21 - HOW ARE WE NOT CANCELLED YET? ft. Caleb Francis & Angry Cops 01:06:51

Okay. Hi, everyone. You didn't drink it after you opened it. Did you just open it and put it down? Yeah, he did. Wait, what are you drinking? Ranch. Today, I'm drinking a delicious ranch water brought to you by the delicious cascading waters of where that one female soldier was found. Lone River. I'm guessing it's Lone River. Fort Hood? Mm-hmm. Was there really one? Wasn't there a bunch of females?

Well, that's how we're starting this off of and ranch water associating with it. That's a great way to get a sponsor. Hi. Do you want to taste? I told you I was going hard. Tequila, booze, and deadwood in a single drink. Do you know what it's like to drink the soul and literal miniature molecules of a passed away soldier who has passed away in most heinous of ways? Drink ranch water and you will gain their spirit. Man, so we had a solid 21 episode run.

This is the one. Today is the one. I can make everybody forget about the last 30 seconds with the power of a dragon's penis. Would a dragon's penis have a dragon's face on its penis? I carved it into the base. For those who don't know, Rich came over to my house. Hi, Acre Cops is here. He, um,

A petrified dragon's penis. And now I'm a wizard. I'm very good at wizardry with all the penile implants. Is that a dragon's tooth behind you, Matty? Yeah. That is the shittiest dragon's tooth I've ever seen. It's like a child in kindergarten. They were like, make it a molar. However, this penis is very real.

Rich is holding a fake dragon head sconce thing with a light on it. It's a wiener. It looks slightly phallic shaped. It could be. I'm loading it with magic. Okay, this being said, let's start. Okay, first off, we got angry cops. We got Rich. The angry cop. The angry cop and angry drill sergeant. Not to be confused with Mike the cop because we look identical. You're just both bonkers.

That's it. And white and cops. Identical. One of you gets way better engagement than the other. Mike does. Oh, no. And then we have... What's your name again? Jeremy. Jeremy, nice to meet you. That was so sweet. I like it. Jeremy, you do... Weird handshakes. That was really fingertip. Jeremy's a dainty shaker. Jeremy, you're huge in the OF thing. Yeah, yeah. I do a lot of OnlyFans. We can say that here, but...

Oh, we can say it? Yeah, you can say OnlyFans on a podcast. It's not like TikTok or Instagram or YouTube. You can't say that? Oh, true. Maybe just block this out. That one thing that I said. YouTube, I still would still. OnlyFans! Just linking to your OnlyFans? Linking, saying anything. They do not like that. To link to it from an Instagram or TikTok, you have to have a link tree with then a link in it, and even then it's still...

Still kind of sketchy. How do all these female Twitch gamers make money, then? The Twitch. Twitch. Twitch, bro. I mean, dudes will pay all kinds of money just to hear you say their name. Wait, hold. Okay, Caleb Francis. He does TikTok. We got Batty Streams. He streams video games. He's known as Batty Streams. We call him Batty Streams because why, Batty? Because I'm verified on Twitter now. Just shut the fuck up. What's your IG? Mine? Yeah, what's your Instagram handle? 30,000. No, what's your Instagram handle? It's Batty Streams. Oh, flex. Batty. Batty.

He didn't get Batty on Instagram. Of course I didn't get Batty on Instagram! You know how many bitches out there have fat asses or took Batty before I could? There's Batty with an underscore. What's Instagram? Batty with three underscores. Batty streams. Well, it's still Batty. But it's Batty streams! And they won't just call me Batty. They always call me Batty streams. Yeah, now everyone calls me Batty streams. It doesn't bother like everybody else. It doesn't hurt at all, actually. Just sat that in. With the power of a dragon streamer. It's gonna be here just drop.

I can make sure that all the thoughts and all of Instagrizzles no longer use the term baddie. Or that whenever people think of baddie streams, they think of the ejaculate. That's a good option. Baddie streams. Okay. Baddie streams all over, making the walls sticky. Okay, we got ranch water, dead soldiers. And then we got...

Me? Twitch, streaming, Girls Make Money, because have you ever watched... You've never seen... Yes, ASMR...

You haven't seen ASMR. You haven't seen hot tub streams? Oh, trash. I've seen one hot tub stream. The ear whispering stuff? Is she still banned, Amaranth? Because the ear whispering. So it was the yoga ear whispering, right, Batty? You know that there's naked yoga on YouTube? Oh, yeah. What the fuck? Straight up spreading ass cheeks, booty hole touching, naked yoga on YouTube. Anybody can watch it. We call this spreading.

birthing videos. There's doctor dissection videos. You can see a boobie about any way you want on YouTube. I like your go-to's on our birthing videos. He said naked yoga. Which is sexual. If you want that good vagina. If you want the big boobies that are full of milk. Those mommy milkers. You're

That's the freshest Mommy Milkers you're ever going to see. So, yeah, so if you're a little kid and you're trying to find boobies one way or another, you can go to Google and type in birthing videos. I'm really sure the FAA is going to not like what you just said. Hello, young children. Do you want to know where the boobies are? Yeah, yeah. I feel like I'm in an Eminem video. They love me now. They're like, hell yeah. The little kids? Yeah, you shouldn't. That's not a good thing. Mommy birthing videos on YouTube.

I'm just gonna crop the video so that the tops show me their tits and the bottoms are the yoga! I don't see the baby come out and get shit on. I just wanna see the big boobies. I'm, uh, still a police officer, so... You're under arrest. I cannot be associated with this. Pits me under arrest. You're under arrest. I said to taste it! I said to taste it!

Completely leaves. Oh, well, I guess he really did leave. Oh, wow. He without actually broke his TOS. Did I really say something? And without the power of a dragon's penis, I was unemployed. Okay.

I mean, if you get fired, I'll send you the dragon's penis. I have no issues just sending you the dragon's penis. And I'll send you some videos of birthing videos. I'll send you the links to some really good birthing videos. Are you getting that, Caleb? The text, remember this, winky face. What?

Yeah, it got me fired. My DM is just filled with YouTube-like stuff. Anchor claps. You see this? Yeah, I have. For our question for this podcast and the YouTube comments, did you know that there are naked...

