here earlier. He signed in. He's the crackhead that flew out of the story, Willie. He hit bounce, rolls, gets in a car, drives off. He's like,

He's like a five foot two fat dwarf. How did you miss him? How did he even get through a window? Magical. And then be like, oh, you got to come back on Sunday. He just wouldn't answer his phone and be like AWOL, but not because he signed in on Saturday. He said, I want to do the paperwork. Where are you? I'm sorry. Let me rephrase that. You'd call him up and ask him where he was and he'd be like,

You won't believe this, but I'm totally sober running on a highway. There's deer around me. Crickets. Can you hear them? I'm six miles away from home. Check that. Twelve miles. Do you hear it? That's a cricket. This yard is mad soft. And then the phone goes off. Yeah, he's high. You said it, kid. The picture back.

- Nico's so high, he's not hearing crickets. He's hearing cricket wireless signals. - You hear a cricket text messages between you and him.

- Holy shit. - 'Cause during wartime, you do, you could do all the drugs and it would just be like Article 15. - Were you in the war? - What, wartime? Dude, you, Article 15, it was just Article 15. - No, I didn't get kicked out. We were overseas. He was at military intelligence, pissed hot before they came overseas, active component. Pissed hot before- - Second time is always the .

Maybe. But anyway, he pissed out before he came over. They deployed him and then they were like, hey, we're kicking you out. Why don't you get back home? Which is great for a guy that's got a loaded weapon and a family, you know, all overseas. Just, you know, won't think about if I just do this, my family will be taken care of. Forever. Forever. Core memory. A core memory. So, Squintz, in that movie, Forever, you're like the grown-up, attractive version of what he could have been. And he's the

the grown-up unattractive version of what he is. Does that make sense? Wow, you're such a good guy. If his childhood grew up to be you, it'd be like, you look like as a, right now as a grown man, if you were a child, you could be squints. But it got way too complicated. I've never seen anybody give a backhanded compliment to one person while insulting somebody else at the same time.

No one does it better than Rich. You look like you were squints as a child, but you had like a really good like coming of age story. Whereas squints looked like you just came. It was. And that was it. He just came. I'm here.

Who was a, oh, go back to the military story. I forgot about this in Iraq. We had one dude. It was Sergeant Major or Command or one of the Lieutenant Colonels walked into a port-a-john. Guy is passed out in the port-a-john with a can of duster. Oh, yeah. He just huffing. He got off of it. He got out scot-free. What?

Sergeant Major, like, he comes to me like, what are you doing? What the fuck are you high off? You're doing dust. He's like, so what I was doing was I was putting the can up my butt and spraying air for pleasure was J.O. and Sergeant Major. Sergeant Major was like, that is so fucking smart. You all should do that if you get caught up. That's so fucking smart. They're like, wow, we can't help.

we can't prove that he wasn't screaming up his ass. - Literally, I was saying, dude, he got off. Scott freak. - He was the only one there. He had a sworn statement. I don't know which one he got. - He's like, I would never huff this. I put it in my ass. - Well, like, Joe. - Never. - And this armadillo's just like-- - I'm not a freak, all right? - I was like, dude, and we were like, how the fuck did homeboy get off? Wait, did that work? He's like, yeah. - I'm gonna smoke this up my ass a little more.

So every time you go in with your fucking duster cans, you're just going to. You know what's funny is that there was a whole bunch of dumb grunts. They were like shoving the entire duster can up their ass like a dildo, thinking that it was okay to get away with and getting away with it. They weren't actually spraying it. Yeah, it was like shoving a can. Who did you shove just a can of duster? Specifically the can? Yeah, duster spray. Not like pledge or anything. It's got to be duster spray. If you shove that up your ass, you're going to fuck. Oh.

Soup's hard, dog. Don't snort it, man. Is it going to be a new can? I heard if it's a new can up your butt, it's really good. Because they're like, they don't know how things work.

It was one of the features of the myth. Go on. Did you ever watch Blue Mountain State? Yeah. Now the fucking TV show that all the football players start going down from heat casualties. They hire a specialist to help prevent it and he just shoves icicles up their ass and they get super high and the whole episode is just guys trying to become heat casualties. Just get this icicle shoved up their ass and they get super high. And they just go...

You want to go for a 12 mile run real quick Running to our left we're in a lot Yeah

He's a droves RJ and he just hates it. He's like, oh, this is what privates do here. And in moments like this is when I just say, like, it's so awkward to be the guy with a normal job surrounded by idiots. Hey, just like yelling to microphones and it's okay where I have to deal with the consequences of what's said around me.

And then just, you know, get you in trouble right now. Probably hanging out with a coke head that ran six miles to his home. Probably that probably get me in trouble. Like, oh, sir. I didn't, you know, that that guy was on drugs. Wait till they find out who I got it from. Then that person's going to really be in fucking trouble. Well, whoever that guy is would probably shoot the snitch. So, yeah.

If hypothetically it is someone, it wouldn't be my supplier. That guy better be aware. This guy's really fucking fast.

Are you flying away from home now, Texas, a border state? A lot of things could happen to a body. Especially when you're running 12 miles back to your house. You'll never find me. Go to the woods, bro. But Nico Ortiz found dead with a cocaine overdose and fentanyl. Fentanyl? Who put that in there? He didn't just start the cocaine, he was just fucking fentanyl. He just started starting it.

Just punching in every time we like Nico such an addict that was just like sweeping up crumbs with a little broom and shit and he snorted it right out of the He started fighting me over the crumbs He started just like picking up bread crumbs and trying to smoke him out of a glass, but I

You guys are so polar opposite. Everything you do is polar opposite on like your contest style.

Every age bracket. Random shit whenever I wanted to. I like how his opposite for smart was random. Everybody would be like, smart! And maybe a different word. But he went with random. And that's how he feels. That's how he feels. I don't know why I was like this. One day I just said, I'm capital R retarded, baby. And we just run with that now. That's what it is. Capital R retarded. Did somebody else tell you that? Or did you come up with that? No, I made it all by myself. Man, a blind squirrel can find a nut every once in a while, can't they?

