See You In Purgatory w/ Chris Distefano 01:15:38

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Hey, bad friends, we are on tour. We keep adding cities as we go. People are like, come here, come here, come here. We're trying, we're figuring it out. But go to badfriendspod.com, badfriendspod.com to get those tickets. We're going to be all over the country, baby, adding cities as we go. Go to badfriendspod.com, grab them tickets to see your boys on the road. Are we ready? Yeah. Are we greenlit?

I need to set my stuff up, man. I need to look good. Here it is. Oh, you look good. Look how fat I am. No, but it's – Dude, I look like a dumpling from Chinatown. Yeah. No. You look – No. To me, right now, looking at this – Yeah, look at it. Look at it. See what it looks like. Let's see.

Yeah, right there. Yeah, you look like... Buddha. Happy Buddha. No, but you look like you're enjoying life. You look like you're having a good time on this planet. I wouldn't say you're necessarily fat at all. I would say you look like you probably have about 18 months left. Okay. Yeah, that's rude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You really? You two are fed up. Who are these two idiots? I'm an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.

You two are something. We're bad friends. Yeah. Let me, because I'm filling in for Santino, I thought I wanted to look like him. Okay, good, good, good. So I got just, you know, because I know he's in Australia now and who knows what. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I don't, because I want the people at home to, you know, not think that he's being replaced or anything. I want them to think that it's him. So I'm Andrew. Right, but you still have the bigger dick. Yeah.

You think I'm a bigger dick than Andrew Santino? Oh my God. His is so small. He does have a little red. Yeah, it's like pale. It's like one of those worms that you would see on the moon. Right. Right? Because it's like, it gets no sun and there's no, there's no like vitamins and nutrients in the soil. Yeah. The worm is just barely alive. He looks like, his dick, I bet you looks like just a pale, like just red.

like pale little unhealthy grotesque thing that always looks like it's like looking in the sun. That's why, what does he call his dick? What? Bobby Lee. Okay, I didn't know that I was going to come that way. You know what I mean? It went like this. I was like, we're having a good time. And then boom, right back to me. You were at the big boys now. It was like a boomerang. Oh, is that what New York does? Yes, well, the New York guys do. The New York guys do. Big boys. Okay, okay. Ask Dave King. He knows. Right. He's putting me in his next movie. All right. So here's the deal. May I begin? Because it is still...

You know what I mean? My podcast, kind of. Yeah. Well, not for long. Well, we'll see what – We'll see what happens. First of all, I want to say thank you so much for your help today because you know Andrew too. He's Hollywood. Santino is, yeah. You get it, right? Yeah. I'm doing Cena, Zac Efron. He goes to these private like Portland country clubs with Bateman and all those guys. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. And they –

You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know what they do. Yeah. Right? Yeah, no, he's Scientologist. These are tambourines, by the way. These aren't dicks. He, Andrew Santino, who I'm playing the part of today, is a known Scientologist, and I have text messages to prove that. 100%. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's so funny because he had a briefcase once, one of those old briefcases, and one of the latches were broken. Right. And he was kind of in a rush to get it, and it fell. Dianetics. Right.

Right? And then a little orb, right? Right. And I touched it, right? And Xenu appeared. Whoa. Fuck yeah. I got so scared. So scared. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then...

And then, right, David Miscavige came out of nowhere. Oh, my God. Grabbed the shit. Yeah. Got on a limb and just drove off. Just drove off. Yeah, yeah. Let me tell you something. Here's what's going to happen for the time on this podcast. What? Because I'm going to be Andrew Santino, but I'm going to be a little bit different. And the key difference is, guess what? I'm going to be the Andrew Santino who isn't mean to you. I'm going to be the Andrew Santino who's nice to you. Holy shit. And who doesn't have a compilation of him yelling at you on the podcast, which I don't support. I'm going to be nice to Bobby Lee. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, can I just say this? Yes. Is you don't have the ability to do it even if you wanted to. Because I don't have that in me. You're a softie. I'm a softie and he's mean. Yeah. You're gay. Yeah. You know what I mean? You're gayer. Gay. Yeah, yeah. And you're sensitive.

And, you know, like, you know, we were talking about playing the Hogwarts Legacy. You wouldn't even be able to handle that. No, I don't even know what that is. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I don't even know what that is. When I hear warts, I start looking at my penis. I bet you money any Harry Potter movie scares you. Any Harry Potter. Voldemort. Right? Yeah. Right? I don't know. The only thing I know about Harry Potter is I went on the ride.

I went on this ride once in Disney World. Yeah. You closed your eyes probably. I closed my eyes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I closed my eyes on that thing, on the ride. And I was literally – and yeah, anything with Harry Potter to me and my family is gay. Right?

That's what I tell my kids. Yeah, yeah. Let me ask you about Harry Potter. Do you know anything about it? Be real. Okay, what I know is... Name me all four houses. You can do that. Okay, the only thing I know about Harry Potter is I have my views align very well with its author. That's what I know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I know. It's so funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's good. It's good. It's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I don't know. I couldn't tell you one of the Harry Potter houses. I don't know. I know that it's not Daniel Craig. What's the lead's name? Daniel... Radcliffe. Radcliffe. Yeah, yeah. I know he got naked and did a play. I think the Vagina Monologues. I know that. I know.

I know the girl who was, uh, who was bell from, uh, from the beauty and the boost movie that I watched my kids in the movie, the boost beauty and the beast. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Beauty and the beat that she's fucking hot. That girl. Oh yeah. And then I think, uh, not in Harry Potter. No, not in Harry Potter. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then so, and so I know about that, but I, I gotta be honest with you. I have not seen, I don't think one second. You couldn't name me any of the houses even. Uh,

uh house of uh is Baltimore in uh Harry Potter yeah Voldemort Voldemort yeah that's not a house but it's not a house it's a guy I honestly dude I couldn't name you I could not even a character I couldn't I know Harry Potter that's it I don't know because that's in the fucking and the Hogwarts it's which is a school that's good okay that's a win but I learned that from the ride oh I see you got on the ride I got probably said yeah yeah yeah so I know I'm not a Harry Potter what are you guys big Harry Potter fans

Well, you know, number one, I'm an American citizen. Right. Allegedly. Yeah. Number two, I have eyes. Okay. Right. And I just simple cultural things I know. Right. I think that Harry Potter is a cultural thing that people should have like kind of a – it's like when I met this girl on Hinge and she goes, what are the Beatles? Right.

Yeah. That's what Harry – when you say I don't know anything about Harry Potter, that's what it feels like to me. What are the Beatles? How about this? You don't like any – I feel like you're not a fantasy guy. No. No. Like I literally – like to prepare for this show because I knew I was going to do a show with you, I watched everything anywhere all the time. You know that big movie? I watched that to prepare because I was like let me get –

You know, Bobby wanted to speak about this. You would think that that would... Why that movie? Because it's the most...

Relevant one? Yeah, because, yeah. There's so many other movies you could have watched. It's the Asian one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I thought- You should have started with Kung Fu Panda. Right. That's a good one. Kung Fu Panda's good. It's a very good one. Crazy Rich Asians. No, even go back. Oh. You could have even gone back. Mulan. Yeah, you could have gone, yeah, Mulan. Mulan is one of my favorite ones. I can't believe Ronnie Chang wasn't in Mulan. Yeah, Kung Fu you could have done, the TV show. Okay, yeah. Yeah, that was a good one. David Carradine. Yes. I mean, he was- My favorite, I like David Caruso better. Yeah.

You do? Yeah. Why? Didn't he's the one who autoerotic asphyxiated himself? Yeah, David Carradine was. David Carradine was, sorry. I apologize. I was blinded by Carlos's head. Yeah. Oh yeah, Carradine. Yeah. Yeah, Carradine did it. Wow. He tied him, you know what I mean? Do you think you could kill yourself? You think that's a martial art?

Autoronic asphyxiation? You think that's like a move? I think it's a talent. I do think it's a move. And I think that, you know, my kids are in jujitsu. I'm hoping, I'm wondering when that lesson is. That's the one I'll go to. You think that when the door opens, he goes, hi-yah! And that's when you come? Yeah, that's when you come. Hi-yah! Yeah, yeah. And some guy gives you like a stripe on your belt. Yeah. I think that, yeah, autoronic asphyxiation. Let's try it.

