Shownotes Transcript
I closed my eyes hoping we'd all do it at once, but we didn't. So that's cool. I'm glad to hear our periods aren't synced. Hey guys. Hey guys. Donut here. Hi everyone. Batty operator here. Streams. Fappy operator. Fappy streams. Eli Double Nut.
Boner operator. Boner operator. Fappy streams, Eli Double Nut and boner operator. There we go. That's definitely a gay porno somewhere. Our porn is going to be so good. Speaking of gay porn, Brood in Texas.
I heard there's only steers and queers in Texas. Ranch water for when you're drinking with the boys. Ranch water. Brokeback water. Brokeback. Oh, no. Carbock. Thank you. It's weird. Carbock. More like come back.
It's weird that our podcast isn't doing better, huh? Really taking off with these frontal ads. We should move these to the rear. Man, we have a list of things to talk about, which a majority of we're not going to talk about. No. No, we'll get to like one or two. There's a couple of smaller things on here, though, and we're usually we can run through. We can just lightning round. Go.
Douchey baddie stuff. That's the first thing on the list. Douchey baddie stuff? Douchey baddie, baddie matching tattoo. Fucking cool. Baddie first time sleeping with man. Baddie streams. There's some good topics right now. Which one do you want to start with? So the other day on stream, so I work with G Fuel on my stream, right? And I had somebody on my stream, another streamer named Genicles, and she loves G Fuel shit. Genitals? Genicles. I literally...
You said genitals. It's genitals.
It's a cool name. It sounds like genitals. Yeah, I'm aware. She did a phenomenal job. She sounds like cock and balls and vaginas. Go. She loves G Fuel, and G Fuel stopped making this one flavor. And I was like, oh, that's crazy. I work with G Fuel. I immediately started. I opened a DM with her. I was like, hey. And I opened a DM with my G Fuel. I'm like, can you get me this flavor? It's called Nemesis Tea. And he's like, yeah, I'll send you a 12-pack case tomorrow. She hasn't been able to get it forever. I'm like, perfect. I'm going to blow it up in front of her. Thanks. And that's it.
I'm just going to get this flavor that nobody can get and just send a DM and maybe just like shooting it with a 50. Oh my God. Perfect. Dude, there was that. Oh, do she batty stuff like that? That's the person. Yeah. Fuck you, Jen. That's like if they had. Okay. So I don't even remember who makes this energy drink at this point in my life, but it was my go-to, you know, how my Zion says, yeah. Cherry line. Shout out to black rifle. You need them.
I don't know. Stop. We just watched the two brain cells Eli's have that normally connect. I mean, they connect every now and then. There's still only two of the motherfuckers. I'm going to just shout out Black Rifle after everything we talk about. Yo, love Final Fantasy XIV. Speaking of which. Speaking of Final Fantasy XIV. I have a copy. You can shout out to them for that product. Yeah.
No. Fucking ranch water. Shout out to Black Rifle Coffee. When's Black Rifle making alcoholic drinks? There's lead slingers for that. That's true. But when are they going to make a good alcoholic drink? Hey, their whiskey's deep. I do like their main one. Matt, that's batty. You can fight him again if you want. We know how that last fight went. I took it like a champ.
Speaking of the third topic. Oh, this is going to be a fiery episode. I'm already, I'm good. I'm loving it. The Eddie drinks broke back water. But there was one energy drink that I forget the fucking company, but it was like,
My pinnacle. It was my science of the time. Was it Guru? No. Have you ever had Guru? It's another healthy energy drink. My old company used to sell them a lot. When I worked for a dealer, the fancy IT, we're pretending to be Google. We had a cafe and they only sold healthy shit. They sold Guru. I used to like, I brought stock up in Guru because I drank so much of that shit. This is my go. This is every time I go.
I get it. This is in like LA, Texas, like way back in the day. And then they stopped. And it was a big company. I just forget which one made it. You good? Yeah. Okay. And then I started seeing it less and less. I was like, well, that's weird. This is like the best energy drink ever. Why would they not have more of it? And now it's completely gone. And I've not seen one in like three or four years. It's the most heartbreaking thing for me. It's like Pepsi blue.
You ever have Pepsi Blue? Oh, shit. Yeah. Oh, my God. Absolutely. Do you remember that? That's a throwback. That was 2001, 2000.
God, imagine how much one of those cans would sell for. I should get one. It'd probably burn through your stomach lining if you tried to drink it right now. It'd be bad. That's what normal Pepsi does. You're not wrong. There's probably dog shit on that you just stuck in your ranch water. Because I was throwing it at the... I love you told him after he took a drink. I didn't think about it until I looked at it and was like... You just audible this is what they're going to hear.
There's probably dog shit on there. I had my throwing knife board out back and I was trying to hit it with that one day. Do you have a knife on you? No. Do you have a knife on you? No, why? I just want to cut the top off of it and just drink out of the can. I'm sure the poot's already... Yeah, it's been sitting there for a while. The poot's gone. I mean, I put worse shit in my body. You've eaten ass before, right? Speaking of which, your girlfriend. Damn!
Judy, chop to the throat. This is just going to be one of those episodes. This is why we don't drink before the episode. We drink before every episode. I know, but to the degree. Have we ever done a sober podcast? No. Yeah. I mean, we don't get sloshed, but yeah, we do get a little buzzy. They made some good drinks at that Mexican restaurant. Dude, those mojitos at, what's it? El Deco. El Deco. El Deco. Yeah.
And then you can see all of San Antonio from their back patio. Beautiful view. So when you're drunk, you can be like, oh, you're in the castle. And the food's good, too. It's fantastic. Okay, douchey batty stuff. Moving into one of my favorite stories, which we've got to tell on stream. Yeah, we told it on stream. Were you there? Or was it me, you, and Kings? Yeah, it was Kings as part of it. Remember him? Remember our friend Kings? Me neither.
