22 - S.H.A.R.Ps 56:12

That was good. Three, two... Welcome to the Cold Ones podcast. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. How'd he do it? Legally. It's been so long. It's been a week. Don't... Oh, no, he's been gone. Because Cody wasn't here. Yeah. Three, four weeks. It's been a long time. Was it four weeks? Without you, my friend. You were...

I mean, you were gone for two weeks? Yeah, I was gone for two weeks. Oh, that was the longest two. We realized that you are the glue that holds our relationships together for breakfast. The cum that holds us three men together. During sex, yes. The cum that holds our sex together. I don't like that anymore. That's what you gotta tell Milton.

Your partner. Yeah. You're the cum that holds the sex together. Really let them know you love them. You're that stick on my back. The towel I have to grab. I hate it. Oh, my God. Batty, what's it mean when it just goes red, red? Red, red? What do you mean red, red? It's like, watch when we do that. Don't do that. What was that? What does that mean? It's when you laugh. Don't do it. What does that mean? Do we need to test that? No!

What is that? What was that? Don't hit the... Stop hitting the table. Well, now it's not doing it. Okay, I just... When you hit the table, it breaks everything. Stop hitting the table. Is that how your audio broke last time? You know, I mean, maybe. Oh, yeah. Didn't you get too loud? Last podcast, guys. Hi, you can hear me. Actually, they could hear me last time, too, because it was picking up through Caleb's mic next to me because I'm so fucking loud.

It worked out, right? So yeah, last time I smacked the table seven seconds in. Like when we did our audio test, it was fine. Then I hit record for the second time and you hear us great and you hear the clap and then we hit the table. My mic cuts.

So I'm assuming when I was setting up all the mics and dragging shit, I just, my cable was loose and then I hit the table and it just came out. That makes me so nervous. I'm just going to watch the bar the entire time. I keep looking over at it. Like, am I talking? I'm talking. Okay. I'm good. This is like fucking 21 episodes and we're still like episode one problems. It's like unsubscribe. Oh, there's no mic on this episode. Right.

We're doing this. Did you guys scrap the last one? No, it's still up. You can hear me through another way. I'm just real quiet. We have quality control on this podcast. How many episodes are we in? This is 22. This is 22. We're going to do push-ups after this. We're going to save our friends. Sorry, sorry, not friends. We call those ones. That's the only way to do it. Call your friends. Don't do fucking push-ups. All right.

Invite them to hang out. Makes it look way better than doing push-ups. I mean, I'm not going to do push-ups today for my bro. Fuck you. Man, Batty's not really depressed today. Let's do a push-up. One, two, three. That'll do it. I'll hold him over until brunch. Yeah, your glistening pecs make me feel so much better about life, bro. Thanks. Fuck, man. This is how we're starting. Welcome back, Donut. Well, hello, Donut.

I went on a road trip. How was that? It was cool, man. Would you go on a road trip in, though? The Hellcat. It was fun. Record timing getting across the border. It's weird. I have no idea how I didn't get pulled over the entire time. Because you were legally driving the speed limit the entire time. Legally driving if it was 110. It's a joke.

It's a joke. It's a joke. It wasn't a joke, but it's a joke. He made it to South Carolina, North Carolina in six hours. It was so weird. It's faster than a flight. How'd he do it? Legally, that sounds. I just picked on you. How do you do it? What do you know? 747 flying in the air. You're next to him. No wings. It's just your hookup. That's fantastic.

Windows down. I think that in Fast and Furious. Dom's in your passenger seat like family. You don't need gravity. I'm still not sick of the Dom family memes. I'm not. I keep seeing more and more and I'm just like, I'm happy that whole thing transpired. Whoever started that meme. There was a one person that started that.

Imagine being that guy and you know that's like some basement-dwelling neckbeard son of a bitch who's gonna be like "I started this, mean guy." And nobody's gonna believe it. None of his friends. He's gonna brag on fucking 4chan or Tumblr. This was my doing. I was the one that started this. That's a good D&D voice. Why can't you do that? This one? That's so much- anything's better than your redneck fuck.

It's not going to happen. The second it goes back, I'd be like, I could choose this voice or this voice. Or I could do this voice and I'm a dark elf. Oh, no. I'm pissed, guys. I need a hit on the barmaid and I roll a three. God damn it, Eli. I hate it so much. I like it better than the other one, though.

So, speaking of D&D things, it's gonna be starting soon. Like, I'm planning. I got, Darnell's gonna be in, Caleb, Lori, and I think at this point I'm gonna grab you two and we're just gonna, this is gonna be like a little offline just for me to get my mojo back and then. I would love to do that. That would be amazing. That sounds so funny. I can't wait to get Caleb into D&D. I do, he's so excited. He's been texting me all the time and I'm like, I can't wait, Caleb, because he's, Caleb's a nerd nerd. It's great. Oh, yeah.

It's going to be good. It's going to be dumb. And also D&D things. Eli, I've got to show you something real quick. Okay, so just stay right there. Eli, I've got to get something. Okay, we'll fill in the air. Batty's going. Okay, Batty's left the room. Batty stumbling around. He's stumbling. He's only had one. Okay, he's entering the room naked. That's his penis in his hand. Yeah. Wow. Okay, I see why Lori's here. It's a roll of dimes. It's a roll of dimes. Oh, my God. What?

