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You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? I'm an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. You two are something. We're bad friends. Speaking of money, who just got back from New York? You, didn't you fancy going? Yeah, I did, yeah. New York, the city of dreams. But it's like... The big peach. You fly in. Statue of Liberty. You stay in your hotel room. Then you get five o'clock in the morning call time. And you go? You work...
16 hours. Then you get back on a flight and fly back. Back on a flight. Back on a flight. Back on a flight. I'm working on impressions. You want to hear one? Yeah, I want to hear one. Anyway, guess who it is. Okay, let's hear it. I'm going to close my eyes. I'm not going to look at you. There's no such thing... Not yet. Not yet. There's no such thing as political murder, political bombings, and political violence. There's only...
Criminal murder, criminal bombings, and criminal violence. Gavin Newsom. Current governor of California, Gavin Newsom. No, no. Who is this? It's a woman. Caitlyn Jenner. Potential governor of California. No, no, no. It's political. Criminal bombings. There's nothing. It's a current... No. Dead. Oh, he's dead? She. She's dead. Do it again. There's nothing.
There's no such thing as political murder, political bombings, or political violence. Oh, Hillary Clinton. No. That's not Hillary Clinton? Dead, I said. Hillary's alive. She's alive? Yeah, yeah. She just looks dead. Yeah. She looks dead. Yeah, yeah. Margaret Thatcher. Oh, is that Margaret Thatcher? Yeah. That's in a British accent?
That's how she talks though. No, she was British. Yeah, but she talks like that. Let me hear it one more time. What's so funny? Yeah, guys, I don't think that's funny at all. That's me. You know how I know this? Huh?
Because I watched four seasons in a week. Of The Crown. The Crown, baby. Yeah, I know. I could tell that you watched The Crown. That's where that comes from. Because that's where that came from. You saw that show? Yeah, I watched The Crown. I loved The Crown. Not only do I love The Crown, I want to be The Crown. You want to be in The Crown? No, I want to be a prince. Oh, you don't mean in the show. You mean in real life. Like in real life, I want to be a prince and live in a royal family and the whole thing. But I would do my own things. Can you imagine if a princess kissed a frog and then he turned into you?
And how upset she'd be. And she'd probably kiss me to get back to the frog. The frog. Holy shit. She's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
He's got prince hair. He definitely has prince hair. I have prince hair. I would probably be born the last. You were the last prince. No, no. If my mom was the queen, I would be the last kid. So it's like there would be five kids ahead of me. So I would never become king. You'll never be king. Yeah. So then I would just be like fucking around. That's a really good idea, by the way. That's a great idea for a movie is the last prince. I would spray paint like.
What? Symbols on like vases and stuff around the castle. What, like swastikas? What kind of symbols? No, no, no. I would probably do like a Chinese face. Oh, on the castle. Oh, right. Two light Chinese eyes and a big smile. What dynasty would you be a part of? Royal England.
But you're not. But that's what's great about it. Well. Because it's like, there'll be a mystery. Oh, right. Someone slept around with somebody. Somebody did something. Someone from the Ming Dynasty. Somebody did something, and now it's like, I'm in all the tabloids. Maybe in the beginning they think. Asian prince born to the royal family. No. No.
He's white, but he looks Asian. No, they're unmistakably Asian. No, no, I look white. No, I look Asian, but I'm white. Sir, you do not look white. No, but can I just say this? Yeah. What if like Queen Elizabeth had me, right? If she had me at like 50? They would be like, she cheated with an Asian guy. No, no, no, 50, right?
And right before I was born, right? She's old. She tumbled down the stairs and just rolled on her belly a bunch of times. Just listen, right? Right? And then all of a sudden, like, a butler came, didn't see the queen there, and he tripped on her. An Asian butler. Whoa, whoa. There's no Asian involved in anything. That's my point, is that you're not. Yeah, yeah. I'm just telling you why I came out and then, like,
And then all of a sudden, I'm about to get the boar. I'm about to get a boar. I'm about to get a boar now. I'm about to get boar. Just let me finish, all right? Okay, you're about to get a boar now. And they go, we got to do it now. Let's do it outside. They take the queen out. They're in Buckingham Palace in a courtyard. And they go to the fountain. Yeah, the fountain. The baby comes out, and the sun is so bright. I go, ah. And my eyes like this. Ah.
Right? And it just stuck like this. It singes your face. Yeah, like this. And then I'm like the one that looks Asian, but I'm really a Windsor. You're really truly a Windsor. I'm truly 100% a Windsor. Do you buy that? Why not?
He's Asian. Yeah, you're Asian. Yeah, you're so Asian. Look, that's what they could tell the tabloids. But the truth would be the queen slept around with somebody. But we would never reveal the truth. How funny would it be, though? Yeah, yeah. If they're like, we don't really know who. We'll never be able to know who. And that's all we're saying. And the press walks away and cut to one of the vendors selling little British flags. And it's just one Asian, one sole little old Asian man. Or, that's funny. Or.
Or I'm like, you know how you go to different rooms and there's different photos. And I'm wandering around and I'm just, you know, maybe I'm 16. Yeah, I see it. You're 15. And my older brother Charles is already, you know what I mean? No, better name. Charles is a guy already. No, but Prince Charles, I'm a part of the Windsor family, so Prince Charles is my older brother, right? You're the next generation. You're like the new generation. Oh, you're saying that I'm William's baby? Correct. You're William and Kate's baby.
Oh, I'm William and Kate's baby. Yes, you got to be the new generation. Right. Yeah, so William and Kate had a baby. Right. It looks Asian. They blamed it on the sun. And I'm walking around, right, the castle just moping. Mad. God, everyone calls me Asian, but I'm not. I'm a Windsor. Right? And I go to this one room. There's a bunch of photographs. Yeah. Right? Yeah. And I see my mom, Kate, right? Yeah, beautiful. Beautiful. And she's like in a pool splashing around with Ken Chung. Okay.
Right? And then everything just kind of... Right. And I'm like the guy from The Hangovers, baby. That's your dad. Yeah. That's your papa. Right. And now you're on a journey to go find your dad. Right. I don't want it to be Ken Jeong. In the movie, it can be played by Ken Jeong, but the real guy is... All right, fine. It's a pool party. He's Emperor Hirohito's... Right, Emperor Hirohito's grandson. Grandson. Right. Right. Great, great, great grandson. Toshi. Toshi, and he's jacked.
Toshi Hirohito. Toshi Hirohito. He's jacked out of his mind. Right, right. So then this is what happens. And you have to go on a journey to find Toshi Hirohito. No, this is also what happens. There's a scene in the movie where I go to the bathroom and I take off my shirt and I do a thing. What? Because he's jacked, right? He's so strong. So I go and I do a thing and I do this. And I'm 16. A couple little muscles go boop, boop, boop.
That's my dad. That's your destiny. Because I can see little abs. You squeeze really hard and then abs come out. Like pop, right? And I'm like this and I'm like, that's my dad. Just a little fart comes out as the abs are formed. Why, why, why? Because that's the comedy part of you. You're going to flex and be like, that's my destiny. And the scene goes.
