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Did you record? Is this? That one's on now, so it's recording. Is it recording? Yes. No, that one. Yeah. The one that you yelled at me about not playing. Batty, who did the audio? Do you want me to push it this time? Do what you want me to do. Who did the audio last time? Batty, why the audio? There's four bars. I see four bars. I see four bars. Flood, can you punch it on those four bars? We've had like five episodes where one mic wasn't plugged in. Like a mic fell out over here and we don't check it because we're drinking. Five mics. Yeah, yeah.
Why would you check it? It's not like this is important or great. No, you gotta stretch it. I gotta fit it. Oh, okay. We all got... Get in there. Everything reminds me of her. Are these cold or hot? Oh, they're hot. There it is. I heard if you put one of these on, the drink lasts longer.
I don't know how to get mine on, I've never had one. - It's a buddy team, it's a buddy. - Oh no, I got it dude. - Oh man, it's hard. - I hear in European countries it's more normal. - Well, I am Jewish so mine's expertly cut exactly as long as it needs to be. There it is.
Yeah on the bottom you can see where they're cut happen on the top it just transitions to normal skin. There it is. Cheers everybody. Shane clap for us. Oh perfect. There we go. We haven't done a good clap in a few episodes. Yeah our
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's really it's not great awful actually you don't have a producer this is how it's He does it for when we sit down a drinker So we joke whatever somebody left a comment was like how do you guys like edit? This is it or he's like does he edit it based off their alcoholism? He's like kinda it's when they crack their beers. That's how I think There it is
All of them rolling? Yeah, we did it today. Well, for the first time. We'll see. Like, yeah, let's not. Let's calm down. We got an hour to burn through here before something breaks. Now I'm worried. I'm not. You should be. Do you want a Burger King? Don't put that brain in left hand. Say hi to Eli. His racially ambiguous daddy. That guy's fucking ridiculous. Donut.
It's harder to rhyme, but he's a really nice guy. Welcome to unsubscribe. Hey guys, thanks for watching unsubscribe podcast. Make sure wherever you're listening or watching, whether it's on YouTube, Castro, Spotify, Apple, Google, Amazon, Podbean, Stitcher, or...
That's all of them. Please leave a comment, like it, thumbs up it, give it a rating of five stars, whatever you do. It helps the podcast out immensely. And Donut and Eli will be very happy if you do that. And we want to make Donut and Eli happy today. Yeah. Five stars on everything and a comment if there is possible because we need to be at the top. Donut, say something motivating. Come on.
And that's where the... That is... Come subscribe! Cody, start that fucking bitch. Hi everyone, Unsubscribe Podcast here. I'm joined today by Batty Streams, Eli DoubleFap, and Shane Smith, who is a wonderful human being. It's me, I'm wonderful. Fuck Shane! Start off hard on this, Batty, you look beautiful today. You're glowing almost. You do, you got beard oil in? What's going on with you? Batty's pregnant.
Last night we went to the place And we were talking the guy who had a vasectomy and it didn't take and he's like yeah fucking oh
Yeah, and I was like shit, I'm sweating right now because I'm literally about to get a vasectomy in a little bit. Wait, it didn't take? What do you mean? In a little bit? Like after the pod? No, like in a couple weeks. I'm trying. I have my first check and shit. I don't ever want kids. I'm fucking taking care of that. And he was like, yeah, I had a vasectomy and she got pregnant twice. I'm like, what the fuck? Yeah, dude, that's crazy. It's not your baby? Yeah, that's my thing. I was like, did you Maury Povich this? Did you check it out?
Are they not? I thought they were like kind of full. Well, you're supposed to go back. You're supposed to go back and get checkups to make sure your little swimmers are dead. I guess not dead, but blocked. From the context of the story, I feel like that's not. I think the doctor opened up his balls, forgot what he was doing, and he was like, this guy wants more sperm, right? The nurse is like, I don't know. Yeah, yeah. This is widening. There we go. Connecting four cum tubes together.
- I thought it was weird when I went from four regular ropes to 19 ropes. - Put some exhaust pipes in there. - He's really gonna fucking blow when that fucking turbo charges. - Inflatable. - So I'm sitting here like, so I'm like, yeah, what do you mean it didn't work? What? - Had to pull out still? - Nah. - You gotta keep going. - Nah, dude, I actually think don't get a vasectomy. It feels better to do it inside.
when there's risk. You know what I'm talking about? Like, I want, I want our, I want us both to be like really putting something down on the future right there. It's like, this might, this might ruin everything. I want to be sweating. You're going to make me come now. I want to be sweating on the trip. Oh, dude, you know what? Nothing's hot. Next couple of weeks, I'm like,
When a girl goes, we shouldn't have done that afterwards. You want to do it again right now? Yeah, dude. It's like 99.5% effective. We got to call that guy. Only one out of...
One woman out of every 1,000 end up pregnant within a year of their partner receiving a vasectomy. Yo, I'm a gambling man, I like them all. Your son's Mexican, you're both white. That guy's not unleaded, he's premium. He's fucking really doing it, dude. That's diesel. That's what that is, that's diesel.
He's got those Goldberg sperm just spearing right through. He's gonna walk up to his wife friend, "How you doing?" "Shit, I got you pregnant!" I just- the sperm coming up to a dark, close hole and they're like, "Ehhhhhhh! Gah!" The rest floats around and opens in one egg and one sperm is holding it open and it just closes up.
Just sacrificing it so they all turn around and the holes closing that one big sperm I got myself out. And get pulled back. Remember!
"FOR THE MENOMEE!" "I just gotta have the fucking Tropic Thunder survive!" It's the- it's the- it's the- it's the fucking Savior of Avariant where he's like, "Earn this!" "Earn this!" Matt Damon the sperm is just fucking going in on the egg. Oh no...
This is episode 69 69 69 boy on top. Yeah, that's what this My buddy mine was with this chicken she never wanted to be on top during 69 So the whole time he's just sitting there just ball slapping her. Oh, yeah, but hole in face
I mean like she's either been there. She's either a throat goat or he's either. He might be telling himself a little bit. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? Because the balls. Yeah, I guess if they're low, if you got low balls, my balls are tight, dude. They're high and tight and hot, though. You're sweaty there. You know, they're not cramped up. I mean, unless you're outside in the snow, your butthole is just in their face. Yeah, dude. They're blocking it.
Your balls are, there's, it's dick, balls, butthole. There's a barrier of balls just slapping her in the face. She's got the mosquito. She's got goggles, man. It looks like two over easy eggs. Just sitting there like, yeah, this is enjoyable. I really enjoy this.
We have a new shirt dropping with episode 69 it's the the porn on the unsub porn sub hub Shub hell yeah speaking is 69 tism
I don't know how to transition naturally into this shirt, but it also launches on the same day. Yeah. Wait, the tism. You're fucking it all up. You're too short. Be taller. Hey, there we go. That's the one we're all giving to autism research. Yes. They're not complete scumbags. Yeah. We are not profiting off of the tism touch. Off of...
As much as I fought against profiting off of it, the guys led me straight into it. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What's the research project? It's just money going to a bunch of guys in a room watching train videos on YouTube. Hmm, interesting, yes. It's just like writing down... Is my son doing the research? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, run, here's a grand, good luck. Jump, daddy. 18 hours later, I'm like, well...
It counts. But yeah, we have 100,000 subs. Yep. Incredible. This will be when this drops Wednesday. In under a year? In a little over a year, we hit 100,000 subs. But like the first 20 episodes shouldn't count. No. Those are rough. Yeah, what were you guys up to? We didn't know what we were doing. We were just...
Getting way too drunk and recording. Yeah, okay. Yeah, there's like an iPhone a Canon camera and another I guess are rough. Yeah sound never works whatsoever for fucking anyone We were like taking the audio off of the iPhones and shit. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah, we've come a long way time We still fucked it up last time. So yeah, we still fuck it up. We're real good. I mean Eli and me I
We haven't been canceled. That's really cool. Dude, that is a big thing. And most of the episodes are green. Most. Most. Most. The ads are happy. Can't say all of them. 100,000, episode 69, got our buddy Shane. I'm here. Stupid Shane. Stop touching our guests. Never. No, he can. Oh, see. We're going full consent over here. We talked about this on the drive. We did. I said, hey, you have enthusiastic consent for whatever you need to do during the podcast. Yeah.
