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Okay, we should be a-okay. We'll DV out these. Okay. Daddy put a curtain on the 18 year. Yeah, he did. He's doing good. He's doing good. Okay, ready? Say hi to Eli. He's racially ambiguous. Brandon. That guy's fucking ridiculous. Donut.
It's harder to rhyme, but he's a really nice guy. Welcome to unsubscribe. Hey guys, thanks for watching unsubscribe podcast. Make sure wherever you're listening or watching, whether it's on YouTube, Castro, Spotify, Apple, Google, Amazon, Podbean, Stitcher, or...
That's all of them. Please leave a comment, like it, thumbs up it, give it a rating of five stars, whatever you do. It helps the podcast out immensely. And Donut and Eli will be very happy if you do that. And we want to make Donut and Eli happy today. Yeah. Five stars on everything and a comment if there is possible because we need to be at the top. Donut, say something motivating. Come on.
And that's where the, you come, that is come subscribe. Hi everyone. Welcome to the unsubscribe podcast. I'm joined today by back Brandon, Caleb Francis and Eli double fat. Can I just say, it's good to have the main host back. The, the core three is back. We're super excited. Um,
And then we'll just move on from there. And then we have our special guest, Caleb. Baby puncher himself is in the house. A lot of bad jokes there. So many good jokes. It's the good jokes. Brandon. Yes. Oh, it's just good to look across the table and see the future of unsubscribed. See somebody that you like, you know? This has got to just...
Two Mexicans, two whites. This is how it should be. Equality across the board. Separate but equal, if you will. Yeah. Can we get a one in chat? It should stay this way. Just comment below. Comment one if you agree with segregation. This is the first minute. Actually, just maybe that. There's a lot of ones in the comment section. It's your engagement. You're welcome.
No, I warned baddie that this was going to happen and here we are it's it's finally here Oh the best text exchange is like hey, can we use your house where you're gone so we can film an episode? It better not be branded My reply Would never do that without Maddie, so why did baddie go to Ukraine I?
Don't know that's what we were trying to figure out. Yeah, is there something going on there? I don't you just up and said he's like I'm going to Ukraine guys Yeah, it was like something's happening. I don't watch the news. Yeah. Yeah, he was said something He's like I didn't go to serve my country here. So something about a country Yeah, like any and bicycle store he's been talking about those a lot Collector like you guys mock me all the time for not deploying so yeah
I just like the idea of Batty's a terrible businessman. He's like, today would be the greatest time to start bicycle shopping. You go there to do this. I think it's the bicycle parts that he's bringing back via UPS.
Which I do not endorse in any way, shape, or form. What's your price? Absolutely don't scavenge Zinico parts off the ground and send them to us. That would be awful. There's a lot of really nice unmolested 74s that, you know, when all this shit blows over, that were handed out to the civilians, if you guys feel like
cutting those up and hooking up your boy. Unsubscribe P.O. Box 346 in Bernie, Texas. We just send them. It's like, oh my God, this is great. It's like Christmas every day of the week. Look at all these goo-covered hearts. Goo-covered? Oh, those are the best. Yugoslavian cosmoline tastes the best.
They're already trading weapons in like their military gear for booze and food because they're just bored and tired of shitty rations Oh, that was a quick turnaround. Yeah, like both sides are like I have a cheeseburger, but what I would really like to have is body armor
I have three cheeseburgers for your body armor. It's just like Tarkov. It's just very Christmas-y. It's like I have one bag of IV fluid, a cigarette, two dog tags. The one slice of cheese.
I have 80,000 rubles and a heavy bleed. Please, can I get the turn again quickly? I charge now, good deal. Best deal ever. Not drop ship like you have here, right? Yes. I don't want two-day Amazon Prime shipping. I need now. I will not need it anymore if it comes tomorrow. I'm already getting sleepy. Yeah.
And we're cancelled in the first five minutes again. Yeah, weird. Every time I come here, you guys always say that. I know. Here we are, 43...
Look at me. I don't know. I don't know. I know. We're like 42 or 43, right? I know. I think 43. Cause I think we fucked, I fucked Fluck up because I just put it in the old inbox. It was like 41. So we made everything for 41. And Betty's like, we already have a 41. I was like, that's, that's on your boy, Eli, right? I was just dumping shit where it was blocked and we're good to go. Oh man. So minus the crazy world shit going down right now. Um,
I mean that's primarily what we discussed in the morning that and some some awesome superpowers which we can Go for now or we can talk about video games You want to do the Eldon Eldon stuff first since that's like hot on the that's hot on the ticker. Yeah, okay, Caleb Why do you think I'm fucking irate? Eldon just why
The most anticipated game of the year. Something about jumping, maybe? Probably because it's the same thing that it always has been. No, it's fucking what I want to play. It's because, have you seen how many people can't play the game because controls won't fucking register for it? Oh, really?
Somebody came into my stream last night and was saying that you were having an issue with it. Yeah, people were like, Caleb got it fixed. Ask him. I was like, 100%. Caleb doesn't understand why the fuck his works versus why mine doesn't. Well, I use controller on a lot of games. So mine is like, mine worked perfectly first thing. As soon as I started, it was ready to go. You are 50%. And then the other 50 just have no. So Pistilli, it bricked his PC. Yeah, dude. He got blue screen and killed his computer.
And he probably doesn't stream on a cheap computer. Oh, no.
One of the top streamers in the world. Yeah, people, and this is across the board, and the best part is the fixes. Like, I, how an hour and a half trying to fucking unfuck that? I watched almost all of it. Eli was streaming while he was trying to get it fixed. He was getting so mad. I was mad. Then he got mad at your camera and tweeted the camera people. I was like, God, Eli's fucking angry tonight. I don't work out. It crashed for me that first night, like, after I was done streaming. Yeah.
And I think it was just because I was sitting still for so long. And then I came back and I got ready to move and it crashed. But then it fired right back up and everything's been working okay since. Well, that's why it has mixed reviews. Like, it's a fucking... It has the best reviews right now. Other than on Steam, it's mixed. Yeah, messing people's computers up and people can't hardly play. Yeah, I was like, oh, this should be an easy fix. It's something. And then it's like, go do this. I, thankfully, have this to show...
One of them still stuck on angry Eli. That's the funniest thing I can imagine just thinking of him just like Grab me Sam and going to the side of the Empire State Breaking everything that's like a couple hours after you got all stream from the the controller debacle I saw you on Twitter like what the fuck is wrong with this fucking
with this fucking camera and you're attacking the company and I'm like oh god this is awesome sorry it's been that much money and then the camera people are like side note if you want to use a camera you have to download this and update it and do everything yourself real quick I'm like I can't hit record I can't hit the fucking record button on the camera I
This is how this works now. Yeah, that's like Niko playing Battlefield. He has to go in and code shit into the game just to make it playable. What? Yeah, that's how he justified. He was like, it's a playable game, but
"Buh!" "Go to the registry and put this code in this code." So you have to do what the developers couldn't do and fix their goddamn game. Exactly. So when I buy a game, it's like a model car. You buy it, and then you have to code it all together to get it to work. I didn't buy an 80% game. Yeah, it's an 80% game. I didn't want to build it myself. I just want to play a goddamn game. No, just mill it out. You'll be fine. You're like, "Oh, no." One of the downloads is like a two-year course at like a community college on how to code. You have to finish it. What?
Okay
Fluck, I'm going to have you put this up. Here's how to fix the controller not working in Elden Rings. Step one. This is 19 steps, by the way. Because this is a game you want to play with a controller. So bad. Oh, my God. Did I show you guys how...
Sensitive I didn't show you I'll fucking show fluxes to the country the mouse in the mouth Yeah, there's been times like I've just like you're flying on a mouse and keyboard no no I play oh trailer, but there's been times that I've just like moved it. I'm like oh my god your guys My stream was like just turn the sensitivity down I'm at I play on low sensitivity because first-person shooter so my DPI is like super low and I'm cranked it all the
it all the way down in the game, like all the way down. And my stream was like, oh, just turn your sensitivity down. I was like, guys, this is the lowest it goes in game. And they're like, how bad is it? So I just did a video where I'm like that. And the camera's like, what?