Yeah, that's what I thought. Fuck you. I don't know what that is. Is this Icy Death? Yeah. And then you have Twinkle? Yeah. What are those, Eli? Describe those to everybody listening. Icy Death and Twinkle! What are Icy Death and Twinkle? And don't say your pet names for me and Donut. I do. I like to handle Twinkle. This is Batty's and Donut's penis name I gave them.

Baddie has icy death. Icy dough is twinkle. And donuts is twinkle. Because that's what happens to my eyes when I see it. Dude, this is Drift Durden's Swords.

His dual sword. So he's a scimitar. He got this one from fighting Icy Death. Wait, this is Icy Death, right? Yeah. Yeah. He got this one from fighting the dragon, Icy Death, in the Ice One Dell trilogy, the original book, when they killed it with him and Wolfgar. They killed this fucker. Why do I know this? A dragon. This is how he got this. This makes him immune to fire or very resistant to fire. Yeah. So when he fights the... He fights a few demons from...

and they didn't have the power they did because he had this. He didn't realize the sword had that power. And then this is Twinkle. This one lights up. On fire, I believe. Or no, it glows, right? It glows. Yes, it has a glow effect. And surprisingly enough, later in the book series, like book 28, this one gets an upgrade to something. I forget what happens. Both of his swords get an upgrade because they get Girdlegam.

The Dwarven home, the original OG home. They get that and it has the magic forge. And then Bruner reforges the swords. These are fucking dope. Who made these? Where did you get these from? We were walking in the mall the other day and there was a ThinkGeek store that was closing. They were going out of business. And those were in there. I was like, I'm going to buy those. But that space, see the space we cleared on the wall? Yeah, so nobody here can actually see, but there's a space on the wall where they're going to be hanging. You need like Angus Fang.

That's the big one, right? Angus Fang is not Brunner. Wolfgar's hammer. Yeah. He throws in and comes back to us. Like it fucking magically teleports back.

And then Brunner's axe is the... Doesn't it have the axe of dwarven lords? Doesn't it translate over to the axe of dwarves? Yeah, Milnejor. Milnear? That's a hammer. No, uh... Fuck, what is... I don't... You know this stuff. You know the Forgotten Realms stuff. I know. I know some of it. I gotta fucking remember it. I'm like, oh, God. All that shit's like... Don't worry. I have something for you after, too. Are you giving him my... Will you just put this on?

What is it? That's Golden Star from Tarkov. Golden Star. That's an actual Golden Star. Wait, that's a Tarkov Golden Star. Yeah, that's the actual. I just want to see you open this. It's that small? Yeah, it's actually that small. I thought it was like a yo-yo size. Yeah. Tarkov was wrong. So Golden Star is like a lip balm. No, no, no, no. There's Vaseline in Tarkov, but then there's the Golden Star. He's like...

I'm trying to open it. It's really small. It's actually that big. Have you opened it yet? Yeah. I used it yesterday. Is this the one that cures headaches? Yeah, you gotta try to figure out how to fucking open it. See? It's actually difficult. This is what cures headaches, AIDS, everything, right? But it gives you radiation. Oh, you got it open? Nice. That smells lovely. Are you sure it's a bomb? You can see where I used it. I know. Laura, what is it? It's like cinnamon...

Oh, it's everything clothes and then, eh. Dude. Oh my God. It smells like. Vicks. No, it smells like when you go to, oh, who, who makes the cards? Those, uh, your holiday cards. Who makes a Hallmark? When you walk into like the Hallmark or the old people store with like candles and cards and cinnamon. Look, just rub it on. I think of like Hallmark or those like shops. Okay. Don't put it. Stop. That's too. That's enough. Stop it. It's too much. My lips feel funny now. Look, it's Hallmark. Smell it.

It's an old people shop. So for everyone wondering, don't just put the Golden Star on his lips. Brandon will have something to say about this. It's going to make your face all numb. Well, you know, it's fine. You just said do it. Of course I did. I want it for the podcast. It's content. It also is laced with DMT. So have fun and find it. It's just going to make your lips all tingly. It's super tingly. That's not lip balm, is it? Well, it's like kind of lip balm. What's kind of lip balm? You're supposed to put it above your neck.

What's this supposed to do? Can you ingest this? Are you sure? Brandon did this too. It's okay. He's still alive. Is he? Yeah. Well, we saw him yesterday. Did we? He was kind of mumbling stuff. I thought he was drunk. I want to get this out of the way early so we'd have the whole podcast to watch what happens. I don't know. I don't know. So...

Burns a little bit. He's confused right now. Oh, man. To be fair, I wanted to do it to Eli, but you just felt like an easier target. Wow, that's nice. Haven't seen you in three weeks, Cody. Yeah, here you go, buddy. We love you. Put this shit that hasn't been approved by the FDA on your fucking mouth. Yeah, is it burning? Great. Speaking of burning, Blizzard and Activision. There, that's the transition.

Now we have a good transition into the next show. It's perfect. How did you open this, dude? What if you got it on your pee-pee? Don't! I know I'm going to have to wash my hands really good. Don't touch your dick later. I mean, okay, just wash your hands like twice. How did you open this? Why is my penis glowing? And I had to go like around. Oh my god. That is miserable. In solidarity, Batty is putting the gold star on. You boys not. I'll smell it. Just kiss it.

