Coco The Side Piece 01:17:43

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No, you two are something. We're bad friends. All righty. One, two, three. Welcome to another episode of Bad Friends. I'm your captain, and this is my sidekick. No, no, no. Andrew. No, no, no. This is my side guy. My side hustle. No, no, no. Peace. My side piece. No, I'm the side piece.

First of all, you're never a side. You're not even a part of the gang right now. You're a side chunk. You're not a side chunk. You're a side chunk. That's a pretty big piece. That's a pretty big piece. You know, also, could I just say something too? You're a little deceiving. No, I saw the last episode. I never lied. I told you that I haven't done stand up in five years. That's not what I'm talking about. Oh, you know, when you make assumptions, somebody gets bit.

No. Is that a term? I just made that up. It's not the first. I think I've got a couple of phrases jumbled up there. But when it's not broke, fix it if you break it. Anyway, listen, bud. I don't like being lied to. I don't like being deceived. I don't like your rabble rousing. Is that a word? I agree. Can we move on? No, no. We can't move on until I address this issue. Okay.

What's your name? No! Did Esther tell you? No. Okay. What's your name? Greg. No. No. No. If you think we don't know... Okay. We know. What's your name? What are you... I thought this was going to be about Pauly. I know what it is. By the way, are you chewing gum and eating potato chips? I'm...

I'm practicing being a father. By the way, I had a dream where there was three babies in beanies and neon beanies running. They were your babies. Stop, stop, stop. I know what you're trying to do right now. It's not going to work. We're going to talk about this issue and then we're going to move on. Is it because I did Pauly's podcast? No, it has nothing. It has a little bit something to do with it. You can't do any other podcast by that way. But he promised me a pop cup if me and Buster behaved. All right. These little whimsical things you're doing right now, these cute things you're doing right now, usually it works with me.

I think it's working a little bit now. Because I want to kind of move on now. Because it's so cute. But my point is, what's your name, friend? Greg. No, what is your legal name? Why would that be a problem? Okay. Don't yell. Okay. Oh, that's right. Because we're wearing microphones. Yeah, we're wearing microphones. Okay. We're strapped. We're strapped, my dog.

Oh, but why would that make you mad? What is your name? I don't like being lied to, that's all. Greg is my middle name and my ID. What's your first name though on your ID? Who did you get this from? Okay, sorry. Goop, Goop, make this easier on yourself. Does he know? We know. Am I going to prematurely give information?

Can I tell you what it is? Okay. Is that the game we're playing? Okay. Your name is Krikor. Krikor. You know Esther told you. Krikor. Your name is Krikor. Krikor. Which translates to Greg. No, it doesn't. And Coco comes from Krikor. It translates in space language, fat guy. No. No.

That's a Klingon name. Krikor is a Klingon name that translates to fat guy. First of all, it's Grigor, like Krikor. Oh, Grigor. It's a masculine given name and a surname. Variants include Gregory, Gregor, Grigiri, Gregori. And in Western American, it's Krikor or Krikor. Okay, at this point, now you know my first name, my middle name, my last name. You know all the schools I've been to. My brother says, don't give out your social security number. And now everything anyone needs to change my passwords are pretty much...

On this podcast. Yeah, yeah, okay. We don't want to go to your middle name right now or your last name. Okay. You're doing your cute thing and it's really for me because I kind of want to move on. No. Let's stick to Kreekor. No. Thank you so much, friend. Yeah. So why don't you just go by Kreekor? I had 27 years to decide if I wanted to be Kreekor. I decided I want to be Greg. So we can drive down Glendale, you and I, and there could be somebody on the side of the street going –

Krikor! I will walk by. What? I will just walk by. I know, but there are people out there that know you as Krikor. No, no, no, no, no. No, they either know me as Coco or Greg. No one knows you as Coco. With a K. No one knows you as Coco, dude. They do. You've been trying that since day one. No.

Trying to get Coco to stick. And it's not going to stick with me. I'm never going to call you that. Who knows? Who comes with their own nickname? Family. Honestly, I thought today was going to be fun. I had a rough week. I keep getting chicken nuggets, chicken impossible nuggets stuck in my toaster. And then I got stuck under a weighted blanket. Okay, see what he's doing. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.

Why are you putting nuggets in the toaster? 'Cause you get 'em crispy! It's my fourth toaster this year. Do you have an oven? It's not plugged in. I- no, it's- I don't- The oven isn't plugged in? The oven- I'm not gonna- Do you have an air fryer? I have an air fryer, but that's not plugged in either. It's so much fun putting chicken nuggets in the toaster, and then they pop up, and then you have to catch 'em, and then you have to get 'em out, but it smokes, and then you think, "How long can I let it smoke?"

I might have you guys turn off his mic. No. Yeah, I'm supposed to be a side piece. It's just you're our side chicken nugget. Okay. Okay. But first of all, plug in the oven. Plug in the air fryer. Do you not know how to do that?

unplug and plug I know how to use a toaster but do you know how to plug and unplug things yeah you do so can you unplug your toaster and plug in the oven or whatever well it's burnt I need a new toaster but yeah okay buy this guy a new toaster please no I will buy it you buy it yeah

Well, listen up, Krikor. No. Krikor. No. Krikor. That sounds more Korean than Bobby. Krikor. I am Krikor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It sounds like from He-Man, doesn't it? Yeah, it does. It sounds like one of the characters. Skeletor's bitch. No one knew this until... Hi, Skeletor. Hi, Skeletor. It's me, Krikor. Let me say something, Krikor. Is that Krikor? Is that a famous Krikor? Yeah, it is a famous Krikor. Oh, there are other famous... Oh, he's Chess. You're more checkers, huh? I don't... You see more checkers. I don't... I like...

I like that. He doesn't seem chess. When you say, yeah. Ask food restaurant checkers. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, not the game. He doesn't want to play that. I like board games. Yeah. Yeah. I like cards. What games can you play? You know, but that's hard. I like, I don't know how to play checkers or chess. You don't know checkers either. No, I played poker and they underestimated me and I won.

I tell you what game he doesn't know how to play is plug in the oven. Yeah. That's a tough game for some reason. How are the chippies, bud? Yeah, Kree. I have twins this time. Yeah, you do, buddy. One's Asian. They're both Asian. So can we call you Kree core from now on? Oh, yeah. But like, that's like the worst thing you could call me.

Oh, I could think of some. Oh, no. Then I'll meet you at. I could think of a lot of things. But like, I have some questions for Andrew afterwards because you guys are getting some. Ask away because this is your portion of the show. You guys did a background check, I think. We're going to move on. So ask away. Afterwards. No, ask now. You have questions for Andrew? Ask away, baby. No, no, no, no. I'll ask after because honestly, I think you guys did a background check. No, we didn't. No, we didn't. How did you know? Do you think we did a back? Look at the fucking employees we have. Do you think we did a background check? That's insane.

This is a fucking illegal immigrant, an obvious cartel drug baby, and then a loser from the Midwest who was like a hockey coach dropout. I mean, dude, we just pick up the scraps where they fall. Did we talk about his Long Beach performance yet to him? No. We haven't seen him since then, I don't think. Okay, so that's another lie. Oh, wow. No. Let me talk. Okay. May I? Yeah.

Is this your show? No, I don't have a show. I know. Yeah. Calm it down. Calm it down, dude. Goopy. Namaste. Come right down. Yeah. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek. Creek

You had a full-blown panic attack a week before Long Beach, begging us, please, I don't want to do it. I'm going to fail. I haven't done it. All the excuses. And then... You show up at the show. How many people in the audience, you think? 3,000. 3,000 people. And...

