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This season, Instacart has your back-to-school. As in, they've got your back-to-school lunch favorites like snack packs and fresh fruit. And they've got your back-to-school supplies like backpacks, binders, and pencils. And they've got your back when your kid casually tells you they have a huge school project due tomorrow. Let's face it, we were all that kid.
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What do we have on June 28th? We're doing a live feed. We're doing a live show. Yeah. From Moment House is presenting it. Moment House. We've never done a live stream show before. Yep. It's going to last much longer than a regular show. How long? We have guests. It's about 17 hours. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We have guests. We have huge surprises. Huge surprises. Yep. So sign up and get those tickets for Moment House. And the link is in the description below in the bio. MomentHouse.com slash BadFriends. MomentHouse.com slash BadFriends.
I cannot wait to do it. I can't wait. You two are bad. Who are these two idiots? I'm an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. You two are something. We're bad friends. He brought in a bunch of kids. Kids. Here's the problem, right? When they're not laughing or there's silence, it puts extra pressure on them. Big time. He's telling them to shut up or they get kicked out of class. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you don't shut up.
Dude, he makes these kids come to this. He makes them come here. Otherwise, they don't get credit. Do you know that? I'm dead serious. He makes the kids come here. Or they don't get credit. And there's 15 kids out there. Yeah, but they don't volunteer. One of them is a fan of ours. No, the guy with the shirt. I walked in. They were like, who are you? Are you the janitor? They thought I was the janitor. The guy. Wait till you see what they said to Doc. What did they say? Wait.
Somebody's driving. Take all my money. Somebody's driver's here. It was bad. Oh, really? Very bad. They thought he was a chauffeur. No, not the kid with the bad friend shirt. Oh, who's he? He just got free gear from this guy. Yeah, he's a faker. Yeah, he's phony. Yeah, yeah. Make the fan walk in here so I can see him. Yeah, where's the fan? Where's the real fan? There's one real fan. Oh.
Where is it? This guy. Look at the size of this kid. Yeah, they all look like this. Stay right there. Look at that. Look at this. This is all of our fans, really? Borderline QAnon. Right? He could be. You think he's like a... Maybe. He's a truther. Maybe. How tall are you? 6'3"? Yes, 6'3". 6'3", and you're what? 185?
No, 160. 160? Dude, this guy has the long... You know how long his penis is? How old is he? He's 21. Okay, you know how long his penis is? Do I? I got here early. Yeah. Wow. So he's the only one of the 15 kids that are sitting out there. I say kids. I could rip his ankles apart.
Do one kick. Do you really think this guy would fuck you up? You're nuts. Do you ever see fuck enter the dragon when Bruce Lee fought Kareem Abdul-Jabbar? Yeah, it'd be like that. You're not. At the end, I would win. No, you're not. No, it'd be like Bobby Lee fighting a young kid. You're not like water. I'm not like water? No, you're not like water.
Like sand? I'm like sand. You know how Bruce is like, you have to be like water. I'm like, you have to be like sand. You know what you are? You're like the stuff they put in those stress balls. Whatever's in there, that's what you are. What's your name?
Ethan. Ethan. He's a handsome dude. Look at him. Of course he is. When he fills out, dude, oh my God. Our fans are handsome. They're very handsome. They're always handsome. All of our fans are good. Bring in the kid with the bad friend shirt. Well, let's say thank you to Ethan for being a bad friend. Ethan, thank you so much. Thank you for being a bad friend. Bring in the kid with the bad friend shirt. So we can call him out for being a liar? This guy right here. Poser. Not a fan. Poser. Yeah. You know who he's a fan of? Who? Michael Lanochi. Oh, hilarious.
He doesn't know who that is. Yeah, he loves Michael Lanochi. What's your name? AJ. AJ? He didn't sign up to be made fun of, by the way. Oh, I'm so sorry, AJ. So say sorry and say... I'm sorry, AJ. I tagged you for no reason. I apologize. Yeah, yeah. Are you an American citizen? So am I. We have something in common. Well... What? I'm barely. Yeah. Yeah. I'm getting my car next week. Where are you from, AJ? Massachusetts. Massachusetts. Boston? North Boston. Oh, are you a funny guy? Because a lot of people from Boston are funny. Okay.
That's a no. But that was very funny. That was funny. The way he did it was good. Yeah, the response was funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Had some good inflection in it. Now, let me ask you something. Who gets more girls, you or Ethan?
I have a girlfriend. You're the winner. Is she here right now? No. Okay. Take that, Ethan, you bitch. In your face, you skinny bastard. Skinny fucking bitch. Yeah, eat something. Yeah, you skinny fuck. Yeah. All right, AJ. AJ, thank you so much, buddy. AJ, you're the man. Thank you, AJ. Yeah. He brings these kids here. Can I ask you something? Yeah. Do you make them come or do you go, hey, um...
Do you guys want to come? Awful way to ask this question. Do you make these kids come? It's like, isn't there, there's got to be a million ways to ask. Do you make these kids? No, don't start with that way. That's the wrong way. Do you, oh, how about this? I got it, right? Do you make these young adults come?
That's legal. Do you make them come? I do not. They do it voluntarily. They do it voluntarily. Let's see if that holds up in court, Fancy. Is it like a credit that they get or is that real? Yeah, they get a credit. So Fancy's a teacher? I don't. You gotta plug me in. What's going on with you? Why don't you inquire? What do you do, Fancy? Why the kids?
I do teach a class, Doc. Oh, you do? Okay. Yeah. I didn't know that shit. What school? Quinnipiac. Quinnipiac. Quinnipiac. Yeah. It's a school that... This is the irony of this thing. It's a school that actually is located in Massachusetts, right? In Connecticut. In Connecticut. What's it fucking do? And then they come here every summer. He said, kids come. Okay. Young adults. Yeah.
And then he does a summer program with them where he forces them to come to things. Is it a film class? It is. What do you teach them? It's an entertainment class, like a little introduction to film, television, PR, marketing. But do these, bring in a random girl. Let's get a girl in here and I'm going to ask them what their dream is and stuff like that. We'll let Pete pick somebody. Yeah, Pete, pick somebody, Pete. Look at it. He just points. Yeah, yeah. You, that one.
By the way, in the meantime, Jules. Hmm. Oh, shit. Hi. Hi. You know, we're going to be in... Let's give it up for Carlos for being the greatest coffee god. Oh, I wanted some milk. Jesus Christ, Starbucks. What's your name? Thank you. Hi. Come on in. Come on in. Don't be scared. What's your name? Liz. Hi, Liz. What do you want to be when you grow up?
That's a very good question. Thank you for asking. You're welcome. I have a very good question. Good stall. Something in TV. I don't know. Like writing, producing? Wherever they'll take me. I like fake dreams like that. Because anything that happens- That was you. That was me. Because anything that happens, you go, I made it. You're in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Liz, so what year are you? Senior? I'm going to be a senior. Okay, right. And next year will be a senior year. Yeah. So are you prepared for the real world a little bit? Do you have something in mind that you think you're going to get into?
I don't even know. I mean, I'm doing an internship now, so we'll see where that goes. Cool. Do you think they should be mic'd? I think they should be mic'd if we're going to ask them questions. Doc, swing the mic over. Hold on. Yeah. Okay. We can't hear her. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, yeah. Poor Doc. Well, it doesn't come off. Yeah, yeah. Just do that.
You know what this means to me and that I don't mind is that how much more editing Fancy has to do. I actually kind of love it. All right. So where did you grow up? New Jersey. Oh, okay. You can get close to that. You can get close to that, Mike. You can physically stand up. You can put your body closer, not your head. Is it production or is it writing? Production. Oh, production. Well, that's a pretty easy job to get, I think. No? No.