You want to try it? Not now. No, you ready for this? I really want to try it with you. I'm on my new blood pressure medicine, shout out Lasardin, and it's doing its trick, 50 milligrams, but not as horny. And I don't get, I'm not waking up with morning wood. It's actually causing some issues in relationship. Onlodipine?

Oh, Losartan. Okay, I take Omolodipine. What's your BP? What does that mean? Blood pressure. Bad. Still even on the meds? No, on the meds it's okay. Right, but do you ever forget to take the meds or you take them religiously? I ran out. When did... Dude, you're telling me... Like seven months ago. You're like, oh, you're like, oh... I take it. You're like, oh, sorry, I've had a 48-hour stomach virus. I'm like, no, dude, I think you're having stroke symptoms. I think that's what it is. Oh, yeah, I want to announce to everybody. So I have... Did I already say it in front of everyone? I had a 48-hour virus...

I'm here in New York shooting the Sex and the City show. I wrapped like late and then I came to the hotel. I don't want to say it was, I don't know where I got it, but I shat my pants.

for a long time. And then my dick smells weird. It really does. It smells so weird. Because I think the poo, because when you have diarrhea that long, you forget to wipe. It sucks, yeah. I feel bad for the prostitute that got that on her chest when she came over. Don't cut that part out. It was me. It was my cousin. But my point is, so then today I woke up and

And I had my first meal in two to three days. What was it? I had a BTS. BLT? BLT. Oh, no, BTS is the Korean pop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love BTS. I had to eat that one time too. Yeah. And it was delicious. Yummy, yummy. Yeah, in Korea. I got it in Korea. I think that, well, I'm happy that you're better and then you have your first meal. Well, no, because I feel, no, because I don't feel fully like,

You know what I mean? Comedy ready. Right. You know what I mean? So, you know, when you came in, I'm like, I'm glad it's you because you're so good. You know what I mean? You have a gigantic pimple on your nose too. What's that from? Man, man, it sucks that you would even bring that up. But yeah. No, I thought it was because you missed Santino. You just wanted to make your nose beat, right? So you can at least see something. Yeah, man. It was because for two days I didn't even wash my face.

And I woke up like with this thing on my nose. But here's the good thing about being Korean as we speak about this is even though you haven't bathed, Koreans don't have it. They have a gene that makes them smell us. You don't smell. In the pits, I don't. It's impossible. Yeah, yeah. You could say whatever you want about it. You want to smell my dick? I'll smell your dick. Really? Dude, it does smell like shit. Yeah. Oh, my God, dude. I haven't taken a shower in three days. His penis literally, it fucking stinks.

- No, it doesn't. - But it doesn't. - No, it doesn't. - No. - They put cologne on it. - No, no, no. - It smells good. - No, it's- - Yeah, don't do that bit. - No, it smells- - That was a trick, dude. That was from Hogwarts, dude. - Yeah. - That's what the game did. I learned that from the game, bro. - You think it's decent. - It's pretty good. The size? - Yeah. - Thank you, the Lord and Savior. Thank you. - For being like soft, whatever, soft dick, it's not bad. - Bro, can I defend myself real quick by the by? May I, right? For the public, right? I've been single for what?

Six months, right? And this is the honest truth. What's your name again, man? Wolf. Wolf, hear me out. Because you're the only one that doesn't know me here, right? When you look at me, Wolf, right? Look at me, Wolf, right? I know you're not gay or nothing. I get it, right? You're mad, all that stuff. But when you look at a guy like me, right? You would make an assumption that I had a small penis, right?

Be real. I wouldn't. You wouldn't? You wouldn't have any opinion probably. No opinion. Okay. But you would. How old are you? 29. He doesn't even see gender. 29 year old. So he wouldn't even think about that. Oh, you're thinking I'm a they. Oh, I get it. You're dressed like a they. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My bad. My bad, dude. I didn't know. Wolf. Wolf. Wolf.

But Wolf, I will tell you from firsthand account, he does have an above average size penis bar. So the women that have seen it since I've been single this time, right, they've all remarked, what a surprise. And I think, honestly. I agree. And I think that's better going in like that. Yeah. Because if I was Wolf. Right. Right?

who happens to be a black guy. Can I say that? Sure. Right? If I was Wolf and Wolf had my size penis, it would be a disappointment. It would be a problem. It would be a problem, a disappointment. My point being, right, is I think I'm winning.

Yeah, Wolf, I would say if there was a contest and I would say whose dick is bigger, Wolf's or Bobby's, I would not think you. But after seeing your penis, I think you could be within striking distance of Wolf. Thank you so much. Yeah. You know, I'll take that as a win. Speaking of Wolf's. Yeah, go ahead. I've seen Twilight. I haven't seen Harry Potter's, but I've seen Twilight. Team Edward, Team Jacob. Okay, why? Why?

Because that's stuff that my daughter and my girlfriend want to watch, but they don't want to watch Harry Potter. Harry Potter, my stepson wants to watch and he's, you know, not my, you know, we're, we're, we're connected because he's my stepson, but I don't watch the kind of stuff he wants to watch. I only watch my biological children. Okay. That's fair. I'm kidding. I love my stepson. I know, but so if you wanted to watch, so he's, he's asked, daddy. Yeah. Daddy. Can you watch Harry Potter, Harry Potter, which means. Yes.

Harry Partridge, yeah. He's the one that wanted to- How old is he? Does he talk like that? 12. Yeah, he talks like that, right? He talks like that, yeah. Right? Yeah, no, he has Down syndrome. Daddy. No, that's rude. This is what white 12-year-old kids- I did the fucking- I'm a sketch guy. You are a sketch guy. I was on a sketch show for eight years. I've done the research. Yeah. Right? And I know about, right? On television. Not this shit that people do on YouTube. You know him when he thinks you're Bowie Young. No, no.

He thinks you're Bowen Yang. I'm not Bowen Yang, right? I was before him. But that was another good one. Thank you. Yeah, but my point is that, so I've done my research, so this is... Daddy. Right? What is body weakness?

what would you say to him what i would say i would say um i would say hold on well first of all yeah i would i would remove my penis from his mom's mouth and i'd say oh i see yes and i would say i told you to fucking knock when i'm in here with your mother i'd say what do you want to watch harry potter i harry potter i would say i would say okay fine you can watch it after i watch the game now go get me a beer

That's what I'd say. Oh, the game. The game. Right. I would say we're watching the game first because this is my house. Okay. If you don't like it, you can go live with your own fucking family. Go Patriots. No. Is that what he would say? No. Well, he would say that and then he'd get a smack just like his mother. Oh, then he would say, let me guess. Yeah. Go...

What's New York, New York? Jets. He'd get another fucking smash. Oh, I get it wrong every time. Oh, okay, okay. Go Yankees. Yeah, then I would say, okay, good. Oh, to take it when they're hitting me daddy in the face again. Yeah. Because they are so bad. Yeah. What else? Oh, I know. The New York Red Bulls.

Hit me. Hit me, daddy. And he's jerking off. Yeah, he's jerking off right there. No, and by the way, I would never hit my kid. And he would never jerk off. And this is just a sketch. I would never hit my kid. This is just a fucking sketch. I would never hit my kid. Exactly. I would never hit my girlfriend. I would never make my stepchild watch me get a blowjob from his mother. I'm impersonating Andrew Santino. Those are things he would do. He would 100% do it. And those are things he's playing by Scientology rules. Playing by Scientology rules. Yeah, but he wouldn't be on medication. That's what it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, I made my stepson watch Cheeseburger.

- Yeah, yeah. You know, it's funny, Chris. What's going on? - Carlos is shocking every time I see him, by the way. - He doesn't look like, he's from this era. - He literally- - What era does he look like, bro? - Carlos, honestly, he looks like a woman from the future.