You walk up there and you pull out a fucking AK-47 and you go, I mean, you, okay, I'm going to take two minutes before you went up. He told me, hey, I think he should only, he shouldn't go up or he should only do a couple of jokes. I said, he looks a little too nervous. Maybe we should restrict his time to make him feel comfortable. Just do him a couple minutes and tell him he can come right back. Right, right. Something like that. Because he was pacing. Right. I came to you, remember I came to you, I go, me and Andrew had a talk.

You should just say hi. Pretty much, right? And you went up there. You went, like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you obliterated the room. Did great. Yeah, so that's another lie. Another lie. That wasn't a lie. Shut up. Oh, so you had 10 minutes of jokes, of pure jokes. I timed six minutes. But not that night.

First of all, you did 12. No, I didn't. Yeah, yeah. I can't hear him. Yeah, he turned his mic off. I like that. No. Turn his mic up a little bit. It's fine. Turn it up. But here, creaky. Creaky. Creak dog. I said I was going to die. I didn't say I can't do stand-up, and that part was true. You weren't going to die. I was going to die. No. And then when your agents and managers showed up, I forgot English. Oh, it's so – because also he – this is so funny.

Agent and manager are like his rock bands. They're my pen pals. Like he knew by name, like what agency. It's so fucking weird. He knew my, he knew my agent's name. He was like, that's your agent? Yeah, yeah. I was like, how would you know who that is? Yeah, you said the name. I write letters to them. That's how you book comics. Oh, fuck. What do you mean? You write letters to them? Yeah. You're Mr. Nusiforo. You mean an email? Yeah.

You hand write a letter and then translate it to email? I would get their attention. That'd be funny if you did that. So you email Noose and you say, hey, Noose, I'm interested in booking people for my show. Yeah. It's actually very smart. That's good. Do you know my agents? Yeah. Who? Well, I thought Abby was Abe because I was just losing my mind. But then I found out it's Abby and it's, you know. But Matt Blake, he has two first names. Stop. Okay. He handles heavyweights. Stop.

A-B-B-E. Abe. Abe. By the way, we're calling Abby Abe from here on out. Here on out, yeah. You're Kreekor, and she's Abe. Abe. Oh, my God. And by the way, what a show that would be on Adult Swim. Kreekor and Abe. Oh, it's wanderlust. It's beautiful. It's the precipice of happiness when you're around. I love it. What are you showing me right now, Carlos? Goop at a premiere. Oh, no. Oh, you go to Hollywood. There he is. There he is. Wow, drugstore tune. Wait, push pause for a second.

None of those people are in the movie. Polly's. None of those people are in the movie. Sandy Dantow. You. How come I didn't get invited to this? Benji Arfalo. Who's the guy in the middle there? Is that Al? Polly. Who? Polly. That's Polly. None of them are in the movie. What are you doing on the red carpet of a drugstore gym? Polly told him I was literally, he told the lady running the carpet that I was on Love on the Spectrum and she gently invited me on the red carpet. Oh my God.

He said that to everyone we meet. Everyone we meet. Because he tells everyone I'm Chinese.

- Yeah. - Right, so it's the same thing. He says you have autism and he's- - Well, do you think you, but do you have autism? Did we say this? - I started taking a test and halfway through my ADD kicked in and it wasn't looking good, so I stopped. But I'm open to taking an autism test one day. - We should put you, we should put love on the spectrum. - Yeah. - 'Cause we wanna find you love. We love you and we want you to find love. - You do? - You don't want love? - No, I don't want spectrums or scales. I want no limits.

Can I ask a question? We're going to move on. Let's move on soon. I know. It's piqued my curiosity. Can we write down what your perfect mate would be? Yeah, you're going to come up with an animal. No, I'm not. I'm asking you. You're going to come up with an animal? Like a kangaroo or something? Give me a trait. Age bracket maybe.

I'm writing it down. I'm not one of those people with an age bracket. Jesus fucking Christ. Okay, yeah. Maybe this is an exercise for another time because I don't like exercises. Okay. Oh, um... Sorry, uh... It's, uh... It's like red light and green light. Red light, green light. Age. Age? Uh... I don't know. Like 25 to 35. I mean, give me an age bracket here, man. Your preference. Okay. Uh...

I don't want... You're getting on my last fucking nerve right now. Too slow. People make a very slow person. So I guess 25. 25. 25 onwards. Yeah. What's the age gap here? I mean, the limit, you think? 50? I don't want another mom. Okay, so let's go 25 to 40.

35. Okay. Okay, 25 to 30. No. Stop. We're moving on. What does this person do for an occupation? That would be a preference for you. My friend's a lawyer, but I treat her like a regular person. A lawyer then. No. Should we move on? I think.

Oh, yeah. All right. Let's talk about. We'll find love next time. Yeah. We'll get you a 27 year old lawyer. OK. There's a lot of those roaming around. Yeah. Anyway, welcome back to the show. But thank you. And thank you for having me. All right. In Long Beach. And thank you for having me. OK, OK.

Thank me, too. Thank you for having me. Christ. Not very many people get to live that kind of thing, and I never thought I would. We're happy that you're a part of it. We're happy, happy, happy, happy. Let's talk about some real stuff. Yeah, yeah. Let's talk about one of the funniest moments I've ever witnessed in my entire life in an airport. Well, it was a very awkward situation. Do you guys know what happened? So we were in Austin. Yeah. The flight's delayed. Yeah.

So it's me, Andrew, and Andrew's wife. We're sitting there waiting for them to board the plane. And we're standing there and people are asking for photos with us. Yeah. Which is pretty normal, if I may say so myself.

And there's a guy off to the side pretty near us on a table, and he's on his laptop. And he goes, excuse me. Correct me if I'm wrong of the story. He goes, excuse me. What do you guys do? And I said, oh, we're jugglers and magicians. That's right. Right? And he goes, fuck that. He goes, I don't believe that for a second. And I said, you believe what you want to believe, pal. But at the same time, Bobby said, fuck you.

Fuck you. We started cracking up. Yeah, we cracked up. And Bobby goes, go fuck yourself, pal. Go fuck yourself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we're laughing. Laughing. And this guy went like this to this and looked straight down. Straight down. And I don't know what he's doing. He's typing away. Typing away. And now I'm, now, and then your wife laughs. We cracked up. No, but she's laughing a lot. Yes. Because now it's awkward. And I kind of go, hey, man, we're comics.

And we joke around, fuck around, you know? And he just won't look up. Didn't look up. So then I start going, let's get away from there. We stood there for a long time. A long time. And it was so uncomfortable and he just kept typing away, looking down, looking down. And Bobby goes, should we walk away? Should we walk away? And I go, all right, we can walk away. So we walk away. Now the whole time, the conversation is how, I guess, how uncomfortable I feel. It was so weird. Yeah, I go, I don't know what to do. I mean, I feel so fucking bad. And I said, just go over to him. Yeah.

You and your wife say it. We said, go over to him and just say we were just kidding. And I'm like, I'm like going, I don't know, man. You didn't need to. It was already over. We were kidding. Not only did I need to, I didn't want to. But you did. I did. You're a stand-up guy. Yeah, I did. So I come up slowly. I go, hey, man, dude, I'm so sorry that I told you to go fuck yourself. I go, seriously, we're like, that's just our brand of humor.

You know, usually that gets a laugh. Yeah. You know what I mean? And I'm so sorry. And he goes, why are you apologizing to me? And I go, well, because I just, I feel bad. Right. And he goes, and he just goes back and do it. Now you forget one thing. He said that was really rude. Oh, that was right. He goes, that was really rude. Yeah.