It depends on what you want to do. Yeah. I mean, like, what do you really... Tell, be honest. What do you want to do? And by the way, let's say this. You could retie. Me and this piece of shit are stand-up comedians.
We both started at the bottom of our respective fields. And I got to tell you, he'll probably admit this too. I was so afraid to admit to people that I wanted to be a stand-up comedian for a long time or an actor. Yeah. Because I was afraid of people being like, you're never going to make it. But isn't that true? Yeah. We always hit it because you're scared people are going to make fun of you for it. But I got to tell you. I did do the Tonight Show five years in. Jay Leno. Fine. Where are you now?
Doing bad friends. It's got that note. But, you know, can I say this is real? You should really reach. I honestly, I don't believe that. I don't believe that you mean that. This is what I believe. No, I was afraid to admit it. I'm saying she probably has the dream and she doesn't want to admit it to us. Yeah, but internally we reach for the stars.
Internally, I envision everything. The big house, right? I'm there now. Whatever I have now, I'm fine with. Yeah, me too. Everything that I envisioned, I want more. You want more. I know you want more. You want so much more. I want a little bit more. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm fine. I've got a one-bedroom, half-bath, and I'm comfortable with that. No, he lives in a mansion. He's a six-bed, six-bath. He lives in a mansion. And his guest house is a four-bed, four-bath. So my point is, please dream big. Okay, so give us the ultimate. There's no rules. No rules.
The perfect scenario for you would be what? No rules and don't think it's too out of reach. Talk show host. Talk show host. See? Now she admitted it. That's cute. That's all she wanted. That's great. That's all we needed was to proper up. That's great. Talk show host is great. Liz what? What's your last name? Ippolito. Yeah, it's got to go. No, no. Liz Ippy. Liz Ippy? Ippy. No, your name is just Ippy. I-P-P-Y? Yeah. Yeah, sure. Ladies and gentlemen, Ippy.
- How about this, Ippy the Liz? - Ippy the Liz. - Ippy the Liz. - And you come out in a lizard suit, you go, "It's Ippy the Liz." - Do lizards do that? - That'd be great. - But let me tell you something, Ip, Ip Dog. Ippy is a dope name.
But you cannot. Liz Ippoluto. I mean, who's going to imagine someone in the middle of America is going, what's on at 530? Liz Ippolo. They're never going to do. They're never going to remember that. So if I was a talk show host, it'd be Nippy the Chink. Yes. I know Gen Z people don't like that kind of humor. Yeah.
No, we don't like it either. Yeah, we don't like it either. I don't like it either. So, Ippy, Liz, we wish you the best of luck because I think you're going to kill it. I think you're going to be a talk show host. America, watch out for... But if she uses that name, we get royalty kicks. Yeah, yeah. 5%. Ippy the Liz. Don't forget. Ippy the Liz and whomever you talk... You've got to bring us on the show. Oh, of course. If you brought me on your show, I'll have to bring you on mine. God bless. I love it. God bless. What network would you prefer to be on?
I don't know. NBC's pretty cool. NBC. NBC's pretty cool. It is great. I have a deal there. Do you? Yeah, I do. Yeah, it'll fall through. Liz, thank you so much. Liz, let's go for Liz. Thank you, Liz. You're the best. Ippie's the shit. Ippie's the shit. We like Ippie. We like AJ. We like Ethan. Yeah. And we only got to hear one of the three, which is good. Can you bring your mic back, my friend?
Well, hold on. Let the boys do it. In the meantime, let's talk to you, you little scumbag. All right, so I have a little Jules update, if I may. She's in a committed relationship. Are you serious? You got a motherfucking boyfriend. Give her a round of applause. She's got a boyfriend, everybody. This bitch. Yeah, committed relationship. And it's wonderful. I'm so proud of you. Who is this guy? Let's bring up a photo of him. No, no, no. Let's bring up a photo of him. No, no, no. Let's do it. First of all, number one, he has an Instagram. He posts no photos.
Well, okay. Can we please see it? But we won't show it to the audience. But we'll just show it to us in here. She doesn't have... I've never seen him. You've seen him. Yeah, but they're always blurry. And he's from afar. I don't take pictures of us.
All right, relax. Relax. Asshole. She's an asshole. Asshole, dude. Isn't this crazy? She's 20 years old, right? Yeah. Everyone in that room is the exact same age. Yet they seemed together, mature, sweet, thoughtful. True Americans. True Americans in another word. Well, I'm not. I'm an American. Oh. No shit. The truth comes out. The truth comes out. Yeah. So wait a minute. You fell in love. No. No.
No. You fell in like? Like. You fell in like. But I asked her because she's going to the Philippines Saturday for two weeks. You know that, right? Three weeks. I know. And you might not come back? Yeah. Well, we're going to call some people. I'll come back. You don't know. I might close the border. I'll come back. I'll come back. What if Donald Trump's like, Philippines, got to close it. What if he pops back up and wants to close it down? He could get it done. Of all people that could get it done out of office, it'd be him. Mm-hmm.
I'll just, I don't know, do it illegally. Good girl. Good girl. That's the American way. She's going to miss her boyfriend more than me and Kalilah. No, I said Auntie Kalilah and him equally, but you know. Well, let's be honest here. Auntie Kalilah is her blood. Sure. And the man that she is going to miss is somebody that she's dating. Are you trying to date your niece? No. May I say something?
Go ahead. Okay, so let me ask you something. Have you seen my house? Yeah, I do. I've been to your house. You've been to my house. Okay. So if you were going to rent a room at my house, how much do you think that would cost? Am I comedy or real? Real. A room there would be $1,500.
A month. Yeah, $1,500 a month. Right. She's been there for three years. Okay, let's do the math. Do the math. $54,000. $54,000, right? Man. Not a dime did you spend. I love autistic Pete. Watch this. No, seriously. Watch this. I'll show you something. This is insane. He knows how to, he can guess, he knows the day of the week. You know this trick? Watch this. Watch this.
October 4th, 1964. Thursday. Dude. What? I'm going to look it up right now. Get the fuck out. I'm going to look it up right now. I'm telling you. I'm telling you he can do it. Really? Yes, dude. Go ahead. I'll look it up while you're talking. It's going to blow your mind, dude. Hold on. Let me get this one first. 1964. Are you ready? Yeah. This is literally going to blow your mind. I said...
What'd I say? I said October, what did I say? Fourth, 1964. No, October, what did I say? 14th, right? Or what'd I say? Eighth? What'd I say? October 4th, 1964? Yeah. What did you say? Thursday.
This is a couple days off. I was close though, right? You were close. You were within seven days for sure. That's not a talent. It's a Sunday. It's a Sunday. Three days away. I can get closer. His tics are off. Give me another one. I'll get closer. Just give me a date. I'll give you a date. A date I'll give you is...
March 5th, 1977. Tuesday. March 5th. Tuesday, my friend. March 5th, 1977. Yeah. March 5th, 1977. Holy shit. What is it? It's a Saturday. What?
So we have the same ability. We have the same ability. Yeah, Pete, you really let me down. No, don't you know some kids that have Asperger's are able to do that. They're able to just guess. It's unbelievable. Well, there is a guy that got hit in the head, and he has that ability. Yeah. And every day throughout the history of time, he can tell you the day.
I know. You know Marwen Call. You heard about that, right? They made a movie. Steve Carell did a movie about it. There was a guy that got beat. Yeah, I know that. He made The Little Toys. The Little Toys. Yeah, The Little Toys. Marwen Call. It was such a good... It was a little documentary then they made it into feature films. Let's go back. You're dating a guy...
And what's his name? I hate his name. Oh, God. Rudy, why so mean? Why God's so mean? You should... Yeah. It's fine. Man, you're such a good partner. You hate his name? Yeah. Where is he from? Santa Clarita. Santa Clarita. So he's from here. He's from Los Angeles, Southern California. He's also Filipino. Ooh, got one of your own. Yeah. That's good. Chiseled face. Very handsome. Good looking kid. Good looking kid. Comes from good stock. You've met his parents? Yeah.