So, I kind of, I guessed King's story though. Oh yeah, it was super easy. Yeah, I was like, wait, sending a picture in the thing. And then, uh! Yeah. I was like, okay, here we go. But Batty's story. Guys, if you don't know, Batty is a man of many tattoos. A couple. One or two. One or two. Most of them don't make any sense. Most of them aren't good. Neither of yours. Okay, that one's really good. And this cover-up's going amazing. Yeah, but the rest are not.
So my entire arm, only half of my tattoos aren't good. Only half a bicep isn't good. I was just trying to get Eli self-conscious a little bit so he'd start defending all of his tattoos. I don't have to. And this is trash. That's why they're covering it. Batty! Okay, we're going back. Batty has a heart on his arm. It says...
It's like a little candy heart. Like when you go around Valentine's Day, you can get those little hearts that say like, hug me, kiss, I love you. Suck my cock. Suck my cock. Eat me. Which is an actual one, by the way. That's what I'm getting soon. But I got one that says not you inside the heart. It's like a little pink heart on my arm. It's the shape of these little three, those little candies. And I got it because I thought it was cheeky and fucking funny. And I have plans on getting two other ones around it.
How do I even start this fucking story? Rewind. So, Batty was single. Yeah, Batty was single. Back in, like, November and when I first moved here in December, I was playing the old Tinders, you know? And I had went on a couple dates. Literally a couple dates with this one chick. If Tinder was bowling pins, Batty was a bowling ball. Yeah, no, that's pretty fair. He was smashing bitches. I was fucking...
I was not. I wore condoms. And I went on a couple dates with this one chick. And things just didn't click 100%, whatever. She brought her five-year-old kid or some shit to a date, and that got weird. Like, I'm sorry. Everyone jokes about calling me baddie daddy. I don't want to be baddie daddy after two fucking dates. Yeah.
And I didn't ghost her, but like I semi-ghosted her. Like I got really sick for all of January. I just shut off my life for fucking the end of December, January and halfway through February. Yeah, you were fucked up. Yeah, I was super sick. So I was like, nah, I don't want to see you or anybody anymore unless it's somebody else.
You have poltergeist-ed her. Congrats. I did. Like, I was like, I just didn't make the effort to try to make time for her. I didn't just block her and ignore her, though. Either way. American horror story. It's a ghost that just like... I think it was... It leaves for a little bit and comes back. It knocks over a table. Leave. Fuck. That's bad. He's ghosting. Go on. And then he gets a tattoo. I'm gonna need another beer for this fucking story. So either way...
Like, I think it was early, it was mid-February, just after my birthday, I was looking at silly tattoo ideas, and I saw a picture of a tattoo of, like, the little candy heart, and it said the typical shit like, eat me, I love you, whatever, and I was like, oh my god. And I got one that said, not you. Like, a little heart, and in the heart it says, not you, because I'm funny and cheeky and I'm a dumb cunt. Well, fast forward fucking to last week, right? Last week, a week and a half ago? Yeah.
I had forgot I still was following her Instagram and I'm just blasting through Instagram stories. Then all of a sudden I see a fucking story of hers and it's the same tattoo. Exact same. Sam with the same wording. Not you. The same color. The same.
The little three. I was like, oh. So, of course, I did the reasonable adult thing, and I took a screenshot of it, and he immediately sent it to Eli and Cody. Before I had a meltdown, being like, what the fuck? Like, whatever. Maybe she just liked the idea. Cool. It's a funny tattoo. But goddamn, I just did that three months prior or some shit. I don't know how you can say that's a funny tattoo and be like, you know, that guy...
The ghost of me? Semi-ghost of me. Months ago. Months ago. He has the same tattoo. I should get this. Full send. I should probably do this. Jeebus. So? The level of disappointment. Dude, I was so upset. Like, I've never had a tattoo ruined. Like, I have dumb tattoos all over me, and I love them. But I'm looking at this thing now like, it was supposed to be a funny, silly, dumb tattoo. And now it's just like, here we go again.
I hate it so much. So, well, there we are. That's where I'm at. There's my dumb tattoo story. Thankfully, they're only permanent. Fuck! Guys, in the comments below, let us know your dumbest or weirdest tattoo incidents. We would like to discuss that in the next episode. Also, if you want to go get a heart tattoo with not you. I posted on Twitter like an hour ago. I was like, hey, who wants to get matching tattoos?
This is perfect. See? There you go. We on to something. Guys, if you want to get a little pink heart that says not you on it, I need you to do that ASAP and then post it on Instagram and Twitter and tag me in it so I can feel better about this. Help me feel better about this. I'll go do it for you. You're going to do it? I'll do it. All right. I'm not. Definitely not. Eli, you have a fist in the monster logo on your leg. Shut the fuck up. Yeah. See, that's you.
I got you bro. Okay now. What else is on the dumb list of dumb today? Well I think the hot tub stream thing is really... Ooh okay so recently there has been a trend of dumb co- sorry uh other people streaming in hot tubs um whether they are men or women
A lot of women doing it. In bikinis on Twitch sitting in hot tubs. And when I say hot tubs, I mean a little tiny inflatable pool in their fucking living rooms so they can get around Twitch's TOS guidelines and wear a bathing suit on Twitch. Yeah, because normally you can't just sit in front of your computer and wear a skimpy bikini. But given the context of a hot tub or a body of water, you can wear in your living room. In your living room.
then it's okay it's super 100 okay i'm gonna go buy a fucking bikini and i'm gonna wear that i'm gonna sit in a small inflatable pool and just jerk off like what the fuck man i won't i will okay i never knock it's like make your money do your thing you're like but own it be like don't be like defending your yourself with that mindset like just be like oh yeah i did because if i was doing that i'd fucking own it i'd be like fuck yeah i do this because
It's fucking easy money. Bunch of dudes fucking watch me. And this is how I'm going to do this and advertise. A $5 to Twitch is a lot easier than a $5 to Pornhub. That's all I'm going to say on the credit card statements. You don't know how fucking hard I worked for this, honey. Unflank that. Okay. This, I've been struggling and now I find my calling. The amount of work and sacrifice I have made. And you're like, no, don't defend it. Just fucking just own it.