And the muscles go down. They go down right as you fart. So it's just fart bubble in my skin. It's not even muscle. It's fart. Right, right. And we cut to you on an airplane going to go see your real father. Yeah, but do I – is there a scene where I go to Kate, the queen? No, forget about them. She's a princess, so I go to – She's the –
Yeah, she's not queen yet. Because it goes Charles is going to be king and then he has to die. They're both dead. At this point, they're totally both dead. Oh, so William is king. 100%. She's princess. She's not a queen. Well, yeah. I don't know how that works. It works that way. I think like Queen Elizabeth's husband is Prince Philip. Right. Okay. Wait, wait, wait. He just died. Who gets to be queen? Remember that guy? Yeah, and they drove him home? Yeah. For the last 20 years, he was dead. Look at this. Left the hospital. Feeling good. Feeling good.
That's that one, the middle photo. The one in the car. Oh, we'll go to the far right. Yeah, the one in the car. Look at this one. Feeling good. Feeling good. Feeling great. Dude, he's not dead there? He's dead there, dead there. He's got to be dead there. Dude, his eyes are stitched open. They put in stuff to be like, hold it, hold it, hold it. Yeah.
Do you think he looks in the mirror and says, just want to die? You know what they gave him? They just put smelling salts like we did under his nose. Just for the picture so he can get him home. My God, he lived forever. 99 he was. 99. 99 years old he was. There's another one where they tried to really doctor him up there. Do you see him in the suit with the blue tie? I mean. Oh, my God. Zoom in, please. Yeah. Big that up. Yeah. You know what they did?
They photoshopped his eyes and just put it on the emperor's eyes in Star Wars. You know what I mean? That's what it looks like. We don't need CGI. Just use Prince Philip's eyes. Apparently, if you're a part of a royal family that has hundreds of years of incestual mating, you live long. Really? Because they all live a long time. Yeah, but he... How come when there's incestual mating in the south, it's really sad?
And some reason in England it's – Because they don't do brother and sister. Right. They do cousins. Yeah, they do cousins. So it's like the ones in the South, I mean, just fuck their brother or their mom or whatever. Never – it's always brother. I think it's brothers or sisters or – It's never mom? I don't think it's ever the mom. I don't think the mom is ever – probably sometimes – no. If anything, it's the dad. Yuck. I don't want to talk about it. Yeah, it's gross. Yeah, it's gross. Anyway, well, that's what the royal family – so this is what – so you came from – That's my grandfather. That's my great-grandfather. Great-grandfather.
great-grandfather. Right? Wait. That's my great... Yeah, great... Great... Not my grandpa, my great-grandfather. Your great-grandpa. Yeah, yeah. So look at that, Rudy. That's your great-grandpa. And we have... There's a scene... Maybe we shoot this in... Oh, this is... He's already dead. But maybe in the movie, he's... Comebacks to life. No, a ghost. Yeah.
Oh, and he haunts you. Yeah. No. And every time I see him, he wants to say something like encouraging. But whenever I see him because he looks like that, I just run. Yeah. Right. So he's got all the advice and you just can't. Yeah. You know, get the fuck out of there because that would scare the shit out of me. But so I go to Japan and I find Toshi. Yeah. Yeah. But guess what? What? What happens? Toshi doesn't want anything to do with you. So you say, well, I'll fight you to the death.
What? You'll fight him to the death. He goes, because he says, he's like, you're not my son.
And you're like, I am your son. Yeah. Look. And you show him the muscle thing. Right. He sees it. Yeah. And then he's like, you're not my son. No. He could go back on. He could go like this. You can go. You're not. After I go. Right. Yeah. He can go. You're not my son. See. And he does it. Do an accent. You're not my son. You're not my son. You're not my son. Yeah. See. And he does it. And what if he does. Yeah.
A fart comes out for him. That's the connection I made. I told you, Dad. I fucking told you. They're not muscles. They're fart bubbles. Those are fart bubbles on your skin, you fucking bastard. This feels like a short story from like Roald Dahl or something. Out of Where the Sidewalk Ends. Anyway, I love The Crown. It's good, huh? It's a pretty good show. It is a good show. Didn't like the fourth season. The Diana stuff. It's sad. Because it's depressing as shit because they had her killed.
It's nuts. Dude, I've been so... They didn't have them killed. Come on. 100%. She was killed. She was not killed. Do you know anything about Princess Diana? Yeah, I saw the documentary. Do you think that they had her killed or do you think it was a total accident? I think they had them killed. They had her killed. Who? The family. No, they didn't, dude. She was a commoner. That's blasphemy, dude. They didn't like her, dude. They never liked her. Oh, you think that Henry's wife, Meghan Markle, is going to get killed?
No, it's because it's too late. Also, Meghan Markle is not going to become – she's not anything. All right. Because she's the youngest. Well, she's the princess of Sussex. That's nothing, dude. I'm the princess of Sussex, by the way. I'm the prince of Essex. I'm the princess of Muffix.
And she's a Buffex. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, see, if they were going to kill anybody, they would have killed Kate. But they love Kate because she comes from high status. See what I'm saying? Well, no, they all was checked off on her. They all encouraged it. I know, but my point is Charles –
cheated on what's her name with, you know, the girl he was with. Who was he just with? Camilla. Yeah, with Diana. So the family hated her because they were still like going back and forth in the middle of all this shit. Yeah. That's why they had her killed. They had her clipped. They didn't have her killed. Did they have her clipped, Rudy? You voice your opinion on it. She saw the documentary. Yeah, they had the clip. They had her clippered. They had her clipped. They have a clip? They have a clip. Or they had her clipped. Let's roll the clip of the murder. What did they say? Clipped.
Can I just say what she did the other day? I always have to do a little alert. She's here less and less and less mentally. I know. But yesterday was the worst. What happened? So they came home from the beach. What beach? Malibu? Santa Monica. Santa Monica. Cool, man. So when they go up the stairs, I go, here's my chance. So I pretend I was dead. I go, here's my chance. So I laid on the ground. Right? Right.
Why would you do that? Dead. You just laid down on the ground? I just laid down like I was dead. Did you put any blood out or anything? No, no, no. But I just made my body as if I fell in a weird way. Right. Down the stairs? No, just up in the living room. Well, they wouldn't buy that then. Would you have a heart attack? Maybe. I get it. Maybe you could. So I'm laying there, and I can see her. She can see me from the kitchen. Who can? Her. Oh, right. She's putting stuff away or whatever. Right. She looks at me. She still does her thing.
Then she eventually goes, Tito Bobby. Like, no. No. Are you okay? Nothing. Is everything all right? Nothing. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Wow. So let me ask you something real. You didn't believe it at all? I didn't. What did you think he was doing? Sleeping? I saw his eyes open and closed. Oh, you're not good at playing dead. Bro, how could you? You're not good at playing dead. Andrew. Do it right now. Dude, die right now. That's what she saw. That didn't look good. All right. Okay.
No, that's not what your face does. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's more like it. Like you're sucking a little penis or something. Yeah. Yeah. Trembling lip. You're dead. I'll go. I'll go dead for you. Ready? This is me dead. No, no, no, no. That's motionless. You're falling asleep in a movie theater. This is me. This is me. No, you're drunk. You're drunk. I'm drunk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is me, dad.
Yep, you're dead. So anyway, she didn't see my eyes. And my point is that she doesn't care. She did see your eyes, didn't you? Why don't you care if Tito Bob passed away? I would care. Oh, wait a minute. Do do do do do do Rudy update. Did what's his name hit you back on Instagram? Yeah. And what did he say? He thought it was me.
What? He thought it was me saying it. Oh, what Bob said? Yeah. Wait, what did you say again? What did we say? Bring it out again. Yeah, I want to see it. Was he mad? No. Are you guys still chatting? No. Have you been chatting with him? What's his name? Diego. Diego. Diego. You guys aren't chatting anymore? No. Why not? Did he blow it? I don't know. He's just busy.