No, because his parents are scary because they're Filipino. Right, but you're used to all that. Yeah, but I'm still scared. Okay. I have an announcement to make. Santa Clarita. I have an announcement to make. Please. Last night I saw a movie. It was one of the best movies I've seen in 10 years. You mocking me? No. You mocking me? No. Fucking Top Gun Maverick.
Can you do the theme song again? There it is.
The fucking best move I've seen in like 10 years, man. Yeah, I can't wait to go see it. I'm so excited. It was so good. So going with a friend, but we promised we'd wait to go with them when we get back from Hawaii. And then there was this beach scene where all the dudes have their shirts off and they're playing football. I could have jerked off in the theater, man. I'm not kidding, though. Yeah, but it was glistening. Their bodies were glistening. That, when he was going, oh!
I want to stick my dick right in his mouth. What a great movie. You've seen the original, right? Hated it. Really? Did not like it. Why? As a kid, I watched it because when you're watching the planes fly, I couldn't figure out who was in what plane, what was really going on, you know? Yeah. But with this movie... I could see how that'd be confusing.
who's in what plane, what's going on. But in this movie, you know who's in what plane and what's going on. And I believe because it's like they have the technology...
Don't make fun of me, man. Come on, man. That's the whole show. Exactly. So I'll keep going. They have the technology where the cameras are in the cockpits. Were they in the cockpits last time? Yeah, but this time... But Tom was flying these planes for real. Yeah. It was just amazing. You don't know this? The pacing. This motherfucker has six... You can look it up how many licenses he has. He can fly almost any airborne motorized vehicle. Like helicopters, different levels of planes...
This motherfucker. And spaceships to see Xeno. Do you know this story? What? He asked NASA that he wanted to make a movie about NASA. And he said, we'll do all this and have funding for NASA. You have to let me walk outside of the space shuttle when we go up there. And they were like, I don't think so. What do you mean walk out? He wants to go outside of the shuttle in space. Oh, he wanted to do a spacewalk.
Innocent. With no suit, probably. Thank you. No, no, no. He wants to go without a suit. He wants to go without a suit and implode. No, yeah, you guys. Yes, he wants to go outside of the shuttle, which... But do you think it might have to do with Scientology and that he wants, like, he has a spacecraft waiting for him? Like, I want to go outside so I could get picked up by my...
By Xenu and the Peeps. Whoa, Xenu and the Peeps? Yeah. Good band. Yeah. Xenu and the Liz, Xenu and the Peeps. Not just conventional aircraft. Tom Cruise is a state trained to fly jets. He's state trained to fly jets. He also, well, skydiving, diving, scuba diving. But where is it? He's got motorcycles, obviously. He has boats, jets. Yeah. Anyway.
He's the fucking best and the baby blood's got to be flowing lately because he looks good. What's a baby blood? He drinks baby blood. Oh, yeah. I'm close to that. He drinks a little bit. And you know what it is? Him and Tom Hanks. Oh, Tom Hanks only does upper half. He'll drink arms, baby arms, but Cruz will do the whole body. He'll drink all the blood. You know that's what happens, Jules? No. In Hollywood. In Hollywood. If you get famous enough to stay relevant and young, you have to drink baby blood. They have to. You sacrifice a baby. It's a ritual. Huh? It's a ritual. It's a ritual. It's a ritual. Yeah.
Bobby and I are pretty close. We were offered. Yeah. I went, I'm okay with a Diet Coke. I said, I'll take a Diet Coke. I prefer maybe geriatric blood. They had this 96-year-old lady, and they were just clubbing her. And then we put straws in her.
And we both sipped her right there. Let me ask you something. Babies are vulnerable. If that was a real thing, if baby blood really made you younger, would you drink it? Are you fucking serious right now? Of course I would drink it. Of course. It kills the baby though. So what? I live long, right? I'd have a tap. I would be nervous to have a tap. And...
Like when they do to trees in Canada. Yeah, in Canada. Yeah, yeah. Like maple syrup. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Every morning. Yeah, yeah. Of course I would drink it. I would look like a baby in two days. Yeah, yeah. Jules, would you drink baby blood if it made you younger? Yeah. Or kept you young? Yeah, and I'd eat their meat. You would eat their meat? Because Philippines, they don't waste the baby. They don't waste the baby. Yeah, they eat the claw and the eyeballs. Well, you and I could finish the blood, give her the meat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, this is nuts. I learned about this. This weekend. What?
Steve Fury, you know Fury, my boy. I love Steven Fury. Took him with me to go do a show. He's open for me sometimes. I know. He told me. We did a show in Tahoe. He ripped. It was great. He was awesome. And then he told me, he was talking about this new gang that he had read or heard about that you won't believe this. To get in the gang, to get into the gang, they have to fist fight someone to the death.
And if and when they beat them, they must eat their heart out of their chest. What? Look it up. What the fuck is that? Dude, he was like, he heard about it on a podcast or something on this. But you're losing members of your gang if you fucking. No, no, no. These people are trying to get in the gang. Right. So they have to fight anybody that they get from the streets. They ain't fighting somebody in the gang. Look at this. They're both auditioning to be in the gang, Doc. Right. They're not actually in the gang. Oh, both. They're trying to get in. How did you get in the gang? Yeah.
You were in a gang. How'd you get into Gucci, boys? How'd you get into the Gucci gang? Because I just wanted to sell crack. That's how I got there. Oh, okay. Y'all got crack? Let's do it. Can you imagine that's all it took? Look at this blood pack. The world's most brutal cartel force recruits to eat the hearts of rivals straight from their chest in terrifying initiation. What? Is it a Hispanic gang? I just want to be asking. Come on. Hey. Well, I'm sorry, Carlos. My bad. Andreas. Well, it's certainly not a Spanish gang. It's not from Spain. Yeah, yeah. What would they do? Make clothes for each other? Yeah.
Do you need more fashion? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, do you need more fashion? It's a slap fight and then they dress each other. Yeah. Whoever loses has to dress the other man for a week. You know, you have to fucking pick out outfits for him. Are you guys having a good time?
You see what I mean? Yeah. No enthusiasm. Literally this. You know, they're busy thinking about vapes. That's all they're doing is thinking about vape pens and fucking TikTok videos. And Billie Eilish. Billie Eilish. She's so fucking talented. She's so talented. It's unbelievable. Yeah. I watched the thing with her and Letterman. It made me fall in love with her. She's great. I mean, I already liked her, but I was like, she's so lovable, this fucking kid. She's so lovable.
And the Harry Styles. Well, I'm sick of his shit. I have to fart. Go ahead. And the mic? It's your mic. Are you serious? Yeah. Wait a minute. That was...
You good? Not really. Not really. Fuck, man. Not really, pal. So we have a petition right now for Rudy Juliana Kuhn to meet Harry Styles. The boys have organized a petition for you to meet Harry Styles, and we have to push this around the internet. We have to have everyone sign this. Yeah. So hopefully Harry gets no to this, right? Is that the goal, fans? Exactly. Well, I have a connection, right? So...
You know, I did a game show called... What was it called? Game On. Game On. I don't even know which one. So I was on a game show called Game On. It was me, Rob Gronkowski, Serena...
Venus Williams. Venus. And Ian Carmel, right? But Ben, I don't know the people. So Ben Winston was the producer. Great man. You know Ben. James Corden's producer. Yeah, so James Corden's producer. But Ben discovered Harry Styles, right? And they're like really close. He did discover him. He discovered him because Ben used to produce X Factor where Harry was discovered. Right. Right? That's right. So I have Ben's number and I text him, but I can't.