That's what you want, man. I'm the best kind. I'm the best kind, honestly. Well, just regular consent isn't enough because then it's kind of like, well, I guess. I guess you can bust my cheese. Can you be excited about it? Yeah, yeah, exactly. I want you to get into it. I want you to like it too, baby. This is me and Eli, not another thing. This is different from this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, the drive. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Shane is our first guest other than Donut.
That doesn't didn't drink on an episode. Donut lasted two weeks, though. I did like three weeks. Three weeks. I didn't drink on episode once. You have a reset. I did. I had like a big reset. I had another one last month. I got peer pressured at the very end to drink like two sips. But yeah. What was the difference? Did your life improve? No, no, I didn't talk. And I was just like this. I don't know what to say now. He said he's like, I stopped drinking.
Life's boring. Yeah. I'm bored as fuck. Life's a nightmare. I'm going to. Yeah, dude, that's me. I'm just raw dogging life all the time. It's fucking terrible. I'm hitting it raw. He drinks this man. And there's no joke. Twenty four cans of Diet Coke a day. Yeah. Yeah. Conservative estimate, because that's not including when I go out, when I'm eating, you
Things like this. Dude, what am I? I didn't know this story on Reddit. Girl went on a fucking date. She was like, what the fuck? It was like whatever Reddit sub it was. It's like went on a date with a fucking weirdo. He just kept drinking Diet Cokes.
I love Diet Coke so much. It was me. It was my drink. It was him. It was me. What? It was like a viral Reddit, but like all these people on Reddit were like, yo, fuck this clown ass bitch little boy who just drinks Diet Coke on a date. That's weird. What kind of grown man? And then I'm crying at my computer like.
I'm the one! And so I screenshot it and post it on Twitter like it's a joke like fuck it this was me man and then it went viral too and that didn't help. It's not like women see like oh you drink six diet cokes I should suck your dick about it. That's not how that works.
Do you have diet sperm now? Yeah, man. Dude, my sperm is carbonated, bro. I got that sparkling jizz. That first pops. It shoots out really fast. Yeah, yeah, yeah, dude. Watch out, it falls. It's spicy, too, like McDonald's Sprite. It's not the normal type of carbonated. That's really going to get you laid now. Thank you. I have spicy sperm. It burns.
Yeah. What came from that? Like, were your friends like, holy fuck, dude. All my friends, you know, there's no way to like know me personally without being like, dude, you're really fucking putting away. So all my friends were just like, yeah, that figures. But I had a crazy amount of people just be like,
It wasn't that they were like, that's gross and you're going to die. Those people did exist. They're like, you're dead any day now. And I'm like, well, bitch, I've been drinking this much for like 10 years. So good luck. I'm going to get superpowers or die. Those are my two options. But a lot of people were just like, that's not what adults do. You should act like an adult when you're on a date. And I was like, who are you? What are you?
That's what adults do. I was having a nice conversation with a lady. Notice how she didn't say like, oh, I went on a date with a guy. Total fucking creepy. Asked about my asshole several times or something like that.
Weird, you know? It wasn't like I did anything disrespectful. I just drank soda. Of all the, like, when you're a woman and you go on a date with a stranger, what's the thing you're most worried about? Getting murdered. I drank six Diet Cokes. I'm sorry. I just picture she's looking over at her turn and you're like. I just absolutely smacked, just crushing them on my, like a tower of cans. Or at a nice restaurant, I brought my own cans. It's a case of it's this. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Oh my God. - Would you like one? - Would you like a Diet Coke? - I will say when I was young, I was so white trash that sometimes I would go to places and I would bring my own double gulp of soda. That's not great. I know what was wrong to do that. That was not good. - Well, I don't know how to transition this first. Do we go in this? You brought up superpowers and I don't think you know we do this. - Oh man. - You get to pick a superpower, but we get to tell you if it's been used and you have to change it. - Firstly,
I would like to say that this is, this relates to something I've been, I am banned from doing local news to promote my comedy shows because of this question. And now I will answer the question and I guarantee you, you have never heard this before. My superpower would be that I can sunshine myself and then wake up the next day. Like nothing happened.
We have that already. No wait Brandon's is he can't love himself. He won't but he can no he can he just self-generates every time yeah he just yeah no had that I like you were like I got him it's like no one of the person we just had brunch with if he tries to himself I'll kill myself so much how did
How did he use the power, though? Sunshine yourself. How did he use the power? Oh, depression. Okay, so mine's not depression. I use mine as a weapon against other people, okay? Let's say you're at the movie theater, and there is someone talking. And you're like, hey, be quiet, please. I'm a little confrontational. I don't like when people talk in movie theaters. I'll give them the one, like, hey, hey, shh. Shut the fuck up.
fuck up. Then they keep talking. They ignore me and I go, all right, well, you just fucking ruined your own day. And then I, you know, I walk down, I get to the end of the row, you know, and I go into their row and then you ask the first person you want the ball to the ass and they always say ass. No one wants the ball. So you turn the ass towards him and then you scoot through. Right. And I get to the guy who won't stop talking and I'm like, I just want you to know this is your fault. You did this. And then I pull out a gun and I fucking blow my head off right in front of him. Guess who doesn't talk in movie theaters anymore? That.
That fucking guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Trauma. That's your superpower. And then I wake up the next day. And then also, you know, it comes in useful at times. Let's say your girlfriend invites you to a bad wedding. You just pop into the bathroom and you're like, you know what?
I'm looking out of here. - Oh, we'll get him tomorrow. - Bright and groom are gonna love that wedding. - Oh yeah. - You remember our wedding? Yeah, he killed himself in the bathroom. - My idea then, the negative, so we get to pick your negative offset to the superpower. I would have it where he can't remember
That what led up to him waking up the next day. So he's just a dickhead? Like you run into that guy, he's like "Fuck you!" and you're like "What'd I do bro?" The wedding party that you just fucking- Friends don't call you anymore. Hey don't hang out with Shane, he'll uh, he'll uh, himself.
Everyone's just like, what did I do? Why did I do this? You never know the why of how you activate your superpower. Cody's is my favorite, probably. He has the power to fly. He has to yell racial slurs in order to fly. Not doing a lot of work in the inner city. When the Section 8 housing catches on fire, they don't. There's another hero to save. I'm going to get a ladder. I'll be
right back. Hey, you fly? No. I love that. Cody's walking with a ladder. You can fly, Cody. Use your power. It's not working today. Well, I mean, I'll use my power. Is anyone Jewish around here right now? I'm gonna fly, but I want you to know that I'm cool with everybody. I'm sorry. This doesn't promote who I am as a character. Who
Yeah, the flying fucking bleep. Do you get to choose the slur? Do you can you think of this? Do you have to say the ones or are they random? No, you have to yell them. You have to shout them. You have to shout them. Here's what you do. You got to learn about you got to like go way back. Am I demonetizing already? You got to say gypsy is you got to you got to find some slurs that don't count in America. Like pikey. Yeah, yeah. Like some Romanian slurs or something. Yeah. Whatever.
That means slut, I think, in Hungarian. Nah, that's not fun enough. Some hard ones.
You have to say it in a language that everyone understands. You can do the Hebrew, but it doesn't count. You can do shishka, that one's shishka. They have different versions. It's like a Jewish slur for non-Jewish women. I'm sorry, everybody. All your Israeli listeners are like, that was rough. Face that you guy went hard on non-Jewish women. On the Gentile ladies.