I was going to do a bath. Like Galileo. No, this is what the future is going to... This is what's happening now with gender. Oh, I see. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is a future woman. This is a future woman. Carlos is a woman... Look, King wrote it down again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good premise. Yeah. Woman from the future whose dick smells like diarrhea. That's the movie. Yeah.

Yeah, we should do a movie. She, 2086. Yes, and it's Carlos is the star. You're the star. And what happened? Now, does the woman that looks like that in the future, right? Because some people don't know. Oh, yeah, people know who you look like. People know Carlos is the star. Yeah, but just stand in front of the thing real quick. Look, this is what a woman from the future looks like. This is the new movie.

Yeah, go on. Sit next to me. This is the new movie. She, 2086, right? Dude, it's – We both actually – me and you both look like women from the future. Yeah, so let me ask you. In the women from the future, right, is the vagina still the same shape and whatnot? No, because I think it's morphed over the time. It's having less and less children. Nobody has kids right now. Right, so it's – oh, so it's harder to find? It's even harder to find. Tighter. That's good. It's calcified. It's more calcified. Is it the hymen? Does the hymen grow back?

And creates a wall? Where's this chain from? Is that Amazon? Oh, that's a Gucci chain. I like that. Fucking idiot. How much? Big money? Like 900? 900 for that. I fucking like that, dude. Yeah, thank you. You got it from Italy? No, you know what it is? Not hard work. Rich parents. Do you have rich parents? Good. Nice, dude. Well, I'm also at work right now. I flew here. I know. Thank you so much. You flew over just to walk him here? We flew you here. Yeah, I mean, first class? First class? First class?

Not first class, right? No, of course not. Well, here's the question I have for you. Can you get on screen? Yeah, come on. Get on screen. Where's Wolf at? Wolf left. Wolf. Yeah, yeah. Wolf, because he's 29. He's a 29-year-old black man. He staged a protest. Yeah. That's it. All right. See, this is what happens if you give them time on camera. Then they keep going. Yeah, I'm in the water. Now, see, Santino would never allow this to happen. He wouldn't let Carlos on screen. No, I want him on. I want him on. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Just for a second, though. Wait a second. Is Fancy out then? Where's Fancy? Fancy.

He had a baby. He had a baby? Yeah. I have text to prove that Fancy's on Russia's side. Fancy has taken Russia in this great war. So I hope that the people know. What war? Russia versus Ukraine. Fancy has been telling me privately that he hopes Russia steamrolls Ukraine. Holy shit. So just want to let you know who you have working for you. Wow. So maybe he knows Putin. I think he does. Or maybe he has Russia. Is his wife Russian? No.

No, she's a white girl from the South. Are you sure? By the way. She could be a sleeper agent. With Fancy's hip and ass he has, also looks like a woman from the future. Fancy loves portos. Dude, that's true, right? Right? He's got handles. He does have handles. Yeah, yeah. Dude, if I was in prison with Fancy, dude, I would just grab the skin around it. Yeah. And that's a lot of skin. Yeah. And I would just yank it down onto my dick, dude. Fancy, he's got a body like one of those guys, like he lost 300 pounds and never got the skin surgery, but he was never fat to begin with.

So he was just born with the DNA of a guy who lost all this weight, but he never had to lose it. Right. He would confuse Dr. No. Yes, yes, yes. Yeah, he would walk in, Dr. No's like, hey, buddy, you need to get the skin removed. He's like, I'm not one of those. Oh, buddy, you tricked me. Yeah, yeah. That's what Dr. No would do.

Do you love that show? No. That's the one with the 500 pounds. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like that show. I like that show. But sometimes I feel like what happens now with television is it makes people almost want to be fat just so they can get on that show, right? Like I think sometimes people are like, oh, let me get to 800, 900 pounds on my casting tape. They see that I'm like a real fucking whale. Yeah.

But you couldn't be like 150 and go, I got to get to 600. No, you'd have to be like 400. And if you were 400 pounds, I could see you're laying in bed like you're 400, right? And you're watching TV. It's like, God, they just don't do shows about 400 pounds, right? And then your head clicks. Right. And he goes, if I just ate three extra pizzas today, a day, I could get to the TV level. Yeah. Right. And then that's, that's the thing. I think there's somebody out there that does that.

Right. I think that there's somebody out there that has tried to get on the show just by overeating with the simple fact of, I just want to get cast on that show. That's what I think. Yeah. By the way, you haven't commented, I lost weight and you didn't say anything.

You look great, Chris. Not only did you look great. Honestly, when you walked into the fucking thing, I gasped. Yeah. I gasped because I went, oh, my God, here's a real star. I'm being real. Can you take the wig off now? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you commented about mine. You're a good looking guy. Give me the wig. Fuck the wig. All right? You have good hair. Do you? I'm telling you right now, dude. I'll be real with you, dude. I'll do this. You could be...

I hate to say this. You could be the best looking male comic in show business right now. What about Matt Rife? No. Hottie with a body. He is hottie, right? But there's... He's suspect to me. Got it. Like if he's straight or gay? No. Are you cray-cray? No, what's suspect about him? Are you cray-cray right now? No, what's suspect about him? Right? Are you cray-cray right now? No, I'm Matt Rife with Kate Beckinsale. I know what he does. Because I...

I know that if Matt – I got to fart. Do it. Into the mic. Do it. Nice. Nice, dude. Look here. I took a sexy pic for you too. So could I say something about Matt Rife? Yeah. He's hot. Fuck, dude. Holy shit, dude. You can almost see my penis. I love it, dude. You want me to put it up on the show? Yeah, yeah. Put it on the show. I'll text it to you. Let me see. Matt Rife is somebody I look at him and I go, oh, I could beat him up.

But he's a boxer, though. It doesn't matter. I feel like I can. So he wouldn't be. But you, I just know you would defeat me. Right. In a real – you would never – because your insides would go against it. My point, though, because you're a good guy. But I'm just saying if we didn't know each other and I went in and I –

you know, hoogly boogly your kids, you know what I mean? Yeah. You're saying I could get it to a level. What does hoogly boogly mean? Who knows? Who knows? Because I would do this. Because I think, because I think, you know what the difference is? Because I think I know a little bit more about history than Matt Rife. So my hate for Asians is more than him. Because when you look back at history, you really want to hate the Asians. Can we talk about that real quick? Yeah. Because, you know, I have a new standup joke about Oppenheimer. Love him.

Right. Love him. He did a good thing. Okay. Manhattan Project, he needed to do that because the Japanese were out of fucking control. Yeah. So the joke is, you know what I mean? There's certain movies I can't be... Can I just tell you the joke? Yeah. That I wrote, right? Let's do it. So, you know...

Just some movies I can't be in, like Oppenheimer, Christopher Nolan. It's a white movie. You know what I mean? The guy that invented the atomic bomb, right? You know, Matt Damon, Robert Downey Jr. And I say, I could be in Oppenheimer 2, Hiroshima, right? I'll be on screen for five seconds. You know what I mean? I have only one line. Do you hear plane? You know what I mean? And it's working really well. That's a great joke. But when I tell the joke, though, I get angry. And the...

Because it always fucking reminds me. Because look at Pearl Harbor, dude. Yeah. Right? They show that movie. Right. Look at what they did. Right. They were sleeping. Yeah. Emperor Hirito, no. Right? Yeah. Right. And then check this out, right? What? In return? What?

It's like the old Russian thing that they say. If you hit me with a feather, I'll hit you back with a tank. Yeah. Right? Yeah. They hit us back with 10,000. I'm not Japanese. Right. But they hit them back with 30,000 tanks. Yeah. Kamikaze isn't a feather. Do you think it was like a right? But do you understand? Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave's a Jew. You're Jewish.

Dave, as a Jew, I'm here to tell you. I mean, Hitler didn't like Jews because of art class, right? Some Jewish kid in the class painted a better picture. You guys are more creative. Hitler preserved all the art in World War II, by the way. Little known fact. All right. All right.