Yeah, that's pretty cool. I don't know what camera to look into, but if you are not over the age of 18, do not look at those videos. We suggest highly that you have... Yes. What? Ignore your parents? You say ignore your parents? Dude, we are so liable. We are so liable on here. This is a satire. Good one. This is satire.

Fuck. This is science. No, it's satire. It's satire. This is not a legitimate conversation. This is puberty. This is how puberty happens. All of Utah is going to sue us. True, yeah, it's just scientific. What better way to lose NMBs than to watch some random woman splurt out a child and poop and shit in the tub? Yeah.

Oh yeah, watch them with your parents. Is that what you said? Yeah. No, you said bring your parents in like a weird way. Not like, hey, let's make sure that adults are present. You're like, hey, bring your parents. Hey dad, I'm stuck. Bring your parents. This birthing video is on. Oh no, stepdad, why are we watching another birthing video? Hey son.

I don't want to watch anymore. You can't keep videotaping me when I poop in the tub with gallon jugs of milk to me saying, Mommy Milkers as I open up the cabs. Dad, please. I love that now the viewer is hooked no matter what. Everybody's just like, Mommy Milkers. Yes, they're all Googling all this stuff. Yes, yes.

Naked yoga, yes. Birthing videos, yes. The thought is it's going to be about gaming, and all of a sudden, like, one man is afraid of being arrested, even though he's a cop, and everybody else is super cool telling young children to go look up almost porn. Duh, easy. I mean, we just had, like, really grainy videos on, like, Channel 2 at 3 in the morning. You're straight up saying, you want to see some fat tits, kid? I hope you like to see them fat preggle titties.

This is a miracle of birth, but of course he could beat off to it. You won't grow up to be a psycho. This is how we're creating a generation of serial killers. Hey, I saw this really sweet stream when I was seven years old, and now I like to go to truck stops and kill hookers and scream Mamie Mommy milkers. They were already going to be serial killers. No, we helped. We're just helping them out.

them get identified. You're right. They led to the edge and then we pushed them over. We shouldn't be held liable. Oh, fuck. By we, I mean you. You all did this. I am protesting. We've never had this type of episode. No, we absolutely have. No, we absolutely have. Perhaps it was the power of the dragon penis. Could be.

Can you pick up the dragon penis one more time? Just one more. This phallic member has told us that we need to talk about big mommy milk kids. So the first thing you thought... It's very easy to turn on a dragon's penis. First, you have to touch the crystal just right and spit on it. My God, it's worked.

Okay, Batty, could you hand me the blue creature? Do it anyway. Right there. Rich, explain this. Huh? What is this? The head of a dragon's penis. Explain it. What is that? It's a creature from... Oh, I actually know what this is. Yeah, this is one of the few creatures from D&D that I actually know.

It's like an all-seer or a seeker or a viewer or a gazer. It's something like that. Gazer. An all-seer and a gazer, both things. It's a beholder. Beholder. A gazer is a smaller view. Yes. Yeah, he actually, when we first showed up and he was making fun of my entire room, he told me he knew us. That's amazing coming from like the dragon's penis to that. He's like, oh, this is a beholder. This is a beholder and this whole room reeks of virginity. But with one magic wand. Oh, my powers aren't strong enough.

Perhaps the dragon penis seems to be stroked. It'll warm it up. If we all spit on that lady. Yes! If we all spit combined. We can.

It's glowing, Batty! It's glowing green! Batty, we need you to spit. We need your spit. You're the only one, Petty. We need you. A uniform. Spit on the shaft of the dragon's penis. Go, Batty, go! And with its glorious goo...

We're now shielded in a protective force of virgin idiom. Wow. Imperatrilled by sluts, thots, and onlyfans. Can't say that word. Oh, no. And schmonlishmans. Schmonlishmans. Okay. Onlyfans. Yeah, onlyfans. And onlyfans. Not friends. Friends. Yeah. God damn it. Yeah, this is, I mean. Do you guys remember when we talked about video games? No. I don't. I've never watched this.

I'm fully employed. Not for long. No, after this one, you're good. No. No, Eli, you're employed. You have a job. I have multiple. I love you. Love you. Man, it's been so long. Yeah, it's great to be back. It's nice to have somebody here like you. Uh-huh. Thank you. I appreciate it. I'm glad that everybody's here. It's just so good. Just him, though? Yep. If we got rid of him, would anyone notice? Yeah, probably. You might, but I mean, that side of the table will. For sure.

Rich. Huh? Okay. Video games. I don't even know where you start. Why are you letting go? We have his background. We don't watch anime. You watched a little. You watched Toonami back in the day. I watched Toonami back in the day. I started off with Toonami back in the day. Are you asking me? This is a nerd cast. A nerd podcast. It should be. It's

Dixon games. I stroked off a dragon penis. It's a nerd podcast. Now we transition to the video games. Okay, video games. I've played some, yes. What? Okay. No, no, no. I gotta know. So, anime. First anime ever. That you jerked off to. Oh, first that I jerked off to? Okay. Yeah, we grew up with Toonami. So, it was one of two.

Oh, that rotated on its own. You pulled that string. I thought it was the power of the virginity. Balma or Faye Valentine? I don't know what you're talking about. Cowboy bebop girl or dragon ball girl with blue hair? Oh, Dragon Ball Z. You know what? I was too innocent to jerk off to Dragon Ball Z when I was younger. I wasn't.

Were you ever? No. You chose Chi-Chi, didn't you, you fucking weirdo? Chi-Chi, why do I know that name? Oh, I know Chi-Chi. Chi-Chi was like the mom. No, she didn't. She was just sad. She was angry a lot. You know what? She's kind of a buzzkill. Yes, absolutely. Always sad and worried. You're like, I can't be attracted to you if you're worried about the guy that kills everything. Yeah.

So anyway, yeah, Cowboy Bebop. That girl. And then Inuyasha. There was like a hot sauna scene where the tops of the titties and a lot of cleavers was out. And I was just like, Inuyasha's looking through the woods and being like, oh my god.