He's busy? You're a famous podcast star. How is he busier than you? What does he do? I have a feeling she's going to be living at our house for the rest of her life. She's going to be just that girl. I'm okay with that. What are you getting angry for? Read what he said to you. Because you have every opportunity to meet guys. Reread what Bobby said that he thought you said.
Okay. Okay. Bobby said over a thousand suns. Oh, yeah. How long? I like that. By the way, you looked hella ripped on the beach. Hella beach. What did he say? He said you lion. You lion? Yeah. You lion. And you should have wrote back no cap. I don't say that. Do you know what no cap means? Wait, let's see if Bobby knows. Did you know? No lie.
You didn't know it. I didn't know, but let's move on. All right. So what else? What else? What else? No cap, dog. So what did he say? He said, you're lying. And then I said, Tito Bobby and Tito Andrew said that. And then what? And he said, I'm honestly kind of surprised. It sounds like something you'd say. Oh, see, we formulated that so good. And then what'd you say after that? High five. And I said, I would never say anything like that. Ha ha.
Dude, imagine reading that. I would never say anything like that. You know how bad he felt? How many ha's? Two ha's? Ha and ha? That's so lame. It's so lame. And that was the end of this conversation? There's more, but... Is there any discussions of like coming up to LA and going to the movie? There is? He said that if I was in San Diego, then we should hang out. And if he's in LA, we should hang out.
No shit. What a stupid. No, he should make the effort. Give the guy a break. No, I don't give a fuck, Diego. Get on the fucking train. No, listen up, Diego. Get on the fucking Pacific Coastliner. Okay, it's the train that comes up here. Take your ass on the train. Get to downtown LA. Get in a fucking Uber and get your ass over to their house. You understand me? Pick her up in the Uber. Go to the movies. Do people go to the movies right now? They do. She went to a movie. You do? Quiet Place 2. Take her to the movies. Go see a movie that's out.
Drop her back off and get back on the fucking train. Get the fuck down to Oceanside. You hear about that TikToker that got shot in the movie theater in Orange County? Yeah, two of them. It was a man and a boy. Imagine being quarantined for a year. You finally go to a fucking movie. And you get shot. And you get shot. Oh, it's the worst story. Let's move on. But also, no, wait, but let me say this. What? But this is why I don't like this stuff, and I'm being genuine. They went to see The Purge, right? It was The Purge. They deserve to get shot. Is that what you're saying?
I mean, you said it. That movie is all about killing off people. Who cares, dude? No, but I'm saying that's... What does that mean? It gives the impetus to psychopaths to do something. Oh, really? So if I'm watching, like, You Got Mail, and then there's going to be a bunch of, like, white Karens in there, I mean... Probably. That's what those to see You Got Mail. No, just a bunch of people watch different kinds of movies. Two Dead and Random Shooting at Purge movie. Yeah, it was at the Purge. It was going to see the Purge. But the Purge's whole film basis is about clearing out society. We're watching Lord of the Rings and some guy just drops us off a wizard and they're doing fucking life...
I would love it. Whatever movie it is, I'm saying usually these happen in violent films. You're right because there was one in Batman. Batman was Batman. Yeah, man. There's usually violent films. You're right. Unfortunately. So don't watch violent films? Let me tell you something. That shouldn't be the world we live in, but disgustingly, I would stay at home to watch these films.
Matt Damon was just complaining about how there is no such thing as kid the next generation is not going to know about movie theaters. And it's like, yeah, no shit. A, home entertainment systems now are so nice. Why the fuck would I pay $25 for a movie ticket? You're right. I'm not leaving my house. Like she saw The Quiet Place 2 at the movie theater. I just saw it on my fucking Paramount Plus. I watched it on my iPad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How much was the tickets now? How much are they now? California is different, by the way, than other. I think $11. $11.
That's it? Because you're like under 12 or something? She can get away with that. Can I just ask you this though? This is a real question. It's like in the 90s when television was showing a lot of stand-up comedy. That's when comedy clubs started dying in the early 90s. Do you think though that and now people are starting to come out to live shows because there's a difference between watching a live show and stand-up is a live performance. Live performances will never go away.
But you're watching a film is going to be tough. Yeah, but isn't there something to watching a scary movie with a big crowd? Not when there's the fear of getting shot in the head. That's true. Because stand-up, live performance will always be good. Theater will always be good. Broadway will always be there. Live music will – I mean, did you see Lollapalooza? Did you see COVID 2? Look up pictures of Lollapalooza in Chicago. You know, like one of the biggest musical festivals. They just did one? Bro, shoulder-to-shoulder, neck-to-neck. Look at the images they just had.
Dude, it's nuts. Look at this. Nuts. That was recently? This just happened. No. Over this past weekend. No. Yes, dude. It just happened. This is Rona. Dude. Rona, dude. Look at that, dude. Rona right there. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That is Ventilator City right there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, they're back. We're back. Shows are back and stuff. I'm saying this will never die. Live music will never die. Yeah. You'll never take that away. But who played? Who played?
You know who did at Lollapalooza? I don't know. Look up the line up there. Click on one of the posters right there, Pete. You have 2021 up.
Foo Fighters, Post Malone, Tyler, the Creator, Miley Cyrus, DaBaby, Marshmello, Illenium, Journey, Megan, The Stallion, Roddy Ricch, Kay Tridana, Brock Hampton, Playboy Cardi, Young Thug, Limp Bizkit, Modest Mouse, Jack Harlow, Polo G, Trippie Redd, Suicide Boys, Alice in Wonderland, Slander, Steve Aoki, Brittany Howard and Band of Horses, Jimmy Eat World, Dermot Kennedy, Young the Giant, Lav Javon,
Angels and Airwaves, I and Dior, St. John, All Time Low, Mount Joy, Mark Ribier. Mark Ribier, who's a good friend. Keep going. You're going to do the whole thing. I have OCD. Whitney, Dominic Fike, Surfaces, Tachami, Juaz, Freddie Gibbs, the front row bot, the front bottoms. Did they steal that from us?
The front bottoms? The front bottoms. Big Wild, Kim Petras, Yellow Claw, Subtronics, Oliver Heedens, Kayakash, Oliver Tree, Omar Apollo, Ash, LP, Arizona Surprise, Zayt Cran, Earthgang, Rico Nazzi, Jamfugai, Jacob Banks, White Reaper, Peekaboo, Olive O'Brien, Overpack, Princess Nokia, Princess Nokia, Cautious Clay, Dayglo, Trevor Daniel, Flow Me, Bop Beep, Flop, Bop Beep. Okay, but can I just ask you? And last on the list, Jake Doobie. Okay, how bad does Jake Doobie feel? Suck.
Like he gets called, you're going to be in Lollapalooza. Really? Yeah. He looks at the poster and he's the last guy out of 10,000 names. Let's see him. There he is, Jake Doobie right there. Click on him. There's Jake Doobie. Jake Doobie.