And it's okay. Don't say you're talented, though. For the love of God, do not own that. This is talent and work and sacrifice. That's not it. Yeah. You hot. It's weird. And then people were complaining about it, and Twitch came out and made an official statement. And they were like, it's not against our rules to be sexy. And that was in their statement. I was so happy. They straight up said, we're not going to punish people for being found sexy. I was like...
I can be sexy on Twitch now. Like, what the fuck, man? Like, I understand Twitch isn't just a gaming platform anymore. And I know there's just an insane amount, a plethora of different types of content
But if you're just sitting in a fucking little fake blow-up tub, like, fuck it. You know, an actual hot tub. Cool. You're doing that. Own it. But if you're sitting in a little inflatable fucking pool in your living room writing people's names on your fucking ass cheeks, like, I don't get it. Like, it's...
Guys, sorry. We're just some incels that I just need to get rid of. I'm clearly an incel. I'm not sitting here being like, I understand. I'm not mad that they're taking my subs or my followers. It's a different type of content. It doesn't infringe or affect me in any way, shape, or form.
It's just... God, would I do that, though, for those paychecks? Dear fuck, yeah, absolutely I would. I definitely would. As big as my tits are, they are not that big. I would have that as my donut girl. I'd be like, 20 grand to see how big we go, boys. What's the limit? I would be an anime girl. Full through.
And I'd let the boys pick how modified I am. It would be a build your own bot. No, build a character at the beginning of an RPG. That would be me on Twitch. Build a bitch workshop. It's a slider bar of how big my tits are. And then ass. Just like a... Oh, man. Jeez. That would have so much fun.
Yeah, there you go. Twitch made it. So moral of the story, Twitch made a new category because normally when you're doing silly hot tub streams or spas and pools or whatever the fuck they called it, you would be in the just chatting section of Twitch, which is where people go to just bullshit online or do things that don't fall under gaming categories. So they made a new category called the hot tubs, pools and spas or something like that or hot tubs, pools and beaches. I don't.
So check us out in a couple weeks where we will be doing that. Oh, yeah. We are absolutely going to do that. Yeah, the hot tub's actually getting fixed here at my house tomorrow. So we're going to be doing a hot tub stream here soon. Give me like a week and a half, two weeks. I have like some abs. I have one singular abs. Give me like two months.
I'm ready tomorrow. I mean, I'm going to wear a fucking speedo, cock and balls, ginger fur hanging out the sides. Let's go. I just picture your beard, but in your crotch. I hate it. It's five inches long. I hate it so much. You guys want to see my beard? No, my other beard. It's weird. You guys think my beard is big. What do you see my balls beard? Oh, I hate it so much. God damn it. Speaking of hot tubs, um,
let's talk about the X's. Oh, X-Men first class is probably one of the best. X-Men first class.
There was X-Men First Class, but the OG trilogy, really good. But Logan, which is not one of the X's. Technically, it's not one of the X's. But it's still one of the best in the franchise because they were hard art with it. Yeah, because it was hard art. He was cutting people's heads off and shit the entire movie. And then you have the little girl. I don't want to ruin it.
The little girls cutting people's heads off to like the very first scene with her she cuts a guy's head off and then takes his head out and throws it out. Yeah, you're like huh. Oh, that's how this movie is going to be. Now talking about X's that suck, Xenomorphs. I mean we can't say that. Aliens was one of the greatest movies of our generation. Which one? Fighting one would suck. Oh yeah, okay. Fighting a xenomorph, yeah that would absolutely suck. I thought we were talking about like just xenomorphs as a whole. They're one of the coolest little fucking critters.
You know, James Cameron? James Cameron. Well, the original one was the dude that did Black Hawk Down. Explosion Man. Michael Bay. No, not Michael Bay. It was Scott. Something Scott. Ridley Scott. Ridley Scott. Scott Free. Because that's the bird. Yep. Ridley Scott did the original Alien.
Really? Yeah. So Alien was done by Cameron. The second one was done by James Cameron. Gotcha. Okay. So he took, Ridley Scott did the original one, which was like a horror movie. And then James Cameron was like, I'm adapting this to a horror action. And that's why it's like, it's completely different than the first one. Both phenomenal stories and really good. But fighting that X would suck. Xenomorphs are just the worst. They're not great. Did you guys like Prometheus? Yes.
I loved Prometheus. I thought it was really cool. A lot of people didn't like it, though. I also... You never saw it? You don't like it? I don't like it. Why don't you like it? What was the other one? Prometheus? And then there was... It shows the origin of the aliens. Oh, well, that was Prometheus. Yeah, Prometheus was the origin to aliens, but then there was a second one, which was like a sequel-ish. There was Prometheus, and then there was... There was another in the aliens anthology. Bob. That's what it was. Bob. Prometheus and Bob. Prometheus.
Prometheus was like that fucking like... I liked Prometheus. Like the ship rolling in a straight line. She's like, she ran in a straight line. Okay, if something's falling, it's a long singular tube like object cylinder or whatever that's falling straight down. Left or right are your friends. If you run straight, you're a fucking idiot and you deserve to be crushed. What was the other one? There was Prometheus and there was another one. What was the second one? There was a follow-up to it. My brain doesn't work. You had the phone. It's not working. Oh, yeah, it did. Okay.
Prometheus, blank, alien, aliens, aliens, three, which was terrible. Which one was the one where they had like the white xenomorph that got sucked out the little tiny hole in the space? Was that three? No, that was alien insurrection, resurrection. Resurrection? Yeah, like fourth or fifth ones. Because they had the Ripley with the mom. The mother of it? Yeah. Yes. That was like four. Four-ish? Yeah. Because three was the terrible one. I just remember there being a little hole in the space. Yeah. It was like...