Anyway, so let's argue that. What the fuck, bro? Okay, so here's what happened. Yeah. So I think people too, you don't understand why the United States, they're like, why would Japanese hit the US? They had to because, you know, first of all, you're Korean. You know, if I was a Chinese person, which I'm not saying I'm not, I'm

United States, so I was definitely made in China. But I am saying that Chinese people from the era of the 20s, 30s, and 40s, they have a lot of reasons to hate the Japanese. You know, everybody talks about how bad, you know, white people are and the straight white male, and that's all in the news. The fucking Japanese, what they did to the Chinese is so much more barbaric. What they did to the Koreans! What they did to the Koreans, they would bayonet

babies, light people on fire, all in the name of Manifest Destiny. My dad told me the story once. Yeah. Because as a kid, I used to go... All the white kids, you know what I mean? Their parents tell them bedtime stories and you never do. And I said it for like a year, right? And so one night, I was like maybe 11, 10 years old. I was in bed. And my dad walked in and he goes, story time.

Right? Like more like with a smile. Yeah. I'm like, this is cool, right? Yeah. And he goes, you know, in Korean war, way back when Japanese oppressed, okay? They take Korean, they take and they tie them with a rope upside down. And I go, okay. And they take a gigantic, you know, big, you know, boiling water, you know?

He would do the movement. Right.

Right, right? And I remember going, okay, thank you. Good night. You know, like I didn't want him to finish, right? Yeah. But like that's the kind of shit they used to do. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That was – they were – and so the Japanese atrocities – But it's one guy, right? Yeah. Did you take off your hair to show that you're more Japanese now? Because you just busted out a samurai ponytail in the back. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm 10% Japanese. You know I'm 10% Japanese. Are you 10% Japanese? Yeah, I did it at the 23andMe. So more, okay, probably because it was raped into you. That's probably what it was. No, seriously. Are you being real? They came and raped it into you. Oh, they raped it in me. The 1930s Japanese, the 1930s Japanese can go fuck themselves. The 1930s Japanese deserve the nuke. Not the civilians, but the 1930s Japanese soldiers deserve it.

Oh, the ones now are cool. The 1940s Japanese soldiers deserved. Oh, yeah. Now the fucking Japanese. Pokemon. Godzilla. Godzilla. Hello Kitty. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You know what I mean? Nice. Nice. Proportion. Nice. The best. The candies. Amazing. They dunked a little stick into the chocolate and Pokemon.

Nintendo. I love it. I love a modern day Japanese, but back then, yeah, that's what, and that's why the United States, the atrocities were so bad in Nanking. You know, they've heard of the rape of Nanking. No, no. So, okay. Nanking, China, right? Sounds like a good restaurant to go to the rape of Nanking. Don't you think? Would you eat at a place called the rape of Nanking? A hundred percent. Yeah. It'd be delicious. Yes. So Nanking, Nanking, Nanking was the, um, was the capital of China called the Republic of China, Rock, Jay-Z. And so Nanking, um,

The Japanese, when they were invading China right before World War II, they said, we're going to invade China. And they said, we need to have a terror. We need to put fear into the Chinese people because they viewed the Chinese as subhuman. So they started – they went into Nanking. They bayoneted the babies, raped the women, tortured the women, killed them, burned families alive in front of the father, all that stuff. Horrific, horrific, horrific. And then the United States –

heard about that. The whole world heard about that. And they said, we're done dealing with Japan embargo, no money for oil, no money. We're not helping them out in any way, shape or form. Cause Japanese were like manifest. Just like we want to take over all of Asia. That shit is ours. So then that's why they bombed us, the Japanese, because they had, we stopped giving them money to fuel their war machine and oil to fuel the war machine. So they hit Pearl Harbor. When they hit Pearl Harbor, they fucked up. Then they got put in the microwave three years later, but they deserved it. You know what? Thank you. There you go. You're right. My

My name is Chris D'Arita Stefano. Yeah. Chris D'Arita is a little segment I do on my YouTube. But you know what bothers me? You like those? What bothers me about the whole thing? I'm going to do one on your head. I think you're right. But what bothers me about it is because the people that died though, right? Did not deserve it. Literally have nothing to do with it. Zero. It's the government. It's Emperor Hirohito. They worship him as a sun god, right? Yeah. And it's like all these people, babies, people.

Why are you smiling, you piece of shit? Because of the sun god thing. It made me laugh. Yeah. What? That's what they said, sun god. Yeah, it's crazy. It's crazy. The sun god would have a $900 Gucci chain. That's true, right? This is the sun god. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think because of how rich he grew up and privileged life he has, that was God's way to balance out. He said, I'm not going to grow any hair in the middle of your head for your whole life.

you can only grow on the sides but you have money right even wolf is what do you have sisters right yeah do they have this hair yeah they have hair they do yeah are you sure i've yeah i saw i mean is it like if i look at their head in the sun when i see gaps no no no they have actual hair yeah honestly this he has the type of hair that looks like he was born in the outskirts of hiroshima right right right right right right yeah yeah is your pubes fully there

Yeah, yeah. I'm good everywhere else. I grow a beard. What I like about Carlos is the commitment to this because much like Stavros, when Stavros will come out and have hair only – no hair in the middle and a gap in the tooth, beautiful women are like confident, confident. And Carlos, beautiful – are you gay? No. Okay. Allegedly, beautiful women. Beautiful women, I bet you come up to Carlos and are like – because they're confident. Confident, confident because you pull off that look, it is very, very difficult.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because he has the beautiful hair in the back, but it's just in the middle. That's true. Yeah, that's good. When did you start losing it? Oh, like when I was 20. Right. Yeah, I'm 35 now. It looks – I'm telling you, I don't know – if you had a full head of hair, I don't know if you'd be as handsome. I think you're better off this way.

Was the drug addiction because of the hair? No. I wasn't addicted to drugs because I was sad about my hair going. I don't know. I was asking. Can we replay that? No, I wasn't addicted to drugs. No, you could have been like 17 and you saw a clump came out. I want to get on fentanyl. No, my dad's bald and I knew it was coming. Oh, you knew it was coming. I just didn't know it would show up so quick.

No, but the thing is- It comes from your mom's side though, no? That's what they say. Male pattern baldness comes from the mom's side. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what they say. Yeah, I mean, I just saw my dad being bald and I was like, I assumed I would be- No, dude, it looks, it really does, like you really do look really good like that. Thank you. And you pull off, and it's interesting because when you put the hat on, it's like, oh, look, this flowing hair, and then boom, cancer. Yeah, I mean, I've mentioned this before. I used to work at a coffee shop with this midget, a dwarf, little person, right? He's all three. Whatever it is. He's all three. No, they don't mind the,

Yeah, yeah. Major dwarf little person. You know what I mean? They love it all. Hobbit. That I've seen. Right. But I worked with him back in the early 90s at a coffee shop. They had rights? Did they even have rights back then? No, you could step on them. You could do anything you want. Sometimes they would put them in the coffee grinder. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You could like lean on them. Yeah. They hated it. You know what I mean? Yeah, but – You could use them as a – but no rights back then. But this kid had tattoos though. Okay. Nice. I like that. And he had a gold tooth. Whoa. Right? So he was one of those. Nice. Wow. Magical. What? He's like magical almost. Yeah. And he was like aggro. What the fuck are you looking at, man? You know what I mean? Like one of those guys. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And he always had –

The hottest chicks I've ever seen. Confidence. And one day, you know, because he's only, he was only like an inch short of me. Right. So, you know, I would kind of like look at him like this, you know what I mean? Yeah. And go, I think, yeah, but, um, but yeah, I'm Asian. But my point is, is that how come, you know, you get so many women. He goes, he goes, he used to call me Lee. Lee. You're right. You're one of those guys. You know what I mean? Yeah.

I've seen you around men, you don't even try. You're scared. You know what I mean? I go to a bat a hundred times. I strike out 98 times. And sometimes I'll hit two. You don't strike.

- Wow. - And I still never strike after that lecture. I still didn't do it, but I got it. - But you got it. - I realized why. - What's the reason? - 'Cause I never, I was too scared. - Oh, but why did you not even try though? Like what's the reason? - Because I'm not willing to get rejected 98 times. - Right, but that pain. - But why did you pick a life in comedy then? It's our whole life is rejection.