How do you get in to go, hey, my niece wants to meet Harry. Can you hook that up? Like, it feels weird and gross. Say, I would do it like this. Okay. Hey, B-Dog. That's how you start it. Oh, hey, B-Dog. Hey, B-Dog. He'll love that. Can you write this down, Andres? Yeah. Hey, hey, hey, B-Dog. Two hey's. Hey, hey, B-Dog. Hey, hey, B-Dog. Let me repeat it. You know, I'll write it in my notes. I'll write it and I'll paste it and do it. Mm-hmm.
So here we go. So hold on. Notes. Just give me a second. Notes. Here we go. So here we go. Why don't you just let Pete type it? He'll do it right up there. Because when I write it myself, I can memorize it better. All right. So I go. Hey, hey. Hey, hey. How about three? Hey, hey, hey, B-Dog. Yeah, yeah. Because that's like. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey, B-Dog. Yep. B-Dog. Hey, hey, hey, B-Dog. You chilling? Yeah.
You chillin'? Ya chillin'? Ya chillin'? Ya chillin' good? Or is chillin' good not good? No, ya chillin'. Ya chillin'. Ya chillin'? And then just write, dat's coo. Yeah, D with a D. D-A-T-S, dat's coo. Dat's coo. No, no, no L. Coo. Dat's coo. Oh, dat's coo. Dat's coo. You know what? I'm gonna put five O's.
Cool. Yeah. That's cool. No, it's too much. It's too much singing. Bring it back. So I have six. We do have our resident culture. I have six O's there. So I take two O's out. Yeah, take two of them. So that's cool. That's good. Yeah, that's good. Nice and quick. So hey, hey, dot, dot, dot.
Wait. B-Dog. Sorry. B-Dog. Sorry. Hey, hey, hey, B-Dog. You chilling? That cool. That's with an S. Oh, F for my bad. That's cool. That's cool. And then write the letter N-E-Way. Wait, wait. Hold on. Hold on. N-E-Way. N-E-Way. I thought she was about to spell something else. N-E-Way. N-E-Way. Yeah. Okay.
What's funny? I thought he was about to spell something. Go ahead. What was I going to spell? You started with N and I was like, easy. It was a hard N. Yeah, it was a hard N. One letter scares you? Yeah, that naturalness was jumping out of you. It was quick. It was fucking easy. Too far. Okay, too far. Too far. N-E-Way. My lil' niece. Lil' niece. My lil' niece kook.
My cuckoo little niece. Yeah.
I don't know about cuckoo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want an adjective in there, though. Bitch ass? My bitch ass little niece-niece. My bitch ass little niece-niece. Yeah. My bitch ass little niece-niece. Yeah, my bitch ass little niece-niece. Trina, Trina, or Finna, Finna Meat. Yeah, Finna Meat. No, no. Finna Meat. No, not Finna Meat. What? Finna Meat? No, no. That's not it. It's Finna, F-I-N-N-A. No, but I'm doing it my way. Finna Meat. M-E-A-T. Okay. So Finna Meat.
Yeah. Fendameet's gonna work. Fendameet. Yeah, yeah. H. Stiles. H. Stiles. Fendameet H. Stye. I'm gonna put Stye. H. Stye. What it do? Yeah, what it do. What it do. Yeah. If this motherfucker doesn't know what you're talking about and respond positively, he's not a great producer. So may I... Go for it. Yeah.
I'll stand. I think I literally shit my pants earlier. Yeah, yeah. And you were right about that. And guess who has to clean it? Yeah, yeah. Bingo. Rudy. Yeah. I can't stand, so I'll just do it like this. Yeah, don't stand. This doesn't go up. Hey, hey, hey, B-Dog. You chilling? That's...
We'll start from the top. You need some periods. Hey, you're chilling that ass. I put ass. That's cool. Oh, that's cool. Okay, that's why I fucked up. My bad. I'm starting over, right?
Hey, hey, hey, big dog. Fuck, I fucked it up. Shut up, man. Because I'm going to text it. I'm not going to say it. Do I think this is what happens on set when you do stuff? I do think it does. Oh, 100%. I can feel it. And the director's going like this. We have to replace him. Yeah, and they're like, who knows Dr. Ken? Who knows Dr. Ken? Hey, hey, hey, big dog. You chilling? That's cool. Neat.
And anyway, my bitch niece in Fender meat, it's that. What it do? Perfect. Dude, he's going to love it.
He's going to respond so positively to that. A lot of charisma, this guy. You're going to send that text within minutes. He's going to call. Hey, what's up? He's like, I've got a meeting already. He thinks he's English. Yeah, obviously. Thank you. So we're going to get, let's just say this text, this gibberish goes through and Ben is like, okay, I can link it up.
Would you leave your boyfriend? Yeah. Yeah, that fast. Yeah. So don't take too much weight. I just need like a boxers or like a brief from Harry Styles. Oh, you want his underwear? Yeah. Not washed. Not washed. After maybe like a show. A concert. A tour. Yeah, so it's just like kind of musty. What if every day on tour he wore this show underwear and took it off and never washed it and then put it on for every show? You want that kind of underwear. And then what would you do with it? I'll just smell it every night. Yuck. Yuck.
It's insane. It's insane. Okay, so there's about five or six women in the room over there, right? There's girls in the room over there. So girls, you could just yell yes or no. Is this something you also want to do? Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. Bring better kids next time. The other night I was at the store. I was in the main room performing. And so I go, I was doing this physical bit, right? And there was a guy in the front row and he wasn't laughing.
Right? Uh-oh. And I go, what, bro? That shit wasn't funny to you? And he goes, I'm blind.
Right. And I go, well, then see better. I said something, right? And I just lost the audience. Yeah. I think if you make fun of a blind guy. Yeah, but I didn't know he didn't have a thing or nothing. Have you ever had that? Like were you fucked up with an audience member or no? I've actually had – I had a signer because I've had deaf people at shows before. And once I saw where the deaf person was, I couldn't stop looking at them.
Like, I just wanted to see because— Okay, I'm the deaf guy, right? And this is the audience. I'm off to the side, right? Well, no, they're in the audience. I know, but I'm just saying— But I could tell who she was signing to. So do the joke in front of them, but then keep looking at me. All right. Yeah. But don't laugh. All right? Don't you wish they remade American films in Asian? I'm doing your bit. You know, like—
Braveheart. Don't do my joke, man. Don't do my joke. Sons of Stalin. Don't do my joke. Don't do my joke. Yeah, yeah. I just kept going. I kept going like this. Yeah, yeah. I kept looking over because I wanted to see if he was enjoying it. Yeah. And he was. Was he? But it was in my mind because they're good. The signers are amazing. Yeah. They're amazing. They are amazing. But I was also like...
Is this getting... Is there anything that she's not going to get that... Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. She's not doing a... Translating that shit. Well, she was killing it. She was like... Her face was wild. It's amazing. I have a friend that does it, Kat Brewer. She did a documentary about it. But it was like... I kept... I couldn't stop. Once I saw it, I was like...
That's he's right there. Yeah, I couldn't stop staring at him. I was fascinated one time. I was in Indiana with Pauly Shore hmm and a mother came up to me in my face. He goes my son has Down syndrome Yeah, yeah, and you're like same yeah I Love to meet I did a bit about it. Yeah, and it was just like, you know off-putting. What was the bit?
Was the bit off-putting? Well, the bit was like... What's up with people with Down syndrome? All right, thank you. Good night, Indiana. That's it. No, the bit was...
You know, immigrants, my dad doesn't, you know, immigrants, they don't have a filter. Right. Like they just, whatever they think they say. So I was dating this girl. I go, this is my girl, my girlfriend, Kathy, wherever. He goes, when Bobby was eight, he was molested by a guy with Down syndrome. It was the bit, right? Right. Right. And I'm like, okay, thanks, my dad. And then taking the girl away. But it's true. It is a true joke, right? I was molested by a guy with Down syndrome when I was a kid. So true, so true, so true. Right. But then she got so angry.