My God. I tell you what, I'm proud of you. You made it this far. That says a lot for these kids. Don't clap like that. Stop clapping like that. Don't lean back and do this and make happy smiles. What's going on?

Some people call it a disability. Young Nico here made an ability. Is that what you did? You leaned back and you were like... You look like an autistic dolphin. That's a seal. That's a seal. I'll get it one day. Yeah, animals are hard, buddy. I got you. You look great. Is that LA looks in your hair? All right. All right.

I just pictured Niko now. The cow goes, mer. Niko sits upstairs playing with the thing. He's like, the cow goes moo. The cow goes moo. Niko's like, not when I punch it. I haven't kicked the shit out of a cow for years. It was arrogant. It was more like a, meow.

The cat goes meow. I was like, no, it doesn't. It goes meow. Into the distance. Okay, so what was the first video you've seen of his? I'm going to fucking reverse that question too. Are you asking me? Yeah, I want to know what was the first video you've seen of Nico's and Nick's? Oh, no. Oh, yeah. Don't do me. Oh, yeah. He's attacking Nico. I like this. My wall of China is up right now. I mean, you know, I don't know. There's so many of them that I haven't seen.

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Be you. Be the best version of you. What in the... Herschel Blades. I'm Wolverine. What was the first video you seen in Nico? It was a short. It was a YouTube short. Or no, no. It was TikTok. It was TikTok. A TikTok or some shit. Because yeah. Then no, tell me more about what I know about you. Appreciate it.

It was a TikTok because then we made the videos after because I wasn't posting. So defensive. Consistently. Consistently, yeah. Consistently. Consistently, yeah. Consistently, yeah. Consistently, yeah. That's it. But we didn't do that one video that we did together.

- Bombed. - Oh, trash. Man, that was embarrassing. I was really hoping that it was gonna take off and it just shit the bed. - You guys did a video together? - Yours is good. Mine, yours is like normal for your views. It was like, I don't think it did great. I think it did like normal for your views. - No, mine did normal, yeah. - And mine was like .

You guys did a video together? Yeah. That's how memorable it was. So many people are like, dude, you should do a video with like angry... Are you fucking with us? Are you fucking with us? You did an actual video together? What was this about? It was angry drill sergeant shooting on all the branches. And so like I put the drill sergeant hat on and I was yelling at the...

Space Force well Space Force was last I was the only like the the Coast Guard the army the Navy the Marines and then Space Force all the branches and he did the reactions to like me yelling at them and I thought it was funny. I liked it you want to know it did good. I'm like I said on my end. I liked it I was like is it quick easy video super fast because I

Yeah, I mean, we literally did that in like in an hour. We just sent the shit back and forth. Well, we kept talking for like a couple of days. Yeah. Like, what are you going to do this? When are you going to do this? Oh, you want to do this? Yeah, I was like, it's the weekend. Freak it. And so. Freaking. Freaking. Freaking. Freaking.

I say a joke that is so stupid. I break myself and break it. That's like a 90s gay guy. Yeah, I saw and like on MTV and it like came into my brain. I was like hit it and I fucking I did it too. Well, then my brain was like,

Nailed it. You high-fived yourself. Oh, yeah. Good job. Straight up. I straight up high-fived myself. When I'm not patting myself on the back, yeah, we linked up. And after like a week or two of us just kind of like bullshitting and figuring out what we wanted to do and then waiting for a day to just get some time to do it. It was like the weekend. And I knocked out the video and I sent it to him. And I was like...

Show me what you think, you know, edit it together, do your thing. And I'll now repost it unless I don't like it. And then I'll edit it my own way, but you did a great job. And I'm sure you probably weren't on Coke that day. And so, and his, like you said, his did normal for his views. It was like, oh, sweet, normal video, good stuff, angry cops, whatever. Yay. We're friends on the internet. Not for real. And, and then I posted it and I posted it. And I think, you know, TikTok heard my sarcasm because they were like, Hmm,

But no see bro, right tick-tock or whatever like y'all said people don't fuck with me like binary to leave me like Oh Niko's here like the podcast first move like Oh Niko's I love Nick Niko's on the podcast. Oh fuck I gotta go I keep to myself, but I'm just like Jesus so that's what I think probably have with yours is like oh cool. It's oh

Fuckin' Niko? I'm out. Fuck this video. I get it.

I'm just here so I can get paid. You just tried to push that guy off a cliff and he grabbed you and pulled you down with him. We're going. Both of us. There's like a movie scene where I've seen that where it's like Gandalf, I think. No, no, no. But even whiter. Rich the White.

I mean, yeah. Yeah, exactly. The white urn. Yeah. I'm a bald cop. What else do you think it was going to be? It could be Puerto Rican.

Dump them. And then when's the last time you, or when was the first video you watched of Mr. Fat Electrician over here? Oh, let me guess. I haven't seen one all the way through. Fuck yeah. I'm going to be completely honest. I've seen a couple of his TikToks that I've watched a couple of his YouTube videos, not all the way through. Three minutes. I think I've only watched like five, but I knew right away.

I would like him more than Nico. No, I've watched, I've watched about like, um, I've watched more tick tocks from him. I watched about like probably a dozen tick tocks from him and like three or four YouTube videos. And, um,

I mean, it's probably the meanest compliment I think I can give, which is sincere, which is I knew I liked you, so I didn't have to watch the rest of your videos. I just knew that I liked you. And then I was like, here's the sub, and I'll see you whenever you pop up in my feed. Drop a like and get the fuck out. That's usually how it goes. Yeah.

and then double tap scroll, scroll, not watching the video. Well, no, cause some of the stuff I know, and then some of the stuff is interesting, but then like the algorithm doesn't show me shit. And if I don't like look for the people, the algorithm doesn't show me. I just don't see them. But the videos that I've seen, I like. Yeah.