I go, I know. And then he goes back into his thing. This is like a 50 year old man. We were just fucking kidding. And he fucking took it to heart. He screwed Bobby off and he looked back down and tight. But then Bobby loved it because he walked by us. He goes, what if he's not even on this plane? I go, he's on this plane. Oh, yeah. And he walked right by us. And Bobby stared at him the whole fucking time. I stared at him when he walked on the plane. Anyway, wherever you are, sir. So we're sorry. We're fucking kidding. We're kidding. But you know what, dude?

fuck that guy. Hell yeah, dude. For real. Well, what did you really say to me? You come up to me all nervous and he goes, what if he runs a studio? What if he's like a president? Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, because that's my fucking, that's my lock. You know what I mean? It's Jeff Bezos. Yeah. Or whatever, you know what I mean? But it's like, but then he, he went to coach. Bobby loved that. Well, I loved it because the odds of him being a studio exec just came way down. Yeah. You know what I mean? That's true. I'm like, oh, and he also had an instrument.

Yeah, he had an instrument. Like a violin or something. Something. Like a small little instrument. So, I mean, I'm pretty – probably there's an orchestra in L.A. that doesn't like me right now.

What if it's the L.A. Philharmonic? Yeah, I don't care. I don't go to that. Me neither. Yeah, yeah. So fuck them. But anyway, we're sorry. I mean, I'm sorry. Don't fuck yourself. But I do believe that I took a risk. You know, I do try to make amends when it's needed. Of course, you did the right thing. And usually it works out. We're like, hey, man, I understand. You know what I mean? Whatever. But that just didn't happen. Ten times out of ten, it works out. If not with that guy, though. I can't believe it. I couldn't believe it. But it didn't ruin a good trip. We went down to Austin. No, it was...

Okay, the Friday was great. We did a show with Joe. You guys weren't there. You were, Carlos, there. Joe Santagato and Frank. Of The Basement Yard. I think it's only available on Patreon. That was fun. Then we went out to a great dinner. Oh, my God, a glorious dinner. Three Forks, we had a great dinner. And then Rogan texted me. I know I had run into Rogan earlier, the night before, and he goes, Oh, my God. You all right? No. What? What?

Did you do this, Kreekor? No, I hope they're certified. What, stir fry? Jesus, this guy's hungry. Yeah, yeah. I hope they're stir fry. Do you want stir fry right now? Carlos, go get him some stir fry. Go get him some stir fry. Certified. Yeah. We are certified. By the way, I want to walk in here next time for him with stir fry in it. Got it? Done. So, Rogan invited us to the Black Keys. So, um...

We go. It was fucking awesome. Unbelievable. We were backstage. We met the guys. But when they were about to play, we, for some reason, ended up on the stage. They walked us across the stage. Which was weird. That was so cool. I thought it was awesome. No, I thought it was weird. Because people, I think the audience was like, what the fuck is going on here? They cheered. I didn't hear cheers.

I heard cheers. That's in your head. Oh, it is? Yeah. Maybe it was just Krikor out there. Maybe. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Cheering for me? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we saw the show and then I left a little early. You did. How long did you stay? To the very end. Oh, yeah. And then we stayed afterwards and went backstage and chatted with them. Oh, did you really? Yeah, it was rad. Oh, that's cool. When you said I needed to leave, Joe was like, where the fuck is he going? And I was like, this is what he does. He leaves. He just gets uncomfortable and needs to leave. But you missed it. Okay.

Because afterwards... No, I saw five or six songs. Like, I knew all the songs. Yeah. And I was just like, oh, that was cool. And I just kind of... It just got to... It was awesome. There was these two guys in back of me. Mm-hmm. I don't know who those guys are. Yeah. And then... Also, there's a little fence here where everyone is. And they're just kind of like... I don't know. I just felt uncomfortable. I get it. I felt like trapped in a cage. It was also hard for you to see. Well, because Duncan Trussell was there and I was there. Yeah. You know.

So anyway, it was a great time. And then Saturday we did the mothership and, you know. Bounced around the mothership a little bit. Bounced around a little bit. And then came home. Brought some of our friends. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Saw Jim Norton, Erica Rhodes. Oh, my God. Bunch of good comics. Good comics. It was a fun weekend. It actually was a really- I like these little trips that we take. These little tiny trips we take. We should take more. But we should just do it just you and I together. Yeah. Where we're not really- And we did do a show, but a simple thing. No, it was small and intimate. It was kind of a fun little- You know what was nice to not have there?

The boys. Yeah. It felt good. It felt real good. It felt freeing. You liked it because you turn to me at some point and you go, it's nice that McCone's not here. I did say that, I think. You did, and you meant it. Not in an offensive way. It was just like, you know what compound W is? Is that a cream? It's close. Yeah. Compound W removed the warts. Okay. And it's like I used to have a wart on my knuckle.

And I used Comp on W. Knuckle. Yeah. He had a ward on his moose knuckle. Yeah, my moose knuckle. And it went away. And it was just like, oh, I don't have the ward. That's kind of what it felt like. I haven't been calling around. Oh, that's really good. It's like it's gone.

That's funny because the warts do kind of come and go as they please. They do. They grow back at the same spot sometimes. And also they pop up at the most inconvenient times, don't they? So you're going to pick wart. Wart. We have Abe, Kreekor, and wart. Yeah. But no offense because sometimes when you're around, yeah, you know. Sometimes warts are okay. Yeah. Sometimes they add character. You know when you see like a witch with boils and warts? It looks cool. Well, it gives you reality check. Right. Oh.

Oh, I'm human. Or I have to deal with human things. Like negative emotions and stuff. Right. You got a lot of compliments on your gels this weekend for some reason. Yeah. A lot. Yeah. It drives you crazy. It drives me nuts. You don't like my nails. I don't. I know. I don't. But I don't know why. Yeah. Why does it bother you?

Just because my dad used to make us paint our nails. There's no way. When we would lose. Like if I lost a basketball game, he'd make me paint my nails and I'd have to wear a dress and walk around the neighborhood and I'd say, I'm a little sissy. I would say, I'm a little sissy boy and I can't win. And I'd have to repeat it. And the neighborhood goes, shame, shame, shame, shame. And they'd ring a bell. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, when Cersei had to do that in Game of Thrones, oh my God, imagine. Shame, shame, shame. And then when she gets revenge on that one crazy nun.

Where she's in prison and that nun's harassing her for a season. And then the tables have turned. And then the mountain, was it the mountain or whatever, had to torture the... You guys never saw Game of Thrones? No. Do you know what it is? I've seen it. I've never seen an episode, but I've seen it. What's that? Oh, this is fucking phenomenal. We do this at the end or no? We do these at the end. Yeah, go ahead. Do it at the end. We don't do this now. But he's throwing stuff in the air and I do like that he's juggling.

And you know why he's trying everything right now? Why? Because he's sober as he's ever been. He's clear-headed. He's participatory. I don't know, man. Great A marks from me. What, you don't believe that I'm not drinking? I think he's just still smoking weed. I'm not. Okay. Yeah. See, that was actually very honest. You could tell that he's not. That was good. Yeah, yeah. How many days now? A little over, like, 95, 96 or something. That's good. Look at me in the eyes.

Any pills? No pills. Lexapro only prescription. That's legal. That's legal. That's fine. Okay. My bad. Congratulations, man. No tussing? You're not like tussing tripping? No, I wish. No. No tussing. How's the sexual behavior? I actually slowed down a little bit. Very good. Very good. Yeah, before you came in, he was showing us hooker websites. Oh, yeah. I mean... Literally, before you went. That's insane. That's what we were looking at. Yeah, we were. He was telling me...