Maybe she was also molested by somebody. You think that's what the thing is? Mm-hmm. Do you think that she was a liar, so her son wasn't, maybe had Down syndrome? Right, maybe her son, yes. What if her son was the guy that molested you? Yeah.
And you're out there spreading his gospel. I'm spreading, right. And just to protect her molesting son. Oh, I see. That's a good mother. Yeah. What can you say? What a great mother. What a great mom, you know? Rudy, let's get back to you real fast, okay? All right. So this boy, Abraham, that you're dating. Yeah. So did you say, I want to make it official? Not me, the guy, Abraham.
Well, you're... That's not his name. That's not his name. I know, dude. Okay. He said, I want you to be my girlfriend? Yeah. Formally like that. Yeah. Did you ever do that to a girl? Did you ever say, will you be my girlfriend? Or was it kind of an assumption thing all the time? It just happens. It was always an assumption? Was that always an assumption for you? Yeah, yeah. What about you two? If you... Huh? No, I keep going on. No, I know, but... I've never said...
Will you be my girlfriend? Have you done that? Fancy has done that. You know he has. Have you done that? Of course he has. Look at him. Oh, what a softie. I've done it too. You have? Yeah. And have they said no? Yes. No, they said yes. Fancy, yes. I got a lot of those. I heard that often. Because that moment of that, because I wouldn't know what to do. You couldn't handle the no. Yeah, so here's, this is what I would do. Yeah, I'm the girl.
What a lovely evening. Yeah, it's actually kind of nice. I really appreciate you taking me out to this restaurant. We've been here twice, but thank you. I love how the sunbeams are shining in my eyeballs. And the sunset, I mean. No, the sunset looks great and the sun reflecting off your eyes are nice. Yeah. It's beautiful. I have little eyes. Yeah. FYI. You're totally little. Everything's little about me. Everything's little about me. Yeah. Your body, your penis. Not my penis. Gross. Gross.
We'll see. We'll see. Anywho. I'm starving. Yeah? Yeah. Well, I'm sorry this line at McDonald's is long. Here's the chef. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that what you call the people that work at McDonald's? A chef? Well, you took me here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was gourmet. Yeah, yeah. Oh, hi, sir. Hi. So we'll have a number one. I like the kids meal.
Happy Meal. The Happy Meal? Is that what they call it? The Happy Meal? Yeah, the Happy Meal. Is there a toy? Yeah. Yeah, I'll have a Happy Meal. Okay. Thank you. What would you like? I'll just have a McFlurry. That's it? Yeah. Yeah. I already ate. You can spend all you want. It's his money. So just go. You know what? I'll take a McFlurry too as well. You want one? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. I'll take a number one then too. Yeah. Okay. Anyway, you want to sit? Yeah, let's sit. Let's sit this time.
Anyway, so we've been hanging out for the last eight years. Just about eight and a half. But eight and a half years, right? And we met in jiu-jitsu school. Yeah, we did. Yeah. Gracie at Gracie Jiu-Jitsu. Gracie Jiu-Jitsu over there in Glendale. Yep. And wow, you know, can I say something for a girl? Yeah. You really know how to put somebody in a kumura in the best way. Thank you. Yeah, it really hurts. And I tap out really quick. You tap out every time. Yeah. Right, right. It's really cool.
And I know that you live with four guys. Four guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they're your just friends? We just added a fifth. Yeah. It's a one-bedroom apartment. It's weird. It's a studio. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So five guys now in a one-bedroom. Yeah, like the burger joint. Like the burger joint. Yeah, and they're really buff. All of them are strong. They're very strong. They're all either competitive weightlifters or they all own a CrossFit gym. Right. Yeah. And isn't one of them like doing kind of light porn?
It's OnlyFans. Oh, is that what they call it? Yeah. OnlyFans. Yeah, it's OnlyFans. You showed me the photo a couple of weeks ago. Very big penis. Yeah. Whose vagina was that in? I think it was one of his friends. Oh, okay. I mean, I'm one of his friends, but I don't think it was mine. Yeah. It was one of his friends. All right, because you have red hair and she had a red hair down there. Anyway. Yeah, but they have a lot of redheaded friends. That's true. Yep. Yeah, probably. Anyway, are you enjoying your McFlurry? Yeah.
Yeah. Are you enjoying your McFlurry? So much. Yeah. Mine too. It's so crunchy. The bits in it. Yeah. There's cookie bits in the McFlurry. Yeah. Right? And it's crunchy. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Anyway, the Happy Meal is great. No toy. Didn't get a toy. That's okay. It's okay. Will you be my... No. No.
All of a sudden, one of my roommates walks in. All five of my roommates walks in. Three beautiful big men. They pick me up and they just tag team me right in front of me. They run a train on me. Hey, she's from the streets, y'all. Sorry, I would say that. That would really hurt. If you got to know. But, you know, it's funny because some of that's true.
I asked a girl out. I slid a note under her door at freshman year of college. Yeah. I slid a note in her dorm. I slid a note underneath. Yeah. On my hallway. And then I saw the guy that she would later fuck, who became kind of a friend of mine later. I saw them laughing at the note. No. Yeah.
That one hurt a lot. Yeah. I'll one-up you. Because I think I said real stupid shit in that fucking note. Was there a yes and no answer thing? No, no, no. I just wrote like a long like, I just think you're so cool and beautiful and I love your style and taste in music. Whatever the fuck I said. And I watched them laugh at the note. Oh.
I'm so sorry. I also asked a girl in high school to spring or one of those things, and she said no. And I said, oh, do you already have a date? And she said no, but there is a guy I'm waiting that I really want to have asked to ask me.
Yeah, it hurt. It hurt. Yeah. Do you think that that has motivation for you to do stand-up and all that stuff? Do you use that as motivation? No. Oh, okay. No, it has nothing to do with anything. It's just awful. Really? You take the hit and you're bummed. Yeah. And you're like, well, that's really fucking sad. And you look at them differently. You're like, oh, I guess you're better than me. Yeah. And that's okay. You got to know where you are on the ladder.
Is that what it is? I'm not. They were probably better than me. No. No. No, they probably were. They were both probably better looking. They were out of my league maybe. Because when I worked at Panikin, I worked at a coffee shop called the Panikin in La Jolla. And there was this kid named Ben who was a little person.
Yeah, an El Pizzle. A little Pizzle, right? But he was a little person, but he had tattoos, which was cool. They can't get tattoos. Yeah, they only can get one. Yeah. But it fills their whole body. Yeah, yeah. Just give me a whole sleeve. Just one tattoo. Why did I do the munchkin? I love it, though. Brad Williams is one of our good friends. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he always got women.
Yeah. Right? Like he's always on dates with the hottest chicks you've ever seen. Yeah, but was he good looking? Not really. Oh. He's just confident. He's swang for the fences. And I remember going, hey, Ben, how do you get so many girls? Hey, Lee? He used to call me Lee, which drove me crazy. He looked up at me. Hey, Lee?
Right? At least I try. Wow. You don't try. I go to bat, buddy. He does. Yeah. And I learned to go to bat. It's a lower strike zone, but yeah, he does go to bat. So I'm going to tell you the most painful thing. I was working at a restaurant and there was a waitress there that I fell in love with. And I hung out with her for two years.
but secretly in love with her. Oh. Like I would like go to coffee shops thinking, knowing that she sometimes goes and just run into her. So you'd wait for it. I would spend eight, 10 hours at a coffee shop. I wonder if she's going to come in here. So the new generation, they like the kids, the gen, they call it stalking.