It's just fucking whip. If you just do this, the game's just fucking broke. Yes. And something's up. 19 steps in order to fix it. And step 18, I wasn't sure because it has like click on view mode, go to big picture mode, controller settings, enable Xbox configure support,
Also enable generic game pan configs. Now go to normal stream client. Click on library. Right click Elden Ring. Go to property. Click on controller tab. Find override for Elden Rings. Click on enable Steam input dropdown. Your controller should show up here. Make sure it is enabled. Disable NVIDIA and Steam overlays. 18, I don't know what this means. Unplug key. You know, somebody's having trouble with that right now, and they're like, Eli, stop talking so fast. Yeah, he's just like that.
- Go back to the other one! And then restart, but yeah, number 18 just says unplug key.
Hi everyone, welcome to the troubleshooting podcast. Bro, I was so mad last night. And other people, and this is literally on Kotaku where they're like, hey, this worked for one of our developers. Try this method. Unplug keyboard and mouse before you launch the game. Jesus, dude. I'm returning it. I'm not even going to try it now.
That's why you like people like Caleb knows how to fix that I was like no Caleb's just worked a guarantee on stuff has always just worked like that Yeah, so cuz I use controller so much. He's one of those 50% Where I'm just fan of snapping my computer I'm like you fucking work
Yeah, but the game's good? Yeah, it's pretty fun. I did see Symphony was playing, and it was like all kinds of goofy shit was happening for him. He was trying to open doors, and he would melt through the floor. I hate it when that happens. He was flying sideways and stuff. Not again. He was just looking around. He was like, look at the camera. He's like, what the fuck?
But yeah, it's been very, it's the same. It's just a more open world, lots of new moves, lots of cool stuff you can do version of like the Souls games. It looks fucking beautiful. It's been really cool. Yeah, there's been a lot of times that I've been climbing a mountain or something and I'm like, oh shit, wow.
I just love the cat. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow let wow let wow let
And like, just, it's just the stupid stuff that happens all the time where you'll be fighting like a bunch of guys. And then all of a sudden, like a random dog comes up behind you, like bites your ankle and you just fucking, it fucks everything. You're like, I'm going to drink this healing potion. You're like, he puts it on the ATF. This dog's going down. Walks so fucking slow when he's drinking his potion. He's like, just like enjoying it and like walking slow. Like I would just be like, real life. You're just like, oh,
He's like, what?
"What are you doing with this upon my welcome?" Rubbing his belly, "Ooooh!" "That's delicious!" And they're like biting at you the whole time while you're trying to get away. But uh, man, so many times. That would be the scariest thing ever, is I'm attacking someone with a sword and they're like, "Hold on." "Take a shot." They put their sword away. I'm like, "Ooooh, I don't know if I wanna fuck with this guy."
puts his sword and shield down. He's like, let me drink this juice real quick. Mmm. Mmm. It's a fucking advert the entire time. Ugh. I don't even want to fight anymore. You're pricking me out just then. You got a fucking red mustache, dude. That's from your juice you just drank. You're like, come on. Who the fuck you got? Come here. Get up. Get up.
Monster hunter they cook it. Oh god. Yeah monster hunter they cook mid-battle Man you're finding a dragon and you're cooking mid combat to get help It's kind of fucking intense like fallout where like all of a sudden like this dude just pulls out an inhaler to try
It's like, oh, wait, I don't want to fight this dude anymore. Why is he so skinny? Your eyes are bleeding. Skyrim, you eat 47 potatoes. The cabbages, did you see those TikToks? They sit there eating a cabbage. He's like, hmm, that's pretty good. 2 HP. 4 HP. Eating cheese and potatoes and stuff. And the other guys are sitting there waiting. Just eating wheels. And they're like wheels of cheese, too. Oh, man.
It takes forever. Where is it going? Where is this going right now? Oh, God. Just super sick. Fucking barf.
You just ate 18 pounds of cheese? Yeah, I just made cheesy potatoes. You telling me you didn't do that? All the time. This is my biggest thing before a mission. We'd be like, let's have a Christmas dinner real quick. Time to carb load. Alright, let's go. Like a little bit of puke running down your face. Every swing. The freaking Morty puke turtle? Yeah.
Yeah, I just forgot about like Darcyl's and that the drinking slower or any of those little things. It's on my nerves sometimes like I'll be in a battle and get my ass beat and I'm like, hurry the fuck up, drink it, drink it. And then I always get hit, man. Every time it cancels it. Oh, they're rolling and then edges. Edges is so bad. Like just like
Taking a shot and then some dude whacking your hand with a sword like fuck you, dude And then you go through the exact same dumbass animation though you like fuck man what the fuck? I need to play I'm so excited for it. I'm so pissed
Did something I think I missed like a big part I went to like go get a drink and I started talking to somebody outside and then I like I was sitting down at a fireplace and I went and did all this and then I came back and then this girl was sitting there talking to me and she had already did like a lot of dialogue and I was like, oh shit Does that sound good? I guess Caleb's on his phone mid-date me like what's up? He's like
Is that good? Yeah. So it's just like real life. Yeah, but then it was like, all right. She's like, okay, cool. Here's your powers and your horse. And I was like, okay, I guess. Cool. Thanks. I don't know where you came from or what else you said, but that's how I sold my soul to a crossroads deal. Yes, that does sound good. She's like, oh, shit, wow.
Caleb's unexpected adventure. He's just like failing into these positions. It's like, well, I got a horse now. Who is that? A magic horse? I'm like Forrest Gump with a sword. Yeah. It's pretty fucking cool. Man, this is dope. Oh,
I love my life. I was reading today, people were saying like, don't go straight for the first boss or something. Do the side stuff and explore a little bit and get your level up and come back and try to do the bosses in the dungeons and stuff. That's all I've been doing. And you find so many random bosses everywhere. Like, you know, there was so many hidden ones in the other games, but it's fucking everywhere. Like every random door or cave you find, there's a boss in there.
And there's the giant people and monsters that are walking around all the time. Wow, this country really went to shit. Yeah, it's a bad neighborhood. So I've literally just quit even trying like any of them. I've just been trying to beat the shit out of little stuff. That way I can level up some. Because as soon as you walk out the main door, there's been so many videos of it. There's like a giant golden knight on a horse walking.
Like, as soon as you walk out the front door, he's like galloping around. And I was like, oh shit. I was like, who's this guy on the front door? And he's like, oh shit. And then right to the right, if you jump off the hill, there's a fucking giant white dragon that flies down. It's like all within like 20 yards of the main door when you walk out. You're like, no,
There's a fucking dragon and golden knight or and that's just super cool. She gave me this horse. Yeah But yeah
Everything's fucking you, Dark Souls. Two seconds after walking out the door, it's just Caleb on the ground with six dudes kicking him. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't know what this town is called. Was I wearing, like, crib covers or what? Yeah, once you just accept that you're going to be angry, you can, like, enjoy it.
Sounds a lot like Tarkov, actually. Yeah, literally. You just got to come to the realization, you're like, yeah, I'm going to die like a thousand times, but that's what this is about. That's these games. Do you like cock and ball torture? Well, you love Dark Souls. You're going to love this game. You go into Elden Ring, it's like Sekiro was the exact same way. Sekiro, I think, was the hardest one, man. I was only halfway through it, and everything took so long, it felt like, to get good enough to beat.
Because the bosses also had two forms, which is the biggest bullshit. You're like, you kill it. And then it's like, okay, resurrect. Now I have full health again with new moves. And you're like, I've already used all my juice. Oh, no. She takes a sad shot. I'm already out of juice. Yeah, and you're like. You'd lick in the bottle. That game was fucking brutal. This is the fucking Tarkov of the...
Fantasy games? Yeah, like, I guess, RPG type. It is. It's the Tarkov of those because it's the brutality. Like, Tarkov's like, get shot in the head, you die instantly. There's not like, I got like three, I'll recover some shields. It's a good thing it only takes you fucking 10 minutes to load into raid. Yeah.