He got sucked out that bitch. Yeah, and his little skull was like... And then... Gone. Was it Alien Resurrection? No. Maybe? I don't think it was called Aliens. Type Prometheus 2. Type Aliens movie anthology. Or Prometheus 2. I hate that. It was Aliens Covenant. Oh, yeah, Aliens Covenant. There it is. Roger. There was that one. That was like the more badass. That's like the Xenomorphs coming into frame. And you're like, oh, this is gangster. Aliens... Dude, Prometheus like...
I will give Prometheus had the best marketing campaign out of... I didn't know it was an Aliens movie. Exactly. Because they had like Waylon talking. He's like, who chased the fire? Or the sun, the Greek god that was Prometheus. I'm a fucking idiot. Prometheus was the god. Again, we're talking about Eli's two little brain. That right there, they're like... What was Prometheus? That god in Prometheus. I can't fucking name.
But Waylon talking about that on that stage, and then they also had the HAL robot AI talking. The original guy. Yeah. Have you watched those? Dude, bro, they are the best pieces of marketing for a movie I've ever watched. The only time I think I've seen a movie with better marketing was the original Cloverfield.
Like all the little mini games and websites and trailers and teasers that came up to the original Cloverfield, like the monster. Like all the shit that involved the deep sea mining company that found the monster and trying to piece together. The marketing for the original Cloverfield movie was fucking insane. I'd love one company to do that shit. It's like Blair Witch. Viral marketing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Blair Witch was like, yo, these people died.
Yeah. For real, they died. They spent like $10,000 on the movie and ended up making hundreds of millions. That's when you're like, that's what happened with the... Paranormal Activity, the first one. $30,000 to make that, and they made $600 million. On the first one, not the sequels. Okay, let's not talk about the sequels. But the sequels still, they like, homeboys made cash. They still crushed it, yeah, with the sequels. They just set up a bunch of shitty fucking IP cams around the corner of the house, put them in night mode, and were like, well...
Do your part now, actors, because we're not actually filming anything. I'm an artist. I would never. That was a lot of zeros. Okay, whatever the fuck you guys want. It's just like streaming a hot tub. Yep. See how we compare to streaming a hot tub. Low effort, high payout.
But we would all do it. Yeah, sell out so fast. I mean, in a heartbeat. I've already said it. Like, I'm going to cannonball my ass into this motherfucker's lap when the hot tub is going. I don't give a shit. It's like adding those zeros. It's like, how many times do they have to add one in order for you? Everyone's got a number. Everyone. Everyone. Mine's much lower than most. Speaking of which. Oh, no.
The app that turns your friends into females. Oh, I was just thinking that. How many shots? So we came across an Instagram post or a TikTok post, and this guy's like, he's showing pictures of his friends, and he's like, how many shots would it take to sleep with my friends if they were females? And so there's that face...
It's called FaceApp. It'll basically turn you... If you're a dude, it'll turn you into a chick. If you're a chick, it'll turn you into a dude using your face structure, your bone, your hair, whatever. And it will make you pretty and or very fucking ugly. So we're going to play this little game called How Many Shots Would It Take You To Sleep With Your Bros If They Were Chicks? I don't know. So if you're listening to this, I will do my best to describe how fucking awful and or beautiful...
My friends are. I want to throw up. All right. We didn't have a good picture of you without a beard. Yeah, so we grabbed an old picture of me. Let's test it with the beard, though. Did you send me the old picture? Yeah, it's in our text group. Yeah, so they use these apps. Like, I've tried the Remove Your Beard app. Dude, it adds, like, seven inches to my neck. I have a double chin. It's not even a double chin. It's, like, a little. Then my neck just grows a beard.
It's like a neck colored beard. It's a disgust. My beard is too big to do any of those. This is the apps. It just doesn't know how to function with. So you want to do baddie without a beard first? No, let's not start with me. Let's start with Patty. Okay. So if you're listening to this, you're going to want to go over to YouTube and look up the unsubscribe podcast and check out episode 17, which is going to be a disaster. Oh my God. God. I will say Patty had a jaw. I have a hell of a jawline. I really do. No, I still do. It's there.
I had it before I had my beard and I've done nothing but lose weight. So like, dude, bad dude. Okay guys, if baddie worked out homeboy, just tell me I'd be sexy. It's okay. You can say it. Two drinks. It hasn't turned me into a woman yet. I just need to make that very clear. Very clear. It's still a dude.
We might have to cut some of this up because this is... Wait, how long? Is this processing the whole thing? Oh, my God. It's processing the whole thing. This is a low-res photo, and it's just struggling. We'll just keep talking right now. Batty's jawline, super strong. He's like an Ed Sheeran that worked out. Ed Sheeran? He's got a square face. I don't have a square face at all. He doesn't have a square face. Oh, there we go. What the fuck? It just put hair on. Exactly.
Look at my lips! I look like my sister! You look like a dude that skateboards. Yeah. You look like Jay from Jay and Silent Bob. It like added like dips into my cheeks, pursed my lips a little bit.
I'm not. Oh, man, that's a lot. That is some drinks to go. I'm sorry, Patty. That's my sister. My sister's name is Patty. Patty, this doesn't relate to you. It looks just like you. Your sister's redhead named Patty? No, she's not a redhead. Okay, I was going to say, your family's fucking assholes. Oh, that's rough. I mean, I understand if you're going to say blackout drunk because that's just me. I'm going to be on that verge of.
blackout and I'm definitely you might remember me the next morning is what you're saying well my pee pee is not working this entire time I've definitely passed the point of my penis is functioning I look like I'd fuck you I'd fuck me
This girl. I'd fuck me. God, though, Patty. Oh, man. That one's a little better. Yeah, but she's going to bitch about stuff. Oh, yeah. She's definitely bitchy. She's very angry. You aren't eating me, Jamison. Make sure you take screenshots of both of those so we can put them up on the YouTube video. Oh, God. You look. You know what I'm saying?