Yeah, sure. Her. Like it's one specific moment, which I mean, you probably recorded that moment. I mean, it's in my brain. Like, yeah, I saw that. I was like, there's almost a titty. Oh, and I was like, titty is just as good as full titties. Oh yeah. As a little boy. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. I,

I have a lady friend and I tell her this all the time because she likes to flash me and like shake her tits around, which is normal and great. And I, maybe not normal for us. And so I live a wonderful life. And so she, so she does this and I, and I had, I had like scold her the other day. I'm like, listen, honey, I go, you just shake it and go, Hey, I go, you take away like what makes them great. And that's that. I can't see them all the time. So be like a little bit more shy with them.

And I'm going to want to see him a lot more. And I'll be very excited when I do see him. Fuck.

Flash your guy friends. Micro bikinis. We love them. Micro bikinis or get out of the shower with your hands. Hands over the hand block. If my girlfriend walked out of the shower and just dropped her towel. No towel. Just walked out of the shower naked. I'd be like, yeah, nice. But if she walked out with a towel on her waist and her hands over her titties, I'd be like, oh, God, I'm a fool. With the power of my dragons. She's covering the bitch.

I'm going to spread the bed. Yeah. I want to see that. That's why I like micro bikinis. It's those bits just covered. Just the little pieces. It's the imagination. It's our imagination. They get us there. They get us to the edge, much like your weird rapey scenarios earlier that we talked about. And then our imagination pushes us over the edge, but in a very legal way, as opposed to your, you know, weird metamelia. I'm glad you compare child birthing to rapey situations. No, no, no. You talking about child birthing is a rapey situation. Yeah.

I mean, Caleb's the one that brought me the combo. No, no, no, you're in it. I tried to walk away. You brought me back into it. Caleb's face. He's looking up and he's like, who's this? It's funny that you guys asked this question, though, because I was thinking about this recently. I think about the first anime that I remember a scene in Tenchi Muyo.

It really did it for me. Because it was just him and all the girls that wanted to have sex with him the whole time. And I was like, man, this shit is pretty cool. But then there's this... I don't remember their names, but there's the Space Pirate one that was always so horny and hot. But then there was the really... Yeah, that's Cowboy Bebop. That's definitely Cowboy Bebop. No, no, no. This is Tinchy Mouya, dude. Same thing. It was one dude who lived with five hot girls. Tinchy Mouya? There was one that was really short and red-headed. And she always had a crush on him, but she never would approach him because she was so little or whatever. But she...

She was the scientist, and she'd done something to make herself become big in one episode. She's like, I've been working on this just for you, Tenchi, and she took this potion or whatever, and she grew into a full-grown woman with giant tits and stuff, and I'm here being like, whoa.

What? Because she was always so innocent. Is this one of the girls? That's the space pirate girl. That cat turned into a spaceship. It would jump. And he sold right off of this. It would jump off her shoulder and just like explode into her spaceship. And then she'd jump into it and take off. It was so fucking cool. So this animal would expand and she would climb inside of it. Climb inside of it, yeah. And then it would meow as she was driving through space and shit. No shit it would. It's crazy, yeah. Grab that lever to warp speed. Oh!

I don't know, but if you hit it, this thing goes really fast. And I have to peel back the layers of the ship. Don't do that! Don't do that! Don't peel those back! And that's how the Milky Way was created. Just a quick note to our editors.

Put a headphone warning to it. Don't play this one around your family.

Grandpa needs to know what happened after he left Japan. Yeah. The anime came out. It's a World War II joke. We're like the New England Patriots. In the past, we were great. Now? Yeah, we talked about it on one of the episodes before. The Bills beat us? I'm a Bills fan, too. Josh Allen's looking great. Bullshit.

Yeah. We've got two sports. Football and drinking. Hockey's there too, but we don't talk about that anymore. The Sabres? Shhh. I'm from New England. I used to be a huge, huge, huge, huge football guy. I can name. Patriots fan. You're a Patriots guy because you're in New England. Jets? Dallas, actually.

I saw a Dallas... Okay, listen. Hi, Caleb. I don't know what they're talking about right now. Listen, Giants-Dallas game when I was younger. Troy Aikman, Emmitt Smith. You don't like the Cowboys. You like cocaine. That's different. The Trifucta? Exactly, man. Those three, it was the original fucking trio. James Kelly. I don't know who that is. Yeah, he lost four Super Bowls in a row. Go Bills. Go Bills.

I don't know sports. I hate the Patriots. Beholder, show him the ways of the Bills. Oh, he's the only person to not start crying immediately. Wow, impressive. Terrible. Yep. That was it. That's why we drank. That's why we go through tables. Barstool Sports did a... You see why everyone comments on all the videos of me jumping through tables going, oh, Bills Mafia. Yes. Yes. That's really why? Because of the Bills, yeah.

I don't know anything about... Our team was so bad for literally two decades. 17 years we didn't go to the playoffs. Not... We didn't even go to the playoffs. Okay, no joke. 20 years. Did you hit 10 wins? In a season? No. In... You guys were like fucking winning three or four games a season. No, no. We weren't Detroit. Oh, no.

Detroit was bad. No, no. We'd get like seven, eight wins a season. No, that was it. We'd even out a lot. Losing season is nine and seven. Or seven and nine. Seven wins, nine losses. And then we'd eight and out a couple years. And we'd get like nine and seven. But it wouldn't be enough because in our division is the Patriots. So you get the Patriots that are like, hey, they win the division all the time. Just bend over.

So we have to fight for the wild card. And if you're fighting for a wild card, I mean, you better have 10 or 11 wins and be the second seed in your division. And even though we had the Jets in Miami, we just didn't have that bump. We weren't there. Guys, you're making me feel so bad. I'm yet so proud, though, because here's the gem. Here's how you take a negative and turn it into a positive. You take a dragon's penis and you suck it. And that's what we did. You suck it.

Basically, what we did was we painted this the color of the Patriots and named Tom Brady and we sucked it. And we sucked it really hard. So...