That's a different kind of rejection. You think that a woman, you being rejected from a role or something like that is different than being rejected by a woman? No, because comedy rejection, I always felt that with society. How could it be worse than what society is doing? Right. Right? So, you know, I always viewed stand-up as a war. Me versus the audience. And I'm going to win. The military veterans right now are agreeing with you.

Thank you. The ones who are sitting there, you know, somebody has a torso is listening to Bad Friends right now. I'd be like, comedy is a war. They're fucking using a straw to fucking, they're blowing into a straw. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, you're right. I should use a different analogy. No, but I like it. Okay, okay. My point is, is that, but being rejected by a woman is a different kind of pain. And now I'm okay with it. I'm fine with it.

Yeah. I throw it out all the time and I don't care. You know what I mean? Yeah. Who cares? I mean, at this point, what the hell is the difference? There's no difference. You're 50 years old. We've been rejected. You're going to find a woman in your dreams. Can I go back to the China though? Yeah. And this is more of a historical thing. Please. I had read somewhere that it was the Chinese hundreds of years ago that were the first people to invent gunpowder. Yeah, that is true. Right? So they could have – And pasta. Yeah.

And pasta. Yeah. So they could have had, you know what I mean, guns and spaghetti way before the Italians or the mafia, right? Yeah. And my point is, is that if they would have developed that, the gunpowder into guns, because the Europeans took the gunpowder. Yeah. And they made these weapons. Yes. And that's why they took over the world. Yeah. Right? But why didn't the Chinese do that? I think because at that time, the Chinese, the Russians,

Some of the stuff I read was that they knew the power behind it and they wanted to leave it. But where the Europeans said, we know the power behind it. We're going to make like Oppenheimer. Yeah, that is interesting. Yeah, yeah. And do you think it's religious based? Because, you know, the Chinese, right, are Eastern religions like Buddha, you know what I mean? Sure. Peaceful people. Peaceful people, this and that. Well, Taiwan, we'll see. Yeah, yeah.

Right. But the Christians are more like, you know what I mean, crusades. You know what I mean? We'll make you believe, you know? Yeah. It's interesting, man. I think because with Christianity, I think that the fundamental difference is I don't think in Buddhism and the Eastern religions, I don't think they place such an emphasis on what happens here on Earth, on where you get placed in the afterlife. I think it's like spiritual ancestors. Where with Christianity, they're so worried about where they're going to be placed in

in the afterlife. So their actions here on earth get dictated by that.

That's what I think one of the – that's why I think Christianity, the guilt, the anxiety, the – at one point, the fucking being like you better be a Christian or else I'm not. If I don't convert as many Christians, I'm going to go to hell for it. All that stuff is – they believe placement here. But isn't murder a sin? Listen, people at different times in history can convince anybody of anything. I mean Russia just wants the land in the Ukraine. But they're saying all these – they're calling Ukrainian Nazis and this and that, which may or may not be true. Well, Nazis are bad. They're just taking the land.

You know, there was one... Here's the thing. What? Nazis were bad. Fuck the Nazis. But do you know there was a Nazi... Okay. There was a Nazi who actually tried to... In Nanking... No, he tried to help your people. In Nanking, when the Japanese were executing all the people of Nanking...

There was a Nazi. His name was John. And he, that was his name. What was his last name? I forgot. Barr, maybe? His name was Roseanne's father. John Barr. Okay, yeah, I'm with it. I think John wanted, John the Nazi wanted to help

The Chinese citizens flee Nanking and he went up to Hitler and said, can we organize help? And Hitler said, no. Hitler said- He's not Chinese. He said, well, no. Hitler was like, I want them all dead because Hitler was- He was like, they don't have enough art for me.

Hitler didn't like the Chinese art. The ceramics. I love it. Yeah. Listen, I'm not pro-Hitler at all. I'm just saying that they. Yeah. Well, wait, wait. So let me ask you about Hitler because obviously you know a lot. Sure. Right. So he didn't like the Chinese either. He didn't like anybody who wasn't Aryan, who wasn't, who wasn't. He specifically said, I want the entire race of people to have blonde hair and blue eyes when he didn't have blonde hair and blue eyes.

That's so wild. Yeah. Had he ever even met a black person? I don't think he ever met. If he met one, I think he would like him. Sure. He probably met one. Like he met Wolf? Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? He would be like, this guy's got the big penis. Bigger than Bobby Lee. Well, no, you would have to hide it. I think that we'd be threatened by that. Hide the dick, Wolf. You'd have to hide the dick. I would tuck it. Yeah. Right? And I would, you know, I would just, I'm sorry.

- What? - Nothing. - Okay. - Just say it. No, man! Because I know I say I ruined the fucking room. - Why? - What? - No, you won't. Bobby, it's your show. Ooh. Now, what is going on here with this podcast? Is it, what do you think? Do you think "Bad Friends," are we coming to the end? Is it gonna go for another 10 years? Is it gonna blow up? Is it gonna be Oppenheimer? What do we think? - Can I ask you this question? Why are you asking?

Because I want – Because I feel like you're asking me this because you want to do something with Andrew. I want to do something – no, no, no, no. No, believe it or not, I'm not asking because of that. I'm asking because it's similar because I want to do something with you. Are you being real with me right now? Yeah. I want to do something with you. You and I would have a good one. Yeah. I want to do something with you. Yeah. Who else could be in there? Wolf. Wolf.

There you go. Wolf, let me ask you something, bud. Let's be real, dude. Do you own this company here? No. No, you're just an employee, right? Yeah. Right. But check it out, dude. Right. If you got to produce a Bobby Lee, Chris fucking podcast, you would leave this company? No. What? Why? We could. Why? We could pay. He's got sex. You know how much money you would make with our fucking podcast? I'm happy. I'm happy.

He doesn't want to do it. Bro, HelloFresh gives us real money. Oh, my God. I love integrity. Yeah. That's integrity. Integrity. Hitler would have killed him for that. Yeah, yeah. Oh, no, no. That's the thing. You would have died for that. Make no mistake. The Nazis, they kill the artists and they kill the people like that with integrity. The integrity. I hate integrity. He can't be broken. Yeah, I don't like unbroken. He can't be broken. I want to break people. Yeah, you can't break people. Why are you so unbreakable? You can't break them. Do you like that? Do you think it's admirable? I think Wolf is admirable. Because Fiji Manor did that to me.

Fahim Ammar did what to you? So I was on MADtv. Do you hear about this?

I was on MADtv, right? And Fahim Anwar was an open miker, right? An open miker. Right. I saw him in open mics. And I was at MADtv and I go, I wrote a sketch with a couple of writers and I, it was like Dave Navarro was in it. Okay. Right? And it was like, you know, it was when MTV had those crib, that crib show. Sure. So I was going to do a Bobby Lee crib show, right? And, you know, you go through my house and you open up, and I go, this is my closet, you open up, and I wanted an Arab man. Right.

Right? Like kind of with just wearing a, you know what I mean? Yeah. A little head thing, making something and just look up. We don't even, you know, address it and just close it, right? Yeah.

like making food or a bomb i don't know what an oppenheimer yeah i don't know what it was no it's stew or something that's hilarious yeah yeah and he said no for him so i walked up to him he was an open i go and yeah dude it's like it's sag you know i mean and you'll get paid like 1500 because we're gonna use it as a you know i mean a guest star or whatever and he goes no i go why he goes i don't want to play an air person he's like wolf i like that

Yeah. Now, Wolf. The difference is Wolf would have did it. No, he wouldn't have. You don't think Wolf would have did it? No, no, no, no. You know what I would have? I would have sucked dick for it. I would have sucked everyone's dick for it. Diarrhea test. Even the fucking sound guy. Yeah. I wouldn't even ask what you do. He has a boom. What do you do? I'm a boom. Oh, you have no power. You know what my point is? I would like, I'm that guy. I think. I'll do anything to make it. Right. Would you? But now, uh.

I would say a few years ago, yes. That's what I think back then. Yeah. Now, no. What – but what – now that you have made it in many ways, what do you feel is missing? Because I feel like you're a guy who you've – career has become so successful, but you push the goalpost further and further away and you don't realize your success. Oh, no, no. I'm already there. You feel it. You feel good about yourself now then. No, I feel – Uh-oh.