They call that stalking? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stalking. Yeah, yeah. But it's okay because we call it mating. We call it mating. Yeah, yeah. Back then we called it mating. When we club them over the head and take them with us. Right. Back to the cave. So one day she starts dating. I found out that she starts dating another waiter from the restaurant. Fuck. Right? And I'm devastated. Right? Is he hot?
Well, they got married. He's pretty hot. Oh, no. They have kids. He was hot. Yeah, he was pretty hot. Were their kids hot? Very hot. So this all worked out for the best? It worked really good for them. Yeah, I guess this did. And he has money. Well, you have money. Yeah, but it took me... I'm 50 now. You're 50? Yeah. Anyway, so one day I go, let's go to this party. She goes, I feel sick. I'm not going to the party. And I go, okay, I'm going to go. I went to the party. I'm hanging out. And there's a lot of people there. She's upstairs sucking some guy's dick in the bathroom.
Really? So check it out, right? Oh no. Yeah, it gets worse. Oh, she's what? She's here? She's not sick? No, she's upstairs in one of the rooms, right? So like an idiot, I go and I open the door. Oh no. Yeah. And let me guess. Fucking this guy. She's fucking a guy? The guy from the- She's at a room at a party. Right. Fucking a guy. And guess what I do?
You start fucking them? No. Like an idiot, I just go in the room and I just sit down. You sit down? Yeah, yeah. Get out of there! And then they stop. Then they stop. Well, yeah. And they're looking like, what? And I go, oh, sorry. And I left. And I went across the street and I beat up a tree. Fucking tree. And I had blood all over my hands. I was beating up a tree. Damn it! You know what I mean? You know what I mean? I'm just crying too. You know what I mean? Oh, Lord!
I would say Lord a lot. Yeah. Dang it. Whatever. Right. And I remember. But then. Can you imagine? They're done fucking. They're both smoking a cigarette and looking out the window like little Korean guys beating up a tree again. You got it, Lee. Go get it, buddy. Right. So then I. But I remember I was probably 22 years old at the time. And I remember going when I was being. I remember going, if I don't do something drastic with my life.
I'm never going to make it. You'll be beating up trees forever. Yeah, I'll be beating up trees forever. Right? So at 23 is when I started doing stand-up. I thought he was going to say he was like 14, but 20, god damn. So that was the impetus for all this, for stand-up, was this woman. I think it was, yeah. I think it was the impetus of like, I can't be doing this. This is weird. Well, thank God this girl left, fucked this guy in front of you and you beat up trees because then you wouldn't be a good stand-up.
Don't you think that's kind of great? Yeah. In retrospect, yeah, but poor tree. Poor tree. What did I do? Just because you have a little dick. Yeah. That was terrible. Have you ever had your heart broken, Rudy? Just one time when I confessed to a guy that's a grade above me, and then he just laughed at me. Laughed at you? What did you say? How did you say it?
I'll be the guy. Go ahead. I gave him... Reenact it. This is a podcast, all right? Look at me, right? We're going to teach you to be an actor, all right? So look at me right now and just I'm the guy. What's up? Is it in the Philippines? Yeah. What the...
What's up? How you doing? This is for you. This is a letter. This is chocolate. Okay. That's what he did?
Kinda, yeah. Oh, that must have... What an asshole. What an asshole. Where is he now? I don't know. I haven't talked to him. Probably dead. And who has 100,000 followers on Instagram? Yeah. You do. Yeah. Fuck you, guy. Fuck you, guy. Fucking bitch. How about you, little man? Well, what happened to me? Y'all laughing already. Oh, my God. You know it's good. What happened? Yeah, what happened to me? Well, what happened to me?
There's one chick I was hollering at, talking to her for about three, four months on the phone straight back and forth. I met her at a bar, right? Not a bar, at a party. So she was like, finally, she was like, okay, we and you, we can get in there. I was like, get in there? Okay. So she asked me to come to the hotel. I get to the hotel and I'm ready. And there's a guy waiting by the door. And so I walk up to the guy and I'm like, what's up with you? He said, well, I'm waiting on Patrice. And she in there with another. And she told me to come here. And I said, what?
She told me to come here too. And I said, fuck. So like, here I am. Don't fucking laugh, bro. I'm not laughing. I'm not laughing. I'm so sad. Like, I fucking spent all this time like, talking to this bitch. And she had...
A dude inside fucking and another dude waiting at the door. So you had to wait for two guys. Yeah. You were last in line. I was last in line. You were the caboose. No one else came. She asked this guy to come. Yeah, first guy. Yeah. And I was like, what the fuck? That was like the most bizarre shit that I've ever seen. How long did you wait? I waited a little while. I don't know.
I needed some goddamn answers. You know what I'm saying? You know what he was doing? He was waiting for that second guy to maybe leave. Right. Because then he'd have been like, well, you know, I am next. Right. Was there anyone behind you? Nah, it's just us. It's just us two, but it was just weird for her to do some shit like that. No.
No, that's really normal. No. You go to a hotel to go see a chick. That happens all the time. Get the fuck out of here. No. And she's having sex with a guy and the guy's waiting outside and then you show up? That's how Pete met his wife.
Pete was first. He was the one that waited. He was the one that waited. Wait a minute, though. So you talked to this guy and then you dipped out. Did you ever speak to her again? Did you say, hey, man? Yeah, I called her and then she said, well, you should have just waited anyway. And I go, bitch. You should have waited. You should have waited. Why would I wait? Because what? First of all, it was like at least a 25-minute drive to the goddamn hotel. Well, that's what I'm saying. You drove all that way. Yeah.
Man, y'all tripping. No, I'm not tripping. Just talk this out. Don't get angry, okay? Hear me out, all right? You spent all that money going over there, right? There's a little line. We went to Magic Mountain. Yeah, we did. We waited. And we waited on the ride. Yeah, we did. Right? The most we waited what?
Six minutes. Five, six minutes. We had the fast pass. But if we didn't have the fast pass, it would have been... You should have got a fast pass. You should have got a fast pass. In the front line of the hotel, they had a fast pass, right? And you would have cut in front of the guy. He was like, oh, man. Right?
You know what? You might have not been tall enough to go on the ride. You text her. He's like, I'm going to show up, but can I get a fast pass? Maybe.
Yeah. So you never spoke to that girl again? That hurt the most. No, I talked to her. I called her, and when we talked on the phone, like I said, she told me that I should have waited. I'm saying after that. No. You didn't continue to pursue her? No, because I don't play that shit. It was just like, what the fuck? Why would you have me come all the way out there, and you knew what the fuck? To me, she just was fucked up in the head. I've never had that happen. No, that's crazy. No, that's crazy. That's crazy. What else? Have you ever, are you heartbroken again? Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah. - Damn, dog. - Give me another one. - Give me a really broken heart. - Give me another one. Give me a heartbreaking story. - Okay, so I was fucking this chick that had a boyfriend, right? So she-- - Good start. - Okay, so now she breaks up with this dude, right? - Yeah, can I guess why? - And then, whatever. So then she was like, I guess automatically assuming we were together,
She did. She did. So then she thought we were together. And then one day after we had sex, she starts crying on me. I'm like, what the fuck? Why are you crying? That's how you say it? What the fuck? Why you be crying? Yeah, why the fuck are you crying? What is this? No, it's like, hey, sweetie, why are you crying? No.
- No, man. - All right, that's how you talk. - 'Cause I was, yeah, back then it was like, what you crying for? - Was it the 50s? - Like, yeah. - We back then went. - Nah, 'cause there was no reason to cry. - Nothing's wrong, doc. - We just had a good time. - I'll just get back in the kitchen. - Oh, but she was fucking fortunate there was no reason for her to cry. - Right. - So why you crying? - So I said, why you crying? And then she goes, well,
I hate to tell you this, but last week I made a mistake and went back and slept with my ex-boyfriend. So then I said, that's cool because last week I had slept with two other women, so we're even. And then she stopped. We are even. Two and one? Yeah, that's even.