Jake Doobie. Right, so then he shows up at Lollapalooza. They don't even give him a trailer. Right, so he's just kind of standing next to the bathroom. Just in an empty port-a-pot. Yeah, and he's leaning. And people are like, who is that guy? That's Jake Doobie. Oh, is that Jake Doobie? What is he doing here? I'm set to go on in 20. No. Wait, look at the real... Dude, if he's last on the thing, he's at three in the morning.
the morning. Well, he's in one of the far tents on the other side. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The mini tent. The mini tent. Yeah. Is that where the bathroom is? No, that's just where Jake Doobie's doing his show. This is so mean. Poor Jake Doobie. Oh, we love Jake Doobie. Find out he's a huge fan of ours. Oh, my God. Wait, let me find out the real Jake Doobie because that obviously is not him, Pete, clearly. That's not Jake Doobie. Just Jake Doobie musician. Yeah, music. Oh, I guess that's Jake Doobie right there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, when you... I'm just going to say this. Wait, that is Jake Dubois. That's really him. When you Google an artist's names and there's only three photos of him, it can't be good. No, but that... I feel bad, but... Who's that woman? Who's that woman down there? That's Jake Dubois. That's his sister. Yeah. That's Jacinda Dubois. Here's Jake Dubois. That's actually his. And here's his... Whoa, okay. This makes no sense. Oh, yeah. His one song on Spotify has 2,300...
That's it. 2,300. Wow. And Alive has what? Daddy Why You Die has more plays. Way more plays. I know we're going to have to blank this out, but let's hear for a second of it. This is Jake Duby. We'll just play some other music over to the listeners. We'll play Daddy Why You Die over this. Daddy Why You Die. I would run to this. This is the music I run to when I go running. Oh, really? Oh, I thought you... This is what I thought you meant.
I thought this is what you meant. Shout out to Jake Doobie. I like your music, Jake Doobie. This is what I thought you meant. I see you in a coffee shop. I thought you meant I'd run to him, that you're watching the Foo Fighters, but then you hear that song and you ran to the tent.
To go see him. Jake Tooby's playing everybody. I'm coming, Jake Tooby. I see you in the coffee shop. He only had one song. So you show up and it's like the last. And then it's, I see you in the coffee shop. Thank you. As I get to the tent. Can you do it again? Tooby, one more time.
I feel so bad for Jake Doobie. I like Jake Doobie. Download his fucking song. You know what? Let's promo Jake Doobie. Guys, go download Jake Doobie's song, I See You in the Coffee Shop. Is that the name of the song? That can't be the name of the fucking song. No, the song is called Run Into You. Oh, how weird. I said I would run into you. Let me see the lot of clues of the list again. If you show it, I'm going to read it all. Don't do it. Laundry Day. Moby Rich. Zoom in at the down at Jake Doobie. The Aqua Dolls. I know who they are.
Oh, Tyler and Post Malone, Foo Fighters. Foo Fighters still killing it. Dude, see how dominatory he is? Who? The Foo Fighters are still relevant. It's been 30 years. It's incredible. Well, yeah, maybe 30 years now, right? Yeah, it's incredible. Wow. Some of their albums are just classics.
I mean, classics. Dave Grohl might be the most talented musician of our generation that I've been a lot since I was alive. Who's lasted longer than it? But it's also funny. It's like he's the drummer of what you know who Dave Grohl is. No, take it. Don't tell her. Dave Grohl is in the band Foo Fighters. Show a picture of Dave Grohl.
But he's a multi-talented musician. I want you to guess what band he was in first because he was in the most popular. I know. What? Nirvana. Yeah. How'd you know? How did you know? Did you see it? You read it. You read it. No! Because I listened to it. Really? What song do you like from Nirvana? Lithium. Ooh, Lithium is a good song. Yeah.
Do you like Smells Like Teen Spirit? You do? Sing it. Sing it right now. I only know the chorus. When the lights are on, it's here we are now. There's no such thing as political violence. Political murder. We do got to help you with your English accent.
Try it really with English. That's how she sounds, Margot Thatcher. No, dude, she sounds like a British woman. There's no such thing as political murder, political violence. Political violence? Yeah, that's pretty good. Political violence? Political violence? Yeah.
Try South African. Do you want first? I'll do it. South Africa. It sounds like this, bro. South Africa. South Africa, bro. South Africa, bro. South Africa. Africa. This thing is political violence, bro. This thing is political violence, bro. This thing is political violence, bro. This thing is political violence, bro. This thing is political violence, bro. Now do Hawaii. You know Hawaiian, dude. You're there all the time. You go first.
I always go to Jamaica. There is no such thing as political violence, bro. Should we do our Chinese portion? We've been learning Mandarin. We've been learning Mandarin. We want to apologize. I'm doing my best, John Cena. We're apologizing to China right now because they're mad at us. Do you know this? Chinese government wrote us a letter to cease and desist this show.
Fancy, what did they say? The Chinese government wrote us. They didn't want us to do the show anymore. What did they say, Fancy? Bad friends? Yeah. Yeah. They said Bob is very disrespectful towards the Chinese people. What?
I don't know. Apparently they've got a whole... Ching Chong. Ching Chong stuff. You said that one time, and then I think they got really mad about it. I never said Ching Chong. We've got a couple of clips. Really? You know how many times you've done an Asian accent on the show? Out of respect for you. No, not out of respect. You go, oh, fuck you, man. Never done that. Yeah, you just... Oh, you've done it. I've never... Yes, you have. See, that seems racist, what you're doing. That seems racist. That's what you do. No, I do that when I'm impersonating you. Yeah. And then you had that one guy call me, right? What guy?
I can't tell you the guy's name, but there was a guy that you made do an Asian accent on the phone. He was Asian. He wasn't. Yes, he was. I found out who it was, and it was a fucking Hispanic guy. It is a Hispanic guy. Exactly. So you do... But if it's... So the letter's towards you. But China doesn't care about me, because I'm not Asian. What did the Ching Chong say? What?
What did the ching chong say? Tell me what the ching chong. Was the email going ching chong, ching chong, ching chong, or was it in English? It was in English. It was in English, yeah. Read it to me then. It broke in English. Read it to me. Read it, fans. I don't have it here. I have to paraphrase. Okay, paraphrase. Bad friends, you guys are going to be...
prohibited in China. We're not going to stream you. We're not going to be able to stream in China. Do we have any fans there? YouTube, we're in China. You guys have a few people there, yeah. We do. We definitely get China streams, dude. Yeah. I'm going to look it up. Mostly because of Bobby Lee's attitude towards Asians in general. That's bad to hear, Bob.
Is that how you want us to live our careers? Okay, stop, stop, stop. Okay, I'm looking right now. Here you go. Here you go. Top listening countries to bad friends. U.S., Canada, Australia, United Kingdom, Sweden, New Zealand, Ireland, Norway, Germany, Netherlands, Denmark, Finland, Puerto Rico, Iceland, South Africa, Mexico, Japan, France, Austria, Belgium, Philippines. Oh, Philippines.
Spain, Singapore, Spain, Singapore, Switzerland, South Korea, India, Saudi Arabia, Italy, Portugal, Poland, Hong Kong, Iran, Brazil, United Arab Emirates, Israel, Malaysia, Romania, Czech Republic, Taiwan, Thailand, Guam, Estonia, Hungary, Vietnam, Indonesia, Kuwait, Chile, Greece, Russia, Slovenia, Latvia, Turkey, Serbia, Egypt, Argentina, Costa Rica, Qatar, Croatia, Morocco, Iraq, Slovakia, Ukraine, Colombia, Bulgaria, Lithuania, Kenya, Peru, Panama, Jamaica, Bahrain, Guatemala, Dominican Republic, China's not on here. Yeah, because...