It just, it just, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not, I'm being real. Cause I don't know. Cause I'm being real. I want to say the right thing. Right. I feel like I have everything that I've ever wanted or needed. Right. The future is bright. Yeah.

Why the fuck you say that? I'm just kidding. Did you get a new maid, by the way? Or is it still Kalilah's mom? Kalilah's mom. It's still your maid? That's beautiful. Because you're connected to her. It's a beautiful thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's a control thing, I think. Oh. From with who? From you to you want to have some sort of control still. I need to know things. Yeah. You want to be able to, you know what I mean, ask questions. Yeah. You know what I mean? I mean, the other day I go to Kalilah, I go, hey, I want to come over and

to your new house and see the dogs she goes not today i go why do you have a guy over she's like yeah oh she just said yes and i go okay does that hurt you what guy that's all i want to know so it does hurt you still and could i say another thing yeah i would like to get this off of my chest and you're not gonna fucking believe this david right let me tell you another thing she's on raya right we know okay you have seen her on there i know i've seen her on there too okay

I've seen you on there too. And a guy. You've seen me on there? No, no. I was going to say. I deleted that account. A guy that we've had on my, that we're associated with, right? Liked her on Raya. Oh, yeah. Went for her, right? It's not good. And now this guy has been texting me, hey, let's hang out. But you know that he went in on Raya. You know he went for Raya. Yeah, yeah. He doesn't know that you know.

I, because he never texts me and it's been like two or three texts in a week. Right. So I think he thinks he has a feeling. Right. So let's hang out. Let's party. Let's, you know what I mean? Let's get, let's hang. Right. And I'm like, yeah, let's do it. Next time I'm back. You know what I mean? But. You know. Well, how did you know that he messaged Sean Reier? She told you? She showed me. She showed you. She looked at who liked me. Got it. Right. And there should be a rule. No, there should be a fucking rule. Listen. Right. Right.

No, because Dave, if you and Esther. Dave's in the middle of this. Yeah, Dave, if you and Esther, right, broke off, right? Then she'd just be rude that Carlos can't like Esther. Oh, my God. Why are you putting me in that situation? Because you guys are all close. That you would perturb you. So this guy's like a Carlos in your life. Like he's close with you. Yeah.

It was George Kimmel. Dude, that would laugh. That was hilarious. No. No, this person is like a guy that I'm a huge fan of. Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll tell you later. I'll tell you later who it is. Yeah. You're not going to believe it, Wolf. I think, yeah. You're not going to believe it. He might work for his podcast. I think that my general rule, like even see Mr. Dave King, even though I haven't been in any of his movies yet.

Just even the simple fact being in the presence of him. If Dave died tomorrow in an accident, Esther was like, the only thing that's going to make me feel better is to go on a date with Chris. I wouldn't do it because even when I'm in a man's presence and I know him to be with that woman, of course, friends and family off, off, off limits. But even that, even Wolf's girlfriend, I would not even come close to anybody. You have a girlfriend, Wolf?

Yeah. Dude, bro, look at us right now, dude. Bro, bro, bro, look at us right now, dude. If you die, bro, right? We are not going to fucking hit on your girl, dude. No matter how hot she is, dude. No matter. Dude, when Koreans do this, scout on her, dude. Yeah. Hee-haw. Yes, dude. Okie dokie. Okay, dude? That's what it is, dude. Let's do a thing. Whatever. Yeah. What do we do? You know what I mean? Yeah. I,

I agree. You too, man. Dave, we don't do, right? I wouldn't. I wouldn't hit on them. I wouldn't hit on them. It's not right. But if they- Because there's plenty of women out there. Okay, but cut out with this though. And there's even more women out because a lot of guys are going trans. Ha ha ha ha.

Right. So good thing. I love that. It's right now. It's better, right? It's better because you have – not only do you have men's sperm count being altered by some type of, I think, conspiracy either from the Russians or the Chinese to infiltrate our water to make us more feminine because everybody I know is only having daughters. So that's one more women there coming up. I love it. I did that.

Yeah. Becoming female. So there's as many women as you can. So there's no reason to hook up or even try to hook up with one of your friends, girlfriends. That is a power move. Yeah. That is, it's all coming from power. And I think those people, I think those people, I would love for them to have been in Nanking in December of 1937. Thank you so much for that. Yeah. I really appreciate that, dude. Yeah. And I never, ever, ever, ever, ever, uh, try to try to hit on Kalilah. She tried to hit on me and I rebuffed it.

I'm kidding. Interesting. Well, you, dude, first of all, I feel like I only see you like once or twice a year. And every time I see you, though, every time I see you. Be real. Every time. Be nice. Every time I see you. Yeah, yeah. You look like a person to me that I think is going towards happy, but not there yet.

You're always struggling. You know what I mean? Like you're, but, but, but I don't believe you to be in a negative space or, or whatever. I believe you to be, this guy is, is right on the fence and he's leaning happy. So what is it going to take to push you into being happy? You know, you see all those people working those cobalt mines, right?

In Africa? Yeah. Right? Thousands of people. That's where we get our, you know, the battery from the cell phones, right? Yeah, I appreciate the 5G. Thank you so much for doing it. Thank you. Because we love it. You know what I mean? And I know that you respect that we have the phones. Yeah, I'm going to get a Tesla as well. And I know Cobalt goes into that. Yeah. So without your hard work. But my point is that, you know, these kids, like five-year-old kids, are making $2 a day. And these just... What's so funny? I'm not... Why do you let... See, every time there's a fucking...

Every time we do a photo, there's a dwarf or some fucking fucked up thing. You laugh and you're trying to make me laugh. And then the fucking people online think that I'm fucking evil. But it's you fucking, you Mexican piece of shit. Why do you laugh about the cobalt people fucking dying on the fucking fields? Because I know you're leading to a joke. There's no joke. I know it's funny. There's no joke. I know you're mentioning cobalt people on purpose. No, because I was watching cobalt today. You're gaslighting me.

I'm not because once I'm finished saying what I'm going to say, right? Yeah. You're going to realize there is no joke, right? And then who's the fucking sad one? You are. Because I assumed it was funny to make fun of them. You made an assumption, right? Today, right? I see these kids, you know what I mean, doing the cobalt, right? Right. Right. And I'm like, it just kind of dawned on me like, because I was laying down playing, you know, Hogwarts Legacy. You know what I mean? And I was like doing my own, you know what I mean, kind of mining in it. You know what I mean? Yeah.

No, I... What's so funny? No, what's so funny? You know what I mean? Because I, you know, I was capturing beasts, right? And I got some puff skins, right? And you have to comb them and then feed them, right? And I was mining their fur, right? And on my phone, I was like, there's a difference. There's a difference. And my mining...

I'm in a good place. Yeah, it's like R2 to mine. Yeah, yeah, it's not the same. Right. And people live these terrible lives, right? And I live such a great life. And you know, I've lived a life in the last 25 years that was magical. The last 25 years of my life

has been storybook. And I've complained through the whole thing. So what about the next 25? Through the whole fucking thing, just bitching and moaning, my back hurt, you know what I mean? And if I look back, I go, wow, you had a storybook life. Yeah. Right? And it keeps getting better. Right? So my point being is that I

I feel like if there is a God and if there is, I'm going to get there and he's going to go, you bitch through the whole thing. You go downstairs. No, you're not going to go downstairs. I don't want to go downstairs. You know what I mean? I want to go upstairs. It's going to make you wait. Purgatory. What? I think you go to purgatory. Oh, that's where you don't want to be. You really think I'm going there? Yeah. You don't want to be there. I'll tell you why you're going there too. Why? Because you want to tell me I'm going there? Yeah.

You're telling me I'm going there? Let's stop it for a second. You don't want to go now? Right? I know there's something you do too. And you do bad things. And you do things I know and I'm not going to say anything because I want to edit it out, right? Bad things? No, you and I are very similar in many ways. And I'm going to say this to my friend, right? I think God's chill with those things. We're both going there. So you have another thing coming. I'm sorry, Dave. You know him too, right? He does some things, alright? So you want to go there?