And then nearly as bad as it used to be those bad Do you remember playing back in the day when it was like 30 minutes just getting one raid and then you get clapped in seriously? Yeah, yeah, there were like 30 minute wait times like like 20 to 30 minutes when I first started it was like 15 Something like that special patches. Oh, yeah, you're right It would be like fucking on day of patch. It would be like 10 to 30 minutes to for like you just
You just wait. Yeah, that- Dude, now they changed it with the queues. Yeah, that's what it was, uh, 'cause I had never played it before and I tried like, uh, like a month ago to play it and that's when it was like really, really popular at the time. And I was like, "Yeah, I guess I'll get on and check it out on Offstream." Dude, I just had it up in a queue for like 40 minutes and then I was like, "Okay, I guess I'm just gonna play something else." There was time to reel right off the bat and it was like, "Oh, well, we do not have enough servers. Okay, well then you have to wait three hours to play a game." "Oh, okay, I guess I'll take a nap."
Hi, stream. Welcome to the two. We're going to watch Lord of the Rings, episode one. Fellowship of the Ring, extended edition. And then we'll play one game. Yeah, and then we'll load up a... Oh, shit, I fell off a rock. You trip and die, or scab instantly one-shots you. Fucking scab one-shots when they auto-aim. It's like World War Z, where the dude runs off the C-130 ramp and then, like, slips and shoots himself. Oh, yeah, yeah.
I got the key! I'm here, I'm free. So those Tarkov servers right now, am I right? It's almost like there's something going on. Maybe. In the world. Maybe something pretty dangerous happened over there. Tarkov's not good for connectivity.
cyber attacks missiles war and cyber attacks worst thing for your servers is a missile I'm back to people of Ukraine and all but I'm going to stop doing that if you guys target Nikita's servers that's the line for my life that's just not cool now that it affects me I'm angry about it
I just picture them clipping that one segment of Brandon and posting it on the news. Friendship with Ukraine ended. If these servers get fucked with... Hey, listen, I'm with Ukraine. This is a threat. If you...
If you fuck with Nikita, sir, I'm going to sign up and enlist in the Foreign Legion of Russia. I will be in Kiev tomorrow. You're going to get quoted on Fox News once this week. Yeah, that was interesting. Just from calling Joy Bear a dumb bitch. Wait, you did? Yeah, Fox News. Was it New York Post? Yeah, I just did a tweet, basically, because Joy Bear went on The View and was like,
Somebody's talking about how 50,000 people could die in this con Italy thing. Yeah, I know like I'm concerned I haven't been able to vacation to Italy in four years and like God knows what that'll do Fucking fucking serious. That's the word for that spaghetti Oh
I know you're just a fucking cheap millionaire dumb bitch, but like, those are your inside thoughts. Keep them there. That was real. You really thought that. You stupid bitch. And you said it. You meant it with your heart. You don't mean it.
I know you're not smart enough for satire. This was sincere. That wasn't a joke, was it? Does it sound like a joke? Yeah, it did. You sounded stupid as shit. Then it was. It was. Gotcha. Hi. Cancels flight to Italy. Fuck. Fuck.
How's it gonna be a new Mario game? I'm sorry all these refugees from a war are gonna ruin the scenery of your... Damn it. These refugees are making the worst spaghetti. They ruined my pizza. They fucking ruined my pizza. What the fuck is goulash? I hate that shit. Bunch of goombas out there. I wanted spaghetti, not borscht. Take it back. Wait.
Wow, this is the episode. This is the one. Didn't make it to 50, boys. We were close. We were right there. We had a good run, though. We had a good run.
Either, like, so baddie-less episode either going to be the most popular episode ever or the one that gets everything deleted. Yeah. It's either or. It could be both. Yeah. The most popular and then it's over. More people see it, that's a problem. Yeah. Oh, God. Please don't get this one quoted on any news. I hope the news quotes all of this. This whole thing. Brandon, one of the main hosts for Unsubscribe. Brandon. Brandon. Brandon. Brandon.
I was just made a host and I'm about to make an everyone's problem. Oh no, this isn't the way it's supposed to go. Back by unpopular demand. Brandon. Fucking god damn it. Oh man. Batty's at the video game thingy. Expo for power up, level up. Level up, I think. I think so. Yeah. Yeah.
That looks like a good time. Batty's in his element. He's at a club partying. He's got alcohol poisoning right now. Yeah, he's in his zone. And poison. His one text to me and Donut is, my blood hurts. He's like, I couldn't get into the IV bar. It's booked until 6 p.m. Oh, God.
That sounds miserable. I can't do Vegas. Because we were just at Vegas like a month ago. Yeah, I had to get an idea on the podcast. Yeah, exactly. Which turned you into the most...
Bro, IVs will turn you around. You were so positive and happy. I found my new Adderall. It's called hydration and vitamins. Whoa. This shit's crazy. Well, this is like my- You guys ever put vas- or what is it called? What makes up an IV? Saline. Saline, yes. Just saline and water, and you chug that shit. You guys ever done that?
You feel really good. Are you blood chugging? Blood chugging. Did you ever just chug blood? What? Oh, God, what? No. Oh, you just got, like, wiping the blood off your mouth. You're like, I totally misunderstood. Oh, God. Black plasma. What? Yeah. It's like spinal fluid from children. It's delicious. I'm not going to stop. I'm not going to stop.
I'm going to keep doing this. I feel really good. Use stem cells for hangover. I drank too much. Well, here, we got a fresh baby. Crack him up and smoke it up. Thanks, Mr. Epstein.
I feel so much better now. I feel hydrated. I'm going to drink more beer now. They're like Hillary Clinton's in the corner. Normally they just drain it. They don't do the... We're all terrible people. That was pretty scary. We're all kind of demons. We're not like scary. Typically the too far kind of people, but Jesus fuck. What? It's still warm. This is the way God intended it to be.
God built them as little thermal heaters. They're just like little warm juice bottles. Yeah, they're little thermal cups. They trap the heat so well. The heart is for keeping the blood warm. It circulates. Yeah, come on. We were discussing Caleb's superpower. So we have...
If you guys don't know, it's superpowers. And then what is... I mean, you don't need an offset on your superpower. Most of the time, it's like... Well, I mean, that's technically an offset his would be. We're the worst superhero team ever. Yeah. Caleb's is not an offset. He just kills babies. That's a bad thing. That's a superpower. That is. That's a superpower.
the superpowers? That is a terrible superpower. Alright, so mine is I can fly, but while I'm flying, I have to shout racial slurs. Why do that when I fly anyway? I put on the Burger King crown. laughter laughter
The king is back. Did you see the one where they clipped that in with the Conor McGregor commercial? He's like, I'm playing with this king. And they just clipped it in the back. The king is back. But he has like Cody flying in to save minorities. Like he lands like 50 yards from the burning building and walks in and just picks them up. He's like, okay, guys, just fly us out of here. Ah.
I'm gonna walk you downstairs. Come on. Come on. Can't you just fly us? Yeah, stay still. Just pop. Get them in the boat. Okay, now we can go. Super Cody. Can I not get rescued by Donovan? I had a nightmare about racial slurs when you were saving us. Weird. Weird. That was probably the fire getting to you.
But you know those like joint dreams people have sometimes it's very weird crazy. I've heard that before What would be your offset you have no he doesn't have an offset generates babies and just fucking throws them as sick baby? I'm saving people
I can handle any situation. You're saving adults. I'm saving people who can speak. Contribute to society. I'm saving taxpayers. Yeah.
That's him on the news defending himself. I'm paying the- Listen. Babies can't pay taxes, all right? No one gives a shit. All of a sudden, the politicians are like, oh, okay. Sounds like Peacemaker. Yeah, pretty much. But yeah, basically, I can just- I have some sort of tool or- I like the baby generator. Yeah, my body either makes it out- I don't like your body making babies. Caleb's just giving birth every fucking few- No!