You guys were banned. We got banned because of you. So thanks a lot. Now China can't stream us. Regroup. I can save it. Well, then try to apologize and regroup. Okay. Dear China. Is that how you say it? I think dear China. Yeah, yeah. I think you say dear China. My Chinese – I'm not Chinese, so I can't say Chinese people. I'm going to say dear Asians. Yeah. Dear Asians who happen to be in China. Dear Asians who currently live in China. Yeah, which is – okay, dear Asians –
who happen to be Chinese who live in China. Perfect. You know what I mean? Yeah. I love you, right?
I love your sweet and pungent shrimp. Love sweet and pungent shrimp. Yeah. I love your sweet and pungent shrimp. I love the New York style egg rolls. New York style egg rolls are so good. They're the fucking best. They're the best. And I know that it's not you Chinese people that created the New York Chinese. That's American Chinese. That's American Chinese, but still you are the foundation in which
that New York came up from. That's right. It has to be based on something. It's like the Beatles was influenced by some jazz, I guess, or blues and stuff. And so the Beatles played homage to... Chinese people are the Beatles of egg rolls. Of egg rolls. Yeah. So congratulations. Thank you so much for Chow Yun-Fat. Chow Yun-Fat. Shout out to Chow Yun-Fat. Crouching Tiger. So good. Yeah, and...
Whatever. Everything. Everything that he's done. Everything that he's done. He's phenomenal. Thank you so much for Jet Li. Love. Thank you so much for Jackie Chan. Love. Thank you so much for the martial arts.
Yep, dude. It's like without the martial arts. Taekwondo. Yeah. It goes like, I'll tell you in terms of like self-defense, it goes guns. Guns are the best. Best, right? It goes semi-automatic guns, rockets, warheads in terms of that, right? Right. And then it goes to like knives. Swords, knives. Swords, knives, those types of things, right? Cutlery. Yeah, and then hi-yah is third. Third. Hi-yah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So if you're in a Chinese village somewhere. My head fell off again. I know. This is the fifth time you've done this. Here's another thing. There's things I'm sorry about. What are you sorry for? I'm sorry about the earthquakes. Well, you didn't cause them. I know, but there's a lot of people that got damaged from it. There is. Oh, congratulations on the wall. It's great. In fact, I want to invite you to make our wall.
Because you guys made that wall thousands of years ago. We can't even. There's holes in our walls. People are climbing over it. Imagine. Why don't you guys make our wall? Donald Trump. We'll get the Chinese to build it. They built a wall. A great wall. It was long. Here's another thing about this. Dear Chinese people. China. You want to build our wall?
Thank you so much for the clothes. Clothes. Right. Technology. Technology. Sign off to China. Say thank you, China. I love, dude, here's the thing. Let's go back to the Asian thing. Yeah. So there's this new generation of kids that are woke.
Sure. Right? So I've had like people like Ali Wong come up to me. Yeah. And go, it's so crazy the kind of shit that you used to audition for. Yeah. The stuff that was available to you and you were able like to survive in that world. Like 95% of the things that I was offered is with Asian accents or some demeaning role. Sure. And I'm getting way better shit now. Of course. But so there was a time in the world where I had to survive in show business.
by playing this little game of being like, talking about where am I raised and making fun of it and this and that. Yeah, you had to stay alive. And also trying to, you know...
fight against it it was a weird kind of place that I was in and so a lot of my humor like people I'm not you guys like Ronnie Chang probably don't talk about their race and this and that but I still make fun of it and stuff and I think is that really trying to mad or no no of course not they don't even know we exist less than 1% then why did we do that just for a gag laughing
Oh, then I don't know. Forget what I just said then. Yeah. No, but what you're saying is what we've said on the show before. Look, when we make any of those jokes, it's just out of love. Are you going to congratulate her or no? What did she do? They won their first gold. The Philippines won their first gold.
What was it in? Weightlifting the girl. A medalist briefly accused of being part of plot against Duarte. Duterte. What is Duterte? The president. Oh, that's the president of the Philippines? He is... They were trying to kill him? Bro, bro. Bro. Dutarte? Dutarte. Is one of the worst...
on planet Earth right now. Does he kill his own people? He makes lists, right? And he does it. Let's get on his list, you and I. No, no, I don't want to be on his list because I want to go there. I don't. So what? Let's get on his list. Let's fight him.
You think we can't fight Duterte? We'll fight him and win. No, no, no. We're not... How big is the Philippine army, really? Dude, dude. It's like 17 dudes. You don't want to fuck with Duterte. Why don't you want to fuck with Duterte? Why not? Why can't I fuck with Duterte? Because they do shit like... You know what I mean? If like... Torture stuff? No, but like... If like, for instance, like a social media girl in the Philippines, right? Says something bad about him. And then she goes like...
scuba diving, they'll just find her dead body floating in the ocean. Oh, yeah. Cool. Mafia shit. Yeah. That's cool. We do that in America. We're just better at hiding. I know. We don't hide it. But like, so she won the first gold for weightlifting. For weightlifting. Do you know what she lifted? This is the pride of your fucking country and you don't know anything about this? I know her first name. What is it? Heidelin. Heidelin. And what's her last name? I forgot. Good. That's good. The first gold medal in the history of your country.
But when she wins, you cannot – you have to shed a tear. It's – she makes – she made – like, Joe Coy went crazy. He nutted – Joe Coy went, oh, he nutted all over his belly. Like, he went – people went crazy, dude. Is Joe Coy a hero in the Philippines?
A lot of people like him. When she won and she came because I think she was outspoken against Duterte. Good for her. Because they get no money.
Like before – no, before – Olympians? She's training in a field that there's no – you know what I mean? There's no facility. You already have the gold. Forget them. Gold is gold, and it would be good for you to just let bygones be bygones and dwell solely on your victory. That's what the Philippine president said. It's crazy, right? He's trying to say like shut your mouth or we'll kill you. And they're like – they gave her like $200,000. Do you know that? Yeah.
And some guy that owns like property goes, I'll give you this apartment that's worth $250,000. So she got a bunch of shit. Yeah, I hope so. She's the only gold medalist. The gold medalist, they should treat her like she's the queen. Yeah. There must be like murals. There should be. They're just making murals about her. Let's see how much weight she lifted. Can I find out? Well, just look at the video. Oh, sure. Of her winning. Just, you know, this is her moment. This is it.
For gold. Hang on, hang on, hang on. Did she jerk it? Oh, she's crying. Diaz did. Three white lights. It's gold for the Philippines. Wow. Oh, my goodness. This is absolutely unbelievable.
At long last, the Philippines with its first ever Olympic gold medal in any sport. And it comes in women's weightlifting. When she gets on to the floor, she gets handed like three chickens. That's all she gets. Three chickens and a boar. It's not that impressive. Why? It's just heavy stuff above your head. Bro, bro, bro.
Okay. That's just heavy stuff above her head. Okay. Have you seen Taekwondo? I love Taekwondo. It's the worst thing I've ever seen. What do you mean? Olympic Taekwondo? Yeah. It's the worst thing I've ever seen. Clearly, I'm joking. This is very impressive. It's very impressive. She won a gold medal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you. We've got great news.
George Kimmel no longer has more followers on Instagram than Fancy B. We did it. We did it. We did it. Bad Friends family, we did it. Fancy B officially has 20,000 followers.
And what does George have? What does George have? George has 17,000. Oh, and he'll never catch up. Never. Guys, we want to keep this going. We want to keep this going. So please follow Fancy B. Show the page again. Because, you know. Fancy B.1. Bad Friend Rudy has almost 80,000. And I want Fancy to catch up. Let's get to 80,000 with Fancy. Fancy. We've got to post a little bit more, though. Can I just say something else, then? Uh-huh. I think anyone following George listening right now, unfollow George. Unfollow George.