What did you say? Say what you said. I said, Andrew, as soon as your money came in. As soon as I paid the check, I wrote him a check? All right. As soon as I wrote him a check, what did you do? I went to a website. You went to a hooker website. We gave you a little raise, didn't we not? The moment that he cashed the check. That's insane. Maybe we shouldn't give him that raise. Well, no. He's going to use it anyways. I'd rather a debt than on drugs. Exactly. That's true. But also, that can be a drug. Be careful.

Yeah, and also I just want to say I got invited to a girl's place last week to do coke like 2 in the morning, and I thought about it for a while, but I didn't go. He called me. Is it a girl that you've already penetrated? No, we're working on it. Okay. Thank you, Goop. Thanks, Goop. Thanks, Creek. Thanks, Creek. No, he did call me and tell me. He's like, you'd be proud of me. I got invited to a party that I typically would want to go to real bad, but resisted. That's huge. So these girls, they call you up and they say, hey, we got a bag. You got to come over. Yeah. What's your first thought?

Oh, this can be like... Here, ready? Bling, bling, bling, bling, bling. Hello? Hey, Carlos. Hey, what's going on? What's up? Hold on, this is my... Carlos, I have a girl with me. Who are you talking to? Carlos, you know that bald weirdo? Oh, my God. Do you like him? He's like that guy, Crumb. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we call him Crumb. Why? Because he has crumbs? Because he's crusty. He's crusty. Yeah. Anyway... What's up, guys? Carlos, we have a bag of Coke with your name on it. What are you thinking? Is there any fentanyl in it?

I mean, fuck. I have one of those strips. Let me check. Hold on. Don't laugh. I know. I just like no one ever. Because we always have pure coke. We always have pure coke. And when he's asking me, it's like, luckily I have these fentanyl strips. Thank God. Test? Test, test. Let's see. A little. A little bit. A little? Not enough to kill anybody. Not to kill anybody. Want to come over? Yeah. I do. Let me call you back. Anyway. There's no. There's no fentanyl. There's no fentanyl in it. So please come over. I have to call Andrew.

Who's Andrew? Oh, gross. Is that that stupid redhead from Dave? Is that that ugly guy from Dave? No, he's one of my best friends. But is it the same guy? The same guy. He's friends with a little Chinese fat guy? Yeah, exactly. Ew. That Chinese fat guy's pretty hot, though.

You think so? I don't think so. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Why do you think so? Because it's like guys like that, they have way bigger dicks than you think. No, that's not what I've heard and seen. That's not true. I actually went to one of their shows and I saw it and it was fucking gross. Yeah, well, I'm going to say I talked to his ex, Kalilah, Sarah, Christine, all these exes. They say a big dick. That's not what Kalilah said to me. Anyway. Are you going to come over and do this quote with us or not? I'm on my way. There he goes.

I'm glad that you resisted and you do the right thing and pick up the phone and call a friend. Do not. I'm sure that's tempting too because two cute chicks want you to come over and hang out. Yeah, it was awesome. In your mind, do you ever think, I could go over there and not do coke and just hang out with cool hot chicks? That's what my plan was. I knew. Do you soak?

You know what's funny is I soaked in New York last week. You did? You soaked in New York? Is that when you leave it in? That's when you just put it in and let it sit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You leave it in. You're right, Krikor. And then what happens in the morning? Have you ever soaked, Krikor? No, but I knew it had to be dirty because Carlos is doing it. That's right. In the Mormon community, somebody gets under the bed and while you're soaking and they bounce the mattress. Do you know this? That sounds fun. Okay.

Oh, you're the, I feel like that's your job. You'd be great at that. You're like, wee. He's just sitting cross-legged eating chips with his head hitting the bottom of the bed. And some girls are like, who's doing that? Oh, it's Kreekor, it's under the bed. And he has to go, Kreekor, Kreekor, Kreekor. Wow. You soaked in New York? Yeah, I think it was because it was the first time with this girl. It was like the first time we met that it was like a progression over the night.

like my pants then my underwear then soak but the weird thing is love on the spectrum was on the whole time really I got into it so I was listening during this whole time maybe that's why you couldn't that's why you stopped it soaking well how do you know I didn't come because I didn't I think he did it I think he's a detective

Did you see that? Yeah, he's a good little detective. Yeah, you're like Sherlock Holmes to me. Ask away. Yeah. You came to Love on the Spectrum and you're going to prove it. I didn't come watching Love on the Spectrum, I promise. Keep going, Creek. You got it. I'm not trained for this. Let's do a little scenario here. I really think that you're like Sherlock Holmes. Okay. It's the early 1800s in London.

I've been to London. That doesn't matter. It's fine. All right. Right. And we him and our police officers were on a scene of the crime. That's right. Right. There's a young lady brutally stabbed. There is a knife, but it's broken off. But we can't find the other half of the knife. Okay.

We don't know what to do. Because we're two. Like, mate, what do we do? I don't really know what to do. I just don't... I don't understand how we hired, like, this type of English guy. From Essex or something. Well, I got the job. Yeah.

Well, part of the knife is broken off. Anyway. Krikor, it's up to you to figure it out. Yeah, Krikor, we called you. There's our phones. We called them. We rung you up. We rung you up, yeah. Sorry, Krikor, about his face. You've got to finish. He had a stroke. You've got to finish your crime. You're a great actor. I'll be eating beans on toast. I think the first place you should check is inside for the other half. Oh, inside for the other half. Yeah.

Inside from the other half. Are you having a stroke? No. Yeah. Are you English? Hello. I'm trying to do what you're doing. I feel like this is like watching porn. We didn't check. We didn't check the East Side. When Bobby does English, it's like an Asian guide. Shut up, man. That's an Asian English guide. Let me fucking commit to it, dude. Anyway, Bullocks.

Find a fucking other half of the knife inside the body. So what do you do to find the other half? Creek, you're up. I think you have to flip them over and burp them. Burp them? See if the other half comes out that way. Holy shit. Wow. My God. Because people swallow daggers, I think. They swallow the dagger. Behold...

I lied in my resume. I shouldn't get this. What happened to your accent? I don't know. Yours freaked mine out. Why? I'm trying. I'm committing. Anyway, okay, so very good. You would be a good detective. That would be very good. Whoa. So you wanted us to tap his body so that the other blade would come out of the hole? Yeah, you burp him. You burp him. Yeah. Wow.

That's never been done. There somewhere. Yeah. Okay. I don't know. Creek. Yeah. Are you finding some newfound fame? Look behind you. We had some fan make art for you, which is incredible. You're well, you're turning violet, violet. That's what that is. You know what that's from? Yeah. I love Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. I don't like the Johnny Depp version at all. Why is that?

Because Johnny Depp. So you hate Johnny Depp post-scandal or pre-scandal? He was just terrible in that movie. You don't need to make him, you know, Willy Wonka quirky because he's already perfect. So you think Gene Wilder's version is the best version? Yeah. By far. What about Chalamet? Didn't he just redo it? As a young Willy Wonka. Do you not like Chalamet's version?

I watched it. It took three times to get through it, but you can't beat the original. You can't beat the original. You really can't. You really can't. I don't know. Honestly, I've only seen that movie one time. God, I've watched it so many fucking times. So I don't know what it's about at all. Can I just... I'm not making a bit out about it. Let me see if I can get it. Let's see how close you are. Okay. There's a factory. What?