In any sporting event, if it's two against one, if two won, it's that somebody's winning. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's not even. If someone has two goals and then someone has one goal, the team with two goals, they won. Okay, okay. You didn't know how that worked? I knew how it worked, but I'm just saying like, to me, we were even because to me, we both could have got eight. You know what I'm saying? You fucking around. Wait, wait, wait. You don't wear a condom?
Sometimes, but sometimes, you know how it is. Bobby, you go naked. You drown in a whole boom. Did you round up with the two girls? No, no, no. One of them I did. That's true. One of the women I did. Why did you jump to AIDS?
Because I just look at it like... Like of all the shit... Of all the other things, like pregnancy or STDC, we all could have had AIDS. It's like, what? That's just how I look at it. Whether it's one or two, we could both get it. It doesn't matter. You know what I'm saying? AIDS is out there. Right. And I was like, you had a boyfriend, so what the fuck? So this broke your heart? What? This broke your heart? This broke your heart. Because she stopped talking to me. Yeah. And I was like...
That's not a fucking heartbreaking story, dude. This is what we asked you and you're like, what do I say here? You just fucking pulled out a random story from your past. What do you want me to... You don't have another fucking story, man. I don't have like a heartbreak like that. What the T.C.
Oh, okay. Oh, what? But even that wasn't a heartbreak, what you say. Oh, what? Was that a heartbreak, that story he told? Which one? When he walked in on a whore. Yeah, that's heartbreak. That's not a whore. She wasn't a whore. That's someone I loved. And I'm still friends with her. Y'all wasn't with? Y'all weren't together. How do you love somebody you're not with? It's called unrequited love. You never heard of that? No, you ever heard of fatal attraction? That's what the fuck that was. You were fucking crazy.
You are fucking crazy. He did beat up a tree. I did beat up a tree. Yeah, yeah. You're right. Yeah, you went in there. Like, what the fuck is wrong with you? And then you sat there and watched him like some cursed old fuck. I understand that. I understand where I went wrong, but still, it broke my heart. What I'm saying is that the story that you told, it didn't really break your heart. But I was fucking. You wasn't. Yeah.
He was fucking. At the end of the day, he was. So what you're saying to me is, let me just ask you, I don't know why you're getting angry, but let's just pull back a little bit. Let me just say this. Okay. So what you're saying to me is that when you have feelings for somebody, there has to be sex.
Yes. No. We're intense. The kind of feelings you're displaying, punching trees and shit, who does that? Yeah, but I hung out with her every single day. You really wanted to have sex with her. We hung out every single day for two years. We took trips together. You know what I mean? Oh, my God. I just kind of fell in love with her. Bobby don't know this word. What's that word called, Tino? Huh? Simping. Goddamn simp. That's all he was. Right, Jules? Yes.
Simping. Simping. What's simping? Dude. I'm a simp? You are a simp. I'm a simp. You be simping hard. Hard. All right. She knows what simp means. What does simp mean?
It's like you're crazy. She simps for Harry Styles. Yeah. Does it make sense? Yeah. Like you'd do anything for him. Simp is a slang. I'm a simp. But it's for men. Men who are seen as too attentive and submissive to women, especially out of a failed hope of winning some entitled sexual attention. Oh, that felt good. So now I don't have to feel bad for your little heartbreak. Fuck you. Fuck you.
Doc gets mean when he gets drunk. You get mean when you get drunk. Yeah, you're so mean to me. No, man. Yeah, yeah. I'm a simp, okay? I was a simp back then. I don't know what that means. You were simping hard. I was simping hard, but I did have feelings and it did break my heart. Yeah, it did. It broke your little simping heart. Yeah, yeah. So why is that? I mean, why can't both things be true? It is. They are true. Yeah. He's so mean right now. He's being mean to you. Okay, hold on, hold on, hold on.
Wow. Don't feel the thing yet. But let me tell you, I know, man. That's... What? It's nothing. Like, you don't... You didn't have anything. Yeah. Well... Yeah, but there's something called unrequited love. It's been in poetry. Oh, man.
Bobby, I didn't know you were so... That was so like great expectation. That's beautiful. You ever seen great expectation? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what he is. He didn't fuck. Ethan fucked. You know what I'm saying? Back to fucking. Ethan fucked. But you didn't fuck. Right, right. He's slinging him for some reason. He's slinging him. Right, right. Yeah, he's loving it. I have to defend myself though. May I defend myself? Go to town. All right. So you understand that I didn't have sex with a woman until I was 23.
until I started doing stand-up. You had sex with a guy before that. I sucked a couple of dicks. A little trial. But I sucked three dicks. In high school, right? Four. Don't count. When you're a grown man. Yeah, but I was a kid. Since I was... When I was in high school, I went to this thing. There was this thing called the Sadie Hawkins dance where the girl asked the guy. I was never asked.
Right? Girls just didn't like me. And I always liked girls, right? And I would hang out with girls and I would like them hard and I...
Was so scared of rejection. Right. That I would have feelings for somebody. Right. But I wouldn't say anything because I was I didn't want to get my heart broken. Yeah. Right. Because it's like like that same thing. It's like, do you like me? No. It would shatter me. It hurts. It would shatter me. So what I would do is I would just stay in these friendships. Right. But have these feelings. Uh huh. Right. And then they would see other guys. It would break my heart. That's all I'm saying. I got two more. Yeah. Go ahead. I just thought of two fun ones. Yeah.
There was a girl that I had such a big crush on in college. And I hung out with her friends. And we were in the same group. And when I finally had the time that we were going to hook up together, I got so fucking nervous. Because she was like...
finally like down she was kind of like yeah I think yeah I think you're cute like yeah okay I stayed late at their house I go into her room and then I went down on this girl no less than a half an hour because I'm not kidding I was down there I had done all the moves to get there and I was going down on her and I was so scared about coming back up because
because I didn't know the next move I wanted to make. Yeah. So I just stayed down there. Yeah. Even when I thought, I thought about it. That's not a heartbreak story. No, no, no. I know. It's you eating pussy. But poorly. I have pussy jokes. But poorly. I have poor pussy jokes. But,
But that's not what we're talking about right now. Well, we had to move on from heartbreak. All right. Well, I thought you said you had two more heartbreak stories. But I went down on her for too long. Yeah. And she tapped on me head. She tapped on me head. Yeah, yeah. At some point. And she goes, that's enough.
That stayed with me for a long time. Like a parent. And I'm not kidding. I got up and I laid next to her and she took like a big breath and then went to the bathroom and then went back out to the party. I have a story. That hurts. I have a story. Because I really liked her a lot. Where I fucked up. Not Kalilah, but the girlfriend before, right? And I feel so bad about this. We were making...
having, hooking up, right? In the bed, right? And she takes my penis, right? And she kind of tries to do something. Maybe she saw porn. She's trying to do something, right? And I go, what the fuck? It's not a joystick. And she started to cry. Oh, Bob. Yeah, and she had my, but she still had my, her hand on my penis. And she's like, who?
You know what I mean? I'm like, why did I say that? What a scene. A woman crying, you naked. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's like, don't... Anyway. Maybe she had that. Maybe she was playing... Was it Galactica? She was playing Galactica. Yeah, yeah. No, and then also...
And then... Do you have another awkward sex story? No, I had another... Yeah, I was thinking about my other one. The go down one, that one kind of hurt me emotionally. That stayed with me. I'm not saying it was heartbreak. It's just those kind of things. There was a girl that when I first moved here, when I first moved down here,
I had met this girl and I, oh my God, I like literally fell. That was the first time that I was like so fast. I fell for somebody and I was like, holy shit, I think this girl's the best. We started hanging out and she had just broken up with this other guy and we were hanging out and hanging out and then we were hooking up and she was saying my name, Andrew, a lot. Like a lot. Over and over. And I was like, wow. And then the next day she admitted to me her ex-boyfriend's name was Andrew. Wow.