I imagine his superpower like you're laying in bed, and you can't go to sleep one night, so you're just like dude But then you wake up on top of your course you're like The other one his body stays On top of it. It's like all stinky and stuff Here's the thing you get a bad liver you're like well I guess you yourself and you regenerate, but even if you didn't you're like well I kept one of the corpses from 2009
So you gotta freeze yourself. Yeah! Do the cops come up? You're gonna remember something small? No, no, no. And they're like, man had bodies all over his house. That's me! It's cool, everybody! No, watch this trick I don't remember. Because you're still not gonna know what's going on. You wake up and the cops are still there. There's another body! Oh no! How's he doing this?
It's like the prestige. That was one of my favorite movies. I didn't expect it to go the way it did. Right? That one had a turn. Just fucking drink it, Eli. I can't see it. It's not green. Okay, I can live with watermelon lime smash. It's all water. It's just shit spicy water. Shitty spicy water. That's all it is. Diarrhea. Diarrhea.
I mean, probably. Like this in here. It's always a team effort. It's more fun. It's more fun with friends, guys. Oh, dude, you gotta use two hands. Oh, yeah, shit, we didn't even announce these. Over on Bunker Branding now, you can get unsubscribe hard seltzer koozies. Definitely, um... Definitely not. Nothing to do with White Claw. It fits regular ones, but there's a full skin. Yeah!
You fold it like you're peeing. Yeah, fold it back when you have to take a big chug. It's like a fat kiss from a nana eater. I like that you slide it on like a condom. Have you ever had a girl put a condom on there? She's like, I'll do it for you, but then she opens it. You're like, that's not how that fucking works. Roll it on. What are you doing, you maniac? She's like... She just opens it the whole way. You're like, no, no. Don't, like...
I don't know, I haven't seen one of those in like 10 years. Hell yeah, dude. Dude, my great- so, my grandpa, he turns up- Please don't listen to us. I know, this guy is- he was telling me earlier, he was like, I've hit it raw for 10 years. I have no regrets. Nothing's ever happened. He says, I've never been to a doctor.
I'm glad Heather doesn't listen to our podcast. He just buys antibiotics from a Chinese website and he's like, I'm probably fine. Rhino horn. No dick rot. No dick rot, no go. Chew everything in this...
Rhino horn. Very good. Get rid of STD. Also hard as rock, you know. You know? You're so good at it. I'm part Asian, you know. That's like my genetics. Like Asian, Mexican, Irish. Nice. Autism.
So my grandpa, he turns 100 years old in October. What? He's a bad motherfucker. He died 30 years ago. Yeah, he died 30 years ago. He's going to turn 100. My grandpa literally says the Reapers scared to take it. He's fucking insane. He doesn't know how to swim, and he did two beach landings in the Pacific Theater of World War II. Oh, God.
That's right. Yeah. Yeah. I asked, I was like, weren't you, he lied to be able to do it. You know, you have to swim to come with the first way. And he was like, I was like, aren't you afraid of drowning in the ocean? And he said, no, the ocean is afraid of me.
The only person who can say that shit and it be like, oh, it's an old man. Yeah, yeah. Only person. He's fucking crazy. He's from Switzerland. He fucking rules. So he was watching TV with me. We're watching Jeopardy, chilling, doing our regular thing. And this was like a couple months ago. And then a commercial came on for Trojan condoms. And he was like, huh, I wonder what those feel like. This man is 100 years old and he's been hitting it raw the
the whole time? You've never used protection? You have so many uncles and aunts out there, bro. I do. I was like, you've been just running through people your whole life. You don't even know? Do you want to put one on just to see what it's like? That's fucking crazy, bro. Imagine having a gold... His penis is perfect. It's never...
Ours are being crushed by these oppressive devices They make to keep us down, you know? You know, tell them what chemicals are in them, right? Yeah, man, we've got hor- something horrible is happening to our bodies from wearing these and my grandpa, that's why he- that's why he's lived so long. Every time you put on a condom, you shave a month off of your life. I'll be dead in weeks.
well that's the diet coke yeah yeah probably anyway i was like dude that rules never use a condom ever i i jacked off with a condom like when i was like 14 to see what it would be like and even that sucked yeah yeah dude i met someone who said they jack off with a condom all the time because it's easier to clean up
That seems way messier. That seems expensive. The goopy. They stink. Oh yeah, and expensive. It does seem expensive. Yeah, man. This is 75 cents to fucking J.O. Yeah, just get in the fucking shower and make some freshwater jellyfish. There you go.
How messy are you getting with a fucking J-O? Just finish on the carpet and rub it in with your foot like you dropped spaghetti sauce or something, you know? Be an adult. Shane, that's not what an adult does. My dog always comes by and licks that squat for hours. Jeeves, my dog, is like, mmm, you know? He gets up for me. Don't ask him about what he's up to at home. That's when the spouse moves in. It's like, what are you doing? I just J-O in the carpet real quick, rub it in. Dog will get it up later. Rats!
rewind that please one more time a sidecar and the cats jump on the bed and just like go to town yeah man you know what a sidecar is no oh man we had uh old matt best yes he's telling us about when he stays in hotels he does a thing called the sidecar if there's like two beds in the room right he gets on one bed or just a king size yeah our king size just goes to the other end and he just
Leans over and just does it onto the bed and gets in the other bed. Oh, there's a name for that? That's crazy. I do that all the time. He told us there's a name for it. Yeah, you call it life. Yeah, dude. I just call that work smarter, not harder. But...
Sometimes you start and you're like, I'm not going to get up to get a towel. That's fucking crazy. I paid for this room. I'm just going to bust over here and then just roll over. You know, you just combat roll three or four times over and then you fucking fall asleep. It's good.
Dude, this is the most accommodating podcast. I feel like we could do the whole hour. It's episode 69. It really is. Oh, it is. Because we talked about having a porn star on, but we don't know many of those. And they ignored us. I have a video of me having sex you guys can watch. Put it
We react to Shane Smith having sex. That would be so funny. I just show you guys are like, interesting. I didn't know you liked boys. Sometimes. Sometimes. Oh, man. Riley Reid had her baby. So congratulations to Riley. Huge ups to Riley. Yeah. One of the goats. It's true. Isn't Riley...
famous for she's obviously she's super hot and she's one of the longest porn creators of all time like consistent but one of the things that's crazy about her is she never does cream pies except apparently now oh yeah but like yeah never in her porn it's like the top comment when she was like hey i'm pregnant was it must be a group project very funny you porn stars because we man you
You get the OGs. Like, Riley Reid is... I don't know if it's your era. I don't know. Because I'm like, you know Heather...
I deepthrow.com. Yeah, of course. The baddie didn't. I had no idea. He's that younger generation. Do you know Sasha Gray? Oh my God, sir. Okay. I'm just making sure Sasha, if you're watching unsubscribed podcast, she's a huge fucking contact me. Okay. I'll do anything. I don't even want to, I'll just, just let me smell. I'm just,
I'm just kidding about that part. I'm not. But pretend I said something handsome and cool instead of that. God, you're so hot. It's crazy how hot you are. I was watching her on Twitch yesterday. I think it was yesterday or the day before. Or she was doing some IRL stuff. She's like in Italy or she's in some European country right now just doing IRL streams. Damn it. She does Elden Rings and that. Yeah, I saw her play Resident Evil, the remake of Resident Evil 2 or whatever. A little harder to jerk off to, but. Yeah.
Listen, I'll get it. I'll get the job done. That's what you watched? Her playing Resident Evil 2? I mean, this sucks. This is good. This is how I remember it. I'll rewind to that part. All the free porn, I'm like, nah. Twitch. It's not soft, but he just likes when a woman gets scared. That's the thing for me. Right before you punch him in the liver?
That's like, like, of all the fucking, like, thirsty motherfuckers that go to Twitch to just hit on women and shit, I'm like, why don't you just watch porn like a normal, what, what is the... Everyone complains about titty streamers, but I think titty streamers have actually saved the rest of the community. Because horny weirdos who normally would be on a normal game of girls... They are making so much money. A normal girl who's, like, just trying to stream, the normal guys that come on there and they're like...