That's the crazy part. There's not. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And this guy, Willy Wonka.

Well, Willie Wonka, William, William T. Wonka, William T. Wonka, right, runs this chocolate factory. That's right. And there's a promotional kind of a contest for people that it's in a bar. There's a ticket. Right. And if you get the golden ticket, you get to go to this promotional thing. Seems like you've seen it. No, I know. I have. I saw it one time. I just now after now it gets a little hazy. OK.

So of all the kids that get the golden ticket. Right. And then things ensue. Somebody blows up. One of them is fat. One of them is a bitch. Okay. Okay. Goop. Goop. Slow down. Who's the bitch, Goop? Veruca Salt. Veruca Salt. Yeah. Oh, that's her name? There's a band called Veruca Salt. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Newsflash. Newsflash. They're named after her.

Anyway... How come there wasn't a band called Charlie Bucket? Charlie Bucket is such a good name for a band. But at the end, there was a gobstopper that one of the kids stole. Everlasting gobstopper. Everlasting gobstopper. And at the end of the movie, he puts it on Willy Wonka's desk. That's Charlie. Charlie. Charlie is bribed by Willy Wonka's, what seems to be his evil competitor. Right? And he says, if you steal me an everlasting gobstopper...

Smeagol's worth or something. That guy. What? That's the guy who... Smeagol? Smeagol's worth or something. The guy you're doing your... Schmegma's worth. That one. No, it's not Schmegma's worth. His name in the movie is... What is his name, that fucking guy? Willy Wonka enemy? Yeah, what is his fucking name? Slugworth. Hmm.

Slugworth. He wasn't even close at all. Schmeigel's work. Schmeigel is... Slugworth by whatever. I remember vividly as a kid watching this, by the way, and seeing the way they shot that, the sheen on his face. It was so smooth. I remember the light bouncing off his cheeks and the indentation and how scary he looked, the way he talked to people. There's no job that this guy doesn't have that scares the shit out of people. Yeah. At McDonald's, what do you think? Yeah. Like, I wouldn't eat it. Ba-da-ba-ba.

Yeah, he's so scary in this film. He does such a great job. Wow. But he convinces Charlie to try to steal an everlasting gobstopper. Right there. That's the scene. And Charlie Bucket succumbs to the poor, overwhelming feeling of trying to help his family out. And Jack's one with his Grandpa Joe. You said Jack's one with his Grandpa Joe.

Dude, honestly, dude, you need help. You need to go to the hospital and get your head checked out. Eat one of those chips, Creek. Yeah, yeah. Chip, eat a Crick. Anyway.

Chip, eat a Crick. And then Willy Wonka likes Charlie. No. Well, he sees the good in Charlie the whole film because all these other kids are kind of spoiled brats. There's Mike TV. Right, right. He wants to be a Hollywood movie star. I see. And there's Violet Beauregard and Veruca. Wow. So you've seen it recently. One of my favorite films. Wow. It was one of my favorite books as a kid. Like, I loved it so much. And then what ended up happening was-

You stole fizzy lifting drink. That scene is one of the best scenes of all time. Right. And so. And he's with his uncle or something, right? Grandpa Joe. Grandpa Joe. And he's. And Grandpa Joe, I remember, goes, come on. Come on, Charlie. Let's leave. Come on. And he goes. And he goes, hold on, Grandpa Joe. One second. One second.

And he, what? That's very good. And he walks up to the table. I remember Willy Wonka is writing something down. Maybe he's like, you know, writing a letter or drawing a picture. I don't know what he's doing. And he sets it on the table. He turns around and then Willy Wonka goes, this isn't Charlie, right? Charlie, come back here, Charlie. You've won, Charlie. Oh yeah, yeah. You won, Charlie. Yeah, that's something like that. The beautiful scene that these film dorks will remember is when he puts the gobstopper down.

And he puts his hand on the God's. Do you know this moment? Willie puts his hand over the God's a gobstopper as if to like say like this is amends have been made. Peace has been made. Him putting his hands on the gobstopper was you saying to the man, I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself. Dude. And all he could have done, all he should have done was ride the elevator through the glass into the sky with you. But he didn't. That guy didn't. He that guy was Slugworth. He's Slugworth. The man we met. You hear that violin, man?

You hear that, Violetman? You're slug-a-worth. You are, dude. And I'm going to say this right now, dude. I've never ever in my lifetime. Go ahead. No, I want you to go. I've never in my lifetime have met any individual like you, dude. That was out of pocket, unreal, and unrehearsed. You got a lot of nerve, slug. That was a terrible trip because of you. You got it. You got it, dude. How dare that guy.

You know what made me laugh at the end of that long trip? Was that your driver was waiting for you, so excited to see you. Mine didn't exist. I walked around for a while looking for this guy. Well, that happened to me the time before, remember? When mine didn't even show up at all. And then my guy lied. By the way, this is what's the weirdest thing. Yeah, but I didn't fuck up with Andrew. No, no, it wasn't his fault. Okay.

It wasn't Carlos Valls. If you fuck up Thursday, I swear to God you're fired. No, I promise. That's it. I'm going to call you directly and go, you're fired. I don't want to see you again. That would never happen twice. Yeah, it won't happen. Anyway, anyway, anyway. You just jinxed him. Fancy. Be nice. In fact, you should get your car ready.

Like I should go there. Should I be parked there? Actually, wait a minute. What? Carlos just got a brand new car. Why don't you put on a suit and pick him up? Yeah, I could do that. Should I wear all bad friends stuff? And I want you to hold a sign. Outside of Rogan's Club, though, I don't know if you saw this, there were black Israelites. Do you know what this is, Goop? Creek, do you know what a black Israelite is? Looks like an African Jew to me. Okay. Jesus Christ.

There was dozens of black Israelites yelling in the streets. They were the original Jews and they were screaming at people and they were wearing purple shirts just like those shirts right there and they were screaming at people. That's exactly what they were wearing. That's it. That's what Beyonce's backup dancers wore at Coachella. Is this at Coachella? I think so. Wow. There's the trumpets they're not holding. Or Wakanda. So these individuals... Did you just hear what he just said? That was so fucking funny. Oh my God. Holy shit. Wakanda? Wow. This is the sniper. Yeah, yeah. Choo! Choo!

Let me ask you a question. So are these individuals, are they Jewish of descent? They say they are the original Jews. Wow. So they believe in Judaism and they practice Judaism. They believe in, yeah, they are the original Jews, they say. They were yelling at people in the street, handing out pamphlets. Okay. And it wasn't an approachable. I would rather the other version of Jews that's like, hey, come get a pamphlet. This was very aggressive. Very aggressive. Well, they need these people.

Of these great fine people. Jesus. These great fine people. There's good people on both sides. Yeah, yeah. There's good Jews, black Jews and white Jews. No, but it was crazy how they were screaming at us. Wow. And I was like, I'm just trying to go to the fucking club. But they were actually protesting Joe's club? No, no, no, no. Oh, okay. No, no, no. They were in 6th Street protesting something. I couldn't really hear what they were doing. It had nothing to do with the club. It was just out front of his fucking club because 6th Street is a...

Absolute nightmare. It's a nightmare. It's disgusting. Yeah. Look at that guy right there. Yeah. Pointing, letting you know. Yeah. Yeah, black Israelites. Shout out to the black Israelites. Okay. Okay, anyway. How many shows? Now, you're going to see another show? You just went and saw a show. Who are you going to see now? I'm doing 20 shows in New York next week.