I look like I snowboarded the Olympics, but I'm still kind of a... Who was the UFC fighter girl? Oh, my God. Ronda Rousey. Ronda Rousey. Oh, shit. That does sound like Ronda Rousey. It's the strong jawline. Yeah. Like, female baddie's going to tap you out at the bar. It's like, what do you mean you're already blacked out? More shots. Oh, man. Here is baddie with a beard. So that last photo was from... Oh, my God.
Holy shit. So baddie is majoring in gender studies. You guys remember that movie Brave from Disney? I look like Brave from Disney. I'm Merida, but like I'm majoring in women's fucking studies or something. Gender studies. It's gender studies.
Oh my god, we got a screenshot. It's so good. Merida goes to college. How many shots? I would sleep with other baddie before I slept with this second baddie. Okay, but you have to... How many shots? I'd have to be close to blackout for that. And then again, like you said, my pee-pee probably wouldn't work. No, she'd make it work. God, you know she has a... I mean, she wouldn't care. She'd fuck herself. It looks like...
I hate myself. It's like she has a bomb head. You know she works for it. It's a rare thing. So she's really... That's one of the girls my dad used to tell me practice on. Practice on this one. Oh, no. That one's a little better. That one adds the hair on the left side. Yeah, okay. That added a little hair. Okay, screenshot that. We need all of these. Okay. Batty with a beard 2.
Yo, she's definitely not a baddie. I would definitely sleep with that one over the first one. Holy fuck. My face hurts. Oh my god. Okay, who's next on the list? Okay, moving on. Are we going to do Donut next? I want to do Donut next. This is fucking awful. Did you screenshot that one? Yeah, I got it. I'm going to make a video about this. That one caught me so off guard. I was not expecting that. I was like, hold!
I don't like the picture you took of me, but we're gonna go with it. You look beautiful. No, I don't. You look so beautiful, stop it. Just watch though. I'm so ready. God give you, I want you to have like a bottle. Turn into Karen? I just feel like you deserve to be called a Karen after how many Karen fucking bingos you've done. Oh, God, no. Is that your sister? No, my sister is way bigger than that. Yeah. All right, Eli, how many shots?
I haven't seen it really. I caught a glimpse. It's like a shitty Lady Dimitri. Like a Walmart version of Lady Dimitri. You got big cheeks. Let's go to... Let me go second. We need to pick like one or two. You need a number for Donut One. Oh, see? Donut Two. Makeup Donut. This is what you wake up to. That's what you're taking home to the bar though. How many shots? God damn it. Let me see.
Like, legitimately, how many shots? I know. I'm doing the math. I'm doing the math. Drinking math. Okay. Where am I at right now? One, two. I'm at three drinks right now, and I want to sleep with her. I mean, so. That's not counting. Mathematically speaking. Oh, man. That's where I've been drinking a lot today, and you don't look that bad, don't I? I'm going to need a cup. I mean, like, we're talking like.
Maybe. It depends on the person. Does it have your personality? Absolutely. Yes. Oh, like eight drinks. I'm definitely banging. Yes! That's what I want to hear! That was not too bad. You have beautiful eyes. I just need to point that out. You have wonderful eyebrows and eyes. You definitely get them worked. The lips. Ooh, girl, you suck a mean dick. Yeah. Dude. I mean, I'm with Eli. If she's got your personality...
Six seven shots. Yeah, I'm gonna be like buzz walking up and she's like, yeah, I fucking love Pokemon and anime I'm like, you know, it's like one more. I've been in a drought recently Let's let's see where the night takes us. The other bitch was talking about gender studies. So I'm over that. Yeah, god fuck I'm just kind of curious. I want to try one more from a different angle. We got another one. Oh the bandana I'm curious to be
Oh, wait. Number two. That looks exactly like John's mom. Screenshot that. And we're going to need that one. All right, come on. Number two. Okay, this is like three or four. Okay, okay. Three or four. Like, that'd be a mistake I'm willing to make. Those piercing eyes. Piercing eyes, yeah. Because it's like Batman, you're waking up to that. You're like, oh, the makeup came off. Number two has been better than number one this entire time. Because it's the makeup.
Oh, it adds makeup. See, that's crazy that women are prettier with makeup on. I'm kidding. I'm sorry. I didn't say that. That was bad. I'm a piece of shit. But like that one?
Yeah, that's like four. That is a mistake I'm willing to make. Absolutely. That looks just like John's biological mom. Does it? Yeah, basically. Oh, my God. It's a dream. We got that one. We screenshot that one. Screenshot the fuck out of that. Who do you want to do next? Who do you want to do, Matty B? We got to do Eli. We got to do Eli. We got to do Eli, yeah, of course. We got to do the trio first. Eli's going to look beautiful. It's not even fair. I already know it. We'll see. There we go. Right there.
That's a pretty shit. Oh, wait. We did take bad pictures of that lighting. We'll go back and get another picture of you, Eli. Let's try it. Let's see what we got here with Eli. Unmakeuped Eli. Here we go. How much hair is he going to give you? I don't know with his glasses. Okay, so this is also a thing to remember. Eli's already short, so he's already the perfect size to be a woman. Four foot one. Hey, you don't actually go that bad at all.
WHAT?! This is bullshit. And that's the un-makeup twist? Yeah. Oh, screw you. Fucking kidding me?! I don't think I would have to... I would take like two shots to get the butt thrown. I would drink a beer and I'd be like, "You're hot." Oh my gosh, she's hot! Damn. What the fuck?! I know, I'd sip on a beer for that. Jesus, Eli. Eli, would you fuck yourself? Yeah! Oh damn.