So we got... And we got so tired of sucking it and so used to sucking penises that we decided, let's get hammered so we don't have to remember it. And then we jumped through tables. We have a guy named Pinto Pete, who... His Pinto is towed in because it doesn't have an engine anymore. And he... Car. Get ready for an urban legend. This man is a legend. Do not disrespect his name. He is a god among men. Pinto Pete...

has a pinto toad in. What's that go on? Sounds like pinto bean is what I thought you said it for. Sure. Pinto bean. That's a good name. He's got a massive beard bigger than yours. Long gray hair. He's been in the game for a while. How old is Pinto Pinto?

Pinto, is it Pinto Ron? I think it's Pinto Ron, I'm sorry. Pinto Ron. Pinto Ron. He's a living legend. I fucked up his name. Pinto Ron. Ron. It's the Pinto. It's the actions, not the name. Okay. All right. Everybody knows Chesty Pollard, but what did he do? Nobody knows. Nobody knows what Chesty Pollard did. They're just like, yeah, he was a Marine. Cool, whatever. Nice guy, I guess. Love Chesty. Love Chesty.

Love him. What'd he do? I don't know. He's got tits. He's got milkers. He loves titties, so he's Chesty Puller. He pulls on milkers. But Pinto Ron, excuse me, Pinto Ron brings a Pinto. Yeah, Pinto Pete, Pinto Ron, whatever. Pinto! He gets it. So he'll barbecue on the hubcaps of the car.

He has a bowling ball. Follow me. Just follow me here. Follow me here. All right. Don't follow up. Listen, I'm the dungeon master. All right. Just follow me down your trail. Oh, my gosh. Hey. That's my table, sir. I just took it over, baby. It's fine. It's fine. That's what happens. It's the curse of Pinto Ron. See? We got it. Now that...

So he has bowling ball shots where you pour a shot into the thumb of the bowling ball. You slam it back. Be careful. You will break your teeth. And then you slam it on the ground as hard as you can. And you create all these fucking dents in the grass. And at the end, in this glorious... What would you call it? Explosion? No. Oh, yeah. There's debauchery in there, too. But what would you call it? When the...

Fireworks explode. The crescendo. The crescendo. The grand finale. The grand finale. The peak of the crescendo is that he holds a hot dog and hamburger up to the sky as if they are either Simba, but in one hand each.

And there is a male and a female. Males get ketchup. Women's get mustard. Yes, it is that legitimate. And they spray him with ketchup and mustard to the point where both, yes, of course, the hot dog and hamburger are covered. But so is his entire face and body in ketchup and mustard. And then he eats them. And then we go to the game.

That is the Bills Mafia, gentlemen. Would you like to get rowdy this year? Because we have a winning team. I love you can't remember that dude's name, though. Pinto Ron. Pinto Ron. I said, we're going to get those like Pinto Jorge. I say Pinto Pete because it rhymes, but I forget that it doesn't. It's Pinto Ron. How dare I?

Nonetheless, I believe I described, and there are many other things. There are many other things that he does. I just kind of gave you the trifecta of coolness. Do you have a video of this event happening? Barstool Sports. Google it. Should we watch it now or do you want me to show you later? For the podcast or now? Barstool Sports. I got it. Okay. Oh, bad. He's main dropping right now. No, he's the guy who looks like me. And Pinto Ron. Oh, yeah. We talk. He looks just fucking like me. We get tagged in the same shit all the time.

Pinto Ron told ESPN to go fuck themselves because Barstool came in and El Presidente, I forget his name. He was like, hey, listen, Pinto Ron, cool. I'm just, you know, this is our first...

I guess of, you know, the bills mafia is their first biography ever. And we're going to do in the mafia because you guys are insane. And so everybody, including Pinto Ron and a bunch of other people that are like staples of bills, tailgating are like, yeah, cool. Do your thing, blah, blah, blah. And other agencies, you know, ESPN and Fox sports and MSNBC, whatever came in. And they're like, Hey, listen, we're all, Hey, listen, barstool sports. Yeah.

Okay, we're going to do this. And we just stop trying to steal the spotlight. And Pinto Ron's like, no, fuck those. I don't give a fuck about them. I don't know who they are. I know you, though, El Presidente, and you're cool. You get the ketchup. They wanted to give you the mustard, but that's for women. And even though you're a Patriots fan, we're not going to disrespect you like that. Oh, there's heritage in this. There's heritage.

And he's like, okay. And Pinto Ron was like, you can either let Barstool's guy up there or you can go fuck off. And they wanted their shot, so they were like, fine. And they fucking sucked Ron's dick for a second. And they, meh. No shit. Yo, our two Bills fans are geeking out so hard right now. The mafia's everywhere. Let me tell you this. Oh, I'm aware. We start in Buffalo, but we spread everywhere. It's like herpes everywhere.

Sounds like an STD. But enjoyable. Like, if herpes was like those paper candies that you could peel off and eat, that would be us as an STD for Bill's Mafia. The little watermelon ones? Yeah, like the rainbow strips of paper, and then you have little dots on it. Oh, shit. Wow. Okay. Like, we're not herpes, because herpes is bad. But if you broke out around your groin with delicious little bumps of candy. Little candies? Wow. I don't know if I'd like that. I'd be trying to pull my legs up like all night. Right? It's a little more flavorful, too. It is. Yeah. You have the dots. Then pass. Yeah.

Not so bad. Would STDs be as bad? They tasted good? Ooh, no. That'd be great. Because then you're going to crave it. Okay, but like, okay. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is the worst episode we've ever had. Or the best? Or if STDs were like candy...

Would they be as bad? No, absolutely not. What would STDs be as candy, though? Like, what are their candy counterparts? Okay, so... Necco, wait for the war hat. Uh-oh. That's AIDS. You get up and you're like, you're like, what's this? My mouth is gone. I'm getting blisters. It's so sour. It's so sour, I'm getting blisters. So what are you gonna...

It's gotta be like syphilis, right? That's when you get the blisters? Yeah. It's easily curable. You can spit it out, you know? But it's... There it is. Creating sores. Syphilis, when you get the blisters, the rows around it. Syphilis, right, guys? Not sure about that. Rows around it? I don't know. You were going in depth. That's what I was like. I didn't say that. No, but you were very specific. Okay, so in the couple of words, who do you think is more likely to have syphilis? Eli? Eli?