"Show me your feet, I'll fucking do anything!" Those guys exist, but most of them are watching Amaranth. It's true. So she's kind of like the shield in front of everyone else, absorbing the damage, dude. Now we just have the cross, but Amaranth in a bikini. With a tub underneath! Already a war need. Instead of all the knights with spears and she's just a bunch of dudes jerking off. And then you have the other girls behind him.
Two white knights holding spears like hitting her in the ribs with it. Oh man, that's real dark. That's gonna be some fantastic Photoshop going on online. Shout out to the subreddit by the way. You guys are just continuing to fucking murder. Some of you suck though.
You getting a little heat? No, not at all. I'm just like, some of you guys shouldn't be artists. Oh, oh, oh. He's bad at Photoshop. He's really bad at Photoshop. You know who you are. Some people really, I had some, some people send me fan art sometimes and the hottest girl, one of the hottest I've ever seen in my life was like, I drew you and I was like, holy shit. Not, this is amazing. Like, I'm so flattered. You're so beautiful. Like, this is great. It was like the worst drawing I've ever seen in my life. It was so bad that I was like, you, you're fucking awesome.
ugly like what the fuck dude yeah yeah like literally she was so and i was like this is a good drawing you're dumb it was too much it was so bad that i was like i i was like thank you no it was just like me i looked i looked like i i had been burned in the worst possible way and then the guys who tried to fix me up just guessed what a person looks like
And then they added an extra chromosome. Yeah, dude. It was dope. It was terrible. I looked- it looked wild. I had so much teeth. I had so much teeth! It was crazy! I love it's like a full Donnie's. Like an adult girl and woman's drawing you. And there's just like two thousand teeth. No, I'm not kidding, dude! It was so bad! She's like, "How many teeth do we have?" One, two, three, four, eighteen,
32. Just counting going there and done. Now the bottom. You're like, bitch, stop. It was a thing where she's like so hot that I just think people don't tell her she's bad at things. We were talking about this like when a girl comes over and she's like, I'm good at Smash Brothers. You're like, no you fucking aren't. And I'm about to fucking show you. You're about, do you,
I love the idea of a girl being like, "I'm really good with Kirby." And then you're just like wave-dashing past her and just fucking spiking her down and they- "Oh, normally I beat my brothers." "Well, I'm not your fucking brother, bitch." "I'm here to- I- No easy W's in this house!" Bro, I was playing- back when Among Us first launched, uh, I was playing with like a bunch of big streamers and shit. We're all playing Among Us and...
I met a bunch of new people that way and one night I was like, man, nobody was playing. I was like, fuck, I wanted to play tonight. And this other chick that I played with was looking for people to play with. I'm like, oh shit, yeah, we're doing another streamer game. Cool, I'll hop in with them. Turns out, uh...
she's a girl and does like all the OF stuff and Everybody playing with her was like it was like her simp night or what the fuck ever. Oh, okay? Yeah, nobody didn't tell me tell me this dude every night. I'll join I thought we're actually playing among us and as we're playing I'm getting like I'm hearing everybody talking like this is fucking weird, dude They're all being like weird and like they were helping her and everyone was cheating so she could win and I'm like no I'm not I was like no, I mean like
Vote him. They're all just like, what is happening? And then I stepped back from it for a minute and I looked at her stream and everything that was happening. I looked in the Discord group and I'm like,
oh I'm not supposed to be here yeah yeah yeah I didn't pay for this tier I gotta go that's so funny I played like two games and just left ugh it was so fucking cringy it's like an orgy breaking out at a barbecue but one guy's like does anyone want a burger he's like we're here to eat a burger and one guy's just like what the fuck full on dad shorts on just being like well done the Nike's on the fucking socks pulled up and he's like what is
I love your stroke my man. Well done or not. Like this. At the barbecue doing it. Spraying them with hose to get their attention. It's a long stroke. Hey! Hey! Who wants wings? Chicken's almost ready. Cheese? Want cheese on your burger? Hey! Cheese! Dude, you know when they like throw the burger to someone? You just throw the burger, fully naked guy fucking just gets hit with the burger. What the fuck?
Yeah, it gives a toss Tosses it back not cooked enough Oh, dude That was the fucking worst shit ever Yeah, there's every- ugh You don't hold back Women or children Simp knife You fucking destroy them in video games Absolutely In video games Women or children You fucking destroy them End of sentence Next topic
I'm the same way, dude. No mercy. I don't even hate that. I hate when like someone's just like, yeah, I can do that. You're like, no, no, you can't. And I'm going to show you, dude. Didn't Matt Best do that to like John when we're at his house? It was like a fight. I did it.
Y'all all did. Mortal Kombat. I don't let my son win at anything. We went over to Matt's house and Eli and Matt were playing Mortal Kombat 11. Yeah. And John's like, I'm going to be good at this. And you guys were just like...
You were range shotting him the whole time. Yeah, you guys are such assholes. I was chasing him. I was throwing a machete. I was like, you do not get close to me, John. You will never get close to me. You're 100% not fucking Tatooine. I was like, John, watch. I'm going to use uppercuts and beat the fuck out of you this entire round. John's like, you're not going to. You're not going to. I'm a fucking grown ass man. I will destroy you with anything I do right now. That's so funny.
Dude, I went to like a street fighter tournament like for comedians and it's basically just like a party. No one takes it seriously, but I like trained for it. I literally like showed up with my like Ryu fucking headband on. I'm just like, just doing like 15 hit combos into supers and stuff. People are like, what the fuck is wrong with you? I was like, I don't know, man. I'm just fucking trying to do it. I also got in trouble for going too hard at the community softball game.
It's slow pitch and I'm just fucking crushing out line drives. Like,
Whoa! Dude, listen, we're here. I like to have a good time. If I'm gonna do something, you gotta go the whole way. Well, Sav's kiddo, that's why I had him crying because we're playing. What's that? What's the fucking... I just want crying. What is it? Beast, uh... Game Beasts. Game Beasts. Like, I show up, Sav and him having a good time. He's like, play me. I was like, what's the fucking round count, bro? He's like, eight. I was like, okay.
Round eight. I am eight. No, he's like he's crying because he's like I don't even know if I'm gonna win yet. Just let me win. I was like falls off the edge. It's like
Kindly on kids. What? I'm just dying laughing. He's just bawling. He's crying. He's like, I just wanted to win one time. Like, never going to happen in this household. We're helping future generations. It's true. These kids will know. Yeah, you fucking destroy them. You got to set them up for League of Legends. They want to succeed growing in life. Oh, bro. We grew up in the age of the internet when bullying was like...
It wasn't just accepted. It was encouraged. It was the noise. If you didn't, it was bully or be bullied.
Oh yeah. If you had a mic, oh, you let the other players know how many times you fucked their mother. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, even just in forums, in the nerdiest places. I used to do like these role-playing forums where you would play like role-playing games, but you know, just like back... You just type it out. Just typing out. There's no dice or anything. You're literally just making up stories, but people still would go crazy in those places and just be like, you fucking bitch. Your vampire character can't kiss this other character. I found your address. I'm going to kill you. Like...
Crazy shit, and you're like we're bro. We're 14. What are you doing? Oh, I forgot about the old internet threat days
Do you guys remember that where they would like be like I called the police on you it's like over like online they're out there watching you now look out your window but now you die when it happens. Dude that's so funny me my brother fist fought someone over Call of Duty once.
I'm not good. So call it. You find the modern warfare two came out and we were playing in a lobby. And of course we got mad at each other. And my brother's like, where the fuck do you live? You know, we're just like a normal thing to, for, to say back then. And then they were like Salt Lake city or like whatever. And then I was like, we were in fucking Salt Lake city. And so we were just like fucking come out to the fucking mall or whatever. And they actually showed up. And,
And then we ended up fighting these guys. Props to them. Yeah, yeah. And it was like a normal, it wasn't even like a shitty fight. It was like a regular guy fight. Like we just started scrapping and then in like halfway through all of us were like, are you good? And like, yeah, I guess. This was three years ago. And then we just fucking left. Three years ago, right? Like as a grown man. As a grown man. The shit out of kids. The pandemic. You have masks on.