I want him to go lower, right? So that we can get him a little cushion. All right? So I'm telling you right now, and I'm going to say something right now. I'm going to look directly into the camera, right? Because I'm kind of like a shaman in many ways. Correct. Right? And I'm a good luck charm. Correct. So...
To our listeners, we're very grateful for what you've done. Big time. Right? We have the best fans in the whole world. Yep. But I also have connections with the spirit world. He definitely does. And what I want to say to you is this. If you, right now, if you follow George Kimmel,
If you unfollow him, right, good things are going to happen for you this year. You're going to have gifts that you never thought you would receive. Money. Some money. If you're single, some tang. Love. Some tang. Some little bit of tang tang is coming your way, way. Yeah, some tang, right? If you're a woman, real good dick. Real good dick. Like the high quality. Like... We would suck it. We would. We would suck the dick that you're going to get. That's what you're going to get. You're going to get prosper. Prosperity. Health. Health.
Good health. If you have a limp, limp's gone. Limp is gone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you have carpal tunnel, you can play fucking ping pong. Now you can get back to ping pong. Yeah, yeah, get back in there, right? So please, I'm telling you, and if you don't unfollow him. Uh-oh. Oh, my God. Are you going to tell him what's going to happen? Yeah. You're going to have joint aches. Joint aches.
Joint aches. You'll have joint aches, right? Oh, no. You'll have fever dreams. Fever dreams. Night sweats. Night sweats, right? And you're not just going to have wet dreams. They're not wet dreams. Good. Wet dreams, but you're going to piss yourself every night. Yeah. And what I've also – when I do some of these shaman prophecies, right? And I don't know why, but your eyebrow hairs fall off. They all fall out. Yeah, they just start falling off. Oh, no. Like ash. What happens to their toes? You said something about – They crinkle. Oh, no.
They curl up. They curl up and crinkle. Like the Wizard of Oz. Yeah, and they look real nasty. Oh, gross. They look real nasty. Also, what happens is indigestion problems. Oh, so stomach, tummy stuff. Yeah, you want stomach? Like, it's not Crohn's, but Crohn's. It's close to Crohn's. It's basically Crohn's. So please, right? I don't want this to happen to you. Me neither. So please, and also, it's hilarious. It is very funny. So please, automatically.
It's hilarious. So please, unfollow George Campbell. Here's the goal. Yeah. We've got how many months left in the year? Four? What do we got? August, September, October, November, December. Five months left. Five months we've got to get Fancy B to 80,000. And George to 1,000. And George to 1,000.
That's our goal. Fancy needs to be near her and George needs to be near her. And open mic. And open mic. Yeah, yeah. Or below. Yeah. So. Please, God. Please, guys. Please, God. We're begging you. We want this to happen. So I'm going to do a thing. Now it's real. Wow. It's real. Did you feel that?
Yeah, you felt it, right? You did, didn't you? Yeah, yeah. I'll do one more. Doyle. Doyle.
Oh, shit. That made it. That is like a stamp. You felt it in your soul. Right here. Right here. Your soul went jiggly. Jiggle jangles. Jiggle jangles your soul. Fancy, you got to post more. If this is the deal, he's putting out all this. No, you know what? My prophecy is this, right? And my thing is, you don't even have to post, Fancy. I believe the fans are just going to do it. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're just going to do it. But also, post more, Fancy. Maybe post more. Post a little bit more. Yeah, yeah. 66 posts is not enough. It's Fancy B...
Period one. So keep Rudy where she is or gain a few more, but Fancy's got to shoot up. If Rudy's attitude doesn't change... Oh, then you're up next on the chopping block. Yeah, I'll do another prophecy on you, man. Right? But she doesn't care. Okay, well then we'll delete your account completely. Yeah. Would you delete your account? Yeah, if you want. Oh, so we'll delete it right now then. And you'll be completely fine with it. Yeah. She's so cool to not care. She's too young. Life is so good.
Nothing matters. She has such a great life. Yeah, and we're just older. She has to clean cat pee. Good. A lot. Dude, a raccoon pooped on my front doorstep. Unless that was you. It was me. It was me. My poop's a raccoon-like. I cleaned up the biggest pile of shit I've ever seen in my life. In your front doorstep. Front door. And I looked on the camera, on the screen of the camera. Yeah, nothing. It was me. It was? Yeah.
Can I tell you something? You would play a good raccoon. No, I do ninja shits. You do ninja shits? Yeah, yeah. So you can't even see me on the top of my head. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I flip, flip, flip, shit, flip, flip, out. In and out. You can't see me. I cleaned up the biggest pile of shit today and my dog because I... Would it be funny though if you saw me shitting on your front? If it was actually me. You shitting on my front doorstep? Would it be funny? Well, we'd have a shit-off.
You want to do a shit-off? We would have one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kalilah would be upset. I would have to clean it. That's right. Yeah, yeah. I did a shit-off with Ari Shafir, and it backfired on me. Didn't he poop in a car? He pooped in someone's car, right? Not just the car, man. So he saved up a month worth of shit, put it in the freezer. That's fucking repulsive. I know, but he did. He saved his own poop? Yeah, in a double-bag brown paper bag.
Oh my god. So what he did was he probably a month worth of shit and then what happened was he put it in the handle of my car. So I did this shit in my fingers. Right? So I'm like, what the fuck? I open the car, right? Yeah, you have poop on your hand. Right. And then he has one on the window. Just one little turd. Right? So I go, I'll just do the fucking wipers. It was all on the wipers. Oh my god.
So it wiped shit all over the place. It moved poop all over the place. All over the fucking thing, right? So I went to a 7-Eleven down the street.
And I went to a homeless guy and I go, dude, if I get Windex and paper towels at 7-Eleven, will you clean this? He goes, how much? You told him it was poop? It was poop. You said it was poop. I go, 50 bucks. Nah. Nah. I paid him $200. To clean poop off your car? Yeah. You didn't want to go to a professional car wash? It was at 2 in the morning. They have those car washes at the gas station. I don't know how to do that. So I just had the guy. Played a homeless guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 200 bucks? Yeah.
And did you say he was he was so bummed doing fucking shit, motherfucking all this Jew shit. I think he said Jew shit, not me. He knew he knew was Jew shit. But wait a minute. Yeah. Two hundred bucks. Too much. No, it's pretty good. Feels like a fair trade. Yeah. How much would you would it take for you to clean poop off of a car? If I threw poop on Bobby's car and you had to clean it off, how much does it cost? I can do it for free.
That's a Filipino in her. That is the Filipino. Yeah, no, charge. No, you have to charge. Yeah. 100. 100, that's a good rate. Less than the bum. Less than a homeless person. Yeah. You know what? We got to build your self-esteem. We really do. Hey, man, you don't clean up shit for any less than $500. Okay. Okay? Yeah. Is everything okay? Yeah. Yeah.
It's so funny because she doesn't realize that she has a lot of people out there, bad friends fans, that love her, right? To death. You played Calusa, right? I played Calusa, yeah. If Rudy would have walked up on that stage, how many, 800 people? They would have lost it. Would they have lost it? Dude, they all asked about it. They would have lost it. For you. And you don't feel anything. I do. What do you feel? Grateful.