Wow, man. I feel like I just told a kid that he's retarded. Sorry, kid, but you are not going to college. You told two kids. You should really think about BOCES. You like cars? Should I be a mechanic? No? Oh, geez. Okay.

I feel like a guidance counselor at a special ed school. You want to star in a Barney episode? You've bit people. Ah, jeez. God damn it. Dang it.

All right. How do you feel about dogs? You strangled two. That's too many. Two is too many. If it was one dog, we could let it go. But you strangled two. They were pit bulls? Oh, no, that's fine. Wow, you're strong. Usually those eat kids in size. Good job. Wow, good job.

I just like how you can go on an entire tangent and then you can continue that tangent. Oh yeah, I'll go as Nate Diaz. That makes a lot of sense. You can't form sentences. You sound a lot like him. What's that? Nate knows where I am. That's an insult. I'm dead. Oh shit. Well, all right. Nico, you want to do a bump and carry me home? Let's do it. Let's go, go, go, go. Yeah, we can start a podcast on the way. Let's start a podcast on the way. I got this fucking ruckus on my back. He's got...

Why is his body so still while he runs? It's like a glide cam. For 12 miles. It's like a chicken. His head stays perfectly still. The Chinese government's been using him for years. Yeah.

- You put a camera on the head and you glue it. You do a glue. And here you go. Like a chicken, you raise the shoulder, but the head stay down. You lower the shoulder, the head stay there. Move around and the head stay. That's number one.

I can't do it. Never mind. I'm fucking bad gyroscope. Wait, what? When he was talking about it, I was like, wait, my shoulders. Yeah, my shoulders moving. I'm like, oh, I'm a terrible gyroscope. I can't do this at all. You're a Russian gyroscope. You stick, you move it, lift it right, then they follow you. Holy shit. Wait, hold on. Russian. You just fucking from the last podcast. Why did you hate? Oh, bad.

Bad. Give me your hand. Why did you hate Chernobyl? Oh, the TV show? Yes. It's not the show. The show was fine.

I absolutely resented that every hipster that tried to convince me that Karl Marx was a genius and that we need to convert to capitalism. What? Sorry, communism. What are we talking about? A fucking TV show? The Chernobyl TV show. Have you seen it? Yeah, but you just started saying off a bunch of... About the Chernobyl meltdown. Okay, okay. So when it first came out, it went viral. And all these people that I knew from my personal life that were like...

Fucking hardcore like Karl Marx is a genius communism is awesome. We need to do all this bullshit. We're like, hey

This Chernobyl show is really good. And it's like, you don't understand that the form of government you're advocating for led to that disaster. Do you feel like we're fine? That's different. The different type of communism. Yeah. It seems like the same. And I really love it when Ben Shapiro breaks down movies to me. Very interesting. Ben Shapiro. Yeah. That was bad. It's really bad. You know, and everybody. Why do they call you angry cops?

Oh, probably because of, uh, you know, the stigmatism of, uh, cops beating down minorities. You got to set the username though. Thank you. He's shielding me from anger. Shielding me for retro. I mean, I tried to beat him down a while ago, but he, you know, he came back up and rose again. Couldn't keep him down. No matter how many hoses I sprayed on him or how many dogs we sicked on Eli, he beat me. Why were you spraying me with hoses? Uh, it's a, it was making the joke between the racist police officers spraying down, uh,

People. People. What kind of people? All jokes here about policing are not a representation of me or the police department that I am a part of. They are all in satire making fun of stereotypes of police departments and the history of policing in the United States. Thank you. You did it. That's my disclaimer.

Are we gonna play that at the beginning? Yeah. Just to really hook the audience. To hook the audience. They're like, oh man, this is gonna be a spicy ass episode. And they're just waiting for it. Yeah, he says that and then it's just me doing this. I am calculated. They're like, what the fuck? Oh no. Not cool. It's just like inappropriate. How do you feel?

I feel fine. Okay. I'm going to just drink my bush light over here. You should do what I did. What's that? Line of coke. Do one of these. Get fucking shredded by angry cops over here for 25 minutes straight. He's harmless. He's harmless. Yes. Do it. I've got no teeth.

Huh? Huh? You've got low T? No, no. Yeah. I said no T. That's what you just said. You just turned into a really good joke. That's a really good joke. Yeah, you got low T. That's a really good joke. No T. You got low T? No wonder you're so aggressive. Probably got small P. That's why you became a cop. Because you got no T. Two rice. Two rice long. You. Yeah.

This is one of those episodes where it's just like, Batty's gonna watch and be like, See, that could be even worse because if you're doing the accent, it could be too lice because you can't say L's very well. What? Asian accent. You can't say lice. You have to say too rice and you'll be like, rice or lice? Yeah, too rice. Yeah, too rice. You got lice? God damn it.

- We had the conversation yesterday. I was like, the Japanese are the ones that struggle with L's and R's. - Yes. - But everyone's like, who was doing the R's for the Chinese? I was like, you know, that's not how it works. And they're like, what? - No, Chinese can say, ah, very good. - Is that from like South Park or some shit? - Oh yeah. - You have the South Park one on. - Yeah, that's all I do. - I've got like,

Oh yeah, there's not a lot of Chinese population in my city, but there's a lot of Burmese and that's not close enough. So I have to go to South Park in order to get my acting education. Very traditional Chinese acting. I went to the acting school of Comedy Central. And then Nick's just like,

i'll do american accents and be very wide in this corner right now it's like do you want to hear me talk about a wikipedia page yeah this is the f-27 triple fester it was started in the navy in 1976 to combat

The gays. How did you make that up? Bitch! I'm going to get in trouble for that somehow. Clearly said that

He said this on your face and it's gonna be the fact that you said it would be the first time tonight Nick's face F27 triple fister hates the gays mix on there on the wiki page never said it. It's him quoting even though It's your voice. Do people let you up a lot or what? No, no, okay I feel like you're your community and come for you or anything. Yeah, that's fine. Yeah, here's it yet. I

We'll get you. Nerds. Nerds fucking hate me. Why? Yeah. Well, they're probably like, that's not the correct information. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, that's actually a good topic. I get zero hate. Thank you for that. I don't know why. I appreciate it. But for the most part, there's no hate where it's like whatever jokes are made.