And then I use it as a weapon, but he's like really good at using Some kind of tool on the back. It's like a baby generator. Okay, and it sounded like a kidney stone from hell Babies and I use them as weapons
or like defense. So, you know, generated bait, pull it out, got it on my arm, like a shield, uh, tie some rope to their legs, swing them around like, uh, nunchucks. Just like, kind of like the Captain American thing. You put your hand like through the, yeah, through it. Yeah. And I'm just like punching people with like boxing gloves. I just picture the babies are super malleable.
So he gets to form them. It's one baby here and it clamps onto the other baby. So it's like a shield. Yeah, they lock hands. Or they lock hands and legs and I wear them like a vest. It's just like babies making baby noises. You have baby arms reaching up around Caleb? Yeah.
Connected with baby hairs in the back! You have shoulders! You have shoulder blades! They have no neck muscles! You're redefining what it means to have a cry plate carrier. Oh, God. Yeah, it gets shot up, you know? Caleb, keep your fucking babies down! This is a stealth mission! I could, like, mush their heads in.
You gotta mush the heads in to make them be quiet, alright? Once their hands are locked in you mush the heads in. It just stays there. It's a fucking pause button. It's a pause button. Alright, hand locked. None of you motherfuckers can say I'm the reason this podcast got cancelled. Ever. Ever.
He saved all the hostages. That was horrifying to watch. Oh god, and worse, he killed a hundred babies before he also just made those babies. But he saved twelve people. He saved twelve adults. There are more people alive than there were. Yeah. It's just a little fucking baby generator. Oh, there's so much baby parts everywhere. Oh my god, I'm fucking dead. Don't worry about it. They didn't even have names. That's what they say about Kony 2012. Oh no. It was the African children. They didn't even have names.
Oh no. Jesus fucking Christ. Batty, I'm so sorry. This is the one. This is the one that everything goes wrong. Batty's like, I leave for one week and you guys get us canceled. He's like, watching the episode on the plane ride home. No, no, no. So why'd you get canceled? Well, casual infanticide. Caleb started talking about Danny. Caleb talked about his new superpower. I wish he had. Shouldn't have brought those tiny wines.
He's chugging tiny ones, swinging babies around. What? He's getting fired up on tiny ones. That's your spinach? It's your pie pie? Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-
Fucking mosquitoes.
All of my enemies need therapy once they're out of prison. All of them. They don't want to do any more crimes. Because they're sad. They're praying now. These men are praying men now. They either find God or kill themselves. They've seen true evil. They find God or they meet him. Either way. So Brandon, what's your power? I don't know how to follow that.
What's your power you like? Oh yeah, I don't think we ever was I could run really fat I get like I had this shit every time I run like I have no control over the entire time you're running Yeah, any time I'm actually sprinting so I can travel like speed a lot, but I have uncontrollable bowel movements
So you're going to like dehydrate. That's what I'm worried about. Not showing up covered in shit. Yeah, I mean, you've got to stay alive though. I mean, technically the shit would be... Well, just drop your trowel beforehand and then like you'd just show up. Just run naked. Have a backpack with pants in it. Run naked. I just...
We need to poo that bitch. You're just blasting in shit everywhere. You're like, hold on guys, I'm putting your pants on. It never touches me. The shit's just blasting. Around the world, there's just a line of random shit everywhere. A circle of shit around the entire world.
It's like the poor guy who has to clean like Spider-Man's webs off the fucking glass. Just like, oh, Eli was here. I forgot about Spider-Man. I never even thought about that. It's like as strong as titanium or whatever. Yeah, true. They're like, how the fuck do you get that off anything? She's got like torches like cutting through. A little fucking high schooler over here jizzing everywhere. Jesus Christ. Hanging down in front of like cars when they're driving. So it's like snagging them up and destroying them. It's just like splitting through the cars. Cutting people's heads off.
I saved the day. Yeah, he's left us. Just the rotting civilians. I never hurt anyone. I never kill anybody, all right? That's my one rule. Spider-Man, look what you've done. His helicopter is like, it's your turn, Clark. He has kids all sliced up from it. One kid fell through, one was like a grater for him. Cheese grater. Caleb just always goes back to kids and smushes. Because it's always the saddest. That's why you take pleasure from it. Sure.
So Brandon? Oh, God, I don't know. Maybe my superpower would be the ability to kill myself. Go on. I need you to unpeel that. No, just the ability to kill yourself.
Brands the worst super Cody flies in yelling racial slurs I run in covered in shit Caleb's killing babies And Brandon's like I'm here God that's super Do you bring yourself back I thought this was the suicide squad Okay so we're just going We're just icing yourself I misunderstood the instructions What if you just always want to kill yourself But you regenerate every time Oh
Oh, your head goes back. You just have crippling depression. Yeah. You can regenerate. Well, turns out I don't need a superpower for that. What's your superpower? Crippling depression. And I regenerate. I ain't done it. It's like that. Yeah, exactly. Oh, I just. Oh, I'm back. I got a headache.
Just the worst shit ever. Okay, you guys have been playing Tarky. Yes. Yeah. And then I have not been playing at all in forever. I need to get back onto it. That's why you're happy. This is probably very true. This patch is actually pretty fun, man. It's really fun. I'm enjoying it. You guys, you're at how many Ruples? You a rich bitch. Oh, yeah. Well, I mean, not compared to fucking Will or anything. By the way, my son's going to beat Will up. Willers. They're about the same size. Actually, he's older. He's bigger. Yeah. John's way bigger than Will. Yeah, John or...
John has 12? Yeah. He's about to turn 13. John's still just 12, right? Oh, yeah. This is a 12-year-old boy and this is a grown man. 5'5", 187 pounds, yeah. I love Will the Death. He's going to have Will, like, in a doggy costume on a leash in, like, fucking an hour. Yeah.
but uh yeah we've been doing the turkey i'm just scavenging for rubles i don't know why that's my play style and i'll get in a fight when i get no fight brandon's like level you're like level 40 now or something ah well i'm like 33 or something like that brandon's been playing a hard question i've like that is my guilty pleasure he's been playing it off stream too
That's always, you know, that's how we've said it before. That's when you know you're addicted to said video games. Like, you know what? I'm not even going to kick on the stream for this guy. We're just going to. This is for my own pleasure. I say a lot of gamer words when I'm playing with friends and things. So turning on the stream to some of my friends is not good out there.
You count how many bottles are next to you before you hit play? Some of my friends, employees, whatever, they're like, oh, why do you never stream with us? I'm like, listen to fucking 10 minutes of our conversation. Yeah. We're canceled so fast. So fast. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. That's always been an issue. I mean, it's not an issue. I think that's a lot of the reason that some people come to my stream is to hear us talk about the shit we do.
But every now and then I'll play with like random people who like, you know, do other content. So like, Hey man, I'd love to play with you. I'm like, yeah, sure. And it doesn't mesh very well because me and my like friends, I grew up, my friends, I grew up with pretty much have the same exact humor I have. So it's all racism. Hmm.
dead babies I see you're a man of quality it just keeps spiraling I don't give a shit about their skin color I just hate babies I hate them all I hate them dead babies oh my god I'm just
Talking about punching your sperm. You hate your fucking baby so much. I hate my baby so much. She's jacking off onto a table like a hammer. Fucking like magnifying glass. Fucking die. You called it baby batter before. Oh, just wait. You fucking sperm. You fucking baby. Bloody knuckles. Over it like drooling. Look what you could have been. You could have been this. He's like...
I hate that. Opening a window for like the sun to come in, magnifying it. And my mom comes in, your sandwich is ready. Oh, thank you, mommy. And then that slow turn around. One of the cameras is always the sperm's POV. It's just up at the table. A little bit of goop coming up at me, like coming back over the table. Like dripping spit.
This is how he developed his powers. Yeah. It's like his early years. He created a machine just to kill him. It runs off of my own cum. There's a hose from the backpack that's like into my dick. So it just comes in. You just see it like a motor that comes like... That sounds like being in a loving relationship. The whole time it's just like they look like me when they come out. And I'm just like...
You understand, this is just how reproduction works. It's just a machine. It's called a wife, Caleb. It's called a wife. It takes too long. It sucks you off, you put your seed in it, and babies come out. This is how sex works. You have Batman's awesome outfit, you have Superman, you have Caleb with his fucking dick plunge. She just goes back into a tube box and it's just like popping out babies.