God, that smells like Hallmark. Makes me miss Christmas. I know. Oh, wow. Wow, my eyes are watering from just smelling it. That is strong. That is a potent potable. On my lips. Well, if unsubscribed is just me next week, I don't know why. Me and Donut have lip cancer. Your lips are gone. You're just fucking like, hey, Chris B. These guys look terrible now.

Eli wearing a black suit. Well, welcome to unsubscribe. One clap. One quiet clap. Man, you should have done more push-ups, Eli. Golden star, everyone. If Eli did 22 push-ups, I wouldn't have put that on my mouth. I can smell that on your guys' lips right now. No, I'm good.

Wait, is this what I have to do to get you to stop kissing me? Yeah. That's the fastest way. I'm going to tell Chocolate to put this on his lips. When you're around Eli, wear this. Hey, Chocolate, this will do the trick. Eli's kryptonite. Yeah. He runs from that shit. Put this on your lips and your penis. Dude, I'm trying to, like, how would that? Ow. I've gotten pepper spray on my dick before, so it'd probably be all in the same lines.

Well, they tell you, like, the first time you get pepper sprayed to lean over in the shower that night. So, like, the water comes off. Oh, so it doesn't... But I was like, oh, I just got out of the shower like normal and forgot what they said. And so the pepper spray went from my face down to my dick. Well, that was the second time I got pepper spray on my dick, right? The first time I got pepper sprayed, I got it on my hands and just went to the bathroom and touched it. And that sucked really bad. What...

Yeah. Oh, honey. Dude. It was gnarly. The first time I got pepper sprayed, I got my nose broke. It was really cool. Wait, what? I don't know any of this story. I've never told you guys any of this? No. This is a brand new story, Tom. I was going to transition to Blizzard, but please continue with this. I mean, we'll transition him hurting himself into Blizzard, too. I got raped, too. No, we're doing this quick.

And that was the moment. I think that was the moment. We got canceled. Right at that moment. It came out. Security forces training and there's this big dude in

in the red suit and like you're pepper sprayed while you're going through the course and you got a baton and this dude said, whatever you do, don't hit my right knee. I just had surgery. I can't see and I crow hop and like hit him in the right knee and he's like six, five, 250 pounds and he just goes boom and he breaks my nose while I'm pepper sprayed and then I stumble off and I have to pee and I touch my dick. So my nose is broken, I'm pepper sprayed and my dick is on fire.

Yay, military. Oh, my God. That sounds like... Oh, my God. Don't hit my right knee. Why would you put that dude in the combat line? It's like, hey. I don't know. My knee just got surgery. Okay, well, you're up to fight people. This should be fine. Yeah. That was fine. That sounds terrible. It was the worst day of my life, probably. I got a picture. What was that for? It was auxiliary security forces in Norfolk. It was just like police gate standing type shit.

And that was in the military? Yeah, that was in Norfolk Navy. No shit. We did like, we had, our basics was like you had the baton thing where you fight with the little, the pugil sticks. There it is, yeah, yeah, yeah. And they put me against the smallest kid ever for whatever reason. Because I'm like, but this kid was like a buck 18. And Joel Sarnes didn't know I like fought or anything. They were like, oh, Eli, you can fight him. Guider, I think his name was like. You fought back then too?

I've been fighting since I was 12. Oh, was it because you're poor and you had to fight on the streets for a box? I'm in a box and this is going to be my chance to get above poverty. I'll fight for my life. That should be a movie. Wait. Wait. There's probably a bunch of those. So they send little Guider. They're like, go. And Guider's like, and he runs at me. I sidestep and I'm like,

wham he's like and then I just wind up and fucking like uppercut him he's like like starfish flies in the air and lands on his back wind knocked out of him and I'm like go to hit him again and Jules was like stop what the fuck Quavis and I was like what and they're like who pissed in your cheerios today I was like you said fight him and everyone's just like

okay just like combative school like combative school they were like okay we had a uh rolling and shrimping and all that stuff and they're like okay we're gonna you guys are gonna wrestle the instructors i tapped out all the instructors i was like okay like what's next like huh okay well we're like fuck with you after that

No. Oh, man. I got fucked with in combatives real bad. Really? Real bad. Because I'm a bigger... I was... I was a small guy that would tap the instructors out. So they're like... The issue is we were doing all the blood chokes, whatever the fuck it is, where they cut off the blood pressure. It just wouldn't... They couldn't... Nobody could get to work. So they used me as the example for all the instructors. And I just got... I got knocked out like seven fucking times in a row by each instructor. No, this is how you do it. I'm like...

No, okay, next target. No, I'm like, but this is how you do it. And it just went down the line because we went through like five partners. You know how they just roll you with different people in your class and not one person could tap me out with that shit. I was just like laughing at him being an asshole. I was like, hey, I'm going, you can't get me. Well, the big guys got me after real good. They just started air choking me, not even doing neck shit. Just like, well,

That's weird. He's not moving anymore. Not laughing anymore, are you? Yeah, for the test for level one, they box you and you can't hit them and you have to get behind them. You have to tangle them up real quick. Super easy. But one of the dude's

I forget his name. It was one of the dudes that not many people liked, and he showed up late to class, and then the instructors did not like him. They beat the fuck out of him. Like, there was, like, the people, like, the kids, like, slide behind you and, like, wrap you up. They would, like, hit you a couple times, and you'd do it. They just... The dude was, like... I remember it started, and the dude, like...