Don't comment on that! That's a terrible comment section! Angry Cops definitely has syphilis. I have searched some syphilitic people. Oh, I'm sure you have. Ooh, scary. What's it look like? Syphilis? Yeah, when you're really up close and you're seeing it. Oh, no, I don't get that close. That's when you push away and you say no. So what does it look like from an arm's length? He's a police officer, not a doctor. Unless he's your mother. Just open sores. Just sores? Like a redness. Like, um...

You ever get, like, hives? Okay, yeah. You know where you get a large red rash and there's a bunch of bumps on it? Yeah, sure. Now imagine each bump was, like, a little pussy. Pussy? What kind of candy would that be? Cow tails. Cow tails? Cow tails. Maybe cow tails. Just dangling off. Because everybody's heard of syphilis, but nobody wants it. Okay. Cow tails. Cow tails. He's got a point. Like, I don't know how to do it.

Especially if they're attached to their body. Like, oh, no, Betty gave me cow tails. Whatever, I guess I'll just eat it and in a week I'll be fine. What would that taste like? It would taste like used pennies at a truck stop. Oh, in the bathroom? Toilet bathroom truck stop pennies.

Oh, goodness. So that's got to be the heaviest hitter of, like, the shittiest candy. Are you talking, like, circus peanuts? Oh, circus peanuts are bad. That's what I'm saying. Now they're candy corn. Oh, candy corns. I love candy corns.

You look like you love candy corn. You look like you've survived candy corn. It's like it's okay, but I would never would be like give me that candy corn. Oh man is that a bowl of candy corn? Let me walk by it. You walk by it exactly. You're like oh cool. Oh wow I didn't know that they were rich enough to not give a shit about spending money. I will go out of my way to buy candy corn. I can't even remember what it tastes like now. Wax. Wax lips. What would wax lips be? Ugh.

Fright trash. Yeah. They're the worst. It's just wax. I don't even think there's a flavor. They tasted like something, but not good. I don't even remember if it's a flavor. Candle? There was like the wax little bottles that you bite into.

Oh, but they have the juice in it. Those are fun. Yeah. But you gotta bite through some wax first. Yeah, but that's blowjob training. That's good stuff. It's blowjob training. Here, honey, bite the tip. All right. Oh, my God, there's a juicy surprise. You're welcome. That sounds terrible. That doesn't sound like a good blowjob. A little extra teeth. Bite the whole tip completely off and suck. You guys don't feel anything when they drag the top teeth against it and create racing stripes on the top of your cock like a Ford Mustang? Come on.

How else are you going to go to 88? Gun it. Come on, Doc Brown. They want the cock stripes. I mean, guys that really like Mustangs want the racing stripes on their dick as well. Yeah, from other... I don't like this picture at all anymore. I had a girl once scratch my back so bad that I woke up in the morning and I went out to go get some food and my flatmate was just like, holy shit, did you get attacked by a cat? I'm like, no. He's like, you're bleeding.

I go, excuse me? He goes, you are. I go, she was scratching my back and it kind of hurt, but I was like really giving it to her. So I didn't really mind. He's like, did you enjoy it? I go, no, not really. He goes, good. Cause it doesn't look like your body did. You're fucking leaking, dude. And I'm like, what? And he took a photo of it and it literally looked like everything except for my spine was just red scratch marks. And I was, I was a little bloody. Should we talk about games again? I'm so, I'm sorry. That was scary.

Scary. I can magically make this amazing podcast restart from the beginning and nobody will know about the Big Mummy milkers or me bleeding or the syphilis candy. Oh, okay. Hey, everyone. You didn't drink it after you opened it. Did you just open it and put it down? Yeah, he did. What are you drinking? I'm ranch.

Today I'm drinking a delicious ranch water. Can you do a ranch water ad? Oh, as a wizard? As, with the dragon's penis. I think I can make a real one, actually. That's what I'm knowing. Here we go. I'm a level 37 wizard, and when I'm parched, I reach for ranch water. Delicious, fantastic, and it makes sure that the hordes of zombies that are coming after me are well behind. Ranch water, when you need a dragon's penis. Ha ha ha!

You need a dragon's penis, but you don't have one! I'm fucking dying! I can't stop being an idiot! I can't exhaust me! I can't be central! Oh my god. Wait, you need a dragon's penis, but don't have one. Ranch one.

Oh, fuck, man. This is... I love when we win it with no notes in it. We're like, oh. We're really down. I'm sure this will work. Yeah, this will work. This will work out. This is fine. We'll figure it out. It's like an ATF raid. Your dog's dead and all your shit's gone. What's the worst that can happen? I'm so sorry I ruined your thing. You had a great time here. You were going to be... People were going to know you more. Yeah.

And I didn't shut up and now there's Dragon's penis in Ranchwater. I just didn't have to Ranchwater. I mean, to be fair, at this point, the last like seven episodes have been just about dicks and like the Fast and the Furious. So... Oh, yeah. I never would have watched those. They would have? No, no. Not Fast and the Furious? No. You've never seen them? I'm on...

Five? The Fate of the Furious, which is eight? Seven? I lost track of the numbers. Tokyo Drift ruined me. I love Tokyo Drift. That's one of my favorites. Have you watched past anything? No, since Tokyo Drift, I said never again. Do it! Do it! Because this is the story we talked about because Han dies in Tokyo Drift. The car flips during that wreck. The very end of the movie. Yeah, but doesn't he come back? He's back! Because he was actually assassinated in Fast and Furious 3 by...

Wait, he comes back and he dies? He was defeated in Furious 7. Yeah. Those people know the power of a dragon's penis. But three. Hold on. No. There's...

Too Fast... Okay, there's Fast and Furious. Fast and Furious. Too Fast and Furious. Tokyo Drift. Tokyo Drift, which is actually the sixth movie in this series. Yeah, yeah. Not the third. Oh, stop it with prequels. Let's go with time and the way that they put it out. The way that they put it out is the way that it was. You can't just reverse cancer and be like, whoa, you remember when you got cancer? Yeah. Well, I decided to make...