He's still beating the shit out of me. My brother holding a guy, I'm just punching him. It's even funnier because my brother's like a 6'4", 240-pound strong man. He can squat like 600 pounds, and he's just holding a child in the sky like Simba. I'm just fucking punching him in the ab. Fucking Tandy Express in the background. You guys are 35.
40, 30, 30, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40, 40,
If you've never wanted a fight in a clothing store, you ain't lived. Yeah. Just want to fucking throw somebody into a rack of some shit. I don't care what it is. I just want to see it fall. Dude, the way American Eagle smells makes me want to fist fight.
Just pisses you off. I get it. Yeah, why does it smell like that? Their music too, Jesus Christ. Oh, yeah. Just Lenny Kravitz. All right, this episode is brought to you guys by American Eagle. That's our next sponsor. American Eagle. They have really nice blue jeans today. What's happening? You want me to talk about this? Yeah, do your ginger thing. My ginger thing. That's our word.
So, uh, hi everybody. Go to outofregs.com and buy beard cream, beard oil, shampoo, soap. Pomade. Pomade.
What kind of holds of pomade you got there? We got thick, strong, medium. Strong, medium. And light. All right, guys. Yeah, for real. We have the Batty Operator Beard Cream, the Donut Operator Beard and Mustache Cream. Why isn't mine bearded mustache? I have a mustache, too. Your mustache fucking sucks, dude. You don't got the cream. You don't got the cream. You got a dry-ass mustache, dude. All right.
Alright, well we'll be fucking mustache you. This is so bad. Dry ass mustache Matty over here. Yeah dude. Sorry. Head over to fuckingoutofregs.com with a Z. Use code "Unsub". Unsub or cum 20. Or cum 20. That's a real code. You sure you don't want that one right there? What's... why you gotta... What if I open it and there's like a used condom inside or something crazy? You're like, we quality check these normally. Cum chucks. Alright. This one smells way better.
We go light on the creams because... Light on the cream. This one actually does smell the best. Wow, look at you. I'm sorry, man. Dude, here we go. Wait, oh, it's a little hard right there. Well, I was bad out here for a while. These are just for the podcast. We're going to do the live test, but if it's good enough for the hair, it's good enough for a mustache.
Look at that. I think it's reversed. I think if it's good enough for the mustache. It's good enough for the hair. Listen, I'm turned up on Diet Coke right now. You're on Diet Coke number one right now? This is pretty fun. We'll give you some of that stuff. Awesome. Whatever you need, bro. We got you. Yeah, for your mustache. Well, why don't you have pubic hair care? That's a good idea.
That's a market So many of my viewers are like well, I don't have a beard because you know, I'm in the military I'm like just rub it on your people bro. Totally safe. It's fine I don't know if it is but like I've told so many people to rub it on them So I like I think I'd know but if you're in the military your urethra probably burns and you don't know why Tell them to put anything you want in there We do a limited release pube cream
There's no shot they'll let us do that. You can do powder. You can do ball powder. They can't say no. That's a good one because if you've got a lot of listeners who are out there in the fucking field and shit, your balls are getting gross. Yeah, throw some ball powder on there. And listen, Gold Bond is discontinuing talcum powder. Wait, really? Because of cancer. Yeah, it gave a bunch of ladies cancer.
But not men? I don't know. Well, because ladies use it more than guys, maybe? I don't know. Probably men also, but men are just like, I'll just die not telling anyone. You know what's the good stuff? Oh, no, I was going to say, dude, we could talk to Outer Eggs, do a tea tree oil powder, because that's a natural antifungal. Oh, okay.
You don't get fucking jock itch. I used to use the minty gold bond. Yeah, yeah. That right there. I was like, ooh. Dude, I got to wear. I don't even wear regular underwear. I have to wear compression shorts. I'm just loaded with jock itch. So you guys got to make this product. Someone has to make it. My balls are in dire peril. You know? A ballage anti-finger.
Bungle with deodorant. I don't know about you. Well, teacher, your old smells awesome already. We get in a powder form. Then if someone gets down there, it's like a little treat. Yeah. Like, Oh my God. My tongue's numb. This is great. Yeah. Let's make it for the podcast. Unsub ball powder. Unsub ball powder. Oh, unsub ball powder. That's it.
A minty surprise. A minty surprise. Dude, it smells like tea tree, but it's a minty surprise and it's antifungal. Yeah, dude. And deodorant for your dick. I don't know about you. Does your dick stink? You got a stinky dick? You got a stink after a day of working out? You don't have bald cheese? I don't know what to do. You got bald cheese? Everyone has dick cheese. That's what happens. Unless I'm the weird one.
Your dick smells baddie. Everyone's just chilling. I know, everyone's dick smells with ball smell. Hey guys, in the comments below, will you let us know how fucking weird Eli is? He's got a fucking charcuterie board in his pants right now. One that doesn't wear deodorant most of the time, so I don't stink.
Maybe she started wearing deodorant. I don't know. Good to go. Asian genetic. Asian genetic. I mean, it's actually, you can smell them, but it's not bad. Asian genetic. I'll be real. You must. I feel safe. I feel kind of like a man was there, you know? Yeah, Sam's always like, it's so weird. You just never stink. I was like, damn, Skippy.
Don't smell there if I've been working out. You just got a stanky dick. After a day of working out, fucking work, son. It's all focused below. Now I want to smell your dicks. Come here. Come on, guys. Give me a scoop. Do a scoop. Bring it up here.
Dude, I smell great. Honestly. I fucking smell good, dude. I would blow myself if I could. Do a scoop. It's the last thing I'm gonna say. Do a quick deep. It's like pre-workout without water, you know? You just gotta fucking go. Dude, there's our commercial. Like, do you think you need unsub ball powder? Do a scoop. Oh, man, I need some unsub ball powder right now.
I just do this game, you bring it up here, and it hard cuts you up. I mean, we literally just say you unsubscribe from the stench. Incredible. Baddie. You have a huge brain on Baddie right now. Let's calm down. Big brain Baddie moves. That's right twice a day, man. That's all I'm going to say. Big brain Baddie moves. Oh, Baddie, we already announced the fucking...
Patreon? Yeah, I mean, I think we've talked about it. We've put it in comments. We've talked about it. The Patreon's a thing. It's live. You can find it in the description below. There's going to be things there eventually. Maybe. Well, the stuff that's going on, it's going up. It's spicier. It's way spicier. It's the stuff that gets going up.
Oh no. Not that level. Oh, okay. Cody's like flash before your eyes. I don't have to fly away. Cody's like, I have to go. I'm leaving now, Mark. Cody can't play anymore. Actually, unrelated to this podcast, I gotta leave and not come back. So, just like for other stuff I forgot about. On this episode in Patreon, Cody's dressed as a ghost. What? Dude.
He's a flying ghost. That's your superhero costume? That's your superhero costume? No, dude, no. The hood is pointed because it's aerodynamic. I fly faster because of the hood. Oh my god. We have like the family Halloween houses during Halloween and I'm floating around. Oh no. Oh no.
- It's a dunce cap. - If you wear the costume, do you still need to yell the racial slurs? - I mean, is that a loophole?
I think so. I think probably, yeah. Okay, all right, well. No, I don't think, I would, either way, Cody showing up in the residence, those bad air, income neighbors. Well, you don't go trick-or-treating there. You have a choice. You go to the big houses for trick-or-treating. We all know that. You get the full-size candy bars. Come on. You go trick-or-treating with Kendall, and he's like, is Uncle Cody going to be there? And you're like, yes, he's a friend. Yeah.
Just come on. We gotta go. Come on! Those leaves blowing as you fly down. What a beauty. Don't take it back out. Don't take it back. Put it in. Okay, so you are...