It's like, boom, boom, boom. And his face is starting to swell. The dude does a Superman punch to his face. I was like, oh, they're just beating the shit out of him right now. I don't give a fuck what's going on. It was like that in the grenade range. The only hands-on shit they could really do. Boy, they did. My buddy Cam, he got a medal for saving. He went to drill. He was a drill instructor and they got a medal for saving kids. A female went to throw a grenade.

fell in the hole with him. He's like, yeets them out of the hole and then he jumps out of it. Yeah. Jesus. It's like that one video where, have you seen the one where the drill sergeant like trips the dude and pushes him on the ground and breaks his arm? He's like, because they're practicing throwing and he's like trying to instruct him how to do it and he fucks up and so the instructor just sweeps his legs and throws him on the ground. Yeah.

I've seen a lot where fucking people go to throw their grenades and then they'll just stare there and try to watch it. And they're like, what are you... They just fucking leg behind the... Yeah. Foot behind the... Good. Just slap them down. People don't realize how heavy. I remember it's like... Yeah, they're heavy as fuck. You have to throw this like 20 yards and be like... It's not a baseball. You gotta like shot put the motherfucker. Yeah, it's like 20 yards. How hard is that? And you're like... That's like five. It's like...

You're like, oh, this is really difficult to throw. Oh, that's real heavy. This is meaty. And those are the little metal pieces that Kentucky Ballistics, yeah. Yeah, real quick. Not good.

Okay, now to Blizzard. Yeah, after we talk about grenades blowing up. Yeah. So I didn't know much of this story. You're the one that's more insightful on... Apparently over at Activision Blizzard, I don't know if it's more Blizzard or Activision. I feel like it's more Blizzard. But I might be wrong. Apparently they're just out there raping. Pillaging? Raping and pillaging. I'm getting a glare. I'm getting a look.

We know that's not acceptable anymore, okay? We'll call it graping from now on, then. So they were graping. Just real quick, like, just don't rape people. Yeah. Like, maybe. Maybe. There's your sharps training. Don't rape your buddies. Yeah.

Here's your PowerPoint for the weekend. Don't. Sharps. Yeah, exactly. This is just sharps. This is your safety brief. Here's your safety brief. If you go on a work trip, I guess don't bring butt plugs and expect other employees to wear them. That's a little rude. Or do.

This is... Sharps! Oh, that's why I like the sharps. Sharps, Cody! This is learning. Now he knows. This is definitely something that would happen in, like, the nerd community that have power to, like, always want to be butt-plugged and make the girls wear them.

Black Rifle would never have this problem where they're like, what the fuck is wrong with you? Like, what the fuck? Why would you do any of this stuff? Get brought out to the alley behind the dumpster and get beat. What were you thinking, Brad? But yeah, man, apparently there were a bunch of employees and management positions were just like passing around chicks and nudes and shit that worked there or going to their cubicles and shit and harassing them when they're on trips and stuff. It's a lot of really bad...

And then the big thing that I think it was just today that they released was like a year back, another employee was caught setting up cameras to look in women's bathrooms to look in chicks as they're pissing and shitting because we all love that. Hell yeah. Dude, watching those fucking turd cutters go to work. What the fuck?

I don't know what it is about the phrase turd cutter. I just fucking hate it so goddamn much. Man, girl, what's that turd cutter do? What's that butt do? Jesus. Oh, man, fuck. You must hold a lot of poop in that.

That ass is huge. There must be a lot of poop in it. You could fill up a whole toilet, girl. Did you guys talk with Caleb about that? Yeah, we were. That was in the group chat, remember? It was just talking about Caleb. The worst ways to talk. The worst pickup lines. Yeah, the worst pickup lines. You want to go to the chicken bar? Damn, that donk is huge. Yeah, you must poop. So now we know why Warzone has so many cheaters. They're busy doing other stuff other than fixing the fucking game. Yeah.

Holy shit. Which they did announce the hackings, like getting to this new level of problems. People already have, was it the crypt cry cry engine is what battlefield, the new battlefield runs, the new cry engine. They already have hacks released for the new battlefield. That's not out. The tornado battlefield. Yeah. Tornado battlefield. Can you make the tornado your weapon? Well,

What if you could spawn your pet tornado? I AM THE TORNADO! Float in the middle of it like fucking Storm from X-Men. Quadra kill. Man, PC games, see this is... I'm gonna get yelled at for this. I loved console gaming. You know what you didn't really deal with on console that much? Cheating.

Was there occasionally? You know, you're that fucking kid with a modded Xbox. Whatever. But fuck me running. But Xbox, like, banned your ass for doing it. Oh, yeah. Oh, absolutely. That's what was my favorite part. Like, they get banned. They're like, okay, we're good. Wouldn't they ban your Xbox, too? Yeah. Hardware. Yeah, like a hardware ban. It's like IP hardware, like everything. You're just fucked. Yeah. Where now they're just like...

delete the account. And it's like, the game's free. We can just start it back up and then all the issues start yet again. But like, with PCs...

