29 - Superhero Jesus ft. Brandon Herrera 58:10

Brett, two, one, let's go. You did it. You opened it and put it down immediately. Thank you. Hi, everyone. Unsubscribe podcast here. Today, we have Batty Streams, Eli DoubleFap, and Brandon Herrera. Otherwise known as...

A.K. Jesus. The official Brandon Herrera. Okay. The official? You're going to do that to that man? The official? Is that the thing now? I don't know. Is it the real Brandon Herrera? Yeah, it's the real Brandon Herrera. Just in case you didn't know he was real. Not the fake one. I keep telling you guys, like, I couldn't buy the account, like, Brandon Herrera, at Brandon Herrera from Instagram, because it was, like, some 300-follower skater dude in Canada. He's like, this is how my people know me, bro. I'm worth at least 10 grand.

I'll give you $300 and a handshake. I don't even want to shake his hand. He's Canadian. Oh, and then we have... Hi, everyone. This is the lowest energy we've ever started. Okay, let's rebate this. We're in what appears to be poverty, so welcome. The podcast is not doing well. We owe money now. The government then took all of our D&D items.

They took our swords, our helmets. They arrested us just collecting Batty's figures. Batty's like, "My dragons!" No, not my dragons! Not my dragons. I just moved fuck off! That's all I got left. Every time we progress, as I said, one step forward, two steps back, we have working audio, sets destroyed. Literally, it's like they finally got it together and they're poor.

Like and subscribe, please. We obviously need those likes and subscribes. Help Batty get his dragons back. Leave a comment below. Each like is one more dragon I get to keep from the IRS. There was one thing. It's like our top comment. We should just like, well, we'll give them a shout out on each podcast. Did we say that? No, we say a lot of things and then we completely ignore them after we're done recording. You guys remember Ranchwater?

You guys remember the the tinder profiles we're gonna make for the female versions of us? Oh, yeah. Yeah, that was the one that everyone's yelling at you guys remember when we were gonna play Final Fantasy 14? That's another one people keep yelling at us about. We played Destiny for 30 minutes. I have played like 200 hours Brandon's Brandon plays video. Yeah, Brandon's here. Hi We actually today and it felt I knew what I

Cody felt like today because they were talking about RTS is and fucking old school classic shit tycoon and stuff and I was like what and baddies like it's a great topic we can go for hours on this will be good I'm like the fuck am I gonna talk I honestly don't even know what he was me I honestly don't even know what an RTS means real-time strategy it's that one game you're playing with the dinosaurs no no that is not RTS oh what's that age of empires

That's like a sandbox building game. The dinosaur one was like Zoo Tycoon, Roller Coaster Tycoon. We're talking about Jurassic Park, Operation Genesis, the OG Jurassic Park game. Fuck you, Eli, and your loud slurp. So all the kids that are Brandon's age might know this game. Operation Genesis was like... It was pretty good. It was on, I think, PlayStation 2 and the Xbox, the original Xbox. And it was the first, like...

Jurassic Park game where you could build a park with dinosaurs in it. You could build your own Jurassic Park. I was in high school. Brandon was in kindergarten. Okay, that actually might be true though. That would have been a 10 year gap. I would have been in high school 15. You would have been 5. So while I was playing this game, you were at 1. This guy's fucking cool. I'm like...

Pick my buddies up dragging him. I'm never playing Call of Duty again You like a shot while you're playing dinosaur games, it wasn't my I didn't shoot him or did you know? Okay, Jesus over here. Oh, that's true. Can Jesus teleport?

Holy fuck, what? Yeah, that's actually, that's a way better question. Can Jesus teleport? Yeah, he does have some superpowers. He walked on water. Watered wine. Wasn't there like some healing shit? He went to hell and back, so he did teleport. Is that a superpower though? No, it's a teleport. Oh, interdimensional teleportation. He shot a Kamehameha. What? That's Dragon Ball Z. Oh. Imagine that's one set. It's like John 316. Go to Jesus. And Jesus shot a Kamehameha.

And kicked his ass. Dude, you guys need to have a legit priest on the podcast to ask questions like, can Jesus teleport? Because honestly, his superpowers are kind of fucking lame. If you're a priest, do you want to be on our podcast? Congratulations, he can multiply fish. Where is he on the Marvel tier list? Is he an S tier mutant? Okay, are we talking Hawkeye?

Are we talking Hawkeye or like, you know, Thor, a literal god?

Not one of these fake water to wine gods. Wolverine can regenerate quickly. It took Jesus three fucking days. And he was only nailed up a little bit. Like one little poke. Come on. This will be the episode. This is the line. How do we get cancelled this week? Jesus, not even a good superhero. That's the title? And we're just like... We're just...

It's Jesus, comma, not a good superhero. Canceled by the left, canceled by the right. If everybody doesn't hate us, we're not trying hard enough.

Now if the Bible was like DBZ, it would take him like three chapters to build up that Kamehameha. It's a spirit bomb. Every fucking chapter in the Bible ends with nothing. Like damn it, when's Jesus going to do something cool? Man, this crucifixion is taking years to read. God, he's been on the last supper for four chapters. I get it. This is your body.