He just looks like the dude from Mad Max Fury Road, except the tubes don't leave there. He's just walking around. You just constantly hear, like, a churning, sucking noise all the time. Like, even while we're just, like, finally, like, killing all the baggage, you hear...
A fucking bullet flies in and grazes and hits a tomb killer He turns he looks at me or he looks at the bad guy and then like all of us are just getting covered in his fucking His leak of spit You're like Caleb! Caleb spit!
It's like the android from Aliens, he just gets cut and then just like... He's got fucking milk squirting everywhere. I'm just like constantly like chugging Gatorade. I'm like fucking dehydrated, I made like a hundred babies just... Did you see how many babies I made? I'm fucking sick, man. You're just constantly sweating. I'm fucking raw. I'm sweating. You sound like a homeschool parent.
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Mr. Ration slurs over here. No, thank you. I don't want to be associated with that. Yeah, gee whiz. Old gamer words over here. Chuck and Ninja Star, baby. Every time I pop one out, you hear the engine starts firing up. I hate...
Die, evil direct. Now throw a baby at me. I'm like, what the fuck is this? Just halfway through an intense fight, just like swords against each other. Fuck yeah. I'm like, sweat. I'm like, what the fuck is going on? What did you just say to me? Shut up. Time to die. Pop another baby. You stab him with that baby. You shake him. The baby.
I smushed the baby's head into like a sharp edge. It's like an axe. You just slowly shape it into an axe. You swing it in my legs. You put his arms in the legs and then put his little...
And then smush to lock it into place. I was thinking of like the fuckin' Arya in the Night King from Game of Thrones. Just drop it and stab it in the baby and then drag his arm. The baby's hand is just inside like squeezing the arm. It's like the Mortal Kombat kill cam. Like the 3D, like it just grabs his arm. He's like trying to pull it out and it's like clawing his arm. It's a pretty cool superpower. The more that we've developed this character...
It's pretty cool. What would your name be? Jesus fucking Christ. Oh, God. Babymaker? Yeah. Oh, my God. Fucking babymaker. Kindergarten cop? Sinister semen something. Yours is actually like, you had five listed out already. I don't know if I had a list. Definitely wouldn't it be maybe sinister semen? Maybe sinister semen. What do you guys think? The abortionist. Yeah.
Just so many to go through. It's a pretty cool superhero. What was that chick that killed her kid? Like the Amanda so-and-so? I can't remember her last name. That was a great joke, wasn't it? I couldn't remember the name. Those are the strongest jokes, Brandon.
Everyone laugh at Brandon's joke. Laugh louder. Google the name really quick. Message it to him. Yeah, we'll save this and we'll re-edit the podcast for this specific joke. Cut this and then... All around me are familiar faces. Alien laugh track. For that part.
Live studio audience. It makes way more sense, Brandon's superpower of just wanting to kill himself. If I was in this fucking Justice League, I would definitely went off myself. Like, why can't I just get away from this? I had a normal superpower before I saw Caleb in action for the first time. It's like, oh, what is this feeling? Oh, oh my God. Brandon's the leader. We forced him to be our leader for this. Yeah.
Everybody else's powers is like corrupt. Yeah, all he does is kill himself. He has to give the news interviews and stuff and explain it. We're never there. All he does is kill himself, shoot himself, hate babies, and shout racial slurs. And cum. That's all I do anyway, so I actually come to think of it. We're the offenders. Welcome to the offenders.
The offenders. That's what, yeah, the people, our superpower clan is the offenders. Yeah. I'm like, oh, this is great. This is comedy gold. Brandon gives his news interview and then they like get him in an alley shooting himself. Getting back up and walking away afterwards. What the fuck? Oh, god damn, he does it every time. Scary. The offenders are just, that man needs to see someone. Jesus fucking Christ. Oh, this is fucking gold. Okay, what?
Where do we go from there? I don't know. We just talked 40 minutes of getting cancelled. So how do we cover for the last 20 or 30 minutes? I'm not an easily offendable man, but I'm like a little sick.
Brandon goes to church after this. Brandon just gets it. It's tomorrow, Sunday. I think I'm going to church in the morning. Hey, God. It's me, Brandon. Yo, B-Dog. Been a minute. You were there yesterday. I feel it. I'm so sorry. I feel your eyes gazing at me. I don't know. They're not my friends. I don't even know the big one. It's more of a mutual relationship. I'm so sorry for him.
God, why'd you create someone like him? Why'd you make that guy? You kinda made all of us, so in a way, you can't really blame us. You have this deep fucking... Why'd you do this? Everyone's just like super offended. There we go, we got the Christians now finally.
Nobody's safe. Batty's gonna listen to this and just be like, really? Really? Who would have thought Batty was the adult in the room? Well, okay. Let's hold on. We are in his room. This does not look like a room of an adult. Nope, this looks like a 14-year-old boy's room. There's 69 on the top of that pentagram over there. Nice. It's fucking Batty's room. Is that 69? I mean, no, but... It's 68.
68? No, no, no. The top middle. Oh, oh, oh. I thought you were talking about the thing. Like, I saw the 5-2. I'm like, that's a 7. I was like, Brandon, what are you doing? Brandon, the thing that looks like 69 is what 69 is. So...
Not the numeral... The fucking number. Roman numerals is like, that's not even... Yeah, that's not even 69. It's 68. Is that 68, Brandon? No, it's not. It would be 67, except that's not what it is either. Is it 17? 17, yeah. Right? Oh, yeah, you're right. Brandon's just making up fucking numbers over there. That's not a nine, you fucking moron. There's no...
It's not a six either, Brent. Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. No one's yelled this entire time. It's weird.
Like headphone users aren't gonna have their ears decimated. Yeah, but they got my dolphin cackle. Oh, that's true. Oh, Brandon. Yeah? What gun did you make recently that's really cool? Oh, the VSS? Oh my god, yeah, you have a normal... You're like one of three people in the United States that has one or something? Legally, yeah. I can only imagine how many, like, you know, basements of a Russian mob have like fucking six stacked up somewhere, but...
You know, that's pretty neat. That gun's trash. I don't like it. Oh, really? Yeah. It's quiet. I mean, quiet is like a rough honey badger. Yeah, that's pretty much it. It's distinct, but then you look how it's built and you're like, ah! How to grip this is very awkward. How to... Yeah. I noticed that, too, when you let me hold it. It's like holding a Nintendo 64 controller. Yeah.
Like the American or really any modern way of holding a rifle you like want to like go out on the suppressor Which is great for the first round. Yeah, and then second I guess yourself fun
Yeah, this is every round is one eight eight degrees temperature change I think so you need to like I think they're issued with like a little d-ring with a pair of mechanics gloves like hey You're gonna need these makes sense. No that was a joke And now the vss's are streamer loot and
Oh, yeah. That picture. I thought you were talking about how Tarkov was a guy. Oh, yeah. And also... No, you're talking about the murder. Yeah, yeah. That's also streamed. Speaking of death, babies. Noggin. Noggin.
Welcome to Denny's. I was talking about the empty noggin parking lot photo with the VSS. Yeah, that's pretty scary. Well, they switched. The VSS is a, was it?
Wait, hold on don't say anything Brandon. I'm gonna get it is a nine by three nine. Yes Yeah, correct got it subs on the ground very good run. No, it's actually great Yeah, ballistic was wise it hits harder than the 300 blackout. Yes, just cuz has more energy, but realistically speaking It's also like a 45 ACP. Yeah, it's a slow. It's a fat hog round just That's pretty cool Exactly like 45 ACP because it's similar bullet weight same velocity and you're like, hey, wait a minute. Oh
So I could have just had like a 1911. Long range. Yeah. And then less recoil probably. Yeah. But, you know, as long as you don't think about that, it's a good gun. Wait, Tarkov, you said the new...