What's the solution other than dumping tons of money into anti-cheat pro like people trying to track down heat cheats because this I was actually just looking in a thread on Tarkov because Tarkov is going on sale. So everyone's freaking out again because whenever there's a sale for Tarkov cheat a huge rampant cheat wave follows because they're making money off. It's easy for them to buy a bunch of accounts at that point. So like what do you do though? Like what other than these these IP these companies are

dumping money into anti-cheat is there like a is that just pc gaming at this point we kill them that's what you set an example yeah you set an example oh god that was i believed you you yeah we kill the cheaters we kill the cheaters simple after the first cheater like joker for batman yeah kill the batman we kill the cheater we kill the cheater we kill like 10 of them publicly public not us

I mean, well, no, I'm talking about like they're in Russia. Their government. Oh, yeah. Oh, God. There we go. Their government kills the cheaters. And then we're good. And then we're good. No one's going to cheat because you'll die. Because you'll die. That's one way. Or we ban IPs. I mean, we got two options. Oh, wait. Okay. Sounds a little better. Let's just step back on the murder.

Two options here so far. See what kind of president you would be. Blow them up. We're at war, guys. We have tyrant operator here today. Tyrant operator. Oh, never mind. I'm not going to go there. We're just going to pull that joke back. You can't play D&D with us anymore. I don't know what's going to happen. I'm a little concerned. This is it. I will kill my friends. No.

So you're in a tavern. You're all sitting around the bar. What do you do? Oh, I pull up my sword and stab Eli. Okay, this campaign is supposed to go for six months. You roll a 20. Okay, Eli, you're dead. You're level one. He stabbed you in the throat. Your jugular is just on the floor. Can anyone heal me? On this next turn, roll 20.

Kill another friend. Campaign's over. Donut's happy. Yeah. It's weird, Batty. I win D&D. It's weird, Batty. Why won't you run a game on and subscribe? Because my friends are terrible people. I can't control them at all. All you got to be able to do is manipulate them, but not these two. No, they're psychopaths. Did you just? I almost swallowed that. Are you okay? Yeah, I'm good. What the fuck? I just watched your bevel.

Yeah, I always break them off and put them in. Why? Wait, you intentionally do that? Yeah. So if everyone doesn't know, Eli intentionally broke the tab off his White Clock land, put it in the drink, and then almost choked on it as he drank it. That's the first time that's happened, though. That's a rare occasion. I'm fine. But why do that? What is the benefit? Neat. Have you met me? You know, good point. Never mind. You're questioning what I do? I retract my accusation, sir. Okay.

Roger, why would you do something weird like that? You have a scimitar on your fucking... You have an Uruk-hai blade. It's Lord of the Rings. I wanted to hang something else on the wall. It's a nerd room, and you're like, why is there an Uruk-hai sword on the table? Yeah, you got a lot of Lord of the Rings stuff over here. Okay, listen here, donut. Right.

What's that? Wait, that's the one? It looks like Narsil. It's not. Okay. I was going to say. It's a typical sword. It's got a similar hilt design. It's just smaller. Yeah. Yeah. That's like a small. It's not like a full two-handed. It's like a hand and a half, technically. Depending on who you are. Yeah. You've got tiny little bitch hands. Like a toddler. Or me. Yeah.

The toddler in me. You guys want to LARP later? I got an axe up there. I got this one. You got those. You guys want to go LARPing? Side note, I wear a 10 in females because the females had the best shoe selection color I wanted. So I was like, I'm buying these running shoes in females. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I like running shoes. No, no, no, no, no, no.

I was out shoe shopping yesterday for running shoes. You were shoe shopping for running shoes. And the females have really good color choices. They were like Eli's colors. It was that light blue and purple. So pink or yellow? Light blue and pink, purple. Yeah. I was like, that's my fucking color. Did you get both so you could mix match the shoes? Run purple, one blue? No, they only had that one, but it was on sale too. It was a clearance. I was like, mine. So what size in women's do you wear? 10. So you wear like a sevens in male? Nine. Nine. Nine.

Did you get a tickle? It's like, why are you bringing this up? We're talking about sword drawings. Yeah, I wear women's shoes. Man, I was going to go a completely different direction with that one. Okay. All right. So...

The night fights where the dudes put on armor and they hit each other with swords, right? Oh, yeah. What if we did that with toddlers? I'm liking where this is going. Good start. Good start. Weird finish. They can't. They will never hurt each other. Yeah. They don't have enough force. Have you seen... Okay.

Toddler fighting. Have you seen like the little kids where they do like the jujitsu and shit? Dude, have you seen the Muay Thai kids? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I'm talking about. I couldn't remember which country or wherever the fuck. Dude, that Thailand one. Those kids are beating the shit out of you. They were like four. And they were blood like.

If you haven't seen this video, I'll show you. Yeah, I read the book, Fighter's Heart by Sam Sheridan. It talks about you were trying to come out of poverty by fighting. Those kids literally feed their families by beating the shit out of each other. They're five years old, and they're straight breaking wrists. That video. I know what video you're talking about. It just came out. Dude, these toddlers are bullshits.