I don't buy it. I don't buy shit. I just don't buy it. Yeah, yeah. I don't buy it. I am! Prove it. Prove it. Why don't you do this? A little message. And this is not comedy. You know what I mean? This is a heartfelt message that you can give to our fans. To the Bad Friends family. Right? So, please, the floor is yours. A public service announcement from Rudy. Into your camera. Hello, everyone. Not a good opening. Yeah.
You gotta have something stronger than hello everyone. Like what? From your heart. Maybe go European, like different language. That's right. European? Yeah. Why don't you say it in Filipino? What's the language? Bisaya. Bisaya. Go ahead and say it in Bisaya. Let's hear it. Hello, Ate Kuya. Si Rudy or si Jules ni ganahan ako mo ingon nga.
Sounds like a drunk Hawaiian. Let me finish! Tiny bubbles. Tiny bubbles in the wine. Go ahead. Coconut. I heard coconut. Bye-bye.
Bye-bye. Is there no bye-bye in Philippines? What's goodbye? What's goodbye? There is a word, but I just say goodbye. I forgot. Do adults say bye-bye to each other? In the Philippine language, like in that language, right? Do you guys use American words because you just didn't create? Like what words? Hospital? Is that?
Emergency room. Do you just say emergency room? Yeah. You'll just say emergency room. They don't have a word for emergency? I think there is, but it's like a deeper meaning. It's a deep cut. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have to really be a fan of the language. What are some American words that everyone has to use? Because you didn't make one because you guys are...
There is. It's just a harder word. A harder word to say? Yeah. It's your language. That doesn't make sense. Yeah, but in school, they taught us English. Like my dad, right? Growing up, he would go, you go turn off air con. Air con? Yeah. Air conditioner. Right. Air con. Orangey. What's orangey? Orange juice. Oh, is that what an orange is? I don't know. Orangey. You go, orangey.
I'll give him orange juice. I like that a lot. I gotta tell you, I wish we said that. Yeah. So there's just certain words that he would like, you know. He would just shorten up and throw in there. Like, I remember like, I went to my friend Craig Crawford's house. Yeah. And his stepdad, like we were going out one night.
You and his stepdad were going out? No, no, no. But Craig and I were going out. So stepdad, you know how white families, they'll sit down with their son. He's like, hey, guys, so I know you guys are going to a party. But like make sure you have my number. Don't drink and drive. Don't drink and drive. You can always call me. Always call me. I'm here all night. You know what I mean? Totally be safe. Wear your seatbelt, the whole thing, right? Right. So I remember one time Craig came to my house. And my dad, his speech was this. Don't do. Don't do? That's it. Yeah.
Don't do. Don't do. And was Craig like, oh. We won't do it. We won't do. We won't do it. Don't. Don't do. Don't. Which is so ambiguous because it's like, now anything. He doesn't want you to do anything. Yeah, but if I do anything, it could be the thing that he didn't want us to do. Of course. That's why he did it. So like, what did you do tonight? We went to McDonald's. I told you not to do it.
Right. It just slapped me. Would he ever slap Craig? Do you think he ever would hit one of your friends? No. Well, my brother – so my dad – my brother Steve was with his friend, David Oliver. And my dad – my brother had gotten this Casio keyboard thing. It was a sampler. Yeah, okay. So you go, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, right? Right. So they're just in my brother's room playing this thing, laughing.
And they were a little too loud. My dad was taking a nap. So my dad ran to the room. Shut up! Right? Completely naked. Right? He takes the Casio keyboard, right? Slams it on my brother's head. No. Keys are just flying. Right? And then here's the best part. Here's the best part. Yeah. Throws it down. That's just wires. My brother's crying. He turns around and David Oliver, my brother...
They almost got murdered because what they found on my dad was the funniest thing they'd ever seen. What? My dad had toilet paper sticking out like a Korean kite. Out of his ass? Out of his ass.
Because my dad always had really moist ass cheeks. He would sleep with this toilet paper. In his ass? So he turned around and then like my brother was crying but then they tried to cover because they didn't want to get beat again because it was so funny. Wait. Your dad would just put toilet paper in his butt cheeks at night? Jam it right in his fucking ass cheeks. Do you have to do that? No. But I do have a leaky thing like he does. You do? Yeah. It's hereditary. Yeah. Why don't you sleep at night with a diaper or a pad? I don't refuse to do it. Why? You're going to get older. It's going to get worse. No, I have shit stains.
You do? Yeah. Do most of your underwear has poop stains? Yeah. Right now? Me on these. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I do have a lot of shit stains. But it's hereditary. I don't know if that is. Well, you think that I don't finish shitting or I don't know how to wipe? No, I don't think you finish. I don't think you wipe properly. It's not finish shitting. I do. Hello, Tushy. Yeah. Wait, do you use baby wipes? Bro, don't be insulting.
Okay, dude. You told me that you have shit in your underwear. Listen. You're 50. I'm telling you right now. My 50-year-old friend just told me he has poop streaks in his underwear. What do you want me to do? I'm inquiring. I'm telling you right now, Chacho, right, that it's hereditary. It's not.
Pete, Google is poop streak. Is a leaky anus hereditary. You don't have a leaky anus? Yes, I do. Is a leaky anus hereditary. Google loves this. Fecal incontinence. You don't have fecal incontinence. I have fecal incontinence, man. No, you don't. It's intercontinental. That's the name of your next special, fecal incontinence, by the way.
Bobby's album. Fecal incontinence and inability to control bowel movements. That's not true. You can control all that. And forces the feces to leak unexpectedly from the rectum. You don't have that. I do. I 100% have that. That's old people, dude. That's like people in their 70s and 80s. I have it, dude. You do? You think you're fecally incontinent? 100% I have it.
Really? Yeah. I don't have a good diet, too. I think that's what it is. No, no. Bad diets don't just make you poop out of nowhere. But if you eat Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and acai bowls every day. That's all you eat? Yeah. It'll happen. What did you eat today? Acai bowl. That's all you've had? I swore on my mother's life. What do you eat for the day? Eggs. That's all you had today was eggs? Rice. Yeah? Greens. What? Salad? Yeah.
That's not a bad diet. Acai bowl and Reese's Pieces is not. You can't, dude. I have. I know. And I will. I have and I will. Okay, speaking of which. Yeah. Your 50th birthday is coming up. Yeah. We have to do something important. I'm going to have a big party. I know, but we have to do a bad friends thing. So we all decided without Bobby right in, and we're going to pick a winner to come party with Bobby for his 50th birthday, one of the bad friends fans. More than one.
Let's do 10. How many people do you want? Let's do a 10. How about this? Yeah. Let's do a competition. 10 fans. 10 bad friends fans. If they live in California. Southern California. Southern California. Yeah. You can come up and we'll get your mask and you have to be also vaccinated. Sure. You have to have your vaccination card. Yeah. Wait, wait. They don't have to live here. They have to live close enough where they can get here on their own. And if you want to fly, if you will fly here.
That fly here. For Bobby's 50th? For my 50th. Because I'm going to have one party. Should I just invite them to my big party? 100%. So I'm going to have a big party where I'm going to have all the comics there and some actors and a lot of Filipinos. Can you imagine how this is going to be so big for them? What do they have to do to get to your 50th birthday party? They know what they have to do.