Catholic jokes. Oh, hi. If anyone's still around and watching. Hi, everyone. They shouldn't be. No, Batty, you had, what was, okay, we have a couple cool topics, but Batty's topic is the one I don't know. Why are you making fun of, do your topic. No, my topic's cool. We'll save that later.

RTS is go. Okay, you can't just... Okay, okay, okay, okay. Stop it. We're talking about some classic PC era games. SimCity, first of all. SimCity 2000. SimCity 2000. Was there a 3000 and 4000? No, I played it on PC back in like 98. Yeah, absolutely, man. Great topic.

You never played anything like that? You didn't do any- Eli, you didn't play any sort of like builder games? I played the SimCity on Super Nintendo, 'cause I was- That was a thing?! It's that old?! Poor, and my family didn't own computers. There's SimCity on Super Nintendo? Yeah, SimCity! What did you play EverQuest on? A PC and- Shut the fuck up then, you had a PC! Yeah, I had to trade up paintball guns, and then I traded my paintball guns for a shitty laptop that barely ran EverQuest.

You could have played SimCity. Poor. I had a hamster power in the laptop. We didn't even have electricity. No, it was a chihuahua. PS1 had the... It had to crank up like the fucking truck that they took the rear axle off of. It spins the generator. Yeah.

"Kid wants to game again!" "Thank you, father." I just see Eli's dad on a pedal bike with the back wheel gone, just powering a little fucking... "Is the internet working, son?" "See?" My dad doesn't sound like that at all. No, that's headcatted now. He doesn't sound like slowpoke Radigan. He's like, "Hello, Eli. Is the game working yet?"

You sound like a bad Looney Tunes villain. It is. It's the slow Mexican. Slow mouse. Slow Pocas Ricas. I am the slowest mouse in all of Mexico. I just want to take a nap. Speedy Gonzalez. Literally. It wasn't racist.

Oh, okay, there's the next title. It wasn't racist. Just to clarify, YouTube, he's a Mexican. We got two Mexicans on this one. You guys stayed quiet as fuck during that whole thing. What else am I going to say? Hi, I'm white. Hey, Fluck, could you- Really?

Fluck, could you just edit out their laughs during that last joke? Just like, just audible silence. Me and Brandon, that's loud as fuck. The audible silence podcast. I hate all of you. Mainly just you, Eli. I love you guys, actually. Fuck you, Eli.

But yeah, we had PlayStation 1 had SimCity 2000, and then Super Nintendo had SimCity, which was over top SimCity.

And, like, you remember the monsters that would come in? Everyone remembers the monsters from Sim City? I don't remember any monsters. I remember there being natural disasters. I remember the weather. Yeah. They had natural disasters plus a monster disaster would come in. It was a robot. Cyber robot. It was that robot. I don't remember a robot. And on Super Nintendo, it was Bowser that would come in and destroy the city. What? Yeah. In Sim City? Yeah. I'm going to pull this shit out, and I'm going to show my commercial.

Put it up, Fluck! What is Fluck putting up? Bowser and Bowser. Just put up Bowser. Just Photoshop it so he feels good. Just give Eli this little win. Oh my god, there was SimCity on Super Nintendo. Eli, you are so fucking old. That looks like shit. Yeah, it's fucking... Those are the games of our childhood, sir. It was 2003. Oh, that looks awful.

You'd have Bowser? That was an actual, that was SimCity? Yeah, it was all topped. Did it look that bad? Oh wow, yeah. That reminds me of like Game Boy Advance.

Honestly though, yeah, kind of. I mean, it was literally OT. It's a 16-bit system, so... But it was actually a lot of fun. It was the only SimCity I really played a bunch of. I actually built like a... I think I played SimCity like 3,000 or 4,000. I think that was the thing, right? Am I crazy? Yeah, I know there was 2,000. Didn't they do 3,000 or 4,000 too? Yeah, they made it futuristic and stuff. Yeah.

I played the fuck out of her. Which one of those three I play. I played a lot of one of the early some cities, but eventually I transitioned over to city skylines, which was a new it was basically just Sim City, but fucking better. It was a it was it was just a new Sim City, but better in every fucking way.

I don't know why people like these games, but I did. They're pretty fun if you get into it. It's just like the planning. I don't know. I like doing it. It's the same reason I think people like all the goat simulator, farm simulator, semi-trucks. I don't understand it. I just raise taxes. I'm like, shit, I need this new shit. I'm going to raise taxes real quick, and then I get it. But unlike the real world, I'd actually put it towards the city. What a concept. I know.

I'd be like, yeah. But it was that weird, like, okay, I need water grids. I need electricity. Yeah, I loved planning that shit. It was kind of weird. Now that I think about it, I was a kid enjoying planning cities. Like, oh, I've got to zone this for industrial areas. Don't want to put the residential next to industrial because people get real mad when they're next to factories. Nobody in the city of Bernie has played that game. Yeah.

Bernie's just a terrible layout. It is kind of like all over the fucking place, huh? Yeah. Yeah, and they've been apparently working on I-10 for like, I don't know. Oh, yeah, that's right. The interstate all near Bernie is just... It's been under construction since the first time I came out here. Yeah, it's been a minute. Yeah, it's been... I know the next door neighbor that watches the views. Yeah. He said in 2018...