You're what? I'm going to see 20 shows in New York. 20 Broadway shows. Yeah. Oh, by the way, whatever show we talk about ends up getting canceled. Sleep No More has been operating without a permit, apparently, for two years. Rock and roll. And they shut it down. Love that. And Adele lost her voice and she canceled. But you did go to Madonna with Esther, no? Yeah. That was fun? It was a lot of fun. Yeah, we're going to see Kacey Musgraves together. You kind of are a material girl, huh? Not a physical material girl. What's that other thing?

Oh, no, then I'm not a material girl. I'm more of an experienced one. You're an experienced girl. Yeah. Like a virgin. My favorite song by her is Borderline. I like that song. That's so good. It's a good song. She's a phenomenon. Do you remember how people talk about Taylor Swift? Huge star. But do you remember in the fucking late 80s? Dude, Madonna was huge. Yeah. She was the same kind of scale. Same kind of scale of fervor. Obviously not as big because the internet didn't exist.

If the internet existed, Madonna would have been as big. Oh, yeah, 100%. She would have had her, huh? Bigger? Bigger. Maybe, but it's hard to know because Taylor Swift is a global phenomenon. Madonna was too, but the reach was just more because of the internet. But is it me, though? I'm going to ask a serious, real question here.

I can't, I don't know a Taylor Swift song. I mean, I'm sure she's very good, but like, but Madonna songs, I know like all the, like the top eight hits, right? Yeah, I think you do know Taylor Swift songs. You just don't remember that you know them because they're- Yeah, but even as a young guy, I was like, oh, that's borderline by Madonna. And like, it was catchy. You know what I mean? But is it because I'm older? I don't know what's going on. Yeah, it's not for us.

Really? Yeah, dude. We're old. You're a 52-year-old Chinese man. It's not for you. Oh, yeah. What the fuck? Yeah. She's not writing songs for you. Okay. I mean, seriously, do Taylor Swift's number one songs. And I got to tell you, you will know all of them. It's just like- I literally won't. Like, shake it off, shake it off, hoo-hoo-hoo. You know that song? Literally don't. No chance. Never heard it. I got a blank space, baby, and I'll write your name. You know that? No. Okay. I don't know.

Bad blood. You definitely know bad blood. I don't know. I know Billie Eilish. I know Adele. I know people who didn't build their careers off pity. Yeah.

Ooh, he hates Taylor Swift. You don't? No. Why? Not much of a singer. We don't need a 10-minute version of any song. Whoa. You know, that dull thing. You're not a material girl. You're a moody girl. Yeah. You're a little moody girl. I'm a little moody bitch, huh? Who's a little moody bitch over there? I like that. Me. Yeah. You're a little judgy bitch. I think you're actually, he's a very- I'm not judgy. You are judgy. Yeah. Cree corpse. Cut it out. Cut it out.

You've never seen a Taylor Swift concert? I have. All she does is sing. Oh, you've been? Yeah, all she does is sing. He goes! But you have to keep your enemies closer. How many times have you seen Taylor Swift live? I think three times. Okay, but once wasn't enough to say I don't like her? It was never her alone. Oh, she's at festival lineups. Oh, I see. What artists have you seen the most? Like the most number of times?

When I was a kid, I saw Hilary Duff 23 times. Jesus Christ. Yeah, but... Does she have a lot of songs? Yeah, she has an incredible, you know, discography. Ashley Simpson, the queen of pop, she's incredible. Do you like Fugazi? Is that like Bukkake? Yeah. A little bit. It's the same thing. Yeah, like, do you like punk bands? Um...

Is there a Sonic Youth album you know? No. I wouldn't say Fugazi's a punk band. I mean, minor threats to Fugazi. They're pretty DC punk. The Weeknd's very good. I like his white songs and his black songs. Krieg. Krieg, Krieg. The Weeknd has black and white songs? Yeah. What are his black songs? His white songs are like Blinding Lights, and then his black songs are like...

You know, when he whispers and says really dirty things. Like R&B. When he does R&B. Yeah, whisper a little dirty thing that he would say in my ear. Go ahead. Go ahead, man. No, I wouldn't say that to a person. No, just say it. I need to know lyrics. No, you don't. Just make it up if you don't know. Come on. No, they're mortifying. No, just say, just come on, man. Ooh, I'm blinded by the light. Give me something aggressive. I need my phone. No. No. Make it up. Pre-chorus.

From your heart. Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby. Pump that juice inside my... It's worse than that. Oh, really? Let me see if I can guess if you don't want to play. Okay. Yeah, baby. Let me take my fucking knuckle dick and jam it up your fucking tight twat and rip holes, baby. What's up? I think that's what he said. Oh, my God. Yeah, it's like really graphic. Yeah, player.

I don't like this at all. Why? Why? Grossing me out. No, I'm just saying. I'm trying to get this. What would he say? Go get something. Come on. I'm dirty. Come on. Look up or nah. No, no, no. We're making it up. Oh, no. So we're at a club. Tampa. Sounds like it. You don't like this at all? No, no, no. I like it. 2008. Right? Ybor Street.

I'm bent over. Big booty. Booty beyond booties, dude. It's like twilight. It's like the night sky. And I'm jiggling it. Hey. I'm Kawikwea. I'm Kawikwea. Wait. Hey. I'm Kawikwea. What's your name, baby, baby? Yo.

Yo. It's my boy Kreekor. No, no, not you. He's trying to hit. Not Kreekor, you. Nah, my boy's trying to hit. My boy trying to hit. What he gonna say? Hey, Kreek, run game on this bitch. What he gonna say? Run game on this bitch, Kreek.

You could have your own strip club with that ass. Wow, well, that was weird. Are you interested in my boy, Creek? Creek, run some game on this bitch. I want game from you, player. No way. Creek, what's up? Please. I don't want that guy. Creek, try again. No, I think it's forceful now. I think I have to stop. Fuck, Creek. I'm partying.

I'm burning. My legs are burning. I think I'm going to go home. My legs are burning. Fucking do it, dude. Call tomorrow. Hey. This was a bad idea. Every time we go out. Fucking do it. Every time we go out, that's what he does. You're supposed to do it, dude. We can't go out anymore if you keep doing that. But you're making it weird. All you have to do is say, you know, I think you're beautiful. Can I buy you a drink? Yeah, something.

Come on, Creek. God. You don't drink at all, right? Oh, I drink. I like drinkies. I like... Yeah. What's your favorite drink?

I like gin. I like Jameson. One's gin and one was whiskey. So you just like anything, really? Yeah. Whatever gets you fucked up. Yeah. No beer. I like beer. Okay. I like them all. I want to get drunk with Creek. Yeah, please. I'm out. You're out, I know. I'm so mad right now. I'm sorry. My legs burn so bad right now. I'm so mad that he didn't play along. I didn't do anything. Yeah, you fucked it up, man. My legs are burning because we could have done a bit. Creek was trying to do the bit and he fucked it up.

Don't blame me. I know, but you don't need a friend in the scenario. Yes, you do. As a fat person, I know how your legs feel right now. They're burning from the bottom up. No? No. All right. Because for some reason, you don't want to do it. Because I want to pass the mic to Creek. Yeah, I'm just trying to get some sexualities from you, man. We're going to have to put Icy Hot on Bobby's legs. You use Icy Hot, bud? No.

Yeah. Have you put Bengay on your dick? No. No. He has. No. No. I pocket dialed you the other night. I know you did. It was cute. You called me right back and I said, sorry, puck dial. Yeah, butt dial. Sorry, little butt dial. And I giggled. I wish I could giggle. You can giggle and text. I should giggle and text because I giggled when you did. You know what my dad does? My dad will butt dial me and then he'll leave a 30-minute voicemail.