I decided to edit a video to look like you didn't have it anymore. Now it's clear, right? No, I still got cancer, Greg. The fuck is wrong with you? You still got cancer, Greg? Then there's four, which is... And furious. Which one's too fast, too furious? It's the second one. I'm so lost. Okay, the fast and the furious. Too fast, too furious. Guide me. Fast and the furious Tokyo Drift. And furious.

Which is four. Then there's Fast Five. Yep, that's five. That makes sense. Then there is The Fast and the Furious Six, which is called The Fast and the Furious Six everywhere, but in the movie they call it Furious Six. Yep, Furious Six. And then there's Furious Seven. I nicknamed my penis The Furious Six. Because... Not that good? All right. Six inches. It was mediocre at best. I'm sorry. Just like your dick. Take it.

I said it was the Furious 6. Then there's the Furious 7. I do for me, but that one I didn't do for me, and it made me feel terrible. I was like, what? You looked around for the affirmation. No, it wasn't an affirmation. It was an affirmation that was bad. I looked around. I was like, it was that bad. You say a joke, and it doesn't land. You're like, maybe it'll land a little bit. Say it again. No, yeah. Say it again. That's what I called my dick. Oh, my God.

God damn! Oh, no. That just felt really bad. Now I feel like we're in a Disney movie. Making fun of the, you know. I'm in a wheelchair. You have to laugh at my jokes. I still am. That's why we did it.

Go watch the Fast and the Furious. Just sit down and for like a week, binge one or two of them. Yeah, all of them every day. I don't want to do that. I have other things to do. I would rather masturbate for an hour and a half. Vin Diesel is more important than whatever you're jerking off to. I know he's all about family. Yeah, family is more important than whatever you're doing. Those memes. They got crazy. It's so good. I don't even know what... Do you like The Rock? I like family. Oh, God. Are you DTF? What?

I can't hate that one. No, that's a, that's a solid joke right there.

Fuck Caleb, we haven't even got to talk to you. We got him. You just don't. Oh yeah, I mean, I've been here before. What's the last video game you played? Oh, I play some video games, but it's usually like the big ones that get rated, you know, like 10 out of 10, you know, 9.5 stars out of 10. I didn't finish, but I think I'm at like 90% finishing. Death Falls, Death Stranded. Oh, you actually played Death Stranded? Yeah, I played Death Stranded. I thought it was fun. Are you a Hideo Kojima fan? I don't care.

I don't even want to laugh at that one. I don't. I fucking hate that joke so much. I'm so sorry. I'm such a piece of shit. I'm such a piece of shit. He's flailing yourself with his dragon penis. He's flapping himself. Whipping yourself. Shame. Shame.

I'm telling you, I don't know what it is. I'm just a bad person. I'm so sorry I ruined your show. Oh, my God. And we're going to bring Rich on. You like anime? I haven't watched it in years. Play video games? Death Stranding. You know the guy who created it? I'm going to make a funny joke out of his name. It's Asian. That's hilarious. You guys like checkers? I do. You can touch it and feel it and move it. It's like... Just like... It's the one with my club. I can't remember.

Huh.

Oh, okay. Before Death Stranding, what was the last game you played? Mario Kart 64? No, I'm kidding. You were like, oh, it's 64. I'll buy a PS4 now. I played Warzone. I was having fun with Warzone. And then I started... I made a mistake. I made a mistake. I started playing Warzone. And then I watched guys like TimTheTatMan and Nick something or other. Nick Merckx. Nicholas Merckx. And I just said...

No, no, no. They're getting like 30 kills a game and I don't have a PC. I'm just a game guy. I like to relax. And the closest I think I might have won one game, but it was like I was carried on the back of like definitely two PC gamers that had like

12 kills apiece and I had like six or seven. I was like the guy that was, I'll sacrifice my body to go up the stairs. Yeah, I'll look. Oh, you guys down here? Are they shooting down at you? Allow me to run up and take their fire to my fucking face. And then you can- Flashbang just hold and run up the stairs. Yeah, I'm just kamikaze- Everyone's done, I'm dead. Every time we got into a building, even if there was nobody upstairs, there was me. I've done this all the years.

Guys, I'm out of grenades. Give the idiot more grenades. Give the idiot more grenades. They reloaded me. Get them. They shot all their bullets at me. Get them. Yeah, that was it. They're reloading. I'm dead. They're reloading. And they're like dead. And they're like, wow, you're on the ground. I'm like scooting around like I did good, boss. I did good. I scoot on the ground because my legs don't work so good no more. I was your friend. You remember me? You remember me? Old angry cops down here on the ground.

And then they would lift me up and I'd be like, oh, thank you so much. And they'd get their dropouts. And I knew that I was bad. This is how I knew I was bad. That's a good example. I did it for fun. All right. I did it for fun. It's not about winning. All right. The kids have to learn. No, I'm the kids. I'm the kids. You know, the ones that always get the medals because they showed up.

Whose kids are these? Yeah, I was a participation trophy. They said, throw the participation trophy in the woods. And then I grew up, and here I am. No, I am it. I gained a soul. God said, people need to know what not to be. And here I am. No, I knew I was bad at Warzone when people would get their loadouts. They'd do the drop and get their loadouts. And then everybody would... It happened the one time it was super noticeable. I was like...

They dropped their loadouts and then they dropped some of their guns and then they stayed there. And they just like looked at me and just kept like looking down at the weapon. I was like, oh, but I really like this gun. And they're like,

And I'm like, oh, I should pick up your weapon. And then I pick it up and I go, oh, it's gold plated. Oh, this is nice. And then I started doing better and I realized, oh, they know I'm trash because of the weapon loadouts that I'm using. I should not be here. They're just dragging me around like a five-year-old, like your little brother that's like 10 years younger. You're wearing a monkey backpack at Disney World. They're like, no, we're going on the big boy ride. You're like, what?

I've got the backpack leash on me. Your loadout's a level 5 weapon. I want to go to quarry! Or go into the airport! I loved quarry because I would stand in that building. I was very comfortable with going around the corners and doing well. I was really good in quarry. That's how I describe my warzone experience. I feel comfortable in a warehouse. You remember the layout. I do comfortable around corners.