The level of nerd. Well, I don't even know what to start. Okay. Actually, I know Cody will get a better reaction from this. And we discussed it yesterday. Cody was like, why doesn't he drink? I was like, homeboy, listen to it. And I didn't tell him. I was like, you listen to a single song. And we're like, what?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Basically, I I grew up around like substance abuse and stuff like my family's like incredibly trash. I'm a person. Give it away. Yeah, thank you. Thank you. And so I was like, for me, being punk was like the opposite of that. Right. So I was like, so then I like discovered like, you know, Earth crisis. And I was like, oh, I'll just never drink for the rest of my life.
And because these guys are tough as fuck and they and they say they fight whoever drinks and I was like, oh, that's fucking awesome. So as a kid, I was like, oh, I'll just be straight edge. And it's just been once you start being sober, it's like, well, why stop? I'm saving all this money. Life is a nightmare anyway. What age did you go straight edge? 14. That's what I love the most is you. Yeah.
I'm tired of getting drunk. Yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, I did have to stop drinking and smoking as a child. I
I literally was addicted to cigarettes as a child. Me and my friends, we knocked over like a gas station in the middle of nowhere. And when we went, there was like a pallet full of cigarettes. So we stole all the cigarettes. So we had infinite cigarettes as 12 year olds. So I literally smoked like a pack a day for two years as a child, bro.
And then my parents see my parents smoked indoors. So they didn't fucking know. Like they didn't care. You know, I mean, if they knew they didn't care. Yeah. Just give them a pack and they're going to shut the fuck up. Exactly. So it's just like we just and we got away with it because no one suspects the 12 year olds driving a truck to rob a convenience store and to taking cigarette. Like who does that? They're like weird. They took all the cigarettes, the soda and the candy. So
Weirdest fucking crackheads I've ever heard of in my life We didn't try to take it the safe for the money nothing we just took like that random shit and then left The monster in the smoke
Okay. Some E4s robbed the store. Military guys, baby. Yeah, yeah. Just me and my shitty punk rock friends. And then, yeah, I became straight edge. And then over time, you know, I got exposed to more straight edge music. And then I got into hardcore. And then it's such a good time. I was like, yeah, I'll just stick with this. Whatever. Fuck it. But then you were still cringing.
criminal yeah yeah yeah so straight yeah well yeah i mean lots of straight edge guys end up getting recruited by like motorcycle clubs and all kinds of other shit like straight edge a specific term so you don't do drugs or anything yeah yeah yeah so straight edge is like it's a subculture of hardcore which is like you know a violent type of
music that's like really like angry and whatever and so you know it's kind of like soccer hooligan culture almost where like fighting and all that stuff it's like a main a major part
of the culture and then of course like you know motorcycle clubs love those guys and stuff but my stepfather was a professional criminal he went to prison for murder a couple he beat someone to death with his hands and whatever and i'm from a very small town so he like beat a guy to death and then the judge was like oh well that's scott i mean who cares do a year in jail and come out
So like, you know, it was whatever. So it was, I was just involved in that as a kid. Uh, and then, um, until I was like 25 and I was like, I should turn my life around. And I did. And I got a bunch of my tattoos covered and my throat is like a coverup and shit. And then I was like, uh, you know, I was bad, but now I'm good.
So the best part is, and I didn't tell you this yesterday, is one of our friends is like, oh, that's the fucking guy that was in a gang. I was like.
No, Shane wouldn't have done that. He's a super nerd into magic and sim racing. He would have never been in a gang. That's so funny. I mean, yesterday at Sauce when you're like, yeah, so how do you hit a red? Like, if you're stealing something most of the time, the other person's in on it, and this is how you do it. That's so funny. Oh, I was way off on Shane. I'm not good at reading people. Dude, so many people said, yeah, you got to work on that.
So many people give me shit. Like I've talked about doing crime in my, in my standup and the people will like get offended on like it. First they'll just be like, you're not tough. You, you, you're not a real criminal because I guess because I don't look like a guy on TV, which is so hilarious to be like any,
who has seen real crime, they're like lots of different types. It's diverse. It's a job. It's incredibly diverse. Like any number of types of people do it. It's so funny to be like, you don't look like the guy from TV. So you don't do crime. But a lot of people are like, oh, you're nerdy. There's no way. But when I was like doing the worst stuff, when me and my friends were literally like robbing drug dealers and collecting money from Johns and doing like
Wild-ass shit we were playing world of warcraft at night and fucking doing modern warfare 2 and like Playing dungeons and dragons and shit like it's her a crime. Yeah, yeah crime, please People who do crime aren't human beings is so funny. Well, I mean like what do you think no watch watch look at the that camera right there? Yeah, okay? because upstanding I hold that
What are you...
Now you look like a criminal! Like, see? There is a fucking line on that! Glasses make you not a criminal. That's so real. It's so funny! It's like criminals go home and like don't... They just lay in bed and think about crime and don't have any hobbies or anything. They're just real tough. They don't kiss their girls. They don't like have feelings. Can't wait to crime tomorrow. It's a shame getting home. How was your day, babe? Crime! Oh my god!
Just ready for some MTG right now. Decompressed from robbing people. So, so funny, dude. But yeah. Cody loves this because he's a former Leo. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm an Aquarius. I'm a Sagittarius. I'm not gay.
That's fair. Says the gay guy. Yeah, dude. Says the guy who was getting smelled by another guy earlier. I'm like, do you smell it? Just smell my armpit. Just give him a scoop, bro. I wear dresses on Instagram. Real homies scoop each other so they know. I'm going on a date. Can you grab a scoop and tell me if I'm good? I didn't get any under my fingernails. One more pass. We call it homisexual.
Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, that's right. Can we make a shirt of that?
Wood bunker print. No. Maybe. They did come. If we don't tell Matt. They did come in giant fucking doom letters. I think that was our one though. You know what I mean? We get that one pass like a year maybe. We used our pass. Maybe 2023 we can get another really homosexual. I already know the picture I want for it. No, just don't even put a picture on it. Nope. You would know the picture. Think of memes and think of homosexual. I want to see if either of you get this. And you're including this. It's a famous internet meme.
The guy's holding and their dicks are doing the same. Oh. Okay. You can't put that on a shirt though. You can't put that on a shirt. No, but it would work really good with it. No, but it doesn't matter. That would work. But we can't do that ever. We blur like the lower portion of it.
You're an idiot. No, it's a good shirt. I did. We just won't print it. I know one of his two guys just hold, but they're wearing pants, but they're just holding each other's dicks. Yeah. With over the pants, scoop Mormon style and high fiving. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
I want to be mad, but literally one of the alerts on my stream is two dudes grabbing each other's cocks and saying I'm never going to let go. So, like, I get it. There you go. Yeah, yeah. Dude, Matt Carriker is going to love this design. He loves all art designs. Huge fan. Do you think at this point, because we submit stuff to Bunker, do you think they're just like, just send it to Matt? Just don't even look at it. Just send it to Matt. I have a strategy for you guys.
Okay. In comedy, when you write something and you're going to put it in a movie or TV show, you, what you do is you write the real joke and then you write a way, way, way worse joke. And then you give them both and you go, can I please do the worst one? And they will always say no.
And then you get to do the joke you actually wanted to do that they would have said no to anyway. It's a comedy negotiating thing. So what you do is you send two shirts, one that is two guys just hard fucking, right? And then the other one, two dicks holding hands and he goes, well, when I look at both of these at the same time, that one seems way better. And then he just gives you the shirt you want. I mean,
That's how South Park gets away with it. Exactly, yeah, yeah. So Matt, Demo Matt, we have I come to Demolisha with come really big or come militia.
Get the other one. It's like I'm not choosing the first one. I mean we literally just do two homosexual shirts. One's homosexual with the two dicks touching. We just send him with a homosexual shirt. And he's gonna pick that one without the dicks touching. Easy. Or he fucking fucks us. He's like, yeah, we'll go with that one. You're not part of our brand. So he chooses the hard one. He just pushes it all over the wall. Oh no.
Oh, no. Wear the shirt. Shane lied to us. Shane's not. Wear it. No, wear it. Put it on before you leave. Oh, you're going to pick up your kid at school? Put it on. I'll go with you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Send me a selfie of you in it. We were talking to Demo Matt about all of our shirts and shit. He was at a race thing. Was it Cleats and Cars or something? And people kept coming up.