His son's autistic and he's fucking retarded. But I get zero across the board versus everything you said was true. Exactly. That's right. If anybody's going to be in a short bus. Oh yeah. It's me and my kiddo.

Oh, no. I was just going for you, dickhead. I'm not talking about your child. Your kid's fine. God, yeah. Your kid's smarter than you. At least he rides a short bus. He rides a short bus. I said you ride the short bus. We both do. Are you guys making fun of his kid? Damn. I'm sorry they did that to you. Thank you, bro. You came out fucking assing shit when you said bro right there. That was racist as fuck. You started coming out with the right hand. You came out there

Do an almond eyes together

Okay, me and my chalupa. What? What is my fucking taco bell? I have my chalupa. Me fajita from the east side, lower west side. My number four. Baja blessed. Fruits. Them shits smacking.

Oh my God, that's going to be my slang term for small Spanish people. My little Baja Blast. This is my Baja Blast, man. Because, you know, I was blasting inside his mom and muscle going. Now he here, Baja. I'm here, Father Baja. Baja getting.

I hope I get called for jury duty when that's in the evidence. Oh, I just have to say I'm a police officer and they're going, yeah, we don't want you. I just say I'm mentally unstable. I'm in the jury for your court case and that gets wheeled in as evidence. If you come in, it had to be federal, which will be probably like a couple months, right? At least. You got time.

Everything that man said is true and how he feels none of it was a joke. What? Because I'm going to read it. I'm going to read it super bland. Oh, I know. That's for sure. Especially for him. The second he sees you show up to his core, he's like, you are my bomb blast. Ride the short bus. Hashtag little chalupa. This guy is doing almond eyes.

Officer High, what did you mean when you said this man's doing almond dyes? It's because I'm Chinese, bro. Oh, are you really? Everyone just starts hating. I was like...

- Bitch! - Everybody hates the Chinese. - Like your mother? - His people, no, no, no, his people put the balloon. - His people rule. - I'm gonna look at the jury, I'm gonna make sure there's a lot of whites. - Literally, that's what I'm gonna go, his people put up the balloon. China. - They're airmailing inflation to America. - China.

They got a balloon. They put it up in the air. They said, hey, is this a good balloon? No, it's the worst balloon. The worst balloon in all of the balloons. And then we shut it down. Is that what you're going to do at the courthouse? And now, all their food is in 15 minutes or less. It's free. Shut up, Chinatown. Back chicken.

That chicken. Where's that one going? I don't know. You're just on a ramble. That was waiting for you to save me. Zero saving on that one. I was hoping the Asian would just jump in. This is going to burn itself out eventually. No it won't. It's going fucking hard. Burnouts Nico. How are you doing?

I'm tired. I can tell. Dude, you, yeah, I mean, you're ready to go to bed. You are, I don't know. I don't, I could wake up right now. You want to go run? You could wake up right now. Is he asleep? Here, go to the bathroom. Real quick. More terrifying. Where did we get from? The bad, bad trip.

Yeah. Jesus Christ. He's going to get in my head and be like, God, am I on drugs? What the fuck is happening? I just said I have to wake up, but I'm awake, aren't I? Am I awake? Remember how we live streamed Nico getting gas lit into adopting a co-cabbage? For an hour? This poor kid's just like snorting white powder that he finds on the ground. Anything. It tastes like salt.

Oh my god. I found this at the Baja Blast. Wait, what? Oh, Baja Blast? I was like, wait, wait, okay. It's my Baja Blast. Oh no. Bro, that's the stupidest thing. Bro, mijo.

- Hey, have you met my Baja Blanc? - Hey mijo. - I can't even say it. It's so stupid. It's not even, it's just the dumbest thing ever. Like, hey mijo, you're my little Baja Blanc. I don't know why I find that hysterical. It's so stupid. - It's Taco Bell represents our people. Right? It's authentic Mexican food. - Live Moss. - See, man?

like the whitest live moss you like mexican food taco bell is the place for live moss we got so much oatmeal inside that ground beef you're basically a vegan when you eat here

It's true. My sister worked at Taco Bell and they put so much oatmeal in the ground beef. It's like 50-50 ground beef and oatmeal. I know that pregnant women are not supposed to eat Taco Bell. It's on their website. Really? You can go on the Taco Bell website. It's like not recommended for women that are pregnant or may be pregnant. Those are steroids. Very interesting. Is it the steroids or how they make the meat? I mean, I don't feel like oatmeal would be bad for a baby, but I mean, the shit that you pump in the meat might be. Speaking of pumping in meat,

Nico. Yeah. What's going on? I'm waiting for it. I know. I'm like, what? And go. Oh, no, that was it. I was just, I was. You were just saying, you were like, Nico, what are you doing? Let's go on, Nico. And here live, speaking of meat, Nico. Nico Ortiz, everyone.

I really like Taco Bell. Keep going. You have to do the face so we punch you on it. Taco Bell is my favorite food. Sometimes they got cinnamon twists. Okay. Back to you.

Go on. No, you got to get back to me. Okay. Back to me. I was just talking. Well, it was his voice. But yeah, I don't know what you're talking about. That was you. This is all I want. I was like, let's just have chaos for like a solid hour and a half and then we'll be good to go. I just wanted to watch you guys just.

I'm not your fucking experiment guy. You are. You are. No, don't act like you're the volunteer. We watched you talk. This is, this, you're, you, you motherfucker. Eli is literally a child. This whole time was just a ploy to get me to make coke jokes about you. So you have succeeded. Man, you played me for a fool. I'm like, wait, what the fuck is happening? Go.