Of him just talking to other people? Yeah, just talking to other people or just talking to the TV. Sometimes I'll hear him talking to the television. I'm not kidding. He's alone most of the day, so he'll just yell at the TV. It's kind of sad. I wish I could move my parents out here. Don't you wish your mom was closer? No. Really? No, I don't. Wait, why? I think I would worry about her constantly. If she was closer? No, because I know that she lives in Phoenix and I know she lives in the suburbs.

It's nice and safe. It's safe. In LA, there's other elements that I don't know. I know what you're saying. Yeah. I'm afraid of elements, you know what I mean, being exposed to her that I don't want. Hollywood stuff. Like your mom ends up at a Hollywood party. Yeah. Carlos. Yeah, with Carlos. Right. Yeah, and there's like fentanyl. She's like, I want to try. Let me try, Carlos. Because she has said-

Before I die, I want to try Moana. Well, why don't we let her try? She's old enough now. I would get her that. Like a gummy or something?

Like a blunt. No, not a blunt. No, no. She's never smoked anything. Don't fucking blunt her, dude. Come on, dude. Don't blunt his mom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't blunt my mom right now, dude. Fucking weirdo. No, like a little five milligram little gummy. Yeah, I got her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give her two. Yeah. She's never smoked weed. She's never touched marijuana before. Give her a two. See how she feels. Give her another two. See how she feels. Then dose her with a 20. I also have mushroom chocolates.

No, I don't want her to have that. Okay. Well, give that to someone. Give that to us. I know. It's in the back right now. It's in the back of your freezer? Bridge, yeah. Oh, they were also talking about in the van over to the Black Keys. I don't want to name the name, but I guess you can just cut that out, right? This older comic legend has the best LSD in the country. Really? Yeah, and it's liquid form, and they go one drop.

You're telling me Jay Leno has the best acid? Yeah, yeah. Jay Leno did. Have you ever done acid? Oh, yeah. I hated acid when I did it. I didn't like it. Yeah. Mushrooms love. No, I like acid because it's more intense. You know what I mean? I hallucinate crazy. Like the walls open up. I wonder if you can see as much as we see when you hallucinate. Probably not as much. Because you see it in the peripheral. It's a little blinders, huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I only see this much. Yeah.

Imagine. Yeah, man. Asian hallucinating is only restricted. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, Bobby, do you see that dragon? You're like, where, where? Yeah, where? Yeah, yeah. I have to actually directly look at it and not, you know.

When Asians hallucinate, their vision is just like an Apple Pro where you have to kind of move your head around a little bit to see it all. Well, that's why they didn't run when the fucking bomb hit. No, they couldn't see it coming? Yeah, they were just, whoa. You know what I mean? If they had regular eyes- They could have seen it up. They could have seen it and they would have run, but they were like, oh, what? By the way, there was a guy on the plane wearing an Apple Vision Pro, and it is funny to watch a guy. Yeah, he was sitting right there in that seat right next to me, and it's funny to watch a guy like this.

Wow. And his people next to him just like reading a book. That is going to be the future. The whole plane is going to be on devices. But what's the difference between Apple Vision and Oculus? Because I have an Oculus and I was tired of it after two weeks. Apple Vision is supposed to be significantly better than- Really? Yeah, but the technology is better. Where can I get one? Can I go to the Apple store right now and buy one? Yeah, right now. They're $5,000. Fuck. Yeah, the Oculus is only what? $600? Yeah. It's very reasonable in comparison.

Yeah, they're $500. $500, but the Apple one is $4,000. And by the way, it depends on the gigabyte you get. That's $4,000 for the 512.

That's where it starts, right? And what can you do? Watch movies? Anything. It's fully immersive. You can be watching something, but it's also, what do you call it? You can see what's going on outside of the glasses while also being in, what is that called? What is it? Augmented reality. Right. So it looks like that. You see that guy, he's looking at his office, but he's also has screens in front of his face. So if I'm watching that, right, and I'm laying in my bed, I could watch a movie? Yeah. And is it

And you can also see what's going on in your house. Look at that. Just like that. Like apps pop up in the air. Let me see what it looks like when you have a movie on. That's what he just, right, the first picture. First picture right there is that. That's it. Oh, you see your room then? Yes. Yes. Wow. Okay. Amazing. And you can move that screen to wherever you want. You can also have multiple screens up at once. Oh, you can do that. Look at that. Fully immersive. Immersive. Wow. You can also enter the mode where it is completely surrounding you, where you don't see the room.

Incredible. Should we get one? It sounds like we're doing a plug for him right now. Can we get one?

For the show? No, I want to buy one. Should I buy one? You should buy one. Did you buy one? No, I don't want to buy one. Can you wear it while you drive? Shut the fuck up, Creaker! I've seen people do this. Creaker, shut the fuck up! No, you know what? They're fingering people. You know what, Creak? It's definitely illegal to drive with this. 100%. But it will be the future. We will be able to do that. You're going to get in a car. They're going to make you put that on. Self-driving, right? So you don't touch the wheel. So you're doing something else. What is it now? What? Are they all sold out?

Do you just go to the app? Let's go to the store and go get one, Bob. Yeah, okay. I'm going to buy one. I mean, they look fun. I just think they're crazy expensive. Yeah, I can get one. Seriously, though. How many people are buying this? How many people can afford this? Not a lot. It's extremely... It's expensive. It's a decadent. You think it'll go down? Yeah. Well, if a PlayStation 5...

You can't even find, so you have to find them on the internet, and that was 2,500 bucks. It sold only 200,000 units. Wow. That's not a lot. Yeah. In a country as vast as we have, but with a wealth...

With the wealth gap the way that it is now, too, you're talking more and more people cannot afford it. There's no way. It's really silly. It's crazy. But also, you should go buy one. I'm going to buy one. You should. Yeah. You can afford it. You should go buy one. I've been watching online on YouTube court drama. Yeah. If I wasn't guilty and I was accused of something and I get a life sentence, I don't know if I'd be stoic.

When the judge says the verdict. I'm going to hand it down to you right now. Order. Should I be... Order in the court. Should I be stoic? You should react how you'd react. What did I do? What am I accused of doing? I'll get to it. Oh, okay. Mr. Lee, please be quiet. Will the court stenographer, Cree Court, please hand me my sheet? Thank you, Creek. Looking good today, Creek. Hold on, hold on. I always turn to the family. Yeah, you have to turn to the family. And no one's there. Mm-hmm.

Mr. Lee. No, no one came. Mr. Lee. Mr. Lee. Mr. Lee. I'm not going to ask again. Oh, sorry. Yeah. Pay attention, please. Okay. Mr. Lee, in the county court case 4965, you have been accused of showing your anus in a public forum. Open anus. How do you plead? Not guilty. You plead not guilty. They don't only do that because the courts, when you give the verdict. Mr. Lee. Mr. Lee.

How do you plead to showing your public anus? Not guilty, your honor. We do have this video right here that we can show you of your anus being shown in public. You still plead not guilty? I'm guilty. I'm guilty. I didn't know you had a video. Mr. Lee, I've been a judge for 36 years. Who gave you the video? Carlos? I've never seen something so egregiously disgusting in my life. I'm sending it to you now. 45 life, 45 to life.

Mr. Lee, Mr. Lee, I've changed my mind. Because of your emotion, I've changed my mind. No one's there. That's the stenographer. Yeah, that's Creek. Mr. Lee, because of your emotion. Oh, you'll go? No, I'll go to prison. Okay. I'll suck your dick. Okay. In prison, I will. You're going to get more time by doing that. Don't suck the judge. Did he say dick or dicks? He said dicks. Thank you. Thank you, Creek.