Like one's bloody and he's like, okay. And they're like, like the other toddlers are like, okay, it's take a break, drink some water. Okay. Get back in there. And you're like, it was toddler fight club. Yeah. And then the toddler is like high-fiving afterwards. I was like, bro, my son's limpy, broken arm. They're all like, next time. Like what the fuck? I was like, my son's a pussy.

That's all I thought. I got mad when somebody tore one of my Yu-Gi-Oh cards when I was a kid. These kids out here breaking each other. Like, literally breaking. I know how I'm going to raise my next one. Take him to Thailand and throw him in a ring. We're starting over. We're starting over, John. We're starting over. You played too many video games, boy. You bought too many Robux. We're resetting you, bro. Oh, no.

Yeah, those kids are fucking vicious. Yeah, terrifying. So, like, you're not far off with the armor and stuff, but, like, have you seen the actual sport? I don't remember. It's like, I don't remember what the fuck it's called, but...

Yeah, where they fight each other. For real, though. They fuck each other up. They got axes and swords and shit. They're just not. They're dulled, so they're not cutting. But they're full force. Full force. I think it's I-dubs. Never go full force. These guys are just beating the living hell out of each other with swords. And they're wearing knight's armor and shit. They're winded quickly, too. I mean, that stuff looks heavy.

That's when I think like that, but then there's like a 2000 versus 2000 and you're just like... A slow first stab.

It's all muddy and raining and you're just flipping on shit and you're like standing back up. You're like, God damn it. You like swing back. You stab your buddy in the eye. You're like, sorry, Brad. Fuck. Running forward. You're like, miss. You slip. Eat shit and slide. There's no. Stay on the ground. I would just play dead. Somebody stab me. I would just play dead. I'd throw like two other bodies on top of me and be like.

Those guys didn't do cardio either. End of the fight, just... I'd hope it was like next to a tree line so I could walk off and hide for like 30 minutes. And they come back to the battle. I put dirt on my armor. It's perfectly clean. I've been fighting this whole time. Oh, man. Guys, that was hard. Take my helmet off. There's no sweat.

It was just questioning. It's like, were you even here? Yeah, you stabbed that. Like this guy, dude. You stab a guy. It's your buddy. That's your team. How am I supposed to know they all look like they're wearing armor? I can't see their faces. What the fuck are you supposed to tell in the middle of like a medieval battle? They weren't wearing team red banners. Oh, there was a lot of, there was a lot.

A lot of team killing. Fratricide. Friendly fire. Yeah, lots of fratricide. Like, when you're... There's the line of archers, your squad's running in, they just fire. They're like, oop, we fired a little short. Just raining down on your own bros. Like... Yeah. Yeah. I'd be like, stab back. Go for it. Daddy's dead. Go home, fellas. That one was a swing and a hammer smash. Oop.

smash oh man i am killing a lot of my buddies get home you're like baddie like lori baddie died gallantly in the field of battle totally didn't stab him in the face at all was not me he was so brave yeah he was so so dead so dead imagine you're sword fighting you got your mask down you hate you swing and you're clashing steel and also you're like

Eli's that you you left your little baddie. Oh, sorry, bro. Oh Yeah, this mud in my eyes

Oh, no. We'll throw some leeches on you to bleed that out. That'll be fine. We'll be fine. There's ghosts in your blood. Let's give you some heroin. The witch will cure that, bro. Yeah, stab my fingers. Let me bleed out real quick. I feel way better. Here's some heroin. Oh, you got shot in the gut. You're dead. Literally, that was always a thing. It's like, ah, you're dead. You got anything in the stomach region. Your insides are just leaking around in there. It's not your intestines. You're pooing into your own belly right now. It's not good, bud. Yeah.

God, those were the days. Right? Why can't we do battle like that anymore? Just give me a lead ball and a field surgeon. Let's do this. Like, what the fuck? I mean, you have Dark Souls. You can potion it. I'm fine. I don't know. I don't know how I feel about that. What were we talking about? Like, Blizzard? No, we went Blizzard to fucking... We were talking about grapes. My hands are small. Oh, graping. Don't grape your friends. Yeah, that was the moral of that story. Yeah.

War is hell. War is hell. War never changes. Yeah, war never changes. Indeed.

Why are we here? Yeah, why? Remember back in the old school colleges? I mean, even maybe in the new ones, every loading screen had like the different quote from fucking like Teddy Roosevelt or some shit. Going to war. I don't know what weapons World War III will be fought with, but World War IV we thought was sticks and stones. Exactly. It's like, damn. That's deep. Jesus. 14 of me was like, oh my God, I'm right down on my binder when I get to school. With an S.

Yeah, I was about to say with the ass. Yeah, with the ass. No fear. Yeah, no fear. I'm going to make a pentagram. Oh, God, erase that. That's actually really bad. Oh, I can't make a pentagram. I did too many lines. Hey, Donut, your lips still tingly? It's starting to go away. Mine are still super tingly. Really? Yeah. Mine's like almost gone now. What was the next topic? Mordekaiser. There we go. The next topic, like you...

Yeah, that we're going to talk about. We didn't write stuff. Guys, welcome to unsubscribe. Not only do we have audio issues. This podcast started out with like video games. We're nerds. And it just turned into, hey guys, you want to hang out on Friday for a couple hours? And drink. What are you doing around two?