And they were wearing our giant, it just says come subscribe and like Doomfond. It's just fucking sick, dude. And everyone kept getting, he was like, nobody's going to buy this shirt. It's our best selling shirt. Oh yeah. Cody was like, are people going to buy a cum shirt? He just says, come on. And it turned into our number one selling shirt. And Doomfond was like,
I was just like are people gonna buy shirts is come on your entire chair when you when you show the shirt to people Did you play BFG 9000? Fucking batty war Italian restaurant I'm like
Fuck it. Yeah, Cody was like, buddy's wearing the cum shirt. I was like, what? Just coming out of the bathroom with the inside out still on. My bad, everybody. That one's on me. I fucked up. We're at a nice Italian restaurant. I'm just like, ha ha ha. Ha ha. And he sits down next to us. Ha ha. Ha. God, we're fucking idiots.
We're literal children. Oh, dude. Once I met a girl's parents on accident and I used to have this. Now, this is not something I believe in, but it is. I like we need to slap a warning label before the story. But it's a straight edge meme. OK, and they every band, a lot of bands make a shirt that says this. Anyway, it's an AK-47 and on the shirt it says kill your local drug dealer.
This is a very common shirt. That's a wonderful slogan. Sure, I mean, listen, it's fine. I guess it depends on what you define a drug as. This is the crowd that that's okay with. Oh, okay. Well, as long as you don't think like acid and weed are drugs, then I don't think I want to kill those people. But anyway, we don't have to get into it. Or ecstasy or coke or whatever. Yeah, yeah, listen. Black tar heroin. But I actually wore that, and then I met a girl's parents, and I'm from Utah, so she was Mormon, and they were just like,
what what now you gotta go you gotta yeah like i don't know i don't know it's a hard sell on the face tattoos in the first place and then you got a shirt that's advocate advocating for you know some wild shit and she was just like well you really botched that one and i was like so we don't date anymore she's like yeah obviously not you're out of your mind i was like all right cheers fair my daughter bringing you home i'd be like
Okay, wait, okay the store, okay I usually win them over because I'm into something they're into it's cars guns or games I've got it somewhere right so Usually especially boomer guys who are gonna be mad at me They're into cars or guns and so I'll relate to them and then and then we got them but
Sometimes they are not into any of them and it's a lost cause. It is a horrible lost cause and it does not work and they hate me a lot. Moms, not a fan. I'll tell you right now, moms, not big into guns. I've got a lot of gun moms. I've got a lot of boomer gun moms hanging out with me. I'll tell you that. Here's the first thing they think is, that guy fucks my daughter. I'm going to kill him.
I also think that there's a part of a parent that if you know that I'm dating your daughter, you're like, oh, she's into some like weird stuff. Like it's a clue, you know? They're ruining their own like view of their child. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're like, there's no way that guy doesn't choke someone during sex. And that's not my thing. I'm not into it, but I'm saying if you're into me, you are probably asking for that. You know what I'm like?
There's a Venn diagram of people who like Shane and people who like to get choked and it is a circle. It is a circle!
Yeah, dude. I don't want it to be that way. Shane is my people. I understand this. I love this man so much. I understand this. I really, really do. I know episode six and I were talking about stuff on the drive here and I was just like, oh, how deep do we go today on some of this? About three inches. Fucking balls deep. Oh, dude. Yeah, balls deep. That's what I said. Oh. I'm going to trade that for that one.
Okay. So nerd shit. We'll actually touch on some nerd shit. I mean, why not? You're like a fucking scholar for Tolkien. Yeah. Yeah. So, um, I,
I, I guess I'm allowed to say that I've like, yeah, I've, I've, uh, communicated with the Amazon prime, uh, people about Lord of the Rings. I'm a huge Tolkien guy. I've, you know, I've read everything in the appendices and, and, uh, history of middle earth, uh, Tolkien's letters. I'm huge in the Lord of the Rings. I have Narsil on my face, obviously. Um,
You know, I'm big into Warhammer. I have a giant Warhammer collection. I've got almost every single game's workshop Lord of the Rings miniature, or now it's called Middle Earth Strategy Battle Game miniature painted. This is the same one that like back in like 2005 and 6 where you would make your armies. Yes. I played them.
Fuck out of that shit. Building and painting the Uruk-hai with the spears. Oh, and they break so easy. Dude, those spears were such a bitch. Me and my buddy built helms deep out of foam and shit so we could play that. So I have all that. I don't really play full Warhammer anymore, but I have all the Warcry and Kill Team stuff. I have a crazy amount of Mordheim Classic. I have everything from 1995 Warhammer Quest.
So I'm really into games, but beyond that, I'm so deep into board games that I play like advanced squad leader, uh,
which is like a simulation of World War II that takes, you know, tens of or more hours to read the rules so that you can even play. Could you imagine playing this with your grandfather who's 100 and that was in World War II? Oh my God, dude. He plays a lot of Solitaire. That's a war crime. You can't do that. I would be saying that to him. I think he's fine with anything.
I'll be real. He's cool with all of it. Get your golden dick over here, Gramps. We're going to play some of this. World War II today. I was there on the beach in Normandy. How was the water? What? I was on one of the cliffs. Grandpa?
What side did you find him on? He really likes Wolfenstein. Yeah, he's really into the Wolfenstein lore. He has the OG copy. Interesting. He's got a final solution. It's crazy. Cheetos, bro.
Bro, this episode's getting demonetized so fast. Dude, we're just gonna- No shot this one gets in. Just bleep a lot of stuff. Shay's like, "My superpowers- Yeah, the whole fucking episode, killing myself." Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep bop bop b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-
Like, what the fuck, bro? Dude, what do we do with this? Oh, my God. You don't need to buy one-way tickets anywhere. You never need a flight home. Dude, I would scare my friends. I would put on, like, a really scary, silly costume, and I would sit in their bathtub and f*** myself. So they'd open the bathtub to go take a shower. I'm like, oh! F*** it.
Fucking Shane's corpse is in the bathroom dressed like Freddy! God dammit, Shane! Fuck! They're like, "He's such a dick, I gotta clean a corpse up for the third time this month." And you're screaming like, "Shane! Oh, Shane! Shane, put the brace back in!" "Got you! You motherfucker!" You wait until they're walking in their house and you call them and you're like, just listening to them. You're like, "Yeah, there's something in your bathtub!" Aw, dude.
Dude, the level of nerd, like fucking astounding. Cause I was telling the guys, I was like, bro, he plays MTG does all that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I have a bunch of, I have a sim racing set up only for F1. I don't have a, cause I have to use like a placey challenge. Cause I don't have a lot of room in my New York apartment. So I was going to buy a full closet. You rent. Yeah. Yeah. I was going to do a full like caged, uh,
with like a shifter and a handbrake and everything, but I just like can't fit it. And I have too many hobbies to take space because my board game collection is crazy. Then I've got the sim racing. Then I've got my regular gaming stuff. And then I've got surfboards. It's just like too much to put in an apartment, you know? So we got the play seat and I've got my, my F1 shit and that's really fun. And then, I mean, I do,
you know, a crazy amount, anything nerdy you can imagine. I'm, I'm probably up, up to, I get it, man. I feel it. Don't, don't, don't worry. I get it. Yeah. I've even worked on a few things. I worked on Medara, which is like the boutique board game that did like 2 million on Kickstarter. Oh, I know. Okay. I was a play tester for that. And it's like, it's like anime, uh,
- Um, Kingdom Death. - Oh, okay, I know Kingdom Death. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, so it's really great. Go check out my D.A.R. It's fucking awesome. And then like I worked on Forbidden Psalm, which is like a black metal miniatures game that's based off of Murk Borg.
which is like another black metal role-playing game, literally black metal. Like when you kickstarted them, that you could get a record that had like all these black metal tracks to listen to while you play. And then inside the record, it's like an adventure and shit. But the art is like the most metal disturbing fucked up. Like it's so sick. So check out that too. Swedish role-playing games. Very sick. Yeah.