How does that compare in like Tarkov where it's the new recoil system? It used to be a laser. We all used to run that. When I played, I would run that. Yeah, the VSS and the Val were monsters in Tarkov because it was, like you said, a laser. The Val was the fucking 20 rounder. That had a 20 rounder, right? 20 or 30. Yeah, and you can just 30 round mags for like 50,000 rubles. They're so expensive. They're expensive IRL. I just bought one.
Like the big 30 rounders. Yeah. I got it for like, it was like 300 bucks. So yeah, it translates about the same. Yeah. For a magazine, it's 20 bucks. Well, they don't exactly import them. Oh, that is very true. Yeah. Yeah. Got it from somebody who got them in ways that I don't care to know about. Legally. They're here. Sure. They were airsoft.
Not my fucking problem. Yeah, nice man now.
But the recall says now they suck garbage and dark. Oh, yeah, they nerfed the hell out of them This is just a recoil pattern on there. Just like the pop recalls and saying it goes straight up No, it's not like it used to be have either of you shot the VSS. Mm-hmm. I was you let me do it Yeah, cuz it doesn't recoil. I mean really bad. I've never had the 9x39 I think I fired two different versions of that gun and it's never been
It's not like, oh my god, it's just like... Oh yeah, because you shot our other one. Yep. Yeah. Like, it's not a high recoil gun. I don't know why they did that. Well, I mean, a full auto is probably different too, though. Yeah. Man, it's like less than an AK. Close range is great, but like, past like 10 yards. It's not like it used to be. Used to be able to pop people across the map with the fucking thing, but... Which, that doesn't make sense either, though. Yeah. Well, it wasn't introduced as a sniper rifle. So...
I've been told multiple things. One is like, it's like a dog popper, but the other is like, it's meant to take out like equipment. Like if you've got like a, that's Brandon's other superpower. Oh, just being completely autistic. Hi, I'm dog popper. You have a baby killer and dog popper. He generates dogs to shoot. This isn't even super power. I'm actually an ATF. Um,
Shooting dogs all the time. Bored.
Boreata, I got a dog out super accurate. There's a dog in front of it. So he just chucks 50% damage He can't miss once they're a dog thrown in the new like fallout skill buff. It's like ATF agent Get that like Oh 50% damage against animals mostly domestic You both walking around fucking baby generator backpack you have a dog generator backpack I
I thought you said this was a no-kill shelter. Where do we find him? The Humane Society. Oh my god, I'm so sorry, Batty and Fluck. Have fun! I can't tell if this is actually funny or just fucked up. A little bit of both. We're going to find out in the comments below. Yeah, we will. I was going to talk about Outer Eggs today. I'm not going to. We're going to push that product just a little.
They're gonna pay you not to do that. Send them the... Just watch it. You guys come after all... Fast forward past the baby dead stuff. You'll see the dog stuff is right after that. Give a really good shout out for... We tell companies to pay us not to put their shit in there. This infanticide brought to you by Pringles. Guys, this is called blackmail. Is it? Yeah, there's literally an email saying...
Pay us this much or we're releasing this episode. We didn't agree discussing our product. It's an advertisement. I mean, it's an advertisement. We're helping you, really. You're not helping us. Well, that's, you know, in the eye of the beholder. Fine, here's the money. We're down there factory. You know?
Twitter canceled this. The money is also less than you'd pay your attorneys to fight this. Have fun, my friends. I'm not saying, I'm just saying. God damn it. Okay, so we'll go back on track on Tarkov. It's going to be one of these episodes.
The- what are the- what's- how's the meta now when it comes to actually like "Hey, here's how the guns fucking work." What's the best- is it like the AR platform? Yeah, it's the SR-25 and then the um, the bullpup- the 7.62x51 bullpup. Those things are like the metas right now. The what? It's a- it's a um- J'vor? Fuck.
No, no, I didn't know there was more. The NBR? No, it's that stupid brand. Kel-Tec. It's a Kel-Tec. Oh, the RFP. Yeah, yeah, that thing's like the Netter right now. I was thinking 54R for some fucking reason. It's pretty quiet, too, when you put a suppressor on it. That's the fucking... And there's no recoil on that big ass... And shotguns. Because it's tight like a bullpup, whatever. Although the RFP is kind of fucking stuck in real life. I don't like them anyway. Most bullpups aren't the...
They feel mechanical, but it's that linkage system. You're like, eh... Triggers are dog shit. I wish there was a way to have, like, good and bad triggers in Tarkov. Like, jerking your shot just a little bit. Oh, that'd be cool. I hate that they added the mechanic that guns fucking jam now. You can get stovepipes in your gun if it's not properly maintained. I just found out yesterday... Did they maintain it? Yeah, you have to, like, repair them and shit. Like, if you use them for, like, ten raids in a row, like, the durability will go down. Especially if you use, like, fucking hot ammo and things like that. It's actually pretty realistic. Yeah.
But it's annoying as fuck. Yeah, there's like a new button for clearing your gun because you'll get a you'll see a stovepipe and your fucking gun and you'll have to hit I think it's like wire or something to clear it. They added that shit? Yeah, and there's different types of malfunctions. It's like there's one it's like check your gun. Okay, and then it'll tell you what kind of malfunction or what key bind you need to do to clear it. Yeah, I'm trying to slide cancel.
You guys have fun clearing your gun. I'm slide canceling. Yeah, this is how I play. I can't do it. Yeah, I just found out yesterday that durability burn, like the durability, like if you're low durability, like your gun's going to jam or whatever, it also affects accuracy. Like ammo weight goes up like crazy.
That's why my scabs miss sometimes when I'm like I got that headshot because there's a scab you always spawn with a weapon that's Like 50% durability. Yeah, like you never spawn with anything brand new you using like old burned-out guns Yeah, and so those are the ones that are gonna like have malfunctions and shit So when you're playing a scab now like one out of ten times you'll have a malfunction on your gun. Oh
No shit. It's nutty. I need to download and just play with you guys and just get back. Because I could play better now because I played so much more.
War zone at least I'll be comfortable with them the movement mechanics cuz of war zones like hey we can drop fucking Caleb's a monster of Wars and I can't sometimes like it's just so 80d and I'm like and I killed by 11 year old Korean kids man good enough to not lose to those I just like I like that like speed, you know, I mean like being able to like I
and jumping around and you're like, the battles are always like fucking crazy. You're like jumping on a roof and you're shooting down and they're like sliding through a door and you're like, okay, jumping after them. It's just, I love that. I'm not going to lie, like after playing Warzone for an hour or two, I always just like start getting a fucking migraine. Oh yeah, dude. It's work, man. Like I get, like Tarkov is work as in like there's a lot to know and to like a lot, like, you know, it's more realistic. It's methodical. Yeah, playing Warzone, it's like the movement is like work. Getting it down, you're like...
Like when you like it's so much information There's a lot gonna like people behind you people in front of you teens coming somebody's going through this door You're trying to slide and dodge and go up these stairs real quick somebody's behind like and your teammates yelling at you Okay, okay, you're like looking at your mini-map sometimes I like see watch my margin right you're like where the fuck's the red mark I just like watch mommy like clip sometimes and I like to see my seven I'm like
I'm like, my eyes are like, I'm like, what the fuck am I looking at that's over there? And, uh, dude, it's just, it's a lot. It makes me, uh, really tired for sure. It's super chaotic. Yeah. You're fucking vlogging on the job. Dude. Yeah. Cody's just pulling up the vlog thing. I'm doing it every, every episode. Are we? Yeah. No shit. We do an episode. I'll just get a little clip of us during the episode. I'm a piece of trash.
Does nobody else have peripheral vision? No, or hearing. I am! It's like, recording! Donut now recording. No, no, sweetheart, the red blinking light means it's off. That's why, like, Warzone, it's that. That's why I love it. We had a dub, what was it, two days ago we were playing? Thursday. Thursday.
And it was like last circle, there's five teams remaining. It's me and Zex, Matt's down, and we're at nine kills, ten kills. And Zex pushes the opposite side. I'm like, he's like, no, don't go that way. I was like, dude, there's a guy in here, and then there's two in the other house, and one's going to run up. I guarantee it. He's like, I don't know. And I like walk by the door. He's looking at the opposite door, fucking murder him, peek out back. Dude's sprinting, kill him, kill the guy running out back. Yeah.