Guys, Eli's hot. Okay? When Eli finally transitions. Minus the traps. Yeah, minus the traps. You just go to the gym. It's fine. She's fucking a skier. She's good, you know? I'm mad. I'm so mad. Why did they give you the... You have a beautiful jawline. You do. The perfect woman's chin in that, too. So we were saying that clean is going to be the hottest out of all of us. Yeah, we thought clean was... I don't know. It's going to come down between, I think, clean and Eli. Clean.
I'm so mad right now. I want to see. Oh, we got it. Okay. This isn't fair. I didn't set a chance. I have a massive beard. This is bullshit. Okay. Let's get one more. We'll get Eli without a, yeah, just one more. Okay. That, oh, you had that one. I'm mad. I'm mad. I'm mad. I'm mad. Yeah. I got that one just because that was a good front picture of you. Yeah. I love a good full frontal. Yeah. That one. Yeah. Yeah. Let's try that one. Let's see what we got.
Again, if you're listening to this right now, you're going to want to make your way over to YouTube to find this. Oh, yeah. It's still hot. It's not as good as the other one. It's like aged. Yeah, you're a little bit aged in that one. You're an older Eli. Still pretty good looking, man. Good job. Good job being a chick. I was trying. Man, dude, see?
My hot tub streams would fucking smash. Yeah. I'm going to get you a wig for Christmas. Ours wouldn't. Ours. Maddie's definitely going to be like, why do I have two viewers? No, I'm good. Dude, I'd still pull a solid 20. I'm a ginger. We're rare. I don't want to hear it. Oh, my God. I could be an ugly ginger and still pull viewers.
Okay, so now we're doing with who I don't want to go through any of those. Yeah, we don't want to look through Donut's phone. There's a lot of dick pics in there. Hold on. Go to gallery. We have Maddie B. Let's do clean room. No, clean class. Okay, so we got Caleb in here. Caleb. Oh, man. Caleb could be. This could go either way. Guys, this podcast is just.
This is where we've been. So we got Caleb Francis. Oh. He's a big girl. Well, right now, Batty would be hit on before. Suddenly, Batty ain't looking so bad. We found the grenade in the group. What's the chick's name from Shrek? Fiona? Shrek? Shrek. Yeah, he's just a big old girl. Sorry, Caleb. Still kind of pretty, but... No, he's not. What?
It's a meaty jaw. There is a lot of power in them jaws. I would have to be blackout drunk. Which isn't saying a lot. I blackout a lot. I am not fucking her. Eli, you have to. Yeah, my penis is not. It's not functioning? Yeah, I'm black. She's literally smothering you with your earth eyes. There's just a flaccid penis in a
tub of peanut butter. A jar of mayonnaise. And a box of cow tongues. It did not go well for you. Screenshot! God. I'm going to throw up. Caleb, you definitely have a stinky puss. Can you bathe every three days according to that app? Alright. Let's see. You want to do Evan? Yeah, let's do Evan. Alright, let's do Evan. Oh, Evan.
He's gonna have a serious look. That's a serious look. I mean Evan always do. He could be really angry. Mr. Evan Hafer. Evan wants to see my manager right now! He's such a fucking carriage. Oh my god. If a look ever had a personality, that is it. Oh my god. He will speak to every manager. He's calling. He is calling the manager. He is on the phone with your manager right now. Okay.
We are posting this online right now. After this podcast, I'm sharing this. We're all going to... We're taking evidence. It's like Evan wants to call your manager right now. Someone needs to edit just this little bit down. Oh my God. How many?
I would have to be so fucking drunk. It's the same for Caleb, you know. Eli, you remember that margarita I showed a picture of on my Instagram the other day where it looked like if I was holding a margarita to be normal and then I handed it to you and it's a giant bowl that you could swim in? I would need to be able to swim in a margarita to finish that. Like, so bad. I hate it. Makeup Evans is a little better. No, she's still a cunt. Look at her. 100%. She's still a very mean, mean bitch. She's a mean person. She's still calling the manager. She made somebody cry today.
Some poor service rep teenager. She's the girl that's like, I'm so freaking in bed. And then she does missionary. Evan. She lifts one leg up, though. Yeah. She's like, yeah, you know what I'm saying? I'm flexible. Yeah. Yeah, Danny. Yeah. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Get off of me. I'm done. All right.
I need Matt. Give me Matt. Matt is a woman. So we've all seen Matt in wigs with makeup on in shorty shorts. Does it hold up though? I'm glad this is where unsubscribe is at right now. The picture from his book cover. Oh yeah, that's the perfect one. Yeah, perfect. We can Photoshop some tits in there instead of a plate carrier. It'd be great. Oh man. Come on, come on, Matt. Not a great looking woman. How many shots Eli? I need a number right now.
Five. Six. He's thick. Wait. Wait. Let's see if the makeup. Wait, what the hell? He's got a pretty face. The more full hair. No, the full hair definitely fixes it. Oh, yeah. Matt is still a five foot fucking 11 woman, though. Like, he's a big, not fat, but a tall woman. I mean, this one's not. Yeah, but that one, that's. That's.
It wouldn't take that many problems. Like five, six. Yeah. She would take me home from the bar. Yeah. And I could live with it. I live with that for every woman that takes you home from the bar. Exactly. Carry you home. Exactly. That's what I'm saying. Like four, but like technically one. Cause she can carry me out at one. I don't like Burnett's that much. What? I don't know. I'm going to say like seven or eight for me. I would sober. Matt is hotter than girl. Matt is hotter than girl. Matt.
Sober baddies having an issue right now. Did you save that one? Oh, no. Can you save that? Oh, my God. This is where the podcast is right now. It's like, hey, guys, welcome to unsubscribe. We're talking about nerdy stuff and fucking our friends. I mean, we've been beating around the fucking our friends bush for 17 episodes. I kind of want to see something real quick.