Good reaction. Really? That was really good. I would have given you less time. Really? Yeah. Cut in half for sure. Well, they don't do the guilty thing then. They do the trial and then so now it's just that. You saw the one guy that jumped and almost tried to beat the shit out of the judge. Oh, yeah. They sentenced him and he jumped over the desk. Oh, yeah. Or the guy, his lawyer, he's handcuffed, but he does that elbow attack. Yeah, to hit him in the face. Yeah, yeah. And he gets him. Yeah. God, it's so good. What would you do? Well, am I cuffed? Oh, yeah.

Oh, you headbutt him. Yeah. You know how... Where's the head? You know sometimes... No, don't do that. Don't hurt that thing. Why? Because it's going to break. He's my lawyer. All right. All right, here we go. The lawyer right here. Hope you hurt yourself. I won't. Well, I'm going to do this like this. He's a little head. Yeah. And your lawyer's whispering to you, we're going to go away for a little while. It's not going to work out. You're just going to have to take... So just give me the guilty verdict. Mr. Lee...

In the case of 495-648 showing your open butthole in public, I find you guilty. 45 years to life. I knew it was going to break.

Did it crack? Yeah. Bob. We can fix it. Such a nice gift. I know. We can fix it. That was real acting. Yeah, the acting was good. He'd be in trouble. No, he'd be fine. You'd go to prison. I hurt so. Yeah, it's got to hurt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, why? Stop typing now. Oh, please stop. Stop typing. I can't believe you typed the action. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, pick that up. Pick that up. That was improv, right? Yeah, yeah. No. That wasn't improv. Pick that up. Pick that up. That was scripted. Give it to me. Like, Bobby. Give it to me. Oh.

Oh my god. I know, it's okay. I can't believe you broke that. No, we can fix it. Can we? Yeah, here we go. It looks like new. You know what's incredible about you? The fucking beautiful artist that made that will like it more now that it's broken. Do you know that? And if I did it, they'd be fucking livid. McCone, this is your new job. You're going to get epoxy and glue and all that stuff and you're going to fix that the next time we do it with epoxy and glue. Show me that video. I want to see that.

This is so true to life. How true is this? Listen to this woman. Going for a fart walk after dinner is something that's going to help you age wonderfully. And if you follow me, you know that my husband and I go out for fart walks most nights after dinner. So about 60 minutes after we've eaten, we put on our dining shoes and off we go. Now, why do we do this? Well, we eat a lot of fiber, so we have gas. Everybody does.

And, yeah, you fart when you walk. So that's why I named it that. But the main reason that we do the fart walks is because by walking for as little as two minutes, we usually walk for about 10, 15, 20, but not really quickly. It's more of a moderate walk. We are helping reduce our chances of developing type 2 diabetes. Wow. That's incredible. Incredible. A fart walk is genius because every time you're with your girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, wife,

You eat dinner and then you sit around the house and you're holding it in. I don't. Well, you're not. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But if you're trying to like hook up that night and you're trying to have a sexy night together, you should take a fart walk. Yeah. I highly recommend a fart walk. You know, we do this. We take fart walk. You and your wife? I swear to God. I cut mine. Huh? Is that Susan Sarandon? No, it's not. Yes. I cut my farts. What do you mean you cut your farts? Oh, this is the butthole, right?

Oh, you slowly let it slide. No, I don't... No. God damn it, man. Yes. But let me finish. I don't... I'm going to use this. That's too big of a butthole. Let's just say this is the butthole. No, that looks right. Right. This is the butthole, right? What I do is I cup it like this, but with my fingers here, I spread open the cheeks a little bit. What's so funny? Carlos likes it. Yeah. I spread open the cheeks so it doesn't make a sound. Right. So it goes...

In my cup, right? And then what I do is I cup it. And you can get 40% of the smell in your hand. That's a number scientifically? Yeah. I've experimented. Where do you put it? What? And you go, hey, Charlie. Oh, you wave it out to the sky. Yeah, yeah. You wave it. Hey, Frankie. Whatever. Even if no one's there. You just wave. Yeah. Hey. Hey. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay. You don't cup your farts? I do not. Okay. Grab them? Yeah, grab them. It's a gas. Yeah. I got to say this. I think healthy couples should be able to fart in front of each other. You and Kalilah farted on each other. Yeah. That was kind of part of your tradition. Mm-hmm. Do you ever fart in front of your wife?

Of course I have. What are you talking about? Oh, but you were mad at me. Yeah, when you farted on my wife? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I was very mad. I didn't see a man get so mad. I was very upset. That was a line cross. Yeah. You get really defensive around her. When you fart on her, yeah.

You can't fart on someone's wife. That's insane. It's not even just that, pal. I don't even sneeze. It's not even just that, pal. In front of Fancy's wife, I don't even sneeze. Here's another thing he does, dude. Yeah. Right? The coffee incident in Austin. What happened in the coffee? Do you remember? What happened? You call me and go, you want coffee? I go, yeah. I walked out and said, I had just woken up, right? And you guys, you and your wife are sitting there. And I walk up to your wife and I go...

As if, where's my coffee? And you go, hey, man, back up, dude. Sit there, dude. Fuck, don't talk to my wife like that. That's right. Why? Because I did this? What the fuck is that? You don't walk up to someone and go, yes, you do when you want coffee. Yeah, at a coffee shop. No, we were in the hotel lobby. No, he was saying this to my wife in the hotel lobby. Okay, you weren't in the coffee shop anymore, Bobby. That's right. Imagine, imagine if you said that to your wife, fancy, walked up to her like this, like she's a fucking, like she works for you.

You don't ever do that. So yes, I made you go sit down and you went and sat down. I said, sit down. Don't do that ever again. Sit down. Yeah, but see, you don't talk to me like that. Yes, I do and I did and I will. And you did. You went and sat down, didn't you? I don't know why. You did. I know, but I did. When you talk to me like that, I don't know why. I feel, you know what? I blush a little bit. Because it was rude. And I get a little angry too. But your coffee was on the way. So just sit down. Don't you demand it. It's gotten, by the way, I asked you. I said, can I get you something? Oh, that's right. That's what you did. That's right. Well, that's okay.

And I want to say this and shout out to fucking shout out to the way that you and I eat these days. We went to Three Forks. We ordered the menu. Oh my God. And I'm saying. And those boys. You know, you flip me. I remember when we first started touring. I said, Bob, you don't need to get all that. All those appetizers. I know you do it now too. You know why? Why? Can I say it on here? Good. I love it. Because you touched a piece of my heart and I'm going to tell the fans. Bingo. I'm going to tell the fans. Bobby came up to me one night. We were walking.

And in all seriousness, he said, hey, you have your thing. You can go have a drink with someone and go hang out. But all I have is food. That's all I've got. Are you doing right now? No, he's not back. Please don't say he's back. Is that Carmine? Oh, shit. Oh, no.

So what? This is why I love you. So yeah, so now what he did- No, you got serious with me. At three quarts. And you're not letting me be serious. You were being serious. Oh, you're being serious? You were being serious. And you said, I'm an addict. This is all I have. You got to let me have this. And you were very serious. You got emotional. And I said, you know what? You're right. Why would I keep you from enjoying something like this? So next couple of times we went out, including in the perpetuity,

We order anything you want. Anything you want. As much as you want. I even say to you, you're a B-zontos. You're a B-zontos. You're a fucking scotch. Thank you for being a bad friend. Thanks for being a bad friend. Very good.