Dive in, slide, and we get the dub at the end. And it's just fucking an open circle. It's one of those circles where it's just open. Yeah. And everyone's just shooting. Thank you for your service. It's hard. I'm more proud of my COD service than I am my military service. I don't think you can play COD so well that you don't have to pay property taxes. I wish. I like...
I don't know. I feel like, like, I want to play Warzone tonight. Like, it's probably what I'm going to do. Like, even though... I might play Elden Ring for a little bit, but, like, if I go a couple days without playing, I'm like, man, I need to fucking play Warzone. Like, even though, like...
very rare maybe like win one game every like day or two something like that sometimes like i still like want to fucking play it because it's i feel like my fucking brain is like going like not like insane when i'm playing it like my like just so much to like think it and process dude i fucking love it and that's like the only uh battle royale game that i've played that like
fucking makes my heart race dude like no matter what like especially when it gets to the like last circle i'm fucking like sweating dude like i can feel my like like zoning in and my pits are like getting sweaty i'm like okay okay i'm like sliding and going like doing stupid shit and i love it that's like tarkov when you're at the end when you have a whole bunch of gear and you're like trying to what evac yeah and you hear footsteps on the other side of the wall yeah you know
Just listening to you talk about that has made me realize how fucking stupid I sound talking about Tarkov to people who don't play video games. I'm just like, well, yeah, man, none of this matters. This is all pixels and ones and zeros on a TV screen that have nothing to do with my life whatsoever. But I'm like fucking like taking years off my heart. Yeah. Fucking adrenaline. Trying to play it. The passion in your guy's eyes. It's like you talking about, it's like the camera slowly pushing. Your eyes are like,
Fire and you're like this is what's going on that hard cut to anyone the girlfriends are when you're talking about it And they're like oh, dude. No yeah, you're fucking I got a text from my girlfriend like the other night while I was playing like because I just I shouted something cuz I absolutely fucking Dunked on two dudes. Yeah, I was not geared. I was on shoreline. I was trying to survive I fucking dunked on two gear dudes and
She said, I hit pause to check something and all I hear is, get fucked, nerd. Good to see you're playing nicely. Yeah, it's always good. I think I was screaming the worst things on Elden Ring a few nights ago. Like that first night it came out, I was just...
Like, just anger. It's like, oh, fucking bullshit. One thing that gets me about those games, man, the one thing that gets me about the games, and they say, like, everybody's like, oh, these games are so hard, these games are so hard. I know, I've beat most of them, and it's not that they're hard. It's that, like, all of the bosses and even the fucking, like, little mini dudes you fight...
They have moves that just track you. They have like a weird aim bar. Yeah, they can jump up in the air and be about to swing like their giant weapon on the ground and it'll like follow you. Yeah, you do a dodge roll but in the middle of the air they're able to like swing it and still hit you somehow.
So, like, does their entire, like, body, like, kind of move? Yeah, all of it moves and chases you. That's pretty lame. It's, like, so annoying. This is like all Dark Souls games. Yeah, dude, all of them are like that. And, like, I get it. They're hard or whatever. But it's not even that they're, like, hard. It's, like, the...
it's bullshit it literally is the bosses and the mini dudes i compared to this every time i play i'm like it's like you're playing a fucking street fighter game with like your like six-year-old cousin who's learned one move and yeah they get you knocked down in a corner and they just tap that same move over and over and over until you're fucking dead i hate this fucking game it's all broken i'll be playing it tonight yeah you're like i'm gonna fucking play it until i beat it and
And that's literally what happens all the time. You get stuck. Like I was fighting a boss a couple nights ago, and there was like four mini dudes in there with him. And they just run so fast, and they all just spam attacks. And if you get, like especially early in the game. Oh, they chain it, and you're fucked. Oh, you're fucked. Especially early in the game when you don't have a lot of good stats. If you get knocked down sometimes, it like stuns you. So your guy takes like a whole five seconds to stand back up. So you're like, ugh.
Oh, we that really hurt and the whole time they're like The whole time and then you're just doing the same animation where you're just like And your soul is pop up in your life I like I couldn't even stand up like it's all that shit happens all the time well those and that's why it's like so
I feel the best when you beat a boss in Dark Souls or Sakura. Like Sakura, the butterfly girl, that first super hard boss, the chick that's on the wires. She's the first main boss on Sakura. I'm not sure. Fucking is like a full day of right up until I actually beat her because you have to beat first form, then second form. First form, you kill them and then they resurrect full health. And I don't even know if I streamed it, but it was down to like... Oh, so you were playing something off stream? You fucking nerd. Yeah.
Yeah. And it's that last sliver and you're like, go, go, go, go. You're just trying to spam out. Just swing your sword. Just swing your sword. I just want to hit you one time. Oh, God. Yeah. I've never played a Dark Souls game. Dude, they're obsessed. It's annoying. I played Dark Souls 3. I went to the first boss. I beat him after like 10 tries and was like, I'm never playing this shit ever again. Yeah. Like the memes are true. Oh, yeah. It's just frustrating, man. You just die all the time. Oh, yeah. Like literally hundreds of times. Like within like a
hour of playing last night, like to the same guy. And it's like the same thing. It's you collect a bunch of loot and shit, right? And like, it's like your souls or whatever, like coins or some shit to level up. And if you die one time, that shit's all dropped in a spot. You have to get back to that spot and pick it up without dying or else it completely vanishes. So it's like if you've been alive for a long time, killing all kinds of shit, you know, you've got a lot of points to level up.
and it'll be like the most random stuff you get there like the whole game no no no it's like i mean it's every time you die so it's like charcoal imagine you go out and you die yeah with everything
And then instead of, what's it say, proper being like, I brought your stuff, you have to go then back out. To where you died. To get your stuff. But you get to keep it all forever once you get to a certain point. Once you, no, you gotta just use it. You gotta use it. Oh, shit. It's like points to level your shit up and to buy new shit. So as long as you use it and put it on your dude or level up, buy weapons or whatever. Got it.
Okay, then you keep it. Then you get to keep it. But those points are just in your pocket, so you just fucking lose them all. You're like, oh, I got all these Ruples. So you want to use it basically ASAP. Yeah, you want to... Basically, what I do is I'm like, okay, I need this many points to level up. Once I have that much, I'm going to go somewhere and fucking level up. You have to make it to a flame, though. Yeah. And every time you go to a new flame, all the enemies respawn. Yeah, once you sit down on that flame... Like, you could kill a giant fucking boss right behind... This game sounds fucking terrible. Oh, it's so annoying. But it's just like...
And shit everywhere. As soon as you're like, oh, I'm going to take a rest now and get better. Like, okay, well, we're going to make every single thing you just killed alive again. Every time. Yeah, every time. Behind or in front. This is what I imagine hell is like. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's just like you're doing... Just removing your progress. Yeah, pretty much. You dig a hole and then somebody fills it back over. You're a little bit stronger now, but also every single monster is alive again. Oh, man. Demon Slayers was worse because...
In Demon Slayer, it's the first Dark Souls. When you died that initial time, you went from full health to half health permanently. You always have half health. So in your brain, there's items that can bring you back to life. So then you're reset. What they don't tell you in game is the second you use that item,
You make the game harder. So yeah, yeah, so and then there's six capstone sort So you have like difficult settings you can go one way or the other so if you resurrect yourself six times you are now playing in the hardest version of Demon souls and it or yeah and it is
I remember doing it because I was like, oh, first boss, I'm dying to tower and I was like, what the fuck? Resurrect myself. Okay, I'm going to beat tower and I resurrect myself. I was like, I'm out. I was like, why the fuck are the dogs one-shotting me now? I couldn't understand why. They don't say it at all. No, there's no like warning. I was online reading and they're like, oh, you're resurrecting yourself. That makes the game harder by X amount every time you do that until it caps at six or four. You know what's weird? We've been talking about video games this podcast.
I mean, we did do like a 40-minute segment about baby killing. Baby killing. Baby killing would come. Those are strong. To be expected, frankly, but...