- Oh yeah. - Is it gonna make you both women? - I wanna see, yeah, I wanna see, would you guys have a threesome with us? - Oh yeah. - Okay, so we have a photo of, we have a photo of Donut with Matt, and it made me, - It's like half of each. - It literally was just like. - So we have a photo of Matt and Donut together.
It just peeled off exactly half of Donuts mustache. It like did half of Donuts face and half of Matt's face. No, Matt's is full. No, but his hair is huge too. No, but Matt is pit. She does cross fit. Yeah, Matt's boyfriend just cut off half his mustache. I just got Donut. It's just like. You guys are shit on my lip right there. Oh, geez. I mean, that one's not bad.
It's not good either. That's like a cute couple. That's like, that is not donut. I just love. That's like my girlfriend put makeup on me and shaped half my mustache. We got a screenshot. Those ones. Those are fucking gold. Holy shit. I don't like this episode went in a weird, dark way. And I'm not drunk enough for this. This might be one of my favorite.
This is the last one. We said you were going to be. We thought clean was going to be the hottest slut of the group. I don't know that jawline. Clean's got some real housewives shit going on. You look like Michael Jackson. Clean's had some work done. That's the best way to say it. Clean has had work done. Oh, clean's a bitch. We need a better picture of clean, though. What if we get a better picture? Wait.
I mean, I'd still, I wouldn't fuck clean as a woman. Yeah. It's like a, that's a three or four shot. Wish.com. Angelina Jolie. Yeah. It's got cleans eyes and nose still. And it's really bothering me that I can just see clean with makeup on right now. Clean. I'm going to, yeah, bro. I'm going to just shave your stuff. I want to see another, we need a different, we need another picture of clean. Who else can we do? Uh, Oh, there was a Heather. We had Heather. Oh yeah. We got to get Heather lined up for sure. Well,
Are we doing Heather is just a female or dude that and how many shots it would take to sleep with dude Heather? Both. Dude Heather? I mean. Oh, that's Heather is a female. Let me see it. So we have Heather Lynn. Blackout. Blackout drunk. I would fuck my friends as men before sleeping with her. Oh, God. Which one is it? Impressions? Sizes? Go away. Which one is it? Go away. What's the button?
Oh. Make Heather a man. Would we be bros with Heather as a man? Ooh, would we be bros as Heather? Let's do it. As with... Feminine. Let's see feminine Heather. What is Heather going to look like as a girl? Heather, you're apparently perfect. Heather, you're apparently perfect. You bitch.
Let's go to Mel though. Okay. Let's make Heather a dude. Oh, you're a douchebag. Why does Heather have such big hairy tits? I don't like... I don't like... I don't like the hairy tits, Heather. Why does Heather have big hairy tits? Heather has hairy tits. This is a very visual episode of Unsubscribe Podcast. If you're watching this or listening to this, you're going to need to watch this one.
Otherwise, it's 45 minutes of us laughing and screeching. I mean, Heather's a good looking dude, but fuck this. Okay, get her now a bikini, Heather, so we can have some hairy tits. No, I don't want hairy tits. I really hate that they just add hairy dude tits to the situation. Oh, God. I'm uncomfortable right now.
What were we gonna talk about today? What happened? Where did- how did we get here? We talked about video games for like three seconds. Guys, how about Sea of Thieves? Sea of Thieves. Oh yeah, that's a really good one. Oh, it's Ginger- wait, what is that? Not Ginger. Who is that? Wait, wait, wait. Batty, who is that? She's a reporter. She's a reporter, Batty. She's a cosplaying a reporter.
Batty, you piece of shit. You don't know who that is? Donut, who is that? It's the chick from Ninja Turtles. April O'Neil. I don't remember April O'Neil. How old are you? 31. You didn't do the Ninja Turtles? I mean, I did a little bit of Ninja Turtles. I was not a Ninja Turtles kid. Guys, speaking of which, we're also going into the new segment, finding a new host. I didn't do it.
It just made Heather have big, burly eyebrows. I hate it. I hope you guys aren't... Did we screenshot the last one with the hairy titties? Okay, we'll be posting hairy titty, Heather. Yeah, this one's lame. Is that it? Who else do we got? I think that was...
- Can you think of someone you want me to look up? - I'm trying to think of one last person that would be a good mix. - Brandon Herrera. - Chocolate operator. - No, Brandon Herrera. - Oh, Brandon. - Brandon. - Brandon. - A K guy. - He's got beautiful hair. - He's got a good jawline. - A wonderful complexion. - All right. - This is true. - So am I winning as a female? - Yes, 100%. - Oh yeah, because that looks like-- - Oh yeah. - That's a dirty girl. - That's a dirty gun girl right there.
Eli, you're definitely winning as a chick. Like, yeah. Yeah, Eli's killing it. But at the same time, chick Eli didn't look anything like normal Eli. Every other girl we've done, I could have been like, that's Cody. That's Batty. That's clean. You are a new bitch. And then afterwards, I'm like, what's up, bitch? It's like that scene in the Halloween skit y'all did last time where you're like, and you pulled off the face. No. Oh, no.
Wow, Brandon is really might be in last place. Why did it make you so pale? Okay, Caleb is still in last. But this is below me. You are definitely a gun girl trying to make it in the 2A community. Oh, you're not doing well. You're sliding into my DMs wanting to collab with your podcast. No one listens to her. She definitely wants to be on Demolition Ranch. She will not be on Demolition Ranch. Don't tell Mare.
Oh my god, it's so good. Oh god, she's just... We gotta do Matt now. Oh yeah. We gotta do Carriker. I think Carriker's gonna look good. He's gonna look... I mean, I thought Brandon was gonna look real good. Masculine. It just takes his hair away. Screenshots all of it. Oh my god. We just did a masculine version. Like a man version of Brandon. Just took his hair away. Oh my god. Okay, there we go. Demo and then we're good. Holy shit.