So you're on a next level of nerd. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm, I'm up to it. I like this. I'm up to it. This is like what surprised me the most. I was like, man, he's like,
Fucking nerd like I'm calling him a nerd and I'm I'm fucking anime. Yeah. Yeah, no back pieces I'm like, oh homeboy like sim races and I get it. I get it man. You gotta do it all man It's very fun. Like literally my entire coffee table right now is nothing but magic. I saw sorting cards right now is what I'm doing I'm sorting so the collections easier to build decks so crazy. I can't collect I
- You shouldn't. - It's too much, especially with magic. I will collect the Warhammer set. I'm gonna build a full, when the Warhammer set comes out, I'll buy everything I will create. I will have a full collection and make a cube out of it. And then same thing with the Lord of the Rings set. - I have the entire Baldur's Gate set at this point.
Four of every? Oh, I might be missing. I know the mythics I'm done. The rest of it, I absolutely do. I know that. Okay, cool. I'm working on the mythics right now. That's why I have four boxes of Baldur's Gates in my kitchen right now. Or in my living room. Originally, I wanted to do, and I literally just forgot the name of the set, and they redid it. Werewolves, Vampires, Best Set. Innistrad. Innistrad and Midnight Hunt. It was the dual set. I wanted to do the original Innistrad. That's everyone's favorite to cube set.
So I was like, oh, fuck, I gotta do it. Am I you? Is this what you feel like? Is this what you feel like? Where they go on a tangent sometimes about anime, and I love anime. It's too much. I don't watch that much anime, dude. I'm like, I love Cowboy Bebop and some of the newer stuff, but then they're like, this, this, this, and this. I'm sitting here the whole time like the...
You know Tim Kennedy UFC fighter yeah Huge fucking nerd fantasy literature. He loved it. That's fucking sick. We were just going attending Cody just like black PTSD Cody look his eyes he's like
And then they photoshopped him like... That's so funny. Cody's so in a dark place and you're like, what the fuck? We're here, buddy. We're here. You're not big on books? No, no, I am. I just don't get that deep into nerd lore. I like science fiction stuff. Oh, shit. Are you a big fan of Starship Troopers? No, no. Dune, though. Dune's awesome. Yeah, Dune is sick. Do the MMO.
Oh, they just announced the other dude MMO. Yeah, dude. That looks sick. Can't wait for it to be ruined. Stop. Don't be negative. I'm going to be negative. It's going to suck.
No, be positive. Well, my favorite MMO of all time was Anarchy Online. And I put thousands of hours into that game. And Funcom, who makes that, they just came out. And they're like, hey, we're doing a Dune MMO where thousands of players can be on one planet. And there's like, you can go mine spice. And you can go in the sea chis underground. Did they do, did Funcom do, fuck, what was it called? Conan. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. And they also did the one that was the King Arthur thing.
Camelot? Camelot. With the three potions that all fought each other. Camelot. That one was cool. That one was really cool. I remember that one was cool. And for a long time, you could max out your sneak stat because it was like a PvP. And then you could just like murder anybody. And they didn't patch it forever. And me and my friends would just troll people on there. That was a great one. So that's very cool. Do you guys know about Dune?
I mean, I know. Oh, you're big on Dune? I'm not big on it, but I know Dune. I've read some Dune. I've read the books. Oh, okay. I was like, if you want to give them the thousand, we could get into the Butlerian Jihad. Dude, he's like, what do you want? I was like, he's like, do you want a bump of Dune? Just to quit. You want some spice, bro? Where'd you get that? That's so funny.
Don't ask. I was a career criminal. My stepdad bought it for me. Dune is so fucking sick. Dune is so prolific. I think Dune's prolific to science fiction the way Lord of the Rings is prolific to fantasy. 100%. I wrote it in the 70s. When you read anything science fiction, even like so much of Warhammer, I mean, Warhammer has a Butlerian jihad in the universe. That's why there's no AI. That's why humans are integrated into the machines.
So like when you, all the servo skulls and stuff, those are real people who are like tormented for eternity as machines. Cause they can't make AI cause AI tried to destroy everything. Yeah. Yeah. So they like took a bunch of these ideas from dune to create like the way they travel through the warp and all that stuff is just like inspired by dune. So if you like war hammer and you've never read dune, fuck you.
you. No, I'm just kidding. You should go read Dune, though. It's fucking sick. Fuck you. Just tell him, fuck you. Yeah, yeah, fuck you. Dune's also sick because it's one of those like, who's the good guy? Who's the bad guy? Like, you can read it and enjoy it, but also afterwards, you can really like consider it in the like the implications of like
fate and all that shit afterwards. Very good. Yeah. So good. It might be one of the smartest guests we've had. No, that would be so embarrassing for the rest of your guests are like, but you're like super nerdy. Thank you. Super nerd. That's cool that you can touch on all of our. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, I'll touch on every single one of you.
Put in the part where we're just fucking each other right now. Yeah. Yeah, dude. How do you get four guys all doing 69 on top? I've told you. Oh, no, it's like, it's like you built a log cabin. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
We came up with Lincoln Hogs. I wasn't there, but I know exactly what you're talking about. Clear the fucking table off. We got a Lincoln Hog on camera. All of us are just like, go! One, two, three. One, two,
Can't smoke a rock drill sergeant. Can't smoke this cock though. That's so funny. That's right. That's a good 69 episode. Four of us 69ing, one of us can't get hard. It's like, what are you, a pussy? You some kind of baby? Get a hard. Imagine being the one dude in like an orgy who just can't get hard. All the other guys are like,
Have you ever watched like a gangbang in a porn? And then there's always one guy in the back just like shaking his lips. Come on, man. We're getting paid right. We're on the clock. Let's go. Like just trying to get it working. I've told the story about that one porn where it's the fucking hilarious. It's like, like the girl in the middle, one guy's laying on the couch like this. And then the dude's rolling her from behind.
And the guy pulls out to go that's behind, and the girl moves and just blasts the guy in the face. And the guy's like, It is a look of horror. He's like, Because he's just getting hit, and he's like,
I don't like this! I don't like this! Blue on blue! Blue on blue! Lightning thunder, lightning thunder! Oh fuck dude.
This is rough. Yup. That's yeah. That's the, that's it. That's the spot. That's where we're going to subscribe podcast. As always, we have Eli double tap donut operator.
of our very very special guests i am where can where can everybody find you where they gonna see all your shit oh okay so i'm shade ozer everywhere online and that is a reference to the killdozer for those of you who are wondering s-h-a-y-d-o-z-e-r i can't use my real name because unfortunately two separate billionaires have the name shane smith and so if you're wondering what that name it ain't fucking me i'll tell you that right now i didn't
I am a hundred-air, or however you want to say it, a hundred-air. I have tens of dollars. It fucking sucks. So Shay Dozer on everything, Twitter, Instagram. You can find my comedy at shaynsmithcomedy.com. And yeah, that's it. When's your Netflix special come out?
They would never give me a special dude. They would never. But if someone from Netflix is watching this, I love you and I need you. Help me. I want to be on Netflix. And so, yeah, there's all that. Oh, I have a podcast called Cowboy Boys.
And it's basically just more cum. A lot of cum. Just that over and over. And then, yeah, that's awesome. That's it. Fuck yeah, bro. Yeah! Let's go for a round of applause. Yeah, I feel like we had a great time. Jerk off! We did it!
Woo! Batty reading the phone right now. No, I was grabbing Cowboy Boys. I wanted to follow. Oh, thank you. Yeah, let's get, let's turn these cameras off and get Lincoln Hogging. What are you guys doing? Yeah, let's get Lincoln Hog right now. Let's go.
Oh, no. Funny I came to the same conclusion. I wasn't even hanging out with you guys. Literally, it's the exact same thing. Dude, great minds think alike, man. We're talking about how we're like, well, let's just fuck for episodes. I'm like, it's like Lincoln Logs. We just gotta stack properly. And then you were like, Lincoln Hogs? This is great. We can just get this out.