And that's part of the only reason why she slept with me was that the name was Andrew. And she was like, I did imagine you were him because you have the same name. Yeah. And then she said, that's enough. That'll do. That'll do. That'll do. That'll do, pig. That'll do. Yeah, yeah. That's really sad. That's pretty sad. Oh, that one stung. Yeah. That one stung a little bit. Yeah.
I have an embarrassing story that's not sex related, but with a girlfriend. Give it to me. All right. So Sarah, my girl, not the girlfriend before Kalilah, but the girl before the last girl. Sure. Right. Two go, two go, two go, two go. Can we say tonight?
Sarah, I just said. You know Sarah? You know Sarah. You know Sarah? Yeah, I know Sarah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, she likes vintage shit. Yeah, she's cool. Yeah, she's like, she likes vintage paintings, vintage, she goes to the thrift store a lot, right? And it was Christmas and her parents were at town.
And her parents came up to my house. You know how I sleep in. I don't give a fuck about gifts or Merry Christmas. But I realized that, oh, fuck, her parents are coming over and I have to give Sarah a gift. So I found this painting in my house that's really cool. And I wrapped it up.
Right? Your own painting. Yeah, it's a painting that I found at the thrift store. Okay. And they opened the door. This is when I was living above the comedy store. Remember I lived in Polly's house above the comedy store? Yeah. And there her parents were and there Sarah was. And I go, Merry Christmas. She opens it and she looks at it and she starts crying.
She goes, I gave you this last year for Christmas. Oh, my God. You asshole. You fucking asshole. It was so fucking awkward. And her parents are there? Her parents are there. And they're all blushing because they're so white. They just all turned red. And I was like, oh, fuck. I'm so sorry. You know what I mean? Like, what the fuck do you say, man? And that's why I'm way more mindful about that shit now. Women don't like it. That's why you don't ever get people gifts.
That could be it. You don't give people gifts. I don't give people gifts. You're traumatized, bro. I went to Renzo's party the other day and I gave... This is what I always do. I shook his hand and there was 400 bucks in cash. You gave him $400? Yeah, that's all... That's a gift that everyone loves. Money. Right? Yeah, money is... Would you rather have... Like if I found a vase...
A beautiful vase at like some China shop. Or if I gave you cash, what would you rather have? I'll throw that shit out the window. That vase? Yeah. You throw up on the goddamn vase, get the fuck out of here. Well, I'd be below the window because I love a good vase. Are you mad at me now still? No, I never was.
You're a good dude, man. Look at that vase. You throw that vase out the window, I'm catching it. I love me a good vase. Are you being real? Yeah. For real? We got vases all over my house. Yeah. Your wife has vases. You don't. You know what I want? A Faberge egg. I paid for them. I want a Faberge egg. Faberge egg. Can we buy a Faberge egg, a Bad Friends Faberge egg? A big one. But those are, they cost like $25 million. Oh, no. So what?
We can afford it. I want a Faberge egg. We want a really nice one. Give me a real one. What's that one cost? I saw one for six grand. 33 million. Holy fucking shit. Okay. Zoom in. Let's see how pretty it is. Is it worth 33 mil? Oh, yeah. Yeah, it is. Which one? The one on the right. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that is. Look at how beautiful that is. Look at how beautiful that is. All Rudy's thinking about is Balut right now. She's just thinking about there's a bird in there she can eat. All right.
Is there a bird inside? Or Harry Styles underwear? Yeah, Harry Styles underwear is stuffed inside. Would you rather have a Harry Styles underwear or that fucking vase? Underwear. God, for $33 million? $2 that fucking underwear is worth. How much do you think Harry Styles could sell his used underwear for online if he did? For real? For real? Five grand. How much would you pay? Five grand. Five grand is like the ceiling? What's the highest you'd pay if it was an auction? I only have five grand. What?
She wants that five grand in the bank. So you'd give your last dime? Yeah. Wow. Why? Okay, what about this? What if we give you somebody, like Doc's underwear, but we say it's Harry Styles and you smell it for a year? Would that be fun? You wouldn't know the fucking difference. You would never know. Inside, you might know. I just feel like Harry's underwear would be...
It would smell better. Let me ask you something. When he comes, do you think something different comes out than us? Yeah, I do. I know what you mean. Tapioca pudding? Yeah. Like it's sweet in some way. No, it's not. It's just like ours. It's not. Harry's different. He is. Oh, you think he comes crystals or something? Yeah. Maybe he eats a lot of pineapples. Yeah. You know, if you eat a lot of fruit, your sperm... Okay, well... So do you think he poos?
Yeah. But you think he poos differently than us? I think his poo is, it smells good. It's definitely different than you. What? Well, you know, you. Why? Okay, I get it. I'll go with that. It's just he's better than us a little bit. A little bit. All right. So his poo is a little healthier and it smells a little better. I'll say this. Of all the heartbreak stories we told on this show,
I kind of am mad that Rudy doesn't have any, so I'm hoping that Ibrahim breaks her heart. Yeah. A little bit.
Because you're also too cocky. You want to get rid of him. You don't even like this guy that much. You don't like his name. I just don't like his name, but I like him as a person. As a human being. Yeah. By the way, I was in Montreal and Marin had talked about the Leota episode that he took out from behind the paywall. So I recommend listening to that too because he removed it for people to see for free. And of course, you know Marin. Some guy online was like, oh, way to post to get the attention on you when he dies. He was like, I'm giving you a free episode. I want you to be able to hear his fucking interview.
And it's good. She has no idea who he is. Ray Liotta? No. Wow. Chantix?
Chantix? No. Okay. Not a smoker? If you need to stop smoking with Chantix. Yeah. He did a... Yeah, no. He was awesome. He was incredible. He was in a... I would say... He's in two legendary movies. Field of Dreams. I think Goodfellas is probably... Goodfellas, Field of Dreams. Goodfellas has got to be the most famous movie of his. Yeah. But Field of Dreams? Number two. Number two. I think Goodfellas is number one. I just gave you that, man. Yeah, yeah. Thank you, man. I'd like to thank...
Doc. Yeah, yes. I like to thank Doc for getting so angry at me about me not fucking girls and it's not heartbreak or whatever, right? Yeah. I absorbed it and I let it go. Okay. And I love you so much. And let me tell you this. Quinnipiac University. Thank you so much for being here. You guys, you guys really are the future. There you go. And the count of three, I want you guys to yell in unison, thank you for being a bad friend, okay? Okay.
Okay. One. I bet you money there's no energy. Two. Three. Thank you for being a friend. They're students. Good. That was pretty good. Very good. That was very good. This is great. This is great. If I was a pharmacist, I would be taking some shit. So many pills. That's why I'm taking. That's why I'm taking. I mean, I would take the five. Yeah. I would take. One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me. My dick would be so hard to put some motherfucking. They're like, that pharmacist walks around giving advice with a boner.
Yeah, I'd be Viagra all wired out. You know what I mean? Have you ever taken a spill before? Yeah, yeah. Are you allergic to medication? That would be a mess. You know what I mean? Just a juiced up, jacked up, bonered fucking guy. Yeah, bonered fucking guy. There's no way. I'd get fired. By who? You're the pharmacist. Oh, that's right. Who's going to fire that guy? Right. But I would get stuff that's like, you know...
That's heavy. Like the stuff that killed Michael Jackson. Oh, what is it? It's not Percocet. No, no, no. What was it called that killed him? It was called... He was on a bunch of stuff. No, yeah, but he was one, one. The one that was the good one. He had one that was the good one. Propofol. Propofol. Let's get that. I would snort it sticking to my eye. Yeah, Propofol. I would be Mr. Propofol.