This is just an episode of listening to us laugh. This is just... Screech laughing about fucking our friends. This is great. This is where we went today. Today's episode is going to be called, How Much Do You Love Your Friends? Literally. Video games, am I right, guys? Guns, games, and girls? I don't know. What do you think about that one? Let's look at some good... We need some good demo ranch, demo map pictures.
I want to see, is there any photos of him holding like a puppy? Like his vet days? It was back when he killed kittens. Back when he killed kittens. Oh my God. I've killed so many kids. The best quote I've ever heard from Matt. I've killed so many kittens. I've been wanting to get some like, you know, mixed tiles.
The little... Oh, I thought it was going to say kittens. Holy shit. Where's this going? The square picture thing is going to run offline. Yeah. And put pictures of my friends in quotes and then put them all over my wall so Matt's going to be like, I've killed so many kittens. Oh, no. Where's Matt looking like? Matt's always looking good. He's looking burly. He's a good looking dude. He's been cutting recently too. Right? He's got some nice abs. Imagine going to the gym. Gross. Gross.
I'm just going to drink all this beer and then work out after the podcast. Okay, if you zoom in, I think that would be a good one because it's a little bit of spice that tongues out. Ooh, a little tongue. Tongue action, Matt. We should start Tinder profiles with our female characters. And see how many... Contest! Oh my God. That is unfair. That's not fair. Eli will win. Dude, I'm going to smash so many dudes. Eli's going to just roll through. Okay, we're going to make...
female Tinder profiles for the chick versions of us. - Betty's gonna have one like. - I'm gonna take a different picture. We have to actually work hard on it. - Oh, now everyone's like, "We're doing a photo shoot." - Let's make it as hot as possible. - We're not even using the app at this point. We're just dressing up like females. Makeup's going on. We start dating guys.
What do you mean you don't love me? I'm winning guys. I don't want to play anymore. Oh this is gonna be my favorite episode of all time. Oh Carriker has fetal alcoholism syndrome. What happened to his face? I don't know. It looks like Matt. Oh see?
I'd fuck Matt. I would. I'm saying five shots. Maybe. Matt's a slut. Matt's a... No, Matt. That girl's definitely... That Matt is a slut. I'm sorry, Matt, but... She has a decent-sized Instagram following in the 2A community. Small tits, fat ass. Yeah. Do they add boobs? No, that's just his tits. Oh.
I mean, I- It's just traps. She's got some big ol' traps. She does CrossFit. Yeah. I mean, that's like three drinks, four- Dude, that's what I'm saying! That's not a lot! Matt's pretty good looking. Like, from what I've drank today- That's 10%. I'd fuck Matt. You're like, "That's why." That's why I sleep with Matt. Okay, this makes for way more- Nah, Matt's pretty cute. Don't tell Mayor. Oh no. Today got dark. I don't like where today went.
I feel uncomfortable. I'm jittery. I'm going to throw up. No one's going to be expecting this episode. I wonder what video game they're talking about today. The last two episodes, they've talked about puke and shit. Where are they going today? Yo, you want to fuck your friends? Like, what the fuck, man? This is why we can't hang out anymore, guys. We got to break up. I love the idea of a contest that we were just trying to get Tinder dates. We create our Elizabeth...
Oh, we have to have names, don't we? Yeah. You would be Elizabeth. Oh, are you Elizabeth? Yeah. Straight out of fucking, uh... Bye. Elizabeth. I'm gonna be Corey. I mean, I got Kyla. I'm good. Kylie. Kylie. Oh, that's... That's a whore name. Kyla. Nah, it's Kyla. Kylie's a whore name? I think so. If your name's Kylie, you're a whore. That's my baby mama's name.
Did she watch our podcast? I hope not. I'm not sorry. This is going to be a 55 minute episode of our podcast. And it's going to be 43 minutes of laughing. Oh my God. Sorry, you're listening to this. Cody, what's your chick's name? So obviously Kyla, Elizabeth. Probably Corey. What would your profile say?
I love dick bros. Okay. No, no, no, no, no. Okay. Now point here to fuck. What's some whiskey? DG. Yeah. No, no, no. If we're going to do this, do you like control my profile? I control Cody's and he controls my, like, you know what I mean? He has yours because if we, if we're just trying to like who can get the most likes or matches or whatever the fuck,
We're obviously all just going to put in the chat, DTF, I want to suck that dick. Fatty's still only getting a one like. It's crazy. Seriously, we'll sleep with you no matter what. Please swipe right. It's just begging to fuck. I don't know why I feel insulted. Like, why am I upset about this? They're just like, eh. And now he's needy on top of that. They really swiped left.
My feelings are hurt. So are Kyla's. I don't even know how to do this. Yes, we have to do each other's profiles. But who's going to do whose? I mean, just fucking counterclockwise. I'll do you. Eli can do me. I don't want Eli to do mine. I'm doing Eli. Eli, you do Batty. Batty, how am I going to... I don't even know what to say to win with his.
It's like playing the game in fucking hard mode. I'm starting life in extreme mode. This isn't fair. But I think you're the best at flirting, so you have to have a handicap, which is bad. I'm hurt. I'm so hurt. Sorry, Kylie. Oh, I'm going to have to try so hard. Oh, fuck me, dude.
This is, I mean, we can edit on this. And do we do this? Is this the game we play? I guess we'll report back in next time. Leave a comment below if you want us to. Oh, dude. This is going to be fun. This is a good challenge. Oh, this is the best challenge. Holy shit. Well, that's my, this is now my favorite episode of all time, I think. Don't it close this up. Guys, thank you for tuning in to the unsubscribe podcast where we talk about poop shit and fucking your friends.
It's very great to have you here for this video game podcast that we do. We have Batty over here. Wonderful streamer. Eli Double Tap. Wonderful streamer also. And I'm Dullnut Operator. Please have a fantastic day. We love you. We love you.