Going from I-10 from San Antonio to Bernie was a 50-minute drive. You know, this started as video games, and this unironically turned into city planning. Okay, guys, so if you... How can we fix Bernie? We're going to chop this place up, and we're going to buy it. Bernie's ours. We figured this out on our podcast where we talk about cum and Jesus superheroes. It's like the lame version. Sorry, there's the first time somebody said cum.

Of course, it was you down there. We had to come. We had to do the come. We had to do the come. It's No Nut November, though, so... Yeah. Imagine doing that stuff.

Why? Who's telling me there's like a reason behind that? Wait, there's an actual reason behind it? I thought it was just idiots. Is it like a cancer thing? Oh fuck, no. No, you're supposed to be like... Oh no! Yeah, because you're supposed to like come to... It's healthy. Yeah, it's healthy. Weird, it's like you're supposed to let your body do its natural functions. Yeah. I'm definitely not healthy, but I come alive. My natural process.

Oh, man. Does, um, so does, like, Command & Conquer count as RTS? Yes, that is RTS. Absolutely. StarCraft, WarCraft, the early WarCraft games, Age of Empires, Gold Edition, like, the greatest fucking RTS ever. Halo Awards, does that count? Yeah, yeah, that was an RTS. Oh, yeah. Okay.

God, that's the generational gap right there. I never played Halo Wars, actually. But you knew of it. I would never have thought of Halo Wars. They made an RTS like StarCraft, but in the Halo universe. They were cashing in after Halo 3. They didn't want to do any actual work, so they re-skinned an RTS. Let's get a cheap team on this one. Lower the Paul account, shrink them, send it. What was the RTS with Gandhi?

Civ. Yeah. Civilization. Yeah. Civ is one of my favorite games. Civ's fun. So Gandhi and how that works, you know how they coded him wrong and that's why he became a fucking dick. That's Civ 4. Yeah, Civ 4. They coded Gandhi wrong so he was like peaceful. Super passive. And then it rolled back because if you formed a

It's what happens when it's numbers. When you hit zero, it doesn't go to negative one. It resets it to the highest possible aggressive count. Gandhi's like, I love you guys. And it's like, you have formed even, you make Gandhi even more peaceful. He's like, New government day! Straight up Gandhi turning into a warmongering, I can't remember what he said. There can be no suffering if there is no life. We're never changing.

But yeah, I remember that. I think Civ 4. I think it was 4. Yeah, that's so awesome. The Civilization games were... Did you ever play any of this? I know you didn't. No, I didn't. Shut the fuck up. Did you ever... I'll take your guest. I'm just gonna go leave. Hey, Eli, can you move your car? Welcome to the podcast, Brandon. Brandon, everyone. No, Civ was... I forgot there's... And then there's that story of that...

that's going on. Somebody has a civilization game that's a thousand years into the future now. He just lets it play and they're like a deadlock from nuclear war and everything and there is no progression going on right now.

right now. Oh, that's right. You can just run auto. Yeah, you can just let AI, like you can put AI on crazy intelligent difficulties and just let it go. Yeah, and this one, it's a cool story because the dude's he's wrote down in transcript the entire events leading up to where they are now, which is a nuclear wasteland where everyone's at a deadlock of the future. Yes, exactly. So, 2030. I was like, holy shit, this is baller.

I never really played them. You guys, you played Civilization then? I did when I was in high school. I got obsessed with it for like a couple months there. I dabble every year or so. I'll jump back in and I'll play Civ for like a month straight. Like one game on, I can't remember the name of the time setting because there's different time settings where...

something that normally like building the pyramids would take seven turns you can turn up to like so the building pyramids takes like 180 turns like it's like a realistic time scale for how long shit takes it's wild and i'll just put on one of these long games and just go until one of the ais murder me just terribly i always lose i never win

There's no winning civilization because there's multiple win conditions. You have like war, which is the easy one. Kill everyone. But then there's you can get like a diplomatic victory where you start like the UN and you get everybody to join and they elect you the leader and then world peace. And then there's one that's like a cultural victory where you somehow with art and love or something take over the world. And then there's there's the religious winning. Yeah.

And then you're going to have religious victories because they added religion. And then you're just forcing your religion upon the entire world until you take over the world. So, Rome. Yeah, this sounds like different periods of...

Earth. Weird. It's almost like it's called civilization. Different periods of Italy. Renaissance. Let's take over the world and force Christianity on everyone. War. That didn't work. Let's try war. All right. You know what? Fuck it. Let's join the UN. The war thing's not going so great anymore.

Fuck. That was the only RTS that in Sims, as I said. And then, I don't know any... You played the dinosaur one. Yeah, the Jurassic Park one that we were talking about earlier. Operation Genesis. Go in-depth, because I have no... Maybe Cody does. I have no idea what it is. You start with an auto-generated island thing, and you basically have to clear-cut trees, build your...

helicopter pads so people can come in. You have like hot dog stands, bathrooms. It's basically Roller Coaster Tycoon except the roller coasters are velociraptors that you can breed and shoot.

That's what you breed and shoot them? Well, you're not supposed to breed them to shoot them, although, like, you can have, like, an ox ranch situation. Did you start a meat farm? You can have, like, an ox ranch where you breed them. Velociraptor burgers! Bring it down to die. It's like Joe Exotic. Yeah!