We said one today. We pushed that to two because we were hungry. It's 5 p.m. Just so everyone's clear. Is it 5? That's an hour off. It's 4. That's great because I have to go to Montekima after this. I have to go and I have to go pick up the uwu. Wait, what's at Montekima? I don't know. I don't want to say on the podcast. We'll bleep it.

Fuck it. You can just leave it. It's the Scorpion. It's the Scorpion. Leave it. Yeah, the Scorpion Evo 3 S1 or S2. I don't remember. It's the pistol variant shorty boy. Okay, what? How far is Paladin from here? 30 minutes without traffic. With traffic, 45. Perfect. Okay, then we're good.

That UU gun's done. So I'm like, did you see it? Yeah, you should. Okay, okay. So you need to go with Eli. Okay. And you need to get a gun UU'd. Okay. Well, it closes at 530 today. Oh, I gotcha. So that's why I was like, but I will be going to drop my guns off whenever you're next. Grab your Nemo. Hmm.

And just drop it off. And just drop it off. Yeah. I'll be good. Well, I have to go back there Monday or Tuesday, Wednesday, whatever day you're back. Okay. Because I know you're going out of town. I'm going to be gone for another week probably. Yeah. Oh, another week? Yeah. God dang. So you hate us? No. It's okay. I love you guys. I'm going to be hanging out with them, Grantham and Brandon Herrera. What? And Kentucky Ballistics and Chuck Liddell. And we're going to the Sand Dunes of Northern Michigan. We didn't get that invite. Do you want that invite? We didn't get it.

Okay, you looked at Eli. Can you look at me and say that? Don't look at him. Hey, what's up, Donut? I've been doing nothing but watching Grantham videos for the last four days straight. I know you've been on that kick. Well, because I'm getting ready to start my YouTube things. So I've been just... Also, I just want to have sex with Mike. He is an attractive man. Oh, my God.

He's also immortal. Have you seen those memes? Yes, absolutely. Have you seen those? Yes. Oh, yeah. Where he's in the Civil War, World War I, World War II. There's always him. You know why? It's his jawline. That jawline? Bruh. Make sure you hit unsubscribe. Today we're talking about the...

The comment section is out of control. Dude, that's what it is. Because I did, when he first got to Japan, I, like, FaceTimed him on a stream, talked to him there. And then he's been with my other buddy that's a JTAC. And he, like, FaceTimed me out of the blue. And I was like, what the fuck? Mike went and, like, answered it. And then he's like, you know this person? I was like, oh, my God. Fucking Holtz. What's up, buddy?

Like, just, like, waving at him. I was like, oh. I forgot they're, like, buddies and they work together. He's one of the few guys in the industry I haven't had a chance to meet. Oh, yeah. It's probably good because I, you know. Back of the throat. We had to make the sounds of people that are just listening instead of watching it on YouTube. But, like, I just, I don't know. Yeah. No, he's a really good dude. Like, him. Oh, yeah. You're doing your YouTube. Yeah. I'm going to start a gun channel. It's going to be, like, a whole separate thing. Woo.

I'm actually going to say the name because I don't need to deal with people stealing that shit beforehand. Batty Guns. It's called Batty Guns. Batty Guns. Batty Guns. It's not called Batty Guns. It's going to be a bunch of girls with bikinis and Batty's going to be like, okay, today on Batty Guns. I'm also going to be wearing a bikini, though. Yeah. Remember Borat? Mm-hmm. Yeah, me. Ginger.

You need to start doing content again. I need to start content, period. It's been a minute, Donut, hasn't it? When was the last time you put out a video? 29 days. It's going to be wild when unsubscribed comes out before the next Donut video. I know. In a month. I need to do that. That's my job. I was like Sunday. I was like, oh, I'm going to film Sunday. When do you leave, Donut? The 5th.

Monday Monday second second yeah second is Monday first is because I leave tomorrow come back Sunday I think I'll leave the second okay I don't know I'm gonna borrow all your guys' plates before then yeah take them before we leave I got another set at home too you're sweet you're sweet

collecting all the plates for this video. I won't say what the video is about because no one... Eli's going to wear a bunch of armor and we're going to shoot him. Okay, yeah. I'm fine with that. Yeah. Demolition Ranch is going to shoot him. Yeah. So stay tuned. That's the video that's released. Okay. Here we go. Yeah. We're just lining up Eli's. Which visual effects wise because you can get the actual proper... Okay, so maybe... This could be a video.

I don't know if YouTube's ever gonna monetize that. 'Cause I just do 3D replications of myself. But don't worry, 'cause RAID: Shadow Legends will! Wait, did we get sponsors? Ding! No. Oh shit, we didn't do a sponsored thi- Eli. You broke. This is fine. We're gonna take a quick moment to talk about our sponsor today. Yeah. Uh, Liquid Death Water! Uh, it's just fucking water in a can. It's water...

I think, what was Camelback's fucking logo? It was like, hydrate or die, right? Was it really? And then Liquid Deaths is murder your thirst, so. I figured hydrating leads to cum, though, you know? You ever just have a couple hour session and you're dehydrated? Couple hours? An hour? Hours? 20 minutes? Plural? Yeah, hours is a lot of fucking...

chat in the comments today chat i called you i called every chat i just want to know okay on average how long do you fuck that's just put a number you know don't say i fuck for this long i don't don't don't lie either thank you how long do you fuck three hours straight my bitch loves it no you don't i want and your hand hates you

What'd you say about righty read? Pamela Henderson. How many hours? What's a good ratio of fuck to time? How long are you winded after? A good fuck to minute ratio. I'm more of a 30 minute fuck to come ratio. What about you, Dota? It feels weird hearing you guys say hours and minutes. 30 seconds. Yeah.