He's making fun of you, Rich. Punch him in the face. I don't know how he's making fun of me. I'm so dumb with gaming. I don't know. I know. That's what's great. Are you saying camping? Are you calling me a camper? I don't camp. However, I do know how to sit and wait for an opponent to get to me. It's a legitimate strategy. It's called tactical sitting, and it worked for World War II. Ask your grandfather. We just threw flags in the fucking house. It's a sniper.

I'm okay with this. I'm as good at this as I can count. I started to get better when I started to try and do the daily or weekly challenges. Like, hey, use the 50KL. Get this many hits with it. And I started to play around with it. I've never done those. It was fun. Because it gives a little bit more of a challenge to the game. And you try and get different goals. It makes you do other things. Correct. We win. You become a lot more well-rounded. I don't. So...

You hear that, kids? Just go for the win. It's that easy. Just go for the fucking win. Can you just win? Oh, I think of that. Eli, thank you. Wow. Caleb, did you know that? Just go for the win. I love you have one win, and you're like, I remember that. This specific team of random people got me that one W. I jumped up and down. I think I might have won twice, but the first one was, yeah, very exciting.

Why is that? Why are you laughing at me? Caleb, how many games have you won at Call of Duty? Don't say it. Don't make it... I'm only at like a hundred and something. We have you doing challenges and quests. We've never... I could do it. I might have... Like a shitty hero that's doing everything to level up to save the princess. And we're like, we already got that princess, bro. That's how glittering your store lights... That's how they work.

No, you're laughing directly at me to my face. He's spitting on me while he laughs. You wondered why I grabbed the dragon penis because the only thing I could do to try and save me and make me better at gaming is hoping to God that magic is real.

Shut up. Shut up. Try not playing the game so that it's fun for me and just getting shot in the face by assholes with 120 wins. You're an asshole. You're a nice person. He's an asshole. An asshole's friend that's got 120 wins?

I'd rather just try and shoot a .50 cal through three buildings and hit a guy in the head. I love playing. That would be the greatest thing playing with. It's like, what are you doing with that shitty gun? Well, I have this quest right now. It just makes you a better player. No. Do you have two? Okay, maybe don't do those quests. Play.

Play the game. But I get a new shiny gun if I do. Is it helping you? I'm not sure. I don't know what the stats on it are. That's why the people look at you and are like, oh, that's your gun gun. MP7.

That's a good gun. Oh, thank god. You were like, "Batman!" "Batboss!" "Batboss! Wait!" "I was waiting for this affirmation!" Yeah, that's not my gun. I looked at you, you looked at him, and I was like, "Oh, I fucked up." Yeah, he doesn't have to be my war son. I'm just making fun of him. Oh, why don't you pick it on him? Because I know if I picked it up, I would be better than you. Oh, yeah, he plays Tarkov, which is really difficult. If you want a hard game... What a stupid game. I don't even need to play it to be like,

Yes, please dig into Tarkov. I would love this. I need to eat 13 fucking apples to get healthy. Do I need to do this mundane shit or can I play the fucking game? I don't want to be super realistic because I'm escaping reality into your fucking game, you dirty Russian.

You don't want to choose what ammo you have to put in your weapon. I don't even know how the game works. I just know you're trapped in some sort of fucking Ukrainian death land where something exploded and now there's radiation. And now idiots just decide that you can only go one-on-one against the world. And now leave a bag in the middle of the street so your friends can go up to it and be like, oh, free shit. And then they die. I've definitely done that. You just throw a bait bag down. Yeah. Gotcha.

Yeah, but you did that in real life too. You're like, "That's a pretty nice hole in the ground there." How many deployments he has? They spent that much money on him. He's still cooler than me though. Like, he is... "Did you deploy?" "Yeah, twice. Where? Iraq." "You?" "No." "Oh, really? What's your M.O.S.?" "I'm a sniper." You deployed though, right? Yeah. He's still cooler than me. I tried. They canceled the deployment. It's not my fault. You're right. Who needs snipers?

I knew a command that got canceled on getting a deployment and they got so fucking hammered. They drove through Fort Drum with a boat in tow getting hammered on the boat because they weren't allowed to go in the water because they were getting ready to deploy and they didn't want them to drown. So instead of getting on the water and drowning, they just had their friends drive the boat around on land in the lift.

and just got hammered in the back of the boat. And then they were told, hey, your Sergeant Major's like fucking an E-4. You can't deploy anymore. Oh, it was the new unit standing up. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I remember those. So what happened, we were at XTC in like, or no, we were at Drum actually because we used to go for a bunch of shit. And there was like... If you want shit, Drum's full of it. And there was like eight units and they were going to deploy seven or six or six. It was like the top six out of them after XTC or whatever. And our Sergeant Major came to all of us, you know, he was talking to the scouts and he was like, all right guys, so what are we going to do?

We're not gonna be the best, because if we're the best or even the second best, we're probably gonna end up deploying. And you know what? If we're third or fourth or sixth and we don't deploy, that's not so bad. It's 2014 or 13. It's 14 or 13? When did you join? 2009. Oh, okay. 2009 to 15.

I joined during a deployment year, so I missed it. I joined in 09-10. He missed the surge, and then it was after. My reservist unit got deployed and activated more than your active component? No, no, I was in the guard. I was in the guard unit. Oh, were you? Yeah. Vermont? Yeah. Oh, God bless those gentlemen. They couldn't deploy because they all pissed hot. Fucking Bernie Sanders is out there handing out weed brownies. I don't want you to go to war. Smosh it. Here's a brownie. The amount of guys that are in that job crap. Okay.

Oh, God. It was a very strange ratio. Jesus. But yeah, Sergeant Major was like, don't do that good. Just like, all right. And we're like, what? The Sergeant Major was the one that was actually like, yeah. Our Sergeant Major. Your snipers look really nice, but they miss half the time. That's not what a sniper's supposed to do. It was just like...

I kinda want you to be a dungeon master for a game of D&D, but like each one of us that like picks a different character has to be like also in the mindset of a different level of rank.