I'll never financially recover from this. You know that that would cash flow so much better than... Fuck doing, like, Disneyland with dinosaurs. Are they doing hog hunts? Velociraptors! Breed them so that rich guys pay a million dollars a piece to shoot them. You will bankroll way more than a fucking, like, oh, well, look, I think I can see it through the tree. Nah, we're gonna fly over with a helicopter and an M60. Here's a T-Rex. Here's your thermal sight.

I'd pay to see that movie. Oh, yeah. Facebook would not like those pictures. They don't like what we do already. Endangered species? What would that be called?

An extinct species that... You brought back and murdered and posed with? I mean, is that worse or better? Is it... Okay, straight up. This is the plot to Jurassic World 2. They're like, did extinct dinosaurs we brought have rights? Like, that's literally the plot of the movie. It's the lamest one by far. I loved it. Really? The second one? I'm totally okay with it. Oh, the whole war dinos? Oh, fuck nuclear weapons. I'm paying $2 billion for a velociraptor with a camera on its head. Like, why don't we just use... Oh, my God. I forgot that was...

Yeah, right? Yup. Well, why don't we currently use like tigers and elephants? Because it's the same shit. Yeah, technically. We can do Skynet or hear me out, just dinos that we kind of train with little cameras and they hunt people. I want a pachycephalosaur with medieval armor. We're going to put a mortar on its back. It'll be okay. He just literally wanted a .30-06. That's alive. Oh, there we go. Six billion dollars.

There's a new one. Jurassic Park game where you build your own Jurassic Park. Jurassic World Evolution. Yeah, that came out last year. The new one comes out in two days. Jurassic World Evolution 2. That's why I was talking about this. Was the first one good? Jurassic World Evolution was good. It had some weird issues where they tried to...

make it less fun because games do that now for some reason. But Jurassic World Evolution 2 is getting great reviews already from the early release stuff. So I'm going to make a dinosaur farm. I'm going to play that. We're not going to see Brandon for like the next three weeks. It's like when he first picked up Tarkov. I'm like, Brandon, where have you been? He's like, I'm playing Tarkov. You're not streaming. I'm offline playing video games. Next time I come to brunch, I've got like the fucking amber cane and the straw hat.

My dear Dr. Grant, welcome to Jurassic Park. Why are you doing this? What are you doing? This is the way I talk now. He gets in a helicopter and flies away. Where do you get the money for this? People pay me for dinosaur hearts. What?

I mean, I get in that business really quick. I mean, I absolutely... If anyone out there is bringing back dinosaurs, let us know. We have a wonderful business venue for you. I know that your audience is full of high-end... Smart individuals. ...geneticists. Yeah, definitely billionaires watching this podcast. Maybe...

Elon Musk is like, "Oh, I love that unsubscribe podcast!" "They crack me up!" There's one rich dude who's furious. "They talk about raping Pikachu." "Listen how the poors laugh with their silly uncultured jokes!" "Listen to this table full of millionaires. Isn't that cute?" Wait, you guys are millionaires?

They took everything. I'm just trying to hold on to my dragons. Fuck, dude. That got dark. It's been a good-ass episode so far.

We're almost done, right? I can see the billionaires trying to figure out which Pokemon could rape people better. Yeah, now they're thinking about it. Machamp. I mean, it's got four arms! It makes sense! They're all sitting there like, how do we make a Machamp now? Yeah, this will be good. Epstein. Aw. Machamp didn't kill himself. Aw. Machamp had information on Hillary Clinton.

God damn it. That's a shirt idea. Oh my God, I love this so much. So the new game comes out. November 9th.

Are you getting it? Absolutely. It's got one mode that I'm really excited for. It's like a challenge mode where it puts you in the... It recreates the events from all the Jurassic Park, Jurassic World movies. And you gotta try to prevent all the terrible things that happen. Why? That's cool. That's what made the movie good. It's not a movie. Can you purposefully feed children to the dinosaurs? Right.

How about the annoying little... They can absolutely break out and just eat people. What about the annoying little kids from the first movie? Can we feed them first off, right off the bat?

I mean there is a challenge mode so I'm assuming yeah. They're gonna be in their little ball and you just stick all the T-Rexes on them. They're just stomping them into fucking spaghetti. They're adding all the aquatic dinosaurs too so you remember that one scene? Oh it's jumping out of the water. Yeah and it eats the secretary chick who's getting picked apart by the fucking pterodons or the bird dinosaurs. Pterodactyls. Pterodactyls. Pterodactyls. Pterodactyls. Pterodactyls. Pterodactyls. Pterodactyls. Pterodactyls. Pterodactyls. Pterodactyls. Pterodactyls. Pterodactyls. Pterodactyls. Pterodactyls. Pterodactyls. Pterodactyls. Pterodactyls. Pterodactyls. Pterodactyls. Pterodactyls. Pterodactyls. Pterodactyls. Pterodactyls. Pterodactyls. Pterodactyls. Pterodactyls. Pterodactyls. Pterodactyls. Pterodactyls. Pterodactyls. Pterodactyls. Pterodactyls. Pterodactyls. Pterodactyls. Pterodactyls. Pterodactyls. Pterodactyls. Pterodactyls. Pterodactyls. Pterodactyls. Pterodactyls. Pterodactyls. Pterodactyls. Pterodactyls. Pterodactyls. Pterodactyls. Pterodactyls. Pterodactyls. Pterodactyls. Pterodactyls. Pterodactyl

The McDonald's. The McDonald's birds. You can tell because their wings make an M. That's when I use, when I do, what is it? He's not loving it. What's it when you say it's like spelled Bob and you're like B over the phone. It's like B, uh,

Breakfast. Oscar breakfast. Your phonetic alphabet. I always use, for P's, I use pterodactyl. You're such a dick. I'm like, space, you know? Season, pterodactyl, alpha, Charlie. Go back to the P, I'm like, pterodactyl. Pterodactyl. It's right, Batty. I know it's right. I understand the joke. That's why you're a dick. I'm...