I think shut your mouth. It's not a bad thing. Shut your fucking mouth. I love you, man. I love you too. Thanks for coming to New York. Yeah. To help us out. Yeah. Right. But you know what I mean? I'm not going downstairs. I'm not saying you're going to hell. I'm saying purgatory. So I think you have a good heart, but like we're in a little bit of trouble when we die. So you think that I'm going to be in the middle ground. It's gray. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. In purgatory, I'm lost. I think it's like an emptiness. Am I Asian? Am I still Korean? No, you're just skin. I want to be Korean.

I want to be a spirit. You're just skin. Oh, I'm just skin? Yeah. If I'm in fucking purgatory and there's a mirror and I'm like, I'm fucking still Korean. I'm so mad. I'm not in a spirit form. The only one 100% going to heaven? Wolf. Going to heaven. Hell yeah. For sure, because he has ethics. You can tell. He won't suck a dick to get a fucking TV job. Here's the thing. Like me and Carlos.

Here's the thing. Is Dave going to heaven? Oh, yeah, for sure. Davis. Well, no, the Jews don't go to – they don't have an afterlife, right? They just go to the dirt. That's what the Jews believe? There's no afterlife? No, you just go into the dirt.

It's complicated, but that's why it's kind of different. Jews are just when we're dying, we're done. We're in the dirt. Life's over. I did not know about that about the Jews. Catholics think they're wrong, that they're going to be up there anyway or like in purgatory or whatever. Catholics, again, what you're doing here on earth will say if you don't go to confession. But there's also BS because it's like Al Capone, according to Catholics, is in heaven right now because he was absolved of his sins by a priest on his deathbed.

Yes, I can see that. I can see that. So now it's like you go – so it doesn't make any sense to me. But I think – No, I believe that – you know when – because I heard Jeffrey Dahmer right before – These glasses. Yeah, great. He died. He got beaten to death. You know what I mean? In prison. Yep. That he turned his life over to Jesus Christ. He might have. And now he's in heaven. Supposedly. But imagine being –

What? I heard he's in heaven. I heard he's in heaven, yeah. Well, the rules. Based on the rules. I think you still go to purgatory if you get last rites. Did Christians believe if you turn your will and your life over to Jesus Christ, no matter at what time –

10 seconds before you die, right? You go right to heaven. Are you going to do that? Right. That's what I'm going to do. That's exactly what I'm going to do. Dahmer did it. Other people did it. Good idea. Epstein did it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. When do you think you'll die? When? Where? Oh, shit. That's a good one. Rikers.

Rikers Island? No, he's not going to go to jail. Yeah, I'm not going to jail, dude. Very difficult to arrest an Asian. You got another thing coming, dude. What are you talking about? You're going to go to jail. Bitch. Bitch? Yeah, your behavior, dude, is un-fucking-godly, dude. That's insane. Why do you think you need to go to jail? Oh, like I just get caught buying drugs or something.

Yeah, yeah, you do some shady shit. I've been to jail for that. Shut the fuck up, man. You're the one that shows me sites that I don't even want to see, man. You don't have to go to jail for drugs anymore. That's insane. I can say some stuff, man. All right? Back up, dude. No, you're acting angelic right now. What? You're acting angelic. Angelic. Like a good person. Yeah, like you are angelic. Oh, you're saying that I'm... You're pretending right now. You think I'm a seedy guy? Yeah. I am.

We'll go with the good ball. I'm going. And I'm going to be happy to see you in Purgatory. Oh, I'm going to say – I'm going to immediate fist bump when we're in Purgatory. Oh, dude. Right. Or like the spirit. Yeah, yeah. What would you do if when you get to Purgatory, it's Carlos but it's mixed? He has hair on the top, none on the sides. Really?

What? So it's like a mohawk? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he can't grow it out. Oh, that's – I would laugh so hard. Everything's reversed. What would I look like then, you think? You? Yeah, because everything's reversed. I think if – yeah, if everything's reversed, no. You would have long hair coming out and then just the samurai thing on the head. Oh, yeah.

All right. That would be really funny. It'd be right in the middle of your head. That'd be cool, dude. Yeah, that'd be really cool. That'd be sick. Yeah, yeah. But you having the knowledge and the wherewithal to say that you know that the last 25 years of your life have been great, but yet you've complained, makes me believe that you're a lot more grounded and a lot happier than you've ever been. Well, the truth of the matter is that I've been really diving into –

And going to a lot of meetings and doing all that kind of stuff. And I don't know what it is. It's like, I've never felt this, um, kind of desperation to really do the work when it comes to my sobriety, because, um, I believe, I believe it's the key to, um,

a happier life. It was right. I started a, um, my own meeting in LA. Yeah. Um, and I've never done that before out of all the years I've, you know, I, I was so, so surprised. I got the place. I, we went and bought the thing that, you know, the book and the, and all the chips and all that stuff. We rented the place out, you know what I mean? And we did all the things people showed up. And when I'm in LA, it's like, I can't wait to go to that meeting. You know what I mean? And it's just like,

I don't know. It's like, I feel like I'm giving back. Right. You know what I mean? And I think that's what,

life is about let's be real because we talk about purgatory you know i mean about our seedy behaviors and this and that but at the end of the day i think that life is about helping others yeah is it not i think getting out of ourselves the things that i think have changed in my mind is yes life is about helping others pushing you know what you can forward and we're all connect i think all living things are connected like i used to be the guy that'd be like i don't want a pet

pets get this animal away. Like humans are the number one, but now I feel like we're all connected. Like the, like the, yeah. Like the spirit of a dog or something like that is connected. You know, you're, we're not that different from a pig. You're right. We're just like a couple of, a couple of, you know, numbers different on the DNA chain. And then boom, you could have been a pig. What we're talking about is I think that

You know, you are just, I think that you're in, in, in the best place that I've seen you in a long time, even though you're just coming off a 48 hour. Yeah. I felt spiritually, you feel good. Yeah. I feel, you know, it's funny. I, maybe it's because Andrew Santino is on the other side of the world and, and that's what it is. And that's why I was asking before, how long do you think it'll, it'll go? Because the truth is I am, I am looking to start something with Andrew Santino.

right here I want to take what I see what you guys have is I have a cold hard rule about never ever ever going near someone's girlfriend that does not apply to podcasts I want to steal and take what you have like a Japanese took Nanking I'm going to take it right and then I'll be honest with you take it from your heart and I'll take your entire team as well including Dave King I'll be honest with you dude go for it I think we should end it I think we should end it right now you just spoke truth

Yeah, we do have a tour that we have to do. Right. And a big one. A big tour. So we're going to finish the tour. Yeah. Let's make our money, right? And then, you know, we'll address it afterwards, I guess. That's what it is. You know what I mean? Or never address it like I did. Right. Let me ask you something, man. You could do that pretty easy, huh? Just cut people out like that? Oh, yeah. Cutthroat. Yeah, yeah. You've done that before? Yep. Yeah, yeah. How's that feel in your soul? Don't feel anything. Yeah.

I don't feel- No, you do. I think you do. No, of course. You're a good dude. No, yeah, I wouldn't. You don't ever want to hurt people. You don't, yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah. No, but it's one of those things where if this podcast ever ended, I would start a podcast with Santino immediately. The honest truth, though, is you would start one with him and not me? No, I'd start one with the both of you. You would do it three ways. I'd do what Sal did. I would start one with Joe DeRosa and me at the same time. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yep. I hate pranks. Pranks suck. Pranks suck.

Don't you hate pranks? I don't like a prank at all. I'm being real. No, because I – because pranks to me are sucker punches. We're doing real comedy here. Do it to my face. Let's do it. Give me your material. I saw one the other day, right, on TikTok, right? This Mexican kid or whatever, he takes one of those didgeridoo or something, right? He has a thing that makes a noise, right? And he's at a Home Depot, right?