Go on over here. Oh my no no your pupils have slowly got smaller. Eli's like a fucking seven year old just putting different bugs in a fucking jar together and shaking it. I want to show you this. This was missed. I want to see if I can show you make my pupils smaller and bigger. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

He thinks he can do it. Let me see. Alright. Don't fucking... Don't fuck boys. Wait for them to like settle. I'm watching them. Okay. Are they big or are they small? They're fucking huge. Okay. Wait.

Are they changing at all? No, you're just after getting smaller. Do you love me? I got smaller. You worked. You can't control your pupils. Dude, I just did. That's what I was trying to get through. He's like, I can make my pupils smaller. I was like, wow, science. Science is going to be a bitch for you. He's like, watch this.

Are they big or small? That means you can't control them if you're asking the fucking question. Questions come head to head. I can make my people smaller. Oh, fuck. Please don't. I'm going to do it right now. Dude, I just pulled you over because you were speeding. I'm going to make my people small right now. Look at them. Just touch your nose. Just touch your nose. No! That's how 80%...

I know if a fucking coke head did that and you're like just touch it and they're like You're like wait hold the fuck on. Do it again. Yeah, wait relax them

People just open back up and you're like, "What the fuck?" Every mattress has a 20 year warranty. Some even has 25. And you can try it out for 101 nights. If you don't like it, you can send it back. - How do you put up with him? Do you tune him out like your child? - One of my favorite parts about Ghosted is that mattress has cooling technology in it. So you don't get hot at night unless you're Batty. You can tell he sweats. Do you sweat, Batty?

Does the cooling technology help that? Batty, wrong camera. GhostBed also offers bundles. It's kind of like sauna. Still going, Seth. GhostBed.com is having a 30% off if you use code UNSUB right now or to go to www.ghostbed.com slash unsubscribe and get your 30% off on your new cooling technologically advanced mattress.

Betting technology. Betting technology. Also, I would just like to formally apologize about the Superman and the Witcher thing. We love you. We love you. What is this? We love you. We're doing ad reads. Stop it. It's not a podcast. This isn't an ad read. Are you looking at me or big? You. I'm looking at you.

- Let me see. - Use code unsubscribe over at ghostmed.com guys. - Did I ever tell you about what a crazy, didn't I? - Yeah, I think I did. I think I did tell you, nevermind. - Which one? - How I went to, I was a rookie in the police department and the guy pulled out a fake badge. - Oh boy. - No. - Wait, hold on. - I'll make it this short. I went to, I was a rookie. - Or long. - What's that? - Or long. - Nah, I'll make it short. - I said. - Yeah, if I make it long, it'll be boring. You can only stretch it out so far.

We joke. So I'm rookie on the police department. I'm with my field training officer. Go to a call. Mental health assistance is needed. So we go to the call. There's mental health people there. We go into the building. Got to talk to this dude. He's got to go get reevaluated at the hospital and get his meds up. Probably stay the night, maybe a week.

at most getting reevaluated for his mental health, right? So we get there and the kid's like normal as shit. Like, man, I don't want to go. I got my meds re-upped like two weeks ago. You're going to make me stay there for a week. I don't want to go. And I'm like, dude, this for like 15 minutes, this kid is like making a valid like point. I don't want to go to get reevaluated for my mental health. I know what I have. I'm

I'm aware of what I have. I have my meds. They were just updated and I don't want to go back because I know you're going to make me spend a couple of days there and I don't want to spend a couple of days there. I'm good. And I'm like looking at my field training officer, like, what do you want me to do, man? Like, what are we supposed to do? We're supposed to like lock him up and take him to the hospital. He seems fine. Like, I don't know what they're seeing, but they're not telling me that he's crazy. They're well, they're saying that he's crazy, but I'm not seeing any craziness. Like what the fuck? And he's like,

All right, let's talk to him for a little bit. And I was like, okay, done and done. That was what some people might call a teaching moment, which I wasn't open to, you know, because I was like thinking that. You're like, let him go. He's fine. Listen to him. This dude is okay. Yeah. Let's sit down and have a conversation. Yeah, my FTO was like, good. Yeah, you're right. Sure. Sweet. Talk to him. I was like, yeah, I will. He's like, good. And I'm like, not realizing this guy's going crazy.

Fucking talk to him. See how it's going. No, I took it as, oh, talk to him. Yes, yeah. This is great.

Because I'm dumb. And so I'm like, hey, bud, you know what's going on? This and the other thing. Okay, cool. Yeah, super white. Nice officer here. I'm here to save you. Officer privilege showing up. Nice to meet you. You didn't go to a private school? Why? And so I talked to him and after like still he's normal as shit. And after a couple of weeks he's like, yeah, man, you know, I just want to go. And I'm like, I'm one of you. Like, you know what I mean? And I'm like,

What do you mean one of me? Reset just a smidge. Let's backtrack. What do you mean one of me? I'm one of you. I'm an officer. I'm like, oh, shit. Say again your last. What the fuck is going on? Yeah, what do you mean you're an officer? He's like, yeah, man, I'm an officer just like you. And he goes like this. I'll do it to the camera. He goes, yeah, man, I'm an officer like you.

And I go, dude, what was that? And he goes, that was my badge. I go, can you show that again? He goes, yeah. Exactly like I just did. Showing nothing, by the way, in case you thought there was. Oh, that was at your. Oh, there was. It was literally this. It was actually fucking. It was just three fingers. I was waiting for a badge. Like, it's like a metal badge. It's just this. No. Exactly that. Yeah, it's just fingers. You ready to go back in time? This is exactly what happened. Verbatim. Real time. I'm just like you.

With that face. Me. What was that? What was that? Him. That's my badge. And I go, how come I can't see it? And he goes, because it's made out of Freon. And I go, isn't that what you cool your car with? Like your car. He's like, yeah. And I'm a rapper. And I'm like, oh.