Just, I hate you. That's how in the Marine Corps you call down fire on the wrong people. Oh, no. Totally worth it. That joke was good, though. But he was in this grid. He said, oh, that's a P, not a T. I forgot. There's no war crime if you kill everyone. No war crime if you kill the witnesses. Man, you guys are coming up with some great shirts today.

I just want a shirt that says pterodactyl. It's spelled with a T though. And there's just a picture of a pterodactyl. So everyone would be like, is that? That's not spelled right. I got my cum shirt in. I'm super happy. I should have wore that today. Did you make that? Oh my God. No, I ordered it because I've been wanting it for a while. Somebody made that though that you could just buy? Yeah, you can buy that. Can we all buy cum shirts? Oh yeah, I saw your cum shirt. Yeah. And the shirt that has cum written on it as well. Yes. Oh yeah, both of them. Oh no. Oh no.

This is coming to do fine. It's the most powerful thing ever. It looks like doom if you first glance. Yeah, for everybody who doesn't know what we're talking about, Eli has a shirt that's got the doom title. I would have been fine with like the shirt. But it doesn't say doom. It says C-U-M. I would have been fine with it just saying coom. Coom. I'm a coomer. He's a coomer. Wait, let's make that. All right. Yeah. Unsubscribe coom. Yeah.

Go buy our Coombe shirt. What the fuck is these shirts they're making? Can we not call it a shirt? Can we call it a rag though? So it's a Coombe rag. Guys, go buy our Coombe rags. No one's ever marketed that one shirt like when you're done in bed and you're looking for a shirt. It's like, that's the shirt. It's called the ShamWow.

Watch this, you clean up the gloops there and you're just like... And it flies off. Use it as a projectile. Snap! Come on! Are you tired of looking like this? Wipe it up and gloop it anywhere you want. Gloop it? Gloop it?

That's the word for cum flying through the air. Gloop. You just gloop it. You guys talk about video games here, right? Remember Jurassic Park? We start there. You goop up the dino coon. And that's how dinosaurs are made. And that little Jimmy is how dinosaurs are made. I just got the worst picture. They gotta artificially inseminate him.

It's like hard to... Shit, I missed. They drive the motorcycles by them. They're just like... I don't want to get close to a T-Rex. Gloop rag! Gloop rag! You gotta yell gloop rag. On a motorcycle, it's just... Like lightning bolt. Gloop rag! Gloop rag! Okay, now I want a shirt that just says gloop rag. You have the T-Rex. You're like... A pink blush mic? This is...

T-Rex. You fucking would. You fucking would. Can I make T-Rex? Yeah. Well, we just ruined Jurassic Park. There we go. And that's what the new game is about in two days. Go check out Jurassic Park. Jurassic World Evolution 2.

What do we do now? So many worse jokes that I can't make. I don't know how we're ever going to financially recover from this. I mean, you're not. Oh, the people who listen to this aren't going to know. The room's empty. I moved. The room's just empty. I don't know if we ever said that. There's like Sarah McLoughlin. For one click a day, you can get Batty's D&D figurines back. And the old stranger...

Oh my god. Okay, well that was the first. You want to go more into RTS? No, you ruined it. You ruined it. It's fine.

I don't want to talk about video games anymore. I'm over it. I'm done. This podcast is about cum and dinosaurs now. I fucking hate all of you. I'm so mad. You were so excited about dinosaurs. I was so excited! This is what happens. I get excited about a game, Eli ruins it, then I look at Donut for support and he's just like, nah man, this is you. I'm just like, I mean, cum is funny, I don't know what to tell you.

We're gonna have to make a shirt that says cum or something like... So it's gonna be an awkward conversation at Bunker Branding. So we know you have paid graphic designers. We need a cum shirt. Excuse me? A lot of cum. We got a cum shirt. Cum rag? The glue...

Gloop, cum, or coom. Let us know in the comments which ones you like better. That was so close to a spit take you have no idea.

Oh, Cody, you got a new tattoo. I did. We can talk about that for like five minutes. Cowboy Bebop. I got Spike Spiegel. Spike Spiegel. I'm going to do the whole arm in Cowboy Bebop. You're doing the whole arm in Cowboy Bebop? Because I'm going to get, I got Spike here. I'm going to get vicious on this side. Oh, yes. And then just go up with maybe some of their shit. Where's Faye's titties going to be? Because if you don't get Faye Valentine's titties on your arm, I am never going to talk to you again. You mean the real Faye, not the Faye that they're doing on the show? We don't talk about this. Stop it. Not frumpy Faye? She's not even wearing the

the vagina onesie man like we gotta see that moose knuckle that famous famous famous knuckle i thought of moose knuckles with dudes no it's a camel tail it's camel toes and camel tails and a moose knuckle no camel tail i thought it was just a big just a just a big hole yeah that's what i'm on with you no you have camel you have camel toes and you have camel tails

I've never heard camel tails, that's awesome. Yeah, that makes sense. It's very intuitive. It's exactly what you think it is! It's a camel toe and then a camel tail! It's a cock. It's a dick. Yeah, it makes sense. It's a register, finally. Oh! Dude, dude, it's called Nice Cock. Hey, Jason. Hey, man. Nice cock. Nice cock. Nice cock. This will be a dope-ass sleeve, though, when you get it done. Now we're all anime...