That's all I have to say. Huh? They know what they have to do. You're not going to give them an email or anything. So how do they submit? Oh, yeah. They have to submit. That's true. You have to find out somehow, some way that they want to come to your birthday party. Do we want them to send in a video explaining why they deserve to come to the party? Yeah. Have a good example why. I want to party with Bobby at Gmail. Because I want to feel like you're a real fan. Well,
Well, we need to know. I need passion. Right. Right. And I need – because I don't want you to show up and like, what's your favorite episode or whatever? I'm like, I've only seen two. I don't want that. You want a diehard fan. I want somebody that's seen every week. Right. You know what I mean? Also somebody that will give us like helpful advice in terms of how we can improve our
The show? Yeah. Okay. And what we need to keep doing. Okay. Yeah. Just different things. But the top thing is- A positive analysis. You got to explain why you think you deserve to come to Bobby's 50th birthday party, because that's monumental, dude. It's a half a century. It's huge. That's huge. Yeah. So hopefully the email will be Iwanttapartywithbobbyatgmail.com. If it's not, we'll put the real one right here on the screen. They'll find out. Yeah, yeah. The real one will be right here right now. Yeah. And we'll let you know what it is. And do you think 10's a lot? Yeah.
10 seems like way too many. I said one. Yeah, let's make it be 10. Well, how about let Rudy pick? I think 10 is fine. All right, 10's fine. Yeah, but it's going to be... How about this? We'll do four. Mm-hmm.
You can bring a guest. Ah, that makes sense. You plus one. You plus one. I like that. Right, because you don't want to go there alone. That would be – but that would be five. Oh, yeah. So do five. Five plus one is ten. Plus one is ten. Yeah. And also just the person that you bring, right, just don't bring any crazies. Don't bring any crazies, dude. In fact, I want to know in the video who you're going to bring. That's fun. Explain why you're bringing the person. Why you're bringing the person, right. That's really good. I need a little bit of a pitch. That's what they're doing. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, he's a Christian, right? He plays badminton for this call, whatever it might be. You love badminton players. I love that. That's a big thing. That's going to be at the party. We're going to badminton. Yeah. And then I'm going to do it at a restaurant. Well, we need a room. We need like a banquet room for it. No, I want a restaurant. I'll rent out a restaurant. I know we got to rent the whole thing. I will. Mastro's. No, something like weird, obscure, obscure and weird, but good food.
Chili's. No. No, man. Chili's is great. A good place. Chili's is great. How about Morton's? The Palm. It's so expensive. So what? Yeah. You know what we'll do? What? We'll take it from the Rudy Fund. We'll take the money from the Rudy Fund. She'll never know. Right. How will she know?
She doesn't even know what's in there right now. Let's take money from the refund. What's the date? It's August. Today is August. We're August already. It's next month. Yeah, dude. That's what I'm saying. We've got to make a reservation now. Now. We need to get on this right now. Oh, we do have to do it. Yes, 100%. And do invites. Yeah, dude. Yeah. We've got to do a big... We have to start now. Yeah. Who do I invite? Who do I invite? Who do you invite to your party? Yeah, just name some people. Griffin, for sure. Eric. Yeah. Me. For sure. Yeah.
Whitney Cummings. Yeah. Okay, Rudy. Right. Hey. Pete. Yeah, those guys come. Pete? Yeah, I like them. Pete, please submit a video to I Want to Party with Bobby. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe a video. Got it. Yeah. I want Pete to make a video. What about fans? Yeah, for sure. And PD? Who's PD? Pink Dick. Yeah, he has to. Okay, fine. He can come. All right, so outside of that, who else? Some comics. Probably some actors. I'm going to go highball it, too. Who famous?
I'm going to try for Jordan Peele. He won't be able to do it. He'll never do it. Yeah. I'm going to try for Jamie Lee Curtis. Never. She'll never do it. I'm going to try for Keegan will come. No, won't. Won't come. Will not come. Sasso. He'll come. He'll come. Yeah. You make a big list. In my head, I'm like, what women? A lot. Nikki Glaser. All the podcast people like Burke Reicher, Tom Segura, all those types of people. Burt won't come. They will. He's just I'm saying he's on the road.
Those guys are all on the road. And Segura lives in Austin now. Gone. Joe Coyle invite? Would you invite Joe Rogan? He's not in town. But I dare you to invite him. I will invite him. Invite him and see if he'll come for your 50th birthday. I talked to him a couple days ago. All right. Name female comics that you want there. A lot of my openers, like Jay Catapretta. Yeah. Nicole Amy Shriver, who opened for me. Annie Letterman. Yeah. Nicole Amy Shriver. She just opened for me this weekend. How great is she? So funny. Yeah. I would go for Marc Maron, Bill Burr, those types of guys. Yeah. They won't come.
Bill Burr definitely dude you think I'm gonna come to your fucking 50th birthday party Al Madrigal you got fucking two kids at home I went to his to Bill's yeah but he's more famous than you yeah he's not gonna come but I'm gonna invite him yeah but I know he's gonna throw it right in the trash yeah um imagine he'll get the email and he won't even open it Pauly will come Pauly will have to be the I think he should he'll work there I think he should he should serve drinks yeah
It'll be a, you'll know people. Can I be honest with you? We should have a dinner for our family, like our close, the close people. Yeah. And your party should, should be at the comedy store. No. Be in the main room. I'm doing a 300 man party at a restaurant. Okay, fine. Okay. Anyway, thank you. Bob, I love you. Submit guys. I want to party with Bob at gmail.com. What does this come on in a couple of weeks? Two weeks. Okay. Yeah. And then, so we'll find out who submits those videos. Uh,
Excited to see that. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. All right. Rudy, sign us off in what's the language again? Bisaya. Bisaya. Go ahead. Thank you for being a bad friend in Bisaya in the camera there. Salamat for being a bad friend. No. No. As-salamu alaykum. No, you can't As-salamu alaykum. As-salamu alaykum. Salamat. How do you – what does salamat mean? Thank you. How do you say bad? Bad.
Naughty. Negative. No. Wrong. I know. Thank you for being here. For being here is bad. Type this up so we can read this. Yeah, yeah. We want to do it together. I don't know what's friend in Visaya. Oh, God. You have friend. You don't know. What's friend? What's friend? Miga. Miga. Miga or Migo. Migo or Miga. Go to Translate.com. Ah, ah. Thank you.
How do you not know your own language? It's so sad. It's hard to translate. Thank you for being a bad friend. Let's see if it comes close. Yeah, thank you for being a bad friend. All right, let's see if this is close, Rudy. All right, the machine says, That's Tagalog, though. All right, fine. Then fucking go to Google Translate Pete so we can get her the one that she needs. Google Translate.
All right, what is it called? Visayan. V with a V? Yeah. Okay, see it there? No. Nothing. Wow, it's not there. That's how much they do. It's a language only one island says, right? A couple of islands. All right, what's the closest? Tengalu? Tengalu, yeah. Go to that. Try that one. That's fine. Sorry. It's up there. First stop. So we'll just have to do it in Tengalu because you don't even know your own language. Oh, you don't like that? No, it's fine. No, no, no. Stop. Pete.
Just type this in right where you're typing. Tell him how to spell your version. We want to do your justice. Because Philippines won a gold medal. This is the least we could do for the Philippines. Yeah, but the one that won might be speaking Tagalog. So it's fine. Let me ask you something. Can you just go back to the Philippines? Listen, guys, we're going to do one language. Yeah.
Not every island gets their own fucking language. No, it's so small anyway. Yeah. Type this in. It's like Vermont, Michigan, all these states having a different language. Okay, is that close? Salamat. Salamat is good. Salamat. Tell us how to say it. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Can you zoom in? My eyes are blurred. There you go. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat. Salamat.
And go. Go. Salamat sa pagiging masamang kaibigan. Great.