Oh, shit. Spit them bars, bro. Spit them. And he was just like, uh, uh, trash. Absolute trash. Can't forget that he was a rapper. He was...

He was a crack baby rapper if he thought he was with his split personality disorder. And then he thought he was something else. And then we had to take him to the hospital to get reevaluated because obviously there he was. We let him go. And then he just walks out like I did my job. You know what? The meds worked. He's doing great. And he's streaming. And he's right here. I made it out, guys. I just made it out. The show is that bad. Unfortunately, it is. The show is that bad. Yeah, it is.

He's still got a debilitating coke habit, but he's, you know, he's making it. And what he suffered from was, you know, permanent fuck boy face. And dude, the chin can cut glass, but the brain is dull as a box of rocks. I'm a tardy. Punch it and zoom in, play that in slow motion.

I'm retarded. If that is not a sound on TikTok. I'm retarded. Capital R retarded. That's my ringtone when you text. You can't replicate the authenticity in I'm retarded. I'm retarded.

And I could just see it like, private, why are you walking around with a garbage bag attached to the back of a Humvee? I'm retarded. I was supposed to get these exhaust samples. Private looking around for grid squares. I'm retarded. I'm retarded.

- E7 sleeping with an E1. - I'm retarded. - That's the new military thing. Oh, that's a meme. - Well, 'cause the fucking big series right now is the whole like dumb ways to die. It's like dumb ways to die. Now it's like, I'm retarded.

Oh god, that's where it starts right here. Do you know how many videos I'll make with that sound? I was gonna say, I'll make videos of me being dumbass too. Like, one of my videos will be being retarded, but now I can do it with my own audio. It's gonna be great. Rich, why don't you come on this podcast? It always just gets back to Nico. I'm retarded. Ringtone. I'm retarded. So we're gonna turn it into like a beat. I'm retarded.

Nico gets canceled. Oh, no. He's retarded. Is it because I'm a Chinese or a Mexico, bro? I'm a Mexico, bro. I'm a Chinese. I'm a Chinese. Let's get it. Are we behind the paywall yet or no? No, not yet. This is still. I won't make these jokes. Oh, wow.

- The sound, your flock. - I already did that at the beginning. - No. - I did. - You didn't. - Yeah, I did. - You just auto clicked the auto sync. - I will play that fucking thing back. Oh yeah, I clapped. I was like, first thing I was like, get clapped. - Fucking 30 seconds in. - Got sap, get clapped. - Done. - Already got it. - Oh dang, I had a question and I'm like, fuck, it was gone. - I've been there before, TBI, it's a thing.

You're one. I'm one with the I. The TBI. Wait, what was your ID blast? What was it? It was a suicide car bomb. Did it pull next to it? No, it was in front of a concrete wall. It was like the eight-foot concrete wall. It was like 50 feet away from it. Oh, dang. It fucking rattles. Oh, yeah, it threw me back. It sounded like a fart. You like that? Yeah. It was to mask the fart. Man, it sounded like a tight butthole letting go of some hot gas. Yeah.

I'm retarded. I'd suck at it. Man, if we don't have a theme for this entire podcast. What's going to be the thumbnail? The thumbnail is the fuckwit podcast.

I'm retarded or like cocaine and massive amounts of drugs or something like that. It's just Nico Ortiz the title. It's just I'm retarded. And then it's like a table with like fucking a bunch of different drugs. And I'm just like. Yeah, well photos. Your eye will just have an eye really big. And then your Chinese eyes.

I'm just waiting to be like put on the stand and somebody's going to read this out loud. I'm like, were you next to a man that said I'm Chinese? No, Mexico. I don't remember that. I had a lot of drinks. Did you say you're going to make a lot of videos about being a

No, I didn't. I said I was going to use the phrase, I'm retarded. And if you play it again, it's going to be hysterical. Just one more time. One more time. Can you play it? Why is nobody laughing in the courtroom? I'm just like...

- Someone's wheeling, you know how Niko's wheeling out the fucking, the TV cart with the VCR. - Do you know how dead I would be? How just like crying, doubled over and laughed at if an entire courtroom was not laughing at the replay of you going, "I'm retired." And then being like, "Is this offensive? I'm retired." If the room wasn't giggling, I would be-- - You're laughing.

- I'm the stand erupting, just dying while everybody's just like, "I'm retarded." - I'm retarded. - I'm retarded. - Niko's like, "I'm retarded." - I'm just standing there in the corner and I'm like, "Oh, I'm gonna start rapping and shit." - I'll have to call you up when it gets played. You can't bring camcorders in there, but I'm sure you can sneak one up your butthole. - It's like those crickets I heard when I ran 12 miles. - Yeah, cricket wireless. I heard Johnny texting Sam about meth.

The AI is like they said I'm retarded

800 times in 45 minutes. I think it's a legit total probably about 80. I think we said it about 80 times. But the thumbnail is going to be retarded Nico. So it's like confusion set in. Confucius said I'm retarded. Confucius with the...

Next like why was I on this episode? I could have not been on this episode and before Comments like was Nick talking all that shit percent Nick and Nick so when they gets bears

You get canceled from this episode. Oh, I'm going to lie and say I'm batty. We even established that I have a nose ring. For sure. Say hello to Fatty. Nobody can tell the difference. Same, same difference. We got an overweight ginger with a beard and bad forearm tattoos. Who can tell? Damn.

It's my life. I actually got nice tattoos. The single needle. Where's your tattoos at? On my back. I decided to be a normal, hardworking American that could get a normal job and not be a vagabond delinquent on the internet selling their bodies and the useless thoughts of, I'm retarded. I thought I'd get a normal 9 to 5 so I can cover up my tattoos. What's your tattoo of? It's just a family crest. Or is it? It could be a big black dildo.