You got an anime leg. You have zero tattoos in general. Virgin skin. Guys, leave. I have a tattoo machine in the garage. Oh, we were going to do that for a podcast. I forgot about that. We were going to tattoo each other. Thank God we had Will here to save us from that disaster. Any tattoo that starts with breaking a big ballpoint, I'm out. It's an actual machine. It's pink.

Oh, yeah. If you can go on the real Brandon Herrera and tell him he needs a frog tattoo. Thank you. To join the company, we would appreciate that because he doesn't want to get one. Pussy. Because he says, I'm not getting no frog tattoo.

For my first tattoo. As a tattoo in general, I'm like, eh. First tattoo, it's like, oh yeah, no. Dude, the frog holding up. Especially on the ribs. Dude, holding up an AK like Wolverine style. We did it on the podcast. Like we were like being recorded. It's not that bad. But you were drunk. No, I wasn't. Stone cold's over. Why were you not drunk? You can if you want to get drunk. We make terrible decisions. What do you mean why?

Have you not listened to the last 30 minutes of what we've been talking about? Oh, I've been here for it, unfortunately. I know. I'm a part of this. I'm a participant. It's like I'm never coming back to this crack house podcast again. Doesn't look like a crack house. Cody, how many doors like that have you kicked down? What?

What does that door mean? The answer is more than one. Oh, no. I don't know exactly how much force I need to get into your bedroom right now. None, because the door will be open for you. Not if you ask nicely, yeah. Koum. Oh, my God. Wait for one of you to be giving like a serious speech somewhere or something. Be like front rowing.

You guys were like, Glooprag! He glooped me. Bad Brandon! Not just a lot of cum. Shit!

I just meant the gesture, not "cum." Oh, you're not actually gonna throw cum at us? I thought I was just gonna do this gesture, the "whoosh." I thought you were actually shooting cum at us. No, I'm not gonna shoot cum at you. I mean, unless you want me to, I can. Only consensual "cuming" from Brandon here. What a little scamp, that Brandon. He got me! I'm speaking at my brother's funeral and, "up, cum in the face."

Please do that at my funeral to one or the other. I'll do it to your casket. That's funny. You think he's going to be alive after you? That's fair. True. You got a dog. You're asking for it now. Oh, yeah, that's true. Well, no. Yeah, she's going to die. Oh, no. Wait. Are you going to coom on your dog? No. Why do you coom on your dog, man? What?

This is not how I expected my day to go. Brandon's coom rag is his dog. Like, reaching for the rag. Oh, princess dump truck. No wonder she doesn't like to be held. Call her little dumpy. Princess cum truck. Your cat's crunchy. It's like...

The pages are stuck together on your cat. Ow, my jaw. The laughing. Cat walking around with stiff arms. The cat bent its fucking little elbows and knees.

There's no way we're gaining viewership after this episode. What'd you guys do today? We laughed for 45 minutes. After the Comcast. Okay. Video games are cool. Have you heard of them? Every time I come on you guys' podcast, you're just like, oh, yep, well, this is the last one we ever do. Because every time we're like, this is it. You know, like a cat has nine lives. We have 29. Okay.

Every episode we're like, "Crossing out a new life!" Apparently yours has thousands of lives on it. Too far? Oh, this might be my favorite episode now. Good luck, Fluck. I keep trying and it's not doing anything. Why aren't there more princess dump trucks? Matty, that's not how it works!

She needs a friend. I sorely misunderstood sex ed. It don't feel so good, Mr. Stark. And science. Oh my god. So, Eli? I don't know. I just fucking end it. We hit gold. No, we gotta do the squid game thing. The squid game thing. Okay. So, everyone's watched... Serious face. Everyone's watched squid games.

I think. Not Donut, but the costume. Not Donut Squid Game. Yeah, the...

The Korean show. Is it Korean? Yeah. South Korean, I think. North Korean. That seems North Korean. We tell from the games they play. South Korea, I think. Compared to you had a 50-50 shot and it was releasing on Netflix. There were a couple of fat guys in the show, so it can't be North Korea. Those were the leaders. Oh, no. So...

What we discussed today was actually, it's like, okay, the games are, spoilers, fucking turn this skip forward or something. Just listen to it, fuck you. It's been like a month. That's like 10 years of internet time. It's a good bit. It's a good bit. They play Stop, Red Light, Green Light. Yep. They play... The Licky Lick Game. Licky Lick Game. Where they have those like... The scratchy cookies. Honeycomb. Yeah, Honeycomb Lick Game.