Oh, fuck. I did get a new computer. Oh, yeah. Nice. That's fucking... This thing's fucking gorgeous. Fuck. Put it up on screen if I remember to send it to you. It's fucking gorgeous. They got a logo. It's water-cooled. 3090. That thing's a goddamn monster. You have a 3090 also? Yeah. You have a 3090... Two 3090s. Two 3090s. You have the most gangster...
I got the sleeper PC. So I work with EK fluid gaming's for mine and they did a phenomenal batty does the same you worked with Xydex is yours and they built a fuck that sleeper computer is so fucking It's a 20 year old compact PC case
And you can never tell what's inside of it from the outside. It's like almost yellowish. Yeah. It has like a CD drive and a fucking floppy. It looks like a computer lab. Yeah. Aged plastic. Oh, yeah. It looks disgusting. The sun has made it like snot. Yeah. Yeah.
it looks like cigarettes smoke inside probably the snot yeah it's probably also snot but yeah you open it up and there's a water cooled 3090 in there and like so good that's pretty cool the best processor you can get right now it's cool imagine like just going to like a foreclosure or something like that you're just like just
Daring all the shit out whatever you're like this old fucking junker PC you toss it in the pile it breaks open you see what was inside It's being like grinded up No wonder you couldn't afford to pay the bills for your house Jesus Christ 90s
Fucking 39s are expensive as shit. Yeah. You can actually get them for MR. Yeah. If you can find them for MSRP. Yeah. MSRP right now, it's like three or four grand. If you can get it from factory 1600, everything else is three to four grand. You're like, holy shit. What? Like two for mine. Yeah. And that was like, that was a buddy, buddy hookup. Fucking crazy. And then you run a,
I have a 2080 Super in mine Which is We were discussing that Like 1080 Ti You can almost run any game Max Max performance And then you're like 2080 Super or Ti And you're like You really can run everything At 144 frames at Yeah
1440p like on ultra yeah that computer the top flight built me that was a 2080 ti I never had any fucking problem yeah man yeah yeah because it's a the 2080s a fucking monster yeah 3090s are oh sorry there's like it's a lot and then the new ones are about to come out the 40 the 40 series what are you what are people using these for yeah
Swing pools It's like Well you don't really need it But it's kind of cool I'll be interested In seeing if those Numbers are true Of double 3080s Yeah Cause that's a Bold statement They said the new series Is double the speed How do you power that
They're getting more efficient, though. Really? You gotta, like, put that... What's that size? It's, like, for your dryers and washers. It's a big, like... Ooh! Like the 220. Like a special outlet. Oh, God. Your house dims when you...
Your ass is like, what? There's like radiation inside your ear. Like, you gotta wear a suit and shit. You gotta wear a Gaggard camera in there. Why do you need to run three-phase power to your fucking office? Well... You have the radar detector. It's like... Yeah.
I feel the cancer forming. Halfway through the game, tufts of hair are falling out. But look at these graphics. It looks beautiful. You're like, why is your skin bubbling?
It's crazy the new graphics cards is to double the speed of
Of not even needing double the speed, as we were saying. Like the 2080s, you can run max on everything. 3080s, if it's double that...
in a year is the most ridiculous thing ever because no games... What are we going to do? Yeah, what is ever going to be that great in the next couple years? And they're just going to keep doing this and it's going to be like, oh yeah, this is way better than the 49. This is double the 49. You understand you're describing the other song. Yeah, basically. But it's just better and better and better. But for what? What am I supposed to watch on this? Really?
Real life. Yeah, Brandon's like, look at this thing that you use in your pocket and you upgrade every time. Unless they're going to start making some VRs that plug directly into the shit and that quality comes over. I don't think they're quite that awesome. I think the graphics on some of the VRs are pretty good, but I don't think they stack against...
monitor graphics. So imagine that's hard. Alexa. Yeah, for sure. What's it? Half-Life looks real. Have you played the Half-Life? I've seen it played. I like played demos and I played one of the friends, but I never like beat them. Well, the Half-Life VR is the new that one looks fucking awesome.
That's one where you're like, oh yeah, okay. Valve always, Valve knows what they're doing when they create their products. They put money into it. They put time. And even the spray paint part. They put time. They put a lot of time. A lot. They put a lot of time. A lot of time into all three video games that they've made. Which is ridiculous when you look at it. It's like they made Half-Life, Half-Life 2, Half-Life 2.5. Yeah.
Do you remember the orange box? That's what I was saying because you had the orange box. You had Team Fortress, Day of... Was it Day of Defeat? Yeah, it was Team Fortress, Day of Defeat, Half-Life 1, of course. No, that was Blue. Counter-Strike and Blue Force. No, it was where you play as Barney, the security guard in Black Mesa. It was Blue...
Blue shi- it wasn't blue shift was it? It was blue. Fuck what was it? Wait, portal wasn't in any of that? No, that came out after yeah. Cause that was the Half-Life 2 engine. Oh, okay. Maybe that's why I'm thinking about it. Dude, Day of Defeat back in the day you would have Day of Defeat Source before- there was Day of Defeat then Day of Defeat Source. Source was the Half-Life 2 engine also. Yes. I played the fuck out of Day of Defeat man. That was my jam. I can remember those maps. They look like fucking butthole now but dear god. Dear ass. God. This is before your guys' time. Yeah, see I don't know that one. Little bit.
You're like four. I didn't get into fucking PC gaming until like two years ago. Maybe a year and a half ago. I remember the first time you played PC at my house. Oh, yeah. That was right. We dropped the gamer words with Matt there. It was your birthday. I had to delete that behind. Yeah. He's like, what? What? I can say that. I've been to war. You can't say that. What? What?
Dude that fucking realize it at the time that was apparently a big deal Yeah, and you were trying to learn keyboard and mouse brain is like not a keyboard a mouse guy He's just out the gate. Just like here have fun. He's like um
Okay, I was just... You're like, he just had to look at the space bar. Oh yeah, you did. Yeah, Brandon looks down for the space bar. He's like, hit the space bar. He's like, oh, this is great. He's set up for success. He's a monster now. I actually started getting pretty good because I would hunker down in one spot with a PKM so I didn't have to reload or do anything. Just like, all right, I'm gonna wait for somebody. All right. This is why these are popular in Syria. Jesus Christ.
What were y'all playing? That was Modern Warfare. Oh, okay. Multiplayer. This was a birthday two years ago? I think so. Dude, this was great. You missed this birthday. It was my favorite birthday. We didn't know you then. Yeah. It wasn't even real. I wasn't even a real boy then. You weren't even a real boy. You weren't even a part of the team. You didn't come out of the machine. No. I didn't even come out of the machine until just like last year. You replaced old Caleb with new Caleb. Yeah. You disappeared. Yeah.
It's the Django Boba Fett thing. Caleb 1.0 dropped me, didn't remember me, and I grew up to a strong boy. I killed him. I stayed alive. He threw me in someone. I stayed alive. And I grew. I climbed inside that person. I fed off their innards. Just imagining baby Caleb taunting like a grown-ass man. Just imagining him coming up and taunting. I think he...
I think you have cancer. Is that a tumor? No, that's a baby. That's a baby. Your face pushed against the skin. It's just trying to escape. Hello. It's me. Get out of here.
Daddy, is that you? Oh, gosh. Okay, well, I think that's going to be it. Brandon, you get to close it out. Oh, do I? Oh, cool. Well, because I'm the new host. Yeah. New, the normal host. Never coming back. Yeah.
Okay, well, everyone, thank you for watching this episode of the Unsubscribed Podcast with myself, Eli DoubleFab, Donut Operator, and Caleb Francis. Caleb, thank you for coming. Hey, thanks for having me, of course. Brandon, great to have you back as a main host.
We'll just keep this going. Like always. Like always. From now until forever. This is normal. This is new normal. Guys, see you probably not next week. We're going to get canceled. This is the one. This is it. Bye. Bye. Fucking fuck. You fuck fuck. Not a fuck fuck. I hate fuck fucks, dude. God.