It could be, ah, shit, I can't make all the jokes I want to because they're going to... Wait, what is your tattoo? Is it just a family crest? I can't tell you. Irish? Oh, it's a secret. I'm going to find out. Oh, I don't want to know that. Rip off your shirt while you're sleeping. I like this shirt. Oh, you think I wear a shirt when I'm sleeping? You're going to be pleasantly horrified.

You're going to try to rip it off and my chest is going to be knuggled deep. You're going to be like, and then you're going to see me like just sweating and growling like a bear with like my chest ripped off and you're going to feel pain like it will not be enjoyable. I disagree. I've seen Nico enjoy some weird shit.

Wait, what? Don't worry about it. Pain and violence is my thing, man. Oh.

That's the title of Nico's book when he writes one pain and violence is my thing I feel like you had your nipples pierced at one point. No Dude, you know what people try to talk me into that though. I'm just like no why really don't no fucking idea What I'm never doing for you to do Way down on my 12-mile run

Do you know how much your nipples chafe when you got bars in them and you're trying to run, you got an all cotton shirt rubbing up and down while you're coked out running really fast. He maintains a seven minute mile for 12 miles. Nico has a great heart conditioning. Yeah. And by heart condition, it's just never stopped. It never explodes. Sounds like that lady, the black lady that played Catwoman, the original Batman. It's just constantly...

Well, okay, if you want to be caught off guard, when you came down the first time to Texas, you were like, oh, I'm doing my celibate thing. And I was like, eh, what? Wait, hold the fuck on. Did you say celibate? Yeah, celibate. Tell me more. Does that mean that you weren't masturbating either? You were staying... Oh, dude, I was fucking masturbating like crazy, bro. J-O-N-L-D-O-N. I was going in with my hand, bro. But no girls. He was just like, no girls. Fucking J-O-N, no girls. I was like, what the fuck?

What? What's the point? Andrew Tated it for two years, bro. And that's why I'm at where I'm at now. I was like, I'm not going to look, talk to girls for two years. Nothing. I'm just going to fuck my hand. And the thing fucking turned out for me. Do you think that this is good? It's better than nothing. No. Fuck.

Okay. We're just into different things. That's all. I don't. Yeah. Go on, Nick, please. I want you to do more coke. If it means you'll stop this. I should be chilling. No, you're not. Holy shit. You're bouncing off the walls more than a rubber ball in the middle of an epileptic seizure's hand. You just said.

Gave up women. I just fucked my hand. Yeah for two years bars two fucking whole years. Yeah, I went celibate I was like that was Fucking these bitches right and I was like fuck I ain't doing shit other than fucking these bitches I did what a bunch of random normal dudes do all the time I Legit just one day. I was like nah, bro. I was like I'm not focused on anything I was like I have no drive to like

be more than what I am right now. And I was like, I need to focus on myself. Did for two years. - Oh, and you crushed it for those two years. 'Cause that's when you blew up on everything, which I will give him that. I was like, bro, that's discipline. - Yeah, I wish you probably bought stock in Kleenex, but. - Maybe it's a magic hand. - What's that hand? Why is it your left hand?

Cuz he's busy typing on Twitter. I use both motherfucker. Are you ambi? You pulled this one out first and I was like, "wha?" Are you left-handed? No, I'm right-handed. I gotta eat with my left hand though. Does that make me more retarded than I am? Wait, what? Bro, if I like eat cereal or like eat at a restaurant, I eat with my left hand. If I eat with my right hand, I'm going coordinated. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait

- So you can only, like, you eat with your right hand all the time, but not if it's cereal. - No, no, no, no, no. - I'm not done talking. - No, I gotta correct you. - But cereal, this is what you said, but I gotta eat left with my cereal. And if I'm in a restaurant, public, then I gotta eat with my left hand. - So basically,

Thanks, you gotta eat with your feet. So imagine utensils. Imagine those? No, they're real. I got them. So utensils, a fork or like a spoon. Are you trying to describe utensils? Fork or spoon. Do you know what they are? Oh my God, you are...

I'll eat it, bro. I'll be like this. I'll be like... Fucking not being able to fucking properly get that shit to my mouth. One of them is literally just a stabbing tool. They're technically both a stabbing tool. You stab with a spoon? I can stab with a spoon. Am I wrong? Yes. No. There's a confirmed kill with an MRE spoon. So, I mean, technically...

No, no. One guy out of a million doesn't mean that it's a confirmed fact. I didn't say there was two. I said there was one. Yes, that's what I said. I said one guy out of a million. Right. That's confirmed. I said one and then you said no and then disagreed. No, 30. What? I said no just because one guy out of a million does a thing doesn't mean that that's what the tool is used for. It does mean it's doable though.

It doesn't mean it's the norm. Nobody. Yeah, nobody. I can stab somebody with a car engine if it landed on the right angle. That doesn't mean car engines are meant to be stabbed. No, no, no, no. Gravity could stab somebody with a car engine if it landed on the right angle, to use your exact words against you. You're not stabbing shit. Am I the only person that is not on the spectrum in this entire conversation? And is there a bug on me? Because of me.

Everybody but you maybe it's you

I don't know. Elon Musk, everybody say then he's a gosh dang genius. And I'm not going to lie. I am very much Elon Musk when compared to the three of you. In what way? Yes, sir. But elaborate. I'd rather dig a tunnel and get away from all of you. That's what I'd rather do than stay around and have this conversation. But why?

Yeah. I thought you liked us. You're not having fun here? Say that again the way that you just said that. I thought you liked us. There we go. There's the tism. No. You're all very scary. I'm here against my will. You are probably going to run me down. I'll catch you. I know you will. I'm very fast. You can tell by the dinner plate. It doesn't take much except for a little bit of fairy dust. Why do you think he's stuck in between us? I don't know.