Well, he's the only one that started licking it, though. Yeah. But they have the little... A needle. A needle, yeah. And they gotta carve the shape out without breaking the shape. Oh, it's like sugar, right? It's like caramelized sugar or something? Yeah, it's like honey. Yeah. Something. Pancakes. Sure. Crepes. And then there's the jumpy game on the... Well, first before the jumpy game. Tug of War. Tug of War. Tug of War was brutal. Yeah. I would...

Oh, marbles. Yeah. Marbles. Holy shit. Marbles. Like all that, all the character development, all that. Everyone died. The husband, wife. Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah. That's bad. Yeah. And he, didn't he hang himself? Yeah, I think so. Spoilers. We are,

We already warned him. Yeah, yeah. And then... Everyone dies. The glass one was the one I was like, fuck that. Okay, I'm not gonna... I didn't... I fell asleep during that one. I missed that entire section. Yeah, I've seen... Did you see the layout of it, though? Okay. I've seen all the spoilers, but I just didn't go back and rewatch that one. Bro, and they like... They died kind of instantly, but they're like...

Like dying on the ground. - Like when they were collecting them up later, there was like a couple still alive. - Yeah. - Twitching and shit. - Yeah, 'cause you're falling like, you're not falling from a fucking airplane. You're falling from like an uncomfortable distance where you're shattering everything. - It's like you're hurting real bad. - It was like 80 feet. So like, pretty good chance you die immediately, but also pretty good chance. - You don't. - And because you're trying to land on your feet. So you're not like rotating to like kill yourself. - It's like, fuck that. - Better throw my, like each time you're like,

Imagine like

On the pain and falling forward off of it. Just flipping onto it. Just keep sliding. The reason people watch you. Is he stupid? But yeah, that one was the fucking brutal one to me. I was like, fuck that. And then it was kill each other. Yeah. Or the squid game was like the final one. Yeah. Where they just murder. What would you consider the dinner game? Yeah.

was it remember when they're at the dinner well no they were just eating and then they had knives and it was like with you can kill each other if you fall asleep and then no one yeah well one did well yeah yeah and it was the squid game where it's like they call that game it was really just murder each other well it's my favorite game yeah here's two murder fun like okay cool what games would you come up with if you had to like if each person had one because we got four people

Mm-hmm. How'd it go? Why do I gotta go first? Because. Thumb Wars. How many rounds? Is it like a one time and you're dead? No, best out of three I think is fair. Oh man, the nerves of that person. Dude, that's so funny. Dude, that's it. Just like,

Cuz you gotta say the thing you have to one two three four and you got sweaty hands and shit got thumb wars Oh my god, Mario Party would be a great one. You have to play Mario Party with people

Jesus. Mario Party already is violent. Not the Switch one, though. No, no, like N64. Yeah, it cheats for you and anyone can win at the end because it's randomly like, you get five stars for just playing. No, no, we're talking OG, like Mario Party 1 or 2 where Nintendo 64 and Mario Party. Yes, Nintendo 64. Where your palm was bleeding because you were doing this. Oh, God, this is my favorite game. Yes. The Bowser spin thing or whatever. Oh, my God. Brandon. Yes. What would be your game? Yeah.

We were talking about paintball. I think paintball, but with real guns, so combat.

Although I think it would be hilarious with a bunch of just people off the street who've never fired a gun before. It's like, Oh, I'm good at this game. I can do this. You don't even tell them how to load the AR. Oh, that's good. Have it on safety. No magazine. Yeah. They have mags on their vest. Are the rounds in the mag already though? Yes. What if they get what? No. Okay. But come on. Pocket full of bullets.

Mags. He's like, 7.62 round, 300 blackout, 5.56 gun though. You got a guy next to you who's loading mags. You just load one in the chamber, pop him in the head, take his mag. You're like, oh, okay, this works really good. God, that... What would be the environment though? Yeah, how do you stop it at the end? Because now you have people with guns in the game where you control them with guns. You gas them just like they did everyone else. That's true. Fantastic.

Fair. Oh, I think it is hilarious. Like they have to play paintball. If they get shot, then they just get shot. It's a red pellet. Why not? Just give them guns at this point or dodgeball.

Oh, dodgeball! See, that's a good like... With those shitty foam dodgeballs you had when you were in the gym one, gym class, yeah. Not like when we were kids, when we had the rubber ones that you could... I had a mixture. It was, we either had the rubber ones or those shitty foam ones that you could throw and they'd just be like, like hardcore, right? Like just go flying. I love the red with the texture. Yeah, the sound that they make when they hit flesh. Like an echo and you'd be like...

Katie got fucking whacked, yo. Her nose is bleeding. You're a bitch. By the time I was in middle school, too many fat kids have gotten bullied that way, so they swapped them out for the foamies. Yeah. That was in the transitional period. They swapped them out or something like that. Because there was always those one or two kids that would just run right to the face. And that noise, dude. It's the sound. The sound of those rubber balls hitting flesh is...

Perfect. Do you ever play Top Gun on the Nintendo, the original Nintendo? Nope. Oh, yeah, trying to land it? Yeah, you have to land on the aircraft carrier. So everyone dies. But you have to use the power glove. So everyone definitely dies. I feel like one's got to be video game related. Like the worst video game. Like Frogger. No, Pong would be a good one where it's just like... Two people. Pong.