And there's this manly man, you know what I mean, picking out his hammers. And this kid comes up behind him and blows this thing in this man's ear. Scares the shit out of this man, right? The man turns around, tackles him, and this kid's going, I'm sorry, it's just a prank. It's just a prank, right? And in my head, I'm like, smash him. Smash his skull into the ground, right? He deserves it, right? Yeah.

I hate him. Yeah. I never liked him when I'm watching him. Do you like him? No, you deserve to get, you know, whatever's coming to you. The Brazilian ones are good though. There was a- The scary, the crazy ones they do in Brazil? What do they do? Oh, they fucking, people walk into an elevator, right? Yeah.

and the elevator stops and there'll be a flick of the light the light will go out and a little demonic girl will crawl through a little opening and then the lights will come out and there'll be a demonic girl there and people will have these ptsd traumatic fucking it's brazilian pranks yeah yeah i like if you take it to that level where people need to do emdr and the therapy yeah then that's pretty good that's right yeah that's worth it right but like the american pranks though

I don't like whack. Yeah. Like a, like a, like a Tik TOK or a YouTube thing. It's stupid to me. I don't need that. Now I listen guys. I know you're trying to make a living, right? And make your living. I know there's entertainment is entertainment. And there are a lot of people that do like it. By the way, I was just, you know, um, I love you. I love you too. I've known you for a long time and you've always been supportive of me.

Well, I mean, we've said this before. The reason why I like you so much is because, you know, I met you when my career was legitimately not going well. Right. You know what I mean? I was like...

you know, just reaching for straws really. You know what I mean? I was desperate. Right. And I was in New York and I was on Opie when I think Anthony was gone. Anthony was gone. And you were there. Yeah. You know what I mean? And I had never met you before. I never even knew you. Yeah. And I remember doing the podcast with you or the radio show. Yeah. Serious radio show. Yeah. Oh, this guy's good. You know what I mean? Yeah. And then we had breakfast afterwards with, with Opie. And I just remember you being so nice to me and like, um,

complimentary is that the right word yes and we had also like this same kind of humor I guess in terms of quickness or whatever right and I was just like no I really like this guy and you just stuck in my brain since then

I mean, as a good dude, you know? I appreciate it, baby. I think too, that's why I was bringing it up because, you know, social media, what's helped me a lot getting off it is not seeing comments and not seeing any of that stuff because I made a decision, like a hard decision to say, if I don't know who you are, like at all, if I don't have, if I've never personally met you, if I don't know you in any capacity at all, if I've ever been in the same room with you, then I won't let your opinion of me

sway me one way or another. I won't let it... If you tell me how great I am, I won't let that get in. If you tell me how much I suck, I won't let that get in. I'll listen to it from friends and people I know. Because you get involved in that where you start to then become the comedian that you don't want to become because you're listening. Somebody will make a comment on a YouTube or an Instagram and say something you're doing is not funny. It's like the same guy...

that is at the Knicks game saying that the player on the Knicks sucks. It's like, no, the player on the Knicks, even if it's at the end of the bench, is the best basketball player you've ever seen in your life. Just like, you know, comedians doing it how we do it, whether you think we're funny or not, it's like there's not a chance in hell a person making a comment on YouTube could ever even do half of what –

We're 10 times funnier than them on their best day on our worst day, you know? So I've just kind of separated all that. And because of all that, I do feel like I've been the comic that I want to be. And I appreciate, you know, when I hear my peers like you say you're doing good work. There's two things I want to say. Yeah. Oh, I thought you were doing like Korean peace song. No. Okay. But what I want to say is two things. Okay. Okay. Number one, this shit lives in clips, right? So I used to go –

If I was doing a pie go with somebody and it's not killing the whole time. Right. I'll go, oh my God. Don't even put it out. Eating it. Right. And now I don't care. Yeah. Because they all live in clips. Number two, right? Yeah.

direct messages that I get, you know, because I'm single, right? So how do you get girls from direct messages? Because I can't look, I can't look at it all because 90, 50% of it's hatred. Sure. So what I have to do is I have to skim through to find, you know what I mean? Yeah. Chicks through the thing, but quickly. Right. Right. Because if I read any of it,

Because you can read the first five letters, right? If you tap on it, you can just read the whole thing. But I'll read like, you fucking gook, unfunny, right? And I have to read through all that. So I do it quickly. So it's really hard. But I think even that, even that when I was single, I think that even, you know, that you can get trapped in that trying to look for women and find that like who only know you from this way. And if the whole method of them trying to get with you is through your DM, then already it's not what you want. Already you're like –

I would keep that at arm's length now. Yeah. How did you meet yours though? Huh? How'd you meet your wife? I met her at a bar. I met her at a bar. At a comedy club? No, no, no, no. She didn't know I was a comedian, but then she found out. I'm saying, but I've been with her eight years now, you know, we have children and all that, but I'm saying I've, I don't have all the answers, but I do feel since I've been off social media, my whole life like has improved in a way. And I've said to him, cause I said to myself, if I,

I may not be commenting back to everyone. I realized like, I can't give my energy to complete strangers. I do it on the stage and on the podcast. This is when I get my energy to people. I don't know. I can't then give the energy to them also on social media and Facebook and YouTube. I don't do that anymore. And I feel like career has just been going up, up, up, like little by little the way it should be. Like when you're losing weight, you can't lose. You're killing it.

I mean, your name comes up like on the West Coast and people can't even believe I know you. I'm the next Matt Rife. No, dude. Dane Cook. Yes.

You're the next Dan Cook, Dad. Are you going to come to Radio City in September? Will you be in New York doing Sex in the City? So in September, you're doing Radio City? September 22nd, I'm doing Radio City Music Hall. Tickets at christycomedy.com. Here's the deal. What I would like to do is just come to support. I would need backstage passes. Sure. Right? Yeah. I'm not going to go in the audience. No. That's ridiculous. Yeah. Right? Yeah.

I'm going to be in line like, oh, I'm going to hear and see Krista Stefano. Yeah. Right? I'm not doing that. Right? I need the pass. Right. I need an extra pass for some girl that I'm bringing. Yeah. To get clout. Right? And fruit bowl. What's the biggest venue you ever did?

Don't tease me, dude. No, no, no. What do you mean? Sacramento Punchline. No, because you – because when I met you, I remember you doing Gotham. You had all the shows sold out, killing. But then it changed like the last few years. Now you do the big theaters. No, I don't. I do –

The comedy clubs, every other comic does. Why don't you do the big theaters? Do you not want to? That's what we're starting with the fucking Bad Friends thing to see how that's going to go. No, but you personally. Like Santino was doing the Chicago theater. I don't know how to do it. What do you mean you don't know how to do it? You've been in the game so long. No, they call me. Do you want to do clubs? No. You want to punchline Sacramento? All right. For me, it's this, okay? I don't know how to do it. But yes, you do.

You have a powerful agent and you have a fan base. Right. So what I'm going to do- You have the two things that everybody wants. I just realized I could do it because I just played a club in San Jose, right? San Jose Improv? Yeah. Shout out. Yeah, I love them. And, you know, I could have done probably eight solo shows or whatever. Easily. And in my head, I'm like, whoa, I could-

That's what rooms fills 600 people. That's like a mini theater. Right. And then if I could have sold that many tickets, I could have just one night in a theater. Could have done the California theater right there in San Jose. Maybe. I don't know. 1,500 seats or something. Yeah, maybe I could have done that. I'll be there February 25th. Yeah, go. But my point is that you're right. I think I can. But what I'm going to do is I'm going to do this run with Andrew. Okay. Right. And then the next time I go on tour, I'll do that.

Okay. Okay. Anyway, thank you so much for supporting me and coming here and helping me because Andrew is a Hollywood star now. And when I found out that you were the guy that was going to help me out here today in New York, I was so excited and so relieved because I honestly believe that I love you so much. And I love you more than Mark Norman. I love you more than Andrew Schultz. I love you more than Bobby Kelly and Jim Norton. No, I love all of them. But my point is-

There's a special part of my heart. I appreciate that. But thank you so much. Thank you for being a bad friend. Thank you for having me. And also just real quick, I just want to say all the stuff that was edited out, I have been recording on my end. You can go to patreon.com. Thank you.