I was like, oh, these two sitting side by side is going to be a very good time. As you said, it's like bugs. I'm like, just watching in the corner. A spider in a jar. Okay. The deranged is winning. I just sit here. I'm just like, okay, go. That's where you think this conversation has been all day. Every episode goes. Come on. Go, go, go, go.

Rich has been on the offensive the entire time. I don't even know what I'm on right now. Not what you guys are on because it is a fucking high level or whatever it is. I get it. I feel like you've weaponized fentanyl or something and it's in the air.

It's like we're just slowly blowing it into the room. It's like a fever dream. That is what everyone just looks forward to. They're like, ah. Does everyone look forward to it? This looks like a really bad Joe Rogan ayahuasca experiment. Oh, but it's going to do good. You need to watch this podcast and eat elk meat and you're going to really see the, you're going to see this.

I've never done the ayahuasca. Neither have I. I don't need to. That's good. Yeah. It's like eat a tree root. See God. Like I could just not. That's the most terrifying thing for me. And so what? That is the most terrifying thing. When all my friends explain doing ayahuasca, I'm like, nah, you're dead. What is that? You've never heard of ayahuasca? DMT. Yeah. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's,

LSD on fucking. Native Americans would use it and smoke it and or take it in and then it would create a chemical reaction similar to LSD where they would see a spirit. And the weird thing about ayahuasca, and there's another term for like the medical one that's not found. That's DMT, right? No, it's close. But it's not. It's different. It's like a stronger form of DMT. Ayahuasca is like the normal occurring natural thing.

element chemical compound, but there is also a medical compound where they create it in the lab. It's got a different term. But either way, the thing was when they're on ayahuasca, when individuals are on ayahuasca, unrelated events, people billions of miles away, doing it at different times, never hearing or seeing from one another, have experienced extremely similar things like seeing or meeting an entity or describing an entity that they've met in this weird environment

plane of existence and they're like, you know, people say that it's God and whatever. Or like a, you know, like a look into the sixth dimension, et cetera. It's if you've never, the guys have explained it. It's like, oh yeah, it's like facing your worst fear for, for 48 hours straight and dying.

thousands of times over until you conquer that fear and then you're good to go and that's how people explain it yeah i threw up and shit myself all over and then i was doing that i was like that sounds fucking miserable yeah i'm not doing that miserable drugs no no bro a lot of people are doing ayahuasca in a synthetic form of it and something else in as as medical procedures to

rehabilitate ptsd and it's worked for a lot it's a lot it has a very high extremely effective a high effect high effective it's try it right here right now and i'll just freaking freak out panic no but that's what when you're doing all this you can be like so your mind is in lala land you're doing all of this the world is breaking shifting your points and you're like this

Dinner plates. You're running 12 miles. You're living lives. You're living full ass lives. But imagine. Catch a year and you're just like.

Niko, I want you to imagine sitting still on this chair, but in your mind, you might have blown a line and decided to run 12 miles on a highway with, you know, one side is well lit, one side isn't, and, you know, one side's, you know. Damn. Be crazy. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you. And then it's like, I'm just like. Dude, you get. The drug kicked in.

Hiawaska and the other one where they just strap you to a bed. Yeah. What? You're under like...

Observation. Your medical observation. Like they are watching you and checking your vitals. It is like a full routine, but it just sounds fucking terrifying and miserable. It's like, nah. Yeah. I had vets talk to me about it. You should do it for your PTSD. I'm like, man, like sometimes you just need Tylenol for a sprained ankle. Like I'm good with just talking to a shrink every once in a while and being like, hey, friends, I'm having a bad time. Make me feel good. Let's talk about this. And I'm good. I don't need to be like...

my dog's speaking to me i don't need that either i'm in the exact same level where i'm like that sounds absolutely fucking mortifying where i just as you said it's like hey man i'm feeling kind of sad oh what are you feeling buddy well this okay great it's not like turn on the pink floyd and they're like eli what's wrong

And I'm there for 24 hours not being able to vocalize anything that's going on. I thought that the high lasted like three or four hours. The big ones are 24. Imagine dying. That's 24 hours. It's eight to 24 hours. But in their head, as people said, it is lifetimes that are passing in this time. So like JT talks about it. He's like, yeah, it felt like fucking 18 lifetimes. I'm like.

I don't want 100 years to pass like inception. How do you know that you didn't already smoke it and this is like your 17th lifetime that you're just living through right now? Because this is just a nightmare. Which is what they say.

If this is my brain where I'm like, man, I'm on my 18th death, I'm going to start a podcast and talk about the Chinese and balloons. I'm not in a good spot. That means that like nine out of your deaths out of the 18th are going to be white, and this is one of the white ones. You're going to wake up in the hospital bed, and the police officer of the safety is going to be there, the electrician that's fixing the TV. Oh, God, that is...

- And Nico my gay lord. He's like, I got you. - I'm the top dude. - I wake up to that dream. I'm handcuffed to the bed. You're all in pain. You're fucking repairing the TV and the fucking angry cops and the police officer just give the police report. I'm like, oh no.

And he goes to the mailman and he's just going, he's retired. He's retired. And I'm like, is he brain dead or what? He's retired. And he's just like short circuiting the TV, playing reruns of fucking Bryce is Right. And all you keep hearing is Spader New Year Dog. Spader New Year Dog. Spader New Year Dog. Spader New Year Dog. Oh my God. And I'm Matt.

- Matt! - No, we, wait, wait, I fucked that up. And that's the unsubscribe podcast. We have the fat electrician, Mr. Angry Cops and Nico Ortiz. Where do we find you? - Where do we find you at? - He's on weretarded.com. - There you go. - Flux just gonna put that right there. - He will, he will, 'cause he's a gem. - Oh, Flux is a gem. - Weretarded.com. - Where do we find you, Mr. Angry? - At YouTube, Angry Cops.

That's it. You know what? Actually, don't even say that. I just start to say, don't find me. Blur out. In federal court. Blur out everything. He's a nigga. What do you? You can look all day.