Just a single joystick you have to use. It needs to be a giant like... Oh, God. A giant Dave and Buster's version of like whatever the game is. So intense. The lights, the kids running around like... Knowing you and you're like... Oh, God. Actual just kids running around while people are getting capped left and right. Then the screaming gets worse and it's more stressful. God. What about like a claw game? Like, you know the... Oh, no.

Like, speaking of Damon Buster's, like, the vending machine claw things. It's just got a bunch of, like, stuffed animals, but one on there has, like, you live. You gotta grab the ball with the you live. Oh, jeez. Or you just go, like... I got a stuffed animal! Bang! Or you get really depressed and just go for the you die one. Yay, I win. God, that... Oh, man.

I'm trying to think of like good school games that we played growing up. What was the one with the thing? It had like the big, the tarp umbrella. You had like, I would just do it. I would just make that competitive. Yeah. Oh yeah. The people left outside the parachute just decapped automatically. I forgot. Did you ever play that? Goose dude. I would do something like heads up, seven up. I'd be like,

How do you play heads up? I don't even remember the rules for that. All right, heads down, thumb up your butt. I don't know. What is it? What was head? Where did you go to school? Catholic school. Oh, yeah. Makes sense. Yeah, see, we came back around to the Jesus thing. How was it? You put your head down, and somebody would tap your thumb or something, and there was one person.

Keep the conversation going. I'm going to look up how to play Heads Up 7-Up. Did you know who the... Heads... I don't know how to play Heads Up 7-Up anymore. Why was it called Heads Up 7-Up? Because... I feel like it's really shitty like elementary school's Secret Hitler. Was that it?

Okay, seven students stand in front of the class. The rest of the students put their heads on their desk. The seven then move about and each touches a student. Once touched, a student sticks his or her hands up. Then seven say, heads up, seven up. The students who were touched then get a chance to guess which of the seven touched...

Each of them. This is sounding worse and worse. This is what the kids... Adults should not play this game. The kids close their eyes and get touched, and then they have to guess which one of the adults touched them. Yeah. Welcome back to Kitty Diddles podcast. Kitty Diddles. Grape and Giddles. Grape, Giddles, Diddles. God damn it, man. Maybe I want to pick that one. I pick like Croquet.

That was a 180? Yeah. You don't see it coming. You walk up. You're like stressed out. I'm like, okay, well, you got to play your coke cray.

It takes two hours. No one's having a fun time. They've got the cart girls too selling you drinks and shit while you do it. I'm like, well fuck her ass. I'm going to lose anyways. Okay, this is the game. I can't think of anything else. Oh god, you get slammed doing that. You win somehow and the next game is a balancing game? Shit.

You're on the glass panels. You just missed. Good comedy beats right there. So there's your comment. This is what we need you to put in the comments. What would be your game?

That you would play for the Squid Game. Like, what shitty fucked up game would you choose? So you do the engagement plug at the end of the podcast. Well, normally, look, put this at the beginning. Don't do that. I asked a question at the beginning. Did you? Yeah. I wasn't listening. It's your podcast. You wonder why. You're a drunk. Selling his D&D figures.

Because he puts his plug at the end. What do you want me to say? I wanted to start with this. I wanted to start with this. Two hours later. I wanted to start with this bit and you're like, no. Let's talk about your shitty dinosaur game. Which turned into gold. A T-Rex. A new T-shirt of just a T-Rex. With the pink. And the motorcycles beating off in the background.

"Unsubscribe!" He's got a rag in his hand, he's driving off. Just a little motorcycle guy. Yeah, just a little rag in hand. See, Batty? That's why we started with that, because it was comedy gold. I can't show this to my family. My father watches this. He's so proud of you for it. No, he's not. He just makes fun of me. You and all your... Never mind, I can't say that word. Oh no.

You and all your laggy friends doing your stupid show again. You and your husbands. It's like that one, oh yes, figureheads. Oh my god. This is comedy gold. Do we have any other time? No, we need to go. We need to end this right now.

This isn't safe anymore. Cody, you want to sign? Is it hot in here? Brandon, you want to sign us off? Absolutely. Is there anything that you guys particularly do to sign off? Or is it just like fucking goodbye? Where do we find you at? Oh, you can find me on YouTube at my name. We'll put that somewhere here. Very cool. Yes.

People are just like, my name? It's not popping up. My name, yeah, Brandon Herrera. That's our audience, though, so... Be very specific. None of them are going to be making dinosaurs for us anytime soon. I'm going to show them I'm making dinosaurs right now. All of you fucking suck, except the geneticists that want to talk to us about that. I just got this email from Elon Musk at...

Oh, man. Well, I was going to invest, but then you said we fucking suck. Yeah. You said we wanted my champ to rape. No, you're a man. It was a joke, you are. Satire. All right, everyone.

You can find us all at weird places. Eli. Batty. I'm told not to. Thank you for watching the unsubscribe podcast. Thank you for watching. Listening. We got fucking donut operator Batty streams. Batty streams. Are we all going to do a sign off? I guess. We got a real brain Carrera. A princess cum truck. Batty's cum rack. Thank you. Have a good night. I'm going to throw up.

That's how it ends. I'm gonna throw up. The other ones are still on. Can you put your teeth in there? What the fuck? I can't do it. That hurts. I don't want to watch my friends do this. Brandon. No, I can't. I was gonna try.