They don't call me Eli. Don't laugh at that, Lori! Don't laugh at that! What are you doing? Eli double tapped for a reason. I'm not happy. I'm really unhappy. But at least she's disappointed. Well, yeah. At least one person comes in that relationship. Yeah, always me.

We have the episode where we mentioned cum more times than any other episode. Any video game. We started this episode off with cum. Oh, yeah. Full circle. It's okay. Honestly, that's what people are... People can't listen to this at work. I say that every... And then they still listen to it. I put it in our little description. I'm like, maybe don't listen to this one with mom. Listen to this one. We talk about...

What's a cum? Yeah, what's a cum, mom? I need somebody to do the math on this. Donuts over here are spitting hours. Fucking hours? I'm fat. Mom, what's a Peter North tin roper? Ropes. Peter North. That name in years. That's true. What does that mean, that Pepperidge Farm? Pepperidge Farm remembers. Peter North. Oh, no.

Why are you laughing? God, this episode's terrible. Every episode's terrible. That's kind of what we do. Let's talk about grape, and then let's talk about fuck ratio. Come fuck ratio. Yeah, come fuck ratio. Is that like the more you fuck, the less you cum, right? The hydration comes in. Just shoot blanks after so many times. Just...

Now, okay, here's the point. Cough and dust. Curveball, when you're drinking, how does that affect your come-to-fuck ratio? Or your fuck-to-time ratio? Your fuck-to-time ratio goes up after drinking. Oh, I mean, yeah, but your come-to-fuck ratio goes way down. Mine is dead. We're going to have to chart this in?

So I thought a whiteboard was like, come to fuck Ray. Fuck to come, Ray. Why do people listen to this? Drunk Eli just gets bored or tired. I'm like, I'm not coming. Goodbye. I need a bedtime. Just drinking. I'm like, no. Literally, I'm like, it's not going to happen. Did you go? Okay. No, me neither. High five. Go to bed.

We'll all go to bed disappointed together. And that's fuck to cum ratio, everyone. Then we'll talk about video games one day. Next episode on Unsubscribed, expect video games. Steam made a console. Oh,

Oh yeah, we gotta talk about that real quick. Speaking of fucking and cum, Steam made a console called the Steam Deck. No wait, the Stream Deck. Oh yeah, because it came out the same day Stream Deck 2 released, so Elgato released the Stream Deck 2. The Steam Switch. No, the Steam Deck. Nintendo Steam? Nintendo Steam?

What is it called? Steam made a collapsible controller. Well, apparently it runs 600 bucks. It can run any game. I don't believe that. They say they can run any game on Steam right now.

That's like 600 bucks for the best one. That's weird. But like at what quality? They didn't say that. Remember Nintendo 64 games? It's going to look like fucking Mario 64. Because if you do... You just got to have some fucking pointy tits. Technically on a small screen, if you do 720p and you just max out those settings, it will look good. Because it's a fucking small screen. You'll be like, okay, okay, okay, okay. But the Witcher sex scenes aren't going to look as good. I'm just saying. They say you can put it on your TV though, so it would have to...

Have better resolution. Oh, like you can cast it? Like a switch where you can just plug it in? It's going to be like a switch where you can just put it on your TV. Is that your phone ringing? Eli! Oh. It's Brandon from Muscle Rod Shop. Hi, Brandon from Muscle Rod Shop. Hi, Brandon from Muscle Rod Shop. I can't answer because we're on a podcast. That's rude. But yeah, I'm actually excited. Now I know you can pre-order for five bucks. Mm-hmm.

Oh, that's kind of neat. You don't need to – you can lay away that bitch. Yeah. You can have it for Christmas next year. Thanks, Mom. Until Christmas, yeah. And $600 for the best one. That ain't a bad – it's worth – Oh, is there different tiers for it too? Yeah. Oh. And $600 gets you like the top tier. Okay, so I got to know because I only saw the fucking gif of the fucking thing collapse in the opening. Does it have like a CP – is there like a – is it like straight up like a fucking Switch? Yeah.

Yeah. Or does it have a dock and you just plug the controller into it? Or is it full-on mobile? Yeah, it's mobile. No shit. Yeah, you can take it with you. And then I think you can dock it. They said you can hook it up to a TV. I don't know about the docking station. I can't wait to dock with the bros. I can't wait to dock with you guys. We can dock.

We're going to dock with our steams. Yeah. If you know what docking is, just Google that. Dad, Google docking. On Urban Dictionary. Anywhere. Just Google it. You'll figure it out. I have three dudes docking. Why did that just... Somebody really just thought... My mind immediately went to, unfortunately, all of us going together. I hate that image. I just figured out how to do it. It would have to be two dudes in one. It would...

On that note, guys, we're going to end this podcast. Go look up the Steam console for yourself because I don't want to talk anymore. Eli, double tap. Batty streams. Donut, hello, hi. Everyone, Donut here. We love you. No, we don't.