We just replay a military unit and you're the D. Oh, that is so good. Private Eli gets a DWI. Sergeant Rich has to come bail me out on a Friday super pissed. Drill Sergeant High accidentally punches his daughter in a drunken super. We're rolling for real. I said, you know I'm going to bed. Roll a 12. Yeah, I roll a 10. Yeah, I roll a 10. Do I have to blow? Yeah.

Do I get arrested or does my MP buddy let it slide? Roll a natural 20. Boom! I can go home. Caleb's asleep with a Sark Major's daughter. Does he find out? Mm-hmm.

Does he get herpes? Yeah, you roll a D1, you get herpes and cock. Damn it. Oh, no. Double whammy. Pregnant. One, that's pregnancy. Oh, God. Herpes, she's pregnant, and the commander finds out.

But because it's D&D, it's like an orc she's pregnant with. Oh shit! She's an orc. That's it! I'm a Staff Sergeant Paladin. Holy shit! You're a captain, but it's like... She's sleeping with the orcs! Oh fuck. That there is blood magic. I don't want to be funny! Yeah!

That's such a good one-off campaign where we just play soldiers. Dropped into DNA. I'm an 87-year-old E7. Sergeant First Class. I should have retired 25 years ago, but I'm a cook. 15-year E4. I haven't retired for 30 years, but they brought me back for the initial push. I'm Sergeant First Class. Dusty Bones.

Not even playing D&D, just thinking about it. We're not doing the deployment leading up to the deployment. That's all we're trying to get to is to deploy. You never can, though. Every time something happens, there's always like a, oh, a bunch of girls would miss it. You open up the app order. You're going to NTC in Louisiana. What do you do? Suicide awareness program. It's sharp.

We need three of you to take your life so we don't have to go to trading. But I'm a mage, so I can bring you back to life. It is the perfect sham. I roll. Natural 17. It's a one. We've been caught. We're in the brig. But a new game has elapsed. We must escape Fort Leonardwood. There's a minotaur. A minotaur? We're in Leavenworth, in prison. There's a minotaur guarding the gates. He's an MP. He's an MP.

A military police minotaur. An MMP. Military minotaur police. He has a large swath of keys on his hip. Front or back. One's a decoy. Which one do you grab? You, the battalion jester. You have a sniper. You are a sniper. You have a sniper in the brig. You are a sniper.

And yet, you are very brilliant. What do you roll? Let's see what Batty goes with. I want to see what enchantment he's going to do. Against the minotaur, military police officer. Batty, this takes a d20. Are we rolling a d20? What are you rolling for? The camera shut off. What are you rolling for? Jesus Christ. Batty's just moving that fucking camera all about. Shut off the election. Check the screen. Click it out.

Dude, I'm not gonna lie, it's been 40 minutes. Like, I gotta make sure, like, I leave at 3. I've been crying laughing. Like, three times. Three times I've cried. Here we go. Battalion sniper, rows, a six. You're fucked. You reach for the keys. Not only is it the wrong one, still, it's a military police minotaur.

Don't look at me! He wh- He grabs the front and you squeeze the- That was your penis. He horns you in the face. The sniper. He punches you in the face. With a hoof. He hooks you in the face. As a sniper, you roll a nine. For insight, you see the right keys. You grab the keys, but the minotaur is very much awake. And he stomps your face in with a hoof punch. Roll for damage. I need to roll for damage.

It was like a D12. I'm rolling for damage. It's a five. You're unconscious. He laughs at you and immediately walks away. He's used to beating idiots. End game. You're in the break. Oh, my God. Oh, that hurts myself. We need to do that 100%. My face hurts. It can be funny, yeah. You can't do that because you're unconscious. That's from the punch. I'm sorry.

But you're raised from the dead because of the beautiful powers of the dragon penis. I just want that animated fucking batty region for keeping both punches up in the face. Oh my god. I'm Minotaur. And you're unconscious. Unconscious. It's so realistic. It's like, Jiggle, huh? Exactly. We're like...

Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus Christ. The dragon. Oh, Jesus. Has he turned into a zombie? No, he's just that fucked up. You need a fucking potion. Yeah, Zebra have a potion. You now wear the mark of...

You wear the mark of the horse. Plus two magical powers. Zero brain skills. You lose minus two for insight because you're now retarded. The rest of the game. You had to talk with Liz. I'm a sniper. That's all he repeats over and over again.

I need you to go to the top of the mountain and shoot. Yes, I know. But shoot the Taliban. Yes. It's 100 meters below us. But the windage is 230. He understands. I speak. I'm a sniper. I'm a sniper. I was close enough to the entry, man.

I know how to speak sniper. I'm a sniper. I'm a sniper. He says that he's got 350 rounds. He's ready to go. 50 caliber. Already trained on target. He's got a 1,200 meter range. I'm a sniper. 1,500 range. 1,500. 1,500. 1,500. He shoots your teammate. Oh, damn it. Oh, damn it. Give me the time. Give me the time. Yeah.

You're done. Oh, yeah, Batty has to roll the shot. Batty has to roll the shot. No, no, no. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. You walk into the compound. You have a negligent discharge. It's a negligent discharge. You fire a 50-kilo sniper rifle directly into Caleb. It offers two damage. You're alive. He grazed you. However, super pissed off. Batty, take a shot at the enemy forces.

He sees two Taliban moving an RPK. It's a three. He misses horribly. Everybody makes fun of them and throws their MRE packets at him. You shoot Caleb in the chest. I'm a sniper. Then you shoot Caleb for 16 damage. I'm a sniper. There's a truck. My whole leg's gone. There's a truck.

He still gives a thumbs up. Got him. Your only confirmed kill is your battle buddy. Blue on blue. I don't know what happened today, but I apologize. I apologized three times already. We incorporated. Mommy milkers.

Yeah, I do. Rich, can you roll a d20 for the apology? See how effective it is. I have to offer an apology. One. I'm scared because there's an army of nerds waiting to dox me. With the power of the dragon penis, I curse to die in my favor. It's a three. You're canceled. Oh, no.

We have Eli DoubleTap. We got Caleb Francis. We're Grizzly Puncher on Twitch. And Angry Cops. Newly fired. Newly fired. He's just angry guy now. If anyone has any job opportunities, Angry Cops is going to need one very soon. Batty stream security detail for you. It'll be great.